LaurenAshley I wish you the best. I always feel anxious meeting people too. One thing I do is volunteer at an animal shelter. Like Kati said, you are around people but doing an activity, like walking dogs or playing with the cats. This helps me feel a sense of belonging, but on my own terms. Im always worried what people think about me, but everyone I've met at the shelter have been so thankful and welcoming.
i dont avoid social interactions but i am quiet around people and even when there are people that i see regularly i feel like they dont actually like me they just tolerate me
@@NicoleCamileSantosAlexandre Ugh...when that feeling appears! It seems that we're afraid of being boring. We think that the funnier we are, the higher our social value is, therefore we are accepted or approved. But, do you remember those feelings when we're actually alone, feeling good and relaxed? Why don't you try to actively carry those soothing feelings to stay chill during those stressful situations? At least you're not going to be anxious and boring... Just boring and ok with it... 😊
I've seen plenty of people talk about how to make friends but I would find it interesting to see something about how to keep friends. I always end up isolating myself from any new friends I make.
Jolina Simon same i hate it so much because I want to keep those friends but i let all my insecurities get the best of me and i end up isolating myself
Keeping friendships is no more complicated than showing that their happiness is important to you, like doing check ins over the phone or making special plans with them (as opposed to last minute hang outs, which isn’t that bad but making plans ahead of time is a good way to let them know they’re important to you). Really the only thing that can get in the way of sustainable friendships is ego or self centered tendencies. And if the problem is losing interest in people generally then that’s something that should definitely get talked through in therapy. Hope this helps 🤗
what helped me was regularly meeting up, mutual self-disclosure, and over time doing more intense activities such as watching movies together or going to different new places together, & generally being interested in each other
Scott Dow Ikr when I make eye contact I can’t stop blushing, and I feel so awkward cause I’m not sure how long to hold it for and where to look afterward, then I start spiraling into thoughts like “im too stupid to do something so simple” and “something is seriously wrong with me. I’ll never be good enough”. After the interaction I isolate and replay the whole thing a million times in my head magnifying even the slightest awkward thing I do whilst cringing. Anxiety and embarrassment turns to shame and self-loathing and the cycle starts again.
Stuff I’ve done. 1) Joined a running group. It was terrible when I first turned up, I was physically shaking, but once I started running then conversations just started happening. It’s hard to stay anxious when you’re doing something physically demanding. 2) Go to the events that feel safest, promise yourself that you will stay for an hour regardless of how awkward it is, and bail afterwards if you still want to leave. It’s easier to bear if there is a fixed end time you can call “enough”. 3) Try to talk about how you feel. My boss once asked me what my problem was and I wasn’t expecting it, so I told the truth, that I was always scared everyone would think I was a loser and not want to talk to me. He didn’t laugh like I’d always imaged someone would. He acted like it was a totally normal thing to say and told me very matter-of-a-factly that it wouldn’t happen and that he’d talk to me, so not to worry.
I dont have bad social anxiety but I dont like being in large crowds without my headphones or something to do, I do struggle making friends but that's because I'm just generally seen as awkward and weird by people
As far as I know the basis of this anxiety is to fear what people may think of us and and we somehow behave inadequately. Fear of large crowds is something different because you don't really interact with other people but it is noisy, cramped and you get touched so you may be hurt or be stolen from. Agoraphobia basically.
You likely have a group of people who have similar interest. I hope that you find your “tribe”. In most cases, we have more things in common than we think. ❤️
jiya swtu you still have to go out and experience anxiety. But when ur friends with similar issues you are more understanding and sympathetic towards each other.
Kyle S. Exactly ! Anxiety (and mental illness in general) often make people feel alone an isolated. It is very common though, more common then we sometimes think!
This Video screams my name, I just HAD to leave Netflix for this No but seriously I recently started therapy because of my social phobia, thank you so much
Art Chemist we haven't really done anything yet, at first your therapist needs to get to know you and stuff so there hasn't been a progress yet, but I really hope that my anxiety will get better, I can update you :) Just know that yes, it is a jump into cold water but I personally feel hope for me, so I would totally recommend going to therapy! Sending you much love
Mar I know that so well. Haha sucks. I hate when I do that. Now my mom drives me when I have appointments (Since I moved back with my parents). That’s a relief because that ensures that I actually get therapy but sometimes I postpone making them for being emotional or I forget I made an appointment hahaha... now I should set reminders lol
I use to have so much social anxiety that I was convinced I was an introvert! But after therapy I got over my fear of people and realized I was actually an extrovert ❤️ It’s amazing what you learn about yourself while trying to heal yourself 😊
For me, introversion is about being drained when around people. I can make conversation and seem like the happiest person in the room, but after an hour or two I'm exhausted and need to re-charge.
i am 19 and i have social anxiety. social anxiety really sucks for anyone who is dealing with it, but it's even worse when you're young and you're expected to be partying and having fun with your friends every day and night. I wish there was a pill that could take it all away in a second...
mahsa maghferati yeah I’m 15 and because of my social anxiety I only stay at home and binge watch Netflix from when I get home from school to 10 pm at night and is this is the time to say I’ve never been to a mall before :(
I love you! For me, it's more that I'm an introvert. I can make eye contact and conversation, but if someone wants to hang out, I tend to avoid it. I'm not sure I can maintain friendships, as I need very little time with people. It physically exhausts me to be social for more than a couple hours. Lots of acquaintances, no real friends....
I volunteer at an animal shelter. It helps me feel connected to something, but at my pace. I've met some wonderful people who share the same values as I do. Honestly, I feel awkward a lot!! But I just fake it till I make it! I think complimenting someone can help with the awkward feeling of meeting new people.
Social anxiety + work at home job = rarely ever meet new people who aren't cashiers. Five years in a new state and city and it's extremely hard to find people with similar interests. I tried some gaming group meet-ups but never clicked with anyone. Growing older sucks.
I relocated to a small town in East TX back in 2018 & I have YET to make one single friend out here😮💨. I feel like I'm slowly losing my mind with this much isolation🙈
As she describes social anxiety and phobia I feel like crying. I hit every single point and it’s incredibly validating to know that what I’m feeling is real and acknowledged. And there are people out there who understand! It’s such an isolating feeling sometimes. I’m starting a new job and some anxieties I have about it include not being able to hold conversations or strike up a conversation, people thinking I’m too quiet or young, eating lunch awkwardly lol, or just not doing my job well or like I’m not a good fit for the job. It’s just so debilitating at times. These videos are helping me so much🥺 Also, this job has benefits I’m hoping I can go to therapy about these issues soon. It’s really exciting. Even though this job has a lot of triggering new experiences, it’ll also opening so many doors for my healing.
I strongly recommend board games groups! The reason is, you can feel free to choose to talk or not talk depending on how conformable you feel and it is socially acceptable in this setting. You can just focus on the game and don't say anything. No pressure. It was a miracle solution for me when I struggled with low mood and anxiety.
I have this friend... She hangs out with me for almost 2 years.. but I know this won't last long. I'm the problem here. She has good communication skills, she is funny and always makes me laugh, but I can't never make her laugh. Yet she still chose to hang out with me, listened to my problems, comforting me, and she never look down on others, and that makes me slowly falling for her. Fortunately during the summer she confessed to me that she liked me, but at the time I haven't viewed her as more than a friend yet and I'm also scared because my parents are homophobic and I'm confused with my feelings. So I rejected her ... I didn't regret ... Because even if I accepted her confess, I know that once we got back to school, our relationship won't last long. This year I found myself even more boring than last year, I can't even do small talks now and always shut down. She attempted to talk to me on the first week of school, I wanted to talk to her, real bad, but nothing popped in my mind, she did try to flirt to me, but all of my responses are silence. And so... Everything always has its ending... She grew tired of it on the second week, she no longer attempting to start a conversation with me anymore, she no longer trynna flirt with me, and she's made new friends and took interested on a new girl who can make her laugh. What can I say? It's all my fault, I'm just too boring and can't socialize at all. Who would be interested in someone like me? She had been trying for so long, and ofc she had to give up. she's still being nice to me and treat me with respect, and that's what I hate the most.. I just feel like crying even more whenever she does that, it's like we go from friends to classmates now. I just hope she just ignores me, I don't want her to treat me nice and makes me have my hopes up that she's still interested in me.
lately I try to remember that it is okay to feel awkward and it is okay that other people think you are awkward. the people who laugh at you aren't people you want to be friends with, and honestly, when I see an awkward person, I always see a potential friend, because at least I know for sure we have one thing in common: feeling awkward.
The tip about getting together with people whom you have something in common with is really good. I have social anxiety, but I joined a writing group. My husband encouraged me to go, because I almost flaked out. I didn't talk at the first meeting, but the more I tried interacting, the easier it got, and now they call me the favorite of the group! I've never been the favorite anything before.
As I social anxiety recoverer, I wish I had this video when I had social anxiety. Even now, a year after I had recovered, I still realise how much I isolated myself during it, how much I missed out socially. I’m still learning and working on my socialising, especially small talk😉. The aftermath lives on, but I’m so glad that I’m no longer struggling with social anxiety. So, people with social anxiety out there, don’t give up, keep trying and smile more! I know it’s cliche but it’s true. Moreover, thank you Kati for this video😘.
I'm trying to get the courage to call a therapist and make an appointment. I've struggled with social anxiety for so long and I want to get better. I'm just scared....
Dude!!! Do it!!! I cannot express enough how glad you will be! I can practically GUARANTEE that you will see the benefits after just one visit!!! (But go to more than one! 😂💯) Always start with the least amount. Just do that. Like..."just" find a dr you are interested in. Once you get past that, you can commit to "just" making the appt. Don't even commit to attending the appt, just making it. (Calling to cancel if you don't go is nice, if you can!) Once the appt is set, work on attending. Keep making those "just" promises. Good luck! You can do this!!! xo
Would a text based therapy option work better for you as a start? Thankfully there are more flexible therapy options than there used to be. I know the whole process is scary all over & fear can be paralyzing, but even awareness is progress, so woohoo! :)
It’s hard to tell from your comment if you’re afraid to make the phone call or actually have the appointment (or both) but I always go to therapists who make appointments through email. Because Lord knows I can’t make phone calls. I encourage you to push yourself and try it though, therapy has saved/changed my life for the better. You can do it!
Things that help some was a suggestion from my pal. It was ingenious. 1. Smile, wake, look up, talk to people. 1.1 if the person knows your name in a school/work setting don’t panic 2. (Nicely) find interesting things in people 3. (Nicely) tell them the interesting things 4. Do this all the time. 5. The eye contact has nothing to do with this Hard at times but it can get easier
i have social anxiety bad. To the point where i would absolutely love to make new friends and be around new people but when i have that opportunity i try to dodge it. I feel very awkward and just want to leave. I've always been a quiet person though, i'm a good listener. I'd rather listen to conversations then talk. It's usually talked about, which makes it worse...i'm a very friendly person, i just wish i could get over it but it seems very hard for me.
I’m actually great with strangers and love making a brief but meaningful connection. Where I have trouble is with groups of people. I hate that. I feel like everyone is dancing and I don’t have rhythm. I like going deep while most people don’t, so it weirds them out. I also run out of my social battery and just want to go home
I've had anxiety attachs for a long time, but because of my personality, it went unnoticed until recently. I'm getting help for it now but sometimes, it is really really hard to over come. I think these things are very helpful, as I am thinking back to a time when I did just this. I was standing in line for my sister's concert and I was having an anxiety/panic attach and my head was filled with a thousand what if questions. And I could feel the room caving in on me. I felt alone, wanted to go home. Wanted someone there to distract me. So I texted my friend and told her ever little detail that was going on, but my phone is not active out side of WiFi so she never got it. But then another lady joined the line I made and started to talk to me. Never met her before, but through talking to her, I was able to calm down and not feel so anxious. I'm not sure she realized how much help she was for me that night.
Very cool! That is what we all need to keep reminding ourselves...it's just that first step or two that suck...once we are engaging, it is usually infinitely better!
I have SAD and I can say that the best, longest lasting friends I've ever had we made while being a member of a club of some kind. The types of people that typically join volunteer or community service organizations are typically the type of people that will be friendly towards you. It's not always the case that they will like you but you can bond with some people better because you aren't just talking the whole time.
I pretend it's ok to make friends with everyone. It's very taxing on me though. I feel exhausted and would much rather be with just one person at a time.
I have no problem making acquaintances, but actual friends has been a lifelong struggle for me. Even when I get involved in a common activity, I seem to never build a relationship with acquaintances that goes beyond that activity.
Great tip for making eye contact easier: you can pick one eye of the person you're interacting with and just look into that one eye. Doing this will never telegraph to the other person what you're doing - it will still appear as if you're looking into both eyes. One more freebie: if you find yourself over thinking about how long to hold eye contact before it becomes awkward; look at their eye long enough until you can see the color or colors and pattern of their iris. This will take about 3-5 seconds, then break eye contact for a moment and switch eyes and look at the other one. Rinse and repeat.
I don't know if it's still social anxiety, but i love large groups of people and clubs because technically I could spend a whole hour in a large group and not have to say one word because everyone else is speaking, but when it comes down to one-on-one interactions even sometimes with people i'm really close to i get so anxious because I feel like I'm being analyzed and I feel the pressure to talk
Thank you, Kati! I always feel like people who give advice to those with social anxiety are talking down to us or don’t really get it, but you manage to be friendly and make the listener feel like part of the process rather than just following orders. You do some really great work! thanks again! 💕
I haven’t even started working on my social anxiety with my therapist, but just attending therapy is helping it tremendously!!! Talking to the receptionists and therapist forces me out of my comfort zone and now i make an effort to greet the receptionist when i come in every week😃 i also started nannying as my part-time college job, and interacting with kids helps my social anxiety a lot because they tend to not be judgmental and are easy to talk too!
Hey...you made it through High School! Lol! You deserve big props for that! College students are so much more chill! You've got this!!! Going to therapy will be great help! Wish everyone would/could find a therapist! xo
These are some really helpful tips! Thank you so much Kati! I have social anxiety and often it talks me out of social events and makes me overthink about past situations. The thing that helps me the most is when I'm able to prepare ahead of time for a social event such as getting to know the location, what will happen at the event and what to expect, then my anxiety is decreased somewhat and I'm less likely to have a panic attack.
I'm required to interact with people significantly more this year, so I have to deal with all of that a lot more (with varying success). Thanks for the encouraging tips ❤ always so appreciated. I might need to try this thought stopping thing 😊
I'm 44, male, I've been told that I may have APD. Still I enrolled in Salsa/ Swing dance classes because I moved to a new city. You don't have to have a partner, and if you only want private class, you can. Although eventually you will be asked to join the group class. At some points you will be asked to perform at bigger and bigger events but only if you want to. I have struggled a bit, particularly at larger events I have shut down and clammed up. I still haven't managed to go to a nite club by myself, but knowing how to dance has tapped me into a world wide social group and I don't feel nervous when a personal social event happens to pop up in my life be it a friends wedding or Christmas dance. I am still struggling a bit, but I recognize that anytime you learn anything, you make yourself better. Arthur Murray dance studios are awesome and just about everywhere
Once again, you have touched on a topic that hits home for me. My social anxiety came about after a 3 month hospital stay. Being by myself for so long has turned me into a recluse. I have been trying some of the things that you mentioned today and I am hoping to build a new friend base. Thank you for your continued work helping everyone listening Kati. I really appreciate it.
This makes perfect sense! It is evidence that emulsion therapy is a smart way to go. You just got fragile. You need to build up that thick skin you once had. These tips are perfect for you!!! Good luck! xo
my therapist always mentioned the idea of “comfort zone”. trying to expand that from, for example, just your room, to your room and school, to maybe your room, school, and a park.. and kinda slowly teaching yourself to become calm and comfortable in more situations and physical spaces. she always told me that the smaller my “comfort zone” becomes, the more anxiety i have, which i found true. helped me put it into perspective AND motivate me to work on it! hope that makes sense...
I developed social anxiety, generalized anxiety disorder, BPD, OCD & panick attacks in my late 20s due to years of emotional and psychological abuse by women. University was my safe haven. Once I left the gates of heaven (graduated) & had to start working & interacting with nasty, evil, sly, jealous female bullies in the workplace, that's when everything went to hell with my mental and emotional health. Your videos are the best. I watch them almost daily. Thank you for posting them.
Honestly I needed to hear this. I thought it was just me who beats themselves by rethinking every conversation. It’s gotten me through some bad spiral and when people notice, I get awkward more so and don’t know how to continue the conversation. That’s where my social anxiety magnifies. If I had conversation starters planned before the social event, and maybe even put them down in my notes on my phone app to look at, It can save me during those spirals. That’s my next video. Thank you for making this video!! 💚
Hi Katie! I’ve been taking your tip and putting it into action of making eye contact and smiling while I’m shopping or at the gym...and you know what? It feels liberating! Yes, it was an intimidating thought at first, but the more you do it, the more it becomes easier. Sometimes, ppl don’t smile or avert their eyes, but many make eye contact as well and even smile or say ‘hi’ back. It’s like a muscle, the more I practice doing it, the easier it gets to resist not doing it. Thank you ❤️
Thank you for the advice Kati. I'm thirty-five and have been dealing with SA since childhood. I find working on it DOES help, but it never really goes away. I hope my peer support group helps!
tsukigalleta practice positive self talk and write down why you deserve a job or why you are a good candidate. Like your skills and strong points. Also try to think of yourself as the honey and the job is the bee! They need You
tsukigalleta I have the same exact problem. It’s gotten much better since I’ve been working on it in therapy but its still super stressful. What I’ve done in the past is work for a temp company because they will look for work for you. That way you get experience and you can try out a bunch of different types of jobs to see what you like. Also, sometimes you get hired on by a company you’re temping with. Hope this helps!!! ❤️
@@_just_TK Thank you so much! The problem is in my country finding a job (even a lousy job) is not an easy task. We don't have the luxury to choose. And one of my latest experiences was devastating. I went to a kind of course where they help you find a job, train you to know how to do it, and after the first class I received a call from the teacher telling me she felt I wasn't well to take the course and it was better if I didn't. My already low self-esteem went straight to the ground.
@@tsukigalleta Presumably, the whole reason you even bothered to sign up for such a course was to improve your skills regarding landing a job? If I'm even slightly correct, that implies the job of this 'teacher' was to *help you improve.* Surely, if you were already confident in doing the whole job-seeking spiel, you wouldn't have risked 1) further anxiety and 2) taking time away from getting a job for this whole thing. As far as I'm concerned (for whatever that's worth), that teacher was totally out of line for saying such a thing to you. Clearly, they don't give a flying one as long as _they_ get paid. Better luck in the future.
I have learned that most people will be really cool about social anxiety if you are upfront about it. Personally, I just push past the fear to get a conversation rolling by introducing myself, giving a sincere compliment, and asking about their interests. If they stop and ask about me, I usually mention I'm working on expanding my social circle and pushing myself out of my comfort zone. Most people are completely understanding of this and will go out of their way to make you feel more welcome. Thats when my anxiety fades away.
Oh my gosh thank you for this video! This has been consuming me! I still have trouble making certain appointments, been avoiding the hairdresser for a year now and still haven't had my tap fixed because I can't call my landlord and my friends don't know why I don't just do it.
Hey Kati, I'd love for you to do a continuation of this, how to date people when you have social anxiety. It's something I've been struggling with recently.
The joining communities one is very true and helps A LOT, for example, I love this group called BTS, and the community itself is very large, and I struggle with Social Anxiety so speaking to new people out in public is extremely hard for me, however sometimes people spot the photocards/stickers of BTS on my phone, and we instantly strike up a conversation about BTS, and I feel so relieved and relaxed knowing that we share something in common. I'm trying to better myself, and I really really want to get rid of my social anxiety, I'll take your tips into consideration and I'll try to push myself a bit more, I do hope to improve, thanks for your videos!
Oh this is great. I was at church and the talked about helping people and I thought, well that ain't going to happen with me. People think I'm weird. Then they talked about the difference a smile can make. So I tried looking strangers in the eye and smiling. I stop feeling crap because they look up and smile back. They feel better and I've done something good for them and myself. I can't do this all the time emotionally I'm not always up to it. But it helps when I do
It just feels like this impossible thing. Like it’s so far away. It’s been a long time since I actually made a real effort to go out and make friends. I’m going to high school next year and I want to join sports. There’s so much I want to do but I feel so anxious. I don’t know if I’ll ever be the type to do sports and make friends and make mistakes.
I have Social Anxiety, but I don't have trouble making friends. My problem lays more in communicating with people, in a professional manner, and anything relating to a phone. I would go out of my way, if it meant I could talk to people in a way other than the phone. I also, have a problem in wanting to be social, a lot of the time, but I'm pretty sure that's more related to my depression than it is the anxiety. I also have general anxiety, so that doesn't help either.
I live at home with my parents. We had a big family get together for Memorial Day and I stayed in my room the entire time playing video games. The thought of talking to other people, even family, makes me feel extremely nervous and nauseous. There’s times where the family get together is at a different location. When this happens, I stay in the car and play on my phone the entire time, so I don’t have to talk to people. That said, I have a full time job and could move out and support myself. I feel like living at home could be hindering my socializing. Either way, I should probably see a doctor 🤔
Im joining a club in my college for the first time and God! I’m scared to go in and stay in the room where all the members usually gather. But I pushed myself to sit in there and do my own work. I want to talk with people, to be honest. But I still don’t have the gut to start any conversation with them yet, even making eye contact with them is hard. I feel like i want them to feel that im invisible. But... that’s not what I ‘actually’ want. The true wish of myself is to be good at socializing with people. Im still trying now btw, and i tell myself that it takes time. I should be proud for being able take that step to sit in that room even though i dont talk to people. I love myself 💕 Thanks Kati for this wonderful video and tips!
I love your videos so much!!! I’ve had social anxiety for a longgg time and it’s so hard to meet people, but I’ve definitely improved within the last couple years and I have even done talks in front a bunch of people at school and stuff and mental health! A little progress every day goes a long way :)
I make most of my friends at a clubhouse day program and a church I have attended. I have worked on learning social cues and am a lot better at making and keeping friends. I used to have more "weird" behaviors that made me lose friends or make it harder to make friends. I'm a lot better but I also have other issues. I'm proud that I have made a few friends in the community. I still have mannerisms but people seem to understand I'm trying. Great video as usual.
I have social anxiety, but the easiest way for me to make friends it's online. I can get past my anxiety and awkwardness and most of the time I'm good after that. By that point I'm comfortable with the person and I'm good at taking to the person in person. But that also depends on how long that I talk to the person. Even hen, I get a little nervous when I'm first around he person but I can warm up a lot easier that way
Marissa Albertson pretty name, also wouldn’t it be great if there was a place we’re people with social anxiety could make friends online and yeah me too I can’t get pasted my anxiety
@@d.v2796 thank you. I actually am on an app called Patook, and I have run into a bunch of people who openly admits that they have anxiety and have a hard time making friends in person. It would be neat if there was an app just for people with social anxiety, but that is the best I have run into
I've been in therapy for years to overcome my social anxiety and in my heart I know the progress I have made, I can see how I can go out and do things that once left me crying and having an attack, but I have recently moved to a different state that I only know my husband in. I feel really lonely that I only have my husband to talk to every day but the thought of going out somewhere to meet people is absolutely terrifying. He has introduced me to his friends in the area but none of them are people that I really connect with, and most of them are males, which is another social trigger for me. I also have issues with becoming socially exhausted when I am around people. It's like I want to meet people and hang out but when I do I am just waiting for it to be over so I can come home and nap. My introverted personality and my anxiety limits how I can comfortably express how I feel and I am always terrified of reaching out to friends out of fear that I am their annoying friend that they can't get rid of. I hate when I try to explain this to my husband because he just suggests to 'get out more' and that I 'can meet people if I speak up more during group conversations" but it is so easy for him, he is so social he could make friends with a brick wall and be content. I would love some suggestions on how to get over myself and to meet people in realistic settings without it being forced.
I've had social anxiety ever since i was a teenager and i thought i would never get over it, but then my grandmother got really sick and i had to deal with a lot of things for her, talk to nurses, doctors and a lot of other stuff... it helped a lot with my social anxiety... a terrible situation forced me to deal with my social anxiety. I still suffer from it, but everytime i'm getting too nervous i think to myself "i've been on new experiences before and they turned out ok, this will work out as well"... making friends is still awkward lol but i'm trying!
I just want to share something that has been helping me lately. If you're seeing a therapist it's likely that you are trying really hard not to listen to your cognitive distortions (my therapist calls them "twisted thoughts"). You're probably trying really hard not to jump to conclusions about other people, to loosen some of your boundaries. However, that's not the case for everyone you're interacting with and it's not your fault if they make that mistake. If the boundaries you seemed to cross are irrational, it sucks but it's not your responsibility. This happens a lot when you're "different". Tribal instincts are in our nature and you might be at the other end of the stick. Still, unless there's a real stick (actual threats or harassment), stay strong, they'll get used to you in time as well. Like you, as long as they want to (consciously or not), they'll get desensitized to the differences or even find value in them. I have a french-canadian sarcastic and punchy sense of humor and that doesn't always work out well with anglo-canadians (cultural differences), even in a comedy club. I got put on the spot a lot for "moral" reasons during improv lessons that I was paying to attend. It was really hard at first and I wanted to give up and isolate myself again and again but I didn't. I went back week after week. I talked to my therapist and expressed myself calmly (in writing) to key figures in private. I made compromises and so did they over time. Things are really fun, I'm chatting with other students. The other day someone said they were impressed at how "real" my performance (I mentioned depression in a scene) was and *drumroll* I'm gonna be part of a show with other students next month! :D I'm an animal, you're an animal, we're all animals. Give yourself a chance (actually... make that MANY chances) and don't blame yourself too much when things get awkward. You're not the only responsible for making social situations work. If all parties stick to it, you'll make it.
I have a few close friends from high school but otherwise, I have more online friends. It's way easier to get to know someone without an awkward first impression. Then you can meet up afterwards and they'll already like you and understand your anxiety (if you talk to them about it). It's easier to open up online. Bonus if you make friends with people who are near you/ not too far away so you can actually meet them and they're no longer really just online friends.
I do all these things. And they work. Seriously I figured this stuff out the hard way. Take notes. Do this stuff if you suffer with social anxiety like me.
I was once told a very useful tip by someone and it is if you feel awkward or are trying to get to know someone or say people are talking about something around you and u want to get involved just ASK QUESTIONS!! If they’re talking about how crazy they’re cousin is- what’s wrong them? what happened? why don’t you this? Do you that? It really helps even if you feel like oh I sound stupid not knowing them it’s because well you don’t, and the only way to know about something is to ask questions about- gather info😁
The making eye contact when you are out in public as an exercise to reduce your anxiety toward interacting with others is a great tip that I never thought of before. It is like mini exposure therapy that you can do everywhere without anyone noticing. I am going to try this and make it a point to make casual eye contact on my walks. Thanks and keep up the great videos.
Oh man when you said to try to make eye contact and then went on to say try to make eye contact and smile I started laughing nervously x) This is going to be one long journey but Im hopeful Edit: Could you also do a video for people with trust issues trying to make friends?
Thank you for this Kati. I have struggled with social anxiety for years and it’s something that makes life very difficult and exhausting. I’m very scared of eye contact and getting judged by people or embarrassing myself, so making friends is hard. And then I get so into my head about whether I look like I’m tense/nervous and whether people can tell. These tips are definitely helpful and give me hope I can hopefully overcome my social anxiety some day. I do want to make more friends and interact more in social settings. I try to go to my church groups to interact with people and meet new friends.
Hi from Colombia. I'm just starting college at my 35's and has been the hardest thing in my life. I have generalized anxiety disorder and major depression. Facing my fears i've found out i can do it even though i think i can't.. but sometimes just wanna run away and hide myself when i have to speak in front of my mates. I have thought of quitting but then i know i will dissapoint myself and it'll just get worse. Sorry for my English. Thank you.
Eye contact feels like someone shining a bright light in my face. The number of times I've been called rude for not looking the person in the eye.. omg. Us autistic people listen better when we aren't distracted by that stuff. :)
@@lizlemon9835 Same! Especially at work. A bright light in your eyes is a good way to explain it too, it dries my eyes out. And makes me feel like they're looking into my soul, and reading my thoughts almost haha. Wayy to personal.
thinking about every detail of a gappy memory is called the Thought Stopping technique? Thanks that one is new! Things that helped me out are being really nice to new people who talk to me. That has led to a domini of new friends. I've gone from "Aren't you Randy's Brother?" to Hi, I seen you walking around and I have to know who you are and what's your story?" Plus it heloed that I'm the only one walking around in a orange hat and orange hunting jacket. That wasn't ment to make me friends but to make people see me when I cross the street. I can't see so well so I need them to see me.
I started a new ministry at my church. Took me three yrs to get the church to support me on it but now is pretty cool. I called it " 1st friday of every month meet at a resturant" even with covid we are able to meet out in the patio. I try to have one or two people who are going to show up regardless. And it seems easy
Hey Kati thank you for creating this wonderful video and giving me some tools to use. This is a great topic to talk about. Please do more videos on this topic.
When you mention thinking about happy memory why spiraling into you anxiety I instantly remembered a "Ridiculous" spell from HP to take down dementors who were literally transforming into your worst fear. It seams HP was teaching us coping skills all along!
R.e. the shared activity--just wanted to say that this tip works really well for situational or superficial connection-building, however it's actually not ideal if you're looking for friendships and relationships you want to deepen. Shared context or shared struggle is better for that, hence why army buddies, survivalists, or people who play on pro sports teams tend to have iron clad bonds (not suggesting you have to enlist or go into the wild, just giving examples).
I have friends, just dont hang out with them. We talk for a bit. But i have social anxiety or shy and that makes it cold. The only person i really talk to is someone from my primary..but.. shes.. social. Shes starting to hang out with 2 more people who i talk to justt a tiny bit. And i find it hard to express myself or talk into the convo. So im just there following them. Atleast these experiences will be a good memory for me to laugh at when im 40. Laughing at the negative really makes thing brighter.. how many more years are left... And i cant stand or sit somewhere alone because that affects my anxiety. My life is basically a nerves roller coaster, anxiety, social deprivation, depression all in one. And i still keep it cool..hah.. I have IS ( IS= a class abbreviation) and its all about presentations and debating. You can imagine how thats going to go. Great life
Could you make a video on tips to prepare for interviews with social anxiety or generalized anxiety. I have two interviews today and I only got three hours of sleep last night because I am so anxious for the interviews. Or a video on how to keep a job with anxiety because I know it is extremely difficult for me to keep jobs since I will get really nervous and just never show back up to work.
One reason why I tend to avoid social situations (aside from anxiety, which I do have also) is because I seem to attract people who I DON'T want to be friends with. Then I struggle with being rude to them or saying no. I've had more than one person tell me that I'm a "weirdo magnet" and I think that's true.
Ahh such good timing! Been feeling lonely but too anxious to meet people. Thanks Kati xx
I hope it helps!!! xoxo
LaurenAshley I wish you the best. I always feel anxious meeting people too. One thing I do is volunteer at an animal shelter. Like Kati said, you are around people but doing an activity, like walking dogs or playing with the cats. This helps me feel a sense of belonging, but on my own terms. Im always worried what people think about me, but everyone I've met at the shelter have been so thankful and welcoming.
laurah6381 love this idea 💕
LaurenAshley sending u love ❤️❤️❤️
Same here been thinking I need to make friends but it so hard
i dont avoid social interactions but i am quiet around people and even when there are people that i see regularly i feel like they dont actually like me they just tolerate me
holiday gamer :(
Same here. I think maybe people find me boring /:
Nicole Camile I feel the same way, it’s such a buzz kill
@@NicoleCamileSantosAlexandre Ugh...when that feeling appears!
It seems that we're afraid of being boring. We think that the funnier we are, the higher our social value is, therefore we are accepted or approved.
But, do you remember those feelings when we're actually alone, feeling good and relaxed?
Why don't you try to actively carry those soothing feelings to stay chill during those stressful situations?
At least you're not going to be anxious and boring... Just boring and ok with it... 😊
*@Nicholas Lewis* Here's a great treatment for social anxiety: www.MootSpeak. xyz
I've seen plenty of people talk about how to make friends but I would find it interesting to see something about how to keep friends. I always end up isolating myself from any new friends I make.
Jolina Simon same i hate it so much because I want to keep those friends but i let all my insecurities get the best of me and i end up isolating myself
Keeping friendships is no more complicated than showing that their happiness is important to you, like doing check ins over the phone or making special plans with them (as opposed to last minute hang outs, which isn’t that bad but making plans ahead of time is a good way to let them know they’re important to you). Really the only thing that can get in the way of sustainable friendships is ego or self centered tendencies. And if the problem is losing interest in people generally then that’s something that should definitely get talked through in therapy. Hope this helps 🤗
what helped me was regularly meeting up, mutual self-disclosure, and over time doing more intense activities such as watching movies together or going to different new places together, & generally being interested in each other
That happens to me, my fear of being hurt again makes me ruin opportunities
Me too. Hence me being 45 years old watching this. Lol blah.
Eye contact is so hard.
Scott Dow yeah :(
Scott Dow Ikr when I make eye contact I can’t stop blushing, and I feel so awkward cause I’m not sure how long to hold it for and where to look afterward, then I start spiraling into thoughts like “im too stupid to do something so simple” and “something is seriously wrong with me. I’ll never be good enough”. After the interaction I isolate and replay the whole thing a million times in my head magnifying even the slightest awkward thing I do whilst cringing. Anxiety and embarrassment turns to shame and self-loathing and the cycle starts again.
I tried it out and made a video of what my experience was like! check it out :)
@@societyofone6771 Is your channel called society of one?
@@smartypants1980 yes! click my name it should work!
Stuff I’ve done. 1) Joined a running group. It was terrible when I first turned up, I was physically shaking, but once I started running then conversations just started happening. It’s hard to stay anxious when you’re doing something physically demanding. 2) Go to the events that feel safest, promise yourself that you will stay for an hour regardless of how awkward it is, and bail afterwards if you still want to leave. It’s easier to bear if there is a fixed end time you can call “enough”. 3) Try to talk about how you feel. My boss once asked me what my problem was and I wasn’t expecting it, so I told the truth, that I was always scared everyone would think I was a loser and not want to talk to me. He didn’t laugh like I’d always imaged someone would. He acted like it was a totally normal thing to say and told me very matter-of-a-factly that it wouldn’t happen and that he’d talk to me, so not to worry.
Thank you
I dont have bad social anxiety but I dont like being in large crowds without my headphones or something to do, I do struggle making friends but that's because I'm just generally seen as awkward and weird by people
As far as I know the basis of this anxiety is to fear what people may think of us and and we somehow behave inadequately. Fear of large crowds is something different because you don't really interact with other people but it is noisy, cramped and you get touched so you may be hurt or be stolen from. Agoraphobia basically.
Ryan True I hope some of the tips offered are still helpful :) xox
@@Katimorton they definitly are! Thank you for making this video!
You likely have a group of people who have similar interest. I hope that you find your “tribe”. In most cases, we have more things in common than we think. ❤️
Honestly find another person with social anxiety and bond over it
Hhhhh yeah that will be less intimidating then actually going out
jiya swtu you still have to go out and experience anxiety. But when ur friends with similar issues you are more understanding and sympathetic towards each other.
I started going to an anxiety support group a couple months back and it's been very helpful to connect with people who know the struggle.
Kyle S. Exactly ! Anxiety (and mental illness in general) often make people feel alone an isolated. It is very common though, more common then we sometimes think!
C I love this! I'm an introvert and have always wanted to start a Meetup just for introverts!
This Video screams my name, I just HAD to leave Netflix for this
No but seriously I recently started therapy because of my social phobia, thank you so much
dancing ballerina i hope you’re doing well! 💘 i’m glad you started therapy!
I hope it's helpful!!! xoxo
Good for you!!!
Has the therapy been helpibg? I really want to cure my anxiety
Art Chemist we haven't really done anything yet, at first your therapist needs to get to know you and stuff so there hasn't been a progress yet, but I really hope that my anxiety will get better, I can update you :) Just know that yes, it is a jump into cold water but I personally feel hope for me, so I would totally recommend going to therapy! Sending you much love
Needed this desperately. Can't keep letting generalized anxiety disorder run my life. Thank you!
Awe of course!! I hope the tips and ideas were helpful :) xoxo
lol but my social anxiety is the biggest reason why i'm not in therapy even though i probably need it oops
Mar I know that so well. Haha sucks. I hate when I do that. Now my mom drives me when I have appointments (Since I moved back with my parents). That’s a relief because that ensures that I actually get therapy but sometimes I postpone making them for being emotional or I forget I made an appointment hahaha... now I should set reminders lol
SAME OMG im nervous to even talk with them
Mar social anxiety is the reason I need therapy, but it's also the reason I can't get it. :c sucks
@@chromberries7329 HOLY SHIT ME TOO, thats a great example of social anxiety right there
@@sophieeel4478 ridiculously hard to take that first step but trust me it helps sooo much. good luck!
I use to have so much social anxiety that I was convinced I was an introvert! But after therapy I got over my fear of people and realized I was actually an extrovert ❤️
It’s amazing what you learn about yourself while trying to heal yourself 😊
Great video 👌🏽
For me, introversion is about being drained when around people. I can make conversation and seem like the happiest person in the room, but after an hour or two I'm exhausted and need to re-charge.
Janey Imaani - Emotional Awareness I'm just went to your channel and subscribed ! 😀
laurah6381 awww thanks Laura 💕
laurah6381 to be honest, I feel the same way sometimes especially it’s too much small talk. I have a hard time with small talk 💕
God, why does life have to be so complicated?
dommywommy i know right :(
I honestly think that sometimes life isn’t complicated and it’s the people that make it that way
dommywommy꧂ It wouldn’t be like that in the 80s
a wise person said "Social anxiety is just you making conspiracy theories against yourself."
dommywommy꧂ if i didnt have this shit i would be a baller
i am 19 and i have social anxiety. social anxiety really sucks for anyone who is dealing with it, but it's even worse when you're young and you're expected to be partying and having fun with your friends every day and night.
I wish there was a pill that could take it all away in a second...
mahsa maghferati yeah I’m 15 and because of my social anxiety I only stay at home and binge watch Netflix from when I get home from school to 10 pm at night and is this is the time to say I’ve never been to a mall before :(
You know you have social anxiety when just watching this video and thinking about these things makes you anxious 😬🙃
I love you! For me, it's more that I'm an introvert. I can make eye contact and conversation, but if someone wants to hang out, I tend to avoid it. I'm not sure I can maintain friendships, as I need very little time with people. It physically exhausts me to be social for more than a couple hours. Lots of acquaintances, no real friends....
I feel you! I love my friends, but after hanging out for a few hours, I am exhausted
I volunteer at an animal shelter. It helps me feel connected to something, but at my pace. I've met some wonderful people who share the same values as I do. Honestly, I feel awkward a lot!! But I just fake it till I make it! I think complimenting someone can help with the awkward feeling of meeting new people.
Social anxiety + work at home job = rarely ever meet new people who aren't cashiers.
Five years in a new state and city and it's extremely hard to find people with similar interests.
I tried some gaming group meet-ups but never clicked with anyone. Growing older sucks.
Never give up. Good things take time to happen.
I relocated to a small town in East TX back in 2018 & I have YET to make one single friend out here😮💨. I feel like I'm slowly losing my mind with this much isolation🙈
@@87FloJo east Texas is weird. About as rural as rural can get. Good luck.
I'm afraid that my extreme social anxiety will be my undoing. I really don't know what to do about it.
Speak to a therapist for sure. Exposure therapy is useful too. Best wishes 🙏
ugh me too, i really want to go to a therapist but theyre so expensive
@person 1 Same bro
Same, I can’t talk to people first, especially girls
As she describes social anxiety and phobia I feel like crying. I hit every single point and it’s incredibly validating to know that what I’m feeling is real and acknowledged. And there are people out there who understand! It’s such an isolating feeling sometimes. I’m starting a new job and some anxieties I have about it include not being able to hold conversations or strike up a conversation, people thinking I’m too quiet or young, eating lunch awkwardly lol, or just not doing my job well or like I’m not a good fit for the job. It’s just so debilitating at times. These videos are helping me so much🥺
Also, this job has benefits I’m hoping I can go to therapy about these issues soon. It’s really exciting. Even though this job has a lot of triggering new experiences, it’ll also opening so many doors for my healing.
I strongly recommend board games groups! The reason is, you can feel free to choose to talk or not talk depending on how conformable you feel and it is socially acceptable in this setting. You can just focus on the game and don't say anything. No pressure. It was a miracle solution for me when I struggled with low mood and anxiety.
I have this friend... She hangs out with me for almost 2 years.. but I know this won't last long. I'm the problem here. She has good communication skills, she is funny and always makes me laugh, but I can't never make her laugh. Yet she still chose to hang out with me, listened to my problems, comforting me, and she never look down on others, and that makes me slowly falling for her. Fortunately during the summer she confessed to me that she liked me, but at the time I haven't viewed her as more than a friend yet and I'm also scared because my parents are homophobic and I'm confused with my feelings. So I rejected her ... I didn't regret ... Because even if I accepted her confess, I know that once we got back to school, our relationship won't last long. This year I found myself even more boring than last year, I can't even do small talks now and always shut down. She attempted to talk to me on the first week of school, I wanted to talk to her, real bad, but nothing popped in my mind, she did try to flirt to me, but all of my responses are silence. And so... Everything always has its ending... She grew tired of it on the second week, she no longer attempting to start a conversation with me anymore, she no longer trynna flirt with me, and she's made new friends and took interested on a new girl who can make her laugh. What can I say? It's all my fault, I'm just too boring and can't socialize at all. Who would be interested in someone like me? She had been trying for so long, and ofc she had to give up. she's still being nice to me and treat me with respect, and that's what I hate the most.. I just feel like crying even more whenever she does that, it's like we go from friends to classmates now. I just hope she just ignores me, I don't want her to treat me nice and makes me have my hopes up that she's still interested in me.
lately I try to remember that it is okay to feel awkward and it is okay that other people think you are awkward. the people who laugh at you aren't people you want to be friends with, and honestly, when I see an awkward person, I always see a potential friend, because at least I know for sure we have one thing in common: feeling awkward.
The tip about getting together with people whom you have something in common with is really good. I have social anxiety, but I joined a writing group. My husband encouraged me to go, because I almost flaked out. I didn't talk at the first meeting, but the more I tried interacting, the easier it got, and now they call me the favorite of the group! I've never been the favorite anything before.
As I social anxiety recoverer, I wish I had this video when I had social anxiety. Even now, a year after I had recovered, I still realise how much I isolated myself during it, how much I missed out socially. I’m still learning and working on my socialising, especially small talk😉. The aftermath lives on, but I’m so glad that I’m no longer struggling with social anxiety. So, people with social anxiety out there, don’t give up, keep trying and smile more! I know it’s cliche but it’s true. Moreover, thank you Kati for this video😘.
did therapy help or what?
Thank you for this video I struggle so much with social anxiety, and I’ve lost a lot of my friends recently and feeling extremely alone 😔🖤
Same
Felix Cat I’m sorry you have to go through that :(
Same I have extreme social anxiety I don’t have any friends at all :( I binge watch Netflix all day
We're in the same basket dude
I'm trying to get the courage to call a therapist and make an appointment. I've struggled with social anxiety for so long and I want to get better. I'm just scared....
Dude!!! Do it!!! I cannot express enough how glad you will be! I can practically GUARANTEE that you will see the benefits after just one visit!!! (But go to more than one! 😂💯)
Always start with the least amount. Just do that. Like..."just" find a dr you are interested in. Once you get past that, you can commit to "just" making the appt. Don't even commit to attending the appt, just making it. (Calling to cancel if you don't go is nice, if you can!) Once the appt is set, work on attending. Keep making those "just" promises. Good luck! You can do this!!! xo
Rio Q yeah me too I want t get therapy but I’m scared
Would a text based therapy option work better for you as a start? Thankfully there are more flexible therapy options than there used to be.
I know the whole process is scary all over & fear can be paralyzing, but even awareness is progress, so woohoo! :)
It’s hard to tell from your comment if you’re afraid to make the phone call or actually have the appointment (or both) but I always go to therapists who make appointments through email. Because Lord knows I can’t make phone calls. I encourage you to push yourself and try it though, therapy has saved/changed my life for the better. You can do it!
Rio Q you got this!!! 💪🏼❤️
Narcissists drawn to me...1 way relationship friendships..😩😩😩..it is because I grew up in a dysfunctional family and I'm empathic
Ana, me too. It's really hard. I know. 😕
Same girl I feel you 😭
Same
Me too
Things that help some was a suggestion from my pal. It was ingenious.
1. Smile, wake, look up, talk to people.
1.1 if the person knows your name in a school/work setting don’t panic
2. (Nicely) find interesting things in people
3. (Nicely) tell them the interesting things
4. Do this all the time.
5. The eye contact has nothing to do with this
Hard at times but it can get easier
i have social anxiety bad. To the point where i would absolutely love to make new friends and be around new people but when i have that opportunity i try to dodge it. I feel very awkward and just want to leave. I've always been a quiet person though, i'm a good listener. I'd rather listen to conversations then talk. It's usually talked about, which makes it worse...i'm a very friendly person, i just wish i could get over it but it seems very hard for me.
This is so relatable 😔
I’m actually great with strangers and love making a brief but meaningful connection. Where I have trouble is with groups of people. I hate that. I feel like everyone is dancing and I don’t have rhythm. I like going deep while most people don’t, so it weirds them out. I also run out of my social battery and just want to go home
I've had anxiety attachs for a long time, but because of my personality, it went unnoticed until recently. I'm getting help for it now but sometimes, it is really really hard to over come. I think these things are very helpful, as I am thinking back to a time when I did just this. I was standing in line for my sister's concert and I was having an anxiety/panic attach and my head was filled with a thousand what if questions. And I could feel the room caving in on me. I felt alone, wanted to go home. Wanted someone there to distract me. So I texted my friend and told her ever little detail that was going on, but my phone is not active out side of WiFi so she never got it. But then another lady joined the line I made and started to talk to me. Never met her before, but through talking to her, I was able to calm down and not feel so anxious. I'm not sure she realized how much help she was for me that night.
Very cool! That is what we all need to keep reminding ourselves...it's just that first step or two that suck...once we are engaging, it is usually infinitely better!
:(
I have SAD and I can say that the best, longest lasting friends I've ever had we made while being a member of a club of some kind. The types of people that typically join volunteer or community service organizations are typically the type of people that will be friendly towards you. It's not always the case that they will like you but you can bond with some people better because you aren't just talking the whole time.
I pretend it's ok to make friends with everyone. It's very taxing on me though. I feel exhausted and would much rather be with just one person at a time.
Krysten K yeah it would be easier
Same
You just gave me motivation to go to the grocery store today:) I tend to get really anxious before grocery shopping but these tips were awesome
Reagan it seems so silly to most people but I can’t even go outside to get mail outside the house sometimes :/ so good job!
Julia E you’re not alone! I do the same thing. I know I’ve had a tough few days when I finally go to the mailbox and it’s stuffed!
Small things build confidence. Keep up the good work!!
I have no problem making acquaintances, but actual friends has been a lifelong struggle for me. Even when I get involved in a common activity, I seem to never build a relationship with acquaintances that goes beyond that activity.
fadnama I have people I’m work friends with but I never quite get beyond that. I never get up the nerve to go on a “friend date”
Great tip for making eye contact easier: you can pick one eye of the person you're interacting with and just look into that one eye. Doing this will never telegraph to the other person what you're doing - it will still appear as if you're looking into both eyes.
One more freebie: if you find yourself over thinking about how long to hold eye contact before it becomes awkward; look at their eye long enough until you can see the color or colors and pattern of their iris. This will take about 3-5 seconds, then break eye contact for a moment and switch eyes and look at the other one. Rinse and repeat.
I don't know if it's still social anxiety, but i love large groups of people and clubs because technically I could spend a whole hour in a large group and not have to say one word because everyone else is speaking, but when it comes down to one-on-one interactions even sometimes with people i'm really close to i get so anxious because I feel like I'm being analyzed and I feel the pressure to talk
I'm the complete opposite haha
Same!! It's the one on one that scares me 😭
That part when you said I feel analyzed I relate to that
Thank you, Kati! I always feel like people who give advice to those with social anxiety are talking down to us or don’t really get it, but you manage to be friendly and make the listener feel like part of the process rather than just following orders. You do some really great work! thanks again! 💕
I haven’t even started working on my social anxiety with my therapist, but just attending therapy is helping it tremendously!!! Talking to the receptionists and therapist forces me out of my comfort zone and now i make an effort to greet the receptionist when i come in every week😃 i also started nannying as my part-time college job, and interacting with kids helps my social anxiety a lot because they tend to not be judgmental and are easy to talk too!
Hey...you made it through High School! Lol! You deserve big props for that! College students are so much more chill! You've got this!!! Going to therapy will be great help! Wish everyone would/could find a therapist! xo
SimpLee Beth Thank you for your kind words!!!😊
"Start with someone you work with..."
"...ask things like what kind of work they do."
Perfect combo.
This video is so calming and I watch it any time I feel like my anxiety is spiraling out of control
These are some really helpful tips! Thank you so much Kati! I have social anxiety and often it talks me out of social events and makes me overthink about past situations. The thing that helps me the most is when I'm able to prepare ahead of time for a social event such as getting to know the location, what will happen at the event and what to expect, then my anxiety is decreased somewhat and I'm less likely to have a panic attack.
I use the forced eye contact method a lot. It's actually been really helpful because nothing bad ever happens and it's starting to feel more normal.
I'm required to interact with people significantly more this year, so I have to deal with all of that a lot more (with varying success). Thanks for the encouraging tips ❤ always so appreciated. I might need to try this thought stopping thing 😊
I just realised I don't have social anxiety, I just don't like humans.
Me too
Facts
I'm 44, male, I've been told that I may have APD. Still I enrolled in Salsa/ Swing dance classes because I moved to a new city.
You don't have to have a partner, and if you only want private class, you can. Although eventually you will be asked to join the group class. At some points you will be asked to perform at bigger and bigger events but only if you want to.
I have struggled a bit, particularly at larger events I have shut down and clammed up. I still haven't managed to go to a nite club by myself, but knowing how to dance has tapped me into a world wide social group and I don't feel nervous when a personal social event happens to pop up in my life be it a friends wedding or Christmas dance. I am still struggling a bit, but I recognize that anytime you learn anything, you make yourself better.
Arthur Murray dance studios are awesome and just about everywhere
I can like classes enough, even though I'm pretty much never attracted to anyone in them, but actual dances and clubs suck in a multitude of ways.
Once again, you have touched on a topic that hits home for me. My social anxiety came about after a 3 month hospital stay. Being by myself for so long has turned me into a recluse. I have been trying some of the things that you mentioned today and I am hoping to build a new friend base. Thank you for your continued work helping everyone listening Kati. I really appreciate it.
This makes perfect sense! It is evidence that emulsion therapy is a smart way to go. You just got fragile. You need to build up that thick skin you once had. These tips are perfect for you!!! Good luck! xo
my therapist always mentioned the idea of “comfort zone”. trying to expand that from, for example, just your room, to your room and school, to maybe your room, school, and a park.. and kinda slowly teaching yourself to become calm and comfortable in more situations and physical spaces. she always told me that the smaller my “comfort zone” becomes, the more anxiety i have, which i found true. helped me put it into perspective AND motivate me to work on it! hope that makes sense...
I developed social anxiety, generalized anxiety disorder, BPD, OCD & panick attacks in my late 20s due to years of emotional and psychological abuse by women. University was my safe haven. Once I left the gates of heaven (graduated) & had to start working & interacting with nasty, evil, sly, jealous female bullies in the workplace, that's when everything went to hell with my mental and emotional health. Your videos are the best. I watch them almost daily. Thank you for posting them.
Honestly I needed to hear this. I thought it was just me who beats themselves by rethinking every conversation. It’s gotten me through some bad spiral and when people notice, I get awkward more so and don’t know how to continue the conversation. That’s where my social anxiety magnifies. If I had conversation starters planned before the social event, and maybe even put them down in my notes on my phone app to look at, It can save me during those spirals. That’s my next video. Thank you for making this video!! 💚
sounds like me in school. I had no idea for about ten years or so that I had anxiety. No one else noticed it either. They just thought I was shy.
Oh my gosh this was so helpful. I’m 19 and my ptsd gives me so much anxiety when meeting new people. Making friends as an adult is really hard lol
Thank you Kati for understanding our problems. I'm 18 with crazy social anxiety but I hope watching your video helps 😊
Hi Katie! I’ve been taking your tip and putting it into action of making eye contact and smiling while I’m shopping or at the gym...and you know what? It feels liberating! Yes, it was an intimidating thought at first, but the more you do it, the more it becomes easier. Sometimes, ppl don’t smile or avert their eyes, but many make eye contact as well and even smile or say ‘hi’ back. It’s like a muscle, the more I practice doing it, the easier it gets to resist not doing it. Thank you ❤️
Oh god.
Kati - try to make eye contact with a stranger
Me - pauses video to do breathing exercises
I’m 34 and suffer from Anxiety, Loneliness and Depression which has stopped me making friends and leaving home.
same...
Same I get ta
Ya***
I have been really down recently. Always feel like crying, thinking I have wasted my life and having no friends.
Thank you for the advice Kati. I'm thirty-five and have been dealing with SA since childhood. I find working on it DOES help, but it never really goes away. I hope my peer support group helps!
What if my anxiety is the act of look for a job? I get panic attacks even when I try to check job offer pages.
tsukigalleta practice positive self talk and write down why you deserve a job or why you are a good candidate. Like your skills and strong points. Also try to think of yourself as the honey and the job is the bee! They need You
@@taylorbarnett1199 That's a really sweet reply, thank you very much! It's easier said than done, but I'm gonna try :)
tsukigalleta I have the same exact problem. It’s gotten much better since I’ve been working on it in therapy but its still super stressful. What I’ve done in the past is work for a temp company because they will look for work for you. That way you get experience and you can try out a bunch of different types of jobs to see what you like. Also, sometimes you get hired on by a company you’re temping with. Hope this helps!!! ❤️
@@_just_TK Thank you so much! The problem is in my country finding a job (even a lousy job) is not an easy task. We don't have the luxury to choose. And one of my latest experiences was devastating. I went to a kind of course where they help you find a job, train you to know how to do it, and after the first class I received a call from the teacher telling me she felt I wasn't well to take the course and it was better if I didn't. My already low self-esteem went straight to the ground.
@@tsukigalleta
Presumably, the whole reason you even bothered to sign up for such a course was to improve your skills regarding landing a job? If I'm even slightly correct, that implies the job of this 'teacher' was to *help you improve.*
Surely, if you were already confident in doing the whole job-seeking spiel, you wouldn't have risked 1) further anxiety and 2) taking time away from getting a job for this whole thing.
As far as I'm concerned (for whatever that's worth), that teacher was totally out of line for saying such a thing to you. Clearly, they don't give a flying one as long as _they_ get paid.
Better luck in the future.
I have learned that most people will be really cool about social anxiety if you are upfront about it. Personally, I just push past the fear to get a conversation rolling by introducing myself, giving a sincere compliment, and asking about their interests. If they stop and ask about me, I usually mention I'm working on expanding my social circle and pushing myself out of my comfort zone. Most people are completely understanding of this and will go out of their way to make you feel more welcome. Thats when my anxiety fades away.
Oh my gosh thank you for this video! This has been consuming me! I still have trouble making certain appointments, been avoiding the hairdresser for a year now and still haven't had my tap fixed because I can't call my landlord and my friends don't know why I don't just do it.
It's been a long time now, I feel like I haven't smiled in ages but I keep hanging in there. It gets better over time when you work on it.
Can you do topics on learning disabilities. I suffer from some learning disabilities and its not a topic many speaks about.
Thanks!
Hey Kati, I'd love for you to do a continuation of this, how to date people when you have social anxiety. It's something I've been struggling with recently.
The joining communities one is very true and helps A LOT, for example, I love this group called BTS, and the community itself is very large, and I struggle with Social Anxiety so speaking to new people out in public is extremely hard for me, however sometimes people spot the photocards/stickers of BTS on my phone, and we instantly strike up a conversation about BTS, and I feel so relieved and relaxed knowing that we share something in common. I'm trying to better myself, and I really really want to get rid of my social anxiety, I'll take your tips into consideration and I'll try to push myself a bit more, I do hope to improve, thanks for your videos!
i struggled with s.a.d . since i was 13. im 32 now and i just kind of grew out of it. i dont really care what people think of me as much as i use to.
Oh this is great. I was at church and the talked about helping people and I thought, well that ain't going to happen with me. People think I'm weird. Then they talked about the difference a smile can make. So I tried looking strangers in the eye and smiling. I stop feeling crap because they look up and smile back. They feel better and I've done something good for them and myself. I can't do this all the time emotionally I'm not always up to it. But it helps when I do
It just feels like this impossible thing. Like it’s so far away. It’s been a long time since I actually made a real effort to go out and make friends. I’m going to high school next year and I want to join sports. There’s so much I want to do but I feel so anxious. I don’t know if I’ll ever be the type to do sports and make friends and make mistakes.
I have Social Anxiety, but I don't have trouble making friends. My problem lays more in communicating with people, in a professional manner, and anything relating to a phone. I would go out of my way, if it meant I could talk to people in a way other than the phone.
I also, have a problem in wanting to be social, a lot of the time, but I'm pretty sure that's more related to my depression than it is the anxiety. I also have general anxiety, so that doesn't help either.
I relate to the phone thing. I'd much rather confront someone about something in person than by phone.
I live at home with my parents. We had a big family get together for Memorial Day and I stayed in my room the entire time playing video games. The thought of talking to other people, even family, makes me feel extremely nervous and nauseous. There’s times where the family get together is at a different location. When this happens, I stay in the car and play on my phone the entire time, so I don’t have to talk to people. That said, I have a full time job and could move out and support myself. I feel like living at home could be hindering my socializing. Either way, I should probably see a doctor 🤔
Im joining a club in my college for the first time and God! I’m scared to go in and stay in the room where all the members usually gather. But I pushed myself to sit in there and do my own work. I want to talk with people, to be honest. But I still don’t have the gut to start any conversation with them yet, even making eye contact with them is hard. I feel like i want them to feel that im invisible. But... that’s not what I ‘actually’ want. The true wish of myself is to be good at socializing with people. Im still trying now btw, and i tell myself that it takes time. I should be proud for being able take that step to sit in that room even though i dont talk to people. I love myself 💕 Thanks Kati for this wonderful video and tips!
I love your videos so much!!! I’ve had social anxiety for a longgg time and it’s so hard to meet people, but I’ve definitely improved within the last couple years and I have even done talks in front a bunch of people at school and stuff and mental health! A little progress every day goes a long way :)
i love the eye contact thing, it really works magically
I make most of my friends at a clubhouse day program and a church I have attended. I have worked on learning social cues and am a lot better at making and keeping friends. I used to have more "weird" behaviors that made me lose friends or make it harder to make friends. I'm a lot better but I also have other issues. I'm proud that I have made a few friends in the community. I still have mannerisms but people seem to understand I'm trying. Great video as usual.
I have social anxiety, but the easiest way for me to make friends it's online. I can get past my anxiety and awkwardness and most of the time I'm good after that. By that point I'm comfortable with the person and I'm good at taking to the person in person. But that also depends on how long that I talk to the person. Even hen, I get a little nervous when I'm first around he person but I can warm up a lot easier that way
Marissa Albertson pretty name, also wouldn’t it be great if there was a place we’re people with social anxiety could make friends online and yeah me too I can’t get pasted my anxiety
@@d.v2796 thank you. I actually am on an app called Patook, and I have run into a bunch of people who openly admits that they have anxiety and have a hard time making friends in person. It would be neat if there was an app just for people with social anxiety, but that is the best I have run into
Omg I’ve been needing this for so long!! It’s like you read my mind 😩
I've been in therapy for years to overcome my social anxiety and in my heart I know the progress I have made, I can see how I can go out and do things that once left me crying and having an attack, but I have recently moved to a different state that I only know my husband in. I feel really lonely that I only have my husband to talk to every day but the thought of going out somewhere to meet people is absolutely terrifying. He has introduced me to his friends in the area but none of them are people that I really connect with, and most of them are males, which is another social trigger for me. I also have issues with becoming socially exhausted when I am around people. It's like I want to meet people and hang out but when I do I am just waiting for it to be over so I can come home and nap. My introverted personality and my anxiety limits how I can comfortably express how I feel and I am always terrified of reaching out to friends out of fear that I am their annoying friend that they can't get rid of. I hate when I try to explain this to my husband because he just suggests to 'get out more' and that I 'can meet people if I speak up more during group conversations" but it is so easy for him, he is so social he could make friends with a brick wall and be content. I would love some suggestions on how to get over myself and to meet people in realistic settings without it being forced.
I can't even explain how long I've been waiting for this.
I've had social anxiety ever since i was a teenager and i thought i would never get over it, but then my grandmother got really sick and i had to deal with a lot of things for her, talk to nurses, doctors and a lot of other stuff... it helped a lot with my social anxiety... a terrible situation forced me to deal with my social anxiety. I still suffer from it, but everytime i'm getting too nervous i think to myself "i've been on new experiences before and they turned out ok, this will work out as well"... making friends is still awkward lol but i'm trying!
I just want to share something that has been helping me lately.
If you're seeing a therapist it's likely that you are trying really hard not to listen to your cognitive distortions (my therapist calls them "twisted thoughts"). You're probably trying really hard not to jump to conclusions about other people, to loosen some of your boundaries. However, that's not the case for everyone you're interacting with and it's not your fault if they make that mistake. If the boundaries you seemed to cross are irrational, it sucks but it's not your responsibility.
This happens a lot when you're "different". Tribal instincts are in our nature and you might be at the other end of the stick. Still, unless there's a real stick (actual threats or harassment), stay strong, they'll get used to you in time as well. Like you, as long as they want to (consciously or not), they'll get desensitized to the differences or even find value in them.
I have a french-canadian sarcastic and punchy sense of humor and that doesn't always work out well with anglo-canadians (cultural differences), even in a comedy club. I got put on the spot a lot for "moral" reasons during improv lessons that I was paying to attend. It was really hard at first and I wanted to give up and isolate myself again and again but I didn't. I went back week after week. I talked to my therapist and expressed myself calmly (in writing) to key figures in private. I made compromises and so did they over time. Things are really fun, I'm chatting with other students. The other day someone said they were impressed at how "real" my performance (I mentioned depression in a scene) was and *drumroll* I'm gonna be part of a show with other students next month! :D
I'm an animal, you're an animal, we're all animals. Give yourself a chance (actually... make that MANY chances) and don't blame yourself too much when things get awkward. You're not the only responsible for making social situations work. If all parties stick to it, you'll make it.
I have a few close friends from high school but otherwise, I have more online friends. It's way easier to get to know someone without an awkward first impression. Then you can meet up afterwards and they'll already like you and understand your anxiety (if you talk to them about it). It's easier to open up online. Bonus if you make friends with people who are near you/ not too far away so you can actually meet them and they're no longer really just online friends.
This is a great video! I suffer from social anxiety (amongst other things). This is great advice!
I do all these things. And they work. Seriously I figured this stuff out the hard way. Take notes. Do this stuff if you suffer with social anxiety like me.
Great video! Lots of helpful tips. I'm going to try to say good morning to co-workers this morning.
That's so good! ❤
I was once told a very useful tip by someone and it is if you feel awkward or are trying to get to know someone or say people are talking about something around you and u want to get involved just ASK QUESTIONS!! If they’re talking about how crazy they’re cousin is- what’s wrong them? what happened? why don’t you this? Do you that? It really helps even if you feel like oh I sound stupid not knowing them it’s because well you don’t, and the only way to know about something is to ask questions about- gather info😁
The making eye contact when you are out in public as an exercise to reduce your anxiety toward interacting with others is a great tip that I never thought of before. It is like mini exposure therapy that you can do everywhere without anyone noticing. I am going to try this and make it a point to make casual eye contact on my walks. Thanks and keep up the great videos.
Oh man when you said to try to make eye contact and then went on to say try to make eye contact and smile I started laughing nervously x)
This is going to be one long journey but Im hopeful
Edit: Could you also do a video for people with trust issues trying to make friends?
ME TOO i started giggling out of nervousness
Thank you for this Kati. I have struggled with social anxiety for years and it’s something that makes life very difficult and exhausting. I’m very scared of eye contact and getting judged by people or embarrassing myself, so making friends is hard. And then I get so into my head about whether I look like I’m tense/nervous and whether people can tell. These tips are definitely helpful and give me hope I can hopefully overcome my social anxiety some day. I do want to make more friends and interact more in social settings. I try to go to my church groups to interact with people and meet new friends.
When you said “make eye contact with a stranger”
My heart started racing 😬
Hi from Colombia. I'm just starting college at my 35's and has been the hardest thing in my life. I have generalized anxiety disorder and major depression. Facing my fears i've found out i can do it even though i think i can't.. but sometimes just wanna run away and hide myself when i have to speak in front of my mates. I have thought of quitting but then i know i will dissapoint myself and it'll just get worse. Sorry for my English. Thank you.
Social Anxiety + Autism = Eye contact is incredibly hard and scary
Sara Anne Ditto!
Eye contact feels like someone shining a bright light in my face. The number of times I've been called rude for not looking the person in the eye.. omg. Us autistic people listen better when we aren't distracted by that stuff. :)
@@lizlemon9835 Same! Especially at work. A bright light in your eyes is a good way to explain it too, it dries my eyes out. And makes me feel like they're looking into my soul, and reading my thoughts almost haha. Wayy to personal.
Thank you.
I'm so glad this channel exists and you're very charismatic
thinking about every detail of a gappy memory is called the Thought Stopping technique? Thanks that one is new!
Things that helped me out are being really nice to new people who talk to me. That has led to a domini of new friends. I've gone from "Aren't you Randy's Brother?" to Hi, I seen you walking around and I have to know who you are and what's your story?" Plus it heloed that I'm the only one walking around in a orange hat and orange hunting jacket. That wasn't ment to make me friends but to make people see me when I cross the street. I can't see so well so I need them to see me.
I started a new ministry at my church. Took me three yrs to get the church to support me on it but now is pretty cool. I called it
" 1st friday of every month meet at a resturant"
even with covid we are able to meet out in the patio.
I try to have one or two people who are going to show up regardless. And it seems easy
Hey Kati thank you for creating this wonderful video and giving me some tools to use. This is a great topic to talk about. Please do more videos on this topic.
When you mention thinking about happy memory why spiraling into you anxiety I instantly remembered a "Ridiculous" spell from HP to take down dementors who were literally transforming into your worst fear. It seams HP was teaching us coping skills all along!
Julia Kubiak PotterHeads for life!!!!! ❤️❤️
R.e. the shared activity--just wanted to say that this tip works really well for situational or superficial connection-building, however it's actually not ideal if you're looking for friendships and relationships you want to deepen. Shared context or shared struggle is better for that, hence why army buddies, survivalists, or people who play on pro sports teams tend to have iron clad bonds (not suggesting you have to enlist or go into the wild, just giving examples).
I have friends, just dont hang out with them. We talk for a bit. But i have social anxiety or shy and that makes it cold. The only person i really talk to is someone from my primary..but.. shes.. social. Shes starting to hang out with 2 more people who i talk to justt a tiny bit. And i find it hard to express myself or talk into the convo. So im just there following them. Atleast these experiences will be a good memory for me to laugh at when im 40. Laughing at the negative really makes thing brighter.. how many more years are left... And i cant stand or sit somewhere alone because that affects my anxiety. My life is basically a nerves roller coaster, anxiety, social deprivation, depression all in one. And i still keep it cool..hah.. I have IS ( IS= a class abbreviation) and its all about presentations and debating. You can imagine how thats going to go. Great life
Could you make a video on tips to prepare for interviews with social anxiety or generalized anxiety. I have two interviews today and I only got three hours of sleep last night because I am so anxious for the interviews.
Or a video on how to keep a job with anxiety because I know it is extremely difficult for me to keep jobs since I will get really nervous and just never show back up to work.
One reason why I tend to avoid social situations (aside from anxiety, which I do have also) is because I seem to attract people who I DON'T want to be friends with. Then I struggle with being rude to them or saying no. I've had more than one person tell me that I'm a "weirdo magnet" and I think that's true.