The ONE Trick You Need to Master to Live a More Peaceful and Fulfilled Life | Mel Robbins Podcast
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- Äas pĆidĂĄn 20. 06. 2024
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The "Let Them Theory" is so simple, youâre going to get it immediately.
In this episode, you will hear some great stories and examples to explain this theory, as well as the three very different ways you can use it.
Bottom line: When you "Let Them" do whatever it is that they want to do, it creates more control and emotional peace for you and a better relationship with the people in your life.
Xo Mel
In this episode, you'll learn:
00:00 Intro
05:26 My over-functioning anxiety kicked in; until this happened.
09:37 Dr. Amy Johnson gives the best metaphor that explains our need to control.
09:20 Why do we get so upset about what we canât do a damn thing about?
12:28 Two reasons why your parents and partners are so controlling.
14:41 These three reasons explain why we try to control.
18:05 There are times like these when the âLet Themâ rule does NOT apply.
24:23 Can you relate to this listener whoâs worn down from her expectations?
28:00 Stop making up stories about why people do what they do, and just ask.
30:50 When youâre constantly rescuing people, hereâs what you teach them.
37:48 Are you actually in a relationship with a real person, or a vision?
39:57 One way we try to control someone is through jealousy.
43:06 Growing apart from a good friend? Hereâs how to handle it.
46:08 Itâs not your responsibility to make sure everyone else is never hurt.
Listen to the #podcast episode "The ONE Trick You Need to Master to Live a More Peaceful and Fulfilled Life" - link.chtbl.com/DAinFkFf?sid=e...
#lettinggo #letgo #letthemtheory
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Somebody taught me this years ago. They said, "let them do what they WANT to do, so you can see what they'd RATHER do." Game changer.
Omg
Love this. Thanks.đ
Yes great way to see who people are and decide if you wanna deal with them or not.
Oooo I like this one!
Life goes well when you don't G A F what others do. Men have to chase me to get me. Friends have chased me, but I am 43 and have a lot of friends left from childhood.
This odd video just popped up in my feed.
âWhen people show you who they are, believe them.â - Maya Angelou
Right
..believe them the first time.'', I believe it is the exact quote.
Maya Angelou has apparently said every famous quote ever lol
The first timeâŠ
correction: âwhen people show you who they are the FIRST timeâŠâ
I realized thereâs another side to this âlet themâ mindset. My fiancĂ© is quite different from anyone Iâve ever been with. He is very attentive, thoughtful and always doing things to show his love. Having been a single mom for many years, I will often say, âI can do that!â or âIâll take care of that.â when he starts doing something I would normally take care of or mentions something heâs going to do for me. I need to remember this âlet themâ response when heâs trying to show his love and care in these ways. âLet themâ show their love and simply be grateful and appreciative! â€ïž
I love this
Awesome example!! And congratulations!!! â€
I used to think I was "showing my love". The anti-narcissist movement told me I was only doing it to mask the monster I supposedly am.
Amen!! You'll chase that man away.
Keep him lol
The older you are, the easier the âlet themâ theory is to manage. Itâs called wisdom and picking your battles wisely.
AndâŠas you get older the less energy you have both physically and emotionally.
Let Them = God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; And wisdom to know the difference. Got it â€
BINGO!!! Haha thatâs great!
That's the whole thing!
Honest, I didn't read your post until after I posted mine. Great minds think alike!
Let them be. Mel Robbins
â€â€â€
I lost so called friends after my brother was killed last summer. They just stopped inviting me to anything and cut communication with me. For a while I was really upset but then I realized that a decent person who actually cares about me would not have acted this way. It also reminds me they have done this behavior on and off for years before this and I kept fighting to be included and getting hurt when they excluded me. I'm done trying to prove that I'm worth loving (trauma response.) Either like me for me or don't.
Horrible.
You deserve to be loved đ
so sorry for you going through this... but, just know... others experience the same... so, chances are... its not you, and you will elevate and find better for you đđ
This could be a life lesson for you to value yourself more, have boundaries with people, and be grateful that these nasty people have left your life. Then, you make room for new good people in your life. You deserve it â€
Absolutely đ and please donât forget that you are LOVED AND APPRECIATED!! â€
18:15:00 3 times to NOT do let them
1) if they are doing something dangerous
2) you need to advocate for your rights
3) they are crossing your boundaries
My husband has been threatening to leave me for 10 years but never left.
He has always been emotionally unavailable so my son and I were never allowed to share our feelings because crying/being sad would trigger him so bad he would get angry and then threaten to leave. He had a habit of quitting so kept threatening to leave in every argument but did nothing to make it work. I put up with his behaviour because I kept focusing on the potential of what might be.
I kept coming back with compassion for the childhood he had and excused his behaviour. His parents beat him when showing emotions.
I tried to get him to see his behaviour and get help but he blamed me for his anger and thought I was the problem so won't get help.
Just watching this I realised it's time to let go. I can't make him heal. I can't wait around for him to wake up. The fact that he keeps saying it but doesn't leave makes me feel he's afraid of abandonment too. So I held on.
Unless I take the first step he's not going to.....it's time to let them go. I'm sorry for holding on for so long.
It's time to be free and receive what I deserve.
Amen ! Sister! Bravo! Now...this IS what I need to do...file....same basic story.tpxic eternity vs. Freedom.đ
In this days I always thinking what Is love and what Is not. Do I stay and continuing trying to help or do I leave and give them a loss in order to teach them a lesson? Don't know...really
That realization is a breakthrough
All she said was "Let them" I'm not 10 minutes in and I'm in tears. †I'm fighting for my husband and He's just not changing as he promised. I get it and I can walk away now.
Good luck and many blessings
â€
How long have you been married?
I think Dr Grande mentions that thereâs âcanâtâ and âwonâtâ. Iâm attracted to both of those in people.
Best wishes on the next step in your journey. â€đžâ€đ·â€đŠâ€đžâ€đŠâ€đ·â€đžâ€
@@cherylrau11 almost 9 years
Letting people be has been one of the best things to happen to my mental health. It's absolutely wonderful to feel free
Real talk đŻđ
0
Agree & its so freeing.
So true this is one of those I wish I knew earlier đđ
Ty I neededto hear this today. I am in the process of learning that and letting go.
I found this episode at just the right time in my life. 24 hours after watching this, on my 52nd birthday, I got âLet them.â tattooed on my wrist so I can look at it and remember.
Thank you.
I am 51 and was thinking about this just a few minutes ago! And this will be my one and only tattoo I will ever have⊠đ
Nice!
Beautiful. â€
Great ideaâ€â€â€â€
Now I want one, letâs start a movement
This is the best way to rid oneself of emotional dependency and codependency!đȘđ»
Yes, this is so helpful. Going through a divorce rn, I just realized everyone moves on with their lives. People check in on you here and there but at the end of the day, you have to do the work and healing. People won't always be there, but you are there with yourself all the time. So love yourself and take care of yourself.
So true. And when you take care of yourself itâs amazing how much support there is available. Sending you love, from one divorce-survivor to another đ€
We come into this world in our own and leave this world in our own
@@sibyllejasinski3643 thank you! I hope you find yourself thriving and full of joy!
â@@berlizgonzalez6736â€
I've been there, it's tough, truly hard, you will make it through just stay the course, don't be too hard on yourself
"in a relationship with their potential" I felt that oneđ
It's amazing how many times this one reincarnates itself as a pattern đ
@@Userinterfaceexperience I think people can get forgetful and , then hopeful when they meet someone. I know my statement may seem confusing but Disney and Hallmark movies do so well because we often live in hope till reality drop kicks đŠ” us đ
Profound!
story of my life!!! i feel you.
Same sister đ
No expectations no disappointments. Has been my moto for decades. The best peace of mind I've ever had. Walk in a higher frequency. Mrs. G
I have been moving this way for years. And Iâve been preaching it to people - Each person is responsible for themselves and Iâm not going to spin my wheels trying to force people to behave the way I think they should. I let them do what theyâre doing and if somehow it impacts or involves me, I will decide what to do at that juncture. But I always, always prioritize my peace. At all costs!
Your "Let them" turned into a "Let ME"....as in "Let ME" have less stress , less worry and more freedom! Thank you! I needed that without the guilt. đ
†Oooh I LOVE this! Let me not suffer! â€
â@@africanmermaid234 both â€
Spot on! đđŒ Good on you, the world needs more humans like you!
I've been doing this for about a year after having an emotional breakdown and I'm getting so good at it now that I feel like a different person.
Living life with a crippling disease plus chronic pain has become more fulfilling, makes my life easier and makes me feel like a much more authentic person. â€
Love this!! Why am I driving myself crazy, getting stressed out?? We donât need a permission slip to have less worry but this is sort of it. Itâs the small things
đđđ
This is so freeing. I am not responsible for other people. I am also not a victim. I just pivot and move on. Itâs fantastic!
Perfectly said! I đ
Spot onđ
đđđ
đđđ
This is really called STOICISM - never being attached to people or outcomes, and never trying to control people and circumstances that are beyond your own control. Happy Christmas.
I came across this pod cast and WOW!!! What a game changer for me . Been dealing with adult step children who do not want to include me as my spouseâs partner . I have let it hurt me snd drive my anxiety through the roof . Now I will â let them â have get together without me, â let themâ be judgemental, â let himâ - my spouse decide where he wants to be and spend his time , and I will allow myself to let it all go and get on with doing things with my family and things that bring me joy and happiness . Just listening to the podcast brought a sense of peace over me. Thank you!!!!
I really can relate to your situation with the adult stepchildren! I'm praying for you!!!! (Just Let Them) :)
I too go through this too for 20 years it will never end Iâm 66 , for now on Iâm going to LET THEM I already feel relieved , Iâm done trying. LETS DO THIS đ
Came back to hear this again. It was true the first time and just as true and helpful this time. Thank you
Iâm a 70 year old grandma and Iâve lived by (whatâs now obviously called) the âlet themâ theory nearly all my life. I think it probably came from my parents who had a fairly relaxed attitude to life.Far less stressful than any other way đđđŹđ§ The French know it as Ce La Vie đđđđŹđ§đ·
C'est la vie †in italian qe cera, sera ?đ
Let it be
Exactly what will be ...will beâ€
đ«đ· not đŹđ§
@@RebeccaLynnMusicLet them. lol
When you let them, then you decide what you will do with what is, not the potential. â€
Yes, that being in a relationship with their potential got me.
Same. Now I can face reality if I really love the relationship as is, or the potential. And then decide whatâs best after. What a powerful thought!
Wow. What a great insight. It does put you back in your business because then you can review your choices. Thanks for sharing so I could get there with that realization!
Youâre right! So many times I have heard, âbut they have so much potential.â
Someone on here had a great point I can't find the comment now. They said " How do you Let them" at the expense of your peace of mind??? They will always do what they want to do, but if its at the expense of your dignity and respect do you just let them???? PLEASE MEL OR SOMEONE ELSE RESPOND
Holy crap..."in love with their potential." This describes every man I've ever dated, and now my husband. At a crossroads right now, and I never realized why I've always ended up disappointed.
Were they avoidant
@@GiePena all of them...lol. I'd never heard that term used as a relationship style until recently.
Same! I wish I realized this theory 4 years ago.
Me too. Big sigh
Think of it this way: if it were reversed, would you want to be with a man who only loved the potential you he saw in his head, rather than the real you?
Stoicism says, itâs not the thing, but your reaction to the thing.
This really hit home with me. My middle son (22) doesn't agree with me separating from his father and has decided to no longer have a relationship with me. I have "let him" have those feelings. I have not pushed the situation. I have not begged him to be in my life. I am letting him work through his feelings and if/when he decides to talk to me, I will be here for him
I admire your willingness to let him. Honestly, I am so impressed by your strength. This will for sure pay off â€â€â€â€
In this situation do you reach out for example, once a week so he knows you care? Iâm asking because I would feel like I need to do x,y,z to make sure he knows Iâm still initiating contact even if it was a text just to say hello and he never responds. My son is 22 as well. Not saying you should Iâm just figuring out how the let them theory works. â€
@@lilarose9348 I have reached out multiple times with no response. My adult daughters advised me strongly to let it be. They said he knows you want to be in contact. If you never let him be, you'll not give him the chance to start looking inward and repairing his side of things so he can have the chance to reach out. I'm taking that advice, hard as it sometimes is.
I just let my son reach out when he wants. Except for the milestones, I want him to know I remember:)@@lilarose9348
I am in a similar situation. Divorced and my 2 boys stay with their dad. I have begged them to come live with me or sometimes spend weekends with me but no they don't want to. I go to them every second day to see them so that they know I am still here for them. So one day I asked why don't they come or even call me. They say they don't need to cos I come to them. So letting them be and not seeing them I think would be a better option do that they come to you when they ready otherwise you are just taken for granted
Every time you rescue somebody, you rob them of the opportunity to grow! Wow, wise words! đđđ
Sometimes people are unable to solve despite best efforts to help themselves
To refuse is indifference at best cruelly at worst
C
B h
Dear, I disagree. Please do not fail to be the Good Samaritan on somebody's road.
@@reverendwilliams6652 Agree. Indifference leads to a cold heart
Wisdom is knowing when to apply what in life
Wrong. Sometimes you can safe a life. Sometimes people need a shoulder to lean on to recharche their courage to confront their problems. Serve others with best intentions yet do not expect gratitude or even control over people.
I used to have the saying "the moment you stop worrying what other people think of you, is the moment you set yourself free"! This "let them' podcast however, is the most freeing of them all and has helped me through a difficult decision I've just had to make. Thank you!!!!!! đ x
HOW COME I havenât crossed paths with Mel Robbinâs videos before! They are life changing.
Too much energy is taken up in trying to change others and manipulate reality to our liking. It may be worth letting gooooo!
The âlet themâ theory is the same as the âokayâ theory. I have been using the word âokayâ and now Iâm completely peaceful and detached from everyone and everything. Itâs the most powerful place to be in.
I don't think being detached from people seems good. But this theory definitely is!
I actually tattooed, âitâs fineâ, on my wrist, years ago. Means the same to me, as âlet themâ or âokayââŠ
@@megp5112Some of us suffer from emotional dependency/codependency. Detachment allows us to learn healthier boundaries. Not saying YES all the time. Etc. It doesnât mean detaching from your loved ones emotionally.
âLet the current of whatâs happening take you in a different directionâ a place of surrender= peace. Love this Mel!
This helped me more than I can sayâŠ. My son, his wife and three small children under the age of 6 are moving 16 hours away from me and home. I tried everything to convince them to stay, but now I can see that I need to let themâŠ. For my peace and sanity. Thank you so much for helping me to see. â€
My 31 year old son and his wife (and two dogs đłđ) have lived in a small VW camper van for two years. This is through choice and they love it. I recently realised that my anxiety around this is because I never know where they are. Since I recognised this and explained it to my son heâs given me a rough idea where they are on different days of the week. I feel better now. Itâs about letting go and accepting that they are grown adults and can care for themselves. As for other people I learnt years ago that what people choose to do isnât my business. This was one of my favourite of your videos. Thank you â€
I loved what you had to say here. I think a lot of our issues do stem from our own worries and anxieties. I see this in myself, too. This podcast really spoke to me. I am listening to it again now and reading comments. Thank you for sharing.
@@jenniferolson5345 thanks for your reply. I still worry when he goes âradio silentâ and heâs a rock climber so you can imagine what I imagine. đ
@@curiousnetty534 I have all six of my kids who rock climb I understand the âmom fearâ all too well !
As long as you can (and I can) text them that Iâm kind of worried , it helps me to feel betterâŠallows them to know they have been out of range a bit too long, and provides a record of contact in case something goes wrong.
Ps⊠if the married ones are out, I text BOTH phones.
If the kids are all out together ( often ) I will text the family text group.
Oh, wow, you have very adventurous kids!
My husband and I always say to our adult children to give us "signs of life" when they are traveling. Years ago, one of my daughter's friends parents said that to her while visiting my daughter. My husband and I loved that little statement so much that we still use it today.
I have listened to this podcast every day this week. I gave myself that challenge, so It would really sink into my brain!
You could send a request for find my friends? Then you could see where they are anytime if they are okay with it :) Iâm following my sonâs honeymoon trip to Europe right now.
just keep making content like this to heal us mentally ,emotionally and physically
I live 5000 miles away from Mel, but swear, she must have known me since I was born. How could that be, dang it??? Here is a â€ïž Mel.
I'm not someone who gets influenced quickly by talks, however, this talk is truly powerful. It came in perfect time. Very motivating... thanks đ
Honestly, it's so magical and peaceful......"just, let them." Thank you Mel
Mel, the one thing I appreciate the most about you is how all your teachings comes from your own âmess-upsâ which is so valuable and courageous. This is how I have been able to relate to you as a human being and have been able to open my heart to listen. Thank you for showing up to the world đ.
Yesđ
I fully agree!
This is so NOW for me I have been sufferđ ing from my adult children dissing me All;the time After hearing this I can FINALLY let go and LET THEM. Thank you!
Amen!!
I too appreciate your own stories and how honestly you felt. This resonates with me. My thoughts are not just mine. Reading the comments tells me so many people are experiencing the same thing. Thank you.
I love that she is so OPEN to sharing for everyone willingly. TY
Every year my daughter and her fiancĂ© and daughter goes to his familyâs place for Christmas. As a child of divorce who hated when my parents argued over me for the holidays, this has never bothered me. I canât tell you how many friends and relatives have commented to me that my daughter needs to spend Christmas at my house. Iâve always used the let them approach when it comes to how my daughter chooses to celebrate her holidays. My feelings are not hurt, and we always get together and have a wonderful time no matter what time of year it is. Itâs so surprising to me why other people care so much, it is not their daughter, and it is not affecting their holiday. It feels very freeing to just not be bothered by it.
I understand your thoughts on this. Iâm blessed to have my s-n-love & d-n-loveâs in the same town as us.
I never wanted the fight of whoâs Christmas/Thanksgiving do I get them.
I made it that we are flexible and will work around the other families.
It has worked great⊠and I have peaceâŠ.
ps⊠all the kids want to sleep here toođ
And I bet You Prob. Get A lot more TIME over all.... â€
Smart woman!
I too donât mind my daughter and her fiancĂ© going to his parents for Christmas. They live above me in a flat we made by doing an attic conversion. They have their own front door and the only thing we share is the garden. Itâs actually quite a relief, no pressure on me to cook and prepare mountains of food I canât afford. I have treats that I enjoy, films I enjoy and an early night knowing I will see them on the other 364 days of the year đ
@@Summerrose400 I, as a mother who loves her son soooo much sees your situation as 'living the dream'. To have him so close yet still have your space đ€ I would still feel a bit wishful they'd spend one christmas with me ocassionally, but you're being really rational. â€
Someone shared this and thought I'd share here. Same messageâ€ïž
This Tattoo has gone viral along with its poem, have you read it yet?
âLet Themâ
âJust Let them.
If they want to choose something or someone over you, LET THEM.
If they want to go weeks without talking to you, LET THEM.
If they are okay with never seeing you, LET THEM.
If they are okay with always putting themselves first, LET THEM.
If they are showing you who they are and not what you perceived them to be, LET THEM.
If they want to follow the crowd, LET THEM.
If they want to judge or misunderstand you, LET THEM.
If they act like they can live without you, LET THEM.
If they want to walk out of your life and leave,
hold the door open, AND LET THEM.
Let them lose you.
You were never theirs, because you were always your own.
So let them.
Let them show you who they truly are, not tell you.
Let them prove how worthy they are of your time.
Let them make the necessary steps to be a part of your life.
Let them earn your forgiveness.
Let them call you to talk about ordinary things.
Let them take you out on a Thursday.
Let them talk about anything and everything just because itâs you they are talking to.
Let them have a safe place in you.
Let them see the heart in you that didnât harden.
Let them love you. â
Author: Cassie Phillips
Yeah, but if they do all talk and no listen... well, that gets old pretty quickly.
That is beautiful. Thank you!
â€â€
Thank you. I'm 60 years old and never thought of this. But it makes perfect sense. I'm going to do this all the time now because I'm absolutely exhausted. Life is too short. â€ïž
I lost a friend of over 20 years because she would not Let Me be me. I declined to go to her Xmas Eve party, my husband and I opting to go out for dinner instead. Little did I know that this one action would cause her to accuse me of hating her family, of questioning why we were friends, of raging at me. I sat on this for a while, let her make the decision to call me and we planned a meet up over coffee. She refused to admit that her behavior was manipulative and controlling. Iâve walked away from this relationship, itâs been 3 months since that coffee and silence from her. My 40âs are seeing a lot of this, I have no time for other peoples chaos or drama. We are all free to be ourselves. âIâm the only person in control of my powerful emotions about things!â
Exact same thing happened to me only in a different way. Relationship of over 35 years. Best friend. Mel's video has relieved me of the obligation to think about it anymore.
đ So, just ignore what is important to her, do not share your reasons, to be alone is so much nicer, away with friendship, who cares.
@@namensrichtlinien1298 that is not what I said at all. Amazing the assumptions you made there, with so little information on this schism. I mean I was brief, but you took her side quite readily without knowing either of us or our relationship. What about what is important to me? To my husband and me? Sounds like you need to do some introspective work yourself mate. Cheers.
@@namensrichtlinien1298 and your post is Uber manipulative! Lay that guilt and shame on someone else!
@@Manjaxi again with the assumptions. I had attended once before her Xmas eve party. Only once ever. That party involved my friends alcoholic sister rubbing her breasts and gyrating on my husband in a provocative way. Of watching my drunken friend and her sister screaming at each other over lost keys. A party of drunks. I declined to attend again due to my husband feeling uncomfortable being around my friends sister. This same friend had been taking the piss out of me for months prior over small differences of opinion between us. My husband and I have a tradition of going out for Chinese on Christmas Eve. âFancy Dinnerâ is your assumption, again oddly manipulative even as you give unasked for advice. More like Chinese buffet and a bubble tea.
Yes ego does play a part in both parties. My friend and I are both head strong people, part of what bonded the friendship all those years ago. However, I got my drinking under control, learned to let others be themselves (you didnât ask how many times this friend had bailed on my own invitations, minimum of ten and I did not throw fits just said âok next time thenâ), to control my emotions and opinions and to let people go if need be. I validated my friends feelings of hurt and explained that my husband and I have our own traditions to forge, that we are all in with each other for the long haul. However, my feelings were discarded and she clearly felt entitled to belittle me for hurting her feelings.
Iâm on a path to better myself, to be the best version of me. You become like the company you keep. Remember that. My friend needs to start Adulting better, weâre all free.
Cheers.
I'm grateful for this wisdom. I had an 8 yr. "What I thought was a friendship" end recently. Instead of chasing for an answer, I released the person with gratitude and let go.
This happens so often as we age.
Let them go.
Madea had this going first.
I'm dealing with this right now.A 15 years of friendship that started in high school now,has essentially gone down the drain in a month's time.Not sure where the energy came from but I'm not going to waste my time to figure it out.If they found a better deal than what I gave them,good for them.Ive been blessed in so many other areas of my life,that it's really not worth the stress.đ„Ÿ
And so today begins the rest of my life â€
Omg Mel.this is the most empowering message ive heard in my 69 yrs on this planet. GOD BLESS YOU â€â€â€â€
Oh my lord! Spot on. I married two husbands because they had "potential". Never realizing I had my own potential and I made things happen with MY potential and energy and commitment. Thank you for giving me food for thought. â€
đ
you married somebody with "potential" without looking at yourself in the mirror?
@@lantherpagdi You get a gold star for getting the general idea! Girls where I came from were socialized that the sun rises and sets with men. I suppose that's good for the manđ€©.
Years ago I had cancer my so called best friend never once came to see me or even call me on the phone to see how I was doing, when I was all done my cancer and treatment her husband and her new friends came over to tell us we were not on their ball team anymore because we all played ball together ! It broke my heart and she has been telling people that I ended our friendship . I was mad but cancer sometimes kicks your Ass but it really opens you up to kind people who did not even know me that show me love and support that I never got from my friend.Friends are put in your life to teach you something! And sometimes you have to walk away! Because some friends just arenât good for you!
You are correct, this is a lesson.
Wâ@@dianemartinez8126
Dude... that's pure evĂl!! She was using you.
I had a âfriendâ like that too. Iâm so thankful my illness improved my âvisionâ to see who was who in my life.
I lost many friendships and relationships in my years of living, and I was once a people pleaser who tried to see the good in everyone. So when people walked out of my life, I often asked myself and peers what was I doing wrong and whyâd they leave. The more you overthink why this person did this or that, youâll drive yourself insane. I stopped controlling situations, people, and outcomes. I simply let them.
I've been like this all my life and people think i'm cold. No i'm not cold I just like peace. Even with my own daughters, when they wanted to date the abusive person that keeps beating them. I wanted to help But it was not not worth it. So I moved out-of-state and let them deal with their own issues. They had to learn the hard way. You cannot force nobody to do something.
I love this . This came at a perfect time . I have a fiancĂ© and we have a long distance relationship. He talks and talks about this female friend . I have totally stopped whining about this and he questioned me about it . He loved the controversy . This is what I discovered when I let him . I am free from jealousy . I tell him that I canât be worried about what he does because he will do what he feels he needs to do . When this happens I just donât participate and honestly reevaluate this relationship .
like tug of war. One team letâs go of the rope & the other team falls down
No resistance
You deserve better than him
Hi MarienâŠyes he needs to go
Going through the same. I have understood that Im enough and I choose not to be triangulated with another woman/women
Ummm...triangulation. I'd think twice.
Thank you Mel. My sister has decided to cut us all out of her life and Iâve spent 10 years trying to bring her back in the family and got myself hurt in the process. With the let them theory Iâve learnt to let go, sheâll come back to us when sheâs ready, and I get to stop being upset about it and do my own thing in the meanwhile. Like you said this isnât about me itâs about her and the space she needs
I've cut of a sister, my mother keeps intervening - she's risking getting cut off too. She has to let me be because she doesn't have the same experience of my sister. I cannot force her to see it either. I have to "let her" feel worried or overly responsible or I risk my mother dragging me back into the drama.
Absolutely. At the end, it is not about you (this was your sisters choice) and remember that as you breathe and let go of what and whom you canât control..đ
Your response hit home w me only Iâm the one excluding dysfunctional family members from MY life.
Try trying to think of at least one reason why she should not come back, turn it around and maybe it,s for her of your best interest to go each your own path
I admire you for how you handled this situation. đșđđŸ
If your listeners donât want to take your advice . . .âlet themâ
My thing is "let that shit die of neglect." Love the Let Them theory!!
I needed this today! I broke my foot on Mother's Day. I have 4 close friends (or so I thought) and have only heard from one of them...once. Thank you for the reminder not to waste my energy on them.
Exactly! Been dealing with the âsilenceâ from the mother of my nephew. Been reaching out and left voicemails but to no avail. She has yet to respond. At first I was annoyed but I saw Melâs instagram post and immediately said to myself âok. She doesnât want to call me back, let her! Iâll be okay.â
I had a terrible week of expectations and misery of my own making, and then I started worrying about people being mad at me, and then I realized I can let them. And a bigger epiphany is that I can also let myself experience my own emotions and not try to control them. I can extend that same grace to myself. Thanks!
How do u let them.. without harboring resentment ? We all know to âLET THEMâ already but itâs so hard not catch offense or resentment in the process. In turn it manifest into a bitter outlook on life and on to my personality. I already knew this ! The let them theory is not an epiphany for me. I already knew this. Let them doesnât stop u from feeling over looked, unworthy and lonely.
This has helped me figure out how to deal with my brother, sister in law and their kids. They have systematically excluded me from their lives and my sister in law went on a campaign of maligning me. For 40 years I have tried to please them but now I actually feel free. I have peace that they will never include me and I also realize that they only include me when they need me for something. I am their âtea makerâ, they only think of me when they need something from me. I am free to tell them that I will now morally support them from afar but Iâm no longer going to be pulled into any drama of their own making. Thank you Mel.
Thank you Mel! I have a narcissistic X who turned my children against me. Iâm devastated to say the least and cry daily in disbelief that they were so easily brainwashed. Narcissistic Parental Abandonment - just found out it isnât just me. I canât go on like this anymore so Iâll try your âLet themâ and âF*** Itâ (made me laugh for the first time since idk) approach. I need to find some sort of happiness and Love in this world. đ
Leave this one in Gods Hands Sharon knapp. As Mel says, and I am paraphrasing, the more you chase, the more they will run. Chances are they will eventually come to their senses đ€đŒ. Foe me when it comesvto your children they deserve alot of leeway in most instances and you can not hold a grudge. Praying for many blessings for you.
Ephesians 6:1-4
6 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 âHonor your father and motherâ (this is the first commandment with a promise), 3 âthat it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.â 4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
My dad turned my mum against me after they divorced. I was really brainwashed for a few years, but when I couldnât take it living with him anymore I came back to her and realised what had happened. So donât worry, let them, they will come back and they will know. Just keep your door and heart open. Iâm sorry that youâre going through this but it will be okay.
I'm so terribly sorry you're going through this. I am a firm believer in "actions speak louder than words" kids pick up on everything, and one day it'll all click. Don't lose hope. Just keep shining and put on your best you! Everything will fall into place. I'm praying for you dear heart â„ïž
Iâm another mother , divorced and ex of narcissistic for 47 years. He has and is brainwashed them to the point they donât invite me to graduations, weddings or anything and Iâm the one dealing with the pain he has caused. People are evil.
â@@debbiesmith8544 narcs are very evil. Blessing hun
A cousin discovered online that I had three adult siblings. We were all in our forties by that time. I tried very hard, too hard to try to build relationships with them. I finally LET GO, and let them decide if they want to pursue a relationship with me. I donât believe that they will, and while that hurts, my peace is too important at this point.
From Alanon literature, Iâve retained a quote: ââŠgive other people the respect of allowing them to live their own lives.â
So many people need this message! I wish all the over functioning parents in my area would watch. Kids (and adults) need consequences to learn and grow.
Thank you Mel for the way you show up everyday! I love how real you are. I'm 61 and have been parked on the side of the road for the last 30 years as a result of my thinking and choices. I'm 10 years sober now and I'm pulling back onto the highway. Enough of the pity parties, talking about the glory days that really weren't that glorious, and this crappy comfort zone, because it really is never over till it's over, and I'm really just getting started. Your podcast is food for my soul and I have also taken the take control challenge. I will keep you posted. Have a great day on purpose and thanks again for being a lifeline and I love you right back!! đđđđâ€ïžđŻ
Sending you best wishes for a wonderful next phase as you travel the highway. Take the scenic route! You are not alone. There are many of us and we need to encourage and model for each other.
âpeople are going to do what they want to do no matter what anyone says or doesâ
I concur.
Now I want to go to the avocado pit
đđđ
Hey Mel, I listened to this already three times. As a Mindful coach, and someone who feels responsible for everyone elseâs emotional state, I may need to listen to this, another hundred times.
Every word resonates with me. And though I may have to erase decades of programming, I will absolutely do it to save myself and those around me. Thank you.
See what I mean now Iâm trying to save them, again. Nope! Iâll simply let them.đ
Yesss!!!! Great video!!!
Your not alone !!!! This is LIFE CHANGING FOR ME!!!! TY Mel
â@@kellymontes9841 YES I'M GOING TO LISTEN 3 TIMES TĂO
I started using the let them theory with my oldest son, he is 14 yo and he started highschool last year...I made the decision to let him manage the class selection, the itinerary, I empowered him to start resolving the school roadblocks, to fix any missing assignments or a failed exam. Even though he knows I am here and Daddy always can help...but he was in charge of doing it. AND Let me tell you...He has grown a lot...let himself do the rescue on his own and give him the power to take control to fail and succeed. PLease believe me...Iâve noticed that things go much more smoothly when I give up control-when I allow them to happen instead of making them happen. Unfortunately, Iâm still terrible at this. But I am working on it and changing habits.
I cannot do that. He will fail miserably đą He has zero motivation to learn
My 23 year old daughter decided to disown and leave the family. We were devastated because this all happened out of nowhere. I decided not to care because she's grown and she's making a conscious decision, and now I'm the bad guy because I don't care. I'm a firm believer in free will for adults. I'm at peace đ
You are not alone... same with my daughter. Sometimes, I light a candle for her, and I send her love and light. Ultimately, we can't control others- but we can send them positive vibes â€
Same thing like this happened to me, my daughter, years ago, after she graduated high school, she didnât want anything to do with me, yes it hurt, for a few years, but I came to the realization, thatâs what she wanted, and I moved onâŠShe is 48 now, and itâs still the same way. No, it doesnât bother meâŠmy life is goodâ€đđ»
We were so close until they were about 28. Now at 33 and 35 poof gone, they were not abused they were adored. Daily. By both parents. Iâm Single and 69. Christmas gone thanksgiving gone birthdays gone. I âlet themâ3 years ago. Iâm still grieving.
I love this! It brings peace to my life. Trying to always be in control itâs exhausting. Thank you đđŒ â€
pure gold. Another plus of " let them" is your health. Literally your health. Almost all diseases, especially the autoimmune ones and the coronary artery diseases are DIRECTLY linked to this inner resistance of events and people!! The following emotional rollercoaster and stress leads to immune deficiency and the epigenetic kicks us into diseases. đthanks!! Drug addicts, alcoholics and emotional abusers are notorious of dragging down anyone who doesn't let them. The " helper" dies before the addict quite often. GOLD!
One of my favorite mantras/inner talk is ânothing matters that muchâ. Even after years and years of doing and â then đą receiving a diagnosis of cancer. You realize your finite self. At this moment you can say without thwart NOTHING MATTERS THST MUCH.
O my God, how are you now?
@@afrancis7475 Iâm great!! Nothing is more important then how I feel. Itâs catching the mind chatter before my body hears it. Lol. My mind says go do do do more faster. My body says; yeah go ahead Iâll catch up later. Body wins. Haha
Perfect!!! Love this!!!! No drama. No chaos.
This âLet themâ theory and the âItâll passâ line in Fleabag 2 are now my dual action guide of emotion management.
It works more effectively when these actions being called out in such specific and articulating phrases.
Thanks to Mel and Phoebe. Both of you are caring and intelligent thinkers and writers of our time.
I love this⊠I call it âyou in or out?â If I ask a friend to go to dinner, brunch or movie, I just want to know if theyâre in or out. Do NOT want to know their itinerary for the whole week, or why they canât do whatever. I just tell themâOK next timeâ.
Haha! So true! My sister always tells me the more important things she has to do.
When they show us who they are, we need to believe them from the FIRST TIME. It could save our lives.
This message is for me. I need to relax and âlet them â in all areas of my life.
This is so helpful right now! I am the controlling person always in everyoneâs business, especially with my family (where everyone is the same and we drive each other nuts!). Today I found out a close friend who bought a new vacation house invited various friends and relatives to stay the entire time she is going to be there through the fall and didnât invite me. I started getting worked up because my feelings were hurt. Now, Iâm just thinking, if she wants to invite all these other people but not me, LET HER. I have other places to go and she can do whatever she wants. Let her. Let her. Let her.
So sorry you are hurt. Life can be hurtful.
100%trueâŠ. When you are aligned with yourself, true colors seriously show up âŠ. let them !!!!
Iâll tell you what Iâm afraid of âŠ. Being taken advantage of!! I did let it go and now itâs been 6 years since my family has spoken to me. The day I decided to let it go ⊠they were gone !! Even though Iâm strong and can move on ⊠it still really hurts!! Just be prepared in what you choose to âlet goâ of. đ€
I had a very similar situation - what helped me is that I had to realize I loved the âidea of who they were in my mindâ and not who/what they were to me.
I wrote it all down, to externalise - and I focus on the people that love and support me. Every time Iâm down, I buy a small Gift and remind myself to be grateful to the people who are here.
Same here still hurts but the other way round just look worst if you think about it like being in the matrix. You have been brave, you are brave!
This is wonderful. Also the âheartâ of the Al-Anon program. Meetings everyday, everywhere, across the world.
So very sorry. Of course it hurts.
@@JDAfrica I forgot to thank you 9 months ago for your comment⊠so thank you đ very thoughtful and comforting.
This was on my feed today, and it's something I needed to hear today.
The only thing that you can control is your own choice. You simply cannot control the choices that others make. You can only suggest choices. The moment you âlet themâ make choices, stand back, observe, and âlet themâ learn from their choices. thanks Mel â€
Thank you so much for this Mel đ†my adult kids hurt me everyday now I know I canât control how they treat me . And I donât have to spend the holidays with them when I am not important to them . I will just let them !
So very sorry you are hurt.
I have been doing this unconsciously for the last 6 to 9 months - the freedom is indescribable. Thank you for giving this a name!
Thank you Mel, I enjoy your teaching.
I am so grateful to find your channel! As a cancer patient, I am working through letting go of so many emotionsâŠthis seems to be my new mantra. Thank you for the effort you put into creating inspirational content that truly makes a difference in our lives!
This is amazing, Mel. My son is an alcoholic, got fired - total âvictimâ. Iâm trying every single minute to just let him. Thank you.
They need to see how bad things are when nobody is rearranging the deck chairs.
My son as well. Iâm trying to do what I reasonably can, but accept that I canât control what he does.
@@SusanaXpeace2uso true. Iâve done too much and it was enabling.
When I saw the Instagram post....whew!! I got chills. I had to "let" the people in my life do what they do without me injecting my opinions (whether I said it out loud or stood silently in judgment). It has been the most liberating thing I have ever done for me as well as for them!
Iâm almost 43, and have actually been doing this for most of my adult life. It saves a lot of time and energy, and is definitely worth it for your mental health.
I really needed to hear this, thank you.
I have no friends now because i stopped being the only one reaching out. I also let my husband do whatever he wants with his free time and it's ruined our marriage. We barely speak because he's always on his computer. I guess you can let others do what they want but that doesn't mean you will be happy. đ
Very good point!
I think it still means honest open communication about your feelings. Itâs also hard you have to say hey honey we really need to prioritize our marriage and spend time together. If you play video games that much I feel abandoned neglected. Letâs plan more dates and please cut down on video games itâs probably an addiction. If they donât care when you approach them with kindness and respect thatâs either an addiction or they donât care about you. Then itâs okay I deserve someone better.
This can backfire really badly.
I let them.
And my world of people got very small... which I was initially very happy with and in.
Then,in the next 8 years half of my people died.
The other half has since gone separate ways or it has just broken us.
What I'm saying is if you have people who care, put in the damn effort.
I discovered this on my own a while back and it works great! I "let them " live their own lives!
This is giving me so much relief. My 40âs have just been improved. Thank you.
Mel - You are amazing, you make the world such a better place and I love your authenticity! Listen to you every day :)
I absolutely love this. I used to get really hurt when people didnât do what I expected of them and I decided one day to not have any more expectations, no matter who the person was. It has been liberating to say the least. It has given me the ability to notice and appreciate the things that people do for me, no matter how small.
I needed to hear this exact thing. I needed to let go and stop trying to control the uncontrollable. Thank you Mel Robbins.
It is hard to watch someone you love go down a dangerous path. We can offer assistance in some way, but it is up to them. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. I can't change them. All I can do is be an example for good. It hurt like he'll, but they are responsible for their choices. I know I went kinda deep on this topic. I am seeing the loss of my husband to addiction and other vices. Thanks for sharing!! I know I need to let go before it destroys me and our children.
This hit home really hard. I am such a fixer! I didn't realize this was a distraction for my own problems. I will try to focus on myself now.
Such beautiful advice. I just took your advice. Thank you.
"Let them." I love this so much. It has taken me a LONG time to learn this.
Wow, Mel when you told the story of your parents not visiting you and you said, "Let them, they have their reasons," I had to rewind to hear that tiny phrase again. My almost 40 year old son, who I was always close to, has suddenly stopped speaking to me, taking my calls or texts and even refused to attend a family event because I was there. This has been one of the most painful things I have ever experienced.
I want to believe he has a good reason for it (at least in his mind) otherwise all this agony is for no reason at all. I will "let him" and hope and pray he comes back some day and that the damage done to my relationship with him and with the estrangement from my grandkids isn't permanent.
I feel for you, that situation resonates with me. Itâs important to share this stuff because itâs more common than we realise. My parents are dead, Iâm single without children and I have two brothers that never call or visit . I got tired of being the one doing all of the travelling and visiting which did keep one of those relationships alive, but after some very deep conflict regarding a sex offender uncle I stopped running after them. Niw nothing. Itâs devastating isnât it? I cried for 3 days on and off last Christmas whilst alone. Christmas is the only time my elder brother calls and the other one texts a short â happy Christmas, I hope you had a nice dayâ message on Christmas night. . I was honest and said â Iâve been devastated, being left out by family at Christmas does that to youâ he ignored me. I STILL go to their kids birthdays when thereâs a meal out/drinks that Iâm invited to but I donât know why, weâll I do, itâs to hold on to any semblance of family that I barely still have. Itâs sad, really sad. My mum and dad must be turning in their graves.
((Hugs)) I feel this deeply with you. â€â€â€
Going through the same thing. I pray for him and his family but I've release that and that has helped my mental and emotional health.
My eldest son has walked away from our relationship too, so I understand how you feel. But when I released the feeling like Mel says, I felt so much better â€
Do you really not have any idea why he is doing this? Hard to believe he would alienate you for nothing. Unless somebody told a lie about you and he is just taking their word for it.
Thank you. Thank you. I have tried the phrase "let IT GO" forever, it never really worked. But "let THEM" works... It's kind of shocking. Bold. It personifies the statement. Now I say to myself "Oh! Let them" and I add "I am just the observer." And I usually walk away calmly and at peace. Wow. You helped me in like 30 seconds and my life has literally improved in just days. Thank you SO much you are my new fave. đđđȘ