Does ABA Therapy Work In The Real World? Autism At The Grocery
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- čas přidán 5. 09. 2024
- The question is, does ABA therapy work for autism in the real world? Yes! It isn't just for the clinic, it has a place and a purpose in everyday life and it works! In this autism vlog we show you how ABA has been the best autism therapy we've been a part of based on measurable gains when we stick to her treatment plan. This is how our child on the autism spectrum has learned to successfully navigate the grocery store without meltdowns, tantrums and defiance.
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Yeah have you tried not forcing her to go grocery shopping. That may help. The reason why she starts to "lose it" at the end is because she is experiencing sensory overload and by the end of grocery shopping she has had enough of the sensory things you are subjecting her to.
Or, better yet, take her to a grocery store that has reserved hours for those who want a more calmer shopping experience. Several stores are doing that now.
Yeah. I'm an autistic adult. This was painful to watch them ignore her behaviors when she's clearly communicating distress. All they're concerned with is getting her to act "normal," not identifying her needs. I need earplugs when I go to the shops, and sometimes it's still too much. I leave when I've had enough to avoid a meltdown. They're just teaching her to suppress.
@@RymVri108 Yep. I'm an autistic 21 year old. Watching this was painful.
When I go grocery shopping I bring my Bluetooth earbuds and sunglasses, put on a podcast to block out all the little grocery store noises, and follow my list that I've organized by aisle based on my memorization of the grocery store I frequent. I have a discreet fidget in my pocket to ground me and in a worst case scenario I can call my mother and she'll talk me through whatever I'm struggling to do, including but not limited to putting her on speakerphone while I checkout. And if I need to sit on the floor for a minute, like she tried to do, I pull the cart out of the way to sit on the floor and collect myself.
They're not teaching her life skills. They're overstimulating and exhausting the poor kid.
@@gwelwynn For real!!! I have to sit on the floor to rest in stores (I'm 34) for pretty much any trip longer than 15-30 min... there are a lot of conditions common in autistic folk that are benefited by a rest while shopping (EDS, POTS, ME/CFS, etc) too!
You can’t train sensory overload out of someone. She will always be overloaded. The only thing that may change is she’ll be defeated and depressed and will stop communicating her overload to the people who are supposed to care for her.
What they’re doing is like forcing someone to remove hot dishes from the oven without oven mitts and telling them they have to get through the pain.
At least provide her with some earphones and sunglasses to limit the overload.
Her "misbehaving" seems more like expressions of overwhelm. Grocery stores can trigger serious sensory overload for many autistics including myself, I can barely last 20 minutes in Walmart. Why put her through all that? There are other grocery options that even non-autistic adults use that don't require going into a store. Online shopping + delivery was a godsend for me. I don't see any reason to force in-person grocery shopping on Abby when she clearly doesn't want it.
Also, "working through it" when it comes to sensory overwhelm is not healthy. Imagine standing right next to a constant fire alarm or blaring siren, and you're not allowed to leave or cover your ears... and others expect you to "work through it" with searing pain in your ears. It doesn't make sense.
Thank you for saying this, I totally agree
I completely agree, I could see her discomfort rise as time went on and it makes me sad. Why not at least provide ear defenders or plugs? A hat or sunglasses? I bet if some of the sensory input is removed she would be able to last longer and be a lot more comfortable. I wear earplugs in the grocery store and it helps immensely.
She needs to do it. To get more comfortable with it. They don’t bring her every time and izeah can stay home with her all the time
Ikr. OF COURSE she tries to escape bc of the noise and bright lights. It's not bad behavior it's sensory overload. All behavior is communication.
@@court3197 correct! I even have to have noise canceling headphones. (I have ADHD myself and sensory overload/overwhelm can come with it too).
I feel bad for this poor girl. Look, I get it’s an old video and you didn’t have bad intentions but I just can’t help but notice some things. In this video she is clearly distressed, overstimulated, and is trying to escape the environment she was forced into. All she wants to do is to please her family so she goes along with it until she’s exhausted, knowing she has to bottle up her emotions and do her best to suppress her stimming behaviors. I don’t know about you, but that is definitely not a healthy thing to teach your children. Have you even tried a solution where she can express discomfort? What about tinted dark glasses? What about ear defenders?
Sincerely, an actual autistic person who knows what they’re talking about.
I have not seen a single pro ABA video that talks about the well being of the children, only about how well they perform tasks.
This one literally calls stimming "misbehaving".
agreed! OF COURSE she tries to escape loud and bright places.
@@schwarzerritter5724 what do U suggest
This video made me cry.
@@danielmoore4024 so u have no answer . How do u think the parents feel ? It’s both of them that have to go thru life together and the guardian is trying to make it better then do nothing at all
I find grocery stores to be extremely overstimulating. Always have. I used to just have to suffer through it because my meltdowns were treated like temper tantrums. Now I allow myself to be as comfortable as I can. I have to wear earplugs and preferably sunglasses for the lights and follow a specific path through the grocery store if possible to have an okay time. I still get overstimulated but it helps. Ignoring my distress did not help.
PSA to new parents, if your child is autistic do not leash them / restrain them ever, nor should you bribe your children to do things they dont want to with food. Thats honestly disgusting to me as a person with autism .
I also have autism but I’m a child
Huh?
This isnt even an Autism thing people do that with all kids what? "if you dont eat your vegtable you get no dessert" is abuse?
@@TintelinusNo. it’s not. But restraining is abuse. Bribing your child isn’t abuse but it is very bad for teaching them how life works.
That wasn't her misbehaving, that was her panicking.
I get that you want to teach her "life skills", but blatantly ignoring it when she's very visibly distressed is only going to teach her that her feelings and opinions don't matter and that she has to go along with everything other people say.
Don’t think it was panicking, it was just noncompliance.
@@teaartist6455 If going to a place like a grocery store is "torture" then yes you probably need some help with that. It's a grocery store.
Exactly I think any neurodivergent child learns life skills better when has the chance to feel understood and listened and not to be forced to cancel their behaviours since we can not control for example sensory overload. I have a double configuration, adhd and autism. So I used to have a lot of fun at the grocery store, but at the same time I used to be overwhelmed by some perceptions, for example the cold from the fridges, the voices from the crowd, and certain lights.
@@kikidoesitallthat’s what autism causes.
When she laid down in the middle of the grocery aisle...I felt that on a spiritual level.
I HATE grocery shopping sometimes.
she’s obviously in pain and by not letting her leave or at least take a break when she wants to you’re teaching her that her natural response to an overwhelming environment is bad. i’m autistic and probably not as sensitive as she seems to be but if i got grabbed like she did even once i would probably shut down hard
By not letting her leave they are teaching to overcome things she doesn't want to do
I don't see her being "obviously in pain", like at any point in this video..
@A Blind M0use so you say..
@A Blind M0use how do you know their "neurology" is exactly the same as yours? Maybe you should embrace the potential that people are more "diverse" than that and don't all think or learn the same way.
So you know how everyone with autism feels just because you are autistic?
As an ABA therapist, is say, GREAT job guys!! It's awesome to see parents who are involved in the treatment and application of strategies. Sadly that is not always the case. However it is the only way to be successful. Parents like you are an absolute joy to work with!!! Way to go!!!
Theresa Alexin Thanks for the comments. We learned very quickly that a couple hours a week of ABA wasn't going to make a difference. It surprised us how quickly it becomes part of our life naturally. Thanks for watching!
I'm interested in how you were able to become an ABA therapist. There is a massive need for it in my area, but certification is usually about 2 years, 30 credits, and about $15,000.
Theresa Alexin I
google entry level aba because their are a lot of places that will train you and i don't think it takes that long.
Ill tell you what mate try and give her the aac device that has the voice in it only that would calm her can you do that Sir
How long is the shopping trip? If the supermarket is too stimulating what is the point of making her suffer through it? You can buy stuff online now so as an adult there's no need to go to the grocery store. Isn't this an example of ABA trying to force neurotypical behavior from people with autism? I don't see the point in training someone to act a certain way, conditioning them to the behavior. All I've read is bad things about ABA....saying this as a mom with a toddler and a new autism diagnosis
@@emilygwynneth1278 She really doesn't though. 1. These expectations are arbitrary and based on allistic norms. 2. Plenty of autistic adults manage these tasks (shopping for their needs) without having to push themselves beyond their capacity. 3. Exposure to sensory trauma does not increase one's capacity for sensory experience and causes TRAUMA. 4. Independence is a myth that doesn't exist for anyone - abled or disabled. We are all interdependent.
“The more we shop, the less compliant she becomes.” GEE, I WONDER WHY? Maybe, perhaps, take her outside for a bit to recharge?
That would reinforce the negative behavior
@@piperj2461they literally said “if we give in and leave, that reinforces the behavior”
@@piperj2461Are you genuinely not a smart human being? Autism causes sensory overloads in places like stores. Her “negative behavior” is her being overwhelmed and scared
As a 43 yr old aspie, i still avoid the supermarket due to the space, echo, light, freezing cold, crowds etc, nightmare! Abby did so well, feel rather silly that she did way better than me. Next time i have to go supermarket, will definitely think of abby and will give me the strenght to do it. cheers guys x lots of love x
I have Asperger's and I can't leave my house do to my anxiety. I'd love to get out and go place.
I get sensory overload
@Asperger's tk likes yea i can totally relate to that! I can leave the house but only to do specific things... I.e to take my kids to school, take them to the Dr, grocery shopping. Working is a different ball game lol... Just the thought of it causes me EXTREME anxiety. Yes i only have mild autism a.k.a asperger..but the challenges are so difficult.
Me too, especially when shops play music constantly... Thank goodness for online shopping!
I think a better idea rather than force yourself to deal with sensory overload like what they subjected Abagail to. Perhaps get something to aid your pain and senses. Like having earbuds or noise cancelling headphones so the crowds and echo aren't as loud and intense and get tinted sunglasses so the light isn't as bothering.
LMAO YOU NEVER GLISTEN TO ME. JUST LEMIE SHINE.
Also Abby laying on the floor is exactly how I feel when I have to grocery shop too 😂
Indica Rose Ugh, me too. Priscilla does all the grocery shopping. I HATE the grocery...HAY-TUH!
Interesting
Indica Rose me too. Bahaha
Me too
I just reached that "Hey Dad look. You never Glisten to me, just Lemi Shine!" part and I keep watching it because it's so funny.
Most grocery stores are bright. I have to wear sunglasses because the lights hurt my eyes.
How about just ordering your groceries online instead of putting your kid through the sensory overwhelm? She probably spent all her spoons on that activity and was clearly telling you that she was in pain and needed to leave. That's not misbehavior, it's communication. Stop trying to make your kid neurotypical.
yes, I get how abby is feeling, I am a 41 year old with Autism, and CAN'T handle crouded shopping malls where I am, 1hour and my capacity is DONE!!; one tip, go to a small shop, and do a series of small shops, 20 minutes or so, then AIR out in the carpark, local park, etc. this bleeds the stress off, and refreshes the capacity we have for this "social jungle", allowing us to go to the next shop, in as CALM a condition we were in at the start of the day :-))
I agree. I totally get it how it feels. I am diagnosed with ADHD and sensory issues are common in it too. I also experience some of the crossover traits of autism. Idk if I am bc I can't afford to get diagnosed or be believed. But yeah I totally understand sensory overload and overwhelm. I as a 32 year old adult have to use noise cancelling headphones or ear defenders so she should be able to too. Helping with the shopping probably tires her out more too. Let her use her headphones and zone out until it's done, what so wrong with that. am i right.
@@danielmoore4024 They want their daughter to learn life skills like going to the grocery store so she can learn to purchase food items to eat? I don't understand how that makes them "ableists". Do people with autism not need to eat???
I have Asperger's. I'm working on pushing the cart I'm very clumsy and it hard to not clip people's hills. I'm allso working on reading labels because I'm gluten and dairy free.
I just want to say, that I'm proud of you, I too have autism, life is a struggle, but remember you are never alone!
It is incredibly abusive, to try and make someone like yourself. I live every day with autism and I hate going places like that for a reason. Instead of making her like your unappealing self, reach her real self, and let her light shine. SHAME ON YOU. You are not helping her, you are torturing her.
They are helping her. They are helping her to able to go about society.
@@emilygwynneth1278 you can’t hide in the house forever. Sincerely, autistic person here ❤️
Maybe you should talk to some verbal children and adults with autism, and ask them what they think of ABA?
This is why we get angry and call ABA abuse. This entire video, Abby is clearly in extreme pain and simply is able to hide it at first. As she stays there longer, the pain becomes more and more intolerable. The stress build up of the experience means she likely has meltdowns over seemingly minor things - in reality, the minor trigger is only causing a meltdown because of the built up stress from the grocery store.
Why not try sensory damping like sunglasses or ear protectors? Just because she does not express pain, does not mean she does not feel it. Notice her stimming. Behaviour is communication
She was playful and rambunctious throughout the entire trip to the grocery. I would recommend watching more videos and you will learn Abbie's personality. These behaviors were pretty typical of being in an ornery mood for her. She has never been able to wear hats, glasses, headphones, hearing protection, etc. She won't even keep a scrunchie in her hair so we have to use the tiny rubber hair ties to keep it out of her face.
@@fatheringautism "Playful and rambunctious throughout the entire trip"? I don't know where you've been getting your autism information from, but Abbie was clearly lying on the floor in pain. That supermarket should have sensory-friendly hours for people like your daughter. It is not an accessible place for her right now.
@@natesportyboy4939 It’s astounding how out of touch people can be. Do you see what you want to see? I can’t think of another scenario that would make any more sense. Are you projecting to come to this conclusion? I’m perplexed that some people can watch something on the internet and think they have a more enlightened understanding of the situation than the people that were actually present and have been living this for the last 16 years. Where do I get my “autism information” from? Kinda obvious isn’t it?
@@fatheringautism You can't think of a scenario that would make any more sense because you've been miseducated about what Abbie's behavior actually is. It's not misbehavior, it's a legitimate meltdown and therefore an expression of pain. She could not handle those lights. Either someone had to have told you that she was "misbehaving" or your ideas about Abbie's behavior are based on traditional societal norms that work for most people but not for Abbie.
@@natesportyboy4939 Nah bud. You make too many assumptions. I learned autism through my daughter. That wasn’t a meltdown. You see her lay on the floor one time and assume it’s a meltdown? You don’t think I know what my child’s meltdowns and sensory overloads look like?
Thank you for making these videos it definitely helps other autism family’s.
Don't most of us just want to throw are self's on floor after awhile of grocery shopping. We are s definitely tired afterwards. Weather physically or mentally we all are tired by time comes to put stuff on conveyer. Abby just can't stop herself from doing what a lot of times other ppl wish they could do.
I wonder if she throws herself on the floor especially in the case of this video because the floor in front of the refrigerated sections are cooler than the floor in the rest of the store. (probably wouldn't count if it occurs in a normal aisle though)
I've used a child restraint on my son, too. I don't care if others think I am treating him like a dog. I rather grab a lease than carry a casket.
@Poundcake What do you suggest then? Do you have a child on the spectrum? Even if you did your child is not HER child. Having autism does not give you the right to tell others how to care for their children. People like you troll videos and comments just to gaslight and project your own issues onto others and you guys never offer any alternative solutions. You simply just show up just to be disrespectful and try to shut others down.
I’m not sure what kind of Leash you use or whatever, but as someone with autism who has been on child restraints before, I recommend that if your child is nonverbal, or semiverbale, to give him a communication tool, such as a tablet with a communication app on it so he can say if he wants to go somewhere or he’s overwhelmed.
If he’s verbal, you could try to teach him to say that he wants to go somewhere when he wants to, or to say that he’s overwhelmed.
I totally get the child leash thing, it’s scary to have your kid run away. But If you teach him how to communicate sensory overload and wanting to go somewhere, when you need to start leashing him less, it’ll be easier
Instead of training children like animals to behave in ways you expect that are really not necessary, how about understanding how they think and feel and letting them live a life true to who they are? This is just setting a vulnerable young person up for mental illness and distress. It is so, so hard to watch. Never mind that she might not want this on the internet and has not been given any choice anywhere.
So they shouldn’t bring her to a grocery store or they should let her run all over the store and writhe on the floor? What is the alternative here? How is bringing your child to the grocery store treating her like an animal?
@@KatTheTruth Don't force autistic children to go to places or do things that distress them if it isn't necessary for them to be there. Repeated exposure doesn't lessen the stress, it builds and reinforces it. (ABA has been shown to not only be ineffective but to cause PTSD. It's an intrinsically abusive practice.) If you really want to understand more there is a great deal of writing easily available about why this is so harmful.
@@linden5165 I agree. There are some things which it is appropriate for Autistic people to learn to tolerate through exposure therapy but that is only with their consent. I slowly increased my own tolerance to various things like brushing my teeth and hair, warm temperature liquids, and soft touches from animals and people. These are all things I did on my own though, without assistance from a therapist, because I had a desire to have better hygiene, be able to feel somewhat comfortable being casually or accidentally toucher by others, etc. I've also helped other Autistic people build their tolerance to various things so they can do things they want to do. I helped one nine-year-old little boy build his tolerance for waiting so that he'd be willing to make things in the microwave rather than eat more Doritos and now I'm currently in the process of helping a 7-year-old Autistic girl build her tolerance to loud noises because she wants to play at recess without headphones so she can better understand what her friends are saying.
I'm curious if you know about Flava Fran and if you do, I'm wondering what you think about her living arrangement. If you don't know her, watch her "Living in Assisted Living in ur 20s | Day in the Life". I personally wish that there were more communities like this available for everyone. I think that there are a lot of life skills which some of us just don't feel like mastering and it'd be really nice if more communities like Fran's existed where those extra supports were built in.
@@linden5165 Lol what? ABA has been proven by thousands of empirically-backed reports to be the most effective procedure to help those on the autism spectrum live more independent and enriched lives. Contrary to what you said, I have one interesting article in particular debunking the PTSD issue you mentioned. Google this, it's an interesting read.
"Concerns About ABA‑Based Intervention: An Evaluation
and Recommendations" (Leif, 2021) in the Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders.
So, can you cite the scientific articles showing a direct link between ABA and PTSD? No, I don't think you can.
Behavioral therapist and autism sibling here. Abby puts up with a lot of demands at the store. I love that you guys do a reinforcer, you'd be surprised how many parents don't think about that. I also love that you're teaching life skills like this so early. My brother is 26 and we've just now in the past few years started to really focus on skills like this (of course when he was Abby's age ABA wasn't a thing so we were making up stuff as we go along).
notdonebaking Thanks for the input and thanks for watching! You know how that goes. Every demand used to need reinforcement. That was back when we'd only take her for a handful of things. Now we can get through an entire aisle for just a morsel of edible reinforcer. At her school she is in a vocational class. She is learning to fold clothes, clean, and she even helps prep lunch for her school mates. It's an awesome program. You can see some of this in our occupational therapy video.
FatheringAutism Abbey is awesome! Grocery stores make me want to run away too, lol. for the longest time I would walk out without taking back my change or I would leave my groceries there at the check out stand and go home with out them, not realizing what happened for years! Guess what I got my autism diagnosis on 11-14-16. at 32 years old! They did not realize that it might be needed for them to actually tell me that I was diagnosed with autism and in my case telling me may or may not process so showing me would have been much more helpful! Dear lord how did I ever pull off being a behavior assistant? shows the amount of skills I have lost. hoping to get some back now.
At the end of the day, people with autism have spoken and there is a disturbing trend saying ABA is an abusive practice. If you are modifying behavior for the comfort of others and not the comfort of the person exhibiting behaviors then you're doing therapy for the wrong reasons. They dragged their daughter into an environment that's a struggle for many ND folks with absolutely no supportive intervention plan in place. No ear protectors, no stim toys and no way for her to opt out when it became too overwhelming. This video showed active psychological abuse and that is a hill I am willing to die on. There is no attempt to make healthy modifications to help her in this situation like going to a smaller store, going at a quiet time of day or simply not taking her at all. Please LISTEN to the autistic voices. Just because Abby can't use her voice to that extent yet there are plenty of other people with ASD who DO and are telling you that ABA needs to stop.
If only they listened to us... Let's be honest they couldn't care less about what we have to say. It's frustrating
Not that you'll see this but I saw this video featured on another video. Please get the child sensory accommodations. There is no reason she should have to suffer as she did. Wearing headphones helps me a lot as does sunglasses.
CZcams comments show up for creators in the order they were posted rather than the age of the video. If you allow yourself to be gaslighted by another source sharing this video then you might think she was “suffering”. This is most definitely not how my daughter acts when she is in distress. Having known her for nearly 17 years now I can say this with absolute certainty. That being said, she will not wear headphones or eyewear because of sensory issues with it and we don’t force her to.
We have developed multiple sensory diets for her over the years and made endless accommodations for her sensory needs and we will continue to for the rest of her life. Try not to make drive-by assumptions…especially when someone else tells you how to think before you have the chance to do it yourself.
You need to stop viewing Abby as 'misbehaving' when SHE doesn't do what YOU want her to. She has different sensory needs to you and she gets distressed when you push her. Why won't you just take her shopping when it's quieter? Allow her to do a smaller shop? Practice online shopping and home delivery? Why won't you provide Abby with reasonable accommodations for her disability?
I have Asperger's and I can't leave my house do to my anxiety. I'd love to get out and go place. I get sensory overload very easily, I don't like crowded places. I don't like places that have a lot of lights. The places with super high ceilings.
I feel ya on that. Grocery stores are a nightmare for me for that reason.
But, please do not try anything like ABA to get yourself out to places more. All it aims to do is change your outside behavior without helping internal reactions. Even with ABA, you can still have severe sensory overload from going to stores, and all you will have learned is to not react to it.
I think what needs to happen is for public areas to be more sensory friendly. Florescent lights and noise and layouts of stores bother many non-autistic people too... there are lots of people who get migraines from those awful lights.
@@NeuroLushia exactly. I am diagnosed with ADHD and sensory issues are common in it too. I also experience some of the crossover traits of autism. Idk if I am bc I can't afford to get diagnosed or be believed. But yeah I totally understand sensory overload and overwhelm. I as a 32 year old adult have to use noise cancelling headphones or ear defenders so she should be able to too. Helping with the shopping probably tires her out more too. Let her use her headphones and zone out until it's done, what so wrong with that.
So I'm autistic and found this really hard to watch. She wasn't "misbehaving" she was showing clear signs of overstimulation. ABA doesn't help with those feelings it just makes someone repress them which is so traumatic and unhealthy. Please don't do this to your loved ones
It is amazing to see this older video and how she has grown in her life skills. Thank you Maass family.
Not life skills, they're teaching her to suppress and ignore her pain from sensory overloads. We don't "get used to it." It will forever be an issue for us, just like someone who's NT can't be kept from being sad, they can only suppress their sadness. It's terrible actually, and deeply saddening to see. It's sensory trauma to her.
She was distressed and wanted to escape the unfamiliar and overwhelming environment, that's why she tried to run and why she was on the ground. She was trying to communicate her distress and pain but they didn't understand.
It'd be much better if they just let her go outside for a bit and recharge before going back in, or let her sit down for a while and try to recollect herself. Or even better yet, they could give her earbuds or noise cancelling headphones so she doesn't have to deal with the loud noises being as intense, another plus would be not forcing her to make eye contact because that can be physically painful to some autistic people. And the light can also be a problem so tinted sunglasses could have helped her. And even with those aids to her senses, sometimes autistic people will still need a break from all the things they are experiencing with their senses.
You cannot train out sensory overload.
Thank you! I am a BCBA searching for videos to use in my class to show future therapists what ABA in practice really looks like. This one is perfect. It is also perfect for promoting our science to families that are new to ABA or that have a bad taste in their mouth from an experience with a "not-good" ABA team.
Please keep these videos coming. Yay ABBIE!!!!
I am sorry, but as an autistic person, I will tell you this is an example of bad ABA. Abbie is clearly struggling with sensory overload and having a meltdown or shutdown, which she likely cannot control when forced into that, yet they ignore that
I really like the addition of words explaining what we are seeing..
ChefRalphie It's hard to remember sometimes that people don't live our lives. They may not know what to look for if not told.
I don't have autism, but reinforcement therapy methods worked so well for my anxiety and BPD (borderline personality disorder). I do Cognitive Behavior Therapy, but as far as the reinforcement methods go, I think the "cookie" is used at the beginning but the memory of positive outcomes make it stronger and stronger. In my case, the positive outcome of a (at first completely forced, mimicked behavior, but it grows natural with time) new behavior that I learn while facing an anxiety attack makes me feel more prone to use that behav ior again, because the outcome of that anxiety attack got a little better because of that nee behavior. The same goes sith some behaviors I had to learn with my therapist to make relationships less difficult while dealing with BPD.
Now I am a high functioning BPD and my anxiety attacks have decreased a lot. Along with meds, the behavioral therapy really made my life so much better.
I feel happy for you. It works for you. As adults cognitive behavior therapy works well when we ourselves decide our goals, but for autistic children ABA is terrible. This therapy do not respect children feelings nor emotions. They just can not say no to therapists. They do not take in count their sensorial and emotional needs. ABA produces pain and death. They do not care children, they just care the goals, not children.
It takes lots of patience to get Abbie to go out in public I admire that I like the fact you help her to control her stimming so she don’t hurt herself and others
This is monstrous. Why are you putting this child through this torture. She's not misbehaving, she is trying to communicate her needs and the only message you are reinforcing is that her feelings don't matter and her distress will be ignored no matter what. Could it really be so difficult to make a few changes to adapt to her needs? I am a 48-year-old Aspie and I can feel my anxiety rising just watching that video. The supermarket is too bright and too noisy and there are too many things going on at the same time. Just because you are oblivious to it, it doesn't mean that someone who is not oblivious is misbehaving. Shame on you. This is child abuse.
This is not child abuse. Ab needs to learn to push through things. I'm pretty sure they know their own child
@@emilygwynneth1278 No, an autistic should not be taught to push through discomfort and pain. She is under sensory overload and overwhelm. OF COURSE she would try to escape from the sounds and lights. It's a similar concept as telling a person suffering a migraine to push through it, push through sounds and lights. Pushing through discomfort and pain shows her feelings should be repressed.
@@auradragonfly heyy I just wanna apologise for this! I'm actually diagnosed autistic now what are the chances nd I've learned a lot about myself and the nd community, thank u for replying to my older ignorance though
The ABA training may have the appearance of being oppressive or overly controlling, but in truth it is empowering Abbie with basic skills that ultimately give her more freedom to navigate her world and enjoy her life. Mastering skills is a source of fulfillment we all enjoy. My hat is off to you for providing these skill-building opportunities and navigating the inherent challenges so that your daughter can grow in skill, control, confidence, independence and social interaction.... it's a beautiful thing. Your efforts enhance the quality of her life now and are laying the foundation of a beautiful future for your precious child who will one day be an adult. You are giving her the greatest of gifts, access to her world. Please accept my appreciation of your dedication, parents of autistic children are not praised enough. Your task is great, it is certain, yet judging by even your desire to share your experience in this forum, my guess is that the rewards are even greater. I am certain you stand in awe of the growth of your beautiful child and every rough moment fades from memory.
+Wendy Vasion Comment of the week, right here! Every time I see a long winded comment on an ABA video I prepare myself for the likely assault from the anti-ABA crowd. This was refreshing and encouraging. Thank you so much. "the greatest of gifts, access to her world." Beautifully put.
Have you asked an autistic person about this. It’s abuse, I’m autistic and it’s banned in my country. It is just creepy
FatheringAutism to put it in perspective: I myself used to be pro ABA until I read that article
@@jessweaver5713 It certainly can be in some situations and I'm sorry if you were ever in one of those situations. It really depends on the therapist, the parents, and the child
@@jessweaver5713 Hi, Jess. That is interesting, I have never heard of a country banning ABA. What country is this?
Do any of your shops/museums etc have an autism-friendly chunk of time? A lot of places around where I live have an hour or two where they keep the lights dimmer, keep the music off and, in museums and play areas, give people fun things to play with (my favourite museum sometimes uses recreations of things so everyone can touch and look at the exhibits without the risk of breaking anything). Obviously Abby is doing super well with it as is, I was just wondering if it would help introduce her to a new location/situation.
We have a museum here that does an exhibit that is hands on with lots of sensory integration. Some of the movie theaters do sensory friendly movies from time to time. They keep the lights dim and the volume down much lower than usual. I think it's a great thing.
That is wonderful to hear.
I just recently found y’all. I absolutely adore Abbie. I’ve gone through your videos and have gotten to learn more. But I saw publix in this video and had to comment! I used to live in Sarasota and now I’m In Dallas! And I miss Publix so much!
Brilliant! She seems to improve every video! You guys are such a loving supportive family
+Anabelle Ward She makes strides everyday. We're so proud of her hard work. Thanks for the kind words.
Your videos are so interesting abbie.
I am working on the exact same thing with my seven year old daughter with Autism. She has made such progress. On our first community outing I swore not only would I never go to the mall again, but may never leave the house. Have come along way. The other day as my little one was having a meltdown at Publix a man came up to her and called her a "spoiled little brat". I though how can you call a child who has never asked for anything spoiled. Gut wrenching. Man I know exactly what you guys are going through. My 7 year old is truly the hardest working kid in the world.
+bill clower Thank you for sharing. Ignorance is a harsh reality in public places. So sad. Keep up the hard work.
Hi, what about curiosity? Don't autistic children have curiosity. I go o the grocery store and there are times I just pick stuff up to see whats in it. Maybe its a human instinct.
She's clearly uncomfortable, and they say neurotypicals are better at reading body language 🙄
I'm learning so much from your channel. I'm an occupational therapy student currently on placement working with children with learning disabilities. So good to see the real life examples rather than reading it from a book. Brilliant family.
From a speech therapist in the business of special education for over 35 years I had my frustration with excepting ABA with higher functioning children to develop language skills at the conversational level. Its great to see it being used appropriately nowadays for behaviors in living skills. It really is training parents to be behavioral therapist and that is great!! Parents have needed help for years and now can keep their children at home for many years within the family!! Very positive! Love it!
You guys are an inspiration to all parents not just in the autistic community! She seems like a happy girl and moms is super patient and loving.
I was impressed that Abby didn't just demand the whole cookie at once and that she actually left the backpack on!
Don't get me wrong, if she could take the whole thing she would. It took awhile for her to learn that the cookie is supposed to last awhile.
I was impressed because when my daughter was that age she would have either beat me up to get the whole cookie or she would have cared less about it, so it wouldn't have been a good reinforcer. You guys are doing a great job with Abby! I know how awesome it feels to be able to take her shopping like that!
you're both awful (at least) borderline abusive parents and spent this video bragging that you've trained your child to endure the pain of sensory overload for your convenience rather than helping to reduce this distress. One of you could have gone outside with her when she started to get overwhelmed instead of forcing her to remain in a painful environment.
If they left her to just be able to go outside theyd be reinforcing that its okay to just give up.
@@emilygwynneth1278 ever heard of breaks?
Right. I mean I don't think it helps calling them abusive if you want them to listen to you however no autistic should be forced through sensory pain and discomfort. We don't force migraine sufferers through it. I'm a 32 year old adult that need noise cancelling headphones. I have ADHD with sensory issues. So overwhelming
Of all the videos I have watched, never ran across this one before.
Thank you, for making this video.
it really help people, who don't have anyone in their life, with Autism, understand, what special needs families experience, everyday.
And how we live our life, mainly on how their day will go.
My daughter was receiving ABA, last year. But never gotten any pointer, from her former theripst.
She now has a new one, we just met last week. Guess see how they goes.
Other than that, I pretty much, learn from your family, and do what I have to do, make life, better for my 16 years old daughter.
Oh gods, this is new. Please don't do ABA. It doesn't help at all. You aren't identifying your child's needs, you are teaching them to suppress their sensory overloads and hide their pain and distress. An actual way to help her would be to get her something to aid with her sensory overloads. You're going to be teaching her to suppress her emotions and not to communicate her distress and pain to anyone, especially not to those who are supposed to care and love for her. It's sensory trauma. Please do something better like getting weighted blankets, tinted sunglasses, earbuds, noise-cancelling headphones, anything along those lines for her. Look into articles of why ABA is terrible for autistic people if you need to and don't trust my word.
If your daughter is having issues going to the store with you then please, let her sit on the ground for a while if she needs to and recover her energy, or better yet give her an aid to help her with her senses that are especially heightened or sensitive. Don't let ABA ruin her chances of having healthy coping mechanisms. They do not know what pain they're causing to people with autism. Cancel your sessions with ABA, save your money. It won't help, it just makes it even harder for her.
If you love her, please don't subject her to that trauma, it's been proven to cause PTSD in autistic people. If you love her, you must acknowledge your mistake and not keep doing that to her. You need to accommodate her, not make her "Act normal" or "not misbehave," she isn't misbehaving, she's trying to communicate her feelings and getting overloaded. Forcing her to continue through sensory overloads will leave her exhausted, drained, in physical and mental pain and in general feeling very distressed. ABA increases the suicide rates in Autistic people.
ABA is basically rewarding her for hiding pain. In terms you might understand better, it might cause her physical pain if it's too bright, if she has to hold eye contact with someone, if the smells are too much, if the noise is too loud for her. The equivalent for a NT child is basically telling them to put their hand on a turned on stove and telling them to not cry or show any pain from it, and then rewarding them for it. Please heed my words, that time in ABA could have really hurt her and I know if you love her, you would never put her through that willingly. So do the right thing and really look into it, look into the effects of ABA and ask her how it makes her feel. Look at twitter posts of actual adults with Autism who still can't entirely shake the things that were drilled into them as children by ABA therapy.
This video IS FAR FROM HELPFUL!!! THEY ATE IGNORING HER SUPPORT NEEDS AND HER NEEDS IN GENERAL. The poor girl is having a sensory overload and no one cares
@@AmonicCrowlove your comment!!!
@@Softiesplushies Thanks, I'm just trying to educate families and parents who truly don't know anything about how bad ABA really is- it's so sad how they're so unaware and believe the lies ABA workers and those who support it feed them. The more aware people are, the less support they'll have and maybe we can actually ban ABA so it isn't the only free option with healthcare for neurodivergent/autistic children
how you do it together as family and how do you communicate with your daughter
"ABA works" what does it work at. teaching your child that noone cares about their needs? your kid is clearly not happy throughout this entire video and isnt learning anything except for how to follow commands. this is how people treat dogs, do better
My brother has high functioning autism and I agree that it can be hard to do things but we enjoy every day with him like it should be.
That’s not how a spectrum works. High functioning just mean that YOU’RE not as effected by his disability/needs.
Oh my word you guys have changed so much 😱
I like you bro. You push her to do things. I 've seen a lot of BTs or BIs give in to her demands.
Look at how young everyone is and Percilla‘s hair is so blond you go girl!
Love love LOOOVE that you are vulnerable enough to share your family in your journey and share the benefits of ABA! As a behavior therapist (Taking the exam in August to be Board Certified) I definitely would love to hear about your experiences with different therapist, pros and cons and things of that nature. I've learned so much in these past 3 years but what I have found to keep as a true basis is the quality of life that my clients are having. If my therapy takes away from than then I am doing it wrong in my opinion. I've had times where it was all about the data and times where I just want my clients to have good time with me but finding that sweet spot is key.
Is grocery shopping with a cart like this in the post-2020 world a thing of the past?
Newer behavioral therapist to a nonverbal kiddo (like Abby) here! This was so awesome to see ABA working in a community setting and how well you guys followed through with everything, especially near the end when she started to elope more. And I think it's WONDERFUL that you mentioned that if you were to leave the store when she was starting to become non compliant that would act as a reinforcer for that behavior. A lot of people don't realize that you can also reinforce NEGATIVE behaviors in those ways without realizing it! Awesome stuff. Subscribed :)
Cool! Thanks for subscribing. Yes, we found it's way easier to screw up at ABA then it is to do well. You really have to think about every action and reaction. BTW, thanks for what you do. We love ABA therapists.
Danielle Newman Pikachu
My son just started ABA a couple weeks ago and is taking to it fast. He loves his therapist and they work together well. This video was super helpful for me. Keep up the good work. Just stumbled on to your page and really like it. Thank you !
Shes obviously distressed and instead of addressing her needs, the cookie is encouraging her to push her feelings and needs aside to continue shopping. Can nobody else see how harmful this is? As an autistic person I can confirm that ABA is harmful, and many other autistic people can confirm the same. 😣
I won’t assume you have an actual diagnosis or if you are self diagnosed but it’s incredible to think you can know so much by watching someone you’ve never met through a screen to a level that far surpasses the understanding of the people that have spent her entire life with her. The notion that we as parents can’t see things or understand because we don’t share the same disability is bizarre. Fun fact, this was years ago. She has no issue with grocery stores, shopping, and going most places now aside from some intermittent sensory issues that jack up her depth perception. We are starting on teaching her to shop from a grocery list on her own next. Simply being an autistic person isn’t a qualification.
@@fatheringautism The only reason she "appears" to not have a problem with going to loud stores is because she's learned to hide her pain because you basically treated her communicating her pain as "misbehavior". You call that success? Studies have in fact shown that autistic people do not desensitize the way non-autistic people do.
I totally get it. I am diagnosed ADHD but I feel like I have crossover traits sharing with autism especially sensory ones. Pushing through and ignoring discomfort and pain teaches her to repress and internalize and ignore her feelings. OF COURSE she wants to escape it's loud and bright.
@@auradragonfly yes exactly! She shouldnt be taught how to ignore those things. It's pretty much teaching her how to mask which is going to be so difficult and stressful for her as an adult. Masking is very draining and literally gives me, and most others, panic attacks. She should be aloud to express whe shes having discomfort and then taught to leave the situation and take care of her needs. Rather than be given a cookie to keep pushing herself and keep quiet. 😢
@@mcmeadow8591 Exactly. I get to leave when I'm overwhelmed. My husband experiences some overload too so he understands. So why can't she. I internalized things too when I was younger bc no one understood. I saw how I felt was supposedly not "normal." So I stopped saying anything. I always have felt like an inconvenience. When I was 11/12 we got free clothes but some I hated wearing bc of how they felt. So uncomfortable. Parents didn't understand. My first diagnosis was GAD bc of everything I internalized. I should be diagnosed with SPD too but doubt I can or afford to.
Watched because you asked.. you all look so different from a year ago.. especially the children ☺
The way Priscilla was holding that phone gave me anxiety
I really liked too see Abbie grocerie shopping, Abbie You Rock ..
.😍😊😊😊😊😍.
You liked to see Abbie being forced to do something that was clearly traumatizing for her?
Keep up the great work! 😊😊 And shout out to Publix for those great sales haha
we're still working on that... she clips a lot of ankles. LOL. Just watching a couple of your videos for the first time. you all are great. I loved seeing big brother engaged with his little sister. What a wonderful family. God Bless
+sara crofford Thanks so much for the kind words and for watching! He is a great big brother and he's a huge help. Unsurprisingly he wants to get into the therapy field for autism when he grows up.
You and your family are doing an amazing job with Abbie!!! My baby sister also has autism and is also in therapy. I give my parents tips with working with her by watching your videos as well other amazing parents on CZcams and its really a lot of help and we learn so much. Keep up the great work 😊😊👍👍👍
+Stefania Gonzalez That's awesome! Thanks for sharing and I'm glad we can help.
My wife and I are ABA therapists, and its awesome to see when parents are so involved and follow applicable strategies outside of sessions. Love the videos you guys make!
+Jimmy & Katee Thanks! That means a lot coming from pros!
I know very little about autism but ABA therapy looks a lot like, an m& m for using the bathroom or a toy for behaving in the store or maybe an allowance for being responsible and getting your chores done. It's a reward for an accomplishment. In Abby's case she's learning life skills. Like all children, as she progresses, at her pace, the rewards change from maybe a cookie to "good job"! As parents we all choose whatever gets the job done for our child. We all choose what's best for our own child. I love how respectful you are. You say what's best for your child but leave room for others to have their own opinions for their own children. I'm loving the autism education I'm getting from your family. Thank you!
Thank you.
BTW I read the comment to my husband and tried to explain the therapy and he said " It's just parenting."
I don't know much about ABA or autism either, but I know for children its not healthy to reinforce good behaviors with food or toys. Especially food though. It can create unhealthy relationships with food and various different eating disorders later on in life. And buying a child a toy to be good at the store teaches children to show bad behavior in order to get rewards to make them stop, which obviously is problematic. I think what theyre doing with Abbey is good for her to cope and learn with her situation. I don't know. Just my thoughts.
Lilianna cloud What they are doing is what is best for her. For right now, if the cookie works, then use it. Sure, as she gets older and more proficient, they may change the reward system as they see fit. If you think about it, we reward ourselves in various ways, and they're often food related, so this really isn't that different.
Honestly all I see in the later parts of the video is them ignoring her being in distress.
I get what they are trying to do, but they should learn to read when it becomes too much for her and accept that, this way all they are doing is teaching her that her feelings don't matter and possibly traumatizing her.
Best brother ever
She did a wonderful job!! ABA has done absolute wonders for our family as well. Thank you guys for posting. Your videos help me so much on difficult days.
Wow this is so hard to watch. Poor girl, being forced and not being listened to as if she was a golden retriever
I absolutely love this! I am a new ABA therapist and just seeing what I do and have learned in every day life really makes me proud to be in this field. I saw what ABA has done with my brother (of course not every child is the same lol) but thats so great how its improving Abby's behaviors! Subscribing!!
This video reminds me a lot of how I was went my parents brought me to the store. I would keep trying to wander away or would sit on the floor by walls or poles. I'm old enough now that if I wander away it isn't really a big deal because I know how to handle myself and have a phone. I mean, i don't go to the store with them anyway because I'm older now but back when i first got a phone. Unfortunately, we didn't find out I was/am autistic until I was 15, so they just got mad at me and thought I was being weird.
Recently started doing aba and to see the parents following through with these skills made me cry! It takes a village, a loving patient tenacious village. Proud of you all!!!
Go abby girl!
As an autistic person, I can attest that it takes a lot of perseverance to make progress
you guys are such good parents to both of your children !! your patience is amazing !! God bless your family
She has a amazing brother
My daughter just started ABA this week. I am so hopeful.
That's great! Just remember, the follow through at home is the most important thing. You will see the most gains from transferring what is learned in therapy to everyday life.
It’s been awhile (maybe a couple years) since I’ve been to this channel, I am so amazed by Abby’s progress! I can tell you all (especially Abby!) have been working very hard. It’s so amazing what science based therapy can do when used properly like you guys are doing!!! Props to all of the amazing success, hope you all are healthy and safe in these times.
I don’t have any questions! But I do commend you and your family on how much work you guys put into Abbie’s therapy. It’s a win win for everyone. Btw, Isaiah’s puns at the end...perfect! 💜
+Christina Rippentrop Thank you!
@FatheringAutism you are very pro-ABA!! I want to, as an autistic person, gently tell you something: Ivar Lovaas, the man who founded applied behavior analysis was a real sick psychopath. Look it up. I see the amount of love you guys have for her is so strong and I KNOW you do NOT want to use ABA and its methods.
I have been working as a Behavior Therapist since march and this video was so informative. Will use these principles soon with my Kiddos.
isaiha and his totally natural humour.
I just found you and you don't know how just watching your videos has made me feel relieve to see how many parents like you and myself have our day with child with spectrum. I also wanted to say your town has a lot of good services. what it seem even the school looks great and would be my ideal for my son here out in l.a is little hard to get anything. I am still learning and slowly I'll get there. I really enjoy watching and your helpful tips keep it up.
Yes, you will get there. Thanks for watching and I'm glad you found us!
It's cool to see you guys doing videos now! I have pictures of Abbie and my daughter Courtney surfing at the SFA event in Flagler Beach. I'm on the event committee for Ponce Inlet. Only in the past year has Courtney been able to go to Publix. We started much like you-using ABA. These days I can manage 2 maybe 3 quick stops before she is D-O-N-E. LOL
Beth Mead Oh cool! We look forward to seeing you guys again. Thanks for watching!
thank you my son is going back and forth , a lot people who don't understand why make comments that are not helpful .I'm learning to ignore . I want to help my son in every way. thanks
No problem! Yes, there is a lot of ignorance out there. You will learn to ignore and handle people when they just don't know or don't get it.
For the cookies: do you get a paycheck from work if so I arrest my case it's a reward. And you can break up the bill for small rewards. Besides they breaking up that cookie into pieces.
Thank you so much for posting these videos! As someone going through university for psychology and taking courses on Autism Spectrum Disorders and Applied Behaviour Analysis, I've found your videos to be amazing for helping to understand the practical side of what I'm learning, and really learn how useful and effective these therapies are. After watching your videos and taking these courses, I think I want to become a Behaviour Analyst!
Thank you too for letting us viewers into your life and showing us how amazing parents can be to help their children learn and grow! You all rock!
I'm a grandmother of a autism grandson we don't know anyone that has it or dealt with it
My grandson is hitting or just touching others how do we teach him to keep his hands to himself
I think you should consider sources for your grandson such as Collaborative and Proactive Solutions, Applied Education Neuroscience, The Neurosequential Model, Beyond Behaviors by Dr. Mona Delahooke, Low Arousal by Studio 3, and Ukeru.
Great job Abby!! Your soo amazing!!! You guys Are doing great with Abby keep up the good work!!
Well done!!! As a licensed BCBA, I am impressed on the work that you have done and the efforts that you have invested to help her be as independent as possible. Great use of schedules of reinforcement!!! My hat's off to you!!
+Michelle Mastrangelo Thank you. That means a lot.
Wow. I've been watching a few of your videos. I'm so impressed with y'all. I love how much you're fighting for your daughter! I also love how you're both on the same page with encouraging her for greater. She can learn! It's so good to see a Dad so involved. I see a lot of Moms handling most of the research, therapy, and weight of it all. I'm sure you're wife is so thankful for you. Keep it up!
You consider abusing an autistic girl by forcing her to endure a traumatic, non-sensory-friendly experience to be fighting for her?
Does Abby tolerate wearing a visor and sunglasses? Earplugs? That might help prevent sensory overload in grocery stores (it sure helps me), which in turn can help her shop with less anxiety.
She doesn’t like any of those things on her face or head.
My son and husband have the same shirt
Add some weight to her backpack to give her that input she may need. Of course if she able to tolerate it. She seems like a sweetheart ❤️
When I was little I was more noise sensitive
I'm hoping that after six years have passed, you've learned a lot more about your child and are helping them in better ways. As an autistic adult, I freaking hate the grocery store. I'm so glad that curbside pickup is a thing, but if I have to go inside, I'm taking Loops or headphones. Y'all don't understand just how LOUD everything is, or bright, or irritating. Some people's shoes hit the floor differently in a way that I just can't stand, and there are always a myriad of conversations going on at once. Some days my brain just can't process all of it, and that's when I "lose it" or have a meltdown. It's not a tantrum. It really isn't. Stop calling it that. I'm sure y'all have been doing your best with what information you've had, but in the long run, you were just subjecting her to more and more stimuli when she didn't want to engage. Imagine if I tried holding you underwater just because you don't like swimming. Oh, you feel like you're drowning? That's okay. The longer I hold you under, the more you'll get used to it! That's what it feels like.
She’s now an adult and she picks out what she wants at the grocery store and uses a list to shop with. She doesn’t really mind the grocery and has no sensory issues anymore. Unfortunately she won’t wear anything on her head or in her ears. That’s a sensory experience she can’t handle. As I’m sure you know, everyone on the spectrum is different 😉
@@fatheringautismCongratulations on her being able to shop alone! It’s great that she’s able to do that
How do you handle rude/mean people when she has meltdowns in public?
It’s ridiculous that y’all think only of yourselves and how y’all are perceived rather than tune into the needs of your child. Try being emotionally intelligent. People need their minds changed, you don’t need to control your differently abled family member’s necessary and normal needs.
He seems like such a good brother
Oh he’s absolutely amazing. Special needs siblings are some of the most amazing humans on Earth. My neurotypical brother and I learned very early in life to be accepting of all different people from different walks of life, and we also learned to be 3rd and 4th caretakers for our other two brothers with Autism. Nobody knows our brothers like we do. Watching my oldest daughter, and how much she loves, and takes care of her little sister with severe autism is one of my favorite things in the world. They have their own special games, and she’s SO protective over her. Her little sister responds to her like no one else. I know that because she has a sibling on the spectrum, she’s going to turn out to be an amazing adult. 🥰
This reminds me so much of shopping with my son, although he does have more verbal communication skills he behaves in the exact same way. He can handle about 15-30 minutes okay, after that he begins laying on the floor, running away, but with him when I try calming him down or re engaging him it turns into more of a meltdown. My husband and I began shopping together with 2 carts. 1 for him filled with pillows so he can lay and sit and walk he wants. I know people judge us as "spoiling", but it's been working and now we can manage about 45 minutes to an hour (which is all our food shopping) without any major incidents. I wish there people like you guys in my community for us to shop and learn with. You guys are so amazing with your daughter, it is beautiful to see!!!
+Domina Morgan Thank you. We do what we need to for her to thrive.
Domina Morgan I wish I got pushed around in a cart with pillows,a😊a blanket would be great but in the refrigerator aisles too.
My son is five and he still fits in the cart I worry when he gets older and has to walk around the store.
I know this might seem like a radical idea, but if she wants to leave, maybe she should be allowed to leave. The "handle" on the backpack may be like a leash; the cookie broken in pieces exactly like dog treats--but the child is an intelligent person who might need to learn how to be autonomous more than she needs to be controlled. And yes, I do have experience with people on the spectrum; probably as much as anyone here.
No, it's not teaching her "bad" behavior, it's teaching her that her feelings don't matter and that she should go along with everything others try to force on her.