I also absolutely thought people would be as amazed at the solved riddle as me and say "ah, that explains it!!!" I also tried to tell my father that I thought he was on the spectrum for the same reasons and he was also not accepting. Different generations. By the way... Too funny that you mention recognizing other people being on the spectrum all around you similar to that scene from sixth Sense... I actually did a short about this sometime ago 😂
It was your short!!! Yes that short inspired this actually. You nailed it. I see them EVERYWHERE 😆😂 I should have included a screen grab (with attribution) of that short. I didn’t know how to do that type of editing at the time I made this video. In the future ;) Also maybe a possible collab or interview in the future?
@@NeurodivergentMom oh I didn't even think you got that from my short I really just thought it was that obvious of a concept for all of us 🤣 I would love to collab with you sometime! Shoot me an email when you have time
I hear you! I was diagnosed ADHD in December and thanks to NeurodiverJennt and others I recognised I actually have AuDHD, which my GP agrees with. This revelation, after decades of miadiagnoses, (including by said GP) was so profound, so life-changing, I wanted my whole family to know! I felt like a religious zealot spreading the word on FB! But with family, I bided my time to get my facts straight. I had to get my 88 yo Mum to go with me to the psychiatrist to describe me as a child, for diagnosis and afterwards my Dr said she probably didn't think anything was unusual about me because she is the same, and probably also has ADHD. I am certain all seven in my family are a different version of the same cocktail. Still, it took me seven months to put it in a letter to Mum and the two brothers she lives with, with a copy of Driven To Distraction, and only after I had found four generations of ASD evidence through my ancestry research. Only one brother has responded and he only with a 'Wow' emoji after I sent him a couple of videos. The men in my life seem to be in denial. Their wives have thanked me. Communication has always sucked in our family, so all I can hope is it gets through eventually for the sake of their kids. Some of those have been diagnosed, yet still the penny still won't drop for their fathers. One brother is blaming his wife's side of the family, despite being a spectrum posterchild himself! Maybe it's some kind of masculine pride thing - women are encouraged to talk of their feelings, men not so much, as they fear showing weakness. Maybe. Oh well. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it read a book, watch a podcast or see a psych. ;)
@@jod6045 it’s interesting you bring up the difference in how men and women in your family took it. My dad is still … I don’t know. Hasn’t embraced it let’s say. My mother has and encourages me. Thanks so much for sharing your life’s journey and this little slice of it here. It brings more context to this video.
I don't think kindness and understanding are going mess up your kids. Even if your son ends up not being on the spectrum, attempting to treat him in a way that allows him to process his feelings is one of the best things you can do!
This is something that prevented me from "self-diagnosing" autism for a couple of years -- the fear that I would try to "help" myself, but only cause harm, because I was treating myself autistic when I really wasn't. I now realize that, short of actual medication or self-harm, "pretending" to be autistic when you aren't isn't going to hurt you. And if you find, say, something like rocking, to be soothing, why should you be embarrassed in public to do it, whether or not you have autism? Then again, I didn't come to this realization until *after* I self-diagnosed -- and I hadn't done a deep dive into just what autism is until shortly after I was self-diagnosed -- and I'm kindof annoyed by that, too, because (1) if I had understood autism better, I'd have had a better time understanding my two autistic daughters (even though one was only formally diagnosed a few months ago), and (2) I would have been able to understand *myself* earlier, and started taking steps to help myself, had I known! Alas, life is messy, and we have to push forward with what we know, and try to learn a little bit more each day.
you are going to be a great advocate for the neurodiversity movement. congratulations. your dad will probably come to accept his neurotype with education and gentleness. your kids are lucky to have you.
Thanks for saying that my dad will come around. Maybe and it would be nice but I'm not holding my breath. Instead I'm accepting him as he is and trying to only answer his questions without getting triggered and defensive.
I’m so excited to have found your channel! I’m an autistic girl and my family originate from Bangladesh so it’s really a breath of fresh air to find someone that understands neurodiversity in the context of this culture. Thankfully things are starting to shift with the later generations but I think there will always be some people unwilling to learn ❤
A fellow Bangladesh connection! I’m so grateful my content reached you. Thank you CZcams. I’m planning a video in Bangla because I want more women in Bangladesh to become aware of their neurodivergence and there to be acceptance in our culture for this (which there is actually more than the west) but without the shame (which there is more of there perhaps). If you have cultural examples to add of your childhood experience please do! You can also contact me via my website.
Oh definitely! There’s so much! From all the family gatherings where I dithered in the corner with a book and when I got old enough, just stopped attending at all, to only eating the plainest rice with zero spice, to running away at the smell of cooking and curry. It’s also been strange because a lot of the girls that have been my age in the family all fit this box of speaking Bangla, wearing the traditional clothes, excelling academically and very soon getting married and knowing I don’t fit any of that criteria. Oh, and my bright blue ear defenders don’t help 😂 Also the religious aspect, where family think the autism can be prayed away or with ruqyah (which can be a positive thing, but it was always suggested to me in regards to casting out something wrong with me) and trying to understand religion and cultural etiquette when your brain isn’t automatically on the same page and doesn’t have the same filter others have, and not understanding why people have to accept elders borderline abusing them out of respect and not being able to look people in the eye (this was from my mums generation) as it was seen as disrespectful!
Thanks so much@@MIA80073 for taking the time to share this! I'll definitely include it in my video on. Being an undiagnosed brown girl growing up. My wish is that it will reach others like us and help them feel less alone and less misunderstood.
I am training to be a therapist and just learned I’m in the spectrum. I have always studied every topic I find interesting until I have exhausted the information on said topic. I create or do several projects constantly. I fixate on things and I have certain sounds that really bother me. My son is on the spectrum but I never knew the information I know now about the spectrum. Now I believe it runs in families because now that I am watching my other children- four of five of them have the same behaviors. Nice to meet you.
Thanks for your comment. Yes it is heavily genetic/hereditary and we have the opportunity to spot it downward in our kids and also upward in our parents and then maybe we can have more forgiveness for how they were with us. Idk. Thanks for your comment 🫶🏽
Thank god. We need more autistic therapists. A lot more. I won't talk to any therapist at this point who doesn't identify as autistic. You might want to consider specializing in the treatment of autistic adults - there is almost no support for us from the mental health profession.
@@TheWilliamHoganExperience Yes, I have noticed that they (a lot of places) like to add on labels or try to change the diagnosis post 18 years old for a lot of clients. I am against this, and feel it causes more harm, as many of the medications are not good for someone with Autism. I will be seeking out specialization training in the area. I hope that you find a counselor who really gets you; wish you the best!
I'm so glad I found your channel!!! I also started comparing my experience of suddenly seeing everyone everywhere as neurodivergent..comparing it to the Sixth Sense... "I see them everywhere... they're walking around and they don't know they're neurodivergent..." 🤣🤣😭😭 The moment you used that analogy my theory of mind started tingling haha...
Thank you for your vulnerability and honesty. I'm having a near identical situation with my dad but by some magical power I have managed not to tell him I think he's autistic. I don't know how. But he keeps pushing it, because now I'm freshly diagnosed at 39 I'm seeing the reality of how my family behaves, and there's been so much long term emotional and verbal abuse and manipulation. I understand why people say "You don't tell people you think they're autistic." But if it's causing suffering that is targeted at me, specifically if it could be a major cause for the social blindness my family have had thinking they're all loving and they're not, I'm finding a lot of logical reasons to tell him. Cos his verbal abuse will still come at me either way, the constant gaslighting and dismissing and ignoring me. If me telling him his behaviour is hurtful (which I've done) doesn't help, I sorta feel like it's my last option. I don't know how else I can open a door to keep that relationship ongoing. It just hurts me too much and has made me see why I've spent my whole life feeling crushed. I think suggesting it to people should be encouraged - in an appropriate way (and of course I could be wrong) - if you feel it may put a stop to suffering and begin to create roads of real self exploration.
these things you said "by some magical power I have managed not to tell him I think he's autistic." And "motional and verbal abuse and manipulation" - this has been a HUGE issue with my dad every time I tried to critique him or just stand up for myself throughout my teens and 20s. I still think telling him he's autistic was wrong. And almost 8 months later it has done ZERO for this self-awareness and improving our relataionship.
I wouldn't tell my mom I think I am autistic even though, yes, I believe she is 100% autistic. She is a loner, a hoarder, has 15 cats, and is basically an outcast of society. She gets really defensive and is the most hard headed person I know. She doesn't listen to me as a person and disregards everything I say. SO I won't be telling her my revelation. It's sad that some of the boomer generation will never have the gratification of knowing they are autistic because they are blinded by stereotypes. She needs help but will never get it because she is so stubborn and hard headed.
Yeah that’s true. They won’t get that satisfaction that “ah, now it all makes sense. My whole life’s struggles finally make sense.” I was hoping to help my dad have that feeling but it didn’t help at all. You’re wise to keep it to yourself.
@@NeurodivergentMom I’m late diagnosed autistic at 49, am 50 now, but self diagnosed for 2 years. This has been my experience as well, as I see soooo many of the things that now make sense and understand it wasn’t my fault. It’s a 2 edged sword because my only child, 27, basically told me 2 days ago that her and my husband (her step dad) aren’t responding to my texts or short videos (I literally found the shortest most impactful videos (like yours…just found you today) that wouldn’t make them have to listen to the longer ones) or giving any feedback because they are sick of hearing about it. That crushed me. It took so much courage and I felt so betrayed and I accepted. More so than that, my only (grandchild) little granddaughter , age 4 is showing displaying signs as well. I didn’t know what to look for with my daughter when she was little, which has made this journey for myself, and identifying what I now recognize in both of them. My daughter was telling me 2 days ago, that my granddaughter, who has never acted out towards her Pre K friends, was hitting them, screaming at them, and wanting to play what she wanted when she came over to their table. My daughter put her in counseling, and when the counselor was asking why she did that, she said she wasn’t mad or upset (she didn’t have the language for what was wrong) and just burst out into sobbing tears. That broke my heart and why I tried to show my daughter why I thought she may have the same struggles and she and I both did. She also stated the counselor asked my GD to play with certain toys with her and that she could only mimic what the counselor did, and couldn’t seem to know how to play along. My girls are what has given me the courage to pursue what I have once I understood what I was dealing with all my life…to keep them from experiencing life as I and my daughter have. Yet, it wasn’t accepted AT ALL the way I thought it would be. When my daughter feels slighted, she punishes us by withholding us from seeing my GD. I feel so dumb for thinking she would “hear” me and look into it for herself, and see what she thought. I just wanted her to point out a couple of these things ha and let the counselor know my GD has ADHD and Autism on both sides of her family (GD’s dad also has it in his family). I literally don’t even feel comfortable visiting her or making small talk, when something so important to myself was trampled over and ignored. I can only accept that I shared it with her and did my part. I can’t control what she does with it. I’m having to have radical acceptance for a lot of my daughter, and husband’s (of 20 years) hateful, dismissive, and degrading words and behaviors. I thought if I loved them enough, and showed/modeled for them how to open up and trust me with their heart hurts or anything bothering them, that we would have a healthy relationship ship. Now I’m having that old familiar eggshell walking feeling, so I just keep my thoughts to myself, instead of sharing it and thinking it would be safe. “Don’t cast your pearls before a swine” as they will trample and crush them with no second thoughts. I’m so thankful you’re making these videos…I needed this today. If you could, would you make videos about how your small children (especially if one is a little girl around my GD’s age), so that I can at least understand more, not for my daughter, but so my GD knows I SEE her. Thanks again.
Problem is, there's basically no help for autistic adults other than the lay autistic community. We are ignored by the mental health professions as "untreatable". When they do attempt to treat us, they attempt to normalize us, which does incredible harm and doesn't work anyway. 15 cats you say? Sounds like autistic paradise for an autistic cat lover! =)
May i suggest you look at Rebecca Manville Scapegoating recovery? She really helps with processing childhood trauma and the kind of disconnect with your mom. Sounds like shes got tons of traumas she hasnt addressed. Much love. ❤
10:50 Literally had to visualize this in my head and got frustrated that it didn’t complete, but let it go bc I did “know what you were trying to say here”. 🤦🏾♀️🤣 Great analogy!
😁 Do you mean the trigger analogy? I made a whole other Video to explain it. It sort of broke my brain too. czcams.com/video/qNmY3YvkCy4/video.htmlsi=r3l5KYVX-IbdIgNf
Hello from Thailand! I'm glad to see a new face, it's good to hear different and unique autistic situations. I'm in the process of getting a formal assessment, in the same town my dad lives and going to talk to him about it. Thank you for sharing and helping me anticipate a bit. Your experience is with family is wild, the 'seeing it in yourself but also can't take it' is intense to everyone around. A bit about me: I'm 36 and realized I'm autistic 2 years ago, did heavy research and consulted some professionals (but none were licensed to do formal dx). I still can't believe that the autistic community despite being very diverse people, the trauma bond formats and patterns are so much alike!
Interesting that you mention trauma bond. I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. Wishing you the best of luck with your dx. And I hope your conversation with your dad goes well. 🫶🏽
@@NeurodivergentMom Yes, as how we autistic people are very different than each other from different cultural backgrounds, the weird things that me and a lot of late-dx or late-ID shared would be how I was treated at school, work, and people not believing that things I struggle are legit, riding the line of being capable and not capable, etc...
@@chinatosinthiti3076 I toootally feel you. And then the worst is that you start to hate yourself because these things are hard for you and you tell yourself that they should be easy because for everyone else it’s easy. This was the biggest FREEDOM for me after my dx. Just being ok with the fact that somethings are actually really hard for me that for most others is a piece of cake.
You have the best neurodiverse channel and I’ve watched many of them. Please don’t change anything. The lighting is perfect, the sound is perfect, the editing is perfect, please please please stay the same!!!
I feel that too... thanks. I wish I had been more sensitive towards my dad but oh well. I know now how to approach the topic with other people. In summary - don't hand out diagnosis!
My son is diagnosed. I'm undiagnosed, but all tests I take online, have me scoring significantly deep into autism, its unmistaken at this point. My father is undiagnosed, but obviously autistic from my view. I'm part of a generation of undiagnosed that never got support. Even if i were to diagnose, that itself doesn't guarantee that I would receive some grace from society or the workplace, where i'm not viewed as lesser. And having my son diagnosed, might help him get tools to self regulate. But again, that doens't mean he will receive grace from society In a way I understand your father's concerns, because society does not really accept us. In my job, I perform really well and I'm paid well for this. When I've had criticisms from managers, its never been about performance, but because I'm not showing enough neuro typical traits. My experience is many people will respect the results, they might respect the hardwork, but maybe not the person. I have to jump through so many loops just to be seen as a person because masking isn't helping
How would your company react if you disclosed your diagnosis? Are there anti-discriminatory policies? Would you consider disclosing? I'm curious because in a previous job someone got wrongfully let go because the coworkers had issues with him and now I realize that it was never his performance. Only that he acted different to all of us. He ended up suing the company and I believe he won the case. I'm not sure though.
Mental health issues and neurodivergent thinking and behaviour continue to carry a huge stigma that is perpetuated by misunderstanding, misinformation, and (sometimes willful) ignorance. That is why your content is so important. It helps breaks down this stigma and spreads awareness and knowledge and, hopefully, understanding. By way of helping you understand your father’s internalisation of this stigma and why this may cause him to reject discussing Autism, I’ll tell you about my experience with my ex-in-laws who were born in the 1930s: My ex-husband’s family had an extremely pejorative way of describing his first cousin. My ex-parents-in-laws always summed up any conversation about this cousin by concluding that he would not have become such an anti-social and unpleasant adult if he hadn’t been coddled by his smothering mother and rebuffed by his overbearing father. Their theory mirrored the popular psychological theories of the 1950s that attributed mental health issues to parental neglect or abuse. When I finally met the man in 2008 (then in his mid-40s) I immediately thought his interpersonal behaviour seemed to match the stereotypical descriptions I had read of males with Aspergers (the term used at the time) and someone with contamination OCD. When I gently suggested this idea to my in-laws, they vehemently rejected it and doubled-down with more detailed examples of parental neglect and of their nephew's irreversably damaged psyche. I must have planted a seed, though, as my ex-husband recently mentioned (not directly to me) that his cousin was eventually diagnosed with Autism years later. The sad thing is that he died in 2022 and never really had the chance to recover from the damage of not knowing for most of his life that he was Autistic. Countless lives across multiple generations have been ruined by the false and horribly misleading explanations created by psychologists and psychiatrists to describe behaviours and brain development they did not understand, and the treatments they devised to “cure” or mitigate them. Taking this historical context into account, I understand why many people do not wish to acknowledge and embrace neurodiversity in themselves and their younger family members, or others they interact with. I gauge the attitude of each individual (including mental health and medical professionals) to decide how much information I share with them. But their beliefs do stop me from seeking knowledge and treatment for myself and my children. And when I think it is warranted, I plant small "seeds" of enlightenment where I hope they will grow.
Thank you for your excellent video! I totally understand why you felt the way you did in relation to your Dad's reaction when you told him you're autistic etc as my Dad reacted in a very similar way when I told him I'm autistic and, guess what? I think he may be autistic too!
I appreciate you sharing this, I too have been having a hard time with my mom and her accepting this about me (I also think I have both adhd and autism, and im seeking a diagnosis) she was very dismissive when I told her, even tho she said to me that my younger brother (who was loosely diagnosed with adhd as a kid) also told her he thinks he’s autistic recently… I also suspect we got it from her.. and the adhd from dad. I haven’t told them that tho. It’s so clear now to me. My dad is being more understanding than her. I think she’s in denial and it does trigger her, I believe she thinks it reflects negatively on her as a mom? That she didn’t see it or that she has autistic kids, idk she’s always concerned about what others will think of her. She’s said some hurtful things to me here and there since I started talking about being autistic/adhd. And idk how to deal with it tbh. I’ve just been avoiding her, but it makes me sad to do this. 16:11 this is so true! It’s so hard not to see it, people get mad about this, but I think late diagnosed people , we get excited when we start learning the signs , so we start noticing. It’s not for nefarious reasons as some ppl might think 😅😅.
Not for nefarious reasons. So true!!! You can’t not see it. I’m sorry your mom said hurtful things to you as she tries to process this new information and what this means about her as a mother. Don’t feel guilty about distancing yourself from your parents/mom for a while. From my personal experience after the necessary healing and adjusting on your part you will both come closer again in a deeper foundation of love. That’s been my experience with my mom. Still working on warming up the iciness with my dad though. 🧊
The "Do what I say because you're the child and I'm the adult" mentality is lowkey a trigger for me at this point because, now that I'm almost 33 years old, the phrase has reworded to "You need to do as we say because we're older than you". The words changed, but the sentiment is the same. It made me realize that it was never about be being "just a child" to begin with, it was always about feeding the power imbalance and the fact they want to have complete control over me because they don't respect me enough as a person to respect my right to have an opinion of my own. It is very invalidating and it makes me feel hopeless since they will always be older than me, and that lack of control or power to ever change the situation sends me into a place of despair and almost panic, because it makes me feel as if I'll never be seen or valued for me. I will never be "good enough".
@yosamdysam I took inspiration from your book to make the 2nd half of this video about disclosing to your parents about our DX. Thank you for the great book btw. It's super.
To flesh out your trigger analogy--if you have taken any sort of gun training at all, usually the first things you learn are: 1) Always keep the gun pointed in a safe direction 2) the safety stays on until you are ready to shoot 3) make sure the chamber is clear of ammunition Multiple layers of safety. If you misfire, you won't hurt anybody. If the safety is on, even if the trigger is depressed you won't hurt anybody. If there is no ammunition in the chamber, even if the safety is off, you won't hurt anybody. Hope that helps. Thank you for sharing your experiences. I hope these videos allow you to repair your relationship with your father. I am currently a 40 something trying to decide if I should pursue an autism diagnosis.
For some reason I got emotional as I read what you wrote about Triggers. The whole point of my channel is that I don't want to hurt anybody and unfortunately that happens when my autism/adhd get the better of me. Thanks so much for the explanation.
I’m sorry you had to go through that. I got diagnosed autistic about 3 months ago and I’m certain my father is autistic as well; it’s so obvious. I’ll probably never tell my parents, because I’ve cut almost all ties with them because they’re abusive and I know if I told them they would use it to hurt me. I went through a tough period shortly after getting my diagnosis where I was so tempted to tell my father because I craved his validation & I felt responsible for giving him this piece of information about himself, but I realised my mental health had to come first, and I wouldn’t get anything positive out of doing this. I’ve also been craving validation from my in-laws (we’re very close) and they haven’t been able to give it to me for various reasons, so I’ve had to let go of those expectations so as not to get hurt. I know & understand, and the person who counts the most to me(my partner, who’s AuDHD and in the process of getting diagnosed), also knows & understands, and that’s enough 😊 my mother-in-law is probably autistic as well but is in denial like your dad; she’s not ready to accept her own neurodivergence or even her son’s (my partner’s), but I know it’s probably a matter of time until she comes round. My father-in-law is most likely ADHD but also rejects it, as well as his son’s AuDHD. I hope your dad will come round because it’s obvious he counts a lot for you, but if he doesn’t please put boundaries in place so as not to get hurt ❤ you’re not responsible for making others understand. If they love you and care about your wellbeing & happiness, they should eventually accept it for your own good, even if they don’t necessarily understand it. And if they don’t, that’s on them, not you ❤
I appreciate your video and how vulnerable you are! That being said, I'm concerned that you didn't really unpack why you told your Dad that you thought he is autistic. Maybe it's something you're still processing, but to me this is really not appropriate for us to tell our loved ones when we share that we are autistic. It's really important for us to understand how strange it would be to be told by anyone so late in life that there could be a secret diagnosis that they should have had. It can feel like an attack - you said you felt your Dad went on the attack, but I bet he probably felt attacked too. His own misunderstanding of autism could make him feel that you were telling him that there was something wrong with him. When we share our diagnosis I think it's so so important that we stay focused on our symptoms and experiences and explaining autism. In all likelihood they will come away thinking about all the similarities in their own life. Just like we went on a journey to discover that we're autistic, we have to respect that they need their own journey. And they've gone even longer without diagnosis. When I shared my diagnosis with my Mom I spoke about childhood stories as examples, and I made sure to mention the things she did to help accommodate my needs without realizing that is what she was doing. I didn't bring up the things she did that made it harder for me. She made a comment about how the list of questions on the questionnaire seemed to apply to her more than me in her mind and I just smiled and didn't say anything. I didn't want her to feel like I was saying she was a bad parent or that anything was wrong with her, so I tried really hard to keep the focus on me and not my opinions about her. I speak openly about this with her often and I think it's something that over time she is probably reflecting on for herself. Same thing with ADHD, except with that she has much more easily seen how she has many of those traits since we have also had many other family members diagnosed with ADHD. My last thought is that even though your intent is for this to be private, I want you to consider what the impact of this video would be in your Dad if he did see it. I appreciate your experience is yours to share, but I just think this could potentially really be hurtful to him if he ever saw this and felt like you were betraying his privacy. Good for you for pursuing diagnosis for yourself and your child! Just remember that your Dad never had access to those same resources when he was a parent and he could be feeling hurt and confused about all of this. Keep up the great work!
Even though your comment was hard to read at first, because no one likes to be told they did something wrong, especially someone who is autistic and has high rejection sensitivity, and even though I admitted in my video that telling him was a mistake, I APPRECIATE YOUR COMMENT. I'm being honest here and you helped me to realize that WAIT A MINUTE, I came to the realization of my own Autism MYSELF and if someone else had told me, I'd FEEL HORRIBLE TOO. I can't deny it, you're right. I see how it impacted my dad a little better now. How the situation played out is very typical of how it has been with us in a father-daughter relationship forever, but that doesn't mean that I can't finally grow up and try to do it differently next time. Your comment has also made me reconsider how "private vs public" my secret project actually should be. I want to be professional here and am working to grow this into a business someday so now is the perfect time to be more conscious of this. I hope to see you more in the comments in future videos. 🙏🏽
@@NeurodivergentMom A year ago at another job somebody said they thought I was Autistic. I took offense at first, but after I did research and learned more about it, the more I suspected I had it. I was diagnosed with ADHD and Bipolar, but it seems the bipolar was misdiagnosed. I took 5 of the absolute latest Autisim tests and discovered I have a 100% probability of being on the spectrum. I am more or less high functioning but still have issues in a few key areas I am trying to improve on. I am 40 now. Just found out myself 10 months ago at 39. So it is still kind of a new concept for me and I am on the road to discovering more about myself. It explains why I am so damn eccentric and weird, and have always had issues communicating with people, especially potential love interests. I get really nervous around beautiful women who like me. I look like Dominic Monaghan just with brown hair and eyes, so people find me very attractive so I struggle with that much attention. I am trying to be more social and everything but I self isolated for 15 straight years due to extreme social anxiety. I basically was like a Hikikomori never leaving my house except for funerals. It was that bad. Recovering but still a long road to go to be "normal".
@@BFKAnthony817 it’s amazing that you eventually looked into it and found some answers, even though somebody from your work, mentioned it to you. I know somebody who was so misunderstood at work, and a bunch of his coworkers ganged up on him and got him fired, and there was even an investigation. He was simply autistic, but he didn’t know, and he didn’t disclose his autism and ADHD to the company. If he had, he wouldn’t be so misunderstood and people wouldn’t think he’s so awkward and complain against him, and eventually get him fired. This is a true story, unfortunately. We really need to raise awareness and remove the stigma also in the workplace and in schools so that people are not so misunderstood and are saved from such treatment.
Many people are rough on anyone self diagnosed. I got my autism diagnosis at 53 years old. I was self diagnosed for nearly a decade before that. I requested an examiner and doctor who were experienced with adults and females.
I am Latina. I wonder if the struggle your dad had is that he may have blamed his wife for their daughters being autistic but then you say you are so now he doesn't want to admit he is the common denominator. My parents also divorced when I was 3, when I told them I was autistic they blamed the other on where it may have come from. Before they were perfectly fine knowing I was weird and quirky. They were boggled on why all my kids are on the spectrum but for some reason when I told them I was autistic it was like "No, you are weird but you are not autistic."
I wish my parents had that attitude towards me and encouraged me to be different. Even though they are very open minded, they failed to see my full "uniqueness" and encouraged me to be normal in many ways. Especially under other people's prying eyes, it's hard to encourage your kids to be unique and different because the pressure to conform is enormous. Having a diagnosis gives you the right to fight for OTHER people to accommodate their uniqueness as well. It makes a difference. I have 5 years experience at this point in seeing the difference with my own eyes.
I am here listening to you. I have recently Self diagnose myself and my youngest child. Sadly, I also have dementia. 11:00 you speak about being the adult and having the ability to restrain yourself and behave like an adult. Because of I have dementia, is one reason I have self diagnosed myself. I don't seem to be able to restraint myself and often behave like a Toddler‼️🫤🫣🤨🙄 This hurts my family/love ones and, of course, myself. I have to mask so much when in public. It drains me to be bedridden. I also have chronic pain. Adding everything, I become very depressed. Seeing that my mom could have or is Autistic has allowed me to have more empathy for her. She is a different kind of autism and has had many struggles with learning academicly/learning disabilities.
I behave like a toddler often. Even allistic people do. With us autists it's probably more often. It's OK. At least we're aware of it and taking ownership of it, even if it's after the fact. It gives us an opportunity to process it and try to trace that tantrum back to a past event in the recent past or even in our own childhoods that left a scar that wants to be healed now. That has been my experience. Also learning of my parents neurodivergence has been so healing. Accepting them and their flaws and understanding why they behaved a certain way has been so healing.
Yup that would be mine, all my life...just like most of his reactions..🤔 I used to ask my mom, "" Why does Dad hate me? why is he so angry? My history is like yours.
The toll the relationship takes when we don’t have awareness of neurodivergence in our parents and kids it’s huge. Just knowing brings so much love and forgiveness
Different generations have different understanding of behaviors. The social environent we grew up in shapes how we understand things. Don't be hard on your father.
Main thing is how older generations see autism. Its still hard disability for them, synonim of beeing dumb, disabled. Previous terminology for people like us was Asperger. Now people formerly named as people with autism was mainly with intelectual disabilities, or with harder difficulties(now much better explained with monotropic theory)
@@NeurodivergentMomhowever it would be now very hard to explain it all to Your father, especially with ADHD. I can imagine how passionate You are about it, in addition wanting to help him, however with amount of control we need as autistics, harder someone want to pressure us, harder we are getting defensive
@@reynewan999 I totally agree. I know now that I have to give him his own time to process this and not over share with him about what’s going on with me and my Dx.
Girls and elderly are missed with ADD diagnoses and it's a spectrum, he might only think of stereotypes who were obvious autistic, just like me i got diagnosed at age 50 and started to get information about it.
The diagnostic criteria were not complete back then... and I don't blame my dad for rejecting my couch-diagnosis. Autism has a negative connotation for that generation as so many people had reminded me in the comments.
:30 Yeah, I learned the hard way not to say "I think you'e autistic too" the hard way. Regardless of whether it's true or not, autism is a profound thing. It's best to approach the subject carefully, over time from a place of love and acceptance. Never in the context of arguing or advocating for yourself. One way I've found to stop knee-jerk invalidating responses from people when I disclose my diagnosis is to ask "How much do you know about autism?" in a non threatening sincere manner. Anyone who says they know a lot about it who isn't autistic is full of sh*t. Even (especilly) mental health professionals. Don't waste your time seeking aknowledgement or suppport from these people. They have decided they know everything about autism, and if you're not obviously struggling with high support needs (level 2 or 3) they'll dismiss your autism identity. The only people truly qualified to "understand" autism and the autistic expereince are autistic people. Autistic people who are aware of their autism, or who susepect it, and who have done the intensive research it takes to understand the complex and various ways autism presents outwardly and impacts us inwardly. There's a reason nuerotypical people at Autism Speaks use a puzzle piece to symbolize us. Yes, it's offensive, but it reflects the bewilderment and ignorance and insensitivity of nuerotypical people trying to understand us. I was a high masking undiagnosed autistic person for 57 years before I was correctly identified and diagnosed as autistic. It's been a rollercoaster ride, that's ultimately been good, but never easy. Some people are simply not ready or able to recieve such a life changing revelation about themselves. Your father might someday come to the realization that he's autistic, or he might not. All you can do is support him is he does, while insisting that if he wants to have a good relationship with you and your family, he has to accept and suppport your identity and needs as an autistic person Good luck
10:00 - This "overdiagnosis" thing is such a typical response from people. Autism is worefully UNDERDIAGNOSED. I like to point out that less than 1:1000 people over the age of 70 have formal autism diagnosis, yet the current statistic for the general population is 1:40. Even that number is an gross underestimat in my opinin, because there's no routine screening process for autism that's been used to validate the 1:40 number. As far as "doing harm" I'd respond that there's a much greater risk of harm to your son if he's autistic and remains undiagnosed, because he won't recieve the support he needs. The risk of misdiagnosis is very low. The criteria for autism are very clear, and if anything, overly narrow. Far more children and adults go undiagnosed or incorrectly diagnosed with mental health disorders that are a product of underlying autistic nuerology. This often leads to medication and psychotheraputic behavioral interventions that attempt to normalize behavior rather than support the underlying autism driving the child or adult's difficulties. It doesn't work, and cause great harm. Ask your father what sort of harms would be caused to a nuerotypical child diagnosed and supported as autistic vs an autistic child misdiagnosed as nuerotypical and not supported as autistic! I've found that this technique of inverting nuerotypical and autistic roles is incredibly effective at getting through to even the most stubborn people, like who support ABA thereaphy to normalize the behavior of autistic children so the fit in better with nuerotypical peers: "Imagine taking a nuerotypical child and forcing them to behave like they are autistic." When a look of shock and horror crosses their face and they go silent, you'll no longer have to explain why attempting to "fix" autistic people is abusive. Same thing applies to any sort of argument involving NTs vs autistic treatment or diagnosis or accomodation. Cut through the Gordian knot of the Double Empathy problem using argument by inversion. Put them in our shoes.
I love "there's a much greater risk of harm to your son if he's autistic and remains undiagnosed, because he won't recieve the support he needs." TRUTH! THIS IS GOLD: "Ask your father what sort of harms would be caused to a nuerotypical child diagnosed and supported as autistic vs an autistic child misdiagnosed as nuerotypical and not supported as autistic!" My mind is blown. 🤯 I'll use it. Thanks for this detailed answer! 💐
There’s a whole list of markers from my childhood and teenage years I’m planning to make a video on it going through all of them. Moreover I’ve been acting more autistic since I’ve had kids and moved to a new country which can also happen - a new season of life can make all the masking and coping strategies crumble and an underlying neurodivergent condition can become impossible to hide any longer. That has been true in my case.
haha... thanks. I get that so often. Sometimes I feel like my ADHD made me kind of not grow up. And it reflected on my appearance as well. Just a random thought bubble. Are there other ADHDers who look a lot younger than they are? Like Jessica from @howtoADHD for example?
For me autism is not the solution per se but rather the awareness that “ah so this is what it is why I felt like something was wrong with me and I was unlovable” all my life which is closer to the solution. Not the autism rather the awareness.. Now I can try to love the way that god made me with a bit more understanding and a bit less resistance and self hatred. Not completely there yet obviously, It’s a process.
Autistic people from an older generation might be the worse allies sometimes. I sometimes think we're all just older versions of who we were at age 12 and in this case, your dad's 12 year old self was reacting to you.
Some other commenters have also said something similar. Undiagnosed autistic adults are often the most closed minded and intolerant of autistic kids (and sometimes adults). I agree that my dad's inner child was reacting to me... that's usually the case in me as well when I overreact to my kids. It's a kid version of me that's hurt about something and I flip back into the past. I talk about that in this video czcams.com/video/qNmY3YvkCy4/video.htmlsi=c5W5gpXXHEBUciOe
Yes self diagnosed. I’ve been through other psychological assessments in my 20s and bipolar was not diagnosed. Clinical depression and severe anemia was though.
Are you gonna elaborate on that or just leave this kind of statement with no context? Also there’s no way for you to definitely know from merely a video.
I also absolutely thought people would be as amazed at the solved riddle as me and say "ah, that explains it!!!"
I also tried to tell my father that I thought he was on the spectrum for the same reasons and he was also not accepting. Different generations.
By the way... Too funny that you mention recognizing other people being on the spectrum all around you similar to that scene from sixth Sense... I actually did a short about this sometime ago 😂
It was your short!!! Yes that short inspired this actually. You nailed it. I see them EVERYWHERE 😆😂
I should have included a screen grab (with attribution) of that short. I didn’t know how to do that type of editing at the time I made this video.
In the future ;)
Also maybe a possible collab or interview in the future?
@@NeurodivergentMom oh I didn't even think you got that from my short I really just thought it was that obvious of a concept for all of us 🤣
I would love to collab with you sometime! Shoot me an email when you have time
I hear you! I was diagnosed ADHD in December and thanks to NeurodiverJennt and others I recognised I actually have AuDHD, which my GP agrees with. This revelation, after decades of miadiagnoses, (including by said GP) was so profound, so life-changing, I wanted my whole family to know! I felt like a religious zealot spreading the word on FB! But with family, I bided my time to get my facts straight. I had to get my 88 yo Mum to go with me to the psychiatrist to describe me as a child, for diagnosis and afterwards my Dr said she probably didn't think anything was unusual about me because she is the same, and probably also has ADHD. I am certain all seven in my family are a different version of the same cocktail. Still, it took me seven months to put it in a letter to Mum and the two brothers she lives with, with a copy of Driven To Distraction, and only after I had found four generations of ASD evidence through my ancestry research.
Only one brother has responded and he only with a 'Wow' emoji after I sent him a couple of videos.
The men in my life seem to be in denial. Their wives have thanked me.
Communication has always sucked in our family, so all I can hope is it gets through eventually for the sake of their kids. Some of those have been diagnosed, yet still the penny still won't drop for their fathers. One brother is blaming his wife's side of the family, despite being a spectrum posterchild himself! Maybe it's some kind of masculine pride thing - women are encouraged to talk of their feelings, men not so much, as they fear showing weakness. Maybe.
Oh well.
You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it read a book, watch a podcast or see a psych. ;)
@@jod6045 it’s interesting you bring up the difference in how men and women in your family took it. My dad is still … I don’t know. Hasn’t embraced it let’s say. My mother has and encourages me.
Thanks so much for sharing your life’s journey and this little slice of it here. It brings more context to this video.
I don't think kindness and understanding are going mess up your kids. Even if your son ends up not being on the spectrum, attempting to treat him in a way that allows him to process his feelings is one of the best things you can do!
This is something that prevented me from "self-diagnosing" autism for a couple of years -- the fear that I would try to "help" myself, but only cause harm, because I was treating myself autistic when I really wasn't. I now realize that, short of actual medication or self-harm, "pretending" to be autistic when you aren't isn't going to hurt you. And if you find, say, something like rocking, to be soothing, why should you be embarrassed in public to do it, whether or not you have autism?
Then again, I didn't come to this realization until *after* I self-diagnosed -- and I hadn't done a deep dive into just what autism is until shortly after I was self-diagnosed -- and I'm kindof annoyed by that, too, because (1) if I had understood autism better, I'd have had a better time understanding my two autistic daughters (even though one was only formally diagnosed a few months ago), and (2) I would have been able to understand *myself* earlier, and started taking steps to help myself, had I known!
Alas, life is messy, and we have to push forward with what we know, and try to learn a little bit more each day.
you are going to be a great advocate for the neurodiversity movement. congratulations. your dad will probably come to accept his neurotype with education and gentleness. your kids are lucky to have you.
Thanks for saying that my dad will come around. Maybe and it would be nice but I'm not holding my breath. Instead I'm accepting him as he is and trying to only answer his questions without getting triggered and defensive.
@@NeurodivergentMom you are wise beyond your years.
I’m so excited to have found your channel! I’m an autistic girl and my family originate from Bangladesh so it’s really a breath of fresh air to find someone that understands neurodiversity in the context of this culture. Thankfully things are starting to shift with the later generations but I think there will always be some people unwilling to learn ❤
A fellow Bangladesh connection! I’m so grateful my content reached you. Thank you CZcams. I’m planning a video in Bangla because I want more women in Bangladesh to become aware of their neurodivergence and there to be acceptance in our culture for this (which there is actually more than the west) but without the shame (which there is more of there perhaps). If you have cultural examples to add of your childhood experience please do! You can also contact me via my website.
Oh definitely! There’s so much! From all the family gatherings where I dithered in the corner with a book and when I got old enough, just stopped attending at all, to only eating the plainest rice with zero spice, to running away at the smell of cooking and curry. It’s also been strange because a lot of the girls that have been my age in the family all fit this box of speaking Bangla, wearing the traditional clothes, excelling academically and very soon getting married and knowing I don’t fit any of that criteria. Oh, and my bright blue ear defenders don’t help 😂
Also the religious aspect, where family think the autism can be prayed away or with ruqyah (which can be a positive thing, but it was always suggested to me in regards to casting out something wrong with me) and trying to understand religion and cultural etiquette when your brain isn’t automatically on the same page and doesn’t have the same filter others have, and not understanding why people have to accept elders borderline abusing them out of respect and not being able to look people in the eye (this was from my mums generation) as it was seen as disrespectful!
Thanks so much@@MIA80073 for taking the time to share this! I'll definitely include it in my video on. Being an undiagnosed brown girl growing up. My wish is that it will reach others like us and help them feel less alone and less misunderstood.
I am training to be a therapist and just learned I’m in the spectrum. I have always studied every topic I find interesting until I have exhausted the information on said topic. I create or do several projects constantly. I fixate on things and I have certain sounds that really bother me. My son is on the spectrum but I never knew the information I know now about the spectrum. Now I believe it runs in families because now that I am watching my other children- four of five of them have the same behaviors. Nice to meet you.
Thanks for your comment. Yes it is heavily genetic/hereditary and we have the opportunity to spot it downward in our kids and also upward in our parents and then maybe we can have more forgiveness for how they were with us. Idk. Thanks for your comment 🫶🏽
Thank god. We need more autistic therapists. A lot more. I won't talk to any therapist at this point who doesn't identify as autistic. You might want to consider specializing in the treatment of autistic adults - there is almost no support for us from the mental health profession.
@@TheWilliamHoganExperience Yes, I have noticed that they (a lot of places) like to add on labels or try to change the diagnosis post 18 years old for a lot of clients. I am against this, and feel it causes more harm, as many of the medications are not good for someone with Autism. I will be seeking out specialization training in the area. I hope that you find a counselor who really gets you; wish you the best!
I'm so glad I found your channel!!! I also started comparing my experience of suddenly seeing everyone everywhere as neurodivergent..comparing it to the Sixth Sense... "I see them everywhere... they're walking around and they don't know they're neurodivergent..." 🤣🤣😭😭 The moment you used that analogy my theory of mind started tingling haha...
Right? 😂😂😂 they are everywhere
Thank you for your vulnerability and honesty. I'm having a near identical situation with my dad but by some magical power I have managed not to tell him I think he's autistic. I don't know how. But he keeps pushing it, because now I'm freshly diagnosed at 39 I'm seeing the reality of how my family behaves, and there's been so much long term emotional and verbal abuse and manipulation. I understand why people say "You don't tell people you think they're autistic." But if it's causing suffering that is targeted at me, specifically if it could be a major cause for the social blindness my family have had thinking they're all loving and they're not, I'm finding a lot of logical reasons to tell him. Cos his verbal abuse will still come at me either way, the constant gaslighting and dismissing and ignoring me. If me telling him his behaviour is hurtful (which I've done) doesn't help, I sorta feel like it's my last option. I don't know how else I can open a door to keep that relationship ongoing. It just hurts me too much and has made me see why I've spent my whole life feeling crushed.
I think suggesting it to people should be encouraged - in an appropriate way (and of course I could be wrong) - if you feel it may put a stop to suffering and begin to create roads of real self exploration.
these things you said "by some magical power I have managed not to tell him I think he's autistic." And "motional and verbal abuse and manipulation" - this has been a HUGE issue with my dad every time I tried to critique him or just stand up for myself throughout my teens and 20s.
I still think telling him he's autistic was wrong. And almost 8 months later it has done ZERO for this self-awareness and improving our relataionship.
I wouldn't tell my mom I think I am autistic even though, yes, I believe she is 100% autistic. She is a loner, a hoarder, has 15 cats, and is basically an outcast of society. She gets really defensive and is the most hard headed person I know. She doesn't listen to me as a person and disregards everything I say. SO I won't be telling her my revelation. It's sad that some of the boomer generation will never have the gratification of knowing they are autistic because they are blinded by stereotypes. She needs help but will never get it because she is so stubborn and hard headed.
Yeah that’s true. They won’t get that satisfaction that “ah, now it all makes sense. My whole life’s struggles finally make sense.” I was hoping to help my dad have that feeling but it didn’t help at all. You’re wise to keep it to yourself.
@@NeurodivergentMom I’m late diagnosed autistic at 49, am 50 now, but self diagnosed for 2 years. This has been my experience as well, as I see soooo many of the things that now make sense and understand it wasn’t my fault. It’s a 2 edged sword because my only child, 27, basically told me 2 days ago that her and my husband (her step dad) aren’t responding to my texts or short videos (I literally found the shortest most impactful videos (like yours…just found you today) that wouldn’t make them have to listen to the longer ones) or giving any feedback because they are sick of hearing about it. That crushed me. It took so much courage and I felt so betrayed and I accepted.
More so than that, my only (grandchild) little granddaughter , age 4 is showing displaying signs as well. I didn’t know what to look for with my daughter when she was little, which has made this journey for myself, and identifying what I now recognize in both of them. My daughter was telling me 2 days ago, that my granddaughter, who has never acted out towards her Pre K friends, was hitting them, screaming at them, and wanting to play what she wanted when she came over to their table. My daughter put her in counseling, and when the counselor was asking why she did that, she said she wasn’t mad or upset (she didn’t have the language for what was wrong) and just burst out into sobbing tears. That broke my heart and why I tried to show my daughter why I thought she may have the same struggles and she and I both did. She also stated the counselor asked my GD to play with certain toys with her and that she could only mimic what the counselor did, and couldn’t seem to know how to play along. My girls are what has given me the courage to pursue what I have once I understood what I was dealing with all my life…to keep them from experiencing life as I and my daughter have. Yet, it wasn’t accepted AT ALL the way I thought it would be. When my daughter feels slighted, she punishes us by withholding us from seeing my GD. I feel so dumb for thinking she would “hear” me and look into it for herself, and see what she thought. I just wanted her to point out a couple of these things ha and let the counselor know my GD has ADHD and Autism on both sides of her family (GD’s dad also has it in his family). I literally don’t even feel comfortable visiting her or making small talk, when something so important to myself was trampled over and ignored. I can only accept that I shared it with her and did my part. I can’t control what she does with it. I’m having to have radical acceptance for a lot of my daughter, and husband’s (of 20 years) hateful, dismissive, and degrading words and behaviors. I thought if I loved them enough, and showed/modeled for them how to open up and trust me with their heart hurts or anything bothering them, that we would have a healthy relationship ship. Now I’m having that old familiar eggshell walking feeling, so I just keep my thoughts to myself, instead of sharing it and thinking it would be safe. “Don’t cast your pearls before a swine” as they will trample and crush them with no second thoughts. I’m so thankful you’re making these videos…I needed this today.
If you could, would you make videos about how your small children (especially if one is a little girl around my GD’s age), so that I can at least understand more, not for my daughter, but so my GD knows I SEE her. Thanks again.
Problem is, there's basically no help for autistic adults other than the lay autistic community. We are ignored by the mental health professions as "untreatable". When they do attempt to treat us, they attempt to normalize us, which does incredible harm and doesn't work anyway.
15 cats you say?
Sounds like autistic paradise for an autistic cat lover! =)
May i suggest you look at Rebecca Manville Scapegoating recovery? She really helps with processing childhood trauma and the kind of disconnect with your mom. Sounds like shes got tons of traumas she hasnt addressed. Much love. ❤
10:50 Literally had to visualize this in my head and got frustrated that it didn’t complete, but let it go bc I did “know what you were trying to say here”. 🤦🏾♀️🤣 Great analogy!
😁 Do you mean the trigger analogy? I made a whole other Video to explain it. It sort of broke my brain too. czcams.com/video/qNmY3YvkCy4/video.htmlsi=r3l5KYVX-IbdIgNf
@@NeurodivergentMom 😂Yes!
Hello from Thailand! I'm glad to see a new face, it's good to hear different and unique autistic situations. I'm in the process of getting a formal assessment, in the same town my dad lives and going to talk to him about it. Thank you for sharing and helping me anticipate a bit. Your experience is with family is wild, the 'seeing it in yourself but also can't take it' is intense to everyone around.
A bit about me: I'm 36 and realized I'm autistic 2 years ago, did heavy research and consulted some professionals (but none were licensed to do formal dx). I still can't believe that the autistic community despite being very diverse people, the trauma bond formats and patterns are so much alike!
Interesting that you mention trauma bond. I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately.
Wishing you the best of luck with your dx. And I hope your conversation with your dad goes well. 🫶🏽
@@NeurodivergentMom Yes, as how we autistic people are very different than each other from different cultural backgrounds, the weird things that me and a lot of late-dx or late-ID shared would be how I was treated at school, work, and people not believing that things I struggle are legit, riding the line of being capable and not capable, etc...
@@chinatosinthiti3076 I toootally feel you. And then the worst is that you start to hate yourself because these things are hard for you and you tell yourself that they should be easy because for everyone else it’s easy. This was the biggest FREEDOM for me after my dx. Just being ok with the fact that somethings are actually really hard for me that for most others is a piece of cake.
You have the best neurodiverse channel and I’ve watched many of them. Please don’t change anything. The lighting is perfect, the sound is perfect, the editing is perfect, please please please stay the same!!!
Wow, thank you! I'm grateful for your comment!
You are doing exactly the right thing for your kids/family. 💛
I feel that too... thanks. I wish I had been more sensitive towards my dad but oh well. I know now how to approach the topic with other people. In summary - don't hand out diagnosis!
My son is diagnosed. I'm undiagnosed, but all tests I take online, have me scoring significantly deep into autism, its unmistaken at this point. My father is undiagnosed, but obviously autistic from my view.
I'm part of a generation of undiagnosed that never got support. Even if i were to diagnose, that itself doesn't guarantee that I would receive some grace from society or the workplace, where i'm not viewed as lesser.
And having my son diagnosed, might help him get tools to self regulate. But again, that doens't mean he will receive grace from society
In a way I understand your father's concerns, because society does not really accept us. In my job, I perform really well and I'm paid well for this. When I've had criticisms from managers, its never been about performance, but because I'm not showing enough neuro typical traits. My experience is many people will respect the results, they might respect the hardwork, but maybe not the person. I have to jump through so many loops just to be seen as a person because masking isn't helping
How would your company react if you disclosed your diagnosis? Are there anti-discriminatory policies? Would you consider disclosing? I'm curious because in a previous job someone got wrongfully let go because the coworkers had issues with him and now I realize that it was never his performance. Only that he acted different to all of us. He ended up suing the company and I believe he won the case. I'm not sure though.
Mental health issues and neurodivergent thinking and behaviour continue to carry a huge stigma that is perpetuated by misunderstanding, misinformation, and (sometimes willful) ignorance. That is why your content is so important. It helps breaks down this stigma and spreads awareness and knowledge and, hopefully, understanding.
By way of helping you understand your father’s internalisation of this stigma and why this may cause him to reject discussing Autism, I’ll tell you about my experience with my ex-in-laws who were born in the 1930s: My ex-husband’s family had an extremely pejorative way of describing his first cousin. My ex-parents-in-laws always summed up any conversation about this cousin by concluding that he would not have become such an anti-social and unpleasant adult if he hadn’t been coddled by his smothering mother and rebuffed by his overbearing father. Their theory mirrored the popular psychological theories of the 1950s that attributed mental health issues to parental neglect or abuse. When I finally met the man in 2008 (then in his mid-40s) I immediately thought his interpersonal behaviour seemed to match the stereotypical descriptions I had read of males with Aspergers (the term used at the time) and someone with contamination OCD. When I gently suggested this idea to my in-laws, they vehemently rejected it and doubled-down with more detailed examples of parental neglect and of their nephew's irreversably damaged psyche. I must have planted a seed, though, as my ex-husband recently mentioned (not directly to me) that his cousin was eventually diagnosed with Autism years later. The sad thing is that he died in 2022 and never really had the chance to recover from the damage of not knowing for most of his life that he was Autistic.
Countless lives across multiple generations have been ruined by the false and horribly misleading explanations created by psychologists and psychiatrists to describe behaviours and brain development they did not understand, and the treatments they devised to “cure” or mitigate them.
Taking this historical context into account, I understand why many people do not wish to acknowledge and embrace neurodiversity in themselves and their younger family members, or others they interact with. I gauge the attitude of each individual (including mental health and medical professionals) to decide how much information I share with them. But their beliefs do stop me from seeking knowledge and treatment for myself and my children. And when I think it is warranted, I plant small "seeds" of enlightenment where I hope they will grow.
Great insight into the difficulty of managing neuro-divergent dynamics within the family. Thanks for the video.
So many dynamics in the family to manage … self awareness is key
Thank you for your excellent video! I totally understand why you felt the way you did in relation to your Dad's reaction when you told him you're autistic etc as my Dad reacted in a very similar way when I told him I'm autistic and, guess what? I think he may be autistic too!
I appreciate you sharing this, I too have been having a hard time with my mom and her accepting this about me (I also think I have both adhd and autism, and im seeking a diagnosis) she was very dismissive when I told her, even tho she said to me that my younger brother (who was loosely diagnosed with adhd as a kid) also told her he thinks he’s autistic recently… I also suspect we got it from her.. and the adhd from dad. I haven’t told them that tho. It’s so clear now to me. My dad is being more understanding than her. I think she’s in denial and it does trigger her, I believe she thinks it reflects negatively on her as a mom? That she didn’t see it or that she has autistic kids, idk she’s always concerned about what others will think of her. She’s said some hurtful things to me here and there since I started talking about being autistic/adhd. And idk how to deal with it tbh. I’ve just been avoiding her, but it makes me sad to do this. 16:11 this is so true! It’s so hard not to see it, people get mad about this, but I think late diagnosed people , we get excited when we start learning the signs , so we start noticing. It’s not for nefarious reasons as some ppl might think 😅😅.
Not for nefarious reasons. So true!!! You can’t not see it.
I’m sorry your mom said hurtful things to you as she tries to process this new information and what this means about her as a mother. Don’t feel guilty about distancing yourself from your parents/mom for a while. From my personal experience after the necessary healing and adjusting on your part you will both come closer again in a deeper foundation of love. That’s been my experience with my mom. Still working on warming up the iciness with my dad though. 🧊
The "Do what I say because you're the child and I'm the adult" mentality is lowkey a trigger for me at this point because, now that I'm almost 33 years old, the phrase has reworded to "You need to do as we say because we're older than you". The words changed, but the sentiment is the same. It made me realize that it was never about be being "just a child" to begin with, it was always about feeding the power imbalance and the fact they want to have complete control over me because they don't respect me enough as a person to respect my right to have an opinion of my own. It is very invalidating and it makes me feel hopeless since they will always be older than me, and that lack of control or power to ever change the situation sends me into a place of despair and almost panic, because it makes me feel as if I'll never be seen or valued for me. I will never be "good enough".
@yosamdysam I took inspiration from your book to make the 2nd half of this video about disclosing to your parents about our DX. Thank you for the great book btw. It's super.
To flesh out your trigger analogy--if you have taken any sort of gun training at all, usually the first things you learn are:
1) Always keep the gun pointed in a safe direction
2) the safety stays on until you are ready to shoot
3) make sure the chamber is clear of ammunition
Multiple layers of safety. If you misfire, you won't hurt anybody. If the safety is on, even if the trigger is depressed you won't hurt anybody. If there is no ammunition in the chamber, even if the safety is off, you won't hurt anybody.
Hope that helps. Thank you for sharing your experiences. I hope these videos allow you to repair your relationship with your father. I am currently a 40 something trying to decide if I should pursue an autism diagnosis.
For some reason I got emotional as I read what you wrote about Triggers. The whole point of my channel is that I don't want to hurt anybody and unfortunately that happens when my autism/adhd get the better of me. Thanks so much for the explanation.
@NeurodivergentMom hey we are all going through our process, but with practice and consciousness, we get better 💛
@@bethanykittok3903 💛🌻
@bethanykittok3903 I finally made that Trigger video. Thanks again! czcams.com/video/qNmY3YvkCy4/video.html
I’m sorry you had to go through that. I got diagnosed autistic about 3 months ago and I’m certain my father is autistic as well; it’s so obvious. I’ll probably never tell my parents, because I’ve cut almost all ties with them because they’re abusive and I know if I told them they would use it to hurt me. I went through a tough period shortly after getting my diagnosis where I was so tempted to tell my father because I craved his validation & I felt responsible for giving him this piece of information about himself, but I realised my mental health had to come first, and I wouldn’t get anything positive out of doing this. I’ve also been craving validation from my in-laws (we’re very close) and they haven’t been able to give it to me for various reasons, so I’ve had to let go of those expectations so as not to get hurt. I know & understand, and the person who counts the most to me(my partner, who’s AuDHD and in the process of getting diagnosed), also knows & understands, and that’s enough 😊 my mother-in-law is probably autistic as well but is in denial like your dad; she’s not ready to accept her own neurodivergence or even her son’s (my partner’s), but I know it’s probably a matter of time until she comes round. My father-in-law is most likely ADHD but also rejects it, as well as his son’s AuDHD. I hope your dad will come round because it’s obvious he counts a lot for you, but if he doesn’t please put boundaries in place so as not to get hurt ❤ you’re not responsible for making others understand. If they love you and care about your wellbeing & happiness, they should eventually accept it for your own good, even if they don’t necessarily understand it. And if they don’t, that’s on them, not you ❤
I appreciate your video and how vulnerable you are!
That being said, I'm concerned that you didn't really unpack why you told your Dad that you thought he is autistic. Maybe it's something you're still processing, but to me this is really not appropriate for us to tell our loved ones when we share that we are autistic.
It's really important for us to understand how strange it would be to be told by anyone so late in life that there could be a secret diagnosis that they should have had. It can feel like an attack - you said you felt your Dad went on the attack, but I bet he probably felt attacked too.
His own misunderstanding of autism could make him feel that you were telling him that there was something wrong with him.
When we share our diagnosis I think it's so so important that we stay focused on our symptoms and experiences and explaining autism.
In all likelihood they will come away thinking about all the similarities in their own life.
Just like we went on a journey to discover that we're autistic, we have to respect that they need their own journey. And they've gone even longer without diagnosis.
When I shared my diagnosis with my Mom I spoke about childhood stories as examples, and I made sure to mention the things she did to help accommodate my needs without realizing that is what she was doing. I didn't bring up the things she did that made it harder for me. She made a comment about how the list of questions on the questionnaire seemed to apply to her more than me in her mind and I just smiled and didn't say anything.
I didn't want her to feel like I was saying she was a bad parent or that anything was wrong with her, so I tried really hard to keep the focus on me and not my opinions about her.
I speak openly about this with her often and I think it's something that over time she is probably reflecting on for herself.
Same thing with ADHD, except with that she has much more easily seen how she has many of those traits since we have also had many other family members diagnosed with ADHD.
My last thought is that even though your intent is for this to be private, I want you to consider what the impact of this video would be in your Dad if he did see it. I appreciate your experience is yours to share, but I just think this could potentially really be hurtful to him if he ever saw this and felt like you were betraying his privacy.
Good for you for pursuing diagnosis for yourself and your child! Just remember that your Dad never had access to those same resources when he was a parent and he could be feeling hurt and confused about all of this.
Keep up the great work!
Even though your comment was hard to read at first, because no one likes to be told they did something wrong, especially someone who is autistic and has high rejection sensitivity, and even though I admitted in my video that telling him was a mistake, I APPRECIATE YOUR COMMENT. I'm being honest here and you helped me to realize that WAIT A MINUTE, I came to the realization of my own Autism MYSELF and if someone else had told me, I'd FEEL HORRIBLE TOO. I can't deny it, you're right.
I see how it impacted my dad a little better now. How the situation played out is very typical of how it has been with us in a father-daughter relationship forever, but that doesn't mean that I can't finally grow up and try to do it differently next time.
Your comment has also made me reconsider how "private vs public" my secret project actually should be. I want to be professional here and am working to grow this into a business someday so now is the perfect time to be more conscious of this.
I hope to see you more in the comments in future videos. 🙏🏽
@@NeurodivergentMom A year ago at another job somebody said they thought I was Autistic. I took offense at first, but after I did research and learned more about it, the more I suspected I had it. I was diagnosed with ADHD and Bipolar, but it seems the bipolar was misdiagnosed. I took 5 of the absolute latest Autisim tests and discovered I have a 100% probability of being on the spectrum. I am more or less high functioning but still have issues in a few key areas I am trying to improve on.
I am 40 now. Just found out myself 10 months ago at 39. So it is still kind of a new concept for me and I am on the road to discovering more about myself. It explains why I am so damn eccentric and weird, and have always had issues communicating with people, especially potential love interests. I get really nervous around beautiful women who like me. I look like Dominic Monaghan just with brown hair and eyes, so people find me very attractive so I struggle with that much attention. I am trying to be more social and everything but I self isolated for 15 straight years due to extreme social anxiety. I basically was like a Hikikomori never leaving my house except for funerals. It was that bad. Recovering but still a long road to go to be "normal".
@@BFKAnthony817 it’s amazing that you eventually looked into it and found some answers, even though somebody from your work, mentioned it to you. I know somebody who was so misunderstood at work, and a bunch of his coworkers ganged up on him and got him fired, and there was even an investigation. He was simply autistic, but he didn’t know, and he didn’t disclose his autism and ADHD to the company. If he had, he wouldn’t be so misunderstood and people wouldn’t think he’s so awkward and complain against him, and eventually get him fired. This is a true story, unfortunately. We really need to raise awareness and remove the stigma also in the workplace and in schools so that people are not so misunderstood and are saved from such treatment.
Many people are rough on anyone self diagnosed. I got my autism diagnosis at 53 years old. I was self diagnosed for nearly a decade before that. I requested an examiner and doctor who were experienced with adults and females.
May I ask what made you decide to get a professional diagnosis? Since you already had self-diagnosed yourself?
I am Latina. I wonder if the struggle your dad had is that he may have blamed his wife for their daughters being autistic but then you say you are so now he doesn't want to admit he is the common denominator. My parents also divorced when I was 3, when I told them I was autistic they blamed the other on where it may have come from.
Before they were perfectly fine knowing I was weird and quirky. They were boggled on why all my kids are on the spectrum but for some reason when I told them I was autistic it was like "No, you are weird but you are not autistic."
One doesn’t need to be diagnosed in order to try to respect the uniqueness of each child, and to have difficulty in doing so!
I wish my parents had that attitude towards me and encouraged me to be different. Even though they are very open minded, they failed to see my full "uniqueness" and encouraged me to be normal in many ways. Especially under other people's prying eyes, it's hard to encourage your kids to be unique and different because the pressure to conform is enormous. Having a diagnosis gives you the right to fight for OTHER people to accommodate their uniqueness as well. It makes a difference. I have 5 years experience at this point in seeing the difference with my own eyes.
I am here listening to you. I have recently Self diagnose myself and my youngest child. Sadly, I also have dementia.
11:00 you speak about being the adult and having the ability to restrain yourself and behave like an adult. Because of I have dementia, is one reason I have self diagnosed myself. I don't seem to be able to restraint myself and often behave like a Toddler‼️🫤🫣🤨🙄 This hurts my family/love ones and, of course, myself. I have to mask so much when in public. It drains me to be bedridden. I also have chronic pain. Adding everything, I become very depressed.
Seeing that my mom could have or is Autistic has allowed me to have more empathy for her. She is a different kind of autism and has had many struggles with learning academicly/learning disabilities.
I behave like a toddler often. Even allistic people do. With us autists it's probably more often. It's OK. At least we're aware of it and taking ownership of it, even if it's after the fact. It gives us an opportunity to process it and try to trace that tantrum back to a past event in the recent past or even in our own childhoods that left a scar that wants to be healed now. That has been my experience. Also learning of my parents neurodivergence has been so healing. Accepting them and their flaws and understanding why they behaved a certain way has been so healing.
Thank you for showing compassion for me❣️
I just subscribe to your channel.
Yup that would be mine, all my life...just like most of his reactions..🤔 I used to ask my mom, "" Why does Dad hate me? why is he so angry? My history is like yours.
The toll the relationship takes when we don’t have awareness of neurodivergence in our parents and kids it’s huge. Just knowing brings so much love and forgiveness
Different generations have different understanding of behaviors. The social environent we grew up in shapes how we understand things. Don't be hard on your father.
I Bet my dad is also wishing the same thing… I’ll take this to heart. 🙏🏾
Main thing is how older generations see autism. Its still hard disability for them, synonim of beeing dumb, disabled.
Previous terminology for people like us was Asperger. Now people formerly named as people with autism was mainly with intelectual disabilities, or with harder difficulties(now much better explained with monotropic theory)
@@NeurodivergentMomhowever it would be now very hard to explain it all to Your father, especially with ADHD. I can imagine how passionate You are about it, in addition wanting to help him, however with amount of control we need as autistics, harder someone want to pressure us, harder we are getting defensive
@@reynewan999 I totally agree. I know now that I have to give him his own time to process this and not over share with him about what’s going on with me and my Dx.
Girls and elderly are missed with ADD diagnoses and it's a spectrum, he might only think of stereotypes who were obvious autistic, just like me i got diagnosed at age 50 and started to get information about it.
The diagnostic criteria were not complete back then... and I don't blame my dad for rejecting my couch-diagnosis. Autism has a negative connotation for that generation as so many people had reminded me in the comments.
:30 Yeah, I learned the hard way not to say "I think you'e autistic too" the hard way. Regardless of whether it's true or not, autism is a profound thing. It's best to approach the subject carefully, over time from a place of love and acceptance. Never in the context of arguing or advocating for yourself.
One way I've found to stop knee-jerk invalidating responses from people when I disclose my diagnosis is to ask "How much do you know about autism?" in a non threatening sincere manner. Anyone who says they know a lot about it who isn't autistic is full of sh*t. Even (especilly) mental health professionals. Don't waste your time seeking aknowledgement or suppport from these people. They have decided they know everything about autism, and if you're not obviously struggling with high support needs (level 2 or 3) they'll dismiss your autism identity.
The only people truly qualified to "understand" autism and the autistic expereince are autistic people. Autistic people who are aware of their autism, or who susepect it, and who have done the intensive research it takes to understand the complex and various ways autism presents outwardly and impacts us inwardly.
There's a reason nuerotypical people at Autism Speaks use a puzzle piece to symbolize us. Yes, it's offensive, but it reflects the bewilderment and ignorance and insensitivity of nuerotypical people trying to understand us. I was a high masking undiagnosed autistic person for 57 years before I was correctly identified and diagnosed as autistic. It's been a rollercoaster ride, that's ultimately been good, but never easy.
Some people are simply not ready or able to recieve such a life changing revelation about themselves. Your father might someday come to the realization that he's autistic, or he might not. All you can do is support him is he does, while insisting that if he wants to have a good relationship with you and your family, he has to accept and suppport your identity and needs as an autistic person
Good luck
This is one of my favorite comments on this video. Thank you.
Ur so valid!
TY!
10:00 - This "overdiagnosis" thing is such a typical response from people. Autism is worefully UNDERDIAGNOSED. I like to point out that less than 1:1000 people over the age of 70 have formal autism diagnosis, yet the current statistic for the general population is 1:40. Even that number is an gross underestimat in my opinin, because there's no routine screening process for autism that's been used to validate the 1:40 number. As far as "doing harm" I'd respond that there's a much greater risk of harm to your son if he's autistic and remains undiagnosed, because he won't recieve the support he needs. The risk of misdiagnosis is very low. The criteria for autism are very clear, and if anything, overly narrow. Far more children and adults go undiagnosed or incorrectly diagnosed with mental health disorders that are a product of underlying autistic nuerology. This often leads to medication and psychotheraputic behavioral interventions that attempt to normalize behavior rather than support the underlying autism driving the child or adult's difficulties. It doesn't work, and cause great harm.
Ask your father what sort of harms would be caused to a nuerotypical child diagnosed and supported as autistic vs an autistic child misdiagnosed as nuerotypical and not supported as autistic!
I've found that this technique of inverting nuerotypical and autistic roles is incredibly effective at getting through to even the most stubborn people, like who support ABA thereaphy to normalize the behavior of autistic children so the fit in better with nuerotypical peers:
"Imagine taking a nuerotypical child and forcing them to behave like they are autistic."
When a look of shock and horror crosses their face and they go silent, you'll no longer have to explain why attempting to "fix" autistic people is abusive. Same thing applies to any sort of argument involving NTs vs autistic treatment or diagnosis or accomodation. Cut through the Gordian knot of the Double Empathy problem using argument by inversion.
Put them in our shoes.
I love "there's a much greater risk of harm to your son if he's autistic and remains undiagnosed, because he won't recieve the support he needs." TRUTH!
THIS IS GOLD: "Ask your father what sort of harms would be caused to a nuerotypical child diagnosed and supported as autistic vs an autistic child misdiagnosed as nuerotypical and not supported as autistic!"
My mind is blown. 🤯 I'll use it.
Thanks for this detailed answer! 💐
I have a question. How do you know your autistic ? What made you think that you might have that diagnosis. Where you delayed as a child?
There’s a whole list of markers from my childhood and teenage years I’m planning to make a video on it going through all of them. Moreover I’ve been acting more autistic since I’ve had kids and moved to a new country which can also happen - a new season of life can make all the masking and coping strategies crumble and an underlying neurodivergent condition can become impossible to hide any longer. That has been true in my case.
Your son may have PDA. Thank you for your channel!!
I think so too!
40? I thought you were about my age like 28
haha... thanks. I get that so often. Sometimes I feel like my ADHD made me kind of not grow up. And it reflected on my appearance as well. Just a random thought bubble. Are there other ADHDers who look a lot younger than they are? Like Jessica from @howtoADHD for example?
I subscribed
Thanks so much 🌻
Did anyone else ?? @ 12:14 when she said 'these socks are no good'. Another clue.
mm hmm.
@@NeurodivergentMom I have a subscription for socks myself .
@@registromalplena2514 I didn’t know they have socks subscriptions 😮
For me I feel being autistic doesn't really change anything, I mean yes it explains a lot but it is not a solution. It's kind of a curse.
For me autism is not the solution per se but rather the awareness that “ah so this is what it is why I felt like something was wrong with me and I was unlovable” all my life which is closer to the solution. Not the autism rather the awareness.. Now I can try to love the way that god made me with a bit more understanding and a bit less resistance and self hatred. Not completely there yet obviously, It’s a process.
no one believed me either.
Sorry to hear that. It’s their own resistance to seeing divergence in themselves.
Autistic people from an older generation might be the worse allies sometimes. I sometimes think we're all just older versions of who we were at age 12 and in this case, your dad's 12 year old self was reacting to you.
Some other commenters have also said something similar. Undiagnosed autistic adults are often the most closed minded and intolerant of autistic kids (and sometimes adults). I agree that my dad's inner child was reacting to me... that's usually the case in me as well when I overreact to my kids. It's a kid version of me that's hurt about something and I flip back into the past. I talk about that in this video czcams.com/video/qNmY3YvkCy4/video.htmlsi=c5W5gpXXHEBUciOe
his brain blocks it and he doesnt feel ready yet. on his own time
I know that now... It's already a bit better between my dad and me. I'm reaching out and trying to build the bridge again.
@@NeurodivergentMom sometimes we need to just love our dad exactly where he's at, master our EQ and hold back our IQ.
@@jeremykelly7134 I couldn't have said it better :)
40!!? nah
Yeah man. No joke 😂
Are you self-diagnosed? Multiple episodes of depression, multiple career changes can go with other disorders.
Yes self diagnosed. I’ve been through other psychological assessments in my 20s and bipolar was not diagnosed. Clinical depression and severe anemia was though.
@@NeurodivergentMomuntreated anemia can result in depression. Also vitamin D deficiency
🚗
LLLLL
God loves ❤ you !!!
♥️
Of course ! Sure it's not trans???
I'm not trans. My sibling is... and I support them.
You are not autistic at all.
Autism comes in many forms can’t look at everyone an know they have autism. Also, it can look different in women.
Okay Arnold 🙄
Are you the psychiatrist who did the assessment with her? No?
@@NormyTres ❤
Are you gonna elaborate on that or just leave this kind of statement with no context? Also there’s no way for you to definitely know from merely a video.
Awesome channel and information. New subscriber here.
Awesome, thank you!