When my mother was in early stage dementia a neurologist was questioning her and asked her who the president was. She just stared at him. So he asked her again who the president was. She said, “Oh who the hell cares?” We all laughed including my mother and it remains an inside family joke.
Love that! Over here in Britland at one of my Dad's tests he was asked who the Prime Minister was, the comeback was "I don't really follow politics!" Seems there's always a spark left! you just have to hope you're there when it happens
@@nskVideos Yeah she was a salty old girl. Once when she was in a rehabilitation center a nurse couldn’t get her to wake up in the middle of the night when she wanted to get her vitals and so the nurse had to call EMTs to come in and help her wake her up she didn’t know if she’s dead or alive. The EMTs were calling her name and shaking her feet and one of them lifted her eyelid up and she was looking right at him and she said leave me the hell alone I’m trying to sleep.
Yes!!!! Yes a million times over. I cared for my mom with Alzheimer's. I listened to every story she told, stories often fabricated and repeated, as if I were hearing them for the first time and they were absolute truth. I missed those stories when her illness had advanced and she didn't tell them anymore, eventually losing the ability to speak. It made her happy to tell them. What did it cost me to let her think I believed them? We passed a spot almost daily that had a rock which looked as if it were about to fall. She commented each day as if she'd never seen it before. Some days I would say, "Wow, do you see that rock?" as we were about to pass it knowing she would turn to me with an expression of, "Omg right? You see it too?". I learned to live in her world, knowing it was temporary. It was the last gift I could give to the woman who had given me life.
It's called "meeting them where they are." My mother has worked with people with dementia for several decades, and she witnessed first-hand how care changed from "Re-orient them in reality to fix them" to "meet them where they are." Viggo is right; trying to re-orient them is little better than torture.
He was playing himself. That's a very good point you made. I like it, because the same thing had occurred to me, from the other direction, looking at the roguish Edward Furlong. He really shone as the rough-round-the-edges John Connor and Hawk in 'Detroit Rock City.' That's him, and this is Aragorn. Great casting.
@@paulmuaddib3470 I suppose that goes for *any* field. And it's knowing *how* to draw on it. I'd not had much access to my *sense of humour* till recently ...😯
I came to the same realization...the third time grandpa asked me where grandma was, I felt in this case a lie was appropriate and more kind than the truth that wounded him deeply twice, minutes before, then he'd forget again... I told him grandma and my wife were out shopping, and would be back soon. He was then at peace. Learning that his wife was dead years before served no purpose, and was unkind. Usually the truth is best, but not always.
"Usually the truth is best" I would say in this case there is two truths and we can choose either one, the other person with dementia may not have that choice because they hold on to what they percieve as the truth, for them it's like walking on a trail in the middle of the darkest night and the narrow trail is the only area illuminated ground to walk on, if you force them of that trail you force them to walk blindly were they can't see anything, it would maybe work if you stayed there so they could put all their trust in you to help them, but you leave them there in the dark instead, is that a thing you would do IRL leading people away from qn illuminated trail into the total darkness and leave them there because that makes your own life easier ?
"Serve them, don't serve yourself." So perfect. Early on with my mother, I'd correct her without really thinking about it. Then at one point, I reminded her that her sister had died years ago. But she didn't know and that gave her the pain of loss again. Its a humbling experience, setting aside "reality" to walk in her world.
"... walk in her world." Thank you for that statement, Belinda. That encapsulates in a few short words EXACTLY what our role is for those afflicted with dementia. I will remember this going forward and share those words with others when the need arises. Blessings to you.
When my late mother was going “downhill” with dementia, I found myself saying things like “Mom…I just told you that”! My wife caught me one day, and said “That doesn’t matter…it doesn’t matter how many times you’ve told her. Now, not only have you needlessly pointed out a fault, you’ve hurt her feelings. And while she’ll no doubt forget about it, in that moment, you’ve hurt her feelings”! I never did it again…..and I used that message to my late father who worked hard at being her caretaker. And Viggo, I’ve always thought you one hell of an actor…..now I think of you as one hell of a man.
When my great uncle was dying, my mother and I visited him at the hospital. He mentioned that his mother - who had died decades before- had just visited him as well. Both Mom and I said that was lovely and if he saw her again to please give her our love. Afterwards we agreed there was no need to argue or correct him. And anyway, who’s to say he didn’t just see her. Maybe he did.
My grandfather apparently saw his mother on his deathbed (not dementia - lung cancer that had spread to his brain). He said that she was there to collect him. I've heard of other people on their deathbeds say the same thing. Maybe their loved one were collecting them to held them onto the next life? That's what I like to think🙂
@@captainnemo190 you have got to read Final Gifts. It’s by 2 hospice nurses. Many dying people are visited by their dead loved ones! It’s very common. My late brother visited our mom when she was dying - and he brought a friend 😃 That’s so like him. We didn’t “correct” our mother. A family friend who was 90 said her parents visited her when she was near the end, and her doctor put her on antipsychotics 😡 Final Gifts is a must-read. Fascinating and reassuring in a non religious way. And anyone who loves a dying person HAS to read it.
We had a similar thing with my Grandmother, she was in hospital after a little fall and had injured her wrist, so they put it in a cast. When me and my mother went to visit her she told us that her mother (who died decades ago) had chosen the colour for the cast on her wrist and that she was going to go and live her mum when she left hospital. We told her that her mum had a great taste in colour and how lovely it was that she was going to live with her.
Precisely. I have always took the same attitude with schizophrenia (not to be confused with MPD/DID, the major differences being external vs. internal voices; other entities vs. other personalities; “them“ “over there” in partial influence over decisions the person makes vs. “them“ inside, in partial direct control of the body itself as a personality of it; and other external voices, entities (they may hear in their head, but it’s something other than an internal personality) always or almost always suggesting harmful ideas and actions vs. internal voices, personalities suggesting a whole range of preferences, many benign or even positive, possibly very helpful and problem-solving, or weak and incapable, a wide range of personalities, as they were created to handle extreme abuse and extreme trauma when a person might otherwise go truly mad and never recover, never be functional, the personalities are there to serve a purpose, even if that purpose is expressing rage, but not just with primarily a harmful intent). Who’s to say the “schizophrenic” (I hate the label, the connotation it’s come to have, I think they are sane, just traumatized from their real experiences, it’s so arrogant to assume that just because we don’t see something, it isn’t there. You don’t see broadcast waves of radio or TV shows, or wireless anything, but they are there, and with the right device you can see and hear them. I figure it’s no different with whatever schizophrenics see and here), who’s to say they don’t see something we don’t? Who’s the say they don’t go in and out of another dimension at times? Who’s to say something from another dimension doesn’t come into this one in a way that only they can perceive? Ignorance and arrogance are a deadly combination. And every once in a while, it might be we who are the ignorant ones, we who lack the ability to see and hear things rarely seen by others. (This thought wanders and comes back to the main point at the end entry... Which is they do best when you treat them like they aren’t really there, because the entities are there). I certainly have seen what most people would consider “paranormal“, things that are absolutely there, because they can, at times, manipulate the physical realm, like pick something up and throw it, including yourself, not just pots and pans, and books, and boxes of food, lighter weight things, they have no limit to strength, a car wouldn’t be outside their capabilities. You can’t throw yourself around, at least most people can’t. An actor may be able to pretend to, but even an actor can’t levitate himself and THEN be thrown, or leave bruises and cuts or break bones without touching him or herself with anything, with no visible contact. There are plenty of documented cases of that, sometimes in front of a room full of witnesses, even hard-core skeptics...who become former hard-core skeptics. So, why wouldn’t schizophrenics possibly be able to see and hear any number of things from another dimension, not just broadcast waves, which can be all around us all the time but are not (usually) visible or audible unless we have the proper device? Nevermind the V2K project, yet another matter altogether that validates them. It’s a whole different rabbit hole. 🌱🍄🌳🌸🌾 Plant matter does the same thing. The things that grow from a seed are nowhere near the sum of the parts. You couldn’t take earth, air, sunlight, and water, and the contents of the seed all ground up (so there are no instructions for another dimension to follow), and ever come up with anything but mud. Certainly we know that the colors, the flavor, the fragrance, and the texture do not come from some tiny little condensed packet in the seed (Go ahead and try to get any of those characteristics form just the seed itself). Photosynthesis doesn’t remotely begin to explain where those characteristics come from. Things have to come from somewhere. It’s interesting how people say they can’t “see” the hand of the Creator at work. Really? I could “see” it even when I was a three-year-old, four-year-old, five-year-old. I could observe, and try to get an adult to explain where those characteristics come from. All I got was the same tiresome explanation of photosynthesis. Yes, we alllll know what triggers the seed to begin to change into something else. Blah, blah. No amount of slowing down that tiresome explanation is going to ever explain *where *those *characteristics *come *from. They do NOT come from the dirt. They do NOT come from the air. (Although Scientism would have you believe so.). They do NOT come from the sunlight. And they do NOT come from the water. Scientism would have you believe that those factors are capable of producing color, texture, flavor, fragrance, and the sheer mass and compilation itself, which are not the sum of the parts. They can’t be compiled and made into them. And believing they can would be as ridiculous as taking earth, air, sunlight, and water and saying you can build a car out of it. You can’t turn those parts into food or flowers or trees anymore than you can turn them into a car. It’s laughable. And yet they will tell you with a very straight face that it is possible, and they will call you the idiot for a questioning them. The truth is they have no idea, or they do have an idea, but suggesting it would completely derail their agenda. People might think. People that think might actually talk. People that think and talk might actually influence other people to think and talk, and then they would break the shackles... You can taste and smell those things for 1 million years, science can play with the raw ingredients for a trillion years, and neither you or they are ever going to come up with those characteristics that develop in plants. But Scientism (different than true science, Scientism is the dogmatic belief in anything presented as science, regardless of a complete lack of evidence, or regardless of an entire mountain range of evidence to the contrary of whatever is being presented as “science“. Actual science is the ability to test, observe, and repeat something, and therefore establish it as a very likely fact. And there are many things people take as “scientific fact” which have NO ability to test, observe and repeat. IOW, they can not actually be demonstrated or proven. If people think through some of the things they are so sure about, and they will start to realize there are some very blatant ones staring them in the face that cannot be demonstrated at all, but they are sure they are fact, when in fact, there are other facts that can be demonstrated, but mocked by the people and Scien...tism.
My grandmother had dementia and when I would visit her I never knew what role I would be playing. It might be her mother, sister, daughter...I’d just play along and agree with whatever story she was telling. The reminiscing calmed her and I became an “actor” for the moment.
I did this with my beloved stepfather. One time he made up this whole narrative of me being married and running a motorcycle factory. He had wonderful advice about to lean on my father-in-law and make more money. He was cogent, and believed everything he said, so I took it it in the spirit it was intended. Which was kind, caring, and wise, as always.
We all did the same for my Grandmother when she was dying from cancer. She kept thinking people who had died years ago were in the room or that we were people that we weren't. We quickly realized that if you just played along, she wouldn't become distressed nearly as often.
@@Mode-Selektor That is typical of dying patients. I don't think it has anything to do with dementia or Alzheimer's. But you probably did the right thing, there's no point in "correcting" their experience as long as it's a good one.
Not sure why this came up in the algorithm for me today, but it's lovely to see Viggo sharing this concept, this idea. When my former grandmother-in-law was experiencing Alzheimer's symptoms, family members would correct her and try to tell her what current reality was...and I remember having a conversation with this dear, lovely woman who had been nothing but kind to me...and I let her tell me whatever HER reality was at the moment. And we chatted calmly and she laughed and it was a wonderful, simple time between the two of us while no one else was paying attention.
An elderly gentleman that I’d see when I was visiting my mom was always worried about “his horses out back”. He would be so worried that they would be fed. As soon as I told him not to worry and that I’d make sure, he seemed so relieved. Sometimes I’d stop on the way out and tell him that he didn’t have to worry. It’s not a lie… he shouldn’t have to worry about the memories of pets that he once loved and held heir memory close to heart. It took me way too long to learn that lesson. Correcting someone that is suffering from dementia helps no one…. Not even the one correcting because it causes them to be frustrated that they can’t fix the “brokenness” that the disease causes. You can’t fix it, only try to minimize stress and worry. It feels like resignation to a horrible disease and that it wins if you just go along with it, but in the end it is sage advice you give.
This is all true however in my mother's situation she tends to say that my father left her for another woman, when in fact he died while still married to her 7 years ago. Rather than let her be sad because she thinks she was abandoned, we do correct her and let her know he died. It is so strange that it is better to hear a person is dead than that he left you, but it actually does make her feel better.
My family went through a very similar situation when my grandfather was deteriorating. He thought his wife was seeing other men and ignoring his calls and so on, but she was simply in a nursing home while he was in hospital. He was very confused and it was better to reassure him that Joan wasn’t doing any of those things.
One thing I learned was sometimes dementia sufferers do not recognise people they know up close, however if you enter the room and stop at the door, call out to them, say hello, ask how they are. Often they will then recognise you. Something about the distance, gives needed perspective.
It's a thing they talk about in forensic anthropology; people we know, we recognise them as a 'whole' not the different bits of them, like we don't see their nose, their lips, their shoulders, their knees but we can 'see' them in the low light, in the distance, in a faded photop, by the 'whole' picture we have of them
I took care of a friend's mom who had dementia. My young daughter would come with me. Nana would tell the same story dozens of times. We always acted like it was the first time. My daughter did so without me coaching her to. I am so proud of her for that. We adored Nana. She had been a nurse who taught for many years. She had been raised in a family of girls to be a companion for her only brother. This was in the 1930s. Nana climbed trees, learned to box, played baseball and wore overalls most of the time in an era where that was unheard of. She once beat the tar out of a bully who threatened her brother. She helped her father tend their secret vineyard during prohibition. She had many stories. Even when she repeated the same story over and over, it was great to see her so happy to share the memories. As he said, what good would it have done her to be "corrected"? R.I.P. , Nana. You were the best.
Exactly. If the "correction" were capable of removing the dementia, then by all means correct. But it's not. As Mortensen says, all you're going to do is make the person feel bad. Then they'll forget again.
listening to my grandma and my friend grandpa's story are awesome memories... i remember their stories well and pass them on. you get alot of information from someone that lived so long even if its a bit jumbled from time to time.
My Grandad had dementia the last few years of his life and he spent his last few days in hospital as his health deteriorated from sepsis and other health issues. His speech went after the 1st day or two, he slept most of the time and when he was conscious he could only manage one eye open. His sister flew over from Australia when she learned he was dying and he held onto life long enough for her to arrive and say her last goodbye to him. When she arrived, he still recognised her because he used what little strength he had to open both his eyes to look at her, and smiling weakly he held her hand. He passed away a couple of hours later. I look forward to seeing him again in the Great Resurrection.
Exactly what he is saying here, another way to look at it is, you have the very rare opportunity to hear certain details and to see a part of them that may have been forgotten before memory loss. You have a case where you can talk to them as if they were younger. The mindset they had. Their views on life then, that current times history, family life, their love, etc. and that opens so many opportunities to be able to have very interesting conversations not many people get to have in their lifetime.
My Papa had dementia, and I took care of him during his end of life. One day I told my sister I had the best conversation with Papa and I had no clue what we were talking about. Memories of him make smile.
My beloved stepfather passed in March. It took painful time, but I've realized that his spirit is alive and strong in me. When you are touched by love like that, it *never* leaves you.
@@marcmarparran7753 Truly... The only thing that is frustrating is that you cannot get any more of that love, of that person... Every good memory you have is always bittersweet (at least that's how it is for me)... But I think that that is meaningful too. It shows the impact that person has had on your life!
@@janold0808 As I told my stepfather, he was better than the real thing, in my case. His final illness lasted six months. He didn't have dementia, but high calcium levels caused him major confusion. The effect was pretty similar, I reckon. I feel something both strange and wonderful. I sort of feel like I've *absorbed his personality.* I don't *think* I'm crazy, but I knew him so well, I sometimes *act* more like him than myself, as I was before. He was more outgoing than me, laughed and enjoyed his life. Now I do it *for* him, and it brings me joy. He is still enjoying life with me, when I do. If you reversed that into something bad, you could make a good horror story. But he was such a wonderful man whom people adored. He singlehandedly saved me from me what would have been a *really* wretched life.
@@marcmarparran7753 Coming to terms with loss is a very unique process for everyone so I also don't think you are crazy. It's great that you can get so much strength out of your memory of him and the impact he has had on you! Hold onto that!
My mother had dementia for years before her death. The sadness of the disease was hard for our whole family. I will, though remember with great pride the patience my father had for her. He never lost his patience even with the repeated questions and sometimes not being recognized by his wife of 67 years. He was an inspiration. It truly is the worst disease of all.
What he said is absolutely right, my Mother suffered from dementia for about 11 years before she went to heaven. And those the early years were hard because she knew something was wrong and there were stages of anger. But in the last few years of her life she became so sweet and was loved by everyone around her. I miss her so much
When my dad thought I was mom (who had passed) I never corrected him...I just let it slide...he didn't always do it, but it didn't hurt anything when he did, and it made him happy. My mom was in full dementia when she passed, and I never asked her if she knew who I was. I could see the confusion on her face which I'm assuming was due to the fact that I look so much like she did at that age. She was too polite to tell me she didn't know, and she didn't question me calling her "mom". When she passed she knew who I was and waited for me to give her permission to go, with a promise that I'd take care of dad. Which I did.
Isn't that amazing, that people with dementia or Alzheimer's get a brief period of lucidity before they go? Almost seems designed, a way to give their family peace at the end. And in my grandpa's case, give them a last opportunity to give and receive forgiveness.
1:51 That part blew my mind... Viggo is such an empathetic, intelligent person it is truly incredible. "How is your subjective reality any more real that theirs" ... Wow...
@@dab88 I mean unless you have found a way to extract memory from a brain, I'd argue it is subjective. But I am open to have my mind changed. Maybe though, your definition of memory differs from the one Viggo has. To steel-man his perspective, I'd say that he means our view of the past when he talks about memory.
@@dab88 it can be if you want to be technical. people often remember or retain details of events they want to focus on, and everybody's perception of an experience can be different, plus our memories are always changing bc our brain can alter details of it over time
I'm going through the beginnings of this dynamic right now with my 92 year old mother. I'm twice frustrated-- by losing the person that was, for sure, but more from hearing myself trying to fix what isn't actually broken but is just new and out of my control. Thank you, Viggo Mortensen.
It's selfless and thankless work, and doesn't get any easier. First there's this part, where we bang our head against the wall trying to get through to the other person; then they start to understand, deep down, that something is wrong, and invariably they lash out at the caretakers closest to them; then we experience profound guilt for being tired and hoping that it will be over soon (in truth, this too comes from a place of compassion, we just want the suffering to end; but in the moment the guilt manifests as us hoping we'll be let off the hook).
Sending all my love. Make sure you take care of your own well being too, however that looks. You don’t love them any more or better from getting burned out. ❤️
And I hope you have someone to talk to, to unload all the messy conflicting thoughts and emotions. You gotta vent that stuff. Good luck with everything Andrew.
Please look up how you can use coconut oil to help in patients with Alzheimer’s. I 1st heard about it from a neuroscientist who specializes in Alzheimer’s patients, and she swore by it with her mom. She would talk of a marked difference within minutes of giving her a little spoonful. I can attest to insane medicinal qualities to it- for one if you want to lose weight/retain muscle, jumpstart your metabolism or just generally- a little spoonful morning midday & night will do just that. Farmers discovered you will get lean livestock, not fatten them up if you give them coconut oil. It helps with lowering blood sugar overall, but if you cook with it it will reduce the blood sugar spike from whatever you’re eating. So it’s helpful for diabetics but also healthy people. It helps with temperature regulation. Most my life I had poor circulation, freezing hands & feet & I could be under 100 blankets. Few weeks of taking coconut oil I’ve never had that issue again. Many many uses but I hope you’ll look up the medical articles regarding Alzheimer’s. Especially since you’re in the early stages, I hope you know how much diet can affect - help or hurt. I’m also going to suggest u look up tropical traditions website. Their gold label coconut oil has more of the good stuff in it. Personally I think MCT oil (derived from coconut oil) has less benefits, I’ve used both. And no I’m not a shill for the company. I could make an affiliate link if I wanted to get something back from the suggestion. I haven’t even bought from them in years, still going thru a 5gallon bucket I purchased on sale. I’m just passionate about things that work, & had enough of my own health issues where doctors didn’t help, but some person’s heartfelt recommendation led me down roads that changed my life. That company also has a business model for higher quality product while helping family farmers so I tell everyone lol. Take care & good luck all.
I never found these situations challenging. It was the ones where my gram was frantically looking for my grandpa because the were late for a wedding that happened in 1930 or when she couldn't find her savings book from her bank 50 years prior. And she's in extreme terror because she was convinced we were robbing her. A loved one with dementia is devastating for all.
I learned that the hard way myself. Seeing the devastation on my grandmother's face was enough to teach me to rethink how i handle these situations. It was easier to give a white lie. She ended up telling some really interesting stories as a result of some of them. It was always nice to see her doing what she really enjoyed - telling tales - and even though she wasn't in the moment with me, i was in the moment with her, and that still gave me something special.
In fact, you added to her pleasure as a story teller by letting it flow...that's a good thing. My mother in law is in mid stage and she's a story teller from the past. I encourage these journeys...they don't have to be accurate.🙏⚘
So grateful that I had four more years with my mother after I realized my "reorienting" her was actually "disorienting" her and creating anxiety and agitation. Ten minutes later, all was forgotten and forgiven. Three years this week that she'll be gone-still working on forgiving myself.
@@dougspidermanhappy Bless you, kind stranger. Mom surely would. Perhaps this will be my Christmas gift to myself this year. Thank you again for taking the time to read my comment and for responding.
I watched my pops decline through the years. He loved baseball. I watched a whole game with him until he realized I was his son and was really confused. I love you, Dad!
This really depends on the person and the situation. I was in the car with my grandfather, early stage, and he started talking to me as if I was his brother. I listened and agreed, asked a few things, then he came out of it. He realized what had happened anf told me to pull the car over. I did, and he proceeded to yell at me, cry, and finally ask me to never do that again. He told me that if he ever did something like that around me to speak up. He was tired of the pity and of everyone acting like it was normal. For him, that was worse than having someone tell him that he wasn't talking to his brother or his mother. I know not everyone will be like this. Maybe my grandfather was an outlier, an odd case. However, people are different and different approaches are needed. Do what works best for them, but don't assume that it's as simple as it seems.
That stage must be really difficult for someone, to slip into that, then realise your mistake, be embarrassed. Awful. I think when people get to the stage of not realising, if no one says anything, then it’s better to go along with it. But you are right, and it’s difficult. You have to know the person you are dealing with.
Still early enough to realize and have fear about it. Maybe gentle corrections like “___ sounds like a great person”, “sounds like you had a nice time with ___”. If they catch on it’s enough to bring them back for a time and you’re not playing into the throwback (since he doesn’t want you too, for now), but still being kind. Eventually though, things may change and adaptability is key.
My Mom is at this stage. But it was causing her to distance herself. Not on my watch❣️ I reminded her that she didn't do anything wrong so she had no reason to be embarrassed. "Pride comes b4 a fall". Her great granddaughters are all so young that it makes no difference to them. Once I got her to understand my promise I had made to my Dad to watch over her, she has seemed much more relaxed. I really need to see this movie!!✌️❤️
Thank you, this is how I feel (I made a comment above)...and it's all very well saying that "you" say that to make "YOU" feel better to try and keep the person that you knew with you...but seriously....who's looking after the people looking after the ones with dementia? it's a terrible cycle all round....sometimes I envy pets (if you know what I mean)
Thank you soo much for the clarification, Aragorn! Sometimes my family wants me to “lie” to my grandmother, my Nana, and I just don’t like lying. I’m an honest person naturally. How you broke it down, I now realize we’re not necessarily lying to them, but I guess I think of it now like we’re reliving their memories with them. And Now I know, breaking them out of that is really disturbing for them. We’ll probably never really know how to handle dementia, but the best we can do is just help them, not hurt them.
They are called “therapeutic lies”. Intended to comfort not to deceive. My aunt has lost more and more of her most recent memories. Her current reality is her childhood sad but it is her reality
I love this. I worked with alzheimers patients for years. It is all about quality of life. Pockets of joy. Moments of caring & loving. It does not matter if the facts are right .
That’s the way we were with Dad. My mum got cranky - almost fifty four years married - but my sister who cared for them in their last year together just went with the flow! Sounds like she had the right idea.
My 50 year old husband had a huge brain tumor that affected the frontal & temporal lobes. It showed itself out of nowhere & changed my husbands memory/personality overnight. He went from an engineer to an old man or little boy at times. My kids and I decided it was dads world and to agree with him on anything he said. It was a long 14 months but we gave him the dignity he deserved without arguing about unimportant facts. It was more important to love him than to correct him. I have no regrets.
My was diagnosed with Alzheimers a year ago and is still very lucid. But this information is really something I'll have to save. From the king himself no less! Thanks Elessar~
As you are in the early stages of caregiving, a little advice from a former caregiver....Get a journal and write in it every day. If is was a good day or rough day. Behavior that day. How the person in feeling. Are they in pain. Something funny that happened or was said. Keep track of appointments. Be their advocate with the various doctors that may become involved in their care. Take pictures!!!! Candid, happy, sad, posed if they are willing. Look into Power of Attorney, DNR and advanced directives. Educate yourselves on the various types of dementia. Look in to home health or memory care even if you don't think they will be placed. You don't know where this road is heading. Don't compare your loved one to any other, each case is different. Since your person is very lucid at this point, ask them questions and record their answers. These things can be very helpful along this journey. The journals will be a comfort after.
This was my grandma's reasoning when she decided we shouldn't tell granddad that their daughter had just died of cancer. Granddad didn't need to go through that kind of grief in his final days, especially if he was just going to forget it, *especially if he might remember it later and be forced to re-live it.* Granddad joined Aunt Deidra shortly after. RIP
My mom has Alzheimer's. I'm her full time caretaker. She's 83, and I'm 58. I really really appreciate this video/movie. God bless all of you, and your family.
This is the brilliant insight that so few people understand when dealing with those who have dementia. For me it came after my mother went into the nursing home and started telling me about talks she was having with her Uncle Albert who had died some decades ago. I realized that I had to go to where she was in her mind and not try to bring her back to my reality. When you know someone really well like I did my mother, it wasn't hard to get her references and pick up on where the conversation needed to go for her. Doing this calmed her and let me know that I was connecting with her in a way that was as real to her as it could be in that stage of her life. This is what I would want my daughter to do for me.
I once was invited to lunch by friends whose mother was in the early stages of dementia. I had met her several years ago at a Thanksgiving. At the lunch she looked at me and said “I don’t remember your name”. I laughed and said “don’t worry about it, I forget names all the time” and then reintroduced myself to her. We stayed in the present the whole time unlike her daughter-in-law who kept trying to get her ti remember her grandchildren.
My grandma who had dimentia sortof knew that she would forget conversations or where she was or what she was doing, but she was raised to be so polite and listen to others that she never mentioned anything, just laughed along! But I always knew because of this she was being genuine. She complimented the same purse I had for years, asking if it was new every time. I'd just say yes and thank you, and it was lovely knowing it was from the heart every time! She'd also laugh at little mistakes she made. It was down to her being such a trusting and loving person with a good sense of humor that she knew we would take care of her even if she didn't know what was going on. Sometimes when she was too frail to bathe or dress herself for bed and my mom would go to help her, they would get the giggles about something and laugh and laugh long after they both forgot what they were laughing about! We're also a very science minded family and don't shy away from talking about health and medicine and aging, so awareness of what dimentia and alzhiemersis was while it still could be stored in her long-term memory helped a lot.
YES. Thank you so much. It is so true. My mum has late dementia, I internally said goodbye a long time ago. Now, I have no one to talk to about the books we both liked. She's getting worse all the time. Doesn't know where she is, can't remember words. So I just waffle on, on the phone. Can't even go and see her due to covid. I'm loosing one of my best friends.
You should see your mum. There are parts of her mind that will never lose that yearning for familiar stimulus. The sound of your voice or a tune they love, your smile, a hug or a hand in theirs with you talking. It would be comforting to her even if she's forgotten how to express that.
Your best friend is still inside you, and your memories. What you are doing for your Mum is a gift to that woman you remember, enjoyed by the woman you see now. Your gift comes when she smiles.
yes, I told my mom that her sister died years ago...she was shocked... I never brought her into the present time again and all was loving and well when I learned to stay in the present.
Absolutely yes. This is the compassionate and loving way to relate to someone with dementia. I learned to join my mother’s reality, rather than insisting on my version.
I feel horribly about how poorly I cared for my grandmother dealing with dementia. Thank you for this insight. I am sorry for having so little patience and I love and miss you grandma. Forgive me Lord
I worked in an elderly home and Viggo is absolutely right. You can't fix them, you only can help them by talking to them and make it seem that their reality is true. If you want to decrease the chances of getting dementia, eat healthy, do sports and especially keep your brain fit.
"Your accepting people just as they are..." The funny thing is that maybe we could treat everyone with this respect, because everything he says is relatable to everyone we know instead of only people with dementia. It's simply called acceptance.
When my grandfather was deep into his dementia and I visited him when home from far away, he spoke of France, streetlights, etc. Things I had never heard him know or speak about prior. I doubt he knew who I was but I sat enraptured by his story nevertheless. That was one of my last memories with him and I am grateful I went with-him instead of correcting him as to where he was. It's so true. We do things most times for ourselves. Even our grief in loss is for ourselves. We want our loved one and our experiences with them to be familiar, or the same. In the meantime EVERYTHING is Impermanent. ~Peace~ 🌿🕊💕🌎
it's hard to see actors as authentic people but he obviously is able to imagine and realize true human compassion, there's much wisdom in how he frames authentic relationships.
I had no idea this was a film! He’s so right & I’ve witnessed people dying say family members are coming to visit them, the closer they are to passing. How do WE know if the spirit’s of their loved ones are not doing so? None of us is an authority on such things! So he’s right! Their Consciousness is no less valid! Wonderfully wise! I’ll look for this film! Thank you!
My uncle had dementia. Once he was speaking of my aunt who had died a few years before. His son was frustrated and exclaimed 'Mom died a long time ago!' . My uncle's face dropped and he began crying that why didn't anyone tell him. So it really makes the person grieve again and again.
Viggos understanding of dementia and how to interact with those that suffer from it are so accurate. The best moments with my mom during those last years were when I joined her in her memories instead of me pulling her into my present. I miss her every day.❤
Dementia runs in my family. I realised pretty quickly with my grandfather that the best thing is to just play along. Truth means something different at that point and all that matters is happiness and comfort. I just hope people play along with me when I get it.
BEAUTIFULLY stated. NO need to correct them; just 💘love them for the time you have. When they are no longer present in your world...jump in there's via music, laughter, not correcting, learning to let things go/ which battles to fight). GIVE them peace, love, and care for your days are numbered. RIP Sweet Mama.
Many of the words here from peoples own life experiences have helped to open my eyes even wider about maintaining the dignity, respect, and contentedness of our loved ones going through this, instead of "helpfully correcting" them.. Much love to each and every one of you going through this with someone you love.
That moment when King Elessar calls you out…🥺 I always want to improve myself, so I usually show affection by trying to help people improve themselves. Which is great when you are tutoring, or helping your friend start a business, or helping your girlfriend through trauma…but that’s not the only way of loving someone that exists. My mom is showing signs of the same non-Alzheimer’s dementia that her mother and sister had. I’ve been angry that she won’t admit something is wrong, but watching this made me realize that is selfish. If she were to move into a ward, she wouldn’t be living with her husband anymore. She would be safer, but that’s not the same thing as happier. I need to enjoy the time I have with her, not spend it worrying. I need to say goodbye now, so that I’m ready for anything. I would not have thought of that myself. And I’d be lying if I said this advice wasn’t a LOT easier to swallow because of who it came from and how he presented it.
Recognizing a mistake, and being willing to correct it with humility, is a wonderful thing (though harder when the source of the correction isn't as pleasant as Aragorn). Your mother is blessed to have you!
I am a nurse. I had a woman who thought she was in a department store rather that a cancer ward. My training taught me to “orientate” her…. I DIDN’T …. I have many stories like this. I would never make someone unhappy. My mother-in-law never knew her husband was dead for two years..we always said he was having lunch….then she passed. Orientation of patients is not always the right thing. Love you Viggo ! 👍👍. 🍺😁
I can confirm everything that he's saying, twelve years of looking after my mother taught me more about what makes us human and how to truly care for each other.
Thank you. I have a family member who I’ll call A with moderate to severe Alzheimer’s whose spouse, B, constantly corrects A. It feels like punishment when I hear it and it doesn’t serve any good purpose for A. If I’m talking with A and they move around in time or “reality”, I just follow. It doesn’t cost me anything and seems harmless to A. So thank you for affirming my feelings on the matter and for being an empathetic soul.
You’re so right. Spot on! To them, it’s their first time asking the question every time & correcting them benefits no one! Just better to have some compassion & grow some patience, putting yourself in their shoes...thinking on how you’d like to be treated if it had happened to you. This happened to my mom in 2005/2006 & it wasn’t long to see the truth of what you’re saying. I was truly blessed to take care of her & it gave me great joy! Bless you! ♥️
I worked at a care facility for a time in an accounting role and I was always unsure how to handle speaking with residents with dementia until I was told this secret. It made my interactions with those residents so much better and no longer awkward. You are helping them feel a part of things still, and comfortable.
This is so important, what Viggo is sharing. My book, Breathe Deeper: Surrender, Hope and Other Strategies on Your Journey Caring for a Loved One With Dementia, covers this in detail. We call it "therapeutic fibbing." Bravo, Viggo.
I couldn't possibly agree more and I would give this video 5,000 thumbs up if I could. I have seen this play out first hand as follows, and this is literally what happened. I will only change the name. 40 years ago, I was in high school. It was a Vocational school where I was majoring in Health Occupations. At the end of graduation, at 17, I would have a Medical as well as Dental Assistant certification and Certified Nurse Aide certification as well. During training in one of the state nursing homes, senior year I did 500 clinical hours. Every morning was spent working there, in full white uniform, then bussed back to the school for lunch, and then all academic classes in the afternoon. I did this schedule for 3 years to get the certs. There was a dementia patient, I'll call Mary, a tiny frail old woman. Every morning she would get herself ready and wait by the door. To anyone who asked, she would reply that she was waiting for her son to pick her up. He was coming today. She was in her 80s or 90s, and no longer remembered that her son had died. My teacher said to us, When you encounter this situation, you have to do what is called reality orientation. You have to bring the person back to reality. And keep them grounded in the present. She then, very matter-of-factly, proceeded to go up to the patient and explained to her what year it was, that her son had died, and would not be coming to get her. The poor old woman crumpled. She wept bitterly, she practically fell. She sobbed and screamed and relived his death all over again. Then my teacher walked back to us, and said something like, "It's unfortunate, but it needs to be done". I made up my mind in that moment that I would never do that. To make this woman relive her son's death every morning as she approaches the door with hope? That's cruel and barbaric. It would be kinder to just shoot her than do that. Take it from someone who has seen this play out in a real clinical setting done by an R.N. with a Master's in Education. It is cruel, and serves no purpose.
My grandfather got upset and called the police every night after selling his car because he thought someone had stolen it. He was no longer safe to drive and had to get rid of it. My poor grandmother had to deal with this for months before he went into hospice care. I completely agree with what Viggo said but I'm not sure how it plays out when the police are constantly being called.
Hmm...maybe buy the car (or a similar one) back, park it normally, but disable it (e.g., battery, starter) so that he can't drive anywhere, and grandmother can say they'll fix it in the morning (if it comes to that).
I had a similar experience with my grandmother. I don't know if she had dementia or just a similar condition, but she would often talk about things that happened decades ago with people who were now dead as if they happened last week. My mother would correct her (I think because her mother was always very insistent on correcting my mother on things when she was younger), but I never did. I just went along with it. Most of these people were family from Scotland that I'd never met and I'd rarely heard the stories either. She always seemed more content with that than a correction, and what the hell do I get out of correcting an old widow remembering better days?
Playing along avoids awkward/upsetting confrontation. Asking them to elaborate more on whatever delusional moment they're in, maybe finding some common ground by which to make it a two-way conversation . . good advice. When you stop and think about it this is also a good way to get along with other people generally, maintaining a balance whereby neither party dictates what's 'real.'
He is absolutely correct. They live in a different reality. You don’t correct them, you either just go along with what they say or redirect them. What they think at that time is real to them at that moment. My dad had Alzheimer’s and I tried to never argue, belittle or make him feel badly. When he couldn’t find the car keys (which were hidden) I simply pretended to look for them then said I would look again later by which time he would have forgotten about them. That way he kept his dignity about no longer being able to drive.
Absolutely. Brilliantly put. Don’t try to “fix them”. Love it. Painful no doubt but a more compassionate approach for both parties. Thank you for this video. 👏❤️🩹
I used to care for the elderly, mainly those struggling with dementia. I was called before our ADON to be reprimanded because I was overheard lying to a resident. One of my ladies was such a dear, gentle soul and she was in a panic because her husband hadn't returned home from work. She kept trying to leave the facility. I put my arm around her and said Papa volunteered to help the pastor at church, he said he would be late. She immediately calmed down and I was able to get her settled into bed. I knew enough that that was something he did for years before he passed away. They told me I was being written up and anytime she asked about her husband I was to remind her that he died. I absolutely refused. I witnessed her being reminded and it was terrible, each time it happened it was as though she was hearing it for the first time. There was no way I was going to put her through it, or allow it to happen around me. Yes I lied, but it seemed the lesser of two evils. Now I'm a widow myself, I understand that pain.
My mom had dementia. Being a nurse, I knew the person who was my mother was gone. She told the most amazing tales, and my kids loved to sit and listen, never questioning the validity. Couldn’t convince my siblings though. Mom would get so angry when they’d tell her she was wrong whenever she’d speak of things that weren’t “real”. You can’t change what fate has bestowed upon the victim. You speak from experience, Viggo. You’re a compassionate gentleman. I hope others will accept your wisdom.
I’m dealing with this now with my grannies. They both have different dimensions to their dementia. One grandma says she sees some kind of insect crawling next to her on the wall. She’s so fixated on them so we just assure her that it won’t come near her and that God will protect her from them. I literally had a moment of pause when she first mentioned it and thought it would be more confusing and concerning to her if I told her there was nothing there. So we wash the walls, make sure her bed sheets aren’t touching the wall and play Quran to distract her. Dementia is more of a lesson for us than them. It’s a test to see who is compassionate, empathetic and respectful for those struggling with their reality. I hope everyone has strength and compassion to move forward with their loved ones.
This makes me so happy. Obviously, I don't have dementia. I'm too young to have Alzheimer's, I'm only in my 30's. But I do suffer from psychosis, and have since I was at least 16. That's half my life already. And I know what it's like to be told that what I'm experiencing isn't real. That my memories are false, or what I'm seeing or hearing this moment isn't real. To feel so completely lost, ripped right out of the universe and put into an unfamiliar one. It's terrifying, and it also affects my sense of self worth. So hearing Viggo Mortensen say this really brought so much peace to my heart.
So glad I found this. My father was recently diagnosed with the early stages of dementia and I've noticed my step mom constantly correcting him and it makes him feel like crap.
The best advice I've ever received when we started down this road 5+ yrs ago is "Live in their world". So whatever my Mom says...I go along with it. To keep her calm, content, feeling safe etc I will say anything to keep her stress level to a minimum. Teepa Snow has a treasure of tips/ideas as Caregivers like me go through this with their loved one. Their moments of lucidness is heartbreaking when they realize something is different and they don't understand why. My thoughts and prayers go to all caregivers on this journey. 2nd best advice is to take care of yourself, the caregiver. Find some "Me Time" to refresh and rejuvenate as no one should bear the responsibility alone.
Viggo Mortensen is so cool all around. My mom had dementia before she passed. Wish I would've heard him talking about this years ago. Time is truly the most precious thing we have. Live it well.
Seeing the wholeness...has been a lifelong career for me seeing the individual in the moment through what is presented, not through the lens of a diagnosis. I love Viggo Mortensen inhabiting this space through his experience in this work of art. I imagine he inhabits this space simply as a human being as well.
We are now in the beginning stages with my mother in law, It is soooo heartbreaking , my grandmother went thru it also , I've learnt a lot over the years after her death and am trying my very best to bring that to the table whilst dealing with mother in law as I see the same things happening . Now I must watch falling and try to get my husband to watch it also . Thank you .
I did rotations in managed care with a fantastic gerontologist who may have been the best clinician with whom I ever worked. Oscar Murillo. I learned a lot there, and I'll say this: You can not tip your hat enough to a truly compassionate, oriented care giver.
I had a dear friend who died while his mother, who had dementia, was in a care facility. I took over visiting his mother regularly. Mostly, it wasn’t difficult to deal with her dementia, but she kept asking me if I’d seen Billy (her son) because she hadn’t seen him and she didn’t understand why. It was so difficult to respond to that.
Obviously i don't know Viggo personally. All i can say is that every word he has ever said in any interview i've seen makes me believe he is a sincerely caring, honest, grounded man. Someone you'd be honored to be friends with. What a fantastic guy.
Also remember this; even though it is an old memory or simply day dream. so to speak, their mind is functioning, It may not be functioning like a so called normal person, but it is sill functioning. What you really want not to happen is that mind just stops functioning altogether. ;-)
,My dad was always speaking in the past tense. In your own mind your thinking I know this story or here we go again. But for me the fact he could tell his old stories of life was a gift and it clearly made my dad happy that I was listening. I lost my dad to COVID and now I'd give anything to hear him laugh, and joke. Treasure their life as seen through their eyes, make it a new memory for you both.
Dementia made my mother increasingly confused and unhappy over several years, and often there were no responses that would calm or reassure her. For example, she would accuse us of repeatedly ignoring her requests and not doing the things she wanted done. The conviction of being sidelined or ignored made her feel very diminished and lonely. But if we showed her that the request had been fulfilled, the work done, etc, she was horrified by the extent of her dementia; if we re-did the work, she would forget within 20 minutes and return to saying her request had been ignored. 'Home' became the house she grew up in, a house she'd not been inside for 70 years, and she repeatedly asked to be taken there or got upset that we had moved the front door, walls, windows, etc. Sometimes she was convinced we'd taken her to a different country. As her choice was either believing the evidence of her senses or believing we were lying, she believed we were lying and couldn't understand why we would do that (she always knew who we were). If she'd been happy with the way she saw the world, it would have been fine, but she wasn't: she was frightened and bewildered. It wasn't until her final few weeks, when she was dying, that she stopped being afraid and said she felt secure and loved.
This is why the best help for dimentia, in particular alzhiemers, is education early on, so that when we get old and experience this - it's engrained strong enoughtin our long term memory, so our loved ones can say "it's ok you just have some memory problems" and that actually makes sense, is believable, and isn't as scary.
I always went along with whatever my dad said. I spent a whole evening with him thinking I was his baby sister and he was still in the army. We had a great conversation and I learned things I didn't know before about him. I also stressed to the staff at the nursing home that as long as he was in a good mood I didn't care where or when he thought he was, we just roll with it.
When my mother was in early stage dementia a neurologist was questioning her and asked her who the president was. She just stared at him. So he asked her again who the president was. She said, “Oh who the hell cares?” We all laughed including my mother and it remains an inside family joke.
That's true : who cares ?
Love that! Over here in Britland at one of my Dad's tests he was asked who the Prime Minister was, the comeback was "I don't really follow politics!" Seems there's always a spark left! you just have to hope you're there when it happens
Your mother is a very smart person. That is the right answer lol
@@nskVideos
Yeah she was a salty old girl. Once when she was in a rehabilitation center a nurse couldn’t get her to wake up in the middle of the night when she wanted to get her vitals and so the nurse had to call EMTs to come in and help her wake her up she didn’t know if she’s dead or alive. The EMTs were calling her name and shaking her feet and one of them lifted her eyelid up and she was looking right at him and she said leave me the hell alone I’m trying to sleep.
@@4estdweller4ever I'd have said the same! Like we all once did and still do..."maybe if I pretend I'm in a deep sleep, they'll leave me alone!" 🤣🔥🔥😉
Yes!!!! Yes a million times over. I cared for my mom with Alzheimer's. I listened to every story she told, stories often fabricated and repeated, as if I were hearing them for the first time and they were absolute truth. I missed those stories when her illness had advanced and she didn't tell them anymore, eventually losing the ability to speak. It made her happy to tell them. What did it cost me to let her think I believed them? We passed a spot almost daily that had a rock which looked as if it were about to fall. She commented each day as if she'd never seen it before. Some days I would say, "Wow, do you see that rock?" as we were about to pass it knowing she would turn to me with an expression of, "Omg right? You see it too?". I learned to live in her world, knowing it was temporary. It was the last gift I could give to the woman who had given me life.
It's called "meeting them where they are."
My mother has worked with people with dementia for several decades, and she witnessed first-hand how care changed from "Re-orient them in reality to fix them" to "meet them where they are." Viggo is right; trying to re-orient them is little better than torture.
When people say Aragorn's noble and selfless nature was just a performance, show them this.
So true
Never heard anyone say that because we all know that Viggo is an absolute legend
He was playing himself. That's a very good point you made. I like it, because the same thing had occurred to me, from the other direction, looking at the roguish Edward Furlong. He really shone as the rough-round-the-edges John Connor and Hawk in 'Detroit Rock City.' That's him, and this is Aragorn. Great casting.
The best actors draw from what they have 🙏🏼
@@paulmuaddib3470 I suppose that goes for *any* field. And it's knowing *how* to draw on it. I'd not had much access to my *sense of humour* till recently ...😯
I came to the same realization...the third time grandpa asked me where grandma was, I felt in this case a lie was appropriate and more kind than the truth that wounded him deeply twice, minutes before, then he'd forget again... I told him grandma and my wife were out shopping, and would be back soon. He was then at peace.
Learning that his wife was dead years before served no purpose, and was unkind. Usually the truth is best, but not always.
As a long time nurse in this particular field: well done, you did the kind thing :)
@@marijnvanlingen8678 , thank you.
A white lie that I expect God would not only forgive, but bless you for👍🏻.
"Usually the truth is best"
I would say in this case there is two truths and we can choose either one, the other person with dementia may not have that choice because they hold on to what they percieve as the truth, for them it's like walking on a trail in the middle of the darkest night and the narrow trail is the only area illuminated ground to walk on, if you force them of that trail you force them to walk blindly were they can't see anything, it would maybe work if you stayed there so they could put all their trust in you to help them, but you leave them there in the dark instead, is that a thing you would do IRL leading people away from qn illuminated trail into the total darkness and leave them there because that makes your own life easier ?
@@anderspersson7084 , unfortunately dementia is more complex than that.
"Serve them, don't serve yourself." So perfect. Early on with my mother, I'd correct her without really thinking about it. Then at one point, I reminded her that her sister had died years ago. But she didn't know and that gave her the pain of loss again. Its a humbling experience, setting aside "reality" to walk in her world.
"... walk in her world." Thank you for that statement, Belinda. That encapsulates in a few short words EXACTLY what our role is for those afflicted with dementia. I will remember this going forward and share those words with others when the need arises. Blessings to you.
When my late mother was going “downhill” with dementia, I found myself saying things like “Mom…I just told you that”! My wife caught me one day, and said “That doesn’t matter…it doesn’t matter how many times you’ve told her. Now, not only have you needlessly pointed out a fault, you’ve hurt her feelings. And while she’ll no doubt forget about it, in that moment, you’ve hurt her feelings”! I never did it again…..and I used that message to my late father who worked hard at being her caretaker. And Viggo, I’ve always thought you one hell of an actor…..now I think of you as one hell of a man.
Your wife sounds like a Helluva lady too
Very well said!
When my great uncle was dying, my mother and I visited him at the hospital. He mentioned that his mother - who had died decades before- had just visited him as well. Both Mom and I said that was lovely and if he saw her again to please give her our love. Afterwards we agreed there was no need to argue or correct him. And anyway, who’s to say he didn’t just see her. Maybe he did.
My grandfather apparently saw his mother on his deathbed (not dementia - lung cancer that had spread to his brain). He said that she was there to collect him. I've heard of other people on their deathbeds say the same thing. Maybe their loved one were collecting them to held them onto the next life? That's what I like to think🙂
@@captainnemo190 you have got to read Final Gifts. It’s by 2 hospice nurses. Many dying people are visited by their dead loved ones! It’s very common. My late brother visited our mom when she was dying - and he brought a friend 😃 That’s so like him. We didn’t “correct” our mother.
A family friend who was 90 said her parents visited her when she was near the end, and her doctor put her on antipsychotics 😡
Final Gifts is a must-read. Fascinating and reassuring in a non religious way. And anyone who loves a dying person HAS to read it.
We had a similar thing with my Grandmother, she was in hospital after a little fall and had injured her wrist, so they put it in a cast. When me and my mother went to visit her she told us that her mother (who died decades ago) had chosen the colour for the cast on her wrist and that she was going to go and live her mum when she left hospital. We told her that her mum had a great taste in colour and how lovely it was that she was going to live with her.
@@dougspidermanhappy Thank you. It sounds like a wonderful read🙂
Precisely. I have always took the same attitude with schizophrenia (not to be confused with MPD/DID, the major differences being external vs. internal voices; other entities vs. other personalities; “them“ “over there” in partial influence over decisions the person makes vs. “them“ inside, in partial direct control of the body itself as a personality of it; and other external voices, entities (they may hear in their head, but it’s something other than an internal personality) always or almost always suggesting harmful ideas and actions vs. internal voices, personalities suggesting a whole range of preferences, many benign or even positive, possibly very helpful and problem-solving, or weak and incapable, a wide range of personalities, as they were created to handle extreme abuse and extreme trauma when a person might otherwise go truly mad and never recover, never be functional, the personalities are there to serve a purpose, even if that purpose is expressing rage, but not just with primarily a harmful intent).
Who’s to say the “schizophrenic” (I hate the label, the connotation it’s come to have, I think they are sane, just traumatized from their real experiences, it’s so arrogant to assume that just because we don’t see something, it isn’t there.
You don’t see broadcast waves of radio or TV shows, or wireless anything, but they are there, and with the right device you can see and hear them.
I figure it’s no different with whatever schizophrenics see and here), who’s to say they don’t see something we don’t? Who’s the say they don’t go in and out of another dimension at times? Who’s to say something from another dimension doesn’t come into this one in a way that only they can perceive?
Ignorance and arrogance are a deadly combination. And every once in a while, it might be we who are the ignorant ones, we who lack the ability to see and hear things rarely seen by others.
(This thought wanders and comes back to the main point at the end entry... Which is they do best when you treat them like they aren’t really there, because the entities are there).
I certainly have seen what most people would consider “paranormal“, things that are absolutely there, because they can, at times, manipulate the physical realm, like pick something up and throw it, including yourself, not just pots and pans, and books, and boxes of food, lighter weight things, they have no limit to strength, a car wouldn’t be outside their capabilities.
You can’t throw yourself around, at least most people can’t. An actor may be able to pretend to, but even an actor can’t levitate himself and THEN be thrown, or leave bruises and cuts or break bones without touching him or herself with anything, with no visible contact. There are plenty of documented cases of that, sometimes in front of a room full of witnesses, even hard-core skeptics...who become former hard-core skeptics.
So, why wouldn’t schizophrenics possibly be able to see and hear any number of things from another dimension, not just broadcast waves, which can be all around us all the time but are not (usually) visible or audible unless we have the proper device?
Nevermind the V2K project, yet another matter altogether that validates them. It’s a whole different rabbit hole.
🌱🍄🌳🌸🌾
Plant matter does the same thing. The things that grow from a seed are nowhere near the sum of the parts. You couldn’t take earth, air, sunlight, and water, and the contents of the seed all ground up (so there are no instructions for another dimension to follow), and ever come up with anything but mud.
Certainly we know that the colors, the flavor, the fragrance, and the texture do not come from some tiny little condensed packet in the seed (Go ahead and try to get any of those characteristics form just the seed itself). Photosynthesis doesn’t remotely begin to explain where those characteristics come from.
Things have to come from somewhere. It’s interesting how people say they can’t “see” the hand of the Creator at work.
Really? I could “see” it even when I was a three-year-old, four-year-old, five-year-old. I could observe, and try to get an adult to explain where those characteristics come from. All I got was the same tiresome explanation of photosynthesis. Yes, we alllll know what triggers the seed to begin to change into something else. Blah, blah.
No amount of slowing down that tiresome explanation is going to ever explain *where *those *characteristics *come *from. They do NOT come from the dirt. They do NOT come from the air. (Although Scientism would have you believe so.). They do NOT come from the sunlight. And they do NOT come from the water.
Scientism would have you believe that those factors are capable of producing color, texture, flavor, fragrance, and the sheer mass and compilation itself, which are not the sum of the parts. They can’t be compiled and made into them. And believing they can would be as ridiculous as taking earth, air, sunlight, and water and saying you can build a car out of it.
You can’t turn those parts into food or flowers or trees anymore than you can turn them into a car. It’s laughable. And yet they will tell you with a very straight face that it is possible, and they will call you the idiot for a questioning them. The truth is they have no idea, or they do have an idea, but suggesting it would completely derail their agenda. People might think. People that think might actually talk. People that think and talk might actually influence other people to think and talk, and then they would break the shackles...
You can taste and smell those things for 1 million years, science can play with the raw ingredients for a trillion years, and neither you or they are ever going to come up with those characteristics that develop in plants.
But Scientism (different than true science, Scientism is the dogmatic belief in anything presented as science, regardless of a complete lack of evidence, or regardless of an entire mountain range of evidence to the contrary of whatever is being presented as “science“.
Actual science is the ability to test, observe, and repeat something, and therefore establish it as a very likely fact.
And there are many things people take as “scientific fact” which have NO ability to test, observe and repeat. IOW, they can not actually be demonstrated or proven.
If people think through some of the things they are so sure about, and they will start to realize there are some very blatant ones staring them in the face that cannot be demonstrated at all, but they are sure they are fact, when in fact, there are other facts that can be demonstrated, but mocked by the people and Scien...tism.
My grandmother had dementia and when I would visit her I never knew what role I would be playing. It might be her mother, sister, daughter...I’d just play along and agree with whatever story she was telling. The reminiscing calmed her and I became an “actor” for the moment.
God Bless You💗
I did this with my beloved stepfather. One time he made up this whole narrative of me being married and running a motorcycle factory. He had wonderful advice about to lean on my father-in-law and make more money. He was cogent, and believed everything he said, so I took it it in the spirit it was intended. Which was kind, caring, and wise, as always.
We all did the same for my Grandmother when she was dying from cancer. She kept thinking people who had died years ago were in the room or that we were people that we weren't. We quickly realized that if you just played along, she wouldn't become distressed nearly as often.
What a sweetheart you are!
@@Mode-Selektor That is typical of dying patients. I don't think it has anything to do with dementia or Alzheimer's. But you probably did the right thing, there's no point in "correcting" their experience as long as it's a good one.
Not sure why this came up in the algorithm for me today, but it's lovely to see Viggo sharing this concept, this idea. When my former grandmother-in-law was experiencing Alzheimer's symptoms, family members would correct her and try to tell her what current reality was...and I remember having a conversation with this dear, lovely woman who had been nothing but kind to me...and I let her tell me whatever HER reality was at the moment. And we chatted calmly and she laughed and it was a wonderful, simple time between the two of us while no one else was paying attention.
An elderly gentleman that I’d see when I was visiting my mom was always worried about “his horses out back”. He would be so worried that they would be fed. As soon as I told him not to worry and that I’d make sure, he seemed so relieved. Sometimes I’d stop on the way out and tell him that he didn’t have to worry. It’s not a lie… he shouldn’t have to worry about the memories of pets that he once loved and held heir memory close to heart.
It took me way too long to learn that lesson.
Correcting someone that is suffering from dementia helps no one…. Not even the one correcting because it causes them to be frustrated that they can’t fix the “brokenness” that the disease causes. You can’t fix it, only try to minimize stress and worry. It feels like resignation to a horrible disease and that it wins if you just go along with it, but in the end it is sage advice you give.
Viggo is such a humble and amazing actor.
Scandinavians are known to be humble and trustworthy. Thats why they rank highest in happiness.
He is a humble man
@@bytossen10 Yes, we are😊
Viggo is also a phenomenal horseman, artist, and photographer. Wonderful human, I am such a fan.
@@kateb5233 He can also speak 5 or so languages fluently. He seems like such a wonderful person. I’ve always been a fan.
This is all true however in my mother's situation she tends to say that my father left her for another woman, when in fact he died while still married to her 7 years ago. Rather than let her be sad because she thinks she was abandoned, we do correct her and let her know he died. It is so strange that it is better to hear a person is dead than that he left you, but it actually does make her feel better.
My family went through a very similar situation when my grandfather was deteriorating. He thought his wife was seeing other men and ignoring his calls and so on, but she was simply in a nursing home while he was in hospital. He was very confused and it was better to reassure him that Joan wasn’t doing any of those things.
One thing I learned was sometimes dementia sufferers do not recognise people they know up close, however if you enter the room and stop at the door, call out to them, say hello, ask how they are. Often they will then recognise you. Something about the distance, gives needed perspective.
It's a thing they talk about in forensic anthropology; people we know, we recognise them as a 'whole' not the different bits of them, like we don't see their nose, their lips, their shoulders, their knees but we can 'see' them in the low light, in the distance, in a faded photop, by the 'whole' picture we have of them
I took care of a friend's mom who had dementia. My young daughter would come with me. Nana would tell the same story dozens of times. We always acted like it was the first time. My daughter did so without me coaching her to. I am so proud of her for that. We adored Nana. She had been a nurse who taught for many years. She had been raised in a family of girls to be a companion for her only brother. This was in the 1930s. Nana climbed trees, learned to box, played baseball and wore overalls most of the time in an era where that was unheard of. She once beat the tar out of a bully who threatened her brother. She helped her father tend their secret vineyard during prohibition. She had many stories. Even when she repeated the same story over and over, it was great to see her so happy to share the memories. As he said, what good would it have done her to be "corrected"? R.I.P. , Nana. You were the best.
Exactly. If the "correction" were capable of removing the dementia, then by all means correct. But it's not.
As Mortensen says, all you're going to do is make the person feel bad. Then they'll forget again.
listening to my grandma and my friend grandpa's story are awesome memories... i remember their stories well and pass them on. you get alot of information from someone that lived so long even if its a bit jumbled from time to time.
Your daughter sounds like such a thoughtful girl 💛
Thx for planting those lovely images in my head. If Uhave the chance, I'd love to learn how a hidden orchard works. Ty.
My Grandad had dementia the last few years of his life and he spent his last few days in hospital as his health deteriorated from sepsis and other health issues. His speech went after the 1st day or two, he slept most of the time and when he was conscious he could only manage one eye open. His sister flew over from Australia when she learned he was dying and he held onto life long enough for her to arrive and say her last goodbye to him. When she arrived, he still recognised her because he used what little strength he had to open both his eyes to look at her, and smiling weakly he held her hand. He passed away a couple of hours later. I look forward to seeing him again in the Great Resurrection.
Exactly what he is saying here, another way to look at it is, you have the very rare opportunity to hear certain details and to see a part of them that may have been forgotten before memory loss. You have a case where you can talk to them as if they were younger. The mindset they had. Their views on life then, that current times history, family life, their love, etc. and that opens so many opportunities to be able to have very interesting conversations not many people get to have in their lifetime.
My Papa had dementia, and I took care of him during his end of life. One day I told my sister I had the best conversation with Papa and I had no clue what we were talking about. Memories of him make smile.
Bless you.
My beloved stepfather passed in March. It took painful time, but I've realized that his spirit is alive and strong in me. When you are touched by love like that, it *never* leaves you.
@@marcmarparran7753
Truly... The only thing that is frustrating is that you cannot get any more of that love, of that person... Every good memory you have is always bittersweet (at least that's how it is for me)...
But I think that that is meaningful too. It shows the impact that person has had on your life!
@@janold0808 As I told my stepfather, he was better than the real thing, in my case.
His final illness lasted six months. He didn't have dementia, but high calcium levels caused him major confusion. The effect was pretty similar, I reckon.
I feel something both strange and wonderful. I sort of feel like I've *absorbed his personality.* I don't *think* I'm crazy, but I knew him so well, I sometimes *act* more like him than myself, as I was before. He was more outgoing than me, laughed and enjoyed his life. Now I do it *for* him, and it brings me joy. He is still enjoying life with me, when I do.
If you reversed that into something bad, you could make a good horror story. But he was such a wonderful man whom people adored. He singlehandedly saved me from me what would have been a *really* wretched life.
@@marcmarparran7753
Coming to terms with loss is a very unique process for everyone so I also don't think you are crazy.
It's great that you can get so much strength out of your memory of him and the impact he has had on you! Hold onto that!
My mother had dementia for years before her death. The sadness of the disease was hard for our whole family. I will, though remember with great pride the patience my father had for her. He never lost his patience even with the repeated questions and sometimes not being recognized by his wife of 67 years. He was an inspiration. It truly is the worst disease of all.
What he said is absolutely right, my Mother suffered from dementia for about 11 years before she went to heaven. And those the early years were hard because she knew something was wrong and there were stages of anger. But in the last few years of her life she became so sweet and was loved by everyone around her. I miss her so much
When my dad thought I was mom (who had passed) I never corrected him...I just let it slide...he didn't always do it, but it didn't hurt anything when he did, and it made him happy. My mom was in full dementia when she passed, and I never asked her if she knew who I was. I could see the confusion on her face which I'm assuming was due to the fact that I look so much like she did at that age. She was too polite to tell me she didn't know, and she didn't question me calling her "mom". When she passed she knew who I was and waited for me to give her permission to go, with a promise that I'd take care of dad. Which I did.
This brought tears to my eyes. What a loving daughter you have been to your parents, and how painful it must have been at times… Be blessed!
Isn't that amazing, that people with dementia or Alzheimer's get a brief period of lucidity before they go? Almost seems designed, a way to give their family peace at the end. And in my grandpa's case, give them a last opportunity to give and receive forgiveness.
1:51
That part blew my mind... Viggo is such an empathetic, intelligent person it is truly incredible.
"How is your subjective reality any more real that theirs"
... Wow...
but we don't say that "memory is subjective anyway" so the premise is somewhat shakey to be making conclusions from. Wow indeed
@@dab88 I mean unless you have found a way to extract memory from a brain, I'd argue it is subjective.
But I am open to have my mind changed.
Maybe though, your definition of memory differs from the one Viggo has.
To steel-man his perspective, I'd say that he means our view of the past when he talks about memory.
I'm gay and this is deep.
Because they don’t function anymore in real life. They need other people to take care of them, otherwise they die.
@@dab88 it can be if you want to be technical. people often remember or retain details of events they want to focus on, and everybody's perception of an experience can be different, plus our memories are always changing bc our brain can alter details of it over time
I'm going through the beginnings of this dynamic right now with my 92 year old mother. I'm twice frustrated-- by losing the person that was, for sure, but more from hearing myself trying to fix what isn't actually broken but is just new and out of my control. Thank you, Viggo Mortensen.
You're a good, good man for even trying, so hold on to that. Just meet her where she is. She will love you so much for it.
It's selfless and thankless work, and doesn't get any easier. First there's this part, where we bang our head against the wall trying to get through to the other person; then they start to understand, deep down, that something is wrong, and invariably they lash out at the caretakers closest to them; then we experience profound guilt for being tired and hoping that it will be over soon (in truth, this too comes from a place of compassion, we just want the suffering to end; but in the moment the guilt manifests as us hoping we'll be let off the hook).
Sending all my love. Make sure you take care of your own well being too, however that looks. You don’t love them any more or better from getting burned out. ❤️
And I hope you have someone to talk to, to unload all the messy conflicting thoughts and emotions. You gotta vent that stuff. Good luck with everything Andrew.
Please look up how you can use coconut oil to help in patients with Alzheimer’s. I 1st heard about it from a neuroscientist who specializes in Alzheimer’s patients, and she swore by it with her mom. She would talk of a marked difference within minutes of giving her a little spoonful. I can attest to insane medicinal qualities to it- for one if you want to lose weight/retain muscle, jumpstart your metabolism or just generally- a little spoonful morning midday & night will do just that. Farmers discovered you will get lean livestock, not fatten them up if you give them coconut oil. It helps with lowering blood sugar overall, but if you cook with it it will reduce the blood sugar spike from whatever you’re eating. So it’s helpful for diabetics but also healthy people. It helps with temperature regulation. Most my life I had poor circulation, freezing hands & feet & I could be under 100 blankets. Few weeks of taking coconut oil I’ve never had that issue again. Many many uses but I hope you’ll look up the medical articles regarding Alzheimer’s. Especially since you’re in the early stages, I hope you know how much diet can affect - help or hurt. I’m also going to suggest u look up tropical traditions website. Their gold label coconut oil has more of the good stuff in it. Personally I think MCT oil (derived from coconut oil) has less benefits, I’ve used both. And no I’m not a shill for the company. I could make an affiliate link if I wanted to get something back from the suggestion. I haven’t even bought from them in years, still going thru a 5gallon bucket I purchased on sale. I’m just passionate about things that work, & had enough of my own health issues where doctors didn’t help, but some person’s heartfelt recommendation led me down roads that changed my life. That company also has a business model for higher quality product while helping family farmers so I tell everyone lol. Take care & good luck all.
I never found these situations challenging. It was the ones where my gram was frantically looking for my grandpa because the were late for a wedding that happened in 1930 or when she couldn't find her savings book from her bank 50 years prior. And she's in extreme terror because she was convinced we were robbing her. A loved one with dementia is devastating for all.
I learned that the hard way myself. Seeing the devastation on my grandmother's face was enough to teach me to rethink how i handle these situations. It was easier to give a white lie. She ended up telling some really interesting stories as a result of some of them. It was always nice to see her doing what she really enjoyed - telling tales - and even though she wasn't in the moment with me, i was in the moment with her, and that still gave me something special.
In fact, you added to her pleasure as a story teller by letting it flow...that's a good thing. My mother in law is in mid stage and she's a story teller from the past. I encourage these journeys...they don't have to be accurate.🙏⚘
Blessings to you Sam
So grateful that I had four more years with my mother after I realized my "reorienting" her was actually "disorienting" her and creating anxiety and agitation. Ten minutes later, all was forgotten and forgiven. Three years this week that she'll be gone-still working on forgiving myself.
@@lnl3237 oh honey. What would your mother want now? Would she want you to forgive yourself?
@@dougspidermanhappy Bless you, kind stranger. Mom surely would. Perhaps this will be my Christmas gift to myself this year.
Thank you again for taking the time to read my comment and for responding.
I watched my pops decline through the years. He loved baseball. I watched a whole game with him until he realized I was his son and was really confused. I love you, Dad!
This really depends on the person and the situation.
I was in the car with my grandfather, early stage, and he started talking to me as if I was his brother. I listened and agreed, asked a few things, then he came out of it. He realized what had happened anf told me to pull the car over. I did, and he proceeded to yell at me, cry, and finally ask me to never do that again. He told me that if he ever did something like that around me to speak up. He was tired of the pity and of everyone acting like it was normal. For him, that was worse than having someone tell him that he wasn't talking to his brother or his mother.
I know not everyone will be like this. Maybe my grandfather was an outlier, an odd case. However, people are different and different approaches are needed. Do what works best for them, but don't assume that it's as simple as it seems.
That stage must be really difficult for someone, to slip into that, then realise your mistake, be embarrassed. Awful. I think when people get to the stage of not realising, if no one says anything, then it’s better to go along with it. But you are right, and it’s difficult. You have to know the person you are dealing with.
@@Solitude11-11 So true
Still early enough to realize and have fear about it. Maybe gentle corrections like “___ sounds like a great person”, “sounds like you had a nice time with ___”. If they catch on it’s enough to bring them back for a time and you’re not playing into the throwback (since he doesn’t want you too, for now), but still being kind. Eventually though, things may change and adaptability is key.
My Mom is at this stage. But it was causing her to distance herself. Not on my watch❣️ I reminded her that she didn't do anything wrong so she had no reason to be embarrassed. "Pride comes b4 a fall". Her great granddaughters are all so young that it makes no difference to them. Once I got her to understand my promise I had made to my Dad to watch over her, she has seemed much more relaxed. I really need to see this movie!!✌️❤️
Thank you, this is how I feel (I made a comment above)...and it's all very well saying that "you" say that to make "YOU" feel better to try and keep the person that you knew with you...but seriously....who's looking after the people looking after the ones with dementia? it's a terrible cycle all round....sometimes I envy pets (if you know what I mean)
Thank you soo much for the clarification, Aragorn! Sometimes my family wants me to “lie” to my grandmother, my Nana, and I just don’t like lying. I’m an honest person naturally. How you broke it down, I now realize we’re not necessarily lying to them, but I guess I think of it now like we’re reliving their memories with them. And Now I know, breaking them out of that is really disturbing for them. We’ll probably never really know how to handle dementia, but the best we can do is just help them, not hurt them.
That's a great way to think about it
They are called “therapeutic lies”. Intended to comfort not to deceive. My aunt has lost more and more of her most recent memories. Her current reality is her childhood sad but it is her reality
I love this. I worked with alzheimers patients for years.
It is all about quality of life. Pockets of joy. Moments of caring & loving.
It does not matter if the facts are right .
That’s the way we were with Dad. My mum got cranky - almost fifty four years married - but my sister who cared for them in their last year together just went with the flow! Sounds like she had the right idea.
My 50 year old husband had a huge brain tumor that affected the frontal & temporal lobes. It showed itself out of nowhere & changed my husbands memory/personality overnight. He went from an engineer to an old man or little boy at times. My kids and I decided it was dads world and to agree with him on anything he said. It was a long 14 months but we gave him the dignity he deserved without arguing about unimportant facts. It was more important to love him than to correct him. I have no regrets.
Great actor and wonderful human being!! Love!
I absolutelly agree 😉 👌
My was diagnosed with Alzheimers a year ago and is still very lucid. But this information is really something I'll have to save. From the king himself no less! Thanks Elessar~
As you are in the early stages of caregiving, a little advice from a former caregiver....Get a journal and write in it every day. If is was a good day or rough day. Behavior that day. How the person in feeling. Are they in pain. Something funny that happened or was said. Keep track of appointments. Be their advocate with the various doctors that may become involved in their care. Take pictures!!!! Candid, happy, sad, posed if they are willing. Look into Power of Attorney, DNR and advanced directives. Educate yourselves on the various types of dementia. Look in to home health or memory care even if you don't think they will be placed. You don't know where this road is heading. Don't compare your loved one to any other, each case is different. Since your person is very lucid at this point, ask them questions and record their answers. These things can be very helpful along this journey. The journals will be a comfort after.
This was my grandma's reasoning when she decided we shouldn't tell granddad that their daughter had just died of cancer. Granddad didn't need to go through that kind of grief in his final days, especially if he was just going to forget it, *especially if he might remember it later and be forced to re-live it.* Granddad joined Aunt Deidra shortly after. RIP
My mom has Alzheimer's. I'm her full time caretaker. She's 83, and I'm 58. I really really appreciate this video/movie. God bless all of you, and your family.
This is the brilliant insight that so few people understand when dealing with those who have dementia. For me it came after my mother went into the nursing home and started telling me about talks she was having with her Uncle Albert who had died some decades ago. I realized that I had to go to where she was in her mind and not try to bring her back to my reality. When you know someone really well like I did my mother, it wasn't hard to get her references and pick up on where the conversation needed to go for her. Doing this calmed her and let me know that I was connecting with her in a way that was as real to her as it could be in that stage of her life. This is what I would want my daughter to do for me.
I once was invited to lunch by friends whose mother was in the early stages of dementia. I had met her several years ago at a Thanksgiving. At the lunch she looked at me and said “I don’t remember your name”. I laughed and said “don’t worry about it, I forget names all the time” and then reintroduced myself to her. We stayed in the present the whole time unlike her daughter-in-law who kept trying to get her ti remember her grandchildren.
My grandma who had dimentia sortof knew that she would forget conversations or where she was or what she was doing, but she was raised to be so polite and listen to others that she never mentioned anything, just laughed along! But I always knew because of this she was being genuine. She complimented the same purse I had for years, asking if it was new every time. I'd just say yes and thank you, and it was lovely knowing it was from the heart every time! She'd also laugh at little mistakes she made. It was down to her being such a trusting and loving person with a good sense of humor that she knew we would take care of her even if she didn't know what was going on. Sometimes when she was too frail to bathe or dress herself for bed and my mom would go to help her, they would get the giggles about something and laugh and laugh long after they both forgot what they were laughing about!
We're also a very science minded family and don't shy away from talking about health and medicine and aging, so awareness of what dimentia and alzhiemersis was while it still could be stored in her long-term memory helped a lot.
YES. Thank you so much. It is so true. My mum has late dementia, I internally said goodbye a long time ago. Now, I have no one to talk to about the books we both liked. She's getting worse all the time. Doesn't know where she is, can't remember words. So I just waffle on, on the phone. Can't even go and see her due to covid. I'm loosing one of my best friends.
I am sorry. That is so painful. I hope you can visit her soon.
jo terporten I hope you have been able to see and hug your Mom by now..
Go see her. Covid be damned, go see her. Do not let ridiculous notions about a virus stop you from being with a loved one. It's insane.
You should see your mum. There are parts of her mind that will never lose that yearning for familiar stimulus. The sound of your voice or a tune they love, your smile, a hug or a hand in theirs with you talking. It would be comforting to her even if she's forgotten how to express that.
Your best friend is still inside you, and your memories. What you are doing for your Mum is a gift to that woman you remember, enjoyed by the woman you see now. Your gift comes when she smiles.
yes, I told my mom that her sister died years ago...she was shocked... I never brought her into the present time again and all was loving and well when I learned to stay in the present.
Absolutely yes. This is the compassionate and loving way to relate to someone with dementia. I learned to join my mother’s reality, rather than insisting on my version.
I feel horribly about how poorly I cared for my grandmother dealing with dementia. Thank you for this insight. I am sorry for having so little patience and I love and miss you grandma. Forgive me Lord
This is actually good advice. The only time to correct them is if they’re bordering on hurting themselves with a bad decision.
I worked in an elderly home and Viggo is absolutely right. You can't fix them, you only can help them by talking to them and make it seem that their reality is true. If you want to decrease the chances of getting dementia, eat healthy, do sports and especially keep your brain fit.
"Your accepting people just as they are..." The funny thing is that maybe we could treat everyone with this respect, because everything he says is relatable to everyone we know instead of only people with dementia. It's simply called acceptance.
Best insight on the entire topic.
When my grandfather was deep into his dementia and I visited him when home from far away, he spoke of France, streetlights, etc. Things I had never heard him know or speak about prior. I doubt he knew who I was but I sat enraptured by his story nevertheless. That was one of my last memories with him and I am grateful I went with-him instead of correcting him as to where he was.
It's so true. We do things most times for ourselves. Even our grief in loss is for ourselves.
We want our loved one and our experiences with them to be familiar, or the same.
In the meantime EVERYTHING is Impermanent.
~Peace~ 🌿🕊💕🌎
I have 10 years of personal experience with this. He’s on point!!! 1000% 🙏
it's hard to see actors as authentic people but he obviously is able to imagine and realize true human compassion, there's much wisdom in how he frames authentic relationships.
I had no idea this was a film! He’s so right & I’ve witnessed people dying say family members are coming to visit them, the closer they are to passing. How do WE know if the spirit’s of their loved ones are not doing so? None of us is an authority on such things! So he’s right! Their Consciousness is no less valid! Wonderfully wise! I’ll look for this film! Thank you!
My uncle had dementia. Once he was speaking of my aunt who had died a few years before. His son was frustrated and exclaimed 'Mom died a long time ago!' . My uncle's face dropped and he began crying that why didn't anyone tell him. So it really makes the person grieve again and again.
Viggos understanding of dementia and how to interact with those that suffer from it are so accurate. The best moments with my mom during those last years were when I joined her in her memories instead of me pulling her into my present. I miss her every day.❤
Dementia runs in my family. I realised pretty quickly with my grandfather that the best thing is to just play along. Truth means something different at that point and all that matters is happiness and comfort. I just hope people play along with me when I get it.
BEAUTIFULLY stated. NO need to correct them; just 💘love them for the time you have. When they are no longer present in your world...jump in there's via music, laughter, not correcting, learning to let things go/ which battles to fight). GIVE them peace, love, and care for your days are numbered. RIP Sweet Mama.
What Viggo says is absolute truth, I was a nurse and worked with the elderly for over 30 years. The goal is their happiness, not yours.
AMEN!!!! its NOT ABOUT US...
Its about LOVING OTHERS!!!!!!
Many of the words here from peoples own life experiences have helped to open my eyes even wider about maintaining the dignity, respect, and contentedness of our loved ones going through this, instead of "helpfully correcting" them.. Much love to each and every one of you going through this with someone you love.
That moment when King Elessar calls you out…🥺
I always want to improve myself, so I usually show affection by trying to help people improve themselves. Which is great when you are tutoring, or helping your friend start a business, or helping your girlfriend through trauma…but that’s not the only way of loving someone that exists. My mom is showing signs of the same non-Alzheimer’s dementia that her mother and sister had. I’ve been angry that she won’t admit something is wrong, but watching this made me realize that is selfish. If she were to move into a ward, she wouldn’t be living with her husband anymore. She would be safer, but that’s not the same thing as happier. I need to enjoy the time I have with her, not spend it worrying. I need to say goodbye now, so that I’m ready for anything. I would not have thought of that myself. And I’d be lying if I said this advice wasn’t a LOT easier to swallow because of who it came from and how he presented it.
Recognizing a mistake, and being willing to correct it with humility, is a wonderful thing (though harder when the source of the correction isn't as pleasant as Aragorn). Your mother is blessed to have you!
I am a nurse.
I had a woman who thought she was in a department store rather that a cancer ward.
My training taught me to “orientate” her…. I DIDN’T ….
I have many stories like this. I would never make someone unhappy.
My mother-in-law never knew her husband was dead for two years..we always said he was having lunch….then she passed.
Orientation of patients is not always the right thing.
Love you Viggo ! 👍👍. 🍺😁
I can confirm everything that he's saying, twelve years of looking after my mother taught me more about what makes us human and how to truly care for each other.
Thank you. I have a family member who I’ll call A with moderate to severe Alzheimer’s whose spouse, B, constantly corrects A. It feels like punishment when I hear it and it doesn’t serve any good purpose for A. If I’m talking with A and they move around in time or “reality”, I just follow. It doesn’t cost me anything and seems harmless to A. So thank you for affirming my feelings on the matter and for being an empathetic soul.
You’re so right. Spot on! To them, it’s their first time asking the question every time & correcting them benefits no one! Just better to have some compassion & grow some patience, putting yourself in their shoes...thinking on how you’d like to be treated if it had happened to you. This happened to my mom in 2005/2006 & it wasn’t long to see the truth of what you’re saying. I was truly blessed to take care of her & it gave me great joy! Bless you! ♥️
I worked at a care facility for a time in an accounting role and I was always unsure how to handle speaking with residents with dementia until I was told this secret. It made my interactions with those residents so much better and no longer awkward. You are helping them feel a part of things still, and comfortable.
This is so important, what Viggo is sharing. My book, Breathe Deeper: Surrender, Hope and Other Strategies on Your Journey Caring for a Loved One With Dementia, covers this in detail. We call it "therapeutic fibbing." Bravo, Viggo.
This sort of approach definitely did work with my late Mom, near the end of her life. Very true, and very compassionate advice.
I couldn't possibly agree more and I would give this video 5,000 thumbs up if I could. I have seen this play out first hand as follows, and this is literally what happened. I will only change the name.
40 years ago, I was in high school. It was a Vocational school where I was majoring in Health Occupations. At the end of graduation, at 17, I would have a Medical as well as Dental Assistant certification and Certified Nurse Aide certification as well. During training in one of the state nursing homes, senior year I did 500 clinical hours. Every morning was spent working there, in full white uniform, then bussed back to the school for lunch, and then all academic classes in the afternoon. I did this schedule for 3 years to get the certs.
There was a dementia patient, I'll call Mary, a tiny frail old woman. Every morning she would get herself ready and wait by the door. To anyone who asked, she would reply that she was waiting for her son to pick her up. He was coming today. She was in her 80s or 90s, and no longer remembered that her son had died. My teacher said to us, When you encounter this situation, you have to do what is called reality orientation. You have to bring the person back to reality. And keep them grounded in the present. She then, very matter-of-factly, proceeded to go up to the patient and explained to her what year it was, that her son had died, and would not be coming to get her. The poor old woman crumpled. She wept bitterly, she practically fell. She sobbed and screamed and relived his death all over again. Then my teacher walked back to us, and said something like, "It's unfortunate, but it needs to be done". I made up my mind in that moment that I would never do that. To make this woman relive her son's death every morning as she approaches the door with hope? That's cruel and barbaric. It would be kinder to just shoot her than do that.
Take it from someone who has seen this play out in a real clinical setting done by an R.N. with a Master's in Education. It is cruel, and serves no purpose.
Being willing to share another person's or creature's perceptions of their world is the cornerstone of empathy and love.
Viggo is an amazing human being!!!
He is so careful not to hurt others feelings.
He IS Aragorn indeed.
Greetings from Brasil
My grandfather got upset and called the police every night after selling his car because he thought someone had stolen it. He was no longer safe to drive and had to get rid of it. My poor grandmother had to deal with this for months before he went into hospice care. I completely agree with what Viggo said but I'm not sure how it plays out when the police are constantly being called.
Hmm...maybe buy the car (or a similar one) back, park it normally, but disable it (e.g., battery, starter) so that he can't drive anywhere, and grandmother can say they'll fix it in the morning (if it comes to that).
Telling him the truth in that situation is safer for him. Sometimes the truth isn't safer, sometimes it is. It's case by case.
I had a similar experience with my grandmother. I don't know if she had dementia or just a similar condition, but she would often talk about things that happened decades ago with people who were now dead as if they happened last week. My mother would correct her (I think because her mother was always very insistent on correcting my mother on things when she was younger), but I never did. I just went along with it. Most of these people were family from Scotland that I'd never met and I'd rarely heard the stories either. She always seemed more content with that than a correction, and what the hell do I get out of correcting an old widow remembering better days?
Playing along avoids awkward/upsetting confrontation. Asking them to elaborate more on whatever delusional moment they're in, maybe finding some common ground by which to make it a two-way conversation . . good advice. When you stop and think about it this is also a good way to get along with other people generally, maintaining a balance whereby neither party dictates what's 'real.'
He is absolutely correct. They live in a different reality. You don’t correct them, you either just go along with what they say or redirect them. What they think at that time is real to them at that moment. My dad had Alzheimer’s and I tried to never argue, belittle or make him feel badly. When he couldn’t find the car keys (which were hidden) I simply pretended to look for them then said I would look again later by which time he would have forgotten about them. That way he kept his dignity about no longer being able to drive.
Viggo es super sensible. No mucha gente asi: sensible y en accion.
Absolutely. Brilliantly put. Don’t try to “fix them”. Love it. Painful no doubt but a more compassionate approach for both parties. Thank you for this video. 👏❤️🩹
I used to care for the elderly, mainly those struggling with dementia. I was called before our ADON to be reprimanded because I was overheard lying to a resident. One of my ladies was such a dear, gentle soul and she was in a panic because her husband hadn't returned home from work. She kept trying to leave the facility. I put my arm around her and said Papa volunteered to help the pastor at church, he said he would be late. She immediately calmed down and I was able to get her settled into bed. I knew enough that that was something he did for years before he passed away.
They told me I was being written up and anytime she asked about her husband I was to remind her that he died. I absolutely refused. I witnessed her being reminded and it was terrible, each time it happened it was as though she was hearing it for the first time. There was no way I was going to put her through it, or allow it to happen around me. Yes I lied, but it seemed the lesser of two evils. Now I'm a widow myself, I understand that pain.
My mom had dementia. Being a nurse, I knew the person who was my mother was gone. She told the most amazing tales, and my kids loved to sit and listen, never questioning the validity. Couldn’t convince my siblings though. Mom would get so angry when they’d tell her she was wrong whenever she’d speak of things that weren’t “real”. You can’t change what fate has bestowed upon the victim. You speak from experience, Viggo. You’re a compassionate gentleman. I hope others will accept your wisdom.
I’m dealing with this now with my grannies. They both have different dimensions to their dementia. One grandma says she sees some kind of insect crawling next to her on the wall. She’s so fixated on them so we just assure her that it won’t come near her and that God will protect her from them. I literally had a moment of pause when she first mentioned it and thought it would be more confusing and concerning to her if I told her there was nothing there. So we wash the walls, make sure her bed sheets aren’t touching the wall and play Quran to distract her. Dementia is more of a lesson for us than them. It’s a test to see who is compassionate, empathetic and respectful for those struggling with their reality. I hope everyone has strength and compassion to move forward with their loved ones.
I wanted to write "Viggo, my hero", but he is a person, who doesn`t want to be called a hero, yet he is....
that's so aragorn of him
@@HarekaTysiri LOL... *YES*
This comment should have more likes!
He was the best actor for Aragorn...
This makes me so happy.
Obviously, I don't have dementia. I'm too young to have Alzheimer's, I'm only in my 30's. But I do suffer from psychosis, and have since I was at least 16. That's half my life already. And I know what it's like to be told that what I'm experiencing isn't real. That my memories are false, or what I'm seeing or hearing this moment isn't real. To feel so completely lost, ripped right out of the universe and put into an unfamiliar one. It's terrifying, and it also affects my sense of self worth. So hearing Viggo Mortensen say this really brought so much peace to my heart.
So glad I found this. My father was recently diagnosed with the early stages of dementia and I've noticed my step mom constantly correcting him and it makes him feel like crap.
Great perspective, Viggo.
The best advice I've ever received when we started down this road 5+ yrs ago is "Live in their world". So whatever my Mom says...I go along with it. To keep her calm, content, feeling safe etc I will say anything to keep her stress level to a minimum. Teepa Snow has a treasure of tips/ideas as Caregivers like me go through this with their loved one. Their moments of lucidness is heartbreaking when they realize something is different and they don't understand why. My thoughts and prayers go to all caregivers on this journey. 2nd best advice is to take care of yourself, the caregiver. Find some "Me Time" to refresh and rejuvenate as no one should bear the responsibility alone.
Wise words, Viggo. Nothing teaches a person to live selflessly and in the present than loving and caring for someone with dementia.
Viggo Mortensen is so cool all around. My mom had dementia before she passed. Wish I would've heard him talking about this years ago. Time is truly the most precious thing we have. Live it well.
Seeing the wholeness...has been a lifelong career for me seeing the individual in the moment through what is presented, not through the lens of a diagnosis. I love Viggo Mortensen inhabiting this space through his experience in this work of art. I imagine he inhabits this space simply as a human being as well.
Solid human being. Really enjoy his humanity + movies, of course. Big fan. 👍😎🙏🏻💕
Yes, I agee he's a decent human being, but as such he shoul refuse acting in movis full of violence. Thesectwo does not feet together, sorry.
We are now in the beginning stages with my mother in law,
It is soooo heartbreaking , my grandmother went thru it also , I've
learnt a lot over the years after her death and am trying my very best to bring
that to the table whilst dealing with mother in law as I see the same things happening .
Now I must watch falling and try to get my husband to watch it also . Thank you .
I did rotations in managed care with a fantastic gerontologist who may have been the best clinician with whom I ever worked. Oscar Murillo. I learned a lot there, and I'll say this:
You can not tip your hat enough to a truly compassionate, oriented care giver.
So true. Beautifully said. Vigo is a beautiful, kind, sweet and empathic human being😌✨
this is so beautiful it made me cry. big heart and so much wisdom and compassion
The King the world needs not just Gondor
I had a dear friend who died while his mother, who had dementia, was in a care facility. I took over visiting his mother regularly. Mostly, it wasn’t difficult to deal with her dementia, but she kept asking me if I’d seen Billy (her son) because she hadn’t seen him and she didn’t understand why. It was so difficult to respond to that.
Obviously i don't know Viggo personally. All i can say is that every word he has ever said in any interview i've seen makes me believe he is a sincerely caring, honest, grounded man. Someone you'd be honored to be friends with. What a fantastic guy.
Viggo is a pure soul with love and kindness in his heart
Also remember this; even though it is an old memory or simply day dream. so to speak, their mind is functioning, It may not be functioning like a so called normal person, but it is sill functioning.
What you really want not to happen is that mind just stops functioning altogether. ;-)
,My dad was always speaking in the past tense. In your own mind your thinking I know this story or here we go again. But for me the fact he could tell his old stories of life was a gift and it clearly made my dad happy that I was listening. I lost my dad to COVID and now I'd give anything to hear him laugh, and joke. Treasure their life as seen through their eyes, make it a new memory for you both.
Dementia made my mother increasingly confused and unhappy over several years, and often there were no responses that would calm or reassure her. For example, she would accuse us of repeatedly ignoring her requests and not doing the things she wanted done. The conviction of being sidelined or ignored made her feel very diminished and lonely. But if we showed her that the request had been fulfilled, the work done, etc, she was horrified by the extent of her dementia; if we re-did the work, she would forget within 20 minutes and return to saying her request had been ignored. 'Home' became the house she grew up in, a house she'd not been inside for 70 years, and she repeatedly asked to be taken there or got upset that we had moved the front door, walls, windows, etc. Sometimes she was convinced we'd taken her to a different country. As her choice was either believing the evidence of her senses or believing we were lying, she believed we were lying and couldn't understand why we would do that (she always knew who we were). If she'd been happy with the way she saw the world, it would have been fine, but she wasn't: she was frightened and bewildered. It wasn't until her final few weeks, when she was dying, that she stopped being afraid and said she felt secure and loved.
This is why the best help for dimentia, in particular alzhiemers, is education early on, so that when we get old and experience this - it's engrained strong enoughtin our long term memory, so our loved ones can say "it's ok you just have some memory problems" and that actually makes sense, is believable, and isn't as scary.
FALLING - loved the message! Thank you for capturing such moments, as hard as they are at times with a loved one in late life..
I don’t know why the algorithm gave me this, but I needed it.
I always went along with whatever my dad said. I spent a whole evening with him thinking I was his baby sister and he was still in the army. We had a great conversation and I learned things I didn't know before about him.
I also stressed to the staff at the nursing home that as long as he was in a good mood I didn't care where or when he thought he was, we just roll with it.
Intelligent and kind.
Viggo my favorite actor 🙌🏼