Is My Parent A Narcissist?
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- čas přidán 3. 08. 2024
- Kati, can you talk about Narcissistic abusive parents and how to cope. (I believe I found this question below my 3 types of narcissists video). Before we get into to how to best cope, there are a few things I want to discuss first. Number one, when we grow up with a narcissistic parent what we struggle with most is emotional neglect. This happens most commonly when a parent is a narcissist because they always put their own needs ahead of their child’s. Remember Narcissism is when we demonstrate a pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and have a lack of empathy. So having a child isn’t something we can emotionally do (or at least not healthfully). And if we need a lot of admiration and have to feel important, being a parent to a baby and child couldn’t be farther from that. If we grew up with a parent who was narcissistic, this could mean that they weren’t able to do anything more than keep us alive. Forget the cuddles, patience when we were upset, or even them trying to figure out what was causing us to cry. If a narcissistic parent became embarrassed by their child, they could lash out at their child or even their spouse. Therefore, this could mean that as a child you were possibly emotionally or physically abused or at least neglected in many ways....
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I really appreciate how you say “we” instead of “they” or “you” in your videos. It just feels more inclusive like it’s not just me.
I know right! I feel the same way
Awe I am so glad :) xoxo
Madisyn Carter This sort of comment is in about every video
That’s what a good therapist does :)
only if you really mean it, it might be a trick to get us
I didn’t know that there was a word to describe the way my mother raised me
@@katrinas8345 wow same here. My ex was a narcissistic alcoholic and I only then realized how much his manipulative ways resemble my mother's behavior. I cut both off now and Im happy.
Same..
Me neither
😢
I have a narcissistic mother who is very emotionally abusive, and I experienced a lot of emotional incest and manipulation growing up. The biggest tip I have for someone who is going through something similar is BOUNDARIES, BOUNDARIES, BOUNDARIES. You have every right to protect yourself. You might be feeling guilty and obligated to be their therapist, but that is NOT your job. It’s THEIR job to find an appropriate outlet for their issues. If they don’t respect a boundary, cut off contact. In my experience, if you give them an inch, they’ll take a mile, and try to bulldoze any and all boundaries you set to protect yourself. I haven’t spoken to my mother in 4 years because she is incapable of respecting my boundaries and stop the emotional incest. I had to become my own mental health security guard, and even though it sucks sometimes, I feel much safer now. I didn’t realize how incredibly unsafe I felt around her at all times until I cut off contact with her.
I know what that's like. Haven't spoken to my dad in 2.5 years and counting. Playing the therapist.... Ugh.... He wrecked my home and heart.
I haven’t met my mom for 3 years
👏 👏 👏
Thank you for sharing... and you are SO right. I am sorry you have had to go through all of that though xoxo
Ty for sharing this. My boyfriend has had to cut his mother off, too. When you said, giving an inch for them to take the whole thing, and them bulldozing is exactly what happened to him and his boundaries. He is now 2yrs without speaking to his mother. Now she calls the police monthly for welfare checks on him and the police are tired of it. She always calls in hysteria acting like this is a new situation, him gone and radio silence on her. Anyway! I can’t wait to share this with him, to feel some encouragement and further proof he shouldn’t feel guilty on him protecting himself. Sorry for your unfortunate family dynamic, but happy you are strong and working on a healthier today, for you!!! Thanks for sharing 💙
"is my parent a narcissist ?"
yes
no further questions
That question isn't the core issue and an answer to it wouldn't likely be of value to somebody and might even do more damage than good. If you have a toxic parent, the advice pretty much stays the same, no matter if it's narcissism or something else. I think the answer is the best possible one to give without offering anything that might be damaging.
dayana well my father is a narcissist to no question on that
👏
@@Angelharts5ds Thanks. Was going to say, "Are my parents both narcissists?" "Yes."
my god, i still remember how we have to slap a child when he/she cried in public to silenced him.
Katy saying "welcome!" is the cutest thing in the world
I agree! Lights up my day!
True that
I love it!
And now my Mom watches her too and also loooves it. She says it's the "hook" of the intro.
Get away and remember you don’t need to earn their approval. You’ll never get it.
Yes that's a great tip.
If you're stuck with a toxic or narcissistic mother during family gatherings or holidays, bring a plus one. Your partner, maybe your best friend. I have the feeling that especially mothers are really keen on keeping the appearance of a kind and loving mother when others are watching.
Oh man what if I don’t have one !
Yep! Putting on a show 20/20 hindsight when you don't march EXACTLY the way they want-- so that they can look like a 'victim" when they need that dose of NEGATIVE supply
My dad seems to feel the need to always remind me that everything he does is for me. It is usually out of no where and for things that have nothing to do with me. I don’t know why he does it but it often makes me feel guilty
My narcissistic dad does exactly the same! Whenever he gives me money he says : „ You are going to pay it back one day“
And pls remember : don’t feel guilty! It’s him who wanted a kid so he has to take care of it.
He's trying to fuck with your emotions to make you feel guilty, at this point he is trying to use you into becoming into his soulless, emotionless puppet. Do not let him win! Don't buy any of his sob stories ether, he is the provider and should be looking out for you, not the other way around since you're still growing and do need guidance in your life. Your dad sounds like a piece of shit. At that point you need to plain ahead, getting a few bit of cash and get the fuck out of there ASAP after you're old enough and stable to move out. And again, No contact!
Same here.... All my childhood i never remember my father asked me what i wanted to eat or craved, so he got random stuff to the house (i bet they were his favorite) and then kept telling me and siblings to come and eat... When we like those things then no problem, but if we don't or refused to eat, he would lash on us saying we have no respect for food and that we are ungrateful for God's gift.... Soo sad really... Like you said... I never asked for those kind of food for example, so why would i be punished for it... And secondly, why didn't ask me once for what i liked
Both of my parents are narcissists. For my well being I went no contact. There is such a stigma around estrangement. Most people see my parents as the victims because they play that role. Thank you for talking about this! It’s really validating. ❤️
I have been widowed for 8 years).
I went no contact 3 years ago after I was attacked by both parents for no reason. I am now considering NOT inviting them to my second wedding for fear they will cause me extreme anxiety.
Same boat. Best wishes to you
Best Review Systems you won’t regret not inviting them. The best thing I learned was that the best thing in my life was freedom from narcissistic abuse
Yeah that's awful! :( I'm planning to move out after the quarantine ends entirely and they already brainwash me how dumb and mindless are people who abandon parents
This video is so specific and so accurate for my situation omg
You are definitely not alone. Totally Cried in public while listening to Kati. Hard to stop reliving even after escaping 8 years ago. 😞
I am so sorry!! But I hope some of the ways to heal from it are helpful for you :) xoox
Mine too.
I want to wish anyone with n parents love, hope, healing, joy, and peace. You can do it and you are WORTHY. I love you. One thing at a time. One thing at a time.
Hey, this is really weird but I feel like saying it.
I am a big fan of BTS. And I really like this guy called Jungkook, and the reason why I like this group so much is because BTS is like a family, and Jungkook is like their baby (he was only 15 when they debuted). It's amazing how much he's loved, and I understand why. I realized I kinda feed on that, and then I was like ''if Jungkook can be loved that way, I can be loved that way?''. I was doing a projection the whole time. If he is sad or something happens he gets conforted, I deserve to be conforted too! Jungkook wouldn't be a burden to ask for confort. They are so close and it's really nice to see the way they treat each others, they had to basically live together. Anyway this is embarassing
thank you
Thank you
:) thank you
❤️❤️❤️❤️
Are you stalking me Kati? 😂🤣I swear I googled this 12 hours ago. Thank you... right on time!
awakeafter12 so did I like two days ago and check if she had a video on this topic lol😮
Jamie Ashley and so did I 😅😂
hahah!! I am glad this came at a good time, and I hope you found it helpful :) xoxo
awakeafter12 Google owns CZcams. Go Kati! :)
Ive never said Yes internally so loud in my life
Looks like I gotta leave my parents. I really think both of them are narcissists, but my mom is WAY more narcissistic than my dad. They are manipulative and have guilt tripped me multiple times. I am also being mentally abused. I can never tell them about me bcos they're never emotionally there and like I've been distant. I hope if I do have children, I don't become a narcissist or anything bad bcos I want my children to have the greatest time of their lives and I want to be a good parent💕
Athirah Auji you can do it. It was the best thing I ever did
This. This video hit so close to home. I literally sat here and cried. I felt SO VALIDATED watching this. I’m 23 years old, and my mother STILL treats me as if I’m a child. I’m insignificant to her, and I’m a pawn to her. I longed for a mother who cared for so so long in my life, but I had to learn that my mother isn’t capable to express love. She’s skillfully built a wall around her and her life. We are all playing a role in her movie where she’s the star. I had to come to terms with the fact that my mother might love me, but in some weird way. Kati, you are incredible and thank you so much for making this video. You have no idea how many people this could help.
Can you imaging going through your whole life as a fully grown adult, got your own house, got married, never asking for any financial help from your mother until you lost your home in an acromonious divorce case then to be treated as a 12 Yr old because you had to move back in with your Narcissist Mother then to be locked out when you simply didn't comply with her demands🤯
To everyone going through this, I promise it gets better. You will come out stronger than you thought you ever could. I’m rooting for you 💕
I grew up with a narcissistic father, and as I've entered my adult life in college things have become increasingly difficult. I'm constantly second guessing my abilities and talents as a student and the constant anxiety I'm going to fail hasn't gone away. The best advice I can give is to get out of the toxic relationship, seek out therapy, and learn to love and accept yourself. I've learned to cope by understanding I am the only one limiting myself and that my father no longer has a hold on my emotional well being. It is a long and difficult process but so worth it
Kati has a great playlist about managing school stress! Hope this helps!! czcams.com/play/PL_loxoCVsWqyPxpJVf1z2p780iVufYz8h.html
I used to get spanked everytime I hurt myself to learn not to hurt myself. Great parenting skillz huh
I'm moving away and cutting contact in a couple months.
I wish you all the best. xoxo and I hope you can find a therapist to support you during that time! xoxo
@@Katimorton Thank you! I've actually been going to therapy consistently since last year.
wish i wasn’t underage or i would do the same 😞
@@leahjoy6367 if you wait it will happen go live with with a guy who isn't controlling
I wanna go move in with my dad but my mom forces me to stay
Sadly 🔥we can’t decide who are parents are.
Isn't that the truth....
Nope. We can only learn to live with them. My dad's ex-wife is a narcissist and a master manipulator. My half brothers (her biological children) have had to kick her to the curb because she was too controlling, and we've had to kick her out of family gatherings because all she does is manipulate use people to get what she wants. The worst part is that she is so good at her craft that you don't even realize she's doing it. She does small talk to make you feel at ease before she subtly presses your buttons to make you do what she wants. She has even manipulated top psychologists into believing that nothing was wrong with her, and that it was everyone else.
Our*
I wish Katie was my mom 😢
I don't get that assurance; my religion teaches that we in fact DID choose our parents, and we knew one another before we were born and even made covenants with one another to continue our relationships as parents and children on this mortal journey. What I get is that I must have been a heck of a trooper there to be sent to parents in America, in the 20th century, and near an urban environment so I'd eventually find the help I'd need to cope with the likely effects being their child, and a narcissist's stepdaughter, as well, would have on me. It works out.
Can you please do more videos on setting boundaries and attachments?
Of course!! Do you have a specific question you would like me to answer?? xoxo
@@Katimorton OMG thank you so much for replying!!! I think is someome with borderline personality disorder, i tend to not be able to draw a line between "it's okay, it's just one thing" and "this is a red flag no"...when do i stand up for myself and when do i realize it's just me over reacting???
Thank you so much for your videos ilyyy
Hi Katie! Can I jump in the question about boundaries?
My difficulty is with my sister who among other things has BPD and Frontal Lobe Synd. and she gets mad and over reacts every time we try to set boundaries. It gets really really hard to deal with, and her rants can last several days or weeks, it depends on what threw her off balance. Doctors have seen her and, maybe because she always goes in alone, they say there's nothing wrong and doesn't need medication, but I think she does.
So, How do I set boundaries and how can I/we get someone to respect those boundaries?
As far as advice... One thing that helped back in my late teens was realizing that it was okay to not love my parents. That I didn't have to feel guilty. They didn't give me love (or at least very little on my dad's part; he did try, I think) so I don't owe them shit. Not to say it isn't okay to still love your narcissistic parent(s), because that can be a difficult thing for some people, just that it, for me at least, really helped to separate myself from their treatment of me. If that makes sense? Like, if I don't love them and that's okay, then it doesn't hurt as much because I wasn't hurt by loved ones. It wasn't my "mom" or my "dad" doing that, because they never acted in a way to hold those titles or to deserve the sort of loyalty and associations that come with them. Rather, they were just the people who decided to make me (again, their decision, so they are not entitled to anything from me) and then kept me alive until adulthood. (Is that unhealthy? I can't be sure...)
And now I'm free to choose my real family, made of friends who actually love and support me. I don't see myself as having a mom at all, and only sorta having a dad and siblings (the family dynamic didn't exactly encourage close bonds there), and I did have to grieve over not having those things, but I do have a family. I am loveable to people I love; my parents' inability to do so has no reflection on me. And step by step, year by year, I put more and more distance between Them and Me, and create a life where I can be happy and content. For anyone reading this who can relate, I wish the same for you.
great advice. i think it's also helpful to understand that it doesn't have to be all or nothing. what i mean is that i do love my mom and believe that she loved/loves me (much more, actually) and that she did her best, and acknowledge that she was a good caregiver--i had/have everything i needed and more--but also acknowledge that she emotionally abused me and it wasn't ok. i don't forgive her but i try to move on. i still voluntarily talk to her and visit her (along with my awesome dad). she actually suggested we go to therapy together and i said no. i think that would just be another opportunity for her to make it all about her and criticize me and i'm done with that and i don't owe her that. i talk about it in therapy alone and she could do the same but she hasn't (that i know of) and i think that's telling. yeah, it's a weird place to be in but it's ok.
Watching this during Christmas break while my family gives me the silent treatment bc my mother has manipulated them into being angry with me for raising my voice just a tad while being annoyed at her passive aggresive behaviour.
Yay.
A friend who wishes to remain anonymous asked me to post this: I was utterly surprised to discover I had a narcissistic parent. This was because of stereotype: the narcissist is not necessarily domineering or cruel or cunning. Gaslighting is not necessarily deliberate: they have to distort reality to fit in their worldview, and they just drag you through the same twister. The narcissistic parent can be a hardworking provider and diligent housekeeper, and not abusive at all.
Tammy Hawk THAT IS SO TRUE .
@Elisa Castro I think it possibly meant that , the parent was on the Covert Narcissistic side..they are very insidious and pervasive so it's hard to realise what's actually going on . and on the Gaslighting point - the narcissist actually themselves believe they are right, they are good, kind that they can't ever hurt anyone ;they boast about their goodness etc..unlike sociopathic people who are aware of the harmful consequences of their actions ! so when they gaslight they solely believe that only their perception of reality is the truth ,Everyone else's point of view is wrong or doesn't matter! (possibly this is what she meant by "they have to distort reality to fit in their worldview, and they just drag you through the same twister" ).
Also It's not like they are not abusive at all ..It looks like from the outside that they are not abusive ! they portray themselves as amazing human being so nobody would ever think they can abuse someone they say they love! even the abused child would believe this themselves and keep wondering why they are never good enough why they feel damaged because everything in their life was perfect !
for eg- to everyone my mother is the epitome of perfect motherhood..Everyone knows "she loves me more than anything in the whole world ,sacrificed all her life for me" ..i believed it myself and have been beating myself up self-blaming self-sabotaging for every little thing..But recently i realised the real truth (all these projection & gaslighting).
and nobody would believe me if i say anything! Even the therapists didn't. They said "your mother has had a hard life ,take care of her" and i was like "that's what i've been doing since i was born " SMH
@Elisa Castro You grow up being taught that their way is the right way, and you do not understand anything different until told by a third party. For a young person, their parent is essentially their own god and they believe every bit of information. From my experience, my mother used to plunge herself into working 3 part time jobs so that she was constantly doing something of purpose for herself while being as emotionally distant and neglectful as possible. Once the narcissist knows that their target has realised the abuse, they will avoid all confrontation in order to keep their pride and power over the individual(s)
Tammy, please ignore Elisa Castro. The mere fact that your friend is afraid to post a CZcams comment calling their parent a narcissist speaks volumes. They are not alone. It's true, the stereotype does not always match the reality. My nmom also does not "consciously" gaslight: it's just second nature to her. And my nmom frequently asks me how I am and says she loves me. I've always been reluctant to call her behavior abusive. But I think if your friend pays close attention, they might notice the following things: 1) walking on eggshells/being afraid to be honest with their parent, 2) repressing their own wants and desires, 3) minimizing/discounting their own feelings or experiences, 4) being completely attuned to their parent's emotional state, 5) constantly feeling like they're letting their parent down or that they're a bad person, 6) feeling like they have no privacy. Those are off the top of my head, not an exhaustive list.
I totally agree with you Tammy, my mother worked many jobs to provide for me and my brothers, she looked like a normal, hardworking, housekeeper mother, but she was completely narcissistic. She used me in many ways to get approval and empathy from my father. It was all about her in a passive aggressive way. She never asked me how I was, how school went, what I felt about anything, what I wanted to do with my life after school, etc.
She was too busy, working and trying to please my father that she "forgot" there was a child needing emotional attention, guidance, tenderness, a word of encouragement, support etc.
I always say to myself I didn't have a mother or I had a child mother who was still needy of attention, approval and acceptance from the outside.
I'm mothering myself now, little by little, giving myself what I never received from this selfish narcissist mother.
I grew up with a narcissistic father and i have struggled with my mental health since a child. I have tried therapy to no avail, I struggle to voice feelings and speak about how I feel. Finding someone in the UK that specialises and recognises narcissism is difficult.
My mom has moved on and now runs a group for survivors of narcissistic relationships. My dad, he found a new supply and fled the country.
Hey everone! I'm speaking on a panel today and will only be able to jump into the comments / questions later tonight. xoxo K
Thank you for the upload :)
Thanks for taking the time to upload for us.
How do I tell whether my mom is borderline narcissist or a narcissist
#KatiFAQ - Hi Kati, I have been passionate about mental health for many years and lately I have been thinking about going back to school to become a LMFT. What are the steps you recommend taking / tips to make sure this is the right career for me and to prepare for it, pick the best school, etc. ? Thank you so much!
Good luck girl!
Having a parent with NPD is like trying to put a jigsaw together only to have it destroyed or criticised
"You may not even trust your own sanity or your own perception of certain experiences" oh my god, I haven't related to a video more. My parents constantly make it sound like I'm lying or that they don't remember doing things, or that I'm only remembering bad things that weren't even that big of a deal. They tell me that 'people say things they don't mean all the time' and my mom always acts like 'well you walked into that abusive relationship so...' She gaslights me about EVERYTHING. If I confront her about something she's done that was abusive and I prove what I said is correct, she just attacks me and acts like a hurt victim. I cut them out of my life (I'm 30 now, so I can). These videos about abuse and gaslighting, and narcissists and parents in general have helped to validate me so much. Thank you, Kati.
I hear you SO MUCH. During my early teens my parents brought me to think I was on the autism spectrum because I couldn't otherwise explain all the fear, insecurity, anxiety and mistrust for people that oppressed me every single day. Not to mention how it always seemed impossible to question and discuss THEIR behaviour and motives because the conversation would get overturned on me and my actions only. It sucks beyond repair. Stay safe!
@@AryaPhoenix I am so sorry that happened to you! Awful parents suck, and I wish it didn't happen as often as I'm seeing. I hope you're in a better place now.
i started crying during this video, which is funny because i didn't think it really applied to me at first. you mainly talked about emotional neglect as a child or infant, but i think it also applies to when you're a teen. my parents showed their true narcissistic sides as i got older, and felt that neglect while also becoming an adult. when you said that we become manipulated and then question our own sanity... i felt that. hard. i constantly question myself in everything i do, i guess because i didn't have the guidance as a teenager that i needed.
thank you for helping me understand myself better.
at the end you asked for tips. if anyone's reading this and you felt something in this video too, then i recommend therapy if you haven't already tried it. i've been in therapy for years, and i love it so much. also, if i ever feel angry about either of my parents (even if it was something from a longggg time ago that randomly resurfaced in my brain) then i always write a letter. it seems weird at first, but once you get started, it's so easy to just let your brain and fingers do the talking! sometimes i don't even realize i feel a certain way until it's suddenly written in the letter.
most importantly, kati's right - if you're still living with your toxic parents, find a way to get out as soon as possible. that's how i was able to understand the situation better, and eventually begin to heal - when i finally moved out. it's hard and scary at first, but you need to make yourself a priority.
So true my mum completely changed when I was a teen. I was no longer her dolly she could dress up and show she was a good mum to everyone anymore. When I grew into myself she made me the black sheep of the family
Your into “welcome!” ALWAYS makes me smile, without fail!
I subscribe. :)
Awe yay!!! xoxo
@@alexandrugheorghe5610 Welcome to the Community!
I realized my mom was a narc. It only took me 48 years. I did something that changed my life. I wrote a letter to myself FROM my mom. It aplogized in detail for all she did to me as a child. The grief started immediately and so did the closure and healing. I highly suggest it. Ive also gone grey rock no contact. Its been the best 5 years of my life
The very idea of doing something like this frightens me. It means I should prolly give it a go for precisely that reason. Hope you're doing well
Hey, normally I don´t leave comments, I just remain silent ... I´m not that confident.
But I guess this is a topic I can say something about ... I had toxic parents, my father wasn´t there for me though I really loved him and my mother was all over the place. I´m german so I have some troubles in wording it correctly, sorry for that. I have BPD and am in therapy since five years now. I talked so much about my issues with my therapist that I´m okay now. My parents adjusted to my new self since I act in a different way because I can understand why things are like they are and I can work on it now. The only thing I can say is ... try to go through it. Everything ends eventually, it´s not going on forever. Someday it´ll get better, eventually.
I really like your videos and I recomanded your channel to my therapist here in germany. She´s also impressed about it and really likes it. I just wanted to say thank you for being here, educating us and helping us out :)
So ... thank you for being here ♥
greetings from bavaria! :D
Thank you so much for taking the time to leave a comment. I am sorry you have had to go through all of that, but I am glad therapy is helping and you are using your tools at home to better manage it. xoxo You are so much stronger than you know! xoxo
@@Katimorton thank you for the sweet words, I couldn´t had made it where I am now without my friends. I´m always currious to try out new things that might help :)
You give me hope that things will get better for me, thank you
@@TheLostRobin thank you, I always try to help where I can. Never give up hope, it´s hard to fight but it´s worth it ♥
Both of my parents, yes.
I am so sorry to hear that. I hope some of the tools and tips I offered were helpful!! xoxo
Same here. My father the more aggressive narcissist and my mother, the gas-lighting passive-aggressive one. When Kati mentioned about the parent having a child to make themselves feel special, inside my own mind and experience rang aloud "That's my mother!" ...oye. Fortunately, if people have gone through this and made progress to some normalcy, so can we.
Same here
Teared up watching this. 23 years old and the things my mom did and said to me still eat me up inside. When I’m in a bad place mentally I hear her voice in my head saying very evil, mean things. But the sad part is they’re all things she has really said in real life that are burned into my memory.
I've only come to realize my mother and my first husband were narcissists in the last year. I mean I knew mom was selfish and a survivor of trauma, I just didn't connect her jealousy of me and my sisters to that specific term. I went no contact for first 10, then after a 5 year contact stint, another 14 years. She passed and I felt such relief. Not just for me, but for her. I so wrote dozens of letters to her and got a lot of my feelings out. You could have been describing me, telling my story with your examples. I feel so "known." I am lucky I have a good counselor and we're working through other important things, but she's the one who shined the light on my mother and ex's narcissism. Thank you for noticing people like me.
Thank you for covering this topic. As a survivor of a narcissistic mother and now being a mother myself this was very helpful 💕
So relatable. Especially the comment about remothering ourselves. I actually fell this morning and skinned up my knee. I didn't clean it or pay much attention to it. I realize now I just ignore it and move on. Used to have the mantra "Suck it up and move on" since I was 9 years old in particularly stressful, emotional situations. I never made the connection that ignoring my mental/emotional injuries correlated to my physical wounds. Just, wow.
The way you say "Welcome!" makes my entire week so thank you. I love these videos and I really appreciate you taking the time to do these :)
I teared up watching this, so close to home ...literally. Thank you Kati for making me feel sane always happy to see your videos and how they help myself and others.
Journaling is fantastic, such a valuable way to release feelings pent up inside.
I hear this a lot, but to me it seems silly.
I really need this today! Thank you Kati! As always you explain such an important and difficult topic in a simple and really accessible manner. Take care!!
This is probably my favorite video!! She haS such wide fan base, and I truly appreciate this video!! It is something that I didn’t have growing up. I am angry at society for not teaching kids this earlier, but so grateful that she and many others are taking the right steps. Narc parents suck the soul out of their own kids. Cope and protect yourself. Much love and good vibes going out to you if you are still reading. ❤️🙌🏽🙏🏽
i found this series when i needed it most. i cant even believe how helpful and accurate this was for me. thank you so much for giving me the validation i needed for so long.
Thank you for the tips! Boundaries are everything with these types of parents. I rarely see mine because they are so toxic and emotionally abusive. Writing letters you don’t send help tremendously! 💗
Kati, I think it's important to distinguish between different types of narcissism and the parental styles they engender. You mentioned that a narcissist parent might not give "cuddles", however a covert narcissist might show a lot of physical affection just to show they are being a "loving parent". This affection might not necessarily be in response to a need expressed by the child and so just sends more confusing signals.
True. All these "actions of love" are pure manipulation.
This was 100% me growing up. I spent years getting away from that environment, processing and healing. It's comforting (almost strangely so) to know that the pattern of abuse and results of it are so clearly linked to each other. I guess that's because, at the time, you don't know why you feel the way you do. Thanks for the continued education Kati!
Thank you for this. My narcissistic mother is coming in town this weekend for my bday and I’m dreading it and needed this. I’m gonna be a detective and decide what I know is right or wrong and not let her tell me what is. I make great decisions despite what I’ve been told my whole life! Thanks 🙏🏼 again KATI you rock!
This is unrelated but I want to thank you so much for everything you do! The last couple of days I had the worst anxiety I've ever had and I was scared and didn't know what to do. I came across your channel and watched a few videos and I feel almost 100% better. I appreciate you so much and you could be doing so many things with your life and you choose to help people. I'm so thankful I found you and it's so relieving to know that I have something to turn to when I go through struggles. I hope to meet you one day to thank you in person.💗
Welcome to the Community!
Thank you for sharing this. For the longest time I thought that I was losing my mind that it was all me. I realize it now and I’m so thankful it’s not too late. I’m learning how to love myself more and set boundaries. Thank you! ❤️
you have really opened my eyes, I never would have thought of my mom being this way, but the way you described this matched everything about her so perfectly it's truly unbelievable. I'll definitely have a talk with my therapist about this and see what she recommends, thank you.
Your comment hit a chord with me. How have you been? Is there any hope for us?
Thank you Ali, can't wait for your next book so excited!! Xxxxx
My father is a narcissist and it's been very difficult to grow up with (I'm 21 now). I didn't live with him growing up, thankfully, but I did still see him. I have recently decided to take a break from talking to and seeing him. I have also decided to write one of those letters you mention, but I am actually planning on sending it because I believe that that's what I need to do to truly move past it and heal. Thank you for making videos like this, along with the wonderful sessions I've been having with a counsellor for the last couple of months, it's really helpful to have my experiences and feelings validated. Again, thank you Kati and please keep doing what you're doing xxx
I've ben following your videos for a while but this one spoke to me to the core...
My narcissistic mother passed away recently. And as horrible a person as that might make me sound, I've never felt so good in my life. That being said I still feel like some things are still not right with me. What you said about gaslighting is so on point. I still question my own reality sometimes...
Anyway, your video was really helpful, made me realize that I'm not alone and still might need therapy. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you.
I started crying when I saw you hold up those two books, "The Emotionally Absent Mother" especially. Thank you for sharing these resources. I can see that you're genuinely trying to help thank you so much. I really want to heal this hole in my heart.
I grew up with narc parents. I knew I had to get away from the toxicity and the negativity but I felt stuck. I was really shy growing up and felt that it would be difficult for me to hold down a job long enough to be able to break free. I don’t remember what my mother did to me the particular day that made myself vow that I would one day be able to be independent and not need her financially. I always did real good throughout school and at 24 years old, I decided to go to Pharmacy school. It was long and difficult but I studied and studied and I earned a Doctor of Pharmacy. I remember on my graduation day, students who maintained a certain gpa graduated with Honors and wore a special sash . I was not one of them. Right after the ceremony my family and friends came up to me and congratulated me and the first thing my mother said to me was “where are your honors?”
I got a great job. I left home and bought a house six months after I graduated😁 I’ve been living on my own for 14 years and have been no contact with the narcs for a year now.
I've always considered this, but hearing the part about gas lighting confirmed it for me. Thanks Kati.
Great topic and one I’m doing a video on! Amazing how many kids are raised by one! Keep doing you!
Thank you, I have not cried in a very long time, but towards the end of the video I cannot hold back my tears. I'm sure my life will be different after watching your video. Thank you soooooo much!
This is so much help! Well, not to me now, because when I desperately needed this video, youtube didn't even exist yet. These techniques are what I eventually stumbled upon myself, but gosh! It took me years! I'm very grateful for the help and advise you put out there, and I hope others will be able to put this burden behind them sooner, thanks to you!
wow, as if you posted this at literally the *perfect* time... the universe is aligned! and thank you for what you do. i appreciate you! x
Thank you so very much. I’m really happy to have found your channel.
I would like to recommend putting up boundaries. That is what I am working with my mother. Thank you for your video
Kati, I love listening to you speak. You have perfected your craft and i believe you are helping so many people with these videos.
xx
My mother is a narcissist, and I didn't realize this until a little over a year ago. Thanks to Kati Morton and a few other youtubers talking about this issue, I saw all of these traits she defaulted to behind closed doors (and out in public). The big kicker was when she told me that my toxic ex was doing so much better after we had broken up, and then proceeded to tell me that I needed to give her even more money. My advice would be to keep track in either a journal or some form if you think you are being gaslighted, by doing this you can keep track for yourself to know you aren't "going crazy." This would only be if you think someone is doing this to you. If you do cut contact with the narcissist, don't talk to them. No matter what, it is in your best interest especially as you heal. They might turn other family members away or try to make people around you dislike you, just stay strong...
I grew up with 2 narcissistic parents and the best tips Katie gave already.
I did therapy, I read endlessly about boundaries and narcissism. In addition to writing the letters, my sister and I would read them to each other out loud to break that unspoken rule of keeping secret their abuse and neglect. And I write every day on my journal. Since I'm still saving to move out and I live with them I have noted that every day they try all their techniques so I see them as little as possible. and I have put myself through finding out the stage when I was stunted in development and what steps should be next for me to grow into healthy adulthood. This video is a comfort because it reinforces all the work I have been doing on my self for two years now. thanks Katie!
Ohh my!! Such a great topic to discuss about! Thank you for this valuable information! I should def keep this in mind in my practice as a psychiatric mental health Nurse Practitioner
Such perfect timing for this video. My mother has been the narcissistic parent in my life and it's taken a HUGE toll on me. My therapist recently suggested that we start doing emdr therapy, but I was super skeptical and wondered, "do I really need this?" after watching this video, I think it'll be a great opportunity for me. Thanks for all you do Kati!!
The only person I've ever met with a narcissistic parent has BPD. They have worked so very heard and used all the things and are now helping others. Hell of a thing to go through!
oooo the answer is yes
Great topic and discussion Kati! If you would ever be open to it, we would love to interview you about your work in mental health!
Getting out of the toxic environment is so important. It saved my life. My mother and I moved ten thousand miles away from my father and it’s still hard but it’s manageable now. Stay strong ❤️
I still live with my mother and I'm trying my hardest to move out asap but its so validating to get a label on the abuse cause i came to the realisation that something wasn't right only like 5 years back and I never knew how to ask for help without telling my entire life story but this is really something that I needed and I'm so sorry for anyone who has a narcissistic parent or sibling or someone close to you. You deserve love, kindness and empathy and all the best!
Thank you for this video.🙌🏽 I thought I was alone on this. I needed this. I’m tired of feeling guilty.💖 No more feeling guilty.💯
Kati, thank you for doing this video because at the age of 65 I am still suffering from what my narcissistic father put me through until he died when I was 38. Thankfully I raised our two adult daughters in a way that was the polar opposite of the way my father treated me, and our daughters are wonderful friends with me today. Thanks Kati for the knowledge and humanity you put into your videos.
Oh wow this is the exact topic I needed covered! Thank you! I loved your book btw it was fantastic
Don’t forget to leave positive reviews online! (Written reviews are the best ) 😉Checkout Goodreads.com and Amazon.com & give a 👍on Google!!!
LOVE THIS TOPIC! NEEDED THIS FOR CLARIFICATION!
my father definitely would be classified a narcissist... & as i’m getting older i’m unsure if it has somehow rubbed off onto my mother. because now it’s always well if he acts that way then why can’t i? whilst simultaneously getting angry at him for acting that way? it’s honestly very confusing to me but my mother rarely makes much sense to me... not sure what’s going on there or if that’s just normal behavior for someone who felt themselves to be he victim of a narcissist. definitely physical & verbal abuse. never knew how to be a father. my mom was always more worried about her relationship with him & how shitty & much of a cheater he was than us, seemingly. not sure if that would make her a narcissist. i have 3 sisters, we are all pretty scarred in our own ways although we were treated very differently & i got most of it because i refused to do things that didn’t make sense & i wanted things explained to me & well me father didn’t like that because he’s a very “because i said so” kind of guy. i catch this behavior so often in my mom that i’m unsure if they were always both narcissistic or if she is showing more victim-like symptoms
Man, am I glad I found this channel.
Hey Kati, long time viewer. Just wanted to say thanks for making all of these videos. They really helped me get started on understanding mental illness. I've been coming off of a failed suicide attempt and learning that I'm not the only one feeling like this is comforting.
Recently, I've figured that my mother was a horrible parent that left a lot of baggage on me growing up. Those feelings turned out to be true when she told me that I should kill myself so that she wouldn't have to. She doesn't know about my past attempts but those words cut deep. I'm trying to get a job to move out now and I'm never going to speak to her again when I do.
I haven't been able to relate to a video as much as this.. Thank you Kati!
Thank you, Kati, great video, as always!:) For me therapy helped a ton, but mainly just kickstarted things - I found myself looking for great youtube personalities, book authors etc. These people with their warmth and knowledge kinda help give me what I need - the feeling, that I have knowing and caring people who I can turn to for advice.
Kati, I just want to thank you for how caring you are when you talk, and how soothing your voice is. I am a detective myself; I, with the help of logic, found out the root of my issues. But when I have a dark night of the soul, so to speak, and I come to watch your videos, even if you don't tell me something I don't already know, your sole presence consoles me and cheers me up. Thank you.
p.s.: Both my parents fit the description. On top of that, were physically and emotionally abusive to each other. All the more reason I appreciate your cheerful and calming presence. Thank you.
Are you a private detective or a police detective
Oh wait your talking about the detective thing that she said huh
@@shenzybrosee haha yeah, that type of detective. Psyche detective ;D
Thank you Kati for another really great video. One tip I have is that I found it extremely helpful to have regular therapy before I started EMDR. It was a combination of the two types of therapy that made it really effective.
Thank you for making this video, Kati
It really helps
Thank you for your encouraging video! I'm sorry for what people of narcissistic
paremts, family members, romantic partners, etc., are going through. I recently began the healing of moving forward & distanciing myself from my narcissistic parents & family members. Every person is deserving of having loving & positive relationships in their lives. So it doesn't matter if it's your mom or anyone, no one has the right to abuse you; no one! I have minimal contact with my mom & 2 mths ago, I cut off all contact with my dad as he's a pathological liar & he's unwilling to stop being deceitful. Although, it's challenging & sad at times not to have parents who are loving, empathetic, etc., I've come to realize that I'm worthy of love & loving relationships! So by loving myself, I will attract other loving people & friendships.
I'm realizing that it is ok to have no contact or limited with family members, esp. if they're abusive & unrepentant of their behavior. So always choose healthy love, as when we grow up with narcissistic paernts/family we tend to think our needs & feelings don't matter as that's the way they programmed us to think. But that's all a lie; we're important & so are our feelings & needs. So anyone who treats us in a way that's contradictory to that aren't deserving of us being in a relationship with them!
The best gifts we can give ourselves is to give our best in healing from the trauma, living healthy & successful lives! So don't allow what these "messed" up people have done to deter you from loving yourself & being the best & most successful person you can be in all aspects of your life!! Wishing you love & light.💥
Thank you for this video! It’s very validating and encouraging - slowly but surely psyching (ha!) myself up to pursue trauma therapy.
I love your videos. They help educate me in many ways. Thank you!!
Thank you. I really don’t know what else to say. You help me so much.
Awe I am so glad I can be a helpful resource!!! xoxo
This just made me cry. Thank you
Something just happened today that’s made me feel like shit, pretty bad. I’m so glad I remembered this video and decided to watch it instead of going out and finding alcohol which I have been staying away from for years. It’s amazing how validated, hopeful, and empowered I feel right now. 10 mins ago I couldn’t think of other options. Thank you so much. (I have a great relationship with a therapist but this was sudden and unexpected)
Hi, Kati,
is there a way a parent can BECOME a narcissist? As a child, my parents were great and didn't neglect me, but now, as I am a teenager, it feels as though my parents don't care as much or if they do care, they are only doing it for their benefit (ie: doing something to make themselves look better/bragging). My mother who I was a bit overly attached to as a child, has now been distant and doesn't really listen to anything my siblings say because it is "hard for her" and "is being rude". We try to explain the things she is doing, but makes it all about how we are hurting her and not her hurting us. Both of my older siblings are adopted, and me and my sister (the middle child) have felt that my mother is a bit more neglectful to her. We think that it's because our brother was their first child and I am the only biological one. My sister has learned to have a very thick skin, and basically ride the wave until she moves out to college in the fall, but I'm scared I won't see her after that because she won't want to be around my mother. It has been very scary for me and my sister, as neither of my parents sees anything wrong and neither does our brother (who has become content with his situation and is now stuck in a state even though he's going to be 20). We feel that at times, my parents either see us as experienced adults OR small children and not treating us like the teenagers we are. Because of my mother, we have become scared to talk about anything serious because it always seems to "hurt her" and her parenting. Sorry that this is long, I just needed to get this out.
I don’t think it’s that they become that way we just only see their good ways as a kid then as an adult or young adult become increasingly aware of the ways they are not so great. If someone is neglectful, self centered it’s going to come out. & you will be more aware of that.
Hello friend. Your mom sounds a lot like mine. There are two main types of narcissistic mothers: the engulfing type and the ignoring type. Yours sounds like the engulfing type. When you were young, you were an extension of herself. The older you get, and the more you individuate yourself, the more you will see her narcissistic behaviors come to light, such as playing the victim when you try to address her hurtful comments or behavior. The dynamic between you and your sister (and your brother) sounds like the Golden Child/Scapegoat dynamic. The best thing you can do for your sister is support her, don't guilt-trip her into being around your mom for your sake. You may have to go awhile without seeing her, but have faith in your bond, and when you're an adult, you can pick up where you left off.
Being the child of a narcissist is this weird contrast between having adult expectations foisted up on you and, in other ways, being completely infantilized. I recognize a lot of the things you've described. Like Kati said, get out as early as you can. Please check out these links:
www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/
www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists
www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks
www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/adult-childrens-reasons-for-estrangement.html
I would think some individual like me who were abused for 30+ years with a narcissistic mom are watching this video with tears and so much sorrow for what we have been through. A good friend of mine told me about this hard-to-repair disorder a couple of days ago, and since then I am blown away with how accurate the description is. I am so sorry for my narcissistic mom, for myself, and for all victims like myself.
Heeeeey... That's meeeee. Emotionally neglected child turned adult of a narcissist.
The more I know about both narcissism and emotional neglect the more I understand my life. Thank you so much for these videos they're so informative, and your manner of speech is soothing and... welcoming, for lack of a better word. You make me less terrified of seeing therapists because if there are among them people as understanding, empathic and welcoming as you I feel like I have no reason not to seek therapy.
Thank you so much. Have a dad with NPD and I have never known "normal". The gaslighting is definitely a very real thing which I'm just realizing needs addressed in therapy.
Thank you Kati! I really appreciate you!
Was raised by severely abusive narcissistic parents. 40 years old, still struggling to live every day.
Literally had a conversation about this yesterday.
I really advise the journaling tip! Especially if you have a hard time understanding what you’re thinking. You start off small, but as you keep talking to yourself you start noticing things that you couldn’t see before and you begin to understand the situation better.
Another thing that I’ve come to use is removing myself from the situation, more specifically when my parent is gaslighting or being manipulative. I remove myself from the room and go to my own, or somewhere else quiet (preferably with a door I can close or lock). Avoidance isn’t the best option, but if you’re feeling attacked and you can’t fight back, it’s okay to retreat every so often.
Another thing I do is when my parent is in a rant about their problems, I play flattery. They just want someone to listen to them so they feel better. Don’t just say yes to everything just to get the conversation over with. In example, if they start saying “so-n-so did this today, and it was real rude” reply with “oh that’s not nice of them.” You don’t have to say it with emotion, you don’t have to act emotionally invested, just play along, and when they finish, you get a better person to -genuinely- talk to.
Thank you this video helped me a lot I’ve been feeling kind of stuck for a while, but I will try these thing and hopefully grow from this.
You’re absolutely right about parenting children needing humility in the parents.
perfect, really perfect, appreciate it Kati, thank you!!!
I had that problem of thinking I made it all up, or worse that I had it right in some corner of my mind, but others kept telling me I was wrong. That led me to having to work on it by myself. It took me years of struggle to figure out what was real and what wasn't. Thanks for bringing this to light.