Narcissistic and Emotional Abuse, Part 1
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- čas přidán 27. 11. 2022
- Episode 1 - Mad.In.Love podcast
In the very first episode of Mad.In.Love, Dr. Hawkins and Sharmen Kimbrough talk about narcissism and emotional abuse, and more specifically, how it shows up in the context of relationships. They discuss some of the ways you can work toward healing your relationship, as well as what to do when you’ve tried a thousand ways to connect with your partner and there is “nothing more to be done.”
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Dr. Hawkins and his team of experts offer education and professional training as well as treatment for narcissistic and emotional abuse.
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ABOUT:
Mad.In.Love is hosted by Dr. David Hawkins, MBA, MSW, MA, PhD., a renowned clinical psychologist and expert in the field of narcissism and emotional abuse. He is the founder and director of the Marriage Recovery Center and The Emotional Abuse Institute. Dr. Hawkins is is passionate about helping couples heal marriage wounds and rediscover deeper connection and intimacy, and has brought healing and restoration to thousands of couples since he began this work over forty years ago. Dr. Hawkins is a speaker & trainer for the American Association of Christian Counselors and writes for Crosswalk.com, CBN.org, and Believe.com. He has made regular appearances on Moody Radio and Faith Radio and is a best-selling author of over thirty books.
#emotionalabuse #narcissism #narcissist
One cannot put a band-aid on emotional abuse. It creates an internal wound that seeps into the victim’s soul. It chips away at one’s heart, bit by bit, day by day. Emotional abuse is insidious.
Yes.This abuse is very 'deliberate' and aimed at destroying the spirit and spark, and steals the good health of the empathetic person. In any relationship.
Well said.
It's like cancer - grows more aggressive and the damage increasingly insidious. Often, the abuse begins to grow beyond the husband and is taken up by children and the community because of the lack of regard. It's terrible to witness. Emotional abuse destroyed my strong, intelligent mother. She was so degraded over time - and her resistance on ly made it worse. My father was the "good guy" and alienated her from her children. We were taught to look down on her. As an adult, I see it clearly. Such a corrupt, destructive, evil dynamic.
I was treated like the enemy. I told him I am not his enemy, but in the end I couldn’t maintain the connection I was desperate to foster and became reactive and lashed out and now I feel worse than when I was going through the emotional abuse, I feel like he wanted me to behave this way so he could feel better about himself and now my reactions negate all his hurtful behaviors towards me.
That's exactly how it's supposed to work, I learned the hard way too.
Ugh same for me. Like we don't have a right to be upset. They can't recognized they drive us to this point. My heart breaks too. I hope you heal from this.
@@elsizzle2000 Umm…they may not consciously realize some of the specifics but if they do that successfully with no consequences…yikes.
This has been my experience too.
Wow. So we’ll put Tanya. I was so kind and caring to this guy. But he just kept digging and pushed me over the edge. Now I feel terrible for something I’ve never done before. I feel so guilty and horrible, and I bet he feels justified in being so nasty.
My husband can't even repeat the mean things he does for me. He acts like he forgets, . . .. the pride is so strong.
Oh yeah! A whole lot of pride.
Same. "I didn't say that" "you're remembering that wrong it didn't happen like that" "it was just a joke" ECT...
Big hugs❤
@@karenkuske5567 I feel the smear campaign coming on . . . .its gonna be a nightmare to get out.
Y’all aren’t going to like me when I say this. But gaslighting like that is a defensive mechanism to fight off shame and guilt. When you say husband can’t repeat the mean things he says…you want him to repeat them?? Im confused on the why…but the end result is the same anyway I guess.
@@DrPhilGoode i didnt mean repeat them in the sense of doing them again to me. I meant he can't even accept and take responsibility for the mean things he has done to me.
Narcissists can’t sit with their shame. They have to find a way to sweep their shame under the rug.
That is true! It's a healthy shame, not the condoning shame. Healthy shame causes us to reflect and make changes.
My husband of 28 yrs doesn’t know how to be a husband due to his narcissistic sociopath father & his abusive, dysfunctional childhood. He doesn’t know how to fight for me, stand up for me, nurture me. Yet! He did all these things while we were dating and engaged. He’s told me he was “being somebody he wasn’t.” What in the world? He gaslights me, I call him out on it, then he acts as if he’s done nothing wrong &/or is super nice to me & attentive for a few days. I’m so sick of the games, of the cycle. He’s only like this with me & our kids. Everyone else thinks he’s absolutely amazing! I feel so torn, confused & stuck. He rarely talks. Is always busy. We basically just watch shows together. I don’t even want to go out on dates with him. I don’t really enjoy it. He checks his stupid Apple Watch every time it goes off. 😢
Yes he is stuck. It wasn’t until my wife declared NPD and showed me these videos and pathway that I’m able to begin the hard work. I do want to, am desperate to change, he might too?
Blaming his father is no excusxe (for him) - surely there were other examples he could can been - or chosen - to follow or model himself after, even if it was just a movie. They act this way because they enjoy the benefits.
Hi Genevieve, I lived this exact pattern in my 36 years with my ex.
It was like being on a crazy hamster wheel. Just when I thought we were getting somewhere in our relationship, things would revert to the usual hurtful things, of snide comments, blame and rage. I couldn't take it any more. Coming home to our house, was not a safe and comforting feeling. I experience a deep dread on approaching our street, wondering what it was I would be going home too. Jackel or Hyde.
Leave! I’m so disappointed in women staying in these situations. At the very least PUSH back & quit putting up with his crap!!! Then he’ll cheat if he’s not already, & leave you anyway. Leave first!
Narcissist’s are wolves in sheep’s clothing.
They live quite a unconsciously and don't want to be vulnerable. Control and power isn't a relationship.
Absolutely agree! Thanks for your comment
My husband is so used to his own behavior,,, he CANNOT see how abusive he has been and is being. I feel so stupid sometimes because it took me years to catch on, I was so gaslighted I didn’t know my head from my behind!!! He has been doing this for 24 years and has destroyed our marriage and all 4 of our children have turned away from me. He has disrespected me and they learned very very well to do the same. My life is wretched. My heart is broken and I’m tired!
Thank you so much for this very reassuring podcast! You're right, the world does need more people like both of you, who understand and help those of us who are enduring this very painful and lonely journey. God bless you!
Glad you found it helpful! Please like and share this podcast with others who need to hear this message.
I was down on my knees by my bedside every night. (While he was gone. From 9:00pm-4:00am) praying for our marriage. Everything just got worse.
I’ve tried to create a connection and foster love and partnership painstakingly to the point or rage. I was pushed and pushed to the point of sheer anger, not because that’s what I wanted but because I felt so much pain and hurt. His anger and rage, suspicion and jealousy, accusations, sweet mean cycle, countless breaking up with me and blocking me, ghosting me for weeks at a time, caused so much pain in me I was pushed to the end of my rope. And now I am blamed for the demise of the relationship. I feel like him now. I am heartbroken.
I felt every word you said......I'm moving forward from this nightmare of a relationship......It's been such a long and stressful situation......
Of course you are to blame. They have zero accountability, it will always be someone else’s fault. May your heart heal. Believe in yourself, know you are a good person.:) They are incapable of looking inward, so they act out. Broken people that are emotionally immature.
@@r.a.mcinnes8103Hurt people
Hurt people....
I really need some help... I've dealt with about all that i can handle
Narcissist have no shame or remorse. My Ex is back at Church lying about me. Still having an affair with a married Woman.
You say marriage recovery…I do not want to recover my marriage..I want to escape!
Our primary objective is personal healing from the abuse. We only pursue steps towards marriage recovery IF that is what the couple wants, but the personal healing comes first. Marriage recovery comes second.
Amen!!!
I long to recover what we had before we were married. But I escape often,,,,into books, writing, social media, friendships, my dogs, church, my kids, shopping, etc. It’s so hard. If I had my own health insurance, I might not still be here. 😢
Yes it is a power struggle for lying and cheating. And he thinks he has every right to do whatever he wants and stab me right in the heart.
The devastating thing is being with a people helper who does not pause and pray but barrels in with judgements and brings shame on the powerless one. It would have been wonderful if a people helper had spoken about connection vs self protection and not about “submission”. Because I was the only one who explained to him that his suspicion and self protection had broken our connection. Since I was the only one he flipped me off. Now it’s over, because of them.
This is a sad reality, but unfortunately there is not enough education and training on this complex, insidious behavior for people to know how to deal with it. Best wishes on your healing journey.
And yes! Where is this marriage going? I don’t want to live this way the rest of my life. 28 yrs of this with him. 😢
Your healing is not dependent on the relationship. Relationship healing requires participation of both individuals, but your own healing requires only your participation. Here are some videos that we hope will help you take some first steps towards healing:
Hope for Victims of Emotional Abuse
czcams.com/video/u9XkQuHLEJY/video.html
Break Free of Emotional Abuse and Heal: czcams.com/video/u9XkQuHLEJY/video.html
Finding Healing
czcams.com/video/I5N5t_mQiTA/video.html
Spouse Won't Go To Counseling!
What Are My Options?
czcams.com/video/O0Q_In9nKKI/video.html
Oh my gosh, I’ve been watching videos about narcissism and codependency for two years or so… I’ve never come across another video that sounds exactly like what I went through. Thank you so much for making this video and I’m going to continue to watch. ❤
“If anybody else” tool…Like if someone treats my daughter like this, what would I say to her? Or a best friend? Raise those standards for yourself too. Yes!
💞This
My husband calls me a thief anytime I spend any amount of money.i work most of the time ,but right now I am unemployed.when I work I give all of my money to him for bills.but when I don't workI am always broke.he goes to the bank and gets a replacement card every now and then just in case I have his card number.he says I lie to him constantly.(I never actually do).and he has all of his money deposited directly into savings and just pulls money out when HE needs it.i never go even grocery shopping because I have no access to his money as he calls it.he supposedly bought the house we own for me,but my name is nowhere on it.he tells me that this is his house and I can leave.
We have been together for 15 years btw
@@sherryannwest2123this is the reality of the abuse.. the one sided unmitigated unprovoked and inexcusable behavior.. the ABUSE WE ARE FACING AND NEED UNABASHED SUPPORT HERE FOR
a narcissist is a Demon
Thank you Dr. Hawkins & Dr. Kimbrough. This is all so collaborative, and extremely insightful information.
God bless you both.
Glad you found it helpful, thanks for your feedback
Thank you for your comments on self protection from being harmed. More times than I can count I have left the house to go for a “coffee” just to get a few minutes relief from the emotional, verbal abuse from my wife. But of course when I go back I have to endure greater anger because I had left to get a “coffee” you’re the first professional that’s even mentioned this.
Glad you found it helpful, and yes emotional abuse equally affects men and women.
I hear u. I suffer the same stuff. And not enough people look at emotional abuse as serious and that causes some retrauma for me, as a victim, because they don't see it as serious. And there are even lawyers that scoff when u say your husband is narcissistic, that's invalidating
What?!
The difficult thing is when they offer a lot of precious things, 75% great connection in our relationship 🎉and yet are abusive in a few ways that are consistently destructive to me. C-PSTD, dah... Over 39 years together... EI Unresolved conflict, Not able to listen when it's really important, Unable to regulate their emotions in that situation... Continued battery of boundaries in high stress situations! Keep making the same mistakes! Not able to apply learning from past relational mistakes. It really hit home when we separated and I found 15 cards and letters promising to listen to me, acknowledging the importance of that 😮
A truly outstanding podcast . I learned so much that was tangible .Thank you so very much .
Thanks for your feedback! Glad it was helpful
Wow. This was so helpful!
So glad you found it helpful, thanks for your feedback
God bless you both!!! Loved your video!
Wow, this is amazing information!!
Thankyou Drs.
Glad you found it helpful, thanks for your feedback
Wonderful conversation! Thank you both
Glad you found it helpful, thanks for your feedback
I can’t be part of a marriage where there is a third party. Another Woman. And it isn’t his first affair.
Good point...Why would anyone want ro be around somebody who makes them feel worthless, stressed & miserable. Kids and the Weather is the only deep conversation ( Their kids not yours). Never asking about your day. Never contacting you when out. Never helping you to Drs appointments or blood tests. No Concern for your health. Only talk about themselves Only offering Kaos, destruction and bread crumbs. No Boundaries, Imaturity. Talking to others about your personal business and Slandering your name. No thanks, Id rather surround myself with people who do love me.
Amazing discussion!
Thanks for the feedback, glad you found it helpful.
She is too good! I am so glad to have found this podcast 🙏🏻
So glad you found it helpful, thanks for your feedback
Rally really good dialogue, topic, deepness. It was super interesting.
Glad you found it helpful, thanks for your feedback!
I am listening to what you both are saying, and it sounds just exactly like my daily life.
But I have also been pushed to reactive abuse and I'm not in with that
The narc wears her heart on her sleeve. In my case, other family members see whats going on but keep quiet. Which is sad and it makes me feel alone
To have gotten sucked in for 2 months, have seen some flags but have him a chance. Now I feel I’m too far liking him but now he’s showing true colors. He’s an alcoholic and is so nasty to me when drinking.
Alcoholics can become abusive. The longer they drink excessively, the more abusive they can become. Please be careful. God bless you 🙏
Run away. Now!!
Get out now!! Deal with the pain of ripping the Band-Aid off now or deal with the pain of a train smash later.
@@joliv159 thanks. I did get out and haven’t looked back. It is easier to do sooner.
I was married to someone, a narcissist. How did I end up there?
My own family did not love me, protect me. So now I understand we go back to what we know.
It makes no sense, but we need to be honest about our own families. Easier to dismiss it. Maybe then we will not revisit what was or is familiar.
Furthermore, if a man or woman doesn't have humility, run! If someone is always right, self-righteous there is no where to go. Take a hard look where you came from and where your partner came from. This requires more thinking than emotion.
Wow! I often refer to myself as a undercover agent
Forgiveness is between you and God
And it's sad that is all I have, kids and sports, and he is fine with that and has no inty in giving more.
Abuse also thrives bc women are stuck financially &/or bc of health insurance. 👎🏻
We need to be HOT! Honest, Open and Transparent! Without that, it is difficult to have a deep relationship.
… with all due respect … I’m about 17 minutes into your podcast and I want to make a clarification regarding co-dependency … it is more of a neediness rather than the impression being portrayed that it is an act/gesture of giving and/or a sacrifice … a narcissist is a co-dependent because, unless they are a sociopath, they NEED the validation and weaknesses of others to maintain their need for superiority and control …. I think what is being referred to in the podcast as co-dependency is closer aligned to being an enabler as well as also being co-dependent …
Thanks for your insight
*To Feel Authentically Safe....
My parents raised me that if I dare try to put up a boundary & i pick lint from the liking room rug for 8 hours as a 12 year old _ on my knees. Yea _ thats what happens when u try to make a boundary with a nark.
My friend just can't get through to her spouse he tells her you trigger me. You don't absorb anything and tells her she is a moron. I think she needs counseling. They went once years ago and she told me he complained about her the the whole time. From what I see watching these videos it's so typical.
Shes making the abused person seem like she has any way to make the abusive man make him mot abuse her.
Typically it is men because abuse is about a consolation of power and control.. so in a RELATIONSHIP a woman isn’t trying to ‘ pulling a man into a relationship ‘ nor is she typically given access to equal financial resources or it wouldn’t be abuse..Abuse is multifaceted to be effective- emotional, financial, physical otherwise it’s about a tremendous Power differential if not then it’s about dysfunctional patterns involving BOTH people where there are “mutual vulnerabilities “
rather than an oppressor and ANOTHER person being annihilated into nonexistent.
Maybe uncomplicate emotional abuse by viewing it from an individual perspective more than a general one..🤔
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Good, but disagree much that it’s only “society teaches” women to be one way and vice versa. Oh my. For millennia women nurtured children and men hunted etc. it’s only recently that we have the luxury to make different choices. Do you have children, Sharman? I have 3 and imo 99.9% of parents see immediately that there’s some very clear innate differences before much is taught at all.
Thanks for sharing your perspective.