Exactly. All good swords are made from spring steel or fantasy materials with insane properties. Back in the day, metals were theorized to be 1000 times stronger than they actually are, until the discovery of how the crystalline atoms slip past each other, which explains why most metals are stretchy.
This sounds like a high schooler’s creative writing essay. “‘I almost broke your sword’. Nah, ‘broke’ is an overrated word. Hmmm what’s a synonym I could use instead? Oh, I got it!” *I almost smashed your sword.* “Now let’s find a synonym for the word ‘sword’. Aha!” *Precious weapon.*
@JJ Graham I mean, I'm pretty sure that just with you doing something decent it would be a lot better than what the hell is this. Plus, you can always learn and be better as a writer.
@@hobomike6935 I disagree. If most of the blade shattered but there was still at least an inch of blade remaining, then it'd be kind of like a box cutter. You can still slit an artery or jugular vein with it, and cut him up pretty good anyway. And you'd still have a few inches of more range than if you fought unarmed. Hold the blade right side up to throw a jab. Hold the blade upside down for hooks and chinese punches. Even with no blade at all, the hilt itself could work like a tonfa. Just hold the hilt in its center and punch in ways that could make either end land.
I think it comes down to something Hayao Miazako wrote once. How modern writers aren't influenced by their own personal real experiences anymore - people they met, places they went, things they did. They are influenced by the media they consumed, so they only replicate and mix things like some past netflix show or tumblr fanfiction or tweet they saw, and the end result is... This.
He isn’t wrong, but he was actually was talking about Otaku creators. He believed that Otaku’s couldn’t create great art because they don’t go out and interact with each other, they just try to copy things that they like.
there’s truth to this, but it also has to do with the particular type of media these creators are digesting. To be a good storyteller, you do still have to be an active observer of other media (read books, watch movies, etc)- that’s sometimes as edifying as drawing on life experience, albeit in a different way. But people who write like this never attempt to really engage with anything challenging. They don’t read Pynchon or Ligotti or Gene Wolfe or anyone else who might actually strain their reading muscles and require them to think hard. As a result, you wind up with this kind of bland, same-y low quality writing.
I demand that you show that holy sword some respect, knave. That sword was blessed and passed down by a line of royal knights, starting with the legendary hero of Hyrule Link from Breath of the Wild.
I feel embaressed about my own OCs and stories, but if people are confident enough to show this and genuenly think it's good it kinda give some hope for my work 💀
I like how when Rosemary trips and falls, instead of falling down to her level, the sword is magically teleported 6 feet up by the power of the rule of cool so that her mom can grab it effortlessly
That's not even the weirdest part. The mom catches her daughter from the back and then the sword from in front of her. AT THE SAME TIME. Then BOTH OF THEM get teleported to floor so she can put her daughter again on the stairs.. I swear when they checked the scenes they realized they did such a piss-poor job that their solution came down to "let's crop down all shots so that they constantly show the characters on close-up and hopefully no one will tell none of this is in sync".
As a person who english is not her first language, watching this series is so difficult to process that I even understand the parodies of the series better.
“Mom! I’m so sorry! I didn’t-“ “Don’t worry about it sweetheart, it’s alright.” “I almost smashed your sword..” “You can’t smash a sword, however I’m much more worried about you hurting yourself. Who raised you to run around with swords in the house anyway?” “….you did.” “Huh. Then I guess I should finally teach you to hold this thing.” There. Fixed your shit.
@@quangamershyguyyz7166 sadly yucky connotations nowadays and it's a kinda weird and awkward thing for a late teens child to call their mom still anyways.
Girl: *crying* Mom: “I’m much more worried about you smashing yourself. Who raised you to run around the house with swords?” *starts smiling* “You did” That is definitely how we talk in real life
I love how at the end of the flashback, Caraway is trying to speed walk out of the scene so he doesn't get talked to. It's as if the animators gave him a life of his own and he wanted nothing to do with the shit that was about to go down, but since he was voiced by one of the creators, he knew he was stuck.
"(Just keep walking. Pretend to not notice them-)" "Hey, teacher! Tell me about my mom!" "(damnit!) Hey, yeah, me and your mom were friends - also I'm transgendered. (Why couldn't my character be mute?)"
Every clip I've seen of this show has Steven Universe vibes to me. Like that small musical chime that plays at 0:04 as the mom catches the sword--even the girl's stunned facial expression--feels like something that show would do. Oh yeah! Also Pink Sword.
No mother would just start randomly teaching her child how to use a sword simply because they tripped. So I made my own scene. >A blur of pink skids into the scene. _Rosemary._ Mommy, mommy, mommy! Can I learn how to use a sword like you? >Her mother, Lavender, is sitting down at the table with a cup of tea and writing something in a journal. She looks up at Rosemary, and looks thoughtful. _Lavender._ Sure thing, but you had better pay very close attention, Rose. _Rose._ Of course I will! _Lav._ Alright, then -- we'll be- >A split second later Rosemary dashes off, to the exasperation of Lavender who wasn't finished speaking. >Rosemary grabs the sword and runs down the stairs, then trips. Lavender bolts up out of her chair, bumping the table and spilling her tea. She catches Rosemary. The sword falls to the ground with a loud clatter. [Cue a second-long scene of the tea dripping off the table, the cup smashed on the floor.] _Rose._ M-mommy, the sword! Is it broken? _Lav._ No, sweetheart. It's a lot tougher than you think it is. >Lavender picks up the sword, and instead of unsheathing it or setting the sword in Rosemary's hands, she moves to hold it underneath her right arm. She huffs and sets her left hand on her hip and takes a stern voice with Rosemary. _Lav._ What have I told you about running around with scissors? _Rose._ You shouldn't be so overzealous. It's not a toy. It could hurt you really badly. _Lav._ The same applies to this sword. But this isn't like scissors -- this is a fully fledged weapon. I've taken many lives with this, and I don't want you to suffer the same fate. I don't know what I'd do with myself if you died. >Rosemary looks down, crying. Lavender scoops her up in her arms and holds her. _Lav._ Oh, baby, don't cry. Everything's alright. _Rose, blubbering._ But I made you worry. I keep doing these stupid things and making you worry. I'm so sorry. _Lav._ Shh, shh. No apologies necessary, sweetheart. We all make mistakes. >Lavender takes a handkerchief from her pocket and wipes Rosemary's face. She looks to the table with the spilt tea, broken cup on the floor, and sighs. _Lav, calling._ Chicory, would you be a dear and clean that up for me? _Chicory, from the other room._ Ugh, fiiiine. >Lavender rolls her eyes. _Lav, to Rose._ Why don't we go outside now, and I'll teach you how to use a sword? _Rose._ Really? _Lav._ Of course. And... by the way, we are going to be using wooden swords, not a real one. _Rose._ But- _Lav._ No buts, Rosemary. I'm not chancing on you getting hurt. >Rosemary is visibly downtrodden. Lavender sets Rosemary down, and they walk off towards the door to their backyard. As they walk, the scene fades, and we hear: "Every weapon is dangerous, so you must treat them with the utmost respect... even an arrow without its bow can cause significant harm..."
It’s surprising that you, a single person, could create so much better dialogue than an entire team of “professional” writers. This is really well done!
This show is 1% better than my 1st bully's horrible stories on his facebook. The stories are so horrible they make me wanna gouge my eyes out then then light my cellphone on fire.
This is the first clip I've seen of High Guardian Spice outside of someone reviewing it. Despite the entire internet warning me how bad this show is, I was still shocked by what I just witnessed. The animation, the character designs, the voice acting, the writing, the editing, the cinematography... they're all AWFUL! The girl was running DOWN the stairs and she dropped the sword FORWARD! How on Earth did the mom (who I thought was a guy) catch the daughter close to the ground but catch the sword on its way up into the air!?!? How does one "smash" a sword by dropping it? Is it made of glass? If a sword is that smashable, it's not a very good weapon. Did no one realize how clunky "smash" was as a word choice? Why not use "ruin" or "wreck"?
@@hob_channel little things like that add up when you combine them all into a 35 second clip. Almost makes you wonder if they even tried making it good.
I’m much more worried about how little that someone is getting paid to say that line in such a horrendous way, come on, Oscar Isaac has said even worse lines but delivered them in a somewhat tolerable way.. if it weren’t for the writing.. of course..
@@SilliesrShark109 It's just.. awkward. I think it'd be better if the sentence was "Well I'd be more worried over you getting hurt" along with a better delivery va-job
I rewrote this in about 15 minutes *The kid is at the top of the stairs swinging around the mighty great sword with both hands* Child “mommy look I’m a warrior like you *immatating swooshing noises*” *child trips and falls down the stairs dropping the sword, Mom catches her but the sword falls to the ground beside her* Mom: “Are you alright baby?” Child: “I’m fine but what about your sword” Mom: “Swords can be repaired, you can’t. What did I tell you about running around the house with swords?” Child: “I’m sorry, I just wanted to be a warrior like you” Mom: “I understand baby, but you need to be careful. I suppose it’s time I taught you how to hold that sword properly” *The mom hands the child her sword and the child immediately goes into the same exaggerated warrior pose* Mom: “your stance is all wrong, see your legs need to be further apart for maximum balance, probably explains why you fell down the stairs” *The mom demonstrates the stance and the child copies as we fade out of the flashback*
i’m less worried about the dialogue here and more worried about the dude at the end walking at the speed of light relative to everyone else in the frame
I’m a writer too, and this sounds like something someone on the staff has never wrote anything before. Meanwhile, I’ve been writing for over a decade, and I’m more confident in my writing skills than whatever this is.
Everyone else is here talking about the writing while I'm here baffled at the first five seconds where the sword goes from falling out from in front of the character to somehow both above and behind her to be caught by a person moving diagonally in from behind, presumably through the railing and/or stairs. And then the characters are teleported into different positions. The mother stands protag up so that protag is now facing away from the stairs when she was facing that way before the cut. They haven't even started talking and I'm losing my mind.
Please tell me that the professor was moving fast to get infront of those 3 to get their attention, and not because the show can’t even animate background characters properly
A much less weird way of saying that is “I almost broke your sword” “I’m more worried about you breaking your face” Smash isn’t really a good choice of wording!
True, but children often use _technically_ correct terms in places that normal adults _wouldn't._ My guess is they were trying to approximate that, but didn't account for the fact that a loving parent would _also_ correct the way a child speaks so they grow up to sound _normal._ "I almost smashed your sword!" "You can't smash a sword, and it wouldn't be worth much if it broke from just that. I'm much more worried about you hurting yourself." Something like that.
As a now older than 14 year old wattpad fanfiction writer I appreciate it Thank god someone didn't compare this dialogue to our skills (which aren't the best but cmon, cmonnn, this dialogue wasn't even dialogue it was words mashed toghether)
@@l0rrow288 bestie why do you think them 14 year olds are able to write something like "my immortal" at their age😭✨ we start at like 1st grade the moment we learn how to write n read It's an instinct that pulls you in Ur either born a wattpader or ur not 😭
somewhat fixed dialogue: "sorry, mom!" "don't worry about it." "but i almost broke your sword!" "it's fine. besides, i'd be more worried about you breaking a bone. but you can't go running around the house with a sword!" "but you do that all the time!" "hm. then perhaps i better teach you how to hold this thing."
This does exactly what dialogues like these are supposed to. 1. Establish the relationship between parent and child. 2. Show the temperament of the character in their infancy. 3. Establish the background behind how and why she has this sword. i.e. Source of inspiration. 4. A basic, but believable reason why the MC might be gifted. Simple, but good stuff. It shows you understand people.
not me having an existential crisis because im already bad at plot writing and the way i write dialogue writing is like the show's way of writing dialogue, so therefore, I HAVE NO DIEA HOW TO IMPROVE MY DIALOGUE WRITING PLEASE HELP
@@voidfulunarxecularity8726 hey! don't worry :) i guess just maybe think about what YOU would say in that situation? channel empathy lol. edit: even if the character has a different personality to you- channel what an appropriate response would be. i think knowing who your character IS as a person helps you make dialogue unique and interesting while still being realistic.
@@sixkicksfightertricks949 The anime “Another”. It’s definitely worth a watch. Can’t get into the plot too deep without spoilers, but it’s a thriller if you’re into the genre
wait, lemme try fixing this real quick- "Mom! Look! Look, look, loo-!" *falls* *GASP* "Mom, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to-" "Oh hush, sweetheart. Don't worry, it's alright." "I almost dropped your sword though..." *chuckle* "A sword like this won't break if you just drop it." ":(" "Now who taught you to run around the house with a sword like that?" "Well, /you./" *chuckle* "Hah! You're probably right! Maybe it's time I teach you how to hold this correctly then."
I think I found the problem. This show was clearly made with a heavy emphasis on storyboarding, but the people involved aren't very good at translating those images into a proper animation with proper sounds. The establishing shot is only one second, but when she's running down the stairs we don't hear loud footsteps or wood creaking or anything. Sounds like she's just walking. The sword makes a "woosh" sound from traveling in the air, but we don't hear the smack of the handle in her hand. We don't hear a gasp from the MC or her going "woah" when they cut to a shot of her face, and when her mom lowers the blade we don't hear any sound from the blade. The dialogue's bad, but the sound design and mixing is atrocious. That sword may as well be a ball with how little sound it makes.
Hah, that's not even the worst of audio mixing problems of this show. I was expecting it to be bad, but HOLY FUCK... Just listen to Squid Boy talk. They really just have him a headset or something. What was the budget again?
Dude swords don't actually vibrate in the air with every little movement making that *swing* metallic sound you hear in shows. That's usually just a media trope and I'd be much better off without it.
@@ploonette222 I mean, I still do the same, but with a Spanish accent. (Same spelling, but pronounced "Mami") But she doesn't even sound like a kid, so it's just cringey to hear.
@@ploonette222 Cultural differences I think. "Mommy" isn't the informal, "mom" is. The formal is "mother". In portuguese we get Mãe, mamãe and mamãezinha. It looks like the same, but both the formal and common informal is "mãe". Only very very small children (2 years and younger) will use "mamãe", and "mamãezinha" is the stupidly dorky affectionate you only use when you want to fake affection in a jokey/ironic manner (translates roughly to "my little mom").
This has the same feeling as one of those voice dub crack videos. Like it feels unnatural enough that my brain just refuses to believe this is the show’s dialogue.
There is so much wrong, alright, let's do this: - Rose is walking down the stairs and like a typical protagonist trips over nothing - From the way she falls and let's go of the sword, it should land flatly on the ground and she on top of it. - The mom catches it in the air as if her daughter have thrown it upwards as she was falling down, which she didn't. - Mum catches her daughter from behind, Rosemary should be hanging from her arm, not in this awkwardly romantic position and blushing. This creator put anime cliches in random places to full you that it's not just a cartoon, but did they seriously put a mother and a daughter in a ''characters falls but is saved at the last moment, blushes and falls in love/develops a crush''. With their high difference, the mum character should be doing splits right now. - How old is supposed to be Rosemary in this scene, how come this conversation never come up before ? - What a great mother and a guardian ! You never talked about sword safety with your daughter or just put it somewhere safe so she can't get it. I assume when Rosemary was running screaming ''look'' with a sword in her hands, she probably tried to show of some new trick she pulled of. That's what children do. It's the equivalent of a police officer, living a gun for his/her kids to play with. - The idea of a sword being so fragile is so stupid. It's supposed to be a weapon, not some useless accessories for celebrations. There could have been a plot point that the sword is practically indestructible, but there is one or two things that it can't cut or there is a way to erode it with time if not taken care of. If it was some magic wand, staff or gem that is powerful but can be easily destroyed, that would've made sense. I come up with a better idea for a plot in a minute then a room full of ''writers'' in who knows how long, but probably more then that.
I’ve never seen this show or know anything about it and I did not think that was her mother who caught her… because of the gross way they portrayed it lol the romantic arm catch and blushing. I was like is this her new crush and than it’s her mom lmao like what? Why, did they make it like that..
I have literally never seen this show and when Rosemary's mom caught her I actually thought it was a pretty boy she was going to develop a crush on until she announced it was her mom. Very bad idea!
I re-made the dialogue, sorry if it sounds unnatural still haha "Mom, quickly come, lookie!" (Trips) "AH!" "Mom! Mom! I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to!" "Shh, Rosemary. Its fine, no worries." "I could have broken your sword though, isn't it basically a relic?" (Chuckles) "It had the scabbard on, calm down. Besides, I'd be more concerned if you broke a bone." "Still, don't run around with weapons! You could seriously hurt yourself, dear." "Is that not what you do pretty much everyday?" "Hmph, I suppose you're right." "Well then, I probably should teach you how to hold this old thing."
I tried my best to rewrite a little. *Rosemary:* “I’m sorry Mommy! I didn’t mean to-“ *Mom:* “Hey! Hey! It’s alright!” *Rosemary:* “But I almost broke ur sword…” *Mom:* “I’m more worried about you hurting yourself. Who even raised you to run around the house with swords?” *Rosemary:* “You?” *Mom:* “Hahaha! I guess I did, didn’t I? How about I teach you to hold a sword so you don’t hurt yourself next time?”
Okay, I'm here to be that meanie again who takes apart the dialogue and tells you why your brain just feels like it wants to turn off. Here is my explanation as to why the dialogue is objectively bad and how you can advoid such problems. For starters, let's ignore all the dangers of catching falling (floating?) sharp objects... And this dialogue has a problem with pacing. It knows where it wants to end up, but it doesn't give itself time to get there. So it short cuts a lot of essential moments that could have enriched the scene. You have no idea how many times I've read or heard bad dialogue and said, "You know that could have been fixed if you added one more piece of dialogue." And that's what this is suffering from. So what does a properly paced scene look like? Probably, more like this: Spice Girl (I don't know their names...): Mommy, mommy look what I could do! ***Spice girl trips*** Mom: What are you doing? I told you not to play with that! Spice Girl: I'm... I... Mom: This isn't a toy. You could have hurt yourself. Spice Girl: I'm sorry... I just wanted to show you something. I-I didn't mean to almost break it. ***Mom sighs.*** Mom: Honey, it's not the sword I'm worried about. It's you. You mean far more than this ever will. ***slight smile*** And I think this is a little my fault. I think maybe its time I show you the right way to do things. How about it? See how mom reacts appropriately, first with worry, then anger and then with realization that she does have a duty to ensure her daughter stays safe with weapons in the house? That's far more relatable than what happened here. Yes, they end up the same place, but one takes it time. Go through this message board. Others on this board took their take on the dialogue and it's amazing what a few extra words and lines do to change the meaning into something of substance! But that's just this scene. I want to switch gears and address the bigger picture of why this scene doesn't work in context to the rest of the show. What does this scene do for the show? Well, in the next scene, she's looking at the sword like she has a respect and a reverence for it. That's good. It means whatever mom taught her really sank in. But then a few other scenes, she's recklessly swinging it around showing that what she learned didn't. Which is it? That's character inconsistency! Either she respects the sword as the only thing she has of her mother or she doesn't. Neither of these are bad approaches, but they have to be consistant. What does this sword represent to this character? If she feels reverence towards it, she needs to show that throughout the show and not be so reckless. If she wants to feel revence towards it, but slips up because of her own human flaw, then she needs to feel remorse and these scenes not be played up for the lol's. If she thinks she feels reverence, but lacks the maturity to show that in her actions, then at some point be forced to own up to that. The lesson here: Pacing. Pacing your dialogue and letting it develop naturally and organtically is really an art. But it's worth doing. The second lesson is to carefully think of objects and props meaning in a wider context. Don't just throw things in there and only has meaning when you feel like it. Consistant characters are of the utmost importance.
I'm sorry I-I almost broke your sword!" "It's alright sweetie, I should've been more responsible in teaching you how to wield it." her mother chuckled nervously as she's relieved that her daughter is alright including the sword but mentally scolds herself for not being responsible enough. "Then I might grab another one because this sword is fragile." "Fragile?" Rosemary asked her mother. (Y'all can add the rest. Subtract if you want.)
“Yes.” Her mother replied. She casted her gaze down to the sheath, and gently grazed her fingers over the worn embellishments and engravings. “This one has seen many battles over the years. It was very handy back then, but after so much use it’s become quite fragile.” She lifted her head to once again lock eyes with her daughter. With a gentle grace, she moved the sword out of the way, and reached out to ruffle Rosemary’s hair. “We can go and pick up a new one for you. You can even choose what you want engraved and decorated on it-“ A light danced in her daughter’s eyes as she spoke, so she continued, this time a little more stern. “-but that means you better think carefully! We can’t have you burn through everything we have on a dysfunctional sword, now can we?” She grinned, only slightly joking.
Please stop trying so hard, this show doesn't deserve the effort. You could have just let a cat walk across the keyboard and you'd get equal to or better than the writing in this show.
"Yes...fragile, brittle...just like YOUR CHIN!" She rips a sudden haymaker from the hip but Rosemary slips the punch before curling her body inwards and sending her own missile of a hit straight into her mothers solar plexus. The impact of crunching bone seems to rip the air of the room as well as her lungs, and for an ice-cold moment of nothingness the follow through catches up with reality and rockets her entire form spinning through the air and blasting through the side of the house. Rosemary is hovering ominously a few feet above the stairs, empty eyes rolling over to the most grim of blacks, an aura of rippling unlife rotting every surface in her presence, decaying everything. The plagues of Father Nurgle had manifested in her at last...
The idea of a sword being so fragile is so stupid. It's supposed to be a weapon, not some useless accessories for celebrations. There could have been a plot point that the sword is practically indestructible, but there is one or two things that it can't cut or there is a way to erode it with time if not taken care of. If it was some magic wand, staff or gem that is powerful but can be easily destroyed, that would've made sense. I come up with a better idea for a plot in a minute then a room full of ''writers'' in who knows how long, but probably more then that.
An attempt to fix the dialogue. I'm not a professional, but, thought I'd throw in my hat. Rosemary: "Mom! Lookit! Mommy!" *ANIMATE THE SHOTS OF HER AND THE SWORD BEING CAUGHT SO THEY MAKE SPATIAL SENSE* Rosemary: "Mommy, I'm so sorry, I didn't-" Mom: "Hush, it's alright, no one got hurt. Although-" Rosemary: "I know! I- I almost broke your sword!" Mom: "What? No. Sweetheart, this is steel. I'm more worried about YOU. Why were you running through the house with a sword?!" Rosemary: "I was practicing moves with it upstairs-" Mom: "What?!" Rosemary: "And- and I wanted to show off! I wanna be just like you, mom!" Mom: "Just like me?" Rosemary: "Yeah!" Mom: "...oh, Rosemary." Rosemary: "What?" Mom: "A sword can be fun to wield, but it's not a toy, even sheathed. I'm... ... ...this weapon has kept me safe, but it's come with hurting a lot of people. The last thing I'd ever want is you hurt, too. All it takes is one accident, and..." Rosemary: "..." Mom: *sighs* "I know that look in your eye. Tell you what. After supper, what if I show you a few moves?" Rosemary: "Really?!" Mom: "If you're going to keep finding my swords and playing with them behind my back, I might as well teach you how to hold them responsibly. I'll get you a dull sword to practice with, and every other day, we'll set some time aside so you can learn basic techniques. In exchange, no taking my swords until I say you're ready, and *no running with sharp things, ESPECIALLY in the house.* Got it?" Rosemary: "O-Okay! Thanks mom!" Idk. Still not crazy about it but there's only so much sprucing you can give a turd.
"I almost smash your sword" "The sword is going to be alright, you are the one I'm worried about sweetie" You could "fix" the most notable dialogue's "errors" just by making a little effort on how word your phrases it man.
"Mom look it! mommy!" Who dafaq says that. It's either "MOM! LOOK WHAT (I/I'VE) (HAVE/GOT)" or "MOM! LOOK HERE" In the English language, the basic formation of a sentence is a *clause, subject, verb, object* and *phrase.* *Clause:* The goal of a sentence, i.e communicate to someone *Clause Example:* I want my mother to see me holding her sword. To turn the clause into a sentence there are 3 requirements. A subject(Mom),verb(See) and object(sword) or simply "Mom see sword" "Mom look it! mommy! Breaks and sounds alien because the clause is unclear. Sentence is structured as such; subject(mom) verb(look), object(it), and phrase(mommy). *Phrase:* Modifies a word in a sentence, i.e gives context to a word. *Phrase example:* I am "at" work. I am "near" work. "Mom look it! mommy!: Clause implies mom look at object(it) with phrase(mommy) so "Mom look at MOM." She is one of the few characters without two moms, so it doesn't work here. OR if we swap phrase(mommy) to subject(mom) we get "Mom look at that other MOMMY" which is the same error as the first one. OR we ignore the subject(mommy) and let subject(mommy) become its own sentence and it becomes "mommy look at It!" implying "It" is a person's name and they should be looking at person(It). What's missing with sentence "Mom look it! mommy! is a phase to give context on (it) which is the (sword) which is why "MOM look SWORD! MOMMY!" sounds infinitely more correct than "Mom look IT! mommy! And why "MOM! LOOK HERE" clause: Look at me mom, I am holding a sword, subject(mom), verb(look), object(me). Children/toddlers understand this basic rule subconsciously to form sentences. Ok now we speedrun the remaining dialogue. Using corrections from @_chlo.yo_ "Mommy I'm so sorry, i didn't..." Subject(Mommy), verb(sorry), object(i didn't????) She included an object which makes no sense as it implies, she did break a sword, or hurt her mom which we can see... NO -_-. *Correction:* "Sorry, mom!" ---------- "Hush, sweetheart it's alright" if her daughter's name was called Hush, it would be fine. Verb(Hush) subject(sweetheart), phase(it's alright) *Problem:* "Hush implies a negative verb" I.E kill or stab. there is a lack of phase in Hush to give Hush a positive context. This is why *correction:* "Hush, it's alright sweetheart" sounds much better because the phase(it's alright) is attached to verb(Hush) while the original phrase(it's alright) is attached to subject(sweetheart). ----------- "I almost smashed your sword" DID U JUST USE AN ADJECTIVE AS A VERB?!? *correction:* "but I almost broke your sword!" ---------- "I'm much more worried about you smashing yourself." MADAM! DID U JUST USE A VERB AS AN ADJECTIVE?!? Sentence is grammatically correct if it's a sexual innuendo however I hope the writer aren't being inappropriate. *Correction:* "It's fine. besides, I'd be more worried about you breaking a bone. but you can't go running around the house with a sword!" ---------- "Who raised you to run around the house with swords" HUH??? YOU'RE HER MOTHER *correction:* DELETE IT ---------- "You did" *correction:* "but you do that all the time!" Fix isn't grammatic. Fixing idiocy... ---------- "It's time I taught you how to hold this precious weapon." If it was precious, why would u leave it easily accessible for a 5-year-old to wield down the stairs? *Correction:* "hm. then perhaps I better teach you how to hold this thing."
I love how they show Rose let her really important memento sword of her mother slip out of her butterfingers, then IMMEDIATELY show in flashback right afterwards her mother taught her how to hold the fucking thing properly to prevent exactly that from happening.
Any sword that would break from that short fall is not a weapon you can trust in battle.
Rosemary jumps off a roof and is fine. She drops her sword on a rock and it breaks.
Thanks goblin meliodas.
a pebble broke it.
Exactly. All good swords are made from spring steel or fantasy materials with insane properties.
Back in the day, metals were theorized to be 1000 times stronger than they actually are, until the discovery of how the crystalline atoms slip past each other, which explains why most metals are stretchy.
Meanwhile Anos Voldigoad fights with a stick and it doesn't break.
when she said "i'm much more worried about you smashing yourself" it legit sounds like an abridged parody
Ghost stories dub?
@@SairinEarthsea honestly tho
this entire show is a parody of anime as a genre tbh
@@hobomike6935
It's like a bootleg Harry Potter with overused and cheesy anime tropes and a 1.0 DnD class system.
@@AAJillSandwich more leik bootleg little witch academia lol
This sounds like a high schooler’s creative writing essay.
“‘I almost broke your sword’. Nah, ‘broke’ is an overrated word. Hmmm what’s a synonym I could use instead? Oh, I got it!”
*I almost smashed your sword.*
“Now let’s find a synonym for the word ‘sword’. Aha!”
*Precious weapon.*
IM DYING CAUSE YOU’RE RIGHT
Why is this so accurate 😭
Me with my thesis
"I almost smashed your precious weapon"
Now sounds like a euphemism
Ok, I admit I actually have been there 🤣
I love how this show is always used as an example of bad writing
It's a good example of what not to do. And how much companies suck. But mostly what not to do
@JJ Graham I bet you don’t charge people a monthly subscription for it tho
@JJ Graham You are one person, This is made by a whole a** writing staff, plus I'm pretty sure your script is actually better
@JJ Graham I mean, I'm pretty sure that just with you doing something decent it would be a lot better than what the hell is this. Plus, you can always learn and be better as a writer.
@@mertensiam3384Why did you mention how much companies suck?
"I almost smashed your sword."
If a sword could be smashed so easily then it's useless
It'd probably make a great jagged knife. Those can be nasty.
Sephirioth’s vs her sword
Sephiroth: WOW it’s like cutting through butter.
Trash sword
@@sixkicksfightertricks949 it's worthless if you shattered almost all of the blade and it doesn't have enough range to kill someone in a fight.
@@hobomike6935 I disagree. If most of the blade shattered but there was still at least an inch of blade remaining, then it'd be kind of like a box cutter. You can still slit an artery or jugular vein with it, and cut him up pretty good anyway. And you'd still have a few inches of more range than if you fought unarmed. Hold the blade right side up to throw a jab. Hold the blade upside down for hooks and chinese punches. Even with no blade at all, the hilt itself could work like a tonfa. Just hold the hilt in its center and punch in ways that could make either end land.
Oh gosh, it’s a child. Children say dumb things, of course you can’t smash a sword just by dropping it.
“Mom, lookit. Mummy.” Why does the voice actor sound like she doesn’t want to take part in this? Like damn, that’s so flat.
I mean, can you blame her?
@@im4ft622 Honestly, no lol
Even a self insert sounds like they're tired of the show lmao
@@im4ft622 I personally think it sounds like buttercup from PPG
mrrrrrrrrrrrr. and also the thump of the sword when it hits her palm is super soft.
I'll never get over the "mum, look it! Mummy" line. It's so obviously a first take of gibberish they didn't bother revisiting
literally tho
IKR NOBODYS TALKING ABT IT
it sounds almost like an ai
I CAMT BREATHE HELP
"Look it" is a sentence, that's for sure.
I think it comes down to something Hayao Miazako wrote once. How modern writers aren't influenced by their own personal real experiences anymore - people they met, places they went, things they did. They are influenced by the media they consumed, so they only replicate and mix things like some past netflix show or tumblr fanfiction or tweet they saw, and the end result is... This.
He isn’t wrong, but he was actually was talking about Otaku creators. He believed that Otaku’s couldn’t create great art because they don’t go out and interact with each other, they just try to copy things that they like.
Oh crap it’s like ai
Explains why it feels like the script was generated by ChatGPT
@@phabiorules we should add to that mix now creators that are shippers.
there’s truth to this, but it also has to do with the particular type of media these creators are digesting. To be a good storyteller, you do still have to be an active observer of other media (read books, watch movies, etc)- that’s sometimes as edifying as drawing on life experience, albeit in a different way. But people who write like this never attempt to really engage with anything challenging. They don’t read Pynchon or Ligotti or Gene Wolfe or anyone else who might actually strain their reading muscles and require them to think hard. As a result, you wind up with this kind of bland, same-y low quality writing.
A sword that can break THAT easily would be "useful" only ONCE during a single, solitary fight!
I demand that you show that holy sword some respect, knave. That sword was blessed and passed down by a line of royal knights, starting with the legendary hero of Hyrule Link from Breath of the Wild.
@@MasterLee2011 weapon durability can be such a pain
Precisely what i was thinking
@Frost E Bear You just gotta hope that the blade and hilt don't simply go flying off on the back-swing!
@Novi Rp13 Called an emerald, cut like a diamond, but shatters like glass...is that why it's a "chaos" emerald?
This show puts “awful writing” in “natural”.
I was *just* gonna say that.
I get it!
But there is no...
Oh...
czcams.com/video/yxNKLsCxkmg/video.html FOUND KRUSTY KRAB😨🤫 IN ROBLOX PIZZA PLACE!1!1!!1😂
@The boys upstairs. high guardian spice, it's I'm the tag
Love how caraway is power walking by, nobody walks that fast with a book, he's definitely avoiding someone.
Probably trying to avoid this entire show
@@ghastlygavinhe directed it himself tho
Carraway did something at Aloe and Anise's party last night and is trying to avoid the consequences, at least until tonight.
@@arbiterskiss6692 that something was them, he did them
*She
I feel embaressed about my own OCs and stories, but if people are confident enough to show this and genuenly think it's good it kinda give some hope for my work 💀
If a sword breaks from a meer drop, it's an inferior to a true nord's steel sword.
❤
True my friend. Ever since HGS dropped. I had more confidence in my fantasy story.
Same😭
I like how when Rosemary trips and falls, instead of falling down to her level, the sword is magically teleported 6 feet up by the power of the rule of cool so that her mom can grab it effortlessly
It was trying to fly away from this god forsaken cartoon.
WTF.
@@mqfii8992 underrated comment
That's not even the weirdest part. The mom catches her daughter from the back and then the sword from in front of her. AT THE SAME TIME. Then BOTH OF THEM get teleported to floor so she can put her daughter again on the stairs..
I swear when they checked the scenes they realized they did such a piss-poor job that their solution came down to "let's crop down all shots so that they constantly show the characters on close-up and hopefully no one will tell none of this is in sync".
@@mqfii8992 ACCURATE
As a person who english is not her first language, watching this series is so difficult to process that I even understand the parodies of the series better.
Your english is okay from where I sit!
You’re a bit off on some grammar but you’re still learning so it’s pretty good! Keep going :)
Same 😭
It's sad but true that even ESL people are better at writing than this.. monstrosity.
I believe it. This dialogue is awkward and weird. Nobody talks like this.
“Mom! I’m so sorry! I didn’t-“
“Don’t worry about it sweetheart, it’s alright.”
“I almost smashed your sword..”
“You can’t smash a sword, however I’m much more worried about you hurting yourself. Who raised you to run around with swords in the house anyway?”
“….you did.”
“Huh. Then I guess I should finally teach you to hold this thing.”
There. Fixed your shit.
Better
every single dialogue rewrite removes "mommy" and i am all for it
@@JaxontheOkaywhy?
@@quangamershyguyyz7166 sadly yucky connotations nowadays and it's a kinda weird and awkward thing for a late teens child to call their mom still anyways.
@@JaxontheOkay My mom calls her mom, mommy still. And so do my young adult cousins.
"I'm more worried about you smashing yourself" the writing is definitely a writing.
Hmm... Yes, the writing was probably written. Petha by a person (debatable).
The entire conversation feels like when a player is mashing through a game's dialogue.
Me trying to read hollow knight dialogue while my cousin uses the mouse:
I'm imagining listening to songs on my playlist, but every other word is missing lol
I be mashing through that shit like im trying to do combos
@@aaliyah.williams9628 mashing?
@@pumkin610 typed wrong
is no one gonna talk about how moms voice switched...
Went from "Ara Ara~" to "I'm an eager mom"
Oh god it just hit me, damn
That was so blatantly two different voice actors
@@NicoletteandEmma or just one inexperienced voice actress who can't set a steady tone for a character
Not to mention the audio getting distorted
Girl: *crying*
Mom: “I’m much more worried about you smashing yourself. Who raised you to run around the house with swords?”
*starts smiling* “You did”
That is definitely how we talk in real life
idk I kinda heard that a few times in life and nobody had a problem :/
I love how at the end of the flashback, Caraway is trying to speed walk out of the scene so he doesn't get talked to. It's as if the animators gave him a life of his own and he wanted nothing to do with the shit that was about to go down, but since he was voiced by one of the creators, he knew he was stuck.
"(Just keep walking. Pretend to not notice them-)"
"Hey, teacher! Tell me about my mom!"
"(damnit!) Hey, yeah, me and your mom were friends - also I'm transgendered. (Why couldn't my character be mute?)"
"I almost smashed your sword"
"I'm much more worried about you smashing that like button"
GODDAMIT Man LMAO. Thank you for the laugh
"...like a boss!!!"
BAHAHAHA
“Its free and it helps out a ton”
Oh yeah, I smashed that button, what are you gonna do about that hmmm
Mom: “I’m more worried about you smashing yourself”
Rose: “Who told you that?”
Mom: “What?”
Rose: “What?”
nice
That would’ve been funny if they actually said that
@@kenway.kirigaya In an alternate timeline where this show was good, I'm sure they did
i dont get it
@Federal Bureau of Investigation fbi please tell me the joke i want to laugh
Oblivion NPC dialogue: “Finally! A worthy opponent, our battle will be legendary.”
oblivion dialogue is more normal than this
Hey, why are you here with only 19 likes for a 6 days ago comment?
>Harvest Dawn plays in the background
* proceeds to say long and complicated words *
"The dialogue is very human"
My favorite part is how the sword has virtually no consistent size.
Must be made out of the same material as the sword in Thundercats Roar.
Dude that comment is fuckin with me. I mean the show is already garbage but now it’s inconsistent garbage
Nor do pinkette's arms.
Maybe that’s it’s power. It’s supposed to be about magic so the MC should have some kind of magic weapon or something
Man, having to consistently draw everything the same is such a pain for me lol
Pity the writers: they clearly never interacted with motherly figures before.
Pretty sure the writers are actually a horde of cave trolls, so that's somewhat understandable.
@@TitanKaiju75 i think they're aliens. I mean cave trolls probably ran into humans at least once or twice
@@alabamaslammer3921 That's an insult to extraterrestrial life.
@@alabamaslammer3921 that sounds like something a cave troll would say
@@lgbtqiarights 🏃♂️
Every clip I've seen of this show has Steven Universe vibes to me. Like that small musical chime that plays at 0:04 as the mom catches the sword--even the girl's stunned facial expression--feels like something that show would do. Oh yeah! Also Pink Sword.
i don’t remember steven universe being this insufferable though. i mean granted i was like 12 the last time i saw it but still
No mother would just start randomly teaching her child how to use a sword simply because they tripped. So I made my own scene.
>A blur of pink skids into the scene.
_Rosemary._ Mommy, mommy, mommy! Can I learn how to use a sword like you?
>Her mother, Lavender, is sitting down at the table with a cup of tea and writing something in a journal. She looks up at Rosemary, and looks thoughtful.
_Lavender._ Sure thing, but you had better pay very close attention, Rose.
_Rose._ Of course I will!
_Lav._ Alright, then -- we'll be-
>A split second later Rosemary dashes off, to the exasperation of Lavender who wasn't finished speaking.
>Rosemary grabs the sword and runs down the stairs, then trips. Lavender bolts up out of her chair, bumping the table and spilling her tea. She catches Rosemary. The sword falls to the ground with a loud clatter.
[Cue a second-long scene of the tea dripping off the table, the cup smashed on the floor.]
_Rose._ M-mommy, the sword! Is it broken?
_Lav._ No, sweetheart. It's a lot tougher than you think it is.
>Lavender picks up the sword, and instead of unsheathing it or setting the sword in Rosemary's hands, she moves to hold it underneath her right arm.
She huffs and sets her left hand on her hip and takes a stern voice with Rosemary.
_Lav._ What have I told you about running around with scissors?
_Rose._ You shouldn't be so overzealous. It's not a toy. It could hurt you really badly.
_Lav._ The same applies to this sword. But this isn't like scissors -- this is a fully fledged weapon. I've taken many lives with this, and I don't want you to suffer the same fate. I don't know what I'd do with myself if you died.
>Rosemary looks down, crying. Lavender scoops her up in her arms and holds her.
_Lav._ Oh, baby, don't cry. Everything's alright.
_Rose, blubbering._ But I made you worry. I keep doing these stupid things and making you worry. I'm so sorry.
_Lav._ Shh, shh. No apologies necessary, sweetheart. We all make mistakes.
>Lavender takes a handkerchief from her pocket and wipes Rosemary's face. She looks to the table with the spilt tea, broken cup on the floor, and sighs.
_Lav, calling._ Chicory, would you be a dear and clean that up for me?
_Chicory, from the other room._ Ugh, fiiiine.
>Lavender rolls her eyes.
_Lav, to Rose._ Why don't we go outside now, and I'll teach you how to use a sword?
_Rose._ Really?
_Lav._ Of course. And... by the way, we are going to be using wooden swords, not a real one.
_Rose._ But-
_Lav._ No buts, Rosemary. I'm not chancing on you getting hurt.
>Rosemary is visibly downtrodden. Lavender sets Rosemary down, and they walk off towards the door to their backyard. As they walk, the scene fades, and we hear:
"Every weapon is dangerous, so you must treat them with the utmost respect... even an arrow without its bow can cause significant harm..."
It’s surprising that you, a single person, could create so much better dialogue than an entire team of “professional” writers. This is really well done!
@@76o90you call them "professional" writers 😂😂
They were chosen based on their gender and sexuality
bet your the type of highschooler who could write better essays
👏👏👏👏
this was so satisfying to read, kudos to you😊
HOW COME NO ONE IS TALKING ABOUT HOW THE TEACHER DUDE WAS LIKE SPEEDWALKING AT THE END THAT SHIT WAS HILARIOUS
S p e e d
OH MY GOSH YES. The way he just SLID over looks so weird!
Comments under videos about this show give me life
0:32
man had places *to go* lmao
I love how the mom suddenly transitions from a gentle mother with a soft voice to a sassy tomboyish teenager during her dialogue
That’s what I noticed too! When she says, “hush” she’s all musical, soft, round tones… but then one sentence later, her voice is all sharps and flats
I honestly thought it was just me
This could be great if done right ngl
This show is 1% better than my 1st bully's horrible stories on his facebook. The stories are so horrible they make me wanna gouge my eyes out then then light my cellphone on fire.
"Hushh swAgheart"
Man that is an absolutely amazing first draft, can't wait to see the finished product.
This is the first clip I've seen of High Guardian Spice outside of someone reviewing it. Despite the entire internet warning me how bad this show is, I was still shocked by what I just witnessed. The animation, the character designs, the voice acting, the writing, the editing, the cinematography... they're all AWFUL!
The girl was running DOWN the stairs and she dropped the sword FORWARD! How on Earth did the mom (who I thought was a guy) catch the daughter close to the ground but catch the sword on its way up into the air!?!?
How does one "smash" a sword by dropping it? Is it made of glass? If a sword is that smashable, it's not a very good weapon. Did no one realize how clunky "smash" was as a word choice? Why not use "ruin" or "wreck"?
And you hate this show just for little things like that? There's something wrong with you
@@hob_channel details matter and build up. this show is terrible
the only fault i have with your analysis is saying you thought the mom "was a guy". especially about a show that features trans characters.
@@hob_channelThere’s something wrong with you if you can’t see this show’s blatant flaws.
@@hob_channel little things like that add up when you combine them all into a 35 second clip. Almost makes you wonder if they even tried making it good.
This entire show honestly makes me feel confident about the terrible dialogue that I write.
s a m e
s a m e
s a m e
@@dworin3965 s a m e
*s a m e*
I love how the "instructor"? at the end was just sliding and walking instead of just walking. 10/10 animation
No kidding
She's the mc's mom
that's the best part
He was wearing heelies
No she's like a groomer in the show or something
I don’t know why but the way Caraway just speedwalked at the end made me burst out laughing
"It's time I taught you how to hold this precious weapon"
*Doesn't hold the sword by the hilt, learns nothing*
Cuts own hand off, dies from sepsis in front of rosemary
@@thoroughlucidstream5146 good
yeah why is she holding the sword like that, are her hands invincible or something
@@veryinactiveukmapping I’m pretty sure it’s in its sheath
@@thoroughlucidstream5146 **Credits roll**
"I'm much more worried about you smashing yourself."
Wow, that was a-that was a sentence that someone was paid to say.
Seriously, who talks like that?
What’s wrong with it?
I’m much more worried about how little that someone is getting paid to say that line in such a horrendous way, come on, Oscar Isaac has said even worse lines but delivered them in a somewhat tolerable way.. if it weren’t for the writing.. of course..
@@SilliesrShark109 It's just.. awkward. I think it'd be better if the sentence was "Well I'd be more worried over you getting hurt" along with a better delivery va-job
@@SilliesrShark109 another meaning could come to mind whe she words it like that
The mom went from sounding asleep to angry in like 2 seconds.
I rewrote this in about 15 minutes
*The kid is at the top of the stairs swinging around the mighty great sword with both hands*
Child “mommy look I’m a warrior like you *immatating swooshing noises*”
*child trips and falls down the stairs dropping the sword, Mom catches her but the sword falls to the ground beside her*
Mom: “Are you alright baby?”
Child: “I’m fine but what about your sword”
Mom: “Swords can be repaired, you can’t. What did I tell you about running around the house with swords?”
Child: “I’m sorry, I just wanted to be a warrior like you”
Mom: “I understand baby, but you need to be careful. I suppose it’s time I taught you how to hold that sword properly”
*The mom hands the child her sword and the child immediately goes into the same exaggerated warrior pose*
Mom: “your stance is all wrong, see your legs need to be further apart for maximum balance, probably explains why you fell down the stairs”
*The mom demonstrates the stance and the child copies as we fade out of the flashback*
Man, this AI-generated dialogue is pretty impressive. It almost feels like a human wrote it.
Technology man, I'm telling you. It's some pretty neat shit.
Yeah, I think it's kinda awkward tho. Human's writing still much better
Not
At least AI doesn't discriminate between men and women
Pokemon
i’m less worried about the dialogue here and more worried about the dude at the end walking at the speed of light relative to everyone else in the frame
almost seems like they don't want him to be seen
Looks like Walmart Yuno ngl
@@seasoaper BRUH, I HATE THE RESEMBLANCE NOW!
maybe he’s walking normally and those girls are slow walkers
@@seasoaper never thought I’d ever see a black clover reference.
This show is the perfect example on how not to write dialogue. Considering I'm writing my own book, I'm taking it to heart
I’m a writer too, and this sounds like something someone on the staff has never wrote anything before. Meanwhile, I’ve been writing for over a decade, and I’m more confident in my writing skills than whatever this is.
As a fellow writer, same
This show feels like making a series at 12 years old and not changing anything over the years
Everyone else is here talking about the writing while I'm here baffled at the first five seconds where the sword goes from falling out from in front of the character to somehow both above and behind her to be caught by a person moving diagonally in from behind, presumably through the railing and/or stairs.
And then the characters are teleported into different positions. The mother stands protag up so that protag is now facing away from the stairs when she was facing that way before the cut.
They haven't even started talking and I'm losing my mind.
They need a continuity supervisor
I even thought there was another person in that room
Nobody told the animators that spatial reasoning is an essential skill in their field.
I kept replaying this clip over and over again to see how that works.
I thought there were 2 people but nah, they teleport I guess
I love how the professor just kinda glides into frame at the end
Literally Tokyo drifts into the scene
He walks faster than most characters run In this show.
Please tell me that the professor was moving fast to get infront of those 3 to get their attention, and not because the show can’t even animate background characters properly
they still haven't figured out how to animated walking cycles / movements that don't feel supernatural or forced.
Lmao it looked so funny.
Tf was she even going to show her mom? Her own damn weapon?
I broke when this black haired dude speedwalked passed them so fast
"iM Much More worried TO SeE you smashing YouRseLf"
Why was that so funny?
Because her voice went from gentle and soothing like a mother to cranky and fluctuating like a teenager
@@supagb7700 ah yeah I guess that makes sense
She changed voice actors mid line
eh becauseeee eee
Because all I could think about was something dirty.
A much less weird way of saying that is
“I almost broke your sword”
“I’m more worried about you breaking your face”
Smash isn’t really a good choice of wording!
True, but children often use _technically_ correct terms in places that normal adults _wouldn't._ My guess is they were trying to approximate that, but didn't account for the fact that a loving parent would _also_ correct the way a child speaks so they grow up to sound _normal._
"I almost smashed your sword!"
"You can't smash a sword, and it wouldn't be worth much if it broke from just that. I'm much more worried about you hurting yourself."
Something like that.
@@VueiyVisarelli exactly. someone gets it.
"Breaking your face" doesn't really sound right either
@@yasi420 unless she said it in a joking/flippant tone
@@Faux_Sunlight why would the mom be joking about the child busting her head wide open
"I'm much more worried about you smashing yourself"
Who tf thought of this
"Who taught you how to hold this sword?"
"You did"
"Let me teqch you again!"
Bru
The part at the end with the professor guy fastwalking to the front in complete silence is funnier than any of the actual jokes in the show
Moving png
Hey you are heard about of.......,...............
Transition potions? 0o0
PFFFFFTTT
I’ve seen wattpad fan fiction by 14 year olds with better dialogue
HELP WHY IS THIS TRUE
When I was 9 I wrote FNaF fanfiction on Wattpad with better dialogue 😭
@@musicboxtoxic bro what were you doing on wattpad at 9 years old 💀
Bruv I was eating crayons
As a now older than 14 year old wattpad fanfiction writer
I appreciate it
Thank god someone didn't compare this dialogue to our skills
(which aren't the best but cmon, cmonnn, this dialogue wasn't even dialogue it was words mashed toghether)
@@l0rrow288 bestie why do you think them 14 year olds are able to write something like "my immortal" at their age😭✨ we start at like 1st grade the moment we learn how to write n read
It's an instinct that pulls you in
Ur either born a wattpader or ur not 😭
“I’m more worried about you smashing yourself!” I DOUBLED OVER LAUGHING
Zukerberk to his human speech coach:
,, Write that down! Write that down!"
somewhat fixed dialogue:
"sorry, mom!"
"don't worry about it."
"but i almost broke your sword!"
"it's fine. besides, i'd be more worried about you breaking a bone. but you can't go running around the house with a sword!"
"but you do that all the time!"
"hm. then perhaps i better teach you how to hold this thing."
Dude this is significantly better
@@spheal608 tyy!! the scene all together is kinda awkward, so it's somewhat hard to write convincing dialogue for it to begin with lol
This does exactly what dialogues like these are supposed to.
1. Establish the relationship between parent and child.
2. Show the temperament of the character in their infancy.
3. Establish the background behind how and why she has this sword. i.e. Source of inspiration.
4. A basic, but believable reason why the MC might be gifted.
Simple, but good stuff. It shows you understand people.
not me having an existential crisis because im already bad at plot writing and the way i write dialogue writing is like the show's way of writing dialogue, so therefore, I HAVE NO DIEA HOW TO IMPROVE MY DIALOGUE WRITING PLEASE HELP
@@voidfulunarxecularity8726 hey! don't worry :) i guess just maybe think about what YOU would say in that situation? channel empathy lol.
edit: even if the character has a different personality to you- channel what an appropriate response would be. i think knowing who your character IS as a person helps you make dialogue unique and interesting while still being realistic.
I will edit this in a way like that girl that died because of umbrella kun. This will be funny.
And it's finished
Sheeeeeesh 😭
thank you for your hard work
Literally the first thought I had when I saw this the first time.
My neck still hurts just thinking about it after all these years…
???
@@sixkicksfightertricks949 The anime “Another”. It’s definitely worth a watch. Can’t get into the plot too deep without spoilers, but it’s a thriller if you’re into the genre
wait, lemme try fixing this real quick-
"Mom! Look! Look, look, loo-!" *falls*
*GASP* "Mom, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to-"
"Oh hush, sweetheart. Don't worry, it's alright."
"I almost dropped your sword though..."
*chuckle* "A sword like this won't break if you just drop it."
":("
"Now who taught you to run around the house with a sword like that?"
"Well, /you./" *chuckle*
"Hah! You're probably right! Maybe it's time I teach you how to hold this correctly then."
I love how she’s alone in the stairs, falls forward and her mom just teleports behind her to grab her
I think I found the problem. This show was clearly made with a heavy emphasis on storyboarding, but the people involved aren't very good at translating those images into a proper animation with proper sounds. The establishing shot is only one second, but when she's running down the stairs we don't hear loud footsteps or wood creaking or anything. Sounds like she's just walking. The sword makes a "woosh" sound from traveling in the air, but we don't hear the smack of the handle in her hand. We don't hear a gasp from the MC or her going "woah" when they cut to a shot of her face, and when her mom lowers the blade we don't hear any sound from the blade.
The dialogue's bad, but the sound design and mixing is atrocious. That sword may as well be a ball with how little sound it makes.
Hah, that's not even the worst of audio mixing problems of this show.
I was expecting it to be bad, but HOLY FUCK... Just listen to Squid Boy talk. They really just have him a headset or something.
What was the budget again?
@@DonVigaDeFierro There was a budget?
Dude swords don't actually vibrate in the air with every little movement making that *swing* metallic sound you hear in shows. That's usually just a media trope and I'd be much better off without it.
@@nekosaiyajin8529 The sound was so light and abrupt that didn´t make sense either
80% opacity bread PNG.
Enough said.
I like how Rosemary doesn't even sound like a child.
@@ploonette222 I mean, I still do the same, but with a Spanish accent. (Same spelling, but pronounced "Mami") But she doesn't even sound like a kid, so it's just cringey to hear.
@@feliz695 yeah!
Nice avatar
@@ploonette222 Cultural differences I think. "Mommy" isn't the informal, "mom" is. The formal is "mother".
In portuguese we get Mãe, mamãe and mamãezinha. It looks like the same, but both the formal and common informal is "mãe". Only very very small children (2 years and younger) will use "mamãe", and "mamãezinha" is the stupidly dorky affectionate you only use when you want to fake affection in a jokey/ironic manner (translates roughly to "my little mom").
@@alineortolan6110 oh sorry, I just thought it was weird lol
This has the same feeling as one of those voice dub crack videos. Like it feels unnatural enough that my brain just refuses to believe this is the show’s dialogue.
have the writers never had a genuine conversation with another human being before
There is so much wrong, alright, let's do this:
- Rose is walking down the stairs and like a typical protagonist trips over nothing
- From the way she falls and let's go of the sword, it should land flatly on the ground and she on top of it.
- The mom catches it in the air as if her daughter have thrown it upwards as she was falling down, which she didn't.
- Mum catches her daughter from behind, Rosemary should be hanging from her arm, not in this awkwardly romantic position and blushing. This creator put anime cliches in random places to full you that it's not just a cartoon, but did they seriously put a mother and a daughter in a ''characters falls but is saved at the last moment, blushes and falls in love/develops a crush''. With their high difference, the mum character should be doing splits right now.
- How old is supposed to be Rosemary in this scene, how come this conversation never come up before ?
- What a great mother and a guardian ! You never talked about sword safety with your daughter or just put it somewhere safe so she can't get it. I assume when Rosemary was running screaming ''look'' with a sword in her hands, she probably tried to show of some new trick she pulled of. That's what children do. It's the equivalent of a police officer, living a gun for his/her kids to play with.
- The idea of a sword being so fragile is so stupid. It's supposed to be a weapon, not some useless accessories for celebrations. There could have been a plot point that the sword is practically indestructible, but there is one or two things that it can't cut or there is a way to erode it with time if not taken care of. If it was some magic wand, staff or gem that is powerful but can be easily destroyed, that would've made sense. I come up with a better idea for a plot in a minute then a room full of ''writers'' in who knows how long, but probably more then that.
Head canon - Mom was doing a split. XD
I love this comment
I’ve never seen this show or know anything about it and I did not think that was her mother who caught her… because of the gross way they portrayed it lol the romantic arm catch and blushing. I was like is this her new crush and than it’s her mom lmao like what? Why, did they make it like that..
@@meganmeowcat
Same. I had no idea this show existed till now and thought the girl fell in love with a stranger who saved her lol
I have literally never seen this show and when Rosemary's mom caught her I actually thought it was a pretty boy she was going to develop a crush on until she announced it was her mom. Very bad idea!
Not a very good sword if it smashes when you drop it
(the plot for an episode)
Guess it just a wall hanger lol
maybe its a glass sword or something
@@TestAcct46 well then it’s a REALLY bad sword
And aperently its enchanted somehow
I re-made the dialogue, sorry if it sounds unnatural still haha
"Mom, quickly come, lookie!"
(Trips)
"AH!"
"Mom! Mom! I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to!"
"Shh, Rosemary. Its fine, no worries."
"I could have broken your sword though, isn't it basically a relic?"
(Chuckles) "It had the scabbard on, calm down. Besides, I'd be more concerned if you broke a bone."
"Still, don't run around with weapons! You could seriously hurt yourself, dear."
"Is that not what you do pretty much everyday?"
"Hmph, I suppose you're right."
"Well then, I probably should teach you how to hold this old thing."
I tried my best to rewrite a little.
*Rosemary:* “I’m sorry Mommy! I didn’t mean to-“
*Mom:* “Hey! Hey! It’s alright!”
*Rosemary:* “But I almost broke ur sword…”
*Mom:* “I’m more worried about you hurting yourself. Who even raised you to run around the house with swords?”
*Rosemary:* “You?”
*Mom:* “Hahaha! I guess I did, didn’t I? How about I teach you to hold a sword so you don’t hurt yourself next time?”
“Smashing yourself.” Doesn’t hit the ear right with a mom and daughter dynamic here 🤣🤣🤣
Yeah I was like there wasn’t ANY other phrase or word they could use 💀
"Oh yeah. it's all coming together."
-Kronk 2001
@@hobomike6935 kronk is a legend, ngl
This sword is really magic! It changes it's size every second
I'm glad that the animators had everything planned
and it can teleport and fly
And it can apparently fly. A child drops it and yet an adult needs to reach over their head to grab it.
@@Avatarbee Literally😭-
Like the pink kid dropped it downwards but the mom literally caught it in the air 😭😭😰😰
it has more detail than anything else shown on the screen
No no, you've got it all wrong.
The mother is a giant.
THIS IS HOW I TALK IM SO CONFUSED
When your dialogue makes the Star Wars prequels sound like Shakespeare
Absolutely died at the dude walking past like he was on a tredmill
*Dudette
@@aoto8897*dude
@@Lego_Spidey120 That guy’s actually trans
@@76o90his whole personality trait
Bro fr he’s GLIDING
why is rose looks like a female version of shiro from voltron?
still better grammar than "smashing yourself" from the video lol
Because this show is about as original as one of those shameless Scooby Doo rip offs from the 70s?
My brain said Adora first, but no, you're right. It's Shiro.
She looks like final season shiro
Lol, so that is why I recognized her😆
Gotta love the SFX team, they really made that "dangerous" sword sound like a cheap plastic toy
"im much more worried about you smashing yourself." that just sounds so wrong in many different ways lmao
HOW DID THE TEACHER JUST QUICKLY ZOOM INTO THE PANEL GDKHFOYD
Side effects of the "trans" potion.
The dude legit walks faster than most anime people run.
Okay, I'm here to be that meanie again who takes apart the dialogue and tells you why your brain just feels like it wants to turn off. Here is my explanation as to why the dialogue is objectively bad and how you can advoid such problems.
For starters, let's ignore all the dangers of catching falling (floating?) sharp objects...
And this dialogue has a problem with pacing. It knows where it wants to end up, but it doesn't give itself time to get there. So it short cuts a lot of essential moments that could have enriched the scene. You have no idea how many times I've read or heard bad dialogue and said, "You know that could have been fixed if you added one more piece of dialogue." And that's what this is suffering from.
So what does a properly paced scene look like? Probably, more like this:
Spice Girl (I don't know their names...): Mommy, mommy look what I could do!
***Spice girl trips***
Mom: What are you doing? I told you not to play with that!
Spice Girl: I'm... I...
Mom: This isn't a toy. You could have hurt yourself.
Spice Girl: I'm sorry... I just wanted to show you something. I-I didn't mean to almost break it.
***Mom sighs.***
Mom: Honey, it's not the sword I'm worried about. It's you. You mean far more than this ever will. ***slight smile*** And I think this is a little my fault. I think maybe its time I show you the right way to do things. How about it?
See how mom reacts appropriately, first with worry, then anger and then with realization that she does have a duty to ensure her daughter stays safe with weapons in the house? That's far more relatable than what happened here. Yes, they end up the same place, but one takes it time. Go through this message board. Others on this board took their take on the dialogue and it's amazing what a few extra words and lines do to change the meaning into something of substance!
But that's just this scene. I want to switch gears and address the bigger picture of why this scene doesn't work in context to the rest of the show. What does this scene do for the show? Well, in the next scene, she's looking at the sword like she has a respect and a reverence for it. That's good. It means whatever mom taught her really sank in. But then a few other scenes, she's recklessly swinging it around showing that what she learned didn't. Which is it? That's character inconsistency! Either she respects the sword as the only thing she has of her mother or she doesn't. Neither of these are bad approaches, but they have to be consistant.
What does this sword represent to this character? If she feels reverence towards it, she needs to show that throughout the show and not be so reckless. If she wants to feel revence towards it, but slips up because of her own human flaw, then she needs to feel remorse and these scenes not be played up for the lol's. If she thinks she feels reverence, but lacks the maturity to show that in her actions, then at some point be forced to own up to that.
The lesson here: Pacing. Pacing your dialogue and letting it develop naturally and organtically is really an art. But it's worth doing. The second lesson is to carefully think of objects and props meaning in a wider context. Don't just throw things in there and only has meaning when you feel like it. Consistant characters are of the utmost importance.
This is the best comment in the section, why is it so far down
this is an incredible comment
Like the people above me said, this is a great comment. It's a shame that it's an underrated one
@@TheShanicpower Probably because not a lot of people want to read this long youtube comment.
@@leafyclone1176 Yeah, much easier to read copy-pasted 9gag meme templates
0:18 I’m sorry.. that noise took me off guard
"I was worried about you going around smashing yourself."
*R34 artists in the corner* "Wright that down, wright that down!"
It’s like the editor just cut out a minute of dialogue, then said “screw it” and moved on.
The editor saw the infamous flower shop scene from The Room and thought, "I can top that!"
@@GlassesnMouthplates they weren’t even bad enough to top that.
I'm sorry I-I almost broke your sword!"
"It's alright sweetie, I should've been more responsible in teaching you how to wield it." her mother chuckled nervously as she's relieved that her daughter is alright including the sword but mentally scolds herself for not being responsible enough.
"Then I might grab another one because this sword is fragile."
"Fragile?" Rosemary asked her mother.
(Y'all can add the rest. Subtract if you want.)
Very well written 👏
when fanfic writers write better than the original creators did lmao
“Yes.” Her mother replied. She casted her gaze down to the sheath, and gently grazed her fingers over the worn embellishments and engravings.
“This one has seen many battles over the years. It was very handy back then, but after so much use it’s become quite fragile.” She lifted her head to once again lock eyes with her daughter. With a gentle grace, she moved the sword out of the way, and reached out to ruffle Rosemary’s hair.
“We can go and pick up a new one for you. You can even choose what you want engraved and decorated on it-“ A light danced in her daughter’s eyes as she spoke, so she continued, this time a little more stern.
“-but that means you better think carefully! We can’t have you burn through everything we have on a dysfunctional sword, now can we?” She grinned, only slightly joking.
Please stop trying so hard, this show doesn't deserve the effort.
You could have just let a cat walk across the keyboard and you'd get equal to or better than the writing in this show.
"Yes...fragile, brittle...just like YOUR CHIN!"
She rips a sudden haymaker from the hip but Rosemary slips the punch before curling her body inwards and sending her own missile of a hit straight into her mothers solar plexus. The impact of crunching bone seems to rip the air of the room as well as her lungs, and for an ice-cold moment of nothingness the follow through catches up with reality and rockets her entire form spinning through the air and blasting through the side of the house.
Rosemary is hovering ominously a few feet above the stairs, empty eyes rolling over to the most grim of blacks, an aura of rippling unlife rotting every surface in her presence, decaying everything. The plagues of Father Nurgle had manifested in her at last...
This is mobile-game-ad level dialog and quality.
Can we talk about the professor rollerblading at the end? 😩 Like what is this shoddy animation.
That delivery of, “Sweetheart,” sounded so exasperated and pained. Also, I love how much silence there is after the clip ends.
I just love that guy who's just running with a book on it's hand
more like a jpeg of a guy sliding in existence
@@sai_darkbu11et61 more like dream speedrunning
@@Cocoterpi You can run in your dreams ? For me it's the complete opposite. 😂
He unlocked the exploit secret that lets you increase your move speed without actually running, which drains your stamina over time.
I think you mean she. It’s trans character.
I feel like the creators of the "anime" skipped childhood. That would explain multiple things about the cast and character dialouge.
why does mom lowkey seem like a predator 😭
Did the mother hit puberty in the middle of the sentence 😆 🤣
reverse puberty
@@neoslayerpw8230 grown't
Is her sword made out of porcelain? Why is it so easy to break?
The idea of a sword being so fragile is so stupid. It's supposed to be a weapon, not some useless accessories for celebrations. There could have been a plot point that the sword is practically indestructible, but there is one or two things that it can't cut or there is a way to erode it with time if not taken care of. If it was some magic wand, staff or gem that is powerful but can be easily destroyed, that would've made sense. I come up with a better idea for a plot in a minute then a room full of ''writers'' in who knows how long, but probably more then that.
_Why is it so easy to break?_
Because otherwise the mom's line wouldn't make any sense.
An attempt to fix the dialogue. I'm not a professional, but, thought I'd throw in my hat.
Rosemary: "Mom! Lookit! Mommy!"
*ANIMATE THE SHOTS OF HER AND THE SWORD BEING CAUGHT SO THEY MAKE SPATIAL SENSE*
Rosemary: "Mommy, I'm so sorry, I didn't-"
Mom: "Hush, it's alright, no one got hurt. Although-"
Rosemary: "I know! I- I almost broke your sword!"
Mom: "What? No. Sweetheart, this is steel. I'm more worried about YOU. Why were you running through the house with a sword?!"
Rosemary: "I was practicing moves with it upstairs-"
Mom: "What?!"
Rosemary: "And- and I wanted to show off! I wanna be just like you, mom!"
Mom: "Just like me?"
Rosemary: "Yeah!"
Mom: "...oh, Rosemary."
Rosemary: "What?"
Mom: "A sword can be fun to wield, but it's not a toy, even sheathed. I'm... ... ...this weapon has kept me safe, but it's come with hurting a lot of people. The last thing I'd ever want is you hurt, too. All it takes is one accident, and..."
Rosemary: "..."
Mom: *sighs* "I know that look in your eye. Tell you what. After supper, what if I show you a few moves?"
Rosemary: "Really?!"
Mom: "If you're going to keep finding my swords and playing with them behind my back, I might as well teach you how to hold them responsibly. I'll get you a dull sword to practice with, and every other day, we'll set some time aside so you can learn basic techniques. In exchange, no taking my swords until I say you're ready, and *no running with sharp things, ESPECIALLY in the house.* Got it?"
Rosemary: "O-Okay! Thanks mom!"
Idk. Still not crazy about it but there's only so much sprucing you can give a turd.
"I almost smash your sword"
"The sword is going to be alright, you are the one I'm worried about sweetie"
You could "fix" the most notable dialogue's "errors" just by making a little effort on how word your phrases it man.
Please don't try fixing their shitty show. It's funnier this way
"You could "fix" the dialogue"
no, you couldn't. this show is beyond saving.
@@hobomike6935 You can fixed the dialog, but you can't fix the show.
It would still be "smashed". I'm guessing English isn't your first language, because you made it a little worse lol.
@@KawaiiBabyTragon No, i don't think they did. They typed smash instead of smashed, it happens, but the rest of the sentence does look better.
THE PROFESSOR SPEEDWALKING LMFAO
"Mom look it! mommy!" Who dafaq says that. It's either "MOM! LOOK WHAT (I/I'VE) (HAVE/GOT)" or "MOM! LOOK HERE"
In the English language, the basic formation of a sentence is a *clause, subject, verb, object* and *phrase.*
*Clause:* The goal of a sentence, i.e communicate to someone
*Clause Example:* I want my mother to see me holding her sword. To turn the clause into a sentence there are 3 requirements. A subject(Mom),verb(See) and object(sword) or simply "Mom see sword"
"Mom look it! mommy! Breaks and sounds alien because the clause is unclear.
Sentence is structured as such; subject(mom) verb(look), object(it), and phrase(mommy).
*Phrase:* Modifies a word in a sentence, i.e gives context to a word.
*Phrase example:* I am "at" work. I am "near" work.
"Mom look it! mommy!: Clause implies mom look at object(it) with phrase(mommy) so "Mom look at MOM." She is one of the few characters without two moms, so it doesn't work here.
OR if we swap phrase(mommy) to subject(mom) we get "Mom look at that other MOMMY" which is the same error as the first one.
OR we ignore the subject(mommy) and let subject(mommy) become its own sentence and it becomes "mommy look at It!" implying "It" is a person's name and they should be looking at person(It).
What's missing with sentence "Mom look it! mommy! is a phase to give context on (it) which is the (sword) which is why "MOM look SWORD! MOMMY!" sounds infinitely more correct than "Mom look IT! mommy!
And why "MOM! LOOK HERE" clause: Look at me mom, I am holding a sword, subject(mom), verb(look), object(me).
Children/toddlers understand this basic rule subconsciously to form sentences.
Ok now we speedrun the remaining dialogue. Using corrections from @_chlo.yo_
"Mommy I'm so sorry, i didn't..."
Subject(Mommy), verb(sorry), object(i didn't????) She included an object which makes no sense as it implies, she did break a sword, or hurt her mom which we can see... NO -_-.
*Correction:* "Sorry, mom!"
----------
"Hush, sweetheart it's alright" if her daughter's name was called Hush, it would be fine.
Verb(Hush) subject(sweetheart), phase(it's alright)
*Problem:* "Hush implies a negative verb" I.E kill or stab. there is a lack of phase in Hush to give Hush a positive context.
This is why *correction:* "Hush, it's alright sweetheart" sounds much better because the phase(it's alright) is attached to verb(Hush) while the original phrase(it's alright) is attached to subject(sweetheart).
-----------
"I almost smashed your sword" DID U JUST USE AN ADJECTIVE AS A VERB?!?
*correction:* "but I almost broke your sword!"
----------
"I'm much more worried about you smashing yourself." MADAM! DID U JUST USE A VERB AS AN ADJECTIVE?!?
Sentence is grammatically correct if it's a sexual innuendo however I hope the writer aren't being inappropriate.
*Correction:* "It's fine. besides, I'd be more worried about you breaking a bone. but you can't go running around the house with a sword!"
----------
"Who raised you to run around the house with swords" HUH??? YOU'RE HER MOTHER
*correction:* DELETE IT
----------
"You did"
*correction:* "but you do that all the time!" Fix isn't grammatic. Fixing idiocy...
----------
"It's time I taught you how to hold this precious weapon." If it was precious, why would u leave it easily accessible for a 5-year-old to wield down the stairs?
*Correction:* "hm. then perhaps I better teach you how to hold this thing."
I really don't want to be that guy, but the "i'm more worried about you smashing yourself" line is hilarious for all the wrong reasons
"Smashing yourself", is a weird thing to say instead of "injurying yourself"..
She sounds like an "Ara Ara" mommy and then turns to hyper soccer mom in a matter of seconds.
Oh my god
"i'm much more worried
about you smashing yourself"
Let's don't take that out of context
SELFCEST BAYBEEEE
Let's don't huh
she almost smashed the sword too smh
Is this entire show AI generated, I refuse to believe humans worked on this.
This is the most normal dialogue I've heard
Gotta give props to the writing team for having early access to ChatGPT as early as 2018
Uhh… let’s consider that ONE LINE…
“I’m more concerned about you smashing yourself.”
NNN
Let that sink in
@@nyarlathotep9622 playing with yourself..
@@ArtseyHayton06 TwT
@@nyarlathotep9622 Or let that slick in.
I love how they show Rose let her really important memento sword of her mother slip out of her butterfingers, then IMMEDIATELY show in flashback right afterwards her mother taught her how to hold the fucking thing properly to prevent exactly that from happening.