Channel Update | Life Update | October TBR!
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- čas přidán 5. 09. 2024
- The State of the Library!
So. Hopefully I'm back. We'll see, but this is an attempt. It's been a while. Been a lot going on. Stepped away from the internet for my own mental health, while having it not actually help my mental health. Caution: some Imposter Syndrome, pettiness, unreasonableness, and vulnerability inside. A look inside my brain and the constant feedback loop of anxiety that is the cobweb-ridden palace of my mind!
At any rate, I love this community and hope to be more involved from here on out while being able to make some healthier choices for myself and my family.
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Allen, I cried through nearly this whole video. So much of what you said hit so close to home. My husband dealt with undiagnosed anxiety and adhd for most of his life, and I have watched him struggle so hard with things that “don’t matter” or seem small but would enrage him. Politics, the economy, evilness being rewarded. He was just so MAD all the time- we couldn’t go to the movies because they are so expensive and nobody cares about creativity anymore and etc. It seemed like he was apart from us and just boiling over. It’s so incredibly hard to both watch and be married to. We ended up doing exactly what you did- an online detox. Deleted Reddit, he stopped checking the news first thing, he kept his phone far away from him. It helped! He is starting to realize that he’s, the world is bad, but his wife and kids aren’t and we’re right here and love him. Thank you so much for being so open about your struggles- you are not alone! It was so hard to talk to anyone because his worries and anxiety seem so small and insignificant, but they were huge and important to HIM. Welcome back, I hope you can find your way back to fun and community instead of anger and feeling isolated. Also, yay for babies! I’m thrilled for both of you about the baby! Truly, our kids help my husband everyday. They give him a reason to want to be better. To show them that there are benefits of being a person who’s kind and tries to help others. Wishing Christina a healthy pregnancy! Thanks again- you’ve really made me feel hope and I’m gonna make my husband watch this!
I'm so sorry your husband also feels like that as I don't wish it upon anyone but I'm glad he's taking steps to make it better. that's literally exactly how I feel a lot of times where everything just angers me and my wonderful wife is so patient with me. I have to remember exactly what you said that my family is not part of the problem and also that I cannot fix the ills of society.
Thank you so much for watching and commenting.
Hi, Allen’s wife here! I FEEL YOU so much on this. When Allen is really struggling it’s hard because I want so badly to make it better for him, but I can’t. I can’t fix all the ills of the world and I also can’t help him find peace in spite of them. In addition to taking steps like limiting social media and negative inputs in general, we have also sought help from professionals to manage his anxiety on a level neither one of us were equipped to deal with on our own, and that has been tremendously helpful. But I know how hard it is to watch your loved one be lost in a dark place where you can’t go to him, and I’m so sorry you have had to experience that too. I pray your husband continues to pursue peace for himself and your family while never giving up his passion to advocate for a better world. ❤
@@christinak.walker9902 thank you for responding. It is nothing that any magazine or marriage book can prepare you for. I am happy to say that we also sought out professional help, adjusted his diet, and made a point to really connect and talk, talk, and talk some more! It’s nice to know that there are other couples out there who care about their marriage and do their best to support their partner. Thank you for sharing with the internet! And best to you on your pregnancy! I literally gasped with joy when you held up that book! Being parents gives us so much hope and it’s so neat to see a little person that’s half you and half your love. Y’all are gonna be such caring and supportive parents, I know it!
I noticed that the one of the few good things to come out of things going mainstream is that once the hype dies down and most people move onto the next thing, people who were genuinely into said thing stick around and it results in community building in the fandom.
Lol!! It took me a long time to let go of calling myself a die-hard Harry Potter and LOTR fan. But after a certain point I realized I just didn’t have the same claim to fandom that so many others have. I feel called out by your comment hahaha😅 #poser #notatruefan
@@christinak.walker9902 you definitely can call yourself a fan of something without it being your #1 thing. You can love something and not be the biggest fan who knows everything about it, and no one will mind (if they do, ew). The problem is when people flood a community because of trendiness, just to profit from the hype online. My husband and I are "rennies" and now it's cool to be into the renn faire.. so we have the same feelings as Allen does about this type of thing. This year our faire had Jacque ze Whipper for opening weekend and SO many people attended just to film his show and then leave. It's icky feeling when your favorite thing is flooded with people who are just there to profit on social media, not be a part of the fandom (or even just there to "try something new" which is also fine lol) 💛
@@thebackpackingbookwyrm Yes, it is frustrating when people jump on the fan wagon just because it's popular at the time or to profit off it. I'm a classic trekkie, and felt a bit of this when the JJ Abrams stuff hit theaters. Btw, growing up, I would have loved to be a 'rennie', but didn't have the opportunity to go.
As a D&D player back in the 1980s (starting in 1983, I think), I can attest to the fact that it was not a way to become a popular kid, but it was a great way to hang out with friends. Two videos per week is plenty -- at least, that's about as much as I find comfortable. I'm glad you're better from Covid, and it's always better to have a colonoscopy behind you than in front of you! 😁I look forward to the Wickwire Watch and the other SPFBO finalists. Congratulations to you and Christina!!!!!!!!!
Thank you, Philip!
"It's always better to have a colonoscopy behind you than in front of you!" That's one I haven't heard before. ;)
@@eustacetuberson4375 Wisdom from the doctor - Doctor Fantasy! 😁
@@PhilipChaseTheBestofFantasyWait, you're not a medical doctor? I want a refund! And I still don't know where that glove went... 😮
Thank you Philip!! We are so excited!
Congratulations!!!! 🎉🥰 so happy for you two, and Allen please take care of yourself first, any content that gets posted is just bonus as long as you’re feeling good and less stressed ☺️
Thank you so much, Grace
Thank you!! ❤ We are very excited (and also terrified lol)
Okay, wait a sec--I've been in higher ed as both faculty and staff for over 20 years now, and let me assure you that having an advanced degree in something *does not at all* ensure that someone will or will not be a good teacher. Knowing something and being able to effectively teach it are VERY MUCH different things. I know this as a student, as a teacher, and as a supervisor of faculty. Trust me on this one. If you can reach the students and they learn from you, and you're being a good and respectful person with them, then you are a good teacher. If they actually enjoy your class on top of all that, then you are a GREAT teacher.
And CONGRATS to you both!!
Amen to this!!! Many don’t understand that to be an effective teacher you have to be master of both the subject material AND the craft of teaching. Being an expert in your field certainly doesn’t hurt, but teaching is an additional skill set you have to cultivate.
@@christinak.walker9902 Exactly!! Sorry my only comment was to argue with Allen. 😬 It was meant as a way to suggest he should judge his teachering skills with different criteria. But I know it's a hard time to be a K-12 teacher. I'm glad he's focusing more on contentment than content. And I hope you are feeling great!
@@AndiBfishbowlwoman oh it didn’t come across rude at all, it came out exactly as you meant it! :) And thank you!!
I'm usually a very silent viewer (and patreon member too! ☺), but I needed to come here and say that I've been loving your content for a long time now and completely understand where you're coming from, especially when it comes to burn out and imposter syndrome. It is really hard to deal with that, so please make sure to do what feels best for you :) We'll be here!
You and Christina are such wonderful people, I'm so happy for you both! Congratulations 🥰✨
Thank you so much for the kind words. It's hard to balance anxiety and depression and an overflow of demands on your time but I really love the people I've met online.
Hi, Christina here! Thank you so much!! Also thanks for stepping out and saying hi!! ❤
Allen, your health and well being, especially in light of the coming changes, is far more important than booktube! Your videos are lovely, and you introduced me to flintlock fantasy, for which I am beyond grateful. But I would much prefer a happy and healthy Allen, Christina, and family than you causing yourself, and those you love, harm and stress to put out content. You, not the videos, are important. 🙏🙏
Thank you so much. It's good to hear things like this to get some perspective
Here's a hot take - chuck it. YOUR happiness. YOUR wellness. Those things are more important to us and I know I'm not alone in saying that so long as you keep your discord - you'll get to keep all your book friends. Plus, we're perfectly happy with a private video once in a blue moon.
You and Christina are dear to my heart and that you are on the road to parenthood is a delight. You are both such grounded wonderful people that your child, I'm certain, will grow to be a strong and moral person. Finally, having had premature babies (one at 32wks) who are now perfectly developed intelligent adults, do the best you can and the rest you can leave in the hands of a greater power. ♥
Thank you so much, Derri! ❤ We are definitely a little anxious. It is an exercise in faith to have to trust Baby is growing and developing okay right now when we only get to check in with the doctor once a month. 😅 I’m realizing I have issues relinquishing control and in this case I just can’t even pretend I have any, really, because there is no way to monitor Little One’s daily progress.
It’s probably good practice for the future 😂.
The two hobbies I've been engaged with since I was old enough to hold myself upright nearly half a century ago are reading and tabletop gaming, and I'm dismayed at your comments regarding the popularization of what were considered to be "geek" hobbies - I think it's wonderful that so many more people have an opportunity to be welcomed into these amazing spaces! That being said, I don't really engage with the internet beyond my tiny CZcams channel (I refuse to use any social media platforms), so I don't really know what's going on out there outside of my little bubble.
I agree! I DO think it's a great thing that more people are engaging with these things but that's logically bc I know that's the right thing to think. My emotions take over and then I don't feel that way, despite knowing it's a good thing.
Well this has brightened up a dreary day! Nodding along and sympathising with everything you're saying, explodes with the big reveal. Congrats to you both and I hope you both enjoy the journey. Amazing :D
Thank you!! We’re so excited! (My favorite part of the video was Allen asking “Whose baby?” Lol!)
(Fellow autistic/aspie here, with ADD and depression as well) - A lot of what you said resonated with me, especially with regards to not always feeling like you can keep up with the pace of... society I guess, and social media-related stuff, pressure to work/create, burn-out - but also feeling those pseudo-gatekeepy feelings, when you were castigated for being a nerd growing up, but now it's like trendy and stuff...
Almost all of my aspie/AuDHD friends are burnt out too, it seems to hit us extra hard... and that physical barrier you have to go through to record... I experience it before scripting, even when I know that I have things to say and I want to say them for a video. And I don't even do CZcams for "compensated work" (I'm on disability currently): it is entirely a hobby, something I'm meant to do because I enjoy it, and yet I feel the lash of self-imposed pressure all the time.
A bit ridiculous, really, but I guess that's what happens when you don't listen (or struggle to listen) to the warning signs your body-mind sends you. So thank you for sharing your experience. And also: big congratulations on your happy news!!! :)
Thank you! And yes, these self-imposed obligations i put on myself continue to feed the cycle of hopelessness when all I want to do it joyfully talk about my hobbies. It's good to know other people out there feel similarly
I know how you feel, for sure. We're almost exactly the same age, and I also am probably about the same degree of autistic. I wanted to start my own channel years ago, pre-pandemic--before BookTube even became a big thing--and I was just like, "What's the point?" Who wants to hear what *I* have to say, when there are all of these over-the-top, obnoxious personalities out there, and that seems to be what people want?
To put up with the ever-shifting culture, I just try to think of it like I'm in a different country. If you're overseas and there's a cultural thing that's off-putting to you, you have to try to see through that, to what they're trying to express. Maybe you learn to appreciate it, and maybe it always bothers you--but either way, you just deal with it. You can't go to France and be mad that people are acting French. And, sure, it's harder when France comes to you, so to speak, but it is what it is.
Anyway, congratulations! Babies are always exciting (well, not *always*, but you know what I mean).
Way to save the big news til the very end!!! Congratulations, best of luck with the imminent chaos!! 😁 I am so, so happy for both of you ❤️
I 1000% get the feeling you're having, though. Ironically, I was into Critical Role when it first started and its what got me hooked on dnd (it didnt make it to my particular relgious podunk town) so when CR got big it felt like THAT was stolen from me, which is thie bizarre feeling of being happy for them but sad for feeling like I was no longer part of an exclusive club.
I guess the problem partly comes from having an identity as an outsider, so trying to accept part of our identity being taken away when our interests become the "in" thing is rough. Even when it was a painful label to have, it was still something I had control over... I try to get past it by focusing on how little the wider world actually impacts my immediate friend group. A thing being popular doesnt destroy my enjoyment when we're around the table together.
Sorry for rambling--I really do hope that as the One Piece mania dies down you're excited to be around again. Giving yourself some space was the right thing to do, I think! :)
This is 100% accurate and it's even more frustrating to me bc I try to hard to stay above the identify crisis that plagues basically the entire country now and while my political beliefs may not be my identify, the things that brought me joy when I was younger seem to be and, just like political madmen, my hackles.get raised when it feels like an attack on said identity or, if not attack, then a watering down of my identify, if you will
Thank you so much for your comment!
In a similar CR boat. I started watching when they were still on C1 episode 15, or thereabouts, and it felt like this magical new discovery. I'm happy for the cast that they've exploded, but I do miss the old days of it being "my thing" that I got to introduce my friends to.
You said it so eloquently. It's exactly the outsider thing
One of my greatest struggles through life is the catastrophically humbling and horrible realization that there is always someone smarter, more capable, more everything than me at anything I will ever try and anything I will ever do. But that's not the actual greatest struggle through my life; that would be having this realization and it not changing at all how I feel about the realization itself.
Bill Stafford said "I call it cruel and maybe the root of all cruelty/to know what occurs but not recognize the fact." But maybe it's to recognize the fact, and then learning that same recognition has no influence on the cruelty itself is the greatest evil. DFW made it clear that the mind is the terrible master, so I will say this: I am not a religious man what-so-ever, but as someone who is profoundly haunted by a sense of imposter syndrome, or as I've come to better understand it (honesty outwardly and inwardly; see: authenticity), I found the serenity prayer has a lot of gosh dang wisdom in it: grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Hang in there Allen. And goddamn the vipers nest that is academe and the comparisons that live in that spoiled and dying space. No fruit to be found. Trust me. And my wife. And every other honest academic we know.
Thank you so much for the encouragement. It really is a struggle to realize that there's always someone better than you, especially when you struggle with feelings of inadequacy as it is. But one day at a time, I try to handle things better than the day before.
I thought of you a few days ago... a stranger at the grocery store was wearing the shooting stars T-shirt like you have. 😀
CONGRATULATIONS!
♥️ Philippians 1:3-6 🙏
I'm sure I'm not the only one praying for you and Christina! I'll be praying for health, peace, wisdom, provision, and guidance for you both. You are so loved by so many! ♥️
Oh my gosh someone was wearing the shooting stars shirt!! Yessssss.
And thank you so much for your prayers!
Thank you so much for your prayers. ❤❤❤
Allen we love you whether you post one video a year or a hundred. Take all the time you need and ignore the Internet as much as you need! So many congrats on the baby!
Thank you!! ❤❤❤
Hearing you, I’ve stopped subscribing to so many book channels cause of that lack of being genuine, and pretending they are honest.
But hey you are not in that group because you are genuine.
Health first always ❤
Yes the globalisation of everything is hard to deal with, I’ve spent over 50 years with no one to talk to about most of the books I read
I was delighted to find book tube, but then appalled by how much of it was commercial and books that are quite awful getting insane hype to a point that many smaller channels become scared to give their genuine opinions or point out the obvious.
Knowing a subject and teaching are very different skills
Keep your circle smaller, if your family and students and followers think you are great, flow with that
As a former teacher, I completely understand that incessant urge to continually work to try and improve your lessons, make your classes better, and the complete imposter syndrome I'd always feel when I'd see what other teachers were doing. As an A type personality who just couldn't learn to shut it off, I ended up switching careers to something I found easier to leave behind once the work day ended. I hope you find a good work life balance, and wishing you best of luck out there!
That's the limbo I remain in...keep it going or try to transition into something else before it's too late
Whoa... did not expect to relate to this video so deeply...Good luck to you (and me as well 😅)
If you need to take a break, then take a break. We will still be here. Huge congratulations on the pregnancy news! Wishing you and Christina a healthy and happy baby.
Congratulations on the baby, you both will be good parents! :) Definitely exciting! :)
As a fellow aspie/autistic person, I relate to what you are saying regarding fandom related stuff and not liking when things go mainstream or a bunch of people who used to dislike something/make fun of you for liking something suddenly being liking it (this was me with Star Wars; I liked the movies and the old book timeline and it was so much easier to make friends with fans before Disney bought it and caused so much strife in the fandom when they refused to continue the Legends timeline). I also relate to the comparison thing, it definitely is hard. Sorry you are dealing with that and burn out :( I think you sound like a good teacher! Definitely better than some of the college professors I've had.
Fellow Legends fan here, feeling your pain.
@@EhsJaySaunders Thank you! Agreed, it is definitely sad :(
My first baby was born in March!!! He'll be turning 20 years old when yours will be born. HUGE Congrats!!
Congratulations Allen and Christina!!!! 🎉❤
Thank you!
Allen, as a fellow teacher who’s been doing it for quite a while (19 years, 20 this January) here’s what saved me from burnout: caring less about the job and about the kids. You said it. These kids don’t care. Once I realized that and I stopped taking things personal, I started leaving work at school. I never plan or grade at home anymore. When I get home it’s time for me and my wife. I love the time I get to read, work out, AND I actually have time to play ttrpgs online. I’ve also had time to plan my first game as a GM (which has gotten my creativity going again). I found joy in my hobbies again.
The other thing that helped was limiting my time on the internet. I can’t tell you how great it felt to delete my Twitter and Instagram accounts. Now I only go on the internet to watch book tube videos, reviews of ttrpgs and actual plays.
Whatever you decide to do to get back your mental health, stick with it. Don’t let up.
Congratulations to you and your wife! You’re gonna be a wonderful dad.
This is so hard for me to do. I don't know how to not take things personally and to not continue to try and refine so more of them learn more of what they need to know.
But this is great advice. Thank you!
@@TheLibraryofAllenxandria I hear you. I was the same way. I was a perfectionist. I had to really change my mindset because my health was declining. My doctor told me I had too much stress. Also my partner said I was miserable to be around. So all that mushroomed and made me change my perspective.
@@ReadingAde oh my gosh that's mirroring my experience. I'm starting to feel the health effects and I'm at the point of something having to give or me transitioning to another career
Awww congratulations you guys! Welcome to wonderful world of parenthood. You guys will be amazing. I definitely get what you’re saying Allen. The internet can be an awful place sometimes.
I am totally with you on feeling like you're losing time. No need to read This is How You Lose the Time War, cause I am confident I already lost it.
Congratulations on the baby! Super exciting. Be prepared to lose even more free time! Haha Though you get to spend it with a little human. (Kids are, I think 90% of why I lost the time war.) Definitely don't let booktube bring down your health and wellness. If the only thing you do is jump on a Chatting with Nutts, do a sprint, or just show up in comments every now and then, you will still be a super valuable part of this booky corner of the internet.
I read Wickwire and it's sequel after seeing your review. Such a delightful series and author. Thanks for shining a light on it and enjoy Spider key!
Congratulations Allen and Christina! My baby daughter is the most wonderful thing in my life, she amazes me constantly, but it is a lot of pressure. You'll need a copy of Sir Terry's Where's My Cow I think :P I have Crohn's disease, so colonoscopies are a fact of life for me. I'm grappling with the last year of a PhD that I'm fairly disillusioned with at this point. All that to say, I deeply related to a lot of your frustrations and feelings in this video. BUT, I'm also unreasonably excited to see you read the Engineer Trilogy as that got me into Parker many moons ago and I'd love another re-read. I always enjoy your videos whenever they go up, but go easy on yourself, have fun, and don't upload if it isn't :)
I'm loving book 1 of Engineer so far. So good. And thank you for the congrats and kind words! Christinas best friend has Crohn's so she was able to help me by letting me know what to expect who h made it easier.
Congratulations Allen and Christina🎉🎉 amazing news! Allen please don’t be so harsh with yourself. You are an amazing person just as you are.
We will be here waiting for you no matter how long you are away.
Congratulations! 🎉 If you give your new kid half the attention you have given your old kids you're going to be a wonderful dad 😆. Enjoy your new exciting journey!
Hahaha thank you..I hope so!
That's a great Roland analogy Allen
Yesssssssss glad you caught it
Congratulations guys!! My wife and I are expecting again in January so I’m right there with you with how expensive everything is! Just wanted to say that I enjoy and appreciate every video you post Allen but just do what you need to do to get yourself right, depression/anxiety is no joke. We’ll all be here whenever you feel up to posting
Oh congratulations to you too!! How exciting!!
Congrats! and thank you!
First of all, massive congratulations to you and Christina. I have no doubt you will be wonderful parents.I'm so delighted for you both!
Secondly; please please please don't worry about putting out content. The most important thing is to look after yourself.
I'm so sorry you're having a tough time at the moment. I hope you can find the right balance of what works for you. While my circumstances were different, I've experienced emotional and mental burnout myself in the past so I totally sympathise. Just know that you are not alone, and you can get through this x
I’m sorry you’ve been struggling, Allen. The world is a better place with you in it, and I hope that you can find a process that maintains your mental health instead of disrupting it. Congratulations once again on the exciting news. This baby is already the luckiest to have such wonderful parents. ❤️❤️
Yeah what wonderful news, such a blessing. You are going to have so much fun together once they start sleeping through the night! 😀
Mine will sleep through the night day 1! I'm determined 😛
@@TheLibraryofAllenxandriakeep dreaming lol. 😂
I miss you and Jimmy man, but I understand where y’all are at. Just know, there’s people out there that appreciate y’all a lot man. Nothing but love 🤙🏻
Omg- a huge congratulations Allen and Christina.
Glad to see you back for an update! I can definitely identify with finding a struggle to find motivation and feeling burnout, hope things turn in the right direction for you! Congratulations as well!
Thank you, Niko!
Amazing news! 😮
👶🏼
I’m really late but I just want to say you’re not alone in these feelings…burnout is a horrible cycle of having so much to do that you end up doing nothing.
I appreciate your candidness about your frustration with the state of the world…we often feel things that are aren’t “right” but are there nonetheless and they’re important to talk about.
Ahhh!!! Congratulations!!! As a new mom I’m so excited for you both 💕
Thank you so much. Some time away has helped and now it's just a process of trying to chip away at the burnout and get some things done.
And thank you! We're so excited!!
@@TheLibraryofAllenxandria I’m so glad you’re feeling a bit better. Burnout is a slow process to get out of. Thank you for agreeing to do Page Chewing regardless, hopefully it can help with coming back 💕
Of course!! So many changes on the way 👶
Congratulations you two! Philip Of Macedon Walker shall inherit the earth!
I think its very worthwhile to be honest and up front about how you've been feeling and why you've been feeling that way. Like you said, you can't control that something makes you feel upset, you can just control your reaction to it. I hope your burnout abades and you can find joy in the things you're doing once again. Remember that booktube isn't a job and that you're doing all this for the fun stuff!
I love the name Philip!! But wouldn’t it sound a little bit like we were naming our kid after Philip Chase? 😅
And thanks Kyle!! We are so excited!
What you’re describing is what every autistic adult I talk to is feeling. I feel tired, anxious, and full of rage. I’m exhausted.
It's really amazing how much less alone you feel knowing that you're not the only one experiencing these things
@@TheLibraryofAllenxandria I hate that we’re feeling like this, but I’m glad we’re not alone. Thanks for making this video.
No pressure, Allen. We'll take however many videos you give us. And if you think the idea for a particular video is stupid, then finish the edit and post it asap. Those have been some of your best!
Hahahahaha thank you Rogue!
Yes Allen’s “stupid” ideas are always so fun!!
Allen. I’m sitting in the cafeteria trying to disassociate during my workday. But no. Here at am holding back tears. The burn out and the lack of motivation you are going through, is exactly what I’m going through. I pray things continue to get better for you.
Also congratulations!!! 🎉🎉
It's hard to be excited about a thing you love getting bog when the very people who used to mock you for it are suddenly "into it." Living under a rock is my lifelong strategy. It's definitely not because I'm just oblivious in general or anything.
Lol I know...that's what I mean about the world being smaller. It was nice in my bubble under my rock lol
I feel imposter syndrome all the time. However, I've learned that passion for something proves that you can be great at these things regardless of your degrees.
I can see that you'd be an awesome DM and that's amazing. I've only ever been okay as a DM so I envy you there.
I feel you about not doing youtube after getting home from work, i've barely done any videos the past few months after picking up more hours at the post office. I want to read and record, but working so much, I really only have the energy to do one.
Yes! It's just too much after all the energy spent at work
Congratulations on the baby on the way! This video was cathartic to watch and almost too relatable. Hope you have a good day Allen!
Thank you and thank you for watching. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one experiencing these things
congrats you two!
I think I need a social media break...I've almost hit the same point as you. but it doesn't cause anger it causes sadness for me.
Looking forward to any videos you put out!
p.s you should think about putting up a "baby shower" amazon registry or something that viewers can help out with your first child needs. :) I think you can make the address private...but I'm not savvy with that stuff.
Go Allen!
You are a great looking couple, and appear to have good chemistry.
Congratulations on your upcoming family addition, and please, take care of yourself and your family first and foremost. We'll still be here.
Thank you! Will do!
As a teacher who lives inside of imposter syndrome at school each day PLUS being on the internet I can see that being very draining.
I don't think I have even properly congratulated you yet on the baby announcement, so CONGRATS!! Hope Christina is doing well, the little kiddo is going to be so blessed with such lovely parents ❤
Anyway, Allen, thank you so much for being so open about your struggles. I am so sorry to hear that you are in such a dark place right now, though I hope it is at least a tiny bit of a comfort to know that you are not suffering alone. Everything you said hit way too close to home for me and it genuinely made me tear up, but I am so happy you shared all of this. I just want to send so much hugs to you right now.
I know nothing I will say can really improve the situation, because your own mind is your worst enemy, but even so... I hope you know that you don't owe anyone anything and we will be here to support you no matter what. If you need a break, take a break. Do whatever makes you feel best, you deserve way better than this ☺ Hang in there, all the best!!
Thank you so much, Esmay. It's hard to all about because it seems like everyone has mental struggles but at the same time feels so alone as the only one having mental struggles. I'm just trying to be less hard on myself and free up some of my bandwidth so that I'm not laden with crushing anxiety all the time.
Christina is doing great! Hoping for another good appointment on Friday!
@@TheLibraryofAllenxandria And that's exactly why it's so important to break that taboo and share our struggles. I hate that this damn society has conditioned us to think it's okay to suffer in silence while working ourselves into the ground.
I really hope that taking some of the pressure off yourself will help improve the situation. You're doing the best you can, and that's all that matters ☺️
Glad to hear Christina is doing well!! Will keep you both in my thoughts for the upcoming appointment ;)
Big congrats to you both!
Allen I completely understand and have felt this way about simpler times, I get this empty feeling as if something is missing. Then when it comes to things I love and see it get popular I'm like I loved this first, it was mine. I know I should be happy to see others enjoy it and I am but deep down I'm like it was mine.
Yes the barrier, I try to explain to others why I can't do the things I know or need to do. In my head I'm like you need to do xyz but my body is like no you must potato. It's frustrating because I get so made at myself at all the wasted time.
lol indeed. I also love the use of potato as a verb
Seeing you a bit sad makes me a bit sad Allen, and I do relate with VERY MUCH of what you are struggling with. STARTING to do something is so difficult for me as well
Yes, mustering the activation energy is so difficult for me. When I'm in motion, I tend to stay in motion so if I can start I'm generally good but the problem is that I don't start until late so Im unable to continue for a decent amount of time and then the whole cycle repeats the next day
@@TheLibraryofAllenxandria I have the same, and at the end of every day I tell myself that I will be better tomorrow..
Congrats🎉🎉 Hope you find that magical balance in life!
Thank you!
Allen, Thank you for being willing to share what you're going through with us. I completely understand having imposter syndrome. I hate when people say I'm so smart, because I'm always thinking about all the people who are smarter than me. I have lessened my time on social media and only focus on youtube and instagram, but I haven't done a complete detox. I have very much enjoyed your videos and it's great to watch your reviews on books. You're definitely one of the channels that has inspired my reading. Congratulations on having a baby! It's going to be great.
Congratulations on the pending new member of the family!
Thank you!!
Christina!
“Who’s baby” 😂😂😂
🤣🤣🤣
Congratulations Allen & Christina.
Does this mean we can have a baby naming competition? 😃
Hahaha that could be fun!
Oh my goodness congratulations on the expecting front!! Thanks for being so open and honest with us your loyal clan about how you’ve been feeling, and as far as reading and booktube goes, as much as you feel fulfilled and happy doing is all I would hope for!
Thanks so much, Ben
Congratulations for the baby!!! You’ll be an amazing dad!
Hope you find the perfect balance between work, family and all the other things you find yourself wanting to do!
I appreciate your honesty and transparency Allen. It takes a brave person to discuss their own anxieties and doubts. I understand the unrest with certain aspects of society and different interactions. Ive tried to focus on things I can change, positive influences and kindness i can give to others. Thank you for all the wonderful content. Take care of yourself and your family.
I know this whole comment section is going to be filled with "cogratulations" and hey CONGRATULATIONS!!! Absolutely!!!!
Having said that... I feel what you said at the beginning about things you love suddenly becoming popular and everyone liking them and how it can be a great thing and somehow make you feel bad or uncomfortable at the same time, I've struggled with this my whole life, and I know it isn't any consolation but it's at least good to know I'm not the only one who feels this.
I hope you can find a way to reconnect with the community while taking it easy and enjoying your time together.
It's always good to know that other people feel the same sometimes. It's not rational and I don't love that I feel this way but at least I'm not completely alone.
CONGRATULATIONS ALLEN AND CHRISTINA!!!!! that's so exciting!!! 🎉
Thank you!
Contradictions ti you both. My sister is also having her second son due 1st week of March. I understand so many facets of this video. Ive been going through a very low depressive period for the last 5 weeks. The last time I felt this poor was in fall of 2020. Trying to avoid the medication root by doing talk therapy instead. But we will see. My mood shifted for me post a kidney infection that I had in mid September. I think that was the finally straw for me in terms of triggers. I hope things perk up for you. I know its hard to see through to the other side. Know that you are appreciated and that any feelings you have are valid. Lots of love to you both.❤
Thank you! I hope things turn around for you as well and that therapy helps. I know I'm always better mentally when I have a counselor but when I'm feeling stable I tend to neglect that aspect of self-care
Oh my goodness! So exciting! Congratulations to you both! So happy for you both! Family and self health always comes first, we will be here when you are ready!
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!
Thank you!
Awwww…a new recruit for the library. Congrats!💚
Congratulations to you both!!! I knew it from the thumbnail! 😺🎉 Do yourself a favor and drop your video schedule down to once a month right now and you will be in great shape for the new normal after baby comes. Seriously though make content because you want to and when you want to not because you have to. There is no schedule you have to follow. There is lots of flexibility in between the lines of disappearing completely and churning out content like a machine.
Congratulations. You're going to be great parents.
Thank you!
Thank you for having the courage to be open with the people who follow you . Life does not always go the way we want.
You and Christina seem to be strong together, I wish you congratulations for your good news.
Take time to care for the 3 of you in whatever way you need.
You're all important and we will still be here.
Thank you so much. We're hanging in there and are excited and both trying to make healthier choices for our lives while still being able to do the things we want to do
Congratulations! I wish you health and happiness. And also, yes society generally sucks, but just think back to series like the long price quartet which you can't shut up about. It beautifully shows the meaningfulness of living and interpersonal experiences, regardless of the worlds endless cycle of selfishness and violence. On the first part of the video: I hope you will feel better soon and please do whatever you need to stay in a healthy state of mind!
Thank you so much! And thank you for the Long Price Quartet application as well. Such a good series
@@TheLibraryofAllenxandria happy to. It is an amazing series and you and Ben and Grace made me aware and prioritize it so thank you for that!
Just another congratulations here! Such happy news! It'll be such fun when you can start reading to your son/daughter. Sorry to hear about your struggles, and I hope you can keep getting through them.
Thank you! Reading to my kid is one of the things I'm most excited about!
Congratulations Christine and Allen! Take care of yourself, Allen. We understand completely.
Thanks so much
12:15 this is the realest talk. Maybe it is the whole fourth decade thing? Being the same age I have felt increasingly as you do upon getting home. It is a war, for control.. against your aging self.😢
oof, I hate it. youth is wasted on the young
@@TheLibraryofAllenxandria That’s the truth. Well at least we are one step closer to God 🤷🏻♂️
Congratulations 🎉
Thank you!
Aw big congratulations to both of you!
Thank you!
If it makes you feel better, I point blank refuse to jump on the One Piece train. Or DnD. I hate things that explode in popularity, and actively avoid them. 😂 Like you, I realize that it isn’t rational… but am I going to change? Absolutely not. 😏
Also, congratulations! A baby is always wonderful news!
So it's always good to recognize our own patterns of behavior but it's a much harder thing to be able to do something about it if you even want to
Congratulations to you both. You guys will make the most wonderful parents.
I know how you’re feeling about when niche interests go mainstream. Things that we may have been ostracized or made fun of for previously still offered a sense of belonging and self within that niche community and when these small safe spaces grow very large (very quickly) they no longer feel so safe or kind or comforting. I don’t think that’s gatekeeping at all, but a feeling of loss and self-preservation. It’s hard to continue to be passionate about things when they no longer provide that sense of belonging.
I have enjoyed all of your content and ideas over the years and you are appreciated. If you decide to post one video a week, a month, a year, or never again, I will support that decision. Any community you are in online, at school, or anywhere else in life is lucky to have you.
Thank you so much. And exactly this: feeling of loss and self-preservation
Hooray for you two!
Thank you!
Just do what feels right, as much or as little as you want, and focus on yourself and the lovely Christina. Congratulations by the way 😊
Thank you so much!
This is absolutely relatable and how I feel so often lately as well. You took the words right out of my mind - not trying to be gatekeepy, it’s just the most surreal and frustrating experience. As always I admire your eloquence and ability to express your truths about books and life as a whole. You are not alone with burnout and imposter syndrome, especially with teaching. Anger has been a prevalent feeling for me this year as well, and it’s hard to work through in the age of the internet and being exposed to mostly the bad throughout this whole world and little good. Congratulations to both of you! Focusing on your loved ones does make the world seem a little less awful. Best wishes 💕
Thank you, Angela. It's so hard not to get angry when, like you said, the Internet has a tendency to highlight the worst because that's what gets clicks and that what draws traffic. It's embarrassing bc I like to think of myself as above the fray only to realize I am not lol
@@TheLibraryofAllenxandria sadly I don’t think any of us are, that’s why the media tactics are so successful. but I feel like at least knowing that’s their game and knowing that we’re only seeing a lot of bad news and agendas can help it be less effective on us. and as you said, you have a great community of people here and we can all bring some joy and light to one another within this internet hellscape lol
THE weeekend updater is and always will be Norm, with Chevy a close second. Congratulations on the news!
Hahahahah I hate Chevy but Norm can stay
Congrats to you and your wife. You seem to balance each other out very well. You will make great parents.
Thank you! I hope so!
Truly, _one_ video a week is enough, Allen (or less, if need be). Focus on the things in life that really matter, and put your effort there; and may God be with you.
Thank you so much
*Gasp* That will be a very lucky baby ❤ The experiences that you share on work and teaching are very similar to my own. Thank you for sharing, Allen.
I hope so, and thank you for watching!
Congrats to you and Christina! 👶
Congratulations to both of you! Allen, I identify with so many of the things you were saying. I feel like I’m always lesson planning or grading essays or thinking about school. I stopped even watching booktube for a while because I felt guilty for not posting on my bookstagram and not actively engaging in the community as much as I once did. (All of this on top of my own autism diagnosis). It can be so stressful to feel all of these things at once. I’m sending you both so many hugs through this season of your life!
All of this, yes. And thank you, Shey!
Don't know what to type. Firstly I am sorry for the tumultuous times you have been going through. Wish it was different but since it isn't, my thoughts and prayers that you gradually cope better.
Secondly, my own personal experience: I have always been in my small space with very little people, knowing it will be unlikely I fit in. For reasons, I tried to branch out and become part of the Booktube community as a commenter and then also participate in some Discords. And I was not able to sustain ultimately. One thing which resonated with me is I cannot stand disingenuous behaviour beyond a point, it makes me feel uneasy. And then it's a choice between speaking out or silent withdrawal, of course I choose the latter. So it's been gradually going back to my own little space again and accepting that this experiment of mine was not meant to work.
TL;DR: You are not alone. Take care, prioritise your well-being, I hope you feel better.
Videos I won't comment anything much because I started to cut down on Booktube as well hehe. But I enjoyed The Hexologists and look forward to that discussion. I liked your written review. The Hexologists was a bit too quaint and "safe" for me - the writing was great but after Babel, I hoped Bancroft would push more in terms of idea-driven SFF. But fun mystery with the occasional commentary works too. One other criticism I had is I felt there were too many creatures. Otherwise very good book but nowhere near Senlin Ascends for me.
Many congratulations to Christina and you. Wish you both a joyful time together before the child arrives, wish Christina good health, happiness and a smooth, uneventful pregnancy and my prayers for the happiness, peace and togetherness of your family which will soon have a new member. 🙏🏽🌷
Thank you so much. And I understand; my first instinct is also to withdraw bc I lack the ability to address it without being consumed by the burning anger it fills me with so rather than have a blowout, I just internalize the rage until it's unhealthy. 😭
@@TheLibraryofAllenxandria Take care Sir. 🌷
Also sorry to comment multiple times but good on you for getting your cancer screening. One of my dear friends has color cancer both sides, even parents, and refuses to get her colonoscopy because she doesn’t want her daughters to have to take care of her for the several hours after the procedure and now she’s over 50 so she’s even beyond the normal time to do it even if there wasn’t cancer in the family….ugh. I’ve tried and tried 😢
Oh no!
Congratulations on expecting!!!! Definitely hear what you’re saying about burnout and imposter syndrome. I really enjoy the videos that I’ve seen of yours and the fact that you’ve messaged me back sometimes has made me feel pretty awesome and special. Definitely need to put your mental health and your family above all though. Especially at the point of burnout. Speaking from experience it’s not worth it to power through at the cost of your health. Hang in there!
Thank you so much for the encouragement!
The second I saw Christine was on I knew ❤ I’m very excited for you two 😁 Congratulations!! Amazon baby list!
Thank you! And we're working on it lol
Allen, mental health is important so keep working on you. But also, Congratulations and hope all proceeds well with the pregnancy!
Thank you so much!
Congratulations to you and Christina. Just remember you’re a star.
Thank you!
I’m a silent watcher over here but I hope things start looking up for you! I was just talking the other day about how so many of us grew up ridiculed/bullied for the things everyone seems to love now. Maybe it’s just now we’re all grown and the nerds are in charge so we get all the content now. Congrats as well! 🎉 give the world another nerdy reader 🥰
Thank you so much for commenting!
Burn-out is really hard. Don't push yourself, especially with the excitement of the next several months and after. Congrats! I have been struggling with autistic burnout for the last several months. It is really hard not to push myself, especially as I start to feel better. But what is the saying? You can't pour from an empty cup. Do what is best for you. Booktube friends will still be here whenever you are up for making videos. I fully believe reading and creating content should be a joy, not a chore. It definitely comes across in videos when the creator isn't feeling it. Wishing you the best.
Thank you and yeah I'm trying to rediscover the joy in it. It's so good to know others feel the autism burnout as well (not good that people experience but good that it's not just me)
❤
Congratulations!! 🥳
Yeah, I was happy reading "Under My Skin" until "Best Man Wins" had to pick up some Pratchett after that. I'm currently reading "Devices and Desires", at chapter 5 and I am loving it.
So much crazy stuff going on in the world. Book tube is great to watch but not if it comes at the expense of the Maker's life. You have a lovely wife, spend time her not us goons lol.
Congratulations btw…I made that main post before the announcement.
I'm also loving Engineer so far! I just made it to chapter 8!
Also, Best Man Wins is where I'm at in Under My Skin! It's next up!