Don't Send Your Kids to Daycare - Erica Komisar | Maiden Mother Matriarch
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- čas přidán 8. 09. 2024
- In this episode of Maiden Mother Matriarch, Louise Perry and Erica Komisar discuss the link between children going to daycare and poor mental health in later life, the phenomenon of attachment disorder, and more.
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I went to daycare at 2 months old. It was in the house of a lovely woman who took care of me and 4-5 others at a time. I went there for 8 years until I could take the bus home from school. I am incredibly lucky I got her as my caretaker, I think of her very fondly still. My mother has borderline personality and it would have been a nightmare to be with her all day. My whole family walks on eggshells with her. I didn’t bond with her, and hated when she held my hand. She can’t control me like she does my dad and sibling. I’m grateful I went to daycare. Now I have 3 grown children and have been married 25 years, I stayed home with my kids. We chat with them several times a week and enjoy our relationship. We chose to live on less because I wanted to stay home with the kids. I know this doesn’t work for everyone, it just worked for me. Bless all of you mothers who are doing their best, either with your kids in or out of daycare ❤
No, your experience is different and unique, so it doesn’t make daycare right. It’s true that children resolve their many emotional conflicts outside the home when there are abusive parents (your case). The thing is that not the majority of children have mothers like yours. Most have some kind of love for their children. She’s referring about the majority of cases, not the exceptions.
I sympathise with you but I don’t think that’s what this clip from Erica is all about. Your predicament was entirely different
I feel there is a big diffwrence between a amall home daycare and a daycare center.
At a daycare csnter kids get attached to 1 caretaker for 5-8 months and then they get moved to another room. The turnover rates are insane too. So thats what really disrupts the childrens attachment development.
At a home daycare you can spend years bonding to that 1 caretaker so its much better than a typical center.
For parents who absolutely need a daycare, i would advocate for a home daycare over a center any day of the week.
We experimented sending our 11 months old to a daycare for two days, but she cried her lungs out every single second she was there. The fear and dread in her eyes of seeing her parents leave was very real and I can never forget that. We pulled her out of there to care for her at home. This came at the expense of us considering to downsize our house, switch our new car to a used one just so we could provide her home care until she is emotionally prepared for a daycare. I consider us lucky to have made life style changes to accommodate the needs of our child but I acknowledge that many of us don't have that choice. But those who do, should not place there comfort above the needs of a child, specifically talking about infants here.
Thank you! You‘re right! I‘m very insecurely attached, it has huge impact on life even in adult life. ( I grew up with a severly depressed mother, she was physically there but not emotionally. I was her emotional support since early childhood and whenever she got worse I desperately tried to find out what I had done wrong. I was the only person close to her. so it had to be me…I was convinced, although kids feel that way anyway when parents are not well or separating etc.they always think they had done sth wrong. To this day I‘m constantly looking for signs in other ppl about their emotional state to adapt to it. And I never ever felt at ease in a relationship and had partners feeding into my insecurities on top bc I looked out for them unaware of it. After several traumatic events, I decided to stay alone to evade all that. The good part of being alone was that I couldn‘t distract from my own issues anymore. I had to face them bc no one was around anymore. I couldn‘t depend my whole day on what the partner did or felt etc. Finally I started to become aware of my own issues. And finally I was looking for a therapist who benefitted me instead of me doing the same with them as with any person in my life( adapt to what I felt was wanted/expected by them of me)
What are the solutions to this for working class families?
It'll be hard, but I'd say the data shows that we have to figure it out.
Wimmin need to concentrate on family more instead of 'careers'.. hard to swallow but thats what it is
@@spiff1 Careers make money FOR the family. Thats my question. Working class women are likely not going to be able to rely on their partner’s income. Many grandparents are too old, disabled, or ill to help watch small children.
@@basscataz Yeah. More time and energy needs to be invested in that. I don’t think anybody really wants to send their kids to strangers.
I was thinking you could just cram kids into smaller houses/apartments. I’m sure kids would actually rather spend more time with parents than have a bigger bedroom that they don’t have to share
This is such a niche internet concern. I've yet to meet anyone in the real world (liberal or conservative / rich or poor) that views daycare negatively. Young children need socialization and mothers need a break.
Not a niche, but an unpopular opinion because parents have been opting for comfort over caring for their children. Babies younger than 3 need intimate parental care not socialization. Of course mothers need a break, that's where the family comes into play. Not every parent has the luxury to be with babies until they are 3 or the support of the family. But those who do, should avoid daycares.
@@raman6267 it is niche because no one offline actually has a strong opinion in the negative when in comes to daycare. Most people understand that childcare is a fairly personal decision and have no interest in inventing judgments for people who they don't even know.
As I said, its an unpopular opinion but to say no one has a strong opinion offline against sending infants to daycare is a fallacy. I respect the choices people make with regards to their little ones due to various reasons, but normalizing the emotional trauma a child goes through at being separated from their parents is leading the society in the wrong direction. If I get blamed for being judgmental, so be it!
@@raman6267 the only people that have strong opinions are overly online virtue signalers. This is highly relevant because their opinions are informed by an understanding of parenthood that is either oversimplied or over idealized. If you genuinely think that daycare causes trauma then you would be doing meaningful work to reduce the need for daycare rather than saying parents are merely seeking convenience.
The fact that you are consciously choosing the ignore the harm caused to children, which is the main point of this video, and questioning the people who have strong opinions doesn’t leave much to imagination about your intensions and intelligence. And in case you forgot… it was you who started this by posting a careless comment “online” first, and mine was only a response to it. High time you learn to take responsibility of what you write online. Take care!
Honestly, if money was no object, I would still send my son to daycare. I'm allowed to have a life outside being his mother. Since he's an only child, I actually think it's good for him to be around other children and he also gets to do activities that we can't offer at home. I haven't seen any behaviour problems in him and he seems completely happy and well-adjusted there. And I'm also happier for not being his sole caretaker around the clock. It takes a village and parents can't do it all.
I don't know. I'm raising 5 alone. Not everyone has a village. Consider yourself lucky.
I Saïd the same thing before my daughter was born. But I got a high need baby. She doesn’t eat when I’m not around . Now I just want to stay home with her .
Of course children look “fine”. The real problems show up during adolescence. That’s why there are so many neglected children. They seem “OK” so there’s no sense of urgency to be with them. Time will tell.
Yup. I honestly though we had agreed as a society that the helicoptering model is universaly bad for kids and adults....children need to do their own things and mothers need time to themselves. Also children are not stupid, they know the difference between "being abandoned" and "not being monitored 24/7."
Yeah I thought everyone was in agreement that the helicopter modle is bad for everyone....also kids are not dumb they know the difference between being abandoned and not being monitored 24/7.
Alot of infants and children under 5…. Would be there from open to close.
this is just another example of the non rigorous science we've come to see from the human sciences. I'm a critical social scientist and I can see right off top how the conclusions drawn here are ignoring other potential variables. The evidence is cherry picked to make a point. I agree that kids can turn out with behavioral issues from certain kinds of daycare, especially long hours there, but a host of parenting issues can also contribute immensely to behavioral and psychological issues and it is very difficult to isolate these variables. Furthermore, in a capitalist society that functions to keep people working, the solution should not be "don't send your kids to daycare." It should be a solution based on solidarity. These kinds of researchers, however, accept the world as it is and try to manage their own place in it, as individuals. Why not advocate changing the world a little bit? But that takes solidarity. It's not "natural" that we should all have to work this much and deprive our children. But this kind of approach accepts it as natural and pretty much unalterable.
The title of the video is meant to be provocative to attract interest, the content itself was just presenting own social findings, and in a world like today we can ONLY present a solution that fits with ourselves individually, if its sensible, others will follow and perhaps new groups can form as a result of many individual decisions. No one should be forced into anything, because others say its for the better good. No one has authority on truth.
where did I say anything about forcing people to do things? And what world are you living in where you are not forced to do things today? And if you are not forced personally, maybe look around a little. Coercion and manipulation that hides coercion are a fundamental part of our world.
Research does not ONLY have to present a solution that fits with a change of individual behavior or attitude. There are whole schools of thought that see this as a profoundly limited approach to truth. They don't claim authority on truth, unlike some researchers who attempt to objectify their research subjects, but they do understand the limits of applying positive science to social phenomena@@sadiemakesmesmile
What she Is saying comes very instinctively to most mothers. Research is just validating it. Cherry picking or no .
@@namitadewan3001 You seem to be arguing against a point I didn't make.
Is she claiming ADHD is a behavioral coping mechanism, not a body thing?
yes my interpretation was that maybe not coping, but ADHD is a symptom of complex ptsd or having to be on high alert during childhood.
but it ALSO becomes a body thing as it affects the nervous system
What utter nonsense! It has been well established in science that ADHD is genetic and that it is not caused by upbringing, sugar consumption, attachment style, too much screen time or anything similar. Mrs. Perry needs to find better-informed guests for her channel.
Yes genetically passed on by dysfunctional patterns. Break the pattern before u have kids,
Its mainly a lack of ‘ executive function skill’. There are activities to help childrens/adults. They have a different way of learning , you cant expect EVERYONE to be robotic , and all the same. No way.
@@marijuarez3773 Yes, it is a deficit of the brain’s executive functions caused by maldevelopment of several brain regions, mainly the prefrontal cortex, but others as well. Inattention is only a superficial symptom of a much more serious disorder which is biological in origin and has nothing to do with attachment style. For more science-based info on ADHD I recommend www.youtube.com/@russellbarkleyphd2023.
@@marijuarez3773 Yes, it is a deficit of the brain’s executive functions caused by maldevelopment of several brain regions, mainly the prefrontal cortex, but others as well. Inattention is only a superficial symptom of a much more serious disorder which is biological in origin and has nothing to do with attachment style. For more science-based info on ADHD I recommend Dr. Russell Barkley’s CZcams channel.
@@marijuarez3773 Yes, it is a deficit of the brain’s executive functions caused by maldevelopment of several brain regions, mainly the prefrontal cortex, but others as well. Inattention is only a superficial symptom of a much more serious disorder which is biological in origin and has nothing to do with attachment style. For more science-based info on ADHD I recommend Dr. Russell Barkley’s CZcams channel.
What a ridiculous video. You don't think most women would stay at home to raise their children if they could?? Honestly. What's your solution to the problem? Are you going to find the money for every family to live the way you're suggesting?
you sound triggered - they are just exposing the truth, they are not in charge of the politicians, as they should be.
The information isn’t ridiculous because some people can’t or aren’t able to do it.
If her research is evidence-based, then it’s information. Period.
What you can or can’t do with the information isn’t the research’s fault.
It also isn’t her or the research’s responsibility to solve problems for you.
She’s sharing information. What you do with it or don’t do with it is up to you.
@@purpleflows5680 I didn't say the information is ridiculous. The video doesn't address the fact that what they are talking about is the goal. And what a beautiful goal. I'm lucky enough to be able to do this for my girls. But the fact is most people aren't able to. So what's the solution for them? What can they do for their children to minimise harm?
@@vdudya the video is a snippet from a full podcast episode. She also has a book people can read if they're seeking more support.
The video is information and you called the video ridiculous. I, personally, don't think that it's up to researchers to share solutions, as every community needs something different. Researchers share research that people can engage with as is useful to them.
Perhaps, consider, taking your questions to your community instead of labeling a snippet video ridiculous because it doesn't share answers to epically complicated problems in literally 8min.
Maybe there ought to be some responsibility with regards to content. This isn't the best clip to send out to mothers who are struggling. It just isn't. You think people take these decisions lightly?