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this channel f***ing rocks. I swear to god you are helping us traumatized children get a shot at being normal well adjusted adults. THANK YOU FOR SHARING THIS PRICELESS INFORMATION!!!
Omg 😢 thank you for this quote! I can't even begin to articulate what it even means but it rings so true and makes me feel better about a dynamic I'm in currently. 💖
Omg from personality theory to metaphysics (astrology, tarot, esp in the digital age) you helped me understand why i am so obsessed with trying to understand who a person is without actually going through the risky organic process of getting to know them and letting them get to know me
I can relate. Always looking for the next model of explaining me myself and others. For me it's: when I can figure myself and everyone important out, then I can relax.
Wow, Heidi, as a lawyer and survivor of CPTSD, I'm blown away by your ability to present this topic in a nonjudgmental way, incorporating many different aspects of mental health recovery and showing positive steps for growth. Many of us survivors struggle every day (actually every moment) as we parent our children and strive for healthy adult relationships with friends and lovers. You rock!!!!
This explains why so much interaction between not securely attached people is essentially, defensive. We're not trying to understand the other person to meet their need we're just trying to avoid having our own need neglected. I remember being obsessed with personality theory years ago too :). Wanting to have a framework for everything. Feeling that gratification when things "fell into place"... I think it's also what people do these days when they classify other people as having disorders. Or hyperfocus on personality traits like being introverted. If I say I'm an introvert, then it's "ok" to feel x or do y (or not do y), otherwise, it's not ok. Our feelings were not validated by our caregivers, who were not attuned, so we have to find something outside of ourselves, labels, theories...to justify how we feel or don't feel, rather than treating our feelings as valid in themselves. Feelings do not need theories to be valid.
I was also obsessed with personality theory! I loveddd to classify others. It made me 'understand them' without actually converting or getting to know them. I would just type them rashly and believe I had them all figured out. In reality, I was being really weird and alienating everyone. I remember hardly getting along with coworkers because we simply weren't 'compatible' types. And yes, if you identified as an introvert, then it was okay if you completely kept to yourself and had difficulty making new friends or maintaining healthy relationships. Crazy to see now that I felt that way because my life lacked intimacy with others.
@@linds1233I think I was interested because It was genuinely interesting. (I also love solving crossword puzzles). When I started to lose interest, I can't pinpoint a time, but I think it was around noticing people were using personality type to justify behaviour, or to separate themselves from their behaviour, like "I am INFJ therefore I am always sensitive to others or empathetic". Not necessarily, you could be really selfish or unkind and have any personality type, or "I'm insensitive or I always say what I think without caring what people feel and it's because I have a xNTx personality type", no, your personality type doesn't make you a d*ck. It's the same with attachment style, people use it as a justification for behaviour rather than looking at the impact of what they're doing. "oh I didn't leave the relationship but I'm anxious attached", "oh I checked out, I'm avoidant", "they checked out/ didn't give me what I wanted so they must avoidant", we're just using all these labels to place ourselves in competing categories, like shields. "I'm an introvert, that's why I ignore texts". When we act badly towards others or towards ourselves, rather than being accountable for what we do, we find a label, even better if that label automatically absolves us (makes us the 'good guy') based on current social trends. And yeah it's crazy to think how much we justify. I have the benefit of life slapping me in the face enough times to have to go (to myself) ok you know what, whatever you call this, call it whatever you like, but the fact is, it ain't working for you. It doesn't matter what my attachment style is, if I'm extroverted, introverted, empathic, not empathic....if it ain't working, it ain't working. I can call myself the good guy or the bad guy or call other people good guys or bad guys, but it doesn't change the outcomes. If the outcomes aren't good or I'm not happy with the outcomes, it doesn't matter who's what, or what I think I am or don't think I am.
So true! Also I feel like, other than caregivers, the society is also constantly judging and traumatizing people. Take your introvert example, many feel so judged at workplace if they are not naturally social or outgoing. So we almost have to find an excuse for us to be ok to be who we are by depending on personality types.
This is what I’ve worked so hard on and couldn’t put into words what I was doing. It started way back when I had my first child. Raising him allowed me to start to raise myself. Showing myself the same love and kindness and care. My relationships are so healthy now, and I’m so proud of every single time I show up as myself, and allow others to do the same. Thank you for this video.
Currently struggling with a relationship with an insecurely attatched person who is great at listening to my thoughts and needs but doesnt let me hear or see theirs. I found out that they have been unhappy at work for years but "didnt want to burden me with it.". I feel so robbed if the chance to know and support this person. Its a terrible feeling, but this series has helped me understand the reason they did it. Idk how to move forward though. Thanks for all the marvelous insights!!!
thank u for wanting to listen to your friend's problems. i have never wanted to burden anyone w/my issues but the other person also didnt care enough to ask and was just using me. thanks for caring
My ex was the same way until she wrote a 5-page resentful letter criticizing me and comparing me to her abusive family. I had thought everything was fine, but for most of our relationship she built up resentment for me and projected all sorts of things onto me. If it sucks now and she's holding back, think about what will happen as this relationship advances in age.
Heidi! I feel so spoiled to have all these new recent videos coming out! Thanks for all your work. You make a difference in my life and how I show up!!! Thank you
You were offline for quite sometime only to come back so much stronger. Having studied insecure attachment for quite some time now, this is one of the best and essential for all who struggle with emotions and connections! ❤
Caroline Winkler came out with a video called “Psychotic dating advice that changed my life” and one of the tips she gave was that, if you’re someone who has trouble being authentic on dates, go on them pretending it was guaranteed the person would reject you at the end, not in that you assume they won’t like you or go in with a negative attitude or approach or try to repel the other person, but a detached approach, meaning, you eradicate any scripts or attachments to outcomes of the person liking you, because you’re pretending it’s guaranteed they won’t. In this way, you can make the focus truly being authentic, and not trying to make the person like you or have an interaction go a certain way, which allows you to actually be more present with the other person, since you’re not overly concerned with how you are coming across. I love that video and her channel, thank you once again for another banger of a video Heidi! 🎉
I find this script problematic. What if the date starts actually liking you?? Then you are in dissonance with the reality and the technique you followed in order to be authentic
@@Freyr94 Not really. In that scenario it would be more of a pleasant surprise that can be acted on accordingly. I would also recommend checking out the specific video; she does a lot better justice to the concept than I did in this comment. Anyway, you don't need to use it if it doesn't resonate with you. I just happened to really like it!
@@melodyelena I remember this one. caroline ftw. It's very similar to what I did when I found my forever-dude: I went on dozens of dates with the strict caveat that it was coffee only and they knew from the outset that I was looking for friends and hiking/climbing/surfing buddies only. I figured I would make a bunch if cool friends and maybe fall for one...which is precisely what happened 😂🎉
Thank you so much. Almost every time I watch your videos on attachment and true intimacy, my eyes swell up with tears. I mourn all the life that I had, not knowing myself and running away from other people. This incredible pain goes along with the joy of healing.
Hi Heidi. I felt so called out when you talked about strategy and analysis. I was so proud of my analytical skills and based all my interactions on that. I understand now why I'm so obsessed with dancing as it makes practice being present and attuned to the other. I intuitively felt I needed it and once I started I felt like it was the most important thing I had to do right now. It turned out my intuition was right. It is the most important skills I need to develop to be securely attached. Thanks so much for clarifying what had been going on in my life. I love you ❤ May you have deep, fulfilling and loving relationships as a reward for all your hard work.
I discovered your videos earlier this year and I cannot fully express how grateful I am that I did. Your ability to convey information in such an understandable and accessible way while still having tremendous depth is truly special. I know I’m not the only one who’s life has literally altered course from the impact you’ve had on us. Thank you for continuing to make these videos!
Omg, yesterday I was talking to my girlfriend about the ability to listen to each other. I am well aware that there is a lot I need to improve in this department, but watching this video today gave me so much material to work with. I've been sharing your videos with her and it's been very helpful to guide and improve our conversations on how to really know each other better, instead of clinging to our fantasies. Thank you very much, Priebe. People in Brazil love your videos too
19:12 🤯🤯🤯 Heidi, you brilliant soul, you just opened up a whole new way of relating for me! I didn't realize it until i heard you say that.... but i absolutely have been meticulously refining my strategy for being the perfect girlfriend/friend/coworker over the years - only to keep failing as i wasn't looking at the dynamics specific to that relationship with equal intensity. Thank you for sharing your wisdom 🙏 you are doing so much good in this world
The distinction you draw between attuned and misattuned caregiving is so valuable and rings so true. It's probably a point that needs to be heard and understood by anyone involved with raising a child, because while it's a subtle thing that's easily taken for granted, whether or not one's caregivers are attuned can have huge ripple effects across so many of the relationships across that child's whole life. I specifically appreciated the point you make about misattuned caregivers not necessarily being intentionally malicious or neglectful too (with many having the best intentions and making some kind of effort that doesn't amount to attunement). I'm certain that many fall into the trap of trying to substitute gifts or "providing the best opportunities" in place of being present for consistent mindful engagement with a child. This just ends up causing problems later on (speaking from experience, unfortunately. I never developed a real emotional vocabulary or any capacity to process emotions healthily until well into adulthood as a result of this exact thing).
I never had this consistently with any one caregiver, and now at 51; I (FINALLY) have learned enough about all the ‘fine tuning’ of this particular piece of the puzzle to finally know what it is I’ve been subconsciously searching for all my life. 😋☺️❣️
i needed this video so bad. ive been seeking help for so long even as a kid but i am only just now at 24 in a safe position and tbh i don’t know what to do with it. when im not around my abuser anymore and my reality confirms that i don’t have to be in fight or flight but i can’t stop freaking out, i end up fighting myself constantly for not being able to recognize im safe, leading me to feel like i don’t deserve it. Learning to reconcile the fact that the way I naturally want to move through the world will help me healthily attach with how terrible that’s gone for me in the past is so hard. Because i dont have stable internal sense of safety, i end up scaring myself like a groundhog with its own shadow. understanding that the reason i fight myself so much is because i had to teach myself to hide when i had a need helps me make sense of the fear i have when those needs do arise. ive been trying to “befriend the monster” of my trauma and its so much easier to communicate with it now. some will eat comfort foods when they are anxious, i relapse. understanding that, for me, relapsing isnt a moral failure but a indication i need more support helps me address the anxiety, not the compulsion so hopefully i can handle relapsing better the next time. this was just a little dump but idk this really got me. thank you!
OK but the next video needs to be about HOW to get out of the trauma brain so that we're not subconsciously slinking into analysis mode, and that we're actually staying present with the interaction, lol. Funny thing, I was just thinking about a person I thought I liked, that I was so focused on getting them to like me that I didn't realize *I* didn't like *them* all that much!
I agree, there's been so many times I was making excuses for people's behavior subconsciously without being aware that I was doing it. And there's so much resistance to attuning to oneself; it sets off our internal alarms. I love the book Becoming Safely Embodied by Dierdre Fay but have been unable to work through the skills myself; I just started an online course to go through the skills as a group with people and Heidi's recent videos, especially this one, really interleave with that perfectly!
16:48 me, who is still mending my avoidant attachment thinking “well, this doesn’t really apply to me” followed by Heidi dropping truth bombs Thank you so much for your content. Your channel has helped me heal my relationship with myself and strengthened my relationships with others.
Two things to add that might help others who may need to improve: 1) these strategies are long-term strategies… don’t be attached to outcome in certain situations especially if it’s a toxic one! 2) it’s a spectrum and situational; even securely attached people mess up or miss things, and they can also have their own significant biases from other issues (eg racism, being busy, being immersed in a certain culture like a work one). So you could be interacting with someone who is securely attached but then judging you in other ways because their goal is not attunement with you or they just don’t know you well yet. Also secure people can just be as unaware of others’ suffering as insecure. Such a great video though! A lot that I can think about and apply. Much thought and effort was put into clarity and concision, kudos.
Heidi you are incredible! I know I’m just a stranger on the internet, but when I tell you I’ve studied attachment style for a few years (mostly through consuming CZcams content) and this is by far the BEST and most digestible explanation of attachment styles and how they are formed - I am not messing around!! I am 35 years old and continually seeking knowledge to better understand my own patterns so that I can continue to better attract healthy relationships. Your teaching style is a perfect match for my learning style and I just wanted to share my gratitude with you. 🥰
I love how all this content helps me figure out what’s been going wrong, but I’ve all but written things off as hopeless for me at this point. I’m already too heady about everything as it is, and without being even more so, I just repeat the same cycles, and I’m already overwhelmed with how not natural being around other people is. It’s way less stressful just to be alone, it just sucks to have so many experiences I’d like to share with someone and can’t.
Heidi, your work in communicating these concepts is infinitely valuable. I wish I knew all this stuff when I was a lot younger. Even if all this amazing information can’t save my current relationship with my girlfriend, I absolutely know the relationship I have with myself is healing more than I ever thought possible. And I know that my future relationships will be all the better for it. Thank you so much.
@Heidi Priebe, you have no idea how timely this video is. 30 second version....I went through a bad breakup, got on a dating site, met Michaela, and 5 dates later, I really like this woman. She makes me laugh. I make her laugh. We have barely kissed but she's coming over to spend the night on Saturday. We are going to take the dogs to the dog park. Cook fajitas and guacamole. Drink some wine. Watch movies. And I don't want to think beyond that. She has been hurt be she is so strong. Her ex tried to choke her out. He's in jail and she without prompting told me outright that she would never consider going back to him. But she is also very forgiving. I know it looks a certain way that you might think "red flag" "red flag" but after my last relationship and me ignoring all of the red flags, I have been keenly observing. I like what you were saying about being in the moment. We don't text that much. We do talk on the phone every night now and without fail, we talk about the serious things of life but we manage to make each other laugh in the midst of it. I think we both have been so hurt in the past and all we can do now is trust that the other will not intentionally hurt the other. We don't treat each other with kid gloves and that is refreshing. We tend to tease each other a lot. She sends me pictures of her wearing a lace tank top like shirt that reveals her shoulders and it drives me crazy. Her shoulders are so kissable. She doesn't have a perfect body and neither do I. I'm 62 and she's 57. So this ain't our first rodeo. I think after watching your video, I'm going to just stay in the moment with her. Just observe, and just watch her every movement and listen intently to every word. This is one of those things where you keep asking yourself, when is something going to go wrong.....and it doesn't?
Psychologist and psychotherapist here. That was the best (clear, comprehensive, understandable) description of attachment and attunement I've ever seen. You are an astonishing communicator and I'm so grateful for your work. This is the first of your videos I've seen and I look forward to the rest. Thank you so much for helping me and so many others.
Absolutely amazing talk on a subject I've been seeking clarification on for a long time. Attunement is so central to intimacy, but too often overlooked and left out of talks on the subject.
Speaking this aloud, that secure connections still do not guarantee permanence. Connections with others may still be for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. My experience has gotten better the more I allow and not push, as difficult as it can be. Spiritual practices toward loving detachment have helped.
This spoke to me the exact thing I am going thru. I have a childhood trauma caused by neglect and loss of freedom. I noticed that even a secure relationship can trigger me and I go back to projecting and fitting that person into boxes as a way to survive. I vary between anxious and avoidant. I push myself to try to fit into boxes out of fear of abandonment. I am unlearning and loving securely is really beautiful. Thank you so much!
Dang…your comment about being interested in personality typology and trying to “figure out” other people struck a chord with me. I’ve always thought that I had a more anxious attachment because I’ve been toxically attracted to emotionally unavailable men, but the more that I learn, I’m seeing that I may actually be more avoidant. Many of your videos resonate for me. Heidi, thank you for sharing your expertise.
but people are manipulative and sometimes what they’re presenting is completely for show. if i just experience what they’re presenting then i’m susceptible to hurt i could’ve avoid by being a bit skeptical. hurt doesn’t scare me, it’s the imbalanced emotions i experience due to the hurt. it’s hard to just enjoy someone when you know that it could be a facade
The "background scripts" is so on point. I stumbled and rambled around trying to explain that concept to my therapist and I don't think they understood.
This is an absolutely amazing channel, I've got to say!! Every video I watch gets to the heart of a lot of things for me. Things I was aware I had blind spots about.
Heidi, Thank you. This is one of your best videos for it's content. And also, thank you for the pacing. It left me enough time and space to really apply what you were explaining, to see how it resonates with me. And it does. It feels almost like we are in dialogue, because each video is running just ahead of my being ready to grasp the concepts. I start wondering something, and your next video addresses it. You are a gift. (Or I owe you a lot of money!! You help SO MUCH!!)
Heidi, I’ve watched so many of your videos, many of them on repeat. Every time I watch you help me to reveal another blind spot and more importantly, how I can adapt to a more helpful way of being. In this video, you explained why i’m so flippin analytical and strategic in my relationships. I’m always exhausted after social interactions, no wonder, with all the scripts i’m running in my head and trying to fit everyone into these scripts. I started on this journey because I didn’t want my daughter to go through life struggling like I did, Im sure that with the help of your videos I can support myself and my daughter to become confident and comfortable in our relationships. Please keep doing your videos and spreading your message because there are so many of us who are grateful for the work you are doing 😊
Wow this might be your best video yet Heidi! I feel like until now I've understood my attachment style and how to do that work internally, but have struggled as to what the next steps after that are. This will help a lot in actually taking concrete action and showing up differently in my interactions. Thank you!!
Growing up as a woman, both my parents were barely emotionally attuned, so I struggled to understand myself WHILE trying to understand everybody else why they treat me the way they treat me, and why things happen for a reason. I have issues of being insecurely attached to certain people, when they do show some sort of effort physical and emotional state. As of last year, I'm only focused on trying to work on myself to be with this man who I think could be the one but is also probably going through things of his own. I hope he realizes I'm trying to be there for him for the both of us.
Please pardon the interjection on this public forum. Just a note of caution that your recovery of a whole self must be for you (and between you and your Higher Power). Other people need to do their own intrapersonal and soul work to be relieved of their burdens. In other words, one person cannot heal two. Perhaps I misinterpreted your exact comment but hopefully there's something of use for you in mine. ✌ 🙏🏿
As usual, this is timed so perfectly. I've just started an online course to practice the skills from the book "Becoming Safely Embodied" by Dierdre Fay (which is at the top of my list for favorite books I read in 2023). As I try to learn to attune to myself and contact my feelings, the first thing I notice is how much resistance and fear there is about doing this (not to mention how deeply my feelings are repressed). You speak so beautifully of how this situation arises and echo Dierdre's words about practicing over and over again. Thank you so much.
Wow yeah I’ve used so many different mental models (personality type and astrology mainly) to categorize people and try to understand them. Thanks for putting that into words. I had no idea that this is actually an insecure attachment response. Thank you too for what you continue to do in teaching attachment styles and helping people heal 🙏🏾
Wow, I love all your videos but this one is definitely the one that resonates the most. Thank you for giving such clear definitions, examples and then tools to healing. You have no idea how helpful you’ve been to my growth. Forever grateful ❤👐🏼
I can't thank you enough for the videos you make. They were invaluable for me. One thing I hope you might cover in the future, or respond to this message with an answer or direct me to one of your other videos is - how to not confuse truth, authenticity with chickening out of relationship because of possible fear of intimacy. For context of what I specifically mean - it is absolutely true for me that I want to get out, I am telling myself that it is because I think I am not in love with this person, because whenever I get intimate with her I feel mortified and just go into shutdown calculation mode. Also it feels as if I am missing out on life, as if there's someone out there I will feel truly connected with, intimate with without fear. But to tell her the truth and get intimacy means risking losing her. Which paradoxically I really don't want to happen.
Thank you, Heidi! These videos have been so eye opening for me in viewing my own behaviors and my experiences with others with clarity. I am so grateful there is a path for healing.
This was helpful, I tried being attuned in person n I was the other person my quiet friend took notice of. People really do feel ur vibe so don't be too stuck in ur head or it really affects attraction 😅
Thank you, Heidi! I am relatively new to your channel, but, like most everyone else in the comments section, the significance, relevance and wisdom of your insights are practically impossible to overstate. My immediate response is almost always. Who can I share this video with who needs it and who will truly benefit from understanding it? The irony is, as you so astutely and elegantly point out, it starts with me, ergo I am that person who can & will benefit the most. Thank you, Heidi. You are making a huge impact… and a very positive one at that. Andrew
This is such amazing content. As a person that grew up in a strict military, highly religious and Black household, I'm learning how avoidant I became to survive and how much I needed that attentive/attuned person in my childhood.
Second time watching, these videos are SO RICH its like a decadent dessert. Even as an overthinker I am still glossing over things and needing to rewatch regularly. Also the human mind likes to forget. Thanks for all the amazing videos and creating more regularly, you have grown so amazingly even just from external perspective from an internet stranger.
I appreciate how you're able to hit the mark with attunement. I hope you are aware of the amazing talent you are able to share by solifiying these concepts. Very helpful!
I love how you broke this down, Heidi. It was helpful to get a deeper understanding of why things like hypervigilance can happen. But it also showed me that I've come a long way thanks to therapy and the many other healing tools I've been utilizing in recent years! On my way to secure attachment, getting a little better every day 🎉🎉🎉
10:00 oh my god! I am doing this since my childhood. I assess people way before they even striked the conversation with me. Even I assess why they act the way they act. There's a constant analysis session going on inside my head. Even I predict how that person will treat me long-term. Thank you so much for the video. I was looking for it something similar for long. Your content impacted my perspective a lot💗.
The video you make and the work you do are golden! Thankful for the amount of time you're putting into this and making an effort to share again and again. Keep it up, you influence people in a great way!
This content really resonates with me. It has me reflecting on the type of caregivers I’ve had in my developmental years as a child and adolescent. It’s given me a lot to think about, then, now, and how to move forward as a better in tuned and aware person in relationships.
Brilliant video, im going to have yo listen again. The only thing i would add, as a caution, is attunement can only be achieved, and safely sought after, when there is underlying trust in the other person. If they are abusive, striving for attunement could be downright dangerous.
This was explained in such a clear and plain way. Very much appreciate it!! it's turned my day around and hopefully I'll keep these lessons in mind for a good while!!
This is incredibly helpful and well presented Heidi, thank you for all that you are doing! I am also SUPER curious about how neurodivergence can intertwine and overlap with these concepts. As someone with ADHD I am aware my insecure attachment affects connecting but also "masking" when interacting with more neurotypical people is necessary sometimes, especially in work environments. My partner is securely attached and on the Autism spectrum and I've learned a lot from how he just presents himself authentically with friends and keeps close friendships with people who accept him for who he is.
Really concise and well explained! And also wonderful to look back on my (now healthy) relationships and see that I somehow figured out attunement without ever learning it from my family.
Yes! Loved that you hit on your past with personality theory because I was very much the same way. Glad the journey has brought me back to a place of presence and curiosity. Such a great video!
Thank you Heidi. This has come at perfect timing for me - as I attempt to improve certain relationships in my life. Now to work on these tools w/ patience will hopefully create some much needed positive changes! 🙏🙏❤️
Thank you Heidi. Another brilliant video deepening my understanding of how I relate with the people in my world. Your work enriches your audiences lives in the most valuable ways ❤
Randomly got your video recommended, and when you said „Hi I’m Heidi Priebe“ I literally screamed „Heidiiiii“!! 😁 I bought your ENFP book back then after your articles helped me understand myself better, and have loved it throughout the years, I kept coming back to it and it was a big key in finding to myself I had also stumbled across your articles about limerance some months ago, but didn’t know you had a whole channel! Thank you for all these beautiful things you’re sharing 😊 (I also make CZcams videos, maybe you like them haha, also wanna make a video on how I healed my limerance in an afternoon!)
Your comparison has been most helpful, thanks. It must get complicated when one parent is emotionally unavailable while the other parent is the soul source of emotional security.
ahh the personality theory is so true i’ve started getting obsessed with mbti lately even with putting myself in that box and others and then analysing how they and even i fit their/my box well whicheven led me to think that i am an “infj” so i must always be observing people and putting them into categories to fit into my box of infj.. maybe because i gave that mbti more identity of who i am
I think your experience is understandable/relatable. I went to something similar ages ago. I was experimenting with the new information (the types). I obsessed too maybe because of the internal emotion of hope. Like when playing a video game a🎮 and looking around and others have advanced to other levels and finally the realization I AM IN A DIFFERENT GAME 😬😹and I will find a way unto the next level type of hope 💪🏼🧗🏻(… also I started to suspect my parents and I spoke a different language and the process of healing my unfulfilled expectations entered the room).
Thank you! Another brilliant and useful talk. I know what I've been doing out of survival adaptation, what I've repaired and is going well in the meantime, as well as what I can tweak and add to further develop a sense of being secure. Not only with others, but myself as well.
Please Note: I do not have a telegram account and will not contact you privately for any reason. If someone reaches out to you based on a comment you have left claiming to be me, this is a fraudulent account.
Amazing how that happens. They are all over the Lufthansa website, which works since Lufthansa is so far behind in giving refunds.
this channel f***ing rocks. I swear to god you are helping us traumatized children get a shot at being normal well adjusted adults.
THANK YOU FOR SHARING THIS PRICELESS INFORMATION!!!
Well summarized 👍
💙
“The only way to truly know a person is to love them without hope.” - Walter Benjamin
Omg 😢 thank you for this quote! I can't even begin to articulate what it even means but it rings so true and makes me feel better about a dynamic I'm in currently. 💖
‘ He was a total flirt and never at home’
Walter Benjamin’s wife
@@goldilocks913😅🙏🏾
@@goldilocks913exactly. Sounds like a player.
brilliant. How is that for radical presence?
Omg from personality theory to metaphysics (astrology, tarot, esp in the digital age) you helped me understand why i am so obsessed with trying to understand who a person is without actually going through the risky organic process of getting to know them and letting them get to know me
risky?
I would like to also not feel it as risky
Exactly!
Omg, thank you for voicing what I feel and helping me realize I'm not the only one!!!
I can relate. Always looking for the next model of explaining me myself and others. For me it's: when I can figure myself and everyone important out, then I can relax.
Wow, Heidi, as a lawyer and survivor of CPTSD, I'm blown away by your ability to present this topic in a nonjudgmental way, incorporating many different aspects of mental health recovery and showing positive steps for growth. Many of us survivors struggle every day (actually every moment) as we parent our children and strive for healthy adult relationships with friends and lovers. You rock!!!!
This explains why so much interaction between not securely attached people is essentially, defensive. We're not trying to understand the other person to meet their need we're just trying to avoid having our own need neglected.
I remember being obsessed with personality theory years ago too :). Wanting to have a framework for everything. Feeling that gratification when things "fell into place"... I think it's also what people do these days when they classify other people as having disorders. Or hyperfocus on personality traits like being introverted. If I say I'm an introvert, then it's "ok" to feel x or do y (or not do y), otherwise, it's not ok. Our feelings were not validated by our caregivers, who were not attuned, so we have to find something outside of ourselves, labels, theories...to justify how we feel or don't feel, rather than treating our feelings as valid in themselves. Feelings do not need theories to be valid.
I was also obsessed with personality theory! I loveddd to classify others. It made me 'understand them' without actually converting or getting to know them. I would just type them rashly and believe I had them all figured out. In reality, I was being really weird and alienating everyone. I remember hardly getting along with coworkers because we simply weren't 'compatible' types. And yes, if you identified as an introvert, then it was okay if you completely kept to yourself and had difficulty making new friends or maintaining healthy relationships. Crazy to see now that I felt that way because my life lacked intimacy with others.
@@linds1233I think I was interested because It was genuinely interesting. (I also love solving crossword puzzles). When I started to lose interest, I can't pinpoint a time, but I think it was around noticing people were using personality type to justify behaviour, or to separate themselves from their behaviour, like "I am INFJ therefore I am always sensitive to others or empathetic". Not necessarily, you could be really selfish or unkind and have any personality type, or "I'm insensitive or I always say what I think without caring what people feel and it's because I have a xNTx personality type", no, your personality type doesn't make you a d*ck. It's the same with attachment style, people use it as a justification for behaviour rather than looking at the impact of what they're doing. "oh I didn't leave the relationship but I'm anxious attached", "oh I checked out, I'm avoidant", "they checked out/ didn't give me what I wanted so they must avoidant", we're just using all these labels to place ourselves in competing categories, like shields. "I'm an introvert, that's why I ignore texts". When we act badly towards others or towards ourselves, rather than being accountable for what we do, we find a label, even better if that label automatically absolves us (makes us the 'good guy') based on current social trends.
And yeah it's crazy to think how much we justify. I have the benefit of life slapping me in the face enough times to have to go (to myself) ok you know what, whatever you call this, call it whatever you like, but the fact is, it ain't working for you. It doesn't matter what my attachment style is, if I'm extroverted, introverted, empathic, not empathic....if it ain't working, it ain't working. I can call myself the good guy or the bad guy or call other people good guys or bad guys, but it doesn't change the outcomes. If the outcomes aren't good or I'm not happy with the outcomes, it doesn't matter who's what, or what I think I am or don't think I am.
So true! Also I feel like, other than caregivers, the society is also constantly judging and traumatizing people. Take your introvert example, many feel so judged at workplace if they are not naturally social or outgoing. So we almost have to find an excuse for us to be ok to be who we are by depending on personality types.
This is what I’ve worked so hard on and couldn’t put into words what I was doing. It started way back when I had my first child. Raising him allowed me to start to raise myself. Showing myself the same love and kindness and care. My relationships are so healthy now, and I’m so proud of every single time I show up as myself, and allow others to do the same.
Thank you for this video.
Currently struggling with a relationship with an insecurely attatched person who is great at listening to my thoughts and needs but doesnt let me hear or see theirs. I found out that they have been unhappy at work for years but "didnt want to burden me with it.". I feel so robbed if the chance to know and support this person. Its a terrible feeling, but this series has helped me understand the reason they did it. Idk how to move forward though. Thanks for all the marvelous insights!!!
thank u for wanting to listen to your friend's problems. i have never wanted to burden anyone w/my issues but the other person also didnt care enough to ask and was just using me. thanks for caring
smart man. he knows you will dump him at the first sign of rough waters
@@Kyleforthe3SIKEwhat a delightful comment. I haven't run for 25 years. Loyalty doesn't run.
@@Ark-ys2upso very, very true 😂
My ex was the same way until she wrote a 5-page resentful letter criticizing me and comparing me to her abusive family. I had thought everything was fine, but for most of our relationship she built up resentment for me and projected all sorts of things onto me. If it sucks now and she's holding back, think about what will happen as this relationship advances in age.
Heidi! I feel so spoiled to have all these new recent videos coming out! Thanks for all your work. You make a difference in my life and how I show up!!! Thank you
❤🧡💛💚💙💜🖤
You were offline for quite sometime only to come back so much stronger. Having studied insecure attachment for quite some time now, this is one of the best and essential for all who struggle with emotions and connections! ❤
Caroline Winkler came out with a video called “Psychotic dating advice that changed my life” and one of the tips she gave was that, if you’re someone who has trouble being authentic on dates, go on them pretending it was guaranteed the person would reject you at the end, not in that you assume they won’t like you or go in with a negative attitude or approach or try to repel the other person, but a detached approach, meaning, you eradicate any scripts or attachments to outcomes of the person liking you, because you’re pretending it’s guaranteed they won’t. In this way, you can make the focus truly being authentic, and not trying to make the person like you or have an interaction go a certain way, which allows you to actually be more present with the other person, since you’re not overly concerned with how you are coming across. I love that video and her channel, thank you once again for another banger of a video Heidi! 🎉
I find this script problematic. What if the date starts actually liking you?? Then you are in dissonance with the reality and the technique you followed in order to be authentic
@@Freyr94 Not really. In that scenario it would be more of a pleasant surprise that can be acted on accordingly. I would also recommend checking out the specific video; she does a lot better justice to the concept than I did in this comment. Anyway, you don't need to use it if it doesn't resonate with you. I just happened to really like it!
@@melodyelena I remember this one. caroline ftw. It's very similar to what I did when I found my forever-dude: I went on dozens of dates with the strict caveat that it was coffee only and they knew from the outset that I was looking for friends and hiking/climbing/surfing buddies only. I figured I would make a bunch if cool friends and maybe fall for one...which is precisely what happened 😂🎉
Thank you so much. Almost every time I watch your videos on attachment and true intimacy, my eyes swell up with tears. I mourn all the life that I had, not knowing myself and running away from other people. This incredible pain goes along with the joy of healing.
Same- sometimes I have to take a break bc the information triggers such deep emotional healing.. which means- feeling everything that comes up. 🥲
Hi Heidi. I felt so called out when you talked about strategy and analysis. I was so proud of my analytical skills and based all my interactions on that. I understand now why I'm so obsessed with dancing as it makes practice being present and attuned to the other. I intuitively felt I needed it and once I started I felt like it was the most important thing I had to do right now. It turned out my intuition was right. It is the most important skills I need to develop to be securely attached. Thanks so much for clarifying what had been going on in my life. I love you ❤ May you have deep, fulfilling and loving relationships as a reward for all your hard work.
I discovered your videos earlier this year and I cannot fully express how grateful I am that I did. Your ability to convey information in such an understandable and accessible way while still having tremendous depth is truly special. I know I’m not the only one who’s life has literally altered course from the impact you’ve had on us. Thank you for continuing to make these videos!
Omg, yesterday I was talking to my girlfriend about the ability to listen to each other. I am well aware that there is a lot I need to improve in this department, but watching this video today gave me so much material to work with. I've been sharing your videos with her and it's been very helpful to guide and improve our conversations on how to really know each other better, instead of clinging to our fantasies. Thank you very much, Priebe. People in Brazil love your videos too
19:12 🤯🤯🤯
Heidi, you brilliant soul, you just opened up a whole new way of relating for me! I didn't realize it until i heard you say that.... but i absolutely have been meticulously refining my strategy for being the perfect girlfriend/friend/coworker over the years - only to keep failing as i wasn't looking at the dynamics specific to that relationship with equal intensity.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom 🙏 you are doing so much good in this world
I love how you termed “interpersonal flow” between two people. That sounds nice
The distinction you draw between attuned and misattuned caregiving is so valuable and rings so true.
It's probably a point that needs to be heard and understood by anyone involved with raising a child, because while it's a subtle thing that's easily taken for granted, whether or not one's caregivers are attuned can have huge ripple effects across so many of the relationships across that child's whole life.
I specifically appreciated the point you make about misattuned caregivers not necessarily being intentionally malicious or neglectful too (with many having the best intentions and making some kind of effort that doesn't amount to attunement). I'm certain that many fall into the trap of trying to substitute gifts or "providing the best opportunities" in place of being present for consistent mindful engagement with a child. This just ends up causing problems later on (speaking from experience, unfortunately. I never developed a real emotional vocabulary or any capacity to process emotions healthily until well into adulthood as a result of this exact thing).
❤
You are, by a longshot, the most intelligent person I ever witnessed in my entire life.
I never had this consistently with any one caregiver, and now at 51; I (FINALLY) have learned enough about all the ‘fine tuning’ of this particular piece of the puzzle to finally know what it is I’ve been subconsciously searching for all my life. 😋☺️❣️
i needed this video so bad. ive been seeking help for so long even as a kid but i am only just now at 24 in a safe position and tbh i don’t know what to do with it. when im not around my abuser anymore and my reality confirms that i don’t have to be in fight or flight but i can’t stop freaking out, i end up fighting myself constantly for not being able to recognize im safe, leading me to feel like i don’t deserve it.
Learning to reconcile the fact that the way I naturally want to move through the world will help me healthily attach with how terrible that’s gone for me in the past is so hard. Because i dont have stable internal sense of safety, i end up scaring myself like a groundhog with its own shadow.
understanding that the reason i fight myself so much is because i had to teach myself to hide when i had a need helps me make sense of the fear i have when those needs do arise. ive been trying to “befriend the monster” of my trauma and its so much easier to communicate with it now.
some will eat comfort foods when they are anxious, i relapse. understanding that, for me, relapsing isnt a moral failure but a indication i need more support helps me address the anxiety, not the compulsion so hopefully i can handle relapsing better the next time.
this was just a little dump but idk this really got me. thank you!
Well said
Atunment.... this is so hard. Presence and curiosity vs strategy and analysis. wow! Thank you for all your content.
OK but the next video needs to be about HOW to get out of the trauma brain so that we're not subconsciously slinking into analysis mode, and that we're actually staying present with the interaction, lol.
Funny thing, I was just thinking about a person I thought I liked, that I was so focused on getting them to like me that I didn't realize *I* didn't like *them* all that much!
I agree, there's been so many times I was making excuses for people's behavior subconsciously without being aware that I was doing it. And there's so much resistance to attuning to oneself; it sets off our internal alarms. I love the book Becoming Safely Embodied by Dierdre Fay but have been unable to work through the skills myself; I just started an online course to go through the skills as a group with people and Heidi's recent videos, especially this one, really interleave with that perfectly!
@@jennw6809 Me too! With the making excuses for others' hurtful behaviors.
Adding that to my reading list...
@@georockstar09 it's crazy, isn't it? What our mind can do in the background? Sending support and well wishes to you ❤
You should look up some videos on internal family systems therapy. It addresses how to work with the trauma brain.
16:48 me, who is still mending my avoidant attachment thinking “well, this doesn’t really apply to me” followed by Heidi dropping truth bombs
Thank you so much for your content. Your channel has helped me heal my relationship with myself and strengthened my relationships with others.
Two things to add that might help others who may need to improve: 1) these strategies are long-term strategies… don’t be attached to outcome in certain situations especially if it’s a toxic one! 2) it’s a spectrum and situational; even securely attached people mess up or miss things, and they can also have their own significant biases from other issues (eg racism, being busy, being immersed in a certain culture like a work one). So you could be interacting with someone who is securely attached but then judging you in other ways because their goal is not attunement with you or they just don’t know you well yet. Also secure people can just be as unaware of others’ suffering as insecure.
Such a great video though! A lot that I can think about and apply. Much thought and effort was put into clarity and concision, kudos.
the added visuals are SUUUUUPER helpful for different learning styles!!
A divinely appointed human. Heaven sent. And I mean this in the most grounded, authentic not very religious but spiritual way!
Heidi you are incredible! I know I’m just a stranger on the internet, but when I tell you I’ve studied attachment style for a few years (mostly through consuming CZcams content) and this is by far the BEST and most digestible explanation of attachment styles and how they are formed - I am not messing around!! I am 35 years old and continually seeking knowledge to better understand my own patterns so that I can continue to better attract healthy relationships. Your teaching style is a perfect match for my learning style and I just wanted to share my gratitude with you. 🥰
This is one of the rare YoTube channels I watch at .75 speed because the facts hit so hard.
I love how all this content helps me figure out what’s been going wrong, but I’ve all but written things off as hopeless for me at this point. I’m already too heady about everything as it is, and without being even more so, I just repeat the same cycles, and I’m already overwhelmed with how not natural being around other people is. It’s way less stressful just to be alone, it just sucks to have so many experiences I’d like to share with someone and can’t.
Heidi, your work in communicating these concepts is infinitely valuable. I wish I knew all this stuff when I was a lot younger.
Even if all this amazing information can’t save my current relationship with my girlfriend, I absolutely know the relationship I have with myself is healing more than I ever thought possible. And I know that my future relationships will be all the better for it.
Thank you so much.
Are you consciously talking slower? I used to slow the vids down and now I don’t. It’s calming ❤
@Heidi Priebe, you have no idea how timely this video is. 30 second version....I went through a bad breakup, got on a dating site, met Michaela, and 5 dates later, I really like this woman. She makes me laugh. I make her laugh. We have barely kissed but she's coming over to spend the night on Saturday. We are going to take the dogs to the dog park. Cook fajitas and guacamole. Drink some wine. Watch movies. And I don't want to think beyond that. She has been hurt be she is so strong. Her ex tried to choke her out. He's in jail and she without prompting told me outright that she would never consider going back to him. But she is also very forgiving. I know it looks a certain way that you might think "red flag" "red flag" but after my last relationship and me ignoring all of the red flags, I have been keenly observing. I like what you were saying about being in the moment. We don't text that much. We do talk on the phone every night now and without fail, we talk about the serious things of life but we manage to make each other laugh in the midst of it. I think we both have been so hurt in the past and all we can do now is trust that the other will not intentionally hurt the other. We don't treat each other with kid gloves and that is refreshing. We tend to tease each other a lot. She sends me pictures of her wearing a lace tank top like shirt that reveals her shoulders and it drives me crazy. Her shoulders are so kissable. She doesn't have a perfect body and neither do I. I'm 62 and she's 57. So this ain't our first rodeo. I think after watching your video, I'm going to just stay in the moment with her. Just observe, and just watch her every movement and listen intently to every word. This is one of those things where you keep asking yourself, when is something going to go wrong.....and it doesn't?
Bruh that’s 3 mins version. Haha. But yeah, all the best!
Psychologist and psychotherapist here. That was the best (clear, comprehensive, understandable) description of attachment and attunement I've ever seen. You are an astonishing communicator and I'm so grateful for your work. This is the first of your videos I've seen and I look forward to the rest. Thank you so much for helping me and so many others.
You're my new hero. That was fire....You just summed up the neuroses of several people I know in under an hour. Well done.
Absolutely amazing talk on a subject I've been seeking clarification on for a long time. Attunement is so central to intimacy, but too often overlooked and left out of talks on the subject.
Speaking this aloud, that secure connections still do not guarantee permanence. Connections with others may still be for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. My experience has gotten better the more I allow and not push, as difficult as it can be. Spiritual practices toward loving detachment have helped.
Your videos continue to be such great anchors for my progress and growth. Thank you again, Heidi!
Your channel is next-level. It hits home for me in a way that others don't. Tysm and keep up the amazing work. You are helping so many people!!!!!
This spoke to me the exact thing I am going thru.
I have a childhood trauma caused by neglect and loss of freedom.
I noticed that even a secure relationship can trigger me and I go back to projecting and fitting that person into boxes as a way to survive. I vary between anxious and avoidant. I push myself to try to fit into boxes out of fear of abandonment.
I am unlearning and loving securely is really beautiful.
Thank you so much!
Dang…your comment about being interested in personality typology and trying to “figure out” other people struck a chord with me. I’ve always thought that I had a more anxious attachment because I’ve been toxically attracted to emotionally unavailable men, but the more that I learn, I’m seeing that I may actually be more avoidant. Many of your videos resonate for me.
Heidi, thank you for sharing your expertise.
but people are manipulative and sometimes what they’re presenting is completely for show. if i just experience what they’re presenting then i’m susceptible to hurt i could’ve avoid by being a bit skeptical. hurt doesn’t scare me, it’s the imbalanced emotions i experience due to the hurt. it’s hard to just enjoy someone when you know that it could be a facade
Maybe stronger boundaries are needed to keep the right distance, until the real game in play with that person becomes clearer...
You are so darn good at talking. Fabulous presentation.
The "background scripts" is so on point. I stumbled and rambled around trying to explain that concept to my therapist and I don't think they understood.
This is an absolutely amazing channel, I've got to say!! Every video I watch gets to the heart of a lot of things for me. Things I was aware I had blind spots about.
Heidi, I genuinely think this is the best, most interesting, most meticulous video ever made, across all categories and time spans.
Heidi, Thank you. This is one of your best videos for it's content. And also, thank you for the pacing. It left me enough time and space to really apply what you were explaining, to see how it resonates with me. And it does. It feels almost like we are in dialogue, because each video is running just ahead of my being ready to grasp the concepts. I start wondering something, and your next video addresses it. You are a gift. (Or I owe you a lot of money!! You help SO MUCH!!)
Heidi, I’ve watched so many of your videos, many of them on repeat. Every time I watch you help me to reveal another blind spot and more importantly, how I can adapt to a more helpful way of being. In this video, you explained why i’m so flippin analytical and strategic in my relationships. I’m always exhausted after social interactions, no wonder, with all the scripts i’m running in my head and trying to fit everyone into these scripts.
I started on this journey because I didn’t want my daughter to go through life struggling like I did, Im sure that with the help of your videos I can support myself and my daughter to become confident and comfortable in our relationships.
Please keep doing your videos and spreading your message because there are so many of us who are grateful for the work you are doing 😊
Wow this might be your best video yet Heidi! I feel like until now I've understood my attachment style and how to do that work internally, but have struggled as to what the next steps after that are. This will help a lot in actually taking concrete action and showing up differently in my interactions. Thank you!!
This has blown my mind, I didn't know you're not supposed to do this. I am going to watch this every day this week.
Growing up as a woman, both my parents were barely emotionally attuned, so I struggled to understand myself WHILE trying to understand everybody else why they treat me the way they treat me, and why things happen for a reason. I have issues of being insecurely attached to certain people, when they do show some sort of effort physical and emotional state.
As of last year, I'm only focused on trying to work on myself to be with this man who I think could be the one but is also probably going through things of his own. I hope he realizes I'm trying to be there for him for the both of us.
Please pardon the interjection on this public forum. Just a note of caution that your recovery of a whole self must be for you (and between you and your Higher Power). Other people need to do their own intrapersonal and soul work to be relieved of their burdens.
In other words, one person cannot heal two.
Perhaps I misinterpreted your exact comment but hopefully there's something of use for you in mine. ✌ 🙏🏿
As usual, this is timed so perfectly. I've just started an online course to practice the skills from the book "Becoming Safely Embodied" by Dierdre Fay (which is at the top of my list for favorite books I read in 2023). As I try to learn to attune to myself and contact my feelings, the first thing I notice is how much resistance and fear there is about doing this (not to mention how deeply my feelings are repressed). You speak so beautifully of how this situation arises and echo Dierdre's words about practicing over and over again. Thank you so much.
Wow yeah I’ve used so many different mental models (personality type and astrology mainly) to categorize people and try to understand them. Thanks for putting that into words. I had no idea that this is actually an insecure attachment response.
Thank you too for what you continue to do in teaching attachment styles and helping people heal 🙏🏾
Super useful. I connect with your comment a lot. I also used personality types and astrology.
Wow, I love all your videos but this one is definitely the one that resonates the most. Thank you for giving such clear definitions, examples and then tools to healing. You have no idea how helpful you’ve been to my growth. Forever grateful ❤👐🏼
I can't thank you enough for the videos you make. They were invaluable for me.
One thing I hope you might cover in the future, or respond to this message with an answer or direct me to one of your other videos is - how to not confuse truth, authenticity with chickening out of relationship because of possible fear of intimacy.
For context of what I specifically mean - it is absolutely true for me that I want to get out, I am telling myself that it is because I think I am not in love with this person, because whenever I get intimate with her I feel mortified and just go into shutdown calculation mode. Also it feels as if I am missing out on life, as if there's someone out there I will feel truly connected with, intimate with without fear. But to tell her the truth and get intimacy means risking losing her. Which paradoxically I really don't want to happen.
Thank you, Heidi! These videos have been so eye opening for me in viewing my own behaviors and my experiences with others with clarity. I am so grateful there is a path for healing.
This was helpful, I tried being attuned in person n I was the other person my quiet friend took notice of. People really do feel ur vibe so don't be too stuck in ur head or it really affects attraction 😅
Thank you, Heidi! I am relatively new to your channel, but, like most everyone else in the comments section, the significance, relevance and wisdom of your insights are practically impossible to overstate. My immediate response is almost always. Who can I share this video with who needs it and who will truly benefit from understanding it? The irony is, as you so astutely and elegantly point out, it starts with me, ergo I am that person who can & will benefit the most. Thank you, Heidi. You are making a huge impact… and a very positive one at that. Andrew
Heidi, as always, hitting the nail on the head! Not me watching her videos and taking actual notes in my notebook! She serves masterclasses!!
This is such amazing content. As a person that grew up in a strict military, highly religious and Black household, I'm learning how avoidant I became to survive and how much I needed that attentive/attuned person in my childhood.
I think this is my favorite of your videos I've seen so far. It seems really relevant to me.
Second time watching, these videos are SO RICH its like a decadent dessert. Even as an overthinker I am still glossing over things and needing to rewatch regularly. Also the human mind likes to forget.
Thanks for all the amazing videos and creating more regularly, you have grown so amazingly even just from external perspective from an internet stranger.
I appreciate how you're able to hit the mark with attunement. I hope you are aware of the amazing talent you are able to share by solifiying these concepts. Very helpful!
I love how you broke this down, Heidi. It was helpful to get a deeper understanding of why things like hypervigilance can happen. But it also showed me that I've come a long way thanks to therapy and the many other healing tools I've been utilizing in recent years! On my way to secure attachment, getting a little better every day 🎉🎉🎉
10:00 oh my god! I am doing this since my childhood. I assess people way before they even striked the conversation with me. Even I assess why they act the way they act. There's a constant analysis session going on inside my head. Even I predict how that person will treat me long-term.
Thank you so much for the video. I was looking for it something similar for long. Your content impacted my perspective a lot💗.
The video you make and the work you do are golden! Thankful for the amount of time you're putting into this and making an effort to share again and again. Keep it up, you influence people in a great way!
You are a gifted communicator and have a brilliant mind. So thankful I found you!
Heidi, I just want to say thank you for doing all this work. It has been beyond helpful for me.
I Truly appreciate your videos. They’ve added major knowledge to the classic texts and made me a better person. Please continue. ❤
Thank you Heidi, hearing you speak is soothing and is giving me clarity❤🎉
Just in time! I literally have been building a playlist about attunement. Thank you SO much!
This content really resonates with me. It has me reflecting on the type of caregivers I’ve had in my developmental years as a child and adolescent. It’s given me a lot to think about, then, now, and how to move forward as a better in tuned and aware person in relationships.
This is a wonderfully lucid, tenderly presented and absolutely true description of how this mechanism works. Thank you :)
Brilliant video, im going to have yo listen again. The only thing i would add, as a caution, is attunement can only be achieved, and safely sought after, when there is underlying trust in the other person. If they are abusive, striving for attunement could be downright dangerous.
This was explained in such a clear and plain way. Very much appreciate it!! it's turned my day around and hopefully I'll keep these lessons in mind for a good while!!
This is incredibly helpful and well presented Heidi, thank you for all that you are doing! I am also SUPER curious about how neurodivergence can intertwine and overlap with these concepts. As someone with ADHD I am aware my insecure attachment affects connecting but also "masking" when interacting with more neurotypical people is necessary sometimes, especially in work environments. My partner is securely attached and on the Autism spectrum and I've learned a lot from how he just presents himself authentically with friends and keeps close friendships with people who accept him for who he is.
Really concise and well explained! And also wonderful to look back on my (now healthy) relationships and see that I somehow figured out attunement without ever learning it from my family.
Heidi is the best in the way she helps others understand just simply being present. Amazing channel.
Heidi, you are a godsend. Your guidance is clear and life changing. THANK YOU
i've been learning about relationships a long time and im impressed about the simplicity and effectiveness of this concept.
Your videos are some of the most helpful I've found. Thank you for all the work you put into them
Yes! Loved that you hit on your past with personality theory because I was very much the same way. Glad the journey has brought me back to a place of presence and curiosity. Such a great video!
Thank you Heidi. This has come at perfect timing for me - as I attempt to improve certain relationships in my life. Now to work on these tools w/ patience will hopefully create some much needed positive changes! 🙏🙏❤️
I’m so happy your followers are growing your videos are gold! So wise and intelligent
Can’t tell you how grateful i am for these videos
Thank you Heidi.
Another brilliant video deepening my understanding of how I relate with the people in my world.
Your work enriches your audiences lives in the most valuable ways ❤
Randomly got your video recommended, and when you said „Hi I’m Heidi Priebe“ I literally screamed „Heidiiiii“!! 😁
I bought your ENFP book back then after your articles helped me understand myself better, and have loved it throughout the years, I kept coming back to it and it was a big key in finding to myself
I had also stumbled across your articles about limerance some months ago, but didn’t know you had a whole channel!
Thank you for all these beautiful things you’re sharing 😊
(I also make CZcams videos, maybe you like them haha, also wanna make a video on how I healed my limerance in an afternoon!)
As a fellow previously personality type addicted person, this hits for me lol
This is wonderful. So clear. So helpful and calming and supportive. Thank you!!
Your comparison has been most helpful, thanks.
It must get complicated when one parent is emotionally unavailable while the other parent is the soul source of emotional security.
Scripts and outcomes, more great stuff!
Heidi your voice is really soothing to the ear. Thanks for the wisdom
i friggin love this channel’s content. such a goldmine of insight.
I love your channel, I’m learning so much thank you for the way you present the information you truly are enriching our lives xx
ive been doing this and it's so validating to hear you put it into words.
Thank you Heidi. These are priceless insights. Just listening to the podcast, it made my heart warm. ❤
Heidi, I love your mind! Just amazing. Thank you for this and all your videos. 🙏🙏🙏
ahh the personality theory is so true i’ve started getting obsessed with mbti lately even with putting myself in that box and others and then analysing how they and even i fit their/my box
well whicheven led me to think that i am an “infj” so i must always be observing people and putting them into categories to fit into my box of infj..
maybe because i gave that mbti more identity of who i am
I think your experience is understandable/relatable. I went to something similar ages ago. I was experimenting with the new information (the types). I obsessed too maybe because of the internal emotion of hope. Like when playing a video game a🎮 and looking around and others have advanced to other levels and finally the realization I AM IN A DIFFERENT GAME 😬😹and I will find a way unto the next level type of hope 💪🏼🧗🏻(… also I started to suspect my parents and I spoke a different language and the process of healing my unfulfilled expectations entered the room).
I see all the comments and can only align with them in thanking you for the insightful and relevant content and the kindness in which you share it.
Best explanation of attachment I’ve heard! Well done.
Thank you! Another brilliant and useful talk. I know what I've been doing out of survival adaptation, what I've repaired and is going well in the meantime, as well as what I can tweak and add to further develop a sense of being secure. Not only with others, but myself as well.