First Time Hearing Mandatory Suicide by Slayer | Suicide Survivor Reacts
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- čas přidán 20. 02. 2022
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This is my reaction to my first time hearing Mandatory Suicide by Slayer from the South of Heaven album. I've certainly heard OF Slayer, but never listened to any of their music. They sure don't hold back!
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girl Metal is best music against depression ever, specially Black Metal ~!😉
SLAYER!!!! Need some more SLAYER? Check these songs out
Slayer - Raining Blood / Unearthed Mosh
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Slayer - Hell Awaits / Nikhil Parulekar
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HEAVY METAL GODDESS!!!!!!!!!! MUAH!!!!!!!!!!
Can you do Suicide Solution by Ozzy?
It's about suicide, but specifically by alcoholism.
(I was just listening to it and it spontaneously occured to me ti suggest it here)
@@nonserviam751 Awesome song!
I survived a front line duty driving a tank during Desert Storm. The day I received my medals I nearly vomited at the hypocrisy of being awarded medals to kill many, many men. The things I saw and did there came home with me leading to a life of alcoholism. Pretty cliché I know but it happens to the best of us. I have had brutal suicidal ideation over the years and even though I have meds and counseling when needed, It still comes crawling back to me some 30 years later. All on a stupid decision as a twenty year old who thought it would be "neat" to see Germany. I tell all of the kids in my family and especially my own son of my story and the horrors that I witnessed, and inflicted on other human beings. You see, after the war the humanity of the enemy comes seeping in. You realize that the brainwashing the military instilled in you doesn't last forever, and it can eat you alive if you let it. My advice is to pass by the recruiters office and get enrolled into college or a trade school. This won't turn your young life into a travesty of what it could have been. The only other advice i have is listen to more SLAYER!!! Seriously, listen to Slayer and stay in school kids.
I'm sorry for your tribulations. Thank you for your service brother!
Thank you for your sacrifice and for being so honest about your experiences so perhaps others will think twice before jumping into something without thinking of the long term.
I just graduated high school at that time and was thinking about enlisting, since my best friend did. My girlfriend at the time talked me out of it, which I am thankful for. After hearing stories from my friends and seeing images of war, if I came back I would really be f*cked in the head. So I am glad I never followed through that life choice.
Yeah bro, almost the exact thing happened to my father.
Think of it this way: by killing enemy combatants you potentially saved many of your comrades. I'm not a vet but I've heard vets say that.
Awesome reaction. Thank you for reacting to Slayer. From now on, you can’t just say Slayer, you have to scream it out loud.
Slayer have some of the “best” lyrics describing horrific things.
Angel of death, war ensemble, dittohead, south of heaven, raining blood, etc. Criminally insane. The list goes on. Even their short lived nu metal phase had some hidden gems, and didn't sound like saint Anger lmao.
Such an amazing song with lots of meaning behind it. Thanks for sharing Amanda.
Thank you Amanda. Love ya and glad your amongst us living this wild and wacky world. Me being an extreme metal dude for so long, now old find peace and so much joy in watching you react to some of my favorite songs when I was a young.
P.S I am not old yet
I really love everything you stand for, Amanda. Lots of love x
SLAYER!!!!!!!! 🤘🤘Badass reaction. Great to see you appear on my feed again.🎉
Great reaction Amanda. I've been waiting for you to do a Slayer song being a die hard fan since 1986. Slayer has never held back. They say what they want to say and don't sugar coat it. They have alot of songs about or related to war. Kill Again, Angel Of Death, Ghosts Of War, Behind The Crooked Cross, War Ensemble just to name a few. Original guitarist, Jeff Hanneman who passed away in May 2013, his father was a WW2 collector so that influenced their songs and imagery on merchandise.
Great job, keep fighting the good fight. You're an inspiration.
you are spot on in your lyric analysis. Good job!
I have been here a while. Watched a good many of your metal reactions.
This one gives me hope.
You seemed to finally get the gist of the silliness and (maybe fatalistic) humor that runs through this music.
Hey Amanda love your channel
Thanks for spreading awareness 😰😥
Ah yes, the 35 year old classic. From the 1988 album "South of Heaven." One of my favorite albums from my High School years. In fact, this is the album that got me into Slayer as a 15 year old kid.
First off, thanks much for making this video and wanting to upload it. In the first verse on the album version the 2nd lyrics instead of repeating are "ambushed by the spray of lead, count the bullet holes in your head".
These lyrics really tell the story and set a large part of the tone of the 2nd half of the album; "South of Heaven". This album has helped me in my own mental health journey, been struggling (a lot) lately.
I think that we can all benefit from sharing our ideas and beliefs through art; Audio, animation, illustration or by making videos.
The studio version is way better. Great reaction!
This about the time Jeff Hanneman was sick(bit by a spider while in a hot tub his wife said somewhere) and didn't want anyone to know. You can tell by his playing, and died not to long after. Dave Lombardo also had just rejoined after being gone for 4 or 5 years. I've seen Slayer the first time they joined the Oz Fest and they sounded better than any of their albums. I also have Still Reigning live DVD concert. A great dvd every Slayer fan should have.
@@jefffredenburg7231 Jeff was bit by the spider in early 2011 and this performance is from 2010. Dave rejoined Slayer 2002. Jeff was dealing with severe arthritis at that time and one of the Dave's double bass mic was off that's why the double bass didn't sounded that good.
hell nah lol Tom's vocals live are unmatched
Lol nah. Dave lombardo is so much sicker on this
Slayer is awesome I have been following them since they came out and they are down to earth guys they are kind loving guys
Nice analysis👊🏽⚡️At 7:42 the scream make the hair on the back of my neck stand up.
This performance sounds even heavier than the album version. Wow. Give that soundman a raise!
Thing about Slayer, the surface message always hides a deeper meaning underneath. It's not everyone's cup of tea, and honestly I can only slay in small doses because of the mood it puts me in. There is a message, and there is a purpose. Paul Bostaph is an amazing drummer, truly, watch a drum cam. Jeff Hanneman was an awesome guitar player, RIP. Kerry King is so big in person his shadow stands in his shadow. And Tom Araya playing bass and vocals proves bassists can be valuable assets lol. I've listened to slayer for over 25 years.
True, Paul Bostaph is amazing, but it is Dave who is drumming here. An order of magnitude better drummer IMO, but it is of course a matter of taste :-)
@@HeimirTomm Dave Lombardo, and you are correct. Thank you sincerely. There are drum challenges between Dave Lombardo and Charlie Benante from anthrax that left my jaw on the floor. Paul Bostaph is the drummer I usually saw live in the 90s.
FUKN SLAAAAAYEEEEEEER
@@HeimirTomm yeah Lombardo is what made slayer well, SLAYER!!!
ive been listening to slayer since i was 10 im going to be 18
I've seen them a couple of times over the years. They are great live and stayed true to their roots for decades if you're into thrash. RIP Jeff \m/
They were a great live band ;)
You do some great reactions, I’d like to see your take on Slayer’s Silent Screams or Angle of Death
As a life long Slayer fan...The lyrics.."Murder at your every footstep
A child's toy, sudden death" Refers too me a "booby trap". This came out in the 80's, The movie "Full Metal Jacket" has a scene at the end, Where a solider gets blown up by picking up a toy.
It was an actual tactic used by the VC. Most everything in that movie is accurate - although there were some DI's that were actually worse than Gunny Hartman in that era. It has cleaned up (the USMC) a lot thanks to the mothers of america. Hazing was still a thing when I was in the infantry '99-'03 - so I can imagine it just went underground more - doesn't matter what the officers say about not doing it, the officers aren't there Friday night at 20:00...
We had one kid get an anxiety attack during a particularly brutal hazing exercise - everyone thought he was having a heart attack. In his newfound comfort in the Army hospital, he spilled the beans and we ended up with 12 LCpl's and Cpl's being charged. 7 NJP's and 5 Courts Martial later...
The hazing just got more devious and hidden after that - it didn't leave the barracks.
Not condoning - just stating my experience - and yeah, I passed it on. I tried to be nicer than was done to me.
The whole line was "bloods cheap, it's everywhere" think he's just painting a battlefield picture
I’m a schizophrenic for over a decade. For the discussion of this hard , touchy subject of suicide, to be blunt , the thoughts of suicide back then was almost severe, I nearly attempted it. The voices were so loud, they were so nerve wracking, that those demonic voices told me my life wasn’t no longer an existence . You know. Everything seemed or was deemed as nihilistic and worse. I banged my head against the bathroom mirror, until the glass broke in a thousand pieces. But since, I was talked into by my family to get professional help. That I had no other choice. Since, I’ve been getting better by both meds and therapies per psychiatric visits. The voices + delusional thoughts are nearly vanished. So that’s my story. Life, to me these days, is worth the fight to live for. As for Slayer, they are one of my favorite metal bands since 1988.
I would disagree on the "Child's toy, Sudden death" part. I always thought that someone in the band saw "Full metal jacket". At the end of the movie, A solider picks up a stuffed toy, Which turns out to be a bomb.
Further down the rabbit hole is Sources of Agonies from Limbonic Art. Very spooky song. But in reality it really has brought a lot of light into my life
Hooah to all the other vets out there. Iraq 03-'04. FOB Speicher
You know it breaks my heart when I see these veterans going through horrible times just because of their service for us and this country and our country is fail these men and women I spoke to a veteran yesterday who is living on the street after several surgeries just the fact that the treatment of those who gave their very being for us and this is ok in the eyes of our government I truly hate the fact that we are failing these true heroes but the focus of the government is so messed up they are so concerned with how the rest of the world and sending aid to other countries when alot of our focus should be on helping the men and women who gave so much for our country and we are failing them miserable and I know I'm not alone in this mindset but people are so focused on issues that are just ridiculous in this day and age of selfishness these people go on without a single thought from most people and it's truly heartbreaking as a nation we need to stand up and tell them that this simply will not do I myself was set to serve my country coming out of high school however I foolishly injured myself to the point I was rejected for serving my country and it was a hard thing to lose for me but I guess things happen for a reason even if we don't understand them besides the fact that I was unable to serve I have the upmost respect for those who have and I feel that they have earned the respect of our entire country thank you Amanda
Having been an abused youth, suicide was a fantasy that I entertained often. Now, decades later, I have been diagnosed stage four terminal. I will die fighting for my life. Peace
I hope you spend however many days/weeks/months/years you have left experiencing life and finding joy 💖
Even as a 37 year metalhead, Slayer is still an acquired taste. They're more on the Punk side of Thrash Metal. Fast and short songs was their usual style. The vocals were often off putting for a lot of folks, including myself. Tom Araya's vocals seemed more like talk screaming rather than singing screaming ya know? There's a Greek band that debuted in 2007 called Suicidal Angels (ironically) that plays Slayer-like music, but with a vocal style that fits the music better. A deeper harsher scream if you know what I mean. The song that got me into them is one called "Beggar of Scorn" from their 3rd album "Dead Again" from 2010. Check out that video here on YT, and right away from the first few bars, you will get a strong Slayer like vibe with the music. But when the vocals kick in, they're actually more soothing because they fit better. Kinda strange to say that given the vocal style, but when the vocals fit the music regardless of the styles of both, the overall sound of the song(s) just sound more relaxing because the styles don't clash. Give that Beggar of Scorn song a try. I think you'll actually like it.
I love the end of this song, it's total chaos
The death by a childrens toy lyric is a direct reference to 2 things. Landmines and rigging children's cribs with a crying infant with landmines or semtex, both are reasons my uncles and my father in law can't sleep peacefully anymore.
You should have a listen to how will I laugh tomorrow (heavy emotion version) by the band suicidal tendencies, can't tell you how many times that song saved my life, 🤘👍😁
Wow, this is a perfect Slayer song to react to.
Right on for giving Slayer a spin. x
You can face your challenges too, Amanda! :)
Check out the band Suicidal Tendencies and the songs Institutionalized, Suicidal Failure, and War Inside my Head! (Or any other song by them!)
This was great.
The singer has surgery on his throat a few years back and hasn't been quite the same since.
He even forgot the 2nd verse here and repeated it on the 3rd. 😆
He really can sing tho.
It's usually 2 or 3 notes but he was able to nail em. Lol
I dig your headphones. 👍😊
I'm so happy you've decided to listen to heavy metal. Dobby back there digs it too.
song is actually about the vietnam war and the fact that the platoons were sent out night after night to ambushes. It was a mandatory suicide to the patrols, nothing about mental illness
vu 3 fois en concert , je suis fan de Slayer !! merci pour la video
I'm sad to say that we lost guitarist Jeff Hanneman (the blond guitarist) of Slayer in 2013 to liver cirrhosis... he co-wrote 'Mandatory suicide'... and a bulk of Slayer's songs (Guitarist Kerry King did the other half) while Tom Araya (vocals & bass) wrote some lyrics for the band (including this track)
Jeff Hanneman was a very private guy (like the others in Slayer) ... but he struggled w/ alcohol abuse & never got treated (as far as I know)... Around 2011 (?) he was forced to take a break after an insect bite infected his arm w/ a flesh-eating virus. He survived the surgery, but never recovered... Slayer went on the road and hoped he would make a comeback... but he was gone by 2013 at age 50 (R.I.P. 😪)
Slayer carried on w/ Kerry King, Tom Araya, w/ guitarist Gary Holt and drummer Paul Bostaph, until they opted to end Slayer's career by 2019 after a final tour.
Slayer also did a track on PTSD of Gulf War soldiers - 'Eyes of the insane'.
I recommend Bullet For My Valentine band. They deal a lot with borderline stuff, relationships, emotions, depression/pain in their lyrics.
It’s all about war. A common theme from the band. SLAYER!!!!!!!
Most people will never understand what it feels like to be 19 and writting a will. Semper Fi to all who have served and are currently serving our great nation.
Powerful visual! Thanks for giving us that perspective!
You nailed it. The horrors of war. All of our soldiers that have been taken for granted. Ridiculed. Vietnam Vet's who were spat at. They endured things that were spoken of. They didn't start the war. They served our country.
Was Dave going for a St. Anger snare sound? Instead of a steel can sound he got a plastic can sound.
I’ve been watching your reactions for months.. and now I need help. I feel empty, I keep trying to keep going but it just seems like I can’t find a way out other then making it all stop. I feel like I have no other option, I’m sorry for saying all this
Please email me at amanda@amandawebsterhealth.com I know how dark and meaningless it can seem, but there is always hope. I promise.
I know it’s never going to happen because it’s never going to get enough requests.. but Crossroads by I Prevail. Please react. This song has kept me alive for years. It’s so important to me
Edit: this song is so underrated, but I think it’s so important for other people to hear. My best friend has saved my life more times than I can count and this song directly relates. To him and to the fight to survive in general.
First time I was found unresponsive from a pill overdose this song was playing, sad to think about now 35 years later
Glad you're still here!
PS. Before Slayer does this song live, they thank the Arm Services or "We Thank our Brothers and Sisters" insert a current war.
They put IED‘s In kids toys so when a soldier picks it up boom
Check out "The Amity Affliction - All Fucked Up". It gets me every time
US Army Infantry veteran. The reference to the childs toy and death was a reference towards jihadist's tactic of hiding IED's in children's toy's.
The US military is an all volunteer professional military force. And we're FIERCLY proud of that. We do not want draftee's. We want to be doing what we're doing, a draftee does not. There's a difference in the quality of soldier when you want to be in the military.
We all understand the risk of death. No vet will complain about that. We also understand that we could die. The only issue vets really have is that for those of us in Combat Arms units (the unit's that actually fight. Most military units do not fight), do not get any assistance transitioning back into the real world, where good, honest decent people actually live.
In the case of the US military, we unfortunately also understand that our civilian leaders are going to send us to do things that are against our common principals. Which are the words stated in the US Constitution, period. Yet, when we call out the BS that we KNOW about politicians in the US, the main stream media, in legitimately verifiable collusion with a political party, are labeled as "right wing militants", or some such other name for the insult du jour that accuses anyone who differs with woke culture as racist. We're not "right wing", we are however aware of the threat that government plays to the people. THAT, makes us right wing, to the media and to politicians.
I'm going to end this stoned rant of an old Infantryman, and thank you for spending the time on the song. When someone new to metal enjoys it, we old farts get to remember why we love it in the first place. That's a pretty cool gift.
Oh wait, the military LOVES Slayer. They speak well FOR US.
Thank you for your sacrifice and for these insights.
If you're really into mental health and you want to do some great reactions, I would highly highly recommend suicidal tendencies. You could do their first five albums easily, but it would be cool to see you react to. How will I laugh tomorrow when I can't even smile today.
I may have missed it but since I haven't noticed them mentioned in the comments, I guess I'll be the one to request them. The band is Jinjer, the song is Wallflower. Being a severe introvert, a wallflower, this song has become an anthem for me and many others like me. You have to go in blind though, no research. Although the music video is really cool, go with a lyrics version, you'll understand why afterward. They are from Ukraine and they are referred to as a alternative groove metal band but Jinjer is Jinjer. The band is amazing and the lead singer will blow your mind. So if you can, do a reaction to Wallflower by Jinjer.
And as always, keep fighting the good fight.
I did Scissors, haven't done Wallflower yet.
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If you haven't yet, you really need to check out "The Pass" by Rush. Saved my life on more than one occasion.
Amanda, I would love to hear you react to The Light by Disturbed. Such a powerful message
Slayer is just one of those kinds of bands that I described as slapping yourself in the head with a cinder block… They are hard and harsh, brutal, and yet, they are honest in their view of the worlds brutality. They certainly aren’t celebrating war, killing, etc. Slayers music is definitely not for the timid or faint of heart…
Tom said "Fly swatter stakes drive through your chest."
Dude, definitely listen to “defiance of fate” by Warbringer. It has some REALLY powerful lyrics.
One of the seminal bands of all time.
Lyrically really heavy and hard to listen to, muscially fantastic and so tight.
Angel of Death (about the Holocaust) is fairly disturbing, South of Heaven, Hell Awaits, Seasons In The Abyss, Repentless- you could keep going
Raining Blood is the starting point!
(Note, its all quite dark! They retired 2 years ago after 30+ years)
And check out their song 213.
You need to to listen to Spill he blood! Since you mentioned it!
Great reaction hope you can get to suicide note part one and to buy Pantera sometime soon it's a very powerful song with a very powerful message
Question for you young lady other than my previous one is if you got a chance to listen to suicide no part one and two by Pantera but I was wondering if you have any family in Michigan? Have quite a few Webster family members in my family just wanted to know
If you want to get next level with the thought of not being meant to see things, consider the fact that we've become more efficient killers but have always been territorial predators. We just used to be more savage with it. What this song is describing is actually the easy way to kill someone.
Great reaction to Slayer. They've been around since I was a kid. I've actually seen them in concert twice. They definitely are an acquired taste, but you just learn not to take the lyrics seriously. It's just another artform.
Ironically though, I myself am currently battling a major depressive disorder, chronic anxiety and suicidal ideation. I will be starting ECT treatments soon because I am treatment resistant to antidepressants and cognitive behavioral therapy. I see that you yourself are a survivor of attempted suicide. I am so glad that you have recovered and are doing well. That gives me hope that there can be a way out of this pain besides ending my life. Mental illness is becoming the leading cause of deaths, even creeping up to cancer in terms of percentages. I firmly believe that social media is one of, if not THE main reason for this. For me it goes deeper than that, well into my childhood. Hopefully soon, governments around the globe will put mental illness into their highest priorities and help rid the world of this disastrous disease. 🌸
Why wouldn't you take the lyrics seriously?
I couldn't take medication, so I had to seek other routes as well. I have a free 5 day challenge that teaches what I did. www.happinessboost.life
I am proud of you for seeking alternatives. Keep us updated!
@@vorpalblades I grew up in a loving family and have strong convictions.
@@RedLP5000S that's fine.
Why would that cause you to dismiss lyrics though?
You better try this song , ' mirror of sorrow ' or ' destiny falls to ruin' by Solitude Aeturnus
Slayer is just pure awesomeness, concentrate!
The only 80’s thrash band that didn’t sell out.
Damn this is a live performance too.
Just the fact that it’s sounds JUST AS GOOD as the studio cut… tells you all you need to know about Slayer.
It must always be yelled........ SLAYER!!!
You should check out the cover of this song by Decapitated.
As a suicide survivor as well who attemped several times in my life I finally got diagnosed with bipolar disorder 6 years ago taking about how I felt saved me from myself I still get them really dark days but I am fighting. Slayer was one of them bands that I listened to during my darkest times metal and extreme metal helped me. Keep doing amazing reaction videos glad your still with us keep up the good work
I've attempted twice in my 20's. Overdosed a few times. In my state of suicide I only saw black with my conscious aware. I was stuck in darkness but aware. I tend to think hell may be stuck in darkness with our own thoughts, blackness with our own thoughts for eternity. That is torture !!!
That does sound like Hell. What an interesting perspective. Very glad you're still here and I hope you're healing!
What a coincidence… i was just listen this song at the end of my workout 😅
Amanda…..
You should really check out “How Could You Leave Us” by NF…… very very very touching and extremely sad song…. I really think you would enjoy it
Much love ❤️
This is one of Slayers songs, check out Angel Of Death
There is a sweet symmetry in listening to Mandatory Suicide by Slayer to the reacting of a blonde girl with pink kitty headphones... Works fine with me!
Give how will i laugh tomorrow and alone by suicidal tendencies a listen to they are both great songs
RIP Jeff.
BRUTAFUL
Any chance u react to Epica - Design your universe?
Since u liked Nightwish u might like them too. ;)
Nowhere left to sink by Like Moths to Flames would be a really good reaction song
I noticed u don’t get involved in 2 many comments people make ?
Also noticed u getting into the riffs ✊🏼✌🏼
Slayer is good for my mental health.
Not your cup of tea. HAHAHAHAHA!!!! I would never have guessed that you would be a Slayer fan. And I was right. Love your reactions.❤
When u said "spills the blood" im sensing a foreshadowing that u might react to Spill the blood by slayer 👀😂
Best. Band. Ever!
Ok Going to fire this one up, hehe. me being a 46 year old metal man. Ohhh Do I love Slayer. "I was a lil kid when this came out"
Mandatory Suicide, massacre on the Frontline pretty much sums it up....
Check out the song ' Behind the Crooked Cross ', it's about German soldiers perspective on fighting for Hitler....
Have you ever listened to Johnny Mandel suicide is painless as I can relate to this as nearly commited suicide and still think about it nearly every day
I will add it to my general list. Please know that I care if your light goes out. Please don't hesitate to reach out to me or a professional. You deserve to heal.
The next song you should do is: "Kill A Celebrity" by: Ramallah (Have a fun time with it.) 🙂
Great song and lyrics. Saw Slayer 3 times, every time with a different drummer, lol. Metallica "Sanatarium" is great too. SUICIDE SOLUTION, Ozzy which is a song warning about the sanger of addiction. Songcwritten after Bon Scott of Acdc died of alcohol.
He was just saying bloods cheap it's everywhere like supply and demand bloods cheap it's everywhere
Slayer forever. Give people time to understand their contribution.
More Slayer please.
Not about self inflicted suicide. About being sent into battle during Vietnam/War with many traps along the way to be killed by. Basically men being sent on suicide
missions.
When they did this song on live intrusion it sounds way better
Decade Of Aggression version rips.
@@vorpalblades yep
You know most of my story Amanda. I spent 4 months in Iraq and just over 5 years in Afghanistan. I still have P.T.S.D. 11+ years after combat. There are a lot of demons that still live in my head. I have just recently been able to start healing and some of the demons have dyed off. My nightmares that I still have almost every night are not so vivid anymore. I no longer wake up with the sweats or screaming. Within the last month I don't have flashbacks anymore. I VOLUNTEERED FOR MILITARY SERVICE AND ASKED FOR COMBAT DUTY!! The 5+ years I was in Afghanistan I had seen, heard, smelled, tasted, felt and did things that no one should have too. While I like Slayer I don't like this song. I was trained to kill. It was my job and I was good at it. Am I proud of it? Hell no, but I did what I had to do to survive. I watched my best friend die just a few feet from me. I lost my only brother in Iraq in 2004. I lost a lot of good men and friends in that damn war! They are the real HERO'S! The demons come from all those things that happened. Also my first kill. I am not going to get graphic, but it was up close and personal. A big part of me died that day with him. One big demon. Even with the hell I have gone through in Afghanistan and the last 11 years of hell I have had to deal with my P.T.S.D.. I would not change a damn thing. I am proud of serving my country. I knew going in that I might get killed. I almost died when I got hit by an I.E.D.. That's what ended my military career. Even though the Taliban are back in control I look at it as I was able to help the Afghani people from those bastard's for a few years. This song just makes me God damn mad. SSG. Rick James U.S. Army (Ret.) 11 Bravo.
You've been through too much young man, I served in the early 90's and did 2 tours of Northern Ireland. Things were pretty bad in the services back then but I watched what happened to you guys through Iraq and Afghanistan and I felt for you, you clearly went through hell.
The load isn't just yours to carry, my friend. Keep talking. Don't ever keep it inside, externalise it whenever you can especially when you are with those who went through the same.
Remember, there's so many of us around the world who are connected by a common thread, you're not alone.
I get pissed off right alongside you my friend!
The songs about what happens in war
Months ago I recommended you hear the song EXILE by SLAYER off of their 2001 album GOD HATES US ALL. Exile is about committing suicide to escape the government.