When secure becomes ANXIOUS (with avoidant partner)
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- čas přidán 13. 06. 2024
- #avoidant #avoidantattachment #dating #insecureattachment #attachment #relationshipcoach #fearfulavoidant #situationship #dismissiveavoidant #relationship #secureattachment #anxiousattachment #anxiousattachmentstyle #attachmentstyle
Yep, this what happened to me. 6 months of a situation ship, I wanted it to be more. Then the "busy" signal came on not long after her birthday. Then the slow fade started .... Its been nearly 6 months of no contact for me. Feeling back to my old self everyday :)
Compromising my boundaries has been a life long struggle. My last severely avoidant ex crossed my boundaries in such a brazenly toxic way that I cannot fathom ever going back.
Because of how I handled her abrupt discard, I was able to get my own closure on the relationship. The door is now slammed shut and staying permanently no contact.
Now for first time in my life, I feel secure and rapidly healing from my anxious attachment wounds. I’m finding the lessons learned in her absence much more fulfilling than the relationship ever was.
So much that I almost want to thank my avoidant ex for over playing her hand. I won’t do that of course because My level up is much easier for the experience👍
If she tries again, I’ll now be able to reject her hoover firmly and confidently.
Yup, that was me. I was completely confused why I felt so wrong. Why I cared about everything so much. I didn't recognize myself. From having been laid back and not letting things get to me, to being a nervous wreck. Then after 14 years when she left, I learned about attachment styles. Wish I had done that so much earlier, and thus wouldn't have had to go through that amount of pain.
Oh my god, i went through exactly the same thing and i have been wondering why i was acting the way i did during the relationship because i knew myself and that person was not me. Even my friends kept telling me how they never saw me act this way and i just thought that there was something wrong with me. I kept feeling guilty for everything i said or did because he made me feel like i was smothering him and taking him for granted while all i wanted was for him to not do things that hurt my feelings, for him to not make me feel like a burden. I kept thinking that the last time i was genuinely happy was actually before i started dating this person but i always thought it was because of different circumstances and not because of him. However, 3 months post break up and after soooo many days of crying my eyes out after being blindsidedly dumped by him, i can finally see who he really was and how our relationship turned me into an anxious attcher....
He did you a favour. He left. Sending you ❤
@@shivakamiravichandran6723 you are right, thank you so much💕
This is exactly what happened to me too! I prioritized his feelings so much, not wanting to be a burden to him or hurting him, or being too much.. I apologized often thinking I was the problem.. but I was only addressing the pain he has caused me. In the end he decided to discard me via a text 2 months before our wedding.
@@annaleejung2 I am so sorry you are going through this but a pure and good soul like yours will truly find happinnes with people who do not leave you like that but who know how valuable and precious you are. Sending you lots of love❤️ It will get so much better🙏🏻
damn you’re good. this vid confined all i went thru with my wife of 30 years. the avoidant will empty the toolbox on you to “escape” the trap they feel they’re in. the gaslighting, projections, deflections, stonewalling & sandbagging is confusing & painful until you learn the tactics of the avoidant. the scar from this will remain with me forever. i’d be a fool to think it won’t effect future relationships but i now know what to look out for.
30 years?? God love ya! I thought I was going crazy after 6 years. I mean, why did I feel so ALONE in the relationship?
@IntellectualCandy-jd1dw I'm 8 yr in and trying to figure out what is happening.
the avoidance really began to take hold after our two sons were born,
particularly the second son. they needed for nothing & then i was discarded. doubt i’ll even hear from them on father’s day.
@@DanHoller-eb6xt damn, that's rough.
hatred is akin to a virus. it spreads uncontrollably without you knowing until it’s too late.
Hi Coach, you wrote this for me...
As I didn't know anything about avoidant attachment, I turned from secure to anxious when she discarded me, probably because emotional intimacy was growing, and I didn't know that could trigger this kind of reaction, because everything seemed to be fine, and she was talking about future plans together. I really thought I had found my twin flame, brain chemicals were flowing... till the discard.
Thank you for your help Coach, now I've stopped wondering what I could have made wrong, I know I did the right things, but with the wrong person.
Absolutely true. I was married to a severe covert narc. The discard turned divorce made me do a lot of work to recover and develop boundaries. I met someone about a year later who I thought was absolutely wonderful for me. Gave me what my ex never could have. But one day, she just pulled away and disappeared. It provoked so much anxiety. This happened about a month ago. The healing was intense but I’m coming out of the storm. Hang in there!
This happened to me, it was a rollercoaster. Definitely didnt know about attachment styles at all before this relationship
I used to think I was secure until I took an attachment style quiz...a few of them actually and tested FA. I test secure now, but that was after doing tons of work. By your theory, then an anxious can turn a secure person avoidant too no? I think if you're truly secure then one relationship will not turn you into a completely different attachment style. Unless you continue to date this same type repeatedly? You may lean anxious or avoidant with a particular partner, but once you date a secure leaning person you're generally fine again. That's been my experience at least.
Thank you! I appreciate you clarifying. My family told me it must be because I didn't heal after the Narc but I know I've made huge strides
This absolutely happened to me and now I have learnt I am now putting my boundaries back into place and centring myself again, which is incredibly hard because I still love and care about my avoidant ex but I can't keep going through this cycle every 7 or 8 months.
I've never even heard of a dismissive avoidant before. I have experience with a narcissist and a sociopath but never with a DA. He made me feel like I was in heaven and then left me in hell. I feel so deceived and now I don't think I can ever trust to love again. I thought he was God sent but boy was I wrong. Satan works in the most deceptive ways.
thats what happend to me.. only 6 months in this kind of relationship.. from secure to anxious and after the discard from her.. i did everything to get her back.. flowers, letters, to tell her how much i loved her.. only to get thnx but i need space and time.. give me that.. and maybe we can see in a couple of months how it goes.. I lost almost everything.. my work, friends, familie, car.. had to rebuild all connections again after it... the stupid thing is in my depressive months i stalked here, drove by her house or walked at the place.. just to see her and if she is alright.. but i got into problems with her neighbor and after that the police called me to leave her alone.. In all my life i never was so in love with somebody and put her on a pedestal.. foolish from me.. it almost took my life.. Now she is gone forever and i hoop she will have a good life.. Learned the lesson love is also letting go.. Now im gonna find myself again with therapie and psilocybine because of the traumabond with her.. Note to other people: See the red flags in the begining, know if somebody is ready for a relationship..
You sure she knew you went to her place? 😢
@@nyza-tu5nb yes.. first time she wanna to give me achance because of what i did. walked there to see her and her neighbor saw me.. she said: 3 months and i contact you and we speak, not for getting back together again,, but just to see how it goes.. But i was already depressed and was in therapie.. at home, not having a job, a mom who was mental sick.. alot of problems and i drove by again couple weeks later.. a few times.. she noticed, also her neighbor.. Didnt hear anything for 3 months from her.. then the 3 months passed by and drived again to her place.. just to see if she was home.. stupid of me because her neighbor saw me again.. wanna to speak to her.. but she blocked me again on whatsapp... i wanna know if she never wanna see me again.. but i was blocked again.. week later the police called me to leave her alone.. It traumatised me alot.. Dont get it, and will never get it.. Sure i was stupid but i didnt wanna hurt her.. jut to see her if she is oke and because of my love from her.. I will never understand what her feelings in the relationship was for me.. Now its al dead
Where are u going to get the psysilosbin I want some too for healing. Lmk @@GISW85
@@thewholeyoui think he's from Holland, seeing the misspellings. Over here they are legally available in smart shops. You might be able to order them online, Google "stoelendans deventer". They are very passionate people who will help you find the truffle that fits best with what you want to get out of them. There are numerous different types and they all have their own qualities. Do you have anyone around you who has experience with psychedelics? Otherwise I strongly advise doing your research on how to trip before you try them if you haven't done that already...
Particularly if you end up with a fearful avoidant omg
Exactly... And I'm speaking from my recent dating/break-up experience with one.
100% I'm living proof.
Truth.
Yes this was my ex husband I feel so bad he was secure I was I’m guessing at the time I was an FA but now I’m a dismissive avoidant and it’s been seven years of divorce. We were married 14 years. I feel really bad. He’s an amazing guy.
Now after the 6 year - 70 discard DA relationship I feel actually AVOIDANT with my current dates.
Coach you put out such high quality content that it feels like a crime that its free. Thank you
Edit: Not because you tell us what to do, but you explain the WHAT in a way that feels lived. Not the faux 'do this and get your ex back' nonsense that so many other 'coaches' put out.
So can a secure person become an avoidant if something in their life triggers them?
Thank you! I appreciate you clarifying. My family told me it must be because I didn't heal after the Narc but I know I've made huge strides