Absolutely this. I still have trouble with basic self-care sometimes while others are struggling-as if by downplaying my own needs makes anything better for anyone. Thankfully I’m improving.
Thank you so very much Ma'am. Now I am understanding my mom, after what you have said. Now I understand my feelings of unworthiness. And wht I put everyone else before myself. Now I get myself. God Bless You.
This explains 95% of the adult relationships I created - friendships, partners, etc. I cleaned house 6 years ago, but it has been HARD work building healthy relationships. Dr. Gibson’s perspective is really helping at this stage of my healing. I’ve been hyper focused on avoiding narcissistic people. Her work is helping me see things from a broader and more compassionate view.
whenever we have a talk with my father he tells me that "my problems are 1000x (I'm not exaggerating) are harder than you" "i have more problems than you" etc. he acts like I'm the problem but all i do is thinking its better if i get hurt rather than him being sad.
He also prefers that instead of feeling sad or any other negative emotion, you get hurt. It might help to consider whether or not he wants to approve of you; if approval is a thing that he does, or if you are barking up the wrong tree. When I took a step back and realized my mother didn't approve of her own self, I began to see how silly it was that I expected her to approve of me for who I am. She doesn't do that for her own self; it will never be extended to me.
Story of my life. 63 years of it. A spoiled man of 2 adult alcoholics. He almost got all of my mother's attention and resources. Took 10 years that she passed to accept that. Causing serious consequences for her children. When you see it, you can't see it. Retrobate minds.
This is a partial truth. This is narcissism. There are a variety of ways emotional immaturity can show up in parents. This is not the only type of emotionally immature adult/parent. They're not all alike.
I remember one specific yearly party my parents threw for all of my dads coworkers where i thought to myself, wow, i wish this party would never end. Not because the party was fun, but because both my parents kept doting on me and saying how special i was and how much they loved being parents. It was so weird because once the party ended, my same immature, selfish, and screaming parents came back. I liked the parents who put on the mask that they were actually good to us and cared and loved us unconditionally. Thats the parents they want to beleive they were when we grew up and the reaction to their abuse was simply a fluke due to some mental problems that we as the kids had. It couldnt have been a reaction to their treatment because they were awesome (again, in their own delusional minds). Its sad now when i think of that memory. Inuse it though as a reminder to not be fake for other people, but be good and present and mindful of my children. Makingnit betterbfor the next generation continuing forward.
@@Theacademyofselfhelp whoa, that was really kind of you to say that. I plan to continue working to heal myself so I can also show/teach my kids these lessons. I know I won't be perfect, but being aware of my imperfections and mindful to expose them when they happen is the goal. This way they don't blame themselves for my toxicity. Acknowledge and expose, show remorse, work to do better, and offer a way to help them mend their hurt. Healing all the way through. At least a large part of the generational toxicity will be dealt with. Again, thank you...
Door #3 would be you getting the healthy healing you need and deserve and then try to help your adult child to get the help they need and end this generational cycle of toxicity. Be the one to try to break the wheel not just for your own healing and peace but for the generations continuing down. Much love to you during your journey 💕❤️💕❤️
That’s just a trauma brain adult that still lives in the child like brain because they don’t know about healing their emotional wounds before having children….not doing it intentionally…they just aren’t aware they need healed…generations do this…
@@tonyakimberley1145 yes they share many common features, but a CZcams search will be able to provide much better help with that then I can through here. 💛
Yes what we do not address in ourselves, our own hangups, are passed on to our children. Because the parent's thinking creates the blueprint of thought for the kid in their first 3-4 years. The way we think, is the way our life goes. Jonice Webb CEN, articles and books Lisa Romano CZcams Patricia Evans "Controlling people" Pia Mellody's work, all of it, is phenomenal as well. You were always worth it. ❤
Either by replicating what they were modeled, normalizing and accepting as appropriate, or by reacting and pushing away from the way their parents are; compensatory behavior is still not healthy, it is still based on what the parent did, not truly on themselves.
I suspect we are also emotionally immature simply because of the role models with whom we lived. It isn't genetically inherited. We are deprived of well-rounded educations, so to speak. If you hear only English growing up, you will not understand other languages. We grew up in a family culture that knew only limited ways of viewing and responding to the world. Perhaps someone else will have another view and point out the errors of my opinion.
@@nancybartley4610 yes definitely!! Anyone who had a parent that was unable to be an emotionally mature adult, will have to learn these things once they leave the safety of the family's social circle. And it's not like as adults, we get assigned "life homework." Usually we have to mess up enough times to be willing to look in the mirror, and that can take a lot of years, depending on how good we got at crisis management. 😅 I was sort of relieved to learn it isn't an uncommon experience, at least I'm not some oddity. It is a relief to find your situation described so clearly in a book, after years of looking. 😊💗
Narcissistic behaviours. Display them or culture them? What it needs is a balance of both - No one is more important. The problem with this idiotic “emotionally immature parent” BS is that if you keep feeding them the idea they’re always important, when they get to the real world and find out that they’re not, they can’t deal with it.
@@Theacademyofselfhelp Yes but only at the appropriate times - when you achieve things through hard work and effort. NOT just for existing, no merit award or participation awards. What's worse is the belittling of parents who understand this value. There is a major psychological issue with the latest generation of their need to be special and to stand out, even when they are not, and the emotional crash at adulthood when they find out they are not. The "emotionally intellegent" parents who pander to children are doing the children a long term disservice.
I think the distinction is that emotionally mature parents understand that it is their responsibility to help the young child see where they can contribute to society in a meaningful way and which skills need to be built on. Emotionally immature parents have children and then don’t consider the impact and responsibility that their behavior has on the later efficacy of the grown child. Consider the child given lots of fancy baubles growing up but never encouraged to try new things or get back on the horse, this child grows believing they’re role is only in receiving but not actually producing and the gratification it provides. Hedonic pleasure is easy and excessive, eudonic pleasure is more lasting but parents must be active participants in helping children to cultivate it.
@@jeanettedorfman5872 again you miss the lack of balance. In response to your examples - If the child is encouraged/educated that their role is to contribute to society, this leads to a need of validation from others through subservience. A despite need of validation we see in social media today. There must be a balance in which their gratification comes from self fulfillment (obtaining level of education, their dream car, etc) with/as-a-result of contributing to society. The parent that you have incorrectly labeled as "emotionally immature" are actually self obsessed/narcissistic and they provide their children with baubles to placate them and don't give the effort their children need. Their need for having children, although based somewhat on subconscious biological impulses, are usual produced by their need to fit into and contribute to society (ironic). To display their growth or "emotional intelligence" to others as it be. No, true emotional intelligence is the ability to clearly identify the feeling you have, deem if it is important or to be ignore (to be stoic). People are quite capable of being emotionally intelligent, know their feelings, understand how it impacts them and others if they acted upon them..... and not giving a damn about it. Therefore their actions, or lack of, cannot be a measurement of their emotional intelligence. Now its no long about emotional intelligence but ethics/morals. We can hand that topic to theologists.
Absolutely this. I still have trouble with basic self-care sometimes while others are struggling-as if by downplaying my own needs makes anything better for anyone. Thankfully I’m improving.
That’s all we can do! Keep it up! 🙌♥️
This book changed my life. ❤ thank you. I wish I could sit and give you a hug. These videos are so impactful.
Come join Dr Gibson for live workshops in our community and you can tell her yourself! theacademyofselfhelp.com
Thank you so very much Ma'am. Now I am understanding my mom, after what you have said. Now I understand my feelings of unworthiness. And wht I put everyone else before myself. Now I get myself. God Bless You.
This explains 95% of the adult relationships I created - friendships, partners, etc. I cleaned house 6 years ago, but it has been HARD work building healthy relationships. Dr. Gibson’s perspective is really helping at this stage of my healing. I’ve been hyper focused on avoiding narcissistic people. Her work is helping me see things from a broader and more compassionate view.
You changed my life too. Thank you. I am no longer being hurt. I have left them.
So happy for you! 🙌
whenever we have a talk with my father he tells me that "my problems are 1000x (I'm not exaggerating) are harder than you" "i have more problems than you" etc. he acts like I'm the problem but all i do is thinking its better if i get hurt rather than him being sad.
He also prefers that instead of feeling sad or any other negative emotion, you get hurt. It might help to consider whether or not he wants to approve of you; if approval is a thing that he does, or if you are barking up the wrong tree.
When I took a step back and realized my mother didn't approve of her own self, I began to see how silly it was that I expected her to approve of me for who I am. She doesn't do that for her own self; it will never be extended to me.
@@PaigeSquaredyeah, but it's very painful to live withese parents because they will blame you for everything.
I feel u brother :( Mine also like that. Usu my counselor say just tune out but tod it was hard i felt mad
My Mother. Exactly.
I used to feel like my mother made me feel this way especially when she always covered alot for my brother when he used to cause chaos
Story of my life. 63 years of it. A spoiled man of 2 adult alcoholics. He almost got all of my mother's attention and resources. Took 10 years that she passed to accept that. Causing serious consequences for her children. When you see it, you can't see it. Retrobate minds.
This is a partial truth. This is narcissism. There are a variety of ways emotional immaturity can show up in parents. This is not the only type of emotionally immature adult/parent. They're not all alike.
Narcs, indeed.
You described my childhood
I remember one specific yearly party my parents threw for all of my dads coworkers where i thought to myself, wow, i wish this party would never end. Not because the party was fun, but because both my parents kept doting on me and saying how special i was and how much they loved being parents. It was so weird because once the party ended, my same immature, selfish, and screaming parents came back. I liked the parents who put on the mask that they were actually good to us and cared and loved us unconditionally. Thats the parents they want to beleive they were when we grew up and the reaction to their abuse was simply a fluke due to some mental problems that we as the kids had. It couldnt have been a reaction to their treatment because they were awesome (again, in their own delusional minds). Its sad now when i think of that memory. Inuse it though as a reminder to not be fake for other people, but be good and present and mindful of my children. Makingnit betterbfor the next generation continuing forward.
You deserved better, but how beautiful to be the great healer of your lineage. 🫂♥️
@@Theacademyofselfhelp whoa, that was really kind of you to say that. I plan to continue working to heal myself so I can also show/teach my kids these lessons. I know I won't be perfect, but being aware of my imperfections and mindful to expose them when they happen is the goal. This way they don't blame themselves for my toxicity. Acknowledge and expose, show remorse, work to do better, and offer a way to help them mend their hurt. Healing all the way through. At least a large part of the generational toxicity will be dealt with. Again, thank you...
@@tacocat510 that’s beautiful my friend, keep going always! 💛
We all feel the same way. My parents sucked. And now my daughter has canceled me. Just wait till they have kids.Its gonna be a sad day.
Door #3 would be you getting the healthy healing you need and deserve and then try to help your adult child to get the help they need and end this generational cycle of toxicity. Be the one to try to break the wheel not just for your own healing and peace but for the generations continuing down. Much love to you during your journey 💕❤️💕❤️
My life.
Yes 😢
That’s just a trauma brain adult that still lives in the child like brain because they don’t know about healing their emotional wounds before having children….not doing it intentionally…they just aren’t aware they need healed…generations do this…
Yes, thank God for my loving grand mah
thankyou. I'll not be sending this forward to them though, of course
Is there a difference between EIP’s and Narcissists? Are they one in the same?
“All narcissists are emotionally immature, but not all emotionally immature are narcissists.” -Lindsay C. Gibson
@@Theacademyofselfhelp Thank you. Is there a way to tell if someone is a Narcissist?
@@tonyakimberley1145 yes they share many common features, but a CZcams search will be able to provide much better help with that then I can through here. 💛
Didn t hear it clearly thé beginning" just are as of just aren t"?
What ever happened to Gary Cooper? The strong silent type?
What happens to children growing up with immature parents.. mostly Mum... are those children immature too? Can you inherent it? Copy it?
Yes what we do not address in ourselves, our own hangups, are passed on to our children. Because the parent's thinking creates the blueprint of thought for the kid in their first 3-4 years. The way we think, is the way our life goes.
Jonice Webb CEN, articles and books
Lisa Romano CZcams
Patricia Evans "Controlling people"
Pia Mellody's work, all of it, is phenomenal as well.
You were always worth it. ❤
Either by replicating what they were modeled, normalizing and accepting as appropriate, or by reacting and pushing away from the way their parents are; compensatory behavior is still not healthy, it is still based on what the parent did, not truly on themselves.
I suspect we are also emotionally immature simply because of the role models with whom we lived. It isn't genetically inherited. We are deprived of well-rounded educations, so to speak. If you hear only English growing up, you will not understand other languages. We grew up in a family culture that knew only limited ways of viewing and responding to the world.
Perhaps someone else will have another view and point out the errors of my opinion.
@@nancybartley4610 yes definitely!! Anyone who had a parent that was unable to be an emotionally mature adult, will have to learn these things once they leave the safety of the family's social circle. And it's not like as adults, we get assigned "life homework." Usually we have to mess up enough times to be willing to look in the mirror, and that can take a lot of years, depending on how good we got at crisis management. 😅
I was sort of relieved to learn it isn't an uncommon experience, at least I'm not some oddity. It is a relief to find your situation described so clearly in a book, after years of looking. 😊💗
@@PaigeSquared Thanks for your input. I like your upbeat attitude.
Again, you just described a narcissist, so then tell me what is the difference?
Narcissistic behaviours. Display them or culture them? What it needs is a balance of both - No one is more important. The problem with this idiotic “emotionally immature parent” BS is that if you keep feeding them the idea they’re always important, when they get to the real world and find out that they’re not, they can’t deal with it.
Did your parents make you feel special?
@@Theacademyofselfhelp Yes but only at the appropriate times - when you achieve things through hard work and effort. NOT just for existing, no merit award or participation awards. What's worse is the belittling of parents who understand this value. There is a major psychological issue with the latest generation of their need to be special and to stand out, even when they are not, and the emotional crash at adulthood when they find out they are not. The "emotionally intellegent" parents who pander to children are doing the children a long term disservice.
I think the distinction is that emotionally mature parents understand that it is their responsibility to help the young child see where they can contribute to society in a meaningful way and which skills need to be built on. Emotionally immature parents have children and then don’t consider the impact and responsibility that their behavior has on the later efficacy of the grown child. Consider the child given lots of fancy baubles growing up but never encouraged to try new things or get back on the horse, this child grows believing they’re role is only in receiving but not actually producing and the gratification it provides. Hedonic pleasure is easy and excessive, eudonic pleasure is more lasting but parents must be active participants in helping children to cultivate it.
@@jeanettedorfman5872 again you miss the lack of balance. In response to your examples - If the child is encouraged/educated that their role is to contribute to society, this leads to a need of validation from others through subservience. A despite need of validation we see in social media today. There must be a balance in which their gratification comes from self fulfillment (obtaining level of education, their dream car, etc) with/as-a-result of contributing to society. The parent that you have incorrectly labeled as "emotionally immature" are actually self obsessed/narcissistic and they provide their children with baubles to placate them and don't give the effort their children need. Their need for having children, although based somewhat on subconscious biological impulses, are usual produced by their need to fit into and contribute to society (ironic). To display their growth or "emotional intelligence" to others as it be. No, true emotional intelligence is the ability to clearly identify the feeling you have, deem if it is important or to be ignore (to be stoic). People are quite capable of being emotionally intelligent, know their feelings, understand how it impacts them and others if they acted upon them..... and not giving a damn about it. Therefore their actions, or lack of, cannot be a measurement of their emotional intelligence. Now its no long about emotional intelligence but ethics/morals. We can hand that topic to theologists.
**(and apparently they are now deleting comments that they object to and cannot defend against)