How to Positively Influence Your Husband - Gary Thomas Part 2
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- čas přidán 4. 10. 2018
- You can’t change your husband, but you can influence him. In this two-day Focus on the Family broadcast, Jim Daly and John Fuller talk with Gary Thomas over his book, Loving him Well. You can find his book here: bit.ly/2xUa6cz
They discuss the challenges that come when you’re married to a man who seems unwilling to change. They discuss the importance of understanding who you are in Christ, how to act in a way where positive change in your spouse is possible, how to ask the “magic question” (“What things would you like me to do that I’m not doing?”), how to deal with “functional fixedness, and how understanding the differences between the male and female brain leads to greater intimacy.
"We go to God to receive, we go to our spouse to give"
Yeah, and that goes for both spouses. All I ever see on here is counsel for women to meet husbands needs. I’m starving for my husband to meet even one of mine.
@@ggrace1133 that's the whole point of this! Open your own mail. If you stop focusing on your needs, and what he not doing and focus on meeting his needs, you'll be amazed! Respect him and he'll love you.
@Deb Harris I disagree…Christ is not here to meet my romantic needs, nor my emotional intimacy ones that are to be given and shared between husband and wife. I am to meet my husband’s physical and emotional needs, and he is to meet mine. That’s what drew us together as we feel in love and gave up all others, looking only unto each other for the fulfillment of complete marital love. My husband did all that during our engagement and first weeks of marriage. Then no more. Christ keeps me going, but the sorrow and emptiness and decades of loneliness in marriage remain.
@Deb Harris try again in a few hours…I’ll wait for it. I appreciate all input even when I don’t agree. It always gives me food for thought to ponder and pray upon.
@@ggrace1133 if you haven't watched part 1 of this, there is a section that may be helpful to you and your unique situation. It's what one wife came up with in her situation (sounds like it could be similar to yours potentially) that she called the "Magic Question." I hope all is well in your marriage as I can see this comment was from a year ago.
I give this video an A plus. Begrudgingly. I’m becoming a godly woman. I ain’t there yet. Lol Thankyou for not painting us as harpies.
I am working everyday on forgiveness for myself and my ex husband. I have had a hard time on how to pray for him, but the comment on seeing him as a child of God and not an ex-husband has extremely changed how I pray for him. I can now see him as a brother in Christ rather than an ex. Thank you so much for this video.
Thank you all for the vulnerability! To hear men of your age and status acknowledge in a public environment how you need to grow in your marriages is so encouraging.
Thanks Gary for teaching me the way that i can pray to the Lord about my husband.
Conflict with my spouse is God's opportunity to reveal more of himself to me.
Conflict reveals character in both/all parties
As a wife and a mother of 3 (2 boys and 1 girl)God has shown me how to live and respond both ways being talked about in this interview. I love it! I'm so thankful that God has helped me to be gracious both ways.
I think this is some of the BEST Godliest advice I have ever heard, thank you! I need all the help I can get.
This really hits the nail on the head. Thanks!
So grateful for this. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you so much for all of these. It truly does help. Especially when they won't go to counseling yet.
What a blessing, I feel exactly the same way and it is what I teach my daughters.
Thank you for such needed message!
So full of wisdom and helpful if we listen, put it in our heart, and into action.
Thanks for this advice! The Lord bless you!
Magnifique partage 🙌✅ merciiii 👍 I need to apply this. Gracias 🌈👑🗺
This is so true. This had helped me ...ty
You are amazing
May the lord bless you Gary Thomas!
Thank you so much for this topic.
35 years of marriage and I’m literally crying as I listen, because I’ve never been able to change myself on a permanent basis. I’m striving to stop making the same mistakes with my husband over and over which frustrates my husband to no end. Lord pleas3 help me learn to change myself, because your my only help. Thank you for this video
Just @2:05 in and I’m simultaneously spiritually refreshed *and* SPENT.
✨✋😅🤚✨
I love what a vessel Gary Chapman is. Thank you for reaching through him to the core of me, dear Lord. ❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥
PS- I am working towards recovery from lifelong [hoarding disorder] ~which has nearly driven my absurdly patient (albeit avoidant) husband to his brink~ and I do believe even he could concur with @2:10-2:21.
Thank you so much 🙏❤🙏❤
Thank you ❤️
Amen, God's love for marriage
Then how does my husband NEED ME AT ALL if he walks independently? I have to make an appointment with him. It’s painful for ME neurologically to be left in limbo.
That farmers market is getting you great nutrition, lol. Happy chickens make healthy eggs! Such a cute visual imagining you paying for and carrying eggs ^_^
This is so great and insightful, thank you!
The one thing I have to disagree with is the "fix-it" vs. empathy dichotomy. When I fuss, it's because I want something changed/fixed. "Venting" just makes me MORE upset. And I'm saying all this as a woman.
This should be labeled how to positively influence each other in marriage. Because it is very beneficial to both husband and wife to hear. But a lot of husbands will miss out on this lesson the fact that it is labeled for women.
Husband or wife, one thing everyone needs and wants is validation.
You are ultimately "validated" at the Cross of Christ.
fly high PTR NICK in your ministries
Thank you for this. May I know what the lady can do to not reject her husband's (very strange)show of affection and at the same time receive the empathy she needs. Is the need to be heard out by a wife a real need or can it be skipped for the husband who just does it his way. Also what may one do as the husband learns e.g
A man is the leader of the household
Men who claim to he saved were to love their wives as Christ loves the church. Just as women must lean on Christ to love and serve their husbands better so must the men.
Now how should we comfort our husbands?
How would you treat your wife IF you believed that she is/was your best friend?
How to lovingly, positively win your wife
(Christian men)
I’m a man have no problem talking sharing my frustrations. Only difference is all I want is a solution not empathy. On the other hand wife shares nothing and still wants empathy only no solutions. Bad mix. I can separate frustrations and still getting things done and getting over it in the moment to be responsible.
I would also like to know is it healthy to not need my husband...if so to what extent? Thank you.
Looking forward to replies
What do you mean by "need"?
To the panel...it isn't just the men who spend a lot of time wrapped up in work. I am hearing a lot about how much women have to "bend"...it almost sounds like catering.
I'm sorry to be so blunt with this but after listening to most of the podcast, the empathy compared to "fixing it" mentalities (just after the 15 minute mark) while contrasting females (wives) and males (husbands), it is extremely frustrating to listen to because it is a gross oversimplification that significantly contributes to one of the most base sins. The battle between the sexes, which leads to who's way is right or wrong instead of what is actually right or wrong given the situation!
In general, empathy can address and solve many heart-level issues that deal with thoughts, feelings, and perceptions (internally) while the "fix it mentality" can accomplish the same goal by dealing with problems that exist, in whole or in part, on a material level (externally).
To put this in perspective, if a person is torn up inside about a sin that they have committed, and the sin can be rectified materially to one degree or another, than both forms of interaction are needed and called for; however, if the sinner just wants to be affirmed in their sin(s) than that destructive desire must be corrected and dealt with instead of being empathized with too much or at all (since it could normalize or affirm the sin for the sinner without them becoming repentant). Also, if someone is seriously hurt than the fix-it mentality must come first because it does no one any good who is drowning, hurt, or in danger to be empathized with on a heart level but not helped immediately with their situation (e.g. person who is seriously hurt must be attended to first before soothing the "boo-boo").
To make all of this more clear from my very broad and easy examples, we all need to stop playing the male female game and start growing in the virtues (character) that Jesus wants us to have as his sons and daughters, rather than saying his or her way is best.
His (God's) way is always the best and whether it is the man or the woman, or some combination of them both, who is doing what is right by Him and others at any given moment is what needs to be identified and cultivated for the future. We may well start out on unequal footing as males and females for various reasons (e.g. background/upbringing, temperament, personality, etc.), but the goal is to become, and to help each other become, more like Him in every way.
As a man, the Lord has helped me to shed several bad things from my life thanks to the help of many wonderful women who challenged me in their own ways to do so, but I must also sadly say that I rarely, if ever, see women who are interested in doing the same shedding (of false womanhood) to become more virtuous in certain masculine areas of character with the same loving challenge.
In other words, it is quite frustrating, and completely unjust, of any sex to think or believe that they have it all right with God apart from the other and I for one would appreciate it greatly if more Christian women realized all of the wonderfully divine virtues that good (Godly) men can and do bring to the table when we are allowed to do so respectfully and responsibly by the women we love. There was a great article about this, respecting husbands, in Family Life this week.
In marriage we are called to "become one" or a new creature in Christ as I call it and in doing so, we are also called to be of one accord in everything through the Lord (see 1 Corinthians 1:10). No more male or female, Jew or Greek, but one in Christ Jesus. The rest is just us relying more on ourselves and on the support of current Science to substantiate what we are already supposed to be believing in (doing) whether we understand it or not. Waiting to understand before we believe (follow) what Jesus tells us in the Gospel is not true faith! We must believe first, then He will help us to truly see and understand! His ways our not our ways!
In Christ,
Andrew
I should've waited to hear the 17 minute and 30ish second mark, because the guest said something very similar to what I wrote. Thank you Jesus that we are not all confined to these boxes of thinking, feeling, and behaving because I truly believe that one of the biggest reasons He made us different at the beginning is so we could learn in love to close those gaps and be more like Him in the end, one God in three persons with only one nature! Amen!
I disagree that we are to close the gender gap. The Bible doesn’t call us to be feminists. As husbands we need to love and understand our wives the way they are and lead them well. The Bible doesn’t teach that human beings are equal even in Christ (parable of the talents). Yes, we are one in Christ. Galatians 3:28 refers to our vertical relationship not our horizontal relationships.
What do we do when our spouse has a hard time receiving our love as women? He is not very responsive and even seems uncomfortable at times when I try to comfort him, whether that’s physically or verbally. I know he didn’t receive a lot of affection growing up, and I think that may have something to do with the reason he is this way. In your example of why both approaches are important (someone with bedside manners and someone who can just fix the problem) he would and has said before he wishes less doctors were personable and friendly, and would rather they just go in and fix whatever’s wrong and leave. It feels like I don’t have a role to play in comforting him, which makes me feel like I’m not bringing much of anything to the relationship when I fail to ease his pain. How can I better comfort him and support him as he works through problems? Is it possible for him to see the value in affection the same way women can in masculine problem solving as affection?
A crazy idea is to accept him as he is instead of needing to change him. You married him that way. Why try to change him now?
It HURTS because men were given EGOS, to keep them feeling ABLE to move forward. Could men listen WITHOUT taking responsibility for the problem? Enmeshment is a way of learning NOT to take responsibility for an “emotional”need, even though a man could just say, “wow that sounds hard..”
If a husband is not interested in his wife other than sex just accept it. It is what it is and you can’t change it. I’m learning to be content with what I’m given. Count blessings and offer thanksgiving. Know your place. I am a giver and a servant. Practicing detachment from needing anything from husband is helping too. Put that energy and pursuit towards God not man. Need God but be a giver to everyone else. It is better to give than to receive. To need approval or connection with man is exhausting. Save your energy cultivate being a sacrifice to the Lord. Learning to Be a helper not a needer. : )
Why would you marry someone you don’t like, respect, and accept fully? This advice is completely toxic. Mistakes are always forgivable. But you can marry someone you want to “fix” and have a healthy relationship.
We don't really know who we are marrying until after the fact. Like it or not, every marriage--even Christian marriages--consists of two selfish, sinful people (see Dave Harvey's "When Sinners Say I Do").
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