5 Signs Your Parent Is a Narcissist
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- čas přidán 4. 06. 2024
- When I released my video about what it’s like to be in a relationship with a narcissist so many of you immediately asked me to talk about what to do when your parent is a narcissist. So here we are, we are going to discuss the 5 signs you have a narcissistic parent, and what having a narcissistic parent can do to our growth and development. And don’t worry, in the end I will share some tips on how to heal from the abuse because it can and will get better.
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"After all I've done for you" flows like water in my family
Liulah You may also find this video helpful!
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You mean poison.
Liulah oh yes one of my dad's favorite sayings .
Mhmmmmm
If my mother ever levels that one at me I will not be held responsible for what I say in response
"You don't owe your parents anything" was something I really needed to hear. x
omg same!
My narcissistic father tells me everytime I see him that I have to support him financially when he‘s older because that’s what he did when I was a student and I studied so long ( I couldn’t finish uni fast because I had bad depression for 3 years because of what he had did to me as a child)
My sister bought a condo a few months ago, and we celebrated christmas there. However, a few weeks ago she had a phone conversation with my dad and she told him that he couldn't visit her due to coronavirus. This didnt sit well with him, lol, and I overheard him telling my mom that my sister thinks she is "equal" to them when she's not bc they're her parents. I was so infuriated when I heard this. We are all human beings, and parents are not superior to their children. My dad feels like he owns us and this is just one example of his narcissism.
It’s always a little bit strange to hear these lists. Someone is describing my parents and my childhood.....and then the slow realization comes in again that this was not everyone’s childhood. Sometimes I wonder what it feels like to be an adult with years of unconditional,nurturing love from a parent. It must be amazing. All I want in this life is for my kids to fly from the nest feeling that way. Deeply loved and mentally and emotionally resilient.
Right...but I can’t help but feel like I do owe them at least something
“I don’t remember saying that” - my mother
with me it was "I know I said that, but what I was SAYING was..."
Mine is like that. No that didn’t happen, I don’t remember that...
I’m like yeah, you were always drunk . Of course you don’t remember 🙄
My mom adds youre lying who taught you to lie like that?
“I never said that” or them (the parents) putting words in your mouth
A classic line from my father, or it’s “it wasn’t even that bad”
"after all I've done for you! I bought you the best cloths, fed you the best food." Oh, give 'em a round of applause for feeding their child and keeping him clothed.
omg thisss alll the time
Sounds just like my FATHER
that's the bare minimum in my opinion
(Clapn clap, clap)
I swear, parents use that like it gives them an advantage. It was their choice to have a kid, and now that it’s their responsibility to take care of them, narcissistic parents act like you owe them for that when you never even had the choice to be born in the first place. And that’s their problem, they can’t take responsibility and own up their actions. (Also, excuse me is I sounded aggressive, I just wanted to rant a bit)
The best thing my dad ever said to me after an argument was: "I made the desicion to have a kid, bc it fitted into my life. You didn't even have a choice. It would be so wrong of me to expect anything from you. Everthing you do is for yourself." one day I wanna tell my children that.
Wow that's an enlightened parent. Bravo to him. I'm happy parents like that exist and that you had someone like that. :)
I like your dad
If you're smart enough to know that, you're smart enough to not have kids at all. Suffering and pain is inevitable in life, but everything someone hopes for is rare and fleeting. Don't foist that existence on a kid, unless you're planning on adopting, of course.
Im jealous bc you have a father like that
Good ppl exist, I know but hard to believe now
Oh, wow. The specific memory loss is so true. Or they act like you are being abusive by calling them on your abuse.
THIS RIGHT HERE. The nerve of my dad! He said I was abusing him for yelling at him, after he literally verbally insulted my whole existence in the form of yelling for no reason. And when I called him out on this, it went something like "I can yell and scream at you all I want. I could even slap you, but that doesn't give you the right to do the same thing to me. You are the child, so stop acting like a princess". There's really parents out there that think they don't have to treat you like a human being with respect simply because they birthed you. Two words: nursing home.
I thought I was the only one being called an abuser because I point out people's behaviour.
Exactly. 😑
I have only come around to realize this in my early 20s while still living at home. The audacity, my mother refused to cook for me when I was 14, just because I didn't want to eat meat any more (haven't touched it in the past 15 years). She wanted to teach me a lesson. Now she has the audacity to argument that I was always cared for and that by calling her abuse out, I am abusing her.
my mum told me that children do not deserve respect no matter how old (I'm 27) & my uncle told me that a parent stops being a parent when you turn between 16-18 years old - I have no idea what love from a family feels like & because I have chronic pain & broke I am stuck at home with her & lose it so often when she screams at me to do stuff or screams at me cause I did something like use too much toilet paper (Not joking - I have a medical condition in regards to that too). I am stressed all of the time which does not help my chronic conditions either, she is not an understanding person & doesn't want to understand me.
The generations coming through are so lucky to have the internet, posts like this will help so many people.
Not really tho....we seem to have parents thT were even worse....our stress rate is extremely high versus others prior....what they've done can never be fixed and you would think they would want to stop asap......unfortunately not
True, I probably would have continued to live in denial about my narcissist and emotionally abusive parent if it weren't for the internet.
@@lucyinthesky7894 I hope you’re still young, you don’t get the wasted time back!
I was thinking the exact same thing. This information is so healing 👍
Both of my parents are narcisistic😟
“You don’t owe your parents anything”
Say it louder for my parents in the back
I DO NOT OWE YOU ANYTHING
How does that work they say I paid everything for you and then say you need to pay up too!
@@Sherlock245 when you have a child it is your responsibility. Supporting a child until it becomes an adult is something exoected by a parent.
Dont wanna pay? Dont have a child
Dont wanna take responsibility? Don’t have a child
@@Sherlock245 Having a child is a choice. If you take on a resposibility out of choice, there is no owing. It is like buying a pet, think of the time and money you spend on a dog, does the dog owe you anything?
@@adamlea6339 but buying a pet does not mean you can shout at it as you want. That is what i was trying to explain.
Yassss!! That is validating
When you feel lighter and happier when you’re away from them including when they SHOWER or GO TO WORK that’s when you know you have a narcissistic parent
I can relate deeply to this one
So fucking true
too damn true
Honestly these comments are helping me realize!!
And that dread you feel when you hear them come home. To this day the sound of tires on gravel and car doors slamming makes me panic
"specific memory loss" wow i felt that
Me too!! That hit hard, it happens to me way too often.
Me Three...
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@@_just_TK thank you
me too... just a couple weeks ago I was on the phone with my mom and I said something like 'well, maybe if you two (my parents) wouldn't have hit your kids you would have a better relationship with them now' and her response was 'why are you lying? we never hit you.' I was astounded how someone can swamp something like that out of their memory.
My entire family is narcissistic. And I'm highly sensitive. It's been hell, but I'm finally getting out for good 💓
I’m here rn doing research on this to make sure I’m not crazy.
I feel ya. My mom has gotten way better but my dad has gotten worse, I’m sensitive as hell to and once I’m financially stable, I’m moving in with my boyfriend, 1000 miles away to where I get way more support for my dreams than I get at home
I’m the oldest we have huge hearts ty jesus
I just went no-contact with mine. My health is suffering. I'm turning 50 and can't take any more. I choose me.
Congratulations to you for that!!!
I was constantly told by my father, “You need to get your priorities right!” - What he meant was, my priorities have no value unless they match his.
I love that one. It's so vague an unspecific, it can be applied to literally any scenario or subject matter. Talk about lazy.
For me it was always, "You live in a fantasy world!", as an adult who works and pays taxes.
I’m sorry you were told this
@@bleh329 Yes, I got that one too. The really sneaky one was when my mother would say to other people, “I always wished Graham had an older brother”. It was a put down disguised as caring about me!
This constant henpecking without any encouragement was my adoptive home.
same. this is my mom right now telling me im a disgrace for going for my masters in psychology and not becoming a lawyer instead. she says my priorities are screwed up just because i dont want to be something she can brag to our entire family about lol
Everyone disliking this video are the narcissistic parents feeling attacked
Probably.
You said it!
I can’t agree more
Lol 😂😂😂
Narcissistic parents must be traced.....I can't stand the trauma....
What about love-bombing? My parents do this in the aftermath of conflict or whenever they feel I'm pulling away from them. Suddenly they lavish praise, compliments, money, and gifts. It's temporary and every gesture has strings attached. It's a trap, the nature of which is revealed at a later time.
Carrie Herman My parents do this as well.
My parents do this
Wow... I did realise that there was something wrong with that but... Didn't fully admit that this was really what they're doing... Thank you so much for your comment
That is a manipulative action inherent in narcissistic parents, screw them, don't believe it.
Take their money and get the hell outta dodge. Hahaha
My mom shows some narcissistic signs and I told her that I thought she mind be a narcissist and she said ''U are such a ungrateful and toxic child''
well..
STAYALICE fr I was arguing with my mom through text and she got super mad lmbo can wait to move out
i told my mom that she never let me expressed myseld when i was a kid, she answer " you never wanted to express yourself" ....... wtf 😩😡😡😡😠😠😠
Yep!! My mom would say that too. It’s so hurtful.
My step-mom overheard me saying she's toxic (from the privacy of my room) and I'm now no longer allowed at my dad's house.
Psychological projection.
I finally told my father, "I am NOT your employee and you are NOT my boss. I don't need your permission or approval to think, feel, or have an opinion."
The look of shock on his face told me everything.
My mom is the same way
Even employees deserve better too.
He threatened to kick me out when I said something like that
This just reminded me of when my dad pushed me away when I went to hug him when I was 13 and told me to look at him like a boss not a dad.
My mom would just punch my face if I said that
Currently stuck at home in quarantine with a narcissistic parent. This is empowering. Thank you.
Edit:
It’s so painful to admit my parent doesn’t care. My father left when I was young and she stayed and always uses that to gaslight and justify her horribly toxic behavior. So again, thank you.
Wishing you the best of luck!
I’m also quarantined at home with a narcissistic parent, you are not alone. We’re in this together
I am thinking of you.
I have almost the exact same situation too girl, trust me you aren't alone in this
I get it. I’m also in this situation it’s so hard.
Adult daughter of a narcissist mom here. Went no contact with her (and her enablers) a year ago and have never been happier.
@Amy Shakalis ❤ when you feel happier and at peace away from someone that is a good sign it is for the best.
it's been two years for me. hurt so much right away but the amount of joy and peace I feel every day is worth it.
@@evaweir4007 ❤
I too went no contact last year with my covert BPD/NPD mother. After years of misery and the realization that enforcing boundaries with her only made the situation even worse, I finally took that so final step. Going no contact, in my opinion, is the ONLY way to go if your parent(s) is truly toxic. Happy new beginnings for all of us coming out of the darkness, much love from central Pennsylvania!
@tammy may I ask what you mean by enablers
“We can’t light ourselves on fire to keep someone else warm.” ⭐️
Love this so much!!!
This is still hitting hard 2 years later!
I am adding this phrase to my top 5 now :)
i looked into a mirror and said “i love you, you’re important” right after it was suggested and started crying.. never said that to myself before and i didn’t notice until now. thank you
It’s even more heart breaking to know other people have gone through this. I’m just now realizing I was I was disassociating a lot, as early as 4-5.
We can and will get through this. I hope everyone who watches this finds the narcissistic parents page on Reddit.
i teared up as i listened to her saying that
YOU ARE important 😍 I did cry as well
One day I will tell my parents, "I deserved so much better."
that is what narcisists do
my favourite is 'you'll regret this one day' implying that once they are dead i will lament over how poorly i treated them by not bending to their will
Oh yes esp when they use the bible as a crutch
@@tapaijahill9897 sorry you had to go through them using the bible on you
@@tapaijahill9897 - All the while not following anything even-remotely moral.
The specific memory loss is mad. The narcissist in my life would literally say something and five minutes later, when confronted about it, would outright deny she ever said that. And I completely realise that you can forget the dialog as it was said ad verbatim in the heat of an intense argument. But when you’re bringing it back to the whole topic of the conversation as it was five minutes ago and they are outright calling you a liar, you know that you’re dealing with some alien psychology right there. 😑
I can relate
This is 95% of convos with my parents
Dr Tara on a Shrink for Men has some awesome tools to address this
My mom said I am a liar I don't know God and my lies will get her killed. I just told her that she should stop calling me lazy bc I'm not.
my mom denies every moments she neglected me. smh and im still stuck with her. i left for 3 years but failed & came back. Having narcissistic parents is pure unlucky tbf. sometimes I feel that Im cursed
I'm so lost rn. I feel bad about acknowledging the abuse but I also feel like I'm crazy or faking it.
The first step is to see it. To realize what's happening. The more you see the harder it will be to stay silent. To keep yourself in the category of less than.
Wtf I thought I was the only one that felt this way
Hugs and prayers ❤️
So this is why I'm depressed....
I was struggling in school in my teens and one night my mom sat on the couch, crying, talking about how all of her co-workers had kids that were doing great and she was embarrassed to even talk about me. So I told her to tell them that I had passed away so she wouldn't have to talk about me at all. I was so done with her.
Ouch. You could have added that you didn't want to hear her fake ass crying. She deserved to hear it, what an act. I'm sorry that you grew up like this to.
Wow...
I’ve heard this before too, you’re not alone
@@AGemFromJax wow i didnt know this was narcisism my mom does this all of the time..
girl. lemme just say this. YOU ARE A QUEEN FOR STANDING UP TO HER.
“You don’t owe your parents anything” wow this is something I’ve actually never considered.
Hallie Barenz 😬😬
When you do, it completely opens your eyes to the world on a whole new way.
We don’t ask to be born - our parents choose to bring us into this world.
Parenting is hard but parents don’t deserve a medal for providing the things a child needs to grow - in actual fact THEY owe YOU that, that is your right as a child.
Recognising that you don’t owe your parents anything doesn’t mean you aren’t grateful for good things you received or for your privilege that they may have afforded you. It totally sets you free.
You might try saying it out loud -- it's a big idea with lots of clutter keeping us from knowing it.
Yes but lt's hard once you've been abused for too long. Not easy to move out
It's so true, yet so hard to believe. I often have to convince myself multiple times a month, sometimes a week.
"They are always the victim" my mum in one sentence 😒
ugh on top of that she will villainize me... I can't!
Same😭
That's my mother in law to her son, my hubby. She's such a pain..
One of the hardest things about being around a narcissist is that their love is always conditional. Like it depends on what you offer them. If you've given them what they covet.
SIGNS:
1- They see you as an extension of themselves.
2- Emotional blackmail.
3- Public shaming.
4- They are always the victim.
5- Neglect.
My mom scores 4-1/2 out of 5. I needed this today to help me remember and not get hoovered back in.
I came looking for this comment. Thank you!!!
They prepare you for narc society thus you only atrract narcs and been in horrible relationshops with narcs
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5
Is My Mama I say that to the Women how I come out.
🧡🤝💪✌️😎🍀😇🌎🌍🌏☮️🙏
These are the exact criteria to be an Asian parents. Worst still they expect you to love and depend on them back for their behaviour.
*Something that has helped me in bettering my relationship with my mother is BOUNDARIES. When she starts attacking me for not “helping her” or for being overweight, I tell her that I have to get off the phone or leave. This has significantly reduced her verbal attacks towards me because she’s learned that I’m going to tolerate it.*
I am so sorry you have had to deal with this at all, but thank you for sharing what helps you :) You never know who else could be helped by it :) xoxo
Wise choice.👌🏻
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I wish that would work for me, mine just says I can't handle being told the truth and that I'm a terrible child and that other people's children in the community would not do this... and a whole host of other things. I try not to let these things get to me as she is like this with most of the family but it can be hard when it's your mum.
@@Ebuje1 you dont have to tolerate it because shes your mum or because other family members choose to. My wife cut off all contact with her abusive mother while her siblings did not (though they also have now) and it was the best thing shes ever done for her mental health.
"We don't owe our parents anything." I wanted to cry 😭
This video is spot on. I spent the major portion of my child hood depressed and confused on up until I was nearly 30 years. I went no contact with my narcissistic mother and that’s when the recovery and healing process started. I’m much better now. It’s a life long battle though still. To this day there are people who have no idea how toxic my mother was. My mother has sense passed away but to this day I am often told of how “sweet” of lady my mother was. On the other hand, she lead people to believe that I was a disrespectful and ungrateful son while she kept me in emotional turmoil.
Same here.. Like hell
I 59 & only recently that I'm the families village idiot scapegoat. For fun I add one extra year to my mom's age & tell her when both children bc ELDERLY she becomes Ancient ELDERLY...
Her head spins round & round.
Unfortunately relatable, friend
My mom used to buy me gifts so that later on she could expect something in return from me, or expected to follow her control on my life.
I felt so misunderstood in my teens
Yes, my mother controlled and manipulated through gifts, too. And if I tried to politely decline her gifts, she would rage at me and call me spoilt and ungrateful.
@@themaggattack same!!! She wouldn’t directly say I’m spoiled. But she said something like: “oh I could give you the whole world but you would still turn it down.” In a passive aggressive tone trough her teeth. When I politely declined. Thanks mom 😅
the way you use ‘we’ and ‘us’ is a really wonderful was of making us all feel more at ease with difficult videos like this! thank you!
Awe of course!! We are in this together :) xoxo
I definitely thought the same thing. I love Katie's videos.
Erin McCabe especially when you have grown up with a parent or loved one who wants you to think that they have never hurt you, this language really helps.
I noticed this about halfway through. It’s comforting
"see your narcissistic parent for who they are." no, this ABSOLUTELY makes all the sense. in fact i need this reminder. i grew up with so much love and admiration for my father, disappointed is an understatement to grow up and realize how horrible he actually is... that love and admiration doesnt just disappear... my heart breaks every day, for the person i want him to be, (the person everyone thinks he is...) versus the person i actually know him to be.
Just like me man , i hope you are doing well
Same
I feel the same way about my dad. Hope you’re doing well out there in the world!
“my dad be like; I use to change your diapers.”
“I be like; i’m closer to changing your diapers now.”
😂
Omg my dad told me the same thing! Talking about “ I used to wipe your ass!” So what😒
This has really got me thinking that if they poor this trick on us. We can say we will be caring for you when you get old so dont conplain!
😁😁😁
😆
Oof, that “after all I’ve done for you” part really hit me in the gut
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Same
Watch them short circuit when you say back "all of nothing"
Same.
You should be grateful that they’ve done so much for you but you don’t owe them anything because of that. My mother always tells me that I need to take care of her when she gets old, because that’s what I owe her “after everything I’ve done for you”. And yeah I love her and I’d like to help her, but you can’t just expect that from someone, not even your own child.
It’s just something that makes me feel bad about what she says. “When I get older you have to do this and that for me bcs I did it for you”. you’re my parent, you chose to take care of me and I’ll take care of my kids just like you took care of me. My mother should rather say “I took care of you and you owe your kids the same thing” like wth
Every conversation with my parents....
Even after all this time the sun never says to the earth: “You owe me.” Look what happens with a love like that, it lights the whole sky. Embrace unconditional kindness
💙🙏💙
Okay I didn’t start crying till this comment. We are essentially all made of the same thing. Stardust 💫
Beautiful message!
This is the most beautiful thing I've ever read!
this comment made me cry
I loved this video, even now, at 38 years old, I am written off as the crazy, errant child who 'imagines things'. I've been no contact for a while now with the whole family and my life is much nicer.
She’s 100% describing my mom. Walking on the eggshell ALL THE TIme. Anything I did “was always wrong and it hurt her.” She always blamed everything on me. She even told me how many times she tried to abort me and she was unsuccessful. I always thought My existence was the reason she wasn’t happy and successful. What a shame that she is all of a sudden understanding now at age 60 because financially she needs me and she has no one
Yes same here.
Mine told me that she didn't want me; but abortion wasn't legal at the time. How to make your daughter feel great...
My mother’s a covert narcissist, her gift is teaching me how not to be; Life can be confusing and painful but it’s for the best lessons.
Exotic Flower I have often told people that everything I am is me trying to not be like my mother. 💜
Same here! The only thing I've learned from her is how not to be. How sad is that!
They are the worst. Covert narcissist s are like cancer.
Wow! Great point
Right..like my mom wouldn’t even teach me how to drive or anything- totally ended up teaching myself but still. People like this are all wrong.
" I'm YOUR MOTHER" is the only phrase I know. That's my childhood and still is.
Same here. It's used for everything. I've heard it in response to my attempts to set boundaries, or even when I'm paying attention to someone else instead of her.
Right they true to say the mama is always right. No where in the Bible does it say that
this confirms it for me, my mom's a narc
Wow! This!
The society is brainwashed about honoring parents when in fact narcissistic parents do exist.Honor must be mutual...Narcissistic parents want to make us feel we don't have the independence.....I am for death penalty for narcissistic parents
Things are bad when you've got other people are on your parents' side, either believing their BS or worse, agree with their ways.
Agreed. My aunt, for example, is really friends with my mom. My mom does insane crap to get her way. And when she doesn't, she will actually explode. One time she exited a moving vehicle because she was losing an argument with my dad.
Later, my aunt called me dad and blamed him for the whole thing. Because she just couldn't believe her good friend would do something like that. She blamed her own brother over my narcissistic mom.
On, Auntie... if you only knew.
Exactly. That’s why I’ve decided not to talk to them anymore. I’ve cut out all toxic family members.
Those people are what is known as flying monkeys I believe. Check out Dr. Ramani’s channel on you tube for more info she is amazing on all things narcissism
The gas lighting was so on point! I almost thought of keeping a record of what they say to make sure I wasn’t crazy.
Wow. My dad fits literally EVERY target, but I’m not surprised at all. It’s nice to be validated.
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BANGBUTTON hey girl. My dad does too. It’s such a breath of fresh air to know I’m validated. Take care 💖
My father too, he is a narcissist and my mother is an enabler.
Same, but with my mom. I already highly suspected she was a narcissist, but this video just totally reaffirmed it.
Same
I have found that my parents were great when I was a kid but as soon as I turned into a teenager, they became someone else. They will never ever accept that I have grown up and that I’m in adult. That is why I am the scapegoat and my brother is the golden child. He always was dependent on them and still acts like a child. I would love to see you do a video on this🙏🙏🙏
Same here! also the oldest child and scapegoat. My brothers just let him have his way and looked up to him (at least until recently, now they realise what he is but they still pander to him just to keep the peace). I called him out, making me this horrible, selfish, evil daughter in his eyes. It took me a long time to unlearn all of the negative things he made me believe i was.
High 5. I am also the oldest and the scapegoat of the fam. I noticed something different since a young age when I compared my fam with my friend's fam
Yeahhh as a child my life was amazing, as soon as I start to ‘blossom’ that’s when it all went down hill.
My mom makes comments like, “I remember when you used to love me.” No, you remember me obeying your manipulation. I was never taught how to stand up for myself, and when I did, I was a demon.
Same here...
My mom has told me when I was young, No one will ever love you as much as I do. Thats crazy
yeah, just what my ex-girlfried's narcissistic father always kept telling her. By doing so he "bought" her, basically controlling her, telling her how to feel, what to do, how to behave in the family, giving her her role/place (because I love you you need to do what I say, because it's for your best). This phrase doesn't take you/the recipient or even other people into the equation, which is why I guess you hear it so frequently from narcissists, who just focus on themselves...
Grew up with a narcissistic mother as my only parent. The hardest part is trying to accept that she didn’t (and still doesn’t) care about me. It was always about her.
This was so incredibly validating ❤️
is you a narc leo???
I know narc leos that accuse others of being narc! 🤮 .
agree
It absolutely was!
My mother would tell me she “owned” me and all of the above. I’ve divorced my toxic parent.
Bravo!
Apple Betty she “made you and gave you everything you are so ungrateful” Jesus fucking Christ, imagine saying that to a child. But they do... they do.
Good for you!
My mom tells me "i gave birth to you. You didn't give birth to me" whenever she causes a useless and pointless argument and i get mad at her.
I tried to divorce her but failed bcuz of child support and her being a lawyer. Im 21 and still stuck in the loophole (i tried to leave for 3 years and it went BAD)
i used to think only one of my parent's was a narcissist, but now i'm realizing they both were. thank you for these videos, this actually helps me rationalize the behavior
This is so helpful because I struggle with wondering what's wrong with me and it wasn't ever me.
I just watched a 15 minute description of my entire relationship with my mother.
"You can't light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm." That's a brilliant way of putting it and it's the most important lesson I've been learning these days.
When she said “I love you, you are important, I will take care of you.” I started bawling. That’s one thing I’ve always wanted to hear but have never been told. Thank you.
I started tearing
@@nabilsh9347 OMG same here!
Me too
Me either
My life has been crippled by a narcissistic mother. These videos help so much. I am basically a train wreck right now trying to protect myself and especially my children from her. Staying out of her reach is terrifying and I struggle everyday. I do need professional help.
I'm still not 100% sure my parents are full-on narcissists, but the emotional neglect and "You owe us because we are your parents" is strong. I did finally move far away from them, and although I was initially very upset by the move and hurt by how little they seemed to care, I have felt SO MUCH BETTER since I decided to just leave them out of my life! I am no longer chasing their approval constantly, and I really do feel lighter. If anyone else is reading this, I'm almost 40. It's not too late for me, and it's not too late for you. You can heal!
When you said "you are important" I started crying. Thank you.
I’m 4 years no contact with my narcissist parents and still need to hear this to reaffirm what I did was right. My life has vastly improved since then. I have dreams of them loving me but when I wake up, I realize that it was just a dream.
I used to think that parents have to love their kids, don't they?
Our parents don't love us because they can't.
Once we accept that, we can move on.
i just started crying, because so many things in this video made sense to me now. i know i‘m not crazy. my dad is a narcissist and my parents are divorced because of that, so every now and then i have to stay with himand every time i‘m with him, i feel heavier and less happier.
i‘m slowly recovering and seeing things clearer.
thank you for this!🤍
The silent treatment. Being two faced. Collecting others to gang up on you. Seeing someone or something good they don't have that you love and taking it. I just recently stumbled on to your videos! Such great information. Thank you.
ever since i could remember my parents would almost always accuse me of being "selfish" and "egoistical" when i didn't want to (or couldn't) do something for them or when i asked a simplest favor for myself. i grew up with the firm belief i was a spoiled child and asking for too much. now as i'm older and struggling with various mental health issues including depression and anxiety, i'm starting to realize their strive to let me down and to make me feel bad about myself all the time might have been one of the factors if not the cause of all those issues and feelings of guilt i have now. even these days, they rarely take my feelings into consideration so i stopped even mentioning it in front of them because i know they wouldn't understand or as always, make it all about them.
I understand this. You can live a good life and someone will really love you for having to go through that abuse for so long while staying strong. Your journey is not over.
Same with me, i felt (and still feel) guilty almost all the time, as if by just existing is asking too much. Just remember that whatever they've said about you is a reflection of them, not you. I was lucky to have wonderful friends who assured me of my worth and that i was a good person and it was my narcissistic dad who was the issue and not me, so I learnt to see myself the way they see me and not the way my dad does, because i realise that he has me all wrong. Forever being labelled selfish no matter how hard you try to do the right thing really does get to someone, but i just wanted to tell you that im sure you are a wonderful person. Putting up with narcissist abuse takes so much strength, empathy and patience and the fact that youre even here is something to be extremely proud of! Keep being you ❤
I've got anxiety and depression as well but when bring up my feelings to my parents they don't give a damn and don't listen 😔
Do you have twitter dragonymash?
Ughhh "selfish" and "lazy" are my moms favorite words😩
i'm an indian, to me this sounds like Indian parent's guidebook to parenting. I'm sure there are many Indian parents that are nothing like this but the difficulty i'm facing is differentiating my parent's behaviour from being regular indian parent behaviour from definitely just their own narcissitic behaviour. Can't make up my own mind about whether it would be 'not the best thing to do to cut off' or 'if it would be totally warranted'.
hey! no matter what your decision trust yourself to do the right thing. I might suggest that putting distance between yourself and your parents isnt always permanent. if you find it is difficult for you to heal because you're constantly beat down by their behavior it might be a good idea to consider giving space for you to heal.
I'm not Indian but I always notice that a lot of my close Indian and Asian friends seem to have a warped view of how much power their parents should have over them and it seems like it's harder for them to actually make choices to enjoy their own life
ALL Desi parents are like this. It's just a matter to what degree. The culture promotes mental illness.
Complete cut off is really a last resort and should 100% be based on your feelings/situation and not what you "think" you "should" do. Even just moving out of the house to a different city is loads helpful, even if you're still only 15min away or something. The key is boundaries. Don't let them have a key to your house. Don't let them show up uninvited (or if they do, don't let them in & ignore them!) etc. If they can learn to respect boundaries you don't need to cut them out. If they can't.... then you decide what the next step for you is.
I’m African American. Same here. It’s a bit soothing to see how many other cultures deal with the same problem.
Oh geeez. So true on so many levels. Thank you for this, Kati. My mum used emotional blackmail all my life (I’m 54) and until i went no contact at Christmas, after finally breaking, she still used “I can’t believe a son of mine is treating me like this…” or “I gave birth to you” or put on the “poor old me/ I’m on my own” card. But my brother, who has her grand children, is the golden child. Gaslighting is something I didn’t know she was doing but oh boy, yes was it ever exhausting. And public shaming, oh boy, telling friends and family what a difficult birth and feeder I was as a baby but my brother was so easy and a joy. I’m broken, having therapy but your videos are also a great source of comfort and reassurance that I’m not a bad person. Thank you 🙏
Thank you, Kati, I was surprised that I recognised all of these. My mother is now 99 and I am still floored by some of the devasting things she will say or do in order to reestablish control. I understand that getting older and losing power is frightening, and I understand that, because she is increasingly frail, she needs a lot of support which she refuses to get from anybody outside her home. I am 63 now, still working full time, and have come to realise that, in taking care of her, I am damaging my own physical and mental health - and have somehow wasted the whole of my life in trying to please somebody who will never be satisfied. I feel very foolish but also very trapped.
It’s never too late to enjoy your life & have peace❤
This is the first time I've felt like someone sees me. Someone gets it, someone is able to put my past into words in a way that I've never been able to before. I never quite know how to express myself or explain to counselors how my family is 'fragile' and 'toxic' and how I'm terrified of going home for the holidays while others are thrilled. I've been told so many times that 'everyone has family problems'... but this is more than family problems, this is abuse. my siblings and I have been emotionally and verbally abused and none of us have come out unscathed. We have scars, scars that we hide from others and even each other. I'm hurting, but I'm healing. Thank you for validating my experiences.
you are so right when you say there's a difference between weird family dynamics and abuse. and sometimes people in the same family might not even be affected the same way! I'm glad this video helped you too
i have faced this my whooe life. can relate truly!
Violette Williams i felt that. Constantly going back after my daily hour of excercise during quarantine and when I near the house on my street I feel the anxiety creep back into me and I feel nauseous and don’t want to go back ‘home’.
Could you do a video on abuse from siblings? Where the line between “normal” sibling rivalry and abuse lies.
I feel my sibling abuses my pets
Yes, I would really benefit from that type of video.
I really need this kind of video, my older brothers are treating each other quite bad like they can't stand each other and they're 22 and 27 years old now. I want to know if this is normal or not because my oldest brother acts like a manchild sometimes and never owns up to his mistakes. Also, he used to lie very often and I don't know if he's stopped. I think he's become a narcissist...
My other older brother is very silent and usually lets the other one get away with whatever he wants.
My eldest brother acts very authoritarian even to him, even though they're both adults. I haven't seen them being friendly to each other since about a year ago.
Flee and pray for them. My parent needs me so I’m there when she does. Emotional Neglect of a child is the greatest form of abuse. Get over them and move on. Your healing advice is helpful, thanks!
Got the “after all I have done for you” just the other day and my emotions have never been important as my mother’s. I think a big part of my reparenting is “un mothering”.
The walking on eggshells thing is way more damaging than it might seem at first glance.
When your narc explodes like a firecracker at anything and anytime, usually at inoccuous, imagined slights, the victim learns to sooth. They learn to talk the narc down from their anger that's just flared up. Talking soothingly to these people means not noticing insults, extending solutions to their problems that aren't well considered and usually means promising to extend more personal energy than would otherwise be offered to resolve the problem. It might mean something like apologising for something that you privately aren't sorry for. Anyway, the point here is the victim gives too much to the narc so the victim loses her sence of personal boundaries. The idea of people having a personal boundary is laughable to the narc, all aspects of the victim are there for the narc to cherry pick from.
The point I'm trying to make here is that when it's a parent doing it to you, means someone has had it done to them for literally years at a time when a child is laying down their own personal personality/character, so it becomes an automatic response to give too much of yourself.
There's a knock-on effect. Due to our lack of personal boundaries as children, when we begin dating men can see it, and some see it as attractive and exploit it in the victim. And the victim is the last one to notice she's being exploited.
Damn you described my dad so perfectly. My first boyfriend was also someone with quite serious issues that I pandered to all the time because it was what i was used to. Thankfully, my current boyfriends is wonderfully caring, mature and balanced, but i will never stop feeling guilty when he does stuff for me. I feel like i don't deserve him because of the guilt ive been made to feel through treading on eggshells my whole childhood, always managing to do something erupting in shouting and accustaions of selfishness/meanness/intentionally hurting my dad, regardless of how hard I tried to be good. I'm an empath so constantly being told i was a bad person damn near destroyed me, but thankfully i had friends around who made me realise who I truly was and, in all honestly, saved me. Sending love to anyone else with a narcissistic parent, and just remember anything they try and use to insult you when they are raging is more a reflection of them than it is of you 💓
My mom was a narcissistic drug addict. I remember when I was young she'd threaten to leave us because of the way we were, among other threats. She passed last year and even though I miss her, it was a big weight lifted off of me.
Stay strong my friend
What do you miss?
What's interesting is that my parents have always said they loved me and showed me affection, yet It's still difficult for me to say I love myself. Also, I have a narcissistic parent.
When my mom says:
1) “Go ahead/ Do whatever you want” after you disagree or argue with her about something. (You should not do it cause you will eventually get punished, whether it’s with silent treatment or actual scandal/scene where she tries to turn everyone in the family against you.
2) When you bring up her invalidating your feelings, her hurting you emotionally or verbally. She says “Yeah I am such a bad mom”, “find another mom”, “I am sorry you have such a bad mom”, “It’s because you...”, “It’s because I...”
3) She laughs it off when you bring up her physically hurting you (shoe being thrown at you, burning you, hitting you with a spoon/ruler).
A lot of the time there is also a 'golden child' that does no wrong in the parents eyes, while their other child receives most of the negative attributes of their narcissistic parent.
True. But even the golden child, or the star child, can suffer from their tantrums on occasion. Especially if they do something that goes against the parent's wishes or expectations.
Like when my sister was getting ready to get married. My mom made it very clear she didn't approve and cut communications off as things were coming together. My sister was so not used to this, she called me in a bit of a panic and asked what she wrong. I did my best to tell her she wasn't the one in the wrong, mom was.
My parents accused me of rewriting history when I have proof otherwise.
Signs 2 and 4 are huge with my mom.
About a little over a month ago, I was having an episode of ADHD paralysis, while we were supposed to be cleaning the house, which turned into a panic attack. I couldn't move my body, and all the while I felt stupid for breaking down over such a simple task. And one thing my mom said to me was *"either go to your room, or start cleaning. I can't even stand to look at you."* Ugjghv it makes me feel sick just thinking about it.
The next day, I was really distant and kind of annoyed at my mom, and she picked up on that. So she went to talk to me. I thought maybe she was going to try and understand what happened with me the previous day... But just thinking about the conversation we had makes me so angry.
I'm not a very confrontational person, like, at all. I freeze up easily in serious conversations. Most of the talking goes on in my head, and I can't figure out how to communicate my thoughts. So this gives my mom a huge advantage.
She apologized half-heartedly, and this sentence is the one that stuck with me the most:
**"If anything, I think you should be apologizing to me. For your behaviour."**
You mean for my neurological disorder that you never tried to understand which went my whole childhood undiagnosed because you refused to accept that any of your kids have mental illnesses, disabilities, and disorders, and shut us down when we tried to talk to you about it, leading us all to grow up into dysfunctional adults and teens? ..... That's what you want me to apologize for, mom?
She's also been having a _lot_ of health issues, which hinder her ability to walk for too long, pick things up, hold things, or do many tasks, really. I understand that she's disabled because of this, and life isn't easy for her right now. She has 4 kids, 3 of which live with her. She's incredibly stressed out. The unfortunate thing is that she uses this to make us feel guilty. We're not the most capable people, either, and dealing with our mom is a lot, but she'll always compare our struggles, which isn't okay.
"If being asked to clean up is going to make you shut down and cry, I'm sorry but you're not going to get far in life."
"I didn't want to tell you this, I really don't want you guys to worry about me, so please, please don't tell your siblings, but I'm so scared that I might be dying. The doctors don't know what's going on with me, and it's terrifying. Please don't tell your siblings this, this isn't something you should be worrying about."
I want to move in with my dad so badly, but she acts like it's a personal attack each time I try to bring it up.
And something she says constantly is "I've seen this kind of thing in people before." (she was a social worker) "they think that relocating will solve all their problems, but it _won't._ your problems move with you."
And I know they do, but I really can't deal with my problems in her house. I dread going back there. Even if things aren't all bad- I do get along with her, I can be happy when I'm in her house and/or interacting with her. I usually act happy around her. But that's because I feel like she doesn't want to deal with my actual emotions. All of this feels unfair to her, but I know these emotions don't come from nowhere
@@blueraspberrycat1283 Ugh. She absolutely DOES want you and your siblings (or at least just you) to worry about her. That's why she's using her health to scare and guilt you into serving her. That "don't tell your sibling" thing is such a load of manipulative horse sh*t. (Sorry, that particular shtick triggers me.)
I’ve learnt that I can help myself better than my parents ever could.
My father is a covert narcissist. I struggle to this day with anxiety and depression and regulating emotions, setting boundaries, being independent, being confident in social situations...all because of him. I can probably count on my hand the times he actually outright hurt me (and they were bad) but I mostly just remember constantly having to second guess myself any time I confronted him with anything, I couldn't have a conversation with him about many things without feeling anxious, our whole family was isolated at home for years and I wasn't encouraged to be independent until I was a teen and then it seemed all at once, any advice I asked of him I got wierd answers to, he often treated me like I was silly or fat or stupid without ever saying so...the list goes on. My husband encouraged me to cut him off after our daughter was born, if not for that I probably never would have felt justified in kicking him out of my life. I am nearly 30 and I still struggle socially and anything new is terrifying and I feel kind of stuck in a wierd hyperemotional immature place. I feel like it takes a toll on me and my whole family because I am a wreck without exclusively appearing to be one.
I thought I was alone. I feel likeca child in an adults body. My father as yours.
You're not alone. I am like you too. 33 going on 34 and cannot drive. Jobless because of mental health struggles(both parents are covert narcs and sibling is the golden child). Know nothing about financial management. Unmarried. Self-isolate like crazy. Have very few friends. Narcissists are notorious for parentifying little kids and infantilizing adult kids- this is done to make sure that they can use you as a punching bag and keep you dependent on them forever.
It is normal to feel scared of trying out new stuff as an adult when your parent was a narcissist. Here's the tip- feel the fear but go for it anyway. Once you do it 2-3 times, you will gain some confidence. Then keep trying out new things and keep building upon it. Start out really really small. That way, you'll not overwhelm yourself. Cut contact with your father. Get the 'Self-esteem workbook' by Glenn Schiraldi and start working on it. Hope this helps. Good luck!
It takes time but you will be yourself
decision making is so hard. My parents installed a heaping dose of learned helplessness in me and my sibling, which is basically how they live their lives (sibling is in denial so is still living like this). Nothing can get better, nothing will ever change, and everything is bad. I've worked hard to undo this. No matter how they behaved towards me, it's all justified because they see themselves as victims.
My mom never listens to me when I express my feelings on something. She puts me down and always has to have her way. It makes me cry when I’m alone because I feel like no one cares about what I think. I had to move back with them recently bc if Covid and it’s really hard.
Dad always wanted me to be a "strong" boy, show no emotions, obey at all cost and be quiet. That only turned me into a depressed and resented adult :(
Aw, dude. Even if you had actually been all of those things, he would have just demanded something different of you. You're NOT the one with the problem, he is. These people will say literally anything as long as it's negative. The only goal is to tear you down.
I can’t stand adults that still live with their mommy until 30 and let their moms run their lives. However, looking at this video I now know why these things happen and have more empathy for this situation.
That's my current situation and honestly I want to kill myself
J.L. Tucker don’t say that! Things get better. You don’t have control over how you were raised, but you have control over the life you make for yourself as an adult. Slowly but surely, take control of your life and create the life you want to live for yourself. You can do you it :)
JL take care you can get through this, try making plans to leave without her knowing. Thinking of you , I have been there too. Karen x
@@j.l.tucker4614 hey, you have the last name Tucker. I know some Tuckers. Are you from Nebraska?
I am 24 degreeless , jobless and have been suffering from depression for 4 years I also have mild anxiety
When I was 13, my dad asked me what I wanted to do when I was older. I told him I wanted to sing, act, and maybe get into photography and writing. He laughed and said I’d never be successful in anything I did in life. I really lost myself and quit everything I loved. I became selectively mute, depressed, and had a lot of anxiety. But I did everything I could to make him happy and proud. I’d offer to take him out to eat or to the movies and he’d turn me down but go out with my brother to do those things. I went to college studying the same thing he did (to make him proud and also bc he told me to) and I ended up going into debt. It wasn’t something I was interested in and I was depressed from it all. I looked at my life and how my mom and brother were miserable as well. I wasn’t happy and my “family” wasn’t a “family”. I quit school, I moved to France, traveled the world, and I’m singing and acting again. I wanted to be daddy’s little girl all my life and I blamed myself for my relationship with my dad. But I finally let it go. I know he will never change but I can. I’m happier and free and I promised myself I’d never marry someone like him. I promised myself I’d always be there for my kids in the future. It was hard because he can come across as a loving and caring husband and father. But you’d never know how he really was unless you lived in that house with him. I’m still close with my mom and my brother and since I left, I’ve helped them have courage to take those steps in getting out as well.
Dear Effy, that sounds so familiar. Thank you for sharing your story 🌻
wow thanks for sharing. "because he can come across as a loving and caring husband and father. But you’d never know how he really was unless you lived in that house with him"...
True. The family just doesn't feel like a 'family' and home doesn't feel like the 'safe' and 'comforting' place it should feel like when you have a narc parent. I have two, sadly.
Similar story here: I was accepted into a competitive actors' conservatory to study theatre and acting. I was elated and it felt like such validation. My NFather crushed it with "But you'll never make any money. There are other, more talented people. You might be too tall to get cast. Don't they cut the first year class by half? There's no guarantee..."
Sandra Müller I’m sorry it’s familiar to you 💜 it took a lot for me to share. I don’t usually leave comments or anything. But I’m glad people can relate
My mother is a Narcissist, but before knowing that and listening to these videos. I somehow got my friends advice to stop communicating with her for a while. As he saw me being constantly upset after speaking to her over the phone. She even managed to do it remotely as we lived in different countries. After years (5 or so) of complete distancing, and just checking on her health and birthdays, my life became free of this toxicity, and I felt - Light. But the feeling of "Light" came after about 1 year which was quite hard, I was urging that year for a contact. Now I am very neutral. and it feels like being in amazing space after all.
“You change when you’re with your friends...” 😌😩
Yes! Definitely want to hear more about Emotional Blackmail.
Both my parents tick everything on this list. I’m so glad my husband has always been there and loved me through all my emotional trauma. I’m still learning but I know I’m not them 🥰
Oh we’re going to turn into our parents no matter how much we try to fight it. It’s the circle of life. The nature of conditioning. One day you’re gonna realize you became your mother and one day I’m gonna realize I became my father. It’s inevitable. All you can do is contain it and try to minimize it.
Aww, your husband seems like such a nice guy! Good for you :)
So happy for you ....
Both my parents show all this signs including my brother. Due to the pandemic im unable to leave my home and they are just adamant on me staying at home which is ridiculous
- it never happened
- you misunderstood or are overexaggerating
- you're too sensitive
I now understand why I feel lighter and happier after getting away from my parents and I don't have to feel bad about it
Can you do a video that's more in depth on emotional blackmail?
Love your videos so much Kati! You are such a positive light!
Yes I am definitely open to doing that :) xoxo
@@Katimorton wonderful!
It’s been over a year since I last talked to my dad and my mental health has never been better. You described him to a “t”. I’ve never once heard him say sorry for anything that he has done for me but I forgave him so I could move on with my life.
They will never say they are sorry because they truly believe they are not capable of doing anything wrong.
Our parents: "What would we have to apologize for? And least of all to our children."
Much of what you said is true about my mother. I was an intelligent child who did well at school - i became her "trophy" child. Whenever I tried to exert any kind of independence I was made to feel guilty and that I was hurting her feelings.
Eventually, as I grew older, I figured that what my mother suffered from was what I called "arrested development ". It was like she stopped developing emotionally at around the age of 10!
I wasn't slowed to form real relationships with other children. She even said to me " If you get invited to stay for tea at one of your friends I want you to say 'No' because I don't want to have to reciprocate! "
Later on, in my adult life, my aunt, who was a couple of years younger than her, told me how she would throw tantrums, even as a teenager, until she got her own way. Both my parents are dead now. The only time my mother ever told me she loved me was the week before she died.
Last night I watched this video. You cannot even imagine the impact that this has done to me. I cannot find the proper words to describe the freedom and gratitude I am experiencing just now. It’s overwhelming.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
It's bizarre but when I was younger, I related to characters in cartoon/children's shows who were orphans. I wasn't an orphan...didn't make any sense until I was much older and learnt more about neglect etc.
Ll me thinking I was adopted even though there was no proof of it
I was always wishing other females in my family to be my moms
Restrict your time and interactions with these people to maintain a healthy strong mindset. 🌈
Autumn tha biblophile yep! You may also find this video helpful!
czcams.com/video/Ze6YB1gCDYQ/video.html
Sometimes you can't restrict your time and interactions with them when you live with them...
😌
Oh they HUNT YOU Down and suck you into their vortex with an ungodly grafity that neither you nor light can escape.
My mom is 1.
I have been going through therapy the past month with my mom to confront her about stealing my identity my whole child hood, neglecting me, manipulative suic*** threats even recently, and constant lies and put downs. In therapy she dominates the sessions about herself and starts crying and hyperventilating, saying that she is too sick for all this and just wants the “fighting to end” but will NOT actually apologize. She will say “I HAVE apologized” I’m sorry BUT YOU MADE ME DO THAT” or “I’m sorry for ANYTHING I’ve done” the therapist says “she’s clearly upset, do you accept her apology??” And they act so shocked that I say NO, I will need something better than that.. an apology doesn’t put blame on anyone else. Im starting to realize that she will never be a person that I respect and through these videos I am coming to terms with cutting her out of my life and being FREE!
Famous quote from my parents "we gave you life, you are indebted to us. You owe us"
What about other unhealthy relationships with parents that aren't necessarily narcissistic? Perhaps if you confront them, they will act kind and good, but seem to forget that conversation later. They don't know or try to learn what is important to you. They don't teach you anything, even stuff that becomes necessary as you grow older, but expect you to figure it out on your own. Maybe they aren't detrimental towards you in person, but you hear them say enough negative things about others you worry they do it behind your back as well. Or maybe they aren't detrimental towards you, but also don't compliment you or say they love you. Parents that aren't outright abusive, but neglect your needs nonetheless.
I totally feel this! My parents have demonstrated a lot of the characteristics in this video over time, but most of the time they also seem capable of connection, love, empathy and being kind of reasonable. But ultimately I'm an adult, and they still don't respect my boundaries, and they still take all symptoms of my own bad mental health to be personal attacks on them. And they never apologize for lashing out or playing the victim. I don't know what to call them - they've caused me so much damage, but from what I understand they're only narcissist-like, not narcissistic.
Wow an accurate representation of my relationship with my parents glad I'm not the only one. It's so subtle yet suspicious but it makes you afraid to claim anything. It doesn't help if you have a decent suburban home because then people believe you're just ungrateful of your privileged position. I'm aware people have it worse but it's sad how I see healthy love and healthy families as alien concepts.
I feel this. my dad would mercilessly shame people behind their backs if he didn't like them or if they disagreed with him. I was so scared of him ever doing that to me that I just did and said everything he did. now I really struggle with not repeating that pattern with my other relationships.
Pi Owl - I think there can be subclinical narcissism or people with “narcissistic traits.” For instance, my mom, was raised by one (possibly two) narcissists and I think she picked up some of their habits. She was horribly manipulative, shaming, saw me as property and an extension of herself, would humiliate me... But to the outside world she seemed like the perfect mother. It was sneaky. She never had to reflect on her own FOG-like behavior until I grew much older and could communicate to her the consequences of her actions, and when she could see how her own actions were detrimental. I think the self reflection is key. Most narcissists are incapable of doing that with any sort of depth. My mom will never admit the full extent of the damage she’s done, but I am able to keep a relationship with her now with very firm boundaries. She’s matured and grown and though her old habits come back sometimes, I have also seen her make a real effort to resist them. I think an actual Narcissist would be totally incapable of this.
Neglect can be much more damaging than overt abuse. It leads you to second guess your own reality.
11:05 ... “I love you” , “you are important”, “I will take care of you”..... just hearing that alone made me tear up 😔
I never heard any of this from my caregivers, ever.. and sadly I don’t know if I ever will
My grandma is an expert at the guilt version of emotional blackmailing and playing the victim.
A whole video about emotional blackmail would be awesome
seconded!