A Painful Breakup & Learning to Be Alone | Ex-Fundie Diaries Vlog
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- čas přidán 2. 06. 2024
- I’m going through a rough time right now. Here’s a little update; thanks for watching ❤️
My TikTok: / exfundiediaries
00:00 - Stepping out of my comfort zone
02:10 - Mental health meds + a new job
05:21 - A painful breakup
07:15 - Learning to be alone
Imagine description: Elly, who is white with brown eyes and brown hair, is wearing green glasses and sitting in a car
Hey Ellie, that all sounds quite heavy to deal with. No advice here, just a sincere and heartfelt hug. This too will pass!
You are worthy, you matter, and you are important. Depression and anxiety are excellent liars, and combined with trauma and past trauma they're even more convincing. I'm so glad that you are reflective and deciding what is best for you now with meds, with your alone time, with everything.
LOVE the way used phrased that. They are EXCELLENT liars. ❤
Love this
That's right, build her up!
I was so hesitant to get on meds. I have been on them for like 6 years now and they have been a life changer for me. I hope you have a good experience and remember it's okay if they don't get the dosage or type of meds right the first time.
Try it!!! It's very rare to have such a bad reaction that you lose perspective on the fact that yr having one, with something mild like ssris.
I am going through a divorce and was alone for the first time this summer when we separated; we married young and went from our parents’ houses to our own directly. From June til Sept, I was renting from family in a different state; they were on the same property, but I spent a lot of time on my own. I used to dread being alone for even an hour before, but I finally started cultivating the ability to enjoy time with myself. So much of my identity had been my husband and his hobbies. Now, I’ve begun exploring things I enjoy on my own. It’s been amazing. I used to spiral in my anxiety and self-hatred without people around. Now, I oftentimes prefer the quiet I’ve established.
All that to say, I have so much hope for you. I’m proud of how far you’ve come. I know you have the strength to continue on.
My wife and married after being pressured by my parents. Because my mother in law falsely accused us of neglecting our daughter. They found nothing everytime but basically forced us to take parenting classes and move out of my parents house to get full custody back. She my estranged wife and my daughter's mother cheated multiple times but was super jealous and physically and emotionally abusive. My last straw was when she started sleeping around. Now I am just focused upon getting custody back before she turns 18. I haven't seen her in person since 2014. Anyway you guys are not alone. 😁
Great comment. I’m going through a breakup and am really enjoying my hobbies and time alone too!
Hey Ellie, I was raised as a fundie too, and I also struggled for YEARS before finally trying medication. And it was the biggest relief I can possibly imagine. I still had the same problems, and was still capable of the same range of emotions, but a low dose SSRI made it possible for me to heal and process what had happened to me without a constant feeling of panic and anxiety. Like everything else, psychiatric medication was completely different than what I had been made to fear. I hope this new step gives you as much relief as it gave me!! Thank you for sharing your journey, you inspire me a lot ❤❤
I recently went on psych meds too! :) My first ssri didn't work, but the second one did. I feel like I can smile and laugh again, which I haven't done in a long time.
Meds can really be such a lifesaver for people. Despite all I had heard about ADHD meds being overprescribed and harmful, taking them has changed my life. They’re not for everyone, but I think trying meds when you e had difficulty managing symptoms without them is worth doing for many people.
This this thissss! They let you feel normal!
Hear-hear!
The first SSRI we tried didn't help the problem, but it did have bad enough side effects that no one's tried to put us on any SSRIs since. Metoprolol, on the other hand, I could describe almost exactly like you described your SSRI. It's been almost 10 years since trying the escitalopram, and we only ended up with 'the med that feels like it's giving us our life back' within the past month.
I guess all this is to say, different things will work for different people, and that's ok. If you're in pain, don't give up hope that there's something that can help you-- even though the medical system can take a frustratingly long time. Believe in the me that believes in you. 💜
Just wanted to say you’re not alone. As I’ve watched your videos I’ve noticed similarities between our experiences. This video hit hard because I was in the same spot a few years ago. We don’t know each other, but I’m here if you or anyone with a similar experience wants to talk.
I was a late bloomer directly because of purity culture combined with introversion. I definitely went through some really thirsty patches that I should not have had to. I firmly believe it will get better for you, as it has become for me. Hang in there! You are valuable, and when you embrace that, others will too.
Sorry to hear about the breakup. Those are never easier, no matter whether the relationship was good, bad, or meh, or whatever stage you are in life. I don't wish that pain on anyone. Also, since you are a CZcamsr, in a parasocial way you're no longer alone. You have thousands rooting for you and dozens willing to tell you so in writing. Good luck with your next steps.
You said something that really resonated with me: you tried a career shift and had the guts to be honest with yourself when it wasn’t right for you. I really relate to that. I spent the last three years becoming a pilot (a huge privilege and many people’s dream) and a couple weeks ago had to admit that I just don’t enjoy it. So now I’m looking for the next thing. So, from one Internet stranger, I wish you the very best on your journey. I have been a fan of your channel for a long time, thank you for your honesty. It really means a lot to your viewers.
I’m 32 and have some similarities to your story as an ex-fundie, Ellie, but this is the first time I’ve felt compelled to write a comment in my 2+ years of watching you. At 30, I was in the process of getting a divorce and was in a job I couldn’t stand at a call center, and when my pain was too great to stand I finally decided to try medication (I’d been resistant for years in the face of a chronic depression as well).
Wellbutrin put the fire of motivation back in me like nothing else ever had! I was able to move forward and think ahead about what I wanted and just be okay with being alone for a while.
Things are gonna get better! Keep up the good fight! An emotionally abusive childhood took a lot from us, but now as adults we get to forge our own path ahead and show compassion to our past iterations in ways our parents never did. There’s hope as long as we’re breathing 🌈☀️
You'd take vitamins to fix a deficiency/imbalance in your body. Antidepressants are just another tool to balance chemicals. They're a game changer imo and totally lifted the dark cloud for me so I could start to thrive. No need to live life playing on hard mode. And good on you for recognizing that dental wasn't for you. Changing your mind is ok because you make the rules for your life. Your success is defined by you and what that road looks like can change anytime you want. I also think learning to be alone is really important and it's great that you've recognized that in yourself. So few people have the ability to do inner reflection and that is a big step in being able to be comfortable with yourself. Keep on going, you're doing better than you realize! We're all rooting for you! 💛
When my mental health was at its worst, I didn't want to be "medicated." I'd never taken anything more than birth control and was afraid that it would change me. Despite the fact that my diagnoses ran in my family and I had genetic reason to believe medication would work for me, I resisted. But when I did come around, it changed my entire life. I didn't notice medication was working until one day I realized I hadn't felt debilitatingly anxious in a while. Medication isn't always the solution, and I find it to be supplementary to other steps I take to support my mental health. It doesn't work for everyone, but I certainly hope it works for you! Wishing you all the best
It absolutely sucks but hang in there. My experience was 4 years of a long hard slog of depression and misery, getting used to being divorced. During those four years, I thought the depression and misery would never end. However, I hung onto friends, including a few very special friends and bit by bit, life returned to normal. I did not remarry and while four years sounds like a long time, after life had returned to normal, those four years became insignificant. They continue to be insignificant and I have no regrets (as weird as that may sound).
I can't tell you how to think about your own experiences. However, that is how it was for me.
Hang in there. Hang onto your friends. Even if it takes a few years, these bad times will pass and as they do, you will learn a lot and grow.
My experience with medication was very positive. If it helps to have an account of a success story for medication. I was incredibly depressed around 22-24, to about as extreme an extent as it's possible to be. I resisted going on medication for a really really long time during this period, fearing side effects, fearing that it would make me into an emotionless drone, fearing that I would have brain fog and all that stuff. In my experience, I felt unambiguously better relatively quickly, within 3 months. I was on antidepressants for about a year or two, and during that time I became more myself, not less myself as I had feared, and I positioned myself socially, professionally, and otherwise so that when I experimented with ending my run of antidepressants, I was able to maintain my full normal life even off the drugs. I don't think there's anything wrong with needing antidepressants or antianxiety medication for the rest of your life, I'm not saying that. I'm just saying for me, depression was a bad mode that my brain had fallen into and antidepressants helped me reset and I'm much better today because of them. I understand they're scary, I was scared of them, but they can work for people, and you're worth seeing if they can help you too.
I’m sorry it hurts so much right now. You are so smart to reach out for extra help. As the ever wise Dolly Parton said, “Find out who you are and do it on purpose.” You’ve got this! ❤️
Wishing you nothing but good things. I hope you find the joy and strength of your independence. One thing I’ve learned is that relationships are best when you’re happy on your own, then you know that person is there because you want them to be not because you need them to be. (If/when you’re ready, that is.)
Taking some time for you can be such a deal breaker. I came from a high demand (not as bad!l) religion and almost got married way too young from it. I took 2 years off from dating after and it was the best decision. Its hard and sometimes lonely, but really getting to know yourself and put yourself first is so liberating
It can take a little time to dial in to the right medication regimen, but when you do it can be a game changer. If you are already doing the other things to take care of your mental health, the right medication can be that last element to give you the control to keep yourself healthy. Good luck and good health.
I’m so sorry you’re going through all this. I don’t know if this helps, but I think it’s great that you are aware of things. Like, you’re aware that you’re depressed. That doesn’t always happen. Sometimes, depression sneaks up and you don’t realize you’re in it, which is worse because then you can’t treat it. You’re aware of what you need to do in regards to medications and learning to be alone and when a relationship is abusive and you need to get out. And you’re doing those things, as painful as they are, which is so important and amazing. Hugs!
Ugh, that’s how it always is for me. I wake up at some point and realize I’ve just been feeling crappy for two months but not quite crappy enough to realize that it wasn’t normal. 🙄 annoying brain.
yeah, that's me. i only realized last year that i have moderate depression.
Brave, brave, brave, brave, brave. You stepped out into a new world as a young adult and you keep moving forward on your journey understanding that it’s nonlinear. You are so full of courage. Everyone’s meds journey is different, for sure, but for me all it took was a little bit to allow me to function again and work through what was bothering me with a clearer head. Rooting for you as always. Happy to hear from you but you have no obligations to update when you don’t want to. I’m so sorry it’s hard right now. Thanks for sharing ❤
You're such a lovely human (I kinda think of you as my wise little sister of the interwebs).
While you see yourself as a "late bloomer", I have and continue to learn a lot from you. None of us have everything all together, and we each have our own insights based on how we have moved through life until this point. I value what you offer through your openness, willingness to be vulnerable, and striving for authenticity, and I am sure many of the other people who follow you feel the same way.
yes indeed! so well said!
You’ve got this friend. You can do it! Let your employer know that you’re changing some prescription medication usage ahead of time, that way they are able to extend a little bit of understanding rather than finding out after the fact that you were simply struggling internally, not externally.
i disagree with this advice for a new job.
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Glad to have a video from you! Sorry to hear about how terribly that relationship went and how poorly you were treated. :( You deserve so much better. I hope medication goes well for you! I'm also looking into medication for my brain (for ADHD for me) and it's very strange because I always thought of myself as "fine" and the fact that I may need it... feels like I'm not the person I thought I was and it's kind of destabilizing. But for me, it's also part of realizing that my problems are real and that they need addressing.
Also, I'm sure the car videos are not the kind of backdrops you envisioned but I think they really work--I feel like for adults, being in the car is often kind of a place to stop and reflect that matches the diary theme.
Hooray for you for setting boundaries and breaking off the relationship when the person crossed them. That takes tremendous strength and I'm proud of you. That being said, I know it sucks to deal with that. Also, good for you for seeing a psychiatrist to discuss medication. You are doing a good job of taking care of yourself. It is really hard work though. Love to you.
so proud of you. getting on meds was the absolute best thing i’ve done for myself and there are zillions of people who have had great experiences with it. good for you for trying! you may not be feeling hopeful at the moment but you are acting out of hope and that counts too. you have so much to be proud of and im excited for you. ❤ a fellow ex who started a whole new life at 32
You are such a kind person--it radiates off of you. You deserve the same kindness that you show the world.
As someone who's been mental health medicated since 2016, all I want to add is- hell yeah
I'm so happy to see you. I'm so so sorry you're hurting and having a hard time. I have, too. I'm sending all my love.
ETA: I'm always impressed and inspired by the way you're able to express your experience verbally. I hope to be able to speak out my own experiences this way someday
you are real with yourself, which allows you to be real with others. you will honestly describe your affect and your fears to a doctor with experience and expertise, and they can offer various medicinal options for you to try. The science of how psychotropic medications work is steadily advancing. Above all, we all need to be sure that mentally/emotionally we're in a space where we can make good decisions about our health, and meds in the short term can be very good at stabilizing you so you can think clearly.
I’m so sorry to hear that! My ex was manipulative and I was relieved when we broke up.
I’m an extrovert too, but I love to be alone and have me time. People energize me, but you have to reset too.
Much love to you and best wishes on the treatment!
It took me the middle of my 20s to learn I needed to be alone, and I was unable to do that until I was in my 30s and now I love it
As someone who's in the same boat right now, in a lot of ways, I am pulling for you and it was oddly comforting to hear from someone else going through the same sorts of things. I'm trying and struggling to learn to be *by and for myself* for the first time and it takes time but it's worth it.
I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. You will get through this. You are such a genuine, kind hearted person and i hope you give yourself the same grace and kindness you always put out into the world. You deserve to be treated well.
You’re doing so well and making lots of progress even if you don’t realise it. Becoming healed from deep trauma is amazing but the healing process can be so hard and sometimes very painful. I hope going on medication gives you a little boost and that things start looking up and getting a bit easier for you soon. Sending love and hugs
I’ve been in the same boat as you since the beginning of the year, going through similar things, struggling with really bad depression & anxiety, and having a *massively* broken heart.
It SUCKS, to say the least. I’m trying to maintain hope; I got myself connected with a really cool mental health center recently, I’ve begun the work necessary for healing and mending my relationship with myself, but it’s been difficult.
I hit such a painfully low point, that all I feel is desperation to be well, impatient with the whole process, and frustration at myself for having not started this sooner.
I know you made this video 5 months ago, but I *sincerely,* with all my heart, hope you are doing worlds better!!
This internet stranger is so proud of you. Much of what you are saying hits close to home; it is very much how I felt in the bleak months before I finally decided to try an antidepressant. It’s not for everyone, and it can take time to find a med and dosage that works. But I was amazed at what a difference it made in my life, and I’m hopeful that you will have a good experience yourself. ❤️
For what it's worth, I'm sorry you're in this slump... learning abut yourself while unlearning toxic behaviors can be taxing.
You are doing amazingly well! You're figuring this all out as you go, so you're bound to fall back on what you've always known here and there. That's okay. It really is. Props to you for leaving. Remember that the smartest, most careful people in the world get lured in by abusers. It's not a sign of any shortcoming in you.
I'm so glad you're giving medication a try. That's such a huge, brave step. Brighter days ARE ahead.
Best wishes, Ellie! Your videos have been so helpful for me going through my own deconstruction. It's really really hard to step outside of a cycle of abuse, but so worth it. You can do this!
Was just thinking about you and wondering how you're doing. I'm sorry you're having a hard time, I hope things get better soon. I so admire you continuing to challenge and work on yourself.
Your feelings are valid and yeah with my depression I threw everything but the kitchen sink at it. Including switching medications, vitamins, sunlight, journaling, therapy, switching jobs, yoga, exercise etc. there are still days when I feel down. But honestly giving it time and learning to live with it instead of
Cure it has helped the most . Which is so contrary to what the Bible says. But honestly if I had a dollar for every time I have surrendered it to god I could afford the medical bills. That idea is just wishful thinking who refuse to live in an imperfect world. Also yeah help yourself first. Be your helpmate first. My first relationship out of my divorce was a train wreck . But it taught me (and this is so cliche but true) I can do bad all by myself
Ps: I feel like this a sign from the universe to have this video pop in my feed. I’m only a week out from an emotionally abusive relationship & I find this video so encouraging to not go back or feel alone. Because there’s others like me going through same thing right now. Thank you so much for sharing! Hugs to you we deserve better❤❤
So in contrast to yourself, I'm an introvert-I enjoy spending time with others but I can only do so much. I went through a similar process this year. Being alone has been my norm, but it has always been miserable. I had to learn to enjoy being alone (in every sense of the word) this year, and I want to share something with you that helped me shift my perspective: I read this phrase "I'm not alone, I'm by myself". It removes the loneliness from solitude. Being alone doesn't have to mean feeling lonely. Another is "I'm not lonely, I've got me". Personally I think of myself as a collective and this helped sharpen that for me and unlocked a lot of getting to know myself. It might not be the same for you, but I hope those phrases help you in some way ❤
Hey Ellie! Your story right now sounds SO MUCH like where I was at the start of my young adulthood: just graduated college, feeling like I was thrown off the "life escalator" and not sure what my life was going to be from now on and how to go about getting started on it, spending serious time alone on my own for the first time ever, realizing I was dealing with anxiety and depression and starting medication for it. For me, though, that was 20 years ago and we had SO much fewer resources and general cultural understanding of socioemotional health than we do now. Even with that, though, all I can say is that it DOES get better; my life since has taken such wondrous unexpected turns and adventures since then I never would have predicted or planned for. You're so lucky to be beginning such a journey a little later in life, with already way more wisdom under your belt than I had then.
I know the holidays can be hard, thank you for checking in with us! Hope your Thanksgiving was full of friends and love!
You're going through so many changes in your life right now, it's only natural to be scared and sad. I understand and have been through so many of the feelings that you're describing, and I want you to know that things will settle down and start to feel normal again. Your life will look different than what you imagined it would, but sometimes that means it's even better. I know that you'll find your way through the storm. We don't know you, but we all support you, and you deserve all of the positive things in your life. We all believe in you 😊
this video recently got recommended to me and i'm glad it did. i went through a similar experience this year with a divorce from an early marriage and being alone for the first time really ever. it's been tough but there is hope on the other side. it has shown me how important it is to have friendships and hobbies and things that exist for your own betterment. i loved how you said that "the person who is always going to be with me is me". i am wishing you well in your journey and cheering you on
Ellie, I feel you! Starting medication was a huge mind battle for me.
You are brave, this is a hard step - but it can be so worth it.
The brain is a chemical maze, and what you and I have been through makes those chemicals go out of whack. This is what we do to get back to ourselves!
I'm very proud of you for taking this step.
My med management team has been so wonderful in hearing me, my thoughts and concerns, and adjusting meds when needed.
I'm sending alllll the positive energy your way, I hope you receive the same thoughtfulness!
You have grown a lot since I first followed you. Medication has been very helpful to me and I’ve had few side effects. I’m glad you’re following up to see if it’s something that might help you.
I go to dinner alone all the time. I didn't even know til a few years ago that this was something people were scared to do. I promise you, NO ONE thinks it's weird when they see it IRL.
Fwiw yr videos are the most comforting thing to me on youtube.
You don't have to commit to meds, you can just try it :) I've been on probably 20 psych meds and have only had a few side effects, and those were antipsychotics (I was taking them for anxiety though).
depression after a breakup is very very very normal with a trauma history, you're probably at one of the lowest points on the recovery timeline from a breakup. don't extrapolate that you will feel like this for a long time, you may not.
It sounds like you're lonely hun
Ellie, if anything I just want to say how proud of you I am. Been following you a couple years now and you have blossomed so much. Just because a few weeds grew in and you also need a little TLC doesn’t make you any less of a beautiful flower. Hang in there lovely, you’ve got this.
I have definitely said everything that you are saying about depression-I was doing all of the things that were recommended to help…exercising, nutrition, meditation, sleep, etc. But everything still felt insurmountable-doing laundry felt like Everest! I was so resistant to medication but when I got on it, I felt better so quickly. My only regret is that I didn’t get on it sooner. I really encourage you to get on it-it’s like a light switch turns on and you see all of the things that you couldn’t see previously.
My upbringing was very similar to yours and I have watched many of your videos and thought, omg me too! I will be forty next year and I am still unpacking things that I’ve only come to realize within the past six months. It’s a process. But your videos have helped me with the process. All this to say-you’re not alone. ❤
I have been through so much of this. I wish I could sit next to you and talk it out. I hope you have someone to talk to.
Fundamentalism really fosters codependent tendencies and normalizes abuse. I'm still realizing things, even after deconverting over ten years ago. But every realization leads to me building healthier relationships and feeling more confident and secure. I want that for you.
Thank you for sharing your update with us. I'm always happy to see you. Your channel is near & dear to my heart ❤
My friend started on a low dose so they could easily cycle off them if they didn’t help. You’re a professional, you’re brave & insightful. Thank you for sharing both the ups and downs of your life with us. ❤
I am so sorry you are having a rough time.
I was hesitant to get on meds too, but once my dog did I knew it was time to give it another shot. I am on Lexapro. Prozac was not nice to me. And i feel soooo much better.
I hope the same happens to you too.
You got this!
You are completely valid in those painful feelings, I also just got out of an abrupt and harsh breakup - after so long of being with a certain person good or bad, you start to soak in their presence and it feels impossible to untangle yourself from that chemistry with loose ends undone. I truly hope you have a life filled with happiness and moments you can reclaim as your own 🙏
I know you posted this months ago, but I got out of a two year relationship just a few weeks ago and it REALLY resonated with me! Here's to learning to love our own company 🥂
Good for you for prioritizing yourself. You deserve it after 32 years of giving and giving.
Dear Ellie. I have been on medication off and on, and then on continuously. It has literally saved my life. I have been on all kinds of medication, including very effective but very side-effects heavy ones - the ones that make you happy and very very fat in a very short period. The ones I’m on now are fine. I’m not gaining weight, I am not falling asleep, my libido has long gone but well, you can’t have everything. I am, like you, living on my own. Unlike you, I don’t think it will change. And that’s fine: I am worried about practical things, but I am no longer lonely. I was thinking just this evening of how absolutely utterly awful was my first break up, of the months I spent in my flat alone playing solitaire, listening to Bob Dylan and bawling my eyes out. I couldn’t listen to a couple of albums for years. But I can now. Incredible as it seems, that pain is as remote as ancient history now.
Things will get better. Trust me on this. I say this not as somebody who had a happy ending: I do not have the life I wanted or hoped for. But I am happy. I have a cat that I care for and love and loves me unconditionally. I have art, and music, and a few good friends, books I love, shows I love. You know that feminist song, Bread and Roses? One stanza speak of the countless millions of women who lived and died in unremitting toil, and says: “Small Art and Love and Beauty their drudging spirit knew/Hearts can starve as well as bodies: Give us bread, but give us roses!”. There will be roses, Ellie. Not unicorns and rainbows, but roses I can promise.
It sounds like you are still very self-aware and able to give yourself a little grace even though you're in the thick of it right now. That is a good thing. There is some truth to "fake it, 'till ya make it". I was also quite hesitant about meds, but they did really give me the extra push to climb out of a dark place. Know you are in good company and you will make it through. Best wishes and hugs to you!
Lots of hugs from a random person out here who gets it. When you start meds, sometimes there are temporary side effects and it can be a challenge, but when they work it can really help. Please communicate with your prescribing Dr if they are intolerable because there are so many options out there. It's scary to ask for help, so proud of you for doing it ❤❤❤ Breakup + new job is soooo much stress, even without the awful end, that just made it harder. It is completely normal to have anxiety and depression in that situation. When I'm at my worst, sometimes I can't even take it one day at a time. Just get through the next hour... Or even just the next five minutes if that's all you can handle.
I'm sorry you're going through a hard time. It took a long time for me to realize my family was emotionally abusive. I didn't realize I didn't really like myself, because I never had and didn't know what it would feel like. I've actually started to like myself lately, but it's been a difficult road. It looks like you're doing a really good job making those steps, I've been seeing it as I've been following your channel. Your look into things like Awana (which I also was a part of) helped me with my healing. I hope you learn to see what tens of thousands of people already do: You're pretty damn cool, and there's a lot about you to like. I don't think some words from a stranger will be some sort of fix, but I mean them sincerely and my thoughts will be with you. I hope that helps in some small way.
I hope things get better for you. This can be a hard time of year for everyone. You're not alone.
You’re not alone. There are many people in the world who have been through similar difficult times. We see you. It is incredibly difficult. It sounds like you have a good perspective on what you need to do. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, even if you can’t see it right now.
I believe in you.
I'm generally someone who doesnt take even a pain pill, but I'm trying to teach myself that suffering isnt a virtue. With depression meds, I'm better able to handle my big emotions and stressors. My brain doesn't make the proper balance of chemicals and when I'm depressed, its like being in a dark hole and not able to see the outside or the light. On the meds, i can see the light and have the motivation to get myself out and i can often see that the hole wasnt that deep to begin with. Side effects can suck, but there's a good med out there for everyone. Keep trying to you find the right one for you!
I really feel your sadness coming through...im really sorry and i hope things get better for you.
Sometimes it takes a low point to make you realize you need more help. After a series of overwhelming panic attacks last summer i tried one medication and got worse, then i switched to prozac and it wiped out the worst of my anxiety/ depression. So things can get better, as ive recently learned.
We love you Ellie!
I too spent over a decade sacrificing myself and my needs to be a wife and mother under the belief that it was the way it was supposed to be. However, for me, finally having time to myself (the first weekend after the divorce was final and it was my ex's turn with our kid) felt like coming home. I cried a ton, not because I was lonely but because I had missed myself So. Much. I was just spinning too fast in the overwhelm of my day to day to be able to feel it.
I strongly encourage you continuing to have dates with yourself, time is a resource that you deserve to invest in yourself.
so well said; thank you!
I just checked on your channel yesterday because I hadn't seen you post. I'm sorry for all the struggles right now. I had to leave my partner of 5 years and just get back out into the world and everything makes me feel so confused. Point being, you have some comradery in this stranger and hope it makes you feel a little less alone.
I come from a similar background, and also resisted medication for *years*. It was such a good decision when I gave it a try. Suddenly all the other self-care, self-love things I was doing were able to reach me, to have an effect. Bring alone can be frightening, but it can also be freeing. If you have the time/mental and emotional energy,maybe you should look into joining a sports team/book club/hiking group (whatever floats your boat) in order to seek non-romantic connections. Maybe you're already doing that. At any rate, from one former fundie to another, I'm so proud of you for growing and changing and learning to be kind to yourself. ❤️
I remember back in my 20s when I was very unwell I was hesitant about taking drugs to help with my mental health. I was worried it would change me which was ironic given change was needed. I have now been on meds for most of my adult life as a management tool to keep things on the level. That all being said you must be comfortable making the step but in my experience it has made a huge difference.
Just take change slowly and give yourself time Don't take on an overwhelming amount at once. Rest too. Love to you.
Dating absolutely teaches us all the traits we can’t live with & all the ones we can’t live without 💞💫
You're on a new job and find it a learning experience. You have been on your first date with yourself. Something that i hope you will come to appreciate. It just takes time. You are taking your mind seriously, and there's so much more in store for you. You've got this.
So sorry you’ve been dealt such a rough hand. I’m sure it’s hard to see right now, but the strength you’ve shown so far will help you get through this.
I know the meds are scary. I stayed away from them for a long time. And it can be hard work to find the right medication at the right dose. But in my experience, it is very much worth the effort.
Sending my best wishes for you
I don’t know what to say other than you are worthy of love. You are worthy of kindness. You are worthy of compassion. You are worthy of being loved.
Hope is not futile. Life is so hard, and some people make it even moreso...but we carry on. I am just now starting to feel comfortable being single. I was always super codependent, and it led to a lot of heartbreak and stress. I am glad you are taking yourself out and learning about yourself as you go! It's all part of your unique journey. I commend you for consulting a professional for help. That is a big step! Just know that you have people who care and support you. Hang in there. Hugs from Ohio 💕
Ellie, thank you for your vulnerability and for sharing your journey. Though finding a medication regimen that works for your body and mind can be its own journey, a good psychiatrist should be able to listen to your concerns and feedback and help guide you through that journey. You’ve got this. You’re incredibly intelligent and wise and you’re already come so far. Please try to be gentle with your own heart as you learn to prioritize yourself and take each step towards creating the quality of life you deserve. You are undeniably worth every investment you are making.
VERY WELL SAID 💜
What does the future hold? For you it's: You!
I read something like that once in a period of time when I was struggling a lot to shift from focussing on others and prioritizing them over my own health and wellbeing. It really helped me to put things into better perspective. You said something along the lines of: "The only person that is always with me, is me!"
Definitelly worth investing in!
I am on meds and I am so happy to not white knuckle it through life. I'm a better mother, partner, and friend to myself
I was just thinking about you!
I'm sorry about the struggles you've been having.
Being alone is difficult, but well worth the commitment.
Much love to you ❤
Love you. Medication is definitely a blessing. I found that I can’t make it despite all of my self care. Antidepressants changed my life for the better.
Please tell me why turning our backs on God and then instead turning to medication is better (or a blessing)?
Proverbs 17:22 KJV - A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones.
I'm in a really similar spot as you. I have religious trauma & childhood trauma as well. Self esteem/ hatred issues. I've been dating for the first time in my life this last year! I learned a lot but have sworn off it recently (like the last month or so). I just have this feeling that this is what is right right now. I kind of have this number in my head like "at least a year please". I just went to feel okay alone. Fulfilled, really. I want to feel happy and secure in myself... at least more so than I am now. I want to have the feeling like "it's more than okay if I'm single for the rest of my life. Look at how rich my life is!" I'm really trying to prioritize friendships and human connection (over wishing for/seeking a romantic dynamic... putting all my energy there). I've noticed I rely on romantic relationships to "save" me so to speak. And then when the excitement dies down, the truth of my life seaps in again and im with this person I don't think I was truly every compatible with. So you're not alone. Definitely not.
I have been on psych meds for years and I have never had issues. They should not impair your work. It takes guts to admit you need the help so yay for you
Sometimes we must journey to the darkness alone, and when the sun comes out and our friends come to visit it is that much more special.
Baby steps into medication and it doesn't have to last forever.
I’ve been single forever. I’ve kinda given up on finding someone, so I’m forcing myself to do stuff alone (when I can gather the spoons, which it takes autistic people twice as long to do).
Im autistic and an introvert, so I much prefer being with someone I know when I leave the house and I hate going out alone.
Meds should make your job even easier. They’re the only reason I can hold one at all.
I am a month into being medicated. Be patient with yourself as your body adjusts to them. They have been so helpful in my healing process.
I have been depressed myself. We all have our cross to bear
With side effects, don’t freak out, whatever it is may go away as you’re on the med longer. My husband had headaches when he first started an SSRI, he started taking his med at bedtime, problem solved. I would feel really weird and spacey when I first took my ADHD med, that went away too, after a couple weeks. It also didn’t last long when it was happening. Maybe lasting 15 or 20 minutes at a time… then it would stop.
I so appreciate you! Sharing your journey is helping many of us feel seen! Thanks for your courage!
Chin up, shoulders back, both middle fingers up for the haters- you got this-
I was hesitant to get on meds too this time last year. My tipping point was getting so anxious that I felt nauseous for 3 days straight. I'd just cry when I was alone in the car and nighttime became my worst nightmare. I couldn't sleep because I was so anxious. Being on them made me a totally different person (in a good way). It was like having a heavy boulder on my mind suddenly be lifted. I had no idea I was carrying that much around all the time
I'm happy for you and I hope the meds help you in the same way they helped me
Unsolicited advice: it can take some time to find the right meds though just as a heads up. So stick with it and bring any concerns to your doctor
Betrayal is truly awful to deal with when you have experienced childhood trauma. This is when it is so important to be kind to yourself. Great you are working in the vet field.
I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through it.
FWIW, I resisted medication for a long time as well, for similar reasons, I think. But once I finally did, I was shocked by how easy it was. I’ve had basically no side effects, either in terms of physical side effects or in terms of the worries I had about whether it would change how I though or felt in some intrusive way. Instead, all it’s done is make me feel more emotionally stable, in a very “transparent way” - I don’t feel drugged, I just feel normal.
I don’t mention this to flex; just that I think we hear a lot more of the bad stories than the good. But it is also possible that it’ll be no big deal at all. :)
I also just remind myself that something like an SSRI isn’t like an opiate. It’s not a substance designed to push your brain chemistry out of whack and make you feel abnormal. It’s more like insulin - it’s there to supplement something your body isn’t making enough of on its own, so you CAN feel normal and your body can achieve the stable basis you deserve.
cPTSD sucks. One of the ways it sucks the most is that it robs your body of the ability to maintain that stable baseline on its own. Your body gets used to being in survival mode, and paradoxically when you actually start to process and heal, your body realizes it’s not necessary to be in survival mode all the time… but it might not know how to achieve a baseline outside of that mode. I mean, I’m not a psychiatrist, but that’s how it’s felt to me. When I was all locked down, I didn’t feel the fear and sadness all that much. But when I felt safe enough to unlock, and I thought that meant I would be happy, instead, all that fear and sadness was still there. My body didn’t know how to be just… calm and happy. It just knew either how to feel suppressed fear and sadness, or not-suppressed fear and sadness.
(Okay, that’s a bit of an exaggeration - I did feel happy sometimes, and I did even when going through the actual trauma. But it’s not the *baseline*. My highs and lows averaged out to a negative number.)
It’s okay to let medication help you find that non-survival mode stable baseline, is my point.
Your videos have been really meaningful for me, and I am wishing all the best for you!
Wrapping you up in a hug of good vibes, lovely soul.
I’m on antidepressants for my anxiety. The first one I tried gave me side effects but I switched and the one I’m on now works well and has completely changed my life for the better. I did have side effects for the first couple weeks but those went away and it’s been so worth it. I’m in therapy as well and working on my mental health in other ways. For me, medication got my mental health to a place where I’m not fighting with all my energy so I can work on therapy and coping skills etc. My life is so much better than before I started medication. Obviously it’s different for everyone, but that’s my experience. I hope you find something that helps you ❤
I took antidepressant for a few months after a death ( i didn't at first and would cry a lot). The antidepressant helped a lot. I didn't have side effects. They aren't happy pills, but they helped me see things clearly, not a fog. I recommend you spend some time alone, i mean not in a relationship . Learn to love and trust yourself.
I'm sorry you have had to go through all this. But I'm glad your still here. That you are safe, healthy, and improving yourself by pushing yourself out of your comfort zone. Also improving your self worth by walking away from a bad relationship!! You've grown so much, and you should be so proud of yourself!
I hope the meds go well. I can't imagine how difficult it is to be alone now after that background, but I'm glad you took
Sorry to hear you're having a tough time Ellie. Best wishes that things feel more manageable soon.
Hey! I'm an extrovert too 😅 congrats on your new job! I love your videos i feel so cosy listening to your calming voice.
I love taking myself out for dinner, one of my favourite activities. If you feel awkward what I like to do is pretend im on a business trip (i dont have the accent of where i live so that helps). Sometimes i even ask for the receipt and say "i need to claim this back" 😅😅