How to Deal with Feeling Guilty for saying âNOâ | Stephanie Lyn Coaching
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- Äas pĆidĂĄn 28. 05. 2018
- #mentalhealth #stephanielyncoaching #narcissisticabuse #emotionalabuse #selflove
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I started on this path over 15 years ago and haven't looked back. Use EVERY opportunity where someone tries to manipulate you, or make you feel bad for disappointing them, to stand up for yourself and affirm that you have the right to say no and that you are only responsable for your own emotions and reactions, and if anyone feels disappointed I assure you it will get easier to let them be with that feeling and own it and not take any responability for their emotions and reactions. It has gotten to the point where in nearly all cases I no longer even hesitate and I no longer feel guilty, so I'd say that's pretty much goal achieved right there. :)
This is exactly what I went through as a child into adulthood. Feeling guilty saying no. Enabling people and putting myself last. And yes, no boundaries and have attracted bullies and abusive people most of my life.
Iâm sorry youâve experienced this. Saying no is hard but so worth it
Iâm going through that right now this video was very helpful.
Me too sweetheart, thank God for Lynn, I was molested from age 4-6 years old by my step grandfather, my dad dies when I was 2 years old, so Iâm pretty sure thereâs the root of my problem saying no, and my codependent issues. Thank you for sharing â€
It's beyond not being given validation. It's about having been actively and consistently invalidated.
i grew up being people pleaser because I dont like conflict and true I attract toxic people. my daughter shows me that she put her happiness on others and I hope she wont go on the same path like I did.
I needed this because I tend to say, "Yes" when I don't want to. Most of the people around me all dominate me and I give in to "keep peace". I just said, "no" to a friend that invited herself over for Thanksgiving. I am not going over to my sisters homes and don't want to go anywhere period. I just want to be at home and rest. When I muster up enough courage to say, "No" is often met with, "Why?" Then I feel like I must make excuses or even lie not to hurt anyone's feelings or get the attitudes of my not wanting to do something.
Gosh I wish I'd had you in my life years ago. Thank you for taking the time to put such an in depth yet easy to understand video. đ
same here
Me too.
â€ïžâ€ïžâ€ïž
I'm divorcing someone with covert narcissistic characteristics and he always shamed and guilted me (still does) any time I attempted to deny whatever it was he wanted, so in some new relationships I'm nurishing I'm blown away at how I can say no to them and not get ANY backlash. It's amazing! I was afraid of their reactions at first, but they consistently respected my "no"s and I now see that I don't need to fear feeling aweful about saying no. Infact they want to make sure I'm doing what's best for ME! Not what's best for them.
I don't have much of a problem anymore. But I used to, even if I do feel "bad' for saying no, I don't worry about it because I have much more clarity on my personal boundaries. Being truthful to myself is number one. It's not always easy but it's getting easier. Getting older comes with great perks like that, I give less and less crap about what people think of me. It's their business.
This is SO me. Now that I think about it, I just now realized ALL of my family members (mom, dad and sis) as well as my husband, with whom Iâve separated from for 3 months and counting, all have a hard time hearing NO. All of them either attempt to override those boundaries OR pull a big guilt trip until I give in. I am a people pleaser apparently and it doesnât help that I also like to help people at the same time. I have such a hard time saying no EVEN if I want to. I read this quote from a Boundaries book and it stated how I feel PERFECTLY:
âPeople-pleasers believe assertiveness is harsh, setting limits is rude and requesting that our needs be met is demanding and selfish... They feel guilty for expressing their needs.â
âThey fear the anger or judgement of others and fear being thought of as self-centered. They fear losing love, friendship or approval.â
- Boundaries After a Pathological Relationship, by Adelyn Birch
And you are INCREDIBLE. Your videos are definitely eye-opening and healing. Much love â€ïž
Thank you for providing the quote & name/author of the book on boundaries; I'm going to pick up a copy. All the best to you on your healing journeyđ»
Mo Sim, Glad I helped!!
Anna Rosario Updating my journal & going to buy the book. All the best to you!
Mo Sim, Thatâs great! Best wishes on your journey towards healing! Weâve all got this!!
This is 100% a real struggle for me, I am working on it, and I know I was the victim, I just never want anyone to feel how I did, so I always do more than I should.
Shirley Jones But itâs a good thing that you recognize that and are consciously taking steps to change it.
My mom was very manipulative & very abusive so, unfortunately, I know more than a bit about it .I agree with everything you have s as I'd. But my mom, for instance, will throw a fit & say to me the most horrible things if I say no . But on her side she can through me out her home if she doesn't get on the spot what she wants . It always has been that way with her . So I keep away from her to save my sanity . I have to say that her childhood was in concentration camps , living in the streets starving , hiding in a box and much worth , so she has no clue what is normal . Comper to her life my life were & is fantastic .
It isn't true that my life is so fantastic , but it's got better since I don't a man in my life.
( Although my last boyfriend was an absolute gentleman & amazing guy in my heart , and brain I wasnt there . I felt very strangled /suffecated, when I told this man that I need to be alone more ,I found myself crying when he was coming to take me to dinners & stuff like that eventually I couldn't cope with his needs for us to be together so eventually we separated . I felt I have no privacy at all .
I was always problematic with relationships. The last gentleman that was my boyfriend ,I promise you plenty of women would love to have such a guy . )
My miserable mom is very controlling,also because she had no minimal control over her life as a child so now she is radically on the opposite side . Most of my life I was investing in her a lot of knowledge , but she doesn't really give a fuc_ on me and my siblings . It's all about her all the time . So I pulled away . I am living far away from her . And unfortunately we seldom keep on touch . Last time I called her about 2 month ago she told her help " I don't want to talk/ speak to her ( to me ) " loud enough so I could hear that .
She is very upset & hurt that I dont call her every day , but if I call her every day she which makes her so happy , ecstatic from happiness like a little child , but for me ,too often it makes me feel very bad,very depressed . She is an old lady , & very sick lady . Both my parents destroyed my life not because they wanted to , not at all but because they had a horrific childhood & for m as my years they had a very very hard life . So I do feel very guilty not talking to my mom as often as she needs it , but I cannot handle talking to her every day .
She was very brutal to me also Psychically, never gave me any love , no kisses ,no hugs, not a good word , no money , always criticizing me, never wanted to give me any education above high school. In short it was very crazy & very very damaging & hurtful .
What would you do if you were me ?
Great advice, as I am a recovering codependent my favourite saying is 'saying no to you, means saying yes to me'. Works every time.
"So, am I creating a story, and I don't even know if its going to happen yet?"
Yep. This is me. Co-Dependency meets anxiety disorder, wowee not a fun combo but so helpful to have someone break it down so well. Thanks again Steph.
We all create stories in our minds. This is about learning to recognize that this behavior is not because you were programmed to live in fear and worry. Maybe not intentionally but now you have to reprogram yourself to not believe those stories that are not real. Itâs like believing monsters live under your bed. You got this!
Just what I needed today having had to say No to my wife and her sister in law, who needed help yesterday, I got backlash but I knew I wasnât being selfish I was doing what was right for me & whilst it got to me a bit that my wife was really disappointed with me I was able to hold myself BUT it still played on my mind overnight so finding this video has 100% assured me that I did the right thing for me and that is their journey. †Thank you as always Stephanie.
Oh thank you so much for posting this video. Was conditioned by my own family to always put their happiness before my own health and wellness. I have always had a problem with saying no without guilt because everytime I tired they would get verbal/emotionally abusive and sometimes physical. I have recently walked away from my family which should be a great feeling, but I still feel so much guilt about it.
Jennifer Schwarzenberg youâre not alone. Itâs ok to help here and there but when they make more withdrawals than deposits you have a problem. You end up an empty vessel with no awareness of who you are. I would say build yourself up on a solid foundation and setting boundaries before even acknowledging them. Trust me, youâre sanity is worth it. I donât know if you are religious or not but scripture will help you as well. Jesus will always be there when others are not. Good luck and God bless.
Guilt, shame, manipulation growing up... I definitely need to here this. Thank you.
Doing what's best for me is priority. Saying yes to me can upset others from time to time and that's ok. You can't please everyone so start with yourself. Stay true to you by boundaries of glue đ
Yeah I always thought "you have no right to complain, you had a great childhood!" But my folks just stayed together when they probably should have split, I was their baggage through decades of narc/codependent bs. Love them both so much, I guess it "works" for them.
Steph you are amazing,your videos help to heal. My morning starts with you and my cup of coffee. You are a wonderful human being ))
Dobrev Dobrev thank you so much!! I am so glad they are helping đ
hello my name is elis I am from Roatan Honduras I always felt guilty for saying no to people who I should have been saying no to just to not disappoint that person n always end up disappointed myself but these videos has really helped me n I am thankful for that
Listening to this at work with tears just rolling down my face. This is my lifeâs biggest struggle.
I never use CZcams but I opened the app and this video came up first thing. This is exactly what I needed to listen to today, THANK YOU! â€ïž
The way you explained "people pleasing", really resonated with me! I have a history of being a major people pleaser... thankfully aware of it now, and working on myself. Thanks so much!
I am writing this comment just after reading the title, without even watching the video. thanks a lot for this video. the kind of guilt I feel for saying no is almost crippling me. thanks again for making such enlightening videos!!
Thank you for watching! I am so glad you enjoyed the video.
This was so helpful. Iâve watched a lot about codependency and still didnât quite get it. This made it all click. Thank you
Everything you say is so relatable! Thank you đ you're helping me so much in my journey đ
Because I lived with it constantly for over 32 years, it's hard for me to believe there are people out there that will be OK if I say no to them. Almost a year ago, I blocked my entire family because they are all horrible narcissists and constantly made me feel like everything was my fault. One of the best decisions of my life, taking toxic people out of my life. Now working from the ground up with relationships, it's hard for me to really trust anyone and hard to gauge when making new friends, when to say no.
I have recently started learning to say no to people I am close to, this video was helpful in understanding why I need to for myself and for others also. Thank you.
When someone gives me the feeling that they are entitled to my services or property I learned and feel ok when saying no . I just got tired of being used. Why can't some people just accept no and stop giving reasons?
I am a âwhyâ person too ! Gemini, extrovert, and empath. I sometimes down myself for not being able to say no, then I watch what happens when I donât or take too long and I either explode and look âcrazy,â or I reAp the emotions of time wasted
Stephanie, words canât explain how much your videos have helped me during this difficult time I am going through. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Sending you so much love. You have really touched me with the content you share on here. You have changed my life for the better.
You have the best voice for this
This is really helpful, thank you! I have not come across videos that talk about emotional abuse in this way, and I am happy I finally have.
THANK YOU for sharing this information and insight to why we feel that way. I've always been a people pleaser and it's been, and still is, very difficult not feeling guilty about saying no at certain times.
Youâre beautiful inside and out Stephanie ! You help a lot of ppl.
Wow. This was amazing! Iâm saving this video when I need it. It helped me today. You are amazing.
Great video! In my search for answers I hear much more about what the narcissist or emotional abuser does and how to spot it. I was very tired of hearing that, thinking it would help me. This video is a positive step forward! Thank you
I wish I knew this years ago!!! I have always felt like I wanted to please everyone but myself now I'm done with that!! I must start putting myself first.... I'm involved in a narcissistic relationship that has drained me because of this....
Can you do more family videos đ saying no to family staying with you or asking for favors ??đđ
Iâm feeling guilty for being assertive and stating my boundaries in dating. A video on this would be amazing x
I have a neighbor I started dating 3 months ago, and now he wants to hang out every single night of the week, Iâm exercising No more beginning today.
Thank you. You are doing an amazing thing for ppl like me. I am starting to reparent with little support bcuz they were almost my only support... I am sticking to your videos thank you
@Stephanie Lyn Coaching Thank you for sharing your knowledge, information like this is so needed to heal wounds that are so much easier to ignore. So happy i found your channel
Thank-you for this video and your explanation why we feel guilty and itâs ok to put ourselves first.
You are a great person . Your contribution to people's life is HUGE and very crucial. Wish more people out there like you all around the world. Wish you all the best Stephanie (!).
Thank you so much for making this video! It helped me a lot!!
Thank you so much! I have needed to hear this message for way too long!
You have no idea how much helpful this video is. X
I'm a why person too and seriously this has really helped me understand I'm just mind blown right now that I really reflect and your total right it has came from my past growing up. I can't believe it only took this video to get me to understand everything .. thank you so much â€ïžâ€ïžâ€ïžâ€ïž
Youâve helped allot !! đ Namaste I appreciate your words Beautiful!
thank u stephanie...u r doing a service on a level which is open for one and all..I don't know how to thank u
Thank you for your videos. Going through a divorce currently. The content you give is helping me to realize when the emotional abuse is happening (or happened) and not feeling guilty in saying "no" when holding strong to my boundaries. Thank you
Thanks for all the great advice and counsel!
Thank you for this session. Often times I would always do things to make other people happy. I am now learning the word "no" and its ok.
What a timing! đž
You are amazing stephanie i am so glad i found your videos! Such an inspirationâ€! X
How could you not have a ring on your finger? Youâre amazing!
Stephanie Lyn: Thank you so so much!!!
Thank you so much for posting this, it is really helpful
I definitely need to hear this. Thank you so much!
I needed this advice. Thank you so much. I am going to try and take a hold of this problem.
Your amaaaaaazing!!!! This is so so helpful thank u so much!!
This video was so helpful. Now I understand so much better why I am a pleaser. I will never be that again. Thanks
Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart.
Thank you, wonderfully said
Wow you explained it so well - thank you!
Thank you so much for this advice!đâ„ïž
Rlly needed to hear this rn. Thank u!!!
Excellent video and content !! Thank you very much â€
Awesome advice. Thank you!
You are incredible!!đ
Thank you so much! Even my son can have help from your videos!
No prenuptial agreement no marriage no moving in Iâm firm and trust me I wonât cry
Excellent content. Iâve been binging on your videos. You are teaching me a lot about my childhood and now adulthood journey. New subscriber đŠthank you.
Yay!! Welcome đ
Thank you for this video. God bless this video
Very helpful!!
This is so painful to listen to and relive my childhood and how deeply disassociated I was going about feeling like I was a subhuman and only worthy of being peoples stepping stone.
OMG! Amazing video! Where were you all this time. This is like you are talking directly to me. Thank you
Thank you!
I got so much out of this. TY
T hank .you so much for all your help.
Really greata video â„â„ thank you â„â„
Thank you!
Awesome video, by the way I really love the way you say your "And"'s đ. Its very different.
Yep. Definitely a people pleaser. Iâm so worried about letting people down, or inconveniencing them by saying no. Probably a big reason why I feel âstuckâ in an abusive marriage for 18 years. Afraid to get backlash from her, and disappoint the kids. Like I would be the selfish jerk for leaving my wife and kids.
Thank you for this video!!
You are so welcome!
Your so wise
Thank you for talking about kids I want to learn about that
Thank you
Perfect timing. Me first. Peace
I really needed this bc some girl asked me if she could eat SOME of my popcorn I couldnât say No so I said yes anyway instead of her saying SOME and frickin ate my whole bag of popcorn OML
Yess your right my mom is the abuser always telling putting us down from childhood till now
Thank You
thank you
If you teach young kids think logically, they will start thinking logically in much earlier age.
Great video...Unfortunately most people can't take "no" for an answer....
You.continue to impress me and thereby forcing me to drop my stock some. Lol. All jokes aside, your F-in insightful and I appreciate you more than you know. Thank you!
Everything you say is right. But sometimes your adult children maybe still living in your house, but don't want to help you with any house chores or to do anything and pay for anything. And you're actually telling them that is ok, and they don't even have to feel any guilt about it. Have to take into account that makes sure that every situation is different.
Love it
I just had to tell my 80 yr old mother that alcohol no longer agrees with her. She has balance and mobility problems, she becomes verbally abusive towards me (which she denied), a diabetic, and language expression problems. All of these issues become worse when she drinks. She doesn't drink a lot but when she does it's toxic to her. I also told her that my son and I would not buy her the alcohol anymore. It was the more difficult thing I have ever done in my life. My mother has always been the boss and me the lesser one. I did this in front of my two sisters. I felt like a heel because she was sick but it was the only time that we would have all been together and it has been needed to be said to her seriously for at least two years. It's not safe for her. I feel so guilty. I feel like I kicked her when she was down but I know this was the one and only time it could have been said. I feel like I betrayed her and I feel like I broke a sacred secret. Which I did. Wouldn't that be a good thing? I live with her and I am concerned about how this will affect our daily interactions/backlash. So I said no in a big way. I will not be a contributor to unsafe behavior. Now it is her choice to stop or not. She thinks fairly clearly.
Shame I needed that 20 years ago. Lol