the hidden cost of good service (from an ex-waitress)
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- čas přidán 19. 06. 2024
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What is emotional labour? In this video, Melissa takes some research guidance from Dr. Arlie Hochschild, fights a twitter thread, and reads 1200 service reviews better understand the phenomenon.
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SOCIAL MEDIA
Sabrina
Twitter: / nerdyandquirky
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Melissa
Twitter: / mehlizfern
Instagram: / mehlizfern
Taha
Twitter: / khanstopme
Instagram: / khanstopme
CREDITS
Produced by Melissa Fernandes
Video Editing by Joe Trickey
Motion Design by Olivér Varga & Krisztina Varga
Sound Design by Joe Trickey
MUSIC
Epidemic Sound. Get started today using our affiliate link. share.epidemicsound.com/answer...
RECOMMENDED READING
The Managed Heart by Arlie Russel Hochschild
Bullshit Jobs by David Graeber
TIMESTAMPS
00:00 pls stay I'm not actually like this
00:53 a server storytime
01:57 an email? for me?
02:26 What Is Emotional Labour
04:07 srry thats not emotional laboour, ur a bad friend
05:19 commercial break
07:22 a little data dive, who am i sabrina?
08:16 melissa makes bad printing decision
09:17 melissa reads ALOT of reviews
10:12 fine I'll learn to code
11:22 sorry for another cheesy ending
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Welcome to the joke under the fold!
The waiter at our local indian restaurant asked if I wanted bread before the meal. "That's a naan starter" I told him.
Leave a comment with the word BREAD to let me know you were here ;-)
"goes both ways" really hit home with me. At one point I wondered why supermarket checkout operators didn't seem happy or friendly. Until, one day, I decided I would smile and be friendly to them! When I did, I always got back what I gave and left feeling good. If you think your server isn't being friendly enough, try being nice to them, because it's highly likely that you, the customer, is actually the problem! ;)
As a former server and supermarket checkout operator, yes! I always make a point to make them feel seen and use their names, if they're wearing a name tag.
@@ShadowRaven66669 as someone who works retail, it's very unsettling when customers refer to me by my name. yes, it's part of the uniform, but to me they're a total stranger. it's weird when people adopt this false sense of familiarity, because in any other scenario they would not be entitled to know anything about me, including my name.
@@abbyeffyeah it depends for me. If they out of the blue blurt my name as if they know me Im simply startled bc most people dont pay attention. But if they make a point to lean over and look at my name tag before they say it, its like a mental warning almost like they're going "okay I am learning your name now! Im about to say it!" as almost a placeholder for me introducing myself, and thats easier for me. It even makes me feel nice that they care enough to know my name sometimes. But it also depends widely on the interaction.
@@abbyeffyeah I think that's an excellent example of how disconnected we are from each other and how easy it is to misinterpret another person's actions. It's not about faking a sense of familiarity, it's about creating one.
Of course, this is much more difficult to do in stores like Walmart that have insanely high turnover rates so that you never see the same employee twice. But I've been shopping at the same grocery store for 15 years and their turnover rate is much lower due to good management. Anyone that has been working there for even just a few weeks at the very least recognizes my family and knows that we're not assholes lol.
@@ShadowRaven66669 i get that the vibes are different with smaller, more local stores. i work at a bigger store, so it does feel fake and unnatural when someone who i've never seen before acts like they're my friend. i do enjoy having pleasant conversations with people, but ultimately i'm there to provide a service, and i'm comfortable with those interactions being purely transactional
As a delivery driver, I actually listen to a lot of podcasts in the car to actually make me laugh, so that when I deliver someone's food, the smile isn't completely fake. But the real trick to faking a convincing smile isn't that hard to pick up on; it's all in the eyes, not the mouth, especially with a lot of mask wearing; relaxed and semi-raised eyebrows with a slight upwards squint at the outer edges of the eyes do the trick.
This is one of the many reasons why I still wear my mask at work even when others have stopped. It’s easier to fake the smile!
(There’s also the fact I’m on immune suppressants and work in retail where people don’t have any concept of personal space)
I never thought of method acting in service work.
@@emmibobable
Right?! For some reason in retail people will get SUPER close to you for no discernable reason. Like, yes I'm helping you buy lotion but damn, back it up. Sheesh.
Seven Hunnid on CZcams is suprisly entertaining
Nowadays most customers want me to leave their food at the door, which is great because I don't have to see them and fake smiling.
I may be in a minority, but the intense friendliness of service workers can make me uncomfortable sometimes. It makes me feel like I need to emotionally reciprocate, and that can create extra effort on my part too that I don't necessarily want when I'm just trying to make a transaction.
I recently moved from the US to a culture where tipping isn't expected and it's a lot more comfortable. The average server still is polite but it tends to feel more casual; less "excellent choice that's my favorite too" more "okay it'll be out soon".
Yeah recieving the overly niceness can be a bit overwhelming, honestly if i notice a customer seems uncomfy with it i tend to chill out, i have a few regular customers who seem uncomfy with the overly niceness and its nice to just chill out for a few seconds when interacting with them. (I wish there was some way to let ppl know, hey i dont need you to be overly kind to me dw, but alas thats tough to convey in usually very short interactions)
In two different customer service training (one sales and one tech support) I learned about communication styles.
Analytic types are put off by emotional platitudes. The A-Types find it a waste of time.
Most customer service training won't tell you this, and gear you to greet the 'helpers' who want the emotional compassion and guidance or the jokers who like to relate and tell stories.
I used to work as a cashier and was told I needed to greet customers as soon as they walked in the door. I thought it was awkward, and so did a lot of customers. I generally tried to act happy but casual, as not to come off as creepy and it worked much better than yelling hello at someone across the room the second they entered the door.
Same!
I recently was on a phone call with customer service for something. The phone reception where I was can be very poor at times (I didn’t have anywhere else I could go) so on the other end apparently my voice and stuff was dropping out at times. The customer service worker was apologizing for me cutting out (it wasn’t my phone company) and just constantly apologizing for things that weren’t their fault. It was the most uncomfortable customer service experience. In my head I was just like “I’m so sorry your company probably makes you act this way”
Edit: I clarified something
Can I ask what culture
I hate when people treat service workers poorly. And I love that you opened that dialogue 🙏🏽
Exactly, one can go far with sugar than with salt
It's a good way to figure out whether your date is really a nice person or just acting nice in order to seduce you.
I see you everywhere and I always agree with your comments
Indeed, but its strange its also why they are payed. To deal with people. Theres a reason people want to give you money for it! But that really doesnt mean people shouldnt be nice to waiters.
Never anger a person who can touch your food.
As an autistic person, it’s astounding how much this idea of emotional labor resonates with my life experiences. Autistic people struggling with masking are constantly performing emotional labor in our every day lives and it’s exhausting.
And thats why i had so many breakdowns as a cashier 🙃
One of the points she makes in the video is that "emotional labour" was not originally meant to refer to everyday situations. I understand what you're saying though and I sympathise.
My thoughts exactly! Even if it's not "labor" in the sense of "for pay," a lot of the emotional performance we as autistic people do to be accepted on a daily basis is exactly these sorts of things. And I think that has a lot more in common with the original definition of emotional labor than it has in common with the reciprocity of friendship. Me masking for the sake of my colleagues at the office or the plumber coming over to my house is much more similar to the way I masked when working in food service than it is to the emotional connections I have with my friends I don't have to mask around.
I have adhd and thought the same about masking. I mean, we kinda get used to it as we're forced to mask constantly, but even if we're very good at it, it's soooo exhausting 😫
Thanks for this
Also people should keep in mind that some people will literally just say bad service for anything. I had a table once that were having a great time, every time I went over we were joking and laughing. They let me know how great I was. At the end, I gave them their check and they asked me to come close. They were tourists and wanted to know where they could find some weed. I don’t smoke and had no idea, and I said to them “Oh I don’t partake so I have no idea, sorry!” Their attitude completely changed. After they left, I picked up their credit card slip and saw that they put a big 0 in the tip line and wrote “Terrible service”. I don’t know if they thought I was lying to them or judging them but it was really upsetting. It truly IS emotional labor. All that joking and conversation is because I’m trying to give you a good time, not because I care, but because I pay my bills with tips. And I have to keep up that act all day with every single person that comes in. And then because I couldn’t answer their question I’m told that all my labor was for nothing. Not only that, but to be told I did a terrible job! I feel like sometimes customers truly don’t see us as people.
As a co-employee once used to say: “we all need care-bear hugs when shits like that roll through”. Wishing you a care-bear hug if that shit happens to you, or to anyone reading this.
YOU ARE A HUMAN BEING WITH INTRINSIC WORTH!
the whole idea that you have to pay your bills with tips is just stupid. I dont get why in the US fair hourly pay isnt the norm for service workers
They don't, it's the terrible truth
@@AngryApple Because it’s cheaper for restaurants. It’s always “because it’s cheaper”
Sounds to me like those customers should have just gone and looked up dispensaries on Google Maps. There's no need to bring in a server, who may or may not know anything about their wants (and in your case, didn't), and then complain because the server *doesn't*, in fact, know everything. It's like they thought you were an android and you'd just search your databanks for information.
Emotional labor is like second nature to me, but also soul crushing. It's utterly bizzar to be deeply depressed and get complimented on how happy and friendly you are. And people's expectations are ridiculous, a normal neutral expression is read as being annoyed because they are used to fake smiles, and customers will call you rude or mean purely because they aren't getting their way despite you keeping up the smiles and compassion.
I have RBF, so when I am neutral and relaxed, some think I am angry. So good point to the expectations, because I have to smile ear to ear to overcome the RBF. A gentle smile is never enough lol
This is exactly how I feel
That neutral expression is certainly overlooked.
Neutral is very much the typical emotion I feel dealing with customers. The circumstances of our interaction prohibit viewing them as regular people, and there's no emotional connection anyways. Trying to act otherwise is stressful and draining.
Entitlement is everywhere.
Oooh I did my undergraduate dissertation on the impact of emotional labour on burnout in the hospitality industry! Which basically confirmed that customers are often The Worst. Also as a side note, when I bought my ice skates a few years ago the guy helping me had approximately zero customer service skills and he was fantastic. 10/10 experience I felt so much more comfortable with this grouchy dude who only opens his shop whenever he feels like it than in places like lush where the customer service is practically suffocating (no shade to the people working there as it's a requirement of their jobs, ik)
ALSO forgot to mention that I've been back in the shop with the grouchy dude a couple of times since and last time he was lovely and while it could be that he's making more of an effort in general, I've decided he thinks I'm a good customer :)
That's the kind of customer service I want. Grouchy Dude deserves an award.
In my experience emotional labor is also more expected from women, like my work had a number of grouchy dudes that customers loved but a girl employee with a similar attitude or women having a bad day so they don't turn the hospitality up to 11 get nothing but complaints.
There is a diner called Beth's in Seattle that has service best described as "abrupt". The food is reasonably priced, it's diner fair with emphasis on breakfast food, and they aren't exactly rude, but they are . . . efficient? You get what you need and you can stay a reasonable amount of time, you just aren't going to get a whole song & dance. There's a lot of counter seating. But also they supply paper and crayons to people of all ages, and the walls are covered with crayon drawings.
Highkey I would love to read that dissertation. From my own experience in customer service I’ve come to think that being underpaid and having high employer expectations are only a piece of it. There is also just a huge problem going on socially I think.
Oooh, where can we read it?! 😃
I find it interesting that a common phrase in the positive reviews was "professional"/"professionalism".
This may be a cultural difference but, to me "professionalism" and "friendliness" are two different things; the former implies an efficient and emotionally distanced but polite relationship between people in a business interaction, the later implies a a genuine emotional and/or social bond between people in a casual interaction.
+++
Would upvote twice if I could
Just a thought but it might be because we tend to see people we appreciate as better, so if the person comes across as nice without being overly friendly we might tend to put them in the"professionals" category. For exemple an hotel clerk saying hi, please, thank you, smiling and giving you exactly what you want without engaging too much (to the point of becoming friendly)
@@imarockstarification quite possibly. I suspect there's also a degree of cultural variation in where the line between "friendly" and "professional" lies.
@@amiscellaneoushuman3516 this kinda reminds me how I've heard both Canadians and Japanese people as "polite", but it's like, a fundamentally different type of politeness. Japanese society is all about that emotionally distant "respectful politeness", while Canadians just seem to in general be friendly, so like "friendly politeness."
There is nothing better than naming something you suspected was happening all along. It validates the inner psyche, we all intrinsically understand this term . Yet having it pried into the open is great.
I totally agree. No matter what it is, knowing what you’re going through is a real thing and that it has a name is so validating, and even better, can give you a way to connect with other people going through the same thing and find steps to cure it or help it, if it’s a disorder or sickness of some sort.
Naming the phenomenon (or discovering it’s name) is called hermeneutical justice, fyi
I think it's also important to point out that this whole concept of emotional labor and over-friendly customer service is a very American thing. In most of Europe, this kind of "Customer is KING/QUEEN" attitude is not expected from people working in service. There is a much more equal relationship between the customer and the "servant". I give you money, you give me what I ordered! And for the most parts that it. However, I feel like there is definitely a change in culture going on right now, as most European countries are heavily influenced by American culture and all the consumerism that comes with it. I think this friendly at all cost attitude is closely linked with capitalism and the theory of "money is power" so " be friendly to people who bring in money".
Yes. This cultural difference is so fascinating. I (American) and my friend (German) went to a restaurant in Munich. The server started speaking with my friend and seemed low-energy to my U.S. trained perspective, then she started speaking to me and because my German skills are bad and I have an accent she knew immediately I was American and her entire demeanor changed. It wasn't the extreme bubbly positive server behavior that sometimes happens in the U.S., but she smiled slightly and nodded and waited slightly longer for me to add things. I think some European servers are adapting a bit to American (and Canadian?) expectations. I wish they didn't have to, I prefer the cultural standard that servers are just servers and customers are just customers, without all this bowing and scraping.
Oh man are you right about the difference between the US and Europe. Yesterday i was watching some videos about Vienna where the host (an US citizen) mentioned the supossedly rude servers and the comment section was wild! Europeans that said that that is expected behavior and constantly pestering your guests with 'everything ok?' and such is rude vs americans that insisted that a server who doesn't check on you every 10sec is just unprofesionel and not really investet in his job.
In fact there where 3 videos same host with a few years in between and in the last one he mentioned that good service in europe just looks different and a sign of a good server is to not bother you even when you just sitting there for hours.
I think the difference is more in situations where tiping would be expected/encouraged in the US. My boyfriend is French and I'm Canadian and I've learned not to expect the same service at french restaurants but my boyfriend will expect way more politeness than me any other place where we might spend money.
@@sonkeschluter3654 Yup, here in Europe, your job as a server is to be available when called, but not make them feel like you're hovering around their table.
I work in an English hotel. We absolutely have to do emotional labour. And we don’t get tipped- which is okay, I earn a good wage. But I have to smile and say of course, sorry, thank you for waiting - when told that the oven doesn’t cook sausages fast enough.
I totally understand this frustration with the misuse of the term emotional labor. The example with the friend is more about boundaries and self care than it is about emotional labor. Like yeah, it wouldn't be great for your friend to tell you that they don't have the capacity for your rant, but in their defense, you should always ask first. Consent isn't just about physical stuff, dealing with other people's emotions can be extremely draining and could be something that might trigger you, or be distressing if you're already in a vulnerable state. Being rejected or told no is always going to suck, but we should respect that friend and wish the best for their well-being, even if we're going through a rough patch.
I had to leave a girlfriend cause it was draining me with all the emotional help she needed, I didn't want too, but after 2 and a half years of nothing improving, I had to think of myself, years later I discovered she fell into drug addiction and a few other bad habits, I don't like to think how would have been if I had stayed, mainly cause I would have probably been the one to end badly.
@@YOEL_44 You did the right thing. There is a phrase, “Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm.”
I think part of the problem was also that she used corporate-speak in her example. Who does that? But really it seemed like she was just subtweeting someone.
Oftentimes, emotional labor forces employees to disregard their boundaries and self care though. If a waitress is being hit on and told disgusting things, she has to make the choice of just allowing it to happen or telling the person that that's not okay and losing a tip and possibly getting in trouble by her boss, so it seems to have similarities. The only real difference is that one relationship is forced and the other is not necessarily forced.
i should have scrolled a bit further before deciding to type out basically this, would've saved me some time and frustration lol
Am I one of the rare few that don't really care? As long as the server isn't outright rude, the smiles and the friendliness of the server doesn't affect my impression of the service that much.
Because most of it happens on a subconscious level; humans are social animals so we automatically are more relaxed (and willing to open the wallet lol)
Maybe you don’t really realise it? I don’t know, to me it seems a normal attitude is fine but it doesn’t beat a relaxed, respectful and positive server/seller.
Not all customers care so much, some people are even put off from overly friendly service, but i do think all customers are more likely to subconsciously read rudeness from neutrality just because the expectation of how service workers are supposed to act.
@@CelestialScribbler Yeah, people being overly friendly grates on me because I cannot meet that level of cheerfulness, but I do recognize they're just trying to be nice. I genuinely cannot remember anyone in the service industry being overtly rude to me; living in the South, they might as well quit if they treat anyone that way. We're just expected to be polite 24/7 in the South, whether on the job or not (especially true for women). Those who aren't polite find their business slowly dry up to nothing. I have seen customers be rude, and my first thought is always you're not from around here, are you? That said, I do get rude to people who call me daily for weeks on end trying to sell me stuff; after a few calls where I politely say no thanks, I just hang up on them as soon as they start talking. I hate that they won't stop calling no matter how many times you ask.
Honestly, even if it is a bit rude, as long as I come out with what I wanted, how much should I really complain?
The culture of enforced niceness is genuinely one of the most dystopian things about modern workplaces. I dislike this creeping tendency of the restaurant industry in continental Europe to adopt the "American" service philosophy. It's pleasant to have a service worker be nice to me when they are feeling good, but when it's put on and they are exhausted or hurting it just makes me feel bad for them.
I remember when WalMart failed In Germany because we got creeped out that the cashiers had to be saccharin friendly and couldn't sit down. If you are rude to service staff, they should not have to be nice to you. This expectation reeks of entitlement and is extremely dehumanising.
Agreed, I think that a lot of companies force their workers to perform happiness under very harsh working conditions. Customers have come to internalize and feel entitled to “always being right” at the expense of the emotional well-being of workers. It’s like being forced to carry a double-edge sword.
I can’t tell you how many unpleasant customers I endured emotional abuse from while I worked retail through college. I’m glad that my current job I get to work remotely and have very limited customer facing experiences, but that’s a luxury most don’t have. It’s truly dystopian and why I prefer to shop online to this day. Sometimes being a store gives me flashbacks. It’s just sad that the warehouse workers and delivery people also suffer in this labor economy.
Love this episode!! As a Starbucks barista, a big part of our training is focused on the emotional labor that's expected of us, it's exhausting! The amount of people that yell to your face while your manager expects you to keep smiling is crazy
i cannot understand what would motivate a customer to yell at staff, absolutely unacceptable. sorry you have to experience that
I second that. Taco Bell employee here. Often severely understaffed, overworked, consistently hit with unnecessary rudeness, etc. Makes me colder and lose faith in humanity. Loved this ep.
Just out of curiosity, and I know this is subjective, but if it's not a busy hour and some coffee nerd just wanted to geek out over some coffee, is that something a Barista appreciates? It's something I tend to do at local cafes.
@@LuisCaneSec Yes! Absolutely! I’m also a Starbucks barista, having come from other coffee shops, and I love when customers want to talk about coffee
How often does it happen that people yell at you? I hope its not often!
This was really interesting, but one avenue I think deserves attention is that it sometimes doesn't matter how kind/smiley/ etc you are, if your answer isn't what a customer wants to hear they'll still call you rude/uncaring. Even if you tell them exactly how to get what they want, but it's just not the way they thought.
@@samarnadra I'm not sure what you mean by yes and no. This isn't really relevant to what I'm saying. I'm really not sure what you're trying to say.
@@samarnadra lmao I've had customers make me cry and revel openly in that and make fun of me for it, so that "manipulation" doesn't always work with the truly disturbed patron
@@draisu yup pretty much, those customers are just fishing to upset you and i wish it was more common to be able to kick those patrons out. Ive had regular customers like that and they alwaysss find something to be upset about, like at what point to i just stop even trying with those customers cause they seem to want to be mad.
@@DestinyTrioInc would you like to speak to a manager about this person gently contradicting you?
@@ribbonsofnight ????? What do you mean??? What correction?
in defense of the weird tweet, while the phrasing is real weird and robotic, asking a friend something along the lines of "hi, can you talk right now? I'm kinda going through something", isn't a bad idea, espcially if you know that friend isn't in the best place right now and might not have the emotional capacity to hold your struggles. prioritsing your own mental health and being able to tell when trying to help someone else will just hurt you is important. and obviously if that's the case you need to communicate it well in a way that won't hurt your friend, but setting that kind of boundry doesn't make you a bad friend.
yeah, the wording was how I word things when i'm trying to avoid a co-worker, not a friend
I think the problem is the use of the word labor.... It kinda doesn't work in the context of friendship. Emotional labor, (how I understand it) is transactional, like a job, I do this and you pay me. So the emotion involved are fake I a sense.... This level of politeness and friendliness to you, a stranger, is there because of a financial insensitive... Be it, tips or a salary (and the worst part is that most of the time the jobs with the most emotional labor are the worst paid!!!)
The phrasing was also due to it being a template - the slashes indicate a couple options that can be chosen as relevant to a particular situation, and to be easy for someone not used to expressing boundaries to easily copy.
Anyone using it could adapt it more to their own voice and to the context of their relationship with the person they're sending it to.
If you say 'friends are supposed to support each other' as a reply to someone who is enforcing their boundaries, you are that friend who has no respect for anyone elses time and energy. Friends do support each other, but you are not entitled to someone's time and energy. If you think someone is being a bad friend for not being able to meet your needs every single time you go to them, you need to grow up.
Exactly. I prefer to not help a friend if I’m not good at that moment, because I know I won’t give the best support I can give in that moment. It really depends tho, if it’s a crisis moment instead of a “I just feel bad lol” moment, I will be there for them.
I never thought about how much the expectations of the customer going into the situation shapes the interaction, but now I'm looking back at the really great customer service interactions I've personally had and it totally makes sense.
A couple weeks ago I left a 10$ tip on a 11$ bill at a board game café because the staff let my group stay 15 minutes past closing to finish our game and put it away. In that situation I EXPECTED the staff to act negatively towards us because we lost track of time and were inconveniencing them. When I was met instead with kindness and a relaxed demeanor, that made me feel positively enough about the staff and the establishment that I tipped almost 100% and posted a novel of a CZcams comment. If I had come in expecting this level of accommodation by default and instead I (rightly) was asked to leave because they were closed, I would have had a very different review of the service there.
(If you bothered reading this far and are curious, the cafe is called RollPlay in Madison, Wisconsin, USA. We played Wingspan and ate dessert Taiyaki and had a blast!)
Wingspan is the best! And in my experience board game cafes are often hotspots for good customer service - partly because they tend to be staffed by people who really love board games :)
@@frannypiano wingspan :)
Eyy, Wingspan
joining the wingspan reply guys!
I think it’s because it shows you value their time and labor.
Customer service is great. I've straight up had a customer tell me to my face that the loss of my family member's life "didn't happen" and just kept smiling 'till I got a tip.
Jeez that’s awful
Ooooh fuxk that person, lemme hit them
Sorry that happened though
I’m so sorry, this is so disgusting and vile… some people really live to put others down, my condolences to your family.
The funny part is that he came back to place a second order because I was 'his kinda guy' so I guess I did something right lmao.
@@pip7990 Man, that sucks.
Who didn't die?
I remember working an absolute shit job at a fast food place that was open at the literal ass crack of dawn. I had to wake up at 3 AM so I could get ready and be there by 4. We opened at 5. The only people that came in when we were open were the elderly. One morning, I was sweeping and this older man told me "Smile, it can't be all that bad!" when I was literally looking down to sweep. He took my neutral face for anger or sadness. I learned rather quickly that, at that time, I did NOT have emotional labor skills. It still baffles me to this day that the expectation was that I would have an ear-to-ear grin on my face while doing such a mundane task as sweeping.
I just got re-depressed by the rememberance that in America waiters get most of their money from tips
Long time ago, I had a friend who worked in ramen shop. She would use this term (emotional labour) a lot and Ive always didn't think much of it. When I randomly came by on a day when the shop was so packed. Saw her on her break. You can tell a jekyll and hyde transformation and she would blow some steam off by complaining and yelling at times..then go back in with a nice smile like she didn't just express her feelings to me. That's when I realized the service industry can suck without those skills of emotional labour
I don't know that I really understand you last sentence but the anecdote was useful.
I've seen a couple people perform professional friendliness in a REALLY over-the-top manner. It's uncomfortable... But I know it would be worse if I gave into the urge to say "you don't have to-" because what's worse than someone disrupting your script for no reason? If someone told me to smile less or sound less cheery I'd cry.
Even so, they seem so strained :(
Cant speak for everyone but id appreciate that honestly, itd probably hella trip me up though, like im still adjusting at my new job to the customers being kind more often, it used to be hela rare at my old place but now its decently common, it scares me sometimes lmao. I wish the culture of it would change, like ok sure dont be rude, even be a little nice, but why do they need to act like every customer is the best person ever?
@@smason9157 yeah personally it can help to have a script for work. Plus even if someone tells me I can chill I’d just be in my head about it
For me, I notice I rely most on my script when I'm genuinely feeling the opposite. If I'm being overpeppy at work its most likely because I'm crazy stressed or on the verge of breaking down. If someone called me on the over enthusiasm I'd definitely cry lol
Two AIP episodes within 2 weeks! Melissa, Taha, Sabrina, and the editors. You spoil us!
I remember a couple coming into the diner I worked at when I was 19 and proselytizing to me because it was a Sunday and I was at work. They were obviously there for lunch after church and I guess it follows that if I was at work, I didn't go to church that morning. When I politely turned down their little tracts and pamphlet saying I was in college and couldn't afford to not take every shift I could the husband got angry and called me an evil jezebel among other things. When I went to my manager about it he told me I shouldn't have been talking to them about religion. 😣So heads up everybody in the American bible belt: if you are not cool with accepting pamphlets and little cartoons about how pop radio is the literal devil and having people creepily try to hold your hand to include you in prayers you should not work somewhere that is a popular destination for churchgoers on Sundays.
The real kick is at the time I usually went to Wednesday masses since I usually had to take at least part of wednesday off for school anyway but I didn't say "No thanks I'm Catholic" because that's somehow probably not a better answer, for some folks.
Ah yes, they get to have someone make lunch for them on a Sunday, but don't anybody dare to work on a Sunday....
That situation makes no sense to me (not saying I don't believe you, but that their logic is flawed.) As a person who works retail in the Bible belt, I see how many people are forced to work Sundays even though they really want to be at Church instead. If they want more people to be able to go to church on Sundays maybe they shouldn't be requiring your services on Sundays. 🙄
I used to volunteer at a local Senior Center that served Sunday lunch (SE Michigan). Without fail, a group of six or eight people (mostly couples) would come in from their church after services. They were without a doubt some of the grumpiest and most entitled people I've dealt with (and I've had prior service industry experience). Top that off with the fact they were consistently rude to those of us who were serving and cleaning (AS VOLUNTEERS!), and they can take their "have a blessed day" BS somewhere else.
So they disapprove of people who work on Sunday, but the enjoy the labor of those who do. Fascinating lack of self-awareness.
I would've taken the pamphlet and ripped it up in front of them
im glad tipping culture isnt a thing in Australia, or at least not yet. Im already working my ass off i dont want to be going another extra mile to even get paid. Respect to those who go through this shit
It's not just tipping culture. The same thing's generally expected of retail workers too, and they don't get anything extra for it. In fact, a lot of them make minimum wage.
Can y'all expand this to teachers? There's nothing like being yelled at by a teenager then their parents to later be chastised for not responding in kindness.
I think teaching has emotional labour but you cant compare it to the service industry. For starters your students are not customers who can ask for your manager and result in you getting reprimanded by your boss. Second and maybe the most important diffrence is the power dynamic. Again there is emotional labour involved but the consequences are not as high compared to the service industry.
@@Mattdewit it depends on the school as to whether there is getting reprimanded by one's boss for interactions with the "guests."
I'm not saying they're always equivalent, but there are some nightmare teaching scenarios out there and the power dynamic doesn't favor educators as much as one would think.
@@Mattdewit Teaching is literally a service though
@@Mattdewit except with parents they are? And we have to see the same customers every single day?
11:36 Absolutely, and what counts as "over" really differs between cultures as well. One of the reasons Wal-Mart failed in Germany was because they tried to bring their "service with a smile" routine with them, alienating both customers and workers.
I'll admit I fully expected some nonsense when the term emotional labour popped up. I wasn't even really aware of the original intention behind the term, just the ridiculous conclusions that one should also make private relationships transactional. Dr. Hochschild is right, it very much does distract from her actual point. Really glad I watched this. Bread.
EDIT: Tipping really is an awful custom that facilitates exploitation. It's just stressful, arbitrary and stupid for everyone involved except maybe the earn-it douchebags that enjoy the power trip and those who naturally have 100 charisma.
I work in a retail store, and many of the negative reviews we get are either over exaggerating or outright *lying* about their experiences because, and I cannot stress this enough, they were not allowed to *abuse* our services. We also get negative reviews by people who assumed they could get away with things explicitly stated otherwise in our service policy, either out of abuse or out of lack of reading comprehension coupled with being entitled. I once had a guy yell at me “the customer is always right” after I explained to them our policy.
The best customers are the ones who understand we are human too. Even if we mess up their service, we’re at least given the opportunity to make it right (without entitled demands).
I work in retail.. typically on the register which gets pretty rough. My store dropped mask mandates for employees but a bunch of us still wear masks so we don’t have to mask and fake our facial expressions to customers. It’s a bit easier to push cheerful energy into my voice when a customer lets me know I’m the stupidest person they’ve ever met for [insert reason] if I can frown under the mask while I’m doing it.
I was watching a video by Cj the x where he mentions that people in service industries don’t just have to be friendly and cheerful, they also need to maintain the facade that they love their job and they love capitalism and they are happy to be there when in reality they need this job to survive in a system that undervalues them.
The transition from describing emotional labor using influencers as an example to an ad read was wild.
No hate. Secure the bag.
I couldn't stop thinking about streamers, many of the people who steam full time have gotta seem happy/reactive every day.
edit: spelling
@@zebedeesummers4413 que ludwigs video 'i am not your friend' lmao
There actually is a term for the emotional energy we put into our interpersonal relationships: "emotional work"
It was coined by Arlie Hochschild in 1979 as a companion to paid "emotional labor."
I'm in tech support for a product and service that's dependent on the wellbeing of other products/services but people tend to blame us for issues/downtime, and often call in after waiting a good half hour or hour on hold because "nobody answers the phones" (actually we're horrendously understaffed and the Great Resignation is hitting us hard), so nearly every interaction, every back to back call, is met with emotional labour right off the bat with an apology for the long wait time.
There's also the added emotional labour of having to break the bad news to the customer at the end that our product isn't the problem and that the actual problem could potentially cost a lot of money to fix via a potentially expensive service call, and you never know how people are going to react to that, so it's like constantly being on pins and needles because we're already being seen as the "bad guy".
There's a lot of racism/bigotry from customers too that my non-white, non-male co-workers have to deal with, and it's heartbreaking to witness.
Yeahhh tech support/call-in customer service is really rough for that. I did customer service for a phone company before, thankfully it was a company centered on helping the customer a little more than meeting quotas because it's really frustrating to work a job where you want to help people but can't because of terrible company policy, and either way you have a lot of emotional labour on your hands
"I've been on hold for half an hour trying to get through to you"
*Yeah. And I'm trying to help you quicker so I can get onto the next guy, just let me solve your problem so we can hopefully get hold times down rather than me have to deal with at least a minute of useless complaining wasted off every call.*
"I'm sorry for your wait. What can I help you with today?"
THIS THIS THIS!! Emotional labour is most of what I do, more than actual tech support, yet that was never listed as a core component of the job description. I'm tech support, not therapy. Emotional labour/complaining can go on for a solid ten minutes while I already have the solution in mind, but I can't share the solution because there is literally no break in the talking for me to jump in with. If they just stopped doubling the handle time through their complaining, I could've fixed the issue right away.
Most people don't actually care about whatever issue they came with; they just want to vent/verbally abuse somebody in a vulnerable position ("customers always right") making min wage
@@ricemonsterr124 All while being pressured to wrap up the call as soon as possible so that it doesn't hurt your average call handle time, right?
@@BB-te8tc *shudders* not me fearing work on a Sunday 🤣
This is something that as a Brit has always slightly creeped me out when I used to travel to the US, all the people in service jobs were over friendly and it came off as weird and fake to me, I still always asked what the price was including tip because my mental arithmetic is rubbish and tipping culture is a thing I do not understand or agree with.
However, to my admittedly biased English eyes, there is a difference between professional and friendly and one of my friends came up with the idea why very posh and expensive restaurants have arrogant waiters is so that the rich and famous can be treated with haughty respect instead of happy obsequiousness. I don't know if I buy it, but it's certainly an idea.
4:06 the vsauce theme reference is much appreciated, that was perfect !!
Edit : yep, it's a business relationship, but as a french, I gotta say, waiters are often cold, barely polite and overwhelmed (at least in paris) and they don't try to be nice at all, they know most people probably won't ever come back anyway cuz it's too big of a city. However, a smile and a friendly and polite exchange goes a long way.
On the other hand, in north america (I've studied in the US for a year), I have been shocked by how caring, smiling and attentive waiters were to the point where it just felt super fake, and oppressive most of the time (no I don't need you to come and ask me if everything's all right 20 times over the course of my meal... it's exhausting both for you and me).
Working in a tiny restaurant, I try to strike a balance between the parisian and american way, I always smile at first, but if the customer's rude I won't hesitate to be super formal and neutral (while ofc remaining polite). I understand people can have bad days, but you gotta be nice to me, just as much as I have to be nice to you, it's called "being human" and it extends way beyond business relationships.
Australia here, and I find the American expectation of service staff to be... cloying? I think we generally strike a good balance here between politeness and practicality, for the most part. Staff are generally polite - not distant, but neither are they checking in on you more than once during a meal generally (though you can always attract attention if you need it). Their income, however, is not contingent on tips at all. You can tip if you want to, but it isn't expected in the slightest.
such a different experience here in Finland, with staff actually getting paid and tips actually being a tip instead of being half of your pay
It's very hard to stay smiling when a customer is rude, or starts saying bigoted stuff. I think I'm going to stop keeping up the facade. What's the worst they can do, leave me a bad review?
well the impornat part is that you dont carry that, ill say attitude, to the next customer because that one didnt do anything wrong and you should treat people just as nice as youd like to be talked to
They can get you fired. Still dumb to keep up the act though, that shouldnt be necessary
I almost got fired because I didn't keep smiling while a customer was telling that because of my skin color I was too dumb to serve her and she wanted someone else. Mind you I would usually let another girl deal with people like her but this was a Sunday right before Christmas, everyone was busy and we had a lineup outside the store. I told her sadly no one was available so she would have to wait a little longer if she wanted someone different and that's when the scene and the insults really started and that's what saved me because firing me after a big customer's scene would've looked bad on management.
I've never done service work (beyond a very specific year in the military) but I've always gone out of my way to be understanding and patient with service workers. I've always hoped that my patience has made someone's day even the slightest bit less stressful.
"Color printing is very expensive." (Me: Begins to have flashbacks to mandatory color printing on assignments as a design student😱😱 )
I'm so glad my college's design lab has color printers available covered by our class fees because I'm already broke enough as is💀
@@angelle050801 Wow I wish mine had that. Sounds like a dream. I had to get prints from random kinkos and pray their machines didn't destroy them lol
@@angelle050801 I had to pay for my printer myself but I didn't have any class fees.
Oh gosh yes! I'm in a class right now that's so expensive!! I used to work at a print shop and never realized how expensive it was, especially for large prints. Thankfully finals are in a week
I just wanted to say as someone with mental health issues, yes, sometimes I can't be there for my friends. If someone reached out to me in crisis, is it really fair to expect someone, in this case me, to be there for them just because? I would like to challenge that thought. Sometimes you can't be there for someone. It may not be called "emotional labour" but that is because someone gave meaning to that word by defining it as such and not because being there for a friend can't be tedious or sometimes even too much for someone to handle.
Honestly, if someone thought I was a bad friend, just because I can't always drop everything and just be there for them, I would not consider them my friend anymore. Otherwise, great episode!
glad to see i wasn't the only one irked by that segment, and really hoping they respond to the criticism for it, it was very disheartening to hear
@@juangarcia6473 I'm also very glad I'm not the only one thinking like this, maybe the person in the tweet went a little overboard with the formalities but still they should be allowed to say how they feel
Okay but I think setting boundaries with friends is healthy. The specific answer prompt might have seemed a bit deranged, but there's times that friends have texted me with a problem and I wasn't in a good place either so I gently had to tell them "sorry another time". Totally valid in my opinion!!!
When I worked in the service industry I was passed over for raises and promotions several times due to emotional labor. I've since gotten much better at it, but it's not now nor was it ever part of my job description. It's like an unspoken, unpaid for, secret part of the "job" of almost all service workers to be happy and friendly and always polite and smiling even during the worst abuse. I hate it.
I think that's a really good description. Because a good part of the problem is that it's not formally acknowledged (for example in your contract) then it is not recognized as part of the effort you make and ultimately it's not getting paid.
Oh, the amount of times that I have to laugh at jokes that really just aren't funny as a hostess. A lot of people will ask for me to kick other people out when we're on a wait as a joke, in various forms, like shooing them out or hovering over their table. They do it as a joke of course, but I get it at least once a week. I had one gentleman joke that I had no idea how tempting my two braids were- in front of two other ladies at his table too. We also have three booths that nobody seems to like and people always joke that 1. "We have been naughty" 2. "We are so close to the bathrooms" or 3. "I'm going to get up and grab myself a soda from that service station". I can't tell if people know how much their jokes are lacking in creativity sometimes, but unless the person is being a dick I'll still do my best to respond like the person is original and funny.
That really sucks, people that work in this industry are vastly underappreciated
@@summerrose883 Fortunately, as long as you do a good job the majority of people are pretty friendly. I've definitely had a few emotional labor moments tho (I'm looking at you woman who made me get at your husband's feet to clean up a pickle from under the table)
Maybe something to consider is the USA culture, where the service worker relies heavily on tips instead of just a fixed hourly rate. I am not from the USA and people don't tip the waiters, the waiter salary is already included in the price of the restaurant bill.
the income of the worker depends on every interaction going as good as they possibly can, this seems extremely stressful, and I find it kind of cruel with the workers.
The only people that enjoy the tipping is the restaurant as they can advertise their prices without having to include the labour cost.
The server that's forced to be friendly to get a living wage and the customer who's guilt tripped into having to tip well so the waiter didn't had to work for nothing.
Under most European cultures you round up the price a few bucks and if you don't tip it's also fine. Listening to USA dinning culture sounds exhausting to me.
@@cyan_oxy6734 And even that rounding up is likely becoming less common now that more transactions are done with some kind of bank card instead of cash. It makes it an explicit step that the customer usually has to initiate and may not even be possible. Or maybe I guess customers can leave a bit of cash at the table while paying through the normal system?
I only know what's normal for me here in the Netherlands with very minimal exposure to it due to only going to restaurants rarely. But it's definitely one of those things that is not expected but if it does happen can be a nice extra based on my own experience.
Oh and that's just talking about tips, the whole overly helpful/present thing tends to annoy me both in restaurants and stores. I don't mind being asked if I keep lingering at certain items for a few minutes to get asked ONCE if they can help me, but otherwise I'll find someone to ask the question to. In a restaurant I don't mind the staff dropping by once or twice during the evening beyond getting the order and dropping food off, but being harassed more with having to talk and interact would annoy me and likely make me less inclined to leave any tip than I already am.
Here in the Czech Republic emotional labour is not automatically expected of service workers, just baseline politeness, but no smiling or compliments. But we also do not have a tipping culture.
Also, next time you should try using some software for the coding, e.g. Atlas.ti or Dovetail. The license would be cheaper than printing and it has added useful features.
Yeah, I am in Italy and it's the same. I think that is linked to the tipping culture (in Italy there is very little)
Same in India - as long as they're not being actively rude or actually scowling at you, it's good service. There are a few American chains that have opened up in recent years (like Chillies), and seem to train their servers "the American way". I frankly found it a little creepy. Like no, I don't want you to come smile at me every 5mins and ask me how the food is, how the service is, if I want anything, blah blah - I want to enjoy the meal and the company! If I need something, I'll ask! Also the whole big smile followed by a "Hiiiii, I'm XYZ and I'll be your server today" was just weird. Like, am I expected to go "Hiiiii, I'm ZYX, and I'll be your customer today?" It's so fake and unnecessary - we'll interact for maybe 10mins tops, we don't need to be on first name basis!
@@whydoineedanameiwillneverp7790 tbh i agree, after all we don't go to restaurants to hang out with the waiter and they're going there to earn money, not to make new relationships.
people shouldn't be entitled to their waiter being all happy and their only priority being one customer because they might now even remember the customer's face the next day anyway.
Id prefer this honestly, like its such a better experience, im there for food or groceries or whatever not compliments kd extreme kindness so i dont really need or even want that.
Eastern Europeans are the best. They don't fake platitudes with me, which appeals to the way I like to interact with workers.
I understand why some people find them rude, but I consider them direct. I can't stand the over the top platitudes.
Loved the content of this video, really interesting, but it felt a little incomplete. Was hoping for more analysis of the reviews. I'd love to see a part 2! Cuz as you say, there's a lot to unpack in these reviews.
Makes me think of Japan and Germany in comparison to the USA when it comes to expected customer service. Japan goes Waaaaaaaay harder on how much emotional labor is expected from its service workers(or often even its non-service workers). Where I've heard(can't confirm for sure) that Germany goes in the other direction. You're there to mutually benefit each other by changing money for services. You don't have to be polite, you just can't be rude.
Germany confirms very matter-of-factly. ;) A server is not a servant, and does not hang his/her character on the jacket-rack when startig their job. They are pretty much exactly as they always are, within the reasonable limits of being polite to customers/strangers. Also thes actually get paid, although that's true for Japan as well.
I was a barista for years. It was amazing to me how many people expected me to remember their order, but didn’t even know my name, or really what I looked like. (I know this because they would confuse me with other baristas who worked there even though we all looked quite different).
Like I had one older gentleman who would come in every couple weeks he’s order was INSANE and he would just say “my usual” even if it was a new person on till. He’d make you remake it until it was perfect, but wouldn’t give instruction and expected us to do it with a smile.
He would look at a person he had no way of recognizing, cause they where new, and assume that they could psychically know that his coffee needed half pumps of five syrups, and half soy, half whole milk, 200° F, with no, and I mean NO foam. He complained to management and corporate a few times.
Honestly I enjoyed so many parts of that job. But the need to smile and be calm even in the face of people who where so irrational was the worst part by far.
I had a boss tell me I wasn't allowed to have bad days as a manager being paid $10 an hour without enough crew. i didn't realize how much of a toll being "happy" at that job all the time was taking on me until she said that. it was more work appeasing customers with a smile than the constant running, cleaning, and making folk's food under impossbly short time frames.
I’m always super conscious of how I’m treating the servers, almost moreso than how they’re treating me.
I remember recently I was at a cafe and our coffee was taking a long time - but we waited probably longer than we should have to inquire.
When we finally did raise it, the person I took to be the manager chewed out the server within my earshot saying she didn’t write down the order properly or something. Then two different people came to our table to apologise and comp our drinks.
It felt incredibly awkward - people make mistakes, and we got our coffee in the end. I just felt really bad that we got the server in trouble. It makes me have a bad opinion of the management, not the server.
I genuinely cannot bare to mistreat a service worker, I respect them for so much work & endurance they have to have for the job. Thank you service workers all for your work!🙌🙌🙌
I have asd and generally focus on service above all.
So long as the needs of the service are being met I really don't mind.
But when someone is overly personable and friendly that indeed puts extra expectations on me to reciprocate. Being an emotional person is draining.
I really just want my food/product 😅
I wonder if that is somehow related to the Karen phenomenon; housewives are notoriously under a ton of emotional labor 24/7 so I can see the entitlement being a messed up cop out so for once someone goes the extra mile for them, instead of them for the kids, husband, etc. Of course doesn’t justify their demeanor, but is a connection I find interesting.
I think that's worth looking into tbh - I think there's definitely a connection there
My best example of a customer expecting me to perform emotional labor my very last day working for a sandwhich joint. I could barely breathe or stand due to an allergic reaction to the mold I had cleaned off the bread cabinet, my wrists were burning from the repetitive motion injuries constantly cutting bread and squeezing bottles had given me, and to top it off, we had just gotten a call from someone saying they would rob us when we closed. A guy came in and I greeted him, trying to smile. He asked me how I was and I said "pretty good", to which his response was "Pretty good? Not good?? Not great??"
I had to stop myself from screaming "I'm BAD, OKAY. I'M REALLY BAD." Instead I had to plaster on a smile and pretend like I cared about his day while he ordered
I generally earn more in tips when I wear makeup vs when I don't, which was definitely an interesting thing to learn. people might not be doing it on purpose, but there is a pattern there.
I actually moved over to hotels when I figured this out! I hated wearing makeup when I was a server.
That's interesting. I kind of want someone to do, like, a scientific study of that.
@@vigilantcosmicpenguin8721 there has been a lot, the answer is very simple: the better looking you are the more tips you get!
Relatedly, I’ve always noticed not just flight attendants but the ladies who check you in at the desk (unless those are also flight attendants and I am just stupid) have on FULL faces of makeup and I find it bizarre! My mom was extremely minimalist and thus so am I, so anything more than lipstick and maybe mascara seems excessive to me for work that isn’t in front of a camera.
On 4:57 when you talked a bought the tweet, I feel as tho it is totally valid to make that statement. We all have our own things going on, and specially as a therapist friend, it can be overwhelming trying to help multiple friends at the same time dealing with your own stuff. I know friends are support to be there for each other, but you have to keep in mind that when you reach out for help from friends, your putting some of the burden you have onto them, and that can be very tiring. It’s best to ask first if they are available to be there for you. It is not a friends responsibility to be your personal therapist.
I was a receptionist in an orthotics office until July 2021.... I'm done with customer service D.O.N.E. DONE!!!!!
Got screamed at twice in the same day cause the schedule was full! Our orthotics techs need to eat too! I can't invent time!
I am so happy for you, but oh my goodness “I can’t invent time” is a HECK of a line
While I totally get that emotional labour as its being used to describe friendship has strayed from the original definition / we should probably think of other ways to describe this situation, I maybe wouldn't go so far as to call the tweet deranged? Being able to set boundaries, even if a friend *is* in crisis, can be really important for a lot of reasons, and no matter how amazing you are as a person you might not be able to help friends in a crisis 100% of the time. Pushing yourself past the limit of what you're emotionally able to handle (esp if you're neurodivergent) can feel awful and lead to resentment toward the friend that asked for support - being "on" for your friends is still work, esp if your brain is on overload. It might also mean you're not at your best to support someone right in that moment, but maybe after you have a chance to rest a bit you'll be able to support them. Yeah, the template was pretty formal/maybe weird sounding if this kind of language isn't what you normally use, but I feel like the idea behind it is coming from a place of caring for both yourself and your loved ones - being at an emotionally stable point will allow you to do right by them when they need you. I'm not formally diagnosed with anything atm, but hearing the ways that tweet was discussed (and saying that person was a bad friend) stung, because being explicit in checking in with people before talking about heavy stuff can help a lot of relationships.
Really well done video as always; and an important conversation to have about the labour we automatically expect from service workers!
Agreed about checking in! For me it's usually super basic like I'll ask my friend "do you have energy to listen to me rant about something?" But it still gives space so that there are options.
@@mynameiskatethegreat 100% ! Being simple and honest about it can be added to part of a routine in your friendship and make things feel better for everyone :'))
I know this is an old comment, but I was hoping someone would say this in the comment section and I just had to voice my agreement.
I also wanted to add on that the formal language, while odd to some others, is actually very comforting to me and the people I talk to when addressing these types of situations. It's polite and it doesn't assume anything, so it makes sense to use in a situation that might require delicacy and care. If you show the person you are genuinely coming from a place of concern, then formal language actually becomes incredibly comforting and an incredibly clear and implication-free form of communication.
As someone who works in the restaurant business, or as I call it "fighting the good fight" I deeply appreciate this video, and also appreciate all of the people who are kind to the staff, because NO ONE at the store level, management included, makes a proportional amount of money to the abuse we receive from crappy customers.
Helping a friend in a difficult situation isn't emotional labor, but you absolutely should communicate if you don't feel equipped to handle what they're dealing with at that moment. Mainly because if you try to help when not in the right headspace, you can end up doing way more harm than good. Obviously context matters on that and it can be a judgement call (are they in immediate physical danger, are they planning on harming themselves, etc.) but there should be space in every relationship to say "I can't handle this right now, I'm sorry."
Yeah I understood the point but I think this clarification is necessary. It felt quite dismissive to people's very real situation where being in crisis is not a one off thing but an ongoing situation where it's just not sustainable to constantly provide emotional support. I'm having a tough day for exactly this reason somewhat ironically.
As a marriage therapist & psychologist I can tell you that emotional labor in interpersonal relationships is 100% real. (I don’t mind if later on we find a different term for it but for now I used emotional labor). And that person’s tweet is not deranged 😂 People get used to it & it dissipates a lot of dissapointment. Obviously it may not be appropriate every time! But for most daily situations like talking about a bad day at work, people don’t really prefer someone half-heartedly listening to you or not giving the reactions you were expecting (which feels like a refusal of an invitation to connect, makes you feel unseen, and possibly lowers trust and emotional connection if frequent). However not paying enough attention or positive attention is the most likely response you can get if that person is emotionally spent too. This idea of consent also improves perceived respect. And remember- it goes both ways so it also allows you to say “I am too emotionally tired right now but…” And it seems like partners that last a long time generally find expressing needs and limits much better in most situations, with the caveat that they still need to make “an invitation to connect” or turn towards an “invitation to connect at other times when they feel more able.
Totally hyped for this video. Thanks for being a real one, in such trying times.
I work in pharmacies and I have seen a corporate shift from "just always smile" to "react appropriately to the patient so the patient knows you're focused on him/her.". There are still older generations teaching and expecting the former and they are the hardest to deal with. Hello, It's a pharmacy, not your escape fantasy to Pleasantville. However...The one I'm in now is awful because NO ONE, staff or patient, does the emotional labor and whatever mood that person is in WILL be taken out on you. I've never seen anything like this before and it blows my mind. And it creates a chain reaction that affects the entire team and patient base for the rest of the day. So, I see how emotional labor is a good thing when it helps you prevent your emotions and personal baggage from affecting other; it can help you and others move forward after bad experiences.
IMO everyone should work in service at some point in their life. I was never unfriendly to service workers but after working as a cashier, I have started to always make eye contact, smile, say thank you and wish them a good rest of the day when I buy groceries or go for coffee. Simply because I experienced how much it can mean myself.
Tips on Chinese waitress /waiter are lower than u can ever imagine but the level of stress is higher than u can ever imagine
I dislike performance related pay, so I often tip a flat 20% irrespective of service. I'm not 100% consistent about it but I never concosuosly add more for good service or reduce it for bad service. I feel like judging how well the server did their job is the company's job, not my job as a customer.
I’ve always wondered if it would be received well if I were to tell a server that they’re getting 20% from me no matter what so they don’t feel the need to be on so much. Like there’s a huge difference between being rude and not being in customer service mode and all I want is not rude
the amount of work put into this video is crazy. good job
To be fair with the whole "Printing the reviews out vs just having a computer search for buzz words" point - sometimes computers highlight words that may not be all that useful - "The" and "That" and "a" and "and" would stand out a lot due to their usage, but "RUDE" and "RUUUDE" would not get considered the same buzz word, because although some letters are duplicated...sometimes that's actually useful determination for different words.
That said, colour printing is surprisingly more expensive when you're printing a lot of pages; they nickel and dime you as much as possible for those colour prints.
Was distracted by the fact that Sabrina likely could have funded an iPad for Melissa with the cost of all that print shop paper...
Cannot get enough of the retro cartoon style - great work by the Vargases!
Thank you! :)
Used to be a waiter, and gotta say, I'm not sure I agree that expecting the emotional labor is asking too much. That labor is 100% real and I think everyone at the restaurant I worked knew that, because you can make the food at home, or have it delivered, and it would cost way, way less. The experience is what you pay for. The point about giving emotional labor back as a customer is important though. It's a form of suspension of disbelief - if you, the customer, are not going to be part of the dance that we're all pals here, you're going to have a much worse experience as you snark at me and I "break character".
Also, to your point at 9:10 about the negative review that gave a good tip: I read somewhere (year ago now, so I wish I could verify this) that mostly people leave the same tip regardless of service/product satisfaction. My personal anecdotes echoes that. I spilled coke on someone and they gave me a good tip, and was absolutely perfect to tables that left
Most the time if I go out to eat, it would cost me more money to make the thing at home or get it delivered. (The "at home" part mainly because you can't get all the ingredients measured out for just 1 portion of a recipe.) And delivery fee + tip is obviously more than just tipping for dine-in, so I'm guessing you worked at a high-end restaurant? But workers even at cheap places are expected to smile and all that.
I will gently disagree. Imo because of the added expense in time and money, going out to eat is mostly a social thing. Like idk, going out to celebrate a special occasion or having a dinner with friends. What is being paid for is the ability to gather with people over a meal without anyone in the group having to think about cooking or washing dishes -- which is a significant amount of work, not to be sneezed at! It's not reasonable imo for people to expect emotional labor in additon to that.
regarding the friendship-stuff: honestly, if I am already close to a panic attack, how am I supposed to help another person in the same or an even worse state? I'm of no help to others if I'm not stable rn myself. Same goes for when I just had a panic attack or am just so preventing myself from having one and being there for so. else in that moment is impossible for me to do. So yes, the answer templet is a really good one if you really need it. That shouldn't be used as a lazy excuse ofc, but only bc so. is overworked or depressed or anxious or ... themselves and they can't handle another person's negative emotions rn doesn't mean they're a bad friend.
It is totally normal and ok to not be able to deal with another person's problems, struggles, anxieties, etc at a certain point of time. And if two or more persons are close enough to each other and know each other well enough, they know, they know that the other person really does mean what they are saying rn and that they are overburdened themselves and therefore have no capactiy left at the moment.
That is totally valid and I think it's just not ok to call being self aware and telling another person that you don't have the capacity to be there for them rn the way they deserve it being a bad friend. Yes, people can abuse that, but people can be shitty anyway, and only bc so. doesn't have any mental space rn doesn't make them a bad friend.
Sometimes in my relationship there are moments when I can't be there for my partner and my partner can't be there for me. Ofc that shouldn't be a standard, but it's ok if it happens from time to time and if people communicate that honestly and openly that is 100% valid and ok.
Having said all that, of course it depends on the level of the crisis. Is it that you just don't feel so good and need someone to talk to about your worries or is it that you are suicidal right now? That's a big difference. Yes, when my partner or a friend of mine has a panic attack or even worse, ofc they can always call me and I'll do my best to provide "first aid" to help them in this situation rn out of urgency. But if I'm already overloaded with my own emotional baggage, bearing another one's can sometimes be too much and that is totally ok
So no, it doesn't make me a bad friend automatically. It still depends and it is important that we differenciate here.
I agree. I think it's just some of the wording that feels really off. Melissa makes a good point that that is a potential misuse of the term "emotional labour", which specifically refers to when you receive capital from the interaction. "I'm at capacity" comes across as too business-y/robotic, and "I can't hold space for you" carries the connotation/sounds like you're literally trying to say "you are not worth my time". Maybe it's better to be less polite, funnily enough. Just an "I'm really busy/have a lot on my plate/need to sleep/need to eat/etc. right now, let's meet/talk at [time] and [place]" will do, no need for all that extra jargon
@@raspberrytaegiI absolutely agree with all of that, yes!
Part of me died when I heard the "google reviews are unbiased" line because from my time working at a theater (note that I actually facepalmed to the memories of the people that actually ended up leaving reviews of the theater) they all fell into the categories of either
1. YOOOO THIS PLACE RULES! THEY LET ME DRINK BEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRR
2. it cool because it inexpensive
3. they raised the price 1 dollar since the last time I was here 47 years ago 0 stars
4. I thought the guy at the window was a girl 3/5 I just needed to say that so that everyone knows
5. the comedian was not funny and when I yelled at the people working there they did not throw the guy out
man that last person was a hoot
these videos are just getting better & better. I guess I'm one of those reviewers saying "you go, girl"
My favorite thing about your channel is the sheer amount of effort and analysis you go through. It's head and shoulders above most other channels. The thoroughness is sooooo satisfying. Even on the rare off-chance you may come to the wrong conclusion, you still offer a unique perspective supported by data. Thank you so much for your work!
This reminded me of one experience I had working in a store!
We had so many customers to serve but one guy had held up the queue by being overly friendly and just laying out his entire life story on me. All I could do was smile and nod… I could see the queue getting worse and when he eventually left, I was just rushed off my feet. I vented my frustration and my manager said “you’re being unfair. he was just lonely.” So I just shut up about the issue
But after watching this I’ve had a light bulb moment in that, yes, it’s okay for me to be frustrated with that interaction! I am not paid to be this persons friend and the situation was actually pretty inappropriate.
I think emotional labour is even more expected on women as well! We judge women harder if they are not always smiling and willing to listen!
So spooky, I just thought “answer in progress haven’t posted in a while”, and went to your channel to check if I was missing videos. I wasn’t, so I closed CZcams, and two minutes later I reopened it to FIND A NEW VIDEO FROM YOU!
That's strange! Didn't Taha post a new one on mechanical keyboards like last week?
@@EyeGlassTrainofMind haha yes I forgot to say that I meant other than that one.
It always makes me so happy to see y’all uploaded a new video. Keep up with the good work!
When I worked in a 5 star country restaurant, I loved when I could have a connection. Get into a chat with the older retired couple away for the weekend and we can often connect on my interest and their kids’ career. Basically it was an emotional top up that helped me with dealing with everyone else. As long as I could get a few good customer interactions, it helped with everything.
Really good point at the end! Emotional labor needs to be understood as a business relationship.
As an ex-hotelier, I appreciate your research and exploration into this topic!
As a person and practitioner who advocates for mental health, I am sorely disappointed by how you presented the tweet. The tweet is not “deranged”, nor should you be offended if your friend tells you that it’s not a good time and that they cannot give you their full attention. Other people, no matter how close to you, do not owe you their time and have their own lives as well (which include struggles). While the term “emotional labor” has indeed been overused as with other terms like “trauma”, it helps people name their experiences. Academia is there to serve society through education, not dictate it.
Overall, your placement and response on how this tweet is ridiculous in the context of emotional labor is misplaced, go against your goals of educating others by MISINFORMING us (to think that close friends need to ABSOLUTELY cater to our problems otherwise, as your chapter writes “ur a bad friend”), and hence really shocking.
I hope y’all do better.
these videos are encouraging me to try harder when writing stuff for college, thank y’all so much
I give this video 5 stars! You guys put a lot of work into it, and it's great!
Hot damn Olivér & Krisztina Varga, those animations were SO good!
Thank you! :) Much appreciated!
I disagree that emotional labor cannot be used to describe work done within interpersonal relationships, and I think it's fair to tell a friend you can't help them at that moment! But other than that, fantastic video as usual :)
Idk, I'm in the camp of Arlie Hochschild that emotional labor should be limited to commercial interactions. At work you're incentivised to behave in a certain way (even if it doesn't reflect your current emotional state) because it correlates to your income based on single interactions. With interpersonal relationships, the incentive is completely different. If a friend needs help, you're incentivised to provide said help with the expectation that if the roles were reversed, they would help you.
Your friend might not have the opportunity to repay you in full right away. It might take weeks, months or even years; but you help out anyways because you have a long-term pattern of behavior that makes you confident that reciprocity will be kept.
If helping out a friend feels like labor (as in a job), that means something's gone wrong with your current emotional state or with the friendship as a whole imo. The distinction that I would make is between tasks that are emotionally *taxing* vs tasks that are emotionally *laborious*. Listening to a troubled friend talk about their tough times is taxing. Pretending to laugh at an annoying client's unfunny and unoriginal joke so that you get paid more is laborious.
Then again, I also have a pet peeve with people unnecessarily using academic (sounding) verbiage to describe common occurrences. Using a term like "emotional labor" to set boundaries with a loved one sucks the life out of the relationship, even if it's supposed to be about healthy boundaries and mindfulness. To me it's similar to saying someone "passed away", it makes it sound like that person simply moved to a different country. Saying they died invokes the raw emotions that you're supposed to feel knowing that person is never coming back.
Sorry for the rant, your comment was the only one that expressed that sentiment and I wanted to write out a counter.
Labour is usually used to described economics and financial transactions, rather than the efforts we might do for ourselves or for people we have personal relationships with.
@@emilejetzer7657 I think this has been an issue in society for a while - Mothers, for example, are seen as not doing as much work as the traditional breadwinner, likely because emotional labor isn't seen as labor. It shouldn't be limited to the commercial realm.
The amount of effort yall put into your videos is amazing. Loved it! As someone who works in a semi service industry emotional labor is exhausting even as an extrovert.
Great video! Having never worked in the service industry I really feel it for y'all guys. Gonna keep trying to be as kind and friendly as possible. Also, the animation was amazing! cheers!
Ive been doing tech support and customer servoce for 8 years now... it can ruin you mentally. When i have customers just being the slightest humane i almost cry. Its brutal.
As a customer, it breaks my heart to listen to that tense pause where the worker expects to be yelled at for something that's not their fault.
@@sabrinusglaucomys a lot of people are very entitled and with companies pushing us to be more and more attentive to provide the best support we can it just raises the bar of what the customer expects. For the cust of course its good, but for the employees it just giving us less and less room to slip up and be human.
In the UK in the places I've worked I just be myself and just if I'm miserable that day so be it and if ppl ask just say I'm having a terrible day and if they go "oh sorry" I just say I'm telling the truth BC if I was forced be happy I won't be. Also when I say that the customers sometimes try and be daft to cheer me up it's actually really funny when that happens.
I really like how you guys also walk us through your research process, it really makes the videos more engaging and fun.
Y'all should read animal shelter reviews like THE TEA 🍵. My favorite is a person complaining that their ducks got taken away AND THE SHELTER OWNER RESPONDED GOING OFF ABOUT HOW THEY LET THE DUCKS WANDER IN THE STREET! If you're looking for tea go read shelter reviews some of these people are ANGRY.
Yay answer is progressed!
I work as an IT-Supporter and when I started they were pushing hard for asking for a feedback form at the end of every phone call.
Now, the mentor I had told me that they have made some studies that people who have had a bad experience, they will tell 3 people more than those who have had a good experience.
Personally, I think they pulled that number out of their ass, but... I will agree that unless we ask, people who have had good service is just done and don't think about grading it.
People who are angry will leave their opinion, whether you ask or not.
I really enjoyed how much effort you put into this! :) Thank you
This was such a great video. This was well-done, well-researched, and put together in a great format.
4:00 - I'd like to mention some things about health, people, and terminology. This isn't a criticism of your disagreement, but rather a different side to the situation. Regardless of intent, the functional application of terminology probably matters more. Since the term "emotional labor" has shifted use and application, the more helpful approach would be coining a new term for the former meaning rather than correcting people using the latter. It sounds unfair, but as someone who has worked in disability advocacy groups for 10+ years, I've seen how dicey conversations can get around terminology and the application thereof. (I work with an older crowd, but apparently younger circles use the term "otherly-abled" now? Which the older circles finds offensive or uncomfortable. It can get tricky; the old terms become slurs due to ableist influence, being replaced quickly by new terms that will probably also become slurs someday - because unfortunately, as you know, people are awful, especially to other people who are different).
A really harmless comparative example would be that whole internet meltdown that happened back in 2013 over the term "ironic". A lot of people use the term "ironic" to express a dichotomy of expectations vs. reality, and some people took it upon themselves to try and educate others about the "correct" usage of the term. The resolution? Webster officially expanded the definition to include the way the term was already being applied and used. People don't really argue about it anymore. Context is usually enough to make things clear.
Language is a constantly evolving thing, and I've seen the new use for "emotional labor" generate some important conversations about boundaries and the troubling "implied consent" of certain social relationships.
I've been in situations before where one friend is contacting me because her mother died and she needs someone to talk to, while another friend is messaging me goodbye because they are actively going to try and kill themselves - and suddenly you have to discern how much info you're allowed to share about either situation, to whom, and what amount of responsibility you're capable of undertaking in either case. Having a shorthand way to defer someone to a different emotional support or a professional can be useful in an emergency. I've had to watch people die because I was forced into the position of acting as a therapist for people I cared about when I didn't have the resources or training to handle those kinds of situations. Now more than ever, the idea of expecting friends or family to provide supplemental therapy should not be taken lightly - even in the most well-meaning and loving situations, it can create dangerous expectations.
So please do not denounce people trying to streamline communication surrounding these issues. If it gets the point across, the term will continue to be used in this fashion. You never know what someone is going through.
There was a time where euphemistic labels like "differently-abled" and person-first language (e.g. person with autism) were pushed, but I have mostly seen that younger advocates today prefer to destigmatize "disabled" and use identity-first language (e.g. autistic)
@@geoff5623 I went to college a few years ago and in psychology at least, the person-first thing is still taught: “We do not say schizophrenic, we say person with schizophrenia.” I don’t like it myself, but I have that memory of that being across the board.
This made me wonder about emotional labor but in the case of influecners, like streamers for example. What a great topic, spot on as always from AiP and loved the motion design/animations on this one too!
Oh you know they have to put up a fascade, especially since we expect youtubers to be super energetic
cant imagine you have gone through all those reviews. Love this video💪🏻💪🏻
The work you guys put in the videos is amazing! Thanks