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I bought the book. As old as I am I still recognized some of my childhood experiences here - being cold, hiding alone & secretive, definitely emotionally unsafe. I'm looking forward to maybe finding out how I can let all of this go.
I am a licensed MH provider specializing in trauma. This video was ON POINT! Thank you for doing the reading and sharing a concise version of the information so that everyone can digest it. Also, you did an amazing job discussing your history without oversharing, which people don't always realize could be triggering/retraumatizing for anyone watching. Your bravery is very inspiring!
This is a good point. I feel like I study on CZcams to figure out what is a triggering to people vs “just a funny story from my childhood” I think I’m telling jokes but I’m often trauma dumping without knowing.
It's triggering for myself overtalking about my trauma. Makes me very sad, very anxious and compulse. I have to control the impulse of not thinking about anything else and self pitting and avoid telling my history to people that only want me to feel worst. Watching her talk I think she feels the same...
Hey Makai - I think the OP meant retraumatizing for those who have NOT yet healed, processed and desensitized from their childhood trauma. Not for those who may have successfully desensitized.
"If I can stop one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain; If I can ease one life the aching, Or cool one pain, Or help one fainting robin Unto his nest again, I shall not live in vain". - Emily Dickinson Thank you so much for this video. I'm trying to be the first cycle-breaker of my traumatised family. Hearing your words, as well as those of many, many others like us, is so important now. 💜
Great video, Marissa, so important to get this messaging out there. One note: you said you might be able to get closure if certain people were still alive, but my mother is 97, still alive, and I still can't get closure from her on so many painful things she did (and still does) to me, because she just cannot give it to me. Closure comes from our thoughts, not something others can give to us. This has been very important to my (imperfect) journey of healing.
Almost right, but have to correct, sorry, have to. Thoughts are not the problem. Beliefs are. They obviously start from early childhood. If thoughts were the problem, CBT would heal everything and everyone. As you can see, it does little to most people. Lol
My score is 9. This was super triggering to watch on Mother’s Day, tbh. Even though she is alive, there is zero accountability on her part or closure. It’s up to me to find healing and closure on my own. I really appreciate the book rec, though, so I’ll be reading this one and the ones you recommended in your last video. Happy Mother’s Day to you! You are clearly an amazing mom.
I scored similarly high and I feel you, having no apology or even acknowledgement of what they did to you is so cruel. While my mother can admit some of the abuse (although claiming she’s not responsible for her actions) my father denies that anything difficult ever happened to me and insults me in every interaction… I don’t even care about an apology, I just wish they would acknowledge what happened to me. But I know I’ll never get that either.
So sorry. My mom saw look on my face and she said she was sorry. I was despondent and she turned in bed nursing home bed. Not sure if she knows exactly why she's sorry. It's all icky. over eater and gastro issues.... I was so tired the day after Mother's day. Neither I or my sister visited. She has suffered due to her being her ownworse enemy Karma. My poor dad. Sorrow and guilt. Parental alienation. Lord have mercy on all. Incomprehensible. We could have been such a good family and it all went to heck. We all wandered around lost. No love.
I also scored high and I was surprised. I know I have a multitude of issues from childhood trauma but I didn’t realize the full affect these things have had in me. My self esteem is horrible, depression and anxiety are constant friends. I had violent parents who betrayed me by supporting my ex-husband in trying to gain custody of my son. They finally found a way to hurt me bad and they ran with it. One of them just died and I’m relieved-he can’t inflict anymore pain. Thankful that I broke the chain and raised my son with love❤.
The bear analogy was a light bulb moment for me. Took the ACEs quiz and was a yes to every single question. My score 10. I started started crying as I answered the questions and couldn’t stop. I’m 45 and thought my childhood was behind me, past stays in the past but clearly not. I have always had chronic anxiety issues. Issues with getting to sleep, staying asleep, stomach issues etc. Now I know it’s cuz I’m still living with a bear. Thank you for this video🙏had no idea how much my past was affecting me in the present.
I took the test and was really surprised to see that there were no questions relating to childhood illness and disability. I had a critical illness as a child, I almost died, was in hospital for six months and was left permanently disabled. My ACE score was 4 as is but surely this stuff would be considered an adverse childhood experience! Thank you for making these videos 💜
Yes - there are way more than 10 ACES that people can experience. The list of 10 is very brief and not all-encompassing. Your medical trauma is definitely one that should be added and you are among many who have experienced it. Thank you for sharing!
@@emilys4313 That's exactly what I was thinking! Of course the list couldn't include every scenario but there seems to be some fairly major and common causes of trauma missed out completely.
@@libramoon9358 yes it also didn’t acknowledge sexual abuse by people less than 5 years older… Nor did it acknowledge things like losing your home, war or being a victim of violent crimes
I have to say I’m not surprised it didn’t. Western models of psychology are very individualistic and often refuse to incorporate the impact of wider systems of oppression or circumstances that are adverse but cannot be pinned down on an individual. This is because it would require these systems and the professionals within it to recognise that their patients are not as in power of their recovery as would be convenient for capitalism. This might sound radical but some (if not all) of our psychological problems could be prevented or redressed through social justice. But that would mean shaking up the balance of power (again of which Western psychology is part of). Your chronic illness is a perfect example. 1: even if you weren’t faced with ableism, the fact that the ACe model doesn’t incorporate your kind of experience is because they refuse to look at sources of harm beyond interpersonal relationships, i.e. individuals. 2: it’s possible you did face ableism which again ACe and Western psychology in general might not be great at acknowledging. I myself am Black and growing up in a racist world is definitely an ACE for any child who isn’t white. Also I find it strange that the tests only looks at adults and adults in the home. Children can traumatise each other too at school. So can teachers. It’s a very narrow framework.
I'm a follower of yours because I am personally decluttering. I happen to have a doctorate of professional counseling with a specialty in addictive and compulsive behavior. I am very aware of the ACES and addiction and health connection. Your content on this was spot-on, important, and well presented. Thank you for the "super, deep, sciency stuff". It's very important. Another important content piece would be "little t" and "big T" trauma.
On this topic, I’ve read a book called ”Adult children of emotionally unavaliable parents” which I can recommend. When there’s a quiz I always get really high scores both on the one in the book I just mentioned an on this ACEs test I just took. I’m also in the 16% thank you for sharing, Marissa!
Wow! ❤ explains why a lot of people with childhood trauma experience higher levels of inflammation and autoimmune disease….myself included. Thank you for this video. 🙏🏼
I learned about Aces in my work as a teacher. I personally have more than 6 Aces and have spent much time and energy working on getting past them. It is still a struggle. Sending you love this Mother’s Day.❤
I also have an emotionally abusive father. He’s 83 now and finally going to assisted living, after fighting it for a year. He ended up in the hospital and listened to the staff. He can’t live alone anymore. The dr took his license away as well. I’m going to start therapy to deal with my childhood. Thank you so much for this video Marissa. I felt like you were speaking directly to me. The timing of this video is uncanny. Thank you so much. I also shared it with my brother.
I dont often comment on CZcams. But this video has broken my for 3 month lasting "no spend-challange" and I am glad about it. I immeditly did the test after watching this video. My ACES is 4 and I am 37 old. I was crying at the moment, when you mentioned, that you can feel the slightest nuance on how people feel. I have called it too "a trained skill to survive" in the childhood. I take this to a good use in helping other people and being a good human being, but I totally forgot myself. I think I already break the cycle for my family, but starting to take care for myself, is a really hard step. I am really looking forward to read this book. A big thank you for the tip! I hope, I found the right words, because I am from germany and not a native speaker. By the way: even if I dont share the minimalist lifestyle (I love my little hobbit hole) , your channel is a big inspiration and I try to adapt a few things. Keep on doing your YT Channel, so much thank you for your great work and sharing your point of view on having a healthy and great life. And using your range to reach people for helping them: thank you so much!
My brother and I took the ACES quiz a few years ago and it was so helpful. It opened a dialogue for us about the experiences we had as children, our differences in what we were exposed to, and what we were doing to heal. It was really remarkable. My brother is one of my best friends and despite both of us being in the 16%, we're building beautiful lives with families we love and are doing our work to break cycles.
I’m trying to break the cycle for myself. I used to do it for my potential children, but now I’m pretty sure I shouldn’t have children. The “next generation” for me will be young people in my life and future generations effected by my choices. Breaking cycles often feels like breaking apart my bones so I can reset them straight. It’s excruciating. But once the bone is healed again, I can walk further and even dance sometimes. Thank you for sharing this book and your story. ❤️ I know how terrifying vulnerability can be for those of us who were forced to protect ourselves 24/7.
I also feel...the issues I see in my parents (and I Love them and know they love me and that cannot change) , in my own childhood and psyche, or things we identify as family issues....I don't wish to pass it on. So I feel I don't want to perpetuate the cycle. This is right for me. No judgement on those who chose to have kids anyways, believing they will be able to escape the trauma patterns. It's ok. I am grateful to be alive, which means I am glad I am born, but I still don't feel I am good enough to be able to give a safe world or a happy life to a child. This world feels completely out of my control.
@@tiffanyhau1254 I’ve always wanted kids. It used to be the main goal I had for my life. But as I’ve realized the extent of my trauma, and learned what it takes to be a healthy, cycle-breaking parent, I’ve had to confront the idea that maybe having children is out of reach for me. Right now, I can’t form and maintain connections with individuals or communities. Often, there are months when I can barely bathe and feed myself. Unless I am able to make radical and sustained healing in the next 5-10 years, I feel it would be irresponsible to bring a child into my life to likely be neglected and isolated. My parents both had a ton of generational trauma and disordered mental health. They stopped a few cycles, but most of their trauma was projected forward onto me and my siblings. Unless I can stop the cycle through extreme healing, I’m going to stop the cycle by forgoing the experience of parenthood. But I absolutely support everyone who intentionally grows and heals in order to build a healthier environment for their future/existing children. I hope I can do it too, but even if I can’t, I’m cheering for you! 💪❤
@@emmelinesprig489 Thanks for replying ❤️ I think it is very responsible for you to be able to take a step back and ask yourself if you are in the best state to have children... Paradoxically, this is the type of responsibility I think all parents have. Some parents choose to have children for their own benefit rather than with the perspective of caring and giving the best to their children (my parents). I wish you the best in your healing journey so one day you'll be able to be ready to care for yourself and children (if that is still something you want).
So grateful for my marriage and adult home being heaven compared to childhood. Scored an 8. I find so much peace and healing being barefoot and working in my garden.
I personally have 9 aces, and I have actively worked thru breaking the cycle of trauma as I have moved into adulthood and became a mother. I have had some difficulty working thru all of my past since many of my family members have died suddenly, so there are a lot of questions left unanswered. Creating a peaceful home that is without clutter and overstimulation as well as practicing slowliving with a focus on homesteading and simplicity has really helped me to heal. Your channel is so helpful, and your explanations are very clear and relatable. Keep up the good work 💗
I applaud you for making this video and I hope this can reach all the adults who need to hear this. I score 4 in ACE and I have severe dysautonomia (a dysfunction of the parasympathetic and sympathetic nervous system) from many, many years of emotional abuse by both of my parents. I am very proud to say I’m the cycle breaker and I continue to heal myself by loving my three children unconditionally.
Also want to say, thank you for being so open and vulnerable about a topic that most people, understandably, don't want to acknowledge openly. There is a huge amount of trauma in the world and every message of hope and healing helps all 🙏
Cycle breaker here. Both my hubby and I actually. I really felt your pain as you spoke about this. I am a HSP and totally get it. On your book video, we already own the first 5-6 you mentioned. Lol. Book for book! It was hysterical to see that. I am a new sub and really enjoying your content. You’re not like the other minimalist channels out there and I appreciate that. Your experiences really resonate with me. In terms of the ACES - my score is pretty damn high. I never realized until very recently how much trauma I actually experienced. Then I stumbled on you. Thank you with deep gratitude. ❤❤❤
You are my Angel on earth. I have been weeping ever since I saw your video and I bought the book on kindle so I could start it right away. I knew about the book already but it was like someone (you) gave me permission to heal. If I could hit the thumbs up more than once I would. Thank you a million times and more🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❣
Sending love from a virtual friend too x ❤️ PS I cried a bit. My Mum and Dad were the best but I had an emotionally abusive aunt I spent time with. Mum and Dad hadn't a clue as I never let them know.
I’ve been having a hard time dealing with my anxiety and depression lately but I’m getting out of that rut. I’m relieved to see that I’m not alone and that we really are out here breaking cycles. Go us!!🎉
I really appreciate your heart 🤗 I have many Ace’s as well and struggled for decades with them. The most healing, release and resolution of symptoms that I’ve had has come from my relationship with with Jesus Christ. ❤
After having a breast cancer scare at 35 I researched it. Due to my depression I am more liking to get this form of cancer. Now I’m working on my depression. I have worked with so many doctors and still no answers to all my health issues. Now I know it’s my body screaming for help from all of the trapped trauma. Thank you for sharing your experience, so much.
I have heard about ACES. I have had a lot of trauma in my life- from childhood into adulthood. I have lost many friends and family starting at 10 yr old when my mom died... my dad died when I was 12. I was born with a disability and spent much of my childhood in the hospital. I thank you Marisa for this video! By the way- when I went to college it was for Speech Pathology and Audiology. I did not go past my sophomore year in folly though. I pray that you continue your path to mental health and wellness. Much love and God bless! Happy Mother's Day!💜🪷🙂
My score was 7, the monster in the dark was my father. But Jesus saved me from it all! Only He can reparent you and love you perfectly. Thank you Lord Jesus!❤
Ive just discovered your channel and its opened my mind to my own trauma,growing up with an alcaholic father,and marrying an alcoholic, getting graves disease.
I agree Marissa. Also, when toxic people do and say things and cause unhappiness and hurt in your life, I get cross when people say "oh Karma will get them", I think it is not a matter of Karma, but that I need to change the way I react to not let them bother me so much and then their toxicity doesn't work and they can move on, hopefully learning a lesson (not always I know). This is where I become the cycle breaker. Perfect video Marissa. Love Jo from Australia xxx
I have a high ACE score and diagnosed PTSD. I've had years of therapy to deal with and learn how to live with my traumas. But one of the most unfair things (in my opinion) is that what was done to us as children can affect our health later in life. I know life is unfair, but this reaches a new level.
Interesting. I'd never heard of this study or Ace scores before but it makes so much sense. Apparently I have 6 Aces. I think unconsciously I have ‘broken the cycle’ by deciding not to have children. I've just always felt it would be cruel to have a family. This book is definitely going on my to-read list. Thank you for sharing!
Another great video, Marissa! As a person with a high ACE score, I feel it's important to share information about the effects of trauma. It's not easy to break the cycle, but it can be done. Thank you for sharing your story. ❤️
Omg!!! Yes!!! I need this so much. I’ve been trying to navigate my road to healing. I have about 7 autoimmune diseases and am pretty much homebound. The story of “living with the bear” hit a major cord with me!!! Wow! Finally words to describe how I felt having to live with my abuser, even after I reported 1970s. MORE MORE MORE PLEASE!!!!!
Thank you for your information it’s tragic so so many of us are suffering even as we are trying hard to heal, move on. My struggle is raw. I recently became unraveled and now my life is destroyed and I’m left feeling completely empty. To hurt and struggle every day and put on a ‘I am ok’ show to those around me is exhausting. I hope I don’t loose my fight. I’ve always put others before me and now I’m suffering for it. Sometimes just breathing hurts.
I'm so sorry you're hurting. I hope you hear and believe me when I say there is beauty waiting for you in healing. Healing is work, yes, and sometimes things get harder before it gets easier. It isn't linear. But I've been healing for 5 years now and I feel a hope and freedom I didn't even know existed. It's there for you too and you absolutely deserve to feel whole and healed too. ❤ wishing you strength and peace.
I remember when that study came out, my parents had just divorced and my dad was in prison so EVERYONE around me was talking about it. I'm really impressed with how far we've come since then in learning how to heal these things as at the time the takeaway was really just a promise of a terrible future. And now many things that used to be automatic aces: like divorce, can be handled in a way that limits the impact so it functionally disappears.
My ace score is 5. I admit I cried watching your video. I have been working on healing and breaking lineage issues and traumas for years. Thank you for this.
As a pediatrician specializing in developmental challenges, this is pet of our every day evaluations. Social history is so very important when it comes to what affects our ongoing health starting in childhood. Thank you for talking about this!
Thank you for this video! My biggest problem is letting go of toxic people in my life - especially when they are close family. Also, I live in constant fear that they might just show up at my doorstep or even just call me. I don't really know how to deal with that.
I am currently reading the secret and got a couple of the others you suggested. Am going to read the deepest well last as feel reading it will be traumatic in itself. Have always believed that childhood trauma is linked to health issues but have never learnt how to disconnect the two. I am the cycle breaker in my family, its tough and makes me feel lost. This has helped so will read it and hopefully move my cycle breaking on a few steps.
I cried while taking the test and I cried with you when you cried. It’s hard to have to experience these things, and hard to remember them. Thank you so much for being open and vulnerable with us. I’m a bit younger and you’re someone I really look up to. It gives me hope to see someone not only survive their childhood trauma but thrive, and have a beautiful family. I wish you nothing but the best. ❤
They don’t talk enough about, taking care of an aging parent who was also your abuser. I currently am taking care of my 94 year old mom who was my abuser and caused me great trauma. Through therapy I have been able to gain tools to handle each situation that arises but people must understand all because the person becomes old and frail doesn’t mean the abuse stops. They may not have strength but they can still kill you with their words. I wish more attention was given to this.
Oh Marissa. You have given me so much to think about. I scored 5 😔 I always think about the “what now” part as I have a tendency to avoid those who trigger a trauma response. Thank you for sharing this.
Beautiful video and such an important topic. I have decided I will break the cycle in my family too and am working hard on healing myself. Sometimes it seems so overwhelming, but I won't give up anymore. Also, it was minimalism that helped me to practice letting go and creating room in my life to face my past. Looking forward to more content like this. Thank you so much for sharing ❤
you are an absolute inspiration to me. I'm 16 and this has definitely changed my thinking, and I will try and use this knowledge to help other young people I know. I hugely respect you and this education you're putting out will help so many people fix or stop themselves from going down harmful life paths. thank you, sending love.
I have to be honest, I was lead to you today. I have watched your videos in the past (maybe 3) and thought wow, she's so calm and passive. I wasn't searching for anything in particular...I usually search for escape from my reality, which after watching your video today screamed out to me " you have this going on, too!!" Which made me cry.... My saving grace (up to this point) has been my faith, it's a start point. But wow, my puzzle (and missing pieces) is finally making sense after listening to you today. Thank you for having the strength and courage to open up and shining the light on this hidden path. I hug you and send you love. A million thank yous
This resonates with me. I am approaching sixty and I'm still sometimes remembering and realizing something more of how traumatic and damaging my early years were. My interpretation of 'time heals all wounds' is that the further away you move from the trauma, the more outward you are on a virtual bubble with the beginning of the trauma in the centre, the better able you may become to see the full scope of it.
Both of my parents were alcoholic. I was VERY afraid to go home and be at home until I have taken my personal belongings in garbage bags at the age of 21, on the very day my first full time salary was paid. Now I have a wonderful family, and I try to be the mother I always wanted to have. I think I am doing fine but it is a journey that has no end. I send my love and best wishes to you all. It is worth to carry on. Sometimes it is very hard to believe but if we hold on long enough and try to do the right things in life, happiness will be found further down the path ❤
The bear 🐻- wonderful picture for emotions. I can relate to the hyper awareness of environment and my score was only a 2! Thanks so much for this awareness - what a blessing you have given in sharing!! 🎉
Gosh Marissa, you took my breath away there! Thanks for your calm, gentle leadership on this impactful topic. We're born to brightly shine, nothing else matters ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Yeah I have no idea what ACES are at all. This is new to me. I don't stress much ever. You lost so many people in a short length of time. I am truly sorry. Both parents and 8 people in a short span of time is so much to go through (It seems like perhaps you were close to your grandmother and I am sorry she was one of the eight). You have such a sensitive and beautiful heart, by the way. I took the ACES test and got my score. Thanks for letting me know. I feel pretty good despite what it stated. I think I went through a lot of healing when I was young to get through things, but there is one person in my life I sometimes struggle with (because they haven't grown at all, nor try to, and still treat people around them poorly - and they have PTSD, COPD, and heart issues). Your score seems higher than mine though, and I am sorry for the things you have gone through. You have a beautiful family and life now and I am sure you have done a lot to make sure that you make a better life for your children than you had. You are doing a great job.
I recently learned about ACE,s amd have a very high score. Great video and I can see the link of hoarding, anxiety along with all of those other statistics ❤🇬🇧❤
Thank you so much for this video, Marissa. I took the quiz and scored 3, and like you I have some questions in my life I will never get answers for, because the people I would need to talk to either are already gone or are not willing to talk certain issues. When I was about six years old, my parents told me that I was adopted and spent my early baby days un a home away from my biological mother. As a kid of six I did not understand that this maybe was the cause of my anxiety towards getting los at strange places or about losing my parents or my fear of "not being able to get home anymore" when my car broke down in the middle of nowhere or we had problems while travelling. Knowing these things now helps me to deal with my anxiety so much better.
Thank so much for sharing your vulnerability. I wish I could give you hug or a warm cup of tea. Thank you for this video. I now have this book on a waitlist at my library 🩷
I love this video so much. I’m a cycle-breaker and I’m trying to encourage my husband to be one too. But he seems to have some rose-colored glasses for his parents and tried to deny that they have any ACEs or that they are the reason for his ACEs. I wish I could share this video with his family without offending them. I hope everyone is able to see their family as human beings rather than perfect people and start to heal these traumas that people pretend don’t exist. I’ve watched it destroy generations and continue.
I had multiple childhood traumas as a result of two emotionally unavailable parents. Some things might not have come from them, but they were definitely not there to help me through the hard times. I've been working with a therapist to uncover all of those. The amount of crying I did in the past year was several times the crying I'd done in my entire life. I'm still working on it, but I'm already feeling more often at ease and more loving towards people around me. I can also feel love from ordinary things which I couldn't feel up to this point in life.
I Thank You sincerely! It is so so true. Trauma from childhood can ruin your adulthood. It is so hard to identify your traumas and put work to overcome them. But so worth it for own self and for loved ones around. Every line resonated so much with me and once more confirmed I am on the right way and not making things up being a victim. At the age of 30 started having auto immune issues, depression, sleep problems. But from outside people can envy me. But inside I cry at nights. I am slowly overcoming my traumas and distancing away from people who can hurt me.
Powerful message! Thank you for sharing. I’m interested to see how I can apply this to my trauma of being married to a psychopath for 20 years and being in constant survival mode. I’ve been free for 5 years and it seems like I’m dealing with everything now because in survival mode you can’t. Thank you for bringing these positive messages! ❤
Im not here to be mean but theres no way he were a psychopath if you were with him for 20 years.. i got rid of 3 sociopaths in 3 years. Its easy. Say bye and send em packing. Too many woman since the metoo movement massively exagerate their victimhood.
I survived one. " Covert Narcissist " I wish I'd known earlier. Its very demonic. But I'm headed now. I went and got a lot of help, a lot......and after 4 years. Its the best thing I've ever done.
Marisa, thank you for sharing not only your experiences but bringing forward such a wonderful resource as The Deepest Well. We have absolutely no idea what people in our lives or others are dealing with. While I dealt with trauma due to loss I have always been a seeker of knowledge on how to "survive" that trauma in a healthier way. I will share your video & the book with those I know can benefit. I appreciate the strength it took to make this video and relate so much to your vulnerability & sensitivity shown here as you try to help others break the generational cycles.
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Thank you so much! I had to cry when you asked the question about the bear living in your house. I grew up with a narcissistic stepdad and this stress that lasted almost two decades is still stored in my body. I realized that the single most important thing for healing is relaxation. We (unconsciously) bring stressors in our life (toxic partners, career ...) so this stress level that we are used to is held up. Because if we don't have this certain level of stress we connect to all the suppressed and very painful feelings that came with our childhood. We don't want to feel this pain so we attract more stress... Only when we actively relax and open ourselves up to experience these feeling then we can truly heal. It is a slow and uncomfortable process but it is so necessary.
Thank you Marissa for sharing about ACES. I had not heard if this before. You did a wonderful job explaining it. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing so others can be helped. God bless you always. ❤
it's so sad, all that happened to you. you are very strong if you talk about it to help others! I think everyone has something like that, but we can do it, especially knowing that we are not alone!
Lovely video. Very important to recognize that past difficult experiences can create negative ways of thinking, feeling and acting. Even more important to recognize that an individual can take actions to change this. Cycle breaking is hard but it is possible.
That explains so much. Just looking at me and my mum. And my mum started to break the cycle of abuse with me. And now I gentle parent and my mum is a huge part of my life.
I really know, what you are talking about. I've been working with my therapist for about a year on my toxic past and CPTSD (Complex Posttraumatic Stress Disorder). Its very hard, it's a lot of work but it really is worth it!
My ACES score is 5. I'm also a cycle breaker. It hasn't always been an easy journey, but it was important to me to give my sons a better childhood than the one I endured. Thank you SO MUCH for being open, honest & sensitive to this highly personal topic.
I just came across your videos and they are very peaceful, enlightening, and a breath of fresh air. I am not a minimalist but you have inspire me to declutter in all the areas of my life. I am happy to know that God blessed you with a big family (even if they are your in-laws) and that your kids will grow up surrounded by many people that love them.🙏
Beautiful video! I'm a cycle breaker and I've been on my healing journey with earnest for about 5 years. One thing I might suggest to others looking to heal is to cultivate your awareness. Becoming aware of your triggers, or even emotions (that's where I had to start), how certain words feel in your body, how certain words and actions fuel or drain you. Cultivating your awareness and using that always as your fiat step in healing will really accelerate and help your journey❤
I am also a cycle breaker but wasn't aware of the aces. I followed your link and took it and my score was 10. I'm not surprised and had a feeling when I watched this video that I would. I follow you for so many reasons but mostly because I relate to your generational clutter/hording. I'm trying to work on my home and self and your so honest and real. Thank you so much for putting yourself out there. ❤
Thank you for sharing this. This video is particularly powerful - finally someone has addressed this on CZcams. Sending peace and love from Singapore. 🙏
Thank you for sharing ❤ I feel you and send you hugs and support. I'm on my way too, even started to cry with you while watching the video. In a way I think that minimalism and decluttering is an intuitive approach to get rid of everything unnecessary, both mental and physical
Thanks for sharing! I'm in the process of breaking my generation traumas as well. Growing up in China, born as a girl, being physically abused by my own mother ( she used to sit on me and choke me, at the age of 30 I still wake up from nightmares, feeling suffocating)😢 it's not easy! But I can do it!
Thank you so much for this. I did the test and scored 6. I was aware I had an addictive personality so consciously stepped away fro smoking, drinking, drugs but I do have food problems caused by the trauma and toxic stress. I did counselling training, studied meditation practice and had personal therapy. I do need to work on the connection to food fear. Thanks for the video - you are a a total lotus flower blooming. Ps I’ve ordered the book.
Omg this is insane! I am a plus four aces, and while I know it’s bad, so bad that I fought hard to push through those negative things, ensured I wasn’t in poverty, delayed having children until I was financially secure, made sure I had a safe partner etc, I can’t save myself from everything. I recognize the things I have done to cope in the past and the present. I just never had a name to put to it before.
You could not imagine...... When i listen this about the bear i realized that my answer could be that my choise is to hiding in bears hug ........ And that it could be the best discription of my life ......always hidden beside of fears and not at all boldness to active ...to do .....to stay front of my fears !!! Thank you for this finding !!!! I am watching you two years before or more and that is the first moment you found my key !!!!! Thank you again !!!!
Please like, comment, and share this video so we can help as many people AS POSSIBLE! More resources ► 📚 READ THE BOOK » The Deepest Well: amzn.to/3M0mCP4 🎧» Get a FREE 30-day trial of Audible with this special link: www.audibletrial.com/6eWyPQ
I just started THE MYTH OF NORMAL by GABOR MATE... this is chapter 5
I bought the book. As old as I am I still recognized some of my childhood experiences here - being cold, hiding alone & secretive, definitely emotionally unsafe. I'm looking forward to maybe finding out how I can let all of this go.
Love to all the cycle breakers ❤️
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@@Ana-rb7ws ❤️❤️❤️
@@auntylinda7640 ❤️❤️❤️
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I am a licensed MH provider specializing in trauma. This video was ON POINT! Thank you for doing the reading and sharing a concise version of the information so that everyone can digest it. Also, you did an amazing job discussing your history without oversharing, which people don't always realize could be triggering/retraumatizing for anyone watching. Your bravery is very inspiring!
Thank you so much for your valuable feedback and the important work you do 🙏
This is a good point. I feel like I study on CZcams to figure out what is a triggering to people vs “just a funny story from my childhood” I think I’m telling jokes but I’m often trauma dumping without knowing.
It's triggering for myself overtalking about my trauma. Makes me very sad, very anxious and compulse. I have to control the impulse of not thinking about anything else and self pitting and avoid telling my history to people that only want me to feel worst. Watching her talk I think she feels the same...
Hey Makai - I think the OP meant retraumatizing for those who have NOT yet healed, processed and desensitized from their childhood trauma. Not for those who may have successfully desensitized.
@Krishna patel true
"If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain".
- Emily Dickinson
Thank you so much for this video.
I'm trying to be the first cycle-breaker of my traumatised family. Hearing your words, as well as those of many, many others like us, is so important now.
💜
Lovely quote
Great video, Marissa, so important to get this messaging out there. One note: you said you might be able to get closure if certain people were still alive, but my mother is 97, still alive, and I still can't get closure from her on so many painful things she did (and still does) to me, because she just cannot give it to me. Closure comes from our thoughts, not something others can give to us. This has been very important to my (imperfect) journey of healing.
Such an important point. Hugs to you ❤
Very helpful to be reminded of this..
Almost right, but have to correct, sorry, have to. Thoughts are not the problem. Beliefs are. They obviously start from early childhood. If thoughts were the problem, CBT would heal everything and everyone. As you can see, it does little to most people. Lol
I’m really sorry 😞 to hear that your mother is causing you so much problems
My score is 9. This was super triggering to watch on Mother’s Day, tbh. Even though she is alive, there is zero accountability on her part or closure. It’s up to me to find healing and closure on my own. I really appreciate the book rec, though, so I’ll be reading this one and the ones you recommended in your last video. Happy Mother’s Day to you! You are clearly an amazing mom.
I scored similarly high and I feel you, having no apology or even acknowledgement of what they did to you is so cruel. While my mother can admit some of the abuse (although claiming she’s not responsible for her actions) my father denies that anything difficult ever happened to me and insults me in every interaction… I don’t even care about an apology, I just wish they would acknowledge what happened to me. But I know I’ll never get that either.
So sorry. My mom saw look on my face and she said she was sorry. I was despondent and she turned in bed nursing home bed. Not sure if she knows exactly why she's sorry. It's all icky. over eater and gastro issues.... I was so tired the day after Mother's day. Neither I or my sister visited. She has suffered due to her being her ownworse enemy Karma. My poor dad. Sorrow and guilt. Parental alienation. Lord have mercy on all. Incomprehensible. We could have been such a good family and it all went to heck. We all wandered around lost. No love.
I also scored high and I was surprised. I know I have a multitude of issues from childhood trauma but I didn’t realize the full affect these things have had in me. My self esteem is horrible, depression and anxiety are constant friends. I had violent parents who betrayed me by supporting my ex-husband in trying to gain custody of my son. They finally found a way to hurt me bad and they ran with it. One of them just died and I’m relieved-he can’t inflict anymore pain. Thankful that I broke the chain and raised my son with love❤.
@@luciamixon4156 sending you love ❤️
The bear analogy was a light bulb moment for me. Took the ACEs quiz and was a yes to every single question. My score 10. I started started crying as I answered the questions and couldn’t stop. I’m 45 and thought my childhood was behind me, past stays in the past but clearly not. I have always had chronic anxiety issues. Issues with getting to sleep, staying asleep, stomach issues etc. Now I know it’s cuz I’m still living with a bear. Thank you for this video🙏had no idea how much my past was affecting me in the present.
peace be with you Ruthie
I took the test and was really surprised to see that there were no questions relating to childhood illness and disability. I had a critical illness as a child, I almost died, was in hospital for six months and was left permanently disabled. My ACE score was 4 as is but surely this stuff would be considered an adverse childhood experience!
Thank you for making these videos 💜
Definitely ❤
Yes - there are way more than 10 ACES that people can experience. The list of 10 is very brief and not all-encompassing. Your medical trauma is definitely one that should be added and you are among many who have experienced it. Thank you for sharing!
@@emilys4313 That's exactly what I was thinking! Of course the list couldn't include every scenario but there seems to be some fairly major and common causes of trauma missed out completely.
@@libramoon9358 yes it also didn’t acknowledge sexual abuse by people less than 5 years older… Nor did it acknowledge things like losing your home, war or being a victim of violent crimes
I have to say I’m not surprised it didn’t. Western models of psychology are very individualistic and often refuse to incorporate the impact of wider systems of oppression or circumstances that are adverse but cannot be pinned down on an individual. This is because it would require these systems and the professionals within it to recognise that their patients are not as in power of their recovery as would be convenient for capitalism. This might sound radical but some (if not all) of our psychological problems could be prevented or redressed through social justice. But that would mean shaking up the balance of power (again of which Western psychology is part of). Your chronic illness is a perfect example. 1: even if you weren’t faced with ableism, the fact that the ACe model doesn’t incorporate your kind of experience is because they refuse to look at sources of harm beyond interpersonal relationships, i.e. individuals. 2: it’s possible you did face ableism which again ACe and Western psychology in general might not be great at acknowledging. I myself am Black and growing up in a racist world is definitely an ACE for any child who isn’t white. Also I find it strange that the tests only looks at adults and adults in the home. Children can traumatise each other too at school. So can teachers. It’s a very narrow framework.
I'm a follower of yours because I am personally decluttering. I happen to have a doctorate of professional counseling with a specialty in addictive and compulsive behavior. I am very aware of the ACES and addiction and health connection. Your content on this was spot-on, important, and well presented. Thank you for the "super, deep, sciency stuff". It's very important. Another important content piece would be "little t" and "big T" trauma.
Thank you for this info! How I’m wondering what the little T’s are
Little t is the small stuff and the big T is the very large stuff such as death 💀 in the family
On this topic, I’ve read a book called ”Adult children of emotionally unavaliable parents” which I can recommend. When there’s a quiz I always get really high scores both on the one in the book I just mentioned an on this ACEs test I just took. I’m also in the 16% thank you for sharing, Marissa!
I read ”Adult children of emotionally unavaliable parents” too and it has helped me so much.
Wow! ❤ explains why a lot of people with childhood trauma experience higher levels of inflammation and autoimmune disease….myself included. Thank you for this video. 🙏🏼
I learned about Aces in my work as a teacher. I personally have more than 6 Aces and have spent much time and energy working on getting past them. It is still a struggle. Sending you love this Mother’s Day.❤
It’s a long healing journey! Thank you for the important work you do and sending ❤️ right back.
I also have an emotionally abusive father. He’s 83 now and finally going to assisted living, after fighting it for a year. He ended up in the hospital and listened to the staff. He can’t live alone anymore. The dr took his license away as well. I’m going to start therapy to deal with my childhood. Thank you so much for this video Marissa. I felt like you were speaking directly to me. The timing of this video is uncanny. Thank you so much.
I also shared it with my brother.
I dont often comment on CZcams. But this video has broken my for 3 month lasting "no spend-challange" and I am glad about it. I immeditly did the test after watching this video. My ACES is 4 and I am 37 old. I was crying at the moment, when you mentioned, that you can feel the slightest nuance on how people feel. I have called it too "a trained skill to survive" in the childhood. I take this to a good use in helping other people and being a good human being, but I totally forgot myself. I think I already break the cycle for my family, but starting to take care for myself, is a really hard step. I am really looking forward to read this book. A big thank you for the tip! I hope, I found the right words, because I am from germany and not a native speaker. By the way: even if I dont share the minimalist lifestyle (I love my little hobbit hole) , your channel is a big inspiration and I try to adapt a few things. Keep on doing your YT Channel, so much thank you for your great work and sharing your point of view on having a healthy and great life. And using your range to reach people for helping them: thank you so much!
My brother and I took the ACES quiz a few years ago and it was so helpful. It opened a dialogue for us about the experiences we had as children, our differences in what we were exposed to, and what we were doing to heal. It was really remarkable. My brother is one of my best friends and despite both of us being in the 16%, we're building beautiful lives with families we love and are doing our work to break cycles.
I’m trying to break the cycle for myself. I used to do it for my potential children, but now I’m pretty sure I shouldn’t have children. The “next generation” for me will be young people in my life and future generations effected by my choices.
Breaking cycles often feels like breaking apart my bones so I can reset them straight. It’s excruciating. But once the bone is healed again, I can walk further and even dance sometimes.
Thank you for sharing this book and your story. ❤️ I know how terrifying vulnerability can be for those of us who were forced to protect ourselves 24/7.
I also feel...the issues I see in my parents (and I Love them and know they love me and that cannot change) , in my own childhood and psyche, or things we identify as family issues....I don't wish to pass it on. So I feel I don't want to perpetuate the cycle. This is right for me. No judgement on those who chose to have kids anyways, believing they will be able to escape the trauma patterns. It's ok. I am grateful to be alive, which means I am glad I am born, but I still don't feel I am good enough to be able to give a safe world or a happy life to a child. This world feels completely out of my control.
Would you be comfortable in sharing why you wouldn't have kids? I'm in the situation of healing myself for potential children and marriage.
@@tiffanyhau1254 omg me too .
@@tiffanyhau1254 I’ve always wanted kids. It used to be the main goal I had for my life. But as I’ve realized the extent of my trauma, and learned what it takes to be a healthy, cycle-breaking parent, I’ve had to confront the idea that maybe having children is out of reach for me. Right now, I can’t form and maintain connections with individuals or communities. Often, there are months when I can barely bathe and feed myself. Unless I am able to make radical and sustained healing in the next 5-10 years, I feel it would be irresponsible to bring a child into my life to likely be neglected and isolated. My parents both had a ton of generational trauma and disordered mental health. They stopped a few cycles, but most of their trauma was projected forward onto me and my siblings. Unless I can stop the cycle through extreme healing, I’m going to stop the cycle by forgoing the experience of parenthood. But I absolutely support everyone who intentionally grows and heals in order to build a healthier environment for their future/existing children. I hope I can do it too, but even if I can’t, I’m cheering for you! 💪❤
@@emmelinesprig489 Thanks for replying ❤️ I think it is very responsible for you to be able to take a step back and ask yourself if you are in the best state to have children... Paradoxically, this is the type of responsibility I think all parents have. Some parents choose to have children for their own benefit rather than with the perspective of caring and giving the best to their children (my parents). I wish you the best in your healing journey so one day you'll be able to be ready to care for yourself and children (if that is still something you want).
So grateful for my marriage and adult home being heaven compared to childhood. Scored an 8. I find so much peace and healing being barefoot and working in my garden.
I personally have 9 aces, and I have actively worked thru breaking the cycle of trauma as I have moved into adulthood and became a mother. I have had some difficulty working thru all of my past since many of my family members have died suddenly, so there are a lot of questions left unanswered. Creating a peaceful home that is without clutter and overstimulation as well as practicing slowliving with a focus on homesteading and simplicity has really helped me to heal. Your channel is so helpful, and your explanations are very clear and relatable. Keep up the good work 💗
I applaud you for making this video and I hope this can reach all the adults who need to hear this. I score 4 in ACE and I have severe dysautonomia (a dysfunction of the parasympathetic and sympathetic nervous system) from many, many years of emotional abuse by both of my parents. I am very proud to say I’m the cycle breaker and I continue to heal myself by loving my three children unconditionally.
Also want to say, thank you for being so open and vulnerable about a topic that most people, understandably, don't want to acknowledge openly. There is a huge amount of trauma in the world and every message of hope and healing helps all 🙏
You are so right. I have shoved down what hurt me in the past and I am slowly (in my late 50s) undoing the damage, learning and accepting my worth!
Cycle breaker here. Both my hubby and I actually. I really felt your pain as you spoke about this. I am a HSP and totally get it. On your book video, we already own the first 5-6 you mentioned. Lol. Book for book! It was hysterical to see that. I am a new sub and really enjoying your content. You’re not like the other minimalist channels out there and I appreciate that. Your experiences really resonate with me. In terms of the ACES - my score is pretty damn high. I never realized until very recently how much trauma I actually experienced. Then I stumbled on you. Thank you with deep gratitude. ❤❤❤
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences with me and glad to have you (and hubby) join me here 🤗
You are my Angel on earth. I have been weeping ever since I saw your video and I bought the book on kindle so I could start it right away. I knew about the book already but it was like someone (you) gave me permission to heal. If I could hit the thumbs up more than once I would. Thank you a million times and more🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❣
Hugs and healing ❤️🩹 to you, Dianne!
Sending love from a virtual friend too x ❤️
PS I cried a bit. My Mum and Dad were the best but I had an emotionally abusive aunt I spent time with. Mum and Dad hadn't a clue as I never let them know.
I’ve been having a hard time dealing with my anxiety and depression lately but I’m getting out of that rut. I’m relieved to see that I’m not alone and that we really are out here breaking cycles. Go us!!🎉
I really appreciate your heart 🤗 I have many Ace’s as well and struggled for decades with them. The most healing, release and resolution of symptoms that I’ve had has come from my relationship with with Jesus Christ. ❤
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After having a breast cancer scare at 35 I researched it. Due to my depression I am more liking to get this form of cancer. Now I’m working on my depression. I have worked with so many doctors and still no answers to all my health issues. Now I know it’s my body screaming for help from all of the trapped trauma. Thank you for sharing your experience, so much.
I have heard about ACES. I have had a lot of trauma in my life- from childhood into adulthood. I have lost many friends and family starting at 10 yr old when my mom died... my dad died when I was 12. I was born with a disability and spent much of my childhood in the hospital. I thank you Marisa for this video! By the way- when I went to college it was for Speech Pathology and Audiology. I did not go past my sophomore year in folly though. I pray that you continue your path to mental health and wellness. Much love and God bless! Happy Mother's Day!💜🪷🙂
My score was 7, the monster in the dark was my father. But Jesus saved me from it all! Only He can reparent you and love you perfectly. Thank you Lord Jesus!❤
Ive just discovered your channel and its opened my mind to my own trauma,growing up with an alcaholic father,and marrying an alcoholic, getting graves disease.
ACE score of 3 at least, and yes, clearing clutter on all levels including physical, has been extremely helpful to me 🙏
I agree Marissa. Also, when toxic people do and say things and cause unhappiness and hurt in your life, I get cross when people say "oh Karma will get them", I think it is not a matter of Karma, but that I need to change the way I react to not let them bother me so much and then their toxicity doesn't work and they can move on, hopefully learning a lesson (not always I know). This is where I become the cycle breaker. Perfect video Marissa. Love Jo from Australia xxx
I have a high ACE score and diagnosed PTSD. I've had years of therapy to deal with and learn how to live with my traumas. But one of the most unfair things (in my opinion) is that what was done to us as children can affect our health later in life. I know life is unfair, but this reaches a new level.
Interesting. I'd never heard of this study or Ace scores before but it makes so much sense. Apparently I have 6 Aces. I think unconsciously I have ‘broken the cycle’ by deciding not to have children. I've just always felt it would be cruel to have a family. This book is definitely going on my to-read list. Thank you for sharing!
I'm on the same page as you. I decided to end it with me. No kids
Another great video, Marissa! As a person with a high ACE score, I feel it's important to share information about the effects of trauma. It's not easy to break the cycle, but it can be done. Thank you for sharing your story. ❤️
Thanks for being here ❤️
How do you know what score is considered low, medium, high?
I’ve read all this research and I have so many of the health issues but this felt like a friend reminding me I’m worth taking care of. Thank you.
Omg!!! Yes!!! I need this so much. I’ve been trying to navigate my road to healing. I have about 7 autoimmune diseases and am pretty much homebound. The story of “living with the bear” hit a major cord with me!!! Wow! Finally words to describe how I felt having to live with my abuser, even after I reported 1970s. MORE MORE MORE PLEASE!!!!!
Thank you for your information it’s tragic so so many of us are suffering even as we are trying hard to heal, move on. My struggle is raw. I recently became unraveled and now my life is destroyed and I’m left feeling completely empty. To hurt and struggle every day and put on a ‘I am ok’ show to those around me is exhausting. I hope I don’t loose my fight. I’ve always put others before me and now I’m suffering for it. Sometimes just breathing hurts.
I'm so sorry you're hurting. I hope you hear and believe me when I say there is beauty waiting for you in healing. Healing is work, yes, and sometimes things get harder before it gets easier. It isn't linear. But I've been healing for 5 years now and I feel a hope and freedom I didn't even know existed. It's there for you too and you absolutely deserve to feel whole and healed too. ❤ wishing you strength and peace.
My ACE score is 6.
It feels unfair trying to live up to standards or expectations of society/other people who have low or non existent ACE scores.
I remember when that study came out, my parents had just divorced and my dad was in prison so EVERYONE around me was talking about it. I'm really impressed with how far we've come since then in learning how to heal these things as at the time the takeaway was really just a promise of a terrible future. And now many things that used to be automatic aces: like divorce, can be handled in a way that limits the impact so it functionally disappears.
My ace score is 5. I admit I cried watching your video. I have been working on healing and breaking lineage issues and traumas for years. Thank you for this.
As a pediatrician specializing in developmental challenges, this is pet of our every day evaluations. Social history is so very important when it comes to what affects our ongoing health starting in childhood. Thank you for talking about this!
You’ve helped me so .when you teared up I teared up with you. It’s a long journey but I am getting there.
I’ve hijacked the system by being childfree by choice. But I’m interested in this book, thanks! I’m going to order it.
I would like to give you a big hug. Thank you for talking about important topics.
Thank you for this video! My biggest problem is letting go of toxic people in my life - especially when they are close family. Also, I live in constant fear that they might just show up at my doorstep or even just call me. I don't really know how to deal with that.
Try looking at Terri Cole’s work on boundaries, I felt the same then did her work-totally empowering. Good luck❤
Thank you for being brave and vulnerable.
I am currently reading the secret and got a couple of the others you suggested. Am going to read the deepest well last as feel reading it will be traumatic in itself. Have always believed that childhood trauma is linked to health issues but have never learnt how to disconnect the two. I am the cycle breaker in my family, its tough and makes me feel lost. This has helped so will read it and hopefully move my cycle breaking on a few steps.
SPREAD the HOPE and HEALING
I cried while taking the test and I cried with you when you cried. It’s hard to have to experience these things, and hard to remember them. Thank you so much for being open and vulnerable with us. I’m a bit younger and you’re someone I really look up to. It gives me hope to see someone not only survive their childhood trauma but thrive, and have a beautiful family. I wish you nothing but the best. ❤
They don’t talk enough about, taking care of an aging parent who was also your abuser. I currently am taking care of my 94 year old mom who was my abuser and caused me great trauma. Through therapy I have been able to gain tools to handle each situation that arises but people must understand all because the person becomes old and frail doesn’t mean the abuse stops. They may not have strength but they can still kill you with their words. I wish more attention was given to this.
I also think peer experiences in early childhood could be a significant early childhood experience: e.g. loss/abandonment, bullying
Oh Marissa. You have given me so much to think about. I scored 5 😔 I always think about the “what now” part as I have a tendency to avoid those who trigger a trauma response. Thank you for sharing this.
Beautiful video and such an important topic. I have decided I will break the cycle in my family too and am working hard on healing myself. Sometimes it seems so overwhelming, but I won't give up anymore. Also, it was minimalism that helped me to practice letting go and creating room in my life to face my past. Looking forward to more content like this. Thank you so much for sharing ❤
you are an absolute inspiration to me. I'm 16 and this has definitely changed my thinking, and I will try and use this knowledge to help other young people I know. I hugely respect you and this education you're putting out will help so many people fix or stop themselves from going down harmful life paths.
thank you, sending love.
I have to be honest, I was lead to you today. I have watched your videos in the past (maybe 3) and thought wow, she's so calm and passive. I wasn't searching for anything in particular...I usually search for escape from my reality, which after watching your video today screamed out to me " you have this going on, too!!" Which made me cry.... My saving grace (up to this point) has been my faith, it's a start point. But wow, my puzzle (and missing pieces) is finally making sense after listening to you today. Thank you for having the strength and courage to open up and shining the light on this hidden path. I hug you and send you love. A million thank yous
Sending hugs 🤗 your way - the path to healing is challenging, but it’s SO worth it!!
This resonates with me. I am approaching sixty and I'm still sometimes remembering and realizing something more of how traumatic and damaging my early years were. My interpretation of 'time heals all wounds' is that the further away you move from the trauma, the more outward you are on a virtual bubble with the beginning of the trauma in the centre, the better able you may become to see the full scope of it.
Your saying about hurt people is right - but also: healed people heal people. so thank you for being a healer now
Both of my parents were alcoholic. I was VERY afraid to go home and be at home until I have taken my personal belongings in garbage bags at the age of 21, on the very day my first full time salary was paid. Now I have a wonderful family, and I try to be the mother I always wanted to have. I think I am doing fine but it is a journey that has no end. I send my love and best wishes to you all. It is worth to carry on. Sometimes it is very hard to believe but if we hold on long enough and try to do the right things in life, happiness will be found further down the path ❤
Thank you for sharing your story with us 🙏
The bear 🐻- wonderful picture for emotions. I can relate to the hyper awareness of environment and my score was only a 2! Thanks so much for this awareness - what a blessing you have given in sharing!! 🎉
I love your channel and content because you cover so many more subjects besides just decluttering. ❤
Gosh Marissa, you took my breath away there! Thanks for your calm, gentle leadership on this impactful topic. We're born to brightly shine, nothing else matters ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Yeah I have no idea what ACES are at all. This is new to me.
I don't stress much ever.
You lost so many people in a short length of time. I am truly sorry. Both parents and 8 people in a short span of time is so much to go through (It seems like perhaps you were close to your grandmother and I am sorry she was one of the eight).
You have such a sensitive and beautiful heart, by the way.
I took the ACES test and got my score. Thanks for letting me know. I feel pretty good despite what it stated. I think I went through a lot of healing when I was young to get through things, but there is one person in my life I sometimes struggle with (because they haven't grown at all, nor try to, and still treat people around them poorly - and they have PTSD, COPD, and heart issues). Your score seems higher than mine though, and I am sorry for the things you have gone through. You have a beautiful family and life now and I am sure you have done a lot to make sure that you make a better life for your children than you had. You are doing a great job.
I recently learned about ACE,s amd have a very high score. Great video and I can see the link of hoarding, anxiety along with all of those other statistics ❤🇬🇧❤
Thank you so much for this video, Marissa. I took the quiz and scored 3, and like you I have some questions in my life I will never get answers for, because the people I would need to talk to either are already gone or are not willing to talk certain issues. When I was about six years old, my parents told me that I was adopted and spent my early baby days un a home away from my biological mother. As a kid of six I did not understand that this maybe was the cause of my anxiety towards getting los at strange places or about losing my parents or my fear of "not being able to get home anymore" when my car broke down in the middle of nowhere or we had problems while travelling. Knowing these things now helps me to deal with my anxiety so much better.
Thank you for sharing so many different topics. You have a wonderful way in sharing information.
Thank so much for sharing your vulnerability. I wish I could give you hug or a warm cup of tea. Thank you for this video. I now have this book on a waitlist at my library 🩷
Thanks so much Lailah! ☕️🙏
I love this video so much. I’m a cycle-breaker and I’m trying to encourage my husband to be one too. But he seems to have some rose-colored glasses for his parents and tried to deny that they have any ACEs or that they are the reason for his ACEs. I wish I could share this video with his family without offending them. I hope everyone is able to see their family as human beings rather than perfect people and start to heal these traumas that people pretend don’t exist. I’ve watched it destroy generations and continue.
Keep Loving yourself! ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
I had multiple childhood traumas as a result of two emotionally unavailable parents. Some things might not have come from them, but they were definitely not there to help me through the hard times. I've been working with a therapist to uncover all of those. The amount of crying I did in the past year was several times the crying I'd done in my entire life.
I'm still working on it, but I'm already feeling more often at ease and more loving towards people around me. I can also feel love from ordinary things which I couldn't feel up to this point in life.
I Thank You sincerely! It is so so true. Trauma from childhood can ruin your adulthood. It is so hard to identify your traumas and put work to overcome them. But so worth it for own self and for loved ones around. Every line resonated so much with me and once more confirmed I am on the right way and not making things up being a victim. At the age of 30 started having auto immune issues, depression, sleep problems. But from outside people can envy me. But inside I cry at nights. I am slowly overcoming my traumas and distancing away from people who can hurt me.
Powerful message! Thank you for sharing. I’m interested to see how I can apply this to my trauma of being married to a psychopath for 20 years and being in constant survival mode. I’ve been free for 5 years and it seems like I’m dealing with everything now because in survival mode you can’t. Thank you for bringing these positive messages! ❤
Im not here to be mean but theres no way he were a psychopath if you were with him for 20 years.. i got rid of 3 sociopaths in 3 years. Its easy. Say bye and send em packing. Too many woman since the metoo movement massively exagerate their victimhood.
I survived one. " Covert Narcissist " I wish I'd known earlier. Its very demonic. But I'm headed now. I went and got a lot of help, a lot......and after 4 years. Its the best thing I've ever done.
When u cried it made me cry too.... We all have scars dear. All is well.. God is our healer.... Big hugs from a sister.... Love from India😇
Marisa, thank you for sharing not only your experiences but bringing forward such a wonderful resource as The Deepest Well. We have absolutely no idea what people in our lives or others are dealing with. While I dealt with trauma due to loss I have always been a seeker of knowledge on how to "survive" that trauma in a healthier way. I will share your video & the book with those I know can benefit. I appreciate the strength it took to make this video and relate so much to your vulnerability & sensitivity shown here as you try to help others break the generational cycles.
Thank you so much! I had to cry when you asked the question about the bear living in your house. I grew up with a narcissistic stepdad and this stress that lasted almost two decades is still stored in my body. I realized that the single most important thing for healing is relaxation. We (unconsciously) bring stressors in our life (toxic partners, career ...) so this stress level that we are used to is held up. Because if we don't have this certain level of stress we connect to all the suppressed and very painful feelings that came with our childhood. We don't want to feel this pain so we attract more stress... Only when we actively relax and open ourselves up to experience these feeling then we can truly heal. It is a slow and uncomfortable process but it is so necessary.
Wow!!! Such an important topic! Thank you so much for sharing it on your platform.
Thank you Marissa for sharing about ACES. I had not heard if this before. You did a wonderful job explaining it. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing so others can be helped. God bless you always. ❤
it's so sad, all that happened to you. you are very strong if you talk about it to help others! I think everyone has something like that, but we can do it, especially knowing that we are not alone!
Lovely video. Very important to recognize that past difficult experiences can create negative ways of thinking, feeling and acting. Even more important to recognize that an individual can take actions to change this. Cycle breaking is hard but it is possible.
That explains so much. Just looking at me and my mum. And my mum started to break the cycle of abuse with me. And now I gentle parent and my mum is a huge part of my life.
I really know, what you are talking about. I've been working with my therapist for about a year on my toxic past and CPTSD (Complex Posttraumatic Stress Disorder). Its very hard, it's a lot of work but it really is worth it!
I love your channel and i am very glad that wonderful people like you exist who want to make the world a better place! ❤
Thank you for talking about emotional trauma and how it relates to our stuff. I’m struggling with a parent who can’t acknowledge this and we ignore it
Thank you very much for your tips. I will read this book soon to help myself...
Where to begin!?
You have reached into my nearly 60 yearold soul and touched me.
I will be reading this book. Thank you so very much.
Thank you Marissa 💖✨
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i lost eight people in one year too.. thank you for what you share, 😘
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My love to you as you continue to break the cycle! Thank you for all you do for us.
My ACES score is 5. I'm also a cycle breaker. It hasn't always been an easy journey, but it was important to me to give my sons a better childhood than the one I endured. Thank you SO MUCH for being open, honest & sensitive to this highly personal topic.
I just came across your videos and they are very peaceful, enlightening, and a breath of fresh air. I am not a minimalist but you have inspire me to declutter in all the areas of my life. I am happy to know that God blessed you with a big family (even if they are your in-laws) and that your kids will grow up surrounded by many people that love them.🙏
Thanks a lot Marissa. You helped me so much! Lovexxx from France. Anne.
Beautiful video! I'm a cycle breaker and I've been on my healing journey with earnest for about 5 years. One thing I might suggest to others looking to heal is to cultivate your awareness. Becoming aware of your triggers, or even emotions (that's where I had to start), how certain words feel in your body, how certain words and actions fuel or drain you. Cultivating your awareness and using that always as your fiat step in healing will really accelerate and help your journey❤
I am also a cycle breaker but wasn't aware of the aces. I followed your link and took it and my score was 10. I'm not surprised and had a feeling when I watched this video that I would. I follow you for so many reasons but mostly because I relate to your generational clutter/hording. I'm trying to work on my home and self and your so honest and real. Thank you so much for putting yourself out there. ❤
Thank you and glad to have you here! ☺️❤️
Thank you for sharing this. This video is particularly powerful - finally someone has addressed this on CZcams. Sending peace and love from Singapore. 🙏
Thank you for sharing ❤ I feel you and send you hugs and support. I'm on my way too, even started to cry with you while watching the video.
In a way I think that minimalism and decluttering is an intuitive approach to get rid of everything unnecessary, both mental and physical
That's why the Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs never addressed my stress. When you are unsafe, fear and anxiety makes everything impossible. 💜
Thanks for sharing! I'm in the process of breaking my generation traumas as well. Growing up in China, born as a girl, being physically abused by my own mother ( she used to sit on me and choke me, at the age of 30 I still wake up from nightmares, feeling suffocating)😢 it's not easy! But I can do it!
Thank you so much for this. I did the test and scored 6. I was aware I had an addictive personality so consciously stepped away fro smoking, drinking, drugs but I do have food problems caused by the trauma and toxic stress. I did counselling training, studied meditation practice and had personal therapy. I do need to work on the connection to food fear. Thanks for the video - you are a a total lotus flower blooming. Ps I’ve ordered the book.
Omg this is insane! I am a plus four aces, and while I know it’s bad, so bad that I fought hard to push through those negative things, ensured I wasn’t in poverty, delayed having children until I was financially secure, made sure I had a safe partner etc, I can’t save myself from everything. I recognize the things I have done to cope in the past and the present. I just never had a name to put to it before.
You could not imagine...... When i listen this about the bear i realized that my answer could be that my choise is to hiding in bears hug ........ And that it could be the best discription of my life ......always hidden beside of fears and not at all boldness to active ...to do .....to stay front of my fears !!! Thank you for this finding !!!! I am watching you two years before or more and that is the first moment you found my key !!!!! Thank you again !!!!
Sending virtual hugs and healing to you ✨🙏✨
Thank you for your generous, frank, and caring message. I went to counselling for years and attended Alanon. (Many similarities there.)