The IMPORTANCE of SEX in a relationship: why sex keeps men around
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- čas přidán 20. 10. 2022
- Make no mistake: sex is important to women. However, as important as it is, it's not as important to women as it is to men. In this episode, I'll attempt to explain why sex is so important to men, and why it's the key to keeping men in your life. To do this, I'll make use of an analogy from the other big pillar of adult life: work. In the hierarchy of needs, it makes sense to prioritize those that are unique to a given relationship.
Orion is a licensed psychologist in the state of California.
Podcast available of Spotify, Instagram, Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts and others.
See the "About" tab for more information on donations and consultations.
Website: oriontarabanpsyd.com
#sex #dating #relationship
Make no mistake: sex is important to women. However, as important as it is, it's not as important to women as it is to men. In this episode, I'll attempt to explain why sex is so important to men, and why it's the key to keeping men in your life. To do this, I'll make use of an analogy from the other big pillar of adult life: work. In the hierarchy of needs, it makes sense to prioritize those that are unique to a given relationship.
Orion is a licensed psychologist in the state of California.
Podcast available of Spotify, Instagram, Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts and others.
See the "About" tab for more information on donations and consultations.
Website: oriontarabanpsyd.com
@@honestrat0330 Studies, studies, studies.
Look at real life. Who is willing to go farther, spend $, exert more resources for sex? Men or women.
He clearly isn't undermining women's sex drive but if you think men and women have the same amalgamation of sexual makeup, need, what have you, I think you are mistaken.
There are times when women stop wanting sex and they think we'll stay around out of love...which is hilariously wrong
@@pjuliano9000 not my wife. her libido actually had increased when she approached her 40s. so glad i'm fit for my age & also have an overactive libido.
@@SuperMBARutgers2013 true. men are more likely to spend money for sex where women (i actually mean little girls in their 20s these days) are more likely to hustle money from men.
@@jpbart1390 it's normal. Her body is getting ready for menopause. It's her last chance to have a baby biologically
Put it like this. Imagine a relationship as a house. The bathroom isn't the only reason why you bought the house but if you woke up one day and the bathroom was gone or locked up to where you no longer have access it'd only be a matter of time before you either sell the house and get rid of it or start spending more time using the bathroom at other houses.
Great analogy
Excellent way to put it. 👍🏼😁
I guess don't shit where you eat is what you're saying. LOL
I’d prefer to use the kitchen as an analogy.
You’d eat somewhere else.
Good analogy
Got it. If I expect to be the single source for my man of one of his top priority needs then I better make sure that I satisfy that need of his thoroughly. This will be enough for a stable, committed man, but not, however, for a serial player. We need to choose carefully at the outset.
Very well said. Definitely need to vet properly.
If a women is willing to fully satisfy her man, a man must be fully willing to respect her through not giving into other women. Both of these things can be difficult for each gender but if you do a good job vetting and get a little lucky, it's the best way for everyone. Unless the terms of your relationship are clearly defined otherwise.
@@wisdomandy9361 in terms of fidelity,men aren't the ones with the issue lol
@@sarahrobertson634 Then why does a man need too get married too you? It's like you all hate meeting your man's needs, narcissism.
@@The-DAWG957 it's not just men's needs. I've been stuck in a sexless relationship before and it was horrible. I'm convinced these women settled for "good on paper" guys they were not actually attracted to. When I'm with someone, I *WANT* to be with him all the time; I won't get trapped in a sexless relationship again.
I’m married. We just had our third child. However, I have not been very happy or satisfied with our sex life since about year one. After we got married, we used to have sex almost every day, sometimes more than once a day. After about a year or so, we ended up having some major disagreements over our beliefs and everything has changed since that time. For many years, sex felt like some concession I was receiving. It still feels mostly like an afterthought. If we get to it. The fun gal who seemed excited and hot to have sex is no longer here. The fun, mutual aspect of pursuit is completely gone. Given all the water that has passed under the bridge, there is simply no return to that land, years have proven that.
We just had our 9th anniversary and I am more dissatisfied in this particular area of our life together than I ever have been. I work two jobs, I help with the kids (cooking, cleaning, general time spent) and I help cleaning around the house. I’m also a handyman type, so I spend time trying to fix things around the house and get shit done. I’m not perfect, but I do my best to provide for the people entrusted to my care and I’ve given them an above average quality of living.
NONE of that adds up in her mind to think that I need a break (ie sex). Her idea of helping me is getting me a glass of water or cleaning around the house. This is not to say she’s a terrible wife, but She simply has ZERO understanding that what I want and need as a man is to feel like I am coming home to some relief from stress and responsibility in the form of physical intimacy. What the hell do I work so hard for if not sex and time to enjoy the fruit of my labor. Instead, coming home just feels like more stress and responsibility. I’ve mentioned this a few times over the years and nothing changes.
They always portray the guy who left to get cigarettes and never came back as the bad guy, but no one ever asks WHY he did it. Maybe he woke up one morning and realized that he was not getting what he needed from the situation. Maybe he had the balls to do what other guys don’t - leave.
I love my kids and I don’t want to leave them. I don’t want them to grow up in single parent households, because I believe that is destructive to them in ways we can’t fully appreciate. I made my bed, so I gotta lay in it. That said, I often think about getting a girlfriend, someone that I feel like cares about this area of my life and wants to be that relief. Someone that I can make feel sexy and someone who wants to share that with me. I haven’t gotten one, but it’s something that crosses my mind. What sucks is the toxic culture around talking about this stuff. I CANNOT talk about this with anyone I know, except certain guy friends. I feel trapped and I feel like I can’t talk about it. Not a good feeling.
Hey man, thanks for sharing, tough spot you are in, hopefully you can turn it around one day
@spacemanspliff7844
Sorry to hear that :/ Idk what to advise since I have 0 experience but maybe we all just get demotivated / less excited after being in the same job/relationship for so many years. So the love & passion disappears but respect, peace, cooperation, submissiveness is still there so that's a good sign.
Other couples where the man doesn't earn that much doesn't even get to have sex for years. Older people don't have sex for 3+ years...etc.
Have you tried paying her? :)) Maybe you're no longer handsome/a catch and she's only with you for the monetary stability. What do you expect her to be as young and full of energy / a party goer like the 20-27 year olds who have sex 5 times a day? After 30 they transition to a more secured / beta long term relationship and after 37 up to 45 they're interested again in alpha males, then at 48 again want security.
In one of the other videos I saw a cool comment:
"If she is difficult, distant, inconsistent, impatient, demanding, or whatever, it's almost always because she believes that she could do better. Maybe she had a better option in the past, maybe she is comparing herself to her friends or social media, or maybe she is just delusional in her value and expectations. The reason doesn't really matter, the upshot is you're not gonna have a good time, and you'll be putting in more and more effort for smaller and smaller returns.
The smart move is to select women who understand they are lucky to be there. Anything less is a job."
In a video from Simon Simek he gave a very nice advice:
[
As opposed to saying: "Honey I need to have a difficult uncomfortable conversation. I love you. You're my life partner, you're my best friend, I never ever want to lose you. At the same time our relationship is loveless, and I'm struggling, because I crave love, and I crave that kind of affection and we don't have it. And so I'm struggling and don't know what to do. And I wanna know how you feel and I wanna know if we can work on this together.”
The mistake is treating the relationship as an individual, when it's not, it's 2 people.
I'm not in total control of everything, of the tribe. It's a group.
]
Sorry to hear about your situation. As you said, you've made your bed. I just hope that many young single guys will read your post and learn something.
What you fell for was a bait and switch. Some women will "love " sex until you put a ring on it, or have a kid. Best to avoid the hassle. Don't marry. Don't have kids. Don't live with them. Just enjoy the fun.
pay for sex, dont get cought
I have been in private practice as a psychotherapist for 36 years. You are absolutely correct. Unfortunately, in some cases women withhold sex putting their guy in an untenable position. It is used as power. Another reason guys have opted for serial sex rather than committed marital relationship.
Good to have you, Richard.
A hundred years ago, husbands had complete control over their wives' finances. And one of the primary goals of second-wave feminism was to support the financial independence of women, because they (rightly) understood that that level of power and control over another person tends to corrupt and distort a person over time.
Today, husbands have relinquished their monopoly over their wives' finances, but wives continue to enjoy a monopoly over their husbands' sexuality. This level of power and control tends to corrupt and distort a person over time.
@@psychacks complete control?
@@psychacks And one of the primary goals of second-wave feminism was to support the financial independence of women
wrong it was to destroy the family...weaken men....boost the workforce and take the children from birth into daycare while the W continued working allowing the state to indoc them young
@@psychacks I used to believe in Monogamy... until my wife gave me 10+ years of sex less marriage. I now believe in Polygamy.
@@psychacks amazingly said!
Interesting from a man's perspective. I definitely see how men feel a deep need to connect sexually in a romantic relationship. However, most women need a romantic connection, emotional support from a romantic partner, etc outside of the bedroom. That is what defines a romantic relationship to a woman. It is AFTER a woman is emotionally fulfilled that she would then have a desire to connect sexually. I think the disconnect comes from that fact that, very generally speaking, women need connection to want to have sex, and men need sex to feel connected.
You are wrong my friend. I had sex with my girlfriend every single day for months while doing nothing special just being myself, and when i entered a relationship with her it declined dramatically. Women dont need affection to have sex with you, take it from me, thats what they tell you after they got you to. Ive been with close to 100 women so take it from me
@@HYCbrunoNo,you are wrong men and women are different .
women need emotional intimacy to have the desire to have sex but it is not for men.
@@srikrishnavasanth3895💯 correct
@@HYCbruno Well, I AM a woman, so take it from me.
@@MD-vm8tc Yea my gf was only giving me so much sex cause she wanted me to commit even tough she denies, cause i am very attractive and was told i look like a model lots of times, thats the only explanation then
I think most of the time the problem is that sex for men begins in the bedroom and for women it starts way before that. In the beginning, the circumstances lead to what women want: the context + the sex. The context being: going out, dinner together, a lot of conversation, maybe flowers, a simple gift, some compliment, companionship, spending time doing other fun things together and a man who is a gentleman. All man do this in the beginning and then, they stop, since "the job is done" and they don't need to put in all this "effort" anymore. A lot of married women feel they are now trapped: the guy just wants something raw, just a "little relief" and throw all the rest away. And then the men say the women are not "fullfilling their obligations" in the marriage, which makes it all worse. They don't understand that it s because they took all the fun of it for the woman removing the "context." The video above ilustrates this point by saying that it is possible to get "all the rest" (companionship, etc from other sources), but for a woman the whole package has to be inside the relationship for the sex to be good. Or else, they just feel frustrated and lose interest. Sex for a woman is the final result of a long process with many phases of connection and most man don't get that at all and just want to skip to the final phase, which is really frustrating and boring for a woman. Even if men do a lot and are very good husbands, many times they do not give the woman what she wants (context) and they start to feel like they are not being appreciated, respected, they feel offended and feel like the guy just wants a sex slave, although this is not true most of the time. It is just how a woman feels if she doens't get "the context" anymore.
Thoughorly agree! A very common reason why us ladies end up losing interest - cos all the rest has been swept under the rug, and we are not sex machines. There are other possibilities for the guys who are just looking to be "relieved". Why should it all be our fault????
@@francoisebekaert8137Exactly.
Perfectly explained. Do you have a YTube channel?
You should record this.
Men who watch this don't get it. They watch channels made by men for men, that just keep them in the vicious circle of not understanding women.
Women say a lot of words like this then put out in less than a day for a Chad or Thad that sweet talks them and is tall and attractive,this is fucking bullshit
Exactly right. I bet if you ask 100 women you'd have many state the same. I've even told my husband in the past you don't wine and dine me anymore yet expect the same services to be provided. There are TWO people in a relationship they both need to look at their own flaws
I left my partner after living in a sexless relationship for almost 5 years.. Sex may be important to men, but shure enough, women wants it too
who was the unwilling partner in your sexless relationship?
Or did you only want it when YOU felt like it and of course on your terms
are you a woman?>
I've been in a sexless marriage for six years. I know what you mean. Sex is very important to women, including married women. When we did have sex way back in the day, he was completely selfish when it came to pleasuring me and only expected me to pleasure him, never the other way around. That should have been the clue.
PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE; GOD FORGOT TO GIVE WOMEN A SEX DRIVE.
My mom and step dad both passed away this year so in honor of them I will give their advise for a healthy relationship " You go to give a little to get a little" If you ain't giving you ain't getting !! and if your with someone that is not able to give some to get some ... its time to move on !
Unless they are sick we all die and wventlsky not able to have sx so let’s be mindful and respectful too. I adore sc and stayed in a bad marriage becsue of it. 🤦♀️😂. Just saying there are tiems things are wrong.
@@Portia620FYI My step dad was not able to have sex ... giving a little to get a little is not about sex
I do agree sex is important in a romantic relationship just like money is in a employer relationship, but I think if you’re missing the other aspects, the relationship won’t last long. Ppl quit jobs all the time because they don’t feel enriched, respected, valued, etc by their job anymore. I think a romantic relationship will fall apart without sex, but if you’re partner doesn’t understand you, care about you, or value you it will fall apart as well. I think at the end of the day any relationship requires care for the other.
People rationalize surprisingly well when it comes to work and money. When you feel not respected, valued, etc. at your job it means they don't pay you enough or you're stuck too long there. That's what my experience tells me. Then, you're looking for another employer, who will value your experience and dedication, but... at the same time you're thinking, it's maybe not a bad idea to earn more :)
I agree about romantic relationships though. A lot of sex means nothing without understanding and respect. On the other hand, no or little sex also doesn't work... :)
A lack of sexual intimacy conveys that the person withholding it doesn't understand, care, or value you...
Honestly, that is astounding to me. I'm a woman - why would I not want sex? There must be an underlying reason. And this is to be found out.
But I don't believe that any woman just is not in the mood. Sex is nice, sex is good - for women, too.
And I don't mean that it must be the fault of the guy. It could be she just married you for security. But it could be also a question of missing trust and respect. But there is certainly something off.
it is also used as manipulation and other issues for control not every man and woman is a good person .
Wait until peri-menopause/menopause. I am never in the mood anymore and have no desire: my body feels shut down which makes it difficult to do physical intimacy. Yet I love my husband more than ever before and so find other ways to please him.
I know why I don’t want sex with my guy….when he acts like an ahole and treats me w disrespect and I become resentful…
@@SP-ml3bs😅😅😅😅😅
@@SP-ml3bshow is he gonna be satisfied? I get that other acts of service can be of ease but sexual needs are harmful if neglected
To everyone who thinks sex isn't the most important thing, if sex isn't that important then why is sex suddenly extremely important if the sex deprived person in a relationship decides to cheat?
because they are pathetic and dont want to lose all other profits in home with reasonable break up
Cheating is awful and pathetic. Just break up, guys.
Because the cheating partner has opened themselves up to STDs and AIDS, which can be a death sentence to the woman.
If a man cheats, a woman gotta go.
Not so easy to do when the children are going to suffer because you don't make enough to pay child support and pay for your own place. @@sienkiewiczmonika1161
That's a great point.
I know lots of guys that never have sex with their wives, yet if they cheated their wives would be really upset.
They can't have it both ways!! Either it's important or it isn't, and if it's not important to them to satisfy their husbands, then they can't be upset if their husbands go elsewhere!!
I would say that the expectation of men for sex without fulfilling a woman's connection and respect needs it like turning up at the workplace without doing any work, goofing off all day, yet still expecting a pay check. The sex dies away. This is sad because it's easy to prevent.
Exactly. Very well put.
Absolutely agree
@@hunterkarr5618 you sound incapable of understanding connection.
By that logic, a woman’s expectation of receiving material support and emotional connection without providing sex is the same thing.
Bullshit. You'll fuck a guy you barley know on the 2nd date but when your married and make vows then it becomes "you gotta do xyz to turn me on".
True. Sadly many women see a man's sex drive as a character flaw. They spend no time trying to understand its role in a man's bonding and peace of mind. Women leverage it when he's handsome, or when the relationship is new and exciting. Then they relegate it to the scrap heap when it gets old and expect him to happily do the same.
Exactly!!!
my wife doesn't. neither did a couple of exes of mine. especially the nympho i was engaged to 25 years ago.
Some 30% of sexless marriages are men who won't sleep with their wives.
Yeah but we also hear over and over again about how men ignore women's needs in the bedroom too among other things so who's fault is it really?
No they don’t. They need safety most men don’t provide this
When my fiancée doesn't feel like having sex, she always offers me an "alternative". I think she saw this video.
Must be nice
Excellent, easy to grasp points. Having been married for over 30 years we learned the importance of sex. It really is that unique priority … but we never really thought of it that way. Thanks!
@@thezoldics7648 Right; and get exposed to herpes or genital warts. I hope you know, penile cancer is on the rise!
I have a question.
Why do people still have sex? Sex is very gross, nasty, messy, and disgusting! I don't see how sex is a good thing. Why don't humans just remove sex from this world? Women can still get pregnant without sex (there's a lot of ways women can get pregnant without sex including artificial insemination). Sex does cause a lot of problems, so the world might be a much better place without it.
I was married for 28 years; and my ex, due to being controlling, cut me off sexually at about 18 years, and never touched me again! My body had not changed much; maybe 10 lbs, and I was always 100 lbs less than him. I tried talking to him about it! And touching him, but nothing. He said he had told me he would never touch me again, and he meant it!! He is 8.5 years younger than me, so shouldn’t have been lack of drive! So, don’t think it is always the woman. My Love Languages are: Acts of Service, and Physical Touch!! So very important part of relationships to me!!
My ex wife used sex to control me our entire marriage. She even told me after it all fell apart “I knew if I kept you hungry for sex, I could get you to do anything I wanted you to.” After 14.5 years, I had a long overdue affair and left her. Best decision I made.
She was for the streets
Why would she even say that and you stay around, y’all men need to respect yourself. Never show to a woman that she is your world, glad you left her but hope she didn’t tank you in the divorce 😊
@@Empathy_17 she told me that after I had an affair and was on my way out. It cost me $250k and alimony for life to get rid of her, but it was worth every fing penny.
Why'd you stay so long? I tried that crap on my hubby the very 1st year we were married and guess what his reply was? "That's fine. I'll just go get it from someone else." You best believe I opened my legs and gave him my body REAL quick!! 😂 I NEVER pulled that crap on him ever again. 26 years later, we are still together and still very much in love with each other.
@@bchang227 I was brought up with the belief that marriage vows are forever and broken homes are the worst things for kids. I tolerated our crappy marriage as long as I could, but I finally broke. So glad I did. So why did you withhold sex from your husband early on? Was that a control issue? We’re you trying to punish him for something?
This is an easy refreshing and simple explanation that anyone can grasp. Thank you for sharing.
As a woman, I believe that a woman’s heart and personality play a big role when it comes to sex in a marriage. Both need a pure heart but a woman that doesn’t have a pure heart will destroy her husband. Most women don’t understand or perhaps don’t know that one of the many ways that we show love to our man is through sex. I have come to learn that women now a days are completely detached from the bond of sex, it’s completely dead. They have no clue the damage that they are doing to their man and their marriage. If more women would care to know how fragile, sweet and tender a man’s heart is, relationships would be heaven on earth.
I agree the only thing is it seems like today it's nothing but servicing I was tot that it was supposed to be making love the way for a couple to experience there feelings to each other. I think unfortunately from the very beginning of our culture it has been tainted because for some reason our mother's were tot to hate sex that it was for the husband to enjoy and the woman to indure and if she enjoyed it even in marriage she was a harlot.we can't win.
I agree 💯
It's her MIND that is her sexual organ. If a woman doesn't want to have sex then it's her problem.
@@smokingcrab2290 She does. Just not with her husband.
@@tiffanygrever8092 It's only in the US though. Most of the religious puritans came over to the US from Europe (which is much more open minded about sex as a whole), and wanted to create their heaven here, which is actually hell on earth, under the assumption god crated us as less than angels so we have to live up to angelic standards.
Then beyond that... It seems incest wasn't really even a problem for the Bible so it's unclear what the big deal was... Though it kinda makes more sense if you assume it's just about not humping other hominids who're now all extinct.
And who cares anyway, find a dude who appreciates it. There are MANY who will.
What happens when the male in my life goes completely cold? I had a partner that not only withheld sex, but stopped being affectionate altogether.
Physical touch is my love language, so this was like torture for me. No matter what I did to please him, it seemed like he was trying to punish me. I ended up leaving, as the constant fault finding and criticism became too much to bear.
He probably had someone on the side.
Or was a narcissist. They use sex as a way to control and have power over you
@@marinamew7313 I suspected that.
@@gracehay8902 yes, lots of love bombing at the beginning, and telling me I needed to get rid of various people in my life.
What did you do to make him go cold? Ever think of that?
The problem is that sex usually dries up when the guy is married, the woman knows he can't just get up and leave, because if he does there will be severe consequences i.e losing children, assets, lawyer fees, child support, alimony, you name it.
It has nothing to do with marriage. What marriage with children does is to rob energy from everybody and sex is usually the first activity that everybody will cut back on (not just women). One can, after all, not walk out of a job after four hours telling the manager "I need to conserve my energy, today, because I want to have wild sex with my wife tonight!".
Yes exactly... It's a lose- lose situation.
Would you want to be with someone who nags you for something all the time? I can't imagine wanting to live that way.
@@TGP109 It's better than watching porn all day long while drinking cheap vodka. ;-)
@Vanessa Ambrose why would a man have to nag for sex?
Obviously he is married to a liar and fraud who never desired him in the first place.
Any woman who isn't eager for sex with a man is not qualified to be his wife. And vice versa.
The older I get, the more I've viewed romantic relationships as business relationships, not literally, but it's a very good analogy. With work, you have tasks you need to do, otherwise you'll get fired, and you need to get along with others, be pleasant and civilized, cooperate, etc. The exact same thing holds in romantic relationship. You need to do the tasks of XYZ and be a pleasant person to be around, otherwise you're going to get "fired" and replaced. It's honestly common sense if you think about it. Sex is a core part of a romantic relationship. If there is no sex, there is no relationship, and someone is going to get terminated.
This sounds very emotionless but in actual fact everyone has needs and this is a very good analogy, thanks
Agree. I had to explain this to my bf once. I used the same analogy. Ppl think they can go to work, be nice then come home and act a clown. No sir, treat me with the same kindness and patience and restraint that u treat your co- workers. We have no more problems!! 😂
@GuppyPal I get what you mean, and I've seen it that way too. But please, don't think of it as a business. Think of it as a partnership. A team. The moment you compare romantic relationships to transactions or work/business, that's the moment it's going to go come crashing downhill eventually. It's all about mindset. Relationships take a lot of work to maintain. If only one side is working on it, it will fail. The amount of effort you put in is what you get. That's the only thing that's in common with business/work. The effort you put in, and that you have to work on it to maintain it. But that's where the similarities end. You could be the best worker at your job, but lose your job at any moment. But who will you come home to and support you? Your family/loved ones. Not to say you can't find people at work that you can call family, but you can still be let go for any reason. If you have an awesome and supportive partner, do not let them go.
I wonder what is "romantic" about having to do tasks as you say. Shouldn't the desire for sex be a mutual thing? Men have the idea that the courting or romantic part of a relationship ends when you get married. That is the death of a womans feelings when she becomes nothing more than a maid, cook, errand runner, child care giver and has to service a man. There is absolutely nothing romantic about sex at that point.
@rebeccachurch5200 everyone has to do tasks in life. Even sex is a "task". I think k the romance comes from the individuals.desires to be "romanced". There must be a desire that comes from both parties to have fun, play with one another, and help one another through life. This romance is exhibited through actions..it does involve "work." But if u have the spark, the "work" feels worth it. I think the romance spark thing is like an internal energy kind of thing. Difficult to explain and can't be faked. And I do think the basis of romance is true love.
Perhaps we should talk more about “making love” rather than “sex”. They are different from each other.
This. Sex makes me feel used. Zero connection, just a physical act meant to do little more than get some mans rocks off. Making love means there is a connection, theres deep emotions, becoming one having fun, meaning something to the other person and wanting to please each other. It is not a selfish act like sex. Sex makes me feel used and done to. Sex is a gross thing. Making love is sharing of body, mind and soul. It is fun, playful and connecting.
Yeah, I don't think most men much care.
@@michellesimmons3150I would hate to be your husband. You have zero understanding of how important sex is to your man...assuming you st8ll have one.
This is why I chose to remain single. I do not have enough interest in sex. I don’t want that responsibility on my shoulders. It’s just a personal preference.
This is why we need professionals dispensing relationship information- they explain it in in clear language and they use examples we all have and can relate to. I agree. This is the most clear and basic reasons why sex/job relationships are necessary and its purposes.
This is the best analogy on this subject that I have ever heard. Very well thought out and said. Thank you.
I think this analogy is right but it doesn’t explain everything. Men need sex to connect deeply with someone; it’s THE way they experience intimacy. Women get this connection through talking with someone who they feel understands them. This explains why women can go a long time without sex; they can get this deep connection and intimacy for feeling “seen” by close friends or family. Sex is intimate obviously for women as well, but here’s how I see it: Women feel intimate with someone and therefore decide to have sex. Men have sex in order to feel the intimacy with someone. (None of this applies to hookups). Obviously there are exceptions because we can not really say “all men” or “all women” but after a lifetime of talking with and observing people and reading extensively about behavior this is what I see. Thanks for reading.
The problem is that too many people mistake intimacy as sex ONLY.
@@TGP109 the other problem is that too many women feel intimate towards, yet still do not want to have sex with, their partner.
This is so Sad ! Many of these comments from men are so sad. I'm just so sorry to hear that this is their experience. I believe withholding sex from husbands is absolutely wrong just like I believe its absolutely wrong for men to withhold financially from their wives. I am a woman and even before we got married, the first thing my husband and I did was make sure the lines of communication were totally open and emotions and feelings were on the table, not just about sex, about everything! And that what we required from eachother was ALSO on the table.
I am not sure every women or every man is capable of this but this is key.
"It's all about sex with you!" There was no sex. Now I have an ex.
🤣👍
stigmatising sex denies us a large part of our humanity, commoditises our physicalness, turns connection into separateness, manufactures judgement and promotes transactional relationships.
We think we want sex,.. but it's not always about sex. We crave to be touched, to be hugged, to be looked at, to be admired, to laugh with someone. It's the feeling of intimacy we want.
We are sexual, we are soulful, we are emotional, we are spiritual, we are magic. We are both of the light and the dark. We're human. Don't deny any aspect of who you are. A healthy soul is a whole soul.
my bf lived in a sexless relationship from age 17-20. with me then, his age being 21-24, he healed and got positive mindset about sex. but if i'm honest in the last year it declined and this year it got to the point that we only sleep like five times per year. he struggled a lot, but he didn't leave. eventually other problems accumulated and brought up the idea of breaking up, but he always said he doesn't wanna go. working on the other issues had a positive impact and i hope things are going better from now on.
no man wants a relationship without sex... that's just friendship. If we're just going for platonic friendship, then most men would rather be with other men. When it comes to women we want sex/relationships.
You bet
Uncertain if you read all these comments but you really inspire me sir. I'm starting an online streaming channel in a non competing space and I absolutely love how you give science and history based information...and you are a well educated professional...the internet can be such a dumpster fire in this space and your voice serves as an important point to keep young people grounded...if you would ever like to appear on an interview or podcast, it would be an honor to help amplify your voice sir
Send him an email :)
Yeah there can't be a relationship without intimacy, hell especially if you live together it would be literal torture
Been there…nightmare…found the best I ever had shortly after…thank the Lord!
Living it now.
Sex is the only reason to be in a relationship. Everything else we can do ourselves.
I left my husband because he refused to have sex with me for years. No matter how I begged him. He said he wanted to be together forever and he loved me very much he just didn’t feel like having sex. He made excuses saying his back hurt or he’s tired. A year later I find out he was having an affair with his assistant. Btw I was the faithful stay at home mom traditional woman thin and fit. Men always want to have their cake and eat it too. And women have finally had enough
💯
That's a shame. These women who have affairs with married men should be ashamed of themselves. I hope that he does it to her. I'm glad that I'm not married. In my opinion, so few people are committed to their marriages. I'm older now and so it doesn't matter.
That’s so horrible that you went through that. I pray you find a man who treats you 20 times better that values and appreciates you. I’m sure you will very soon.
What a Liar. 🤮
@@angelamwatts the women should be ashamed but not the man who cheated and broke his vows ? 🤔 you're a loser
excellent analogy! Thanks
Very nicely put. So true when you think deeply about everything
Your videos are fantastic thank you 🙏🏼
Nailed it! It’s all linked. Value relationships (what does each partner get). Take the emotion out. Great relationships or at least my best ones, includes my current wife, are business deals. Beat business deals are when all parties get something from it. No emotion just the fact. Doesn’t mean compassion doesn’t not exist or female emotions mean nothing not at all. Men should provide that for their romantic parter. There is also other was than intercourse to thrive in a romantic relationship. Be creative it’s amazing! Love your work! Very inspiring
You would think what you said would be common sense, but common sense ain't common in this timeline
I heard a woman say once that, for women, sex is relationship maintenance.
Religious women are taught in church that they must perform "duty sex" whenever the husband requests!!! Hilarious
After the new wears off, most romantic relationships though started from lust and sexual desire , end up being primarily financial in their motive to continue. With inflation on the rise most folks are probably together to slay bills easier. And are getting their sexual needs met through porn, occasional liaisons, and alone time in the shower. It's not entirely due to technology, it's also a case of familiarity breeding contempt. You can love pizza but not want to eat it every day. I do agree that there is no romantic relationship without sex, and that's why I believe most modern long term relationships are not romantic in nature, but rather the equivalent of two roommates/friends with the common goal of avoiding eviction. And when they do the horizontal two step they're usually imagining someone else.
The majority of American marriages are sexless, according to the research.
Great comment Mo.
@@psychacks I believe that. I think nothing kills sex like a long term relationship. I believe that long term monogamy isn't in natures best interest. Short term perhaps, but long term I think monogamy is disadvantageous to the species in regards to reproductive strategies.
@@GordonPavilion thank you
it's just too hard to get sex from females.....they hate our guts so god damn bad.....we have to pay a prostitute or rape....or be celibate forever....b/c they only want money...
Makes sense. Sexual intimacy is on apart of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs.
Orion, I couldn't agree more friend. Love your work. Peace
Very good point, thank you for clarifying
"All you care about is sex" and "is the relationship based on sex?" are just red herrings. Without sex, it is not a romantic relationship.
In honest terms, sex is indeed all that men care about - in relation to women. There are absolutely no other valid reasons to be involved with a woman. So for women to expect men to want them for other reasons is patently absurd.
Bravo! @@varmastiko2908
@@varmastiko2908ok incel!! We know whose mother didnt love them!!
Another interesting point! In any case, always helps to stay as fit and attractive as possible 😎
Sir could you please please please write a book. This is the most logical analysis I have ever heard. Thank you.
Great video! Thank you for sharing
An open relationship without sex would likely end. Both partners would find more sexual fulfillment outside the relationship.
An exclusive relationship without sex is very prone to infidelity. Both parties are resisting their sexual desires only out of obligation/commitment stemming from fear, status quo, ethics, etc.
The main reason a man gives up his sexual options is in exchange for sexual fidelity from his female partner. But if there is no sex, why would sexual fidelity matter?
Thanks a lot for your videos. I really learnt a lot from them.
Well said.
So, true, I am getting my needs met elsewhere.
I wasnt getting any at home because my wife would rather cheat, but I did never cheat nevertheless
That's assuming he has ''sexual options''. Technically every one has options, as men can always pay for sex if need be.
i’ve been confused on my sexuality for a while and this topic makes me genuinely question if i should even try with men… if sex is REQUIRED in order for them to stay why would i want to feel obligated all the time or worried i’d lose him over this? it sounds exhausting for women
That is absolutely fine and you are probably better off by yourself if your fear of being required to have sex with your partner is so great. But please bear in mind that what you are saying is the equivalent of a man responding to a video explaining why attention validation and your man being an emotional tampon is so important for a woman in their relationships, by saying "this topic makes me genuinely question if I should even try with women if being used for my attention validation and emotional sponginess is required in order for them to stay why would I want to feel obligated all the time or worried I'd lose her over this? It sounds exhausting for men.
The issue here is that women tend to be far more self absorbed and needy than men. So you do not consider men's needs to be important and worth considering. Whereas men have to take a woman's needs into account if he ever wants to have sex or get into a relationship.
Consequently even though you are quite happy to demand attention validation and emotional tamponery from your man - regardless of how exhausting it is for us to have to constantly meet your emotional needs - the very idea of reciprocation is offensive to you and what's more you do not even see the hypocrisy and double standard.
Same way its exhausting for men wondering if we have too provide and protect you all the time and get nothing in return. Like do you all here your own selfishnes?
@@ClownWorldExplained Oh, please. Talking and relating to someone you sleep with isn't difficult, unless you have a thing for prostitutes. Having sex as a female exposes us to pregnancy (most women) and you compare talking to someone to that? Enough of the RP bullshit-learn to relate to real people.
@@The-DAWG957 Most women have jobs, you know and what is this crap about ''protection"?
''Emotional tamponery''? Really? If talking to a woman for more than 2 minutes before getting into her pants is so hard, then just get a sex doll.@@ClownWorldExplained
Heck yeah. Thanks for saying it
What makes sense is to remember that babies are made with sex. That's what you should be cognizant about all the time.
I absolutely love your show and agree with virtually everything you discuss. Your advice is great and helpful. Just wanted to comment on the " sex isn't as important to women as it is to men". My jury is still deliberating that one. I definitely understand about hypergamy and infidelity in women and previously thought that men were more likely to cheat than the girls. Now however I'm finding that women cheat far more than men. So I'm hoping one of your shows can help me come to a verdict on this one. Keep up the great content bro 🇺🇸
Thanks for this explanation. As someone in a sexless marriage I can confirm these observations as true.
Great video 😊 I love your honesty
The parallel is actually very smart !
I've always seen it as a physical representation of the state of the overall relationship. If things are not good between a couple, chances are their sex life is not great.
And vice versa. If you fuck like rabbits, things will work themselves out. Sex bonds you to someone whether you think it or not.
The thing that keeps you from making love is your own mental barriers. Plain and simple.
Right on point👍
I had a romantic relationship but sex seemed to be something that was more of a chore from my partners point of view.
You sound absolutely perfect 👍. Loved it and amazingly explained.
I agree. I also dislike that sex is viewed as a trade with other parts of the relationship. Sex is sex and if both partners do not desire each other, they should not be together to begin with. Sex is not an optional add on to a platonic relationship.
Fundamentally romantic relationships are transactional .if you can manage expectations on both sides , it brings harmony, peace and joy!
I think there's too much focus on sex and not enough on intimacy. I can tolerate less sex than I want, but not less intimacy than I need. I'd rather just give up and not invest any more energy in a lopsided deal. I do struggle with sunk cost, though a fallacy, is still a factor!
I agree. I actually prefer less sex in a relationship to keep it exciting when it does happen. Intimacy fills the void and allows us to grow close!
Thank you so much. I agree with you 100%
You said it all sir 👏
Your videos has been most helpful to me greetings from Ghana
So I've been around for awhile....I've noticed men take their work seriously. They will do whatever it takes to succeed at a career, a job.....but when it comes to their relationships, they only do the minimum. Therefore, they are receiving "the minimum" in the bedroom. I realize men won't change, and this is why they will continue to wonder why their relationships are in turmoil. They could really benefit by spending as much time trying to figure out how to make a relationship work. Put the same effort in as learning the rules of any game, such as football, and try to at least "care" about your partner. Women spend a lot of time investing in a relationship on many levels. I understand your business analogy as applied to relationships, but I also would add that the reason men succeed in business (and not so much in the bedroom) is because there is no emotional aspect to a business relationship. And men are quite happy to participate in business as no extra effort is required, as far as caring about someone besides themselves.
Absolutely! Great comment.
This!
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Women invest a lot in the relationship? That is why lesbians have the highest rate of devose which tells a lot about their crappy investment in reality they don't do any shit but expect more than they deserve from their partners
Ya, it's his fault. Keep telling your cats that.
Typically, if the sex stops it means you're already fired......
Remember its "to love and to cherish, until death do us part." not simply "until death do us part". To break the "to love and to cherish" vow, is no better then breaking the "until death do us part" and once one vow is broken, the rest dont matter.
When a woman has to raise her husband like a child, its hard at the end of the day to see him as a lover. When she's been made to feel like his mother, its hard to be sexually aroused by a son.
Gosh you really hit the nail on the head! I have tried and failed over the years to make this clear to my husband. I am not his mother! And yet he continued to treat me like one. As a result I completely lost interest in sex with him. When you have to mother someone 24/7 you certainly get turned off.
Haha
@@mnomad9173You are not understanding the problem here. It is the man that wants to remain a child in the marriage. Not the woman turning him into one.
@@rebeccachurch5200 honestly , no one knows your actually situation or what happened otherwise from taking your word and that would be hearing one side of the story, for all anyone knows you could be so psychopath manipulator on liar.
so you associating your situation with others who may have actuall problems just come of as seeking sympathy.
and, no one really cares especially since we know how ignorant to their own wrongs and victim mindset many people can be.
Right, for sure. Female here and still idk why this wouldn’t be obvious. It’s like people expect a marriage mate to be everything to them. Thx for sharing! 👏
If a man isn't getting intimacy with his woman, he will seek it elsewhere
30% of married women have husbands who don't want sex.
100% & vice/versa
great video!
There has been a large increase in women (and some men) who act like sex just isn’t important to a relationship and can be ignored….until their spouse does it with someone else, in which case it is all of the sudden the be all end all of intimacy.
Wow, it doesn't get much simpler than this explanation. Yet many women will still disagree. I know my wife does. Now I have a good analogy to use when she asks why I'm divorcing her.
Dr. Orion can you address the issue of women losing attraction in LTR at a quicker rate than men and what both men and women can do about this? Also please talk about the data that shows women desire much more sexual novelty than men. The more we better understand each other and ourselves the better we will be.
You talk about it. She has to know what you want. You have to know what she wants. If she wants a romantic dinner and you get a bj in return, it's all good. Most women won't refuse that deal.
Franklin Richards_ read The Rational Male by Rollo Tommassi. A very in depth book into male and female dynamics through their life spans. You wont want to accept the truth of it. But its best you have your eyes opened than keep walking blindly.
@@KJ-pu8dw I’m very familiar with Rollo Tomasi. I tune in every Sunday for his live stream.
Is that you George?@@KJ-pu8dw
I hate to say it but the men this happens to chose the wrong woman. The only way to make a LTR work is if the woman wants the man much more than he wants her. When she's constantly left wanting more is how she stays hooked. And ironically that's also how she can be the happiest. For men there is no ultimate fulfillment. But if a man chooses to share his life with a woman then he has to make sure he doesn't value her as much as she values him. In any other case there will be hell to pay.
Most traditional married American men who have been married to their wife and or spouse for a considerable amount of time will in fact become more like a friend or roommate than a desired sexual partner over time because modern day marriage or even LTR sets men up to become more feminine, loving and caring in the relationship and like you mention here, sex becomes more of an afterthought which disproportionately affects the man more than the women.
Married men also generally have higher levels of Estrogen and lower levels of Testosterone (this is bad) because they are settled down and modern day family life often times forces the man to be more feminine and nurturing vs the single guy who gets to stay in peak sexual standing with higher testosterone and does not have to take on the more feminine coupling role.
Also new sex for men (new sexual partner for the first time) is incredibly powerful and this occurs from sleeping with different women, this cannot be replicated by the same monotonous sex that most married couples have, again I'm not saying in all cases and also not trying to overly generalise but the research and data support the hormone differences and why so often we see the term "dad moms" and it's very clear and unfortunate that so many modern day men in marriages often get little to no sexual pleasure in a sexless marriage where as for a select few fortunate guys who might voluntarily chose to remain single, the sex gets better and better as they are able to explore new women and truly master the art of seduction and sexual pleasure...for both him and her.
You are spot on.
Extremely well said lol
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You're forgetting that women too like to ''explore new partners''.
I absolutely agree with this 100%.
Thanks for the video.
A RELATIONSHIP INVOLVES 2 PEOPLE..AND ITS DOWN TO THE BOTH TO AGREE ABOUT SEX..MOST MEN WILL PROBERLY STAY AROUND FOR SEX ONLY..FOR PLEASURE AND NOT TO GET INVOLVED EMOTIONAL..DONT LET YOURSELF GET INVOLVED IF THEY ONLY WANT TO USE YOU..
Sex is the main drive in men wanting a relationship.
I am biased as I make a ton of money. Run the ship of the household. Take the majority of decision/Action/fixes/planning/protection/provisioning/work load/problems/manage all bills/maintenance all cars/clean the outside of house/keep repairs up to date/will grocery shop if need be/run errands…..
If I ain’t getting sex daily. I would have to leave. Sorry. I put in more then my fair share I expect one thing back. Secondly women should be enjoying just as much as the man. As women are more sexually aroused the older they get ( so not talking about 18 year olds here..) if people aren’t enjoying sex it’s prolly not the right relationship and deep down someone isn’t telling themselves the truth
@went for a packet of fags in a tank hopefully, she isn't married
Women are more sexually aroused the older they get, huh?
Thanks!
This explaination should help the ladies understand why asking men to spend a ton of money on them to date them is ridiculous. That disproportionate value exchanged is one that most men won't sign up for. Especially when most women in committed relationships still withhold sex no matter how securely a man is providing for them.
Love your channel. Great stuff! The problem here, however, is that it addresses one side of the equation only. Women have needs also, but they are usually not sexual.
Women just require less sex than men on average. Women need to feel like they look up to the man they are with, and to hear words of affirmation of their beauty and desirability to the man otherwise they will never be in the mood for sex.
If women don't have the same sexual needs men do, then they are not qualified for a monogamous sexual relationship with a man.
Uhm, no. Focusing only on ''beauty and desirability'' is a surefire way of making her feel like just an object to you.@@ogfit5448
ogfit5448 in some cases, women want it more.
Do one about men not wanting sex (young men). It’s no where to be found on the internet. Lots of women need answers about anxiety in men and them getting comfortable with not having sex with their partner. I keep my body in great shape and I’m very healthy. What’s the point if he won’t touch me?!
Probably because they think you or like most women have lots of other guys on roster (I.e their phone ) and they have to compete against that constantly and forever. It’s not due to lack of interest.
Mostly young guys have caught on to this times are way different women can choose to cheat any second they want and dictate the terms of the relationship and bedroom especially for young guys they don’t have earning capacity yet. This is why you will see guys not perusing sex with you but admire from a distance they done the calculations already. It’s hard to believe once you get with a woman nowadays that she will stick around.
@@marcusr3795 I agree women have too much power and it makes men feel less needed and therefore not want intimacy. Totally get it. However, what irks me is those same men won't do anything to change that situation for themselves. Truthfully, women would rather have a loyal relationship because sleeping with multiple men poses waay too much risk for them. We honestly just want a guy thats a little more sucessful than us, who can take the lead and give us sex and security. All this women empowerment stuff is squashing that for all women. It's a tragedy.
@@whitneybates168
Everything and all you ask is empowerment stuff, individually it's ok, demanded in total it's unrealistic, what if us men says, we honestly just want a women who has a nice body and pretty face and isn't fat or will not get fatter, can be child bearing, who is corporative and supportive with consistent effort, will run the household, can cook, can have sex on demand, will not file for divorce because of emotion, and not abandons the family if we have a second women the moment we are successful enough too comfortably support multiple women w/o security of any compromise, that's all we want, have a very low body count or virgin, is that realistic to have all that?
Then ask you self this question, what will you compromise each year as you get 1 year older?
Will you a guy that's a little equally sucessful than you or a little less [and that's broad subject in success, if he's in business he can make 5x your income in 1 year and 1/2 the next, or he can be studying to be a professional - or is potentially more successful than you - no guarantees] or are you willing to take the lead from time 2 time or are you able too accept provide sex only as much as you provide him intimacy, or offer you commitment of security as long as you stay fit and support?
Unfortunately the point is you can't have it all, lower your standards quickly, or time will do it for you
@@whitneybates168why does the guy have to be “more” successful than you?
Great listen, and explanation in layman's terms.
I think this shit is bang on. Summed it up better than I could ever say.
What if the woman is disappointed with the man's sexual performance???? And he can't or won't improve himself. I dated 2 guys and both were very anatomically disappointing. Btw, size does matter. Tired of people saying size doesn't matter.
strap on strap off
Without sex it’s a friendship and maybe a very close one but just a friendship. Why be married if it’s just a friendship?
Good stuff.
An elegant framework deploying an analogy understood by everyone. Not only is a sexless marriage hell on earth, it is the societal conventions that keep those flames burning.
No sex means you’re not married, just roommates. And I don’t like roommates
For me personally, sex is a very important part of a romantic relationship. An entirely, permanently sexless relationship is one I'd probably end (at least as long as I am a very sexual being - age does change things). However, I see it as a normal part of life if it's just a temporary fluctuation.
That said, sex shouldn't be faced as a duty or a chore. There's nothing less sexy than having to do it just to please the other. It has to be free and mutually desired to be a good thing. "Forcing" oneself to do it when it's not something one desires might even result in aversion and worse problems in the long run. If there's a mismatch, it might signal an incompatibility, where no one is "right/wrong", or "normal/abnormal", just different. And perhaps not a good match.
And one could argue that there are other things that are (usually) only part of romantic relationships, such as life-partnership cohabitation and parenting as a unit. I am not saying that anyone should stay because of those things, if they're unhappy with the sexual aspect - I wouldn't. As for the work analogy, a counterpoint is that, if you are a rich person who doesn't need to earn money to pay your bills, for example, you might also want to do social, NGO work for free.
Finally, I just wanted to consider that some people, men and women, don't like, need or want sex as much as others. For those, if they find a compatible person who is similar, the other elements might be more than enough to be happy. It's not about right or wrong. It is totally valid to leave a relationship if one is sexually dissatisfied or if there's a libido mismatch. But some people are happy with very little or no sex.
Good points.
Facts
Wait, what? What was the point of your work analogy? "As for the work analogy, a counterpoint is that, if you are a rich person who doesn't need to earn money to pay your bills, for example, you might also want to do social, NGO work for free."
You're essentially saying... if a man has more sex than he could ever need (presumably from other women), then he won't need sex out of a romantic relationship. I mean, this is true. But it's a weird counterpoint to make. I don't think most women would be happy with such an arrangement, especially as it means they themselves wouldn't be receiving sex either.
The other points I mostly agree with, though I think 'duty' is a gray area. Modern women seem repulsed by the idea of having sex when they don't want to (and like to immediately exaggerate that idea towards the violent extreme of non-consensual sex as a claim of victimhood), but have far fewer issues doing work when they don't want to. They will respect a boss's wishes and expectations of them (work for me, do x for me) more than their committed partner. The crazy thing is the currency is the same.
Women will respect/comply with a boss because they are getting paid. Women getting paid (i.e. paid for) in a relationship, often times far more than what they could earn otherwise, means **less** respect/compliance with their partner? Make it make sense.
I also believe that doing something you don't want to do because it will make someone else happy or satisfied is a mark of selflessness and maturity. I honestly don't see the difference between a married woman denying her husband sex (without legitimate, physical reason) and a six-year-old stamping their feet and throwing a tantrum. They're both being difficult in a bid for attention and/or testing boundaries, focused on their own childish priorities while being ignorant (often willfully ignorant) of other people. I suppose the main difference is we're allowed to discipline the six-year-old, but nobody dares discipline an adult female child. Why would they? She'll just throw around buzz words like 'abuse' or 'assault'.
@@wentforapacketoffagsinatan7331or just wait until they're in the mood again because as you grow older and/or have kids sht happens...
I agree. Not all men want sex all the time, and some women are the same.. but I do think it’s unnatural to have a low sex drive. I guess fixing the low sex drive, or, finding a partner who you are compatible with is important.. people forget that we are all different.
Yes, this is truly common sense.
Interesting point
Well explained, great analogy.
This just sounds so mercenary.
Totally right!
Thank you 🙏🏽