60 Characteristics of Complex Trauma - Part 23/33 - Afraid To Be A Burden
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- čas přidán 6. 08. 2024
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People from Complex Trauma were often made to feel they were a burden as children. This can keep them from asking for necessary help in adult life, which can result in thinking they have to be self-sufficient, but that is impossible. So, they set themselves up for failure. What can they do to change?
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Anyone else laughing bitterly when he reads off the long “maybe this happened in your childhood. Or maybe THIS!” ..... and each and every one on the list applies to you 😓😓😓
🙋♀️
Here. 💯💥
It’s like: “ STOP READING THAT LIST!”
Yup. 💯
i dont think its funny no
I was so neglected by my narcissistic parents and became necessarily so self-sufficient from such a young age that it truly amazes me that I even survived! Hugs to all my fellow survivors 🤗
Same.
And it turns out, hyper-independence is a red flag and causes problems in relationships. :(
@@TruthOnly24 that’s true. Thanks for pointing that out. Helps me to be thankful.
Hugs! 💕
I can relate.. my childhood was similar.. mum passed away giving birth.. dad left me with his mother and widowed sister and went away remarried.. my aunt abused me verbally physically emotionally everyday a peaceful day was happiness.. I used to wake up fearing what's it gonna be today... My family was heavily religious.. church every Sunday without fail Bible study etc., But no kindness inside home... I was a maid mostly.. my education was stopped on and off... Before the night of my public exam there was major fight episode at home I cried all night hardly slept and by god's grace passed my exam.. my grandmother passed away at my 19yrsvand i was sent out of home... I became an orphan overnight..😢.. I was homeless slept in chairs in railway station and bus stations found a job stayed in hostel built myself from nothing.. ended up marrying a narcissist..😂 the cycle continued and I broke it.. homeless with a kid... Again I built myself up for my kid's sake and am a lawyer now.. working on securing financial stability for my kid.. educating her on this toxic relationships hope she has a good life.. as lon as am alive am gonna make sure she becomes a decent human being.
@@TruthOnly24hi, i was one. Made it out but battling demons.
I remember my mother asking me every time I cried or needed anything, "what do you want from me?" She was so annoyed or angry with me anytime I needed her, that I stopped bothering her. Then she got mad at me when I grew up and moved away and didnt keep in touch with her as often as she wanted. I couldnt win with her.
Same for me 😢
My wife and I have just started researching this. At first her therapist thought it was BPD or covert Narc tendencies but they don't really line up. Her family history looks and smells exactly like complex trains and I'm so happy I found this channel. Everyone else has told me to run. I do not and will not run. If we can figure out what's happening together, it will be for no lack of trying. I love her and don't want to abandon her like every single person in her life, including her family. I'm hoping we can learn to work through this together. It's hard when someone believes things that never happened. Has to watch a video of what was said before accepting reality. It's hard never knowing from one day to the next what to expect. She's an amazing person. When things are good, they are so good. Just need to get past the "triggers" that set her back in a mindset she's still with her abusive family or abusive ex.Thanks for the great content!!!
What kind of things would she think did ir didn't happen? Like would it be everyday things (I just cleaned that or was just holding my keys but they are gone) or human interactions like who said what and or the other person's intent? Does paranoid thinking affect her? Does she remember her childhood very well? I gave hundreds of questions and I apologize it's just that I am struggling to help myself so I can be a good mom to my 6 and 4 year old girls. I unfortunately fit into almost every category of this lecture as the child AND the parent. Which breaks my heart. I have been on this journey for awhile and bpd was where I truly felt I belonged until cptsd came along a few months ago.any insight would be helpful. Thank you and thank you for not running.
When even a ride home from school is too much to ask for as an eight year-old child, clean clothes, necessary medical care ect....well, just the bare minimum as an adult seems good enough. We, the unloved children, grow up to be adults that settle for much less than our birthright and potential. We are the perpetual under-achievers.
You are so right. Spot on.
Very true
💯😑
If this happened to you😢. My heart cries with you 😮❤.
Vary very TRUE.But we have to recover and Flourish!!s Is our
responsibility to be free and happy!! Best wishes to all.
Traits that predict and cause illness:
1. Automatic concern for other people's (emotional) needs above your own
2. A rigid identification with duty, role, and responsibility
3. Repressed (and/or suppressed) emotions
4. (Self-limiting) beliefs
5. Responsibility for other people's emotions
6. "I must NEVER disappoint ANYONE..."
So,
when there’s a disagreement,
when I need to say YES
or when I need to say NO,
when I need to state my needs,
and ask for them to be met...
When I need to create boundaries...
There's a possibility and a probability,
that someone will inevitably,
most likely,
be disappointed in me...
So I engage in every encounter,
interaction, and relationship...
In a way that ensures,
that the person disappointed in me...
NEVER
ends up being me!
I aim to never repress,
never suppress.
I aim to never lose parts of myself.
Radical honesty only:
100% of the time.
Always,
all ways.
I NO LONGER
HAVE MY VOICE SILENCED.
I ROAR!!!
‼‼‼‼‼‼‼‼
7) poverty/no resources/no way to improve one's fiancial class ... because money can buy a person out of their problems, money is the shovel that digs a person out of hell.
Outstanding! Beautiful to see!
The fear of "being a burden", "burdening others" or how sick it makes me feel to even consider asking for or accepting help is a thought and feeling that crosses my mind multiple times every single day.
Get called narcissist every day by my ex wife and daughter, they made me this person!!
So go to a counsellor.
@@JGalegriaare you being intentionally obtuse?
Practice! Getting healthy takes a lot of time and practice. It’s a life-long full-time job. One of my mantras is from Dr. Wayne Dyer and he said… ‘I’m better than I used to be!’
. I'm sorry friend, but research tells us that the seeds of narcissism are planted in childhood. When you are ready to learn, I suggest you explore this possibility.
All of this applies to me. I had to keep my parents from killing each other. I remember the violent fights when I was three years old and I was afraid I was going to die. I was an only child and it never got better until I went off to college. I still suffer from mental health issues and isolate. I never ask for help because there is always a price to pay and I regret asking. ❤️ I wish the best to all who had to face these fears
Please try EMDR and/or neurofeedback treatments….both helped my scapegoated husband who was emotionally/psychologically/physically abused for years….you deserve to heal and be happy ☺️🌼🌼
Blessings to you, and thank you.💜
I feel this
This is my life as well. But you know what? At 68 now, I HAVE to ask for help! I am going to take it very slow and thoughtfully.
Jesus... I'm sorry that happened to you.
Where has this video been all my life?!!!
My childhood home had so much dysfunction that I couldn’t bring myself to have kids. I didn’t think I had the tools to not mess them up. I’ve felt damaged and shame all my life.😖
Thank u, thank u, thank YOU!❤
I was so scared of becoming the same as my Father ( abusive verbally and physically since I and my brother was 3 ) , walking on eggshells every day, wanting to escape but couldn’t etc I put off having a child with every excuse to my wife. When a beautiful boy was unexpectedly born when I was 38 , I was so loving . But , I had this haunting feeling because of stress. I decided to divorce my wife and let her have full access when he was 2 ( so it was not too late).Her family is so supportive. I wanted to give him a good life away from me. I moved to another country . I stay in touch and visited him for many years and gave him love and care. But I wanted to ‘ spare him ‘ from me on a daily basis. My brother committed suicide at 41. My father ruined my life . He affected my personality, character, social life, career . I’m now 64 and still have panic attacks. I’ve never taken drugs. But sleeping pills numb .
Same
But, believe me you are an amazing soul. Because, you never wanted to pass on this immense pain and agony to your children, I would like to congratulate you for doing and amazing favour to yourself, your future kids and to this world. Wish you all the best with all the love and care for you from bottom of my heart ❤🎉💋..
This is exactly my story. I've never had anyone in my circle of friends who could relate to this feeling. Reading your comment is precious (and also bringing a lot of emotion...) ❤
Me too Julia
Needs in my childhood home were seen as being selfish and ungrateful. Other people have it worse.
the problem with that thought process for me was always "at what point is it bad enough for you to care?" and the answer turned out to be "never" and that's when I realized they just don't give a shit
To quote 'other people have it worse', is irrelevant and invalidating. It really pisses me off when people say this, of course other people may have it worse, but it doesn't mean that you are not suffering. It's a cop out. It's not a competition, there is no scale of pain/suffering, if it affects us, that's reality.
same lol
It makes sense; even in "lucky" situations when the parents do their best to provide all the basic stuff for their kid (spending their hard earned money to keep them safe, fed, dressed, clean & healthy), when the child voices extra needs & wants, that may be perceived as you say - ungrateful, bratty, selfish, spoiled kid behavior. Providing goods & care happens at one level, cultivating child's autonomy & individuality at another.
I need shoes 👟 _ be grateful u have 🐾 feet. Okay Mommy dearest
And now I'm a textbook Dismissive avoidant who can't even stand others. I'm hyper independent and get very suspicious of other people's help. I constantly question what's their motive. They have to be after something
The "you never want to be too much for people because youre afraid they'll abandon you". I have CPTSD and chronic fatigue from being so self sufficient. I was horrifically afraid of being a burden and therefore neber asked for help. Now Im sick and its still hard to ask my husband.
💜 same here!
One thing for thought consideration.
You can know what happened to make you the way you are, but asking for help from your spouse is a moment of vulnerability that you trust they will help to look after you. To not ask is saying you think they are not capable. The only thing you need is to acknowledge their help and allow that they will do it their way which may not be perfect or what you completely wanted. Hopefully with some give and take a balance will be reached where the mountain of must do tasks are Re-distributed in a way that works for all.
“I shouldn’t help you if you’re lazy or procrastinating.”
That’s why I don’t ask for help. I’m afraid of being judged.
Was just about to comment about this. You’re absolutely spot on. He’s miscommunicating. Massive weak spot in his bedside manner and tact and frankly skill. He at the very least, he should have qualified making those observations of procrastination or manipulation as a way to adjust or guide his relationship to that client or patient. This is indeed a very common element of current broken paternalistic authoritarian severe outdated Canadian culture. Obviously to be stable in life laziness and procrastination isn’t helpful, but often IS ITSELF the result of complex trauma.. the paralyzing fear / incapacity of doing anything on their own..
🙌
Same here
I have to say, CZcams videos have been really good at showing all of us one thing if nothing else: none of us are alone. I don't know how many times I've had the myth of "and I thought I was the only one" obliterated right before my own eyes in just the past few months. What a mess! Heartbreaking to see so many suffering from trauma as children. Only silver lining to this that I've found so far is the community that has spawned as a result of people wanting to be free of this and help others to do the same. I've found that just having a vocabulary which helps express all of this has freed me up quite a bit to better comprehend my own traumas and let them go. Truth will set you free, but it'll usually piss you off really good first.
Yes! The truth is initially totally retraumatising as it breaks!
Yeah, its not me after all.
Perfectly said.
Holy moly...learning about this now, being middle aged... well, better to be at the party late versus never showing up lol. Still alive, there are always opportunities to grow. Thank you for putting information out here for us!
🕊️
Totally agree. I just found this. Very helpful for myself as my kids. Definitely will be watching all videos.
If I may add a more subtle one to the list - a family situation where the children get overnourished, overprotected, over-cared for, but otherwise the environment is pretty cramping, so they become accustomed to sit passively on the receiving side.
They are taught high, noble human & moral values to the detriment of authenticity and so they become overly-polite and overly-grateful for all the care, love and attention they receive, however they don't dare to ask for anything more (if anything, out of politeness they refuse some of the goods they are being offered). Everything they receive is wonderful and can't help but feeling grateful, even if it's not necessarily something they wished for (but hey - it's still very nice and is rightly perceived as valuable) and in time their own needs and wants atrophy and wither after having been repeatedly overlooked.
So in adult life the difficulty is not being in tune with their own needs, not knowing what they want, not knowing that they can ask for what they want, but unconsciously continuing to expect to receive everything, which of course doesn't happen any more (without a clear reason, since this passive mode of operation is still unconscious), which in turn produces great anxiety.
The standard “big ‘Christian’ family” dynamic
This comment is so concise and so very spot on that I applauded after reading it. You have perfectly described my (possibly) soon- to- be ex. Mid- sixties and still being raised by his mom. Enmeshment....
I can stand behind this as the general theme of my life from as early as I can remember.
Profound & well articulated insight here!! Thank you
I can relate in similar ways. My dad especially instilled a complex abusive/spoiled dynamic in me. We had everything materially but nothing emotionally meeting our own needs and expected to be perfect. I was a free spirited child disrupting his controlled environment and crazy expectations hence getting punished severely for speaking out at injustices. I learned to not care, to shut off and indulge in what made me feel good and in not the best of ways. As the youngest I saw my much older siblings miserable, petty, overly competitive even when they were the top best performers in sports, academics, etc. I was a supposed prodigy with an opportunity to go to Julliard when I was a small child but his abuse and mistreatment of me made me not value myself. It's taken decades to heal and undo but I am much better and want to send love and encouragement to all of us comrades in finding more freedom and to fall in love with life in new ways again...
This conference has been therapeutic like nothing else has been for me
It's really amazing how he can make sense out of things we normalized or at least thought/think were/are fairly "normal" thanks to our upbringing. I always feel like Tim "gets me" in a way that so many others never have- including myself. 🙁
I became self-sufficient in my mid-teens bc I was sick of my parents and others holding anything they ever did for me over my head. Even if it came to buying deodorant, shampoo, basic necessities or something I would pay for it. If I bought something for my parents when they asked (or not) - always being the daughter that thought I could buy or earn their love in hope of even have them "like me", I wouldn't accept their money. They, on the other hand, expected me to pay them back- with tax, to the penny. Prior to me independently buying my own necessities and beyond, my mom would write the price on a tube of toothpaste or anything she happened to buy whether I asked for it or not with black Sharpie marker so I would know what she did for me and that I owed her $_____. It was helpful in learning how much things cost and prepared me for 'the real world', but the reason behind it was more out of spite than educating.
To this day, people who know me will often comment "I know you don't like gifts/ help/ people doing stuff for you, but will you please at least allow me to do_____?" I get a sickening/ anxious physical reaction any time someone wants to do XYZ. I've tried practicing allowing help or whatever, but always find myself defaulting to my typical mindset because it's an unbearable idea or one I ruminate about and can't move past until I've "repaid them". Birthdays and holidays are dreadful. I love to give and do what I can for others, but receiving/ accepting gives me tremendous anxiety. I always say "do something for me by not doing anything for me and that will make me feel good." My therapist helped give me the perspective that I was essentially depriving others of the same joy I find and cherish in helping others if I don't allow them the opportunity to help me somehow. Sorry for the novel.
❤❤❤
I never learned to make my needd known therefore i never learn to ask for help.I grew up in poverty and alcohoism so learned to be self sufficient, unseen and unheard.In my marriage i carried my fears alone but i ended up with major depression and alcoholism.I tried sobriety without a support sysfem in place and had no one when my husband died i returned to alcohol briefly after 16 years of sobriety.My 2nd marriage was to a narcissist who literally exhausted me like a 2 year old child.It was not a healthy relationship..I tried to end my life but thank god i didn't succeed.Now i find out about CPSTD and it make sense.
@Helen so sorry that narc saw you coming a mile away. Thank God you got out
Be strong 😍
Keep healing....you are so worth it...I wish you all the best...
Addiction is the result of repetition compulsion attempting to work out trauma ineffectively. Problem drinking/drug abuse is effective while under the influence, but the failure loop that leads substance abuse to addiction is because it wears off. This is the same mechanism that drives serial killing in most cases (sublimated rage toward the mother that doesn’t establish safety because it doesn’t eliminate it’s object). Pay attention next time some kid shoots up his whole family… If he gets the mother he usually calls the popo himself and surrenders calmly, even politely.
AA is a functional workaround for narcissism. Moral inventory accountability and self examination for people who don’t do that otherwise. I’m not shaming you I had 30 years in and out with 6 1/2 as the longest stretch until I even realized my trauma-which narcissists of course seal off and just need help living in polite society (and will stop drinking if they have a steady stream of “newcomers” upon whom to prey and next to whom to feel superior). Getting squirrelly without meetings is jonesIng for supply. The concept of terminal uniqueness and “I had to stop playing God - - who the fuck ever heard or ever thought like that but I was told “fake it till you make it“ which was a very unnatural sounding thing but of course is perfectly natural to a narcissist.
Anyway what I’m saying is we all have some of it in us and maybe before calling your ex a narcissist or feeling superior to the person who keeps getting six months and relapsing (probably because they don’t need narcissism anonymous but need to get the goddamn narcissists who are still extracting marrow out of their lives) give a bit of thought to what kind of group can’t acknowledge it’s leadership (paraphrased) “lest problems of property or prestige divert [us] from [our] primary purpose”.
Well I got 18 out of 18, top of the class for being a burden. No wonder it is so hard 🤨
I got 21 out of 18...extra credit😉
You hit the nail on the head about how Western culture creates these problems. The indigenous children I live with are still raised by extended family in a village they don't want to leave unless necessary for economic survival. This is in the Andes of Ecuador. Every day I am impressed by the relative self-confidence, cooperation, courtesy and calmness of the children, teens and adults. I always can tell when a child was raised by parents alone in a city or another country. Those kids are whiney, clingy, demanding, territorial, interrupt and have tantrums. If I happen to ask, indeed I will be told that this child was not raised in the village with their extended family. They were raised more in alignment with our Western values and nuclear family system.
Not in Australia. Rates of family violence, childhood abuse and neglect in Indigenous populations are high. That's why Australian government intervention happened. It was very heavy handed and arguably discriminatory. But it wasn't baseles
This is what happened when his people were fleeced, beaten, raped and abused, separated from their lands and their lives with one of the most brutal genocides in history perpetrated by the British colonizers.
Drugs, alcohol, violence...COMPLEX TRAUMA
It is more than studied.
Ahhhh
I have Borderline Personality Disorder, Chronic Depression, PTSD, AuDHD and in the process of getting diagnosed with Williams Syndrome. I have the Destroyer self-critic and it’s honestly unbearable sometimes. I always surrounded myself with mentally ill people because they feel comfortable and familiar. Now I have a boyfriend who is perfectly healthy, had a happy childhood and recently inner critics came up in conversation and he told me his inner voice is kind. I almost cried..
I’m curious how does he manage the relationship
curious why u almost cried.
. thought experiment...and i just noticed you dont use posseive "my self-critic" because i was gonna reword it to
"my self-critic has been historicially desctructive"...
the goal : taking the "is" out . the solidity. before the 'clay' was kiln fired. hardend... into "Destroyer". opening up potential for change
and if im making sense. this hopefully shows how these "word puzzles" could be a tool...
the activity is the same as in head but the paper dont fight back...
even changin 1 word ...hungry instead of starving is is a good example
On the flipside of all of this, you were somehow a match to him energetically so that likely means you've done shittonnes of healing and worked hard on yourself! Kudos to you!
As a grown man I teared up at the last two sentences. It's just unimaginable for me to have a kind inner voice.
What is Williams syndrome ?
Oooh, this one really hit home. I cannot thank you enough for making these videos freely available to the public. The insights you share have been profoundly eye-opening and amazing in their timing right now in my life. I've learnt more about myself and my entire family dynamic from you than from 18 years of counselling and self-help books. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I've said the pretty much the same thing. I learned and come to understand more in 30 minutes of listening to Tim than I have in 20+ years of consistent therapy, hospitalizations and being on medications.
@@JustJ-Me will it be forgotten to quick a blip thats gone wasnt able to root securely into memory
I know! It’s been life changing for me!😊
@@kristinvazquez231not for me it hasn’t. These were the beginning of a new life ❤
I don’t know any Christian that speaks like this. With this truth, awareness, and care for the human experience. And doesn’t force their religion on you with fear mongering. I have been surrounded by Christians that believe it would be sinful to bring any of this up. The spiritual bypassing is strong and a survival technique with them. It’s also deeply conditioned in me. Modern Christianity has in itself become so abusive and neglectful of the human experience in many different sects of the religion. So I subscribe because it’s refreshing to finally hear the truth…from a Christian. But I feel reluctant and that I must be carefully discerning to receive teachings from a Christian at the same time 🥺 spiritual trauma cuts deep.
One thing I have done in regard to Christianity is to study the Gnostic Chritians. They have a fascinating perspective on Christ and most of their writings date to a time that was closer to the time Christ was alive than the actual standardized Bible.
It’s deeper than SA
@@user-zb8lz9vs2d you’re right. Sorry if you’ve had to experience multiple complex traumas to understand these comparisons. But you are completely correct!
These characteristics are like layers of my persona or pages in my book, just being aware of them is helpful
Very interesting talk as usual, have learnt so much from Tim. I don't rely on other ppl for anything and have always been self sufficient. For me this is normal but listening to these talks makes me realize how different I am to ppl that don't have a background of trauma.
Usually they don't know what trauma is!
My mom took me out of school to watch my 3 younger sisters. Then later I wasn't alowed to say thats what happened.
When I was younger I had to care for my sisters children, my little sister and my mom. I took care of everything. I wasn't allowed to voice my thoughts. I wasn't allowed to say this is too hard. It's too much for me. Anything I said to be heard was quickly snuffed out. I was told I was ungrateful, a bad child, I was to be obedient. Seen and not heard. If I didn't obey and needed help one day they would abandon me. The only reason I was born was to serve.
I have felt like Cinderella my whole life except for not having a protective fairy nor a Prince. I just meet big babies but, of course, they never showed up like that. They revealed once they have me hooked. Never wanted babies because I had to take care of my younger sister and always blamed for their misdeeds. I was a mother and a maid before becoming a woman. I can't trust neither men nor women.
I hope you have freed yourself?
Tim Fletcher is the man i wish i saw many years ago. But still today he is of great help. Thank you for your knowledge and wisdom.
Thank you for all the work you’re doing for those of us with complex trauma. I’m not religious but I find myself really enjoying the biblical stories, also.
Me too
I have read the whole Bible but it was decades ago. I remember I enjoyed Proverbs and Exclesiastes and got scared and confused with Revelations ( Apocalypse).
God is the only reason im still here. Keep reading the stories, they are about you!
I married someone who also let me know not to have needs. Guess that was all I knew. The marriage did not last. I see that I still worry about being "needy" and don't think this will ever go away.
Great timing for this video. I have this fear of being a burden and priding myself on being independent but learnt here that being interdependent is the answer. I realise how important it is to ask for help and get needs met and it is not a sign of weakness. Thank you for this teaching.
I can hear and acknowledge it regularly, but putting it into practice/ applying it is a whole other story for me.
I see my parents in some of these descriptions but most importantly I see myself in some and that's the only aspect that I can change. Myself. My parenting.
I have to say, as a person is is very hostile towards Christianity because of childhood trauma, you as a pastor is not like most Christians I've met. You are knowledgeable. You understand human psychology better than most pastors. You display humility and true love and understanding. ❤❤❤ thank you. Even though I don't believe in God, you display the ki d of love that most people claim is "Godly".
So good. These talks are so healing for the world 🌎 hope it reaches everyone who needs it ❤️
oh damn... 18 characteristics and ALL of them match me pretty good... :/
Edit. 18 characteristics of parents also match very well, but the strong one is no. 12 "Expected you to learn something the first time and do it perfectly" oh yeah when i think about it in that moment i feel like it was in my bloody childhood all the time (oh actually it is still present when i would do something in presence of that narcisistic father), it was so strong, and it cause so much damage i can't even start doing anything new i want or i would like to do, when i try to learn new skills i got kinda stuck after very short time(sometimes i even got stuck in my mind before i start doing it, i just think oh yeah would be nice to do it or learn this or that but nah its nor for me, i cant learn it, it wont work for me...), because when i see what professionals can do and what i did after my firsts tries i feel resigned, that im bad, worse, and never achieve anything in that thing
Someone told me that I'm a "people pleaser" the other day and I've been thinking about it ever since. I don't know what caused this video to be suggested to me, but damn it hits home.
That's why everyone says you have to develop love of self, and then all the world can be your support! A good relationship with yourself can be enough, i believe.
Yes I learned to love myself when I really was able to receive Christ love for me about 4 years ago. I'm 64.
It has to be enough. If it weren't enough, the loneliness would kill the person. Everyone needs a support system and it's soul crushing without one
I am from an orphanage but my adoptive family had a lot of conflict and issues. I identify with a lot of this. Therapist helped though this information is very good. Thanks for this upload!
Moral of story be perfect parent. 😂🤣🥂🥂. Basically we all have flaws and as long as you own it and work on it you are an amazing parent!!
Boy is this triggering. This is like therapy, one video to be digested for a long time. Tim Fletcher, thank you so much for these videos. Your overwhelming well of knowledge and empathy is priceless. You do inspire me to do more for others. God bless you ❤.
I am not afraid of being a burden, I was TOLD countless times that I indeed was a burden by my parents and my husband. I was a burden even though I was raising our child almost singlehandedly. When I was asking for help (!) with our child, I was asked if I got bored of motherhood. I can now see a pattern of me getting in position so others have to help me. I hope this awerness will help me to get out of those unhealthy situations and relationships.
This man speaks the truth.
Very insightful.
All I attract are NPD so thanks , but I’ll continue to stay alone until I can see there are no more NPD !
We all can be selfish especially when we want space and tranquility-
But I think the best thing is to get rid of NPD completely because they WANT ALL THE ATTENTION!!!! You need a little , but they need an insurmountable AMOUNT that never ends !!!
I love your series, especially towards the end of each episode when you bring characters from the Bible into your teachings. We are all broken and I thank God for His guidance and for inspiring others to help us also. Thank you!
It's the other way round for me. Bible talk makes me switch a video off immediately.
I really appreciate and, for what’s worth, I agree with the theory of trauma explained. I puzzled about the connection with Christianity: a culture which hinges on making people feel wrong and guilty, which perpetrated abuse of power and protected the abusers from the law. I’m Italian and I’ve seen the extensive damage made by Catholics within my family and in the broader society. Catholics need to traumatize children in order to have adults seeking a safe person or entity to turn to. The Bible keeps swinging between atrocities and beatitudes, impossible to reconcile unless you give up your common sense, I.e. unless you turn yourself into a sheep, for the happiness of you pastor.
Toxic parents have been often subject of psychological violence by the church: this is what I witnessed.
Thank you Tim, I appreciate your teachings.
This video has come to me at the absolutely most perfect time, it was exactly what I needed to understand, thank you!
P
I see Tim and his talks as the parts of self compassion being discovered and drawn closer together. Hopefully one day soon we will be able to feel some compassion for the child in us that had to endure and survive. In a way we have to see, hear, feel, accept and love that inner child in the same way that we would hopefully do if we saw a child go through the same things today and Infront of us. What would you do if you saw a child in distress, sad, angry, lonely and so on?
I'm so good at picking up on others' needs and emotions. I'm quick to give others what I felt I never received and desired or needed. I can't seem to allow myself the same compassion though.
Beingvraised to ignore my needs and never be a burden is also a burden as a parent because when youre kids ask for help, you unknowingly pass all this down to them.."oh, let me tell you how hard i had it". This also produces more shame and guilt for the poor job i did as a parent. We are not burdens and they are not burdens.
This is exactly how I feel every day. I had no idea this was my problem despite being keenly aware I was raised by a narcissistic sociopath.
I was raised to believe that everyone else's needs must be met before my own, but to ask for anything myself was selfish and greedy. The family that I abandoned to reclaim my sanity still tries to contact me, but at this point late in my life, I'm too busy making up for lost time. My life is pretty incredible now. I am alone, and maybe too psychologically damaged to be lonely. I do not expect to ever have a safe, loving relationship with a man. I do think about it, but I firmly believe that safe, healthy relationships only happen in fantasy novels, which is why they're called fantasy novels.
You must have money if your life is "incredible" because I've always known money would have been a solution to my situation.
If you move beyond your fear, love will find you. Stay honest and you'll attract authenticity. The pressures to be in a loving relationship need not apply. Friendship is a place to begin. Either way, you're not too damaged to be loved.
God is so good! This content is priceless! Thank You! Radical acceptance of what truly happened and why we act and do what we do!
This guy hits the spot again. He’s as good as Berne brown. Really he articulates everything that ptsd people go through.
I had my closest friend recently tell me that she needed a break from talking to me and it triggered feeling like a burden. I know it comes from my childhood. My mother was a narcissist. I can't seem to forgive this friend. I understand that she needed alone time but I cannot get rid of the feeling of being a burden. I'm not sure I want to forgive her.
i didnt. in the apocalypse? yeah, they're out. did it hurt?
yes.
She is unable to be a supportive friend. Let her go and keep working on the fears. You are worth someone's time, energy and care
You need to find friends who are invested in recovery
Also had a friend say this to me .. when I was in need she told me she had her own needs she was dealing with .. it hurt .. but now I see and respect her for this .. when we are sinking we can cling to others who might also be drowning .. and they simply cannot be there for us .. if it’s repetitive that people can’t be there for us .. that’s a friendship to let go of ☮️
I also think when we have gone through trauma we can sometimes also overshare and dump all our problems on one person and it can become an incessant loop . It’s a hard one, finding the balance . We need to share but it’s also hard if someone is only hearing about problems too . My twin-sister soMetiems lets me know this compassionately . I’m sure your friend cares .. perhaps she was just letting you kindly knkw she didn’t have any more capacity .
I was " middle class" with a narc mom so her neglect of me was under the radar. Anyone else experience that?
Yes, it goes even further under the radar when “upper-middle class”. Emotional abuse/neglect is impossibly visible to anyone on the outside because you’ve been given so much. (Money, that is)
You’re not alone ❤
@@buchrisss your kind words mean a lot. Thank u
No. We were low-class so being poor was always the excuse she used. But she always had money for wine and cigarettes and her cable TV. What I had were very selfish parents that had no relationship skills so they got divorced. My mother then had a boyfriend who I thought was intimidating and he died in a drunk driving accident apparently... my mother went on to marry someone with more money who doesn't mind her alcoholism. My older brother committed su*c*de. My parents didn't do things like help me research scholarships or they didn't have real interest in my education. But by "under the radar" I think a lot of people do not see what the Narcissists are doing. Nobody really cares. My mother was always viewed as a victim and "a saint" my mother reserved her hatred for my brother and myself it seems. People like her because she doesn't treat THEM like shyt. It's just me who she calls "a Biotch"... abuse is like that. It's reserved for the TARGET. Not everybody is the narcissists target.
God bless you, Tim Fletcher!
There are safe people out there?
@Pam, my thoughts exactly
@Pam yes, I had that question bubbling up as he spoke. I ask “Tim, how do you know or recognize who is safe?” It surely depends on whether they understand deeply traumatized people and can validate, guide, encourage, soothe and shine the light of healing on their soul. But that would have to be a super human….it would be supra human…..that would be Creation, God!! No rejection there. I see how unshakeable faith develops - the belief in an unconditionally loving God. To your point Pam, I haven’t found a safe person on my road to recovery because in my aura are deep needs that attract people who, after a short while reject, abandon, disrespect, abuse me…..it seems like a never-ending cycle/circle. I wish you healing & all the best 💕
@@AllIn1Studio hey thanks for your reply..its so helpful to know another person has experienced a similar thing..no contact has helped me alot and yes praying to God but once you leave the cave its like they are waiting to attack..but they do it in such a subtle way you dont see it comming then its back to the drawing board..people have learned to manipulate empathic people and use it
For their own advantage..this is now a worldl wide problem..but at some point
A bigger bully will get the smaller ones
Then there might be a change..but not until they become targets themselves
What can we do?..walk the narrow path and let God take us to safety
Our Father gave us the Councillor
The Holy Spirit which is the spirit of Truth ..cuz once you see it you CANT
Unsee it..Good Luck to you my friend
Your words help those that need to hear them..peace..BOSTON
I don't think so LOL.
Yes most of them are damaged people like us. Our advantage of being traumatized is compassion and understanding
Yay!!! I'm a victim😂😂😂
Thought I had it all figured out... Back to the drawing board. Life is a ruthless cycle. Live it right and you'll welcome death. Nap time will be glorious! Great video.
Asking family to help and it’s toxic!!! Truth! Be prepared to move out of comfort zone!!! True after abuse!!!
These seminars are just pure Gold. Thanks for your teachings.
I hesitated to click on this because I can’t believe my parents were narcissistic in any way - but then I kept listening and he mentioned every single scenario I lived and continue to live in. I had a suicidal mother whom I was always afraid would disappear or kill herself - I did everything in my power to keep her happy so I never allowed myself to have any needs. My dad was a workaholic who coped with my mother’s depression and suicidal ideation by staying away.
I'm always looking forward to the Christian part at the end.i'm enjoying it thank you
I can’t even make it through this, it’s so painful. I feel both the hurt of how my parents fell short… and the pain of realizing how many of these same things I’ve done to my own children because I didn’t know how damaging it was.
Well, it's probably healing to tell your own children that you messed up sometimes. The thing is Narcissists do not apologize for anything ever. My mother hates me. My older brother committed su*cide.
I extremely appreciate your videos, the Lord bless you abundantly! Praying for you and your family!! Every single word was amazing, the last part talking about Joseph, so much was similar to my life
Thank you so much. This is going to be so helpful in my life. God Bless your ministry
I was so deeply into this pattern of trying to do things perfectly and meeting everyone's needs while having no needs of my own, I ended up nearly dying from rare heart condition. After my health was compromised and I was disabled I was left penniless and alone while the people I loved and trusted the most were smearing me. No one helped me because no one knew what was actually happening. It was awful and illuminating.
I started crying after the 18th. I have c-ptsd with dissasociation with amnesia and multiple personality disorder.my dad took a crow bar after me, into the restaurant where I worked, I was sitting having tea with gus the manager and dad came in an slammed that table and 1half inch away from my nose. And said I'll be sitting out there waiting for you. , I went there for help cause I worked there and we got a plan made. I went to a safe house and yheother ones went on a high speed chase with the cops chasing them. 157 miles an hr they were going and he tried to crunch into them so they stopped. My dad went yanked that door open, grabbed Cindy my girlfriend, and was ready to pound on her with the crow bar but the guys wouldn't let go of her legs to keep her in, by then the cops were there., but I called on my friends and we made a plan to get me to a safe place. I thank those people, I would be dead at 14yrs old. He said I'll get u before yr 18. And I was visiting my brother . Thank you! I found this channel , and I subbed and shared. ❤ ✌ 🌞
Dammmmmmmmmmn .....oooooh lord have mercy , you nailed it
I didn’t listen yet but I grew up in a home where there was no love or nurture. We were looked at as work. My parents sacrificed a lot to give us what we wanted (material stuff) but never what we needed. Now I find it so hard to meet my children’s needs. I’m very dysfunctional and selfish. I’m very aware of my toxic behavior but find it hard to cope with day to day life sometimes. I believe I also have undiagnosed ASD or ADHD. Easy tasks are very complex to me and I’m emotionally immature. My children deserve so much better. My almost 18 year old daughter (had her at 19) says they couldn’t have picked a better mom. I think she says that to make me feel better. I wish I had more help.
Same childhood for me and my 18yr old son and 16yr old daughter say the same thing yet I feel the same way as you described also. Love to you ❤
It has helped me to study EIP: emotionally immature parents. I understand my own childhood beliefs and also understand what I passed on to my children, thus to my grandchildren.
This really hit home for me - yes to all 18 characteristics. Many thanks for your valuable work. 🦋
So many of these, nearly all, characteristics applies to my parent and it sickens me to my core because when I try to talk them about it I’m gaslighted. I’ve made the conscious decision to remove them from my life and not allow that poison behavior around my child.
Thank you for making these videos to help all of us heal.and understand and therefore helping to stop the unhealthy cycles and evolve
Making and contributing and serving your community instead of .......
This is very well explained, thank you sir. This describes me or one of my brothers and sisters 100 percent.
Or the parents didn’t want another child and told you growing up and constantly reminded you through your life that you were a mistake but they kept you anyway and l must be grateful for it!
Or you were the only child to a single mother (unmarried) and the mother was forced to move back in with her parents and they abused her nonstop. Yelling at her about how she could be so stupid. So there were two female narcissistic people in my house: my mother and grandmother. My grandfather was powerless and only on rare occasions did he stand up to them. And each time I got sick I was yelled at. Had to go to school with pneumonia too. In 2nd grade.
Everytime I was sick my mom was magically sick. From I was a toddler to now (23 years old). So if anyone (family, her work friends) called asking how I am, she’d divert the attention to how she’s more sick and how taking care of me made her more stressed because I was sick and no one was there to take care of her. Mind you she would only emote/show symptoms the moment they’d ask about me/I’d cry in pain/ask for pain management so it was pretty obvious of her faking it. It was like the scene in Midsommar when Dani was crying and all the women gathered around her and started crying to brainwash her..
Sometimes you get to listen what one needs to listen to from time to time. 🎉 Just what is needed to face those fears.thanks man
Regarding why we do not ask help…I would add another reason, and that is when you ask the help, then people ask you to help in return with something, that is too much and you don’t want to disappoint them with saying “no”. Plus I personally do not want to have a feeling like I owe something. What’s the trauma behind that?
Thankyou so very much ,, this explains everything xxxx in tears right now xxx Thankyou god bless xxx
Excellent work sir, takes one to know one glad you made it
My heart fills with joy when I see two people with such common sense discussing for millions to see on what is basically mass hysteria at this point. Thank you TCN ‼️
MIND BLOWN.. Thank you so very much.. 🙂 Your knowledge is greatly appreciated
It's so sad that i have all the signs you listed
Thank you for sensical life changing information.
Thank you so much for all your work! ❤️
Amazing content . So informative. I hope you continue to post. You truly help people
I remember my mom just absolutely screaming at me at the top of her lungs because I woke her up in the morning once (the first time I remember it happening), I wasnt more than 3-4 years old... and that was just the beginning of a whole lot of bad memories
so you may help feed the 2o yr old their soup, but that DOESNT mean you arent going to help them, its just going to be a different type of help.... its a very fine line between helping and enabling
😩😢😔🤦EXCELLENT!!!🎯 TY💖👏👏👏. PURE VALIDATION!!!💯
This guy is good!!! Thanks!!! This is soooo helpful! Dealing with complex PTSD 10 traumas!!! 🤦♀️😢🙏
Is there any information in regards to children who are raised by a parent that unknowingly suffers from Complex trauma?
This is my mom, at the age of 78, I still have to remind my mom that she is not bothering me and that she can come over whenever she wants and NOT for a specific reason.
It wasn't until my dad passed away that I realized how much my mom needed the feeling of being needed and when I say "needed" I'm speaking in actually doing something ect. She's never understood that her being with us is all we need.
Hopefully you visit her
All of the above...
Gratefully, thank you.
Once again - thank-you Tim
Amazing👍😊 Thank you for making these video lectures and sharing them With the World 🙏💖🥰
I just started the video and I’m really excited to take in this information 😊
Tnx for the message.
I was manipulated by my friend for a year until I was so drained of helping her and decided to put off our relationship. She used to immerse me with praise when I helped her, I feel for it for quite a long time, doing things that she herself could do but was too lazy to do them. This is manipulation, please stay out of such unhealthy people.
I was born to a codependant military covert narc dad and a codependant akcoholic milignant narx so cqlled mom evsryrhing this man is saying has happened to me i lived to the other side and healing. I got a whole lot from this
Asking for a friend how do you get healthy interdependence when 99 per event of people has stabbed you in the back?? I agree connections important but when so many people have lied you and hurt you and used you for their own reasoning it’s very difficult to not want to heal on your own and I think you can heal on your own it just takes a very unique individual that can do that and it’s not for the faint of heart and I think some people can do it again it’s just rare!!!
Yes very true. I always try to research on my own and help myself. It’s very hard to trust others when in the past your vulnerabilities or information you shared with supposed trusted adults was used against you
@Sara Fox truths and getting more so that way daily!
@@CMM726 truths!
God bless you Tim. Thank you