Are you better yet...? [CC]
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- čas přidán 26. 07. 2024
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I have to say the "you're looking well" thing really bugs me too. It's called an invisible illness for a reason! And since I almost died from not being diagnosed, it doesn't make me very happy to not look ill... I'd rather look how I felt and be taken seriously!
I am really fond of "I hope tomorrow is better for you." because it is so ambiguous. It could be better in any number of ways (not necessarily illness related because that usually gets worse before it gets better short term) and I think that is a very nice thought.
thank you for this! definitely going to implement this into my language, especially for my fellow chronic illness//Disability Warriors. 😊
Yes! I also like, "I hope you have some good/better days soon!" Cause like you said it's a nice wish and it acknowledges that chronic illness comes with good days and bad days, even if I'm always ill.
I have this habit of saying "I hope today is nice to you," and I hope it comes across properly. I'm never sure. Life can be such a jerk, though.
Young Chronic Pain--That is a great thing to say. I have a friend who is undergoing chemo and I never know what to say.
Oh, I like this phrasing, I'm definitely pinching it to use for my other spoonie friends. I usually alternate between "I hope this flare calms down soon" (if it's just a flare up, not a new low baseline) or instead of "are you better yet?" I ask "how are you coping at the moment?" because that opens up discussion. My friends and I are good at letting each other know when we're just venting vs asking for advice.
People look so hurt when I tell them I am not going to get better. I don't mean to be difficult but I got tired of pretending things were improving when they weren't.
When people would tell me that I looked great, even though I had put effort obto giving that impression, I felt like false advertising. That underneath the pretty exterior, the interior was a mess.
Thanks, your video was sadly super relatable. Hoping things are more manageable for you soon.
Yes! Same for me. People just like to hear good news about it.
It’s true. Imo if you have a disability, others often expect you to comfort *them* about *your* disability. I don’t know why it is, and it seems to only be for this specific topic, but it seems like with illness and disability, people try to put the responsibility for their own feelings onto the person with the disability. “You’re sick and that makes me sad, so you need to comfort me about your illness/disability.” Not everyone is like that, thankfully, but there are so many who are. And acting like things are great, I hear ya!! It’s easier than feeling like you have to explain all the time.
My best friend started asking me "how far are you from base?" about a year ago as a fill gap for all of the "are you better yet" spots, and it seems to work pretty well. Sometimes we need to redefine "base," but it helps him understand whether I'm mad or happy about the severity/number of symptoms, and it helps me stay nonviolent on worse days.
Ahh the question...
"are you better yet?"
"nope. still have fibro. still sick."
I have fibro too 💔
I think it also sometimes sounds like the blame is yours for not feeling better...Which is really shitty :/
"Are you better yet?" sounds like "Did you get over yourself already?" and yeah. Nah.
Anyways, lots of love, sending good vibes your way 💕
Haha yes.. how dare you not get better!? You've ruined the social niceties by being ill or by not eating enough avocado toast!
So much this!
I get this a lot at work. Coworkers asking me in a very concerned voice how I'm doing, with the implication that they are hoping I will "be all better".
My supervisor asks me in a very straightforward tone "How are you feeling today?" and I can tell its a way for her to gauge how much energy I have and what tasks I'll be able to complete. It's a "What are you up for today?" Rather than an inquiry about if I'm "All better".
"Is your back feeling all better today?"
No, no its not. I have herniated disks. They're not gonna just fix themselves.
"You feelin' good with all... this?" *gestures at chest area*
No, No I am not, I have PoTS, my heart rate is 140 right now.
I've just started answering with a "Same old, same old." unless something is really bothering me that day- or if I am having a miraculously good day.
Anyway, hope you feel better soon, Jessica! I suggest demanding Claudia do your nails for you. :P I'm sure she's excellent at nail polish! She's... like... totally girly and into that stuff... xP
It’s so powerful to see your bad brain moments left in the video after editing! I have a really hard time with this when filming and hadn’t considered leaving them in.
I can relate with the whole “are you better yet” thing. My disability drove me to leave my job last year and I haven’t been well enough to find employment. I have had scores of people ask me countless of times whether I’m better yet, if I’ve found a job yet, and treating me like I’m such a disappointment. The fact of the matter is that I’m disabled, I will always be disabled even on my “good” days. A lot of people do have good intentions when they ask if I’m better, but it truly is such a difficult thing feeling like you’re letting people down over something you can’t control. Before, I used to be really sensitive over it and it used to, honestly, make me cry. Now, I try to remind myself that I’m doing the best I can depending on the day. Having a disability that comes with chronic pain can be really difficult so I try to be as gentle and compassionate with myself as I can. As far as alternatives to “are you better yet,” people close to me have started asking me if I’m having a “good day” in the context of my pain and my mental health as it’s suffered greatly in the midst of this drastic decline in my disability. I really appreciate this video, Jessica. I’m stuck in bed with pain today as I overdid it two days ago and am still paying for it. It can get really lonely. Sending you all the love!
relate to this soooooooooo much
Recently I watched a successful entrepreneur give a speech on how she got from being a homeless youth to a millionaire, and one thing really caught my "ear" - she said she treated each day as a new game start and for her the only goal was to get one level up each day - in her version it was to earn a 1 cent more each day, but I would argue that it can be applied to everything - learn one new thing (for example pass one duolingo lesson), apply to one job - whatever you can in a day, as long as you press start each and every day... and it won't always be successful, but it doesn't matter, because you tried. I wish you many good days, and when they're not, there's always tomorrow. :)
I can totally equate with you on this! When I told a friend I was quitting my job she asked what was I going to do now. I said what do you mean? She said for work. Well.... I gave up my work. So what are you going to do for a job? Get another one? No......I quit working. Confused pause. But you need to work....there must be something else you can maybe do. Umm, no, I have chronic illnesses and I'm too ill to work! Well, something less physical than you did before maybe? No. I'm. Too. Ill. To. Work. Maybe when you're better then? *bangs head off wall*
Miss Luna Well said :) When I read this I could relate so strongly.
Miss Luna I’m not disabled but people do this to me with depression and I hate it!
For some reason the phrasing "are you better" reminds me of that one time about 10 years ago when I sucked at english, had a sledge sliding accident with an exchange student and needed to ask her if she was ok, or rather, if she could walk. But instead of asking that I said "can you go" (going and walking are one word in german). I still cringe at the memory of having to ask a friend to walk up to the exchange student, appologize and explaining that I didnt want to make her walk away seconds after an accident.
I have chronic migraines and it is frustrating for me when people equate them to headaches, thinking that I’ll get better if I just drank more water, and it will be gone in two hours. But instead I’ll be out for at least the rest of that day, possibly more, I’ll throw up multiple times, I’ve got my own prescriptions for these migraines, and I have to deal with my post migraine symptoms. And not because I just didn’t drink enough water. I have a history of epilepsy and I grew out of it right into having migraines. People just have a problem with placing their personal health perception onto others.
Finally someone who gets it! It really irks me when people say to me, "you STILL have that headach" and I'm constantly wanting to shout about how it's not a headache! Also, people that say they had a migraine that morning, and it's only 11am and they are out doing hard manual labor like they've never felt pain a day in their life. Just, no!
Sammeee. I inherited chronic migraines from my mom and I've legitimately had people tell me "It's just a headache." no, dude, I feel like my brain is pounding against my skull every time I move.
I had those also, for two years, and I felt how I couldn’t explain what level of pain it was. I still don’t know why, but they stopped. I wish you my same luck.
I don't mean to tell you something you probably already know, and nothing is a panacea as I'm sure you know, but I thought I'd mention that Feverfew supplements have significant clinical evidence of reducing both the frequency and severity of migraines. My mom has chronic migraines and it has helped mitigate them a bit. It is _most_ effective in people with frequent migraines, especially ones accompanies by auras. It can be taken at doses of 100-300mg 1-4 times per day. I'm sure it doesn't work for everyone but in case you haven't tried it it may be worth a shot. More information here: examine.com/supplements/feverfew/
Same! I missed over 30 days of school last year because of it and my teachers act like I'm making excuses. Like, no, I would be there if I could, and many times I have shown up when I should've stayed at home. People like to explain your illness back to you like they know what you're going through better than you do... It needs to stop.
Ive learnt this year you can never judge a person by what you see.. don't always know what they're going through mentally or physically
I'm also chronically ill, and i hate when people ask; are you better, why are you still sick, you don't look sick, you look better. It makes my anxiety even worse and I just don't know what nor want to tell them.
Didn't realise how much I needed this video until right now. Having a really bad pain day and this cheered me up. Such a true message, my roommate asked me earlier I was better and my answer was just "nope. how was your day?" ps. you're tips on what you eat on a sick day and your how to cope with sickness tips have saved me today so I could keep something down and have so much needed pain killers. So, thank you for your content is what I'm basically trying to say. xx
Thank you for this video. I don't have a disability, but I really connected to this video because of my mental health. I sometimes am smiling and people go "ooooh, are you better?" but smiling doesn't change the way I feel on the inside. "Smile and you'll feel better" is some of the worst advice I've ever heard.
Also thank you for bringing us this video no matter what! Always a treat
I have the same thing going on!! People see a smile and assume all is well. News flash, people, most of us with severe depression smile and joke more than others. But I digress.
Have you seen Kati Morton? She made a video about something similar. When you "smile through the pain" it more typically brings people to associate smiling with negative feelings, than actually making anyone feel better.
I've heard "Just be positive" more times than I can count. Also "Do more sports", "eat healthier"or worst of them all "Just suck it up".
@@LeoCoreLP Ooooh yeah, that's always fun :( My family (who actually should know better by now - I'm pretty sure I inherited my lack of endorphins) strangely enough are very persistent about the "just smile" thing. It's weird.
@@mmtruooao8377 thank you for the suggestion! I have not seen the video in question, but I now shall go and check it out!
Your hair looks amazing. Just wanted to say
Jessica's hair is ALWAYS amazing, unless she's had a very bad day. Then it's just gorgeously straight and perfect all by itself. NO FAIR. ;_;
Thanks for watching my loves, let me know your thoughts around the word 'better' and how it feels for you!
If you're having trouble coping with a chronic illness or just feel there are some things you'd like to talk through then give BetterHelp a go: betterhelp.com/jessica
Jessica Kellgren-Fozard this video is so wonderful! It sums up how it feels dealing w ppl who can't understand chronic migraine is an ever changing daily struggle.
I try.. though as I put it to a friend's mother who is her primary medical emergency retired nurse carer on all of her road trips.. and at home. I'm a guy who does stupid things.
luckily the friend I go on trips to see once or twice a year when we're meeting halfway at a convention.. forgives me. She's quite blunt, so I can figure easily when she's contemplating ways to hit me with a club to make me think. So I know she enjoys the times I join her on the trips. I also easily stay awake as late as she does because she waits until she's too exhausted to stay awake to take the pain medication she needs to 1 hour before sleeping. During which time I stay out because she needs silence
Jessica Kellgren-Fozard thank you for this. Your sharing and honesty really helps me personally. I want to say so much more but essentially when I watch your videos I’m either inspired or am like, “same ie relatable...” .
I prefer to say or hear, “can we..., l’ve been thinking of you....how are you... how is your day looking?” Or even just expressing availability to talk or hang out. ❤️
On the captions; thanks for spending the time to! Much appreciated!
I really like this "peek into a not great day" thing. It kind of makes me feel like I get to know you better :) and not just on your best days
My wife came up with the best way of asking how I was doing with 'How are you doing for spoons today?' Which is great, because it saves her asking individually about pain, fatigue, porridge head or whatever my immune system decided to poke it's nose into that day.
All out of spoons. Only knives left.
Maxx B -That is a fantastic way for you & your wife to communicate!! Hope you don’t mind if I borrow it to use with my hubby... he ALWAYS asks “How did you feel today? How was your belly, any high temps or headaches”? And while I ADORE him for caring enough to ask, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t “really” want to know how my belly was when my answer is going to be....I couldn’t keep anything in my system b/c I had to run to the bathroom every half hour”, LOL 🤦🏼♀️. Instead, using spoons to quantify my day will spare him details he doesn’t need to hear! Saying something like “I’m low on belly spoons” is enough to tell him I had a bad GI Day! Thanks for the awesome idea! 🤗💜😘
Spoons? I'm so confused 😆
@@allimurphy9984 The spoon theory is a way of talking about chronic conditions that was invented by...I can't remember the name, an online disability advocate. Google it, it's a very useful way of talking about chronic conditions. No, it's not British.
Alli Murphy -Either Google or just search “The Spoon Theory” here on CZcams. Those of us who are “Spoonies” have chronic illnesses & use the term often. Also, I’m not trying to be mean at all, just to educate..but you probably wouldn’t see us using a laughing emoji with them. I promise I’m not being catty 🙀 (..sorry, I set myself up for that one, 🤦🏼♀️), seriously though, if you had posted that on the main comments, you may have gotten hammered by some very mean replies, & I wouldn’t want to see that happen!! 🤗💜
EDIT: I had too look it up, it was written by Lupus Warrior Christine Miserandino of New York. She also is the creator of the blog & Facebook Page, “But You Don’t Look Sick”!! Jessica also made a video re: the Spoon Theory, so you can search her channel too, but Christine’s story includes how she came up w/it & why as well. Hope this helps! 💜
I really hate when people ask me 'when' I'm gonna be better...like girl..I wanna know too. With a chronic mental illness I will never be 'good' but I will have better days... at unpredictable times.
Yes! I had posted a comment about something similar. It was phrased to me as "when are you going to be healthy again?" and it I had the same reaction. If I could choose when I would have picked years ago. It's like do you have a magic wand because tomorrow would be great.
PHILLY D JUST SHOUTED OUT JESSICA ON TODAY'S SHOW!
That's why I'm here. Just subbed.
I wanted to write that too! I was so happy when he mentioned her in his video, I am so glad.
Funny thing - I found Jessica a few days before phil made that shout out - just by browsing suggested - has there been a spike in subs lately??
Maybe CZcams has been plugging this channel a bit ;)
I hope so, because Jessica is amazing...
I was so happy when I saw that! Two of my favorite people on youtube
I try to be careful with my wording, as I have chronic pain and as like many of us, when I hear that sometimes I wanna bop them on the head instead of re-explaining what chronic means. My friends now say "Hope your day gets better, or having a good day?" instead of "are you better yet?" and I like that a lot more than if I am better. Because they show their concern but instead I can talk about other things, and describe how it may be a tad more difficult day than before or an easier day. Thanks for this video, you are an amazing woman (so is your wife) can't I hope you have an enjoyable rest of your day/evening!
I've had a chronic illness since I was six years old and it was always so hard when other kids incessantly asked if I was getting better. I always knew they were coming from a good place, but it was difficult to deal with since I knew the answer would always be no. I'm seriously so happy that someone is out there talking about this. Thank you.
Thank you for this video. It helped me to understand how to talk to my family members that have chronic illness. I hope you feel better soon.
This is amazing. As someone who deals with chronic illness and has struggled with family members not really getting it for many many years, it warms my heart so much that you are doing what you can to better understand your family members.
I get the "are you better yet" or "you're looking well/better" and it makes me feel like I am not allowed to be unwell/disabled in society. It makes me feel like I am not allowed to engage with society when I am not at my best. This has had a huge effect on me in that to this day I do not go out if I am not great - this leads to a life lived indoors!
I really relate to this. People are so uncomfortable with other people being chronically ill or disabled or in pain that they unknowingly put pressure on us to feel better or to only talk about the good days. I think illness would be so much less isolating if more people were able to accept that we will have good days and bad days and we probably won't recover, but we're still people who want to be part of other people's lives.
@@heyhaileyjoy exactly! It's like when you first get ill (if you weren't born with it) people are all caring and lovely but after a few months they just seem to get bored and it's like "aren't you better yet?" it's such a strange concept like people seem to get fed up of you being ill after a while and only want to see you well. It's like jeez are you still ill when are you going to get better and be normal again? Infuriating!!!
Yes, so true, unfortunately. I think people have this idea that you shouldn't accept illness or disability, but what people don't understand is that when you have one there comes a point where you can't start creating a life that works with your limits until you've accepted those limits. And it's so much harder to accept them and figure out how to live with them when so many people don't think you should accept them and are uncomfortable with the idea that you will always have symptoms and that your life can still be worth living with them.
@@heyhaileyjoy couldn't have said it better myself!
this, i’m becoming more accepting of my state of illness- it’s valid
Thank you for this video! I have Dysthymia, which is a type of chronic depression that means I don’t experience relief from depression for more than a few days or weeks before I’m depressed again. I’ve been depressed pretty much every day for at least the past eight years. When I’m more high functioning, people will say things like “I’m so glad you’re better now!” It feels crappy because I know a bad period is likely just a day or a week away.
I like your alternative of “I hope you feel better soon”.
I needed this. It’s been hard to have people ask with concern, “oh... how are you doing?” Or “You look good! You feel good huh?” And I’m just sitting there feeling frustrated as all heck. I’m never going to ✨magically ✨ poof back to who I was before my illnesses struck. I try and view it from a place of love, but it is of course hard to only be asked this question. Everyone else gets the question, “Oh how is school? Oh how is work? What have you been up to?” For the past TWO YEARS, I have yet to get these question but rather get the “oh.....” questions. AH! I’m happy that I’m not alone in that.
Thank you for this video!
You are definitely not alone! I find it funny actually that sometimes some of my bad days (where I have to leave the house) are usually the days I get complimented the most. "You look great!" "did you do something different today? you look really good" and its like I want to say "....I feel like I'm dying" haha.
Ah, yes. When depression hits- are you feeling better? When chronic pain hits- are you feeling better? Nope. They're pretty much here to stay for long periods of time. This did not change 3 years ago or even yesterday. Still a thing!
Still very much a thing... ❤️
Or "how are you feeling?" Some days it's just impossible to stop the glib responses from falling out of my mouth. Other days I'd be happy to come up with something glib. And people saying "why are you anxious?" Argh. There is no "why" - that's why it's a disorder. (Thanks for letting me rant on your comment thread. I feel better now )
I’m sorry but I don’t understand why it’s inappropriate to ask people if they’re feeling better? Like if you saw someone during a really bad day, and you see them weeks later and they seem to be less in pain, is it not appropriate to inquire as to how they’re doing? Same with like, someone asking if you feel better after taking your medication. It seems pretty normal behaviour in those instances. And “how are you feeling” is literally what therapists ask you in therapy sessions, and is such a common question I cannot for the life of me see why it’s offensive. (Before someone screams at me, I’m mentally ill and have several chronic conditions myself).
I understand not liking "Are you feeling better yet" because the yet is almost accusatory, but is it completely out of the question to ask if someone's feeling better? Most chronic illnesses are relapsing-remitting and have ups and downs. I have depression and I have good days and bad days. In this context, is it not ok to see if someone's feeling better than they were the last time you saw them? Obviously this is in understanding the chronic illness will not be cured. If not, what is the best way to ask how someone is doing? Just trying to understand.
The duck thoughts is SO TRUE!!!!
If someone talks to me when I’m trying to think it’s like they’ve just batted the hook out of my hand and now I have to find the hook before I chase the duck.
I always just lie and say “Yes, thanks for asking.” It sucks. I can’t be honest about how I’m feeling because not very many people actually care? They just want to know if you are now able to do the things they want you to do.
"baseline of okness" I loved that. It's always so hard to answer the question "how are you" for me bc if it's a good day and I say OK, then it's like ppl think I'm getting better and say things like "you'll keep getting better" or things that imply I can go back to the life I had before my incurable chronic illness!
Thank you so much for putting this into words. I have never been able to explain this to people. The way my heart sinks when people hope I’m well now or tell me to get better. Even family.
Thanks for this, not only for validating me but also making a video that I can point to when I don’t have enough spoons or feel upset about someone’s response and can’t play educator.
...I don't think I've ever asked..."are you better yet?" I'm American and that sounds weird to me..like something is missing in that phrase. "I hope you feel better" sounds like correct English...and I know that relative to where you live. Thank you for this video...my friend was jus diagnosed with lupus and I did some research to my delight and horror because I always thought lupus was a form of cancer.
Thank you💋 I hope you feel better...always
I really felt this video - both the frustration of people assuming that you’ll get better, and the struggle to find words with brain fog. To me when someone says “oh, you look good/ better” my brain takes it as an achievement of holding up the lie of being ‘normal’ and looking well. I understand in myself that that isn’t a great way to think, but my brain refuses to listen and likes to continue making itself happy with toxic patterns 😅.
Hope life gives you some more spoons soon Jessica, just keep swimming! 💕💕
oh, i feel you so much on this. every morning my parents ask me "how's your head?" and it's bad every day. every single day. i have chronic intractable migraine that isn't going away. i've had two days without pain in the past i think, five years at this point. and i can tell every time that they really want me to wake up cured, and say "i'm all better and this is all over and i'm normal now." and i already feel like a huge disappointment, so having to disappoint them every single morning when my condition still isn't magically cured makes me feel horrible.
It's the same with mental illness and it's so...complicated and tough sometimes.
This is really relatable, I always use 'How are you feeling', 'I hope you feel better soon' and similar. Thank you for the video, I hope you feel better soon! xx
I have been struggling for years with problems related to mental health and I can also relate to this video. Although it's a different situation, it also upsets me when people demand me to be better after just one or two months of treatment with therapy and medication. My brain constantly screws me up and people are like "ugh she is so negative, you looked sad three days ago about time to cheer up again". Just like you said, I don't have a cold and it's upsetting when people don't recognize your effort on doing things normally
I once had someone seriously ask me, "Still diabetic?" I replied, "Yeah, that's how diabetes works."
We completely understand. Just do what you can when you can. You will never let me down. You are doing amazing. I hope you feel better soon.
Thank you as always for sharing and knowing how so many others feel. I find it hard when others start telling me about their own pain/ailment and follow it with but it’s nothing next to yours! I spend so much time telling people it’s all relative to what your used to and my pain doesn’t take away from their crappy time of it 😔 I too prefer hope you feel better x
I find your use language funny because as a Dutch person I would rather say: I hope you feel better soon. Then say : are you better yet?
I find it comforting that as a healthcare professional that I use the correct language towards the patients that I help. Your videos help me understand people with chronic illness and how to best to help and communicate with them. But I also like all your other videos.
With love from the Netherlands
it upsets me that you dont have more subscribers. Even on your bad days your videos still make me smile because your beautiful personality shines through. I truly hope you *feel* better, Jessica😊
I really needed this today. A couple weeks ago I went to a theme park type thing with my family, and since then I've been spending 90% of the time in bed (I own a dog. She needs to go outside sometime), and then whenever I've gained some energy and/or motivation to leave the house, I've gone to visit my girlfriend, or like yesterday I went to a friend/mentor to do some dog training and socializing, and I've been bedridden since then..
People would say how good my cousin Dee look. But she only came out when she looked well, she had lung cancer! Just like her You are a brave warrior! You simply live your as best you can! Please don't think you let us down because you never have❤
Thank you for always saying these things. I know they mean well but some days I just want to shake them and remind them "I'M NOT GOING TO GET BETTER." I might get "different" for a time. I might feel better. But there is no such thing as Getting Better for me. I have a degenerative condition.. It only gets worse with time. I just get to feel different.
I needed this today! Not only am I dealing with my health insurance being a total pain (American healthcare is the worst), but both my chronic conditions are acting up and I feel like garbage. I use a brace to help with chronic pain in my wrist, and there are countless people who see me on a normal basis and ask things like "How much longer until you can take that off?" or, of course, "Are you feeling better?" It's exhausting to explain, over and over, sometimes to the same people, that I have a chronic condition and I won't be getting better. They may see me without the brace sometime when I'm having a good week, but it will, without doubt, be back, and I'd really like to not have to repeat this same exact conversation with them again.
It's nice when people show concern, and I really do appreciate it, but I wish everyone wouldn't come with the expectation that everyone who is ill gets better. Or I wish that they would at least be a little more receptive to actually listening when I talk about what's wrong so that they don't ask the same thing in a week or two. I like your suggestion of "Are you feeling better" because that strikes me as much more friendly to disabled and chronically ill people than a sentiment that runs on the assumption that we all will be perfectly well someday.
Thanks for coming alongside me today and making me feel less alone, Jessica!
I needed this video today. i can really relate. It was a nice pick me up on a day like today. I just slept for 12 hours, had a bowl of cereal, and now I'm exhausted. *sigh*
I think the easiest way to speak to other people regardless of their medical condition is to speak to things they can control. I tend to avoid speaking about things like weight or health as something to like...compliment.
Also I love brainfog!Jessica videos, I live in the fog many days so it's like someone is speaking my language.
Ah, you've put words to a lot of my thoughts! It's so difficult to try to figure out a way to say that I'll never really be better. Yes, the symptoms are sometimes better or worse, but that's not in any way recovery...it doesn't ever disappear. I'm always going to be tired. I'm always going to be in pain. Some days, I handle it better. Other days, it wears me down to the point of tears because I'm just tired of doing it all the time. The question that I still have a hard time answering, though, is "How are you doing today?" How does someone answer that question truthfully without making the asker uncomfortable? It's one thing to smile and claim to be okay, but I'm uncomfortable essentially lying just to make sure my conversational partner doesn't feel awkward about their question. It's this constant paranoia of letting them down if I'm honest (I'm just tired from the constant management of it all), even if I follow it up with a cheerful, "...but I'm glad to be here!"
I know it took a lot of effort to get through filming this, but thank you for doing so. A month and a half of feeling worse is rough, so I hope you'll feel better soon - if you're not starting to feel better already.
Jessica, sweetie, I understand! I wish I could take your pain away. I suffer with chronic pain as well, and my cognitive function is effected often. You are wonderful and I hope you feel better soon. Xoxo
As a person with mental health issues that can affect the health of the rest of my body, I just appreciate a simple," How are you feeling today?" It is simple, doesn't call out any specific health problems, but let's me know that it's what they are implying, either it be mental or physical. It can also be something that an acquaintance uses, where I can be as vague or detailed as I want, or something that close family and friends use, in which I can be more descriptive and let them know if I need something, like keeping an eye out for me in case something happens, or maybe I need to be left alone and just deal with it myself. "How are you feeling also makes me check in with myself, especially with close family and friends, because In order for them to be there for me I have to be aware of myself and what is going on.
You have educated me. I do hope you feel better soon. Also, your hair in this video is KNOCK OUT STUNNING GORGEOUS. Well done. x
I have chronic back pain, that will never be better. We are trying many different plans to help the pain, but it'll be here forever. I get this "Are you better yet?" all of the time. Then they look so shocked when I remind them "No, I will never be better. It's a chronic problem. "
It's when people take offence because you say "no it's not ever going to change.." you get that awkward silence for about 30 seconds before someone changes the subject or falls into the facepalm of "... oh, my friends, brothers dogs aunt had that and was cured by going outside more"
YES YES YES! This video explains how I feel when people say I am doing better. I always want to say that yes, I am having a good day but that does not mean that I am better but I have gotten to a point where it seems pointless with some people. I am sorry you have been having such a hard time recently. I hope you start feeling better soon. Remember that you are never alone and that you are loved. Hopefully soon you will have more good days than bad.
Trust me. I know. I haven’t even gotten to afford a hair cut. Times I could go something for me im too exhausted to get out. I have a shit quality of life. I broke my pinky the other day and it only exasperated attitude from my only couple of family members I have. It’s so depressing. I’m so lonely but it’s exhausting to even think of love or partner. I’m stressed by the only two ppl I care for and I am upset w them but they’re 70. They just don’t have that much time left I know so I stay terrified to lose them but they break my heart. I totally agree with you bc we can’t just heal and move on. But I love you Jessica
Jess I hope you return to your baseline soon. Blessed be.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this, Jessica. I hope you feel better soon. I've always said that myself because as someone who deals with a mental health disability and several physical health problems, "feeling" better is such a difference because I'll never "be" 100% better. There'll always be something there, because like you said, that's the nature of chronic illness. However, we're, of course, hoping for better days, and when I get a "keeping my fingers crossed" vibe from friends, I appreciate that a lot.
I absolutely love you and your videos I get sick quite a lot because I have a pretty weak immune system and watching your videos especially when Im sick always makes me feel better so thank you ily💜
I personally love the quote "I hope the pain eases soon".
Cause for me it fits really well with my depression. It's a nice blessing and hopefull.
I used to get SO MAD when asked this question!! As you mentioned, THERE IS NOT EVER GOING TO BE AN “I’M PERFECTLY FINE” moment! However, my husband pointed out once that I may be looking at a comment or message incorrectly, & I had actually caused the problem!! In instances where I have posted on Facebook or Instagram that I’m having a bad headache week or my GI system was worse than normal, etc., if someone says (writes) “Are you feeling better?”, they are most likely alluding to the last thing I posted, not my whole set of illnesses! I think it is MUCH more clear if someone asks, “Is your headache, (belly, etc.), feeling better, but; most people don’t tend to get on that personal of a level unless they know you well. It is much more benign to simply say “Are you better, doing better, feeling better?”, etc. I try to be direct & straight out say “I hope your headache resolves quickly so you can enjoy the last bit of summer!”, or something like that. Just remember, if you posted that you were “feeling worse this week”, someone saying “Are you feeling better yet?” may innocently only be referring to what you last posted, not your ENTIRE condition(s)!! I’ve had to learn by loosing my temper & making friends feel horrible because what they are asking was completely different from what I was choosing to hear!! Love you all!! 🤗💜😘
"I'm glad you're feeling better" it's my favourite. I might LOOK "better" but I'm not....soooo bugger off.
Oh that “you look so much better” thing kills me. It’s like yes, I know, because it’s an invisible illness and I hate letting people see me at my worst so I put on my makeup and my nice clothes and smile so I look okay but I’m still sick! Im in a good place now but when I was going through the worst of it, ‘hope you get better soon!’ Was the worst thing ever. It’s so upsetting g because I will never be better, I will always be reliant on drugs and hospital to live my life. It’s so much better to say “feel better soon” or “I hope your situation gets better” because both of those things can happen. I hope all you chronically ill and disabled babes know you are strong as heck and I hope you feel better soon x
Thank you so much for all you do, Jessica. I struggle with mental illness (which I see as a chronic illness, because I get incredible fatigue when it does flare up), and my mother struggles with an autoimmune disorder as well as fibromyalgia, diabetes, AND arthritis, and your content helps me to not only be gentle with myself when I'm having bad days, but it also helps me to be more compassionate towards my mother. She's been sick my whole life, but it gets worse as she gets older, and it's scary to watch someone you love struggle with brain fog, fatigue and degrading mobility. So thank you for making your voice heard, because it does help!
Bless you hon. You will feel better when you do. People need to stop asking.
1) thank you for talking about this and just lifting the stigma. hope you will feel better soon
I’m having a terrible pain day and I’ve had to duck out of a lot of outings with my friends because of it. By pain day I mean pain month I guess. But this was so much needed. I finally feel like there’s someone who understands that “are you better yet” frustration. Even if they’re kind, but it’s so challenging. There’s no getting better. Maybe hope that now this next doctor will take me seriously. Maybe hope I’ll get an appointment that work well with my schedule. But frankly my base level of existence is pain and it doesn’t change.
I have trained my family and friends to say EVERYONE to say " I hope you're feeling better"
I relate to this so much. I have serious allergies (anaphylaxis) and eosinophilic esophagitis. Although it is possible to go into remission with EoE, my doctors think it's not likely in my case. Of course they didn't even think I could improve at all, and I proved them wrong there :). I had to cancel a dentist's appointment recently because I was having a really bad day. They told me to call back and re-book when I'm "all better". And I'm thinking "you have on file that I have chronic illnesses.....what an ignorant thing to say." It drives me nuts even more when people ask if my partner is "better yet". He has MS!! I almost feel like saying "oh yes - his myelin sheaths started spontaneously regenerating. It's a miracle!" But, although I can be that sarcastic, I'm not that rude.
Feel better lovely person!! :D You're awesome Jessica!
I was not ready for that voice dear Lord never stop talking
Thank you so much for making this video. It's describing so much of how I've been feeling for the last two years!! So many times the response to people asking me 'are you better yet' is 'yes from the thing I last mentioned, but now I have this...' and when people say 'well you look great' I have NO idea what to say.
Jessica- I love this video. I usually say I hope you feel better versus I hope you get better because I never feel 100% well.
I have chronic migraines. Last week I had one that lasted 4 days. I had to go to urgent care on Sunday to get a Toradol injection to help relieve the pain. My migraines are triggered partially by a lack of quality sleep. I can’t sleep well when I have a migraine, so it’s a bit of a never ending circle. Also having an anxiety disorder means my brain doesn’t like to shut off to allow me to have a good nights rest. The injection made me tired enough to sleep, so it helped ease the pain and keep me from getting another migraine later that day.
I appreciate that you made this video, and I truly hope you do feel better soon!
I also feel those sorts of feelings when people ask if i'm feeling better if they know about my anxiety and depression. And if I say in response "I'm not so great," they ask why not... "No, I'm still pretty anxious. Trying to be ok, but i'm still dealing with it every day."
And when I get tired of giving the same answer, I just say I'm good and put on a smile so I don't feel bad about burdening them.
I will keep that in mind.
Oh wow, the bobbing thoughts. Yes. Had to write an essay yesterday (4 pages) and it took me so damn long. Just re-writing constantly and sitting there, just staring into nothingness, trying to think. After i finished I had to lay down and cry. My gosh, life is exhausting. And the sad part is: I know I could have done much better. I'm just done.
I don't have a disability but I relate to this so much with my mental health. Sometimes people don't even ask "Are you better?" they ASSUME! "I can tell you are so much better now" as.... I'm there smiling but crying on the inside..... Yup I'm SO much better... haha. :/
I hope you feel better soon, Jessica, I know I have been feeling a lot better lately thanks to your content. Thank you for everything!
"We can have a baseline that is very different to other people's baseline." Oh my goodness yes. This rings so true... literally felt like a bell rang in my head.
I love your videos, I learn a lot watching them. All of my love! I admire your desire to teach, to share and to help other people. Also, you are very beautiful!
this was great to watch to understand a little better what brain fog must feel like. thanks for putting in the effort to make a video for us even when its not a great day xx
I always tell someone "feel better fast", and if I'm writing it it's usually followed by numerous hugs and kisses 😊
That topic is so funny to me. I've very recently had a chat about this subject with most of the friends that are around me regularly. I really prefer being asked if I feel better, since that's the way I judge my abilities that day and what I can and cannot do. I genuinely ask myself how I feel every morning to establish what most accurately is "the baseline of the day". I am never really better as such due to my chronic illness, although my motor functions might be categorised better under "being better", since they work better when I'm, well, less ill. It's just that "feeling better" is really discouraging, because it gives a sense of something that can actively be changed by the person feeling ill. So when loved ones ask if you are better, when you really just feel better and have a better baseline that day, it sort of becomes a slippery slope that leads to outburst like "I feel like you're always sick in one way or another" or "can't you just look better out for yourself and get over it". It's just a wrong label on illness for me, since I'm not really in a position to make my body do anything at all (trust me I tried), so I just work with what I'm given on that day and comments like that can make my hard work feel very belittled fast.
It's never just you! This goes for everyone.
I like 'how are you doing?' That way I get to start off where I am and then people can be like 'that sucks' or 'that sounds better then last time we chatted'
I can relate to this so much
I just want to say thank you for this and thank you for sharing the bad days as well. I am having a mental illness, that doctors think I was born with and it's almost no one, who gets completely cured from it. But I have never thought of the question as you have, but I think it's because I've been too "scared" to be honest... I find it so hard to say "No, I'm not feeling better/good". So I just wanted to say to people that might ask "Are you better yet", that it's so "easy" to just say "I'm fine" even though you feel really really bad, so please if you want to really know what's up and if someone are better... perhaps ask in a different way or ask a few more questions.
Because the thing I find problematic about the "Are you better yet"-question is, that many people only ask that question.....
Sorry about my rant, I feel bad tonight, but your video definitely helped.
Aaaand English isn't my first language, so I hope people understand what I mean.
I understand what you mean! It does seem "easier" sometimes to just say I'm fine or things are getting better. You are right, not many of them follow up with other questions so it just ends up awkward if I told the truth. I hate being a downer too. When people ask me "are you better yet" I usually end up just saying "getting there". I hope you feel better!
I say well done for a low energy day. My mom and I were talking about this today. Chronic illness and other such things We both agree that prayers and sending good thoughts are all well and good but we both would rather be the friends that come round and tidy up or help you do your nails. My personal favorite was to do shoes. Kind of makes me wish I was closer so I could pop round and do some thing for you and Claudia because I was just in the neighborhood.
Thank you, this helped. My disability is mental (depression/PTSD, etc.) And I feel like I should feel better as things improve....well I am going to cut myself some slack from now on.
When people ask questions and try to engage in understanding the illness, rather than giving a blanket statement of “feel better”. - please do this, please
It's not just you. I get it all the time. Despite my family trying to be supportive and understanding of my chronic illness, they don't seem to get it. I understand how difficult it is though for them. This is their first encounter with an invisible illness. I find the easiest way is to tell them that it takes me at least twice as long to recover from regular illnesses and my flare ups can last hours to days, So when they ask how I'm doing I reply with the relative crappiness scale. 'Normal crappy' is my baseline. 'Better than normal' is a good day, where I can actually enjoy doing things, then we have 'crap', which is when my meds don't want to work with me. 'Crappy', where it's best to leave me alone unless you enjoy grumpy people and finally 'had enough of this crap' where I take my extra strong meds and stay in bed and be a whole bunch of no fun.
Oh and 'porridge head', don't ask me stuff as I'm having a hard of thinking kind of day.
Thanks for making these videos. I've shown some relevant ones to friends and family to help explain things more eloquently than I can when porridge head strikes.
BetterHelp is a really incredible platform. Thanks for being a mental health advocate
I wish you feel better! You're such a great person and I always learn good things from your videos! 💖
I really hate each phrase you said too. I organically started saying “I hope you feel better” because that’s what I want others to say to me when I’m having a bad day. This is me, just switch to fibromyalgia instead. Love you and I hope you FEEL better 😅💕💕💕
Sarah Lillian, right there w/u. Sending u spoons.
This is so relatable on so many levels ❤️ Thank you for making this
7:24 what a brilliant metaphor
Thank you again for another amazing, educational video! 🤩❤️
My mother has fibromyalgia and I often get asked by relatives and acquaintances about her health. The way they state the question always pulls me up short, because I don't know how to answer them. They always ask me, like you and so many others in the comment said, like my mother should have gotten better by now. I feel like I constantly have to remind people who have known her for more than 30 years what the effects of her illness are. I always have to ask myself, are they asking about her illness or her general state besides her illness, if you know what I mean?
I so appreciate you, your family and all the content you post on this channel. My life has truly been enriched by it. 💖
I hope everyone out there is feeling a bit better soon. ✨
Thanks for this wonderful video!
I really feel this. I don't have a physical chronic illness but i have depression (not severe) and even if i have good days i know its still there in the back of my head. so this whole “how are you/are you better“ thing is so... difficult to navigate. yes, i might feel better but “better“ isnt “im 100% fine“. a lot of people dont get that
This, 1000x this! My husband's health has been on decline the last two years due to various health crises, and EVERY TIME I speak to my parents, I have to explain why he's not "better" yet. Why he can't work. Why he spends all day in bed. Thanks so much for for verbalizing how we have felt for a long time.
I have hypermobile joints and get pain almost everyday. My joint will never be like a “normal persons” and it isn’t always fun. I love your videos and you inspire everyday to live a normal life with something extra
I found you because of Philip DeFranco. I stayed because of you. 🌸