Stop Over-Explaining Yourself.
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- čas přidán 21. 07. 2024
- More often than not when someone asks us a question, instead of a simple and to the point answer we over-explain ourself. As we over-explain we are more apt to be manipulated by those who want to manipulate us. When we over-explain we loose dignity and we take away from our self-esteem and self-respect because we aren't being honest about our feelings. When we care about ourself and want to do what's right by us, we aren't trying to make everyone happy and make ourself miserable in the process. Instead we step up and are honest about our feelings, needs, wants, and where we will spend our time and what we will spend our time doing.
This video offers valuable information to anyone who is caring, loving, sensitive, and an empath, because if you are, you may fall into the trap of over-explaining yourself because of your love for people and your desire to be understood.
Stand up for who you are, what you believe in, and where and with whom you spend your time. - Zábava
"Don't complain, never explain."
Queen Elizabeth said that not you.
I over-explained all the time, and the people I was surrounding myself made me feel crazy, always going in circles trying to prove myself. I also felt stupid afterwards and more vulnerable. It took me til I was 29 to figure out just to not explain/defend myself. And I now notice a difference in how people treat me, and I don't give any manipulative people the time of day anymore👋
I try to prove myself all the time. Shouldn't have too.
I 42 and just now figuring this out! Better late than never 🙂
Thank you for your comment Neena. Working to not be around and not be controlled by manipulative people is super powerful.
You were probably surrounded by narcissists
I can’t believe the stress I brought upon myself by doing this. I’ve finally learned to keep my trap shut beyond the first sentence or two and OMG, how easier my life has become. My self esteem has greatly improved also👍
I feel you!!!
Am gonna try this going forward
This is awesome Michelle! How are you doing?
Having no voice as a child, as adult trying to find my voice, ended up over explaining, because of pain and fear, causing the very thing, I'm trying to avoid. Thanks for opening my eyes.
Yes indeed
Figured this out in my 30s/40s. I was trying to make someone understand... who doesn't want to.
It winds up making you look desperate (and 'triggered') which is just the emotional 'hit' the narcissist was looking for. He then walks away pleased with himself (what you must prevent).
@@TheSimonScowl bru same i fcking hate manipulators
Exactly!! Took me too long to realize that it’s not that my bf was misunderstanding me… it’s that he didn’t WANT to understand… he wasn’t even listening to my “evidence.” He was just enjoying watching me flounder. I wisened up and got rid of him. Never again will I let anyone do that to me
I cannot be happier that I just found this video. I was completely unaware that this is my problem. Not only that, I went into the bank halfway through this and explained to the teller why I went in instead of the drive thru? Why in the world did I do that!? She didn’t need to know that. It was completely useless information. Maybe I need to go back to English class where it gets hammered that being concise is the best writing technique and use that as an application for communication.
My parents were integrators. I always felt I was in the wrong for doing anything. I noticed that I have been explaining myself into oblivion. This little video has made me more aware of what I am doing. I have been working on learning how to communicate better. I didn't realize that I had no communication skills. Getting better, one day at a time.
Wow, I can relate. It makes you question everything. Suspicious ppl will cause you to questions every move you make and being raised like that definitely messed with my head. I always feel need to "reassure" people I am not up to no good. If that makes sense at all. I pray you to receive healing in this area Sharon. xoxo
I can relate to both of you beautiful souls. May we all find the peace & healing we deserve 🙏🏻 ✨️ ❤️
Great to hear from you Sharon. How are you doing?
@@LifecoachAshleyBerges actually I am recovering slow but sure. It has been a long journey but I am in until the wheels fall off. I have been so happy the last 2 months, I sometimes pinch myself. I keep fearing that will go away . Thanks so much for your time and help. I am sure there are others that will agree.
@@sarai2sarah734 I can so relate with what you said... that you always feel the need to reassure pple that you're not up to no good. I wrote that down for some reason cuz I do it as well
I'm so guilty of this...and true enough, I'm inviting more judgements by overexplaining myself.
Insightful!
Great points Ashley. People just looking to make you wrong so ‘explaining’ to those who don’t wanna hear my truth is pointless.
Good post - thanks!!
Thank you for reaching out Dave!
so true, i love how she puts it into words things that make so much sense but we never really think about..
Holy crap you explain the most complex, nuanced subjects so clearly and effectively. I don't have enough like buttons for this video lol
Thank you for reaching out Laila. I appreciate you and your feedback. Let me know if there's something I haven't discussed that you think would like me to. Have a great day!
I moved away from my hometown and whenever I come home to visit friends and family, I always feel like I owe them a big explanation of every little thing and event that has happened to me since then. At the end of the night, I left feeling drained and that I told them more than I needed to. I can't stand this.
Why do you feel the need to over-explain? Do you feel you are needing to prove to them something? Do you feel you are the person carrying the conversation? Did you have to this when you were growing up with your family Ryan? Thank you for reaching out.
@@LifecoachAshleyBerges I have no idea. I think it's my own doing for sure and that it had something to do when I was growing up as well. I feel like if I don't tell them anything that I'm withholding things from them and will come off as rude. I wish I was better at just not having to explain anything at all. I moved away 3 years ago so I could just live without sharing everything and have some privacy.
I'm so fck up, I overexplain myself to scare people away..
I've been told in arguments that I overexplain myself and never understood what they meant, because I just wanted for them to understand/believe me when they didn't. But this video cleared up a lot to me, thank you!
Thank you, Ashley. You don't have an idea how much you have already helped me to understand all the toxic interactions, that already happened in my life. And to slowly re-gain my self-esteem and self-confidence. I love knowing, that its up to me to change the things, so I don't need to feel like a marionette and a helpless victim. It's up to me - great feeling.
Thanks so much!
You are so welcome, thank you for reaching out Wica Karo! :)
I over explain myself CONSTANTLY. I decided to watch this video after I over explained why I don't want to over explain anymore.
This is great advice! I'm in my late 30s and for many years I always felt the compulsion to over-explain my position on anything. I've been learning it definitely stems from a fear of being judged and misunderstood, but it's been really empowering to let go of that fear and let myself be judged. I can't make everyone happy or make them like me, so I'm better off either way just being my authentic self and speaking my truth!
I totally agree with Ashley, and I'm not going to explain why. But she really does speak like Carrie Fisher, which I like (I won't explain that either).
I like it too
Thank you for addressing this subject Ashley!! I seriously hate it when like my bf interagates me on like nonsense and I feel victimized due to his mistrust and I explain myself over and over again... you're 200% right!! ENOUGH!! So needed to hear this.
I dont think this is the kind of overexplaining she's talking about,
How are you doing?
@7lamb @@TriStarIII It's exactly the kind of over-explaining she's talking about. @7lamb my bf interrogated me too (I finally left him), but he questioned everything, I over-explained, then he'd circle back as if I said nothing. It was manipulative and exactly what the video talks about (so I'm not sure what the other commenter was devaluing you for). You were spot on. I hope you've been able to get better at not over-explaining... I'm working on it
@@michigan1085 That‘s probably because a lot of women talk endlessly without saying anything, you ask them where they were last night and they’ll run you through their entire day and how they felt and bla bla before answering the question, almost always comes off as evasive and a deflection tactic
@@TriStarIIIyou’re right… a lot of women do do that and it’s annoying af but my ex bf would accuse me of things I didn’t do, then I’d defend myself like crazy because this is the guy I loved and wanted him to know I was innocent. Then HE’D continue asking questions, continue accusing me. That’s when I should have told him to fck off… but instead, my dumbass kept providing evidence that I didn’t do anything. Then he’d say things like “I don’t believe you,” while having no evidence. This is where over-explaining is wrong. I kept answering his questions. Looking back on it, I’m so ashamed I let him devalue me so much
Wow, thank you Ashley... this video really helped me! My bf interrogated me about everything (I finally dumped him!), but my biggest regrets are the times I let him devalue me by over-explaining myself. He would eventually just circle back to his original accusation as if he heard nothing I said. It was so frustrating
Thank you. This was fantastic. I’ve been over explaining and justifying myself for my entire life. And I’m finally starting to notice when I do it and cut down on my words. Or ask myself whether I need to justify myself to this person. It’s done wonders for loving myself.
Thank you for reaching out to me Ross. Keep up the good work!
Twenty years ago when I first got divorced, I used to do this. I was in and out of dating agencies to get a male companion. One "friend" used to ask me what did I want a man for? As if I wasn't worthy of one"? And I used to do this, but eventually, I got sick of explaining myself over, and over. Eventually, I just said, "Well, what do YOU want a man for?" If you can answer that, you have answered your own question.
Thanks I'm a sophmore right now and I tend to over explain alot to friends and people. I realize now why I do this and you helped me change. Thank you!
Very well spoken.
Greetings from The Netherlands!
( something completely different: you have a great voice. Nice to listen too )
I agree about her voice :)
Thank you Cat! And thank you for the beatiful compliment, you are awesome!
Thank you Steven!
Me too! Authoritative & calming. Yup. It's why I first watched.
Thank you Ashley for this truth , wish i knew this YEARS ago . very helpful , moving forward .
I totally agree,and yes I have done that. I realized one day it was frustrating to me, it made me feel uneducated
Well in my humble opinion, of course without offending anyone who thinks differently from my point of view, but also looking at this matter in a different way and without wanting to fight, and by trying to make it clear, and further by considering each and everyone's opinion, I honestly believe that I completely forgot what I was going to say. Thank you for your patience.
😀
Exactly 😆
Thank you for this video! This is a childhood issue that I am working on as an adult. Thank you
I overexplained myself almost all my life. It was a demand from my family and mentality of the place I grew up - that females always talk and explain themselves for no reason at all (for fear of the punisment from a male? Probably.). Over the past few years I stopped. THAT left a huge questionmark on other peoples' faces. That was the point of a BORDERLINE for me and it worked GREAT!
My goodness--Terrific!!! Thank you!
It’s something that I do out loud to other people but just as important is the self talk dialogue. The times when you have an imaginary conversation with someone in your mind. The thoughts that come into my mind are from the beliefs of the past. As a child to survive I could not be spontaneous so explained what I was doing all the time.
This generalised across many area, teaching being one. For me personally repressed anger and trauma is a key to changing this pattern. It’s still a useful skill but in the right area.
Also people pleasers are drawn towards narcissistic types who we “listen to” like lemons as they suck our energy out of us.
Yes! 100% totally agree!
Great advice Ashley..I love your videos....I am reminded of what an acquaintance told me years ago.... ( when you start explaining yourself to your adult children you're in trouble) this sure rings true for all connection in life I now realize. Thank you..
Thank you, Ashley, it's been about 3 days that I am watching your videos and I found them very useful. thank you!
Thank you Ashley for addressing this issue...I always over-explain stuff and end up feeling bad about it later
Before this video I even didn't realize I was doing it! I always over explaine myself because somewhere deep down I have the feeling i'm not good enough or worthy.. Looking back at my past I feel like a stranger and can't believe how much I let others push me around!
Thank u for your video's again because of your video's i am growing a backbone and it is life changing! Thank you again/ :-)
Just found this video because I really want to stop over explaining because it isn't helping me at all. I think I am helping by over explaining to give context of how or why I did what I did but it takes over the conversation and adds more frustration. Today was last time I over explained myself. This video hit the nail on the head how I feel. It's like a major lightbulb and mind explosion went off to lead me to wanting help. Thank you for this video.
Thank you! 🌸
Great advice and fantastic timing for me!!! Thank you so much!!!
I do this all the time! And have recently realized it. I am trying to stop. Your video highlights just how I feel everytime I do it. I can't wait to have this habit beaten
Thank you very much, through your creative thinking you have made me realize that this is something that I do, being lefted with feeling like a fool , and not being heard ,thank you
Some manipulators will respond to a short answer along the lines of the person giving the answer doesn't really care to participate in a conversation or that you are hiding something. But then, when you give a longer answer, it's taken as if you are trying to talk your way out of a lie
This. For years I get it from my parents. One just cannot win here...
This was so on point, thank you! I always over explain myself and feel bad about it after. Your tips helped alot
Thank you so much for this video. I have this problem... and you described it so good
I do it all the time and never knew why till now thank you please keep up the info you have given me a little more peace in my head and I hope if I find all the pieces and become whole and at peace at last
I have a friend that always over explains every decision she makes and it’s really annoying coz I don’t need paragraph after paragraph explaining why you did what you did & it’s honestly led to resentment because talking to her just feels like a chore now where she’s looking for approval for everything she does. It’s clear hers comes from a place of insecurity & a fear of negative judgement when she knows I don’t judge but we do have different opinions and that’s not a bad thing, I just wish she’d see that coz now our conversations are like repetitive and boring.
Have you mentioned this to her? Perhaps she learned this from a family member or has been taught to do this out of necessity. Perhaps bringing it up to her in a positive way may help her to realize where this began. Thank you for your comment, very insightful.
I absolutely adore your videos! I learned so much!
This is very helpful, I didn't think this is what I needed to hear. Thanks
Beautiful. Wise. Thank you
I really enjoyed this video, shifted my perspective a little bit. Thank you for putting this out here!
This is super solid advice!
Lately, I’ve been doing this and trying to be aware of my responses when people ask questions. I keep it brief. Even when I get texts from people (except my boyfriend because we always have fun conversations through text lol) I keep the message short and to the point and it avoids having a topic I have no care for being dragged on for decades lol.
Some of my friends are chronic complainers and I’m their sound board when the most trivial shit is going on and they have to complain to me about drama that they need to handle in their adults lives. I hate going over the same thing constantly, so when they text the same bullshit drama I tell them directly how I feel and say no more. It stops them dead in their tracks and they don’t respond. Thank god
That is awesome and inspiring to hear as a recovering over-explainer myself lol
Candy, great to hear from you! How are you doing?
Thanks for doing the videos. They are helping me soooooo much.
I just had an argument with my roommate about that. I got angry because she always overexpplain stuffs. Now I got it why.
Thank you so much Ashley.
Thank you a lot! I feel a lot more courageous now. I wanna live by this advice.
Thanks and I wish I had seen or heard this DECADES ago! Thanks!
Ashley is the absolutely awesome, I really like her explanations .
I know all of this, solely came to see other smart people. Good, this is the first thing I came across, My needs are satisfied
U got the point right. I realized that i over explaining myself to a person that don't want to understand my point of view. It's totally waste of effort begging for understanding.
I adore you Ashy! Your amazing! I love your videos they have helped me soooo much 🥰❤️😃
Oops! Ashly! 🥰
I couldn't agree more! I'm an ESL teacher and I have a few students that struggle immensely with over-explaining. I couldn't quite put my finger on where this would be coming from, but this makes perfect sense. I will be sharing this video with them and a few friends. Thank you!
Thank you Anandrea, great to hear from you.
Super helpful. Thank you 😊🙏🏾
I've had situations where over explaining made things worse for people I care about and adore and myself as well, even if it may be the truth, there is a time to say those things and a way to say them as well as to the appropriate people it's supposed to be directed to.
Venting does more damage than good as well if it's not to a trusted party like family.
The best course of action is to wait for the right time to explain to the right people while you are in the right state of mind, when everything is calm.
It also depends if the other party is open to listening to you and if they are in the right state of mind to do so. At times words fly from every corner because everyone is involved and you take on everyone's opinion without listening to the very people the situation is involving. It invokes alot of resentment that doesn't even need to be there to begin with. It's very frustrating, but with the right communication it alleviates alot of heavy emotions for everyone.
And sometimes the damage may be so intense that there's no possible way to rectify things, either you'll be met with intense hostility or ignored if you approach your loved one.
But I believe time does it's thing and once all the smoke and debris clears THEN it'll be the right time to explain things and remove all resentment and all misunderstanding.
Great topic and I over-explained today which is why I was trying to find some tips to help.vThank you. I'm going to listen again
Great to hear from you! We get into the practice of over-explaining and it is tough to put an end to it. We also need to be aware of the relationships that "force" us into over-explaining or we feel we have to. Hope you are doing well!
Thank you. Lovely blouse.
Excellent!
Suscribed , liked and thick , be prepared world !!!
Thank you for your videos. This comment is specific to online. It may not be such a good strategy, but I have found online, when things go awry with some people, it's best not to get involved in any dramas and misunderstandings. I also try not to concern myself with what people think of me, because I've found any attempt at explaining anything online, or getting involved in any way with other people's issues online, usually ends up going pear shaped. Maybe that's just bad luck on my part but that's my experience. I used to always avail myself to people online, be an ear etc, but I've found there is so much messiness and willful misunderstanding taking place, that I just tend to avoid anything of any depth now on social media. Of course if someone is suicidal or having a real life drama I will involve myself at the time if I think I can be supportive. But overall, I'm saddened about my experiences with some people online. I think though just being more of an observer and not getting involved, has possibly saved me a lot of time and anxiety.
Ashley are you able to do a video about online friendships/ relationships and why they often seem to be fraught with misunderstandings and drama?
Excellent comment and insights !
My therapist recommended me watch this video to include a few others that you posted for homework. This was simplified, to the point, and very helpful. Thank you. Liked and subscribed.
Thank you for reaching out. Glad your therapist recommended my content. Appreciate that you liked and subscribed. Let us know if you'd like to see certain types of content. Also hoping you're doing well and having a productive week!
Thanks for such great help
amazing. what i needed to hear.
and damn you have presence!
when you talk, i listen lol
arigato very much
This very much explains really well the reason for why I stepped away from a 2.5 year relationship. I wrote in their Valentine’s Day love letter “I love you more and more each day” but I was asked to explain what I meant by that because I do less and less...totally walked away from that nonesense....
Good for you! You would have been walking on eggshells your entire relationship. I was in one like that too. I explained myself too many times (when I should have said “fck you” if you don’t believe me) then I finally wisened up and walked. Took me too long tho
I love the way you talking..
This was incredibly helpful, thank you!
Glad it was helpful Danielle :)
Thanks 😊
Good to hear from you! How are you doing? You are most welcome.
Ashley: Overexplaining used by manipulators against me. Failure to recognize a manipulator adds to problem.
Great advice
this is like the best. this chick is good. i like the way she puts things to ya.
Whew! 🤯 Good stuff!!!
Thank you! Great to hear from you.
Very good explanation
I've done this but found people's eyes gloss over and they tune out. You can tell when people are disinterested and disconnect. It made me feel insignificant, that they don't care and can't be bothered to connect. I don't waste my time or energy anymore, but pull back instead. I don't feel the need to overshare with anybody and it feels good to be self assured and confident within myself. I value myself and that matters most. I don't need other people's validation, I know my own opinion holds weight. Silence is Golden ✌😎
All the time. Need to stop and I will with practice.
Great video
Amazing video! Thank you for sharing Ashley ;)
Thank you for reaching out John! :)
Glad you found my content and it connects with you!
@@LifecoachAshleyBerges and you are also amazing Ashley. The Spotify podcast is a must on my commute to work 😉
I really love the voice.
I struggle with over explaining. I pretty sure it stems from a relationship with a woman I think fits the bpd description.
Crazy me too
Yep this will happen, I found myself over-explaining like crazy when I was with my BPD ex-girlfriend.
Watch Ashleys video here: czcams.com/video/u5Fe1ea9BNs/video.html
That was the video that made me realize that being with a borderline, if you're not careful, can make you co-dependent and that's exactly what happened to me and maybe you.
Over-explaining is part of being co-dependent as Ashley explains in that video
I agree that over-explaining a situation tends to add fuel to the fire when dealing with folks that aim to use your own words against you. Tantamount to being interrogated by unscrupulous police officers.
However, telling the absolute truth or "keeping it real" can have negative consequence for the over-explainer. For example, a manipulative bureaucrat or investigator who attempts to find ways to disqualify you for certain benefits, a job promotion or opportunity, etc. Recently, I was setup to over-explain a situation in order to be judged unworthy of a particular opportunity and I decided the best response to the matter was to "K.I.S.S." it. And most of y'all know what that acronym stands for, right? IOW, I kept my response brief and focused on the overarching criteria of the situation; thus, making the manipulator work extra hard to disqualify me.
You just over explained yourself
A couple of days ago I did this. Much like you I felt manipulated, stupid & caught off guard. So time to put in the work.
Over explaining devalues us. Some people push us to do it and those people are controlling as well. Good to hear from you- let me know how you are doing.
@@LifecoachAshleyBerges yes they are controlling. I was asked a question about my car repair 😒 another question & I quickly realized this is about what I can do for you in this moment. I'm hanging up my cape 🦸🏽♀️ respectfully. I will love those who are capable of loving.
@@zionsgirl6456 Loving those capable of loving is wise. Due to our childhood programs it may be challenging to realize who/whom are willing and able to unconditionally love back!
@@LifecoachAshleyBerges absolutely and thank you 😊
i love your voice! Your wonderful and beautiful❤ Jesus love you❤❤❤
I wish I had this knowledge yeeeeaarrrrsss ago. Better to know now than never.
Good to hear from you! When we stop over explaining it changes a lot in our lives and it changes the people we surround ourselves with. How are you doing?
@@LifecoachAshleyBerges Doing well in my journey. I’m glad I stumbled across your channel.
Great discussion. Hope I can work on it
Great to hear from you. I bet you can work on it!
Over Explaining oneself gave power away and further questions were asked
Wow yessssss
This is a very good video, and it makes me wonder: how can I tell when I’m over-explaining?
Dear sister Deb, please please pray for me that Jesus would give me victory in this area. God revealed to me three years ago that I was scapegoat in my family and no wonder all my life I have been surrounded by narcs! I am still a magnet and need that to change. I can detect them now pretty much right away - thank God for that. I just started a new job and my boss and co-worker both are narcs. Please pray I can stand firm with them both. Thank-you. Was so blessed to see/read your comment. God bless you!
Im so used to getting questioned when i have a short answer. What do u do if u try to not overexplain then u are proud and u get "why not?" Or "why?" ? So i always do it to get Ahead of the why's and why not's and if I just say enough the other part gives up straight away and instead of questioning you u get "okay". 😄
this guy knows what he is talking about.
I don’t want to. It’s the people around me forcing me to in some form.
I got to remind myself. How we feel is not good enough. Yea.
How are you doing?
👍
Great to hear from you!
this sucks when it’s your boss. and is almost a “they don’t want to understand [they want you to just acquiesce]”
happens to me when im seeking job and i have to reply to HR messages to say im not interested, when im explaining why im not interested it becomes very awkward
i was explaining the lady