Secrets in the Unconscious (Social Awkwardness and Childhood Trauma - 6 Tips)
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- čas přidán 16. 05. 2024
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I had to unlearn compulsive lying. nowadays I still catch myself lying but it's down by 80% already.
GOOD ON YA!!!
Lying to keep safe as a child is a coping mechanism, and I'm sorry you endured a childhood that led you there. You are resilient and have introspection. That, friend, is amazing 👏
@@katrina3560 thank you, I'm work in progress
Is that really true? (JK-I had to go there :0)
@@solala1312 💜
I feel like when people look at me, they see a loser. Because that’s how my family members see me.
💔
Same. I left mine 💪 🎉
@@sjla2009 I can’t leave mine. My demon brother signed legal documents that force me into a permanent relationship with him 😱😱😱 I would rather be DEAD 💀😭😭
@@sjla2009 You’re lucky you could. I’m attached to them, against my will.
@@LittleLulubeeSorry does that mean you live with them and are dependent on them?
Repairing privacy is so so so important
I always felt like I wasn't normal. And I would worry that people noticed it.
I was brought up hiding my mental illness and abuse. So I would stay deathly silent and I always came across stupid and self absorbed. Instead of people realizing I was told I was over sensitive and that no one needed to know 'our business'. I ended up so anxiety filled I was convinced everyone knew how awful and worthless I was so I would stare at my clothing and avoid eye contact with everyone.
Same humiliated for being humiliated
Evil ppl, I order to me around these "gods" I must agree to be less then human
The gift of pain that keeps on giving
I am sorry. ❤ I used to wonder why I couldn’t make eye contact, especially when receiving criticism. Even compliments, I always felt I could not look someone in the eyes, usually for fear I would get tears in my eyes and the person would see and say something negative about me again. I always get on my twins’s level ( they are 5) and I look them in the eyes when they talk to me. I want them to know that they have no worry of fear or rejection.
This is a huge thing for me. I never even thought about it before. I had to watch it repeatedly to let it sink in. It explains some of why I am somewhat fearful or hesitant in social situations. I think it might be from my covert narcissistic mother who would often presume my thoughts or feelings in a way that would make me think that she knew what I was thinking or feeling better than I did.
I've had tics (from Tourette's) since I was 4 years old. They never sought help for me with that, but instead became my first bullies. They used making fun of my tics as a way to try to make me stop. I could sense their shame and internalized that I should also feel ashamed. I've always felt painfully awkward, like everyone is paying a lot more attention to me than they likely are.
Fellow neurodivergent here (OCD & ADHD), I know the feeling and sending a virtual hug.
My cousin has tics with his Tourette’s as well, his father said it was in his head and he didn’t need help for it, if he would ignore it.. but obviously that isn’t how it works and he is better now that he is an adult who can get help from a doctor. Our parents can think they know it all, and they don’t and it should have been okay for them not to know it all. ❤
It wasn't substance abuse or sexual abuse, it was religious abuse, where the entire community of churchgoers reinforced the idea that my innermost thoughts were on full display, seen everywhere in broad daylight and darkest night by an angry God just waiting to pummel me for the least infraction. I'm 63 years old now, and I still haven't recovered from this crap, even though I started deconstructing 15 years ago.
Thanks, Mom and Dad. (But they were victims, too, as my sister is wont to point out any time it comes up.)
There are other versions of this, like the Universe knows what you think and feel and will punish with bad karma
On the other hand, my parents raised us with no morals. I had no boundaries and did whatever I wanted. That is also abuse and I find structure in my relationship with my higher power. ( Not 12 steps though, those rooms trigger me big time).
@@Andrea-HeIsKing why do they trigger you?
@@frv6610 there are many toxic people in them with no idea that making amends to people who did you harm will result in more trauma. I've had many years of trying 12 steps and most of those who " make it" are very narcissistic.
As a child, I was acutely aware of how dependent I was on my parents. I understood the control and power they had over every aspect of my life. Much of my childhood felt like a tightrope walk and required my ‘perfect child ‘ performance. The contradictory messages of my parents made clear I was a pawn of sorts in their relationship. I refused loyalty to either side and must have been a “challenging child” to raise ~ always questioning inconsistencies in their separate and conflicting directives to me. Fortunately, younger siblings arrived on the scene to distract the parents and I was able to ‘fly below the radar’ - so to speak, as long as I got good grades and never caused ‘trouble.’ Always speak truth to power…
But a narcissistic mum does talk a lot behind your back without your permission and spills the beans on everything private and even adds lies to get more attention. I always wonder what people are thinking about me after my mum pays them a visit or offers reasons of my behaviour behind my back. I can never double-check with people cause I'm not sure what they know ! So damaging and draining.
I am obove 70 yo and still have to take meds for the nightmares...always about my narc mother
@@LR-yu3mx My heart goes out to you. These are unhealed generational traumas being passed down to us. It stopped with me 1. Because I healed myself 2. I decided not to have kids. Hugs
@@LR-yu3mx❤ I am sorry
At 66 yrs I am pretty successful. My whole extended family are surprised. I realise now it is due to my mum and things she said to them. (Dressed up as concern, of course). Unfortunately shit tends to stick! No skin off my nose though, I don’t need that nest of snakes.
@@trudibarraclough478 Me too, I have moved to another continent 20 years ago and have my own business and enjoying life in the French Riviera. But when mother's day roles around, I can't help but to admire all those around me and how wholesome the mother-daughter relationship is supposed to be. To me the biggest loss in this lifetime for a child is not to have experienced the love and closeness of a real adoring mum. Oh well, we can't have it all. Perhaps in my next life.
You've touched on a subject/symptom of childhood trauma that I can't put the proper words to in order to learn more - it's the idea that as a child every adult felt omnipotent.
For a long time, that assummed belief did not go away. As the belief faded, the feeling never did and instead settled into a constant low level paranoia of "but they could find out if they wanted to" even if I no longer cognitively believed in the omnipotence of others.
Is there a name or better common descriptor for this concept?
I always thought no one would want me.
This really resonated with me. I’ve been called, “creepy,” “weird”, and “off,” my whole life.
It hurts so much.
Narc abuse also causes this. Lot's of shaming going on in that kind of setting.
You're being silenced in many ways, then you may wonder if your silence is because you're boring.
I think that is 100% true. But the reality is you are anything but boring. Narcissists can be so jealous and cruel and they love to play mind games.
@@sueg2658 Thanks for the kind words! You're right of course, but that's something that needs to land over time
It’s a feeling of shame that I carry
Sketchy, creepy, nasty, weird. Yep. It’s like a leaky bag of emotions that disturbs the present moment. But it’s good because it’s coming up to be seen and loved and released. Not easy. At all.
When I was 11 (just developing abstract thought) I caught myself thinking that no one would want to come to my state, and everyone would hate it here, because I liked it, and based on my kid-brain theory, I thought me liking a thing would taint it and make it unlikable.
With my newly grown abstract thought I recognized that was an illogical thought, so I started working on it. But I keep finding the crumbs of the thought in the corners of my brain even still.
One example is: I intentionally would only choose crushes on guys who everyone else had a crush on because that wouldn't hurt their self image as much if people found out about it. And I'd keep my real crush a secret.
This one's a hard one for me because I really relate to what you're saying there was a lot of sketchy shit that happened to me, or at least around me in my presence as a kid in for whatever reason I feel connected to it like it's my fault it's hard to separate it all
Anytime I’m good at something people initially bail me as great and then squint and start looking at me like I’m super sketchy. I was a sober very good kid and good adult with serious fears of minor mess ups.
There was nothing sketchy to see. But people made up sketchy things about me.
It did usually happen after I talked about how my skills are usually because anyone can try hard and we all can achieve great things. But what I think I’m saying usually is not what other people ever hear.
I bet I have plenty of what Patrick is revering to as background files. I bet I have so many. Oh boy. Still got a lot of work to do.
I've come to conclude that I'm repellent, though I'm attractive and intelligent, have many conversations with normal people and Friends that disengage quickly. Heard a caller who was an expert on a strange planet podcast who explained after being asked what do your friends think of you? He explained people don't like me, it was an epiphany for me. Not all people don't like me but at 58 I've noticed, especially since the shot propaganda when I was skeptical and when voicing it the disengagement walls up reaction was heightened
I don’t click with a lot of people either. I’m learning to look at it more positively though. The reality is that I simply don’t have much in common with others. I have different interests and very different life experiences. I’m not interested in going along with the group just to fit in. Perhaps early childhood trauma makes us think outside the box. I definitely don’t trust automatically, especially authority figures, government, doctors, etc. I’m observant and analyze what people say vs their actions. I tend to stand up and respond when I see someone else being treated poorly. Now I’m learning to do that for myself too. I don’t see myself as repellant anymore, just unique, sincere, and compassionate. I know there are other people like me out there somewhere. People who will appreciate me just as I am. And I don’t mind playing the lone wolf either. I’m used to it and it feels more comfortable.
Thoughtful comments. I hear you ❤
As a mother of two, who unconsciously recreated my childhood nightmare abuse by marrying a guy who saw himself as a "good catch" and told me he was" interviewing" women who could hack the international expat life he intended to follow, like his 2 prior generations did (you have to talk to my mom about living abroad he said, while hiding the fact that his father's 2 hour calls to him, which he didn't disclose, were because his mother was having another mental breakdown cloaked in an alcoholic depression).
It sounded like a fun adventure and I had no attachment to "home."
He had his own secret chamber of shame he was never able to overcome. Incapable of being intimate, sexually cold, emotionally shut down. In charge of everything that mattered, my role was cast as the cook, nanny, housekeeper, and chief adoring praise provider.
When my trauma manifested in physical illness -chronic pain and breast cancer - he put up with me for a while - but a new group of 10 year younger males encouraged him to dump me after 35 years of marriage, at my first "no evidence of Breast cancer" screening. " My friends tell me not to waste my time on marriage counseling if I don't want to change, " he told me when I said we'd drifted apart and would like to go to marriage counseling to reconnect.
I am now alone, 63, facing down potential stage 4 metastasis to my lungs. Waiting for PET and CT follow up after 1.5 years of following masses in my breasts that have doubled in size in the last 6 months. 4 nodes, in all 4 chambers of my lungs.
My sister said " tell me about it when you have a diagnosis." My mother has (conveniently) developed mild cognitive disorder, so doesn't remember anything. Father, the manic depressive tyrant, has been dead for over a decade.
I listen to podcasts at dinner time so I can pretend I have smart friends to converse with over dinner.
I know lone wolf. See no evil, speakl no evil, hear no evil, be safely invisible.
In the end it is a locked room, and the pain of social isolation is a deep entrapiment in our species survival instincts - Safety in numbers.
It becomes a very painful double edged sword.
Yeeeeeeess !! Nailed it !! 🙏🙏🙏
Does that include feeling like I've done something wrong, or I'm in trouble? I often feel this
Is this a symptom of a childhood trauma? Like if someone doesn't report trauma but this hits the nail?
Wow, yes you nailed it!