Are You Overcompensating? - How to let go of dysfunctional relationships
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- čas přidán 11. 06. 2024
- Have you ever asked yourself, "Why are my relationships failing?" Maybe you need to know how to let go of dysfunctional relationships. If you're anything like me, you can relate to putting a lot of work into relationships, but it doesn't always pay off. Often, when I give too much work in a relationship, everything goes well until I need something in return. This happens because of overcompensation. We tend to try too hard to overcompensate in a bad relationship. What's wrong with trying? While trying is good, overdoing it isn't. In this video, I'll share how to recognize overcompensating behaviour and three ways to overcome it to maintain good relationships.
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🎞️Timestamps:
0:00 Introduction
0:53 Overcompensation in Relationships
2:34 Trying Too Hard
4:05 Trying is good
4:25 Paying Too Much
7:28 Bad Investment
12:03 Sunk Cost Fallacy
12:41 How do we recognize our own overcompensating behaviour
15:12 Making accommodations is a form of autistic masking
16:06 What can we do instead?
19:02 Book Update
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#autism #asd #autismawareness
The more I watch these videos the more I think I’m on the spectrum and now things are making sense.
Same here!
Welcome to the club 😊
Yeah I'm in the club too, yay
Feeling you 100%.
Welcome 🙂
You virtually encapsulated my adulthood from 18 to 35.
If only I had seen this video 60 years ago, life would have been so much easier, so much happier than than all the loss, pain, misery - and now total solitude. Thanks for the guidance that doesn't seem to be available anywhere else. I look forward to the book.
Yes🎉
I often overcompensate for relationships/friendships which are not worth it. People do not appreciate the effort I go to, to make a genuine friendship. I am often invisible, or simply taken for granted.
But then, I wonder if that's a "genuine" relationship.. Genuine relationships don't require that only one person does all the work.. I like what Paul had to say.. I hope he does make that second video with perhaps more suggestions or examples of how to get out of that cycle if trying too hard..
Many people are asleep, unfortunately! It’s not a reflection of you, but of them.
If you're going in giving too easy to people that don't put any effort, you attract people that use take. hold back be overly generous people respect those that respect themselves when your giving at your expense sacrificing to someone that don't deserve people will take you for granted and take advantage.
Things are appreciated more when not expected if your seen as a pushover if you just give freely to everyone even those that did not earn people won't see value in your time effort. You need to say no sometimes value your time. give space to allow them to come to you
@@stonedsoup3535 If you feel you will be easy invisible to someone if you're not doing for them red flag right there. People that genuinely like being around you will put in same energy effort will show up for you even if it's not about them. Show interest
Yes🎉🎉🎉
Going through a rough breakup after being dumped by my neurotypical ex and honestly this has been so helpful. The part where you talked about the relationship falling apart as soon as you weren't able to hold it up resonates with me so much - I put in so much effort, and it wasn't matched, and when I couldn't any longer it collapsed. Thanks again for your content, it is so important
😢
I would like to chime in with. Trying too hard can make others who might already like you want to have their own space.
Yes!!!!
Yes! I experience this. I try too hard. I’m now burnt out and have been isolating from everyone for a month and a half so far. Completely shattered
This is so familiar and exactly what I do in every relationship. It's so draining. And confusing. You can think youre doing the right things but then all of a sudden everything and everyone you put so much effort into is gone from your life. I'm trying to heal right now from a bad relationship that we tried to make work for way to long
Ofc
💗
Indeed🎉
This video is extremely helpful to me. My relationships fail and I lose years of being lovesick afterwards, trying to understand what went wrong, looping it in my head. This takes a huge toll on my health. for years in therapy I constantly heard the same thing, it was an attachment disorder, but no solutions were offered. last year I got diagnosed with adhd, now I'm convinced to be autistic, as medicating the adhd brought many of the traits to light. I'm desperately trying to understand myself, it feels like starting from scratch after a life of fighting and suffering. Videos like this one make me feel understood, they're of tremendous value for me trying to heal myself. thank you.
Exactly what I’m struggling with right now. This is so painful
another important and not just for people on the spectrum video.
I had no idea how much I overcompensate until I watched this video. I especially agree with the part about the more we value a relationship the more likely we are to start overcompensating because we are afraid of letting it go.
Side note, I just found out last night that my, I don't know, "person" has another woman that he is involved with and has moved into his home. (We were long distance temporarily. ) So I don't really know how to refer to him now. Recently ex-ed fiancée, I guess?
Anyway, he overcompensates by nature, too. And he gets taken advantage of by just about everyone. Which is probably part of why we got along so well. We both gave everything that we could and neither was taken advantage of. Well, except my trust, I guess.
This is true for me as well; It’s been a real conundrum. This helps though. A lot. Thank you
I severely overcompensate in my friendships and relationships. Currently I'm single and invest waaaaaaaay too much time in a friendship with someone I have hoped for a year will turn into a relationship, but he is incredibly dysfunctional and emotionally unavailable, so I constantly try and find ways to see each other or talk every day...knowing full well if I stop, that friendship will die. But I think "something is better than nothing" even to my detriment. Thanks so much for this video.
Raise that bar! Already sounds like you know what to expect, and it's probably worse than you assume. There are so many guys out there that will at least be better friends, if not more.
Run, you're going to get hurt by this one. He may become interested once you're done. Run.
@@idid138 He's probably autistic, and has adhd.. Would easily explain his emotional unavailability. Could be that spending time together means much more than it seems.. But who knows.. People pussyfoot around too much, and maybe he's afraid to lose the relationship he already has.
I've been in a similar situation for the past year and I recently ended the friendship after I finally told him my feelings, he told me he doesn't want a relationship with me and wants to be 'best friends'. I was devistated because I had invested so much emotional energy into the relationship only for it to not be reciprocated. If we ever have contact again it will be as acquaintances, as I can never go back to putting in the effort I was before. Trust me it's not worth it, and the longer you go on the more it will hurt if or when it ends
It doesn’t sound like he is interested in a potential relationship.
This is healing on a lot of levels. I also think a lot of my ND acquaintance could probably benefit from it too. Sometimes I wonder, when it comes to things like this, how much of my autism is my autism and how much of it is the result of being a misfit in an arbitrarily ND constructed world? Add a dollop of intersectionality and it's even less clear what causes what in my world. Like this overcompensating, the insecurity, it belongs to a lot of people who were othered early. It gives me hope to see it named here and think of us all out here trying to heal and claim our dignity for ourselves and each other.
Thanks Paul.
I have quite the share of bad relationships. One of it cost me many years. And I'm afraid, I'm in one again. But this time it's even harder for other reasons to simply let it go. This video left me a bit depressed. I make a habit of finding small but good situations with other relationships. That helps.
Totally me, amazing. My epiphany came when I had a near fatal accident and my so-called friends didn't even check in with me to find out how my rehabilitation was going. Then, when I started fundraising for a mental health charity through sponsorship to help me find greater motivation for my rehabilitation, guess what? They didn't sponsor me either. I have been setting the bar for considering people friends rather than merely acquaintances far too low, need to become less intense and more of a social butterfly to find people who value me through more exposure to alternatives.
So much of this overcompensation also holds true for childhood emotional neglect / complex PTSD, and narcissistic abuse. Fundamentally, I think you're describing the effects of having a preoccupied attachment style. It makes sense, that if you're autistic and undiagnosed, without the understanding, help and support you need, you're going to tend towards becoming preoccupied, even if you had the best parents who didn't punish you for manifesting your autistic traits.
I will buy that book so fast. Nobody's ever so succinctly described my biggest problem in life, let alone written a book about it
I think this is my favorite of your videos so far
I masked myself all the way to Prom King, multiple sport Captain, "popular" kid in high school, etc. Always trying so hard to fit in but always feeling so different... I felt and was often treated more like an adult than my peers growing up as well...
this is great. I have so many holes in my feet. cheers, Paul
Great topic. I definitely do this.
Great talk on a familiar topic. Thank you!
Wohoooooo 🎉 a book I am so excited and looking forward to reading it, as I have been following your content for ages and I am so happy for you to see you so successfully landing a book deal, that’s huge! 🎉 and the topic of this video is key and so relatable to me. Thank you!
Thanks for talking about this much overlooked subject, imo! It's usually all about how the (NT) partners handle the relationships, but there's a lot to be said about how we autistic people try to be understood/liked and might overcompensate and prolong less than ideal situations because we don't want crippling loneliness. You hit the nail on the head and you explained it so clearly.
As I got older, I've learnt to accept and love myself and to speak my mind (=/= brutal honesty). When I fall into the trap of overcompensating, I can now take a step back and say "hang on, no one is keeping you here, this is a choice you made, how is this choice making you feel?". I only recently went through this again...still have a lot of love for this person, but I hope we can both get in a better place now.
It's not attachment issues per se, in therapy I was always seen as a securely attached person. But my autism was completely missed by myself and therapists 😅
The book sounds great, I'm working on my own emotional brain currently, finding it, learning to listen etc so looking forward to it's release. Thank you - temporarily forgotten your name - I find I have overcompensated in terrible friendships over my life, even though some part of me knew I should let go and move on. I think there must be some ASD factor involved in my strange relationship to relationships, and definitely my easily triggered C-PTSD stuff popping off all over the place. Anyway Thank you, Paul! I remembered your name :)
Great video! I agree that it's important to have relationships based on our "authentic selves" however it is difficult to know how we are perceived by the other person. The excitement of finally finding someone who truly understands me can make me come on too hard with others, and that can make them pull away, and then I get into the cycle of overcompensating. I love what you said, Paul, no matter how good the relationship is, I should remember that I CAN live without it even if I'd rather not
It’s not wrong to be helpful to others. It’s not wrong to desire to be your best and to make the effort. Sometimes, others may not make the effort, but kindness isn’t badly spent. The universe will someday compensate you for what good you do to do others. The only sign that you are giving too much, is when your own body signals to you that you’re overwhelmed, over extended yourself but the only marker of you needing to change your situation, is when you are no longer being appreciated or if you are being taken for granted. It’s always good to remember, that you aren’t a role or a routine. Then others will come to the realization that things can always change and they too learn to respect you and appreciate you.
Paul, you are the best! I have learned so much from you over the past few years, and your delivery style is really inclusive, clear, and friendly. Another excellent video - thank you! 👏🏻 👏🏻 👏🏻
You clearly make more sense than you may think and I've just discovered and happen to like your videos. Thank you for explaining this facet of life. I find it interesting.
This video is so good. I keep watching it over and over. I think its one of the most useful video I ever seen. Im ND and I always fell in this trap. Thanks to you and to this video I will assess my connections from now and so on. I always feel drained. To meet a new friend, cultivate is so draining but also..if things are mutual..is....fun. I always felt the need to have a community or someone that has my values and understand me so whenever there was a nice person, I was "overcompensating", doing efforts, to keep this person. At which costs? Being tired? I was so drained. Again, this video totally opened up my eyes.
This is such important information! I'm several years now into counseling after massive burnout, and one of the precipitating factors was a psychologically abusive relationship that I failed to fully recognize as abusive.
Learning about boundaries and reciprocity is vital to keep oneself from being a flashing neon target for opportunists and predators. There are people out there who look for people like us who give way too much, and they'll soak up our energy until we are a dried-out husk. Sometimes they reel us back in, over and over, as long as we allow it.
When it becomes a repeated cycle of Idealize-Devalue-Discard - Hoover & Repeat, end it for your sanity.
Yes. Sounds like codependency with narcissistic undertones.. Navigating friendships, work environments & family dynamics with healthy boundaries can be challenging. (& That is not even addressing intimacy with a dating/longterm relationship.) Best to know thyself & be true to yourself. Only then, can you truely share yourself with intentional & deliberately chosen healthy choices/behaviours. It takes work from both participants in a relationship for the best results; with reciprocity in a healthy, commited exchange of vulnerability, accountability, & ongoing growth & development.. Hopefully we receive the reward of our labor!
Great stuff! Thank you! I like the sandwich cost analogy.
An amazing lesson! I'm actually degreed in Economics, so it's amazing to me to hear my findings validated by yet another who also came to (some of) the same conclusions. As for the rest, HIGHLY insightful! I hadn't even reached those conclusions yet, or I was getting a hint of bits & pieces, but no complete, well thought-out putting-together of it. THANKS! This is amazing! Thanks for posting this video!
The book sounds amazing :)
8:22 that's kinda funny bc i do the exact opposite if i don't have a lot i try my hardest to keep that little bit and would never bet risky especially not then... im kinda immune to this type of betting ...but it also insures that i loose a lot (but never much) bc i don't take opportunities i could have taken....
For a lot of my life I have been that way too. I almost never have anyone ask too much of me because it's just known that I would say no. I invest very little in anything anymore. (Aside from one major exception) And the reason I am willing to invest very little is because I am not willing to get involved. It just costs too much. But like you, it often leaves me essentially alone.
This video really hits home. You described so many scenarios that remind me of many of my past situations. This is the first time I've ever come across information about overcompensating. From listening all the way through you seem to suggest that there are things we can learn to improve our awareness going into future relationships and hopefully develop more skills and confidence. Hopefully relationships will become more satisfying and less stressful, except it seems that I'll be starting from scratch.
After staying clear of relationships, I realize that I am not the dysfunctional point. Watching from outside I see the problem still exists even without me. Main stream media and lying politicians and clinicians cause great harm to the public. Non righteous people are their own cause of grief.
"you can't buy people, you can only just keep making payments" (I forget who said it)
Yes, I watched this video. It was good. In what way? Well, I have a strategy that uses my sense of humour- my self-depriciating one - to allow me to count my blessings so to speak.
When I get tired I tend to forget this and then vent my frustrations in an unproductive manner.
Yes I know, enough material for a whole conference.
You touched a nerve in this video and for that I'm grateful. A genuine insightful study you could say. Thank U😂
Love
Laughter
Rest
It is then! 🤗
My main problem is deffinetly connected to this
And the fact that "I can't keep friendships" is really wore me down and I feel like a terrible person for notbeong someone who still have friends.
And I feel like I can't really make friends anymore.
I know it's not true but it's really gard to not feel like this.
Great video Paul, as usual, on a very relatable topic. Overcompensation is a real problem, and not only for autists.
In my experience, if you're always there for a friend or loved one who's having a hard time, but they're never there when you need help or support then yes, you're overcompensating. But it's also important to note that they're taking advantage.
It's okay if people occasionally say that they're too busy, have too many other commitments, aren't well, or whatever. But if they give those excuses all the time, or even if they're just the norm, then it's an unhealthy relationship. If both sides like hanging out and spending time together, and neither side invests in supporting the other, that's okay. If both sides do, that's awesome. What's unhealthy is an imbalance of time and/or energy.
This is a problem I've long been aware of, but you've given me a new framework in which to put it, and new language to talk about it, so thank you.
I like that you´re mentioning that it is relevant who you´re interacting with. Maybe there are people who always appreciate us even if we allow ourselves to be emotionally dependent on the relationship with them instead of feeling ready to "let them go" at all times. I would like to experience this deep mutual trust. If it breaks down, I´ll have to let go anyways, but why hold back from being fully in it to begin with? And then blaming myself for giving it my all instead of being grateful that I did give it my all and recognizing that the other person just wasn´t the right person to receive it and didn´t give their all to me. Being authentic is important though, and probably part of giving it all instead of hiding parts, so I like that the video focuses on overcoming the fear of fully expressing ourselves and our needs. Trusting that the right people will stay and if not they were not the right people or only meant to be in my life temporarily is how I like to frame it I think.
Story of my life with all my relationships.. especially as an autistic person who gets way too disoriented when a relationship ends and a dynamic that felt so good is lost
Wow. That's a lot of bells ringing. Here's a pattern to investigate.. similar lifespans of relationships. Mine seem to all run about 5 yrs give or take. Depending on the tolerance of the subjected partner.
And I take the loss of a relationship way too hard. Only my second video. I have figured out that I do this. But I couldn't figure out why. Never occurred to me.. I'll have to delve a bit deeper. Good work. to have it laid out so clearly here.
Looking forward to your book!! I think I will be investing in that! Thank you for your work on these topics.
I find that the key to a successful relationship is *equal* compensation. If you're trying super hard, that's okay if your partner/friend/family is trying super hard too. Because they'll be showing you as much consideration as you do them, so you get the same happiness and care right back and that gives you the energy to give it back too. It's a balance, too much or too little on either side is bad. Just gotta find someone exactly as earnest as you are, which is hard, but not impossible, I found two in the span of ten years =D
I spent years grieving over the reality that trying too hard is a problem. And not just because so many NTs tend to hate earnestness, which I feel tends to overlap with this, but also because it can even make it difficult to find the person who tries at an equal level as you. Your perfect balance partner may look at you and think 'Oh, I cannot keep up with that.' Actively driving them away. So, just be yourself, hang in there and wait for the day you find the person who naturally tries exactly as hard as you naturally do (or don't xD).
Thank you so much for this! Can’t wait for your book!!
Dang, this encapsulates my marriage I explained why I thrived after and my ex latched onto someone eerily like a 25 year younger version of myself afterwards (even though she was only 20 years younger than I am.)
I appreciate your framing. I lit my family of origin in the divorce and it was totally worth it. I have energy, peace, and a wholeness I was never able to have in those relationships.
I relate so much to this. Thank you
A really good video, one of the best ones you've made, in my opinion
Such valuable advice. Thank you.
Ur awesome! You break down what Jesus said. If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet.
If we arent valued in one place we will be somewhere so keep moving.
Paul - I think you’d get a ton out of Dr. David Schnarch’s book “Passionate Marriage”, if you aren’t already familiar. Lots of depth, from Family Systems psychology theory and practice, on precisely this dynamic you identify: caring about someone, overcompensating and under-self-disclosing, spiral spiral spiral, burnout, breakup; rinse and repeat.
Thank for this.❤😢
I stopped compensating little before I realised I am on the spectrum. Now I am trying to get the actual diagnosis, but healthcare in Canada sucks 😢 I am struggling with the system !
Apparently, yes
Gosh, this is me and I just want to cry. The person I did my best to reach gaved so little information and I struggled soo much because I don't understand silence. I did not know by then that I was autistic. Then he suddenly blocked me instead of explaining what was going on. I still feel terrible 6 months later. Even worse now that I got the information I am autistic. I'm so sad.
I've come to realize, thanks to this video, how I may be over compensating in a few relationships. There was a girl I was talking too on a dating app, we had a decent conversation there. We added each other on discord and the conversation died shortly after there. This happens so much, if I want to maintain a relationship, I'm forced to be the one to initiate. I just wish for once someone would reach out to me first.
I have the goals we want to create with my partner on a list. Apart from that my relationships are terrible as i seem to attract a certain type of person.
One has to be able to understand how to gain a relationship first and when you are a particular mix of traits like myself that is a more problematic endeavor than what you are speaking on. Would be nice to learn how that works that is not centered around confidence and other's greed.
ah yes, this is very relatable.
For a while I dated a woman who insisted I accompany her to her job’s holiday dinners. After a few years she noticed how uncomfortable they were for me.
Your definition of 'for a while' is very interesting.
@@ivanaamidzic If you want to know specifically, for a while meant about five years.
@@ThroughTheLensOfAutism Yes, I assumed, given you mentioned 'after a few years' at the end of that post. But the beginning was 'for a while', so I found your definition of 'for a while interesting.
I'm so sorry that happened to you
Heck, I didn't go to my own last job's company dinners. I can't imagine going and insisting that someone else endure that torture too.
Edit: typos
1:34 - 2:04 felt like you're reading my mind. And not just that part. The part about your first marriage sounds like my first and only marriage. Not thinking about having any relationships any more. That's how hard it felt. You invest so much of yourself into it, only to find out something stupid can break it so easily, and you feel like a cretin. I'm too old for this game.
It is still better to overcompensate and have a relationship, knowing that it may not last forever, than to never have any intimate relationship at all.
I gave away my house plants and then my x husband gave her orchid and i feel like i have to keep it for her even though i already decided house plants are not for me.
✨🕯️♥️thank you🪷✨
Like this, like the idea of the book. DON'T like the title. "unlock the emotional brain" kinda implies that I don't have an emotional brain, doesn't it?? And don't we all struggle to communicate that Neurodivergent people have emotions? I know I have emotions. The problem is not my emotions. The problems might be, hyperawareness, different set of emotions and empathy, discrimination (implicit and explicit), cptsd, etc, etc.
trying is good but trying too hard is bad, but courage to try to say what you're afraid to say is...?
I'm grumpy how exactly I was in this video...
The only two people in my life who ive had relationship with were both admited to psych wards. You have to be insane to love me :/
No. Don't believe that. You are capable of being loved.
Or maybe you are a kind soul and they open up to you. You attract these souls. It’s not bad that you are empathic, but maintain your boundaries to benefit yourself above all else.
Do you have any videos about how to work in an office setting when you have autism level one (high-functioning)? One of my coworkers researched working with autistic individuals and the other one refuses to understand. The one who done some research easier to work with except for a few things which she does not like me talking so much, says that I communicate at the same pitch, that I'm black and white with thinking, I'm focused on detail, in many other things that you've mentioned. I was diagnosed in 2019 at age 49.
I'm interested in this topic- managing spectrum behaviors in the workplace for more efficiency in fulfilling job duties.. accepting progress not perfection as in organizing a retail display to allow time for other tasks.. & other possible situations.
well... to me it looks like I have done so most of the time, and may (at low frequency, as for some old friends) still do so. but I think I get better in evaluating transactions vs my genuine interest, and adapting investment-wise. ASD-diagnosis (informal 1st and formal in progress, looking realistic) may make for some kinda 'blk pll' - to truly belong neither were nor is on 'my' menu, most probably.
This video has been messing with my head ever since I watched it. Makes me feel much more cynical.
Hey, speaking of compensating, I have a question. I saw this happen in the hall near my brother's wedding reception. A female banquet manager was upset with a caterer, who had signed up for a one-person shift. She said she didn't think he could successfully do the service alone. She was sternly all, "I've told you not to sign up for shifts by yourself, I've been very clear about that, I don't know how much clearer I can get for you to listen. You need someone there to give you instructions and guide you." And then the caterer said, "You know, I'm beginning to see why you manage wedding and receptions." Does his comeback mean she's compensating for her unmarried life?
No. He is not criticising her being unmarried. He is recognizing her managing & delegating "orders" meaning instructions of what needs to be done to make the wedding reception successful. She is advising him of his need to plan more thoroughly how to manage time/staff to cater (prep, setup, serve, cleanup..) for the reception. It seems it was too much for 1 person in 1 shift?
@@allison4644 i didn't mean the _wedding reception_ was a one person shift. I meant the one-person shift was _another_ shift, for another day. And actually, I think it was some sort of lunch for a business group. I just heard about it _at_ my brother's wedding receptoin
Based on this clarification, do you now think it was an unmarried roast?
Also i very much cant connect on an emotional level as my emotions are binary ai and i have no fe. But i can bond on an intellectual and goal based level whoch most of the population cant do. So i need to keep looking thats all.
🌈😊🙏
I hope to be able to put into words the beauty and purity of the autistic spirit. Last week I was responsible for a patient who was stabbed seven times by his daughter. He was fortunate that she missed his vital organs, yet he still lost a lot of blood and will have to live with irreversible organ dysfunction. ‘He had an amazing surgeon.’ His words. Yet what touched me was his attitude towards it all. His heart is so kind and he is full of energy, even post op. He talks in the most charming formal manner and recites poetry that he wrote. Tears poured down my eyes. His 9-year old granddaughter made him a painting way ahead of her age. I asked him his secret, to which he replied it was his love for the Lord. He is a man of God and it shines through his intelligent and inquisitive eyes.
I liked this video, but only because emotional damage is how I grow, apparently
Secure well being and housing. Walk on eggshells or authority will put you outside. Now your over compensating or taking losses for speaking out. American politics is terrible
I've had to unsubscribe to notifications because you keep posting just as I'm trying to get to sleep. As an AuADHDer this us bad news.
Just save the videos in a playlist for later then 🤷♀️
Turn off notifications, and set your bedtime timer on your phone, you won't be bothered by this stuff after. Just a tip.
Great suggestions above. A 3rd way is to press and hold the notification to bring up the delivery options: Deliver silently, or turn them off. You can be subscribed, with notifications off for that channel. CZcams will still show subscribed content in your feed when you open the app -- it just won't notify you, so you only see it when you go look.
I thought about subscribing to have a relationship with this channel, and realize you are having the same with thousands of others. Another sell out.