@@mechaniraThey are talking about how family members would rather silence victims and hide the wrong doing of their abusive or even rapist family members to keep the family from looking bad
@@mechaniraFor real? I'll tell you that in many cultures, having an outwardly successful, shiny public image is something that must be protected at all costs. If the reality is one of abuse, neglect and rampant narcissism, and a child "outs" his/her parents as being crappy parents, the fury of the family will fall on them - because now everyone knows they're actually shitty people instead of the paragons of virtue and hood parenting they want to portray themselves as.
A parent can have multiple children but you can only have one mother and one father. They can afford to discard you if you are ungrateful but you can afford to deny your roots. When we trim the leaves of a plant, they regrow but when we cut off the roots, it dies.
@marvelousoui4393 I glad you seem to have a great relationship with both patents/guardians. I get where you are coming from with your opinion, but why minimize a person's worth to owing their parent or not losing touch with your roots/you can be replaced? That is an apathetic view on traumatic experiences and the ability to enforce the concept 'no, never again'. I have no contact with my father, but my sister is working on having a relationship with him. I can see him as a person with scars of his own or flaws, doesn't mean I should force myself to forgive trauma and fear he gave me during my most vulnerable years of life. Adult children who do this are not being rash, holding grudges, or missing out on a relationship. They are deciding to live the fullest life possible without trying to put in constant effort to please their abusers. I worked to have a relationship with my dad but realized, at 18, that he would continue to hurt me and my sister. I would continuously be harmed. Also, don't ever have more than one child with the expectation of discarding or expecting them to care for you if you raise them. How you treat your kids will determine the relationship later in life.
@@toffeenut1336 that has to be the parent’s raising of the child then because until they’re a certain age, they literally are dependent on the parents, they are powerless.
@@toffeenut1336why does someone always have to make this point. It's not about that. It's about victims of terrible parents. If it doesn't apply it's not for you.
I am being the bigger person by not allowing myself to be engaged by behaviour that isn't acceptable, and pivoting my energy towards constructive loving endeavours.
@@ssboschky When you don't engage with unacceptable behavior you are passively letting it continue to exist. I understand that this is very difficult to deal with terrible behavior and I think it isn't our job to fix everyone. What we do need is not turn a blind eye to bad behavior. We can't just say "yeah this is bad, but I'm not gonna do anything about it because it's a waste of time". If we can't convince the person doing the terrible thing, we can at least convince others that they shouldn't be like this.
@@htpkey yeah, like say something. just don't accknowledge their stupidity. but don't stay quiet. your words are the most important. you are NOT as small as they want you to be. as they try to make you believe. you are much much louder and wiser. as long as we can handle it and it doesn't cost us our mental health, baby steps, absolutely. that's a hard one. need the right tools hah Not easy but not impossible! ☺️🤗
It's strange how people expect you to be the bigger person when, beforehand, they treated you like you were so small that you were practically invisible to them
I victim blame those who victim blame. They are shocked when you use their words against them. It puts them into the position of a victim being blamed because they feel like they are the victim in that situation.
I understand. My father was emotionally and physically abusive, so I wrote him off. I did not go to the funeral. Everyone told me I’d regret it. It’s been just over 16 years. Still DON’T regret it.
Yup haven't talked to my abusive father for 10 years. My mom is using the excuse I'll regret it. Her dad was horrible to her and walked out of her life at 3 years old. So she told us at 18 she traveled from NY to NC to a retirement home she went to him just to cuss him out. He didn't recognize her or even knew who she was because he has over 20 kids. She wasted money for nothing and the dude still ain't gave a f*** and died peacefully. My father is still alive and I still won't talk to him.
This reminds me of my parents telling me over and over how I would understand when I had children of my own. Yup! I sure understand everything now, just not in the way they thought I would. Having a child has given me a CATASTROPHIC amount of context.
Man... It's so sad to hear that. It hurts me just thinking about it. But I can understand, in a way I'm lucky to have a loving family, so I can imagine that's not the case for everyone. After all, we didn't decide to be born. But I can't help thinking that if parents are like this, there must be a reason ? Were they brought up that way ? Are they desperate, ill or completely lost ? Sometimes, even as adults, it's complicated to deal with emotions, and even as parents they're still human. But if course that shouldn't excuse their behavior...
That's so we'll said. Thank you for sharing this. There's so many of us that have lived thru this. I wish more ppl understand they are NOT alone. That single fact, that I was not alone, helped me feel so much better. I hope it helps someone else.
This. It's sad but also absolutely hilarious, like taking care of the minimum needs of your child and that gives a parent the right to treat you like shit.
@@Jixsurez just because your parent didnt say they you love 100 times a day and give you everything you want doesn't mean you don't have any obligation to them either
Family’s always be like: Why can’t you just take abuse so that way we don’t have to stand up to the abuser because that’s inconvenient for us?? So selfish! 🙄🙄
I stopped talking to my dad for seven months. Nonstop did I hear family members say you should fix your relationship, you should check up on him as if what he did to me was insignificant and that I shouldn't be hurt by the things he said and did to me. I eventually started talking to my dad again and started rebuilding a relationship. But one thing that really pissed me off is when I mentioned that he sends me money twice a month (*I'm a college student and he rather me not work), and my aunt literally said "aren't you glad that you started talking to your dad again, since he's sending you money." I think that seven months of not talking really helped us, but that comment really disgusted me , as if I'm supposed to have someone in my life who really hurt me stay in it because they are helping to pay for stuff. That's like saying to someone "you should stay in a abusive relationship even though they abuse you at least they take care of you"
It’s so true! My step dad is bipolar and unmedicated and always has been. Been physically and emotionally abusive to me and I would stand up for myself and all my mom would do is say “you’re both acting like children”. Difference is I was a child and he was a grown man that knows better. I haven’t talked to him in nearly two years and the whole time my mom would push to me talking to him whenever I see him at family events. There’s a reason I refuse to talk to him and that’s an apology I’m never going to get. He put his hands on me and my ex saw it so he beat the shit out of him. And when it blew over he apologized to my ex who beat the shit out of him but not me who he beat the shit of. It just shows he doesn’t respect me and I can’t stand how my mom and other family members can say I’m being childish for refusing to talk to him but I have told everyone. All I want is an apology and then I’ll consider making small talk. He knows it everyone knows it and after 2 years still nothing.
Sometimes it's nice to be reminded that you're not the only one having you're kind of problems. Thank you, this couldn't have come at a more appropriate time for me.
The Truth Teller and Scapegoat have survival skills! We’re built different and if you survived a narc parental relationship, BRAVO! Love yourself, always remember it was never your fault, live well and flourish.
My abusive father took his anger on our dog too (slammed his head on the floor, kicked him in the ribs and he flew halfway across the apartment...) sooo what if they answer yes? T-T Well i do think my family would hate him after hearing that he hit the dog, but why is hitting his wife and daughter not enough...?
My dad hit and kicked my dogs when mad at them. Now the first one is scared of random objects and jumps at noise. 😁 I was the autistic kid, unfortunately. You can imagine how my relationship with my father is.
I know I am not popular in certain family circles myself. Too bad for them, because it could have been so different. But I am not going to gaslight myself over it anymore. 😢
Yeah, as an adult, I now see how weird it was for the adults in my family to say "lying is wrong", but it only applied to _them._ There was an entire script of lies for school and the outside world in general, and if you "tell them our business", you'd get in trouble.
It's 100% accurate too. I'm the truth teller in my family. After years of abuse and trying to get help for myself and my siblings (which never came to fruition because apparently I was a liar! ) And it's amazing how little they listened to children even when showing up to school with proof, being covered in bruises 30+ years ago. I left home at 16 and I'm now almost 45 and don't talk to any of them except one sister. I myself won't be showing up for any of their funerals. There is a special place in hell for my mother and step father.
I read about the dysfunctional families in the Bible and it has helped me through not feeling guilty of going no contact with my dad. It’s ok not to be close to certain family members.
@@katierucker2870Soon as I get out of my grandma's house, I'm going no contact with either my aunt or my siblings. Especially the soul sucking, gaslighting, emotionally and verbally abusive harpy I have for a sister, Fuck 'em!
And we also have PEACE! When family members are upset by truth telling, I feel compassion for them; because it comes from a place of fear. My actions are shaking their reality and it's scary. I get it. It's not going to change MY life, but I get it; and they're allowed to cope in whatever way they choose.
@@ezoxide lmao, same. Found him when I got invited to his funeral where someone had the audacity to say he wanted to see me 🤣 like he could've had he put in even a drop of effort lol. If you find him, remember you owe him nothing, nor do you deserve to be mistreated just cos you share some dna :)
Mine is in prison and has almost always been scum. I won't miss him when he's gone for good. No relationship with him and IDC if him and my stepmom cut me out of his will (IDK if they did but I don't want anything associated with him or them.)
"if theres one thing a family hates more than an abuser, its a truth-teller" is one of the hardest truths I've ever had to accept. Even my siblings who agree with me and also understand the extent of my mom's abuse (especially to me as the only daughter) hate the fact that I won't just accept it and humor her
Have you read Jeannette McCurdays new autobiography? Really might be relatable. She writes about the relationship with her narcissistic mother as the only daughter
@@Raddiebaddie Yes, it's incredible ❤️ I was so happy she was able to write about her experience because it started such an important conversation. She has done so much for victims of parental narcissistic abuse
Your probably the problem. Just thought you should know. Normal people dont go on the internet and talk badly about family even if their in the right. Im assuming the guy in the video he is the problem too. I dont care if people cut of bad family members. But people who will trash on anyone in front of strangers for likes and attention. In my experience they are the real shitty people. Just putting that out there do with it as you please.
@@captaintony1227 i actually didnt do any of the things you mentioned here but i'm sorry if you are easily triggered, upset or confused. i recommend just not engaging with content that makes you feel this way because it seems like a waste of valuable energy and it's causing you to make assumptions or "fill in the blanks" about strangers. i tend to find that people who seek out content they don't agree with and reply to comments with unrelated rants and judgments are generally unstable and easily offended. you could probably benefit from grounding exercises and doing a mental inventory on why you make those assumptions. it seems as though you are just projecting but who am I to say!
Literally this, my siblings directly experienced the abuse and my older brother still thinks I should talk to her again. She abused him too, being a mother means nothing if you treat your kids the way she did us, as far as I’m concerned she was an egg donor and an incubator
My dad's side is full of narcissists (including him), only one positive note is they noticed one of their siblings is toxic. However, they still can't look at themselves, and see they are also the problem to everyone else outside of the family, and inside
My mom has 6 adult kids with no contact. She completely splintered our immediate family with her abuse, yet when extended family get together, they are amazed that the kids don't attend (if we know my mom will be there.) It was one of the hardest decisions to cut her off, and I still have a hard time explaining it. This video was empowering. Thank you.
You owe nobody an explanation, Miranda. The fact that you found the decision difficult shows that you didn't make it lightly. This was no whim. Also, five other adults, in the same situation, chose to do the same thing. FIVE!! That's doesn't make you an anomaly, it makes your mother's behaviour a pattern. As an outsider looking in, there is one common denominator here that is the OBVIOUS issue - your mother. If 6 adults all have taken issue with the behaviour of their mother, then the people in your extended family need to open their eyes and spot that insanely obvious common denominator! I mean that's less of a red flag, and more like a full-blown major alarm system going off. It's not up to you to teach other adults basic logic. Quite frankly, if her behaviour was so bad that it upset so many children, those in the extended should be *apologising* for not stepping in, and *thanking* you for succeeding where they failed and protecting your mental health. If they can't see that, then they're an extension of her abuse and you're better off giving them a very wide berth. It sounds like your siblings understand if they've chosen the same path. I wish you happiness and healing. You deserve it 💕
It astounds me that people could look at the situation and place blame on the child, I always know the parent must be absolutely terrible if their own kids won’t talk to them
I like to make jokes about my mom. Like: "I'd call her but reception is really bad 6 feet under ground" People sometimes apologize or express sympathy, which is hilarious because if they knew how she treated people she had power over, they wouldn't.
As the parent of adult children, I am 100% clear that it is my responsibility to nurture a close and loving relationship with my children. Respect their boundaries, support their decisions, respect their partner, not give unsolicited advice, and love their spouse and children as my own. I have great relationships with my kids. I've taken responsibility for the mistakes I made and apologized for the times I hurt them. They understand that I'm human. It's actually quite easy to forgive someone mistakes if they take responsibility for them. Parents always know why their kids go no contact. You can't blame them for not wanting to continue a toxic dynamic.
"But you should act like an adult!" Why do I have to, but no one else does? Sometimes anger keeps me up at night. Thank you for the video. I feel more understood now.
Adults don't engage with people who hurt them. So their words are right but they don't understand them. Protecting yourself and leaving behind people who weaken and hurt you, that is how an adult acts.
@@ianluk6385 yes. Easier said than done when they're supposed to be "family". I'll send you a mesage for Christmas because at some point I'm gonna have to see you in person- but don't start being chatty cause I couldn't care less. 🙄
It is lonely. But idgaf about sugarcoating the truth and I will call out anyone in my family, including my mother and my stepdad, for unwarranted behavior or lying. And they know it too.
It's tough. I'm a weird ass that would go to the funeral and mourn the person I wish they were with the jealousy I had of other parents that were good. I would hope to hear a true story of them that was good and wish I knew them as that. A story of their childhood or something about them before I knew them. Even meeting someone else at the funeral who is as hurt as myself.
💯 The abuser and the dysfunctional family wants you to shut up and play your role within the dysfunction. How dare you step out of the role they assigned you. What makes you think you can act on your own values and interests? 😄
Yes! Me and my cousin are the truth tellers in our family. No one loves it in Camp Let’s Mourn the Abuser, yet it sure feels great to not have to pretend we didn’t go through that and it really just frees up space (cuz it lets us know who is worthy of our time) for our various chosen families to fill our lives❤
As the one person with no filter in my family, yes.. We’re doing way better and I’m quite sure some credit goes to me just sorta, getting fed up at some point and just letting it all out. Our parents are not bad people, and my evidence is that they did listen in the end,, so yeah at least there’s my story on it!
I always get tired of the oh “but they’re your family” excuse as if sharing the same blood just immediately erases all of the trauma and emotional damage that they have inflicted on you. Respect is mutual, it shouldn’t be given to a person who doesn’t know how to respect others at all.
Respect is not always mutual. Respect is based upon witness of effort to maintain credibility through integrity. I often wonder about people that want to be respected. I wonder if they feed the poor, visit those in prison. Show love and acceptance of others' thoughts and expression even if they distinctly disagree in their viewpoints. I remind many that you can't build a civilization when everyone has to change their speech and actions to accommodate those subscribe to extreme bias. The argument very often lies with when someone in their life is trying desperately to point them in what they feel is the best direction. You just don't want to hear it.
@@EagleZoo Well I understand what you mean but I’m talking about if you probably respected someone in the past but they continuously disrespected you, then they get surprised when you want nothing to do with them anymore.
@@EagleZoo And tbh, if you push someone so close to the edge like that and abuse and neglect them sm, even if they are a kind person, you can’t possibly expect them to uphold that same kindness towards you anymore.
@@EagleZoo Oh and I also forgot to mention. You don’t have to always do community things to be kind/respectful, and visiting people in prison..it depends on what they did mostly. Like if a loved one did something like murder many innocent people or raped many people etc, I would be devastated to even be related to them.
Coming from a broken family where we all secretly hate each other and drwad passive aggressive family events, it truly is better to just not get involved. Sadly, sometimes it's better for everybody to just go about your separate lives and be happy. Sadly, sometimes blood doesn't mean shit.
I remember a rough time in my relationship with my mother, my dad was telling me to try to forgive her and to be the bigger person and I told him "why do I need to be the adult in this? She is the parent". It is not easy to go throught that kind of trauma and stand your ground. You are so strong.
Am sadly more surprise that your dad didn't take custody to you when you were younger and moved away from your mother or something. But again, I am sorry what happened to you.
@@AfianySnow29802-GS sadly ppl don't always see toxic behaviour, either because they don't recognise it or because the abuser is very good at abusing the victim behind everyone's bank and making the victim out to be crazy so noone believes them if they speak out.
I had the opposite happen. My elder brother was horrifically abusive throughout my childhood and teenage years. My mother, this beautiful and compassionate pillar in my life, used to just hold me in her arms as he screamed and yelled about all sorts of things. He hit her, pushed her, tormented her, and used protective services as a tool to strip my mother of her voice and any freedom to punish him. Social workers saw her as the villain and left us in hell... Yet, my mother was always blamed for destroying the family, and for speaking out. Her friends told her to abandon/kick out my brother but the family shamed her for even arguing with him. Yet, that beautiful woman put me in therapy because she saw how much I was suffering. Although because he was so young there’s now this weird expectation that we have to wipe it all under the rug, that those were difficult teenage years. No contact with him was the best thing I did in my life. It was euphoria and safety. My therapist could focus on helping me heal instead of how to protect myself emotionally. I struggled to speak about my experiences but my silence was more powerful than any words I could have used.
Older brothers are supposed to protect you, shield you when your parents can't, tell you about things you need to know when your parents don't want to, be your backup and be the one person you can go to if no else wants to listen or you can't tell. I wouldn't even call yours a brother anymore, just a man that your mother gave birth to when he didn't deserve to be even associated with her.
I'm so sorry for you and your mother. I'm glad at least you seem to understand she wanted to love you (and probably felt terrible her own offspring could be the way your brother was). I can't imagine that struggle of needing to kick out a child due to that but also feeling guilty of letting him out into the world like that.
Parental alienation is also Loud . When you choose to keep their mothers secrets because you're more concerned about the children's mental health . Make sure you actually Know your Truth .
The hardest part of going no contact with my mother wasn't actually going no contact with her; it was the unsupportive relatives who knew how she was and STILL insisted on trying to trick me into meeting her and "mending things". Much like her, no one cared how I felt. I don't talk to them now, either.
Uhh I know those. A lot of people seem to not understand that relationships mending actually requires the sides involved to acknowledge the problems, accept their faults and work to fix those.
"The one thing a family hates more than an abuser is a truth-teller." MAN THAT HITS HARD. Nobody likes when you tell the truth. That's why I'm estranged from most of my family. I tell the truth about what happened to me, and they hate how it portrays our family. IMO, they're so offended about how it portrays the family, they should reflect on themselves and why the truth shows them in such a negative light. It's not my fault that they can't handle what they see when they hear the truth.
My mom’s family essentially aided a middle aged man in grooming my (then underage) sister. My mom literally has a relationship with these freaks 😅 guess we know which side she is on
You are so correct! My dad‘s fourth wife said it right out loud, “you are making this family looks so bad!“ All because I didn’t want to go visit out of state where they live because they fight and they are alcoholics and it was just repulsive to be around them. I severed all ties years ago, and I wish I had done it sooner, but they have that fear factor that keeps you trapped in their web of disgusting lies.
@lunaluv some people do appreciate hearing the truth no matter how painful. True, they'd rather avoid the pain but in the end, they like that someone loved them enough to tell the real truth
I went no contact 11 years ago. Best decision I have ever made. Last year after a decade of trying to make it work with my little sister, I also had to go no contact with her. Honestly there is no doubt in my mind that I'm the bad guy in their story, but at least they're not part of mine anymore. Who needs blood ties when they only strangle you ?
"Honestly there is no doubt in my mind that I'm the bad guy in their story, but at least they're not part of mine anymore." I needed to read this exact thing because my toxic family's perception of me and how they would talk about me to others in our family has been a big reason for me holding off on going NC when I really need to, and this is what I needed to read tonight. Thank you.
The amount of toxicity family members have can be damaging to the person on the long run, mentally, physically and emotionally. Cutting people off is a good way to ensure your safety and well-being.
No child makes the Decision to go no contact with their parent lightly. If they do 99% of the time that parent is messed up and deserves the alienation
The term is estranged parents...& yes the overwhelming majority absolutely had it coming for a LONG time.Parental alienation is when an underage child is kept away from the other parent usually after the parents break-up, a lot of narcs do this 💩 to their kids so they'll hate the other parent😮💨.Great post,just 💭 I'd clear the terms up since a lot of folks get parental alienation & estranged parents mixed up.Some of these estranged parent buttholes are purposely trying to muddy the waters by mixing these terms up in their whiny videos🤢.
No child, adult or otherwise, owes respect to parents who spent the child's whole childhood mistreating or neglecting them. Life is too short to spend it with people who are cruel to you! 😔 I'm sorry to hear your dad was not a good person. But I'm glad you reclaimed those 10 years, instead of getting dragged back into that chaos and toxic situation!
I always hate the "they're family you have to love them" crap. My parents are wonderful, but my dad's parents are absolute trash, and I refuse to respect them. I didn't even know people had more than one pair of grandparents until I was like 15 because they never reached out to us. Though, maybe it was best not growing up knowing such emotionally abusive people
it's a very similar thing with me. My grandfather was physically and mentally abusing my father but my father acted like nothing was wrong because he goes by "honor thy mother and father" so I thought that I had to love my grandfather. Until my mother's mom(who is also big on "honor thy mother and father") told me *"that man brought harm onto your family, you should treat him with respect, but you do not have to love him."*
I never met my mum's dad, we didn't show up to his funeral, and she refused her share of his inheritance. It doesn't shock me, considering he was so abusive that my mother and her brother proclaimed they would kill him while they were four and six respectively, prompting my grandmother to take her two children and move back to her home country on the other side of the world. No child support, nothing, not even supported by her own family because how dare she leave her husband (thanks 60s-70s misogyny). I don't even know what he looks like. But, my mother doesn't look like my grandmother's side of the family. And I am a clone of my mother. It's kind of unsettling to think about, so I don't. Ironically, while from broken homes, both my parents are incredible people.
If blood is what's holding your family together, that just says that you'd sooner be rid of each other if you weren't. That's not love. Edit for celerity: "you" in the general sense of the hypothetical reader, not "you" in the specific sense of anyone here, of course, in case that wasn't clear.
At this point I'd just like to throw in here that the actual saying goes "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb." Take from that what you will.
@Marcy630 If it was supportive, great. If it wasn't then it means it came from someone who can't understand because they haven't had to live through what I did, which is also great. That you were kind enough to stop and wonder is the best of all. Thank you, I appreciate you.
My mother brutalized me until i grew big enough to fight back and boy i destroyed her face! I got the "im your mother, how could you?" And i was her child, she didnt think about that, she didnt have a heart for me when at just fourteen i tried to escape her abuse by suic*de. And she demanded i have a heart for her? 😂 I dont have to respect u JUST BECAUSE ur my mother, i dont owe u that, respect ur children if u want their respect u dont get to demand it, and parents remember, even ur children have a boiling point, and they will not be a defenseless child forever...
Glad you got away. Yeah... these parents have NO EMPATHY. And so they deserve no sympathy. :( My mother is 78 and she's only getting worse with age..... No contact is survival. She has refused a POA, kept driving even after she flunked her vision exam to renew her driver's license. Aging narcs are like hand grenades, and when they pull their own pin, the only thing their adult children can do is RUN! The last ten months, the only times she tries to hoover me is to try to get more money out of me. Doesn't care about my kids at all, just like she didn't care about me. My mother-in-law is my role model for parenting now, NOT my mother.
I absolutely despise how people use their parental relationship against you as if you owe them something. Excuse me, but i did not choose to be born. You only owe things to people who you choose to do things for. For example, you owe it to your married partner to do chores around the house because you chose to be with them, therefore you have an obligation to make the relatiomship as smooth as possible. But being born without choice and using, "I raised you, i gave you life, i fed you, i bought things." Is literally just a form of manipulation and abuse. I learned this very quickly when my parents threatened to take away or destroy things they bought for me. What dod i do? I went out and bought my own stuff and keep all my receipts, so they cant threaten to destroy my property because if you do, ill smash up their stupid valuable vehicles they care so much about. I will play fair with you, you want to break something of mine, i get to break something of yours. I have no remorse for people like that. Just like if you punch me, better be prepared to receive a punch in return. You want to manipulate me? Honey, i will gaslight and manipulate you until youre a balling mess and i will not feel anything for it. My parents behavior towards me has taught me how tobe absolutely cold hearted to people who treat me like anything that is not right. I have a big heart, but i am not easily taken advantage of anymore. I can live on my own and fend for myself. I have independence, and that scares people. The fact that i cant be manipulated and abused and gaslit to be dependent on someone else's control scares people away from me, and thats what i want. I dont want you in my life if you cant accept my independence. I will play as a team as long as you work things out with me too. If not, you will not hear the end of me bringing up our issues. Ive met too many people who have said i am the problem and i need to change, okay, i will make adjustments when you make adjustments. Ive been to therapy, i know how to be accountable and self-aware and make immedoate changes. 7+ years of therapy on-and-off. I know myself better than anyone. I can keep my word, but if you dont hold your end of the bargain, then i dont either. You either play fair with me, or you can eat shit. Lol. Because i will literally serve you a cracker on a plate while i eat a full meal to show you how unfair you treat me. Im vindictive. So dont be a part of my life if you dont want to be treated like this. I will 100% throw your unfairness in your face every moment you are a part of my life until you change as well or leave. I cannot stand people who think they know better than you and shame you just because of their age, gender, race, or relationship status. You are a human to me and i will not raise you higher than i raise myself. You will alwaya be on the same level as me because i am not playing into power struggles.
@@Jake38nineWow this was powerful. Im trying to get to a similar place as you. I still have the problem of being too scared to hurt their feelings even though they hurt mine with no remorse. I still have too much empathy when people dont have empathy for me. Being this way just gets me taken advantage of and no one learns their lesson. Im trying to learn how to care about myself more and put myself first and give back the same treatment they give to me because how else will they learn? I hate when people say be the bigger person becasue being the bigger person is just putting up with mistreatment and it just continues.
@amandaolson6682 I still empathize and I still am understanding of my enemies. You have to be empathetic and understanding of your enemies to get beneath their skin. You have to know their triggers. But it is stressful. You have to have a strong mind and will and safe place. I do not recommend acting this way when you have no escape. You have no idea what people will do top. But if you're safe, then go off. That's why independence is a good trait to learn and have. You have to learn how to take care of yourself and your surroundings before you expect someone else to take care of theirs. Most people have a hard time being alone with themselves. You have to learn how to be alone. You have to learn how to think for yourself. You have to learn how to disagree and question things. That's how you become strong-willed. The whole "be the bigger person" thing is just a manipulative tactic to keep you stifled. I ignore most hollow advice and get angry at it because you can just hear how fake and disingenuous it is. I'm looking for depth and authenticity within people. Telling someone to be the bigger person or forgive or "be yourself" is the same shallow bs as small talking about the weather everyday with everyone you meet. I don't want to talk about the weather on a surface level, I want to talk about the science and causation of weather AKA Depth. I can't stand shallowness.
I can understand respecting the dead to an extent. If they were a piece of shit when they had a pulse, them being in the ground doesn't automatically undue all they did. If they weren't respectful and just a downright horrible human being in life, than its only justified they be remembered that way
@@TheUndeadOhioan1999 yeah they made their own choice of how to treat others, and in that they cannot expect to be missed nor mourned over. They made their bed.
@@sandras2624 unfortunately the sad truth is that theres a 99% chance that at least one person is going to be sad they're gone, and even defend them. Without going too into detail, a HUGE chunk of my family are toxic and have royally fucked me up, honestly looking forward to when they're dead and won't lose an ounce of sleep saying the truth. Some may say you must eventually forgive somebody who wronged you, and how its the "morally right" thing to do. Anybody who says that is either blind, ignorant, is one of the lucky ones to not experience stuff that leads to life long trauma, or all of the above
Praying for your mental health and healing journey. I'm 34 and have went no contact with my mom, it's been a year, I want to learn to stop people pleasing and prioritize my mental health though because I still haven't been able to do that yet
The truth has power! My best friend didn't grieve at all when her mother and father died. She thought something was wrong with her. That is until she went to a seminar on family abuse and child truth teller. She said she felt free for the first time in her life.😊
Your friend probably had already grieved the loss of her parents before they died. She grieved the ones she never had. So there was nothing left to grieve for.
I’ve been estranged from my family for the last 15 years and it’s been the hardest but most rewarding thing I’ve ever had to do. I needed to hear this. Thank you.
Yeah it's a tough situation. My father hates fat people, I'm really really fat. He hates minorities, my wife is Hispanic, he criticizes black guys for not staying with their kids, but I barely knew him growing up, and it's not an accurate stereotype. He's a really spiteful guy. I feel sorry for him but I don't talk to him anymore. I've got too many things to be thankful for and at 51 years old, I just don't have room in my life to focus on negative stuff. It was a hard decision but like you, I'm happy I made it.
it was surprisingly cathartic realizing almost everyone in my 'family' were just a bunch of narcissistic children with chips on their shoulders. go no contact, stay no contact, keep your heads up kings
My family was only fortunate in that we had a large number of people who knew how bad my grandfather was. Our parents made sure the granddaughters were Never alone with the man. His own daughters and wife knew what he would and had done to them. (Quick edit: he was sent to prison for it several times) Most of the family showed up just to make sure he was really dead dead. Only one person cried at the funeral and she got looks cast at her that clearly implied she was insane. No one wanted to talk for his eulogy and half of us were trying not to laugh at the minister's usual speal about being a "child of god". I'm glad you turned out far better than your father.
We were also never left alone with one of our grandfathers. I think we only visited because of our Grandma because I don't remember seeing him ever again. I didn't know why then but I'm very grateful now that I do. It's chilling that people are like that and there's families out there that will cover it up and pretend it didn't happen.
I hear y’all. My mother is toxic AF but I’m the one who is called shameful for having boundaries. I’m still healthier without her - whatever shade is thrown at me. Be strong, beautiful people ❤
Remember , when people tell you to "be the bigger person" they're actually asking you to pretend it didn't happen so they don't have to confront the idea that they or someone else is abusive or toxic in your life If you're the one always being told to be bigger, you are. They're just narcissists
Yes. It's their way of excusing their complete neglect of that child (who was you) when they knew EXACTLY what was going on, but dud NOTHING to prevent it. Haha just noticed my typo there.... What a perfect typo! 😂
You have no idea how much I needed this. I’m an adult child who is currently looking for apartments and moving out as soon as possible and definitely going no contact once I do and deep down, I know it’s for the right reasons, but I can’t help but be made to feel guilty, so thank you, really. I’m crying right now. You have no idea how much this helps. My sister did it and we were all made to hate her, to the point she had I haven’t had a relationship in almost a decade. In between that time, the abuse from my parents got so bad that my brother died as a result. I won’t do the same, though I have contemplated suicide more times than I care to admit. I will follow in my sister’s footsteps. I will get out. I will be happy. I will stay alive long enough to do that for myself and for my brother, because he never had the chance.
Reading your story really hits home. I cut contact with my father 6 years ago and all of my brothers stopped speaking to me as a result. I never wanted them to feel like they had to pick a side but our father made them choose, and being minors at the time they naturally picked him. They're adults now and still don't speak to me. I miss them immensely. I hope that when you break free, you reach out to your sister. I'm sure she will be so happy to hear from you.
I hope it gets better.I know this is random but my motivation to live is to be able to cover Ben Sharpo's grave in pride flags and if it needs to be more subtle, rainbow flowers 😌 in all seriousness, you are worth it, and you deserve happiness
Thank you! I needed this. My dad just fired me and disowned me after I lost my child. And I couldn't come to work because I was bleeding so bad I lost my job and my dad is happy with that and he knows what he did!
I didn’t want to go no contact with my mom. I loved her so much. For years I tried to make things work, bending to her will and playing her game. But there’s always a breaking point. The pain eventually outweighed the love and I had to leave. Going no contact with a parent is never an easy decision.
So this. For 40 years I tried to make it work, in any way you mentioned and more, untill I gave up. It was always so stressfull and hurtful. How I wish I had a different relationship, loving and caring. I see her on birthdays, christmas and easter, and that's enough.
Cutting out toxic siblings did wonders for my mental health. Parents don't get it but respect it and don't press me on it. Lol they did the same to several aunts and uncles.
l just decided to go no contact with my brother after he told me im faking my DID and that my trauma "couldn't possibly be that bad". Told my mom about it today and she got pretty upset and said "thats sad". As if it was purely my fault I'm cutting contact. Its so tiring to be treated like I'm the problem when l try and set boundaries and stand up for myself. Just wanted to vent.
I just went non contact with my brother, and i know he told my parents and they all would have bad mouthed my husband (he is making me). Yet i have spoken to each parent this week and not a word as they have been using my brother to speak for them. (i am low contact with my parents but only because of my children)
Haha, I went low/ no contact with my sister a couple years ago. My grandfather is still waiting for us to "get over" our differences. I love him and generally he's a great guy but old fashioned in the way that he doesn't believe in mental health or therapy so his opinion (nor anyone elses) matter in that regard. Keep one doing what's best for you!
@@euryid8920 don’t know you but I am proud of you setting boundaries and doing what is right for you own well being. Parents like their adult kids to get along but sometimes siblings change, or feel entitled to expressing their hurtful opinions, or even like to start drama. It’s ok to set boundaries and when that doesn’t work then it’s time to take alternate steps to create distance, how ever that looks.
I didn't get to know my half siblings until I was 13 (they were 10, 9 and 6 at that time). Me and the then 10 year old grew closest, we shared similar interests. I went through a traumatic time thanks to my "father" and when I finally stood up for myself and turned him in, all them turned on me, including my sister I was closest with. It hurt and sometimes still does. But I'd rather have no contact than to be around those horrible people ever again.
I'm so glad that you broke free of that cycle. I'm sorry you experienced that. I'm also deeply impressed by- and grateful for- the kind, honest, and outspoken man you've become. It's all the more amazing because you did it independently; you chose your own path. 🥰
Remember y'all: When people say you're ruining the family, they don't actually care about the family. Because you were family but they did nothing to protect you. "You're ruining the family." is just them telling you that they don't care about YOUR lived experiences, that they're angry at you because your actions expose THEIR bad behaviour.
You arent ruining the family, you're ruining the illusion of a happy family they want everyone else to see and you dont owe it to them to keep that fantasy book bullshit up
Most of the time, they don't even believe you when you tell them about the bad experiences. Then when they do believe you, they say it doesn't matter because some random kid in Africa or North Korea has it worse
My brother yelled at me for moving out at 19, because "who's gonna help mom?" My favorite was "(step)dad hasn't hit you or anything since we moved to the new house" like all the times he gave me a bloody nose, kicked me, and spit on me from ages 3 to 14 were just water under the bridge and all the times he locked me out of my room so I couldn't even change clothes or get my back pack didn't count.
It's that you're "Ruining the image of a good, stable, healthy, family in the eyes of outsiders." Narcissists care about how they are perceived by everyone else, so by you not showing up to the Funeral, it gave the impression that something is wrong with the family, thus you get blamed for ruining that image in the eyes of others. They don't care about your pain, because it doesn't matter.
Shook me so hard I nearly fell out my chair! SHOUTOUT TO THE TRUTH TELLERS - you’re the ones who were courageous enough to do what everyone else wouldn’t and they hate you for it, not because they hate YOU but everything you represent that convicts their spirit
My favorite thing my therapist told me when I was sad about cutting my father out was, "People say you only have one family, well you only have one appendix, but when that fu(ker is trying to kill you you cut that b@stard out of your life" Really helped me with not only cutting out my father but my brother also.
I pray that you pray for them. Our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realm...Eph 6:12 We, who get to know and acknowledge and receive the abundant love and abundant mercy of our Creator who loves each of his creation equally, strive to die to ourselves and become the hands, feet, mouth, and heart of Him who gives us life. Your pain is known by Him. He is the great healer. And the norm is that the hurting are the ones he uses to bring the offenders into Truth. I pray your family makes amends to you and pays your forgiveness for them (God will do the judging better than we ever could!) forward. Hope to see you in Paradise when the earth is made anew and there will be no more tears! Evil WILL be separated from Good for eternity, as He promised. Read the Word. He'll talk to you!
Lmao one of my dad's friends said to me as a joke "haha you don't know what your daddy's like when he's mad, you're so spoiled" AND I WISH I HAD HAD THE GUTS TO TELL HER "NO, ///YOU/// DONT KNOW WHAT HES LIKE WHEN HES MAD" ffs I still regret that, but I guess he would have just laughed and pretended to be all sweet and then get pissed at me later so you know, maybe it was a blessing in disguise
Yes!! Exactly. My aunt is like this; she manipulates and charms the hell out of people when she’s around them.. it’s just since covid that the outside world is starting to see it too.. she has no filter anymore so everyone deals with her abuse now.
That is too hilarious. I finally went no contact with my egg donor. My older sister finally killed herself with alcohol poisoning and my younger brother with meth. I almost killed myself. My egg donor is still alive! I couldn't tell you how many times I have heard people say, "Isn't your mother just the sweeeeeeeeeeeeeetest person in the world?"🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
My son broke off all contact with his alcoholic, abusive father at the age of 26. (And yes, we tried for years to get the court to listen to us but they wouldn't believe what we were telling them).Every one in our family supported him. His dad was a toxic monster. No contact for 5 years but my son still feared his dad might show up suddenly one day. Then late one night we got a visit from the police telling us his dad died; my son has been 100% happier ever since then. Not one person blames him.
I know someone who was forced to go visit... a few yrs a go, the father got himself busted having child p. On a customer's pc... the courts force them to visit as kids and her youngest siblings refuse to have anything to do with him. Yes he made noise about it, the kid was then 26, but good old papa insisted the mother was lying and keeping him from him. Yes he tried to make out the kid was under 18, making loads of noise. He then tried to get pop rights to friend kids. Wanted access to her oldest child so he could convince the kid, then 12, to join him in his ways. The creepy thing out of it was, he acted like he was the father of the child, not the grandparent
After beating me up almost every day of my life, my family threw me out at 16, telling me to never come back before slamming the door in my face. No money, no belongings and not a single family member who would speak to me. I'm 51 years old now and I have zero regrets about never speaking to them again, although they tried. It took a long hard time to straighten out my life but I'm happy now and I can't even imagine still being wrapped up in the family bs.
My mother & aunt were shipped off to live on a farm to work for room & board. Their parents got divorced because their mother got pregnant by another man. She had 5 more kids with him. My mom & aunt had 2 more siblings. One married at 14 & one boy who went to work on the railroad with their father when he was 12. Their dad couldn't care for my mom, 8-yrs-old & aunt, 5-yrs-old. They were terribly abused by farm hands, etc. The oldest married aunt found out where they were located when they were allowed to call home once & go home for Christmas one year. The oldest aunt kept the youngest & took my mom to their mother's to live with 5 kids in one bed. The alcoholic step-father drank all their money. Sometimes all the children would split a can of plums! He tried to molest my mother & when she told her mother & confronted him, he kicked my mom in the back, & threw her down the steps, & told her to never come back! She was 14-years-old! She had no clothes other than what she was wearing. She walked across town to the oldest aunt's house. She made my mother get a job as a waitress, serving sandwiches & beer. The aunt made her move out. She lived in one of those communal apartments that had a bathroom down the hall. Men always tried to get into the bathroom when she was bathing. She had no money as all of her check went to rent. Sometimes she would fill her stomach up with water or the cucumber she bought. The oldest never came & got her for Thanksgiving or Christmas. She sat alone, no TV or radio. It was a horrible existence. The oldest aunt had so much money, sometimes the husband wouldn't cash his checks for weeks at a time. They had new cars, new furniture, etc. My mom had to borrow shoes from her to go to the doctor. It still hurts my heart that she could treat my mom so horribly! She never even brought her food! How could you treat someone you supposedly love like that? Years later when my grandmother died, one of the half-sisters said to my mom(after discussing some of the bad things that my mom went thru) had the nerve to say, After MY mom let you come live with us! Like, excuse me? She still didn't get that grandma was my mother's mom before she was her's. Sorry, this is so long. My mom & aunt turned out to be very loving, & kind mothers. They married abusive husbands but that's another story. My mom's 2nd husband, our step-dad, was in the USAF & gave us a great life! They're 89-yrs-old & are still married! My mother still loved the mean sister because she was her sister and all she knew. They were closer after my mom married my step-dad but I don't think I could've gotten past it.
@@ellegodoi6833 I kept saying, the oldest aunt. I meant the oldest sister, MY aunt. Their brother wouldn't even talk about his mom for abandoning them. He was a good man, a Korean vet, and would do anything for his two younger sisters. He made me laugh! He came to visit us with his girlfriend, who wore false lashes, a wig & lots of makeup. He said at night he didn't know whether to get in bed with her or the suitcase! 😁 Anyway, thank you, so glad you found happiness. Never look back! Happy Holidays!
That’s so cruel! I cannot believe what you were forced to go through at such a young age. They do not deserve a child like you, and you owe them absolutely nothing.
They love to blame the weak or the victims, you can see this pattern playing out in rape victims. They always blame the women for being the victim. And in this case it's the kids that got abused.
Completely understandable why people would go no contact. The fact that people will always stand up for and defend abusers is absolutely insane to me even though I should not be at all surprised.
Yeah. It's crazy how many blame the victims for defending ourselves. The victims are expected to keep being abused just so everyone around them can pretend things are normal. It's time we made it the other way round - the abuser has to clean their shit up to be accepted.
@@fionaanderson5796 Absolutely! Accountability for the abusers, empowerment for survivors, and education for everyone else around. I hope you're healing well 💙💙💙 Sending hugs & solidarity to you
@@fionaanderson5796 in context it's kinda funny how if somebody well known is an abuser/assaulter the public walks the line on blaming the victim(s), but when it's average people it's typically their family that blames the victim(s).
U harmed the family by not trying to have a good relationship the last 10 years u had a dad. Ppl always lookin at shit from the wrong perspective 🤦🏽 This some grown baby entitled shit🤡
This whole thing is so heartbreaking to me. I grew up in a wonderful bubble with a mother who made it very clear that she loved me above all else. My dad died when I was 7, & she wanted to be sure to give me the love of 2 parents. (Impossible, but she sure tried!) I never had any physical or emotional abuse at all, & I now know just how blessed I was. Since the advent of social media, I've come to realize just how common toxic family relationships really are, & that's a damned shame. It wasn't until I married my late husband, many years ago, that I saw what growing up with toxic, abusive parents can do. My MIL is every rotten MIL stereotype all rolled into one. But the only one of her kids to get the physical abuse was my husband, her eldest son (out of 3 boys). She treated him like dirt as long as he could remember. She got pregnant at 16 to a total loser, & when that when bad, her child was blamed for wrecking her life. And she never stopped blaming him. She was from an extremely wealthy family, & later married a man who joined the family business, & became a very successful business owner himself. He adopted my husband, & they added 2 more boys to the family. From the outside, they had the world by the balls, & lived the American dream. I grew up down the street from them, & never knew of the turmoil in that house. My husband never did escape that witch's evil toxicity. Not even when he was on his deathbed. He tried cutting her off, but his heart longed for the kind of relationship that I had with my mom, so he'd keep in contact. Thankfully, my mom had plenty of room in her heart, & treated him like she did her own kids. She loved him very much, & he loved her. But he'd cry & ask "Why can't my own mom love me like your mom does?" I never had an answer. Now, my husband is gone way too soon, & his "mother" is still taking up valuable air from the rest of the planet. To say I'm bitter is the biggest understatement of the century. She's 77 now, & has been going through some serious medical stuff the last few years. What a shame. I hope she hangs on another 20 years. It would serve her right. Sorry for going on so long. Truthfully, what I've said here is just the tiniest tip of the iceberg, as far as her abusive behavior goes. I could write a book (or 2) about it all. Thank you to those who bothered to read this. And to all of you who have to distance yourselves from toxic & abusive family- I'm truly sorry for your suffering, & my thoughts & prayers for happier days in your future are heartfelt. Please take care of yourselves & stay in a safe space, whatever that means for you. Many blessings to you all. 🙂
The love, thoughtfulness, and compassion in your words just leapt from the phone screen, right into my heart. Thank you, you beautiful, astounding, kind, important person. Thank you. 💗💐
I find myself to be the child blamed for my mother's life not turning out how she wanted. She loves my older brothers. Right after I was born the Drs found she had ovarian cancer and a hysterotomy to address it. She has blamed me for it my whole life. Turns out Dr's say she probably already had it and it was only found because of the pregnancy. If she did not have me, it would have went unnoticed. My parents divorced shortly later... she blames having another child as the reason. Like me as a baby had any choice in the matter. There are little to no pictures of me as a child but she has lots of my brothers. I hear about it in little ways all the time. "don't have a girl, " Don't have a third child" etc etc. I have moved away now to have peace. You are right, families hate truth tellers! The truth is, she has never taken responsibility for her own life, including healing from disappointments.
@@aliasalibi6671 Your reply to my comment has touched me so deeply. I thank you for your kind words. You too, are an important, special person. I truly do wish the best for you, & others who struggle with family pain. It shouldn't be that way, but I know that many families have issues that can't be fixed. I just hope that the victims of abusive families can somehow find peace. All my best to you. 🙂💖
@@SoapyCricket I'm sorry for what you've had to endure. No parent should ever blame their child for what's wrong in their own life. Children don't control the adult's life, the adult is supposed to take responsibility for their problems themselves. I hope you can somehow get past it all & find peace. You deserve it. All the best to you. 🙂💞
@@Howiesgirl Thank you so much! Best Christmas present :-). You are a kind and caring person. I am so sorry for your loss, truly. I have longed for that from my own mother, so I understand what he meant. Know you are a bright light and we need people like you. Happy Holidays and much love to you!
The black sheep of the family, that uncle, or aunt, who stays away and doesn’t talk that much… Is generally the person who can see through all the bullshit and refuses to engage with it
True im the same way whats worst for me is i said i would go back to being a family if they were willing to apologize for all the bad but no one wanted to so now my only family is my friends
I just never felt close to my family other than my mom and when she passed away I had no need to see my 3 sisters or father anymore it's been 20 years I don't know if they're alive or dead
There is no such person in my family, all caught up in bs except me and my sister, who's studying psychology tho. She knows damn well, and I got diagnosed secretly after I could go to therapy alone.
"If there's one thing a family hates more than an abuser, it's a truth teller." This one hit HARD. I'm so thankful that more and more stuff like this us getting out there. Recovering from a narcissistic upbringing is a challenging, and deeply confusing, journey. Videos like this are such wonderful and helpful reminders that I'm not the one who's crazy. 💗
I rid myself of all the toxic in my life after YEARS of putting up and shutting up!Shame it took me to reach age 40 before I realised how bad certain family members were for my well being! Of course I’d be the horrible or nasty one if anyone asked them why!
My husband wanted nothing to do with either of his parents. His father died unceremoniously while we were on the way to another state for a job, and the family acted like we should turn around and come back. We have yet to even see the rest of the family since. And yet, it still tears my husband up, because he's so bitter about his whole childhood surrounding that man. So, I feel this, wholeheartedly.
The forgiveness is for your husband to heal, not exactly for his parents. Him not showing up to his funeral is his business, it's just to be bitter about is not good for his health.
Because its not easy to cut contact with your parent, everybody wants an supportive parent that they can love. But sometimes it just doesnt happen, doesnt mean it doesnt hurt to cut out family.
What people need to understand is this: if your parents abuse you, they forfeit the right to call themselves parents. Parents are supposed to provide love and safety so that their children can develop and thrive and live their best lives. Your husband doesn't owe them anything. People say forgive your parents so that you're not bitter. What they don't understand is that if you forgive them, they will just take that as permission to keep abusing. Sometimes you have to walk away so you can have your peace and preserve your emotional integrity. It is being the bigger person. I'm not saying hold on to your anger and be bitter. Because that's not healthy either. I hope he is able to heal, and he's very lucky to have an understanding partner like you. Good for him for setting boundaries.
It's taken 12 years of healing from my childhood to become a fully functioning adult without symptoms of cptsd and multiple health issues holding me back preventing me from living the life I want.. when you are that damaged from people who were meant to love you, it's hard to go back
My best friends has no family for this exact reason. Her father was a physically, mentally, sexually abused his family. She was adopted and her father got money from the state. Needless to say he didn't spend the money on her. He didn't sexually abuse his biological kids but since she wasn't family, it's okay (he would sexually assault her mother, she was handicapped and couldn't really escape from him). Her father told her that no one would take her in (she has a physical disability), if she told anyone. She didn't tell me until, after she moved out from her fathers and she was safe.
This is my story, too. My mother passed last year and i have been vilified for years for finally standing up for myself. So when she passed and I was not speaking to her, I was the one in the wrong. I am so tired of being told to "just let it go" and I need to respect her/them. Where is my respect? My entire family knew she never loved me and NO ONE ever did a damn thing about her obvious favoritism towards my sisters. So when she passed I cut the majority of my family off. I have been much more at peace, but it is hard still.
When I went no contact with my parents and stopped putting in the effort to have a relationship, nobody ever tried to call me or reach out, it was a hard pill to swallow. I made the decision to not go and see my father when his time was short and I didn’t go to his funeral and to this day I have no regrets. My heart goes out to everyone who never had parents they could lean on.
@@Big_slick671it’s not that we don’t care it’s that we love our estranged children but respect their decision plus we raised them to be independent and make decisions they believe are best for them. It is also peaceful and saves our sanity by not walking on eggshells. I love my kids and am here for them all equally if they need me they can call. I will not cop their abuse, violent outbursts nor the toxic drama anymore. It is the people around who intimately know the circumstances that are more angry than I am. I am not one that cares for funerals so I told my family not to tell my estranged daughter and I don’t want a funeral. I will be dead what will I care.
It's funny how we put more expectations and responsibilities on the children in these circumstances than the people who were supposed to be the mature adults.
It's a power/hierarchy thing. I'm from a religious family. Still am, but here's one thing that bug me. Despite the fact that the Bible says you respect leaders, parents and elders and that you shouldn't treat you get people and children badly, the former get heavily focused on. People love to use scripture to earn respect, because otherwise, you can only get respect by being a respectful, kind and decent human being. And sadly, alot of people aren't
I hate that it's considered a trauma dump. I wish we could normalize talking about this stuff, because from what I see online, there are a lot of us out here with the same struggle.
Yep, one of my uncles accused me of trying to shove my grandpa into a nursing home to get money because I said he shouldn't be unsupervised ever. Why? Because he kept trying to leave to "go home". Whenever he was done with whatever was going on he would just walk out the door of wherever he was to "go home". Even if he was already at home or in another country. I was just worried about him. Also how would him being in a nursing home give me money? They're EXPENSIVE!!
From a therapist: a toxic family tends to rally around the most toxic member. They don't hate an abuser at all. They really hate and punish truth tellers who don't allow them to be comfortable in their toxicity
I agree with this comment. I'm not doing toxic anything and I refuse to allow my toxic son who unfortunately is on some hard drugs treat me like crap. And in my opinion, when people use hard drugs and turns them into something totally different and they try to take discipline situations that ultimately save their lives and try to redirect their behavior, and yet the adult child goes around telling horrific storytelling events just to take or divert their lack of responsibility for themselves I gave my child tough love and he went around to family and friends being a narcissist. Today I'm at peace as I will be tomorrow.
My mom could have very easily continued the family trauma, but instead she decided to give us the life she wished she had, and the caring and non judgemental mother she wanted to have. Everyday I'm thankful that I have such great parents
These are my personal heroes, people who actively stop whatever bad behavioural patterns that run down in their families. It may seem like that they are only protecting their own children, but it's also all the people around and next generations.
The fear I had deep within me was that I would mirror my own mother. I have no children of my own. But I now work with children and young adults, and I try hard to be the kind, compassionate, observant, and listening adult. I try and often succeed in creating trust and empathy along with respect in my working relationships. I'm told I'm maternal, I laugh because I have broken the pattern that was used on me.
Preachhhhhhh!!!! Cutting toxic people from your life, family members or friends is a sign of emotional maturity and self respect. No one asked to be born in a family with abusive and toxic parents.
Most people care about their public image more than their actual families well being. It's disgusting.
Elaborate.
@@mechanirawhat do they need to elaborate??😂 im sure I can elaborate it for you.
@@ezbred8145 I'm just confused which side they're on
@@mechaniraThey are talking about how family members would rather silence victims and hide the wrong doing of their abusive or even rapist family members to keep the family from looking bad
@@mechaniraFor real? I'll tell you that in many cultures, having an outwardly successful, shiny public image is something that must be protected at all costs. If the reality is one of abuse, neglect and rampant narcissism, and a child "outs" his/her parents as being crappy parents, the fury of the family will fall on them - because now everyone knows they're actually shitty people instead of the paragons of virtue and hood parenting they want to portray themselves as.
"The one thing a family hates more than an abuser, is a TRUTH-TELLER."
PREACH.
This was deep!!!
I agree 💯 percent
Agree completely.
Biggest understatement!
And that's why they hate me...
"But she's your mom"
"I was her CHILD"
thats a perfect trauma sence in a movie ima write it down
💯💯💯💯💯
On the flip side because enablers are some of the worst:
"He's my son, I can't kick him out."
"SO YOU'LL LET YOUR DAUGHTER SUFFER??"
A parent can have multiple children but you can only have one mother and one father. They can afford to discard you if you are ungrateful but you can afford to deny your roots. When we trim the leaves of a plant, they regrow but when we cut off the roots, it dies.
@marvelousoui4393 I glad you seem to have a great relationship with both patents/guardians. I get where you are coming from with your opinion, but why minimize a person's worth to owing their parent or not losing touch with your roots/you can be replaced? That is an apathetic view on traumatic experiences and the ability to enforce the concept 'no, never again'. I have no contact with my father, but my sister is working on having a relationship with him. I can see him as a person with scars of his own or flaws, doesn't mean I should force myself to forgive trauma and fear he gave me during my most vulnerable years of life. Adult children who do this are not being rash, holding grudges, or missing out on a relationship. They are deciding to live the fullest life possible without trying to put in constant effort to please their abusers. I worked to have a relationship with my dad but realized, at 18, that he would continue to hurt me and my sister. I would continuously be harmed. Also, don't ever have more than one child with the expectation of discarding or expecting them to care for you if you raise them. How you treat your kids will determine the relationship later in life.
I feel this guy’s pain in his voice. Some parents are just bad.
Awful
Can also be the inverse of that.
@@toffeenut1336any “bad” child learned that behavior from someone.
@@toffeenut1336 that has to be the parent’s raising of the child then because until they’re a certain age, they literally are dependent on the parents, they are powerless.
@@toffeenut1336why does someone always have to make this point. It's not about that. It's about victims of terrible parents. If it doesn't apply it's not for you.
*"Want to be respected in death, earn that shit while you're alive"*
-F.D. Signifier
Agreed
Exactly
Right on!
Damn that goes hard
Love FD channel
These people expect you to be “the bigger man” and show up to your dad’s funeral. But they weren’t the bigger man to address your dad’s toxicity.
I am being the bigger person by not allowing myself to be engaged by behaviour that isn't acceptable, and pivoting my energy towards constructive loving endeavours.
@@ssboschky When you don't engage with unacceptable behavior you are passively letting it continue to exist.
I understand that this is very difficult to deal with terrible behavior and I think it isn't our job to fix everyone. What we do need is not turn a blind eye to bad behavior. We can't just say "yeah this is bad, but I'm not gonna do anything about it because it's a waste of time".
If we can't convince the person doing the terrible thing, we can at least convince others that they shouldn't be like this.
@@htpkey yeah, like say something. just don't accknowledge their stupidity. but don't stay quiet. your words are the most important. you are NOT as small as they want you to be. as they try to make you believe. you are much much louder and wiser. as long as we can handle it and it doesn't cost us our mental health, baby steps, absolutely. that's a hard one. need the right tools hah Not easy but not impossible! ☺️🤗
@@aurora_boketto7746 Agree!
It's strange how people expect you to be the bigger person when, beforehand, they treated you like you were so small that you were practically invisible to them
People are good at blaming the victim. Tell it man. 👍
I victim blame those who victim blame. They are shocked when you use their words against them. It puts them into the position of a victim being blamed because they feel like they are the victim in that situation.
Many thanks. We are vilified by speaking out.
people are good at being the victim too
Yep i hate that Bs 😊
Boy you cant preach enough
I understand. My father was emotionally and physically abusive, so I wrote him off. I did not go to the funeral. Everyone told me I’d regret it. It’s been just over 16 years. Still DON’T regret it.
You are free of it and thankfully was able to think for yourself and not take on everyone else’s shame or beliefs.
Yup haven't talked to my abusive father for 10 years. My mom is using the excuse I'll regret it. Her dad was horrible to her and walked out of her life at 3 years old. So she told us at 18 she traveled from NY to NC to a retirement home she went to him just to cuss him out. He didn't recognize her or even knew who she was because he has over 20 kids. She wasted money for nothing and the dude still ain't gave a f*** and died peacefully. My father is still alive and I still won't talk to him.
This reminds me of my parents telling me over and over how I would understand when I had children of my own. Yup! I sure understand everything now, just not in the way they thought I would. Having a child has given me a CATASTROPHIC amount of context.
@dognextdoor what do you understand now?
Man... It's so sad to hear that. It hurts me just thinking about it.
But I can understand, in a way I'm lucky to have a loving family, so I can imagine that's not the case for everyone. After all, we didn't decide to be born.
But I can't help thinking that if parents are like this, there must be a reason ? Were they brought up that way ? Are they desperate, ill or completely lost ? Sometimes, even as adults, it's complicated to deal with emotions, and even as parents they're still human.
But if course that shouldn't excuse their behavior...
Stay clear of toxic people, blood or no blood. Be free and healthy.
lol
The blood of the Covenant is thicker than the water of the womb
@@jwill5892 I hope you mean the covenant with GOD because of the blood of JESUS. ❤❤❤
Exactly!!
Thank you @@jwill5892
Someone else said this recently: Toxic families are ones that cater to the least emotionally intelligent person.
I felt it. You're not alone
Oh. That is so accurate. That is such an insightful and clearcut way to summarize so much painful chaos. Thank you for sharing.
F****ck, that puts it so succinctly.
That's so we'll said. Thank you for sharing this.
There's so many of us that have lived thru this. I wish more ppl understand they are NOT alone. That single fact, that I was not alone, helped me feel so much better. I hope it helps someone else.
I believe as an heyoka empath.
That is just pure poetry
They shame you as an adult when they should've supported you as a child.
His absence is a big reminder of their own shame for ignoring, enabling and burying the abuse
So seems are you are bad, keep blaming parent but not doing better yourself.
This. It's sad but also absolutely hilarious, like taking care of the minimum needs of your child and that gives a parent the right to treat you like shit.
@user-wq9mw2xz3j just cuz you squirt out a child doesn't mean you have the right to mistreat them. Victim blaming is not cool, dude.
@@Jixsurez just because your parent didnt say they you love 100 times a day and give you everything you want doesn't mean you don't have any obligation to them either
This dude is spot-on. Tell your truth, ditch abusive family members AND their flying monkeys, and don't look back.
I wish I could thumbs this up 99 more times.
I like this one very much : Flying monkeys
If your only excuse is “I am your parent” to keep contact with someone, you do not deserve to keep contact with them
tell that to the court systems.
@@ericolens3 the court does not force you to keep in contact with parents, u good? U mad cuz you treated someone terribly and they hate you for it?
@@ericolens3Found the MRA.
@@ericolens3Courts don't force adults to keep contact with their parents.
Those are the people that think that having kids is the bare minimum.
Family’s always be like: Why can’t you just take abuse so that way we don’t have to stand up to the abuser because that’s inconvenient for us?? So selfish! 🙄🙄
The ol "you go deal with the abuse and cynicism so we can continue to pretend to look like a happy family"
@@thebae9589 there are so many families that love people's perception of them and their family far more than they'll ever actually love said family.
@@fawnieee You said it 👏👏👏
I stopped talking to my dad for seven months. Nonstop did I hear family members say you should fix your relationship, you should check up on him as if what he did to me was insignificant and that I shouldn't be hurt by the things he said and did to me. I eventually started talking to my dad again and started rebuilding a relationship. But one thing that really pissed me off is when I mentioned that he sends me money twice a month (*I'm a college student and he rather me not work), and my aunt literally said "aren't you glad that you started talking to your dad again, since he's sending you money." I think that seven months of not talking really helped us, but that comment really disgusted me , as if I'm supposed to have someone in my life who really hurt me stay in it because they are helping to pay for stuff. That's like saying to someone "you should stay in a abusive relationship even though they abuse you at least they take care of you"
It’s so true! My step dad is bipolar and unmedicated and always has been. Been physically and emotionally abusive to me and I would stand up for myself and all my mom would do is say “you’re both acting like children”. Difference is I was a child and he was a grown man that knows better. I haven’t talked to him in nearly two years and the whole time my mom would push to me talking to him whenever I see him at family events. There’s a reason I refuse to talk to him and that’s an apology I’m never going to get. He put his hands on me and my ex saw it so he beat the shit out of him. And when it blew over he apologized to my ex who beat the shit out of him but not me who he beat the shit of. It just shows he doesn’t respect me and I can’t stand how my mom and other family members can say I’m being childish for refusing to talk to him but I have told everyone. All I want is an apology and then I’ll consider making small talk. He knows it everyone knows it and after 2 years still nothing.
Sometimes it's nice to be reminded that you're not the only one having you're kind of problems. Thank you, this couldn't have come at a more appropriate time for me.
Me too! 😁see my comment.....
🙏
Me too.
Same here
Yes!!
The Truth Teller and Scapegoat have survival skills! We’re built different and if you survived a narc parental relationship, BRAVO!
Love yourself, always remember it was never your fault, live well and flourish.
@@nicotinekitty1275 ❤️❤️❤️ thank you from me and I’m sure many others. Your understanding and kindness is very nice to read here.
I usually use the
“Do you take out your anger on your dog?”
And when they say “No.”
I always say “Exactly.”
Exactly, would you do that to your Dog or Cat, no, so if you wouldn't do that to a fur Baby then why the fuck do it to a Child!😒
My abusive father took his anger on our dog too (slammed his head on the floor, kicked him in the ribs and he flew halfway across the apartment...) sooo what if they answer yes? T-T
Well i do think my family would hate him after hearing that he hit the dog, but why is hitting his wife and daughter not enough...?
My dad hit and kicked my dogs when mad at them. Now the first one is scared of random objects and jumps at noise. 😁
I was the autistic kid, unfortunately. You can imagine how my relationship with my father is.
wtf you even trying to prove with this …
@@jasminevictoria4652 It's pointing out the hypocrisy of physical punishment toward human children vs toward dogs and other pets.
"There's only one thing families hate more than an abuser, and that's a truth teller." Damn, that hit hard!
I know I am not popular in certain family circles myself. Too bad for them, because it could have been so different. But I am not going to gaslight myself over it anymore. 😢
💯 I’m the truth teller in my family and my family look at me like I’m the problem for it. 🤷🏻♀️
Yeah, as an adult, I now see how weird it was for the adults in my family to say "lying is wrong", but it only applied to _them._ There was an entire script of lies for school and the outside world in general, and if you "tell them our business", you'd get in trouble.
It's 100% accurate too. I'm the truth teller in my family. After years of abuse and trying to get help for myself and my siblings (which never came to fruition because apparently I was a liar! ) And it's amazing how little they listened to children even when showing up to school with proof, being covered in bruises 30+ years ago. I left home at 16 and I'm now almost 45 and don't talk to any of them except one sister. I myself won't be showing up for any of their funerals. There is a special place in hell for my mother and step father.
THISSSSSSS
"The one thing a family hates more than an abuser, is a truth teller" truest words you have ever said, sir.
With this statement my confusion lifted and I understand what it is I'm going through.
Its like that in politics too
When they say “ family comes first“ the response should always be “ Cain and Abel were family and we know how that ended “
I read about the dysfunctional families in the Bible and it has helped me through not feeling guilty of going no contact with my dad. It’s ok not to be close to certain family members.
😂
And Cain was made accountable...
@@katierucker2870Soon as I get out of my grandma's house, I'm going no contact with either my aunt or my siblings. Especially the soul sucking, gaslighting, emotionally and verbally abusive harpy I have for a sister, Fuck 'em!
Honor your mother and your father
“If there’s anything a family hates more than an abuser, it’s a truth teller.” Family dynamics in a nutshell.
Yeah, that one hit hard.
I liked and subscribed immediately felt it so hard and mans spitting facts
Owwww it hurts with so much truth
Yep!
Sounds like you dont know what a family is kiddo.
Truth tellers become scapegoats, punished incessantly for being brave. Good for you for taking your power back.
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
And we also have PEACE! When family members are upset by truth telling, I feel compassion for them; because it comes from a place of fear. My actions are shaking their reality and it's scary. I get it. It's not going to change MY life, but I get it; and they're allowed to cope in whatever way they choose.
"Truth tellers" often use that as an excuse to be assholes
Amen. Amen.
A hit dog will Hollar. If the truth hurts you create a better one for yourself. @josephang9927
As a person who is in a no contact relationship with my father, I'm sorry. I know how it feels.
Ummm my father has disappeared
@@ezoxide ok. I'm sorry that happened to you.
@@ezoxide lmao, same. Found him when I got invited to his funeral where someone had the audacity to say he wanted to see me 🤣 like he could've had he put in even a drop of effort lol.
If you find him, remember you owe him nothing, nor do you deserve to be mistreated just cos you share some dna :)
Mine is in prison and has almost always been scum. I won't miss him when he's gone for good. No relationship with him and IDC if him and my stepmom cut me out of his will (IDK if they did but I don't want anything associated with him or them.)
Let's gather here. I see you, internet friend. We'll get through this. "Metoo
Most abusers and enablers want a scapegoat…it makes them look better.
@@bakerwannabe4435 thats why my parents had me .
@@LanguageExpert-hg8do I’m sorry that they were like that. That’s sad 😔
Wow. 🤯
ThankYou.
Scapegoat here. Before, I was the lost child.
"if theres one thing a family hates more than an abuser, its a truth-teller" is one of the hardest truths I've ever had to accept. Even my siblings who agree with me and also understand the extent of my mom's abuse (especially to me as the only daughter) hate the fact that I won't just accept it and humor her
Have you read Jeannette McCurdays new autobiography? Really might be relatable. She writes about the relationship with her narcissistic mother as the only daughter
@@Raddiebaddie Yes, it's incredible ❤️ I was so happy she was able to write about her experience because it started such an important conversation. She has done so much for victims of parental narcissistic abuse
Your probably the problem. Just thought you should know. Normal people dont go on the internet and talk badly about family even if their in the right. Im assuming the guy in the video he is the problem too. I dont care if people cut of bad family members. But people who will trash on anyone in front of strangers for likes and attention. In my experience they are the real shitty people. Just putting that out there do with it as you please.
@@captaintony1227 i actually didnt do any of the things you mentioned here but i'm sorry if you are easily triggered, upset or confused. i recommend just not engaging with content that makes you feel this way because it seems like a waste of valuable energy and it's causing you to make assumptions or "fill in the blanks" about strangers.
i tend to find that people who seek out content they don't agree with and reply to comments with unrelated rants and judgments are generally unstable and easily offended. you could probably benefit from grounding exercises and doing a mental inventory on why you make those assumptions. it seems as though you are just projecting but who am I to say!
Literally this, my siblings directly experienced the abuse and my older brother still thinks I should talk to her again. She abused him too, being a mother means nothing if you treat your kids the way she did us, as far as I’m concerned she was an egg donor and an incubator
When family members side with the abuser, they are just as toxic. Self care is freedom.
👍🏽Absolutely 👍🏽
And they get cut off as well.
Enabling my abuser sends a clear message that you don't care about me.
My dad's side is full of narcissists (including him), only one positive note is they noticed one of their siblings is toxic. However, they still can't look at themselves, and see they are also the problem to everyone else outside of the family, and inside
@@ms.pirate I have also noticed how narcissism can be pervasive in varying degrees and spread among close relatives.
I'm preparing to go NC with a narcissistic parent. I'm gonna block a lot of people.
My mom has 6 adult kids with no contact. She completely splintered our immediate family with her abuse, yet when extended family get together, they are amazed that the kids don't attend (if we know my mom will be there.)
It was one of the hardest decisions to cut her off, and I still have a hard time explaining it. This video was empowering. Thank you.
You owe nobody an explanation, Miranda. The fact that you found the decision difficult shows that you didn't make it lightly. This was no whim.
Also, five other adults, in the same situation, chose to do the same thing. FIVE!! That's doesn't make you an anomaly, it makes your mother's behaviour a pattern. As an outsider looking in, there is one common denominator here that is the OBVIOUS issue - your mother. If 6 adults all have taken issue with the behaviour of their mother, then the people in your extended family need to open their eyes and spot that insanely obvious common denominator! I mean that's less of a red flag, and more like a full-blown major alarm system going off.
It's not up to you to teach other adults basic logic. Quite frankly, if her behaviour was so bad that it upset so many children, those in the extended should be *apologising* for not stepping in, and *thanking* you for succeeding where they failed and protecting your mental health. If they can't see that, then they're an extension of her abuse and you're better off giving them a very wide berth. It sounds like your siblings understand if they've chosen the same path.
I wish you happiness and healing. You deserve it 💕
It astounds me that people could look at the situation and place blame on the child, I always know the parent must be absolutely terrible if their own kids won’t talk to them
dude you got this.
your time is never worth spending it traumatized.
@@georgina-a"it's not up to you to teach adults basic logic"
idk why but that is the most validating thing I've ever read. thank you.
I like to make jokes about my mom.
Like: "I'd call her but reception is really bad 6 feet under ground"
People sometimes apologize or express sympathy, which is hilarious because if they knew how she treated people she had power over, they wouldn't.
As the parent of adult children, I am 100% clear that it is my responsibility to nurture a close and loving relationship with my children. Respect their boundaries, support their decisions, respect their partner, not give unsolicited advice, and love their spouse and children as my own. I have great relationships with my kids. I've taken responsibility for the mistakes I made and apologized for the times I hurt them. They understand that I'm human. It's actually quite easy to forgive someone mistakes if they take responsibility for them. Parents always know why their kids go no contact. You can't blame them for not wanting to continue a toxic dynamic.
"But you should act like an adult!" Why do I have to, but no one else does? Sometimes anger keeps me up at night. Thank you for the video. I feel more understood now.
Adults don't engage with people who hurt them. So their words are right but they don't understand them. Protecting yourself and leaving behind people who weaken and hurt you, that is how an adult acts.
@@anjafrohlich1170 thank you. I needed to hear that.
A good, rational adult will leave behind something or someone that's hurting them, and move on.
@@ianluk6385 yes. Easier said than done when they're supposed to be "family". I'll send you a mesage for Christmas because at some point I'm gonna have to see you in person- but don't start being chatty cause I couldn't care less. 🙄
I'd say "why don't YOU act like an adult and respect my boundaries?"
Truth teller life is lonely af. Out here breaking generational curses
Lonely AF but enough is enough ❤️
Amen. Overcomer.
It is lonely. But idgaf about sugarcoating the truth and I will call out anyone in my family, including my mother and my stepdad, for unwarranted behavior or lying. And they know it too.
Yes! Moved across the country to get away from the abuse! Breaking curses over here as well! Proud of you for doing it!
Lonely but you are at peace and freedom is liberating ❤
So true. Your family will forgive you for murder but they will NEVER forgive you for telling the truth about what shitty, selfish parents they were
True
It's tough. I'm a weird ass that would go to the funeral and mourn the person I wish they were with the jealousy I had of other parents that were good. I would hope to hear a true story of them that was good and wish I knew them as that. A story of their childhood or something about them before I knew them. Even meeting someone else at the funeral who is as hurt as myself.
What’s wrong with murder ?
Does know where I can find the original video??? Tiktok is banned in my country so is there like a youtube link??
@@rdavila26 you remove someone from a family and it’d be worse if the parents are old and they had no siblings
Enablers: You only get one mother
Me: UNFORTUNATELY
And I did not pick this one
“If there’s one thing a family hates more than an abuser is a truth teller” truer words have never been spoken!
💯
The abuser and the dysfunctional family wants you to shut up and play your role within the dysfunction. How dare you step out of the role they assigned you. What makes you think you can act on your own values and interests? 😄
It was this portion of the statement that really hit me.
That is such a powerful statement... ❤️❤️❤️
Yes! Me and my cousin are the truth tellers in our family. No one loves it in Camp Let’s Mourn the Abuser, yet it sure feels great to not have to pretend we didn’t go through that and it really just frees up space (cuz it lets us know who is worthy of our time) for our various chosen families to fill our lives❤
As the one person with no filter in my family, yes..
We’re doing way better and I’m quite sure some credit goes to me just sorta, getting fed up at some point and just letting it all out.
Our parents are not bad people, and my evidence is that they did listen in the end,, so yeah at least there’s my story on it!
"There's one thing a family hates more than an abuser and that's a truth teller " literal goosebumps.... he just explained my last 10 years... 🤯
Yep.😢sorry this happens to do many kids.
And it's generational bc people damaged hurt the next generation.
So painful
And if the abuser is funny, charasmatic, provides money, ect.... they like the abuser BETTER.
100%!!!
I always get tired of the oh “but they’re your family” excuse as if sharing the same blood just immediately erases all of the trauma and emotional damage that they have inflicted on you. Respect is mutual, it shouldn’t be given to a person who doesn’t know how to respect others at all.
Respect is not always mutual. Respect is based upon witness of effort to maintain credibility through integrity. I often wonder about people that want to be respected. I wonder if they feed the poor, visit those in prison. Show love and acceptance of others' thoughts and expression even if they distinctly disagree in their viewpoints. I remind many that you can't build a civilization when everyone has to change their speech and actions to accommodate those subscribe to extreme bias. The argument very often lies with when someone in their life is trying desperately to point them in what they feel is the best direction. You just don't want to hear it.
@@EagleZoo Well I understand what you mean but I’m talking about if you probably respected someone in the past but they continuously disrespected you, then they get surprised when you want nothing to do with them anymore.
@@EagleZoo And tbh, if you push someone so close to the edge like that and abuse and neglect them sm, even if they are a kind person, you can’t possibly expect them to uphold that same kindness towards you anymore.
@@EagleZoo Oh and I also forgot to mention. You don’t have to always do community things to be kind/respectful, and visiting people in prison..it depends on what they did mostly. Like if a loved one did something like murder many innocent people or raped many people etc, I would be devastated to even be related to them.
Coming from a broken family where we all secretly hate each other and drwad passive aggressive family events, it truly is better to just not get involved. Sadly, sometimes it's better for everybody to just go about your separate lives and be happy. Sadly, sometimes blood doesn't mean shit.
I remember a rough time in my relationship with my mother, my dad was telling me to try to forgive her and to be the bigger person and I told him "why do I need to be the adult in this? She is the parent".
It is not easy to go throught that kind of trauma and stand your ground. You are so strong.
Yeah that's called gaslighting you into taking more abuse and pretending it's not abuse
Am sadly more surprise that your dad didn't take custody to you when you were younger and moved away from your mother or something.
But again, I am sorry what happened to you.
People be forgetting that “being an adult” and “being the bigger person” involves cutting ties with toxic people and calling out toxic bs
@@AfianySnow29802-GS sadly ppl don't always see toxic behaviour, either because they don't recognise it or because the abuser is very good at abusing the victim behind everyone's bank and making the victim out to be crazy so noone believes them if they speak out.
I had the opposite happen. My elder brother was horrifically abusive throughout my childhood and teenage years. My mother, this beautiful and compassionate pillar in my life, used to just hold me in her arms as he screamed and yelled about all sorts of things. He hit her, pushed her, tormented her, and used protective services as a tool to strip my mother of her voice and any freedom to punish him. Social workers saw her as the villain and left us in hell... Yet, my mother was always blamed for destroying the family, and for speaking out. Her friends told her to abandon/kick out my brother but the family shamed her for even arguing with him.
Yet, that beautiful woman put me in therapy because she saw how much I was suffering. Although because he was so young there’s now this weird expectation that we have to wipe it all under the rug, that those were difficult teenage years.
No contact with him was the best thing I did in my life. It was euphoria and safety. My therapist could focus on helping me heal instead of how to protect myself emotionally. I struggled to speak about my experiences but my silence was more powerful than any words I could have used.
"My therapist could focus on helping me heal instead of how to protect myself emotionally."
Wow. That hit deep.
@@Tericlay RIGHT. I was going to come here and comment on that. Wow.
Older brothers are supposed to protect you, shield you when your parents can't, tell you about things you need to know when your parents don't want to, be your backup and be the one person you can go to if no else wants to listen or you can't tell. I wouldn't even call yours a brother anymore, just a man that your mother gave birth to when he didn't deserve to be even associated with her.
I have an older sister who also feels she "entitled" , but not here. she'll have to rely on all those people she's been lying to for year.
I'm so sorry for you and your mother. I'm glad at least you seem to understand she wanted to love you (and probably felt terrible her own offspring could be the way your brother was). I can't imagine that struggle of needing to kick out a child due to that but also feeling guilty of letting him out into the world like that.
"If there's one thing a family hates more than an abuser, it's a truth teller" That one fact destroyed my entire life from childhood.
Parental alienation is also Loud . When you choose to keep their mothers secrets because you're more concerned about the children's mental health . Make sure you actually Know your Truth .
Yep
Same here.
"the only thing people hate more than an abuser is a truth-teller!" That hits home so hard! Denial is a powerful sedative...
The hardest part of going no contact with my mother wasn't actually going no contact with her; it was the unsupportive relatives who knew how she was and STILL insisted on trying to trick me into meeting her and "mending things". Much like her, no one cared how I felt. I don't talk to them now, either.
Uhh I know those. A lot of people seem to not understand that relationships mending actually requires the sides involved to acknowledge the problems, accept their faults and work to fix those.
"The one thing a family hates more than an abuser is a truth-teller."
MAN THAT HITS HARD. Nobody likes when you tell the truth. That's why I'm estranged from most of my family. I tell the truth about what happened to me, and they hate how it portrays our family. IMO, they're so offended about how it portrays the family, they should reflect on themselves and why the truth shows them in such a negative light. It's not my fault that they can't handle what they see when they hear the truth.
My mom’s family essentially aided a middle aged man in grooming my (then underage) sister. My mom literally has a relationship with these freaks 😅 guess we know which side she is on
You are so correct! My dad‘s fourth wife said it right out loud, “you are making this family looks so bad!“ All because I didn’t want to go visit out of state where they live because they fight and they are alcoholics and it was just repulsive to be around them. I severed all ties years ago, and I wish I had done it sooner, but they have that fear factor that keeps you trapped in their web of disgusting lies.
@lunaluv some people do appreciate hearing the truth no matter how painful. True, they'd rather avoid the pain but in the end, they like that someone loved them enough to tell the real truth
I went no contact 11 years ago. Best decision I have ever made. Last year after a decade of trying to make it work with my little sister, I also had to go no contact with her. Honestly there is no doubt in my mind that I'm the bad guy in their story, but at least they're not part of mine anymore. Who needs blood ties when they only strangle you ?
"Honestly there is no doubt in my mind that I'm the bad guy in their story, but at least they're not part of mine anymore."
I needed to read this exact thing because my toxic family's perception of me and how they would talk about me to others in our family has been a big reason for me holding off on going NC when I really need to, and this is what I needed to read tonight. Thank you.
"Who needs blood ties when they only strangle you" is such a metal sentence and im gonna use that in the future for sure!
The amount of toxicity family members have can be damaging to the person on the long run, mentally, physically and emotionally.
Cutting people off is a good way to ensure your safety and well-being.
Everyone loves to put you in the bad guy box without knowing the whole story at times. But eventually you get to be at peace with it
Best description ever!! Thank you!
No child makes the Decision to go no contact with their parent lightly. If they do 99% of the time that parent is messed up and deserves the alienation
The term is estranged parents...& yes the overwhelming majority absolutely had it coming for a LONG time.Parental alienation is when an underage child is kept away from the other parent usually after the parents break-up, a lot of narcs do this 💩 to their kids so they'll hate the other parent😮💨.Great post,just 💭 I'd clear the terms up since a lot of folks get parental alienation & estranged parents mixed up.Some of these estranged parent buttholes are purposely trying to muddy the waters by mixing these terms up in their whiny videos🤢.
Exactly
Exactly. Just common sense.
Exactly 💯
Exactly
No child, adult or otherwise, owes respect to parents who spent the child's whole childhood mistreating or neglecting them.
Life is too short to spend it with people who are cruel to you!
😔 I'm sorry to hear your dad was not a good person. But I'm glad you reclaimed those 10 years, instead of getting dragged back into that chaos and toxic situation!
I always hate the "they're family you have to love them" crap. My parents are wonderful, but my dad's parents are absolute trash, and I refuse to respect them. I didn't even know people had more than one pair of grandparents until I was like 15 because they never reached out to us. Though, maybe it was best not growing up knowing such emotionally abusive people
it's a very similar thing with me. My grandfather was physically and mentally abusing my father but my father acted like nothing was wrong because he goes by "honor thy mother and father" so I thought that I had to love my grandfather. Until my mother's mom(who is also big on "honor thy mother and father") told me *"that man brought harm onto your family, you should treat him with respect, but you do not have to love him."*
Same
I never met my mum's dad, we didn't show up to his funeral, and she refused her share of his inheritance. It doesn't shock me, considering he was so abusive that my mother and her brother proclaimed they would kill him while they were four and six respectively, prompting my grandmother to take her two children and move back to her home country on the other side of the world. No child support, nothing, not even supported by her own family because how dare she leave her husband (thanks 60s-70s misogyny).
I don't even know what he looks like. But, my mother doesn't look like my grandmother's side of the family. And I am a clone of my mother. It's kind of unsettling to think about, so I don't.
Ironically, while from broken homes, both my parents are incredible people.
If blood is what's holding your family together, that just says that you'd sooner be rid of each other if you weren't.
That's not love.
Edit for celerity: "you" in the general sense of the hypothetical reader, not "you" in the specific sense of anyone here, of course, in case that wasn't clear.
At this point I'd just like to throw in here that the actual saying goes "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb."
Take from that what you will.
Thank You!!!!!! No contact with an abusive parent or even sibling is often the ONLY way to protect the family you do have!!!
It's been 22 years for me now, the day I turned my back was the day I slowly started to learn that life can be good and that I have value.
Good for you loce yourself more everyday
😊💜👍
You have value.
Awwww, yes, you have value...
@Marcy630 If it was supportive, great.
If it wasn't then it means it came from someone who can't understand because they haven't had to live through what I did, which is also great.
That you were kind enough to stop and wonder is the best of all. Thank you, I appreciate you.
My mother brutalized me until i grew big enough to fight back and boy i destroyed her face! I got the "im your mother, how could you?" And i was her child, she didnt think about that, she didnt have a heart for me when at just fourteen i tried to escape her abuse by suic*de. And she demanded i have a heart for her? 😂 I dont have to respect u JUST BECAUSE ur my mother, i dont owe u that, respect ur children if u want their respect u dont get to demand it, and parents remember, even ur children have a boiling point, and they will not be a defenseless child forever...
Glad you got away. Yeah... these parents have NO EMPATHY. And so they deserve no sympathy. :( My mother is 78 and she's only getting worse with age..... No contact is survival. She has refused a POA, kept driving even after she flunked her vision exam to renew her driver's license. Aging narcs are like hand grenades, and when they pull their own pin, the only thing their adult children can do is RUN! The last ten months, the only times she tries to hoover me is to try to get more money out of me. Doesn't care about my kids at all, just like she didn't care about me. My mother-in-law is my role model for parenting now, NOT my mother.
"But she's you're mother..." Exactly...which means she shouldn't have done what she did to me....f**k that....family members can be toxic too
I absolutely despise how people use their parental relationship against you as if you owe them something. Excuse me, but i did not choose to be born.
You only owe things to people who you choose to do things for. For example, you owe it to your married partner to do chores around the house because you chose to be with them, therefore you have an obligation to make the relatiomship as smooth as possible.
But being born without choice and using, "I raised you, i gave you life, i fed you, i bought things." Is literally just a form of manipulation and abuse. I learned this very quickly when my parents threatened to take away or destroy things they bought for me. What dod i do? I went out and bought my own stuff and keep all my receipts, so they cant threaten to destroy my property because if you do, ill smash up their stupid valuable vehicles they care so much about. I will play fair with you, you want to break something of mine, i get to break something of yours. I have no remorse for people like that. Just like if you punch me, better be prepared to receive a punch in return. You want to manipulate me? Honey, i will gaslight and manipulate you until youre a balling mess and i will not feel anything for it. My parents behavior towards me has taught me how tobe absolutely cold hearted to people who treat me like anything that is not right. I have a big heart, but i am not easily taken advantage of anymore. I can live on my own and fend for myself. I have independence, and that scares people. The fact that i cant be manipulated and abused and gaslit to be dependent on someone else's control scares people away from me, and thats what i want. I dont want you in my life if you cant accept my independence. I will play as a team as long as you work things out with me too. If not, you will not hear the end of me bringing up our issues. Ive met too many people who have said i am the problem and i need to change, okay, i will make adjustments when you make adjustments. Ive been to therapy, i know how to be accountable and self-aware and make immedoate changes. 7+ years of therapy on-and-off. I know myself better than anyone. I can keep my word, but if you dont hold your end of the bargain, then i dont either. You either play fair with me, or you can eat shit. Lol. Because i will literally serve you a cracker on a plate while i eat a full meal to show you how unfair you treat me. Im vindictive. So dont be a part of my life if you dont want to be treated like this. I will 100% throw your unfairness in your face every moment you are a part of my life until you change as well or leave. I cannot stand people who think they know better than you and shame you just because of their age, gender, race, or relationship status. You are a human to me and i will not raise you higher than i raise myself. You will alwaya be on the same level as me because i am not playing into power struggles.
@@Jake38nineWow this was powerful. Im trying to get to a similar place as you. I still have the problem of being too scared to hurt their feelings even though they hurt mine with no remorse. I still have too much empathy when people dont have empathy for me. Being this way just gets me taken advantage of and no one learns their lesson. Im trying to learn how to care about myself more and put myself first and give back the same treatment they give to me because how else will they learn? I hate when people say be the bigger person becasue being the bigger person is just putting up with mistreatment and it just continues.
@amandaolson6682 I still empathize and I still am understanding of my enemies. You have to be empathetic and understanding of your enemies to get beneath their skin. You have to know their triggers. But it is stressful. You have to have a strong mind and will and safe place. I do not recommend acting this way when you have no escape. You have no idea what people will do top. But if you're safe, then go off.
That's why independence is a good trait to learn and have. You have to learn how to take care of yourself and your surroundings before you expect someone else to take care of theirs. Most people have a hard time being alone with themselves. You have to learn how to be alone. You have to learn how to think for yourself. You have to learn how to disagree and question things. That's how you become strong-willed.
The whole "be the bigger person" thing is just a manipulative tactic to keep you stifled. I ignore most hollow advice and get angry at it because you can just hear how fake and disingenuous it is. I'm looking for depth and authenticity within people. Telling someone to be the bigger person or forgive or "be yourself" is the same shallow bs as small talking about the weather everyday with everyone you meet. I don't want to talk about the weather on a surface level, I want to talk about the science and causation of weather AKA Depth. I can't stand shallowness.
Nailed it. That's why I left home at 15 and never went back. It was me or her and I chose me.
@@Jake38nineexactly. I'm there with my mom rn. It's mind boggling, but I'll be okay. All stay strong
So true. Everyone wants everything swept under the rug. Dying doesn’t make someone not an asshole.
I can understand respecting the dead to an extent. If they were a piece of shit when they had a pulse, them being in the ground doesn't automatically undue all they did. If they weren't respectful and just a downright horrible human being in life, than its only justified they be remembered that way
👏🏽
@@TheUndeadOhioan1999 yeah they made their own choice of how to treat others, and in that they cannot expect to be missed nor mourned over. They made their bed.
@@sandras2624 unfortunately the sad truth is that theres a 99% chance that at least one person is going to be sad they're gone, and even defend them. Without going too into detail, a HUGE chunk of my family are toxic and have royally fucked me up, honestly looking forward to when they're dead and won't lose an ounce of sleep saying the truth. Some may say you must eventually forgive somebody who wronged you, and how its the "morally right" thing to do. Anybody who says that is either blind, ignorant, is one of the lucky ones to not experience stuff that leads to life long trauma, or all of the above
Wwll said.
The best thing I did was walk away from a narcissistic mother. She made my childhood, teenage years and early 20's hell.
Wow sorry to here that
My life is just getting worst
I am in my early 20s and almost mid 20s in 1 more year And still getting abused
Same
Same here
Going through this right now and it's rough. I'm 37 years old and am done with people pleasing and will prioritise my mental health instead.
Same here❤
Praying for your mental health and healing journey.
I'm 34 and have went no contact with my mom, it's been a year, I want to learn to stop people pleasing and prioritize my mental health though because I still haven't been able to do that yet
People should know this by now. Every child deserves parents, but not every parent deserves a child.
Ooh this is a fact. Love it
The truth has power! My best friend didn't grieve at all when her mother and father died. She thought something was wrong with her. That is until she went to a seminar on family abuse and child truth teller. She said she felt free for the first time in her life.😊
Your friend probably had already grieved the loss of her parents before they died. She grieved the ones she never had. So there was nothing left to grieve for.
@@moonhunter9993 damn. That's deep. 💯💔
@moonhunter9993 😢
Yeah... this resonates..
She had already grieved long before an actual death, trust me
I’ve been estranged from my family for the last 15 years and it’s been the hardest but most rewarding thing I’ve ever had to do.
I needed to hear this. Thank you.
Im just starting this journey that's for commenting I needed to hear this as well and God bless
@@alexandriacontreras4428 OMG I can relate to your situation so I know the feeling.
I agree
Yeah it's a tough situation. My father hates fat people, I'm really really fat. He hates minorities, my wife is Hispanic, he criticizes black guys for not staying with their kids, but I barely knew him growing up, and it's not an accurate stereotype. He's a really spiteful guy. I feel sorry for him but I don't talk to him anymore. I've got too many things to be thankful for and at 51 years old, I just don't have room in my life to focus on negative stuff. It was a hard decision but like you, I'm happy I made it.
I feel the same way. We have to actively keep our minds happy and healthy.
it was surprisingly cathartic realizing almost everyone in my 'family' were just a bunch of narcissistic children with chips on their shoulders.
go no contact, stay no contact, keep your heads up kings
My family was only fortunate in that we had a large number of people who knew how bad my grandfather was. Our parents made sure the granddaughters were Never alone with the man. His own daughters and wife knew what he would and had done to them.
(Quick edit: he was sent to prison for it several times)
Most of the family showed up just to make sure he was really dead dead. Only one person cried at the funeral and she got looks cast at her that clearly implied she was insane. No one wanted to talk for his eulogy and half of us were trying not to laugh at the minister's usual speal about being a "child of god".
I'm glad you turned out far better than your father.
We were also never left alone with one of our grandfathers. I think we only visited because of our Grandma because I don't remember seeing him ever again. I didn't know why then but I'm very grateful now that I do. It's chilling that people are like that and there's families out there that will cover it up and pretend it didn't happen.
Did someone steel spike the heart, you know just in case, Romanian style.
@@Iansco1 If he was buried alive I think the lack of oxygen would finish him off.
Wow, getting laughed at by your family at your own funeral. His life was garbage. I can’t imagine living such a pathetic, disgusting life
Gracious of y’all to have a funeral at all. He deserved a cardboard box and an incinerator.
I hear y’all. My mother is toxic AF but I’m the one who is called shameful for having boundaries. I’m still healthier without her - whatever shade is thrown at me. Be strong, beautiful people ❤
"You should be the bigger person and go back into the environment that caused your CPTSD" is what they're actually saying
What's CPTSD if you don't mind me asking?
Is it Childhood Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?
@@con_el_maestro3544 Complex post traumatic stress disorder.
@@peepslostsheep Thank you
Let them kick rocks 🪨
I finally at the age of 30 decided to go no contact with my mother. And it’s hard, it really is but I finally have a peace of mind.
"That is a very loud truth." Dang, that blew my mind. It nailed, what I was not able to put into one single sentence for years.
Remember , when people tell you to "be the bigger person" they're actually asking you to pretend it didn't happen so they don't have to confront the idea that they or someone else is abusive or toxic in your life
If you're the one always being told to be bigger, you are. They're just narcissists
!!!
especially that they didn't protect you as children/looked the other way. If they see you accept/forgive them, they can forgive themselves.
Yes. It's their way of excusing their complete neglect of that child (who was you) when they knew EXACTLY what was going on, but dud NOTHING to prevent it.
Haha just noticed my typo there....
What a perfect typo! 😂
BINGO!
Finally validation feels good
You have no idea how much I needed this. I’m an adult child who is currently looking for apartments and moving out as soon as possible and definitely going no contact once I do and deep down, I know it’s for the right reasons, but I can’t help but be made to feel guilty, so thank you, really. I’m crying right now. You have no idea how much this helps. My sister did it and we were all made to hate her, to the point she had I haven’t had a relationship in almost a decade. In between that time, the abuse from my parents got so bad that my brother died as a result. I won’t do the same, though I have contemplated suicide more times than I care to admit. I will follow in my sister’s footsteps. I will get out. I will be happy. I will stay alive long enough to do that for myself and for my brother, because he never had the chance.
Reading your story really hits home. I cut contact with my father 6 years ago and all of my brothers stopped speaking to me as a result. I never wanted them to feel like they had to pick a side but our father made them choose, and being minors at the time they naturally picked him. They're adults now and still don't speak to me. I miss them immensely. I hope that when you break free, you reach out to your sister. I'm sure she will be so happy to hear from you.
Hello,
Go to Sam Vaknin narcissism revisited.
Thank me later ❤
I hope it gets better.I know this is random but my motivation to live is to be able to cover Ben Sharpo's grave in pride flags and if it needs to be more subtle, rainbow flowers 😌 in all seriousness, you are worth it, and you deserve happiness
I pray you and your sister restore your relationship.
I wish you all the best in the world, you can do this!
Thank you! I needed this. My dad just fired me and disowned me after I lost my child. And I couldn't come to work because I was bleeding so bad I lost my job and my dad is happy with that and he knows what he did!
Reminds me of the quote "all children deserve a parent, but not all parents deserve children"
Yeah, all children deserve a parent, but that parent doesn't have to be related to them. 👀
@@RJW14Nobody said they do. Though, yes, it should be "not all biological parents deserve their biological children"
This.
Never heard that before, but it's very fitting!
@@lidge1994 fully.
I didn’t want to go no contact with my mom. I loved her so much. For years I tried to make things work, bending to her will and playing her game. But there’s always a breaking point. The pain eventually outweighed the love and I had to leave. Going no contact with a parent is never an easy decision.
This is the truth 😢i really needed to hear this. You have said it as it is, exactly my situation.
So this. For 40 years I tried to make it work, in any way you mentioned and more, untill I gave up. It was always so stressfull and hurtful. How I wish I had a different relationship, loving and caring.
I see her on birthdays, christmas and easter, and that's enough.
Was easy for me
Sometimes wonder if I should have split. But my "family" would have condemned me
@@hey_itsashley.j I’m sorry you had to go no contact too, it’s not easy. I hope you’re doing well.
Cutting out toxic siblings did wonders for my mental health. Parents don't get it but respect it and don't press me on it. Lol they did the same to several aunts and uncles.
l just decided to go no contact with my brother after he told me im faking my DID and that my trauma "couldn't possibly be that bad". Told my mom about it today and she got pretty upset and said "thats sad". As if it was purely my fault I'm cutting contact. Its so tiring to be treated like I'm the problem when l try and set boundaries and stand up for myself. Just wanted to vent.
I just went non contact with my brother, and i know he told my parents and they all would have bad mouthed my husband (he is making me). Yet i have spoken to each parent this week and not a word as they have been using my brother to speak for them. (i am low contact with my parents but only because of my children)
Haha, I went low/ no contact with my sister a couple years ago. My grandfather is still waiting for us to "get over" our differences. I love him and generally he's a great guy but old fashioned in the way that he doesn't believe in mental health or therapy so his opinion (nor anyone elses) matter in that regard.
Keep one doing what's best for you!
@@euryid8920 don’t know you but I am proud of you setting boundaries and doing what is right for you own well being. Parents like their adult kids to get along but sometimes siblings change, or feel entitled to expressing their hurtful opinions, or even like to start drama. It’s ok to set boundaries and when that doesn’t work then it’s time to take alternate steps to create distance, how ever that looks.
I didn't get to know my half siblings until I was 13 (they were 10, 9 and 6 at that time). Me and the then 10 year old grew closest, we shared similar interests. I went through a traumatic time thanks to my "father" and when I finally stood up for myself and turned him in, all them turned on me, including my sister I was closest with. It hurt and sometimes still does. But I'd rather have no contact than to be around those horrible people ever again.
I'm so glad that you broke free of that cycle. I'm sorry you experienced that. I'm also deeply impressed by- and grateful for- the kind, honest, and outspoken man you've become. It's all the more amazing because you did it independently; you chose your own path. 🥰
Remember y'all: When people say you're ruining the family, they don't actually care about the family. Because you were family but they did nothing to protect you.
"You're ruining the family." is just them telling you that they don't care about YOUR lived experiences, that they're angry at you because your actions expose THEIR bad behaviour.
You arent ruining the family, you're ruining the illusion of a happy family they want everyone else to see and you dont owe it to them to keep that fantasy book bullshit up
Facts 📠📠
Most of the time, they don't even believe you when you tell them about the bad experiences. Then when they do believe you, they say it doesn't matter because some random kid in Africa or North Korea has it worse
My brother yelled at me for moving out at 19, because "who's gonna help mom?" My favorite was "(step)dad hasn't hit you or anything since we moved to the new house" like all the times he gave me a bloody nose, kicked me, and spit on me from ages 3 to 14 were just water under the bridge and all the times he locked me out of my room so I couldn't even change clothes or get my back pack didn't count.
It's that you're "Ruining the image of a good, stable, healthy, family in the eyes of outsiders." Narcissists care about how they are perceived by everyone else, so by you not showing up to the Funeral, it gave the impression that something is wrong with the family, thus you get blamed for ruining that image in the eyes of others. They don't care about your pain, because it doesn't matter.
yes. i went no contact with my narcissitic mother and she took me to court to try and force her presence into my life. i'm not even joking.
How ? Is such a thing too do? And what you ask to the court to do ?
What
That is the craziest (albeit, most believable) thing I've ever heard!
Is such a thing possible?
Grandparents have sued, and won, rights to see their grandkids in the US.
As long as you don't have kids I don't see any legal ground.
That line , That one like
" There's one thing a family hate more....... Is a TRUTH TELLER"💜
amen
ABSOLUTELY
💯
Shook me so hard I nearly fell out my chair! SHOUTOUT TO THE TRUTH TELLERS - you’re the ones who were courageous enough to do what everyone else wouldn’t and they hate you for it, not because they hate YOU but everything you represent that convicts their spirit
Yuppppppp
Blood makes you related. Family is safety, being seen, heard and appreciated.
I got you Bud!
My favorite thing my therapist told me when I was sad about cutting my father out was, "People say you only have one family, well you only have one appendix, but when that fu(ker is trying to kill you you cut that b@stard out of your life" Really helped me with not only cutting out my father but my brother also.
That therapist is a badass. They spoke with their heart
I pray that you pray for them. Our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realm...Eph 6:12
We, who get to know and acknowledge and receive the abundant love and abundant mercy of our Creator who loves each of his creation equally, strive to die to ourselves and become the hands, feet, mouth, and heart of Him who gives us life. Your pain is known by Him. He is the great healer. And the norm is that the hurting are the ones he uses to bring the offenders into Truth. I pray your family makes amends to you and pays your forgiveness for them (God will do the judging better than we ever could!) forward. Hope to see you in Paradise when the earth is made anew and there will be no more tears! Evil WILL be separated from Good for eternity, as He promised. Read the Word. He'll talk to you!
@@1GINAMARIE you guys don't miss an opportunity to preach,do you? Disgusting!
@@1GINAMARIE keep your religion to yourself. Freedom of religion includes freedom from religion.
That's beautiful 👌
And they never believe you because that person is always so damn charming when everyone's around but the second they're alone with you it's all over
The lightening rod catches it when there is no witness.
Lmao one of my dad's friends said to me as a joke "haha you don't know what your daddy's like when he's mad, you're so spoiled" AND I WISH I HAD HAD THE GUTS TO TELL HER "NO, ///YOU/// DONT KNOW WHAT HES LIKE WHEN HES MAD" ffs I still regret that, but I guess he would have just laughed and pretended to be all sweet and then get pissed at me later so you know, maybe it was a blessing in disguise
He's not even actually that charming... He's actually just an asshole, people just choose to see him as "funny" instead
Yes!! Exactly. My aunt is like this; she manipulates and charms the hell out of people when she’s around them.. it’s just since covid that the outside world is starting to see it too.. she has no filter anymore so everyone deals with her abuse now.
Oh look, other people experience it too 😁
At my mothers funeral so many people told me what a wonderful person she was, so kind and helpful. I thought they had gone to the wrong funeral.
That is too hilarious. I finally went no contact with my egg donor. My older sister finally killed herself with alcohol poisoning and my younger brother with meth. I almost killed myself. My egg donor is still alive!
I couldn't tell you how many times I have heard people say, "Isn't your mother just the sweeeeeeeeeeeeeetest person in the world?"🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Lol damn 😂
You did well, many people says that family is not chosen, but actually you can do it. If someone from your family is harming you, leave.
"All children deserve parents but not all parents deserve children" This quote is not exclusive to people under the age of 18
Agreed!
Yes. YES.
Yes bro just bc they gave birth to us doesn't mean we have to work for them all our lives,
If you make my life hell under your "parental guidance" I'd much rather have never been born at all. You are not worthy of my respect
My son broke off all contact with his alcoholic, abusive father at the age of 26. (And yes, we tried for years to get the court to listen to us but they wouldn't believe what we were telling them).Every one in our family supported him. His dad was a toxic monster. No contact for 5 years but my son still feared his dad might show up suddenly one day. Then late one night we got a visit from the police telling us his dad died; my son has been 100% happier ever since then. Not one person blames him.
I had a sense of relief.
I love my mom more than ever now.
We had not talked for a few years before her death. That's why.
I know someone who was forced to go visit... a few yrs a go, the father got himself busted having child p. On a customer's pc... the courts force them to visit as kids and her youngest siblings refuse to have anything to do with him. Yes he made noise about it, the kid was then 26, but good old papa insisted the mother was lying and keeping him from him. Yes he tried to make out the kid was under 18, making loads of noise. He then tried to get pop rights to friend kids. Wanted access to her oldest child so he could convince the kid, then 12, to join him in his ways. The creepy thing out of it was, he acted like he was the father of the child, not the grandparent
After beating me up almost every day of my life, my family threw me out at 16, telling me to never come back before slamming the door in my face. No money, no belongings and not a single family member who would speak to me. I'm 51 years old now and I have zero regrets about never speaking to them again, although they tried. It took a long hard time to straighten out my life but I'm happy now and I can't even imagine still being wrapped up in the family bs.
My mother & aunt were shipped off to live on a farm to work for room & board. Their parents got divorced because their mother got pregnant by another man. She had 5 more kids with him. My mom & aunt had 2 more siblings. One married at 14 & one boy who went to work on the railroad with their father when he was 12. Their dad couldn't care for my mom, 8-yrs-old & aunt, 5-yrs-old. They were terribly abused by farm hands, etc. The oldest married aunt found out where they were located when they were allowed to call home once & go home for Christmas one year. The oldest aunt kept the youngest & took my mom to their mother's to live with 5 kids in one bed. The alcoholic step-father drank all their money. Sometimes all the children would split a can of plums! He tried to molest my mother & when she told her mother & confronted him, he kicked my mom in the back, & threw her down the steps, & told her to never come back! She was 14-years-old! She had no clothes other than what she was wearing. She walked across town to the oldest aunt's house. She made my mother get a job as a waitress, serving sandwiches & beer. The aunt made her move out. She lived in one of those communal apartments that had a bathroom down the hall. Men always tried to get into the bathroom when she was bathing. She had no money as all of her check went to rent. Sometimes she would fill her stomach up with water or the cucumber she bought. The oldest never came & got her for Thanksgiving or Christmas. She sat alone, no TV or radio. It was a horrible existence. The oldest aunt had so much money, sometimes the husband wouldn't cash his checks for weeks at a time. They had new cars, new furniture, etc. My mom had to borrow shoes from her to go to the doctor. It still hurts my heart that she could treat my mom so horribly! She never even brought her food! How could you treat someone you supposedly love like that? Years later when my grandmother died, one of the half-sisters said to my mom(after discussing some of the bad things that my mom went thru) had the nerve to say, After MY mom let you come live with us! Like, excuse me? She still didn't get that grandma was my mother's mom before she was her's. Sorry, this is so long. My mom & aunt turned out to be very loving, & kind mothers. They married abusive husbands but that's another story. My mom's 2nd husband, our step-dad, was in the USAF & gave us a great life! They're 89-yrs-old & are still married! My mother still loved the mean sister because she was her sister and all she knew. They were closer after my mom married my step-dad but I don't think I could've gotten past it.
@@pamelajohnson7813 Thank you for sharing ❤ bless your mom and family.
@@ellegodoi6833 I kept saying, the oldest aunt. I meant the oldest sister, MY aunt. Their brother wouldn't even talk about his mom for abandoning them. He was a good man, a Korean vet, and would do anything for his two younger sisters. He made me laugh! He came to visit us with his girlfriend, who wore false lashes, a wig & lots of makeup. He said at night he didn't know whether to get in bed with her or the suitcase! 😁 Anyway, thank you, so glad you found happiness. Never look back! Happy Holidays!
I'm happy that your doing well
That’s so cruel! I cannot believe what you were forced to go through at such a young age. They do not deserve a child like you, and you owe them absolutely nothing.
I can't understand people who side with an abusive parent. Anyone who harms a child without apologizing is a monster and deserves no pity.
Very strange how bullies are more protected in our society than the victims.
Until I learned to forgive I was staying a victim. I have my faults too so I learned I wanted to be forgiven. So I had to learn how to forgive.
They love to blame the weak or the victims, you can see this pattern playing out in rape victims. They always blame the women for being the victim. And in this case it's the kids that got abused.
It's because people are fragile, and will protect their crappy little egos and perceptions of reality over doing what's right, most of the time.
Just like in school
We even have criminal Justice, not victim’s Justice.
Completely understandable why people would go no contact. The fact that people will always stand up for and defend abusers is absolutely insane to me even though I should not be at all surprised.
Yeah. It's crazy how many blame the victims for defending ourselves.
The victims are expected to keep being abused just so everyone around them can pretend things are normal. It's time we made it the other way round - the abuser has to clean their shit up to be accepted.
@@fionaanderson5796 Absolutely! Accountability for the abusers, empowerment for survivors, and education for everyone else around. I hope you're healing well 💙💙💙 Sending hugs & solidarity to you
Unfortunately people who grow up with abuse tend to protect the abusers until they get help.
it makes me livid
@@fionaanderson5796 in context it's kinda funny how if somebody well known is an abuser/assaulter the public walks the line on blaming the victim(s), but when it's average people it's typically their family that blames the victim(s).
*"One thing adults hate more than abusers , is truth-tellers..."*. Wow that hit hard
That hit true
Felt that !!
U harmed the family by not trying to have a good relationship the last 10 years u had a dad. Ppl always lookin at shit from the wrong perspective 🤦🏽 This some grown baby entitled shit🤡
I hear you. I see you. I know exactly what you mean. I'm sick of being the one blamed for family dysfunction. It's not you. It's not me. It's THEM!
This whole thing is so heartbreaking to me. I grew up in a wonderful bubble with a mother who made it very clear that she loved me above all else. My dad died when I was 7, & she wanted to be sure to give me the love of 2 parents. (Impossible, but she sure tried!) I never had any physical or emotional abuse at all, & I now know just how blessed I was. Since the advent of social media, I've come to realize just how common toxic family relationships really are, & that's a damned shame. It wasn't until I married my late husband, many years ago, that I saw what growing up with toxic, abusive parents can do. My MIL is every rotten MIL stereotype all rolled into one. But the only one of her kids to get the physical abuse was my husband, her eldest son (out of 3 boys). She treated him like dirt as long as he could remember. She got pregnant at 16 to a total loser, & when that when bad, her child was blamed for wrecking her life. And she never stopped blaming him. She was from an extremely wealthy family, & later married a man who joined the family business, & became a very successful business owner himself. He adopted my husband, & they added 2 more boys to the family. From the outside, they had the world by the balls, & lived the American dream. I grew up down the street from them, & never knew of the turmoil in that house. My husband never did escape that witch's evil toxicity. Not even when he was on his deathbed. He tried cutting her off, but his heart longed for the kind of relationship that I had with my mom, so he'd keep in contact. Thankfully, my mom had plenty of room in her heart, & treated him like she did her own kids. She loved him very much, & he loved her. But he'd cry & ask "Why can't my own mom love me like your mom does?" I never had an answer. Now, my husband is gone way too soon, & his "mother" is still taking up valuable air from the rest of the planet. To say I'm bitter is the biggest understatement of the century. She's 77 now, & has been going through some serious medical stuff the last few years. What a shame. I hope she hangs on another 20 years. It would serve her right. Sorry for going on so long. Truthfully, what I've said here is just the tiniest tip of the iceberg, as far as her abusive behavior goes. I could write a book (or 2) about it all. Thank you to those who bothered to read this. And to all of you who have to distance yourselves from toxic & abusive family- I'm truly sorry for your suffering, & my thoughts & prayers for happier days in your future are heartfelt. Please take care of yourselves & stay in a safe space, whatever that means for you. Many blessings to you all. 🙂
The love, thoughtfulness, and compassion in your words just leapt from the phone screen, right into my heart. Thank you, you beautiful, astounding, kind, important person. Thank you. 💗💐
I find myself to be the child blamed for my mother's life not turning out how she wanted. She loves my older brothers. Right after I was born the Drs found she had ovarian cancer and a hysterotomy to address it. She has blamed me for it my whole life. Turns out Dr's say she probably already had it and it was only found because of the pregnancy. If she did not have me, it would have went unnoticed. My parents divorced shortly later... she blames having another child as the reason. Like me as a baby had any choice in the matter. There are little to no pictures of me as a child but she has lots of my brothers. I hear about it in little ways all the time. "don't have a girl, " Don't have a third child" etc etc. I have moved away now to have peace.
You are right, families hate truth tellers! The truth is, she has never taken responsibility for her own life, including healing from disappointments.
@@aliasalibi6671 Your reply to my comment has touched me so deeply. I thank you for your kind words. You too, are an important, special person. I truly do wish the best for you, & others who struggle with family pain. It shouldn't be that way, but I know that many families have issues that can't be fixed. I just hope that the victims of abusive families can somehow find peace. All my best to you. 🙂💖
@@SoapyCricket I'm sorry for what you've had to endure. No parent should ever blame their child for what's wrong in their own life. Children don't control the adult's life, the adult is supposed to take responsibility for their problems themselves. I hope you can somehow get past it all & find peace. You deserve it. All the best to you. 🙂💞
@@Howiesgirl Thank you so much! Best Christmas present :-). You are a kind and caring person. I am so sorry for your loss, truly. I have longed for that from my own mother, so I understand what he meant. Know you are a bright light and we need people like you. Happy Holidays and much love to you!
The black sheep of the family, that uncle, or aunt, who stays away and doesn’t talk that much… Is generally the person who can see through all the bullshit and refuses to engage with it
True im the same way whats worst for me is i said i would go back to being a family if they were willing to apologize for all the bad but no one wanted to so now my only family is my friends
Usually because all we can focus on is bullshit. I know because I have always been the black sheep. Tough pill to swallow
I just never felt close to my family other than my mom and when she passed away I had no need to see my 3 sisters or father anymore it's been 20 years I don't know if they're alive or dead
There is no such person in my family, all caught up in bs except me and my sister, who's studying psychology tho. She knows damn well, and I got diagnosed secretly after I could go to therapy alone.
That's my brother and I. Everyone else seems to blissfully unaware or worse.
"if there's one thing a family hates more than an abuser its a truth teller" I SCREAMED 😭😭😭😭
This made my day 😊😁😆
@@consolee.945 Hahaha 🤣 ty
So true.
Same so loud
Very brave and honest of you - I am sorry that your childhood was difficult but you have an immense amount of integrity and honesty.
"If there's one thing a family hates more than an abuser, it's a truth teller." This one hit HARD. I'm so thankful that more and more stuff like this us getting out there. Recovering from a narcissistic upbringing is a challenging, and deeply confusing, journey. Videos like this are such wonderful and helpful reminders that I'm not the one who's crazy. 💗
So grateful for this video. Is nice to know survivors are not alone.
Hopefully this isn't a case of one toxicity using another as justification
Some of us cant recover. Sometimes that parent reaches out from the grave to pull a last FU. One that hits you so dammed hard it anhilates!
💯💯💯💯
I rid myself of all the toxic in my life after YEARS of putting up and shutting up!Shame it took me to reach age 40 before I realised how bad certain family members were for my well being! Of course I’d be the horrible or nasty one if anyone asked them why!
My husband wanted nothing to do with either of his parents. His father died unceremoniously while we were on the way to another state for a job, and the family acted like we should turn around and come back. We have yet to even see the rest of the family since. And yet, it still tears my husband up, because he's so bitter about his whole childhood surrounding that man. So, I feel this, wholeheartedly.
The forgiveness is for your husband to heal, not exactly for his parents. Him not showing up to his funeral is his business, it's just to be bitter about is not good for his health.
Because its not easy to cut contact with your parent, everybody wants an supportive parent that they can love.
But sometimes it just doesnt happen, doesnt mean it doesnt hurt to cut out family.
What people need to understand is this: if your parents abuse you, they forfeit the right to call themselves parents. Parents are supposed to provide love and safety so that their children can develop and thrive and live their best lives. Your husband doesn't owe them anything. People say forgive your parents so that you're not bitter. What they don't understand is that if you forgive them, they will just take that as permission to keep abusing. Sometimes you have to walk away so you can have your peace and preserve your emotional integrity. It is being the bigger person. I'm not saying hold on to your anger and be bitter. Because that's not healthy either. I hope he is able to heal, and he's very lucky to have an understanding partner like you. Good for him for setting boundaries.
It's taken 12 years of healing from my childhood to become a fully functioning adult without symptoms of cptsd and multiple health issues holding me back preventing me from living the life I want.. when you are that damaged from people who were meant to love you, it's hard to go back
I feel for your husband because he still is so trapped.
"What a family hates more than a abuser is a truth teller" is 100% true.
💯
Thank you for saying this out loud. I needed to hear it.
My best friends has no family for this exact reason. Her father was a physically, mentally, sexually abused his family. She was adopted and her father got money from the state. Needless to say he didn't spend the money on her. He didn't sexually abuse his biological kids but since she wasn't family, it's okay (he would sexually assault her mother, she was handicapped and couldn't really escape from him). Her father told her that no one would take her in (she has a physical disability), if she told anyone. She didn't tell me until, after she moved out from her fathers and she was safe.
I got chills reading this because my goodness so true
This is my story, too. My mother passed last year and i have been vilified for years for finally standing up for myself. So when she passed and I was not speaking to her, I was the one in the wrong. I am so tired of being told to "just let it go" and I need to respect her/them. Where is my respect? My entire family knew she never loved me and NO ONE ever did a damn thing about her obvious favoritism towards my sisters. So when she passed I cut the majority of my family off. I have been much more at peace, but it is hard still.
When I went no contact with my parents and stopped putting in the effort to have a relationship, nobody ever tried to call me or reach out, it was a hard pill to swallow. I made the decision to not go and see my father when his time was short and I didn’t go to his funeral and to this day I have no regrets. My heart goes out to everyone who never had parents they could lean on.
@@Big_slick671it’s not that we don’t care it’s that we love our estranged children but respect their decision plus we raised them to be independent and make decisions they believe are best for them. It is also peaceful and saves our sanity by not walking on eggshells. I love my kids and am here for them all equally if they need me they can call. I will not cop their abuse, violent outbursts nor the toxic drama anymore. It is the people around who intimately know the circumstances that are more angry than I am. I am not one that cares for funerals so I told my family not to tell my estranged daughter and I don’t want a funeral. I will be dead what will I care.
@@sharonwadwell2425Your daughter is toxic and abusive so she cut you off... sure
"If there's one thing a family hates more than an abuser, it's a truth teller"
🎯💔
It's funny how we put more expectations and responsibilities on the children in these circumstances than the people who were supposed to be the mature adults.
Boomers were the leeches that destroyed the planet after all
The adults already proved that they cannot be counted on. So people put the burden on the child just to not have to struggle with the adults.
Exactly!!!
It's a power/hierarchy thing. I'm from a religious family. Still am, but here's one thing that bug me. Despite the fact that the Bible says you respect leaders, parents and elders and that you shouldn't treat you get people and children badly, the former get heavily focused on. People love to use scripture to earn respect, because otherwise, you can only get respect by being a respectful, kind and decent human being. And sadly, alot of people aren't
I hate that it's considered a trauma dump. I wish we could normalize talking about this stuff, because from what I see online, there are a lot of us out here with the same struggle.
The “black sheep” of the family is usually the one who is actually seeing things for how truly are.
And villified for having the audacity to point out the problems. “How dare you say it out loud!”
Yep, one of my uncles accused me of trying to shove my grandpa into a nursing home to get money because I said he shouldn't be unsupervised ever. Why? Because he kept trying to leave to "go home". Whenever he was done with whatever was going on he would just walk out the door of wherever he was to "go home". Even if he was already at home or in another country. I was just worried about him. Also how would him being in a nursing home give me money? They're EXPENSIVE!!
This’s comment is me to the T
wairt is black sheep an offensive phrase bc i heard it can be racist
No, it’s a psychological term used with toxic families
From a therapist: a toxic family tends to rally around the most toxic member. They don't hate an abuser at all. They really hate and punish truth tellers who don't allow them to be comfortable in their toxicity
The flying monkeys? (aka enablers) are just as bad
💯
❤
I agree with this comment. I'm not doing toxic anything and I refuse to allow my toxic son who unfortunately is on some hard drugs treat me like crap. And in my opinion, when people use hard drugs and turns them into something totally different and they try to take discipline situations that ultimately save their lives and try to redirect their behavior, and yet the adult child goes around telling horrific storytelling events just to take or divert their lack of responsibility for themselves I gave my child tough love and he went around to family and friends being a narcissist. Today I'm at peace as I will be tomorrow.
Yeah
My mom could have very easily continued the family trauma, but instead she decided to give us the life she wished she had, and the caring and non judgemental mother she wanted to have. Everyday I'm thankful that I have such great parents
Aw that is so sweet!
My parents improved on it, but only halfway. I still appreciate it. I'll forgive them when they finish the personal work to be healthy.
These are my personal heroes, people who actively stop whatever bad behavioural patterns that run down in their families. It may seem like that they are only protecting their own children, but it's also all the people around and next generations.
I hope to have kids who can say this one day!
The fear I had deep within me was that I would mirror my own mother.
I have no children of my own. But I now work with children and young adults, and I try hard to be the kind, compassionate, observant, and listening adult. I try and often succeed in creating trust and empathy along with respect in my working relationships. I'm told I'm maternal, I laugh because I have broken the pattern that was used on me.
Preachhhhhhh!!!! Cutting toxic people from your life, family members or friends is a sign of emotional maturity and self respect. No one asked to be born in a family with abusive and toxic parents.