This Social Mistake Makes You Look Low Status
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- čas přidán 14. 05. 2024
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In today’s video we’re going to show you 7 bad charisma habits that will consistently make people dislike you.
By becoming aware of these mistakes, you can hopefully avoid making them.
⏰TIMESTAMPS⏰
0:00 - Intro
0:08 - #1: Vulnerability Dropping
0:55 - #2: Conversational Narcissism
2:14 - #3: Question Cutting
3:17 - #4: Trampling Boundaries
5:22 - #5: Teasing Sensitive Topics
6:42 - #6: Giving Unsolicited Advice
7:42 - #7: Instant Aggression
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As a writer, I like these. It's a good way to make my readers dislike the villains for the right reasons and to keep the good guys flawed but still likable.
Smart
This is very interesting, tell us more
@@iStorm-my5fp Quite a lot goes into writing a book or a movie or anything with fictional characters. If you have protagonists and antagonists, you want the audience to like the protagonist and dislike the antagonist. Alternatively, they could like both. You never want the audience to dislike the protagonist. You also don't want the audience to feel nothing for the antagonist. This channel and others like it help me to pick out characteristics that connect with an audience in a desirably positive or a desirably negative way.
Let me give you an example. I have an antagonist I have been writing that is manipulative and dangerous. I want him to be outwardly charming to other characters, but I want the audience to see his manipulations and be creeped out. What I don't want is for the audience to fall in love with the guy because he is charming. This channel had a video about how to spot a sociopath. I made sure to emphasize to the audience the negative traits while hiding them from the characters. I'm not a sociopath myself, so things like this are really helpful.
@@danjager6200 This is very interesting, tell us more
Ooooo good point!
"ukrainians dying and having to leave their country"
"I couldn't visit Italy"
REALLY
Boomers
Why does this woman got a job there what a selfish b
Joy behalf’s existence summed up in that exchange
how does Joy take the joy out of everything?
Coming from a panel of narcissist doesn't really surprise anyone?
I'm guilty of conversational narcissism. I used to be a lot more introverted and thought it was a way to "keep the conversation going" when I felt awkward and didn't know what to say. I also noticed a lot of people doing it. Never thought about how rude it can be until more recently. Now it's just a bad habit I'd like to break.
I think it’s ok to share a similar story about yourself, but first acknowledge what the other person shared and ask more questions if you’re genuinely interested. It’s a way to get to know each other, so I think it’s ok so long as the other person was validated and heard
Same.
At some point I was so afraid to break someone else's boundaries that I just was choosing to not ask any questions.
As a result I was usually just talking about myself in conversations
@@Winter0425 but then it wont be "conversational narcissism" anymore , you shifted the entire point of the comment the person made lol
@@absi49 lol true
Totally agree. I think the trick is not to cut someone off before they're done sharing. Then making sure you relating isn't belittling what they've just shared. Then be quick and concise with what you share, using to it show your understanding. Finally bringing it around back to them. Your showing your understanding, relating, then bringing it back to them to expand if they feel the need. Letting them know you get it and are willing to listen to them go deeper.
1. Vulnerability droping: making fun of someone who just open up and being vulnerable.
2. Conversational narcism: keep making things about yourself.
3. Question cutting: interrupt immediately after asking question.
4. Trampoline boundaries: asking other people when someone else wanted to move on to another topic.
5. Teasing sensitive topic
6. Giving unsolicited advice.
7. Instant aggression: respond with too much hostility too fast too soon.
You mean trampling?
I think it's "trampling boundaries" not "trampoline boundaries" or did I misunderstand?
Thank you so much for thinking of us and posting this.
I do number two way too much, although the therapist that had to analyze me after leaving the military said I am the diabolical opposite of a narcissist and that I’m very compassionate. But I bring topics back around to myself too much and they said it’s from PTSD from the military. Because supposedly I have too much unprocessed shiz.
I mean this comment is an example. I’m talking about myself. Which maybe is pretty normal on CZcams but I do it too much.
@@j4513 all the best to you to fix your mental issue 👍
@@harizbadrulhisham3805 Thank you very much, brother 👍🏼 Really appreciate that.
That private mace joke was absolutely jaw dropping
Such bad taste. wow
It wasn’t even funny lol
Just gross.
@@RM-xl1edit was heartless
No empathy, clueless. The soldier had tears in his eyes. Not the time for a joke.
“5 million people displaced, it’s heartbreaking.”
“Yeah and what about my vacation?!”
I’m embarrassed for that woman.
Joyless Joy is one of the worst people on Earth. Its simply unimaginable to me how so many people can actually watch that show... Between her and Whoopi Goldberg there is so much smug narcisism and pontificating condescension I cant handle it.
I was like “…whaaatttt?” when i heard her statement about Italy 🤦🏻♀️
The show is "liberal" so they can lie and be nasty and get a free pass
To be honest... It probably connected more with the people that watch that show, lol.
You'd be surprised how many people took the pandemic as "Oh God, look at how bad I have it because I can't go on vacation".
Jimmy Fallon is a consistent example of what not to do. He's the epitome of someone who has to be in the spotlight at all times.
God. That first joke about private Mace was.. heartbreaking.
I can't believe he actually made a joke like that.
I could see the pain in that man's eyes.
I understand how that joke might appear in your head if you are a quip machine. And a machine would just spit it out. A considerate human being would simply suppress it. I had to learn this as well.
Wow just realized i exhibit conversational narcissism. Used to think i was being relatable turns out i was being a douche. Finally understand why my partner keeps bringing that up lol
You were being a what??? Please define.
It's probably not narcissistic, just a neurodivergent person's way of trying to be empathetic.
@@margocarmichael6765 It's a slang term for being obnoxious or offensive.
@@DocStewie77 honestly the way I'm both aware of this & trying to break it is extremely difficult to navigate.
@@BobbiHiru I don't think it is. The video suggests these might be things that people do. It's an open invitation for people to confirm.
I think the most common one is the conversational narcissist. It feels like every person does this because they are trying to relate
Or they do it because it's hard to focus on and engage with someone that isn't themselves
@@hudsonensz2858 it could also be a temporary shift. To maybe help lighten the air or help the listener refocus a second. But as others have said, it become narcissistic when you don't go back to the other person's point.
It's important to show that you relate and are actively engaged in the conversation. It takes a bit more work, but I found a great way to do this is to look for the way the topic affects both of you. Like, "Oh, I know right? [Topic situation] is SO annoying. Don't you hate it when [Relatable experience with topic situation]" then I give them the floor again to continue the conversation.
Asking questions like "How'd you feel what it happened?" keeps the focus of the conversation on them, but if you only ask questions it can start to feel like you're interrogating them, or that you are only paying minimal attention. You gotta mix it up.
I have a long term friend who always monopolizes the doom. He's got it the worst, he never has any money (he lived off this parents and hardly ever got a job is why) but don't tell him that. His suffering is always the greatest, and what makes it the most annoying, is he acts like other people don't bust their asses to have what they have. His bad luck trumps everything.
@@wulfooo Not really. If he talked behind his back to other people that also know him, then yeah. But giving an anonymous example on the internet, doesn't really say anything negative about him
i do the conversational narcissism and im trying to work on it, most of my life ive been ignored and treated like i dont exist and its caused me to try and bring some focus on me and now its a problem, im working on it and this video helps thank you
Invalidated childhood is a big component in Cluster B traits.
@@AECommonThread2137 i can see that being a decently big factor, i also have adhd so cutting people off and then apologizing because I know I will forget what im gonna say is another isue added to it too but ive been pretty good about both of those since ive posted this comment so progress has been made
@@ultimatewafflegaming1018 as long as you have a way of communicating "I didn't mean to interrupt you, please continue," IMHO I think you deserve people in your life who put effort into being understanding of you. Socializing is already hard for everyone, neurodivergence makes it harder. It looks like you're working really hard to make things better for yourself and others, you deserve to be kind to yourself.
@@AECommonThread2137 What is invalidated childhood?
My neighbors like this. If you tell her your uncle drowned in a lake, her uncle drowned in two lakes. There’s no winning.
Growing up, I was taught that “unasked for advice is criticism.” That’s proven true so many times (I’m a slow learner 🤦🏻♀️) and I try to remember it in my conversations
That is very good advice (!). I’m terrible for giving out unwanted advice. Because I always want to find a solution when presented with a problem. But most of the time people don’t want to hear about possible solutions, they just want to share the load and get a problem off their chest. I understand this a bit more now because I’ve got problems of my own and have got offended on several occasions when people offer advice, even though it was probably well-meant.
I got my mom a refrigerator magnet that said “stop trying to help, I just want to complain” and she got real mad at me 😂😂😂
tha't s a great point and i'm going to remember it. It's like mom and I talk about she should be CHARGING for her advice because relatives that should be taking it are not listening!!!
@@fecklessmovies I am just now realizing I do the same thing. And the people in my life I look up to or love to be around almost never give advice.
I have also gotten lightly offended when I’m around someone who gives too much advice… yet I have that issue.
It’s a good day when CZcams is able to help you grow as a person lol wasn’t expecting that.
There is nothing wrong with criticizing as long as it's valid. Problem is with people today is that they don't get criticized and then they think they can get away with whatever they want.
That "saving private mace" was an epic fail!
I dont get it
@@pegg00 Neither did the soldier
@@orc001he got it. It’s just absolutely not funny
@@BobbiHiru whos mace?
i cant even begin to describe how awkward that moment feels
The 25 or 29 year old thing just gives me nightmare. I work at a department store and literately get asked "how old do you think I look" like every other day. I usually say my guess minus 10 years, and I have a ridiculous accuracy.
What are you even saying
My go-to response to the Instant Aggression response is "Ok. I'm done with this interaction" and then turn and walk away. Instant aggro means one thing: they assume you have bad intent in what you said. HUGE red flag! If they do that with one thing, they're gonna do it with everything.
I would like to state that the yellow and red colored subtitles are super helpful in understanding what exactly was inappropriate and what was not. Please continue doing this in future videos.
Yess thanks for commenting that, that’s exactly what I appreciated most about this video!!
For the autistic audience
100 percent
yes, i know. it is like playing video games where red is danger and yellow means caution
Hear hear!
That ‘shift response’ thing is something I’m always trying to fight off because when someone says something that happened to them my brain instantly switches to a similar story from my own life. I’ve got to be really conscious of not automatically making the conversation about myself.
I’m the same way 😢
It really isn't hard if you try. What I do is remind myself that whatever story or comment I was going to make can always sound a lot better in another moment, and there will always be another moment.
I would say I feel the same way but I just saw a video explaining why it would make people dislike me
Same, and it's usually an attempt to relate to that person and build intemacy but it doesn't come off that way.
Thats the hard part, realizing how subconcious we are all operating and we dont even know why. This video does a great job explaining and giving real examples!
Reacting with humor instead of hostility/aggression/anger has helped me A LOT to deal with even mean remarks or what I percieve that way at least, like if someone points out an insecurity. I just make a joke about it, not confirming nor denying anything, just make a joke somehow of it and make others laugh, then I change the topic gradually after over to something else. I used to react with anger when I felt disrespected whether that was someone’s intention or not, or if they brought out any insecurity, I got quite defensive, which in turn made people react like “ohh..” so this just became an alternative to shift the focus I guess. If someone brings up anything embarrassing, I find a way to own it and make a joke about to too, just take it lightly and make fun of myself, helps a lot.
0:18 Jeez, that guy is literally in tears, and the reporter starts making a Saving Private Ryan joke about his dead friend?? 😅🤦♀️
- Joking at another's vulnerability
- Conversational narcissism: talking about a related event in your life
- Cutting someone answering your question
- Ignoring boundaries
- Teasing sensitive topics
- Unsolicited advice
- Instant aggression: assuming negative intent too quickly
Last one can be caused by long term bullying.
I know this, because I had this problem a few years ago.
In the case of "instant aggression" , there are so many insincere interviewers out there who bait people that I can understand interviewees being too sensitive.
@@Legendendear sure but the woman in the bit specifically asked for her age to be guessed. She wanted to be angry.
@@drnanard9605 She didn't get the answer she wanted. But if she is sensitive about her age, she should not ask people about it.
@@milascave2 that... is exactly my point bro
I really believe in Hanlon's razor. "Do not assume malice for that which can be explained by stupidity/incompetence/ignorance."
In my experience people only use that phrase to make excuses for terrible people and terrible businesses while minimizing the harm they have done
@@no_peace I’ve never heard that expression used to excuse deliberate, awful behavior. Besides, incompetence isn’t really an excuse. People have gone to prison for incompetence with disastrous outcomes.
In my experience, people who always assume the worst intentions in others and take everything personally are the most unhappy people. Just because someone hurt you doesn’t mean they did it on purpose. Sometimes they do, but often it’s just plain old awkwardness, cluelessness, stupidity, or incompetence. If you recognize that it’s because they have a problem and that their problem isn’t you, it’s less painful.
No. 6 applies for so many people especially the guys out there listening to their girls. One of the most valuable lessons I learned was how to listen to my partner with feeling like I have to give my own input. This really goes a far way.
The instant aggression section where the narrator says: "You're much better off assuming someone's being positive until they explicitly prove otherwise." is the best LPT. People are not out to get you and at worst they're self involved that's all. Ppl make conversations so complex by doing mental somersaults and it can end up very toxic. I usually don't expect much from videos like this but I think every point was nailed perfectly and very well written. Thanks for the content.
Ugh, I accidentally shift the conversation to myself a lot, because I want to seem relatable and kind of like when others do it and share more about themselves, because I always feel alone and very different. I've heard it can come off as selfish even though it's not the intention, but it's super hard to avoid. I'll have to try to fix it
Another user added a good variation.
From J0oboi: "I think shift responding to yourself can be a very good thing to show empathy while creating a good setup to go back to the person you’re talking [to]."
Same here. (Oh man … did it again!)
Doing it as a way to relate vs override the other person, though I can now see how it could have that effect. Must work on this!
I do that, too. I am mostly trying to be relatable and empathetic, but I also do not always know what else to say. After a while, "I'm sorry" and "that must be hard" seem generic and insincere.
I actually like it when people share their story on my topic that I brought up.
What you can do is try and acknowledge the other person's story first. If it's funny, laugh. If it's a crazy incident, just say something like "Oh dang!" or literally any reaction, maybe one follow up question and then you are more than welcome to go "I actually have a story similar to this" and take focus. It is very rude to completely ignore the other person's story right after they finished saying it and immediately following it up with yours.
Some people in my life do this and it irritates the hell out of me. I don't tell them that though because it can be a little passive aggressive to say "you should talk less about yourself". I assume there was no negative intention and forgive them but not everyone would be as nice.
As someone who is super socially awkward and has severe social anxiety this is super helpful and I’m grateful it exists
YES!
Are you Japanese hehe.
Conversational narcissism is a tricky one. It’s not an issue to summarily relate by glossing over a similar experience, but one must quickly turn it back around to the person’s issue in question. It lets them know you can relate without making it about you.
Conversational narcissism, I am definitely guilty of that. Sometimes I'll catch myself doing it and try my best to stop
i think its just innate human nature. people like to talk about themselves and theres not really anything wrong with that, but i think its really about context and situation. i used to be the type who always brought the conversation back to me and ive been working on not doing that as much over the last year. i still catch myself doing it, but each time i just go "well, because i talked about myself this time, next time i'll talk about them". i dont try to shame myself bc i already did that and it didnt work and make me unconfident lol
I’m guilty of the instant aggression and assuming insults where none is meant. Aftermath of a childhood spent being told I was wrong and bad. It’s hard to break out of that mindset after 3 decades of believing it.
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Oh my god. Same. I'm so sorry and sad that you experienced that, but at the same time, I'm thankful that I'm not alone. I hope you're doing better! Slowly but surely.
I feel that on so many levels.
I can definitely relate, and I've learned this is a common phenomenon called "rejection sensitivity dysphoria"
I think bullying or abuse is a common cause for that.
That girl being so insulted about being called 29/30 though 😅 At that age, it just means you’re mature. Different if you were 40 called 60. What makes it worse is that SHE asked the question herself. So she should be ready for any response.
Also, why ask the question if you can't handle the awnser
@@malloot9224 :) !!! :)
Yeah, like it's a big deal because someone thinks you're 4 years older than you actually are. And like...you can see the difference between 25 and 29 like it was the difference between 25 and 60.
That girl is just no good.
You’ll never win as she wants to be told she’s younger so even if you guess correct age , she’ll be pissed and offended
She looks like hard work.
I've read a few articles on reddit about men being "vulnerability dropped" by their partners over a difficult personal issue, and it was one of the most frustrating things in their relationship. Also I've noticed problems in myself with question cutting and conversational narcissism.
I've had some laughs as well on a first date we were going to get some food and she asked me "Are you a veggie?" and I thought she said "Are you a virgin?"
Conversational narcassism is hard to avoid because I do that in an attempt to relate to what someone is describing
We are all guilty of these sometimes, especially during awkward icebreaking efforts, but I'm glad this brought up conversational narcissism. I have a history of self-esteem issues that has left me always asking myself what I'm doing wrong and how I can improve. This has left me with a bad habit of relating things back to myself impulsively and sometimes abruptly. This in turn scares people away and makes self esteem worse. I am glad that this video has voiced this habit so clearly as it gives me a more precise target to aim for as I improve my sociability.
Oops. Story of my life.
Same
Same man, this will always go down to a unhealthy cycle which leads to lower and lower self-esteem
You just made a narcissistic comment, bringing thw subject of discussion to yours own conversational traits. You have a long way to go
@@fernandohenriquemenezesdes5715 Fernango
Something I want to add to this list is one-upping. Some people do it maliciously but I think some others don't do it intentionally but maybe from a place of insecurity or trauma. Like if someone is talking about an experience that was hard for them but inherently it's not that hard and the other person has experienced much worse, it puts them off to hear someone "complaining" about something that isn't that bad in comparison so they share what they experienced and will say things like "Oh you thought that was bad? You know what I had to deal with?" and doing this is not okay because all you are really doing is invalidating the other person's experience just to validate your own. Yes sometimes it's hard to hear someone whine about something that shouldn't have been a difficult experience, it can be very annoying honestly. But your strengths and weaknesses are different from someone else's strengths and weaknesses. It may be helpful to show someone a different perspective but you don't need to put them down in order to do so.
The pretty much falls under #1 - Conversational Narcissism.
There’s a character in Dilbert called Topper who does this. His character exists to make fun of people who do that.
Lol that's conversational narcissism!
I'm flashing back to so many conversations with my brother growing up. I do realize he is probably a pretty damaged person though, but it's really annoying to have to deal with. Thanks for drawing attention to this flaw. Some people need to work on it.
@@dreadcthulhu5 In some work situations if you're trying to GET THINGS DONE as a team and some person is "wallowing" in their trauma , nothing to do with today, you may have to SLAM IT DOWN and move on. Too many people bring their social/personal issues to other places, like work. If you're a leader, you may have to STOP IT.
I was autistic as a kid but I kinda got over it I guess, I learned social skills from friends and videos like this. You're really helping people out here man! I'm glad to say I personally already knew all of these :D
Same except I’m still autistic
I think you are still autistic, but you learnt to overcome most issues that come with it. Really, good for you and you can be proud of yourself as it's not easy at all. Always learning the hard way, right??
I have adhd and I do most of the things on the list and I’m just really bad at reading a room, and not accidentally blurting out inappropriate things
Well youre still autistic, youre just better at handling it
I've never heard of someone 'getting over' autism. You may learn social skills and consciously improve your responses and interactions, but autism is always going to be a lifelong thing.
saving this for reference to come back to. i am currently working on trying to better myself and i realized i let my narcissism, past trauma, and ego dictate my life, and now im alone and lonely because i never learned or taught myself how to interact with others on a mutual level. thanks so much!
All of this just comes down to respect and actually wanting to hear what others have to say.
And patience. Cutting people off after asking a question can be solved by just being patient for someone else to process the new information where as the question asker probably has already been sitting on the information for some time and knows what their own response would be.
Yup. Most ppl just want to be listened to and seen. It's amazing how well things can go if I just let someone talk most of the time and really listen. I do have issues with saying outlandish things to ppl who don't know where I'm coming from and I can take jokes too far but since I've become aware of it I've toned it down a lot.
Respect is a complex art, it is not easily mastered, especially in our world where narcissism is pushed by social media, FB, many public figures ie: professional athletes, movie stars, professional musicians, political, and media personalities. It does start with have consideration for the other person and empathy, which is also a complex learned experience.
I admit it's not easy for me. I struggle to take time and social anxiety makes me hyper awa re of time passing and I try to fill gaps or get carried away and talk.
When I talk about my own experiences it's to not assume another's and to have the other person feel less alone and that I identify with them. And I'm just an arsehole. I give unsolicited advice which assumes the other person knows little or has never heard if it before
He didn't know how to answer and tried lighting the situation. Maybe not, but this is how I acted before and I sense he's doing the same
That look on Steve-O's face was maybe the most genuinely hurt expression I've ever seen.
And by one of the most privileged awful people to exist
Was that the amy schumer joke clip
@@richardgarrison8328yeah. When she jokes about Ryan Dunn dying.
I mean, we all look like that when Amy Schumer is talking.
Probably the first time he's been sober enough to feel anything. It's a roast. How is letting Mike Tyson punch you a joke? He's not a comedian, he shouldn't have even been on that show.
Wow! This is communication gold for someone who has consistantly said the wrong thing unintentionally. Fitting-in appears easy for some and for those who struggle with interpersonal relationships, sometimes it is possible to be successful at it. But this video helps to-the-point where it saves lives. Jobs, dating, and interpersonal encounters are areas of life that can change the trajectory of ones self.
Thank you so much!
One thing that a therapist has once told me is: when people are unaware of their strengths, others sense it and may want to elevate themselves at the expense of the unaware person. For instance, someone's smart but feels he/she isn't smart enough because of the way their confidence has been undermined; and there will be people who will, for whatever reason, teach this person how to live, advise them, and talk down to him/her. This will obviously cause this person to feel uncomfortable, like, what right does this person have to patronise me? In such cases, I think it is important to set boundaries but not be aggressive about it, just saying "I don't like what you've just said" very calmly, like that dude who said "Next question".
The first one I would think is common sense to never ever do. Especially if someone lost a best friend or anyone.
Common sense tends to fail people when their brain nervously shuts down
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
The difference between the semi-illiterate and the illiterate, is illiterate people have common sense.
@@ar1i_k yes I hear that. I think the brain goes omigod big thing let's joke to defuse tension!
all of them are common sense. yet chances are you've done one.
most often it happens when something is a little bit vulnerable, the example is extreme
Truly think this is one of the most valuable videos you guys have made. These are all habits a lot of people don’t usually perceive to be bad in themselves, but can be detrimental
I second this!!!
Now I feel like I just shouldn’t speak at all
I want to make a clip of number one and send it to a bunch of people. Specifically the part about the joke being to make THEM more comfortable
You weren't trying to cheer me up, you wanted me to stop being vulnerable and bumming you out
@@hummie3 I'm autistic, i always feel like that because I'm constantly being socially punished no matter what i do. Welcome to the club
I absolutely struggle with giving unsolicited advice so calling it out has been really helpful!
These are some of the most accurate tips I’ve ever heard. Very helpful!
This reminds me of “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie. Basically, people like you when you seamlessly put the focus on them and their needs. It’s powerful connection.
It's amazing how just being comfortable in your own skin is truly half of the entire "charisma" battle. And it's also the toughest aspect to truly pull off.
Just realized thats part of why NPDs and ASPDs can appear effortlessly charmingly and glibly charismatic, Cluster B personalities are so self absorbed and so full of themselves it comes off as ease of confidence at first simply because being uncomfortable never occurs to them.
I find a great way to avoid narcissistic tendencies is to ask people questions. Like, if someone is talking about a sad time in their past, ask them how they got through it. Or, try to relate a bit but make sure to tell them you have no idea what it feels to be in their situation. That said, if you truly were in a similar or even worse situation, it's fine to open up about that but I would recommend doing some of the previous advice first.
I think worse is usually not good. Choose a different time to bring it up. Like if someone is crying about their cat dying, you probably don't want to bring up your mom passing last month. Even though it seems like the perfect relation, you're overshadowing their issue and you're going to make them feel bad about feeling bad.
and most importantly make an active attempt to listen
@@GEM4sta But that’s exactly what everyone does. They make their reply about themselves and their life. It’s a horrible habit and a tough one to break.
So, as an ND, I have always had the issue of what you call "conversational narcissism." Though, as with most NDs, it isn't done intentionally, but as a way of connecting with the person sharing the story, indicating that we are able to empathize due to having been through something similar. We are commiserating in shared hardships.
as another ND, i do relate
when a friend of mine told me he had adhd, i wanted to make him feel better by telling him i had autism, and sometimes our struggles overlap- not trying to downplay his struggles, just wanted to let him know he wasn't alone in many cases
There's a difference between genuinely trying to relate and co-opting the conversation.
@@JACCO20082012 i try my best to understand that
Amen the “instant aggression” part. I think of that in terms of what it does to my options. Escalating to aggression is much easier than de-escalating from aggression, so staying non-aggressive keeps my options open. But if I go to aggression now, non-aggression may cease to be an option for the rest of the conversation.
Very well said-- thanks.
I'm autistic so I'm bad at being a conversational narcissist through my infodumping. However I have learned to tone it down. To not do it all the time. Engage in other topics of conversation, engage the other person on their interests and emotions and experiences. It makes it way less one-sided. I still infodump but in smaller increments. Also having a shared interest helps lessen the annoyance that it is for the other person.
I love how these videos can make these things that are obvious to some easier for everyone to understand.
Self awareness is a huge first step. Everyone has things they need to work on. Knowing that and persuing it is all that matters. =)
It's cool how you're so eager to learn about socializing. That's a great attitude!
@@EMbosliceN777 don’t stop talking, mate. If you do, your conversation skills will only worsen because you don’t make mistakes and learn from them anymore. I’ve tried it and I am speaking out of experience haha.
Me too. I apologize and explain myself ,briefly, then continue conversation and pay more attention to letting others speak. I try not to beat myself up over it anymore. Its hard when you get nervous and excited but is nothing like how a shallow selfish narc interjects and inserts in something rude and dismissive. Good people know the difference and will meet you halfway with thier patience.
Damn the shift response is tricky. I often do it because I want the other person to feel like they aren't alone in their world, but then doing that can also come across as minimalizing their experience. Alternatively, sometimes I use it to continue a convo that feels like it's lulling.
It's definitely a double edge 🤔
It's a tricky thing to do. Most of the time I absolutely HATE when people make jokes when I'm sharing something tough because it makes me feel like I'm not being taken seriously even though the intention is to make me feel good.
Hold it. Let the person finish what they have to say and actually listen. Don't always be thinking about what you're going to say. When they've got it out, then consider if it is useful to share your bit to make that connection. Half the time you'll probably decide it isn't.
The best tip I've read for this situation is to always tell a story that is LESSER than their story, not greater. For example "I had a minor fender bender last year and received whiplash that took me a month to recover from, I can only imagine how bad you've had it being t-boned going through a light."
@@jmas43 That's a killer tip. And it leads into more conversation instead of a dead end. Thank you for sharing!
5:40 daaaaaaamn I already didn’t like Amy but holy hell. How did people even laugh at that….. knowing what Ryan’s death did to all of them mentally
Amy's NEVER been fun.
Wow, ive watched plenty of videos from this channel but this is definitely the best one
This video HAS to get to those people that have no clue how to talk to a human being. Or like a human being.
I was talking to my friend about what's going on in my life. Immediately after mentioning that I was on the job hunt doing interviews, he goes into a 10 minute story about how his job hunt went. It kinda hurt, like he didn't care too much about what I had to say.
From what Ive observed, most people only care about themselves....
I love that Dakota calls out talk show hosts on their bad behavior.
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However calling out on national tv not good behavior! That’s rude
I know this makes me sound 100 years old. But Johnny Caron was so masterful at letting his guests have the floor. He himself was hilarious but fell back spent most of the time laughing and enjoying what the guest had to say.
1. Vulnerability dropping. 2. Conversational narcissism. 3. Question cutting. 4. Trampling boundaries. 5. Teasing sensitive topics. 6. Giving unsolicited advice. 7. Instant aggression.
With more people working from home this video is great. I had my share of uncomfortable mistakes in my 20-30. Nothing as bad as any of these. But I’m so thankful for the mistakes I made. These are hard lessons.
These are so obvious seeing them outside of ourselves, but sometimes it's a little harder when you do them and don't realize it in conversation. Helpful video for sure.
It was unfair of her to ask. She is trying to get a compliment or some other ego motivated response. Don't see why she would be offended he wasn't being rude, he took the question in a literal sense and answered it. If she was trying to start a flirtatious conversation she was too direct. Anyway, it was kind of mean to set him up.
There’s a great little book on Amazon entitled, “Hoots and Grunts” that addresses common everyday communication flubs that we make that can push others away from us.
I'm guilty of unsolicited advice the most. Comes from a place of wanting to do good for the person, but definitely puts people on the defense
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same, I made the mistake thinking some of my so called friends wanted advice but they just wanted to talk about themselves constantly
@@James_36 thats not a good signal tho
@@absi49 fr
Conversational narcissism is the one I have run into the most. I don't often open up about when I'm struggling. But when I do only to have the person I am talking to instantly shifts it to themselves to show that they "relate" I feel completly invalidated and regret even opening up in the first place.
I definitely do conversational narcissism. It is completely unintentional, and I try to avoid doing it. I have difficulty relating to others, so I think that might be one reason I do that. I will definitely work on breaking this habit.
I'm bad about the "unsolicited advice" one. I get excited about other people's projects and want to get involved, but I can see how this would be irritating.
Yes, dont do it 😅
@@00Mali00 that your advice was unsolicited itself.
4:22 my goodness if that isn’t a conversation killer right there. Unless the person themselves wants or has initiated that conversation that is a good way to make someone dislike you.
Conversation killer. I see what you did there
I was always confused as to whether Stanhope was trying to help or was making the issue worse.
I have definitely done some of these and not even noticed. Going to save this video and watch it every so often as a reminder, just because. Thank you!
This was honestly a little eye-opening as a struggling waitress. Sometimes due to the stress I feel like I don’t function like a normal human being and often fumble basic interactions, but I could never pinpoint exactly why or when my guests attitudes would sour-that is, until I watched this video and recognized some of these (question cutting, misjudging boundaries, assuming the worst, etc.) in myself.
Wasn’t expecting to actually gain anything from this video, but I did! Thanks!
One small note on the topic of conversational narcissism: Not all people who do it are trying to put focus on themselves. For most people dealing with ADHD, what can seem like narcissism is actually us trying to engage with what you're saying and empathise.
So "work sucked" "oh my gosh yeah, X,Y,Z happened at my work" isn't inherently bad, it's trying to communicate; I hear you, I'm listening, I understand you, and I can relate to what you're saying.. But we also tend to leave it open just enough for others to then start sharing their stories
It's not a crime or the worst thing in the world to relate to yourself, as it said in the video some people like to feel like they're not alone. If your response always shifts to yourself, that's what annoys and repels people.
Very guilty of this AND have ADHD! But regardless, I can understand why it puts people off. It takes a lot of restraint for me to not overshare.
The giving unsolicited advice habit is one I'm SUPER guilty of lmao. I'm gonna make an effort to stop lol
I was in Egypt walking across a street without looking 2 centuries ago and guy on a camel raced across the dirt and almost Ran me over‼️ These speeding drivers get worse every year !
I say "I know you haven't asked for my advice, but...." I think this mitigates the criticism a bit???
@@Paul-dv4dr Or an even better way of doing this would be, "So this [mention personal situation/problem here] sounds bad/interesting. Do you mind if I give you some advice?" That way they can answer "yes" or "no." "I know you haven't asked for my advice, but..." is just as bad since you're not giving the recipient of your advice the option of NOT hearing it. You need to give them that way out if they simply don't want to hear it.
Same!
Also derailing the conversation to be about myself. I just get so excited that I’ve got a relatable thing, that I just make it all about me. (There I go doing it again 😅 This video just makes me never want to speak to anyone again.)
Me too. My nature is a problem solver, so I try to look for fixes. I’ve gotten better at just listening, though. When people are really hurting, sometimes they just need an ear to bend.
On the flip side, some people vent sooo much and don’t do anything to fix their situation and just expect you to absorb all their shared, self inflicted misery. We all know that one person who does nothing but complain about their partner but won’t go to counseling, talk honestly with their partner, or leave them (in cases where there’s no abuse).
Honestly, one thing I have learned about talking about topics is: asking permission to speak on something ahead of time. This gives you the ability to not cross a boundary without even having to hurt the person. You simply say: “Is the topic of your mothers death something we can discuss?” “No I would really like to not get into it.” “Okay perfectly fine. So… (topic change here.)” This is so helpful to preemptively stop yourself from crossing a boundary. You don’t have to do it with every topic, but certain heavy topics, it can really help you to respect the person you are speaking with.
I struggle a lot socially and on how to keep a conversation going. I saw a video 10+ years ago saying if you don't know what to say, relate to them with a story about you with something they just said and I did it for years not knowing people hate that😭
The Taylor Swift-John Kleese exchange really got me to thinking about this. Knowing the right response to an inappropriate comment or attack can really be a lot of pressure. Kleese turns that "and cussed, like women" comment right at Taylor. With a live audience and people reacting, obviously it's on tv too. Taylor has a brand and a huge group of fans who want to believe that she will not succumb to male power, but equally just as many industry titans, i.e. men, waiting to slam her if she goes too hard aggressively back or comes across too unlikable in her response. Plus, obviously, she wants to remain authentic and true to herself in her response. Plus, do you want to turn this into an argument with the beloved Kleese. There's so many possible scenarios here. And once the audience laughs and goes ooooohhhh, the clock is ticking. One second, two seconds. Come on Taylor, say something, what is your response?
"Oooooohh we don't wanna do that"
John Kleese laughs and takes a hint, everything stays the course. Taylor's fans are satisfied. So are Kleese's. The audience laughs. Hurdle cleared.
But man, that's gotta be tough. There's probably a lot of those decisions. And tbh while I know she's been bashed for a few well-meaning-but-tone-deaf social media posts, I can't really think of an infamous Taylor Swift gaffe on live tv so seems like she handles herself pretty well for the most part. Good on her.
I get the feeling that Taylor Swift has had A LOT of practice deploying this particular party-trick to get people--especially old, tone-deaf men--to back off when she's angered by casual misogyny.
Agreed, there was a slightly awkward pause, but considering it wasnt a planned response that was about as smooth as an answer as she could have given. I can't begin to imagine how many mental calculations she had to do in that split second to come up with that response, actually kinda terrifying considering how much damage could have been done if she had handled that improperly
She has her narcisstic charm polished whe she wants to
I absolutely LOVE her response. Seems jokey, but gets the point across. And John Cleese immediately realises he should leave that right there. Also a great response.
@@wesleykim1758 absolutely.
The saving private mace one is just mind blowing. You would have to be a psychopath to think that joke was ok to run with
While he’s crying.
Indeed that interviewer was a repulsive turd - brained toad 😒. He was a completely inappropriate and thoughtless twit, it is really sad how a fully grown human being can lack such awareness and compassion.
I’ve tried talking to one of my family members about CONSTANTLY relating other people’s stories back to herself. She will even mow over them so they can’t finish what they were saying. She swears it’s an appropriate way to show empathy and keep the conversation going.
I really appreciate this video. I want to be the best person I can be. Some of us were never taught these etiquette things and you are never too old to learn.
What a beautiful thing it is to respect others and have others respect you.
Thank you.
Steve-O looked so crushed... Most definitely undeserved
Well his entire career is hinged on causing extreme pain to his body, so compared to that, Amy’s comment couldn’t have hurt him that bad. It was just somewhat annoying to him.
He looked pretty crushed.
Never like Amy.
@@honkhonk5181 physical pain hurts less
@@allent1152 try getting third degree burns on half your body and see if you still think that
Lol what on earth was seriously wrong with that first guy. Did he really think that it was his glorious moment to unleash his "epic" joke he'd been holding in since the 1700's
You can see he was preparing himself to unleash his masterful brand of humor
Yeah and they even had to put a screen clip over to explain the idea of the joke. I think most ppl would be too horrified at the words to get the joke.
Again, an example of a narcissistic personality. Common among celebrities.
This is something I genuinely struggled with when I was younger and continue to as a grown adult. I think I have good intentions and I just want to make people laugh, but I also like to be the center of attention and special, so I used to make terrible “jokes” and really put people off. As I get older yes, I could take “risks” and hope people like me without editing what I say, but it’s much better to have great friendships than to be obsessed with being “special”. I feel more relaxed if I give myself some boundaries.
I've been guilty of the giving unsolicited advice. I have to remind myself not to give solutions when I'm not asked for them. Sometimes people just want to talk about their problems without asking for a solution. I should keep remembering that.
One of the best pieces of life advice in the whole video is at 8:26. To have good relationships with everyone, choose to assume positive intent with everyone by default until you have explicit proof that their intent was negative. Even then, sometimes choosing to cast positive intent on them can turn things around in your favor.
I have a next door neighbor that wallows in the negative. I also happen to know her ENTIRE life story from other people. Interestingly, my employee, a somewhat transient figure living in the bush, was able to get her negativity off track and she's been different ever since in our interaction. Sometimes, you can use OTHERS where your own skills aren't hitting the pavement!
@@louisliu5638 that's a good one. Because when our own skills aren't enough, to be able to care for others we can introduce others into their life
@@louisliu5638 I don't like the way this was worded at all... " Did you use the "transient figure" or did the "transient figure" provide a kind heart and perspective to your next door neighbor and it has nothing to do with anything you did at all? I don't think you could for a minute recreate what happened, and you should reconsider that what your neighbor experienced is more to her than the inconvenience it is to you.
Man, the more of these I watch the more I realize I've never been around decent people, and rarely on the receiving end of a pleasant conversation.
a lot of people are simply never told or taught what they are doing wrong. as such bad habits often go unchecked. sometimes people are more decent at heart than how they might act in certain situations would show. not always true though of course, but keeping it into consideration might be worthwhile, especially if you could perhaps be the one to point it out. might actually end up setting a few folks straight that way.
still, sorry to hear about the lack of pleasantries. hopefully things improve for you in the long run.
Assuming positive intent will help avoid those inevitable situations where you assumed the worse, over-reacted, and ruined a situation or even relationship. If the perceived slight is actually an insult, you can still make positive progress by setting the boundaries and (trying to) redirect the conversation/topic. Holding others accountable for their statements without being triggered back can increase their respect for you, improve their future behavior, and might even result in an apology. All wins.
I'm guilty of every one of these. Some regularly. I have to consciously keep this list in mind in conversations - stop myself before I start.
George with the unsolicited advice and the Island boys with the instant aggression
I'm really bad at the conversational narcissist. Sad part it I am trying to relate to the person I'm talking to. Next thing I know im talking about myself for the next 10 mins. I realize that I'm doing it and stop. Or it's to late. Idk
A great way to bounce back from this one is to realize it, then call yourself out by saying something like “Look at me going off again lol, I’m sorry you were saying….” And then repeating back to them the thing they said to show you were actually listening. One way I usually stop myself myself from going off the rails to begin with is by repeating what they tell me as if I’m asking a question. So for example:
Them: “man my day was rough”
Me: “Rough eh? What happened?”
Hope that helps (:
Here you go talking about yourself again!🤭
@@toneybedell726 thanks mate. I often turn to conversational narcissism because I have problem to continue a conversation
@@karlfranzemperorofmandefil5547 I feel you on that one mate. It's like my brain just wishes me good luck and leaves. And my last resort is to start talking about myself. Coz I've got Social Anxiety Disorder, so I feel like if I don't get things under control, I won't be able to continue the conversation. That's why I divert it back to myself.
I don't feel comfortable with the unpredictability that a new tangent in a conversation would bring.
It's a problem I'm looking into
Ask follow up question instead. People wants to feel listened more than sharing experience. Once they have nothing else to say about their experience, then you can mention about your own, BRIEFLY. Only go to details if the person wants to know more.
Yeah I always try to relate to people by giving example of how I have gone through similar situations and know their pain and realize now that's conversational narcissism
Self reflecting my comversations in the past years made me realise that I have a tendency for conversaional narcism. Trying hardly to work on it and trying to bite my tounge. It's not easy but it's getting better ^^
When I told a "a friend " that my grandmother died she replied with her being upset too cause her cat died 3 months ago and how this has been so hard for her...
Naturally I forgot about my circumstances and comforted her. It was her cat after all!!
I’m autistic and I struggle with conversation a lot and these are really helping me. Thank you!
69 likes...nice
Same! 🤗
I can relate to the conversational struggle, good luck and Godspeed.
I'm sending this to my sons. I really needed to learn these too, and I'm a highly successful consultant! God bless!
In my opinion, the question cutting is the worst. How can you not know you are doing this. Being an introverted person, I sometimes hesitate when answering a question, so many people feel they need to fill the void with their own answer. I generally stop talking & let them go on, knowing they don't care about my answer.
I do shift response a lot, but mainly because I'm trying to relate. However, I have been working on that lately.
One that I really don't like being done to me is when someone asks me a question and then they immediately interrupt me. Sometimes I don't even get my answer out so I just sit there and don't respond. Half the time they don't even notice.
Wow, this video is absolutely PACKED with value! I am definitely guilty of violating some of these. Really grateful to this channel for bringing awareness to this type of stuff so we can all do better 🙏🏻
You're probably guilty of violating them all tbh
@@albertp.3893 Probably so!
It's good you mention that most people aren't purposely trying to be unlikable, and in fact lots of times, people might even think they're being helpful. Since we are armed with the knowledge you share in these videos, it's not only important for us to try and avoid these faux pas ourselves, but it's also important for us to be patient and polite and tolerant when others do these things to us, especially some of the more innocuous ones like convo narcissism, question trampling, and unsolicited advice.
Like when a husband or boyfriend offers solutions to his bitching broad and instead of soothing it throws gasoline on her fire because she was just trying to vent, not ask for advice.
@@honkhonk5181
That was oddly specific...
I interrupt people alot, i try not to but it happens and i do warn people about it because, if i don’t say things when i think them, you can forget about me remembering what i was gonna tell you 2-5 mins from now.
They know it’s serious when I start to forget in the middle of the sentence. 😂
I get the fear of listening too much and not responding much to the conversation because it makes me feel like I don't care enough with the situation, and sometimes I feel like my tongue would fill up words that it would somehow slip up with one of these bad habits you listed. I fluff my conversation a lot to show that I actually contribute to the conversation because when someone else who doesn't respond much, it makes me feel like they don't care so I rather show care by fluffing up my conversation. It probably sounds emotionally selfish but that's just how I feel.
02:20 - this happened to me last week and I'm still angry/irritated when I think about that moment. An a$$hole colleague of mine asked me a question over a call. When I started answering that, she interrupted me. You wouldn't believe: this happened to me twice on that same call. I wanted to yell "hey a$$hole, you asked me a question", but I just kept quiet. This is extremely irritating behaviour, that too in a professional environment.
Thankfully, I seldom interact with that a$$hole.
Lol sorry mate
Just tell what you need to say to get that frustration off, otherwise it will hurt you.
Sometimes i think when ppl ask, they sometimes get the answer and eant to blurt it out, and they could have not been able to come to that conclusion themselves without interacting with others for feedback.
That is at least my take on it.
It could also be an ego thing, that they themselves want to quickly show that they cane to that answer, solution or conclusion themselves.
Just don't let it ruin your mood....it's on them. And if one actually wants to help oneself and othets too, it's better to bring these things up in a graceful good manner, to avoid conflicts. Communication is EVERYTHING!!
One of my managers had that habit. He's not a mean guy, but the 1:1 were pretty much pointless, as it quickly turned into basically his own presentation.
I used to be friends with someone who would always interrupt me mid-sentence whenever we had a conversation and I would lose my train of thought, forcing me to start over, and she would always tell me to “get to the point.” I’d find myself getting aggressive every time and telling her “well if you’d learn to stfu and listen, I’d get there faster!” Sure glad she’s not in my life anymore.
Keep talking and don't stop. They will eventually stop talking and interrupting you. I promise this works.
I hate it and refuse to put up with it. I have turned and walked away from bosses that interrupt me when I am answering a question.
I experience huge amounts of anxiety in social gatherings or conversations from constantly watching myself and making sure I'm not being rude and upsetting people, or alienating myself. Watching this I realise now that it's because I just need to learn social skills in more detail; I find social etiquette really hard to understand or read but anyone I tell this to are usually people who just know all of this intrinsically, and can't help literally outline things for me. Thanks for the great content!
Really well curated channel. As someone who has paid enormously for faux pas in my social interactions, I really appreciate the value of your insights and structure.
the second point is something i'm absolutely terrified of accidentally doing (though i think it already happened multiple times), even when i'm just saying stuff like "*i'm* happy for you" or "*i'm* sorry that happened to you", and the irony of it all is that i can't even talk about this struggle of mine without feeling bad, because if i do, the whole focus of the conversation would become me again
I'm not always in Swift's corner; but that response to Cleese was FIRE
lol.. Cleese was baiting her to get a reaction. She's just a priss. Cleese is a legend in getting people irate.
@@narcissus79 yeah, and she responded amazing. It was funny, witty and she didn't reacted badly. So props to her.
@Cameren Greer that type of joke can be very funny, but only if the person hearing it knows you well enough to immediately realize you are in fact joking.
@Cameren Greer He literally wrote and starred in a show called "How To Irritate People."
Been watching you guys for almost two years now. I've always had a pretty hard time introducing myself to people and putting myself out there. But your tips have slowly made me comfortable with talking to people. I'm actually going on my first date in about 5.5 years. Just wanted to say thank you. This channel has helped me and I hope it has helped others :)
i would love to hear how it goes !
Congratulations!! Good work!
@@hgerfgr9614 why? Mind ur business
@@magnumopiss244 wtf
@@magnumopiss244 Says the person who butted into an exchange they weren't involved in. The irony!
#2 is often someone trying to show they relate to you by bringing up a similar event in their lives so I'm not bothered by it. It's when it turns into one-upmanship it gets annoying, like "that's nothing! When I worked at Company X, I had a supervisor who would always--" etc.
These boil down to merely paying attention to the other person, whether they are receptive or emotional, interested or reflecting. Being able to do that saves a lot of internal thinking about what not to do (and missing out on even more of what the other person is signaling).