Running With a Covert Narcissist
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- čas přidán 11. 11. 2022
- This is an educational documentary on covert narcissism. How to recognize it. How to become a survivor if you have been victimized by a covert narcissist.
#narcissism #narcissist #narcissistic
I went through 20 years of this, and nothing I could do or give was ever enough. He had been my therapist for 2 years before we started to date. I trusted him. He sabotaged any joy, any trust, any happiness we could have had. He cheated on me with two other patients and a coworker. Part of me died. After 20 years, he suddenly abandoned me, and even took my two beloved dogs, which he now neglects terribly. He still blamed me for everything, pathologized, shamed, and guilted me into the shell I am today.
It happens slowly, insidiously, and make no mistake- it only gets worse. Now he has moved on to a new supply, has fused with her and dismissed his entire family and small circle of friends. All other supply is gone, so he has to work very hard to keep the only supply on the scene. I am aware of things he has already done behind her back that would devastate her. I beg everyone to take this very seriously. Narcissistic abuse is no joke.
DeeCee, my covert narcissist was in the therapy field too!!!!!! I could not grasp that someone who had that profession could be any form of a narcissist because this is what their profession is. It doesn't matter, DeeCee. They can't see themselves for who they are... even though they probably come across the subject often in their profession. As for your narc finding a new supply, it makes my heart sink that they simply move on, not looking back or understanding the destruction they have caused. I hope you found the film useful. I made it for folks like you and me who are victims. it took me over a year to become a survivor. I hope the films teaches (and warns) people of what a covert narcissist is.
I was blind but then once you see it, you can't unsee it. The part about control is what I found mind blowing. This person is working hard at all times to maintain a mask. It is manipulation, squared.
I'm sorry Notaclue. For me, I kept wanting to go back and time and wish I never responded to some of the things that my covert narcissism was doing. I have said to myself "If I only knew then what I know now." So I don't think at all that you should be labeled as "blind" or not having a clue. You were just being a caring individual. The only think we can do now is to learn from what was done to us and be careful that it doesn't happen again with another person. You won't, though. You know what one looks like. So do I. In fact, I can immediately ID them very quickly. You should see how quickly I walk away. No one plays the control card with me anymore. Nor can they manipulate me. So it's manipulation minused to nothing.
Narcissist are literally acting like children when they show their true side
Yes
Excellent factual non-biased documentary! This should be in every victim's tool belt to give to their divorce attorney so they can hopefully understand what the victim suffers at the hand of covert narcissists in their lives and the horrific damage it causes.
Hi Martha, I am behind you 100%. Can I use this quote for the "Feedback" section of the film's website? It's a top comment. -James Bonato
I re-watched this documentary about covert narcissism, and I have to say that it was a really eye-opening experience. The film did an excellent job of exploring the concept of covert narcissism and how it can manifest in relationships, both personal and professional.
One thing that I particularly appreciated about the documentary was the way it featured a number of real-life stories from people who had experienced the manipulations and emotional abuse of a covert narcissist. These firsthand accounts really helped to bring the concept to life and gave a deeper understanding of the impact that this personality type can have on others.
I also appreciated the way the film delved into the psychology behind covert narcissism and provided insights into the motivations and thought patterns of this personality type. This helped to provide a more rounded understanding of the topic and gave me a greater appreciation for the complexity of the issue.
Overall, I would highly recommend this documentary to anyone who is interested in learning more about covert narcissism or who has experienced the manipulations of this personality type. It's a thought-provoking and informative film that provides valuable insights and strategies for dealing with a covert narcissist.
I echo that. It resonated with me and gave me hope for the future. It's been a long journey.
This really helped me realize more signs and helped give more validation to getting a divorce from my narcissistic wife
I'm stunned. I'm just stunned. Ice Hockey, I made this film to show people the signs. And to help victims know they are not alone. And to help turn them into survivors. What I am in awe of... is that there were a number of people in my life who so believed my narcissist that I was the one who was so terribly lost. And I couldn't argue because if I did, it would only solidify the narcissist's side. Thank you for posting this, Ice Hockey. Would you be so kind as to expand on your post a bit and write up a comment in my "Feedback" section of the site? That would get the word out that we are not alone. As your strong words that you are pursuing ending your misery by getting a divorce... would reverberate to thousands. Here is the link to the "Feedback" page:
www.runningwithacovertnarcissist.com/feedback
Same here. Im still fighting to see my kids. That's the worst part.
Be careful in court. Covert narcissists are extremely manipulative and great at playing the victim. And our court system is flooded with narcissistic people. Do some research on youtube, lots of good info on how to successfully navigate court with a narcissist.
@@Canadaunlockingcode , I am so sorry about the fighting for your kids. I thought I had it rough. *shaking head* I have heard so many stories of strife and I do not become desensitized. I wish for all victims peace and to find a way to get out of the fire ring of hell they are in. Let's stick together.
I am a survivor of covert narcissism Since 2005. ❤
This is an excellent film. Thank you for making it. I’m trapped in a twenty year marriage with a covert narcissist and I really can’t take any more of his abuse either mentally or physically. I’m working with a therapist to get myself free. I loved the line from the young man about narcissism being like a pandemic 😢
Loved it! It’s gonna help me tons, now I understand, it was never about me. Now I have to learn ,not to blame me anymore.. what a horrible way I’ve spent my life… but, that’s gonna change
Momdadpro, this was the reason I made the film, to help and make victims realize the fiasco with your covert narcissist is not about you. When I finally realized this, it felt good. Every once in a while their darkness crept back in. The way I addressed this was to say “I know who I am.” If you experience any revisiting, nip it in the bud and make it your mantra. Wishing you the best.
-James Bonato
THIS IS HEALING ME.
I WOULD WEEP UNCONTROLLABLY BUT IM AT WORK LOL
tcrump, it healed me too. That is why I made the film, to help heal. That was my aim and found that my own film helped me too. It is a long road, recovery is. Keep healing. And please spread the film to anyone you feel would benefit.
-James Bonato
Wonderful job James! Thank you for bringing this to the world!
Thank you, Lisa. It was something I had to do. After reading so many responses, I realized I am lucky. Although it was the harshest challenge of my life, I was able to become a survivor partly by making the film. Not everyone is a filmmaker. I had an outlet that not many people have. So I'm glad I could help.
I was raised by a mother with major NPD. It took me until I was 44 to understand what was actually happening. I walked away - no, ran away - and never looked back. I became the victim of her smear campaign but I wouldn’t give in. I lost my own family as a result but I made a new family. And I’ve been happy ever since.
Seamstress, these are the kind of stories that I am trying to get out. Have you seen the film? If so, would you be so kind as to go to the feedback page on the site (it is the second tab along the top) and write what you wrote here also commenting on the film? That would be helpful to everyone. -James Bonato
@@jamesbonato2836 Yes, Mr. Bonato, I have seen the film and I will do that for you. There is so much more to my experience with my mother, though. Should I explain more? For example, as the oldest child, almost everything was my fault. I grew up feeling guilty about everything. It took a lot of work as an adult to be able to recognize what is my responsibility and what is not. Etc. etc.
@@jamesbonato2836 Mr. Bonato, I have left feedback as you requested. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to briefly tell my story. It felt really good. One thing I forgot to say was that I am now so skilled in recognizing a person with NPD that I can instantly spot them and just as quickly have nothing to do with them. Bless you, Mr Bonato. You have helped a lot of people.
teach me how to heal my wounds from such a mother!
@@ElenaCristinaCojocaru I’m not an expert. I doubt if I can teach anyone. But I’ll tell you what things I did. As the oldest child, I got most of the blame for everything. Nothing was my mother’s fault. It was my fault. So I grew up apologizing for everything, even into adulthood. At one point, in my 40’s, I was hospitalized for an A-Fib episode. I kept apologizing to the nurses and doctors for being so much trouble for them. If I said something and someone heard wrong, I would apologize for not saying it better. What I had to do and what I did was to stop thinking of myself as being the cause of everything bad or inconvenient or misunderstood. I also read a lot of books and articles about NPD. I had to get my mother out of my head. I wish you well. I hope you can find your way out of the insanity of your mother. In my opinion, people with severe NPD take all the joy out of life and out of their victims. It’s a fight to get it back. But it’s possible. Good luck to you.
Wow I resonate entirely with everything being said in this film to a tee. Loved watching this. 2yrs ago after a 30yr relationship we went to couples therapy to discover he was diagnosed with bi polar, bpd & covert narcissism. I read an amazing book called "Walking on Eggshells" that honestly I swear I wrote that book. Even watching this film, makes me see that that definitely was my life. I have spent 2yrs building my independence, self esteem & getting back control of my own mind. 95% of the time he was normal but it was that 5% that was to an extreme that would twist my head & mentally pull me down. 6mths ago I went back to school & changed my career. September last year I told him we are done & took control of my life as if I was single already. We had not slept in the same bed in over 10yrs. It is now Jan & we are in the middle of him moving out. In the meantime I have not let him manipulate me nor play the victim on me, I shutdown his gaslighting & ignore getting into any confrontation with him. Hes been trying to be sweet but I see thru his bs now. I may still care so much for him but I understand hes wired different to me and I am also aware that we cannot grow together as my path has taken me in another direction. Its a sad loss but more importantly, a very necessary loss that I know, I will be thankful for later down the track when Ive healed myself. My family has seen my change, my growth and say "Welcome back to normalcy." I am happy & feel like a weight off my shoulders even tho hes not completely gone yet but my realisation of his inability & denial of his behaviour helps me to see past the charming funny man he is 95% of the time. My acknowledgement of all this keeps me determined & grounded to seek a better existence for myself. Back to the old me once again❤
30 years!?!?!??! *sigh* I have no words for that. It sounds like you would have been perfect for the film. It took me a long time to narrow it down to the three folks/stories to be in the film. I am saddened that you saw so much of your life in the film. But at least now you can point to my documentary and say "See!? See!? This is what I went though! See?!" That's actually why I made the film. To give fellow victims a platform to tell their story. I am hoping your future will be powerful and a turn-around from what you went through. -James Bonato
They need re-parenting, which takes ongoing work for a lifetime
And where are we going to find all these healthy parents to do the reparenting.
The hardest part is when their mask slips off. The end of it all and also a brand new beginning. But then again the memories last forever.
It took me a long time to truly see the whole picture. I realized what the experience did for me in allowing me to grow, and make the best of what happened. Quite frankly, making the documentary film was therapy for me. You are right though, when the mask came off my covert narcissist, it was the hardest fight of my life.
I dont know whats real anymore... if im the problem or him 😢😢😢😢😢
I cannot say. But one has to remember that convert narcissists are beyond brilliant at making we victims believe what is real and what is not. I went through what you are feeling to a certain extent. My narc was a "friend" and not a romantic partner. But it is very hard for a victim to put their feet into their shoes. It has a lot more to do than them playing the victim which they do so well. Imagine if you will, a person unable to know what true friendship or true love is. They only can mimic it. We assume we can reach them and know them. But there is nothing for us to know if nothing is there except a selfishness shell. Someone who is so ashamed of themselves that they lash out at we victims simply because we challenged them. I'm sorry for your problem. I hope some of your issues were addressed by the therapists in this film.
Wow, this is so practical and real...I've worked in menal health for 30 yrs, these little snippets of actors that millions of ppl have experienced quickly followed up by a trained therapist really make all this vunsumable for everyone, finally...I've studied npd, bpd, trained yrs ago in DBT therapy by Marcia Linehan..this is it, it's a developmental accident that cannot be changed...
Hi David,
Thank you for this wonderful comment. It was so hard to make this film on so many levels. Would you mind if I posted this on the "Feedback" page of the film's website?
Please do..I'm guessing it would be very difficult to film this as a working daily existence for public consumption...comparable to filming ppl with developmentally delayed sex offenders or something.
.there are plenty out there..except the psychopaths wear suits, have jobs, have kids, are lawyers, in churches, are family members..next to impossible to doc this w/o offending 30 million pl..in 10 min..this disorder effects well over 75 mlion ppl. It's responsible for all crime, sexual assault, femestic violence all infidelity...cheat, lie steal..or can't be fixed..the most invidious is ppl hide it with charm to a unsuspecting population that seek superficial charm, attractiveness or who ahabe been abused and think it's somehow normal...it's not..it is the # 1 public health threat in the world...24/7 every second a psychopath is destroying another human..yes use it..ty
Agree it's the #1 public health threat in the world.
And #2 is the massive amount of enablers without whom narcissists wouldn't be able to cause so much chaos.
May this film help many, and soon!
As you know Peter, as stated in my "Cause and Effect" email that I wrote you a while back.... you played a role in making this film. I'm sure you remember. :)
Great Job! This is a subject that too often gets overlooked or not understood! Thank you James for your outstanding work!
This was absolutely amazing to watch. As a survivor of narcissistic abuse, short term thank God but life altering, I thoroughly enjoyed watching. Thank you to everyone involved in this production and might I add upon watching, it was a very healing experience for me 💕
Thank you Carrie. I made the film to educate folks on Covert Narcissism and to let survivors know we are all in this together. Please spread the link.
-James Bonato
James! This is fire!! I love it. This is so real. I love this man. You out did yourself. I hope this one goes super popular.
Another wonderful film by James Bonato! I am sure this will reach and help many people.
I thought this was really well done. It makes me wonder if I have ever been with a narcissist.
Awesome work ❤my only thing: In my experience, I kept on leaving jobs because they were never good enough for her. I would get “you’re only making “this” an hour. Plus the constant pressure, and belittling at home didn’t help at work. I think that could go either way.
Thanks so much for this. I was married to a covert narcissist for almost 10 years. I don’t know how I found my way out of the maze but material like this will absolutely get people out. Thanks again
When I had my world come down around me, I was intensely focused on making the film. I said "I'm going to make lemonade out of lemons. I'm going to give fellow victims/survivors a voice and to let them know they are not alone. I'm going to show the world what covert narcissism is." Your comment here is making me realize that my effort was not in vain. Stay strong, Alexander!
Once again, a fantastic film! This was such an interesting topic and such a compelling presentation.
Thank you, I think this actually provided some decent insight into the phenomenon, as to what one would experience personally that could be difficult to detect. But there were definitely what I see as some very dangerous subtleties, like defining narcissism so gently and as a thing that can be in any way affected and changed, in its minor forms.
This was a fantastic documentary!
I was a victim of this type of narcissist and it has been a really challenging recovery process but it is helping me develop a program to help others regain their self confidence and self-worth, regulating their nervous system and also navigating the process of grieving something that was never real.
Please feel free to reach out, I’d love to connect.
Claudia, I am trying to put into words how your message has made me feel. I made the film to help fellow folks like you and me know they are not alone. Would you be so kind as to let me post this comment in the "feedback" page on the film's website? People need to hear this. -James Bonato
Excellent video and advice ,particularly in relation to covert narcissism. once the mask is removed and you become aware it helps to put things into perspective and handle differently.
Great work! Thanks for bringing this issue to the forefront!
This last comment is from Holly Schotz (not sure why it is named "Informed_Electorate)
Great movie. Tanks a lot!
Great info, thanks
Thank you for this ❤
Good 👍 job guys. Best knowledge sharing. Lotta loves from India 🇮🇳
I am running away, rather than with the narc; what a relief!( Dad is my narc). I won't give him the satifaction; my win!
I am so sorry to hear this, Jackilyn. I've heard so many stories of covert narcissism and I never get desensitized. Your own father. That's rough. As you saw in the film, there was a story about this. I am guessing you identified with some of it. Please know you are not alone.
Well done examples. My only issue would be that a psychiatrist would not generally diagnose someone as a narcissist verbally in front of his wife..
Point taken, ChirstineWagner. This actually happened though. Perhaps there was another option he could have taken.
thank you ❤❤😭
You are welcome. This is a film I HAD to make!
i honestly think all personality types should be taught in schools where its a safer environment there supported and they can understand at a young age what is ok and what isn't
I made an attempt to get my film into several local high schools because I agree with you 100%. But it fell on deaf ears. :(
But what if the administrators and school board are full of narcissists.
@@SamStone1964 , the best thing I could do is at least try to get my film into the local school system. (Montgomery County, Maryland) I was categorically turned down at every step. Whether that was because there was a narcissist on the board, I don't know. I kinda doubt it. I think it was just a taboo things where it would be opening up a can of worms for faculty-parent relations.
This was very good. I only wish more attention is paid to the narcissistic siblings. Especially when they are older. It is so seldom addressed. Yes, romantic relationships are important and damaging, but so too, are sibling, even worse in that you are subjected to it from birth. It colors every day of your life growing up. This is HUGE. Also, the narcissistic mother would NEVER give up her daughter to someone else. NEVER HAPPEN.
The three stories are 100% true. Almost every word in the script are exact quotes from the victims. Here's how I did it. At one point I had the field of candidates down to six. I had phone conversations with them and I asked them if I could record their words. "Sure!" So when I decided who the final three victims/survivors were, I transcribed the segments from all three into a shooting script. The actors read the lines (although a few of the actors took creative liberties on a few of the lines, which I approved) so indeed this film is a true documentary which was of utmost importance to me. The stories and people that were brought to me came from several sources, many were therapist referrals. Now here's the thing... the one story that is in the film that I knew personally about was the very story you are referring to, the adoption one. M.E. Tuthill... I know the victim well and I know the child well. I barely knew the narcissist. I met her once at a party. The story is 100% true. I do understand your questioning the facts because it was a stand out case. Funny, just this morning I came across a victim who's narc is in therapy. I was like "What!?!?! That is extremely rare!" So apparently there are cases, rare as they are. I actually touch on the fact that not every narc story is textbook in my speech. Did you it? My speech is on the "Media" page. Please watch. Lastly, you bring up an excellent point about family members being narcs. I had a heck of a time balancing and narrowing down which three stories I was going to use. I had to sacrifice many things to make this work. The family angle is one of many things I was not able to tell a story about. The one I was dying to use, but couldn't was the cop narcissist. There was no way I was going to get the local police department to let me commandeer the station. And also arrange reenactment of those ghastly scenes. Thank you for watching and please spread the film to anyone you feel would benefit. -James Bonato
P.S. I just checked, I just hit 10,000 views of the film. I have it on three platforms and it is now at a grand total of 10,013.
From my observations the narcissistic sibling transfers their rage for their parent/s onto their sibling.
And they'll likely be rewarded by their narc parent for harming the family scapegoat.
I refused to move in with the covert narcissist. When he had doctors appointments he would want me to drive 100 miles to take him when he had friends a mile away that would.
Robin, stay strong! Stay strong and stand firm about not moving in. I have found in making this film that it takes we victims a long, long time to understand what was done to us. We want to be there for our narcs, thinking they might be able to see the light. And the joke is on us because we can try for years before we know they have a disorder and cannot grasp the concept of empathy. They can mimic it, but they can never know. Our reward? We get attacked. Thanks for commenting, Robin.
Thank you for creating and posting this. This is quite useful. However, how come I felt less hurtful when i watch this. Is it because I am watching this but not in this situation ? Or maybe the story is not severe ? Or I have seen more severe situation like passive aggressive
When I was gathering stories (and there were a lot) I had to choose ones that were plausible to film. I had gathered many stories from folks wishing for theirs to be in the film. And a number of them were devastating! There was one story that came from a cop family but it would have been quite difficult to simulate, filming in police departments and stuff. So yes, I understand the "feeling less hurtful". Also, there was something inside me that dictated to me to choose some more universal ones that folks could identify with. And those did seem to be "tame" if you can even call it that.
They are charming, but obviously fake. The too good to be true types.
None of the stories or characters are fake. I went through a tough process narrowing the field down to three stories. About 99% of the dialogue you hear in the script is first hand. I recorded the three victims audio and I transcribed what they said onto the script. The actors who portrayed each of the three victims and narcs may have changed the lines slightly. But it is not fake, Katiecat. I believe one of my interviews on the "media" page, I go into it in detail. In another tv interview I explained it as well.
I don’t think she meant the actors but the narcissists. They are fake people behind the charm. I totally agree
TFP can help a narcissist change personality traits.
What does TFP stand for? I Googled it and found Transference Focused Psychotherapy. Is this what you are referring to?
Im suffering. I just wish I had means to move out of my mom's house.😢
LindM, I have found that I had to go through what I had to go through to leave the situation I was in with my covert narcissist. For you, leaving Mom's house. It sounds like you now know what you have to do. But actually doing it is another thing. Keep going in that direction and it will find you. On that day, start a new healthy life. Stay the course. That is what happened to a few of the victims in my film. As you can see, they finally made it.
-James Bonato
this is really how my ex did this to me....I'm glad our relationship didn't work out... after 2 years of relationship and we broke up a month ago,he still sending message to my relatives that he wants his stuff back...
Ariess, this is so typical of a covert narc. They want you still in their life is some illogical way because they so need the attention. And you gave it to them at one point. I had always been frustrated that I ever met my covert narcissist. I came to realize my myself (as well as close friends) that if this didn't happen to you, you wouldn't have been able to help other folks. It was the worse part of my life, but maybe it was suppose to happen. Stay strong, Ariess!
Jezebel spirit
Not all narcissists are sociopaths. All sociopaths are narcissists. Sociopaths grew up abused as children. Sociopaths break laws.
Living Breathing Robot Statues.
How to unalive him is what I need lordfff