The Two Codependent Personalities: Why You Need To Know About Both
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- čas přidán 12. 06. 2021
- In this episode of Heal The Hurt podcast I am going to share the fascinating polarity of the two codependent personality types and the characteristics of each. Codependency can be characterized as living in one of 2 extremes.
On one extreme is the under-empowered and at the other end of the spectrum lies the falsely-empowered.
Discover why the rarely mentioned falsely-empowered codependent requires just as much of empathy, understanding, and help and many times gets confused for being narcissistic.
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Hi, I'm Kenny, a Coach, CZcamsr, Podcaster, and Author in Phoenix, Arizona. I make videos about the strategies and tools to help you heal from emotional hurt to elevate your life. I'm an advocate for truth, healing, and personal responsibility.
I also have a weekly podcast called Heal The Hurt (geni.us/healthehurt). I also write a weekly email newsletter with tips and resources to break free from self-destructing behaviors and learn to love yourself and live your best life to feel powerful through empowerment.
One thing I've learned is admitting things doesn't make you separate or bad or defective! It's so freeing! The burden of trying to be perfect is gone..
Perfectly said.
I’m nearly 50 .. my step mum dying last year ripped any remaining scales from my eyes .. I thought I was well on the way to healing but I wasn’t .. my dad is shining his full toxic array of colours and I’ve tried to Sheild my adult son and daughter from his manipulation .. in the process I’ve realised how my behaviour is still co dependant and I have to trust their relationships and their judgements and be around for healthy discussions and we’ve done that .. I’ve had opportunities to talk with my son and daughter without having to force an issue .. and I’ve asked them to never be afraid to be honest and open with me .. when I’m off my game and in my high horse they mustn’t be afraid to rein me in … I’ve talked out the books I’ve bought and I’ll pass them on .. I’ve held my hands up to all the times my head was so far up my arris is choked my colon … I’m so very lucky that my children are patient and forgiving and tog et her we work it out … I’m in a far better place to help guide them with their insecurities and we acknowledge where we go wrong … the difference in our bond is like night and day … I know we’re just starting out on our journey but we’re all pulling in the same direction and that’s the magic … we love each other and respect each other and we’ve taken a huge leap out of a generational whirlpool of perfect imperfections … now I feel as though we’re breaking new ground and I can’t wait to become a granny one day 🙏.. best wishes to everyone embarking on this journey and I hope you find it liberating too.
It is freeing to be honest. The truth set us free ❤!
Love this! Yes, it's a weight lifted.
@@alleynejoelle yes indeed it truly does
My god?!?! I knew codependency wasn’t solely overly empathetic. This was my identity… I’m a victim and others take advantage of my kindness. In reality I’m filling my worthiness void with the gratitude of others.
I’m a millennial female over impowered. Because I’m so detached I never saw myself as co dependent. I’m so grateful to have clicked on this video!! I feel so validated thank you & god bless you!!
Superb video @kenny! Knowing you can vacillate between over and under powered codependent is a great and helpful distinction. As is starting out as overpowered and switching to underpowered when a relationship is secured.
Hello Kenny. Thank you, thank you, thank you for this video. The idea of co-dependency in both directions (over and under empowered) has just about blown me away - in a positive sense. It clicked in my head a few times while watching the video. It fits sooo well with what I'm currently discussing with my therapist (balance between autonomy and connectedness). And thank you also for your open words about yourself - I don't see that as unprofessional, on the contrary: I see your authenticity in it and find it exemplary. All the best for you, peace!
Thanks for bringing out the difference between empath and codependent. I am just binge watching some videos for my own inner work. ❤
I have experienced both of these
It was soo painful to watch this,i hv to admit that i am the overempowered codependent,closed off alot.been completely alone for a year now,i really want to connect but for me 1.i dont feel like its safe for me to open up 2.im always scared that once i do commit or fall in love that the other person would just turn on me and i would be trapped with a narc.
We develop those defensive skills because for a period of time they work. They help us navigate the painful situations of our childhood.
Eventually, as an adult, they stop working and they start creating more problems in our life.
In your other comment I left you suggestions that will help you if you feel you’re ready to heal?
You are putting into words what I found out about myself, my family and dynamics within our familysystem. I felt so manipulated by an overempowered empath, even thought she is a narcissist.
Appreciate your self-awareness, sincerity, compassion, and humility.
Thank you
"I have been abusive to my children." OMG you are so good to video yourself saying this. It is helpful. I asked my mom to open up her mind to the fact that she has contributed in her way to the problems in our relationship (that I'm not the sole culprit), and she couldn't. Parents making snide, sarcastic passive aggressive jabs at their children is highly problematic. It deeply hurts. The child has to shoulder the "blame" that they made you say it, they deserved that comment.
Yes I couldn’t help to be abusive because that’s what I was taught I was verbally and emotionally abusive. I’m in constant healing from years of incorrect teaching
@@coachingforchrist4090 Makes sense. She gave me a couple examples of things her parents said and did to her when she was a child and they were appalling. But when I pointed out to her the abusive way they treated her, she disagreed. She said they were teaching her lessons. So, like you say, it's a learned behavior. I know I learned some of my bad traits straight from my parents. She completely idolized hers. Would NEVER be disagreeable or confrontational with them, even when they were needlessly verbally attacking me. She stood by and stayed silent.
@@alleynejoelle Thanks for sharing.. its an honor to be heating and soaring, becoming better humans 🙂
This is an awesome video!Everyone used to tell me I was too nice. I went to therapy and learned it was my way of dealing with my own traumas. When I started to put my boundaries in place I was all of a sudden heartless. So I let myself become totally unaffected. I wasn't. Deep down I was severely affected and had to learn how to be more balanced. I went to CODA with my narcissistic mom as a child, and so its been a triggering experience to become more honest with myself about my own reality of who I am. I love that you're all about reality and honesty. Its been the key to working things out with my traumas. Love your work! Thank you for these awesome tools!
I am happy what I teach is a help to you. ;-)
@@kennyweiss Him any many others. God love you for helping us now , the way you were taught.
Finding out I'm codependent is one of the hardest pills I've had to swallow in my life. I appreciate your honesty and help.
I am so glad you pointed out that we can swing back and forth between under and over empowered. That's me. This is all very helpful.
You are very welcome
I am too.
Over-empowered, way more, the last few years- emotionally and physically, probably because I realize the other way isn’t working for me anymore. 🤪 When I fell a month ago, I didn’t allow myself to be in touch with it, despite bleeding from a bad scrape on my left. I bandaged it up and went right to the gym, deciding I’m not going to let this get in my way. I’m on my own. Then a week later, My right leg was really bothering me, and I learned I sprained it. My father told a nurse after I smashed my left knee meniscus a long time ago, “My daughter has a high tolerance for pain,” and to give me more pain killers. Ah connections!
I love how you call yourself out and laugh at yourself. That's so refreshing. It makes me like you more. :)
Kenny , I always thought the overpowered Codependent was a Narcissist..Thank you so much for Explaining this ! I was the Perfect Child to get Love , Exhausting !! Again Thank you for EXPLAINING ALL the Perfectly Imperfect !! People ❤
Yesss, i am the coindependent. I dont need anyone...i am strong and nothing hits me. This is the mask i have....in the past i acted more codependent. From one wall to the other. That costed me a lot of development...now growing to the in between situation...it takes so long and it cost me so much effort. I had a very difficult youth and the most surprising part of it is that i survived it. Now still attracting very destructive people. But working on it. Step by step. Thank you for you knowledge and vibes. It helps!
Sometimes expressing passionately can be confused for over empowerment is not over empowerment but deep commitment to a belief or understanding that worked for themselves.
@joanaziz745 Ah, yesss! When I uncover a new-to-me-truth, it is so empowering, so life-giving, so inspiring that I enthusiastically share with those I care about… and usually they don’t receive it the way I presumed they would!
A short period of time later, after I’ve been on top of the world with my joyful, hopeful, childlike wonder, everyone-needs-to-know-this enlightenment, I am, again, despondent, depressed, self-deprecating, withdrawing, avoiding contact and connection.
I had no idea what an empath was until a few people labeled me as one. I started researching and I felt convicted. It seems like a term being tossed around as though it's something to be glorified. I don't want the glory and don't need the glory. I don't want people attaching themselves to me and looking for me to give them life. I'm not God, nor do I need the recognition or glorification as though I am God. I'm a human who has been broken and hurt by others but I don't need or want to he on a pedestal because of my trauma. I want healing and freedom that I've only been able to find in Jesus. Everyone and everything else left me depleted and empty. I want restoration and it most certainly doesn't come solely from people.
I’ve been on self discovery journey since as long as could read. I have watched countless hours of these type of videos for years and you have spoken to me more than any other.
It's crazy isn't it. Hours and hours and I've never herd it explained this way. It makes so much Sense.
This is really helpful! I'm trying to sort out my codependency and you touched on a lot of things I've never considered. Thanks!
Glad it was helpful John!
Wow! I am in tears, this is the last puzzle piece that had to fall in place. Just filed for divorce, and was so torn up about it because I still love him and feel so selfish for wanting to separate. While I am the classic underpowered co-dependent he is the over-empowered one. I was so confused and unable to understand why our behaviours were like an echo chamber reinforcing this state of chaos and hurt. I am grateful that I found therapy, support groups and good friends that put the mirror in front of me and was able to see the truth finally. Breaking up is like mercy for both of us. I will find my way out of this pit, (and how co dependent of me to say) hope that he will too and I will be able to stay away and not control his recovery/downfall and honor this boundary.
I soooo appreciate your own vulnerability. How refreshing from my psych, who never shared anything about herself for almost 35 years, and was like a parent to me. So wrong.
Thank you
I love your transparency. It's truly appreciated.
Thank you 😁
I love what you do and I take away something from each video. I think that codependents live their whole life, living just under the radar. We’re never sure who we are and never want others to find out who really is behind that mask.
Beautifully said and so true👏👌
This makes so much sense. I’ve never heard it presented this way. Thank you for taking the time to make this video.
You’re very welcome. I have a whole codependence playlist which would probably really help you if you’ve never heard the difference between the two before.
Thanks so much for your vulnerable sharing. It's really great in that you become our stepping stone to healing. I was in therapy last year and felt so incompatible with my doctor. She had some type of grandiosity, and I felt a bit judged. Also, thanks for pointing out these realities that we are so oblivious to. I agree. Once I admitted that I had secondary gains from being an empath, it was an awakening. Lol at the illusion that sometimes I know it all. Today, I practiced not instructing but coaching, and only when asked😉. I'm catching myself, it's oh so beautiful and yes, I am starting to enjoy this process. It's fun. It's life's lessons. Challenging yet fulfilling. Scary too 😳 oh and there's funny aHa moments 😄
Guilty of the less than over acheiver who hates intimacy from being rejected for over acheiving and rejected for under acheiving.
I did both alternately at times and tried to figure it out my whole life.
Probably one of the best topics you have done for us! Had me deeply reflecting. I am getting counseling and at least I can describe what my problem is from all this learning for best focus!
I hate how a lot of other utubers make empaths seem totally normal people and focus on the narcissist hate and never teach that they are very abnormal too! It will s a two way problem or we would never have let these toxic others in our lives to fool us!
Thankyou so much for this video! I'm a Borderline who keeps falling for codependents... mostly overempowered and trying to get out of the trap right now. I'm working on getting rid of my rescue fantasy so I stop believing their fake help which ends up being an excuse to control me.
This helped me put some crucial pieces together, thank you! I love your transparency. It’s refreshing. Because at the end of the day… we are all perfectly, imperfect, as you humbly break it down 🙏🏼
1.chilhood trauma
2.low self esteem
3.to needy for someone else to take care of them
4.dysfuntional boundaries
A.over share
B.too distand
I am learning so much from you, thank you for your generous videos explaining this!!
You bet
Also in my opinion you judge yourself a little to harshly. Thanks for this. It explains so much about me and you are the first ive heard it from. Keep on keeping on!
As a believer in Christ and His work of redemption, I go thru this journey you describe. My strength ? The knowledge that the truth always makes free. Every kind of lie is a prison. I like your approach. I surprised myself many times reacting with "amen !" (that means : it's right, I agree !). I think the worse thing I can do is living in denial and fleeing the confrontation. The first pain makes actually the way open to relief. From that place, you stop to juge falsely and you can step into forgiveness. Blessings !
I cant even deny this😞😖😭,not needing help,defensive,not vulnerable,detached;i move on real quick after a breakup,;rage;i just cant control my rage i have my episodes and when i do i often find myself biting myself or cutting myself inorder to feel better..how do i change iv always wondered whats wrong with me,now i know,i really want to heal plz help!
That is so sad to hear you are in so much pain and have experienced so much pain in your life. You have tremendous courage in that you want to heal.
If it were me and I were in your shoes, I would start learning how to heal my childhood trauma.
To do that I would take advantage of my free master class which shows you how to start the process.
I would also encourage you to pick up my book so you can understand the process more deeply.
After doing those two things, if you really feel like you’re ready to continue, I would suggest hiring a professional like myself.
If those suggestions work for you, here’s the link to my free master class-
thegreatnessu.com/p/your-journey-to-emotional-mastery
And here is the link to my book- www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1981471014/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1628359317&sr=8-3
@@kennyweiss Thanks alot for responding.
@@deenique3112 you are so welcome 😁
This is the most authentic and helpful videos I have found on co-dependency. Thank you for your vulnerability, research, honesty...
I really hope I get to a stage of awareness that you have, you are able to identify moments when you are in the polarities, your sharing that vulnerability is lovely to witness. Congratulations on your journey this far. Im some way back on my journey- mainly underempowered. Its a painful journey but id prefer it to complete denial. Thanks for the info
Thank you for this podcast. I found the answer for that little doubt I had when I thought I deal with the narcissist.... Some work is to be done, but will be done. I believe in it!
You are welcome :)
I love the explanation about empaths.
I see myself as an empath but I don't let everyone and everything sway me. I have had trouble with loss, I would really go into depression, feel I couldn't live without said person. I've been working on myself for the past 3 years and my faith in God has really helped me step into my self worth in God.
I love your transparency. It’s all so enlightening.
Thank you very much
Your personal honesty helps me more than any therapy teachings alone
Your podcasts are literally saving me!🙌
I’m happy to hear that
This is so good. Thanks for your vulnerability and wisdom.
Forever grateful I happened to click on one of your videos one day because your videos and book have changed my life significantly. Thanks to you, my struggles of my past make sense and I'm now in a much much healthier place!!
Kenny Thanks for being so authentic and transparent with us. It seems…Sometimes teachers or counselors stay quiet about their own experiences and then I think they have it all figured out. You are a great example of “Healer, Heal thyself first” thanks for keeping it real with all of us on this path of healing.
Greatly appreciate your sincerity Mr. Weiss (open-hearted warts-and-all approach, sharing your own experiences). You explained towards the end why that is important in the client-therapist relationship. It definitely makes a big difference! Can identify with a lot of what you said. Understanding!
You are a great role model. You are vulnerable, imperfect and humble. It's hard to accept uncertainty in our lives, but when we do it frees us to learn and grow.
I appreciate your honesty and transparency. A lot to think about - uplifting!
Thank you! Wish my former therapist had been this open and honest! The good is that I’ve now heard it!
Admitting your truth the way you do is the most healing experience i have ever experienced.
Kenny, I'm so glad I found your channel today, you have helped me so much in understanding what I've been trying to figure out myself and the woman I've been for so many years... I'm now on my healing journey to a better me!
Good for you 🎉👏
Your honesty and vulnerability is admirable. Great video as usual.
Thank you. I am happy to hear it works for you.
I love you Kenny! Your videos have helped me heal from my codependency pain more than any other tools I used.
Glad to help
Such an amazing video. Thank you
Your honesty is a great teacher. I see myself in your confessions
This is by the best description of how it is to be codependent, fun as it is to watch this video i see myself just like you the stuck feeling about the grandiose feeling and you just want to be there for a longer time. I see that as a strength and it feels great when you don't have to always think or do what the others tell you to do. Even if codependence is not about that but at the same time i like to be in the center of everything. Such a great video, many thanks for creating this reflection. Best regards.
What a great video! Thank you very much for your candor.
I love your transparency and honesty. Thank you.
You are so welcome
Insightful and thorough on another level from any professional in this field I’ve ever seen or spoken with.
Kenny!! Thank heaven for you & your work. I stumbled upon your channel as I scoured CZcams for videos on narcissism. I’ve been in a relationship for 11 years & for the past couple of years had been noticing increasingly narcissistic qualities in my partner. And boy was I blame shifting!
But then I asked myself, “I have fallen in love with a narcissist & stayed with him now for 11 years, what does that say about me?” Then I found your video on 7 Ways We Attract Narcissists. TOTAL LIFE CHANGER!
With your work serving as a catalyst for me, I am now able to see myself as a primarily falsely empowered, love avoidant co-dependent in recovery.
I am planning on taking your emotional mastery program & ordering your book, along with the Pia Melody books you recommended. Again, truly, THANK YOU ❤️
Yes, I'm glad you shared your personal journey in addition to the distinctions. Very helpful ❤️
Glad it was helpful!
I like the style of your delivery Kenny. I do not take it either way...I take it as the authentic YOU. I think people are drawn to these videos because you come across as real.
Wow, I love your honesty ! Wow !
kick-ass analysis!
Nice to see a happy helpful person on u tube. Thank you!
Happy to help!
Kenny . Wow! This is extremely helpful . Thank you 🙏💕
This is a big video! Sooo much information and insights. The freedom here I felt is that we can accept our imperfections and then flow with them....both ways in a relationship. I see you are demonstrating this with humor...
The advice on the professionals was on point. The moderation part is very helpful also. Thank you.
You’re welcome
WoW !!! Your Christmas’s sounded fabulous 🌟🎄 Great memories!!
Yes it was!
I couldn't take notes fast enough 😊 thank you so much
You're welcome 😊
Thank you so much for this. This really helped me
So helpful! Thanks for sharing.
You’re welcome
Thank You! Very good video.
Great video! Fully agree to your findings! Same experience.
You nailed it!! Im gonna send this to all my cases who call themselves an "empath"!...great!
Thank you once again Kenny. You have made sense of it all, the opposite traits of codependant victims. God bless you.
Thank you for helping me understand my imperfections and I am optimistic about my future challenges.
You are so welcome!
I love this Chanel. So thankful
Thank you Kenny. Just thank you. ❤️🩹💓
Thank you for your videos, they are helping me a lot!!
Happy to hear that!
Appreciate you for sharing..Thank you🙏🙏
Hi , you are so sincere , I love that!
Kenny, This is totally off topic and I have to say how much I enjoy your use of color in your decor and wardrobe. Fantastic! I’m an artist that loves color, so I support your expression. That being said, thank you also for your teachings on co-dependence. It is helping both my husband and I accept and handle some NARC relatives right now. Heartbreaking, sad, and yet I’m grateful that the mask has slipped.
Yr a legend Kenny!
Sooo authentic and aware of yr own inauthenticity equally. I want to join the journey of self realisation and healing. I’m going to embark on yr course and jump into the truth of my part of all this.
Kenny, you’ve opened my eyes a bit and helped me understand some things about myself and my past. You also remind of Ric Flair which is dope.
Incredible video❤
I just found your channel from a link sent by a friend, and you just earned another subscriber. I've been studying psychology literature and content pretty intensively for over 3 years to try to understand and address issues caused by attachment issues, neglect and abuse from birth through my teens and beyond and a very emotionally abusive and damaging relationship with my last romantic partner after the loss of my wife of 22 years. I recently discovered that I have the adaptations that meet the criteria for Schizoid and Avoidant Personality Disorders, and after a LOT of study and very difficult introspection I can clearly see those polar opposites of codependency in different aspects of myself, the outer wall AND internal partitions concealing the inner needs even from myself. I also really appreciate your analysis of the inversion of codependency types in our societies' sexual dynamics- I've made similar observations in different words, (I call it Leninism in drag) but yours speak more clearly to the inner processes involved, thank you so much for having the insight and testicular fortitude to bring this issue and this lens into the public sphere. ALL of these issues need to be widely discussed at length if we're to having any chance of a real life or future as opposed to the raging dumpster fire that is currently Western culture. Thanks so much Kenny, I'm looking forward to more of your clearly explained and very relatable content.
Thanks a lot for your videos. It helps very much.
This is so true! These videos are sooooo good wow!!!!
Good stuff!👍
I just want to say well done on your self analysis and discovery and having the courage to be open and vulnerable enough to work through your trauma. And for teaching others about this.
This also sounds so much like narcissism so it's codepency not narcissism?
Kenny you are the BEST! Ty, ty, ty.
You are so welcome😁
very important info here. ty!!
You're welcome!
Wonderful information, thank you
Glad it was helpful!
Oh my. That's a real different perspective. I'll have to keep listening. Never heard it quite that way before. But it certainly sounds reasonable. Thank you.
Great video! For my husband, he’s has moment as a father but is consistent with his narc traits as a spouse. But it doesn’t come out at all over the phone or when he meets new people.
This video is AWESOME❤… Thanks
Glad you liked it!
Thank you very much
But Sir,.........you do come with a different perspective understanding the empath..... And I like it !!!!.... I am not always moderate......
Very interesting.... I've known I'm a co-dependent... tried to figure out my husband who is emotionally unavailable. He was abused as a child, but I found it hard to believe He was a narcissist. Now this makes more sense!!!!