How To Know If You're Ready To Move In Together
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- čas přidán 17. 07. 2014
- Confused about what to text him? Just copy and paste any of these 9 texts - bit.ly/1EpQNbm
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In this week's episode of LOVELife, I take a question from Amber about moving in with her boyfriend. She's torn with the decision and we discuss whether now is the "right" time, and how she can determine so in a risk-free way. Enjoy!
Video links at the end:
Is His Divorce An Excuse? • Is His Divorce An Excuse?
Should You Stay Friends With An Ex? • Should You Stay Friend...
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I love the idea of "we'll try it out, if it doesn't work, that's okay and we can change the situation." My main fear of moving in, is if it doesn't work, that means breakup. But it doesn't have to be so traditional.
I 100% agree but, i think it’s an inevitable risk one has to take eventually because if it wasn’t meant to be it the relation would end either way don’t u think?
In my opinion, if you are already spending everyday together, it's basically the same thing.
1:06 is where it begins 👍
A person is ready or they are not. black and white, isn’t it? It’s a yes or no. Ready or not, if I love you then we will get through everything we need to, we will use every resource to have a healthy, loving relationship. It will always be challenging. Whether you are prepared for those challenges or not, is not the proper question. No one is ever “ready”…. to love someone. It’s a daily choice and yes, many days might be disappointing. Accept them as they are and grow together.
It’s a deep and profound concept, find someone who matches your intensity, commits to understanding you, and sticking through all the challenges with you. Never perfect. With whatever fears you both have… People can change their mind at any moment (living together or not). 🤷🏻♀️
This really comforted my heart you have a very big point
Moving in together is not a casual thing unless you have always had a roommate or don't mind moving out if it "casually" doesnt work out. If you are used to having your own space and treasure you're home as a place of peace or your sanctuary, you gotta know this: what are their habits? how well do you communicate and how financially reponsible are they? Before taking that step have a good idea of where they stand in these areas.
I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE on the 'how are you'-question hehe
i moved in with my (now) husband after 2 months. why it worked out: at the time he was sharing a flat with 3 other people. 2 months after we got together one of them was moving out and he just asked me if i wanted to move in. we still had seperate rooms and 2 other people to talk to / spend time with - so we still focused on other things outside of our relationship even if we stayed at home all day long. plus if an apartment is not labeled "OUR FIRST LOVENEST" it takes off a lot of pressure.
I like that, not waiting till marriage to move in because everything in that setting of moving in gets fast forward. I dig that.
That's kind of hard when there are kids involved! Casually moving in together with kids are far more different when both are single.
yet another insightful episode! I love the point about taking the whole moving in together casually, keep it up matt!
Being sort of flirtish is like inherent in him..
I like the way that you've bilding the advise up to the specific situation and making it affordable for every one at the same time.
Although you'd think it makes more sense to move in with someone before getting married, I read somewhere that divorce rates are higher for people who lived together before getting married, than people who waited till they got married to move in together. Wonder why that is?
For one it could be on cultural basis - marriage before moving in together nowadays is pretty rare but you could see that more often in middle eastern/asian cultures. So, there's that.
I agree with Bulldawzer - there are different cultural reasons why couples do not move in together before they are married, most of them being religious. in some countries people don't move in until they're married because of financial reasons: real estate prices in europe are still rising, renting gets more and more expensive. i know a lot of italian couples who received a condo as a wedding gift from their parents.
from my point of view the problem relies within today's society: we live (much longer) in a global world and have yet to learn how to cope with the fact that there are so much more opportunities available than 30,40,50 years ago. i don't believe in putting experiences on hold just because of fear or a lack of social skills - or both.
www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/03/the-science-of-cohabitation-a-step-toward-marriage-not-a-rebellion/284512/
Another possibility could simply be numbers.If we look at this statistic, "(published December 2012) estimate that 42% of marriages in England and Wales end in divorce"
I'm guessing here so correct me if I'm way off but more couples seem to live together first these days then would wait, which means they would represent higher within the 42% anyway.
For example if out of a hundred marriages 60 couples had lived together before, 25 of those would then end in divorce and of the 40 who waited only 17 (42%).
This is the first time I disagree with your advice... It IS a major thing to move in together. There is no, "Let's make this a no pressure thing. If it works out, great. If it doesn't, no problem." What??? No problem? The relationship is pretty much over...unless it's just a sex thing. You teach us to value ourselves more (if we can't live together, where's the future..? Ok honey, the baby stays with you tomorrow...). Are we supposed to hang around and WAIT until the person has cleared up whatever it was that made the "trial" live-in situation not work? You don't have to live with a person to know the truly important things...values, morals, etc...
I agree. Also, the first year of marriage or living together is the hardest. It doesn't matter how well matched you are, there is going to be an adjustment period. If you make living together really casual, then any little bumps that will inevitably come up could mean the end of the relationship if you're not actually committed to working those things out. Needing a trial run to see if he or she has any annoying habits is almost setting yourself up for disappointment because I guarantee that you both have annoying habits. Knowing someone's values and having a commitment to ironing out the little bumps in the road is more important than a trial living arrangement
I agree with you two. Another aspect of this is that it's a big hassle to find a place and move. Moving in with someone is not something you just do for a 3-month trial run perhaps unless you're wealthy. It would definitely not be realistic for me and my boyfriend (both students) to move in together as a trial run.
Aligning expectations beforehand is definitely healthy and important, I think.
I actually agree with Matthew. I think giving a try for three months is way of seeing it is worth going on for more. Plus if the guy ends up to be more trouble to live with. Like a total slob than I know its not right for me.
I legit needed to hear this. I’m putting way too much pressure on us moving in. A few days ago o thought to myself “why do we HAVE to move in?” I have my first studio that I LOVE, but it’s only big enough for one. I was afraid to leave my place and living together doesn’t work out, and I lose this magical place. I’ve decided to take the pressure of both of us, and offer up a living for three months solution (while I keep my current place). I feel so much better about this decision- I know he’ll be thrilled about it too. Calculated risk
Thank you ☺️ I was fr fr freaking out but a trial run sounds calming
We’ve been together for 5 years (high school sweethearts) we’ve both graduated college now and after four years of living 2 hours apart and only seeing each other on weekends and breaks, we are finally trying to move in together! I’m afraid of the transition period but I’m so excited to see him every day, I can’t wait :)
Update!
Update?
Update: it’s definitely not an easy thing, you get to know the other persons habits and you might not like them but that’s always how it is when you live with someone! It just takes communication, I didn’t like how he loaded the dish washer, so I showed him how I prefer, now he does it my way. He didn’t like how I did the laundry so he showed me his method (which was def better) so I started doing that. Honestly we do take each other’s presents “for granted” now. I feel like I’ve become so used to having him around that sometimes I find him annoying, I’ve forgotten how badly I used to miss him but I always try to remember in the times when he’s made me angry lmao. I would say we are def still in the transition period but it’s sooooo comforting to always have him with me and I know when I get home, I’ll see him every night
The only thing about taking this no pressure attitude towards moving in together is the financial part. You guys sign a lease, I guess a 3-month lease? What if they don't allow that. Then you will have to break your lease. If it doesn't work out you will need a new security deposit and first months rent to rent your own place. And likely one of you has given up furniture (you don't need 2 kitchen tables or beds) so then whoever ended up getting rid of their stuff will have to purchase new items. Maybe having a shared storage unit for the 3 months will help that issues? I do feel like this is a big decision and it should be taken as such.
Thank GOD my man isn't that kind of man I hear people talk about who are terrified of commitment...The thought of marrying me makes me happy, and he'd like to move in together, but I don't believe in co-habitation S:
Agreed, terrible idea to wait until marriage to move in together. Why would you not want to know what they're like to live with before you make such a HUGE commitment? Seems kinda reckless. I have heard of marriages failing because they moved in and couldn't stand that the other partner was always around.
@Patrick Stewart lol no it isn’t. Do you want to find out their habits and real character after you get married?
@patrickstewart4172You are right it doesn't lead to marriage. Discovered this myself. Broken hearted.
Interesting tidbit from couples therapy regarding moving in and cohabitating, couples who do not cohabitate (i.e., live in separate apartments/houses), even after marriage, are happier in and with their relationship than those that do. The reason cohabitating tends to make relationships worse is that both individuals in the relationship are routinely and inadvertently inundated with each other's bullshit. The same reason why moving out of your parents' house tends to improve your relationship with them, abusive and neglectful childhood circumstances and situations notwithstanding.
If the guy really like the girl he’s not gonna freak out when things start getting serious fast he’s gonna love it..
I think if you believe in marriage than what's the point of living together before marriage? If you do everything a married couple does than I just consider you married. You talk about love being a choice. I don't think there's anything about living with someone that would change whether or not I wanted to marry them. Marriage isn't about whether or not you can cope in the same living quarters. To me it feels like being taken for a test run. It's like "can you act like my wife without me having to actually commit to you as one, so I can just trial a marriage with you before I decide?" To me it's pretty disrespectful if marriage is something you believe in. There are plenty of experiences in life that teach you how to live with someone. Heck even growing up with siblings is one. I didn't choose my brother. But I had to live with him for 15 years. I had to choose to get along and work together and live in close quarters. I also had to live with housemates during uni, another practice at living with people. I think there are plenty of ways to test ur relationship for marriage without having to pretend to be married. Like travelling together. I'd be really interested to hear your thoughts on this Matthew as I'm such a big fan and usually agree with all ur logic haha. This time however I find myself thinking about it from a different perspective. If there are things about living with someone that are good tests for a long term relationship, like problem solving as a couple for example, is living together the only way to test them? Because I don't think I believe it is. Of course all this only applies to a couple that believes in marriage. To me marriage is a lot more than my ability to exist in the same house as another person. As someone who believes in marriage, I don't like the idea of a man expecting me to act like his wife without him actually committing to me on that level. Thoughts? xx
Wow, you convinced me, or at least to seriously reconsider my idea that living together before marriage was preferable.
💯 agree
Some people say they will test out moving in together for three Months. Personally, I feel it’s easy to mask and go along with life in the three months to please the person but if you do 6 months or more, you see more of the person. I moved in with a female housemate and the first 3 months were good, 6 months was when it got hectic. My new housemate is so much better and we have been sharing for 1 year now.
My year anniversary with my boyfriend is coming up and we’re already living together. He moved in to my apt a few months ago. It’s already changing our relationship. We fight over the smallest things now. Also the economic structure I find myself on, I really needed (need) a roommate to help me pay all the bills. I feel like we rushed into it.
Update?
did it work out?❤
Update?
Update please
I know it's a 6 year old comment, but for others who might see this: A man should never move into a woman's place. It should be other way around. She should move into his place and come into his frame. Otherwise it will fail.
You feel it when you know it...stop playing games people...
What if is someone has a child? No pressure??? Son, this is John, mommy’s (who? Boyfriend?), he will live with us for 2 month... what???? I would never do this to my child!
such a good advice! I really enjoy watching your videos
I stay with my boyfriend weekends and it’s been 2 years he has wanted me to move in after 6 months but I’m not willing to give up my freedom for being a live in lover for a man I’m not married to. We r 60 and he was married for 11 years but after that had 2 live in girlfriends, I just see him wanted to repeat that life style it’s just not for me... coming from a 35 year marriage myself I’m not giving any man 24/7 access to me who is not my husband... I have my own money yes we could save more together but as a live in l just don’t see the commitment in it for me losing my house while he keeps his place and changes nothing. So if we can’t buy a place that’s neither his or mind I’m keeping my house and life style.
Love seeing a comment from a strong woman who knows her worth!
I love that but will it end your relationship?
Sure is a lot or me, me, me in this statement. You’ll regularly give up the “kitty” but can’t live together for fear of losing your independence.
@@cheby56 even at 60 these women are all about themselves
Great video. My gf of 6 months is moving into my house since i own my own place. She basically lives here on the weekends already and if it doesnt work out, she can move back out. No big deal.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years, we’re getting ready to move in together to a new place in less than a month- I’m so excited and nervous
How is it now a year later?
How’s it been?
Thank you Sooo much for sharing this topic.
How do you make the moving in together work when you both have kids?
What if you are in a Long distance relationship?
Thanks, I was wondering the same thing and I liked your answer! :-)
And exactly what were you doing the night before you came into the radio station? Who did you hook up with the night before?
Agree with all that but what about 2nd time around, both have kids. More at stake but also can’t wait forever. Do you just take a chance?
Yeah my gf said that hypothetically she'd want to get married before living together but I don't think I could do that... At the absolute minimum I'd want to live together for 6 months before marriage whilst engaged (for 6 months minimum). I think that's a pretty fair compromise - i.e. she gets the security of knowing that it's serious (she already has the marriage proposal) and I am not just going to string her along in some kind of comfort zone of living together for the next 5 years. But I also get to see that we can be functional across a decent time span living together and taking care of the various stressors life throws at us. Ideally I'd want to live with her for more than 1 year before marriage.
Sounds like you want to use her and baby trap her.
Smart, funny, handsome.... u definitely chose the best queue when God gave away gifts :P
Gosia xx
If life would be that easy... This is not possible in all cultures Matt, which is why marriage can still be terrifying and probably completely changes your perspective on your partner... so how do people of eastern cultures deal with this problem?
Best advice ever!
Answer: when I get married.
And the other way around? When to move out once already in?
at first glance I thought this said "how do you know when you're ready to move on" for some reason. Have you done one like that before? *****
Moving in means you will be a common law couple after a few years (2-3) if you continue to be together. Which means you have some legal rights and responsibilities towards each other just like you are married (depending on jurisdiction). Spousal support could come up in-case of a separation.
2-3 years isn’t very long. In PA it’s 7 years
Common law here in Canada takes effect after one year.
How is this from state to state?
Not in every state
Good thought
Im ready to move together but my boyfriends need a bit more time than me
I’m thinking of moving in / closer to my Long Distance Boyfriend of a few weeks 🙈 (we dated in person for a month prior)
It just feels right.
How’s it going ?
Does this pertain to a long distance relationship too? I live in Minnesota my boyfriend lives in Arizona. We met last March on Social Media, met in person in August. Became BF GF in September. When is a good time to have the talk when in a LDR?
Ps I have three kiddos he doesn't have kiddos. I've never been in a LDR
Did he leave you yet?
i cant wait to meet you tomorrow ^-^
I know the trial run makes sense but the statistics clearly show that a marriage after having already lived together, is more likely to fail so I don't know...
How about.. When you're married..
I agree so
With the divorce crisis nowadays, obviously moving first and then get married does not work. What did they learn during the years they lived together? What is the difference between moving together and get married? At the end they are living together. What I suggest is to get married and not have children right away. Way at least a couple of years to adjust to each other before having children.
I do not understand this new thing about living together and then get married. I know couples that are dating for more than five years and still want to try to move first and then get married. How long you have to date to know a person? In the past people got marry, did some adjustments in their lives, compromise for the relationship to work and there was not a high divorce crisis like now.
Concessions to be made on my part for awhile.........all good though get back to initial vibe...be supportive wanting to see person do well instead of finding ways to divide ....also have to understand church is separate from state we have our own mission vibe and authority. We have our own thing going on. Negative and drama will eventually be 100% Free from Iris To eagle eye. But if makes someone happy as that is goal....nothing is a deterrence. In the end people are human we live forever and energy they choose to live in is theirs alone. People I'll never meet or personally associate with which is all good
My ex dumped me n got with someone else 3 days after dumping me(an old friend) .. N now not even after 6 months they already live together, 👀👀 n she look totally different compared to his ex wife n me.. Ladikos, blond n old
Sounds like he’s very happy I wish him all the best
I love you Matt but I would prefer to wait until I'm married for religious reasons but I like the way you stress that it's your opinion, a friend of mine is religious too and she said she'd like to find out whether her future husband snored before she married him.
Dumbass religion doesn't......base your relationship
This don’t make sense cause there are leases
Me and my boyfriend since four years, are moving in together for the first time now in December. We took a mortgage for an apartment that we both agreed on and we have been looking for housing since at least 2,5 years. We couldn't find any good rental homes close to our workplaces or we didn't have the luck to get the one we wanted. I had the opportunity get money from a house selling (I owned 1/4 of it). So yes we are about to live together for the first time, but we have been waiting for quite some time. We are in our early 30s. We have traveled to different destinations around the world, been hiking in the woods for days and feel comfortable around each other. Do you guys think we can last? 😉
Did you?
@@a.c.slater573 Still living together and now owners of a puppy and two gerbils ☺️
@@jagcf NIce, how old are you both and any plans for kids? I'm going through similar myself
Moving in with someone is NOT casual
Matt-Interesting views I know so much more about you now. Here is what I feel is the best for couples. I think she is asking the wrong question. What about the option of not doing it. I feel it will never benefit the couple to move in together. The relationship should grow and develop without living together to give it the better opportunity to be a full and lasting potential marriage. (if that is where you think it's going) The benefits of living together probably means to him-a perpetual woody/ easy access to sex ( although women love sex also) and she gets to care for his needs and sharing life together ( I know guys want emotional support too) but probably not more commitment. Research backs this up the harmful risk. For example, couples who live together before marriage increase risk factors for divorce-increases the probability greatly. Also including higher rates of unplanned pregnancy, physical violence, infidelity, and lower levels of marital quality. I don't know about you but I want to protect myself- my guy from these things. Better to date him another year to clarify your relationship and lower risks then put your future on the line for sex, companionship, love or another reason that "feels" right at the moment. Take care!
so you think you can "protect" yourself and you partner from "unplanned pregnancy, physical violence, infidelity..." if you wait until marriage? how many cases of abuse are not reported because they happen behind closed and "married" doors? if someone is a good person he is not going to develop a bad temper just because you move in with him. the problem relies within today's society: we live (much longer) in a global world and have yet to learn how to cope with the fact that there are so much more opportunities available than 30,40,50 years ago. i don't believe in putting experiences on hold just because of fear or a lack of social skills - or both. actually new studies show that it doesn't matter how long you haven't shared an apartment but at what age you decide to move in together. so it all comes down to social skills and the individual maturity of both partners.
Lmao at least you can't see me!
Here's how to know if you want your boyfriend to move in with you: Ask yourself: Do I want to wake up everyday with this guy? Do I want to have to cook and clean for him? Do I want to do his laundry? Is he going to pay half of the bills? If the answer to any of this is FUCK NO, then don't let him move in!!!! Also, if you every think "I can't imagine being married to this guy", then break up NOW!!!
I agree except for the cook, clean, and do laundry part. Moving in doesn't mean you are going to be his mother or maid.
Why are you footing half the bills and still being the only one that does the cooking,cleaning and the laundry?
I don’t agree with him at all on this topic. Just because it is serious not something that should be casual. People shouldn’t be test driven. That is dangerous way to look at a relationship period.
Hiiiii
👏🏽👏🏽👍🏼👍🏼
👌🏽👌🏽👌🏽👌🏽
✅🚕
I have been with my boyfriend for 4 months and I am deeply ready.
If it’s a family member moving in that’s different but unmarried couples should not live together until marriage. It leads to trouble in the relationship when they are unmarried even if they are just friends and not couples no male and female unmarried shouldn’t be living together.
Its a good test to see if you are both tidy or both have similar routine
Fuck moving in fwb is the best
Thanks, I was wondering the same thing and I liked your answer! :-)
Hiiiii