Patton Oswalt on Grief
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- čas přidán 8. 09. 2024
- Patton Oswalt tells Neal Brennan his thoughts on the true crime industry, and the role his late wife Michelle McNamara played in changing it through 'I'll Be Gone in the Dark.' From the Blocks Podcast w/ Neal Brennan.
Full Episode: • Patton Oswalt | Blocks...
Watch Neal Brennan: Crazy Good on Netflix:
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Theme music by Electric Guest (unreleased).
#podcast #standup #comedy #truecrimecommunity
The best way I can describe grief to someone who's never experienced true grief: you don't know where to put the love. When someone you love dies, all of the love you had for them - that was meant for them - and that you gave to them each day - has nowhere to go anymore. It's suddenly trapped inside you. You can't give it to someone else, because it was a love created by the union of the two of you. You can't give it back to yourself. And you can't get rid of it. So you have nowhere to PUT that love. It's the most direct source of the pain - the physical and emotional pain of grief - that I've felt: not knowing where to put the love. And in those first days and weeks and months - and sometimes years, depending on the person in your life who's died - that love with nowhere to go, builds up in your body. It fills your heart and your stomach. Your limbs. The tips of your fingers. Your throat. Your nerve endings. You become a thing that's not YOU anymore; you become only your love for the person who is gone. And that's what makes the pain unendurable. It's not just being filled up with the love you had for them that's now trapped in you - it's that you're gone, too and have been replaced by your love for them. It is a goddamned miracle that any of us survives it - as somehow, in the course of time, our body slowly builds a new space within us to put the love for them - a mechanism begins to turn its gears to create a place for that love where it won't hurt us anymore; a merciful place where the love left for them becomes a source of love for something else - and it's in that way, that the person we love who is gone from us is not only never truly gone - but becomes love, itself and not merely the love for them. And once that happens - that is where we find peace in the memory of who they were - and where we learn to live again - and laugh again.
Powerful and beautiful. Thank you.
That’s perfect. That’s exactly what it’s like. Thank you.
Very hearty, worth reading
WOW. I have never seen it put this way. Powerful stuff, and thank you for sharing
Nailed it. Well written, great insight, and helpful. Thank you.
I still live with the grief of my wife’s sudden passing. Terror is an apt word for it. It is beyond awful. The feeling of emptiness is so powerful. Gallows humor helped me cope for a time.
18 years have passed and the grief still strangles me some days
I’m so sorry. I hope you find joy wherever you can.
Grief is horrific. My boyfriend was murdered in 2014 and the grief I felt the first 2 years was just too much. You never get over it, you just learn accept it. Those were very dark times.
God that's HORRIBLE. I sincerely hope you have all the love, friends, family, pets and therapy you need to survive this.
@@vcello6450 Thank you. I went to a grief counselor and intensive therapy for many years. I still see a psychologist once a week because therapy helps so much. I didn't have a lot of support from family or friends, but I had my little dog Angel so she was a huge comfort for me. She was with me through so many things.
OMG! I’m so sorry💔 My best friend was murdered in 2014 and like you said the first 2 years were soul crushing. It got to the point I thought I was going to die. No one knows grief until they are annihilated by it.😢
I met Patton in May 2023 at my graduate school ceremony at William & Mary. He graduated from there in 1991 and he was our keynote speaker that night. After the ceremony, I spent a few minutes with him talking about grief because the night my grandmother died in 2017, we were watching King of Queens together. I told him that he and Jerry Stiller made us laugh in her final hours and I'll never forget it. Patton shook my hand and said "I'm glad. I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my wife a few years ago and it still hurts." He then said, I hope that you continue to live in gratitude and fulfillment with those good memories of her." Patton Oswalt is the real deal and I'm proud to be alums with him.
I lost my "Best Person to be Mundane With" 24 years ago, so hard relate. Never found another one, sadly. I'm happy that Oswalt did. Edit: spelling
“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.
At other times it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want the others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to me.”
- C.S. Lewis
This isn’t a book he wrote. It’s selected entries from his personal journal after his own wife died. If you’ve lost someone, pick up a copy. It helped me a lot.
Thanks Neil and Patton confirming my bias that comedians are some of the most honest folks with the best insights into life.
OMG, Patton describing feeling nothing. Its been 4 years and im still there. I feel absolutely nothing - nothing brings joy, i dont enjoy my hobbies or old favorites. Im an empty vessel and im ok with just existing right now. Such a great interview, Neal!
I have gone through the same for many many years. I started reading about complicated grief and that helped.
4 years?? Fck. OUCH
5 years of anhedonia is my threshold, mostly closer to 3. It's happened several times now after traumatic, life altering events. Then the body and soul just comes back to life one day. It usually happens in summer.
I agree its a perfectly normal and acceptable way of processing grief and coping. It's OK to just exist for a while, it will pass when the time is right.
My mother did this when my father passed but never got over it. DO NOT let yourself become that. If you think things are bad now they are going to get much worse, but there are doors that you can open. This deep kind of saddness will effect more that just you, and it's not your fault.
“I found someone amazing to be mundane with…
You’re the best person to be mundane with.”
Nice.
I do not want this to detract anything from Patton and his grief and trauma.
But... I can't help but mention his very unique situation, because of his success, that he could just focus on Alice.
Many have to go back to work in a week, or less. Many have to go back to worrying about finances. Etc.
It's true that as a society we just suck at giving people what they need to greive. We need time. To greive and nothing else.
My thoughts too. Flying out family etc. Glad he was able to do that for his kid.
Yeah, but in fairness I don't think he was flexing. I think he was just narrating.
“A Grief Observed,” is fantastic. Did not expect Patton to reference it, very glad he did.
I love Patton Oswalt so much, I am such a fan first and foremost BUT this vulnerable and honest conversation made me love him more than ever!
He's married!
“Tell her in the sunshine.”
That really moved me. That poor baby. But also, poor Patton. I can’t imagine having the weight of knowing I’ll have to tell my kid something like that just sitting on me all night long. I bet that was agony.
Yeah, how do you even try to sleep knowing that's what you have to deliver in the morning?
@@andreww9513 He said in his 2017 special that he didn't sleep for at least 4 days after she died. He mentioned he felt like he was going to be hallucinating anytime.
That touched me as well. It stuck with me and I wasn’t sure why until my sister died u expectedly and we had to tell her 6 year daughter. That came to my mind and we told her in the sunshine ☀️
I lost my parents when I was 4, I had already been adopted by my biological aunt. I can still remember sitting on her bed when she told me my mom died. I can remember the way the room smelled, her bedspread, all of it. I don't remember being told my dad died, which was 9 months later but I remember being at his funeral.
@@guhrizzlybairerip to both of your parents.
Lost my guy almost 7 months ago (after 11 years together) and god having no one to be mundane with is the worst part
I refer to as him "my guy" too. 10 months for me. I am sorry 🫂🫂🫂
Ugh. I’m sorry you two
@@chrissmith3668 Thank you ♥️
What sucks is when you suddenly become a single mom of two kids and your income is cut 50%. Now you are not only in the grips of grief but you are also struggling to pay the bills and survive. I wish I could have harboured my kids, I wish we could have travelled. I had zero choice but to keep going as if nothing fucking happened. That’s real terror.
My dad died when I was 16. My mom then thought it was a good idea to go pursue her masters at a university that took her from home 3 days a week. All my siblings lived in another state 2000 miles away. Talk about terror then and trauma now.
This is the best explanation for the numbness that I’ve seen so far and something I’ve needed. I just lost a few people within a year and a half of each other and this helped the numbness I’ve felt make sense. Thank you
I think it's almost like a trauma response. Freezing.
I’m right in the middle of this rn.
Me too. Stay strong.
I'm so sorry you're there. It sucks. It suuuuuuuuuuuuuucks. It is anguish on a level I'd never known. It's bad for a long time. There's a lot of mud to wade through. The darkness will tell you there can never be light again. The darkness lies. It WILL get better. You can make it, you can feel joy once again, and you deserve to feel joy once again. Grab on to the happy memories when they come, and focus on that goodness. You will heal.
It's slow. It's painful. You'll heal.
I’m so sorry, sending you a big hug ❤
Remember. Be gentle with yourself.
Me too, it's a big club that no one wants to be in
Great description of what grieving a loved one is like
I lost my father when I was too young to even remember him. Death has been an unwelcome guest at my table basically my entire life. My mother's grief was messy and spilled over into our relationship and personal boundaries, but we have since finally come to a place of understanding, and I too remember the extended family on both sides stepping up to support us and be a presence in our lives, even if time and personalities have led to me drifting away from most of them. Seeing Patton struggling with his loss and trying to still be a good parent was incredibly sad but also heartening, because it was always clear from the outside that his heart was in the right place, no matter how lost he may have felt at the time. Seeing him find his mojo again is truly heartwarming. All the best to him and his family. 😊
Absolutely heartbreaking!!!!! Rest in Paradise Michelle
Amen for protecting your young daughter as you did.
I lost both my parents when I was little (4), I witnessed and experienced grief very differently but as I've gotten older (i'm in my 30's now) the grief changes and grows differently too. Seeing Patton talk about protecting Alice made me cry. My grandparents did the same to absorb the darkness for me. ❤❤❤❤ it never ends. But it's true that I wished I saw my grandparents grief also.
Michelle was a fucking hero. Her book was getting wider acknowledgement, I listened to it twice in succession and it was really bringing to everyday conversation in my social world the need to expose and identify the Golden State Killer and these other long term, lingering serial killing mosters. became really loved Patton's comedy, too. When she died, I felt like the world lost an investigator we needed BADLY. I felt so bad for Patton. He had made me laugh in times where I thought I wasn't able to feel happiness. I am so glad he's making it through.
the worst part of losing people, is remembering. memories not only feel good, and bad, but also remind you that you are now the keeper of those memories.
Until you’ve experienced grief, you have no idea how profound the pain is. It’s indescribable - it’s incredible how it hurts your soul and your body. I truly felt like I was split in half, like I was half in shock and half depressed.
I've seen a lot of people give crap to this man online. He's one amongst so many celebrities who gets hate. People often forget that they're human beings that go through a lot of dark times. They're just normal people like everyone else, but this celebrity status blinds people and they kind of see them as higher beings, which is weird af. I didn't believe in jealousy and envy before, because I don't personally feel hate for people based on those emotions, but it sure is a real thing.
Dude, the look and everything when you said, "But it's you're 9/11. I don't..." Not even a moment's hesitation. If more humans were like that with other people's pain, we might, I don't know, end wars. Good on you for everything that went into having a brain that has that reaction to him downplaying his grief.
When Patton said the whole family was flown out for his daughter Alice. I just lost it😭 I have a daughter. Still I know No one will replace Michelle for Alice. Billy Bob Thornton explained grief perfectly. I believe your one person before and another after🥺
Men often remarry quickly after their wife dies. Widows usually focus on their kids, jobs, hobbies etc. I observed this with my mom and her friends. My dad died of cancer and she took care of him when he was ill. She said she never wanted to do that again.
Thank you Patton for explaining how to grieve without putting yourself down. It really helps. Thank you my friend.
A Grief Observed. Brilliant & Heartbreaking,
Thank You! 🙏
This might sound grim but I was waiting for this...
I remember Pat stepped away from spotlight almost completely when his wife died and yet he still kept his composure.
I really admire his strength.
That was touching
You guys touched me
My father lost my mother when I was 18
Didn't handle it well at all
In and out of hospitals for depression Then a drug interaction killed him
Patton's a great guy and solid performer
Pleased that he made it out to a brighter day
Focusing on his daughter makes so much sense to me... he had lost control of everything around him, so he made his world really small, in the hopes that he could control at least that little piece.
I agree with the numbness stage of grief, it’s where I am now, after a year of pain and tears, which still happen I have more numbness now…..and trying to find little bits of joy somewhere. But it still hurts so much.
One of my friends was a little suspicious after Patton married so fast, but I told her how common it is. My sister in law got married about a year after my brother died and I asked my therapist about it, and she said it's very common. I forget the reason she gave - something about your stasis is being married and it's common to want to go back to that stasis. My heart goes out to Patton and his daughter and I'm over the moon he was able to find someone that makes him happy.
Thank you for reminding me of our common humanity. Lately the algorithm has me thinking we are different. Were not. ❤
Neal has resting terror face
😂
His stand up where he talks about this is one of the most moving moments on camera.
Thank you Neal and Patton for sharing this vulnerable story. It helps.
What a great dad
Thank you Patton. These are hard conversations and you helped us all by having it.
This interview kicked me right in the throat 😭
I feel for you, Patton. Lost my partner of 15 years and my friend of 40 years Christmas Day, 2017. Was her caregiver for those 15 years. Still kills me. That's life. Nothing lasts. To be human is to realize sooner or later, the world is going to break your heart. We always think we have more time. Peace.
What a beautiful man and father. Bless you, Patton.
The worst thing for me is realizing that everyone who has ever lived, if they lived long enough, went through the same kind of grief. How is that possible?
Wild, isn't it? A hundred billion people have experienced this.
His strength and resilience is admirable. What a fantastic father.
Patton is such a wonderful man and father, RIP Michelle
Grief is all the love that has no place to go.
Found comfort for your grief in the bed of your wife's best friend.
He makes me feel his grief . Poor guy
Since Patton mentioned C.S. Lewis, here is a quote from The Four Loves by said author. “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
Thank you for your honesty and eloquence! So much truth in your words!
Great talk. My wife died 2 years ago, ON our wedding anniversary. I'm still stuck in neutral...
I wish my dad could dissect himself like this after losing my mom after 40 years of marriage
Hate to say it, but the best depiction of grief I've ever seen is still _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_ S5E16. Beyond accurate.
Best description of grief I've ever heard still to this day is Elrond's prophecy for Arwen in LOTR: THE TWO TOWERS.
Having seen these before losing anybody special in my life, I can say that they were 100% correct.
I still feel like a husk to this day even many years after, which is why I never replaced them with new people or allowed myself to be happy since. As soon as I do that, I erase them and set myself up to go through it all again. No thanks!
Wait this is just the clip. I need to watch the whole damn thing.
We love you Patton 😢
This clip is a great mental health resource. Thank you.
Rick moranis levels of being struck back down into a domestic lifestyle after being a celebrity due to tragedy in the home
Patton is so great. I love his wisdom
To myself,I would refer to that time as "the horror", not like a feeling but like it's a thing with weight.
Neal, you're the best!
Thank you for this
I truly believe Michelle sent Meredith to Patton. Love has no limit. His love for Meredith doesn't diminish or erase his love for Michelle. It's beautiful that he found her.
Thank you
Fact is that someone that truly loves you would WANT you to be happy and move on.
Poor guy. I know that feeling.
Neal looks like he’s gonna see a Cenobite around every corner…. Like looking in the mirror.🤣🤣🤣
😂
❤❤❤
Neal is turning into peter pettegrew
what a lucky girl
Maybe he felt something like every single person in the world just plain disappeared.
I remember the bit about taking all the pills. I remember.
Nine months?
Gut-wrenching
💖✨💖
❤
I lost the love of my life.. so I remarried 400+ days later…
Such a terrible thing, but Patton did some beautiful things for his daughter.
😭😭😭🥲
Sean Payton has not aged well.
lol he killed his wife
Lol that’s just a rumor
I absolutely disagree with and cannot support a number of things with Patton Oswalt, but I cannot deny the heart and wisdom he shared. It was moving and great to hear. I wish him all the best 🙏🥲
❤❤❤❤