The Self-Absorbed Partner, Video Two
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- čas přidán 1. 09. 2014
- #CouplesTherapytraining #Trainingfortherapist #Developmentalmodelofcouplestherapy
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Dr. Ellyn Bader discusses understanding the self-absorbed partner and why they create so much difficulty for the therapist.
www.couplesinstitute.com/
I am living with a self absorbed man and i am at my witt's end.Everything is about him in all ways possible.These people are like mission impossible itself.
If you can't get good help from a professional or friends (or a priest(ess) if you do the god thing) then you might need to start considering how you'll feel after 5 or 10 more years like this.
I’m just counting the days until some one hires me in my career field or our daughter graduates high school. Worse case 7 years and maybe a tinder affair or two 🤷♀️
@@fuscia13 get out!!! For your sanity.
I'm going on 16 years and have tried so hard to save our marriage but he won't do anything to make it better and thinks I need to change and yes he actually has spoke that exact sentence
he says I'm always the problems.
@@kathychloe1181 i hope you seriously consider how much longer you want to deal with this, being unhappy and feeling alone, drained, depleted...being alone is so much better than being with someone like this. you deserve to be happy and healthy. if he says you're always the problem, there's your exit strategy right there. tell him you both deserve to be happy and then spend some time reclaiming yourself
OMGosh! This is my spouse x 28 years!!! Which is why I left him, sooooo much pain and grief at being ignored for decades!! I've not mattered for years! P.s. thrown out of my church for proceeding to divorce because of emotional and physical abuse.....devestated#workingonme. #strugglinginoklahoma
I was burnt out so often from the X's demands and expectations that I had to leave him to preserve my sanity.
I think it's awesome that you decided to take care of yourself!
Peace is priceless 🕊
Right? If I stay, then I will be a shell of my former self. I refuse to let this continue.
Thank you, it’s exactly my experience after 54 years of marriage. I feel alone, living away from family. I have 2 sons who live out of state. forget therapy,my husband does not do therapy. my husband had a heart attack in May 2024. It hasn’t always been like this. He is exactly what you said, he’s self absorbed, not empaghetic.
What a shock….it’s about the man.
Sometimes a partner if this type can drive the other to become just like them. Self absorbed. Then, they realize what it looks and feels like to be that way. For some, they don’t care and never notice their mate has become that way. Sad, sad.
CRL this is my partner. So self absorbed that over last 5 years I have gradually withdrawn out of exhaustion and to protect myself from his constant needs. He is not concerned about me one little bit, he is just annoyed that I am not available to provide for him in whatever way he needs. I am astounded that such people exist 😔
True!!
@@carolines6798 I know this is an old thread, but these people will never change. I had an abscess the size of a tangerine in a place no woman wants one. Hadn’t slept for 7 days with the agony. Told him I was crying non stop with the pain.
Him; ‘oh can you not just put that aside for one night because I really want to see you.’ 😳
There are no words. He lasted a full 7 weeks. Zero tolerance for these people.
This describes me so well. I have been the one taking from my partner all the time and never attended to his needs. And I have caused our 3 years relationship to crumble.
When I nicely ask for help with something, he always jokes and gives some lame answer why he can’t. I point out that I do all the inside and 98 % of the yard work and I could use some help because it isn’t fair that I do everything and he just goes to work, comes home and does nothing until he goes to bed. Again, he jokes to get out of it. He’s a “table wiper”, when we need to talk about something he makes a joke to get out of discussing the issue. SO frustrating!!!
Wow! This is exactly our relationship! He refuses to attend couple's therapy and his life is totally about what is good for him.
Part 3 is needed. Much appreciated
Practicing something different in my personal relationships and with my thoughts is working for me and at the same time it takes a lot of my energy .. i think bc is something that my mind is learning to be skilled at.. and is not molded to handle it but we got it start some where “ let it begin with me! I’m grateful that I have the willingness to look at my side of the street literally and to practice in keeping it clean. The willingness is what matters to make it work. Healthy relationships.. I got it admit I’m discovering that I’m a self centered woman and self indulgent that explains a lot .. I’m a work in progress indeed
Hi Ellyn, I just came across your video and find the content valuable and fun!! Loved the materiel on I-Thou etc and how you bring the self-absorbed partner to life. Keep up our tremenosue contribution to all professionals who work with relationships! Patrice--Music and Mental Health Initiative!!
Excellent video & great information to help understand the issue!
Also i am slim and youngish but this man never has a compliment to give me ever.He doesn't even look at me.That's not an exageration..I wonder what he's with me for.
I wonder why you are with him? Do you want to be happy? We get to choose, and we only get one life! Best wishes.😊
Thank u so much lady...since 15 yrs ....i m questioning my own lackings if any and hurted my own self and self esteem....thank u...stay blessed
Can you please post content about how to deal with self-absorbed partner please? I know how to identify them & their personal trails but don't know 'how to fix it'
Can you get to couples counseling?
You deal with them by filing for divorce and moving on with the time you have left
You can’t fix the other person. I’ve received a lot of insight on dealing with this on Leslie Vernick’s channel.
@@williamchamberlain2263chances are , he won’t go so no need to be condescending towards someone asking a question on here .
I find your content interesting and helpful as I hope to be a better person for myself and my partner.
Same here.
What a brilliant presentation!
This explains so much. Thank you.
It's hurtful to be on the receiving end and realize that once you are depleted and can't give as normal, you hold no value to the self-absorbed partner.
I'm afraid this describes most men - total lack of interest in the inner life of their partners because they have no interest in their own internal lives. Most women have to deal with this behaviour from their husbands
To a point yes. But they usually try to make up for it in other ways, like providing. I'm not saying that's enough but the way I see it, if they are actually giving and having output that matches their partners but it's just in another way, I think we should give them the full credit that is due for that. If all their output is for themselves but you just happen to be around and benefit from some of that, ugh that's not enough. Men are very ego driven and if we judge them with our woman ways they may not ever stack up. But I think there's a lot of nuance involved. If there's no nuance and it's all ego, just drop them.
I wish I was one of those husbands. I really do. I wish I didn't care about my wife yelling constantly at our kids and insulting me when I tell her to stop yelling at our crying kids. They were hiding under the table. I'm done.
@@theweirdkids790 sounds like she isn't coping with something. You telling her you're done isn't going to help that.
while i respect where youre coming from, and understand youve been hurt, blaming a massive group of people that only share singular trait is not going to help you heal and move forward. not all men are like this, and frankly its going to be regressive and make the process of trusting others and moving on / growing infinitely more challenging for you
@@cchampa17 not the « not all men » comment when it’s crearly written « most ».
Did you make the third part? Thank you for sharing this with the world, and thank you for being so caring and determined to help others ❤️❤️❤️❤️ this helps me sooo much!
Thank you so much, great tips!
I have a friend exactly like this. I recently lost a dear loved one to lung cancer and when I told her about it she said "I knew you had a good reason for ignoring me" and proceeded to ask me about something I was selling on marketplace. Couldn't even bother to say "Sorry to hear that" or "My condolences"
Well presented videos...
Well said. Good video!
Awesome, it's really educative
Iam here learning this psychology of relationship and these traits sounds familiar to my ears in my current relationship
Great video
nice. these tools of understanding are way overdue.
could help to save a lot of relationships.
but only if people are willing.
their are affairs of the heart that will need to be addressed too.
Wow, I need to learn this stuff!
Never received any compliments on all the work that I did from the Yappy X. He's now living on his own. He calls to tell me to cook him meals, I say no because I don't want to see him, listen to the Giant Chihuahua nor cater to their every whim.
Good decision on your part, I think.
thank you
Was there a part 3? I cant seem to find it.
Excellent video, thank you.. where can we find part 3?
After I suffering for 40 years, I am so desperate to have my life back . Please 🙏 hope this time I am following my heard not my head.I really like to be happy alone with my kids and grandkids... thank You kindly
where is the engagement continuum link?
It took a few years of reminding and sometimes bitching but xe's finally rinsing and soaking dishes. I'll work on the wiping the stove before the spills dry unless I show up first ;"D. Perhaps I'm just to clean and should be more considerate that her family lives on a farm :'O.
Oh my even therapist have a hard time dealing with a self absorbed person. Hopeless. 😭
My husband bought a 40,000. tractor with attachments we dis not need. I was not in agreement and said we need to pay off some bills first and not spend money BEFORE you get a large check in the future. He bought it anyway.
Where is the next video in this subject or what’s it called? Thank you
“He had great appreciation for his iron and vacuuming skills” 🤣I have never owned or needed an iron and I own a rumba which I rarely use. . Are you serious dude?
Where is part 3?
Where is the next part? Thanks
Holy shit this is dejavou.
"John" is totally self-absorbed individual, no team work in this relationship.
where can I see video 3 ?
This is most likely the True cause of most divorce, for how does someone go from devoting and vowing their whole lives to eachother in marriage if not for Selfishness...?
I believe in my husband.
Any time i try to talk to himhow i feel, he rolls his eyes and usyally says, not now.
Hello, my sister is in a marriage with a self-absorbed partner. They have many children together, and she is constantly busy with tending to the kids, making meals, and cleaning the house. Her husband is very smart and provides a good income for the family, but in other ways, he is not emotionally supportive of her and is often very critical, not recognizing her efforts. Whenever she has tried to voice her unhappiness or requests assistance with the kids, he gets defensive and says that she doesn't love him.
Because both of them are so busy with demands from work and household chores, they have not sought out therapy. How is it possible for me or others in my family to help my sister, while her husband is blind to her emotional needs? It is making her depressed and withdrawn.
help your sister find a good therapist to help her!!
She needs to read the book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bandcroft and the Emotionally Destructive Marriage by Leslie Vernick. This is give her some clarity.
I suffer similarly. I made note of what helps me: seeing some sort of separation from the "self" to the "union" reduces pressure on the relationship to have needs fulfilled. Reducing pressure on the romantic love of our life have our needs met, and focus on other areas where we receive love , feel seen, and energized...like in finding our own passion. Accepting the wounds than resisting them, helps make clearer decisions. Sometimes things sort out slowly but we won't be able to enjoy those tiny changes because of ruminating on the wounding...that's when we tend to withdraw. Write hate letters and dispose them to reduce them having impressions on the present. I don't know if these are perfectly healthy options. But they help me. Especially to reduce the rumination. My love to your sister, my heart opens up for her. Hope she know how much she is loved by you and her people.
Ma'am How to deal with self-absorbed husband..plz
If it's bad for the therapist, can you imagine the abhorrent feeling the partner feels on a regular basis
Send us management too
I think my wife is allergic to Empathy.
You’re lucky. My wife doesn’t even know what empathy is.
My husband doesnt understand the concept...at all. How heartbreaking.
These people never change 👎🏽
It’s best to save your sanity and walk away
The lying and porn did my marriage in. Still living with him. Watching the change is fun...but 31 years has taken it's toll.
:((
That's not true
John and Mary 🙈🙈 My gosh John.
Youre going to make it easy to leave him for real...bc in ny mind i dont understand how someone can only think about themselves...
How did they get this way? They are horrible to be with.
I honestly believe that their parents never disciplined them and were very spoiled. Just a theory.
With my partner of 9 years, I believe it was because he didn't get enough attention as a child. His mum was busy and not a very nurturing mum, from stories he has told me. He was the youngest of 4 boys - a surprise baby his mum didn't want. So all of his adult life revolves around his need for attention from others. As his partner, he sees my role as providing the attention to him that his mother didn't give, so it's all take take, take, unconditionally and nothing in return. He seeks recognition from others (he is a celebrity in his circles & worldwide with his social media presence) Yet the void & deficit he has inside him is insatiable & unfillable. Like a black hole, he sucks in energy and vitality from all around him. Over 9 years he had robbed me of my energy & vitality, leaving me like an empty husk.
We are now in the process of breaking up but he can't comprehend why I'm breaking up with him. He has no insight into his behaviour and is unable to acknowledge or admit any wrong-doing. He has never listened when I told him what I found difficult & impossible in our relationship. I feel quite sorry for him, really, as he is just devastated I have left him.
@Prudence Mthembu you know what the worst part of it is that sometimes you're much better looking and much smarter even when you are both University graduates and even if she is a very acknowledged professional, but still she holds on to the spouse to complete the puzzle not to cherish what she used to say about him, because probably she didn't see in him the love of her life but the love that she wanted and the person who fits in the puzzle perfectly.
And when you look at this couples you will be shocked to know who is the one who's self-absorped. For example the husband might be a tall attractive sexy husband and just want to please his woman while she is taking him for granted. The worst part is when you try to reason with them, the self-absorbed people deny what they even said just a minute ago and they reverse the exact blame and attack you
These type of people are not deserving of love
They only need help and understanding.
At all...leave them where you found them lol
I finally said. I didn’t respect myself the first 5 years of 3rd marriage and felt my abusive upbringing repeating itself. Codependency to a user mother and molestation with father. Any little kindness from another person was viewed as huge where as my bar of being respected very low. I realize this platform is for therapists. There is so much garbage on utube for marital advice. I’ve tried to commit suicide twice. I’m 68. I was a single parent and didn’t remarry until my kids were out of high school. It took two years for me to become interested in my husband. Once married he lived his life as if he was single and dismissed me in the bedroom. It’s inter racial. I blamed myself for being unattractive because I was white. His kids hated me and wished I died. He allowed them to disrespect me. In fact two years ago I had a meningioma removed from left temporal lobe and his daughter told him she hoped I died in surgery. I was in therapy trying to set boundaries for my relationship with my suffocating mother and didn’t address my marriage. I’m twenty years in this marriage. I feel I’ve wasted 20 years. I told this man I don’t love him. He tells me he loves me so much and wants to stay married. I feel cheated in life. A scary rotten upbringing, failed abusive mini marriages then this marriage in my 50s. I’m the caretaker. But I’ve never took care of me. This pandemic and post brain surgery that lit up complex PTSD, leaves me hopeless. My biological family never called when I had brain surgery. My mother just died but I still don’t feel free of her. My father died in 1989, never accountable. I choose to live for my adult children But if they weren’t in my life, I would choose to die.
I'm so sorry for all that you've gone through 😔 I hope you find peace in your life and learn to love yourself 💗 you deserve to..xxx
@@scaggywillz thank you. Your are very kind.
@@Fiawordweaver 💕 x
I felt the pain in this comment. I know a fair amount of it myself. I am sorry for how you have suffered. Know that there are people out there who believe in you and know that you deserve better. I hope you know more kindness in your life. The way you have been mistreated is not your fault and is in no way a comment on your worth. Generally, when people say they want to die it is because they are in a tremendous amount of pain. I work on trying to replace “I want to die” with “I want the pain to lessen” or “I want to feel better.” Just because others were too stupid, selfish, and full of sludge to recognize your worth, does not mean that you should not recognize it. You are not how others have made you feel! There is strength in the kindness I am sure you have. You have an empathy stronger than any of the hate you have suffered through. You need only learn how to turn that empathy onto yourself. She has been deprived of it long enough.
@@Snuggies0are0amazing what a beautiful caring message to send to me. Thank you. Since I shared my story I have had a breakthrough in my marriage and we have reconciled to being kind and supportive to one another after 20 years of marriage. My thirty years of therapy laid a foundation to opening hearing and receiving information from a neuroscientist ( Caroline Leaf on utube) that showed proven data that we are capable of claiming our lives as unique and worthwhile which retires our brain and provides a healthy brain. I am on a daily gratitude awakening every morning replacing how much I hate my life when I would wake up in the morning. I am receiving kindness and strong support from people like yourself that reinforces my validation to me. Thank you from my heart. I appreciate you so much and I am finally able to truthfully tell you that I am creating happiness for myself and also making it my purpose to spread that encouragement and kindness to others. You are a very special person to take the time to encourage me. Wishing you all the happiness and kindness that you also deserve!
Get absolutly zero me time. Work my a$$ of to provide and get no fun. No hobbies..no male buddies...she took away everything i loved before we met. And has the nerve to wonder why im grumpy..distant..and dont "listen". Had she not changed me..i'd be totally differnt right now. Weve discussed this stuff..she said she' d change..but nothing changes. Im 54 and life has passed me by. I wish i was dead at this point. Depressed joyless worker robot.
When a partners' sentences usually start with " I" or " I am" or "I feel"...watch out. Chances are they are self-absorbed and selfish losers.