I know a guy who asked a girl's dad and then proceeded to have a 3hr long talk with his soon-to-be father-in-law about his girl and what it means to care and provide for her. The guy said it was the best talk he has ever had with another man saying wasn't about permission, it was about the responsibility and privilege a husband carries.
Girls and boys are beyond their parents' control by or before puberty. If they can't or won't control themselves by age 13, it's too late for the parents to all-of-a-sudden MAKE them. If they don't have a clear understanding of who they are and some idea of the person they want to become, then they're a leaf on the wind, and there's not much you can do about the wind.
My wife's father is a cheater, a bum, and a fool. I never regarded his opinion as anything of value and neither did my wife. It's embarrassing to watch a weak man who stole money from his children try to intimidate you when he couldn't intimidate her abusive boyfriend in the past. I told him upfront I am going to date her and told him I am going to marry her years later. As a father now I would rather be set on fire than be to my daughter what that man was to his. I hope one day I can be worthy of my daughter's suitor asking my blessing even though it is unnecessary.
I probably wrote a letter of intention, and then a year later I mapped out how I could support his daughter and granddaughters immediately this bio chemist accepted my offer, and I have not been disappointed from that day on
My wife's father was never in the picture. But her grandfather was. Who she held in the highest regard and looked at as a father to her. I asked him before I proposed. And he had the absolute biggest smile a man could get. Unfortunately, he was ridden with Alzheimers. So, he would never remember me asking for his blessing. But I made it a point to ask him for permission every time I saw him. The joy he felt in the moment is something he got to relive as many times as I could let him. He passed a few years later. But those moments are something I look back on very fondly.
Dear Spencer, What a wonderful gift to give to that beloved grandfather... and to the woman who loved him, and who knew you thought enough of her as welll, to do that. Some gifts are priceless 💕 This family is blessed by you 🤗🥰
You are an amazing man of honor. I have so much respect for you, how you took his sickness and made it an opportunity to bless him. I am just in tears at that gift you gave him I hope you believe in Jesus as the Christ, because He will honor your act of respect and honor to her grandpa. God Bless you
I love this, this is modern masculinity. It's not about being the owner of your daughter, or demanding respect from her would be husband, it's about being a good enough guy that your kid trusts your judgement about who she will spend her life with. Traditions don't have to die as time passes, as long as the reasons behind them can still apply to the modern day
The tradition has never changed. You've just been misled and lied to about it. It's never been some evil property transfer like they imply. It's always been exactly what you described--people are simply just figuring it out again.
@@SuperPhunThyme9 well idk how much I agree with that. I don't think it was ever some evil thing done for the sake of suppressing women, but i do know that the tradition predates the modern and contemporary views that marriage is primarily for love. It has its routes in the dowry tradition; A way to prove to the father that you are able to provide as well as a payment for removing someone who is able to work from their house hold. It stuck around as is in some parts of the world, while it transitions to a more symbolic gesture in others, but the choice still remained with the father for a very long time. I mean women didn't typically leave their parents homes until they were married until like the 20th century, let alone have enough autonomy to demand respect from their fathers about their marriage choices. Again that's not to say it was "evil" but at the time it was a very practical practice to ensure your kid was provided for, mixed with a dash of patriarchal (like the literal definition of it, a society led by fathers and men) assumptions about a womans role and capability to decide their own futures.
@@littleowl3045 well yeah it is respect. But respect hasn't always been part of what masculinity is or could be today, especially respect for women, and double especially respect for your daughter. Like the consent of masculinity is a short hand for a collection of traits that we attribute, or want to attribute, to Men. So respect for women is a very contemporary concept for masculinity.
I didn't ask my father-in-law if I could marry his daughter. He's a man that respects the blunt approach. While working on a project in his workshop, I just said it. "I'm going to ask your daughter to marry me. Your approval means a lot to me, but your disapproval wouldn't stop me." He paused for a moment, didn't look up from his part, went back to it and said "Well it's about time." We finished up for the day, had a beer, and he was the first person to say anything to me after our kiss at the wedding and he welcomed me to the family.
What you said to him was I'm gonna crash your family whether you like it or not. Every Christmas, birthday, etc.... And if you don't like it you gonna lose your child. You're lucky he didn't mind
@@SuperPhunThyme9 I didn't tell him he was going to lose his child. He had and still has every right to tell his daughter that I'm a terrible match for her and the family, he had every right to tell her what I said (even though I did so myself). Nor did I tell him I was going to force her to marry me - I said I was going to ask, whether he approved or not. With all of his influence, he could have stopped her, but he didn't. He could have told her that I'm not allowed at family events - he's always and continues to invite me himself. He could have threatened me in some way/shape/form the way protective fathers tend to - but he didn't, instead telling me that he'd spare me the speech even though everyone before me got it. I even explained some time after the fact that I love her family to death, they're my own - but her happiness and approval trumps theirs in my eyes.
One of the happiest days in my life was when my daughter's boyfriend and now husband asked for my blessing to marry her. They had dated for 6 years, and I could tell almost right away that he truly cared about her. I now know he would give his life for her. I thought my face was going to break from smiling so much while I was walking her down the aisle of the church. Her husband had tears in his eyes and was quivering as he watched her approach. My wife and I love him like a son.
Everyone in my wife's family was terrified of me meeting her dad. He was known by all to be "difficult". He wasn't. But he knew that his daughter was smart, stubborn and independent. He watched how the previous men in her life behaved around him. I was not them. He said he'd been watching me. He never thought that there'd ever be a man who could stop her in her tracks with just a smile. We had a warm embrace and a handshake. My wife ran out of the house and he hugged her. That was it...35 years ago. He wasn't the nicest man to most...but he was with the two of us. He was special. I wish he and my father would have had a chance to meet...war stories over a bottle of bourbon.
Yes! This. I sent my boyfriend to my dad to ask his permission. I was 26, he was 36. We had already discussed marriage, he bought a ring a knew & I’d say yes. He didn’t “need” my dad’s permission, it was an act of respect. To show he respected me. It was my desire to honor my father with that tradition. I didn’t “need” my dad to walk me down the isle and “give me away” either. Tradition and respect to both of us. My step mother was so impressed and excited she bought both her kids down to witness “how it should be done”. I sent him alone to do the asking. I don’t think it’s any more old fashioned than big wedding traditions are. I’m so glad I didn’t skip it. And I’m glad I married a man that respected me enough to follow through. It’s been a long time since I’ve been 26 and I’m still married to that same man.
You are missing the entire point. It's YOU who view them as property. Otherwise it would be obvious to you that it's all about asking permission to literally join their family, not "stealing their daughter". That is not a small thing. You're the one who's threatening to take her away like property if the family doesn't submit to you crashing their life.
@Travis Ryno your argument is actually dumb. With that logic could you not ask the mother or the siblings? Or are they all under the authority of the dad?
@@SuperPhunThyme9You've inferred a lot from a comment written by someone who, at least I hope, doesn't speak English as their first language. OP's comment is just two often expressed opinions separated with a comma and then not clarified at all.
@@SuperPhunThyme9 Then why not ask both parents? Why is it only up to the father to decide? It's respectful to ask to marry THEIR daughter, not just his.
When my father met my now husband he told me: "If you won't marry him, I will!" 😆 To this very day, he is really fond of his son-in-law. My father always trusted my judgement and I knew he would never expect to be asked for permittion regarding my personal life choices. But as a loving father, he absolutely loved that my husband asked him anyway. It was about the gesture.
It's not about asking permission to have anybody. Never has been. It's asking permission to crash your family--imposing one's self on every Christmas, birthday, funeral, EVERYTHING the family ever does (or will do). Imposing one's personality, morals, ethics, problems, etc. on all the neices, nephews, etc... it's a big deal. Not asking if they're ok with that is so so so selfish. Not asking, is selfish, and not caring if anyone asks their family is selfish as well.
@@SuperPhunThyme9 this is so wrong. You shouldn't be imposing your values on anyone's family and their family shouldn't see you as an "imposing" factor. You also might not even be expected to attend family events, especially not EVERY holiday or party, depending on the cultures involved. It's about respect and tradition.
As a woman who loves her dad, I want my parents' blessing on my marriage. I would want my fiancée to ask my dad for his blessing because I value my father's insight and want that conversation between them to happen. My dad is a great man and he truly loves his family. I'd want him to impart a bit of wisdom on the guy I want to marry. That being said, I actually need my mom's blessing because she's better at reading people and my dad is as trusting as a golden retriever lmao.
My husband went to my Dad to ask his permission. It meant the world to me that he did that. I was 32 years old and had lived on my own for 8 years. We didn’t “need” my Dad’s permission to marry. It was the respect that he showed to my Dad that was so special. My Dad loved him. There was no way that he would have said no. It was a nod to tradition and the values that we placed on honoring our parents. My beloved Dad passed away exactly one month before we got married. He was a great man, husband, father and grandfather. He was an excellent example for my husband to follow.
My husband had met my dad twice before he proposed, as we met in college several states away from my home. So they didn't know each other very well. When he asked my dad for permission (after he proposed to me) my dad said "I trust her judgement." That meant so much to me.
My girlfriend's dad passed 6 months before we met. The missed opportunity to ask him this very question brings a lot of pain. Inferring from her family, he was the kind of man anyone would be thrilled to have as a father-in-law.
@@The_snatch_wrecker are you really about to say just because I never met him I shouldn't feel anything? I still feel his absence when he should be there. I hope you never have to understand.
I liked his answer. It’s true that children use their parents as a model for their future partner, whether it is good qualities they desire or bad qualities to avoid.
I forbade my husband from asking. We told him together. I was respectful about it and he had some questions- we were young and my husband was a student. But I saw qualities that I knew he’d grow into. 21 years later and my dad agrees I absolutely chose an excellent husband and a man with qualities my dad respects and even wishes he had more of. And everything you said in this video is true. I hope my daughters want their father’s input and guidance a lot more than I wanted mine.
Wow. Great way to start a marriage. You forbade” your husband from acting in manner which showed his masculinity. So does your husband tell you what to do or not to do?
@@TheAsianOfChaos I think the point here is being missed. No one is property or about ownership but rather showing respect to the father and mother of the bride. Showing respect and honoring others is sorely lacking by many in our society.
@Uriah. Thus you exactly what thst is. It's wrong and it's hurtful to women and girls. When my daughters get older, I would not allow my daughters' boyfriends to step their butts up to me asking permission. My daughters are not property. Anyway, how about asking the mother
I have a bad relationship with my parents and when my boyfriend said he wanted to ask for my dad’s permission I refused. They raised me badly and they have no right over me anymore, I don’t care about their opinions. I told him that he just needs to propose to me, I am my own person and I decide what’s best for me ❤ we are getting married in October!
Amen !! ❤❤❤ Smart woman. Thank you for debunking and defunding this sexist tradition of green behind daughters letting their boyfriend ask dad for permission to be an adult woman. What a sick tradition of men.
My dad passed when I was young and I was raised fully by my mom. My husband asked my mom and proceeded to give a detailed explanation on how he was going to support us throughout our life. (We were super young.) My husband and I are still together over a decade later and he has always had my moms respect and I’m sure my dad would be proud of the man he is too. 😊
My parents didn't forbid that I marry my fiance, but strongly advised me against it once some things about him begin to emerge. I was so emotionally involved that I couldn't see that he wasn't trustworthy, so I just trusted my parents and ended the relationship. Now, a few months later, I see that was definitely the right call. Thank you dad and mom 💕.
Perhaps the greatest honor I’ve received, is when asking my father in law permission to marry my wife, he said he knew he would give permission when I first asked permission to date her. Those two instances were 3 and half years apart. I wouldn’t have trusted myself at that time, but he saw something in me, and that means so much. He’s an incredible man.
My husband did not ask my father before proposing. He was encouraged by my mother that it was alright because my father does not openly speak of his emotions often. He had told my mother one night (speaking about my then-boyfriend) “he just needs to marry her already.” This was his way of giving his blessing. It’s interesting to think that even though it was not the usual way to go about it, we still both ended up waiting for his blessing to be given in his own special way. Love you, dad.
Made me tear up..... I have always wished that I had a dad like the one you’re talking about. Any girl that does have a dad like that, I hope she realizes how lucky she is.
I’m so sorry that you didn’t have a dad like that. Everyone should have a good father. The good news is that if you give your life to Jesus, you will be adopted into God’s family. There’s no greater father than God the Father.
If a father isnt willing to bleed to train, teach, raise children. Having a belief that modern day laws aren't the standard. Father should be willing to stand in court explain what, why, how he believes to protect his beliefs in raising children. Take the jail time to prove it.
My wife was raised to be a strong independent woman. She told me in no uncertain terms that under no circumstances was I permitted to ask her father for permission. 😅 I think he made it clear he approved of me, but gotta keep the lil lady happy! Well, 18 years later and baby 8 due in February. I think we've done pretty good!
@@wyleecoyotee4252 🤣 I treat her like my Queen. We're partners in a crazy weird world full of people like you.... We don't view children as a problem. But they are certainly a part of our team. And no, we're not in the lower 48, we're in the upper 1. She'll get a kick out of your opinions...
@@wyleecoyotee4252 🤣oh geeze your killing me! You've never tried to tell an Alaskan woman anything! You should consider a career in comedy! Maybe it'd help pay for your gender studies degree! 😉
Amen. As a daughter, yes. I wanted my man to ask my dad. I have friends where their dad has no business even suggesting he should be able to give permission cause they are abusive. But my dad was an amazing dad and husband, so I wanted his insight and blessing.
Hubby asked me first...but my yes was based on whether my dad agreed. I had learned the insight of my dad was good when he questioned my choice of a boyfriend and later I learned his assessment was correct
I wanted my parents' blessing because I trusted their judgement more than mine. I even asked their input and several close friends before deciding to officially date my husband because I didn't want to be blinded by infatuation. Everyone was on board, when my parents met him, I think they fell in love faster than I did, and when he did ask, they had a heart to heart that left my husband and dad both in tears. It was beautiful.
@@basromd hopefully, yes, but sometimes they don't have too much of an opportunity to get to know the guy and the asking gives them a chance to gauge him without the daughter around. A short time, but they might pick up on something. I do know of one case where the parents gave permission & blessing but told him he should wait to propose until the daughter finished classes (a couple months) because they knew she'd find wedding planning distracting. They were right. As a result, the whole church found out what he was planning and her "surprise birthday party" for him double crossed her and became a "surprise engagement party."
My parents told me it was shameful I was telling them I'm getting married as they believe parents should be the organisers of a marriage not the child. Sadly they do not see the irony on how its shame they brought on themselves by not giving me enough reasons to trust them with such a decision in the first place. They want my partner and me to go and beg and work for their blessing, that was the last straw and I dont plan on having them in my life anymore. They ruined their own family, I aint going to let them ruin mine.
You should live in a respectable way and your parents will begin to respect your decision. If not, no loss, but you shouldn't count your family short over something so trivial. Sometimes, all people need is time.
Your comment makes no sense, in the context of what the man actually said in this video. I see three possibilities here. 1. You commented without watching the video. You assumed that he would say something you found offensive based on your personal biases against conservatives, and you commented based on those ignorant assumptions. 2. You watched the video, but ignored what he actually said, because you were just so intent on making this ignorant comment that you didn't care about the context. 3. You lack the intelligence to understand the simple and plain English used in this video. So you commented without understanding the subject. I really don't think it was number three. Even though you obviously don't know that sentences should end with a period, your post was intelligible enough that I don't really think you're stupid. I think it was most likely one of the first two, or a combination of them both. I'm guessing that you let your personal biases get the best of you.
For those who don't understand the tradition, I will attempt to explain its purpose. There is a reason that a man "gives his daughter away" at a wedding. Until she marries, she is HIS girl. Not in the sense that he owns her like property, but in the sense that He is the man that has been primarily responsible for her care. The idea behind asking for the father's blessing is based on a recognition and a respect for the fact that this man has been the primary protector and positive male role model in her life, and that once you marry her, that role transfers from her father to you. You don't ask for the father's blessing because it is required. You do it because you recognize his value and because you want him to know that you understand your responsibility as a husband.
Spot on. Also, in the Catholic tradition, while priests can bless anyone, parents can bless their children (and unrelatedly rulers can bless their subjects). This includes children-in-law, so by asking for her father’s blessing, you ask for her father to accept you as a son. iirc
@09mrmarshall Historically speaking, nearly everyone was "owned" by their family. Individual rights weren't a thing. Families had rights, not individuals. Engagements were merging of families and the parents of both prospective bride and groom were closely involved.
That's the more modern version. In origin it's literally giving away your daughter as property in order to get a dowry or smth. That and political marriages were extraordinarily common.
@09mrmarshall The "true meaning" of any historical traditions cannot be properly understood unless it is understood in the context of the time and culture. Your discomfort is the "sentimental bullshit" you revile, albeit in negative form. Discomfort with other cultures conceals "true meaning", rather than revealing it.
I wanted my father's blessing, but also my mother's. My sweet husband sat with both of them and let them know of his intentions and answered their questions. Of course, they already knew him well, so it was no surprise they gave their blessing. I still appreciate the formality so very much though.
That's fair. There is nothing in that ritual that requires an Y chromosome. Indeed if you trust and love your mother it is fair to want her words and advice as well.
@@Snipergoat1 It may be true that men on average have a little more incite into other men and women have a bit more incite into other women when it comes to foreseeing relationship issues.
What intentions? You going to get married and have sex.. and children.. like you didn't have that before you ask to get married ah the sex part that is.. ooopps my assumptions.. but still what do ppl man by intentions??? What a stupid question to ask. I can u Der stand asking about intentions when a teen and dating, but marriage???
@beingsneaky He was letting them know of his intentions to propose and to marry me, and asking for their blessing as he does that. He intended to marry me either way, it wasn't asking for permission, but it is a sweet cultural formality that some of us love. He knew it would mean a lot to me. I also knew it would set a good foundation for a positive relationship with my family. Why is that so hard to understand?
@@beingsneaky Yes. Intentions usually refers to the intention to get married. At least that's the intention that a father would generally be looking for from someone expressing interest in his daughter. A parent who cares for their daughter will want to be sure that a person expressing interest in their daughter isn't just there for physical gratification and a little fun. Also I'd say that someone who insists on a potential partner sitting down with their parents for their blessing is probably 10X as likely to wait for marriage as a person who doesn't hold to any traditions.
Of course, although it seems that you are implying that bgy sking she is abdicating the responsibility for the marriage. I think, that he is saying that as a parent, you should be a model of what role her spouse should be expected to fill. I think, and could be wrong, but I think that part of the idea is to have someone who will be a counterweight to the "honeymoon phase" mentality.
I disagree. A woman who knows her mind and her worth doesn't need your blessing. In fact, if you did it right, she'll be confident enough to know that you support her in all her decisions, and secure in the knowledge that you know she'll make good ones.
Please don't make her do that and put that expectation on her. Raise her to be independent and make smart decisions, with or without your input. That's how you should measure your success as a father. Not some antiquated tradition that stemmed from when men owned women. Is that really what you want for her? To feel OWNED by ANY man?
@@megharoni I'm surprised that you got that message from this video. Freitas is talking about being the kind of father the daughter _wants_ to talk to, but you're so determined to fight the patriarchy that you're railing against it...
@@AdamSmith-kq6ys My dad gave his blessing to us when he gave me away at the altar. We didn't do away with ALL tradition. But my dad raised an woman who makes wise decisions and he knows it. I never saw a reason to make my future husband ask for his "permission" to marry me, as if I am owned by anyone. Bear in mind, my dad's favorite picture of me is one of me as a young kid defiantly marching away from him with closed fists. He knew I wasn't the kind of girl who could be owned. He raised a daughter he is proud of- I know it because he tells me all the time. I love the patriarchy, honestly, but some traditions are just stupid, plain and simple.
I really like how you said it was about the daughter respecting how her father treated her mother and her (and I'm assuming everyone else) that caused her to want her potential husband to be like her father. Tremendous!
I asked my wife’s dad. He said no. I said well it’s just a formality to warn you I don’t need your permission just your daughter. 9 years later now and I’ve given him 2 grand boys and they are closer with us than their other kids. I guess it’s just how well the story ends and not always how it begins. Though the devil on my left sure did have fun in the beginning..
I suspect that: What would have been better than you having told dad that- is just "acceptance" of the decision. After he said no- you could have just said "Okay, then" and left. Then you could have told your wife that you can't marry her due to the refusal on the part of her father. She would have TORN THAT OLD MAN A NEW A$$ when she found that out. She'd have straightened him out, I suspect.
@@melissachartres3219 Probably but this is your future father in law, You have to establish yourself. The way to do that is in a calm and controlled manner. Sending the fiancee to rip the old man a new one is not only not a calm manner it makes you lesser in his eyes. This guy is about to become family, you don't want to be either weak or hostile to him if you want harmony within your nascent family. In his situation I would ask why first and actually listen. Then remind him that we did not need his permission and intended to go forward as planned. Then (Assuming that his words had some merit) thank him for his frank if possibly undiplomatic words and will endeavor to fix things as best you can. Then set out to do just that.
@@Snipergoat1 Yeah, I appreciate your well thought out response. You really put some time into that. With that said: There are essentially two types of relationships that fathers have with their grown-up daughters: tournament and cooperative. If a tournament style regime exists, then that man likely has strained and "necessary" behaviors pervading his interactions with his girl- whereas if he has a cooperative relationship- they likely communicate well and get on with ease. A man who came and told his fiancee that he isn't going to marry his girl due to lack of father-in-law approval wouldn't be "sicking the daughter on him" as you're suggesting. I'm just saying that the wife to be would handle any and all issues associated with such a matter and that the father-in-law is either needful of his relationship with his daughter (and will do whatever it takes to preserve it) or he isn't. The son-in-law to be has no need or dependence on his F.I.L and would be a fool to set himself up for a submissive role in the future. He doesn't have to handle anything at all... he simply steers the "loving daughter" and she keeps the peace between the new bull and the old one.
I never thought it was a matter of asking permission, it was always a matter of asking for the blessing… And the wisdom. That said, when my now husband asked my dad, I don’t know the wording used, but I know that my dad quipped back “which daughter…?” He had three. And he always had to be funny, hilarious.
My dad did that when my sister’s boyfriend first talked to dad about being interested in her. “Which daughter?” I’m 8 years older than my sister and divorced. 🙈
I don't know if you'll see this man, but I'm a disabled veteran struggling to keep it together for my family (financially, mentally, etc.) and you literally make me want to continue to be a better man for my wife and kids. Your mindset and videos are always a reminder that I'm not lost or crazy, I'm just being fed all the wrong shit by the internet. You remind me of my dad when I was growing up (also a disabled veteran) and I wish more men like yall were raising children these days. Keep up the great work brother!
@@pascalsimioli6777 I want my future husband to get my father's/parent's blessing. If I propose to him, I will be asking his family for their blessing, so long as he respects/is close to them
@@pascalsimioli6777 it’s not objectively a possession thing. That’s just how you see it. For me, as a woman, it’s a protection and love thing. Although personally, I don’t care about my dad specifically; I’d want the blessing of my parents, plural.
100% correct. Both of my daughters fiancés asked me within 3 months of each other. They knew I’d say yes, but it’s a sign of respect. If I didn’t like them, they’d know it and so would my daughters
@@pascalsimioli6777 while it can be a possession thing and traditionally was so in Christian cultures these days in first world countries at least asking for a blessing is most often a sign your child respects your opinion. This is also seen when sometimes instead of or in addition to the parents other family or even close friends opinions will be sought out.
I straight up told him “i would rather have your blessing but understand that i don’t need it. She is her own adult and will marry who she loves, not whomever you think is right for her.” He smiled and respected me for it.
no bitch she aint yours until you are married. say those words and im popping your ass. asap ive done it several times since my sister got abused and now she doesnt trust any man all because one idiot who didnt got taught not to abuse.
The best compliment I ever got was from my father in-law. He said even though he would always worry about his daughter he knew that with me he didn’t HAVE to worry about her any more.
I asked my husband to talk to my dad and I think it's good. It's good for your spouse to realize how precious you are in your family of birth and realize that the marriage would be a serious thing. I would have been happy to sit down with his side too, but unfortunately his mom did not leave nearby.
Personally, I think the answer is no. If I'm marrying someone, it's ME, not my dad or my mom. Plus, I'd never want to subject my husband to my father lmao. I'm not a man's property.
When my husband told my dad he wanted to marry me, my father said, sure but you should know I have a no deposit, no return policy on my daughters. He had 3 girls, no boys! 😁. Poor Dad. ❤
My husband asked if he should ask my dad. I was 29 years old, completely independent and living on my own. It seemed weird for my husband to ask him permission based on this, so he didn’t. To this day I think my dad was hurt by that. If I could take that back I would. It’s really a respect thing. I looked at it as old school. But my dad IS old school 😂.
Yeah but weird old traditions based on female ownership don't have to last forever. I didn't make my husband ask him, either. Luckily my dad never showed any sign of being hurt by my independence. I'm thankful for that!
@@Z0mbicore If you can explain to me why the tradition of a man asking a woman's dad for permission to marry her is as important as a dad walking his daughter down the aisle to give her away willingly and officially in front of the Lord Himself, I'm willing to hear you out. But I just don't see why that needs to be a thing. You can't raise an independent woman and expect her to drop that independence just for you. It's all or nothing. Your options as a respectable man are as follows: either be proud of who you raised and let her make her own decisions when it comes to a marriage proposal or complain that you weren't involved in choosing her husband for her. Because some dads are really out there starting beef with their future son-in-laws by telling them "no," like that's even a real option.
@@megharoni, imagine starting out a lifelong relationship by consciously choosing to disrespect that person. When you marry someone, you are now part of that family. That dynamic can already be stressful, why add more tension?
This, this right here is truth, and praise Yah for the men that ask said fathers for their blessing, and for the men who are the fathers that have raised their daughters in this way.
Unfortunately my father passed last year due to heart failure. Before he died he asked my boyfriend to take me with him when moved states. In that moment I knew if my boyfriend ever asks to Marry me my father would approve if he was alive. My father respected the man I'm with and the man I'm with respected my father. It brings me to tears knowing my father knew I found a wonderful man when he asked that question. My boyfriend didn't want to take me away from my father because he knew the connection we had was unbreakable. Still is today. Always look up at the sky before leaving for work to have a small talk with my dad. A few months after his passing my boyfriend and I moved to another state.
I know so many couples in history that truly loved each other and were separated by either cruel or demanding or jealous parents, that I'm really glad I can ultimately make a decision for myself. On the other hand, there are tons of examples of relationships that were actually destructive and were prevented from causing harm to the girl through her father's choice. So I think it's a tough task for the father, and a huge responsibility. You need to be a really good judge of character. You need to be able to let go of your own ideas and wishes if you see she's truly happy with him despite him being an artist. This responsibility is important to protect her on the one hand - because love makes people blind -, but it can also be abused if too much power is tied to it.
Mr. Nick Freitas, your words are so full of wisdom. My wife asked our daughter why she picked her husband. She replied it’s because he’s so much like her dad. We really liked the young man first time we met him, that was 7 yrs before they married. I already saw myself in him. My wife and I are in our 45th year and still going strong. The women in our family sure know how to pick her men. Faithful, good providers, not the best looking but hey, looks fade….I just got there sooner.
My father inlaw was very offended as too why I didn't ask his blessing(I think he said permission) I looked dead in the eyes "cause your answer for better or worse didn't matter. This was happening"
If my kids' future partners treat me with that level of disrespect, I'll likely feel offended too. It doesn't sound smart to put yourself on the offensive with your wife's family first thing, whether you think they "deserve" it or not. How you treat others shows your character, not theirs.
My dad said “If you need to ask permission to marry someones son/daughter from their parent, you’re not ready to get married.” I warned my boyfriend-at-the-time emphatically, not to do this! I agree with my dad. But I certainly, subconsciously and probably consciously too, looked for positive traits that my dad also had. I found it, and have been married to a great man for 13 years. Just thought I’d give a different take on this tradition.
I don't have a dad, but I've always wanted my boyfriend to ask my grandpa for his blessing. My Pa has been the most amazing male figure in my life, he worked hard for his family and he truly loves us. I appreciate the life that he built for us and honestly I really respect him, more than anyone else. He's my favorite:) I can't wait until he is able to give me away at my wedding, because I know he will be so proud of me for finding a good man to build a family with and carry on our family. I love you Pa
I asked to speak with her dad in private and I told him my intentions of marriage. I did not ask him because I was going to do it regardless of his blessing or not. That talk went well and I don't think I will ever forget it.
great point, sir and I appreciate that incite. My son in-law did ask my permission, in spite of all my mistakes and it meant the world to me! You really put it into perspective though. I know she was raised right, but as I've gotten to know his dad in particular, I know he was raised right also. I couldn't be more proud!
My BF asked my dad. . Dad- I'm not the one to ask. BF- I'm asking Dad- What if I say no? You really not going to ask her? BF- I wasn't asking permission. I'm still going to ask her and then I'm going to tell her you said no. Then you deal with the one you raised. Dad Yes, Yes, Yes I told you not to bring her back when you started dating.. . Actually my dad said Don't ever hit her, if you're even thinking about it just drop her off here at home. Dad
Permission no, blessing yes. My understanding has always been that you are asking for her father's blessing/approval of the prospect, not his permission to ask her.
It’s all in how the daughter views her father. That’s respect earned not granted. Words of wisdom from a man that apparently raised his kids rather than dragging them up. Cheers.
Here’s the honest truth from a guy’s perspective. If you’re her father and present yourself as a true role-model, he will usually present you with his intentions prior to asking because he knows how much you mean to him and to her. If you’re not this kind of person, he will not ask because he knows what she deserves.
So does the same ring true for sons? Should a woman ask her boyfriend’s mother for permission to marry her son? Sounds ridiculous when you flip it around doesn’t it. What an archaic practice. Women are no longer chattel. Let independent people make independent decisions for themselves.
Also if you're a good human and actually build a relationship with your daughters significant other they'll build a level of respect for you. That's why they should ask the dad, not cause they're scared, cause they respect him.
Wow, this is great. I was not only surprised when my now husband asked my father(because in my experience such gallantry and respect towards a young woman was only seen in movies), but I was surprised at my fathers reaction and lack thereof(but then again not surprised). I told my now husband to not bother as deep down it was meaningless to the person he was asking and despite what the answer was it was irrelevant to me making my choice. But he told me it was meaningful to him and why. He them also asked some to my Mum which was very meaningful to us both. I realized yet again, he was a keeper. 29 years later and his gallantry and respect has not waned.
Its sad that the mother was an after fact. What sexist, misogyny that turned our to be. It's evil to ignore the mother. The dad IS NOT more important. Where do you all get these crazy ideas from?
This the type of stuff us young men that grew up without a father needs to hear. My grandpa was there for me but he wasn't always there like a father, he was always my grandpa no disrespect to anything that he taught me, it's just something I feel inside me.
After listening to a person talk about the virtues of getting to know your future bride's father, before letting her know that she's getting married to you, this is something that was a real joy to hear.
I know a guy who asked a girl's dad and then proceeded to have a 3hr long talk with his soon-to-be father-in-law about his girl and what it means to care and provide for her. The guy said it was the best talk he has ever had with another man saying wasn't about permission, it was about the responsibility and privilege a husband carries.
Wow. Great input.
Girls and boys are beyond their parents' control by or before puberty. If they can't or won't control themselves by age 13, it's too late for the parents to all-of-a-sudden MAKE them. If they don't have a clear understanding of who they are and some idea of the person they want to become, then they're a leaf on the wind, and there's not much you can do about the wind.
That’s awesome.
Nice.
That's what I'm talking about brother, it's about respect. 👍
My wife's father is a cheater, a bum, and a fool. I never regarded his opinion as anything of value and neither did my wife.
It's embarrassing to watch a weak man who stole money from his children try to intimidate you when he couldn't intimidate her abusive boyfriend in the past.
I told him upfront I am going to date her and told him I am going to marry her years later. As a father now I would rather be set on fire than be to my daughter what that man was to his.
I hope one day I can be worthy of my daughter's suitor asking my blessing even though it is unnecessary.
it is so nice to listen to good men. rare occasion
This was my father, also. Spent my whole life trying to be the man he wasnt.
It's antiquated.
Well said. For sure
I probably wrote a letter of intention, and then a year later I mapped out how I could support his daughter and granddaughters immediately this bio chemist accepted my offer, and I have not been disappointed from that day on
My wife's father was never in the picture. But her grandfather was. Who she held in the highest regard and looked at as a father to her. I asked him before I proposed. And he had the absolute biggest smile a man could get.
Unfortunately, he was ridden with Alzheimers. So, he would never remember me asking for his blessing. But I made it a point to ask him for permission every time I saw him. The joy he felt in the moment is something he got to relive as many times as I could let him. He passed a few years later. But those moments are something I look back on very fondly.
Dear Spencer,
What a wonderful gift to give to that beloved grandfather... and to the woman who loved him, and who knew you thought enough of her as welll, to do that. Some gifts are priceless 💕 This family is blessed by you 🤗🥰
You are an amazing man of honor. I have so much respect for you, how you took his sickness and made it an opportunity to bless him. I am just in tears at that gift you gave him I hope you believe in Jesus as the Christ, because He will honor your act of respect and honor to her grandpa. God Bless you
Красава🎉
Now that is class.
I love this, this is modern masculinity. It's not about being the owner of your daughter, or demanding respect from her would be husband, it's about being a good enough guy that your kid trusts your judgement about who she will spend her life with. Traditions don't have to die as time passes, as long as the reasons behind them can still apply to the modern day
Oh get over yourself. According to your “modern” idea there were no decent fathers in past generations and they all had it wrong. What a tool.
The tradition has never changed. You've just been misled and lied to about it. It's never been some evil property transfer like they imply. It's always been exactly what you described--people are simply just figuring it out again.
@@SuperPhunThyme9 unless you were part of the aristocratie, but yeah most people weren't shockingly
@@SuperPhunThyme9 well idk how much I agree with that. I don't think it was ever some evil thing done for the sake of suppressing women, but i do know that the tradition predates the modern and contemporary views that marriage is primarily for love. It has its routes in the dowry tradition; A way to prove to the father that you are able to provide as well as a payment for removing someone who is able to work from their house hold. It stuck around as is in some parts of the world, while it transitions to a more symbolic gesture in others, but the choice still remained with the father for a very long time. I mean women didn't typically leave their parents homes until they were married until like the 20th century, let alone have enough autonomy to demand respect from their fathers about their marriage choices. Again that's not to say it was "evil" but at the time it was a very practical practice to ensure your kid was provided for, mixed with a dash of patriarchal (like the literal definition of it, a society led by fathers and men) assumptions about a womans role and capability to decide their own futures.
@@littleowl3045 well yeah it is respect. But respect hasn't always been part of what masculinity is or could be today, especially respect for women, and double especially respect for your daughter.
Like the consent of masculinity is a short hand for a collection of traits that we attribute, or want to attribute, to Men. So respect for women is a very contemporary concept for masculinity.
I didn't ask my father-in-law if I could marry his daughter. He's a man that respects the blunt approach. While working on a project in his workshop, I just said it. "I'm going to ask your daughter to marry me. Your approval means a lot to me, but your disapproval wouldn't stop me." He paused for a moment, didn't look up from his part, went back to it and said "Well it's about time." We finished up for the day, had a beer, and he was the first person to say anything to me after our kiss at the wedding and he welcomed me to the family.
What you said to him was I'm gonna crash your family whether you like it or not. Every Christmas, birthday, etc.... And if you don't like it you gonna lose your child.
You're lucky he didn't mind
@@SuperPhunThyme9 I didn't tell him he was going to lose his child. He had and still has every right to tell his daughter that I'm a terrible match for her and the family, he had every right to tell her what I said (even though I did so myself). Nor did I tell him I was going to force her to marry me - I said I was going to ask, whether he approved or not. With all of his influence, he could have stopped her, but he didn't. He could have told her that I'm not allowed at family events - he's always and continues to invite me himself. He could have threatened me in some way/shape/form the way protective fathers tend to - but he didn't, instead telling me that he'd spare me the speech even though everyone before me got it. I even explained some time after the fact that I love her family to death, they're my own - but her happiness and approval trumps theirs in my eyes.
What was his reaction when you kissed him?
@@coasterthekid8867 he was stoic about it, I was nervous. I was just relieved that our mustaches didn't get tangled
@@MeetYourDarkSide ay YO 😂…..that’s hot.
One of the happiest days in my life was when my daughter's boyfriend and now husband asked for my blessing to marry her. They had dated for 6 years, and I could tell almost right away that he truly cared about her. I now know he would give his life for her. I thought my face was going to break from smiling so much while I was walking her down the aisle of the church. Her husband had tears in his eyes and was quivering as he watched her approach. My wife and I love him like a son.
🤮
@@dnegel9546 12 year old kid, what are you doing on CZcams?
That’s beautiful…
@@dnegel9546🤡🤡🤡
6 years? I'd hope he cared about her. That's a long time to drag your feet for someone you don't care about.
Everyone in my wife's family was terrified of me meeting her dad. He was known by all to be "difficult". He wasn't. But he knew that his daughter was smart, stubborn and independent. He watched how the previous men in her life behaved around him. I was not them. He said he'd been watching me. He never thought that there'd ever be a man who could stop her in her tracks with just a smile. We had a warm embrace and a handshake. My wife ran out of the house and he hugged her. That was it...35 years ago. He wasn't the nicest man to most...but he was with the two of us. He was special. I wish he and my father would have had a chance to meet...war stories over a bottle of bourbon.
Yes! This. I sent my boyfriend to my dad to ask his permission. I was 26, he was 36. We had already discussed marriage, he bought a ring a knew & I’d say yes. He didn’t “need” my dad’s permission, it was an act of respect. To show he respected me. It was my desire to honor my father with that tradition. I didn’t “need” my dad to walk me down the isle and “give me away” either. Tradition and respect to both of us.
My step mother was so impressed and excited she bought both her kids down to witness “how it should be done”. I sent him alone to do the asking. I don’t think it’s any more old fashioned than big wedding traditions are. I’m so glad I didn’t skip it. And I’m glad I married a man that respected me enough to follow through. It’s been a long time since I’ve been 26 and I’m still married to that same man.
Too many dads treat their kids like property rather than as individuals, respect is earned and that goes both ways.
You are missing the entire point. It's YOU who view them as property.
Otherwise it would be obvious to you that it's all about asking permission to literally join their family, not "stealing their daughter". That is not a small thing.
You're the one who's threatening to take her away like property if the family doesn't submit to you crashing their life.
@Travis Ryno your argument is actually dumb. With that logic could you not ask the mother or the siblings? Or are they all under the authority of the dad?
@@SuperPhunThyme9 argument bad + L
@@SuperPhunThyme9You've inferred a lot from a comment written by someone who, at least I hope, doesn't speak English as their first language. OP's comment is just two often expressed opinions separated with a comma and then not clarified at all.
@@SuperPhunThyme9 Then why not ask both parents? Why is it only up to the father to decide? It's respectful to ask to marry THEIR daughter, not just his.
When my father met my now husband he told me: "If you won't marry him, I will!" 😆
To this very day, he is really fond of his son-in-law. My father always trusted my judgement and I knew he would never expect to be asked for permittion regarding my personal life choices. But as a loving father, he absolutely loved that my husband asked him anyway. It was about the gesture.
So lovely for you. 💝
It's not about asking permission to have anybody. Never has been. It's asking permission to crash your family--imposing one's self on every Christmas, birthday, funeral, EVERYTHING the family ever does (or will do). Imposing one's personality, morals, ethics, problems, etc. on all the neices, nephews, etc... it's a big deal.
Not asking if they're ok with that is so so so selfish. Not asking, is selfish, and not caring if anyone asks their family is selfish as well.
@@SuperPhunThyme9 this is so wrong. You shouldn't be imposing your values on anyone's family and their family shouldn't see you as an "imposing" factor. You also might not even be expected to attend family events, especially not EVERY holiday or party, depending on the cultures involved. It's about respect and tradition.
As a woman who loves her dad, I want my parents' blessing on my marriage. I would want my fiancée to ask my dad for his blessing because I value my father's insight and want that conversation between them to happen. My dad is a great man and he truly loves his family. I'd want him to impart a bit of wisdom on the guy I want to marry.
That being said, I actually need my mom's blessing because she's better at reading people and my dad is as trusting as a golden retriever lmao.
If either of them were to say "no", what is your next step?
@@mazsax999 find out why they said no and go from there
My husband went to my Dad to ask his permission. It meant the world to me that he did that. I was 32 years old and had lived on my own for 8 years. We didn’t “need” my Dad’s permission to marry. It was the respect that he showed to my Dad that was so special. My Dad loved him. There was no way that he would have said no. It was a nod to tradition and the values that we placed on honoring our parents. My beloved Dad passed away exactly one month before we got married. He was a great man, husband, father and grandfather. He was an excellent example for my husband to follow.
My husband had met my dad twice before he proposed, as we met in college several states away from my home. So they didn't know each other very well. When he asked my dad for permission (after he proposed to me) my dad said "I trust her judgement." That meant so much to me.
Aww. Nice story.❤️
You've got a good dad
My girlfriend's dad passed 6 months before we met. The missed opportunity to ask him this very question brings a lot of pain. Inferring from her family, he was the kind of man anyone would be thrilled to have as a father-in-law.
You never met him, how tf do you know? Lol
@@The_snatch_wrecker are you really about to say just because I never met him I shouldn't feel anything? I still feel his absence when he should be there. I hope you never have to understand.
@@zanecarlson2285 yes that’s exactly what I’m saying. You feel his absence? Lol I highly doubt he woulda liked you, your like a woman in a dudes body
@@The_snatch_wrecker Men don't demean others for grieving. You're exposing yourself bud ;)
@@zanecarlson2285 lol ok young lady
I liked his answer. It’s true that children use their parents as a model for their future partner, whether it is good qualities they desire or bad qualities to avoid.
This is so good. There is so much truth in this. "That's when you know you've done a good job."
When my relationship was failing, her dad was the one who saved us. showed us the ropes. i respect him so much he is like a father to me.
I forbade my husband from asking. We told him together. I was respectful about it and he had some questions- we were young and my husband was a student. But I saw qualities that I knew he’d grow into. 21 years later and my dad agrees I absolutely chose an excellent husband and a man with qualities my dad respects and even wishes he had more of. And everything you said in this video is true. I hope my daughters want their father’s input and guidance a lot more than I wanted mine.
Wow. Great way to start a marriage. You forbade” your husband from acting in manner which showed his masculinity.
So does your husband tell you what to do or not to do?
@@basromdimagine commenting after reading one sentence
@@basromd Damn, that fragility is showing 🤡 Funny how women never complain men don't let them be feminine
@@basromd she asked him to not treat her like property….
@@TheAsianOfChaos I think the point here is being missed. No one is property or about ownership but rather showing respect to the father and mother of the bride. Showing respect and honoring others is sorely lacking by many in our society.
I love this. It’s not about owning your daughters or controlling their lives. It’s about genuinely wanting what’s best for them
@Uriah.
Thus you exactly what thst is. It's wrong and it's hurtful to women and girls.
When my daughters get older, I would not allow my daughters' boyfriends to step their butts up to me asking permission.
My daughters are not property.
Anyway, how about asking the mother
I have a bad relationship with my parents and when my boyfriend said he wanted to ask for my dad’s permission I refused. They raised me badly and they have no right over me anymore, I don’t care about their opinions. I told him that he just needs to propose to me, I am my own person and I decide what’s best for me ❤ we are getting married in October!
Amen !! ❤❤❤ Smart woman. Thank you for debunking and defunding this sexist tradition of green behind daughters letting their boyfriend ask dad for permission to be an adult woman.
What a sick tradition of men.
My dad passed when I was young and I was raised fully by my mom. My husband asked my mom and proceeded to give a detailed explanation on how he was going to support us throughout our life. (We were super young.) My husband and I are still together over a decade later and he has always had my moms respect and I’m sure my dad would be proud of the man he is too. 😊
Great story!
Sounds like a conversation he should have had with you.
My parents didn't forbid that I marry my fiance, but strongly advised me against it once some things about him begin to emerge. I was so emotionally involved that I couldn't see that he wasn't trustworthy, so I just trusted my parents and ended the relationship. Now, a few months later, I see that was definitely the right call. Thank you dad and mom 💕.
Happy for you!!! It's nice your parents got your back.
And you said dad first, I sincerely hope you find a trophy husband
Perhaps the greatest honor I’ve received, is when asking my father in law permission to marry my wife, he said he knew he would give permission when I first asked permission to date her. Those two instances were 3 and half years apart. I wouldn’t have trusted myself at that time, but he saw something in me, and that means so much. He’s an incredible man.
Understood. I have no children or a woman in my life currently. But I'm going to carry this with me. Solid advice.
When I was 20 I asked my dad "what would you do if I picked a boyfriend that you don't like?" He answered "nothing. You picked him, you keep him"
"I'd have to learn to like him unless it's hitler"
@@ciel1083 great! Cause he's more like Stalin!
Damn. That was super deep. This is a man. A real man. Not some Andrew Tate’s tator tots.
Fucking FACTS. Guys like this are the real top G
This!!
Well, tate also doesn't have an 18+ year old daughter so maybe he hasn't lived long enough to learn that.
I’m surprised I’ve gone 2 months without seeing the name Andrew Tate 😂
@@apothiconservant5288 Kind of hoping he doesn’t procreate tbh.
My husband did not ask my father before proposing. He was encouraged by my mother that it was alright because my father does not openly speak of his emotions often. He had told my mother one night (speaking about my then-boyfriend) “he just needs to marry her already.” This was his way of giving his blessing. It’s interesting to think that even though it was not the usual way to go about it, we still both ended up waiting for his blessing to be given in his own special way. Love you, dad.
I agree 100%. Thank God for good fathers.
Made me tear up..... I have always wished that I had a dad like the one you’re talking about. Any girl that does have a dad like that, I hope she realizes how lucky she is.
I’m so sorry that you didn’t have a dad like that. Everyone should have a good father. The good news is that if you give your life to Jesus, you will be adopted into God’s family. There’s no greater father than God the Father.
If a father isnt willing to bleed to train, teach, raise children. Having a belief that modern day laws aren't the standard. Father should be willing to stand in court explain what, why, how he believes to protect his beliefs in raising children. Take the jail time to prove it.
Any guy that does have a dad like that should realize how lucky he is
@@Uhfffyeah very true ..... unfortunately to many good men get dumped on.
I understand you and know that feeling. I am so fortunate that my daughters and son won’t know that feeling as they have an awesome father.
My wife was raised to be a strong independent woman. She told me in no uncertain terms that under no circumstances was I permitted to ask her father for permission. 😅 I think he made it clear he approved of me, but gotta keep the lil lady happy! Well, 18 years later and baby 8 due in February. I think we've done pretty good!
Oh wow. I love it. It makes me tingle. Twenty five years married with nine children between the ages of 24 and 4. Life just keeps getting better.
@@wyleecoyotee4252 I know, right!?!? 7 natural deliveries? Planning on number 8!? Crazy woman....
@@wyleecoyotee4252 🤣 I treat her like my Queen. We're partners in a crazy weird world full of people like you.... We don't view children as a problem. But they are certainly a part of our team. And no, we're not in the lower 48, we're in the upper 1. She'll get a kick out of your opinions...
@@wyleecoyotee4252 🤣oh geeze your killing me! You've never tried to tell an Alaskan woman anything! You should consider a career in comedy! Maybe it'd help pay for your gender studies degree! 😉
I forgot... Gotta stop feeding the trolls... 🙄
My bad. 😋
I love this ! I have never heard truer words spoken!
I love how this man just states things about raising daughters while staring off into the distance and drinking a cup of coffee.
Amen. As a daughter, yes. I wanted my man to ask my dad. I have friends where their dad has no business even suggesting he should be able to give permission cause they are abusive. But my dad was an amazing dad and husband, so I wanted his insight and blessing.
Hubby asked me first...but my yes was based on whether my dad agreed. I had learned the insight of my dad was good when he questioned my choice of a boyfriend and later I learned his assessment was correct
Frankly, I think it is more of a formality but show respect to the father and also the mother because hopefully they have spoken about their concerns
I wanted my parents' blessing because I trusted their judgement more than mine. I even asked their input and several close friends before deciding to officially date my husband because I didn't want to be blinded by infatuation. Everyone was on board, when my parents met him, I think they fell in love faster than I did, and when he did ask, they had a heart to heart that left my husband and dad both in tears. It was beautiful.
@@basromd hopefully, yes, but sometimes they don't have too much of an opportunity to get to know the guy and the asking gives them a chance to gauge him without the daughter around. A short time, but they might pick up on something.
I do know of one case where the parents gave permission & blessing but told him he should wait to propose until the daughter finished classes (a couple months) because they knew she'd find wedding planning distracting. They were right. As a result, the whole church found out what he was planning and her "surprise birthday party" for him double crossed her and became a "surprise engagement party."
What about your Mom's opinion?
My parents told me it was shameful I was telling them I'm getting married as they believe parents should be the organisers of a marriage not the child. Sadly they do not see the irony on how its shame they brought on themselves by not giving me enough reasons to trust them with such a decision in the first place. They want my partner and me to go and beg and work for their blessing, that was the last straw and I dont plan on having them in my life anymore. They ruined their own family, I aint going to let them ruin mine.
It's all about control for them, not about if you are happy and taken care of.
Their system works better than ours, though...
@@MeanBeanComedy no
@@IncognitoSprax It's about the same, actually.
You should live in a respectable way and your parents will begin to respect your decision. If not, no loss, but you shouldn't count your family short over something so trivial. Sometimes, all people need is time.
Now that’s some powerful truth
If you think your daughter is your property, there is something wrong with you
She's not property, but precious treasure. That's why you don't take away someone's treasure without asking.
@@Gwaycee If it`s your precious treasure you would think it`s your property, wouldn`t you? It just sounds even creepier when you say it like that
Your comment makes no sense, in the context of what the man actually said in this video. I see three possibilities here.
1. You commented without watching the video. You assumed that he would say something you found offensive based on your personal biases against conservatives, and you commented based on those ignorant assumptions.
2. You watched the video, but ignored what he actually said, because you were just so intent on making this ignorant comment that you didn't care about the context.
3. You lack the intelligence to understand the simple and plain English used in this video. So you commented without understanding the subject.
I really don't think it was number three. Even though you obviously don't know that sentences should end with a period, your post was intelligible enough that I don't really think you're stupid. I think it was most likely one of the first two, or a combination of them both. I'm guessing that you let your personal biases get the best of you.
My husband asked my dad.
My dad: Let’s see what she says. 😂
My FiL said something very similar 😂, "shouldn't you be asking her...?" Lol
"worth a try"
For those who don't understand the tradition, I will attempt to explain its purpose. There is a reason that a man "gives his daughter away" at a wedding. Until she marries, she is HIS girl. Not in the sense that he owns her like property, but in the sense that He is the man that has been primarily responsible for her care. The idea behind asking for the father's blessing is based on a recognition and a respect for the fact that this man has been the primary protector and positive male role model in her life, and that once you marry her, that role transfers from her father to you. You don't ask for the father's blessing because it is required. You do it because you recognize his value and because you want him to know that you understand your responsibility as a husband.
Spot on. Also, in the Catholic tradition, while priests can bless anyone, parents can bless their children (and unrelatedly rulers can bless their subjects). This includes children-in-law, so by asking for her father’s blessing, you ask for her father to accept you as a son. iirc
Beautifully said.
@09mrmarshall Historically speaking, nearly everyone was "owned" by their family. Individual rights weren't a thing. Families had rights, not individuals. Engagements were merging of families and the parents of both prospective bride and groom were closely involved.
That's the more modern version. In origin it's literally giving away your daughter as property in order to get a dowry or smth. That and political marriages were extraordinarily common.
@09mrmarshall The "true meaning" of any historical traditions cannot be properly understood unless it is understood in the context of the time and culture. Your discomfort is the "sentimental bullshit" you revile, albeit in negative form. Discomfort with other cultures conceals "true meaning", rather than revealing it.
That's some excellent wisdom.
Wise man. Absolute respect.
I wanted my father's blessing, but also my mother's. My sweet husband sat with both of them and let them know of his intentions and answered their questions. Of course, they already knew him well, so it was no surprise they gave their blessing. I still appreciate the formality so very much though.
That's fair. There is nothing in that ritual that requires an Y chromosome. Indeed if you trust and love your mother it is fair to want her words and advice as well.
@@Snipergoat1 It may be true that men on average have a little more incite into other men and women have a bit more incite into other women when it comes to foreseeing relationship issues.
What intentions? You going to get married and have sex.. and children.. like you didn't have that before you ask to get married ah the sex part that is.. ooopps my assumptions.. but still what do ppl man by intentions??? What a stupid question to ask. I can u Der stand asking about intentions when a teen and dating, but marriage???
@beingsneaky He was letting them know of his intentions to propose and to marry me, and asking for their blessing as he does that. He intended to marry me either way, it wasn't asking for permission, but it is a sweet cultural formality that some of us love. He knew it would mean a lot to me. I also knew it would set a good foundation for a positive relationship with my family. Why is that so hard to understand?
@@beingsneaky Yes. Intentions usually refers to the intention to get married. At least that's the intention that a father would generally be looking for from someone expressing interest in his daughter. A parent who cares for their daughter will want to be sure that a person expressing interest in their daughter isn't just there for physical gratification and a little fun. Also I'd say that someone who insists on a potential partner sitting down with their parents for their blessing is probably 10X as likely to wait for marriage as a person who doesn't hold to any traditions.
If you've done your job as a father, then she's now a woman who's responsible for her choices.
Women are never responsible for their choices lol
Of course, although it seems that you are implying that bgy sking she is abdicating the responsibility for the marriage.
I think, that he is saying that as a parent, you should be a model of what role her spouse should be expected to fill.
I think, and could be wrong, but I think that part of the idea is to have someone who will be a counterweight to the "honeymoon phase" mentality.
But a silly woman couldn't possibly know what's good for her! /s
It's just tradition. Men who are literally expecting to decide who their daughter can marry are deluded, it's simply a show of respect.
@@rawbecka9265 Exaaactliy. We are feeble creatures.
I disagree. A woman who knows her mind and her worth doesn't need your blessing. In fact, if you did it right, she'll be confident enough to know that you support her in all her decisions, and secure in the knowledge that you know she'll make good ones.
These wise words deserve to be spread far and wide. Truly excellent observations and advice.
My daughter is six, this made me cry. I have been self improving for a year now. How this is now going to be my grindstone because this is my goal.
Please don't make her do that and put that expectation on her. Raise her to be independent and make smart decisions, with or without your input. That's how you should measure your success as a father. Not some antiquated tradition that stemmed from when men owned women. Is that really what you want for her? To feel OWNED by ANY man?
@@megharoni I'm surprised that you got that message from this video. Freitas is talking about being the kind of father the daughter _wants_ to talk to, but you're so determined to fight the patriarchy that you're railing against it...
@@AdamSmith-kq6ys My dad gave his blessing to us when he gave me away at the altar. We didn't do away with ALL tradition. But my dad raised an woman who makes wise decisions and he knows it. I never saw a reason to make my future husband ask for his "permission" to marry me, as if I am owned by anyone. Bear in mind, my dad's favorite picture of me is one of me as a young kid defiantly marching away from him with closed fists. He knew I wasn't the kind of girl who could be owned. He raised a daughter he is proud of- I know it because he tells me all the time.
I love the patriarchy, honestly, but some traditions are just stupid, plain and simple.
I really like how you said it was about the daughter respecting how her father treated her mother and her (and I'm assuming everyone else) that caused her to want her potential husband to be like her father. Tremendous!
Lol I bought rings myself and asked my husband without anyone's permission. Still going strong lol
This touched something somewhere inside my heart
I asked my wife’s dad. He said no. I said well it’s just a formality to warn you I don’t need your permission just your daughter.
9 years later now and I’ve given him 2 grand boys and they are closer with us than their other kids. I guess it’s just how well the story ends and not always how it begins. Though the devil on my left sure did have fun in the beginning..
'to warn you'
I suspect that: What would have been better than you having told dad that- is just "acceptance" of the decision. After he said no- you could have just said "Okay, then" and left. Then you could have told your wife that you can't marry her due to the refusal on the part of her father. She would have TORN THAT OLD MAN A NEW A$$ when she found that out. She'd have straightened him out, I suspect.
@@melissachartres3219 Probably but this is your future father in law, You have to establish yourself. The way to do that is in a calm and controlled manner. Sending the fiancee to rip the old man a new one is not only not a calm manner it makes you lesser in his eyes. This guy is about to become family, you don't want to be either weak or hostile to him if you want harmony within your nascent family.
In his situation I would ask why first and actually listen. Then remind him that we did not need his permission and intended to go forward as planned. Then (Assuming that his words had some merit) thank him for his frank if possibly undiplomatic words and will endeavor to fix things as best you can. Then set out to do just that.
@@Snipergoat1 Yeah, I appreciate your well thought out response. You really put some time into that. With that said:
There are essentially two types of relationships that fathers have with their grown-up daughters: tournament and cooperative. If a tournament style regime exists, then that man likely has strained and "necessary" behaviors pervading his interactions with his girl- whereas if he has a cooperative relationship- they likely communicate well and get on with ease. A man who came and told his fiancee that he isn't going to marry his girl due to lack of father-in-law approval wouldn't be "sicking the daughter on him" as you're suggesting. I'm just saying that the wife to be would handle any and all issues associated with such a matter and that the father-in-law is either needful of his relationship with his daughter (and will do whatever it takes to preserve it) or he isn't. The son-in-law to be has no need or dependence on his F.I.L and would be a fool to set himself up for a submissive role in the future. He doesn't have to handle anything at all... he simply steers the "loving daughter" and she keeps the peace between the new bull and the old one.
And this is why this tradition became ridiculous. Back in the day you actually needed the dad's permission
I never thought it was a matter of asking permission, it was always a matter of asking for the blessing… And the wisdom.
That said, when my now husband asked my dad, I don’t know the wording used, but I know that my dad quipped back “which daughter…?” He had three. And he always had to be funny, hilarious.
My dad did that when my sister’s boyfriend first talked to dad about being interested in her. “Which daughter?” I’m 8 years older than my sister and divorced. 🙈
I don't know if you'll see this man, but I'm a disabled veteran struggling to keep it together for my family (financially, mentally, etc.) and you literally make me want to continue to be a better man for my wife and kids. Your mindset and videos are always a reminder that I'm not lost or crazy, I'm just being fed all the wrong shit by the internet. You remind me of my dad when I was growing up (also a disabled veteran) and I wish more men like yall were raising children these days. Keep up the great work brother!
Deep. Powerful. Wisdom. ❤️🔥
👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
God bless y’all! 🦋
I’ve never seen it as a permission thing, to me it’s more about respect and trust.
But it's objectively a possession thing. However you post rationalize it in your mind doesn't matter compared to what it actually is.
@@pascalsimioli6777 I want my future husband to get my father's/parent's blessing. If I propose to him, I will be asking his family for their blessing, so long as he respects/is close to them
@@pascalsimioli6777 it’s not objectively a possession thing. That’s just how you see it. For me, as a woman, it’s a protection and love thing. Although personally, I don’t care about my dad specifically; I’d want the blessing of my parents, plural.
100% correct. Both of my daughters fiancés asked me within 3 months of each other. They knew I’d say yes, but it’s a sign of respect. If I didn’t like them, they’d know it and so would my daughters
@@pascalsimioli6777 while it can be a possession thing and traditionally was so in Christian cultures these days in first world countries at least asking for a blessing is most often a sign your child respects your opinion. This is also seen when sometimes instead of or in addition to the parents other family or even close friends opinions will be sought out.
I straight up told him “i would rather have your blessing but understand that i don’t need it. She is her own adult and will marry who she loves, not whomever you think is right for her.” He smiled and respected me for it.
then everyone clapped
@@williamzeigler5236 imagine not being jealous bc someone else is confident
I was the one that started the slow clap
no bitch she aint yours until you are married. say those words and im popping your ass. asap ive done it several times since my sister got abused and now she doesnt trust any man all because one idiot who didnt got taught not to abuse.
@@grettelv8653nice
Duck!!! Absolutely correct!!! Nicely said.
This man speaks so much truth God bless you
The best compliment I ever got was from my father in-law. He said even though he would always worry about his daughter he knew that with me he didn’t HAVE to worry about her any more.
I asked my husband to talk to my dad and I think it's good. It's good for your spouse to realize how precious you are in your family of birth and realize that the marriage would be a serious thing. I would have been happy to sit down with his side too, but unfortunately his mom did not leave nearby.
Personally, I think the answer is no. If I'm marrying someone, it's ME, not my dad or my mom. Plus, I'd never want to subject my husband to my father lmao. I'm not a man's property.
Legit, spread this. Love this LIVE this!
Amen. And that’s the best and most honest answer I have ever heard.
My BIL asked for my parents permission out of respect. My sister and he had been dating for years prior. It’s so sweet
Dropping some real heat on us young fathers . Thank you good sir . I took this to heart
So much yes. Thank you!!! Be this dad!
My husband asked my dad for my hand in marriage, my dad said what’s wrong with you are you crazy????? 😂
When my husband told my dad he wanted to marry me, my father said, sure but you should know I have a no deposit, no return policy on my daughters. He had 3 girls, no boys! 😁. Poor Dad. ❤
LoL - i like your Dad !!
My husband asked if he should ask my dad. I was 29 years old, completely independent and living on my own. It seemed weird for my husband to ask him permission based on this, so he didn’t. To this day I think my dad was hurt by that. If I could take that back I would. It’s really a respect thing. I looked at it as old school. But my dad IS old school 😂.
Yeah but weird old traditions based on female ownership don't have to last forever. I didn't make my husband ask him, either. Luckily my dad never showed any sign of being hurt by my independence. I'm thankful for that!
@meghanchampagne it's not about ownership. It's more about respect nowadays.
All respectable men are old school
@@Z0mbicore If you can explain to me why the tradition of a man asking a woman's dad for permission to marry her is as important as a dad walking his daughter down the aisle to give her away willingly and officially in front of the Lord Himself, I'm willing to hear you out. But I just don't see why that needs to be a thing. You can't raise an independent woman and expect her to drop that independence just for you. It's all or nothing. Your options as a respectable man are as follows: either be proud of who you raised and let her make her own decisions when it comes to a marriage proposal or complain that you weren't involved in choosing her husband for her. Because some dads are really out there starting beef with their future son-in-laws by telling them "no," like that's even a real option.
@@megharoni, imagine starting out a lifelong relationship by consciously choosing to disrespect that person. When you marry someone, you are now part of that family. That dynamic can already be stressful, why add more tension?
This, this right here is truth, and praise Yah for the men that ask said fathers for their blessing, and for the men who are the fathers that have raised their daughters in this way.
This is the kind of role model young men need today.
Unfortunately my father passed last year due to heart failure. Before he died he asked my boyfriend to take me with him when moved states. In that moment I knew if my boyfriend ever asks to Marry me my father would approve if he was alive. My father respected the man I'm with and the man I'm with respected my father. It brings me to tears knowing my father knew I found a wonderful man when he asked that question. My boyfriend didn't want to take me away from my father because he knew the connection we had was unbreakable. Still is today. Always look up at the sky before leaving for work to have a small talk with my dad. A few months after his passing my boyfriend and I moved to another state.
Nobody needs anybody's permission to do anything with their life. That is freedom.
so r4pe is okay?🤣🤣🤣🤣
Damn, there is true wisdom in these words!
Not permission but ask your blessing.
I know so many couples in history that truly loved each other and were separated by either cruel or demanding or jealous parents, that I'm really glad I can ultimately make a decision for myself. On the other hand, there are tons of examples of relationships that were actually destructive and were prevented from causing harm to the girl through her father's choice.
So I think it's a tough task for the father, and a huge responsibility. You need to be a really good judge of character. You need to be able to let go of your own ideas and wishes if you see she's truly happy with him despite him being an artist. This responsibility is important to protect her on the one hand - because love makes people blind -, but it can also be abused if too much power is tied to it.
Mr. Nick Freitas, your words are so full of wisdom. My wife asked our daughter why she picked her husband. She replied it’s because he’s so much like her dad. We really liked the young man first time we met him, that was 7 yrs before they married. I already saw myself in him. My wife and I are in our 45th year and still going strong. The women in our family sure know how to pick her men. Faithful, good providers, not the best looking but hey, looks fade….I just got there sooner.
Wow, what a take on the situation. That was an amazing response.💪🏼💪🏼💪🏼
My father inlaw was very offended as too why I didn't ask his blessing(I think he said permission) I looked dead in the eyes "cause your answer for better or worse didn't matter. This was happening"
If my kids' future partners treat me with that level of disrespect, I'll likely feel offended too. It doesn't sound smart to put yourself on the offensive with your wife's family first thing, whether you think they "deserve" it or not.
How you treat others shows your character, not theirs.
As a son to terrible father, I see that you are a father that everybody deserves
How do you know? All he does is make content. You know nothing about his life.
YES!!!! ❤ This rings true in every way.
Right on Nick! I'm a woman but you are spot on! Good man...
One of my most precious memories will always be my husband asking my father's permission to marry me. Stuttering, sweating and barely breathing. . .
was he having a stroke
My dad said “If you need to ask permission to marry someones son/daughter from their parent, you’re not ready to get married.” I warned my boyfriend-at-the-time emphatically, not to do this!
I agree with my dad.
But I certainly, subconsciously and probably consciously too, looked for positive traits that my dad also had. I found it, and have been married to a great man for 13 years.
Just thought I’d give a different take on this tradition.
Well said dude. I hope I've done a good enough job for my daughter to feel this way.
I don't have a dad, but I've always wanted my boyfriend to ask my grandpa for his blessing. My Pa has been the most amazing male figure in my life, he worked hard for his family and he truly loves us. I appreciate the life that he built for us and honestly I really respect him, more than anyone else. He's my favorite:) I can't wait until he is able to give me away at my wedding, because I know he will be so proud of me for finding a good man to build a family with and carry on our family. I love you Pa
I asked to speak with her dad in private and I told him my intentions of marriage. I did not ask him because I was going to do it regardless of his blessing or not. That talk went well and I don't think I will ever forget it.
great point, sir and I appreciate that incite. My son in-law did ask my permission, in spite of all my mistakes and it meant the world to me! You really put it into perspective though. I know she was raised right, but as I've gotten to know his dad in particular, I know he was raised right also. I couldn't be more proud!
@@thanksagainforthetea both
Love it, your one smart man. It looks like your father raised you right. Thank you for that. I hope all of the men see this I shared you should too😮.
all of your videos and all of your advice has been Rock Solid thank you😊
My BF asked my dad. .
Dad- I'm not the one to ask.
BF- I'm asking
Dad- What if I say no? You really not going to ask her?
BF- I wasn't asking permission. I'm still going to ask her and then I'm going to tell her you said no. Then you deal with the one you raised.
Dad Yes, Yes, Yes I told you not to bring her back when you started dating.. .
Actually my dad said Don't ever hit her, if you're even thinking about it just drop her off here at home.
Dad
Permission no, blessing yes. My understanding has always been that you are asking for her father's blessing/approval of the prospect, not his permission to ask her.
Yes. It's called respect.
It’s all in how the daughter views her father.
That’s respect earned not granted.
Words of wisdom from a man that apparently raised his kids rather than dragging them up. Cheers.
Here’s the honest truth from a guy’s perspective. If you’re her father and present yourself as a true role-model, he will usually present you with his intentions prior to asking because he knows how much you mean to him and to her. If you’re not this kind of person, he will not ask because he knows what she deserves.
So does the same ring true for sons? Should a woman ask her boyfriend’s mother for permission to marry her son? Sounds ridiculous when you flip it around doesn’t it. What an archaic practice. Women are no longer chattel. Let independent people make independent decisions for themselves.
Also if you're a good human and actually build a relationship with your daughters significant other they'll build a level of respect for you. That's why they should ask the dad, not cause they're scared, cause they respect him.
Well he's not the one bedding with me, so it wouldn't be his business.
My wife would have married me regardless of what her parents said. It was a sign of respect to her mother and father and to her as well
Exactly, Yes indeed!! Well said!
Wow, this is great. I was not only surprised when my now husband asked my father(because in my experience such gallantry and respect towards a young woman was only seen in movies), but I was surprised at my fathers reaction and lack thereof(but then again not surprised). I told my now husband to not bother as deep down it was meaningless to the person he was asking and despite what the answer was it was irrelevant to me making my choice. But he told me it was meaningful to him and why. He them also asked some to my Mum which was very meaningful to us both. I realized yet again, he was a keeper. 29 years later and his gallantry and respect has not waned.
How is it respectful to you to give someone else the authority to make that decision for you?
Haha did he bring two oxen to trade for you?
Its sad that the mother was an after fact. What sexist, misogyny that turned our to be.
It's evil to ignore the mother. The dad IS NOT more important. Where do you all get these crazy ideas from?
Attain Love and Respect. That is greater than causing fear.
Good point. Being a dad isn't about a power trip. It's a huge responsibility. The biggest responsibility that you could possibly have.
This the type of stuff us young men that grew up without a father needs to hear.
My grandpa was there for me but he wasn't always there like a father, he was always my grandpa no disrespect to anything that he taught me, it's just something I feel inside me.
After listening to a person talk about the virtues of getting to know your future bride's father, before letting her know that she's getting married to you, this is something that was a real joy to hear.