8 Signs Your Mom is a Narcissist
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- čas přidán 22. 05. 2024
- We've talked a lot on this channel about childhood emotional neglect or unhealthy relationships with your parents or family. The truth is that growing up in dysfunctional homes can have lasting effects on our mental health. One of the comments I get a lot about is about having a narcissistic mom or dad or parent - and growing up with parents who may be a narcissist can be something that can deeply impact our relationship with self and the world around us. Narcissist parents or moms specifically begins to impact our self esteem, our ability to set healthy boundaries and we can adopt some of the same unhealthy patterns of our narcissistic mom (or dad). Did you grow up with a narcissistic mother or do you think your mom may be narcissist and not sure? Let's dive into the 8 signs that your mom or mother is a narcissist - and then make sure you stay tuned until the end of the video where I offer 5 tips to increase your relationship with your mom or 5 tips to help you deal with a mom who is a narcissist - so stay tuned until the end of the video. Did you find that you grew up where both parents were narcissistic or perhaps a guardian that was a narcissist - I can make more videos on the subject of narcissism if this is of interest to you!
Are you a narcissist? 8 common traits of narcissism : • Are you a narcissist? ...
The 3 types of narcissists : • The 3 Types of Narciss...
5 signs your parent is a narcissist : • 5 Signs Your Parent Is...
Having healthy boundaries with your mom or both parents will be crucial for you to recover, you can access my Healthy Boundaries workshop here: katimorton.com/the-shop/p/hea...
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My mother stopped me having a future. She "put her foot down" and demanded I stop college, forgo uni and work in a factory so I could pay her the rent I owed her for bringing me up for 16 years. I'm 50 now, she's still evil.
Wow that is really terrible I am so sorry..
She will not change. Cut her, get the education you deserve
Yes. I signed over my inheritance and co-signed her mortgage (including her line of credit). Meanwhile, my parents didn't even have life insurance. And now I feel like an idiot.
@@sabeaniebaby I am so sorry. If my mom was smarter she would have done the same thing. Sending hugs xx
Wow! My story is very similar to this! My adopted Mom definitely a Narcissist
My mother said to me one day " you owe me your life" and I responded..." I didn't ask to be born". I set boundaries and went no contact and I hear she is trashing me to all my relatives. No one sees it and you feel crazy and bad for setting boundaries. Be strong...it's worth it.
Yep. I've lost all my cousins who were my best friend since the ENTIRE world to her dragging my name for so many yes it's unbearably painful. And all the rest do not respect me whatsoever bcos of her bs.
Well done for getting rid.
My mum did the same thing to me. My brother is just like her. I no longer have contact with him after he had a breakdown I went to help him. As he sat rocking on his settee , the first thing he said to me was”you’ve put weight on “😳I put the comment to one side and my partner and I continued to go help him . He ended up attacking us.
I’m done!
@@racheldahliamusic
With all the respect.
The people who are convinced that easily of the shit told about you, without really checking on you first, and asking you personally if it's thru, are just to dumb and stupid anyways. No matter who they are.
They are just not worth it, and endangering your spiritual path of growth in your life.
Just thinking about it alone brings you enough negativity to slow you down significantly.
Thinking about this and being sad, weak, depressed and whatever more maybe
It's not your fault right ?
Also it's not on you to make things better...or is it ?
I recently got over this myself, and thought i share it here with you and whoever is reading along.
Also again, this really was with all the respect.
And just my personal opinion, i know 1+1 is not 2 in this complicated kind of things, and especially about family.
It's just that i can relate very much to this, and maybe it can help.
I've only realized my mum trash talks me.
I'm autistic and been getting rubbish from all my siblings, and it was increasingly vitriol.
Then it clicked when one sibling I got on with went instantly cold on me, and there was NOTHING epI did, not anything I could sympathise with to my sibling (who's alright). Only one explanation fit the bill.
My mum was gossiping.
Too long a story, but I'm ditching my family. Screw them. Some of them are decent people, but unfortunately, if I have one in my life, I must have them all.
My mother has never apologized. Even when she attempted to ‘apologize’ it ended with her cursing me and blaming shifting.
Imagine living with a family full of narcissists.
That's my life and family
Agreed, it’s very hard. Then I married my husband and his parents are narcissists. Now we are gaslit from all sides. It’s terrifying.
Yup. Story of my life.
Me too😢
Me too
You're not alone be strong and have your freedom
For those dealing with toxic parents… sending love hugs and support you are amazing and don’t forget it
Thank you💛
Thank you. We need it.
i hate i can relate to these points
Thank you so much.
I'm dealing with this as well
My mother was a Narcissist. She passed away a few years ago, and it was such a relief not having to deal with her bullshit any longer.
My mother died 2013 at 84. One happy day for me. Gaslit my entire life. Cruel and mean … but last 3 weeks of her life in hospice she was very kind. Total mind f.
Did you go to the funeral? Asking because I'm not sure I'll be going when it happens. IDK what to think.
@billyb4790 I did, but to be honest it was neither here nor there. I felt absolutely nothing other than a sense of relief.
@@johnthorp3649 were there lots of people there? It must have been weird dealing with them, no? I dread that.
@billyb4790 There was something like 50 people. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. In my case, my mother was alcoholic and was often nasty when drunk. So, a lot of people she knew had seen her worst behaviour at some point in time.
My mother made me hate myself. The way she speaks down on me always criticizing everything I do
mine to. but i came to the realization that I have a lot to offer. and a lot of great redeaming qualities. i focus on that. i will never be perfect nor you and thats okay because we are humanes. her dislike in you is her problem, not yours. ignore it, and know that you are you, and thats perfectly fine. and you are great the way you are, and fuck it if she not satified. she made 50% of you. so if there is anything about you that she dose not like, its at least half her fault. LOL i am good person with morals. i refuse to any longer worry about what anyone including my thinks. as long as at the end of the day i know i was my wonderful self, i can sleep well. hUgs and love to you
Beautifully said. @@amc5936
get revenge bro, it's perfectly okay
But we are in charge of our feelings, not them. I used to say "they made me feel.." until I had attended alanon over some alcoholic behaviors are.
My mother has given me the silence treatment for 8 years, over a minor misunderstanding. It was painful to accept that she doesn’t love me, but it also set me free.
This was my mother's moi. She was always threatening to send me away to boarding school. I used to get down on my knees and beg her not to. When I was 8 I realised boarding school cost money and they always said they had no money, so I called her bluff and said I wanted to go. The boarding school threats stopped. Sometimes I would leave for school she would say goodbye then when I returned in the afternoon, she would ignore me. This could go on for a couple of weeks till I begged her to forgive me (I never knew what I'd done wrong). When I got to 9 I thought of the boarding school success so decided I wasn't going to beg forgiveness I would just leave it in the hopes she would stop ignoring me for long periods. This failed spectacularly and she never spoke to me again on friendly terms until she realised as I grew up i could prove beneficial to her. I could go on but won't. Safe to say raising my own children I thought of what my mother did then did the opposite.
Maybe she felt the same way that you didn't love her
Woww thats my mom lol
@@phyllislewis8666 Well, she’s a narcissist, so unless I am complying with every demand of hers, she probably doesn’t believe I love her. 🤷🏻♀️
@@stefaniivanova8465 I’m sorry to hear that. I know how painful it is, so I hate the thought of anyone else experiencing it.
It’s even harder when you’re the only one who can see they’re a narcissist. My mum is perfectly nice to everyone else but narcissistic towards me, and whenever I tell anyone who knows her they think I’m overreacting.
EDIT: To everyone replying “same for me” or “that’s just like my mom/dad” or something like that, I just want to say I’m so sorry for all the BS you went through/continue to go through, and how much it must hurt knowing no one else seems to be on your side. I know exactly how that feels. Everyone seems to worship my mum (for her intelligence, her generosity, her sense of humour, her ability to handle her so called “retarded kids” that she always rants about to her friends…) and there’s times where I just wanna scream everything she’s done from the rooftops and just break down crying, (but that would be no use anyway. Knowing my mum, she’d probably just get away with telling everyone I’m deranged or some shit).
It got to the point where I thought there was no point in trying anymore. What’s the use? No one would believe me, not my teachers, not my family, and even my siblings who have also been at the receiving end of her abuse always find a way to forgive her (she’s very manipulative). I started think that maybe they were right, maybe _I’m_ the crazy one, and even if I’m not, what’s the use?
I won’t get into any triggering details, but it got so bad that I started having some very dark thoughts.
*WARNING: THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPH CONTAINS A VERY MUSHY, CORNY MESSAGE FOR YOU SO IF YOU’RE NOT THE KIND OF PERSON WHO LOVES SOPPY AFFECTION PLEASE DO NOT READ ON* (this is just a joke. Honestly please DO read on. Peace ✌️)
It hurts reading these replies and realising so many people are going through what I go through, but in a weird way, it’s also comforting to know I’m not the only one. I just wanna wrap you all in a big hug. Just know I’m fighting for all of you from the corner 🙌. *I REALLY HATE to get all mushy and corny, and this is going to sound corny as hell* , but know that _I’m_ on your side. _I’m_ that one person that’s standing by you, even when no one else believes you. _I’m_ the one person rooting for you to get through this, even when no one else will. Even if I don’t know you guys, I hope that’s enough for you to stay strong.
Sending you all a big hug ⊂(・﹏・⊂)
Xoxo
Jumi
Same here……
It was the same for me
Same for me. My mom says her friends have no idea what I’m talking about cause she’s a kind & amazing person. She is to her friends but not to me. She has her good moments, I’ll give her that but she’s made my life hell. I feel like I’ve gone crazy always second guessing if I’m actually the one in the wrong
@@tiacuff9204 Same! I always wonder if I'M being the selfish one, if I'M the bad daughter, because no one seems to see my side.
Same here. It’s always my fault. Look up info on the family scapegoat
The biggest slap of all is when you have kids of your own, have natural affection and care for them, and are forced to ask yourself, “what was wrong with me? Why didn’t she care about me like this?” Her narcissism is it’s own punishment, though because, sadly, she will never feel the joy that I feel sharing life with my own daughter and watching what she makes of herself.
I struggle with this as well. Years of therapy and it helped me so much. But now as a parent myself I keep asking myself this. And I keep wondering how come my mother can’t share love with her grandkids. But in fact she does almost the same with them as with me. I don’t know why I expected her to be more loving towards my kids than towards me. I come to the same conclusion, it’s her loss. But it’s so so sad.. Another slap here is that my mother thinks she’s a great grandmother. But that I’m being difficult
Same.
@Alejandra Poch Yes! Same here. Zero interest in any of her grandkids! Impossible to understand. It's great that we can enjoy them though, so that definitely mitigates a lot of the negatives.
Yes, my narcissistic mother actually told me (while I was hugging my adopted toddler and telling her that I don’t know how I ever lived without her)
“You won’t always feel like that. Just wait until she’s 13. You won’t feel like you lived without her.”
EVIL
Wow this comment really spoke to me, why didn't she like me! 😢😢😢
When I brought up something my mother once said, she answered “I could never said that nonsense”. I didn’t know it’s gaslighting. Thanks for the vid!
Or the convenient excuse "I don't remember that!" (if you bring up what she said/did that traumatized you and you'll never forget it)
That's so true, I've heard "I don't remember that", "oh, it wasn't like that", "you're thinking about it wrong", or just huffing puffing eye rolling contempt and disdain
@@bereal6590 it is rhetoric like that that led me to questioning my own memory and not trusting it for years.
@@strongrex2615 yes same here, it 😩 when you wake up to the truth of the matter. Take care 🤗✌️
I would never ever say such a thing... (Over and over)
The best compliment I have ever received from my mother was when she said, “I always thought you were my “Mini-Me”. Come to find out that it isn’t you, it’s your brother. You’re nothing like me, no matter how hard I tried.” Thanks Mom! I appreciate that more than I can ever say! ❤
Exactly🎉
Exxactlyyyy
I'm guilty of #4 and #5 with my kids. I am so glad I saw this video, so I can correct those things now. Thanks!
Good job! Way to take responsibility! You've got this! :)
please, do what you can to avoid hurting your children in this way. I'm a daughter, 19, and struggle every day with consequences.
@@kg3185 Thanks! I am working on it. I wish I would have seen this video sooner, but I guess it is never too late to make a change.
@@michalinabieszczad9752 Yes, the video was eye opening for sure, and I am trying to avoid making these mistakes moving forward. I have also apologized to my kids for making them when I saw this video. My Mom left my family when I was 7, and one of the reasons I do not talk to her now is she does not show me any love or support. She literally does not even respond when I tell her I love her. I do not want that for my kids, so I will do better.
I also have heard my parent’s voice coming out of my mouth. I apologize immediately. It’s horrible.
For years, my sister would tell me that our mother was a Narcissist. On the one year anniversary of my mother's death, a cousin called me and said, "what a sad day"...and, although I thanked her and 'agreed', I wasn't the least bit unhappy. My mother checked 7.5 out of 8 signs. And, OMG, everyone LOVED her. I was always told how lucky I was to have her as my mother, but nobody knew just how toxic she was to her children. A few months before she died at age 92, I tried to sit down with her to see if we could reconcile with a couple of issues that had deeply scarred me; sadness and hurt she inflicted on me that I have been carrying around for more than 40 years. I wasn't expecting a heartfelt apology, but was perhaps hoping for some acknowledgement on her part that maybe she regretted doing what she did or something like that. Instead, I was met with complete RAGE while she tried to gaslight me in believing that she was the victim. This video explains a lot.
Oh it's incredibly scary. Especially because of how compartmentalised it is. We expect people with serious personality issues to be obvious and to be bad to everyone. But narcissists in particular are so good at manipulation and isolation that they often manage to complete DARVO at the community level. They have everyone thinking the victim is actually the abuser. It's sick.
My mother is 84 and dad 92, he’s only just becoming debilitated with age and she is in turmoil with the injustice of him not pulling his weight so much. I’m guessing she has no idea how mean she is, meanwhile dad says ‘poor mum has to do everything’ I know she’s spitefully reminding him morning, noon and night that he’s an unfair burden. I have no idea how she would respond to me confronting her, your mother’s reaction has shown just how that one might play out!
Here here
Same. I’m learning that it’s common that they want to be seen by the public as really great people. My mother taught school. I heard that a lot how lucky I was to have her for a mother. Funny as a kid you don’t even realize your being abused and neglected, and you don’t get a chance to have a life unless you can get the hell away from them. My mother sent me tho a psychiatrist when I was 20- she was alway telling me that there was something wrong with me. My first clue- the psychiatrist told me to get as far away from my mother as I could- then he told her that. She yelled about it and the $ she spent all the way home. 😂😂I didn’t of course get away till about I guess 8 years later. Then ended up living with her off and on till I figured out how toxic it was. Always found a controlling man to replace her.
I am 56 years old and I have always felt guilty for hating my mother when so many others have thought of her a sawonderful human being. It wasn’t until the day my younger sister died in July of 2023 that I realized that I was not the problem. While my sister was dying on a bed at the hospital emergency room my mom wanted to gather the whole family and go to a restaurant and have a feast. After 56 years I realized that something was wrong and finally after much research I determined that my mom is a malignant narcissist and she will never empathize with anyone. She felt that way when my sister was dying and she will feel the same way when my time comes, if I go before her…
My mum's favorite phrase was ''You're living under my roof! this is my home not yours! I pay the bills!'' It always made me feel so unwelcome..
She'd say it during the smallest arguments. Like one time when I asked her to stop talking on phone while we were watching TV. And sometimes she'd add "If you don't like it then you can move out." And "But if you do then I never want to see you again."
Lots of parents say that.
You didn't say what the context of this comment was though. If you are acting like a brat and being disrespectful then your mother was absolutely right to point out she it was her roof and her paying the bills. Obviously if she had you paying the bills that would be different. Just saying you left the context out there so it's hard to know who was right or wrong in that situation
That is what my father used to say to me. And if i didnt like it there were 4 different doors to the house i could walk out from.
@@mysticflower4321 I'M SO SORRY FOR THE LONG REPLY. Ok, so for more context (Which I will edit into my original comment). I'm not talking about "I didn't get this or that" tantrums. I could ask my mum for the smallest things and she'd freak out.
My mum have/has?? a bad habbit of talking on the phone while looking at the TV. One day I asked her if she could stop talking on the phone while we were watching TV, and her reply was the usual. "You're living under my roof!" Etc etc. I wasn't a brat when I was younger (believe it or not) because long story short, my mum broke my will to live, and she made me believe that no one else genuinely cared about me. She'd mostly use it to excuse her bad behavior.
And honestly even if a child is a brat, that's not ok to say imo. When a family lives together it's THEIR home, a child thrives best when they know that they're welcome. My mum would also say "You can move out if you don't like it here." And "But if you do then I never want to see you again". My mum was so hostile that not only did I lose friends at school, they wouldn't even dare to come home to me after school.
My mum sent me to school even when I was sick, and then complain when my teachers sent me home again.
I was asked 5 times by my teachers during junior-high if they were going to call CPS, and I regret talking them out of it.
I have a long list of f-ed up things she has done, but I don't want to take up any more of your time. If you have made it this far, thank you for reading this. I've cut all contact with my mum and I haven't spoken to her for 2 years now.
@@felicitygrace5113 I'm so sorry for hearing that Felicity.
My mother checks off all eight of these. Yet, it's still had for me to accept that she really is a narcissist and I'm not just in a pity cycle. One thing both my parents typically say when this topic comes up is "you have your memories, we have ours." Basically, my memories don't mean squat.
I wish I had stayed away from my mother years and years ago. I went no contact three years ago. It was the best thing I have ever done. I can see now that she was a monster. The only times she did anything for me was to keep me close in order to use me.
@@Cla-ev1xpyou just explained my life 😢
You memories mean everything because they are yours. They are gaslighting you to make you feel crazy.
Narcissists have their memories, yes, because they rewrite life the way they imagine it should be. They seek to correct everyone that presents them as less than perfect. This isnt reality. Your memories are true. Yours are factual. Trust yourself.
Anytime I bring up past memories that still leave me with nightmares I’m met with “you remember everything so wrong, you like to make stuff up.” It’s insane how easy it is for them to disregard our memories yet when it comes to them remembering something bad you did when you were 5 you have to play along despite being 5 and most likely not remembering :/
I feel so bad for people who deal with narcissistic parents, I hope you all are able to find the peace and happiness that you deserve
It's a weird feeling when a complete stranger says something almost on a whim and it's so much more caring than what comes out of your own mother
Thank u!
Thank you! 🌺
It’s aggravating to
Thank you
My relationship with my mother was fine as long as I kept people pleasing and doing everything for her. When I stopped and started setting boundaries, the claws and delusions came out. The biggest joke ever was when she used the "after all I've done for you". Please... I've been carrying your ass since I was 16 years old and finally mustered enough self-respect to say no a decade later. I'm only 26 years old but I can already see the effects this relationship and the extreme emotional neglect has had on my body and mental health. I can't even imagine where I would be in another 10 years, if I hadn't 'woken up'.
Traums... "After all I've done for you".
Unless you were a demonic child, it's unfair to say. You did demand to be brought into the world from beyond the womb...
lol
well done for waking up, it's not easy, from my experience, it's like you're swimming against the tide, you feel the pull to go back to the "safe harbour", but you know if you don't get back to the shore, you'll drown. Again, very well done, you've reached the shore, much love Survivor xx
You would be in where I am now. I am 45...and still struggling with that pull.
Thank you for describing how a lot of us feel, actually. The last part was just, necessary. It's already hard now, but I can't imagine what would happen to me if I didn't started no contact. Once I "was out" I felt like a kid seeing the world for the first time. Such a weird and painful experience. I wish you the best in life, thanks for showing vulnerability.
I am so sick of having this kind of people in my life. So sick of it.
I remember reading about fight or flight responses in children, It said a child that knows they are important and loved and not at fault for everything in the world are 100% more likely to scream, fight, escape a kidnapping than a child of a narcissist. That hit me like a brick, I knew in my heart if someone pulled up to me and grabbed me or simply said “Get in the car” I would have gone. My immediate thought would be to not make a sound, do whatever a GROWN UP says or I would be blamed, shamed and grounded for months for making a scene! I swear to God, I would never have thought I was important enough to run from danger because I would have somehow brought it upon myself!!!! That was my thinking as a child and teen.
The article said to make sure your children know how important they are! I was never important to her, I was a stupid, ugly, worthless person that no one would miss. I was told that. I could hear the words, “No one is going to want you, look at yourself.” Then the hearty laugh came after and always in front of someone. Well, I did get some satisfaction when I became the Mother she could never be. I think it confused and enraged her at the same time. Let your children know just how important, loved, handsome or beautiful they are to you. No matter what. Thank you. ✌️🙏❤️
Thank you for sharing the example with the car. It hit some strings.
And thank you for sharing your story. You survived through neglect and have become a loving parent to your child ❤️ I wish you good luck!
I was trashed to my little boy so much from her, he can't stand me and has told me I'm the narcissist. Haven't seen my grandkids for 3 years because of her telling my grandkids crap. I hope she has to pay for the mess she caused me. I'm " no contact". I hated being the hated scapegoat!!!!!
@joey5816 I was trashed like that too. My parents were both narcissists and then I married one!!! My ex has poisoned my kids against me and as with you, I am the one who is a narcissist. I haven't seen or heard from my children for 12 years. I was the scapegoat for his bad behaviour. They are Adults, but are never far from his clutches. They both work for his very successful corporation, and its hard to say, but money is more important than their Mother. They are true narcissists themselves. Sad. As for my parents, my father passed in 2021 and my 83 year old mother now lives in a different country. They are both dead to me. I removed the toxicity from my life. I have peace now and love myself for the first time in my life. It was a long long journey but I hope that you find a healing path as I did. God Bless.
When I was 12. I had just got to my house after running an errand when a car pulled up and the driver asked me to get in so I could "have a lift home". I refused because I was outside my house and thanked him, but I was already home, so it made no sense. He tried to persuade me, but all I could say was I didn't need a lift as I was home. He then drove off very quickly. Despite all the warnings at school etc, I know I would have got in the car if it was not for the fact that I was at home, because I was always too frightened to say no to adults. I still get chills down my spine thinking about it.
I wish we had you tubers like you in my youth. I wasted my life without knowing anything about narcissism.
Ditto.
❤
Takes so long to figure it out, amazing to look back and see it so clearly. Hard part is knowing that past is lost, a big part of a narcissist is to rob you of your time. That’s why they kill your dreams and ambitions, they know youth is valuable, and they see the positivity in you and want to rob you of it for as long as possible.
Me too. Couldn't even say the word 'depression' without clearing the room and anyone near for miles. Therapy was for crazy people and never really knew what went on behind people's closed doors.
Same here! I could not understand what was going on with my mother until I had a relationship that reveal ed itself as to what my boyfriend was. Meanwhile I found myself saying "you and my mother are a lot alike". Not realizing why they were alike until God revealed it to me no one else. I heard the words "He is a narcissist" and looked the word up. Oh my God his picture and my moms should be side by side the meaning.
I noticed a flip side to number 7 in my mother. Instead of being better, competition can be over who's worst. No matter what was going on for me, what she was going through was always worse. If I was sick or in pain, hers was always more. When I was depressed and lonely, she had to prove she was worse and would even turn to self injurious behaviours infront of me.
Thought I'd share this other side of the coin.
This is such a good point - a lot of disordered/narcissistic people prefer pity as their “supply” when they can’t get admiration … they just want to be the most of everything, even if it’s the most terrible. Being raised by someone like this is just downright unfair, all kids deserve to have unconditional love from at least one source in this cruel world 🫤
Agreed. My mom does the same thing.
Hit home for sure
I hear ya, same
Yep I’m not allowed to bring up how she abused me. She has to one up me with how much more terrible her childhood was. F’ing annoying
Don't forget #9: She will constantly pit her children (siblings) against each other. My sisters and I were always fighting and we could never understand why until we figured that it was mom! It's crazy, but true.
My 5'2" mother felt the need to inform me (regularly) that she never weighed over 100 pounds until she got pregnant. She started this right after I topped 100 pounds at 12 years old (and was already 5'4"). It led to me intentionally skipping meals when I was 15 for a summer.
I ended up stopping when I didn't lose any weight and I realized it was pointless. I just didn't have any fat to lose. My doctor was also commenting at the time that I was underweight for my height, so I did have that bit of positive reinforcement.
My narc stepmother was constantly telling me I was too skinny. No o wasn't, I was normal. Her own daughter she was constantly calling fat even at the age of 3 or 4. Guess what? Her daughter became super mega obese. First she would tell her she was too fat, then she would give her chocolate when she cried. I was 12 and I said to my stepmother," are you trying to drive her crazy?" She didn't like that
😂
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My stepmother pulled the same crap on my half sister. She Reacted differently to you and became morbidly obese.
OMG. My 5'3" mother told me the most she ever weighed was 112, except for during her pregnancy. She only gained 16 pounds with me, and I was born early at five pounds, five ounces. She told me multiple times that I was fat at 135 pounds. I've been dieting my whole life because of it.
8 out of 8, sadly. I went "no contact" 5 years ago and it helped tremendously! When I have moments of guilt for cutting off contact, I think of one of the horrible things she's said or done to me or my own children and that reminds me I made the right decision. I am not suddenly healed or healthy. I have anxiety, depression, and even nightmares, but I don't have new things to add to list of hurt from her.
Same and 14 years, good luck you on this journey.
100% same with me. I shut mine out 2 years ago and I mourned, but in general, I'm much happier.
Get some help: books, courses, CZcams videos, therapists - all help heal!
So sorry. This is what I fear, if I keep her close, what is she gonna do to my future children?
I have exactly the same , I cut my mom off 2 years ago, wish I had done it sooner. It’ll get better.
I have just bawled my eyes out! I’m 50, and my mum is a narcissist. This makes me so emotional and angry
same here, and I am 60. I couldn't see it earlier, because I thought I had an idealic childhood...now I know I was just an extension, until she turned on me.
I just had the exact same reaction. I'm 48 and it doesn't stop hurting with age.
Just turned 56. And mine just emotionally demolished me yet again ON my birthday. No day is sacred with this one. She speaks to me with vile hatred in her voice and then tells me I’m making it up if I point it out. This time tho, I think something in me broke. The next time she does it may be the last time she ever hears my voice again. Also my sister and her horrible family who live near her (I’m in another state) and treat HER with disrespect, have also wildly disrespected me over and over and over until I could take no more so none of us speak anymore. But somehow she also twists that situation to be all my fault even tho I have talked and cried to her about how horrible they’ve been to me for no reason for years. How heartbreaking it’s felt being treated like 💩 by people I’ve never been anything but nice to. They all only saw me once a year and I showed up every time with smiles and gifts. But she will not even talk to her own child about how they’ve essentially shut the whole family dynamic down with their bizarre treatment of me and how much it’s hurt to realize so many people literally do not care at ALL about me.. all because SHE needs them to do stuff for her, or for people to visit with because she has no friends. So instead of sitting my sister down and saying hey, what the hell is going on with you guys acting like this? Straighten it out and apologize. Stop being so horrible… she says nothing. She let me go. Her mindset is oh well, I can’t risk giving up having someone to come change smoke detector batteries or my AC filters for free just in case they get mad at me for pointing out what they’ve done to this family, so I guess I’ll never see that o other daughter again. 🤷🏻♀️
I’ve been scared to look these videos up because I assumed it would feel terrible to finally see the diagnosis all out there with no denying it. I was wrong. In other’s stories I am finding comfort. I’m so sorry anyone has had to go through what I go through. There are so many people out there who should not have ever had kids. ❤
@@van_antwerpen Sometimes it feels like they make these morons at one factory, in one batch. So much in common. When I was reading your story, I was like reading my own. Toxic crazy mom, shitty elder brother etc etc. But in my case it's only the tip of the iceberg, because I know a bit about several previous generations of my family. And it's shocking. Crazy abuse, alcohol, suicides etc etc. So it doesn't form in a vacuum. The only good thing is that I'm not like them. I cannot even understand how people can be such pieces of shit.
Anyway, stay strong!
There are a lot of us. Please google around and locate a therapist who has videos about the dynamics of NPD and be educated. They have terminology for this condition and it will free you to know we are real and there's others who've been abused in this way. In my case I was the scapegoat (only daughter, eldest of 5)and my eldest bro is the golden child. She created so much division in our family which is hard to overcome. We are like strangers. She's now in a board and care with Alzheimer's wondering why no one visits. I do go, because its the right thing to do. Every time I leave she curses me and tells me to never come back. Ever. I smile inside as I realize she can't hurt me anymore. Be strong, friends. Get to where you care less. Not all relationships will be this hurtful. Love and be loved.
Every time I see articles/videos like this, as a mother I take away what I did wrong in raising my kids (who are adult children) and what I could have done better. My stance is to work on myself to continually be a better person and yes I have messed up. Thank you
No one is perfect, the fact that you care shows you did your best and are a loving mom in that
This shows that you are not narcissistic.. The fact that you are taking responsibility and righting your wrongs. Narcissists are unable or unwilling to do this. They lack in emotional intelligence.
This is not narcissistic behavior. You sound like my mom who was just trying her best to raise me and my bro (unfortunately both of us are mentally screwed), but she had no other role models and the examples she did have were toxic so…generational trauma 😬
I hope you can feel better with these comments, you are definitely not a narcissist, the fact that you feel bad for the mistakes you made, WOW, I wish I could have that from my mother. You are simply human, mistakes are human, and working to improve is human! I applaud your efforts. It is about empathy, that is what narcissistic mothers never show, they are always the victim. I wish you all the best with your kids and hope you all can make amends.
I'd also recommend reaching out and apologizing specifically for your past wrongs. I'm sure your adult children would appreciate it.
My mom passed away and I feel so much anger now for the first time in my life!! I could never be honest with her while she was alive. Had such a superficial relationship with her. Just hope I will heal with time.
Forgive her; not for her but for yourself. Forgive yourself for everything you didn’t say as well. Hope peace finds you.
actually don't forgive her! FEEL it all! You owe it to YOU, you'r emotions are valid! And no one can go and say "you should forgive her", NO! Big hugs! An outraged stranger who feels similar
The saddest thing is that today I feel like I'm more a professional survivor of narcisistic people than actually the things I chose for myself.
Same.
That's deep! Never thought of it like that.....
Gag. I feel the same, dammit. I got a degree that I didn't want.
This....wow
Ouf..same here man. Painful..
1:00 #1 Sees you as an extension of her
2:02 #2 She can dish out tons of criticism, but can’t take any of it herself
3:08 #3 She shares private information about you with others without your permission
4:26 #4 She holds basic parental duties over your head
5:47 #5 She doesn’t respect boundaries
7:31 #6 Will constantly tell you that you are remembering things wrong
8:57 #7 She always competes with you
9:33 #8 She is always the victim
5 Healthy Ways to Heal:
11:02 #1 Setting healthy boundaries
11:56 #2 Inner child work
13:02 #3 Look for ways it affects your life today
14:18 #4 Grieving the relationship that we didn’t get
15:22 #5 Improve your self talk
no.1 extension of her, would mean you are still seen as, maybe like a hand, as in pain will still hurt. I see it more as we are just things, things to be used. Like a hammer.
It's like you have met my mother
all 8 fully there! I guess I've finally got a diagnosis for my mother
Thank you
Is your whole shtick mommy bashing?
My mom straight up told me she had kids to love her, not the other way around.
I could never have friends, my choices were based off of her likes and dislikes. Her taste in everything. Even preventing me from working to keep me closer to her and now I'm 33 learning life skills of a 20 yr old.
I always knew something was different about my mother but I didn’t realize until about 4/5 years ago that I was raised by a narcissistic mother. It’s a painful realization but it helped me really start my healing journey.
Same here 😢 learning how to heal
Yep. I knew she had struggles with mood swings and likely some depression but a light bulb went off a few years ago and now I can't unsee it.
@@saravw1 I understand more then you know her last words to me was I can’t wait to be an old lady so I can torture you the rest of your life. I guess God had enough she passed a couple of months later.
My therapist from 35 years ago told me after I said that my parents had a very hard life, "They may have had sad stories, though it wasn't what you needed." I never forgot those words. So, I ended the hurtful legacy by being the parent I always wanted, for my son. What I got in return is an amazing relationship that I had hoped we would have while he was growing up.
You're lucky.
That was the mentality I have, “being the mother to my children that I always wanted.” My relationship is great with my kids.
@athena3865 Same here!
thanks for being a great parent.
we often hear "being a mother is the hardest job in the world" , i would like to say being a good parent is the hardest job in the world as anyone can have children but not many can raise them right
Their sad stories weren’t what the daughter needed? They were supposed to lie?
Crazy talk
This is my mother (her father was an absolute monster in the worst ways). I cut all contact with her 10 years ago. The rest of my family too. Loads of love to all who have lived with and survived the narc mother, especially as their scapegoat.
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I can't stand the abuse.....I am tired to exist
@@lilac624how are you doing? ❤
Same- I cut them all off 20 plus yrs ago after a major situation that ruined my life… it was so painful….
You have other ppl like me and others who know the pain your not alone.
I would always tell them when I was a toddler that I wished I was never born. I also asked if I was adopted when I was three - I had hopes that my real and loving parents were somewhere out there. My disappointment in learning that they were my parents has been with me my entire life.
I had to "borrow" my friend's parents. They were caring and kind. Find yourself a loving friend that can make up some of the difference. It helped me through the worst of times. I could visit them and pretend my family didn't exist.
I also felt like this as a child. I was convinced my mother had lied about who my father was and had taken the wrong baby home from the hospital. That was the only thing that made sense to me. There was no way I belonged to my family.
One of my earliest memories (pre-school age) is asking my mom if I was adopted. I’d just been told what that meant and it seemed to explain her favouritism for my brother. Needless to say she was very annoyed with me. Heavens above! Why would you comfort a child that shows signs of feeling unloved?
I also asked if I was adopted. She said yes. She told me my mom was the large nurse down the hall that was a different ethnicity.
I first ran away at two. I last ran away at 16. I think I was 9 when I questioned whether I was adopted; secretly wished it but knew it wasn't true.
I had to fight with my mom for months so she would stop doing my laundry and cleaning my room without asking. Somehow I was the monster for not being appreciative of her still wanting to raise me like a kid even though I was 18. She would even hold it over my head if I did something wrong, saying I was unappreciative of all she does for me despite begging for her to stop “helping” me. She cleaned my room and argued with me about it til the day she died. Will never understand how you can love someone so much and value control over them instead of respect.
My mother used to do the same to me. A few times she even took clean clothes from my room (that were obviously clean and ironed and folded in a pile) and washed them. I was again ungrateful and all the bad things for being angry about it and and for asking her to not 'help'.
I used to think I was crazy and ungrateful for not wanting people cleaning my room. It’s my space ! Don’t touch my dirty underwear ! I don’t want you knowing where I hide my diary.
I even developed a fear of writing my thoughts down because if it’s on paper, someone’s gonna read it eventually. And those are my thoughts.. my personal feelings, The only thing I can keep away from people. So I even kept those to myself to.
Wouldn't surprise me if she was snooping.
6 out of 8, and people think I'm crazy for telling them my mother is a narcissist...
denial is 'normal'. You probably need to be more careful about who you confide in. Test the waters before you decide to entrust people with this knowledge. There is a lack of information, so many people have no idea about these things. They may be in denial of their own situation, and therefore 'protecting' themselves from what you make evident to them. They may be someone who aids a narcissist, or a covert narcissist themselves. Lots of narcissists have a VERY carefully prepared public persona, so what you say about their real self jars with the image
Mine is 8/8 if her video was longer i bet it would have been a 100% too lol.
I mean whatever you tell them they are always in denial so i dont even try anymore
I hear you, bro
Same here, my mother (and dad) could win an international prize for being super narcissist
People have no idea what happens behind doors! Don't listen to them
One of the most disheartening things for me was when people would defend my mom even when she was clearly doing horrible things to me in public. People don't want to see what's in front of them because then they'd have to feel guilty about not doing anything... it seemed that it's much easier for them to deny a childs suffering than to intervene.
Both of my parents were narcissists. Sometimes when I’m grieving the relationships I didn’t have, I truly feel being an orphan would have been easier or better.
I am an orphan and no, not the same.
@venanziocalise946 please don't come here invalidating ppls experiences. That's not what this place is for. Have a blessed day.
Believing that there are perfect relationships out there is what makes you grieve and may delay your healing. It's the illusion that entraps us and becomes our daily hell.
Omg. I relate to your thoughts. I honestly feel exactly the same. My mother died recently, and she had been very ill for years. 84. My sister and I were her 24/7 caretakers. No one else until hospice, at home! 6 years! Now, I am ready for my 84 year old dad to leave. They have no friends, no one comes over, it's just 3 of us now. I'm 58 now. I had to quit my job to be mom's caretaker. I'm glad I did it because I'm strong asf! I am empowered because my narcissistic dad knows if he crosses my boundaries after this, I will fuck him over!! ❤
Having Both Narc parents is like being an Orphan because you’ll have to cut off all your family and relatives.
When you’re the Scapegoat…..
So, yes when one doesn’t have a mom or dad….. they are an orphan, basically.
But, if you Accept Jesus as your Savior…. God is your Father and you’re no longer an orphan :)
-signed
Daughter of the King
Guilt trips and manipulation are the sure tell signs of a narcissist. People who truly love you would never try to guilt trip or manipulate another's feelings to provoke a response. Great video.
I had been watching YT videos on narcissists for about a year, and had suspected for several months that my mom is a narcissist. Watching your video made everything clear to me: I recognize all eight signs in her. Thank you.
Me too!
My mother fit every category. She told me how hard she worked to have my diapers as white as snow, flirted with my boyfriends, told her friends and the relatives about a part of my anatomy I thought wasn't normal, made fun in front of my father that I didn't need my first bra, referred to my first house as a chicken coup compared with her house, nothing I had was as good as her stuff, told me I could change my mind the day before I got married. She called me a dumb cluck as a child and made me think I was stupid. I'm 78 years old now and still deal with feelings of inferiority.
I grasp your hand, dear. How awful our mothers could be.
😢 I'm so sorry! ❤
You've learned a lot from all this, and can have an informed and bright future.
I hope you found happiness and true love from someone ❤❤❤you deserve it. 😊
68 here. Mom’s been gone 18 years…/. I still hear her and see her face in her anger…. I left at 17 and limited contact, moving 2500 miles away..
She was a victim in her youth as well.
I credit my oldest daughter with stopping our dreadful cycle.
Some parts don’t heal but our lives are so much better.
Counseling has played a great role in our growth, communication and happiness. Please if you find yourself in this trap. Reach out and work on solutions. It will be worth it. Hugz for all who suffer this way.
The "I didn't ask to be born" jab definitely came out a lot in my teens. Boy, did my mother hate that.
It's definitely a great comeback for all the guilting, seriously knocks em down a peg.
😂 my own nutter of a mother hated it when I said that too.
Also I once told her that it was my parents
who made me & not the other way around
She didn't appreciate that either.
Anyway fck Your nut case mother.
You're lovely and I'm glad You were born
You are more than what You think You are
Love and kindest of regards 🕊
My mom just hits me with the "So you want to be dead? is that what you're saying? what are you, suicidal?"
@@lolunicornsaj8907 jesus. I'm so sorry.
I remember couple of times when my mother told me she didn't want to have me but my father told her no discharge like I don't understand how she finds it funny to say such shit to all the family
I can't tell enough how painful it is to have a narcissistic mother..my heart is breaking 😢
♥️😞 it can be a rough situation
My mom was a victim of childhood s*xual abuse and also other forms of abuse, and so was I (I don't want to downplay her experiences but my abuse was worse than hers though...). When I grew up it was like I was her parent and now she feels proud of being the caretaker (although I'm an adult!) and she's so strong for having a mentally unstable child with autism (me). She can never take criticism and I'm the sick and disabled one in the family, and everyone should look up to her for being a strong mother... I hate her and love her at the same time.
The LOVE part comes from YOU. The HATE part comes from HER, and her tormentors. You're too good to hate. She put that into you. Easier to smash a chair to pieces than to build one. You're the strong one. Ask for healing, God will help you, as He's helping me right now. Peace be with you, you had the wrong mother, you should have had someone like you.
Yes I agree. My mother acts like she loves me but we always have the same argument and it truly makes me realize she doesn’t care. I’ve attempted suicide 5 times and most of the time she has forced me to stay home and not go to the hospital, once I fought her over my bag with my ID and insurance in it and had to walk to the ER. Crazy things but somehow I still love her and want her approval. It’s rough.
I never realized my mom was toxic until after she died. When I had my own children, all the memories of all the pain and things I would NEVER to do my kids came pouring back in. Stuff I had forgotten about. She treated me horribly and allowed my older sister to abuse me as well. It's weird working through all of this on my own, but at least I don't have to worry about keeping her from harming my children.
In my case it was my younger sister, and I was always told as the older sister I needed to be the bigger person, so she was never punished and I was never allowed to retaliate. She was always extremely jealous, but it seemed normal as I was older and could do more. Then it expanded into lying, back stabbing and stealing and continued until I went no contact. I was a young mother when I figured my mother was also hatefully jealous. It seemed conceited to even think that, so I never told anyone. I'm pretty normal, I'm not fabulously wealthy or a model or anything. There was no obvious reason to be jealous, but the signs were unmistakable why wouldn't she be happy for me if good things happened and why would she take it as a personal attack if I did something she didn't approve of like matched my drapes to my sofa rather than the paint on the wall, in my own house. I blamed myself for a long time, I must have done something to inspire that kid of venom. I moved thousands of miles away, but the stomach ache didn't go away until I went no contact when she died. (ha, ha, I didn't know a thing about narcissism, or I'd have gone no contact decades sooner).
I bet you made the right choice, I still had contact, but moving so far away limited her interaction with my kids and I think it was the better choice for us anyway. Best to you on the rest of life's journey. May you always spot them before they spot you!
that not normal protect your children they are the most important to you that your children and soulmate they are your family focus on your family needs home car career your finance not your mom or sister who negativity stands in your way focur on you your soulmate and children now your sister and mom have their own life to live dont let them run yours
Same here,sometimes you notice that somethings were not normal as a child until you become a parent yourself.
@KimPansey I swear you and I have SUCH similar stories. I am the older sister as well, and reading what you wrote... I swear it could have been me that wrote it. I am so glad you got away from it, I have done similar. Just hearing someone talk about the mother/sister narcissist combo is somehow relieving. I've looked for similar accounts from people, going through the same situation but yours is the most similar to mine. Sorry for the long post, I just wanted to reach out and say how much this actually helps to hear.
I'm so glad you are doing well and got away from them both. Bless.
So relatable
Leaving the parent unit is extremely necessary for one’s growth ❤️
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How can someone leave a "parental unit" when they weren't parental unit in the first place? Its often nessecary to leave the entire family.
@@sixthsenseamelia4695 It's more like a cult than a family.
@@annemurphy8074 Yes, that is true I suppose.
Leaving family is a luxury. I own my condo but I sadly have many friends who are stuck at home because of rent increases. We have no choice but to bite our tongues when it comes to narc family. 😢
My mother told me from an early age (I think I was around 4 the first time she said it) that I had to accept that her husband came first. This was not limited to her attention and affection, but even the little things like meals and other actual necessities. During an emotionally traumatic time for me, she chose to throw a painful piece of personal history in my face and hurt me 💔. Her actions coupled with the rest of the hurt I was trying to get through became my breaking point.
They love to attack you when you’re at your weakest. When the world wounds you then your narcissistic mother laughs and attacks. At least that’s my experience.
Not only was my late mother a narcissist (x100), but a severe hoarder to boot.
"Healthy relationships are not built on guilt and feeling like you owe someone". Wow, yeah i am 55 years old and I'm still doing everything out of guilt and I am still trying to be the perfect daughter. I have struggled with functional alcoholism for 20 years because of this cycle of dysfunction. So ready to move beyond it.
I hear you and see you- sadly you will NEVER be perfect enough… I’ve found going minimal contact helps- disengage as much as you can - it will help you to heal 🤗
@@EH23831 Thank You!!🤗
Alcoholism us a disease. She did not cause it. If you want to get sober go to AA.
Same here... Doing things out of guilt....
@@siaitsme6800 when people act out of it guilt it shows you have zero self esteem and you think you're God.
No human power can fix anyone else.
Having a narcissist mom has left me shockingly unable to recognize these qualities, until it's too late.
I'm getting slightly better, but it's still so hard to see, and they're EVERYWHERE!
yep
I want *justice* for the victims of narcissism ! The lowest form of life there is is a narc who hates & tries to sabotage/destroy their own children 😠
When I was ~11, I confronted my mom about the verbal abuse she and my dad were inflicting on me constantly. She just laughed and said "Oh, if you tell this to anyone they're going to take you away and you'll be homeless and a drug addict." She's always been very manipulative and fits all of these signs, but that was the moment I started to consider if what she and my dad were doing was actually not "normal" or right. I still have a year and a half before I move out/go to college, but won't be an adult until about a semester in. Hope it'll be okay.
You will be ok! I promise. If you feel it isn’t normal, then it isn’t.
Age 17 in many states you can live and function independently...
@@grandmamarymarthatammy_blo6603 I won't have legal or financial independence, and there are more issues with the specific situation, but physically yeah I could
I love you, you are so lovely and true!
There are quite a lot of books out on “Adulting” which gives you the bare bones of advice on living on your own as an adult. I got one for my son when he turned 18 (as part of a basket of gifts) and read a little of it and was impressed. There is stuff in there that took me years to figure out - such as having an all round blood test review with your physician once a year. That might help you with the preparation for moving out.
My situation is unique. I didn’t become the target of my mother’s abuse until I was an adult. Her second husband was the target then when they divorced I became her scapegoat. She actually fits most of the criteria for antisocial personality disorder. She went as far as sneaking around with my husband behind my back. Since my abuse didn’t begin until adulthood, I just started writing a book on my experience with adult abuse. Please wish me luck as recalling these memories is a bit painful but I think it will be therapeutic in the end.
My mother and I were very close growing up. I held her hand through a divorce in my teens. She became evil when I was with a man whom she did not approve. He and I are married with a gaggle of kids. She stole from us thousands from us, gave it to my brother. She made us homeless in a housing deal she backed out of. She allowed her husband to be physical and defended him denying what happened until years later. She has burned bread on my husband and I to soo many people, laying the ground work to have her defense lined up.
I just cut ties. She is so toxic.
She says I remember everything wrong. I lie all the time. It's just pathetic. I got a phone call recorder on my phone to show her how she is. She's never rude via text. She is verbally abusive in phone calls and now I have proof. She is an awful human. Just glad I woke to it.
If she were a narc, it started from day one. You were probably the Golden Child, the one who represented all of her real and imagined good points. I doubt you had interests of your own. You were her emotional support, her “friend”. You were to be perfect, yet not better than her. You smiled through it all, too. Didn’t you? Still settling for being number 2 in work and personal life? Not the star of your own show?
As an adult, she lost her scapegoat (your stepfather) and turned on you.
Sound familiar?
Good luck with your book 📚!
You are not alone. My mother tried her best to outshine me during my late teens and young adult years. She had a long affair with my husband during and for many months after my first pregnancy. I barely survived the betrayal.
I wish you so much luck while navigating the painful memories. I recovered when I began to believe that I am a lovable person even though my mother was flawed and could not give me the emotional love that I craved. I am now 70 and she has passed away. I forgive her tortured earthy being. I feel whole.
Unique situations can be difficult when there's no one who can relate or understand, comparing others as not as bad or worse. Many assumptions. Books bring understanding.
Going down this list hits hard. Mom did a lot of these things constantly. Incredibly validating to know I'm not crazy in thinking she had narcissistic tendencies.
You do a good job of describing NPD without demonizing these people, which is so important for survivors of childhood narcissistic abuse (as we tend to have picked up some narc-y tics of our own!). Number 5 and number 6 the most for me
Oh wait… number 7’s pretty dominant too.
so true ~ from many things my mother mentioned to me about her childhood i can understand my narc mom so much more ~ she is passed now but i wish i could ask her why she was living with her aunt at one tyme ~
other things she referenced tends to point out that she may have been neglected aw well ~
ps
my brother is a total narcissist & has turned my other siblings against me ~
Woah, I didn’t realize that a sign of narcissism was sharing your personal information. When she stated that it was mind blowing because my mom has done that so many times but it never crossed my mind that was part of it.
Don't let these videos fool you into thinking that someone is a narcissist that is not. My mom has done way worse things to classify her as a narcissist. I'm a mother and me and my sister have talked about our daughters first period because maybe me or her was trying to get information about what helps during different symptoms concerning our daughters. I had to check my daughter out of school one time because she was throwing up and cramping and I remember my sister telling me about essential oils and natural supplements other than painkillers. Every conversation is not narcissistic.
@@realtalktherapyreactionsIn that case, no, definitely not.
But for me as an example, when it comes to my personal life, my mom will share personal information about me, without my permission, to whoever will listen.
I was dating a guy a few years ago & at one point, he had met the extended family during a gathering.
The next time I saw them, (I think during Thanksgiving) we had broken up. *Nobody* asked me, ‘where’s Rey?’
Why? Because she had told them already instead of letting me tell them myself. Severe lack of respect
This was my mom and my twin sister growing up. Two weeks after I turned 18 I moved abroad and cut contact. Later I went to therapy and was diagnosed with CPTSD. I always wonder how different my life would have been had I had a normal mom.
You are not alone🙏💪🌺
I am 64 years old. I had a severely abusive mother who literally told me...."I can't love you; you are unlovable". She had a brief affair with a married man from another culture. She got pregnant and claimed my sister was my father's child. However, when she was born...she was "brown". The rest of us are caucasian. My sister and I were always close....but, my mother was hateful to me. To the extent of slapping me only, giving me worse food, Always criticizing me, forcing me to associate with an ex-prison inmate that raped me ( behind my father's back). Only a few examples. Both my parents have now passed. I lived with my father for four years, so he could pass at home. My mother passed first, and left everything to my sister. My father then passed and left Her, half of everything. I still love my sister; but my mother's lifetime of emotional abuse still haunts me to this day!! Be strong and survive.....💝
I thought I was the only one! My mom and twin sister are like that. The betrayal especially from my twin sister. The ganging up against you, messing with your head in which they’ll both love you then hate you like mean girls, and told that your twin/family is so important to only be treated a certain way. You are always the problem and how we treat them is the problem, our reaction is wrong and it’s not something that occurred by their actions and constant years of abuse that lead you to have breakdowns and ‘freakouts’
i'm glad you were able to make things up.i'm 16 and i don't know if i can do the things like moving abroad and creating a new life for myself.Can you please give me some advice? loveee
Absolutely, you have described my mom. Never apologizes, she is always the victim, and on and on. I am 64 and she is 85. I cant have a decent phone call anymore. That is just the way it is. It is her problem, i am done.
I had to respond to you because it seems like a lot of us are only now realizing that we had a narcissist as a mother. I’m 63 and just this past year figured it out. Thanks to U Tube. She’s passed on now but I really wish I could have told her how much she hurt me. I forgive her,(I think) but I really wish she knew. Thanks for letting me rant. 🙏✌️
I'd rather no apology over the cycles of massive rage followed up with apologizing but never being truly sincere
I feel your pain! I am almost 60- she's 78--and i keep asking myself, will this ever end??
I am 68, my mother is 92. It never ends until she passes, sadly. I had two marriages to narcs...because I was drawn to that. Didnt know what NPD was until age 62. I'm now happily married to a normal man and finding what true love is. Such a painful life because of allowing my mother to control me, put me down, keep me small, and shame me. I am mostly free now, but am her caregiver. It is hard! thank you for this channel.
@@patriciajdoucetMy mother just loves to put me down around her friends and church friends, and family, and even strangers…..to make herself seem superior. I’m 65. She’s 90. I’ve been asking her for over 5 years to STOP!!!! She hasn’t been capable so far. It’s like she’s got turrets and just blurts out things without stopping to consider how it might affect the person she’s talking about. She thinks it’s funny. I told her that was a boundary I must keep. That I can’t be around her if she doesn’t stop. Sounds like a simple request. She couldn’t stop so I haven’t been to see her in 1 1/2 years. She lives 4 hours away. By doing this, she has chosen the verbal cut downs over having a friendship with me. That hurt. I mourned for almost a year. As if my mother had died. Her 91st birthday is coming up and she will want me to come. I’m not going to. I need more time to heal. I’ll go up there again someday, but the first crack at me, and I’m grabbing my car keys and walking out her door.
I was once in a fairly bad one vehicle wreck on my way home from work about 8 or 9 years ago. Though I'm fully convinced my stepfather tried to kill me, that's a story for another time. About a month after the wreck, my mother was taking me to get some things out of the totaled car. During this time I had hit quite a low point. Being in active addiction and incredibly depressed and defeated I turned to my mother during a conversation and said "I wish I would have died in that wreck." Without skipping a beat and with the most attentive and sincere expression, my mother looked at me and responded, "buddy, so do I". I couldn't believe my ears. I just stared at her in disbelief. Then she quickly justifies her statement by saying "I hate seeing you suffer like you do". Homeless, unemployed, etc. Even though my parents were more than beyond fully capable of helping me to remedy the situation I was in, they refused to do so. As an adult, it's obvious my mother only loves me out of obligation and to appease her public image. I very earth-shattering realization that was.
They sound truly awful. Sending strength!
I remember my mom telling people things that happened to me that never would’ve told them under any circumstances!
She always introduced me as " this is my daughter, the younger, prettier version of me" , I hated that statement so much. It came with so much condensing tone
ooh, that sent chills down my spine!
Narcissistic parents don't respect or care for any of your boundaries... It simply doesn't exist for them
Exactly
I so appreciate this list. Every time I start to question whether my mother is a narcissist, I find your video and realize she fits each example.
Me too
One thing I've noticed about my narcissistic mother is that she will apologize and she will do nice things to only try to regain that power and control and manipulation over you. Her apologies are never sincere because she continues to do the same thing over and over again. I think we forgive her and love her and hope for the best because that is our mother to only be disappointed time after time again. They will cry and admit all their wrong just so they can continue to treat you the same way they have always done. I'm starting to believe that narcissists are highly intelligent evil spiritual beings that will figure you out and do whatever makes you submit or be subservient to them.
I keep telling my mom, "You might say you care, but you keep doing/saying XYZ, so I know you don't actually care as much as you claim."
I had a mother like this and it made me realize that not every woman is cut out to be a good mother. Thank goodness we have a lot more choices now than our mothers did.
When I was little, my mom would say "I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it" and one time I started crying because I realized it was a death threat. Then she acted like something must be wrong with me because I was so overly sensitive
Mine said that too. I have never met anyone else who went through that. Thanks for sharing!
@@mistidawnramirez7036 Sorry this was normalized for you too. Hope you're doing well fam! 💗
Before we all knew Bill Cosby was a predator, there was a very famous bit in his special, Billy Cosby Himself, and that was something I think many, many parents quoted. I know my parents did. I knew they were ultimately joking
lol Wow that's so familiar. Not the death threat but blaming the abuse victim for feeling hurt due to being 'oversensitive'. The gaslighting was so potent that I believed it for most of my life: she convinced me I had a psychiatric disorder that made me 'oversensitive'. It was a way for her to manipulate and abuse me, without me ever complaining about it to others, cuz I thought I was "sick" and was ashamed of myself.
Had I known that you'd be so stupid and ugly, I'd had an abortion when I had the chance
Something crazy is when I watch these types of informative content it does help me cope slightly with the trauma I did experience as a child, because when they talk about it objectively like that it makes me see that there are many other people who experience the same thing. So I should be able to let it go, and then that’s where it turns into that sadness feeling.. because I feel like maybe I am exaggerating things like everyone always told me and I’m just weak then.
I’m reminded of all the little things that I endured throughout my life that are still traumatizing to me that I thought I’d gotten over, but clearly haven’t.
You don’t realize how much your brain suppresses till something silly reminds you of a few terrible memories that just throw you way down in dumps. I really hate ptsd!
I'm already 62 and still struggling, but much better than I was. Kati, your and other psychologists' talking and writing really helped me as well. I've been under psychiatric care and on medication for a very long time now. It takes a lifetime to heal.
My mom has all 8 signs. It took me 30 + years to know that she has always been a narcissist and she almost destroyed my life. I decided to cut off all connections with her for a few years and during that time I picked myself up gradually and put myself together. My own family is happy and my career took off without her. I'm keeping a distance from her now even though we talk once in a while. But she traumatized my past and the wounds are hard to heal. I'm glad that I'm not treating my wife and my son the way my mom treated me.
It took me 30+yrs to figure it out how many yrs she's been a narcissistic (since the 80's). You're right when you said... some things were too damaging to completely let her back in. Sending positive Vibes ✨️
Just what I went through.
Well done! Now we're making a difference! :)
My mom told me the whole time that I was worthless without her. Well I've proven to her that she was totally wrong by staying away from her manipulation and made a lot of positive changes in my personal life and my career. I found out that she should be answered with actions, not with words to keep her mouth shut.
I have practically the exact same story. I finally wised up when she colluded with the narcissistic mother of my first child to help her in her attempts to destroy me financially and bring me emotional grief.
This is exactly what I experienced as an adolescent and a young adult. Whenever I would stand up to my mother, she would play the martyr role that I should never"talk back" to her.
I find it that my opinion did not matter... She is never wrong never said I am sorry not a emotional human being never hugged us to this day if we want to hug her she turns her head so that we can kiss her on tge cheek and her hug is olso a sideway hug like get it over and done... So sad
The “you’re disrespectful” “I never talked to my mother like this “ mabye bc ur mom wasn’t like u??
My mother is a narcissist and fits every one of the eight items. She grew up with a mother very similar. Both of my siblings have taken on these characteristics and after my dad past, it was a true wake up call for me. I now see that I have condoned this behavior by saying, "that is just how xyz is" and have passed this response to my adult children. I have gone no contact with my mother and siblings, which has me on the mend and growing path. Thank you and Dr. Carter for sharing and in turn, giving people like me some insight and tools. I was an eggshell walking, confused and guilt ridden human, once blind but now I see!
I didn't really notice it much as a child but those transition years into adulthood were extremely traumatizing. Being a latchkey kid & semi-raised by a single mother who took little to no time speaking to me but expecting me to somehow know how to move forward to full independence was neglectful to say the least. I was completely stunted and unprepared for the World and thrown to the wolves & what may seem easy for some was not so easy for me.
When I dared to point this out to her in my late 50's I was accused of being abusive and that was the point at which I finally decided to go NO Contact. I can relate to much of what you had to share in this video & can say without a doubt that hell will have to freeze over before she ever acknowledges her neglect or apologizes.
Lack of emotional empathy is an absolute. It's been at least 3 years since I had any contact with anyone in my family of origin.
It's a form of being made the family scapegoat, at the same time as playing the victim & giving the impression that it is deserved when it is not. I'm not saying that I was, by any means, a perfect teenager, because I was not. But that is to be expected when growing up within such a dysfunctional family dynamic. Alcohol & drugs were the norm in my family. I hope some of you can relate. Cheers
I am 63 years now (f). My mother was a narcissist and a (functional) alkoholic. From my early childhood I learned to manage her mood-swings, read the room, read her beahvior to react quickly if necessary (either calming her down or excuse me for doing "homework" or etc.). I learned to read the interactions between my parents so that I could put myself in front of them before they got violent against eacht other - I "managed" that they could get violent and/or berating/humiliating against myself, because it somehow felt "safer" for me as a child. Believe it or not - both my parents where respected and popular members of our church and in the neighorhood. When I was 17 I wrote in my diary: Ich bin nicht die, die ich bin. Ich bin die, die neben mir geht (I am not the person I am, I am the person walking by my side). How true that was. How wise I was as a teenager. Thank you, my beloved younger self. Thank you, Kati!
I find myself parenting myself whilst parenting my son. I share love with him and with little me. I tell myself things I wish I heard as a child. I have also started grieving the loss of the parents I wanted.
That's beautiful!
Good for you❤
This is spot on. It’s so difficult to deal with. And it’s heartbreaking and feels so lonely to know how horrible of a person your own mother is.
One sign I recognize, that always happens in our conflicts - they're just a stream of absurd. Like, it's impossible to explain what happend and why. The conflict starts over a random thing, and then topics change so quickly and I never understand what we're talking about. After them it always feels like a blast happened, I don't even feel like there was any conflict, it's just an explosion I'm trying to run away from.
A nun from school came to my place, to tell my mother what a good student I was and how much potential I had. I was listening to the conversation from my room. My mother ran me into the ground, putting me down, criticising me for anything she could think of. Thanks mom...
Pray for Gods guidance. Be strong and create a great life for yourself, good student. How wonderful that you are accomplishing and growing, and can learn things so well. Let the nuns help you.
You made it outta there you Great Space Engineer! Mourn and keep moving forward like the dynamo you are!
Some people are turds.
Parents that have NPD use things over their children bc they felt legally obligated to around you and not bc they loved you unconditionally!
EVERYTHING IS ABOUT THEM! EVERYTHING!
I'm in complete shock. This video is the best video I ever watched on CZcams. You just described my relationship w my mother. Thank you
This described my mother so spot on. I'm in my 50s and still dealing with issues that I now know came from my upbringing. Thank you not only for the signs but for the ways we can deal with the fallout.
I am sad thinking about what a different life I might have had if this had not been my experience. I am in my 40's now and I'm only starting to stand up for myself.
Me to I'm 42 her only child and her and my dad was on crack in the80s she been of crack 30years successful but she hates my dad and treat me like crap she wants me to hate him but I don't she turn my kids against me to make her self look good I thought I was alone with mother's from hell😢
I'm in my 40's as well. My mom and her selfishness cost me a relationship with my father knowing who he was and my virginity because she couldn't be bothered. Now as an adult she lies to her family about me. Thankfully they are seeing through her lies. Currently I am on the verge of losing my job. I'm really wondering if she has anything to do with it.
My mom wasn't a nice lady at all. All these points hit home and I got all kinds of mental problems to go along with her abuse. Between her and my foster parents, that's 24 years of hell. I'm 35 now and on 6 different antidepressants and anxiety medicines. Be careful how you treat people. Words can hurt just like the actions.
Yo, you do not need 6 anti depressants. They can counteract each other and make your depression worse.
I'm on one, Mirtazapine, for sleep, and I take it every couple of days for the sedative effect (delayed sleep phase syndrome thanks to ADHD triggered by maternal emotional neglect).
Please wean off those meds, and ask your doctor about trying ketamine nasal spray, since at 6 anti depressants, that's gotta scream treatment resistant depression. Anti depressants are meant for short term depression from a single traumatic event, not for chronic abuse survivors.
I knew a girl who also had been abused and neglected as a child. She slept for +15 hours a day because of her meds, and the lack of sunlight, and enjoyment of life from the side effects of the meds were ironically making her even more depressed.
Please, get off the meds. You. Cannot. Cure. Severe. Depression. With. Pills.
My mom WAS a huge narcissist when I was around 8-14 years old and still is but she’s worked a lot on being better about it.
I’m currently 15 and still have the memories of her yelling at me for things that weren’t my fault, telling me her life would be better without us (my family) because I wasn’t helping out enough during this event for my Girl Scouts, saying “go ahead and tell your friends how big of a b*tch your mom is!!!”, and asking me who my favorite parent is.
Having a narcissist mom has made me a very angered, tense, and sensitive person; but it’s also made me a very patient person. We need to use this video not only as a “sign” but also as advice. If you plan to have children one day you need to be the strong one and break that chain.
“It takes 5 minutes to clean up spilled milk. It takes much longer to clean up a broken spirit.”
I’m sorry to hear that. No child should undergo such abuse. You might want to look into borderline personality disorder as well. Best strategy is to become financially independent as soon as possible. Good luck.
Kati, you made a HUGE difference in my life. You helped me to understand something that has been consuming my mental health, my sleep, my relationships, and my life for the last 5 years. THANK YOU SO MUCH!
This hit deep. It took me long into adulthood to realize what was going on. A couple years ago, I had decided to just completely shut her off because she just so toxic. It sucked because I definitely went through a mourning phase, but for my own mental health, it was the last resort
you were really brave to leave. Well done!
and you only had to look out 4 u and hey there aint nothin at all wrong with that and same here in my own life but now i just refer it as existing becuz My life was stolen from me even to this very day, but yeah as I said b4 If they know how to behave in public then they do know how to behave in private. and we who have had enough of their B.S . I say just we go our own way becuz we dont owe them a darn thing and we dont need to justify ourselves to any1 , as long as we know who we r as an individual and as long as we love ourselves that my friend is what really matters and it is their loss not ours cuz we did nothing wrong. ok?
@@beladimitrescu3045 Girl, don't give them that power! Get some thereay and/or meds and take your life back!
@@kg3185 I hear ya and thank u 4 wanting to reply , and as far as therapy goes been down that road and nawww therapy doesnt work cuz #1 the shrink tries to dissect you making you feel as though something is wrong with you and they the shrink always makes excuses for the abuser and belittles you and your feelings even more I know this firsthand cuz it was done to me and 2nd what the doctors think they can cure by giving ppl more drugs thinking that it will make everything good as new and that is a lie their drugs are just the same as if 1 was getting them from off the streets . and what happened to all of us is not in our heads so popping pills will not undo what years of abuse has done , well 4 me personally this is how I cope its not easy but your right about im no longer gonna let these ppl break me cuz I am taking my power back. :) and I send my best to all of you as well and all my love . :)
@@kg3185 I think you've misunderstood Bela?
My mother was grudgingly capable of recognising that she had behaved badly. She dealt with that by entirely forgetting by the next time we spoke. Eventually I realized that taking personal responsibility for her actions was simply not possible, that healing the relationship was not possible. Coming to that realization almost cost me my life. I cut contact to a minimum, essentially went grey rock for the last five years of her life.
Thank you for confirming the signs; I thought I was over-reacting & being a cry baby. People in my community don't walk away from their families, I'm the only one who did it - that's why I was questioning my decision a bit but you've just reassured me that I made the right decision.
I love my mom from a distance, I moved 5 states away from her. She still tried to control my life, tried taking my kids from me, tried ruining my happy marriage multiple times, she tried and almost succeeded but I didn't let it happen. I've spiritually disowned myself from her so I can finally be free. I have to accept the fact that she will never love me anymore. I do have some happy memories of us but not many. I've tried talking to my mom, apologizing to her, you name it! But she will never change.
Literally both my parents were like this... My mom has been seemingly making an effort lately, but I mean... 20 years too late.
Thank you, Kati for this reminder. It's way too easy for children of narcissistic parents to internalize everything and beat themselves up.
I am so sorry :( And you are right.. due to the manipulation and gaslighting we can constantly think it's all our fault. I hope you have found support and have been able to start healing. xoxo
Be careful of her making an effort. They do that & then revert to the same old stuff again. Not to hurt you or burst your bubble, but I’m probably older & more damaged.
Lovebombing. She wants to see if she has hooks in you. Maintain the grey rock.
Had two too. One down, one to go.
Blessings 👏👏🙏🙏
My mom moved into her inlaws when I was born. She told me she didn't wanna get up in the morning to feed me, hoping someone else would. And when she did, she shook me to make me stop crying. She told me she asked her mother to help her have an abortion while pregnant with me. She used to jump down stairs to get rid of me. I told my dad one day that I wished it would have worked. He got mad at me, and told me not to say stuff like that. I still feel this way 😢
❤️💔
❤️🙏
So sorry JenJen, you did then and do now deserve to be unconditionally loved, cherished and respected. You should have been treasured for the blessing you are. It sounds like your mother was immature and irresponsible, possibly too young? Likely treated this way by her own mother. Ie: Why didn't she move in with her own mother when you were born? No excuse of course, but it seems like this horrible stuff can be passed down from one generation to the next. It's all about making choices and breaking the family dynamic in your own self, your relationships and with your own children. You have the power and control to guard against this and put a stop to it once and for all and for future generations. You can be the one, or perhaps you were chosen to break this family mold.?? I wish you well and I am sending you real, unconditional, motherly hugs. In meantime, be kind to yourself and your own mother to your inner child. You deserve a fulfilling, rich life full of love and joy. ❤❤❤
Assholes actually help us to grow. Gain the insight you can, and move on. Nothing you can do for a person disinclined to grow.
I love my mom so much... its really painful to even speculate that she could be at fault in any way for anything... Guess she was really, really good at it!
my mother broadcast my whole struggle with addiction on facebook to everyone we knew. newsflash, i used drugs to deal with my family trauma. i knew it was bad when family i never spoke to was sending me mail in a rehab facility that i never told anyone i was going to.
I can completely relate.
So sorry you dealt with that. ❤️
Something that was confusing for me when trying to determine if my mom was/is a narcissist is that my mom would (when I was a kid and young adult) completely shower me with love and could be very affectionate and encouraging. And then she would turn. It didn't occur to me until I was in my early 40's that it was because she was "grooming" me so I would be honorable and totally in love with her. It made me easier to manipulate when she had my heart. I don't allow my heart to go there anymore (which is sad but it is what it is) and it makes her absolutely crazy that she can't manipulate me. She majorly crossed a boundary when I was visiting her with my son a few years ago and I literally packed up our stuff and got on the first plane home. It was super dramatic and awful (and expensive) but it was the first time I made a dramatic "don't fuck with me (or my son)" move and it was TOTALLY worth it. Whether it had any effect on her, I don't really know but it showed me that I had power over myself and the situation, which led me to finally being proud of myself. I'm 47. I wish I hadn't waited to so long to make my statement.
Clapping 👏 🎉
I got goosebump from reading your comment. Way to reclaim your power! Your son has a wonderful mother who can protect him. This is so important. Thanks for showing him what it means to have boundaries. 👍
Sad to say but it most likely had no effect. She will probably continue being the same person almost as if you had left a video game on pause.
She turned my two adult kids against me now trying to do my younger kids been two months no contact It's like I have to train my self to not care😮
It’s very confusing! Good for you. It’s a lot to deal with emotionally and I always felt very alone in it. Good luck!
This is a very helpful video. I grieved the relationship I never had every single day. My heart goes out to other people who have struggled with a narcissistic parent, it’s not fun.
I used to cry on Mother's Day, when others spoke glowingly of their mothers. I wanted so much to be doing the celebration stuff.
Dan ,You are spot on.Thank you.
This is so well articulated. Thank you!
thank you! I grew up with a single mother. I can hardly remember my childhood feelings, but when I reached puberty, I started to rebel. I always felt that our relationship was not normal and we were always very aggressive with each other. Nevertheless, i had to continue living at home, also because of my financial situation. At the age of 24, I started working in my current job and when I finally had the financial means, I immediately moved out. That was at the end of 2020. Since then, I've been finding more and more to the person I really am. I'm discovering behavioral patterns in myself that I couldn't live out before because there was always this negativity at home. Until then, I couldn't develop freely and become the person I wanted to be. My character is actually a totally friendly, positive and very open in dealing with other people. I am so grateful to finally take myself out of this toxic relationship and can finally be proud of myself again. Stand up for yourself and separate yourself from the people who drag you down or don't want the best for you. You deserve so much more than this!
Good for you! Congrats!
I relate to your story so incredibly much!! Thank you for sharing ❤
8 out of 8, and yet everyone else tells me how wonderful she is and how "lucky" I am to have her as a mother. Meanwhile, she drained my life force like a vampire. Finally just moved to another town to get away and start rebuilding my life...
Same here, she always checks every box from any video.
Oh yes! I have said mine is like a vampire too. These comments have been very validating ❤️ I hope you have much success. You're so not alone with this stuff. My brother wasn't as lucky as we were to see what was going on. He still lived with her and ended up passing away before he turned 40. Sick stuff. She got to be the victim all over again so . . .ugh, I can't even get into it. I cut ties when I got married. I wish my brother was able to escape.
You are so good at this. Perfectley described!
Grateful for the depth of description in these signs and expressions 🙏🏾 this video added a deeper level of clarity than any other video I’ve watched