Is Past Trauma Affecting Your Relationships? (Watch This)
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- čas přidán 8. 09. 2024
- Today, we hear from a man wondering how to tell his daughter he’s not her biological dad. Then, we get a special follow-up call from a mom who finally told her son the real story of how his father died. And finally, we talk with a wife hoping to bring back the fun, flexible woman she once was.
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I wish I could’ve heard what he told the woman about her crying about a decade ago. I actually once did a Bible study on what the Bible says about tears, because my husband thought, I cried too much, too easily, and about the wrong things. I now recognize that my body was working just fine. I don’t cry as much anymore, part of which I’ve credit to being more emotionally mature. Part of it is also that I’m no longer dealing with a crazy relationship - my husband decided to divorce me. The other part is that I no longer accept blame for what is not my fault. That last one is huge!
It’s difficult to control emotions. Especially, being female because we are built on emotions.
Growing up, my two brothers would stop me when I got overly emotional by talking to me. They helped me a lot to learn how to control my emotions. It’s also helps when you do not hang with negative people.
I’m glad you’re doing better .
People are DIFFERENT. What don't bother one person, might devistate another.
The Bible speaks of a tear jar and all our tears are collected in it.
As a daughter who has no father I appreciate the stability that you shared with him. It’s true children don’t just see that parents aren’t all in but they internalize it and feel it. Thank you for speaking on these things.
33:30 just jabbed me right in the heart. What an incredible mother. And for him to say he wants to talk to somebody is just magical.
Call 1 : what led the wife to having an affair? Has she done any work on taking ownership ? Has she shared about it with her husband? That's what I would need to hear as to considering remarying her full in
2nd caller is amazing, accepts the road she’s on, admits her own flaws, but is ACTIVELY working to improve herself, her son’s life, her marriage.
In regards to the first call . I found out that my last name wasnt my legal name (essentially that my father was my step father ) when I got my national insurance number (uk equivalent of a ss number ) at 14 john is right . Your name is core to your identity the effect it had on me created a life long amount of work I needed to do to find myself .
Please always let your kids know who they are biologically and ancestorally. Save that child the pain
Big shout-out to all the listeners who are perfect and have only ever made perfect decisions in their lives. Awesome! 💪💪💪
That's not me...
I've been guilty of many things, perfection isn't one of them
100%
Ikr!
There’s a lot of perfect folks out there just throwing stones at everyone else! 😂
I love your comment 😂❤
@@JennieC21it’s so triggering- my “mother” knew everything too 😂
Jeez… I’m not sure I’d be all amped up to trust ex-wifey either.
Dr. Delony, you are such a good listener. You are very patient. Apparently, the callers are very nervous and ramble instead of getting to the point. I'm learning how to be a better listener from listening to you. Thank you Dr. John!
Yes!
1st call. My ex husbands first wife did the same to him, except he adopted the child, then they had another child. She up and disappeared leaving him with 3 children, 7,3 1/2, and 2. Then she met and married a military man, got pregnant by him, and demanded her children back, got custody, and he had to pay her child support for all 3 of the kids.
Ouch. Huge ouch.
See marrying after 7 years of noing someone person can still cheat. My husband purposed to me in 4 months. We got married in a 1 1/2. Married over 8 years and I have never cheated nor he on me. We love eachother more then most people. So yeah! I proved a point. Waiting does nothing. It's the person you marry.
To be fair 8 years doesn't guarantee anything either. My husband and I were the carbon copy of what you said and he cheated after 10 years. You just never know. It all comes down to character and integrity. The key is we can always control only ourselves and hope our partner chooses integrity.
That's so wonderful that you feel so blessed and content in your young marriage! Congratulations❤ I do so hope that you both continue to do the work even when those feelings fade or change. While 7 years is quite the feat in this society it is still only the very beginnings' of a life. I truly wish you the very best ❤
Caller 1: Don't adopt the child before you decide on the relationship with your lady.
Hannah!!!! Hannah, you are amazing!!!!! Truly amazing Mama. I pray that you’re continuing to heal & life has been kinder to you & your beautiful boy. What a heart wrenching story, & I couldn’t imagine a more healing & supportive way of handling any of it. God Bless you - Mama. 🙏🤍🙏
Damn, I feel so sorry for the first man. He has to have a heart of gold to even consider raising another man's child especially when she was the product of cheating. There are so many trash fathers who dump even their biological children. It's awful what his ex-wife did to him and it's sad what divorce can do to good men. I feel like it may be too soon to go "all in" - he still hasn't healed from the pain of what happened which needs to be addressed in couples therapy first. Honestly I don't even think I'd recommend him marrying this woman again - what's to stop her from cheating again? Also, that poor little girl. She asked for none of this. She's lucky if this guy steps up for her but if he left her mom nobody would blame him. The little girl is at these adults' mercy no matter what and will probably need therapy around this messy situation when she grows up.
Caller 1 : I feel for him, the emotional struggle feeling like remarriage = signing up for another nightmare. 13:00 things are getting back to normal...sounds like the ex-wife had her affair when things were getting normal..does she need her sense of adventure to be nourrished?
Caller two leaned on her husband and he carried her and carried her and carried her thru all her pain and trauma. Yet when he had trouble and pain she just dipped out and said fix it or I’m done. Dr D should have called her out on that more because when he mentioned it she backpedaled immediately.
Women are never held accountable.
Glad someone else heard it.
@@David-wo9un But it worked. So she did well! She tried to carry her first husband and he committed suicide. She would have been a fool to repeat the process.
Also, women are for supporting men not carrying them. Otherwise they'll die under the men's weight. She knew what were her responsibilities and what wasn't.
Women are not like men. A woman can heal by being carried by a man, although too much carrying can enable her in her bad behaviour but a man will be weakened if a woman attempts to do the same thing to him.
A man needs acknowledgement, support and a red line.
I support you in your search for help, if you don't need help, then both of us don't have to die here.
Not I am not going to try to carry your weight and argue with you on whether you will fix it or try to fix it for you until I get exhausted and drown with you.
And she did. she asked if he wanted to talk or needed help, he declined and said he was ok and decided to resort to drinking instead.
Men only change if there's something to lose. I'm sure if she had done the same thing with her first husband that she did with her second, he would have gone to therapy.
This has nothing to do with accountability.
The little boy needs stability too. All people do
The first and second caller are incredible parents! ❤️ May God help them heal❤️
For the first caller, it's sad his wife didn't know how to appreciate the good man he is and lost him to a man like the absent father of her daughter.
And in my opinion, I don't really think remarriage should be encouraged. He can adopt her like a relative would adopt her. The father of her half brother. That's good enough.
Also, did the woman show regret? Or was it just forgotten as they started living together?
It seems easy to conclude that they are together because the daughter's father left, not because her ex husband was recreated differently. The man loves her but does the woman do?
He showed up like amazing grace to take care of her and her daughter, how could she say no, don't marry me or I don't love you? Being a single mother is no joke
If she had pursued him after the divorce to acknowledge her mistake maybe that could be seen as her genuinely wanting him and not settling for him because she has no choice.
But whatever he decides to do , I hope it works out for him!❤️
Wow, I love your advice Dr John!! You are so awesome and I love this channel
My daughter's father committed suicide when she was 15 months old. She is now 11 and all she knows is he was sick and died. I have no idea how to tell her or when the right time to tell her is.
So very sorry. That must have been so hard for you. Wishing you and your daughter long healthy lives and all the peace and joy you deserve.
Maybe when she is an adult and has gone through the teen years.
I’m very sorry… maybe it will not weigh quite as much on you if you allow yourself not to know exactly what to do and give yourself a certain period of time where you take that burden off of yourself. You WILL be able to do it one day and you don’t have to do it now. Give yourself some grace and have a therapist help you when the time comes to tell her.
People in my family have also died by suicide. Something that helps put some things into perspective for me is changing the verbiage … saying “died BY … “ helps me see that the mental health issues are what caused this. “Committed…” , to me, puts blame on the person who was suffering tremendously. I hope this helps … take it or leave it … I just hate seeing the pain that is left behind… 🙏🏼
You're correct, God rest his soul but he was sick. Whatever goes through someone's mind prior to taking their life is illness and you're correct for calling it that. I had someone close to me do the samething, it's not easy. God bless you and your daughter.
You've explained it well for her age. I would disclose the rest of the story when she has a good handling on what the concept of suicede was. Which would include alot of factors but 11 would be too young.
That must have been a nightmare for you. I hope life is good now.
ALL the Mom points for Hannah!!!
I’m here for this!
I would re marry her but I would tell her if you cheat , I’ll divorce you again.
Has caller actually spoken to bio dad? Or just one side of the story that he didn't want child?
9:00 this sounds like some total bullshit. I would contact the clerk of court myself. Congresswoman/man. Whoever I needed too.
Basically screw your happiness and take care of your cheating ex wife’s love child.
He obviously wants too
But it's not even that. It is: be a great husband for your cheating ex wife if you care about that innocent little girl. It is so messed up and there is no solution without having a sacrifice (either the stepfather or the little girl). The cheating mom is in the best position. It feels so unfair.
Dudes pathetic
Turnstile is so good I saw them open at a random Blink-182 concert I went to. Didn’t even care for Blink 182 honestly but was pumped for turnstile
Marital counseling FIRST with non-BioDad
So I've astranged from my family, I was adopted and that while family was abusing eachither so ofc I left so I just don't feel the relevance of knowing where I'm from my birth mother was homeless and on drugs while I was considered and born, docs checked me I was totally fine. I guess "I got no roots cuz my home is never on the ground"
Why can't he just sign the birth certificate she stop saying that the bio dad is someone other than him inform the state she has found her baby daddy
I disagree with you saying she's not his daughter. That girl is his daughter.
I'd agree wholeheartedly with respect to the relationship. He's all she's ever known. But I think what Delony was trying for was the reminder that, legally, he is not her father, if something were to happen, he would have no legal standing for her. That's what Delony was urging the guy to recognize and prepare to fix it.
John you have my #!!! Dang. That hit me!!
I wonder what caused him to kill himself. I hope someone does more investigating in this situation.
Sounds like guilt in that he was philandering around. Lust is a pit
My Dad revealed to me that year that he's not my biological father 2022.
Let him claim paternity
NOOOOOOO don't get married to this Piece..
ummm why didn't this call go into the question of "why do women and children take on men's name when statistically and historically women bear much more of the brunt of children and also physically gestate them?" instead of "Can I, mom's boyfriend, slap my name on an unrelated child?"
all the young guys out there, listen to the first caller again. Then listen to it again. That’s a beta don’t be this guy. Treat women with respect and kindness and demand the same in return infidelity should not be forgiven. You will never be able to trust the other person again.
Everyone is different. Me personally, if I were married and the wife became an ex, I could never take her back if she bore/conceived another man's child. Pregnancy is a big deal. That's a big no from me.
No. If you demanded the same treatment women give to men in case of infidelity then taking her back wouldn't be off the table.
Women take men back after infidelity, more than men take women back.
Although I still don't think he should take her back. But your argument is just bad
@@dearbrave4183 My argument applies equally to men and women. If a man cheats on a woman she should kick him to the curb ASAP and never trust him again. My post is written in the context of the video But it applies to both genders equally,I hope that clears it up.
@@dearbrave4183 That's true.
It works both ways. This type of mindset makes you generally “hate” other women and I can hear it.
Whenever a woman calls and blames issues on a male in her life, he immediately attacks/blames the male which validates her feelings and removes all accountability from her. I hate the over used term of gaslighting; what did the stepdad really do? She sounds extremely annoying.
If you have watched the majority of Johns videos.. this statement is completely untrue.
Huh? Did you miss the call? She isn't calling about her stepdad, she's calling about her current marriage. He refocused her attention back onto the reason for her call not her trauma from her stepdad or mother, remember she was a child then. Regardless her issue is her marriage not her childhood, which is why John refocused her attention on her current situation. Gaslighting is simply a manipulative behavior that is used frequently in interpersonal relationships, basically everyone uses it at least occasionally. Fortunately most of us come to realize it and stop, but when they do not it can cause significant emotional damage especially in children. Why does the term bother you?
No he doesnt😂
1 caller is a big simp
I really like your show yet I strongly disagree with your views when you suggest that couples should get married to be complete. Also, a child's parents are those who nurture, raise and are involved with the child for the child's best interest, such as guardians, grandparents, etc. The 1st caller is doing everything right. He's being a dad by choice and he divorced a woman who obviously doesn't want to be with him. His daughter should be told that he's not her biological father whenever it comes up. She'll be fine whomever he chooses to get involved with in the future.
He married her once and she cheated, I wouldn't do it again
I was raised by a step dad who stood up when my bio dad walked out. I have utmost respect for him. He married my mom who had FIVE kids and raised us as his own
20 minutes in and you are trying to blame the guy for being cheated on, why are your takes so weird man😂
Caller #3
If your husband says you aren't fun anymore, he's probably more right than Dr. John. Put your husband first above your children if you want to keep them all.
There obviously is a disconnect. She must not know how to separate time with her husband and time with her kids.
I think to a POINT ,put your spouse first. But, not at the detriment of your kids. Grown adults should be able to focus on each other and the kids.
Jhon missed his ADHD meds today
First dude is pathetic lol 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂