When narcissists leave you feeling guilty
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- Äas pĆidĂĄn 3. 07. 2024
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Guilty for putting up with their shit.
Guilty for settling for less.
Guilty for selling self short.
Guilty for not using the door.
Absolutely đŻđ
If you can't win no matter what you do, the only winning move is not to play...
@@sixthsenseamelia4695 If you're at the battlefield, you've already decided to play...
I like your summary. We could add one more: Guilty for using the door after you were asked to just because according to them you have or you are from the wrong whatever. For example according to them you must have been cheating on that I.Q. test because according to them you are just as of average intelligence on every measure on the test as them and so how could you believe that you are worthy of any scholarship or in another example you according to them lied about being from an indigenous background family while you were answering the call to open that door with a scholarship too. Then from there according to them the shaming will include them bragging about how they allegedly paid for their entire education in contrast while 'saving' themselves by making income. [discounting what tax payers pay into public education too of course].
@Sara Fox yes yes yes n yes
Guilt is a powerful emotion. The narcissist will be satisfied with any reaction they get from you, but guilt makes them feel like theyâre right and youâre wrong. It makes them feel like theyâre superior to you.
Them just breathing makes them superior
Truth!!!
@@Hundredacredaycare in their deluded, f$!#ed-up minds.... So. Innacurately. Superior.
They are " legends in their own minds"......!!!
Why would you want to make anyone feel guilty, talk about an inability for progress or just plain not being able to get on with it, guilting another also keeps the focus on them. đ
@@joseenoel8093 yup. Keeps us ruminating constantly
âGuilt is the glue of the trauma-bonded relationshipâ hit the nail on the head as usual Dr. Ramani! I hope everyone reading this is one step closer to overcoming the guilt of setting boundaries and moving forward!
Those who resent our boundaries are those we need it against!
@@joseenoel8093 amen ..I agree
Yep! That line hit me right where it counts. Right in my gut. I'll never forget it.
Real Life Psych for sure! I donât know if I fully understand why the guilt develops with the trauma bond, how does that work exactly? Because of the gaslighting and internalizing of it all? Maybe I need to watch the video again...
@@costelloandlizzievolk2233 Because if someone causes you trauma, it would be hard to continue to persistently have a bond with them, unless guilt comes into play, causing you to stay not because you want to, but because you feel you should. Narcissists thrive off of guilt.
Meanwhile the narcissist doesn't feel guilty about anything: not about putting pressure on you to do something, not about contacting you randomly, not about seeking attention from someone outside of your relationship etc etc.
# 6 841 telling you to pop out another and getting a job to support it (fvck that shit and I think that's gonna work against you, omg, they honestly believe our brains don't work?)
@@joseenoel8093 They mostly think our intuition doesn't work. It still does, despite the gaslighting.
Exactly
@@bunnysexy487 Sad isn't it?
It reminds me of a bible exerpt that says 'honour/obey your parents' which is often misused as meaning obey your parents no matter what ... but in the very next line (which is often ignored) it says 'don't torment your children'.
Absolutely...guilt is a big reason people stay with the narc...the guilt of leaving or hurting someone, even when they're toxic.
Right! I am guilty of that.
Even when they have cancer
Yes yes yes
Feeling that way.....
@@lauraj8429 same for me. Mine was a 6 month relationship. It was difficult to walk away due to the guilt, but I am glad I was able to work through that and walk away. We all deserve the love we have to give. We deserve the love we have within us.
This is what my vulnerable/covert narcissist father does. He will do the most horrible and destructive things and then play victim after. For example, over Christmas he did something really cruel and nasty, so I didn't speak to him for several weeks. Of course he was on his best behavior, peppering me with "miss you" texts and finally sending me an email about how sad he was that I wasnt speaking to him. When I reminded him WHY I wasn't speaking to him, aka the nasty, cruel thing he did, he brushed right over and went back to how hard it is for him to not speak to me. It's so twisted and manipulative. Literally cannot trust a word that comes out of his mouth- it's all a part of a plan for manipulation, no honesty
I excommunicated my dad for a couple years for doing something upsetting to me and the next morning, he tried to act like he didn't do anything. He invited me for breakfast and told me to get over my feelings. Now, years later, he's in my life...sort of.... but with strict boundaries. Guilt makes me feel like I'm crazy for feeling hurt. And he enables that with his gaslighting. Hope you're well! Youre not crazy or wrong, I promise you.
Sounds familiar, they can never apologize or acknowledge they might be at fault in anyway...
OMG.... my BPD relative did this all of the time! And I fell for it for years. Until one day the light bulb over my head went on. It's been 3 years with basically no contact. That was the only way out for me after years of being subjected to her toxic personality.
@@francinemaika7597 never ever.... my toxic person would brush off her horrible behavior all of the time. She'd giggle and say it's when she was nutty. No dear.... you're always rude.
Isn't that something; we the innocent suffer their cruelties, no modern stun gun đ« nor castle's đ° dungeon's torture gear require they, just plain being in narc mode makes us suffer greatly all this because they're a parent of ours! Yay!
" You can't win if you communicate..." Now THERE'S a huge truth! "You can't hurt the narcissists feelings because they have a tendency to feel victimized when the get called out.."
"You can't win if you set boundaries cuz your gonna feel guilty for setting that boundary, you can't win if you stay silent, ... You can't win if you think a bad thought about them - you feel guilty for being a rotten person,..."
Perfecto! Thanks Doc and community - Have a great day!
Yep...AND you canât win if you stay with the narc. Leaving them is the only and ultimate win. And even though it feels like a win...there may be that sense of guilt following us. Guilt, a residual from the toxicity.
Fk, I must write that onto a picture or something. Wow. âđ»â€ïžđŽó §ó ąó łó Łó Žó ż
You can't win with a narcissist, at all. Everything you do, you will feel guilty or be guilted. I still remember the day I told my mother and sister that I needed to set some boundaries with them; these are the biggest narcissists in my family. You know what they did? They laughed and continued to run over boundaries. The bad thing is, when I try to set a boundary with anyone, I feel so bad that I will literally cry, even if that person is perfectly okay with me setting a boundary. That's how I KNOW my family has conditioned me against having boundaries. Boundaries are a complete joke to them.
That playing victim is just unbearable, just destroyes all the words Iâve collected in my mind.
Oh god I donno what to say about narcissist I don't have words to describe their cruelty and mostly kind hearted people like me get attacked by them.
Guilt is for the GUILTY.......when you recognize how evil and treacherous the narcissist is and you detach (RUNNNN) and go NC, there is only relief and thankfulness for having "escaped" the narcs clutches. I have a saying, "ONCE YOU KNOW, YOU GOTTA GO".......love and prayers to all in your recovery! Thanks Dr. Ramani!!
Thank you and God BLESS you! I just got out on the 4th after 25 years of hell and I AIN'T GOING BACK!
@@flamingsword777 You are very welcome and GOOD FOR YOU!! I share a lot of scripturally healing verses to everyone recovering from narcissitic abuse. Love and prayers to you!!
Love your motto. Thanks.
Alena thank you I appreciate you saying that!!
@@NarcissismExposed you have your own channel?? I'M SO GOING TO SUBSCRIBE!! THANK YOU for doing our Father's Work and I pray that He keeps on blessing you ABUNDANTLY! I am in tears of DEEP GRATITUDE to and for you!!!
I feel guilty for not accepting breadcrumbs, and abuse and have walked away...... not anymore !!!!
Yes, let it be the past tense!đ
Well done. Wish I had stuck it. The after effects and guilt (even fear of the stupidity and lack of understanding and empathy the git has) has me bk mothering the guy in his spare room here. Crikey he's 73 and I'm 37. What a dyad! Yet I'm the crazy one apparently... Lol! Stay away if u can. Pity and guilt are so controlling.
P. S. I see it is my fault too. He knows I lack a family or support so his pretense lures me bk every time. My own home is a fkn mess of bags and dust from toing and froing. Yet I don't tick many if any CO-d traits. Nuts.
@@caracopland710 youâll get there it took me decades then one day I thought WTF ? Enough is enough ! It was like a dominos effect all narcs out đ life is to short to be treated so badly. I wish you strength and big hug to you ..... like Arnold Schwarzenegger said ..... YOU can do it !! đ
This is so well put - great job!!
My whole toxic family used guilt to control me. I just realized that I was trauma bonded with my toxic family. I have gone no contact. I needed the space and time to get my mental health together. I feel like my family brainwashed me into complete servitude. These unhealthy patterns ruin lives.
L Lakes. Thank you. You just described the so called family I was born into and programmed to be used and abused by. I hope you are doing better now. Bless you.
@@littleiodine9480 Thank youâ€
@@realhealing7802 Same here...keeping marching along. When you walk away- you will see your strength, your skills, your life will be better.
Can relate..its the whoole family
damn i haven't gone no contact with any of the toxic people in my life....anyone who has the guts to fully go no contact deserves a medal
The person with narcissistic personality in your life spends all the time invalidating all your feelings except for guilt. They validate that to the point it feels like dessert to you. That it makes it feel like guilt is the only thing that makes you feel connected to that person anymore.
Deep. I felt that personally.
Yes, this has happened to me. My ex, my mother and my close friend. They love guilt tripping. Favourite exercise for them and they're all different kinds of narcissists from the narc bouquet
yeah good point
The was his favourite thing to do to me! THE GUILT TRIP/ MOM SHAMING/ BAD MOM ,ETC!
@@SpIcYMoReNa same here
The Narcs I surrounded myself with throughout so many years , asked from me things they will never have done for me.
Oh no kidding aye, I'd even sleep over at my older overt coke head sis' place, babysitting 3 kids, boyfriends even helping out, she never helped me out once though, I'm good with that! Good observation sweetie!
Negotiate. If they ask a favour, ask for something in return. They are takers
Same!!
Yes, this is true for me too.
Feeling guilting for opening up to them and have them invalidate my feelings and weaponize my insecurities against me. Never again
Donât let them take over your emotions. Regulate them yourself. If you let them hijack your conscious and train of thought they will wreak havoc on your inner self and leave you feeling turned inside out. They will not accept any responsibility for this and point the finger at you.
Good thing I'm a stubborn man at my core. My Siblings are lost I need to help them
Oh boy this is exactly how I have been thinking and feeling. So much guilt, so exhausting just to survive day by day. I'm out at last and realise what was happening to me!
Pack your Bags! We're going on a Guilt Trip đ€Ł said the Narc đ
Last year i did group therapy and something the therapist mentioned that resonated with me was at times we feel guilty for celebrating accomplishments because others are having a hard time. I got into a scholars program and refused to share it or celebrate it because I felt guilty if i did. After that session i made the choice to celebrate myself more because i am worthy of it. I love your videos Dr. Ramani.
Just commenting to say CONGRATULATIONS! I also feel guilty sharing good things like accomplishments and outgrowing people (especially if theyre older than me). So please savor your hard work and joy!
@@K-A5 Thank You
đđŸđđŸđđŸ congratulations for your accomplishment. I used to downplay my accomplishments until a stranger told me to celebrate myself for me, for my inner child. Since then, I celebrate my accomplishments
I have a hard time sharing happy events too. I am always minimizing
Congratulations!!!!! Love and celebrate yourself everyday! đđđđđ„łđ„łđ„łđ„łđ„łđđđđđ
I felt guilty for everything I did in my whole life. I just joked recently and said my last name is guilty.
Childhood. Yep. I can never give enough to lose the guilt.
guilt for not feeling like you have not done enough to please the narcissist. . . guilt for feeling like you have let the narcissist down (9:40). . . guilt for hurting the narcissist's feelings" (11:30). . . guilt is the toxic glue that binds the narcissistic relationship (12:20; 14:30) - so true! for me a pervasive sense of guilt and anxiety were so predominant that I couldn't feel anger or outrage (even now), because I felt so responsible for 'taking care of' them. what a relief to be told "you did nothing wrong'!" (14:40)
We can never do enough and it's exhausting.
Yes, it really is toxic glue. đĄđ
There's no pleasing a narcissist. You can give your all and they will never be satisfied. No contact is the only way to go. Save yourself. You deserve better.
How can so many of us feel the exact same. For the longest, I thought I had to do what he said, I didn't have a choice not too. I started to say "No" and that is when he put the guilt on me. Why can they read us so well. I just have to keep getting stronger and knowing I did nothing wrong. Thank you!
âguilt for not liking the narcissistâ !!!
I love that guidance to let our thoughts play out rather than suppress them. Knowing that my anger is valid has helped a lot. Guilt is stifling.
Amen. Same.
I kinda feel like the videos should be addressed 2 part. Conventional and Covert narcissists. Because a truly Covert narcissist, the incidents and tactics are not as identifiable and will leave you questioning EVERYTHING and with extreme feelings of guilt.
YEEEEEEESSSSS! I have this problem with my covert narc mom! Her guilt tactics are just insane! I have just had to go no contact with her, no explanations. I cannot handle dealing with guilt storm of this conversation and she will not acknowledge anything I have to say. At this point I don't feel I own her any explanations, I don't own her anything at all. Just a waste of energy that I no longer have.
So true
So true. I know that if explained how I was manipulated and guilted to other people they just wouldn't get it. This makes me feel so frustrated and re-victimised.
Growing up with a narc in the family sets the tone for every relationship you will have. You learn when you are young to diminish yourself, walk on eggshells, etc. As an adult it's almost impossible to set boundaries or say no without feeling guilty. The emotional scars these people leave are life sentences.
So true
You can grow as a person and use skills, like setting boundaries and honoring yourself. You are not stuck.
I feel guilty about everything I do, even if I didn't do anything.
I feel that sometimes alot of sometimes.
I felt guilty for being the way he wanted as he wasn't happy with it I did what he wanted but still he wasn't satisfied...
@@francescaspencer1700 very bad feelings
This is the sane for me. The guilt runs so deep
You also shouldnât feel guilty when going no contact. Usually, it would be extremely rude to completely cut someone off out of nowhere. But thatâs not what youâre doing when it comes to narcissists. Going no contact is the ONLY fool proof boundary (the ultimate boundary) that will work with a narcissist, and youâre only doing it because THEY force your hand by being impossible to
communicate with. The simple act of communicating with a narcissist is a contribution to nothing more than dysfunction and mental illness. Donât feel guilty going no contact with a narcissist.
@the team of memes, They're not only impossible to communicate with, it seems they want to block communication for the sheer pleasure of seeing you try harder, and become frustrated. They enjoy seeing you try harder. They know all along that they will just throw roadblocks in the line of coming to a mutual understanding. They then feel triumphant!
Oof I needed this, and this video, today. I'm not even NC, just told my mother I wouldn't send her a daily text so she'd "know I'm okay" and told her not to worry, that I love her and I'll call her sometime this week. She is ANGRY and I know if I do call she'll blow up, so I have been feeling guilty for this small boundary. I don't think I'll call her anymore, I feel the tension even from across the ocean and I can't handle one more fight.
Going no contact is the best solution to never feel guilt i m experiencing this since 4months i m feeling stronger than ever
@@heisenberg4501 Nice!
I felt so bad for blocking him đ
For me the guilt of being happy while my toxic family is miserable stops me from being able to enjoy my life many times. This is the hardest feeling to get past.
If you chose happiness, they can choose it too. They are adults. You are not responsible for their emotions or their life decisions.
Love is stronger then blood â
and blood doesnât necessarily mean love
And love is highly overrated.
I needed to hear this, I have been in tears all night, confused about feeling guilty and if I should or shouldn't. I get confused with am I the narcissist or am I not or am I part narcissist, by nurture or nature. Thank you I needed to hear this.
I think its like if you think you're crazy, you're not. If you have any self awareness, then you're probably not. Dr Romani did a video about that, thinking that it may be you that's the narcissist. I have a lifetime of guilt, when I was told I was acting selfish & made to feel guilty, I was only trying to get my needs met. It's so twisted & warped. Maybe find someone to talk to about it. Its hard to function with that internal anguish 24/7. Good luck to you!
@@sahdogwrangler5594 Much appreciated.
Strenght on sugar, down in the dumps is how we climb out, you'll be feeling better soon, hope you do something nice for yourself today! đđčđșđ
Sweet friend, you just hold your head up high. Even when you feel like your soul is being murdered and the person-someone who likely vowed to God to love you- is enjoying it. YOU did nothing wrong. I don't care what sins you have committed (because we all have committed sins because we are all human), NOTHING justifies behaving or speaking in a way that leaves you feeling this way. If this person does not show you SOON that they know how they hurt you, consider detaching from them in anyway that you can-emotional, physical, whatever.
I do the same. But I think the narcissist is not self aware enough to be here at all. If that helps.
I needed this today. I made the mistake and let the narc hoover me back into a civil relationship. We had a flare up and it all came rushing back and she told me I had emotionally abused her. My jaw dropped. This woman showed me nothing but cruel disrespect, whilst trying to have a relationship with me. She told me shit like doesn't really find me attractive but she is in a vulnerable state right now so she is giving me a chance. Later on she told me she never wanted anyone to shut up in life as she wants me to shut up. She told me the only reason people listen to anything I say is because I'm good looking (which i guess is an improvement to being unattractive). And on and on and on. Just mean and dismissive. I have never seen anyone pursue me so hard and dismiss me so hard at the same time.
So yeah, I did argue. I did respond. But as soon as I saw what she was like I did my best to leave the situation. I never tried to manipulate her into staying with me and i certainly didn't hoover her. So for her to say I abused her drives me crazy. But the thing is, I did argue. I do wish I was just strong enough to remain emotionless, say goodbye and resist the hoovering. So I do feel guilt.
Ya no contact no problems!
Naturally not responding or being pulled into an argument is best with an unhealthy narcissist. But donât feel guilty for losing control. No one except those of us who live with / work with a narcissist get how hard it is to keep up the emotionless front when you are up against someone who is programmed to goad you and bait you mercilessly into an uncivil response. In my case sometimes the injustice, the frustration and cruel harshness thatâs being lobbed at me daily can cause me to lose my cool and get in the mud too. I have my escape planned for April and I hope you can cut loose too my friend. They arenât joking when they say living with these people is âdeath by a 1000 cutsâ.
That sounds classic, my sister would call and build up my ego when she needed a favor? I would do all the weeks of research and work, she would swoop in for 10 min and take the credit without mentioning my help. Also.. I think we all kick ourselves for falling into their arguments and as Dr. Ramini says and I experienced so many many times with arguments, they are masters of manipulation and masters at winning arguments so donât make it harder on yourself, just try to detach as much as you can.
Yes, it's crazy making!
Part of it is about goading you so 'you are the bad one', it's infuriating.
I hate the injustice of it.
I just had to get away and stay away.
Yes, i tried to keep the relationship together when i knew it was toxic to me.. i felt guilt for feeling like i didnt do enough. When in reality i was accepting the fact that she never gave me validation, respect or honesty.
Narcissistic parents, teachers, and ministers often seek perfection. Both kIds and adults are made to feel guilty for falling short of unrealistic expectations. Targets carry a burden of guilt. Once I got it in my head that guilt tripping plus DARVO ... Deny, Attack, Reverse-Victim-and-Offender....was what narcissists DO and that I didnât cause them to CHOOSE these ugly behaviors, my guilt became fleeting. I was exhausted from trying to fix them or fix myself. Very foolish project.
thanks, l've never heard of "DARVO" but l experienced it a million times with the narcissist..
DARVO is a new term for me but very effective since I have experienced this a million times. Thinking about this helps reverse the guilt when you know this is exactly what they are doing too!
I feel really guilty for the reactive abuse I gave him. It wasn't acceptable but it was a direct result from putting up with endless head games and emotional manipulation. I apologized today for it, in fact. What I got from him was "I'm sorry things turned out the way they did." Ugggg. Why do I feel the guilt and the need to apologize and he doesn't feel anything? Sometimes I second guess that he is a narc. Things like today make me realize I was right on the mark.
Same.
It was reactive abuse that made me finally leave - I couldnât stand the person I had become. My ex also said that he was sorry things didnât work out the way weâd hoped, and that he really thought I was the one, etc. My kids saw the manipulative tactics all the time and I was still there feeling guilty for leaving because I was âripping out his worldâ.
I had to learn itâs not normal to feel badly leaving someone who has treated you so horribly. I was in shock that the kids didnât feel bad for him being alone, no one felt badly for him-only me. That was an eye opener for me. Guilt is most definitely what keeps us stuck in the trauma bond, and eventually we have to fight back.
Wow, I am going through this emotion right now and I acted the same way, reactive!? 5-year relationship that started as a love story. I couldn't do anything wrong in the first 4 months and once I had fallen for her and felt comfortable and told her my deepest thoughts, experiences and opened up is when things started getting thrown back at me (it felt weird at the time, all the questions but I am a open person naturally).
It was so confusing to go from being up there to then getting personal attacks or being given "lessons" (from previous things in my life say 20 years ago) where I would be called this and that.
I would say I am a good person, a passionate guy, I love being around people and am genuinely open. All my best qualities got knocked out of me (I felt I couldn't speak. I was scared to air my opinion as they were never validated) and I ended up a ball of frustration having abusive words playing on loop in my head all the time due to the lack of apologies, like she NEVER apologized, EVER. I became someone I am not. I became angry and frustrated all the time and I am just trying to process this and find my centre again. I was called a narc for 4 years by her. I was told I had anger management problems. I was told I had drink problems (If I wanted to share a bottle of wine on a Friday night). Told I am Not a real man. Body shamed, the list goes on and in the end I became angry and I am ashamed. I would leave her and then miss her and only remember the good and how good we could be so I would reach out, apologise and go back. What a mess...... Devastated that I have been in such a toxic relationship and wasted years...
@@bobbySumpton you are not alone. Many of us have been there ans and experienced that. I'm sorry though for your experience. It hurts. But with healing it gets better.
I'm the same with the apologiesing. I desperately want to say I am sorry for my reactions. I've booked some therapy for the new year because I just can't get my head around how I acted at times. I was thinking about it last night and it's like they amplify your strengths into weakness. Little jabs here and there and before you know you're just waiting for the next sly thing to be said. I remember once and yes it may seem small to you but this is years I to the relationship and we parked up in town, got out of the car. When she came round to me I swept her up and gave her a kiss (because at that moment in time I was being me). She turned and said why do you have you show off if there is a crowd and pushed me back... Devastated. That then sets a tone. Then another little snipe and another, then you snap and who's the had guy?
Hard to get my head around as I just wanted love. Maybe she doesn't know she does it but I know one day she will realise what she could have had. I had her back.
Yep. It happened to me the other day. My family member was dumping all her frustration about her job because it is stressful and wanted to use me as a place to dump it on. I'm thinking to myself that this person needs to stop feeling sorry for themself and get a new job if it's that bad. They play the victim card all the time. This person never cared to ask how I'm doing or how my day was. I was standoffish with this family member and I wanted to leave quickly. I could sense this family members anger because I was trying to protect myself with boundaries. She was trying to make me feel guilty because I didn't want to hang out to absord all of her negative energy. God these type of people are annoying. Change your life if you don't like it. Stop playing the victim card and using guilt to make everyone feel sorry for you. These people don't grow up. Even though they look adult on the outside. They wonder why nobody wants to hang out with them. Geez...
The really crazy thing is that many of them are very successful in rallying a mob following because of their physical attractiveness and charismatic personalities. So those of us who have finally caught a glimpse of what's behind their masks who no longer choose to be in their fan clubs are ostercized and publicly shamed.
Guilt brings on fight flight freeze. Then during a really bad patch, feeling utterly overwhelmed and numb all at once! So often you try to play peacemaker when the narcs are family and others don't have your experience. You know you should say something but guilt and roomination stop you because the consequences aren't worth it. Then you have guilt about that. Guilt loops time and again and its exhausting.
turning down a narc is a form of self love. still learning how to not feel guilty. thank you for this
Yeap that was me, whenever I didn't give into him or his narc mother, I would feel guilty. Everyone supported the narcs, because they wore a different mask when they were around people and I ended up being the 'bad' one.
So true
11:45
"You can't win. "
Anyone trying to escape the zero-sum world of the narc, where they only win when you lose (and they *exist* to win), must accept this to get their first breath of fresh air.
There is no win-win, and there is never a tie.
Disengage, take any young'ns that can't defend themselves, and RUN.
Distance is your friend, and where you'll find new, real friends.
Stay strong.
Been there done that. I think they get a kick out of this making people feel guilty.
I've been made to feel guilty from a very young age (i'm nearly 35) that i don't show any emotions to anyone but myself, when i'm on my own. People call me out on it and call me a sociopath because i show and give nothing away. When i do show emotions to these people the call me hyper sensitive. People can't understand why it's easy for me to walk away from them.
Sometimes you feel guilty when youâre about to leave and then they start acting normal and nice..
Unfounded guilt is a legacy of early childhood trauma! One concludes they must have caused the trouble around us!
Setting boundaries with my narcissistic sister in law and borderline mother in law backfired. They smear campaigned me behind my back. When my husband was at work, the MIL scolded me for 30 minutes for stealing his son away. After that My husband asked me to talk to her more from now on. I felt guilty about it. I canât take this anymore.
My husband is doing the same! He needs to respect my boundaries and understand i canât contact his toxic narcissist mother in law
Thank god I only see my partnerâs mom only 1-2 times a month. I would go crazy if she was toxic
My narc parents have me feeling guilty for just wanting to live like a normal, healthy human being. I want a good job/career? GUILT! I want to move into a nice place? GUILT! I want to buy myself a new car? GUILT! When I got accepted into university. GUILT! I called off of work because I wasn't feeling well. GUILT! I want to run to Starbucks and get a cup of coffee? GUILT! I just want to take a long hot bath? GUILT! I bought a new pair of shoes? GUILT! I picked up a sandwich from the deli? GUILT!
Literally every and any thing that I do, no matter how small or insignificant it is, my narc parents will make me feel guilty for doing it. Just recently I bought a new sleeping bonnet for my hair, and despite the fact that my mom has at least 10 of her own, she got mad and pouted and stomped around with a nasty attitude for an entire week. I felt so bad and so guilty for it, and I wished that I had never even bought the damn thing!!
Sounds like mine as well. Add in a narcissist sibling and no wonder Iâve struggled with guilt all my life. Moving away and learning these things has helped me to start getting healthy though. Itâs crazy the things we can feel guilty about.
One of the major complicated reasons I was with someone covertly narcissistic was because not only did I not know any better, but just like when you're waiting for that day of empathy from them, good people are so rare to find you spend so long waiting for someone good you forget how selfish people can be. And it really takes a painful fall (a terrible relationship) to taint you in such a way that you never forget the pain and instead choose to wait it out for the healthy one rather than giving in
I feel guilty for not helping my dad even though he's not even trying to do his own stuff. I feel guilty for standing my own ground and not letting him use me as a tool yet again. I feel guilt for never wanting to call my dad ever again. But the anger is there, the reminder of the abuse is there - the guilt is a lie. I refuse to be my father's slave anymore.
Recently I've just sat with the guilt feeling and let it pass after not appeasing the narcissist. It was so very empowering and eye-opening.
Leila Jane,You look cute dear
Leila Jane,You look cute dear
Sooooo very true!! I'm going through this exact thing!! They enjoy knowing your struggling emotionally, mentally and physically! They feed on knowing they made you co- dependant and then blame it on you! It's always about their wants, needs and feelings! It's way too much to deal with! Prayers please! It hurts when you find out they enjoy knowing your in so much pain!!
Katina Harden,You look stunning,hope you are not with a narcissist....
Or gosh, having previously been in a life long narcissistic marriage secretly longing for the day they would die....thats when you know you're in a bad place...it took me 33 years to get woke....still trying to wrap my mind around it all...You have been a huge part of my success.â€
I'm sorry you went through that
Hope you're getting over it
Are you still in it ? Almost 33 years for me
@@clairebearie87 still learning....gosh...and I'm learning.....thanks for the love!â€
And I've been out....for almost 4 years now! Never looking back except to learnđ
@@lusalmon955 such a rude awakening, I've been in a serious relationship for 33 yrs (married 25) he's so immature at times, it would be easier to grow a dick so to be on the same wavelength as him, be on Mars too. Bon weekend from French Canada everyone.
What if it is not only guilt but also straight out FEAR.. fear that you will still be "punished?"
Hi, I have a Covert/Malignant boss who's always punishes me for only reasons he has to create. I started journaling every little event that I knew was crossing the line as proof. The other thing I do & have no hesitation on is whatever verbal threats he'll tell me either alone or in front of his flying chimps...I'll repeat what he said in public making it sound like I'm just making sure we're still on. So, if you are around that person in a public setting, pull out you phone & let them know you'd like to schedule your "punishment," what time works best for you (showing no emotion) Let that marinade w/ everyone. They can't stand being called out.
I agree
This made me cry, cry for all the guilt I have felt for the past 10 years. Guilt even for when I have done nothing wrong. I wish I would have know sooner.
Every video i watch, hits every single circumstance that i have , and continue to, endure!!!!
I just googled âI feel guilty leaving my narcissistâ when I saw Dr Ramani posted this, thanks perfect timing! I made my ick lost, Iâve intellectualized this experience to the enth-degree. I have my proof of what Iâm living, I know it. I blocked him. Then I unblocked him because I felt guilty for âabandoningâ him. I feel all of this.
Please let him go. If you don't, he'll ruin you for having had enough. I know this, because I've lived it. They will take revenge on you, even if you were perfectly right about walking away when they were mistreating you.
Iâve been NC with my narcissistic father for about a year. I was feeling super guilty today since itâs his birthday but now I feel reassured that I did nothing wrong and Iâm just maintaining a needed boundary. Thank you for this video and message. I really needed to hear it
30 years, been out for 4 months almost. No contact. This video is me. Still feeling guilty although rationally, I know I shouldn't. First psych appointment 12.02.. I know I did the right thing, just need to square it in my head.
Everyday since I told him itâs over and time to sell the house. Before that he guilted me so bad for putting him into jail for physically attacking me. He got out of jail on a felony charge and I stayed 17 years longer. I felt I owed him. He told me I owed him. Crazy how traumatized I was into believing everything. My eyes are open and no more.
I've not had a guilt problem, but was taken back by the number of "friends" who fell for the smear campaign.
Always interesting and often surprising to see who falls for the smear campaign
Wow never even considered not having to feel guilty for my own thoughts and that they are private and ok... this was profound đ§ Thankyou
If I told my ex how his words damage people's self esteem ,he would laugh and feel proud.
Because of his style of talking, people would stop talking to him and he would take it as 'I'm so good that people are jealous and get threatened so they stop talking to me.I'm so proud of myself'.
How do you tackle such people
I have so much guilt, that I shouldn't. Dr. Ramani is right it's the glue in the trauma-bonded relationship. My husband who I'm trying to leave, makes me feel so guilty, but is so unhealthy for me. There is no rationalizing, it doesn't work. I do feel guilty having my boundaries, but only when he calls me out on it. I feel empowered most of the time having these boundaries. Why can't it be easier to keep my boundaries? He is the one who did everything, doesn't take any responsibility, it's just my job to fix it. Guilt is so ugly.
Melanie Davis,You look gorgeous đ·đč,You donât need a narcissist in your life!
Forever feeling guilty about EVERYTHING!!! đ
Me and my mother... when I stand my ground she then acts like I was the bad person and walks around pouting or wonât speak to me and I have to fight with all the energy I have to not run and apologize to her. I feel Immense amounts of guilt. Why did I even open my mouth why couldnât I let it go why donât I just stop am I the bully now..
My ex narc always wanted me to feel guilty. She still tries to make me feel guilty on social media sometimes.
Doing no contact...I will eventually get over her.
My mom is a narcissist but has zero self awareness. She thinks because she went to Actualizations a gazillion years ago she has insight but she doesn't. She will do things that are so upsetting to me and then ask me why I never call her "like her friend's daughter's do" and I gently tell her that she hurt me and why and she says " I can't breath now...and how am I supposed to finish playing golf when you've upset me so much"...the best is
"you have a need to always make me wrong" or " do I ever do anything right?' There's a very specific feeling I get in my body when she pulls her crap and when I start to feel it I have come to understand that I have to walk away and not be honest w her because she turns everything everything everything around where she acts like a victim and i'm left feeling terrible and guilty.It's a basic nightmare!!!Thanks for this amazing information @DoctorRamani
I recently felt guilty for expressing my mind. I was disturb about a problem that was occurring in my surroundings and I reassemble my courage to speak up and tell what was troubling me. Well... it ended up badly. This person reacted by insulting me and even go as far as questioning my mental sanity and he ridiculised me in school by making me pass for someone who is stupid or rebellious and I ended up with my institution against me. In order to end this mess I was force to apologise to have spoken my mind and even when I know that this person over exagerated because a mature individual does not react that way I still fight the feeling of guilt to have spoken up my mind.
Don't ever feel guilty for speaking your mind, unless you realize you were speaking out of hatred and not love. In that case, your guilt is appropriate, because you know you did something you didn't mean to/you think is wrong/you wish you could have worded better, etc. But you have your mind like everyone else. Your opinion is worth no more or no less than anyone else's. (In the fact that you are a human being and you can express yourself if you want to. Not every opinion is expressing a valid/true thing, but that is irrelevant to this scenario. Not everyone has to agree with what you say or like what you say, but they should allow you the freedom to say what is on your mind. F- that forcing an apology crap. It is a meaningless waste and is usually just an exercise in power. Sorry you had to deal with that.
@@laurenbatson5918 thanks
Thank you Dr.Ramani. You are my life coach.
Dr Ramani and medcircle are amazing healers. đđ
I Love her
congratulations for this video. again i feel like itâs the story of my life. thank you Dr Ramani.
Wow... This made me cry. My biggest guilt is always about how my actions and or words may or may not have hurt someone else's feelings. It has mostly made me a very closed up individual. Most of my adult life has been spent making decisions solely based on attempting to prevent hurt of others. It has unfortunately hurt me emotionally the most and it is psychologically exhausting. I was trained at a very young age to always put others first, which is a great quality of myself, except the fact that I have taken it to a harmful extreme and at 40 yrs old I am uncomfortably trying to put myself on the same quality pedestal as I do others, HOWEVER I feel guilty EVERY time I do something that is only for me.... Working through this in therapy has been helpful..... Guilt is why I stay with my Narcissist husband, not guilt for him, guilt about how damaging it could be for my kids if I asked him to leave....... I have 4 more years left before my youngest is 18..... It feels like eternity on really bad days.
Yes, thank you so much Dr Ramani. I'm not sure how I'd cope at the moment without all your videos
Excellent video! Thank you. Guilt-tripping is something that narcissists use to prevent themselves from being accountable for their own behaviour.
Toxicly positive people thrust guilt when we detach. Thanks Dr. Ramani đ
Liz Thomas,You are absolutely gorgeous,hope you are not with a narcissist.....
Liz Thomas,You look stunning đ·,You donât need a narcissist in your life!
I was just thinking to myself last night, I've been SO HAPPY, and I'm loving this pandemic, because it gives you guilt free pass.
I'm loving it too for that reason. I think it's also given time for reflection and slowing down, to be able to see these patterns.
đđđđŻ
Good Morning everyone !!
"Guilt is the glue of the narcissistic relationship." That is so true!
I recognize this shit.
- It's so silly, cause the narc doesn't care đ
I binge-watch all your videos. You're the only one who can relate to me. Thank u so much â„ïž
That "call" you describe is exactly why I avoid calling my aunt. I can not handle hearing her talk crap about everyone and go on and on about how much of a victim she is!
They leave you guilty when your're setting new bounderies and you stay focus on what is positive for you.
Thank you. Therapy has helped me. It is "taboo" in my culture. Wow. Guilt = trauma bonding. Wow!
Iâm just coming to terms with all of the narcissists Iâve been abused by for years. It hurts so much. But Iâm so glad thereâs professionals like you to bring this up and not feel so alone. â€ïž
THIS CHANNEL IS LIFE-SAVING. so grateful for all this knowledge. much love to all survivors, and much courage to leave for everyone who is still being narcissistically abused... narcissists are broken people. you deserve to be loved and to feel save.
I have watched this video a few times in moments of crisis. It has helped me tremendously to work through feelings of guilt that are not necessary or reasonable for me to have.
Is not engaging in conversations with the rude and nasty in-laws wrong? Why should I feel guilty for?
Dr. Ramani is saying that you shouldnât feel guilty for not engaging in conversations with rude and nasty in laws
@@Johnsmith47890 thank you for your support. After I set my boundaries, my MIL scolded me while my husband was not around. She hated the boundary and accused me of not wanting to talk to her. My husband asked me to talk to her more as a way to make her happy.
@@woopiemiddleman8232 it amounts to narcs wanting you to feel guilty for not wanting to be their emotional punching bag. Itâs supposed to be okay to be rude and abusive to you and by setting up a boundary, youâre not going along with their program. These narcs donât like their superiority being questioned.
No amount of explaining will help them change. Keep up the boundary you set and thereby stand up for what is right for all people. Good work!
These people calling me "controlling" and "tyrant" behind my back. As if they are describing themselves. Thanks for your support!
@@woopiemiddleman8232 youâre welcome đ.....
Wow Iâm learning so much I am finally setting boundaries and putting myself first and the guilt and shame narcissistic friends have created I had no idea I am better off without those people
One of the ways guilt has manifested itself into my behavior is via disorganization and trouble setting priorities. I commented to a therapist once that I wanted to unlock why I was having trouble prioritizing my art studio business. I said that my basic trouble was a nagging feeling that whatever it was I was doing, be it housework, gardening, artwork (especially artwork), accounting and bookkeeping, etc., I should be doing something else. She replied rather casually, âOh, thatâs guilt.â I had never considered that. I never identified how guilt had manifested itself in my approach to my day-to-day life. In fact, if thereâs one recurring theme in my life itâs that the narcissists in my life growing up, especially my mother, basically misidentified my feelings for me so that I grew up not recognizing my own distress and unhappiness and a whole spectrum of feelings. Even now, via meditation, I am learning what my actual feelings are and how to categorize them properly.
Dr. Ramani, you are a godsend. I cannot express how often you accurately describe the details of my family life. Itâs almost creepy. Now, I just laugh at how spot on you are, point at the screen and shout, âYES! THAT!â
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You continue to make a huge difference. â€ïžâ€ïžâ€ïž
This feels amazing! Thankyou so much. I feel so guilty about going no contact with my sister that I think about it obsessively. Journaling and meditating is helping.
A younger girl and I were telling life stories and she came up with the best slogan or
she heard it somewhere before. And I never forgot and sometimes even use this
slogan on certain people. "Pack my bags because I'm going on a guilt trip." I guess
as you age, if you're lucky...you'll learn to let whatever anyone says roll off your back.
This is my life story, guilt. Constant guilt. I'm reminded of a line from whatever Rocky movie, when the girlfriend yells, You can't win!!!
My son used to say, you can't win so don't play the game. Luckily he was able to go NC with his dad, my husband. It's not possible for some of us, so therapy & videos like this one are extremely helpful. Thank you Dr Romani, for reminding me, once again, that its NOT MY FAULT
Took me years to step out of the guilt zone, and that was my family of origin.... I think the family of origin is the worst case scenario to suffer from narc abuse, the more so when they cast you as the scape goat.
Especially in catholic families; guilt works like a charm.
WOW are you kidding me. Just when I question or doubt that this person is a narc, your video comes to save the day! WOW. Such a great video. Thank you.
Thank You so much, it has always just bewildered me what all the feelings of guilt were about. It was so confusing. Thank you for addressing this. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it and all the tremendous guilt I carried/carry.
Lisa Veiga,You got a lovely smile đ
I feel guilty when I start talking about my feelings. Every time I talk about how I feel my partner is somehow letting me know that he does not like talking about emotions and as I result I feel guilty for bringing this up. I stopped talking about how I feel because he does not want to hear about this!
Thank you for making this video. I really needed to hear this, guilt has been eating me up on the down low for years now. I will no longer feel guilty for not wanting to be around the narcissists in my life.
This lady is so damn good at what she does... Dr. Ramani is spot on.
This video speaks so much to me, I feel like crying. Thank you! â€ïž
Jaclyn E,You got a lovely smile i
Ugh yes, guilt in all the wrong places. It even took me a long time to get the courage to post here, partially for lack of privacy but also just because i feel guilty for talking about it. I also don't talk about this with the few friends I have left either, it feels like i'm violating some sacred pact or something smh. The whole thing is crazy because its so far from the type of person I was.
It's liberating to talk about the narcissist, but there are very few people I feel "safe" expressing myself to. It's taken me a very long time to even think about my feelings to myself! Healing takes time and patience, I'm in it for the long haul.
Be kind to yourself. â€
I feel like this video was made for me. Thank you Dr Ramani for addressing this! This has been the hardest part of my recovery. Reading the comments has made me feel like I am not alone. Thank you for all that you do! đ
Oh thank you for helping me realize I do not have to feel guilty about the neg thoughts of my narc relatives. Those a holes!
Youâve helped me more than I can ever explain to find the strength to leave my narc, I will forever thank you!!
I have a narcissistic covert mother in law. Whenever i feel insulted or hurt by her i complain to my husband he always takes out my past relationships. I don't understand how to stop it
Run! âșïž
So you have a narcissistic husband too then. Many narcissists raise narcissists.
They are too close. I'd never say anything against my husband to his mom or vice versa. That's dangerous territory. I'd just know they would both have each other's backs & I'd be the bad guy just for saying anything. I know you probably think because he's your husband, he should stand by you but you're banging your head on the wall, over & over. Find someone else to talk to, a therapist, or even a friend that can empathize with you. Don't set yourself up by playing their game! Take your ball & go home!
Thank you for speaking about this! Itâs sooo needed! It took me YEARS to stop feeling guilty about things I was NOT guilty of, & feelings I had...
Iâm only now feeling okay in my own skin. I NEED to hear these things regularly, in order to stay âokay.â
Dr Ramani, the people you help, are the ones with pure hearts and good intentions. like birds kept in cages, the people with the mindset that could change the world, are locked down by narcissists. your work empowers many to rise up. the universe has had enough, and it speaks boldly thru your words.
Lol! OmG! I donât remember right now what I was feeling guilty about while I was listening to this but, yes! We feel guilty for speaking up, or for thinking something negative.. on and on until we get comfortable realizing we have the human right to have an opinion and thoughts different than those trying to control and oppress us.