20 Signs of CoDependency and Tips to Address Them
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- čas přidán 14. 08. 2022
- Dr. Dawn-Elise Snipes is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Qualified Clinical Supervisor. She received her PhD in Mental Health Counseling from the University of Florida in 2002. In addition to being a practicing clinician, she has provided training to counselors, social workers, nurses and case managers internationally since 2006 through AllCEUs.com 20 #Signs of #CoDependency and #Tips to Address Them
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I grew up with a depressed alcoholic mother and an older sister who emotionally abused me. My Daddy was loving but, was caught up with my mom and sister and older alcoholic brother all the time. I was always trying to make everyone happy. In my first marriage I realized I was co dependent and married to a sociopath. It has been a constant struggle to not fall back into it. I was a psych RN for 25 years or I would probably never have learned. I read co dependent no more in 1991 and it changed my life.
Hey man. I hope you feel better and address these problems to live a richer life. I truly feel sorry for you. It is not your fault.
I’m sure your self esteem (how you feel about yourself) is majorly damaged by these traumatic events.
Excuse me if you’re a girl but if you look at No More Mr Nice Guy Hero’s Journey (Michael Pariser”, original author Robert Glover, you can find some pretty good stuff that can help you heal. The author has a similar childhood of what you mentioned and lays out good therapeutic processes to help recover the dysfunction you went through, boy or girl.
Another book is Healing your Emotional Self by Beverely Engel. This one is my favourite and im currently doing it. Its for those who were abused, neglected or abandoned and wish to heal their self esteem and the dysfunction rooting in those childhood days. Same thing, psychotherapist with good processes and techniques that help you heal. Then you can always call up a therapist to help you if you need so or even bring up those techniques. And its all for the cost of $30-$40! Good luck on your healing, it’s a long one but remember that these things are possible to heal no matter how hard they are. I hope you take the time to take care of yourself so the future you can live happier, healthier and richer.
It’s called people pleasing. It’s exhausting.
I am a woman. I'm much better at these issues now but, thanks for your concern and yes I is exhausting!
stay humble and work on yourself as much as you want. we're all humans and no matter what therapy is taken, a lot of problem are made by other humans or our own human behaviours. is there really a solution to being human?
Depressed alcoholic mother, emotionally abusive older sister. You just described my childhood…
I love how in depth this is and realizing I think I may be codependent in my relationships I'm freaking out because I'm scared that I'm never going to be able to fix myself. I'm fearful that I won't be able to learn how to change so my life can get better. I wish they taught this type of stuff in school like they do math. 😔 In life we learn so much stuff that seems to be irrelevant but stuff like this that seems more important we have to dig for.
I appreciate you watching. If you’re interested in codependency, you can find other videos on it at: czcams.com/users/DocSnipessearch?query=codependency
I can relate, it’s scary to think and feel you’ll never be fixed and something’s wrong :/. I have learnt it’s a learned thing so we can unlearn 🤷♀️ I hope so !
If you can find an inperson codependent group nearby, I would suggest checking it out,, its very helpful, bc others just like you.
It's definitely a journey. Take it one step at a time (you've identified and have a desire to change which honestly, can be the hardest part), and give your self grace ♥
I know exactly how you feel I am struggling with the same fears
Everyone who's reading this, I pray that whatever is hurting or whatever you are constantly stressing about gets better. May the dark thoughts, the overthinking, the doubt exit your mind right now. May replace confusion. May peace and calmness fill your life ❤❤
Can I get some followers please? 😊🙏
Thanks for watching.
Thank you, thats very kind of you.
I’m so happy that our understanding of psychology is where it’s at… everyone who studied this stuff and helped ppl throughout all these years.
Amazing and I’m so grateful.
This entire video is spot on for me.
Thanks for watching! Wishing you peace, health, and, happiness.
Well said! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Recovering co-dependent here. I have always given sooooo much that I finally tapped out and moved away from everything and everyone I know so I could start over and find out who I am.
I really struggle with boundaries of altruism vs self, ie: we are brought up believing that to give to others is Holy vs doing things for my self and being viewed as selfish. I don't know where that line is yet 🤷♀️
Thats a proverbs line or something. Doc snipes talks about this in one of her videos, I think its being your own best friend. What she said and what line basically means is that sure its okay to have humility and give to others but not at the cost of your own health and needs. You have to take care of yourself first and then anything else left you can spend that energy to help other people.
@@krash6951 Exactly. As I've heard people say, you can't pour from an empty cup. Taking care of yourself allows you to pour into others. ❤
It’s so hard to see that line when were so deeply conditioned. And made to feel guilty for having a sense of self. It’s like the airplane analogy you have to put the oxygen on yourself first before you can save anyone else. So there’s nothing selfish with taking care of self actually when we learn to care for self we’re actually a lot more healthy for others.
Me too. 😩
Nor do I @ 50 and smart af. So.....not sure it is possible for me.
When you grow up in extrem Christian surroundings and familiy, where they tell you to be a sacrificing being and to be specially a martyr mother (plus duffering other childhood problems and difficult household), it gets incredible difficult to break out codependency and also be a normal Jesus follower. Because not only do you have to correct all this bad things that happend to you but also find a new realtionship to Jesus and GOD and build up a healthy beliefsystem.
I appreciate you watching. If you’re interested in codependency, you can find other videos on it at: czcams.com/users/DocSnipessearch?query=codependency
This is exactly my problem. I feel in a way the church was partly to blame, plus a narcissistic mother, for my anxiety and feeling insecure
This was so educational!!! I am 60 years old and barely realizing where my codependency came from. It finally makes sense to me. You have described me perfectly. I am going to do the work to change this behavior. It feels uncomfortable but I have to take the first step or I will never change. Thanks a million!!!!
You’re most welcome. I appreciate you watching the video
Me too. I feel too old 49
Excellent, top notch work. Please don't stop coming up with these videos!
Thanks, will do!
Hi, my name is Laine. I just wanted to take a minute to thank you for having these amazing classes on CZcams. I listen to them & save them to share with others. Your classes have changed my life . Especially in the area of childhood trauma, 0:09 codependency & abandonment issues. Thank you so very much 🙏🏽👍🏽
Couldn't help but laugh at all this - SO many freaking terms and diagnoses to coin who I am after childhood neglect and cptsd. I guess i'm adding this term to my list!!! This is SO ME. My reactions to anything that disrupts my sense of safety- even the most minor risk and inconvenience I am OVER THE TOP with my reaction! Anything where I feel confined, limited, disrupted, unsafe, I go into a complete state of PARANOIA. Like when a lease is ending my heart races in fear- fear the leasing office will not let me continue my lease (for no logical reason). Sometimes i'll be abrasive to test how stable my bearings are- almost like risking the foundation confirms how likely the barriers are to collapse. Being abrasive and unlikable also keeps me safe from users. Im SICKKK! Whats mind boggling is I am also a avoidant attachment personality- so i'll be disassociated and detached and feel nothing for much of anything or anyone yet i'm jittery anxious and codependent and extreme in misc situations. This can't be my life!!!
Thanks for watching. Wishing you peace, health, and happiness.
When I feel rejected, I feel this way. Out on a limb.
Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge 😊
I feel that this is for me completely !!!😭I allowed many people to take advantage of me because of that tendency to please and do all that I thought I needed to keep others from leaving me!! 💔🖤😭😢I had a very critical and demanding parent while the other left when I was 8. Now I’m a woman, happily married but trying to help others I wrecked havoc my finances and then friends or relatives left anyways!
Absolutely stellar; as always 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻😊⭐️
Thanks for watching.
Ross Rosenberg (author of Human magnet syndrome) says that CoDependency does not exist - instead it is lack of self love.
He says that behaviour or care, fawning, empathizing that follow codependency trait - is not pathology at all. That all these behaviours actually work in healthy relationship - whereas if we attract toxic people - these urges become pathology.
Our need to explain that is part of abuse, where we are conditioned to be perfect and that we must always have solution in order not to cause pain or temper tantrum in other people. That it is somehow our responsibility how other people feel.
In healthy relationship other people would not exploit us or our learned behaviour. They would not parasite over our need to work anything up and solve things beyond our control. If we had self love, self acceptance, all these unhealthy learned behaviour would vanish off. Trauma prevents us from self love and self validation.
I would focus on self acceptance rather than picking up on our traits that appear to be codependent. These are safety mechanisms. If we are able to love ourselves, we will reject toxic people and toxic habits - and safety mechanisms will fall off naturally - since there will be no triggers, no danger, no flashbacks and picking up on trauma wound.
If we decide to go into civil war with our bad habits - we will develop toxic shame, already present inside us due to abuse and toxic people whom we attracted in our lives until now.
As long as we have toxic shame, and as long as we have no self love inside us - nothing will work to heal bad habits and without self love we will never be able to learn healthy defense strategies.
Great masters in trauma work such as Peter Levine and Gabor Mate are keep talking that addictions we have - such as codependent behaviour - will not be able to heal if we choose to hate parts of ourselves. IF we do not understand that we are not bad, evil people - we will not be able to understand that there is nothing to fix inside us. If we believe that we must comply to some standards of superiority, being without mistakes - this will make us believe that we are wrong by default. This message that we are not bad person is very hard to understand for targets of trauma, mobbing, bullying and abuse - since the abuse itself is successful attack on our core, self worth. This way, meddling with our mistakes only add up to toxic shame.
When we develop self acceptance - we will be able to "fix" anything that is wrong with us - like inability to say No.
We will be able to leave things unresolves - without need to fix someone's comment and allegations.
This ability to leave things unresolved is huge recovery tip.
With instruction (very often present in CBT, self help books and mentors) we believe that we must solve and resolve life - and this belief that we must improve keeps us hooked in codependency and self hate.
With abuse we try to fix others and external events and situations - we were conditioned to perform magical acts and to be superhuman in order to be validated, not ignored and accepted.
I would focus on our ability to leave things unresolved and see if it helps in calming anxiety and hypervigilance issues. What will happen - toxic people around us will go beserk when we leave arguments, situations, events, things unresolved - and this will be litmus test how to detect covert narcissists in our lives.
With self hate we try to get closure - since we have self hate inside, we do not have self worth from which we would otherwise draw light, love, confidence and happiness. Instead, the abuse and toxic shame is driving us to seek approval from others to feel nice, kind, happy and accepted from external resources.
Thanks for watching.
@Bruce Waynesjustice Melody is amazing , too.
Human condition is not a box. We cannot put a label on something intangible.
What works for some people will never work for another.
What one experience is totally different from other people -
this is why it is important to see all information, not only one.
That is why it is important to talk about it freely, without censorship.
This is crucial, since wrong information - even when it is given with good intentions - can make us stay stuck in labyrinth forever.
Ross is great expert in codependency issues, I would encourage you to listen to his videos. He does not deny codependency per se - in fact he wants us to take different angle.
If we label ourselves as codependent, we will start to believe that caring for other people is sick, illness. In the process of labelling we might do additional more damage than good.
Caring for someone's emotional state is sign of empathy and love - it works in healthy, normal relationship - where there is normal and sane person on the other side.
It turns into pathology when the other person is toxic, selfish, without empathy and full of evil.
thank you for this comment it's exactly what I was looking for and exactly what I needed
@@Onnamusic 1 year later on - and I discovered that codependency is not abnormality. We all form our identity based on other people - this is totally normal. It is called Looking Glass Self, discovered by Cooley in 1902.
I think psychiatry is pathologizing our human daily experience and we end up with shame, guilt and blame - believing that our natural instincts are abnormal and sick, and then end up hating ourselves.
The only problem were and always will be toxic people. We need to minimize exposure to toxic people as much as it is possible, for our mental health. Instead of pathologizing ourselves.
I have found the absolute best content on the internet. Thank you Doc Snipes.
So welcome. I appreciate you watching. Other videos on codependency that might help you can be found at: czcams.com/users/DocSnipessearch?query=codependency
This video is very informative and helpful. In my case, it illustrates how far I’ve come in the past 30-some years in my quest to NOT be codependent. It also reminds me I’m proud of my progress
Thanks for watching! Wishing you peace, health, and, happiness.
Wow. Thank you so much. Love and gratitude from Egypt
You are so welcome.
Thanks for the information. I like the way you explain Codependency, clear and easy to understand
Thanks for watching.
I feel so hopeless. I don’t think that I ever be able to have a healthy relationship, I don’t even have idea how that looks or how I’m supposed to act if not in the same controlling way. I panic every time that I think I have to let go…
Powerful and very impactful
You’re welcome. I appreciate you watching
Good video thanks for putting this out
Thanks for watching.
Thank you for your thoroughness.
You’re so welcome. I am grateful to be of help and I appreciate you watching the video. What did you find most useful from it? Other videos you might be interested in can be found at czcams.com/users/DocSnipessearch?query=codependency
Most important video for poeple suffering from codependency issues. Thanks.
You’re so welcome. I am grateful to be of help and I appreciate you watching the video. What did you find most useful from it? Other videos you might be interested in can be found at czcams.com/users/DocSnipessearch?query=codependency
Brilliant video !!! Thank you kindly Doctor Snipes !
Thank you for watching
Thank you for a great work. This video is awesome, the explanation is perfect. A lot of stuff to think about in more proactive ways
You’re most welcome. Thank you so much for watching the video
I can't finish this video now, it is too on point even though nothing is new. But I wanted to say thank you for the video.
Thanks for watching.
What a brilliant video. Thank you! What a long, strange trip it's been... (so far) 👍
Glad you enjoyed it!
Just came to terms that this is me. My childhood was very chaotic and now I am a mother and I feel like I’m drowning right now.
I am sorry your childhood was chaotic and I appreciate you watching the video
This was a very helpful video. I am working on these issues and I swear this type of information keeps popping up just when I need it most. Thank you for sharing this, it really does help people!
Glad it was helpful!
thank you.. ❤️
Very nice and lucid talk
Thank you for your kind words and for watching the video
I feel this deeply. It's me.. I will heal this definitely, challenge accepted!
Thank you for watching the video. You can find videos on codependency at: czcams.com/users/DocSnipessearch?query=codependency
Also, you can find worksheets on codependency at: DocSnipes.com
I realize I was raised by a codependent mom. Even as a child I was so intrigued with people and families that express authentic emotions but I didn’t know how to put this in words. I still struggle showing my true emotions too, and honestly I find it easier to just be alone, but that’s not ideal to be avoidant. And I watch my mom still struggle to this day, and it’s sad she has never received help for this condition or is even aware of it.
Thanks for watching the video and for sharing
That's just perfect!
Thanks for watching.
Thank you❤❤❤
You’re so welcome. I appreciate you watching. If you’re interested in codependency, you can find other videos on it at: czcams.com/users/DocSnipessearch?query=codependency
I have been following along with some of your videos for a while now. Thank you for your work! With this video in particular what were the tips to address these symptoms? I feel like I missed it or it wen over my head.
Hello! You can find videos on codependency here: czcams.com/users/DocSnipessearch?query=codependency
You can also find worksheets to help you address codependency at: docsnipes.com/tag/codependency/
Wow this is my mother to a tee (including the chaotic, anger filled childhood). And I see some of these traits in me as I try to deal with her, control her reactions, etc. This was very helpful!
Thanks for watching and for sharing!
I often make my boundaries into walls...
My fear of rejection is so strong it ain't funny!!
I have such low self worth, that as she was describing to me exactly how guilty and ashamed I feel for the things that have gone on in my life I'm thinking "yeah, but it's actually my fault." Jesus Christ, I need therapy.
I am sorry about that and I appreciate you watching the video. You can find videos on codependency at: czcams.com/users/DocSnipessearch?query=codependency
We also have self help courses and worksheets on Codependency at: docsnipes.com
Almost 40 and just realizing I may be codependent. Grew up in a broken, highly physically and emotionally abusive home with a mentally ill parent. I'm dealing with bad depression as a wife and mother even tho I'd say my life is considered pretty idyllic. But I'm realizing my pattern of doing everything I possibly can to gain love and approval through works and self sacrifice and never feeling enough. I have no clue what I like for myself. I just morph into what others like. I'm simply exhausted. Was put on SSRI a few years ago and honestly can't say it's helped all that much. Will therapy really help me?
I am sorry about that and I appreciate you watching the video. Research suggests therapy might be helpful for you
This sounds very similar to BPD/EUPD @Doc Snipes how do you differentiate between the two? I have BPD but this sounds like my symptoms
Me too I just realized this
Ooooooof. 😓
Thank you for your work. 🙏
Thanks for watching.
Boy do I need help.
Thanks for watching.
I don't think you need to have been in a terrible childhood situation to have developed this problem.
I think my mother and grandmother developed a sense that no one was there for them, and being conditionally loveable, just by being in a big family, or being in an orphanage. My mum loves me but doesn't express it as much as I'd like. And she's a teacher, so I have that story of feeling like a kid who is in trouble. And I always felt that if I was in trouble or naughty or made a mistake then I was unlovable. So being loved, and even loving myself, became conditional on me always being successful, positive and achieving and doing the right thing.
Thank you for watching the video and for sharing
Hi Dr. Isn’t it very similar to borderline personality disorder?
Many symptoms overlap. I appreciate you watching.
This is so interesting. I remember attenpting codependency as a child. Thinking ok, my mum lashes out and hits me so bad and it makes me feel unsafe and miserable. Let me be extra good, be the perfect child and all this will stop. It never worked, her emotions and instability were guiding her not my behaviour, that's when I decided it wasn't efficient and the only way for me to feel safe was numb out stay away as much as possible and probably developped there and then an avoidant attachment style. I can't relate wirh anything on the list except the last one. I yearn for love but at the first sign of anger from a partner I see flashbacks of abuse and feel the urge to check out. Need to work on that big time. It sure is not healthy, my partner is entitled to express anger, in healthy proportion ofc but it seems that since I repress mine, considering it such a bad out of control trait, I don't really allow for a partner to display any themselves either, and even when I do, I look down on it, that's not fair and irrealistic. Thank you very much for the video, so insightful.
You’re most welcome. Thank you for watching the video.
10:34 people pleasing, covert contract
Thanks for watching!
A lot of times I don't feel comfortable iny own skin..
I'm a conclusion jumper too...
They hurt other people that aren’t their love focus. I have a sister like this.Very hurtful, manipulative.
I am sorry about that and I appreciate you watching the video. What did you find most helpful from it? Please remember you can watch the video on identifying and responding to toxic people and behaviors to help you in the relationship with your sister.
it is like you know my Childhood yes there was violence i grew with supper violent parents who also had addiction and i was parentifyed child i want to heal and find psychologist
I am sorry you had such a rough childhood. Here is the video on healing the inner child: czcams.com/video/IKJPtpaNP2A/video.htmlsi=lvPM26U4suTJT0X5
Can a person be co-dependant because of past traumas and experiences without the current partner being a dysfunctional person and the co-dependant just act that way out of patterns of the past?
Unlikely, you may want to do some serious introspection.
i can relate some of the signs but not all of them
Thanks for watching and for sharing
I engage in a lot of black and white thinking...
Ive suffered having a relationship with my sister,because shes in a co dependent relationship,all things we used to do ,she now does with her partner, but wont do anything with me ,otherwise he gets upset 😢this has gone on for 4 years ,i feel shes loosing herself ,everytime ive breached this,she blows up in my face,telling me im poking my nose in her bussiness,i just wanted a relatiinship with my sister ,im at the point of just giving up on her ,as ive made friends of my own now
I am sorry about the relationship with your sister and I appreciate you watching the video
Is this different from bad?
Thank you so much for watching. What is your favorite tip from the video, a tip you find extremely helpful in addressing codependency?
That was meant to be bpd, I have watched some of your other videos and there seems to be so much cross over. I went through counselling on codependency from the women’s refuge in the uk. My best tip to anyone is to expect a standard of treatment that you would wish for your own child or best friend. Don’t accept less or put yourself in a less important position than that. The Drama triangle is a hugely important illustration and the best thing is to step out of the game , get off the roundabout because it’s impossible to rescue anyone else anyway. Concentrate on rescuing yourself.
I'm assuming it means I'm codependent if I'm more confused on what to work on and not sure if I do these things after watching this video 😭
Thank you for watching. Other videos you might be interested in can be found at: czcams.com/users/DocSnipessearch?query=codependency
My anger gets quite intense at times ..
It seems like you are combining codependency and enabler. Are they the same? What happens when a codependent gets together with a narcissistic partner?
I can see that coming from an abusive/neglectful home, I am absolutely codependent. My husband is a narcissist. We’ve been together for over 30 years. It felt wrong for so long but I didn’t know what was wrong. I realize we are both such a mess, we can’t stay together.
I appreciate you watching
I need help to get out of this I don't even know who I am
I am sorry you are struggling with codependency. You can find videos on it at: czcams.com/users/DocSnipessearch?query=codependency
We also have self help courses and worksheets on Codependency at: docsnipes.com
I'm so hard on myself it ain't funny!!
How can i get therapy this is me all the way
Me too. 😭
4:26
I think you are one of the top two on my list your fantastic I just hired a therapist face time for the first time I gave her the five people I follow just gave yours now it’s time as a great makeupartist I value myself and need that highest level in my business I took care of my inner child ten years so a little and alote of everything studying my side and family dysfunction all our dysfunctional behaviors are different found that out the hard way but your amazing even though I’m in therpy now I will continue my search never took drugs or drink mine was shopping and unavailable husbands of twenty years each they were all different just finished my life story but will be writing more I’m going to be 68 January and now I profess my healing with masters like you thank you oh so much ❤@lorraineamicothemakeupartist
I appreciate you watching, Lorraine. If you’re interested in codependency, you can find other videos on it at: czcams.com/users/DocSnipessearch?query=codependency