A little chat about forced positivity and other stuff
Vložit
- čas přidán 8. 09. 2024
- I know the lighting is so bad. Sorry guys. I've tried to fix it as best I can but I'm aware I have some very pink cheeks and a paler face than usual! Does this make sense? I don't even know. Sorry xxx
My PO BOX: (for sending letters, art, whatever really!)
CLAUDIA BOLEYN
PO Box 834
GILLINGHAM
ME81DS
My tumblr: / claudiaboleyn
My music channel: / @claudiaboleynmusic1890
My music tumblr: / claudiaboleynmusic
My website:claudiaboleyn.com
My instagram: / boleynclaudia
My snapchat: clarashildr
My PayPal (for donations): www.paypal.me/...
xxx
I completely agree. And this is why we have trigger warnings. So us mentally ill people can express ourselves without triggering or harming others. No one is forced to read our posts. If it makes someone uncomfortable they can just skip past it. I know I always add trigger warnings. It always feel good to vent out negative feelings. It is really therapeutic. Never apologise for being mentally ill.
honestly, I am so used to having to pretend to be happy all the time that when I do feel down, people often don't know how to react? and I feel so bad about venting about my problems and that I'm just being annoying. :/
I love that you brought the fandom bullshit up, I was waiting for it since I saw the title in my notifs. (I follow your tumblr.) I mean you're right about it all though. People need to let negativity out in healthy ways! And fair media criticism is one of the healthiest. Telling people to be constantly positive about fandom is so silly. Like no Tom, sometimes media is bad. You can point out how it's bad. It's not ruining anything.
I feel like I need to make a whole other video dedicated to the fandom drama because honestly, it's got out of hand 😂 xxx
Oh my, yes! That sounds entirely awesome! I hadn't even heard about Emmerdale until I started following you, but now I'm so second-hand invested in all of the drama on that lately. You see all that kinda... *stuff* in almost every fandom though. Both the writing problems and the fandom drama. So I honestly can't wait to see you talk about it.
Mental health makes you feel isolated as it is without people telling you you're the problem or you're being too negative. I've had a bad dip recently too Claudia. It's horrible isn't it, just as you think "Oh, I haven't had an episode for a while now, everything is going great." then depression comes in like "I don't think so." But I've learnt to cope with it, and I'm dealing with it so much better than I was when I first started having it. P.S. I am the same Rhys from Instagram, the one who keeps saying how cute you are. That cheeky smile always brightens my day xxx
So agree...it's like you go through a good period and you're all like, "Yay, it's gone forever now!" Then something bad happens and you're pimp slapped right back down in the dumps where you were before. I mean geez, it might help us all get over this mental stuff if life were a bit easier, but sadly a lot of the time it's not. It sucks and I feel so defeated every time. But I still hold out hope that one day the sun will come out and those dismal grey clouds will blow away forever. I think we're all waiting for that day. I hope it comes for all of us eventually.
My mother is positive all the time, which was hard when I was growing up. A phrase she would use is: "it's all wonderful". I always found myself taking the more negative side, just to create some balance.
I guess it's a shame, Claudia, that you're less likely to communicate when you're feeling down but I guess most of us set a threshold level, where we feel able to face being seen. I know I am very much like that. Apathy stops us aswell, of course.
Anyway, take care. xxx
Good for you, but I suggest being a little less direct. Befriend before biology!
Prentice is correct 😂 xxx
Doesn't change the fact that I'd like to.
Indeed. I don"t blame the way you feel. She is very intelligent, engaging and exceptionally pretty. I'm sure she sees your comment as a compliment (which I know it was) and not a threat (which she might have). I would like to have had a go at explaining why but it wouldn't be easy or appropriate at the moment, particularly because, knowing what I know about Claudia, she would probably disagree. :)
I don't know...constant positivity makes me think one of two things about a person: either you have been extremely lucky and life has been VERY good to you, or you are keeping yourself in a perpetual state of denial. The latter just shut their brain off any time they hear anything they don't like. I've never put much stock in people like that, they strike me as being deluded and lacking in empathy because all they care about is keeping their own mood boosted all the time. And I don't mean your mom of course, but I've also found some sort of drug use (and I'm not talking the legal kind, antidepressants do NOT do this) is an absolute necessity to fuel that kind of aggressive super happiness. Simply put, I just don't buy it, which is why I tend to distrust people who put off this kind of attitude.
i feel ya! im always forcing myself to be positive and never being negative which leads to me burning out and isolating myself because it gets so exhausting! and yes!! it's very draining forcing myself to be positive in fandom space and it's actually the main reason i have been putting off going to my fandom side account and interracting with the fandom because it was so draining to constantly putting up a positive persona and feeling like i can't express any negativity at all. while the internet made me realise and come to terms with my mental illness and finds ways to cope, i had at some point block and unfollow people because i had being using the content they put on their blogs as way to trigger myself in depressive episodes bc im an idiot (especially bdp blogs bc while at first it gave me great relief seing that there is an actual medical term for what im feeling, a lot of posts where negative and made me going into depressive spirals) and im trying to get better and tbh im kinda proud of how far i've come! anyways sorry for rambling, i love your videos and i love you!
In all fairness it has been a harsh Winter everywhere around Europe which has not helped matters.
I totally get where you're coming from with being triggered by stuff online! It's hard to strike a balance, isn't it? On the one hand, being online really helps me, but I also need to know when to take a step back (which I'm still bad at!). It does sound like you've come a long way, so well done you! xxx
Exactly! Like it wouldn't be natural or human to just be positive and happy all the time. It is ok to let yourself feel things, even if they're not good it's unhealthy to repress them because we can't control them. Seriously the people who go around saying "just get over it" or "just be positive" must think we're mindless robots with no complex human emotions
I think it's important to distinguish between "you're bringing everyone down" and "I myself am not currently in a place, mentally, where I can handle listening to your issues." one is trying to silence someone and the other is acknowledging that their feelings are valid while still putting distance between the listener and the negativity. I hope that made sense.
I totally relate to the dark humour. Some of my favourite jokes are suicidal jokes, like if something is bad I'll say "well now I want to kill myself more". It really does weirdly help.
Yeah forced positivity gets on my nerves. Just let me be sad or angry so I can move on and be ok again 🙄 I’m on a dip right now myself so good timing on the video lol 😄👌
You put it into words way better than I did in fifteen whole minutes! That's exactly it! Sometimes people just need to let it out so they can move forward. xxx
No u did a great job. I loved the video and it helped me feel a bit better about being “down in the dumps” as I like to call it. I’ve been through it before and I know I’ll come out at the other end. This dip I’m in won’t last forever so thanks for the video 😊👌
I agree. Forced positivity is just another form of bottling. People need to feel and express their feelings. Even outside of the scope of mental illness, no one feels okay all of the time. That's part of life and it's healthy to acknowledge it!
Jennifer McCord yes exactly. Bottling everything up is so unhealthy
Being against the Romanticism of mental illness is more about stopping stigma. So not taking away the struggle of someone's everyday life by belittling it.
I think ocd is a good example of this, people throw around it around as a casual term for 'not liking the way something's done'
Whereas actually, it's something people struggle with every day. Not 'i feel a bit ocd about that picture being straight'
This is so common now i think people don't realise the severity of some illnesses because of that stigma. If you suffer with something they are sad too, they have OCD too.
And that's really not the point.
Some illnesses are treated like they are cool because they are not being seen as illnesses but as personality traits- such as being clean and tidy etc
And that needs to stop
Anyway, I hope I came across well.
You came across very well! xxx
I have been struggling with OCD for over two decades now, and it has been horrible. It really does interfere with every aspect of my life. I'm much better now, but it's been a long road (with no emotional support from anyone and no professional treatment available to me), and it's hard knowing that if I'm exposed to some majorly stressful event, I will probably relapse. It feels like living on the edge of a cliff, worrying if some invisible hand will push me off. You're right, I hate how flippant and callous people are about OCD, it really does get treated like it's stupid. I know it's aggravating to have to deal with people who try to force everyone to adhere to their compulsions (who I feel sorry for, because they're letting their mental illness rule them), but we're not all jerks who do that. I just really wish there was more understanding and compassion for this as well as things like germophobia and acute anxiety.
Invisible illnesses are always the worst for not being taken seriously, but as well as being 'just a personality trait' I feel like people with mental illness' are the punchline of everyone else's joke. (like the countless social anxiety and bipolar jokes online)
Amongst other things I have severe anxiety and it's very difficult to get taken seriously in every day life because for some reason there's this misconception that being extremely anxious is the same as being nervous.
Trying to explain the difference is difficult to do because the person still carries round the stigma even after me explaining over and over- nervous is mostly a good thing but being anxious is debilitating.
I'm a singer I get nervous before shows but this is motivates me more than anything else. Whereas if I'm anxious about something I literally can't do it.
Also I just want to say I know the feeling of not being able to get professional treatment- I can't either it's very frustrating. I've been struggling for over 10 years and I'm a lot better than I was in my teens but I have my really bad dips.
It's a good thing that you feel like you are better now, keep going.
Thanks so much for responding .
I definitely know where you're coming from with the anxiety. OCD is at its core anxiety based, so I and many other sufferers also have to deal with acute anxiety as well. I also tend towards falling into depressions and have just a very low energy level, and have my entire life. I realized about a year and a half ago that the primary emotion I was feeling, all the time, was fear. THAT'S what anxiety is, and it's torture. You cannot shut it off, as people always think you should be able to do with mental illnesses, you can try to scale it back as much as possible, but it always seems to come back eventually. I find it's easiest to escape from it when things are going well in my life...but that always seems to be temporary. I'm hoping now though that the worst is over and I've progressed into an easier stage where I can properly focus on self healing rather than just desperately scurrying around struggling to survive as its been for me up to this point. I hope we can both one day reach that elevated state where we are safe and well, one that so many others take for granted. Maybe one day it will be properly understood that life is difficult (especially childhood, which gets over hyped as this magical, perfect time when in fact for many people it's not that at all), that it leaves a lot of people wounded, and that mental stability is not some kind of guarantee for everyone. Until then, I suppose many of us are stuck suffering and struggling in silence with our psychological problems.
Claudia, you just have an incredible way with words that I'll never have in the same way. You sum up all of my thoughts around these topics so well and conscisely. I absolutely agree with this. We need bad for good, dark for light - I mean has no one seen Inside Out? I really hope this video gets spread a lot wider around :)
exfairy “Inside Out” has Fantastic messages about mental health. It teaches us that sadness is good because it can lead to joy.
We need a mix of positive and negative thinking because the world is positive and negative. Negative thinkers should be listened to more because they’ can visualise what may go wrong and do something about it. This worship of happiness and positive thinking feels insane.
Your videos often cheer me up, thank you so much for that! : )
I truly envy you for being able to sit there with visible scars, I've had hidden arms for years! (Please feel free to delete this if pointing this out is upsetting x)
It's not upsetting at all! I'm learning to not be ashamed of them, and I really hope you reach that point too. Sending you love! xxx
Claudia Boleyn thank you! And thank you for this corner of the internet you have created, I used to feel so alone with my BPD but it's people like you that normalise it and make us feel less like aliens 👽 lol xoxo
I totally agree that keeping feelings bottled up for years -- and not be a problem to anyone -- can be what eventually causes us to explode with honesty. Sometimes we simply HAVE to start talking about it or we won't survive. Also, I understand what you mean when you say that sometimes recovery doesn't mean the attacks don't happen; it just means you can look at them from a different perspective. That's where I am now, too.
I know of people who do romanticise mental illness and it is really weird and annoying
I know it does happen, but sometimes I think a gentler approach should be taken with that stuff. If it's someone with a mental illness doing the romanticising, then a lot of the time it's a coping mechanism, and so we have to be really careful we don't explain to someone how to express their feelings about their own illness. I don't know if I made sense at all, but I do agree with you that it happens, and it definitely is worrying and upsetting. I just worry about people who don't have mental illness starting to police actual mentally ill people. It should be a conversation between those who suffer from it and understand it. xxx
Toby Harris True. There's nothing romantic about staying in your pyjamas all day 😢
Toby Harris i have the misfortune of knowing someone who does that stupid stuff not only does this person romanticise it but also fakes it so I agree with you
Yes! I relate and understanding so much of what you are saying! I, myself have had a long battle with anxiety and depression that came about by suppressing emotions and not dealing with them in a healthy way, and I think a lot of that was internalizing this notion of forced positivity and not wanting to burden other people with my own personal demons. I also think this led to a continued search of identity. Because I was suppressing so many dissonant thoughts/ emotions than those around me, I became too well adapt in hiding behind masks of myself. And now that I’m going through recovery, it’s been hard for me to discover who I truly am behind the masks.
Was just touching this subject yesterday! Expressing the negative and going through bad experiences is a huge importance to every learning process. Sending love ❤
I love your point in this video. Can agree and relate to so many things.
Also, what really hits me is, a few months ago I was just telling a friend about how I hate the saying "positive vibes only" because it is so unrealistic. So I completely get where you are coming from.
Wow you constructed and presented your thoughts so beautifully here!!
It IS so tricky to translate often overwhelming emotions that feel like a smothering physical sensation but it doesn't always have an adjective or a name that you can use to describe it so you can say what is going on and set it down for a while. Negative thoughts and suicidal ideation is a great example of rejected taboo conversation and socially inappropriate conduct, but sometimes thoughts need to be articulated outloud in order to take away some of the power we have given them which then drag us downwards!
Take care xxxx
Your voice calms my anxiety. Thank you
People have called me pessimistic SO MANY TIMES. To be honest I consider myself realistic. I also see possible good scenarios of things but I put an emphasis on bad scenarios to know how to deal with them and work things out.
I COMPLETELY AGREE!!! You've just vocalised I've been thinking and feeling but haven't had the words to say THANK YOU!!! 😊❤
I only regularly manage to get as far as forcing myself to be neutral. That's almost certainly cost me promotions and weakened if not outright cost me friendships, maybe if I had more typical interests I'd have been driven to "fix" that and get more stressed out pretending to be something I'm not.
But yeah this resonated.
Hi.i have bpd.the emptiness can be cured by 150mg tramadol p/day. Also, with the amygdala being so seriously damaged through young trauma the main focus should be relaxation and good sleep. Obs with eating good and having good support is essential. I feel proud of you.keep helping the people like you do.x
The video made perfect sense!
I have the same problem in my local peer "support" group for the chronic pain disorder I suffer from. Like, not so long ago I had a really bad day, I was hurting all over, every step felt like stomping on legos but despite that, I had to go to work like one does when they have a job.
And I poured it out to the group because they are supposed to be the people I don't have to reason and explain everything. And there was this one shit-head who was just pointing out all the things I did regardless of the bad day AS IF I HAD A CHOICE!! (sorry for shouting, still kinda mad).
I tried to tell her how unhelpful that was but she was just blocking her ears, going "Lal-lal-laa, positivity, positivity, lal-lal-laa!"
And I no longer find that group as a source of support.
The way I explain the goodness of negativity is: knowing the importance of bowel movements doesn't make shit smell any better.
I think a lot of what you're talking about is from the 'just world hypothesis'. Basically, it's a cognitive bias that we create as not think about the various issues and inequalities as we navigate through life.
In modern society (well, at least British which is where I live in), very few of us, outside of people who take part in some form of social welfare, are willing to deal with the problems of other people outside of possibly family, and we are not as eqipped with the skills for dealing with them - We just think that either the situation would resolve itself (there are times when that happens for sure) or someone else will sort it out.
Being negative (in general) forces other people to deal with the fact that there are individuals who are confronted with a thing or a situation that they respond to differently than they themselves do, and it makes them uncomfortable. While the openness about mental health is good, i think society has gotten so used to seeing reaffirming messages - not in the sense of actually being there for someone during hard times - but in the sense of reaffirming that there are no problems within it; that it just forces people who are mentally ill to not be as honest as they can be about their current situation, because it doesn't guarantee that people will help them in a meaningful way, and instead makes them uncomfortable. This of course, applies to any experiences of social inequality as well.
Thank you so much for saying this!
Can you talk about how you get through depression and self-harm relapses?
I definitely will! Thanks for the suggestion xxx
I hate forced positivity. Well said, Claudia!
I hate anything forced
I was just thinking about this the other day. I wasn't exactly sad or happy, I just didn't feel like doing anything. and everyone was kept asking me to smile to eat to laugh and I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I just needed some space and I wasn't hurt about anything I think my emotions kind of shut out when I've had an overload.
You really speak the truth, another great video 💗
Good on you for taking a day for yourself. As you say, try and look after yourself.
Plus, the good thing about online spaces is that you can freely choose what to watch / read. If I follow somebody and they start posting really negativ stuff because they are having a hard time and I notice that this is bringing me down, I can just unfollow them for a while. Which is something you can't really do in as easily in real life.
Also, I agree with yout that it helps. When I am feeling down, I will often just post it online somewhere. It makes me feel better and it's an accessible way to express myself (like, if I wanted to talk to someone irl I would first have to find somebody and for example, call them).
You make me feel less alone with bpd, I function and appear 'normal' but can really relate especially suicidal ideation... if something goes wrong I instantly want to kill myself and its so hard... how donyou cope with negative feelings?
I couldn't agree more!!
This video helped me realize that I need to let myself be negative sometimes. I usually try to force myself to be happy all the time, and that's probably not very healthy 😂 anyway, thanks for helping me realize this, and I'm glad you're feeling better!
I'm glad you're feeling better! This was a nice and somehow very validating and uplifting video!
I love that shirt
I'd love to hear your opinion on 13 Reasons Why. It's got lots of criticism, but I felt it was relatable, except for a few things.
You’re really great!
💕
Wow! You really are offering some fantastic points here. Go you!
Totally relate to this
I’m sorry this isn’t related to the video and this question isn’t specifically for Claudia, because I don’t know if she’s watched it, and I know a lot if her viewers have BPD - Has anyone watched *Crazy Ex-Girlfriend?* I’m wondering what other people with BPD think of Rebecca Bunch, because I personally don’t relate to her at all. I watched hoping I’d find positive BPD representation but I really don’t feel like I share my illness with her at all!
Forced positivity is so sinister - and not to mention it is used to silence valid systemic issues.
Bottom line one cannot be happy upbeat smiling n positive all the times it's not feasible
It's so tiring to be positive all the time but the teachers at my school are idiots and always say stuff like "You'd look better if you smiled" or "Be happy" or "Be positive" and I just think "NO! I CAN'T THAT ISN'T WHO I AM SHUT UP!!" It sucks and everyone else conforms to it and I'm the only one who stands up for my rights. At my school the teachers consider it disrespectful to ask a question in my normal tone of voice(I know I have a naturally loud and sarcastic voice but they should just realize that's what I sound like!) they think it's disrespectful to say "No! This is America we have free will I will do what I want! This isn't actual school work I'm not doing it!" And whenever I refuse things my peers will say something like "Shut up and do what the teacher says!" And I'm just like "Girl I don't have to they aren't my mom and even if they were I 'm not letting them to strip me of my right to act like how I feel!" No one in my school knows I'm broken and feel like nothing could put the pieces back together. I told a couple people but they didn't care much and now I'm all alone and have realized I have no friends. These people don't know what I'm going through and they act like I CHOOSE to have the attitude I do. If I got to choose I would be positive but I don't choose. These kids and teachers are idiots and act like they have never felt upset a day in their life. They make fun of me over the smallest things and I can barely deal with it more. You would think some teacher would notice something was wrong with me but nope! Well actually they might but if they did I already know they wouldn't care! Sorry for the rant I just had to get that off my chest. I did a terrible job explaining but I think I got some points across correctly.
Elle Renfro I can so empathize with you and I so agree .
Wow, that sounds like a really horrible environment to be in. I'm so sorry! I get what you mean about being ill while at school and just being expected to get on with things. I had a similar experience myself. It worries me a lot that people are making fun of you, though. I really think it would be a good idea to try and talk to a teacher about that. I know it probably feels like it won't help, but trying can't hurt, right? I just hate to hear that you're having such a rough time, and I'm sure your school have a duty to do something to help you. You should be feeling safe and happy at school. You're already going through so much, you don't need people being mean on top of everything else! xxx
Good 4u that wuld b me
Blues ... five year !!!
Great to see you posting again! :-)
Yep, we should not deny what we are feeling. :) Unless we accept them, we'll be stuck there...
I agree that you have to get your negative emotions out of you to feel better, writing them down always helps. But I don't see the benefit of posting it online for an audience? Writing it in a diary is much better for me because I can look back at those days and sort of view them from an outsider perspective. And that helps to analyze those emotions. I find it better than making public posts just to delete them later. The physical act of writing on paper also makes those emotions tangible, and easier to let go of.
I often like to write things down in a notebook when I feel really bad too. Well, the reason I post online is that I am trying to document my mental health journey. I find it freeing to be able to talk openly about it, even when I'm low, and I also find that doing that helps me through very bad dips. I know talking about it so candidly online isn't everyone's cup of tea (and I 100% respect that), but for some it helps a great deal. I know that it's heartening to see other people with BPD talking about it when they're low, for example, because although it's sad to hear they're in a bad place, it is also relatable and real. It reminds me that the dips do come, and that it's okay. It doesn't make me a failure. (Sorry this was so long!) xxx
I understand how you feel I try not to post to marry people say what I understand I used to cut ten years ago they look at my arms with out looking were IAM at now I look at them huh I'm more happy now better than them now I look at everything it would be better tommorow keep positive !!
TW; sucidal talk
(did I do that right?, I am terrible at TW's)
The thing about feeling/talking about being Suicidal is real though! I dunno, but I feel my suicidal thoughts and my depression are kinda separate - meaning that they can both be strong at the same time, but also strong completely independent of each other. And so it might hit me "out of the blue" on a good day and be really intense, but manageable(since the depression isn't feeding it, so it's just a strong pull, but not overwhelming). And I want to talk with someone about it because it's such a weird feeling, but at the same time not talk to my doctor about it because they take it incredible serious (as they should) and I do not want to risk a forced stay somewhere for that talk.
I can't wait for your new videos and is that BBC or TV thing still going ahead ?
Thank you, and yes, it is. The airdate isn't fixed, but I've been told roughly when. I'm not sure if I'm allowed to say anything else at the moment, though. xxx
Dr Emily Grossman talks about the importance of crying
On the podcast the guilty feminist
It seems linked to me xxx
I really hate when people act like if a show is progressive or has good representation then you can't criticize it and that anyone who does is just looking for ways to hate it. while often shows that are billed as progressive or as having good representation are expected to be so much better than others that's typically just because when you promise something we tend to expect it. there are some people who will refuse to take baby steps and accept imperfect representation or progress but really most people criticizing these shows just want them to do better and they can't if they don't know they've messed up.
Yes cuz they fake
I wanna hug you
I could have sworn I was already subscribed to you. Anyway, I am now.
I often find myself bluffing a positive attitude because sometimes it's necessary to hide your darker moments. It would be good if the online community was more understanding. I always find it ironic that the second suicide comes up my friends say "hang in there". Btw thanks for answering my letter, great vid.
Hi Claudia. I'm also a distance education learner living with depression and anxiety. How do you find the motivation or energy to work on your studies when you're feeling really low? or do you take a break from your studies during that time?
I actually find my studies one of the only things which can motivate me when I'm low. I enjoy my course so much that when I'm having a bad few days, I will just sit and work and not talk to anyone. I think maybe because it's a creative writing course it's easier, because I can use it to express myself when actually talking about things is too hard. xxx
Are those scars on your arm from self-harm? Just curious, not trying to be rude, and not expecting an answer either.
Yes. I had a relapse at the end of last year, but I'm okay, don't worry. It was just a blip, and not a pattern. xxx