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A lot of shaming, isn't just shaming it's a form of manipulation and guilt tripping. "I did so much for you why can't you do this for me!" "I want grand children before I die! I won't see my grand children in heaven because you don't go to church anymore!" "I just want what's best for you!" It's all manipulation, it's all meant to make you feel guilty, It's a form of control. Don't fall for it. They aren't saying that because they love you and genuninely want what is best for you. They are saying this to manipulate you so that you will do what they want. If a parent has this attitude that you "owe" them something. That's not a parent child relationship, It's a business relationship. I feel like a lot of parents only have children because they just want another version of themselves. Not an independent free thinking person with their own thoughts, wants, and needs. Children aren't clones of their parents. You child will probably be different from you in many ways. You won't agree with all their beliefs, or decisions. that's just something parents need to accept. If you want a child, just so that you can have another clone of yourself you are having kids for the wrong reasons.
Majima-san! Also I agree with you. My mother wanted me to be an extension of her, and now as a 42 year old woman, I have no idea who I am, if the likes and interests I have are because I LIKE THEM or because she told me I needed to like them because she liked them. She wanted a mini-me, and I failed her. She wanted a family so she could play house and expected us to fix her, and we all failed in spectacular fashion. Families that are started because of appearances to keep or thinking that they're going to fix the gaping hole inside you because your family was so effed up -- nope, that only leads to more disaster. Those are precisely the wrong reasons to have a family, and that's the reason why most generations beginning with the boomers are so messed up. Families became a type of luxury item that people couldn't afford -- not just money but time, love, care, discipline, etc.
@@spacegirl226Obviously you shouldn't have kids to fill a giant unhealed hole from having a dysfunctional family of origin🤔...However it IS nice to have a happy healthy family & give your kids the things you didn't have like ❤️ & understanding though🙂.For a sizeable chunk of us our unfortunate background actually makes us even more determined to be healthy loving parents & create a warm loving 🏡 for our children, we understand what we didn't have & know the importance of giving it to our own family.Every one of us that has kids & has created a warm loving home should feel proud because we created something healthy that we ourselves didn't have when growing up🌞👍🏻.
Kids will typically have fairly similar family values & whatnot with their families...But it's absolutely fascinating to 👀 them gradually grow into their own unique person with their own talents, preferences, & overall way of doing things.We would be so boring if we were all the same & it's almost a bit tragic in a way that people like narcs can never understand this.
I was shamed as a young person and my personal choices suffered deeply. I managed to be so strong, and left the home years after. Iñ the 70s none of this was discussed. Why did all this happen? It's the opposite of love.
Dad thinks he is Jesus because he has a beard. He says I have to go to Mass(we're Catholic, not all Catholics are like him) in any weather, 1/2 hour walk for me, each way. I don't have a vehicle, nor do I have to answer his asinine interrogations. He acts entitled to harrass me! He needs to grow up and shut the hell up! He's toxic. on rare occasions, he's pleasant, kind to me, but spoils those times by being narcissistic, entitled to waste my time. When I inquired where he was, his girlfriend(enabler/flying monkey) said "He's always been this way, he'll never change." As if he is entitled to do so. Surreal! An excuse for him to mistreat me!
I was artistic since a child. I drew for my highschool yearbook. My father told me an artist will never be a good job. I still went on to college for art. My parents never came to visit me for any reason. I always had to be the one to drive to visit them. I only thought about this as I got older.
Yeah I was a hairstylist so ya know I played with hair all day for 25 years and had a fake job even though I had people drive 60 min to come see me! My brother and sister went to college and had “real” jobs even though me and my sister’s jobs are BOTH state licensed professions! 😂😂😂 dumb AF
I was an artistic child too, but because my father told me that it isn't a job, I didn't pursue it. I lost three years of my life on tech college, didn't get the degree because I just wasn't smart enough for it. I honestly believe that if I didn't listen to my parents, I'd be better off. Literally everyone now can make money being an artist and putting their art online, doing tutorial videos, putting photos on Instagram, etc.
Same story. My only gift was my ability to draw and paint. My family ignored it as something cute but insignificant. Once when I was already in my fifties, my mother innocently told me that I should have done something with my art. I didn't even dignify it with a response. It was a talent I never developed because it was so devalued. I can understand why people say they're evil.
same, when i was in the second grade i used to love drawing rocket ships for some reason. My dad saw me drawing and used to always ask "why dont you draw something that will make money?" For the longest time i thought drawing for fun was a waste of time, i hated him for that
In my case it was my narcissistic grandparents that shamed me for choosing to be a professional musician. I found it wild that they acted this way because they were always at my band concerts in school, saw me move out to Hollywood at 18, and even went to my gig when I was touring through my home town. So they knew I had a future in it. They just wanted a doctor or lawyer grandson so they could tell everyone in their town about it. The funny thing is my cousin played the "I want to be a doctor" card with them just to get on their good side so he could get money out of them. Music is in my blood. Ive been playing instruments since I was 5. You dont just make it "a weekend thing" when its ingrained in you like that.
I feel like the boomers and gen x are extremely narcissistic. If you don’t go to college and enter the corporate world or be a doctor or whatever you are nothing to them. You could be making $100K in the trades but they will still treat you like a 2nd class citizen. And if you have any health problems, forget it. And it doesn’t matter if you have debilitating pain or had to overcome obstacles that they made for you drastically altering your trajectory. They hate fun, the hate art, the hate individualism, they hate the happiness of other people. If they’re not hating you from perceived superiority they’re hating you because they’re jealous.
Yup. My parents questioned my husband and I's "church attendance" but never asked us _why_ we weren't attending. Also, my family was SO RUDE to my now husband who is so incredibly healthy and loves me to pieces. Wonder why...🤔🫣 When we had this convo, I was 42 and hubby was 52!! 🤯🤯😱
I was raised mormon so it's a whole culture of shame. Everything you do is bad including laughing too loud. The natural man is an enemy of god afterall. And thinking something is the same as doing it. So we are all unworthy of god for just being. Of course the church has the cure for the low price of at least 10 hrs every week and 10 of your income (even if you're homeless). Add in two narc parents who have always felt they were perfect and I barely survived childhood. The only reason I escaped them as an adult is because my mom's Alzheimers meant that her drive to completely dominate me and make all my life decisions for me was no longer there. The other two narcs (my sis and dad) were not powerful enough to continue to control the family without mom. Now the regular folks in the family are free to live authentically and the two lesser narcs are flailing around trying to hoover people back in for supply.
We sometimes chose not to have children because even if we didn't have the language we somehow KNEW those poor kids would have toxic grandparents and we didn't want to put those kids through that OR ourselves through any more torture with these parents
I recently came up with a phrase that described my life situation and the choices I made. Maybe it'll help you and others who read this comment. "I didn't have any children because I didn't have any parents." Simple. Sweet. To the point and 100% accurate. I wanted children. I still do. But I'm in no place in my life to have them. It has nothing to do with cost or expenses but the fact that I'm so messed up and my parents are useless. Even though I would try to be different for my child, I wouldn't be able to give them what I didn't get. I would have perpetuated the cycle of abuse and generational trauma. It's probably too late for me now anyway. I don't know what I wanted out of life, but this facsimile of a life I have now I never would have dreamed up.
I chose not to have kids for various reasons(I don't like physical pain, Dad sexually, emotionally, physically and psychologically abused me for decades. He blamed me. What a jerk!
I have a list of all the hateful and hurtful things my old man has said to me since my decade-long marriage fell apart and I had to move back home to the narc family (that I desperately tried to escape -- you know the drill). One of the worst things my old man said was "You're twenty years behind everybody else!" I'm sorry what? I didn't know life was a competition with other people. I didn't know that I needed to be right up there with my peers who are also miserable and divorced and addicted to drugs, etc etc. If I'd actually had some guidance from my parents and some attention and care, maybe I wouldn't have made bad choices like running away with a man (just like my father) who abused and neglected me. I didn't know any better because of the crappy examples I had growing up. Then he tried to shame me with the "I could have told you not to marry him!" BUT INSTEAD he chose to do literally nothing, didn't care, didn't try to have a heart to heart with me where he voiced his concerns. It felt like a "bye, get out of my hair, you nuisance" because my entire life with that man has been him telling me I'm a nuisance because I exist in his sphere of influence. I didn't ask to be born and certainly not to him and my demonic mother. Every time my old man has ever "helped" me progress in life -- which have been few and far between, he's come back to say "I wish I'd never done that." My old man is a judgmental blame-n-shame machine. At least with my mother she's so deep into her trauma and delusions that she doesn't dare say a word about how messed up I am -- she knows I'll give it right back to her -- but my old man has no qualms reducing me to a pile of mush with his total lack of empathy and self reflection. One narcissistic parent is bad enough but two...is nothing short of a nightmare. My heart goes out to everyone who has had to deal with this rubbish all their lives. If you can go no contact, do it. Your peace of mind is far more valuable than putting up with people who hate you. Thanks, Jerry!
Shaming and blaming would never stop from narc parents. System, society values (standards) and religions are on their side in the matter of shaming, not on ours, also in the matter of other things. Shaming is dangerous, could have serious consequences like rage, bad social skills, bad relationship choices and many many other.
Begging for Grandkids. " We only have four. " I said that's ironic because When we were young, you didn't even want to be bothered with your own four kids that you had. If it wasn't for the emotional neglect I endured, maybe you would have some more.
my mother's 1st guilt trip " I'm your mother" the current "you need my help so why can't you _______"? And lastly.... " I'm almost 80yrs old". everyday... every single day... before I was aware... they worked.... now when she starts... I just put my headphones on...
My parents simply made any choice wrong. Hedging their bets. Haha. Long dead and now my sister has taken up the batton. 66, no contact so finally free! Yay! Thanks Jerry, love this
exactly! and it's always healing to look at them outside the role of being parents.... they are just two individuals who mated and got kids nothing qualifies them for being parents besides pushing a human out lol....
Neither my niece or nephew want children, due to their own bad childhood. Their mother, my sister, feels her life is ruined by not having grandchildren. If she looked closely at herself she'd see that you reap what you sow.
I love when all Jerry's examples are exact things I've had said to me - not because I'm a glutton for punishment, but because it makes it easy for me to see that I'm not crazy after all - it's actually been a big relief!
Thank you, that must explain why my mother said she was so upset that I was in a dead-end job - a job she knew nothing about. I didn't talk and they didn't ask. I decided to leave school at 18, rather than go into higher education. If I bring money into the household, I thought, perhaps my father will start liking me. So I found a job, which offered on-the-job training, and decided to give myself a fortnight off before I started. First day of freedom, I walked into the garden, where my father was sitting in the sun with his book and cigarettes. He looked up when I came out, and said, *Why don't you go out and get yourself a job, you lazy cow.*
@@Here4TheHeckOfIt Thank you. It was harsh and also odd, because he knew I had a job to go to. When people were listening, he called me Lesley. When nobody was listening, I was cow, pig, bitch and occasionally slut: optional adjectives, lazy, stupid and selfish. He would also threaten to "break your bloody neck" or "break every bone in your bloody body." I don't know how much of a mess you need to be to talk like that to your daughter! He died 35 years ago, and I still hate his memory. It doesn't put my blood pressure up, but I just hope there isn't an afterlife, because I never want to see him again.
My mom told me that God would never forgive me for changing my college major from vocal performance to something more practical! I couldn't see myself making a living as an opera singer! Plus, I was starting to hate it! Later, when I was pregnant with my second child, my dad told me I was crazy to have another baby because I was too g damn old! He didn't approve of my second husband because he'd been a buddy of my narcissist first husband!
My dad constantly shamed me.. throughout childhood and adulthood. He also gossiped and complained about me to family members and even my neighbors. It's like he had this wierd vendetta. Been no contact about 5 years and really loving the peace and quiet.
literally everything i was excited about since i was a child, my father immediately brought up something negative about it or why its not a good idea. Even when i did my best to explain why he was wrong he would bring up the exact same argument the next time it was mentioned.
It took me 3 years to get a 2 year degree at a community college while having to work full-time with no support. When I sent my graduation certificate to a narc family member - she laughed at me over the phone. It wasn't a graduation from a University it was said. My teachers that I told - were angry. They worked at the Universities during the day and taught at the community college at night. They told me they didn't teach a cheap version at night. It was extremely tough getting it done and the narc tried to humiliate me, actually laughing at me - when I tried to show her how hard I worked. This was a very close family member. Gone now ...
Parents shame me for joining the US Marines then a civilian career as an Engineer and not becoming an Actor. I'm very successful as a result of my career choices. My father says that he disagrees with my joining the military because he had no respect for the military. Also he compared me to Chadwick Bosman and told me I could have been just like him. He would rather I be a dead actor vs an alive Engineer.
That's astonishing. Most parents would say, "an actor? No! Go and get yourself a proper job!" Isn't just getting accepted into the Marines a huge accomplishment?
@@lesleyvivien2876 yes to ship to Boot Camp only about 20 percent of young men meet the physical, academic and moral requirements. Then you have to pass the toughest Boot Camp in the world. At issue is that I was neglected and neither of my parents supported me. In fact they both put obstacles in my way. My success is a repudiation of the neglect and harm they did as they had absolutely nothing to do with it.
@@Here4TheHeckOfIt I think it's because my folks feel like they have to be in competition with me. It's always a game of one-upmanship with my Dad. If I accomplish something he always has a story about how he did something similar or better.
My environment that I came from shames.. Everything is based on that shame.. I remember when I came back and I ran into someone and he asked why am I happy all the time.. My comment to him was "why are you miserable all the time." That was the environment that I came from.. The downside of giving up shame and misery is that I was rejected by the whole environment.. In actuality I was rejected by that environment my whole life..
Your story is so familiar! Right down to the shaming for "being happy all the time!" I wish I'd said what you said. 😂 would love to have seen their reaction. That level of shame runs deep. Large extended family and they were judging all of us kids constantly. Even though their rejection was hard, I'm very happy as an adult to not be a part of that environment any more.
Good for you. You put your well-being first in spite of those who only had one intention.... trying to keep you down to their level. Take care and continue to be the happy person you are! 😊
I am a loser, I am a buster and I don't care. My dad was always obsessed about me being the smart kid and being able to figure everything out on my own with no help from him - even though I was born with two genetic disorders that made me look pretty freakish on top of it effecting my IQ. He allocated all of his resources in my brothers direction, never really helping me with anything - IE, buying a home or my education or even basic support if I was struggling. He will talk to me for 5 minutes a year on the phone, but has no interest in what is going on in my life. He is always in a rush to get off the phone cause he needs to do something for my brother or my brothers kid. He was one of those parents that did the very minimum till I was 18 and that was that. And it wasn't even the minimum, he couldn't even keep the utilities on or food in the fridge. I got my first job at 13 so I could eat properly. I don't really care for the man
I was contsantly shamed. Shamed for being tall and skinny (even though I don't have one picture where I'm tall and skinny), shamed for being ugly and looking like a not-very attractive (but very successful) comedienne (even though I was a normal, cute kid), shamed for being flat=chested when I was a slim teen. Now I see it all as a manipulation. My parents are deceased and I have gone no contact with my siblings, but I have carried this low self-esteem and embarassment about myself for all of my life. What a waste of a life.
The emotional shaming of my parents was crushing due to the fact I was just a more heart-centered person. I carried more truth and always knew - especially as a small child - that they were not like me. But then the osmosis took hold and I grew up to be deeply ashamed of myself just for being me. I am undoing that now - but it has taken me years to become strong enough to really call that terrible shame game. Also the self-differentiation is allowing me to honor me and unravel the layers upon layers of shame that was - as you say - fake and not true and not real to begin with!!! Thank you for this information and validation.
Ever since I was a little girl I couldn't do anything right and when I followed all their wishes and whims, was a high achiever, brought home award after award, scholarship after scholarship it was never celebrated. I was the child with the best grades, musically and artistically talented and had the brightest future of all my siblings, yet I was treated like a dunce and an embarassment. Every desire and idea I had would be ruthlessly torn down and I was told I was stupid over and over. Then when I got so depressed about a college course i was coerced into and dropped out they all said "See, we were right, you are stupid and a dissapointment!" There is no winning with a narcissistic family system. Just do what you want and throw all their criticisms in the trash where their opinions belong. You'll be angry for a while, but it's better than shaming and sabotaging yourself your whole life. You'll be much happier in the long run.
My mother tried shaming my son who was like 3or 4. I yelled at my mother. He has nothing to be shamed of. She would shame me as a kid. I hated hearing it all the time!
Hey I even got shamed by an atheist family member shaming me for not going to church anymore like dude you don't go to church yourself either so what's this all about?
Endured 40 years of relentless shaming before I went no contact. Now 20 years of no contact with narcissist mommy dearest and it might be one of the top 3 best decisions ever made lifetime.
Jerry, you are helping me go to some psychological difficult places in order to heal. I am going to get my funds together and participate in the "Road to Self" program. I know it will be well worth the fee.
Excellent as always . Thanks so much. My mom has been shaming me all my life and for everything ,causing me being aimless confused leaving me with extremely low nearly zero self esteem . She shamed me for my gender for my learning abilities In spite of my great talent in getting and understanding my lessons contents . She shamed me for my caring for my clothing hair style wearing some kind of make up in my teen ages and then in my adulthood . She tries to shame me for my willingness to have an independent life in my own home and live the way I like . She shamed me for not liking her disastrous cooking and the food she prepares in her old ages when she must be retired she shamed me for my most basic needs to be myself and do what I like . She shames me and is envious of me to enjoy my time even in thevmost innocent and simplest ways . I think she is a devil.
People like you keep me strong when I'm basically starting from scratch after a lifetime of abuse by my father. I didn't want to believe it but I can't ignore the obvious anymore. I use to admire him. It's painful when it's someone you trusted and loved since being a child.
Not the worst in the world. 😎😂 I wonder what you would recommend to the people who currently struggle to cope with daily life as a result of narcissistic abuse. What bases would be most important to cover and in what order. Thanks for your work!
I really enjoy how you remind us how it is our choice whether to feel shamed or not “is the shaming going to work”. It’s not easy, but definitely an emotion muscle that can be strengthened over time.
I worked for 35 years in a technical field which my dad approved of, earned a great living and now have a very good pension. In my retirement, I started painting abstract works of art. My dad let me know at every opportunity how idiotic and what a waste of time art is. But, in my late 50s and into my 60s, I was strong and confident enough to simply laugh at him. His opinions are completely irrelevant to me. It is incredible that he would still be trying to keep me in line when I am 60 years old!
i was shamed for the way that i thought and problem solved (i'm not neurodivergent). all of my interests were shamed because i was expected to either be a virtuoso or take my interests very very seriously so that i could master them. my parents have very strange beliefs about how things "should be done" and how the world works. as a result i never developed goals, wants, needs, preferences, interests, likes etc. and every time i'd even think about them i'd experience very very high anxiety, causing me to dissociate. i will forever be grateful for finding recovery. once i started dealing with my family bullshit, my mind is no longer foggy and for the first time in my life i actually have goals.. i'm still struggling with interests.
I'm on my low and No contact journey. Low for all the enablers and No for the Narcissist. Its been a difficult 2 years but I'm starting to see the sun through the clouds. I'm finally regaining my sense of self and it feels amazing..
I stopped talking to my parents and brother a few months ago and they seem like they don’t even care. It’s making me wish I would have done it sooner had I realized how little I mean to them
when I was a kid, the purpose of my shaming was to allow my parents to feel good enough so they could provide me love. I wanted to agree with them so they would feel better sooner, not fight with me or each other, and then I would be treated nicely after. So I learned to let people hurt me so that they could love me.
My best friend has parents that shame her all the time. Shamed for going on vacation, spending money on tin foil, buying a house, going to the movies, spending time with friends. The list goes on and on. She is now almost 50 years old. They have controlled her life so much so that even now she second guesses her life choices. It’s heartbreaking for me to see that they do this to her. She’s never had a romantic relationship until now and the shaming has gotten worse. I wish she could see that she could do what she wants without having to feel guilty about living her life.
I was groomed since birth to work for my father in his mechanical business. Toxically shamed for any other choices I wanted to make in regard to what I wanted to do. Shamed for achieving well at school so I wouldn't have any chance at getting away. I could go on...........
OMG!!! My mother in law was the absoute worst at shaming my husband about his job choices, us having children, and how did I not ever see this literally until my therapist told me about 2 weeks ago when I explained how his mom treated us when we told her the news each time we became pregnant and it was literally months of absoute hell. And now my husband is literally coming to terms with all of the damage that woman caused him and us in our marriage. Thank you for your videos, I really do appreciate them.
How I cut my hair, what colour shirt I was wearing, what kind of food I like, what I said, what I didn't say, what I was thinking (because, of course, they just know what one thinks because awesomeness), what kind of car we had, looking the wrong direction, which way I was standing, what music I like, what book is on my desk, ... my point the list was simply endless. A very common thread, as you discussed here, was to attack my primary relationship, with either demented false assertions directed against my character, or with attempts to forcibly interfere and to try to generate conflict between us; the fact this never resulted was then the source of some pretty spectacular tantrums. What made a difference for me in terms of life outcomes was realising pretty early on (by my early twenties) that it's never really about whatever the issue of contention happens to be in the moment. Anything at hand can be manufactured into an issue any time an issue to attack with is needed. What it's really all about is obtaining a perverse sense of validation by belittling, berating and putting you down, and, for this, any stupid excuse will do.
People really ask, "Why don't you provide all of the answers in all of your videos"? Good grief. The whole point of it is taking responsibility for oneself as an adult.
Hello. I just subscribed and wanted to say that so much of this video rings true for me with my parents. I recently cut ties with them after 50+ years of their narcissistic abuse. The "so what?" part really hit me. I have been doubting myself and shaming myself periodically over cutting them from my life, but this video has helped me to realize that this is coming from their constant grooming of me and conditioning me to be guilted into doing their bidding. They never had my best interest in mind, only their own! I refuse to continue to be a tool in their toolbox. I feel like they have almost stayed purposely helpless ao they could just keep taking advantage of reliable and loyal me all my life. I endured physical and emotional abuse from these people who would then act holier than thou because they went to church and prayed for me to chage my ways and return to the church or do whatever they wanted me to do for them. According to my mother, my genetic chronic illness is my punishment from god, I have been told! No, parents. Your genes cursed my body and your twisted minds have tried to curse my mind, but I am now free of your faulty logic and shaming. Thank you for setting the record straight.
And then from the shaming comes the over explaining of all the choices in life that you make. I am currently learning that i dont have to explain my choices, this is so foreign to me after a lifetime of explaining myself. I am trying to set boundaries...it is so hard! Great video
I’ve tried seeing and calling my parents less, but then when I do make contact I start getting shamed for not calling them as much as they think should. What’s funny is if I don’t call, they don’t bother to call me
I have found they shame you because THEY are abusive and they know they are abusive and they know they are the one who should feel shame *I don’t think they do-I think they field this and compulsively must place their ‘should be shame’ right square onto you. I also think they start this when you are an infant because they despise you and everything you represent-a tax of their resources THEY deserve;money, time, attention, love, admiration-they cannot stand this but know this is very wrong.so, again, they project that shame onto you as a baby. It’s gross. People like you, are saving lives with this information. Thank you Jerry Wise. Thank You.
Thank you Jerry for making me laugh this morning because I have been sad and ruminating about my family of origin. I appreciate you and your kind ❤️I think you are wonderful.
Who’s to say you’re not a perfect CZcamsr? Is that coming from a “perfect CZcamsr”? What’s “a perfect” CZcamsr? To me you’re in my top 2 favorite ones that I love watching and in your field of expertise you’re the most helpful to me.
Nothing but troublemakers, I'm youngest of golden child gone copper, you'd think they'd of protected me a tad, no.... Threw gas upon me, guess peeing and pooeing on my head was too good for me, nothing but trouble makers and that well into my late 50's, thanks!😢
I think my mom shamed me for getting a PhD, simply because she didn't get one. She said it was to much hassle and work and she wouldn't have made that choice (she said this to me on the phone while I was crying because I was so stressed out writing my dissertation).
My sister has a BA in Dance; I have a PhD in Art History. Mom always called me "stupid child" and told us we were studying to become destitute. Didn't work out that way...
As a young person my father shamed me for "going my own way " in my life. Religion etc.. but what still irks me till this day is his shaming me his disapproval of my favorite genre of music which he still calls "acid rock" when in reality is simply called HEAVY METAL.
Dad treated me like a scapegoat, kicked me around emotianally, sexually and psychologically, physically. and shamed and blamed me. He's taking out his miserable childhood/growing up (his father was brutal, his mother enabled the father. She did not protect him and his brothers. Not all of them are like him. He has some nerve taking it out on me, as if he is entitled to do so. Not so! He has been sadistid. His problem, not mine! He would dump on me, then when I complained, he said "tough shit." I have nil to no contact with him now. He's a jerk!
My mom got mad at me and my (ex) husband because we let our daughter, who was 5 or 6 at the time, choose which restaurant to eat at. 🤦🏾♀️. “Why should she be able to choose where you eat?” “Uh, because we rotate who chooses every week.” “Well, she’s only 5. She shouldn’t have a choice.”🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️
Im 41 and all my parents will talk about is how I should have went to college. I did. My mom called my all the time telling me I should drop out. She said I would make it so my brother and sister couldn't go to college and would be homeless. I have been homeless ever since. That was 2003.
When they raise you to be a certain way and then shame and blame you for being that way. It’s like a potter molding his clay into a circle and then blaming the clay for not being more square. It’s heartbreaking because not only can you never be a square and please them, it’s their fault that you are the circle that you are.
My mother went with me to the ob-gyn ER when I had dysmenorrhea (I was 25!) and there is where she asked the doctor if I am still virgin, and the doctor said no. She shamed me ever since and said she regrets giving birth to me, and whenever she's mad at me for different reasons (including for having friends that I bring over to MY rented apartment - NOT her house) she says I was a constant source of stress for her ever since I was born. And there's more religious shaming too. I cut contact with her because my mental health started suffering a lot due to her behavior.
[0:00] 💔 Narcissistic parents shame you for your life choices, including relationships, career, children, and more. [2:10] 💡 Understanding the emotional process of shaming: it begins with external shaming, internalized, leading to self-shaming. [3:16] 🧠 Recognizing that shame is often a false feeling imposed by external influences rather than based on reality. [5:07] 🔄 Explore the purpose of shame: how it influences actions and behaviors, and its role in maintaining control. [9:02] 🗳 Examples of shaming in various areas: religion, politics, shopping choices, etc. [10:17] 🤳 Examining self-shaming: understanding its origins and breaking the cycle of negative self-talk. [11:23] 🛡 Accepting that narcissistic parents may not change, but setting internal and external boundaries can help mitigate the impact of their shaming.
I'm shamed for being divorced and needing to stay single.Moms gone as far as to set me up on dates w my Dad's coworkers. I refuse and she shames and guilty me. Tells me it's not normal to be single at my age.Normal people marry and buy a house. The family will think there's some thing wrong w me. Ugh
Thank you for mentioning religion here. I left Christianity almost a decade ago and my parents still try to shame me into believing in it again, even though I know I have nothing to be ashamed of, not to mention what they try to threaten me with (like hell) isn't real. I'm much more bothered by the fact that they're trying to shame me and manipulate me (and what that says about their character) than I am by their actual shaming efforts.
My mother wrote me a hand written letter that said that my being gay "offends God." She also asked me in person if I became gay to punish her. You can't make this stuff up.
My mother took my child to get the mail and pried information out of my adolescent child for not having any boyfriends at 16. My child not knowing my mother well admitted being pan and my mother outed them to me hoping to shame them. I love my child and am a proud mother un shaming my child after my mother shamed them was a whole different level of malice from my mother.
This reminds me of a conversation I had with my father, whom I think of as an Enabler, but maybe his was a NP, too. We were discussing dreams, what to do in life, being successful (rich, etc.)...He turned to me and said, "Do you know anyone in our lives that has happened to? Do you know anyone in real life that has happened to? No, you do not. It's all a fallacy." (I paraphrase a bit.) I felt like I was a balloon that popped. Of all the people who I thought would be encouraging (why, I don't know now), he put the biggest kabosh on me. He only cared that my husband and I had good jobs and could survive. There wasn't anything more than that. Funnily enough, he had big dreams once in his life, too. He couldn't make it work. I guess he then thought that no one could.
At 50 shamed for not getting the jab. Shamed for voting for bad man orange. Shamed for leaving. The whole family. Married now and happy going NC for good after all this.
My parents tend to be passive-aggressive about my wife and me not having kids. Little snide remarks here and there are so draining because the comments are flippant and in passing.
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
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They'll always shame your choices because they are YOUR choices and show you have a mind of your own.
wow this is a good perspective..
A lot of shaming, isn't just shaming it's a form of manipulation and guilt tripping. "I did so much for you why can't you do this for me!" "I want grand children before I die! I won't see my grand children in heaven because you don't go to church anymore!" "I just want what's best for you!" It's all manipulation, it's all meant to make you feel guilty, It's a form of control. Don't fall for it. They aren't saying that because they love you and genuninely want what is best for you. They are saying this to manipulate you so that you will do what they want. If a parent has this attitude that you "owe" them something. That's not a parent child relationship, It's a business relationship.
I feel like a lot of parents only have children because they just want another version of themselves. Not an independent free thinking person with their own thoughts, wants, and needs. Children aren't clones of their parents. You child will probably be different from you in many ways. You won't agree with all their beliefs, or decisions. that's just something parents need to accept. If you want a child, just so that you can have another clone of yourself you are having kids for the wrong reasons.
Majima-san!
Also I agree with you. My mother wanted me to be an extension of her, and now as a 42 year old woman, I have no idea who I am, if the likes and interests I have are because I LIKE THEM or because she told me I needed to like them because she liked them. She wanted a mini-me, and I failed her. She wanted a family so she could play house and expected us to fix her, and we all failed in spectacular fashion.
Families that are started because of appearances to keep or thinking that they're going to fix the gaping hole inside you because your family was so effed up -- nope, that only leads to more disaster. Those are precisely the wrong reasons to have a family, and that's the reason why most generations beginning with the boomers are so messed up. Families became a type of luxury item that people couldn't afford -- not just money but time, love, care, discipline, etc.
@@spacegirl226Obviously you shouldn't have kids to fill a giant unhealed hole from having a dysfunctional family of origin🤔...However it IS nice to have a happy healthy family & give your kids the things you didn't have like ❤️ & understanding though🙂.For a sizeable chunk of us our unfortunate background actually makes us even more determined to be healthy loving parents & create a warm loving 🏡 for our children, we understand what we didn't have & know the importance of giving it to our own family.Every one of us that has kids & has created a warm loving home should feel proud because we created something healthy that we ourselves didn't have when growing up🌞👍🏻.
Kids will typically have fairly similar family values & whatnot with their families...But it's absolutely fascinating to 👀 them gradually grow into their own unique person with their own talents, preferences, & overall way of doing things.We would be so boring if we were all the same & it's almost a bit tragic in a way that people like narcs can never understand this.
I was shamed as a young person and my personal choices suffered deeply. I managed to be so strong, and left the home years after. Iñ the 70s none of this was discussed. Why did all this happen? It's the opposite of love.
Dad thinks he is Jesus because he has a beard. He says I have to go to Mass(we're Catholic, not all Catholics are like him) in any weather, 1/2 hour walk for me, each way. I don't have a vehicle, nor do I have to answer his asinine interrogations. He acts entitled to harrass me! He needs to grow up and shut the hell up! He's toxic. on rare occasions, he's pleasant, kind to me, but spoils those times by being narcissistic, entitled to waste my time. When I inquired where he was, his girlfriend(enabler/flying monkey) said "He's always been this way, he'll never change." As if he is entitled to do so. Surreal! An excuse for him to mistreat me!
I was artistic since a child. I drew for my highschool yearbook.
My father told me an artist will never be a good job. I still went on to college for art. My parents never came to visit me for any reason. I always had to be the one to drive to visit them. I only thought about this as I got older.
You're very good, my parents never encouraged my artistic side and it floundered but not you, you are amazing!
Yeah I was a hairstylist so ya know I played with hair all day for 25 years and had a fake job even though I had people drive 60 min to come see me! My brother and sister went to college and had “real” jobs even though me and my sister’s jobs are BOTH state licensed professions! 😂😂😂 dumb AF
I was an artistic child too, but because my father told me that it isn't a job, I didn't pursue it. I lost three years of my life on tech college, didn't get the degree because I just wasn't smart enough for it. I honestly believe that if I didn't listen to my parents, I'd be better off. Literally everyone now can make money being an artist and putting their art online, doing tutorial videos, putting photos on Instagram, etc.
Same story. My only gift was my ability to draw and paint. My family ignored it as something cute but insignificant. Once when I was already in my fifties, my mother innocently told me that I should have done something with my art. I didn't even dignify it with a response. It was a talent I never developed because it was so devalued. I can understand why people say they're evil.
same, when i was in the second grade i used to love drawing rocket ships for some reason. My dad saw me drawing and used to always ask "why dont you draw something that will make money?" For the longest time i thought drawing for fun was a waste of time, i hated him for that
In my case it was my narcissistic grandparents that shamed me for choosing to be a professional musician. I found it wild that they acted this way because they were always at my band concerts in school, saw me move out to Hollywood at 18, and even went to my gig when I was touring through my home town. So they knew I had a future in it. They just wanted a doctor or lawyer grandson so they could tell everyone in their town about it. The funny thing is my cousin played the "I want to be a doctor" card with them just to get on their good side so he could get money out of them. Music is in my blood. Ive been playing instruments since I was 5. You dont just make it "a weekend thing" when its ingrained in you like that.
I feel like the boomers and gen x are extremely narcissistic. If you don’t go to college and enter the corporate world or be a doctor or whatever you are nothing to them. You could be making $100K in the trades but they will still treat you like a 2nd class citizen. And if you have any health problems, forget it. And it doesn’t matter if you have debilitating pain or had to overcome obstacles that they made for you drastically altering your trajectory.
They hate fun, the hate art, the hate individualism, they hate the happiness of other people. If they’re not hating you from perceived superiority they’re hating you because they’re jealous.
Religious shaming is the worst because it affects you spiritually.
Yes have a kind heart be into Jesus and have it used against you, true demons!
😢 I can imagine how painful that must be.
they Ridiculed me for Church; call me HYPOCRITE for decades
Yup. My parents questioned my husband and I's "church attendance" but never asked us _why_ we weren't attending. Also, my family was SO RUDE to my now husband who is so incredibly healthy and loves me to pieces. Wonder why...🤔🫣
When we had this convo, I was 42 and hubby was 52!! 🤯🤯😱
Yeah. My mother said "But you were such a good boy..." when I told her I personally didn't believe in God.
I got shamed for eloping at 52 years old.
I did at 33, went to Banff, let them know that I was getting married and none were invited🎉!
@@joseenoel8093and I’m sure it was beautiful with no drama 😊
Well done!
Shamed, at 52? Unreal!
I was raised mormon so it's a whole culture of shame. Everything you do is bad including laughing too loud. The natural man is an enemy of god afterall. And thinking something is the same as doing it. So we are all unworthy of god for just being. Of course the church has the cure for the low price of at least 10 hrs every week and 10 of your income (even if you're homeless).
Add in two narc parents who have always felt they were perfect and I barely survived childhood.
The only reason I escaped them as an adult is because my mom's Alzheimers meant that her drive to completely dominate me and make all my life decisions for me was no longer there. The other two narcs (my sis and dad) were not powerful enough to continue to control the family without mom. Now the regular folks in the family are free to live authentically and the two lesser narcs are flailing around trying to hoover people back in for supply.
We sometimes chose not to have children because even if we didn't have the language we somehow KNEW those poor kids would have toxic grandparents and we didn't want to put those kids through that OR ourselves through any more torture with these parents
I recently came up with a phrase that described my life situation and the choices I made. Maybe it'll help you and others who read this comment.
"I didn't have any children because I didn't have any parents."
Simple. Sweet. To the point and 100% accurate.
I wanted children. I still do. But I'm in no place in my life to have them. It has nothing to do with cost or expenses but the fact that I'm so messed up and my parents are useless. Even though I would try to be different for my child, I wouldn't be able to give them what I didn't get. I would have perpetuated the cycle of abuse and generational trauma. It's probably too late for me now anyway.
I don't know what I wanted out of life, but this facsimile of a life I have now I never would have dreamed up.
This. 100%. Two of three of us did not have children.
Exactly. I didn't, either. Breaking the cycle of abuse. Preventing another generation from being harmed by the narcissist!
I chose not to have kids for various reasons(I don't like physical pain, Dad sexually, emotionally, physically and psychologically abused me for decades. He blamed me. What a jerk!
The stuff my mother said to me caused me not to want to think that way.
My father's cousin said, when poo says something she means it.
@@maryjacob-israel1341 "poo"?!?
@@lesleyvivien2876 my mother
I was told I was "wasting my life" by joining the Peace Corps! I actually can't think of anything that is less of a waste.
I have a list of all the hateful and hurtful things my old man has said to me since my decade-long marriage fell apart and I had to move back home to the narc family (that I desperately tried to escape -- you know the drill). One of the worst things my old man said was "You're twenty years behind everybody else!"
I'm sorry what? I didn't know life was a competition with other people. I didn't know that I needed to be right up there with my peers who are also miserable and divorced and addicted to drugs, etc etc. If I'd actually had some guidance from my parents and some attention and care, maybe I wouldn't have made bad choices like running away with a man (just like my father) who abused and neglected me. I didn't know any better because of the crappy examples I had growing up.
Then he tried to shame me with the "I could have told you not to marry him!" BUT INSTEAD he chose to do literally nothing, didn't care, didn't try to have a heart to heart with me where he voiced his concerns. It felt like a "bye, get out of my hair, you nuisance" because my entire life with that man has been him telling me I'm a nuisance because I exist in his sphere of influence.
I didn't ask to be born and certainly not to him and my demonic mother. Every time my old man has ever "helped" me progress in life -- which have been few and far between, he's come back to say "I wish I'd never done that."
My old man is a judgmental blame-n-shame machine. At least with my mother she's so deep into her trauma and delusions that she doesn't dare say a word about how messed up I am -- she knows I'll give it right back to her -- but my old man has no qualms reducing me to a pile of mush with his total lack of empathy and self reflection. One narcissistic parent is bad enough but two...is nothing short of a nightmare.
My heart goes out to everyone who has had to deal with this rubbish all their lives. If you can go no contact, do it. Your peace of mind is far more valuable than putting up with people who hate you.
Thanks, Jerry!
Shaming and blaming would never stop from narc parents. System, society values (standards) and religions are on their side in the matter of shaming, not on ours, also in the matter of other things. Shaming is dangerous, could have serious consequences like rage, bad social skills, bad relationship choices and many many other.
Begging for Grandkids. " We only have four.
" I said that's ironic because When we were young, you didn't even want to be bothered with your own four kids that you had. If it wasn't for the emotional neglect I endured, maybe you would have some more.
😺😺😺😺😺😺😺
🙄WOW ........ my grandparents had ONE ...
my mother's 1st guilt trip " I'm your mother" the current "you need my help so why can't you _______"?
And lastly.... " I'm almost 80yrs old".
everyday... every single day... before I was aware... they worked.... now when she starts... I just put my headphones on...
My parents simply made any choice wrong. Hedging their bets. Haha. Long dead and now my sister has taken up the batton. 66, no contact so finally free! Yay! Thanks Jerry, love this
exactly! and it's always healing to look at them outside the role of being parents.... they are just two individuals who mated and got kids nothing qualifies them for being parents besides pushing a human out lol....
Neither my niece or nephew want children, due to their own bad childhood. Their mother, my sister, feels her life is ruined by not having grandchildren. If she looked closely at herself she'd see that you reap what you sow.
I am unfortunately a product of not wanting to bring children into this world because my mom and dad 😢
Quite so!
I love when all Jerry's examples are exact things I've had said to me - not because I'm a glutton for punishment, but because it makes it easy for me to see that I'm not crazy after all - it's actually been a big relief!
Thank you!
Thank you, that must explain why my mother said she was so upset that I was in a dead-end job - a job she knew nothing about. I didn't talk and they didn't ask.
I decided to leave school at 18, rather than go into higher education. If I bring money into the household, I thought, perhaps my father will start liking me.
So I found a job, which offered on-the-job training, and decided to give myself a fortnight off before I started. First day of freedom, I walked into the garden, where my father was sitting in the sun with his book and cigarettes. He looked up when I came out, and said, *Why don't you go out and get yourself a job, you lazy cow.*
He didn't have to talk so harshly. It's amazing what the people closest to you will call you
@@Here4TheHeckOfIt Thank you. It was harsh and also odd, because he knew I had a job to go to.
When people were listening, he called me Lesley. When nobody was listening, I was cow, pig, bitch and occasionally slut: optional adjectives, lazy, stupid and selfish. He would also threaten to "break your bloody neck" or "break every bone in your bloody body."
I don't know how much of a mess you need to be to talk like that to your daughter!
He died 35 years ago, and I still hate his memory. It doesn't put my blood pressure up, but I just hope there isn't an afterlife, because I never want to see him again.
My mom told me that God would never forgive me for changing my college major from vocal performance to something more practical! I couldn't see myself making a living as an opera singer! Plus, I was starting to hate it! Later, when I was pregnant with my second child, my dad told me I was crazy to have another baby because I was too g damn old! He didn't approve of my second husband because he'd been a buddy of my narcissist first husband!
I guess God really loves opera! Who knew? Seriously,what she said to you was beyond ridiculous.
@@Joelswinger34 Thanks.
Ooooooooh yes! Narcissists love to shame you - about everything! They do use it to control you and your actions!
My dad constantly shamed me.. throughout childhood and adulthood. He also gossiped and complained about me to family members and even my neighbors. It's like he had this wierd vendetta. Been no contact about 5 years and really loving the peace and quiet.
literally everything i was excited about since i was a child, my father immediately brought up something negative about it or why its not a good idea. Even when i did my best to explain why he was wrong he would bring up the exact same argument the next time it was mentioned.
It took me 3 years to get a 2 year degree at a community college while having to work full-time with no support. When I sent my graduation certificate to a narc family member - she laughed at me over the phone. It wasn't a graduation from a University it was said. My teachers that I told - were angry. They worked at the Universities during the day and taught at the community college at night. They told me they didn't teach a cheap version at night. It was extremely tough getting it done and the narc tried to humiliate me, actually laughing at me - when I tried to show her how hard I worked. This was a very close family member. Gone now ...
Parents shame me for joining the US Marines then a civilian career as an Engineer and not becoming an Actor. I'm very successful as a result of my career choices. My father says that he disagrees with my joining the military because he had no respect for the military. Also he compared me to Chadwick Bosman and told me I could have been just like him. He would rather I be a dead actor vs an alive Engineer.
That's astonishing. Most parents would say, "an actor? No! Go and get yourself a proper job!"
Isn't just getting accepted into the Marines a huge accomplishment?
Wow. That's quite the reversal from the norm.
@@lesleyvivien2876 yes to ship to Boot Camp only about 20 percent of young men meet the physical, academic and moral requirements. Then you have to pass the toughest Boot Camp in the world. At issue is that I was neglected and neither of my parents supported me. In fact they both put obstacles in my way. My success is a repudiation of the neglect and harm they did as they had absolutely nothing to do with it.
@@Here4TheHeckOfIt I think it's because my folks feel like they have to be in competition with me. It's always a game of one-upmanship with my Dad. If I accomplish something he always has a story about how he did something similar or better.
Things could have been worse - you could have become a custodial engineer.
Wow my Folks score 100% on Shame index,
My environment that I came from shames.. Everything is based on that shame.. I remember when I came back and I ran into someone and he asked why am I happy all the time.. My comment to him was "why are you miserable all the time." That was the environment that I came from.. The downside of giving up shame and misery is that I was rejected by the whole environment.. In actuality I was rejected by that environment my whole life..
Your story is so familiar! Right down to the shaming for "being happy all the time!" I wish I'd said what you said. 😂 would love to have seen their reaction. That level of shame runs deep. Large extended family and they were judging all of us kids constantly. Even though their rejection was hard, I'm very happy as an adult to not be a part of that environment any more.
@@denisel780 Joel Osteen's sermon today was about keeping our Joy.. Funny how that works..
@@darinsmith2458I really enjoy Joel's sermons. Thanks for mentioning this one. Exactly!
@@denisel780 my pleasure
Good for you. You put your well-being first in spite of those who only had one intention.... trying to keep you down to their level. Take care and continue to be the happy person you are! 😊
never clicked on a video so fast!!! Thank you much love
Thank you for watching!
I am a loser, I am a buster and I don't care. My dad was always obsessed about me being the smart kid and being able to figure everything out on my own with no help from him - even though I was born with two genetic disorders that made me look pretty freakish on top of it effecting my IQ. He allocated all of his resources in my brothers direction, never really helping me with anything - IE, buying a home or my education or even basic support if I was struggling. He will talk to me for 5 minutes a year on the phone, but has no interest in what is going on in my life. He is always in a rush to get off the phone cause he needs to do something for my brother or my brothers kid. He was one of those parents that did the very minimum till I was 18 and that was that. And it wasn't even the minimum, he couldn't even keep the utilities on or food in the fridge. I got my first job at 13 so I could eat properly. I don't really care for the man
I was contsantly shamed. Shamed for being tall and skinny (even though I don't have one picture where I'm tall and skinny), shamed for being ugly and looking like a not-very attractive (but very successful) comedienne (even though I was a normal, cute kid), shamed for being flat=chested when I was a slim teen. Now I see it all as a manipulation. My parents are deceased and I have gone no contact with my siblings, but I have carried this low self-esteem and embarassment about myself for all of my life. What a waste of a life.
Shamed for your choice of vehicle over and over and over again. Thank you for this video Jerry.
Very welcome!
The emotional shaming of my parents was crushing due to the fact I was just a more heart-centered person. I carried more truth and always knew - especially as a small child - that they were not like me. But then the osmosis took hold and I grew up to be deeply ashamed of myself just for being me. I am undoing that now - but it has taken me years to become strong enough to really call that terrible shame game. Also the self-differentiation is allowing me to honor me and unravel the layers upon layers of shame that was - as you say - fake and not true and not real to begin with!!! Thank you for this information and validation.
Forget narcissistic parents doing this, it's narcissists in general that do this also.
"Forget???"
In my parent’s perspective, someone that has no shame, that doesn’t care about shame, is mentally ill.
It’s all about what people think. Makes sense.
If you just simply tell them the sky is blue if they try to say it's red they'll try to insinuate you're off your rocker🤢🙄.
Ever since I was a little girl I couldn't do anything right and when I followed all their wishes and whims, was a high achiever, brought home award after award, scholarship after scholarship it was never celebrated. I was the child with the best grades, musically and artistically talented and had the brightest future of all my siblings, yet I was treated like a dunce and an embarassment.
Every desire and idea I had would be ruthlessly torn down and I was told I was stupid over and over. Then when I got so depressed about a college course i was coerced into and dropped out they all said "See, we were right, you are stupid and a dissapointment!" There is no winning with a narcissistic family system. Just do what you want and throw all their criticisms in the trash where their opinions belong. You'll be angry for a while, but it's better than shaming and sabotaging yourself your whole life. You'll be much happier in the long run.
My mother tried shaming my son who was like 3or 4. I yelled at my mother. He has nothing to be shamed of. She would shame me as a kid. I hated hearing it all the time!
James you’ve single handedly changed my perspective and the way I approach/respond to my family. It’s helped so much with my mental health
You are a TREASURE. God bless you, Jerry. 💗🤗
God created narcissists and he himself is one.
Hey I even got shamed by an atheist family member shaming me for not going to church anymore like dude you don't go to church yourself either so what's this all about?
Jerry, I just love you 🎈🐳 you're the the best
Appreciate that!
Endured 40 years of relentless shaming before I went no contact. Now 20 years of no contact with narcissist mommy dearest and it might be one of the top 3 best decisions ever made lifetime.
Jerry, you are helping me go to some psychological difficult places in order to heal. I am going to get my funds together and participate in the "Road to Self" program. I know it will be well worth the fee.
Thank you. Wish you all the best.
Excellent as always . Thanks so much. My mom has been shaming me all my life and for everything ,causing me being aimless confused leaving me with extremely low nearly zero self esteem . She shamed me for my gender for my learning abilities In spite of my great talent in getting and understanding my lessons contents . She shamed me for my caring for my clothing hair style wearing some kind of make up in my teen ages and then in my adulthood . She tries to shame me for my willingness to have an independent life in my own home and live the way I like . She shamed me for not liking her disastrous cooking and the food she prepares in her old ages when she must be retired she shamed me for my most basic needs to be myself and do what I like . She shames me and is envious of me to enjoy my time even in thevmost innocent and simplest ways . I think she is a devil.
She sounds extremely emotionally and mentally abusive. A negative person like that does sound demonic. I hope you avoid her and live a happy life.
@@bonnielewin8520
Thanks for attention.🙏💚
You're not alone, chin up ignore the dragon. Mine was a piece of work too and I always thought it was me. Do your thing!❤
@@shihtzuluvrtwo6386
Thanks .🙏💚
@@bonnielewin8520
Thanks so much.🙏💚
People like you keep me strong when I'm basically starting from scratch after a lifetime of abuse by my father. I didn't want to believe it but I can't ignore the obvious anymore. I use to admire him. It's painful when it's someone you trusted and loved since being a child.
Not the worst in the world. 😎😂
I wonder what you would recommend to the people who currently struggle to cope with daily life as a result of narcissistic abuse. What bases would be most important to cover and in what order.
Thanks for your work!
My program can helpful to you
program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/
I really enjoy how you remind us how it is our choice whether to feel shamed or not “is the shaming going to work”. It’s not easy, but definitely an emotion muscle that can be strengthened over time.
Love that!
I worked for 35 years in a technical field which my dad approved of, earned a great living and now have a very good pension. In my retirement, I started painting abstract works of art. My dad let me know at every opportunity how idiotic and what a waste of time art is. But, in my late 50s and into my 60s, I was strong and confident enough to simply laugh at him. His opinions are completely irrelevant to me. It is incredible that he would still be trying to keep me in line when I am 60 years old!
@jerrywise, your videos are the most helpful I have seen for this topic. Thank you so much.
Glad it was helpful! Thanks for watching.
i was shamed for the way that i thought and problem solved (i'm not neurodivergent). all of my interests were shamed because i was expected to either be a virtuoso or take my interests very very seriously so that i could master them. my parents have very strange beliefs about how things "should be done" and how the world works. as a result i never developed goals, wants, needs, preferences, interests, likes etc. and every time i'd even think about them i'd experience very very high anxiety, causing me to dissociate. i will forever be grateful for finding recovery. once i started dealing with my family bullshit, my mind is no longer foggy and for the first time in my life i actually have goals.. i'm still struggling with interests.
Yep...I have been neglecting and shaming myself even though I went NC 32 years ago with HER and 3 out of 4 narc siblings...
I'm on my low and No contact journey. Low for all the enablers and No for the Narcissist. Its been a difficult 2 years but I'm starting to see the sun through the clouds. I'm finally regaining my sense of self and it feels amazing..
I stopped talking to my parents and brother a few months ago and they seem like they don’t even care. It’s making me wish I would have done it sooner had I realized how little I mean to them
Very well said! Exactly correct!
These narcissists are quite simply the devil. I see no redeeming qualities!
when I was a kid, the purpose of my shaming was to allow my parents to feel good enough so they could provide me love.
I wanted to agree with them so they would feel better sooner, not fight with me or each other, and then I would be treated nicely after.
So I learned to let people hurt me so that they could love me.
My best friend has parents that shame her all the time. Shamed for going on vacation, spending money on tin foil, buying a house, going to the movies, spending time with friends. The list goes on and on. She is now almost 50 years old. They have controlled her life so much so that even now she second guesses her life choices. It’s heartbreaking for me to see that they do this to her. She’s never had a romantic relationship until now and the shaming has gotten worse. I wish she could see that she could do what she wants without having to feel guilty about living her life.
I was groomed since birth to work for my father in his mechanical business. Toxically shamed for any other choices I wanted to make in regard to what I wanted to do. Shamed for achieving well at school so I wouldn't have any chance at getting away. I could go on...........
“You always seem to land on your feet”
Yep!
THIS. heard it al my life. nobody helped me.
this is the video I have been waiting for. Thank you!
Thanks for watching!
OMG!!! My mother in law was the absoute worst at shaming my husband about his job choices, us having children, and how did I not ever see this literally until my therapist told me about 2 weeks ago when I explained how his mom treated us when we told her the news each time we became pregnant and it was literally months of absoute hell. And now my husband is literally coming to terms with all of the damage that woman caused him and us in our marriage. Thank you for your videos, I really do appreciate them.
How I cut my hair, what colour shirt I was wearing, what kind of food I like, what I said, what I didn't say, what I was thinking (because, of course, they just know what one thinks because awesomeness), what kind of car we had, looking the wrong direction, which way I was standing, what music I like, what book is on my desk, ... my point the list was simply endless. A very common thread, as you discussed here, was to attack my primary relationship, with either demented false assertions directed against my character, or with attempts to forcibly interfere and to try to generate conflict between us; the fact this never resulted was then the source of some pretty spectacular tantrums.
What made a difference for me in terms of life outcomes was realising pretty early on (by my early twenties) that it's never really about whatever the issue of contention happens to be in the moment. Anything at hand can be manufactured into an issue any time an issue to attack with is needed. What it's really all about is obtaining a perverse sense of validation by belittling, berating and putting you down, and, for this, any stupid excuse will do.
People really ask, "Why don't you provide all of the answers in all of your videos"? Good grief. The whole point of it is taking responsibility for oneself as an adult.
Hello. I just subscribed and wanted to say that so much of this video rings true for me with my parents.
I recently cut ties with them after 50+ years of their narcissistic abuse. The "so what?" part really hit me. I have been doubting myself and shaming myself periodically over cutting them from my life, but this video has helped me to realize that this is coming from their constant grooming of me and conditioning me to be guilted into doing their bidding. They never had my best interest in mind, only their own! I refuse to continue to be a tool in their toolbox.
I feel like they have almost stayed purposely helpless ao they could just keep taking advantage of reliable and loyal me all my life. I endured physical and emotional abuse from these people who would then act holier than thou because they went to church and prayed for me to chage my ways and return to the church or do whatever they wanted me to do for them. According to my mother, my genetic chronic illness is my punishment from god, I have been told! No, parents. Your genes cursed my body and your twisted minds have tried to curse my mind, but I am now free of your faulty logic and shaming.
Thank you for setting the record straight.
And then from the shaming comes the over explaining of all the choices in life that you make. I am currently learning that i dont have to explain my choices, this is so foreign to me after a lifetime of explaining myself. I am trying to set boundaries...it is so hard!
Great video
I’ve tried seeing and calling my parents less, but then when I do make contact I start getting shamed for not calling them as much as they think should. What’s funny is if I don’t call, they don’t bother to call me
I have found they shame you because THEY are abusive and they know they are abusive and they know they are the one who should feel shame *I don’t think they do-I think they field this and compulsively must place their ‘should be shame’ right square onto you. I also think they start this when you are an infant because they despise you and everything you represent-a tax of their resources THEY deserve;money, time, attention, love, admiration-they cannot stand this but know this is very wrong.so, again, they project that shame onto you as a baby. It’s gross.
People like you, are saving lives with this information. Thank you Jerry Wise. Thank You.
Thank you Jerry for making me laugh this morning because I have been sad and ruminating about my family of origin. I appreciate you and your kind ❤️I think you are wonderful.
Who’s to say you’re not a perfect CZcamsr? Is that coming from a “perfect CZcamsr”? What’s “a perfect” CZcamsr? To me you’re in my top 2 favorite ones that I love watching and in your field of expertise you’re the most helpful to me.
Nothing but troublemakers, I'm youngest of golden child gone copper, you'd think they'd of protected me a tad, no.... Threw gas upon me, guess peeing and pooeing on my head was too good for me, nothing but trouble makers and that well into my late 50's, thanks!😢
I think my mom shamed me for getting a PhD, simply because she didn't get one. She said it was to much hassle and work and she wouldn't have made that choice (she said this to me on the phone while I was crying because I was so stressed out writing my dissertation).
My sister has a BA in Dance; I have a PhD in Art History. Mom always called me "stupid child" and told us we were studying to become destitute. Didn't work out that way...
Shame them with no contact
As a young person my father shamed me for "going my own way " in my life. Religion etc.. but what still irks me till this day is his shaming me his disapproval of my favorite genre of music which he still calls "acid rock" when in reality is simply called HEAVY METAL.
Dad treated me like a scapegoat, kicked me around emotianally, sexually and psychologically, physically. and shamed and blamed me. He's taking out his miserable childhood/growing up (his father was brutal, his mother enabled the father. She did not protect him and his brothers. Not all of them are like him. He has some nerve taking it out on me, as if he is entitled to do so. Not so! He has been sadistid. His problem, not mine! He would dump on me, then when I complained, he said "tough shit." I have nil to no contact with him now. He's a jerk!
My mom got mad at me and my (ex) husband because we let our daughter, who was 5 or 6 at the time, choose which restaurant to eat at. 🤦🏾♀️. “Why should she be able to choose where you eat?” “Uh, because we rotate who chooses every week.” “Well, she’s only 5. She shouldn’t have a choice.”🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️
Im 41 and all my parents will talk about is how I should have went to college. I did. My mom called my all the time telling me I should drop out. She said I would make it so my brother and sister couldn't go to college and would be homeless. I have been homeless ever since. That was 2003.
Anyone else here get "what did I have you for?" when you didn't do something they wanted you to? That's some nice parenting eh?
When they raise you to be a certain way and then shame and blame you for being that way.
It’s like a potter molding his clay into a circle and then blaming the clay for not being more square. It’s heartbreaking because not only can you never be a square and please them, it’s their fault that you are the circle that you are.
Thank you for your videos! Finding them has helped me feel less alone and get started on a more healthy path.
My mother went with me to the ob-gyn ER when I had dysmenorrhea (I was 25!) and there is where she asked the doctor if I am still virgin, and the doctor said no. She shamed me ever since and said she regrets giving birth to me, and whenever she's mad at me for different reasons (including for having friends that I bring over to MY rented apartment - NOT her house) she says I was a constant source of stress for her ever since I was born. And there's more religious shaming too. I cut contact with her because my mental health started suffering a lot due to her behavior.
So true!
Thank you for making these videos Jerry! It truly helps so much
Glad you like them!
Bathathe Jerry! So right on the no contact piece.
painful, resonates, much appreciated Jerry for your insights as always.
You're very welcome. Thanks for watching!
[0:00] 💔 Narcissistic parents shame you for your life choices, including relationships, career, children, and more.
[2:10] 💡 Understanding the emotional process of shaming: it begins with external shaming, internalized, leading to self-shaming.
[3:16] 🧠 Recognizing that shame is often a false feeling imposed by external influences rather than based on reality.
[5:07] 🔄 Explore the purpose of shame: how it influences actions and behaviors, and its role in maintaining control.
[9:02] 🗳 Examples of shaming in various areas: religion, politics, shopping choices, etc.
[10:17] 🤳 Examining self-shaming: understanding its origins and breaking the cycle of negative self-talk.
[11:23] 🛡 Accepting that narcissistic parents may not change, but setting internal and external boundaries can help mitigate the impact of their shaming.
I'm shamed for being divorced and needing to stay single.Moms gone as far as to set me up on dates w my Dad's coworkers. I refuse and she shames and guilty me. Tells me it's not normal to be single at my age.Normal people marry and buy a house. The family will think there's some thing wrong w me. Ugh
Thank you for mentioning religion here. I left Christianity almost a decade ago and my parents still try to shame me into believing in it again, even though I know I have nothing to be ashamed of, not to mention what they try to threaten me with (like hell) isn't real. I'm much more bothered by the fact that they're trying to shame me and manipulate me (and what that says about their character) than I am by their actual shaming efforts.
My mother wrote me a hand written letter that said that my being gay "offends God." She also asked me in person if I became gay to punish her. You can't make this stuff up.
My mother took my child to get the mail and pried information out of my adolescent child for not having any boyfriends at 16. My child not knowing my mother well admitted being pan and my mother outed them to me hoping to shame them. I love my child and am a proud mother un shaming my child after my mother shamed them was a whole different level of malice from my mother.
Shame is shame as shame
This reminds me of a conversation I had with my father, whom I think of as an Enabler, but maybe his was a NP, too.
We were discussing dreams, what to do in life, being successful (rich, etc.)...He turned to me and said, "Do you know anyone in our lives that has happened to? Do you know anyone in real life that has happened to? No, you do not. It's all a fallacy." (I paraphrase a bit.) I felt like I was a balloon that popped. Of all the people who I thought would be encouraging (why, I don't know now), he put the biggest kabosh on me. He only cared that my husband and I had good jobs and could survive. There wasn't anything more than that.
Funnily enough, he had big dreams once in his life, too. He couldn't make it work. I guess he then thought that no one could.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!! ❤❤❤
❤️❤️❤️
Yes! Its never good enough to them what job I get. And don't even get me started on the kid thing....like who exactly are you being "selfish" to? 😂
Mine tried to shame me for not living off the grid.
Thanks Jerry, learning a lot from these videos
Glad you like them!
At 50 shamed for not getting the jab. Shamed for voting for bad man orange. Shamed for leaving. The whole family. Married now and happy going NC for good after all this.
My partner's parent's did the same with him over the jab, bearing in mind he's a respiratory physiotherapist
Your videos are AMAZING and extremely helpful..thank you.
Glad you like them! Thanks for watching.
Dziękujemy.
Great video. This is so helpful. Thank you so much Jerry.
Glad it was helpful!
Great video Jerry!!! 👏you are helping so much! Keep it up!
Thank you ❤️
My parents tend to be passive-aggressive about my wife and me not having kids. Little snide remarks here and there are so draining because the comments are flippant and in passing.