Why rescuers are narcissist magnets
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
IF YOU HAVE TO RESCUE SOMEONE RESCUE YOURSELF.
Profound and so true!!
yeah...well it doesn't work that way.
Bull's eye
And it doesn't hurt to rescue a cat as well. đ
đŻđșâŁïž
I found my way by rescuing abused and abandoned animals, as they're much more deserving, grateful and genuine. All The Best from Our wee Rescue Pack in Scotland đŽó §ó ąó łó Łó Žó ż
They will only give you love and affection in return, not resentment and chaos.
@@notbornyesterday2767 So true they are such innocent pure souls. We can learn so much from them. Thankyou
If I was in Scotland instead of Devon I'd come and volunteer!
Yep I have a narcissistic mother and recently moved across the country and have minimal contact with her. Going to start volunteering at the animal shelter
Yes. Animals are better than people and deserved to be saved.
I didn't know I was rescuing. I just thought I was being a good wife. Now at age 69, it's not so easy for me to rescue myself. This is important information to get out there for sure!
Life brings situations. You think you are in a relationship with a person who is equally enthusiastic as your self for things to be good/right. Then, one day you realize that this is not the case.
Perfectly said!
Hahahhaha so true I have been through this. That's so bad actually
âI donât want any more projectsâ In dealing with people
Precisely. I'm the project now.
yes, and knowing that 'rescuing is not a healthy part of adult relationships' really helps!
@@rhodayackez9570 "I'm the project now" Love this! Thank you!
Doc, youâre saving so many lost souls. Knowledge is power!
Dang! I feel like every decent human being attracts the narcissist.
Narcissists go through a lot of decent people. They love to find them cause they are the ones that reflect that decency back. If their partner is good...then so are they.
I know right! đ
Yes. But this is not to say that decent human beings necessarily take the narcissist's bait.
That is not true. Not everyone is a rescuer. There are more narcs than rescuers in this world.
I think itâs more that narcs want Ppl who havenât yet learned & embody heathy boundaries and discernment.
Rescue catâs and dogâs. My favorite quote so far from Dr. Romani. True story.
And bunnies đ°
Daaaang that is so great and a much better idea. I feel like they find me and I gotta stop bringing that in!
And NOT these vultures and EVILS, MONSTERS, DEMONS
Honestly I've encountered and dated so many narcissistic people over the years that I've given up on the whole empathic rescuing gig (a habit I probably picked up during childhood) đ you can't change who people are at their core when they don't see how their actions are self destructive and negatively affecting the people around them.
One of, if not THE best explanation of the victim control dynamic weâve ever heard.
Narcissists can feign good character and pretend to be a rescuer! It's one of their many tactics.
They prey upon vulnerable people, as this series identifies.
The best advice I got from a friend was, "Be your own savior." It was a very powerful statement.
Rescue Narcissists arenât rescuers at all, they are predators!
Remember it's a narcissist that you are rescuing. Forget about a thank you or getting a favor in return, they'll manipulate you such a way that one day it'll become an obligation for you to help. They don't receive it as help that they are grateful for. It's a form of bullying.
Most of the time people want to feel useful, validated, get involved, be a part of the group and they do this. But they pay a high price for their mistakes. It's a psychologically unhealthy environment that we live these days, never expect healthy behavior from anyone. Allow them to be what they are and accept it. They're not designed to make you feel like you're worthy.
"They don't receive it as help that they are grateful for. It's a form of bullying." - wow! thank you for this very brutal clarity!
I am so glad through therapy, I got out of rescuing. Boundaries are life changing! Thank God for therapy and my faith. I have also learned now not to fall for guilt trips when someone tries to give me a guilt trip trying to make me feel responsible for them especially when they are an adult. Thank you Dr. Ramini you are such a blessing to all of us on your channel! The truth sets us free!!
I can never see the fine line between "being there for other people" what I love and being a full idiot rescuer for everyone in my life who are only there to drain me out. I'm really tired.
The ones who you are there for, who are also healthy-minded, will not need your help indefinitely. Just help them through one difficult spot, and they are done for a long time AND they will just as willingly help you, and love helping you because they are your friend. The toxic ones force the issue of remaining dependent on you forever, and in the unlikely event they help you too, it will either be a bribe or have strings attached they will never let you forget. If you tell healthy ones "no I can't help you this time" they will understand and you will feel great they understand, toxic people will blame you for not helping and possibly end the friendship.
Initially, I didnât even see myself as a rescuer. Then, I took a long hard look at my past motives. Sure enough, so many times I was taking him under my wings. Then encouraging him, not letting him give up for success. Then once he got everything he wanted, I got discarded.
1. He used to feed stray cats. Was very affectionate towards animals.
2. He was very friendly and warm towards the waiters, the guards, the valet drivers, the bell boys.
3. He was very courteous towards my family when he used to meet them or speak to them over the phone.
4. He was very charming and friendly to his colleagues and clients and most people he used to meet up. His first impression to most people was that of a simple naive down to earth guy.
5. He was an alcoholic. A dysfunctional alcoholic. He used to misbehave while drunk. Shouting, abusing, becoming aggressive,saying the meanest things.
6. He was controlling. He didnot like me doing anything outdoor on my own. He hated me meeting up with my friends.
7. He very often accused me of cheating.
8. He physically abused me while drunk. Slapped me once and couple of times took out a big knife and kept it on my neck. He seemed too amused seeing me afraid and crying.
9. He was not ambitious. When i used to tell him to go regularly to work he used to get angry and tell me he doesnot need to go everyday.
10. He used to tell me he was a very good looking boy in his teens. He used to say if I remained that good looking ofcourse I would not have married you.
11. I caught him drinking late night at a neighbour girl's home. He lied to me that he is with his boss.
12. The last blow was when I caught his messages on his phone where he was bargaining with this brothel manager to have 2 girls in 1 room. He said he was a regular and should get discount. He was into prostitution. I was a bit shocked. But relieved also that it gave me clarity on this man and this relationship.
13. I left him and moved back to my parents and got divorce from him. I am restarting my life now and looking for a job. I lost 5 prime years of my life with him. I dont have kids. I'm 40 already. I still miss him sometimes. We codependent are weird souls. We have so much empathy in us we still think we should have tried differently.
14. I still need validation that my decision of leaving him was right. May god help me.
You know what you need to do anyway.
@@Ma-lz1qm thanks so much for your comment . I have self esteem issue that in working on now. So for me such a big decision was a life altering one. I think I did the right thing. Hope life treats me better now. Take care.
I'm guessing it's the best decision you ever made.
Rescuers have a solution for every problem, narcissists have a problem for every solution.
LOL, good one!
Is THAT ever the truth!
Glass half-empty, all the time which is why they're attracted to those with glass half full type of people. They put the brakes on every utterance from your mouth and motivation from your body. They truly believe they're an asset too!!! Bizarre.
Foster kittens not Narcissists!
I'm a cat rescuer I'm not a narcissist my cat's are my life he was the narcissist when I had to run for my life he let 8 of my cat's die and I cry every day for them
@@karennielsen7696 that's so distressing to hear, I'm so sorry that happened. I rescue cats too and cats are my life. Had a beautiful cat die just over a year ago and made me realise that their loyalty far surpasses the narcs we have in our life. I hope you're ok.
Karen Nielsen Iâm sorry, whatever he did they didnât deserve that and I hope you can heal soon.
100%
@@karennielsen7696 It sounds like you prioritize the lives of your cats over having to run for your life, since this was the focus of your comment.
Guiltyđđ€Šââïž
But changing now.
Very proud of me for saying No nd being discarded by such users.
Now It feels bad only for 2-3 days and then I say thank god that dirt is out of my life.
As a lifetime people pleaser it's not easy path to rewire your brain but things are turning well.
You feel so powerful with each NO.
I am rescuing myself now with your guidance.
"Saying no and being discarded" that was my entire 6 month relationship with a covert narc. He told me I could ask for space whenever I needed it. Asked for a night to myself (barely 12 hours) and he broke up with me the next day. Granted, I was waiting for him to do so - I don't think I could have handled breaking up with him again and being met with massive tears and acting the victim (happened the 1st time). I did so much research on his attachment style, ADHD, and anxiety - and although it explained some things about him, realising he was a narc was the light bulb moment.
Proud of you for saying no. Proud of us for not abandoning ourselves. We deserve better.
He told me he had a bad childhood, that he was autistic (I've never seen confirmation of it thinking back) and that he was a 'horrible social monster'. I was such a fool for ignoring that and thinking I could rescue him and he'd be safe with me.
They plan everything out from the very start. That first conversation, the first chat on Tinder or the first conversation you have. They groom you so you will stick out until they're ready to discard you, and after that too when they want to hoover. It's all a game to them, a fake story. So sad!
As someone with NPD, if I tell someone I am a monster, it is the closest thing to love and care I feel for this person.
Autistic people lack of empathy too. But they don't it for manipulating people or take advantage of someone else. And autistic people are able for loving the ones that they trust. Narcs lack of empathy and they think that empathy people are stupids. They can't love no one.. Even themselves.
@@blossomingmysoul3662 Autistic people have a flat affect, we don't lack empathy. We usually feel a LOT but have trouble communicating it đ
Sounds like we have the same ex... Glad you got away.
That part about how they're empty but you can never fill that emptiness was really striking. They really are very hollow. Ofc we want to make things right, I personally would be so sad if I were that empty. Anyway thanks as always Dr Ramani !
You've volunteered to be a do gooder?
It's one way of looking at it, but the doctor often implies that it's never exactly the same in every situation.
The idea is to just be fully wary so the good of the rescuer can take the best effect and within yourself too.
(hollow, was actually stated to not become worn down)
I've witnessed narcissist's hollow thank-yous. They were usually said not out of gratitude to the one who took their side on an issue, but thrown toward me as a display of "see someone in on my side and I hope you feel bad about it".
This video is gold and yet eight years ago, I would have rejected everything in it. Everything described here was my situation but until I could extricate myself and change, I couldnât âsee the forest for the trees.â
Seeing people struggle just gives me flashbacks of myself, when I was in trouble and helpless. I'm just trying to be the person I wish had been there for me when I suffered. It took time for me to see that I can't help anyone properly if I don't keep myself afloat mentally and materially. But it still hurts to say no to someone who's suffering.
There is a difference between someone who is suffering and needs help, and a narcissist who uses suffering to manipulate others for any reason.
Sometimes it also takes giving until you are empty because no one gave back to you.
I'm A Rescuer.. I Can't Tell You How Many Times MY REAL FRIENDS Have Told Me.. "You Need To Start Worrying About Yourself First". And? "Stop Worrying About Other Peoples Problems.. They Need To Learn How To Fix Their Own Sh-t"... However.. As I've Stated Before.. I Was Raised By A Very Narcissistic Mother... WOW!!! Nailed It Again Dr Ramani.. Incredible.. Yep...
Therapy is key to a rescuer's improvement. As always, thank you, Dr. Ramani.
You're growing by 5K viewers every week or so, WOW! Congratulations! Feels double though, too many people fall victim to these people!
The backlog of episodes are extrodinary!
Where on earth does a new subscriber start?
Where they end, gratefully as their better self in all things they do.
I know right? I love coming to her channel every day and seeing that number grow! Iâm rooting for her as if this were my own damn channel.
Okay then whats in a compliment?
10k or more or less viewers, highly confronting, the content they may personally regard as an attack on their irrevocable natures.
Not me, I'm off to reading her biggest seller to date. đ€
I am a empathetic rescuer. This video really hits home. I try not to fall for narcissist again.
I just want to say thank you. I am the rescuer and these videos in which you explain many things about a narcissistic behavior has open my eyes. It is a struggle but, just like you said I am able to understand the route I'm heading. Once again, thank you very much! May Life and the heavens bless you.
Yes dr Ramani design a course and pitch it to school...like sexual health education, we need healthy relationship education .. especially taught in high school!
Masterpiece advice, concise yet so profound and comprehensive. Thank you, Dr. Ramani!
Dr Ramani, you are a wonderful educator, we need a course in schools from early childhood, hopefully you suggest that to the higher upsđđđđđđđđđđđ
i think same. it should be taught in schools
Yes letâs run it by Betsy DeVos
How do you suppose abusive narcissistic parents of a dependent child would react when they realize their child is being taught that they (the parents) are horribly abusive?
maybe that's our job to envision/ create/ lead. Dr. Ramani is doing (more than) her part, and certainly she can't 'do it all'! each of us can share this information, and heightened consciousness, with those whose lives we uniquely touch!
Simple as that.We rescue and they destroy.
If I follow the guidelines; It makes work for 'us' as they make the work harder.
excellent, short and 100% accurate
@shilpa patil. That statement was precise. The truth well said.
It's identical to a toddler in a high chair. Toddler throws spoon on floor, adult picks it up off floor and puts it back. Repeat forever if you're a rescuer.
@@danielkaiser8971 true
Hi Doctor Ramani. You are brilliant and an amazing educator đ€. I was raised by a narcissistic mother. I am a 52 year old female. I never got married and never had children. I have been an empath all of my life. I am a rescuer. I have been everything, and have gone through everything you have taught through your videos. I only got this revelation of myself from March this year (2020) when i stumbled upon your videos and some ftom other doctors etc. I am now on the path to healing from a life of brokeness, heartache, heartbreak, pain and suffering, severe illness etc. My narcissistic mother is mentally ill and bedridden because she lost all control of me. But i am back home taking care of her, with the help of a caregiver, because she cannot do anything. She has lost her ability to speak as well. She was 77 on the 9th of June. It still takes a toll on me. But i am managing. I forgot to mention, i am an elementary school teacher for the last 20 years. I have been a narcissist magnet. Revelation brings knowledge and understanding, and i am over grateful for everything i have learnt in the last 3 months till today so that i can heal completely. I am so tired and i need my life. A special thank you to you Doctor Ramaniđ. Love from Trinidad đčđč
Your channel saved my life â€ïž
Dr Ramani I so enjoy your presentations. They are presented in such a caring & insightful way.
My divorce, not even a year yet, was from I believe a Narcissist. He said he filed for divorce 'for me'. Even my parish priest said No... He was a high maintenance, draining kinda guy. 24 years married but FREE AT LAST! Such calm & peace of mind now⌠Thank you for being here Dr RamaniâŁ
Excellent Dr. Ramani. It's not a person's job to fix somebody. I never knew how serious NPD was until i got involved with one. I figured i could fix any little problem, no biggie. But was i wrong. You try and help and it's never enough. Eventually you become stressed and you start neglecting yourself. These type of mentally disordered people will damage healthy people if you continue to be around them.
"Set a boundary , no more ...they will discard you" this is so true! đ„ș Thank you ..you are the best!
I had this issue with a 16 year old foster child I cared for a couple years. I realized early on that his family was involved in scamming the system. They wanted dental surgeries and braces for him. Four teeth had rotted out of his mouth. He needed help as he was a child. Once 18, my boundaries were violated by the adult size child and his bio mom who were no longer kind to me. I gave myself permission to move him on to another family who would have energy to take up where I left off. Itâs heartbreaking to me as I would have loved him forever like my own children. As a single mom recovering from a narc husband of over 20 years, this proves to me that abuse comes in many age groups but the pattern is the same.
Mine had red flags from day one, luckily i am older and had seen it before, there was no reciprocal, zero. I did a lot but she wanted it all. Financially I could have done everything she wanted but would not give everything with zero in return. I sent her a video on narcissists when i cut her loose, and we never talked again, sad people.
Thanks for the very important information. Yes I've been the drained abused rescuer. Thanks to you and a few others like you I'm learning to do inner work to stop being trapped in such relationships. God bless you
Ho YeaH, guilty as charged!...not for control, but for empathic desire to help out,..(and actually my mom told me I was a rescuer when I was fifteen, while she was getting her masters in Psychology.! )..
Although I pretty much ignored that definition of myself for most of my life, .I'm now working on it, and notice the red flags much faster now =D
Thank You Doctor Ramani. Your relating of the dynamics is brilliant! Finding you has been so valuable..
After 26 years of doing my best, I called him on his promises. He actually said, âwhat have you done for me lately?â After all that time it was finally clear to me who he was. He on the other hand believes he deserves better.
Ouch......... I know that one. Especially your third sentence I'm going through it myself......... Take care. Hx
I have just no words Dr Ramani..# clarity the sheer way u broke down the reasons why someone becomes a rescuer...... Pattern of my life. Which got aggravated due to lack of attachments. I am a trained social worker....who finally needs healing and balanced recuing myself. Heartfelt thanks fr this videoâ€ïžđ
I was sold a very academy award winning story and act... ive done all these things for the narc in my life... ur videos and website have truly helped me and opened my eyes to what reality truly is. Only Jesus alone can rescue the narc in my life if he wants to be truly rescued. These videos hve both helped understand him and also has made me feel so stupid to not see him for what he is.
Thank u Dr. Truly.
Lord is the ultimate rescuer of everyone on this planet if they take refuge in the Lord.
Gosh darnit Dr Ramani you release videos too fast, my heart can't take all these truth bombs!!
This was me. I got involved with a married woman at my job who was going through a terrible time with her husband. She was falling apart and I was frankly feeling unloved and unloveable so we got together. I was wrong for doing it but I did. I spent the next three years in hell. She was the daughter of an alcoholic from an extremely dysfunctional family, prone to extreme rages, panic attacks, and would go insane if i went two days without seeing her. Within the first three months she was secretly talking to her husband again and lied for years that she could not afford to divorce him. All the while making constant rage-filled demands that I be a better boyfriend.
Eventually it came out that because they had no kids and he was not contesting the divorce it would have cost less than $100. So I broke up with her and then she demonised me the way she did him. I accept what I got because i should not have gotten with her in the first place. That's my responsibility. But its been almost a decade and I still have not over come the trauma of that relationship and have so much trouble trusting women.
Joel Henry I really feel for you. Consider giving EDMR therapy a try. EDMR has been proven effective and works quite well for me. Definitely an ongoing psychosis though. The trauma is like a repeated wound that can reopen at will.
I am sorry to hear your story but glad you're talking about it. Sometimes that helps. And emdr is helpful.
You must have stuck around for some reason around all of the constant rage filled demands for years. Well one good thing for sure. You didn't end up having to share parenting with her and that is a good thing and so is what you have learned while giving it your best.
@Joel Henry. I'm so sorry to hear about your bad experience which has now reduced your ability to trust women. You stated that you felt unloved and unlovable. That's not true. Where did you get that idea from? You are loved and lovable. Spend some time to work on yourself including your self-esteem, self-worth and self-confidence. Read books, audiobooks and also watch CZcams videos on those topics. You may also consider getting some counseling either online or face-to-face to help you discover the root cause of your problem. Also make a list of things you don't like about yourself that make you feel inferior and unworthy. Then make a plan and begin to take steps and actions to address them. I wish to announce to you that Jesus Christ loves you very much and deeply cares about you and you need Him. His love for you is unconditional, reliable and available irrespective of how bad you're life has been. Try Him and give Him a chance to become your Lord and personal Savior. You can always trust Jesus..
Dr. Ramani:
You are amazing! This video has truly confirmed the work I have been doing in therapy! Thank you so much! đŻđŻđŻ
I have been taking 2020 as my Year of healing. And You have been s large part of my Peace.
Rescuer is in me. Chaotic childhood always rescuing my addicted parent. She's now gone and I'm shocked at how much worrying I used to do about her. Sometimes these things take practically a lifetime to realize.
I love your side comments "Good Luck with that" LOL
I see myself so clearly.
I think the Narrassists are aware that I am on to them and they are not happy about it. I getting so much better. Thsnk you Dr. Ramani
This was me. I tried to rescue my ex husband and got in bankruptcy over it. I'm learning now to put that energy into me and not other people.
The narc has never told for me his true history... I mean the thing that happened in his past that make him so evil, but he was always saying the bad things that was happening with him, even the sh*ts on his mind. But he used to do it when he was realizing that I was trying to disconnect from him. He used to say that I was his wonderwall... He knows that be his rescuer was the only thing that kept me on that hell. I thought that he could be a suicidal guy. I couldn't go away and handle with this without feeling guilty. Fortunalety, God has showed who he was. It has set me free. I'm not responsible for the bad choices of people. I only can control mine.
Life improved for me when I reached for that life preserver for myself and let the narc ex girlfriend go.
I know a rescuer who is a narcissist bc he wants ppl to depend on him. Thats how he feels important -when ppl rely on him. If anyone says âno ive got itâ or âno ty i dont need your helpâ he confuses the situation on purpose to get his way or he says: âwhen you say i dont need your helpâ all i hear is âi dont need you.â This need to be needed so ppl cant stand on their own two feet without him feeling injured or insulted is unhealthy.
Iâm in practical nursing school ( beginning in August actually ), and plan to work my way through and up to a registered nursing degree for financial reasons. I love caring for other people, especially children. I think itâs because I didnât have that in the ways I thought I did as a child. Itâs taken a lot of self-reflection and (hopefully) gradual squashing of narcissistic tendencies I picked up from modeling the adults around me. I say all that to thank you Dr. Ramani, for helping me grow.
Thank you Dr Ramani, I finally know what I am. I never ever felt comfortable with the label people pleaser. I could never make any sense out of that and it didnât sit right with me. I have literally been rescuing people my entire life indiscriminately - not specifically narcissists. Thanks for all you do. đđ
Your information has changed my life. Thank you Dr. Ramini
Dr Ramani I love you.Your words has power to remove darkness from mind.
Guilty! Changing that pattern đ€Šââïž Youâre right! The day I said no was the day everything changed.
I am that rescuerâŠI have now channeled my that beautiful quality into more deserving people and purpose like giving to the homeless. People that are truly deserving of my care and attentionâŠgod bless everyone on this page đ
Itâs been my experience that people who wear service uniforms, (ie; military, doctors, nurses, kindhearted waitresses, etc..), are considered soft targets by narcissists. Iâve personally known of two men, a sailor and a soldier, who have gotten caught in traps laid out for them. One got out with a large financial debt to pay. The other has given up and is now under complete control of his wife whoâs dangerous to both him and their children. He, my son, is completely isolated from family and friends to the point of alienating me and my husband from our grandchildren and we pray daily for their safety. Soft target types need to be educated in order to avoid getting trapped.
Thank you Doctor Ramani for sharing your knowledge in such a clear and concise way. Iâve shared your videos with others just hoping that they can avoid the pain and suffering thatâs involved with toxic narcissists. Again, thank you.
Oh lord! This hit home!đ
Oh my, nice reality check. The perspective that DR. R has brought to my conscious thought is life changing. I have found so such value in ME, when the world around me may present something entirely different. Iâm learning to stay true to myself!
VALUABLE.... VALUABLE. beyond words. I wish every rescuer would hear this and take heed.
I love you Ramani, you have educated me so much on narcissism. I have left my narc bf and educated my mother too on our narc father. She is planning to leave soon also ! â€ïž
Dr Ramani, you are so to the point. 6 years ago I became a rescuers for my son and his pregnant girlfriend living on the street. I took them in but my health took a toll as my finances. What would you not do for your son and your future grand child.
And yes I had to put boubdaries but never felt appreciated for what I have done.
What a great lesson! Your family and children are the hardest to deal with.
Thank you for sharing!
that they really don't care about the harm they have caused (9:00), was one of the hardest things for me to accept! I needed to have this shown to me multiple times for me to finally believe it; I couldn't imagine how they wouldn't feel guilty (and so I 'made up' that they were just too embarrassed to acknowledge the impact that their demands on me had had). that they felt totally entitled to take all of my time and energy (and money), and didn't feel any remorse about doing so, was so hard to believe!
Thanks very much for your videos and education on the narcissist, it has helped me a lot ...
I saw the red flags đ© but I didnât want to accept it ... thank God that I got the wisdom from you... keep on sharing đđđčđč
'Heated red flags', we're on a new one đ!
I was close friends with a covert narcissist for a long time. I was always there for her, when she got laid off, whenever she got dumped by a boyfriend, when she was anxious/depressed, etc. I never thought of myself as a rescuer but I was trying to be a good friend
I realized she was a narcissist after i got her a job working with me and seeing her every day. She started treating me like one of her boyfriends (we weren't actually dating but she acted like my life needed to be centered around her) so I finally realized all her difficulties with work/relationships were caused by her behavior. I was constantly walking on eggshells around her because she'd get angry or cry if I tried to tell her anything at work, accusing me of thinking I'm "better" than her when I was just trying to do my job. She would sabotage my plans if I was doing things with other friends by coming up with "emergencies" that only I could help her with
She got fired for cussing out our boss and we drifted apart. Not seeing her anymore lifted so much unnecessary stress from my life. I've been isolating myself a lot because I don't want to fall into this kind of dynamic again, these videos have been so helpful as I'm trying to get back out into the world and make friends again. Thank you!
Uh oh the only rescue I want a part of is my dog! Lol
Dear Dr. Ramani, oh yes, I loved "playing the rescuer" in my life for some narcissistic partners and friends. Each time I noticed too late that their behaviour patterns were narcissistic. They enjoyed being "mothered" by me and given professional support. I never got an honest thank you from them, but instead devaluation, permanent criticism and humiliation. Now I have collected so much information and knowledge that I do not want to make friends with such toxic people any more - better late than never. Thank you for this informative presentation and the enlightenment! Greetings from Annemarie in Germany :-)
I wish I found this channel sooner, and this video. I recently finally said goodbye to a covert narcissist I was "rescuing" for years, a pattern that I definitely picked up from family. Thank you, Dr Ramani, for all the work you do!
Itâs true. After 3 years of bailing him out and caring for him, the moment I said enough is enough, he discarded me for another rescuer and showed he cruel face. It was painful but I learned a lot from it.
Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge ! This was so me until just a short time ago . It took me many years to finally learn this about myself. This video strengthened my resolve to change this long standing pattern of mine.
Iâm such a combination of every category in this series!! Iâm surprised Iâve only been abused by ONE narcissist in my 50 years.
I love giving hope because I love getting hope đ„. I'm an empathic rescuer and I'm just learning to have boundaries.
Dr. Ramani, I am so glad you started this series. These videos hit home hard. I am all of these magnet types in one. Is there a way to get away from this? Not sure why but I feel like I'm so tired and this stuff comes at a high price for those of us who are beautiful souls
I was raised to believe that I was more fortunate than those around me and that I had somewhat of a perfect life when I absolutely did not and therefore it was my responsibility to "save" other people. Every time I was in a toxic friendship or relationship my parents would ask me to just suck it up because after all these poor people were going through so much and that I should try to see things from their point of view and be patient. Any time I stood up for my self was selfish because of the privilege I have over the other person. It is hard to get out of that mindset but I'm in the process.
My little boy is being bullied at school and administrators want my son to empathize with the bully because he has autism and ADHD. My son is sweet and gives second and third and fourth chances but this bully keeps beating on him and the school just makes excuses. Oh the bully has a harder time than most, canât you suck it up? I told them we will pull my boy from school because youâre teaching him to be a doormat for abuse. Your story reminded me of our situation. I hope youâre healing.
Dr. Ramani, you are truly amazing.
Thank you I've learned this the hard way đ
You hit the bullseye here. Describes what I allowed myself to get sucked into perfectly.
This was excellent. Iâd be interested to hear your thoughts about rescuing adult children as a result of guilt.
I have watched your videos for a couple of years, and for a good reason. You are on a different continent than me, and you have never met me. But to a large part thanks to the advice that you have taught me, I have not only started to heal. But there are also 3 children that are far better off. Love from Sweden. â€ïžđžđȘ
Thanks for this information about Rescuers a kind of help me figure out why I was in a long-term abusive relationship with the father of my kids cuz I was a rescuer and an empath and it got me nowhere
I called it my Super Hero Action Figure Tendency Syndrome. That alone begs a humorous acronym (SHAFT...S ?), which is the way it sort of feels when a relationship with the person exhibiting narcissist traits finally ends. Being an engineer, there was a tendency to try and solve problems with applicable answers...but the parameters always changed.
I have since learned my limitations and am on guard more about how I respond to others, and try not to get sucked into the complexity of the narcissistic vortex.
Oh your acronym is brilliant!! đđ» I hope you donât mind if I borrow it đ Iâm a super rescuer too and have now learned the hard way that trying to rescue a Narcissist is essentially self destructive in the end. They punish us for our kindness and they always turn around and bite the hand that feeds them.
@@prettypuppy6752 feel free to borrow, use, share, and even keep in your pocket to pull out to be used at an appropriate time.
Agree with you 100% about trying to "rescue" the narcissist. The issue was I never saw it a rescuing anyone, but just being the good guy who was trying to help. Similar to being the "good Samaritan", and helping/saving someone from danger (insert any life threatening situation), and then being blamed for the cause of the danger.
Only after watching many of the videos from Dr. Ramani, do I understand the dynamics of narcissistic traits, and the people who exhibit them.
My AHA moment came, when someone I was trying to help, told me that my attempts to help them said to them that I thought I knew better than they did, and was insulting! holy smokes!! I still have work to do, but at least now I know why some people who I try to help get nasty instead of thankful!
I was the rescuer and scapegoat for my malignant narc mother and my malignant narc fraternal twin sister. I bent over backwards to please and rescue those two and the pattern has continued into my adulthood as I have had an endless list of narcs sucking me dry and finally exhausting me. Yes, their "thank you" is just another manipulation to "keep your rescuing machine working for them". You are spot on Dr. Ramani. Thank you so very much for bringing this topic and so many other important topics to light. I am in therapy right now and I am using your videos in conjunction with my therapy. I finally found a therapist who listens and who is helping me to heal from a lifetime of narc abuse.
This sounds exactly like the situation I just got out of.
Last year I met someone, who was from abroad and had a business appointment in my area. He knew our language, but hadn't used it in a while. Apparently he hadn't booked a hotel, so he started approaching random people on the street. Fortunately I was fluent in his language and helped him to find a cheap hotel for the night. He wanted to thank me by inviting me to a drink and I accepted. He left some days later and we had exchanged numbers. He seemed like a really nice gentleman and I can say that in his case money wasn't the problem.
After that we talked on the phone regularly and about a month later he came back for a visit... and again he hadn't booked anything. The city was overcrowded with tourists at that time, so I reluctantly invited him to stay in my guest room. We were on friendly terms and he seemed absolutely harmless. While we spent a week together, he showed his best behaviour, invited me to dinner and was pleasant to be around. We made plans to meet again, but the virus interfered with our original date.
Last week he finally managed to come back and, again, moved in with me. I had allowed him to do this (temporarily), because he had decided to move to my country and wanted to see some apartments in my region, so I thought I'd help him to quickly find something. I made appointments for him and I drove him. He didn't really know what he wanted, he gave conflicting information about prices and on Saturday (one day before our first appointment) it turned out, that he hadn't brought any papers, that the landlords would require (for example about his income situation).
When I told him, that he would have to contact his bank abroad, he tried to deflect: He didn't have their number and he didn't know his account number. I helped him to find both. His next excuse was, that he didn't really want to contact them, because it was too complicated and maybe he shouldn't rent an apartment.
Red flags everywhere at this point.
He sounded like he just wanted to stay with me in my apartment, although he had made it clear, that we were only friends and he wasn't interested in me in a romantic way. Which was perfectly fine; I only saw him as a friend as well. I asked him, what his actual plan was.
That set off an even more catastrophic avalanche of ineptitude: He hadn't bothered to contact a moving company where he lived, because "it was too hard" and hadn't thought about prices or the general problem of transporting heavy wooden 19th century furniture across the ocean at all. I told him, that he might have to hire multiple moving companies, as I wasn't sure that his native one would bring his stuff all the way to his new doorstep. I told him about prices for moving within my country, and that the average price would at least triple for international moving.
His answer to that was, that of course he couldn't do it alone. He would need help. Signalling to me, that he wanted me to plan and organise everything for him. I finally started to pick up on his subtext and the annoying amount of helplessness he (as a middle-aged man) displayed.
He had nearly flooded the basement, my guest room and my bathroom at this point, because he left the basement door and the guest room window wide open in the middle of a thunderstorm. While taking a shower, he opened the shower door completely and stepped out of it with the water running, to fetch his shower gel, that he had deposited on the ledge above the sink. When he came out of the bathroom, he told me, that he wasn't sure how to remove all the water from the floor and I went in and almost had a heart attack. I would associate this behaviour with a slow 5 y.o., but not with a man his age.
He insisted on washing his dark purple shirt with his white shirts (which I told him wasn't a good idea), so I complied (because I was totally pissed off) and returned the white shirts dyed pink to the laundry expert.
He wanted dry white wine (which I don't like and don't own) and offered to pay for his special needs, so I bought three bottles of a good quality, but never saw the money. He drank one and then explained, that he wouldn't be able to drink the other two, because I had told him to pack his things, so he saw no point in paying for something, he wasn't going to enjoy.
Meanwhile I had been cooking and cleaning for him, had bought stuff he liked and taken him to various locations with my car, all at my own expense.
I made the decision to get rid of him on Sunday, after returning from our first appointment. He had behaved like a child again, making clear how boring everything was to him and that he wasn't interested in the nice apartment we got to look at. Things went halfway well, because I did all the talking and asked enough questions. Back in the car I demanded to know, whether he was actually looking for anything to rent at all. He gave vague answers and stated, that God perhaps didn't want him to stay here.
I freaked out and gave him my honest opinion about what he was doing. He complained, that I was making him feel so bad (to which I answered, "You SHOULD feel bad! You're wasting everyone's time!") and again tried to harness me for his non-plans, so I bluntly said, I'd cancel the other appointments and take him to the train the next morning. I was so fed up.
I had to work on Monday morning, so it was vital that we had breakfast at 7, drove at 7:30 and reached the station at 8, because I was required to be at the office at 8:30. He cost me 16 minutes and I had to call him multiple times and remind him, that he couldn't have breakfast, if he insisted on hanging behind any further. Of course I was late for work. He kept repeating, that he wanted to stay friends and even tried to hug me, which I didn't allow him.
I hope I never hear of him again, but I'm pretty sure that he'll call within a week.
Looking back, I should have seen it coming: He low-key tried to attack my self-worth right from the start. When I picked him up at the station on the first day, he mentioned, that I looked different (I was slightly more ginger than I had been in winter) and his tone implied that he didn't appreciate that. He took my insane neighbour's side, without knowing the man at all, and suggested I was overreacting to being awoken every night at 2 am by that lunatic's noise. He acted like a bored to death infant, when we skyped with some of my friends, who had been thinking about inviting us to stay with them in summer 2021 (for free) and also showed this behaviour, when we went out for drinks in my little town and met my friends IRL: He yawned unapologetically (and without covering his mouth), didn't initiate conversation, leeched off of others when they invited us, but never paid for anyone else's drinks, wanted to go home when it became clear, that people did not react positively to his attitude and complained to me, that they all didn't understand his language (which wasn't true; I served as an interpretor, but most people did in fact understand him at least a little).
In addition, he was incapable of adhering to the current pandemic's safety rules: He usually forgot his mask (that I had bought for him; he came without one), got too close to other people and got really angry when they called him out for it and demanded that he follows the very simple and not overly strict rules. I mean, we can even go to restaurants here and sit there without masks, so wearing masks in crowded places like supermarkets and public transport isn't asking too much.
In the end I decided to throw him out, because he couldn't accept criticism at all. He constantly implied, that everyone else was wrong and he had only had the best intentions. I know this sort of behaviour. I've dealt with enough narcissists in my life and with that knowledge I couldn't just let these remarks slip. I knew they pointed to a bigger problem and that he wouldn't change. Although I was angry about the games he played with the landlords, I wouldn't have kicked him out so quickly, if he hadn't shown this behaviour.
Thankfully I only had to endure him for 6 days in total and I'll make sure that he never gets the opportunity again to mess with me.
You lost me way back when you invited a stranger into your home but not for sex and then I started scrolling and scrolling...........and.....PHUCK!!!!!!
@@koolbeans8292 Don't worry, dear, it's probably a cultural thing. I've had people stay here, who I mostly knew through the internet and it was never a problem.
On the other hand, most of them were Eastern Europeans/Russians, who are generally kind and trustworthy people ;-)
Your insights are so awesome Ramani! This one hit home. Your perspective takes me back to my childhood and illuminates the tragedy I am currently working my way out of. Sometimes rescuing an injured animal, can actually be more dangerous and result in getting bitten....much love and blessings.
"Narcisssits will often not express consistent or deep gratitude.."
i think they might as well do; showering you in "what would i do without you " kind of copliments and "you're the only one who underestands me" in order to keep your "rescuing machine working for them".
This was so me! Thank you Dr Ramani!
I always look at the count of the number of people in the comments section and itâs reassuring to know that there is that many number of people who arenât narcissists and are trying to improve their lives
Thank you for your videos, Dr. Ramani. They are so validating, grounding and insightful. I don't know how you're able to make me laugh at the audacity of the narcissist's behavior and reflect deeply on my childhood abuse at the same time but you do and I appreciate your style a lot!
It is guilt-induced, I realized... it is a major problem... when someone is taught to rescue other people... 2:55
I love you! :)
I'm a rescuer. I was hurt a few times before getting it thank you to, Dr! Really appreciate the work you're doing â€ïž
Hope is a powerful emotion. Rescuers have hope they can be the person to change the narcissist or someone else who abuses. This is especially true if you are successful in most other areas of your life. If you can make your professional, friend, and family life work, why can't you change this person? Someone who is abusive and doesn't want to change will not be receptive to your attempts. If the other person isn't really to put in minimal effort to come along on the ride, then it is likely your time can be spent elsewhere helping someone who does want to change.
AWESOME AS ALWAYS!!! đ€
Your mini lectures are so beautifully organized that I want to take notes and where studying for the test isn't a chore but refreshing what you want to remember.
Million Thanks.
I went back to my early memories as me being a little girl and a growing up child and recalled the situations and my feelings, when our narcissistic mother often (but not permanently) told my father off because of some nonsense.
In these situations, I always got the urgent wish to support our father and justify his behaviour. These situations and memories of our "helpless" father in the face of the rage and anger outbreaks of our narcisstistic mother might have left a deep imprint in my subconsciesness - the vulnerable trigger points of my adulthood.
THANK YOU Dr. Ramani to give us so much insight :-)
Your videos is not only giving me confidence but at least 250k of your subscribers all over the world. Thank you so much.
Thank you Dr. Ramani for your words of wisdom and compassion as your advice has a meaningful positive influence on my life.