I was once a Fencing coach at a gifted and talented school. Our job was to literally teach these kids that failing is normal. The entire environment of these kids upbringing set them up for severe heartbreak because they weren’t being taught how to fail gracefully. No one was setting boundaries on these kids. No one was saying “no”. My job was to safely allow these children to jab at each other with 22 inches of steel and have them pick themselves up after a loss and feel okay about it. What I got where 14 year olds that would sit on the floor and scream, or run from the room in hysterical tears, or 8, 9, and 10 year olds that baby babbled to me and expected me to respond to that (not autistic or experiencing speech apraxia-just utter acceptance by their teachers, peers, and parents that these kids were allowed to act like toddlers; when they fenced with me, they used their words because refusal to act their age could result in injury). It’s safe, appropriate, and expected to set boundaries and say no to children. Science has proven that benefits of this time and again. I to this day do not understand parents’ utter refusal to say no. There is gentle parenting and there’s whatever the Hell not saying no is.
i really love and respect this. failure and rejection and deadends is a guaranteed part of life. it's learning to deal with it and be resilient that is so important. not letting it crumble you
Intrusive thoughts actually serve a purpose. When an image of you doing something bad pops up from your unconscious mind, you simultaneously rehearse to avoid doing it. So it's not an urge to go do that thing but rather avoiding it.
Okokok i didnt know i was NOT the only one with those thoughts!! Also wanted to say that while I appreciated y’all talking about it bc this is how I knew its kiiiinda normal, I think it would be worth giving a content warning about thoughts of suicidality at the beginning.
dishwasher battles are always about resentment risen from unfulfilled silent contracts... I mean we all get annoyed by our boy/girl friends... but dishwasher is a classic time and place to spill all the frustrations
The thinking about doing the thing for hours and days without doing the thing is so real! I do trick myself into doing small chunks of the task like Caroline said. Very bad tip: having to go to the bathroom and starting the task right before. I always end up getting a lot of things done in very little time without thinking about it because I'm just thinking I have to pee 😂
omg its so cool the design of this video makes a cool line going through the middle of the screen - starting with the fireplace, art and the mike thats awesome!
Thanks for speaking about intrusive thoughts, especially the self focused and suicidality related ones. I had a full blown anxiety cycle about one of me jumping off a fire escape outside my closed bedroom window when I woke up one December morning for a nannying gig at 5am. I had no idea what was Happening or why my brain would do this to me. It was the single most difficult period filled of the most anxiety and feeling completely unsafe with myself, never being sure if I wanted to do these things and my brain was against me. I say all this for my 2014, freshly moved to NY self who could have used this conversation. To know I wasn’t alien and to know I was safe and it would all be ok. Love your kooky content and I love your rooted content and you help an all-or-nothing thinker like me see how they don’t have to be separate or in a binary. 💕💕💕
ah gosh, thank you for sharing this. that sounds horrific AND it's probably comforting to lots of people to normalize the experience. although i hope you dont have one like that again!!
The intrusive thoughts bit was an absolute revelation for me. I literally thought I was the only one having them and felt deeply ashamed and lonely. It feels so refreshing to share the burden of these very human experiences. Thank you for being so open ❤
This is interesting, I don’t think I’ve put a lot of thought into what other non-married couples consider their anniversary. My bf’s and my anniversary isn’t actually when our first date was, we made it the day that we decided to be official and exclusive. I guess I always assumed that’s what other people did too, lol.
i used to suffer from extreme, constant, horrific intrusive thoughts and i honestly thought my brain was broken. like you caroline, i worried that the core of me was bad. i managed to fix it and stop them. this was 10 years ago. i occasionally get them now but they dont have a hold over me because i understand what they are. Simply, they are just anxiety manifesting as waking nightmares. When you have been traumatised by a dangerous event (like i was) your body feels inherently unsafe and goes into the F response mode (fight, flight freeze, etc). you're hypervigilant and looking out for danger 24/7. its a natural, albeit sometimes very disturbing, response to a very scary event.... I stopped them by A - learning to see the funny side of them. They were so outrageous and ridiculous instead of being absoluitely terrified i just learned to find them funny. B - to stop trying to convince myself or rationalise that i wouldnt do X horrible thing because doing so only fosters more anxiety and causes a loop of more intrusive thoughts. C mindfulness - i practiced alan watt's guided meditation every day, its 10 minutes long and fixed my brain. D - everytime a scary thought popped into my head i would envision a giant lotus flower, in as much detail as possible, until i forgot what i was doing and the scary thought and the lotus were both out of my head.... i hope this helps. you're not alone in this.
i'm so glad to hear that you feel less plagued by them now. thank you for sharing what worked for you, I really love your tip about trying to find the funny side of them
I've been thinking about ADHD when listening to the podcast for a while now! i have it, so I like to think everyone else who's fun and cool has it too. i learned in my neuro-pysch eval (2 years ago at age 28) that one of the executive functions i struggle with most is "category switching." yep, it f'ing sucks. all of this exists in us in a spectrum, so if you find you're struggling more (as we age, hormones, pandemic context, more complex life responsibilities), it could be validating to get the diagnosis and specific adhd treatments. (sorry for taking this too seriously!) i love me some mental health talk
Omg first thing I noticed was that Jess is wearing a Renaissance Tour shirt! Assuming you went, I hope you had an amazing time! The show was everything!
I was waiting for someone to notice!!! It was the best night of my life - literally trying to figure out how to get to another show. All hail the queen
Birthdays... I'm sixty-two. I love you two. I don't need a party or a big thing, but there has to be some good food, and ideally some form of cake, and some presents. If you have those elements with some people you love, birthdays are pretty great all your life.
Thanks for sharing and talking about intrusive thoughts. As someone with OCD, I want to share for folks who maybe resonated strongly....if you're having intrusive thoughts for more than 1 hour a day and it's effecting your life in a major way (i.e. causing distress, anxiety, avoidance, etc.), please reach out to a therapist for support. Use the word "intrusive thought" (which, by definition, is *intrusive*...it doesn't mean you want it! It means it causes you distress.). They can direct you to the resources and support that you need. The way we handle intrusive thoughts in OCD is very different than general anxiety, but there's tons of science behind it and help is out there for you!
the feeling like you can no longer completely complete a task is so real though especially when you're the kind of person to want to do so many projects and tasks all the time...being diverse can be a struggle when you end up so buried in projects you can't complete anything. Will definitely give the perfectionist video a rewatch sounds like I need a good reminder!
I relate to this soooo hard yes you articulated what I was trying to say perfectly! It’s a mix of a lot of different factors that feel like they make it particularly hard for me - well, for us 💜
@@jzdebakey so many factors that are so new in society, like 20 years ago we did not have phones where we had such a demand from people/things for our time!! You're not alone in the struggle at least, it's comforting to know I'm not alone and get to see you ladies fighting through it and doing what works for you! Thanks so much for continuing this podcast for bringing together all the kooks!!!
Commend you for learning that lesson so young, DH still struggles to say I love you after 22 years of marriage (prudish Frenchie) but I’ve learned to appreciate the rest, he’s steadfast, reliable, always on my side, always talks kindly, puts up with my hormonal raging, never judges me…it’s unconditional love . Fab content as always ❤
This was the "right-topiced" episode for a pisces full moon. Listened to you as I was ironing my hair and later working on a purse I'm sewing and *let me tell you*! Had 3 crying spells during the entire episode of this pod. You make me feel sane in my own flavour of insanity - thanks gals!
hahah oh no hun!!!! ok well i love a good cry when it's needed?? i hope you are feel fresh and better than before, and go get a drink of water for sure plz
My love language definitely is words of affirmation, so I think that you're right that there's some privilege in that because we hold linguistic and verbal intelligence as an ideal in many careers and in many relationships themselves, but I do think it is fair to say that the person who loves me has to learn some of that in order for me to feel love, just as I have to learn some of whatever that person's love language is instead. It would be unloving for me to only show affection and encouragement through compliments if my boyfriend's love language is acts of service, and it would be a little selfish for him to only show me love by helping fix things for me when whar I really feel like I need is romantic memory talking like Jess mentioned. We have to learn what level language our partner most wants to receive but also understand that that is probably how they express their love easily. If said boyfriend is super stressed out yet still finding ways to give me acts of service because he is devoted to that love language, I should feel incredibly grateful and deeply loved and respond by serving him back, not asking for words of affirmation and not even giving him them either because he probably wants actual help 😅
totally. it's kind of about coming to an agreement of what you will each learn and try for the other. that's really lovely to be able to share with your person
Jess- ADHD love! I got diagnosed at 33, it has changed my life! It's so validating. I think anyone who thinks they might have ADHD should get tested. ♥️♥️♥️
Rando, but.. the angle of the camera is so satisfying, we stand an organic divide line.
I was once a Fencing coach at a gifted and talented school. Our job was to literally teach these kids that failing is normal. The entire environment of these kids upbringing set them up for severe heartbreak because they weren’t being taught how to fail gracefully. No one was setting boundaries on these kids. No one was saying “no”. My job was to safely allow these children to jab at each other with 22 inches of steel and have them pick themselves up after a loss and feel okay about it. What I got where 14 year olds that would sit on the floor and scream, or run from the room in hysterical tears, or 8, 9, and 10 year olds that baby babbled to me and expected me to respond to that (not autistic or experiencing speech apraxia-just utter acceptance by their teachers, peers, and parents that these kids were allowed to act like toddlers; when they fenced with me, they used their words because refusal to act their age could result in injury).
It’s safe, appropriate, and expected to set boundaries and say no to children. Science has proven that benefits of this time and again. I to this day do not understand parents’ utter refusal to say no. There is gentle parenting and there’s whatever the Hell not saying no is.
i really love and respect this. failure and rejection and deadends is a guaranteed part of life. it's learning to deal with it and be resilient that is so important. not letting it crumble you
Intrusive thoughts actually serve a purpose. When an image of you doing something bad pops up from your unconscious mind, you simultaneously rehearse to avoid doing it. So it's not an urge to go do that thing but rather avoiding it.
❤❤❤❤❤🎉
I enjoy these videos because they are relatable but I'm feeling so sad. Just been in bed on youtube all day.
Okokok i didnt know i was NOT the only one with those thoughts!! Also wanted to say that while I appreciated y’all talking about it bc this is how I knew its kiiiinda normal, I think it would be worth giving a content warning about thoughts of suicidality at the beginning.
im so glad that this could help you feel a bit more normal. appreciate all of this very much friend
Got a petty complaint : people who put dirty cutlery in with the clean stuff before you’ve had time to empty the dishwasher 😡
dishwasher battles are always about resentment risen from unfulfilled silent contracts... I mean we all get annoyed by our boy/girl friends... but dishwasher is a classic time and place to spill all the frustrations
end them. agree
"It's just a matter of reassuring you, empowering you. Those are my goals when it comes to our partnership."
YOU'RE SUCH AN ABSOLUTE ANGEL J-CA!
The thinking about doing the thing for hours and days without doing the thing is so real! I do trick myself into doing small chunks of the task like Caroline said. Very bad tip: having to go to the bathroom and starting the task right before. I always end up getting a lot of things done in very little time without thinking about it because I'm just thinking I have to pee 😂
hahah the bathroom before a big task is a TRAPPPPP. it turns out i could pluck my eyebrows for hours
My mom is definitely terrified of me after hearing me watch this while hysterically laughing lmao 😂😂😂
it is important to keep our mothers fearful
omg its so cool the design of this video makes a cool line going through the middle of the screen - starting with the fireplace, art and the mike thats awesome!
Thanks for speaking about intrusive thoughts, especially the self focused and suicidality related ones. I had a full blown anxiety cycle about one of me jumping off a fire escape outside my closed bedroom window when I woke up one December morning for a nannying gig at 5am. I had no idea what was Happening or why my brain would do this to me. It was the single most difficult period filled of the most anxiety and feeling completely unsafe with myself, never being sure if I wanted to do these things and my brain was against me. I say all this for my 2014, freshly moved to NY self who could have used this conversation. To know I wasn’t alien and to know I was safe and it would all be ok. Love your kooky content and I love your rooted content and you help an all-or-nothing thinker like me see how they don’t have to be separate or in a binary. 💕💕💕
ah gosh, thank you for sharing this. that sounds horrific AND it's probably comforting to lots of people to normalize the experience. although i hope you dont have one like that again!!
The intrusive thoughts bit was an absolute revelation for me. I literally thought I was the only one having them and felt deeply ashamed and lonely. It feels so refreshing to share the burden of these very human experiences. Thank you for being so open ❤
You guys give me the giggles, also you make me feel better about some of the weird shit that my mind comes up with #notjustmethen😂
hahaha it is most definitely not just you
Not a personality: bragging that your dog is a rescue
This is interesting, I don’t think I’ve put a lot of thought into what other non-married couples consider their anniversary. My bf’s and my anniversary isn’t actually when our first date was, we made it the day that we decided to be official and exclusive. I guess I always assumed that’s what other people did too, lol.
i used to suffer from extreme, constant, horrific intrusive thoughts and i honestly thought my brain was broken. like you caroline, i worried that the core of me was bad. i managed to fix it and stop them. this was 10 years ago. i occasionally get them now but they dont have a hold over me because i understand what they are. Simply, they are just anxiety manifesting as waking nightmares. When you have been traumatised by a dangerous event (like i was) your body feels inherently unsafe and goes into the F response mode (fight, flight freeze, etc). you're hypervigilant and looking out for danger 24/7. its a natural, albeit sometimes very disturbing, response to a very scary event.... I stopped them by A - learning to see the funny side of them. They were so outrageous and ridiculous instead of being absoluitely terrified i just learned to find them funny. B - to stop trying to convince myself or rationalise that i wouldnt do X horrible thing because doing so only fosters more anxiety and causes a loop of more intrusive thoughts. C mindfulness - i practiced alan watt's guided meditation every day, its 10 minutes long and fixed my brain. D - everytime a scary thought popped into my head i would envision a giant lotus flower, in as much detail as possible, until i forgot what i was doing and the scary thought and the lotus were both out of my head.... i hope this helps. you're not alone in this.
Thank you for this. I love Alan Watts - which meditation of his are you doing?
@@regina8010 hello. It’s the 10 minute guided meditation. It’s super simple and I listened to it every day for months. It changed my life. X
i'm so glad to hear that you feel less plagued by them now. thank you for sharing what worked for you, I really love your tip about trying to find the funny side of them
@@Not4EveryonePod thank you! :) yeah, seeing it as funny definitely helps to defuse the intensity of them. hope this helps for you too!
if caroline had jumped from the balcony, justin would have been blamed for it, and maybe even gone to prison for it.
I've been thinking about ADHD when listening to the podcast for a while now! i have it, so I like to think everyone else who's fun and cool has it too. i learned in my neuro-pysch eval (2 years ago at age 28) that one of the executive functions i struggle with most is "category switching." yep, it f'ing sucks. all of this exists in us in a spectrum, so if you find you're struggling more (as we age, hormones, pandemic context, more complex life responsibilities), it could be validating to get the diagnosis and specific adhd treatments. (sorry for taking this too seriously!) i love me some mental health talk
Love when you guys are together in the same space! Feeling joyful for you :)
there's so much more yelling but it's the best feeling
These intrusive thoughts are known as 'the call of the void'
Ooh interesting
Omg first thing I noticed was that Jess is wearing a Renaissance Tour shirt! Assuming you went, I hope you had an amazing time! The show was everything!
I was waiting for someone to notice!!! It was the best night of my life - literally trying to figure out how to get to another show. All hail the queen
I have those thoughts too. It definitely feels like something you're not allowed to talk about.
Birthdays... I'm sixty-two. I love you two. I don't need a party or a big thing, but there has to be some good food, and ideally some form of cake, and some presents. If you have those elements with some people you love, birthdays are pretty great all your life.
for some reason or other, i'm glad that i ain't caroline's brother! 😁
For me the anniversary is when you first kissed.
Bc. the dates before that you just check out some person.
Thanks for sharing and talking about intrusive thoughts. As someone with OCD, I want to share for folks who maybe resonated strongly....if you're having intrusive thoughts for more than 1 hour a day and it's effecting your life in a major way (i.e. causing distress, anxiety, avoidance, etc.), please reach out to a therapist for support. Use the word "intrusive thought" (which, by definition, is *intrusive*...it doesn't mean you want it! It means it causes you distress.). They can direct you to the resources and support that you need. The way we handle intrusive thoughts in OCD is very different than general anxiety, but there's tons of science behind it and help is out there for you!
the feeling like you can no longer completely complete a task is so real though especially when you're the kind of person to want to do so many projects and tasks all the time...being diverse can be a struggle when you end up so buried in projects you can't complete anything. Will definitely give the perfectionist video a rewatch sounds like I need a good reminder!
I relate to this soooo hard yes you articulated what I was trying to say perfectly! It’s a mix of a lot of different factors that feel like they make it particularly hard for me - well, for us 💜
@@jzdebakey so many factors that are so new in society, like 20 years ago we did not have phones where we had such a demand from people/things for our time!! You're not alone in the struggle at least, it's comforting to know I'm not alone and get to see you ladies fighting through it and doing what works for you! Thanks so much for continuing this podcast for bringing together all the kooks!!!
Commend you for learning that lesson so young, DH still struggles to say I love you after 22 years of marriage (prudish Frenchie) but I’ve learned to appreciate the rest, he’s steadfast, reliable, always on my side, always talks kindly, puts up with my hormonal raging, never judges me…it’s unconditional love . Fab content as always ❤
love this. steadfast is one of my new favorite qualities in a partner, and in a person.
Sometimes Caroline is such a Virgo it’s hilarious to me. I love seeing my fellow neurotics ❤
Finallyyyy a phrase for what I've been feeling... phone fatigue. 😣
it's an epidemic
This was the "right-topiced" episode for a pisces full moon. Listened to you as I was ironing my hair and later working on a purse I'm sewing and *let me tell you*! Had 3 crying spells during the entire episode of this pod. You make me feel sane in my own flavour of insanity - thanks gals!
hahah oh no hun!!!! ok well i love a good cry when it's needed?? i hope you are feel fresh and better than before, and go get a drink of water for sure plz
My love language definitely is words of affirmation, so I think that you're right that there's some privilege in that because we hold linguistic and verbal intelligence as an ideal in many careers and in many relationships themselves, but I do think it is fair to say that the person who loves me has to learn some of that in order for me to feel love, just as I have to learn some of whatever that person's love language is instead. It would be unloving for me to only show affection and encouragement through compliments if my boyfriend's love language is acts of service, and it would be a little selfish for him to only show me love by helping fix things for me when whar I really feel like I need is romantic memory talking like Jess mentioned. We have to learn what level language our partner most wants to receive but also understand that that is probably how they express their love easily. If said boyfriend is super stressed out yet still finding ways to give me acts of service because he is devoted to that love language, I should feel incredibly grateful and deeply loved and respond by serving him back, not asking for words of affirmation and not even giving him them either because he probably wants actual help 😅
totally. it's kind of about coming to an agreement of what you will each learn and try for the other. that's really lovely to be able to share with your person
Awesome episode ladies! 🩵🩵🩵
thank you! so glad you liked it
Jess- ADHD love! I got diagnosed at 33, it has changed my life! It's so validating. I think anyone who thinks they might have ADHD should get tested. ♥️♥️♥️
20:10 oh no, your house still feels haunted, Caroline?
haha only at times! it's honestly quite improved recently
love esther perel💗 though admittedly I’ve mainly consumed her online content
What's Caroline birthday?
Are you both in relationships?