How avoidant men (secretly) communicate differently from everyone else (and how to speak to them!)
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- čas přidán 2. 08. 2024
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You look great Adam, you look younger, your beard looks good too 😁
Best way to love an avoidant (I am one) is to thank him for wanting to make sure there’s a roof over your head, food on the table, money in the coffers and help him to not deplete resources… as you wrap your arms around him and love on him. Another thing is to stand on a chair and hug him. Take a couple deep breaths so he feels your chest expand and contract. This will tell him that you feel safe and loved. Don’t need to say a word. Your body will tell him all he needs to know innately. As a man, we are usually the taller one and we never get to put our head on someone else’s chest. We are always the chest for your head. Sounds weird.. but it absolutely works. Could even just stand on the bottom step and hug him. It forces us into a loving submissive position, which is what we need most from our partners. To feel safe and to feel that you feel safe. I promise you, he’ll melt like ice. Also, don’t expect anything in return when you do this. This is you being there for him as his woman.. tell him that you appreciate him. This goes a long way. He will bring you all the “shells” in the world, I promise you.
Now.. don’t use this as a manipulation tactic, or he’ll know and will turn around and walk away in true avoidant fashion.
Are you an avoidant, no-man's-land?
Thank you 💖
This actually makes a lot of sense. My avoidant guy loved him when I read bed time reading to him he would fall asleep like a baby. I always felt so weird like a role reversal
Thank you for this
Thank you
I'm married to an avoidant. He grew up with a physically unavailable father (always working) and an emotionally immature mother. He was also bullied in school K-12, with his parents' full knowledge, and they couldn't care less. I understand why my husband is avoidant, but it's hard when he views me and the kids as his parents and/or bullies. On those days I would rather be a single parent than married to someone who either runs and hides or shouts and screams and destroys the house just to regulate himself.
I got away from a man like that, when our kids were little. Trust me, being a single mom was far better than living with his nonsense.
Destroys the house? I'm sorry you have to deal with that, that's terrifying and upsetting.
That’s beyond avoidant and getting towards abusive.
I just want to also mention that this style is really prevalent in Eastern Europe, where emotions were irrelevant to survival and people mastered stoicism. I say this, as my man is E. European. When you mentioned the post apocalyptic world they're raised in and how they don't recognise how the rest of the world lives, my jaw dropped. He's in survival mode, works compuksively every day and he didn't even realised other people relax at weekends, he thought 'some women do'!!
The post apocalyptic bit resonated with me as well, being Eastern European descent on one side of my family and a descendant of slaves on the other. My grandpa survived being captured by the Nazis and my great great grandpa was an escaped slave. I have no doubt that my Eastern European grandpa was DA, and I’m pretty sure my mom as a result is fearful avoidant leaning dismissive, as am I, except I’m FA leaning anxious. Of course, my ex is a DA, and I absolutely have observed their inability to relax, even while at home, although they do relax somewhat at home compared to when we are out and about. When in a crowd, they are in super survival mode and get overwhelmed easily. I have no doubt that their nervous system is fighting the zombie apocalypse whenever we are in a crowd.
@@gogohappygirl Interesting comments about inability to relax at home and feeling overwhelmed outside. My man rushes out from home and doesn't allow himself the luxury of time and relaxation, while attributing the outside part of your comments to his introversion.
@@DM-wv6to, interestingly, both my DA ex & are introverts, but I think that’s only part of the puzzle. I think it’s a cocktail of nature, nurture & intergenerational trauma.
@@gogohappygirl introversion often masks avoidant attachment. Brenda Knowles has a series of interesting articles on this on her website.
As an Eastern European migrant I relate
You’re THE BEST COACH ON THIS SUBJECT
talking to them seems like a SMART performance review. Now I have to say how he needs to perform, milestones, in measurable tasks; transactional tasks converts to emotional actions to the rest of us.
thank you adam, i feel like i understand my boyfriend much better how he shows his care. he has been trying to speak my language and sitting through his discomfort so much but i was blind to it and thinking him cold and uncaring. i will try better to speak his language, be more appreciative and supportive in the way that he understands. i hope its not too late.
I like how you described the difference between ethical and manipulative avoidants. Most I've interacted with are manipulative when I've put up boundaries and asked for solutions; I was put down, manipulated, or stonewalled.
Currently, the eithical avoidants in my life will have conversations, and are like you said, VERY risk adverse. I have to tread lightly and ask for very little. But when they reach out, I stay reliable and consistent. It helps keep things together, although distant.
My husband is avoidant, but the sweetest man on earth. I just don’t know how to help him understand my needs for intimacy and connection.
Avoidant men really can be so sweet and kind. Helping him understand the WHAT, WHY, and HOW OFTEN of your needs can make them measurable to him. If he sees the point and knows exactly what he's committing to, he can care for you in the best way. I did build a video course the two of you can watch together that should help with this and it includes practical exercises to do as a couple, have you checked out How To Love An Avoidant Man? adamlanesmith.com/attachment-courses/how-to-love-an-avoidant-man/
@@AttachmentAdam I have, but not totally sure how to apply it to my situation. My husband isn’t an executive type but a military man, and the risk language is so foreign to me that I’m not sure how to make it work without him thinking I’m trying to do some weird manipulative thing. Also I would love the course but we’re about to have our second child so spending money isn’t really his idea of helpful right. Ow
What do you think he needs from you?
Wives, hug your soldiers. Most of us come back and have no clue how to turn it off. Thanks @AttachmentAdam
Thank you for your service and sacrifice. My late husband came home a different man. Knowing when to hug him and when to give him space was challenging at first.
It was totally worth the time and effort it took to support and love him. He lived 18 years after his deployment, so we had 33 years of marriage before he passed.
I would give anything to have another 18 years and more with him!
Wow this really opened my eyes up about my ex that I loved dearly, but just couldn't make things work with. I never perceived him as too avoidant because he was up for the commited relationship and showed lots of romantic gestures, gifts, etc. But he never seemed to understand what "to love" truly means. The cortisol and dopamine explanation, the survival mode, for the first time helped me understand the terminology deeper.
I have loved an avoidant. He broke my heart. I still have feelings for him and I don’t know why.
Same, it's been 27 years since we dated. He was my first true love... love at first sight (for both of us- instant magnetic electric attraction) at 16 yrs old. My life changed in 1 second once we looked into eachothers eyes.
I never understood how he could be physically with me yet seem to be elsewhere. Always onto the next thing. Hot/Cold, I Love You/I Don't Know How To Love You, Be With Me/Not Right Now, I Can Do This/I Don't Know What I'm Doing, I Can't Live With Or Without You (Yes, Just like the popular song by U2)... that makes me wonder is the lead singer (Bono) an avoidant? Maybe Bono didn't write the song? 🤔
I am still friends with my ex of 27 years. I love him yet am not in love with him.
He continues to say, "If you're ever single I'd hope you'd consider giving us a 2nd chance" 😢💔 I have been honest yet calm and kind in my responses; almost motherly to him. I never want to hurt him. He just turned 46, I am 43. I miss him terribly; but it's just not in the cards for us and that's ok. I am not single nor would I ever hurt my partner of 18 years. I am in love with my partner. It's a lifetime love and I would never jeopardize our loyalty, trust, and honesty with one another. He is aware of my ex and knows the entire story. It also helps that my ex lives very far away... states away. I keep it distant yet cordial. They have met, by chance, totally random incident when we were back in my hometown on holiday. They were nice to one another and my love is very understanding and kind towards my lingering feelings of love, care, empathy and kindness towards him. ❤
Pov: ur watchin for ur avoidant but then realize that although ur anxious leaning ur still very avoidant n these tips will help u greatly in ur life 👁👄👁
Yep….I’m BUSTED!!! 😂😂😂 (just figured this out 5 min ago…I have a “risk assessor “ inside of me too!)
That means you're Fearful-Avoidant
@@RitaP41 thx for clearing this up for me Rita… just one more thing I’ve gotta contend with! No wonder me & my DA didn’t stand a chance in hell, no matter how much we loved ripping one another’s clothes off!! 😩🤣🤦🏻♀️❤️🙏🏼
@@RitaP41 yuppp I knoo. But I wouldn't have realized this if I never met/fell for my DA/FA so yay? loool
You look fine.
Men are taught to avoid their true feelings. I really, really tried - and yes, there were so many misunderstandings. He told me I was crazy, and said "dumb shit" all the time, and he was sitting there refusing to look at the part he played in anything, and refused to face his feelings. I almost died in that relationship. I would've died if i didn't leave.
It's so infuriating that this is a thing. Thank you for trying to help.
I am NOT currently involved with the an Avoidant man but in the past when I was younger I was, so I can spot them now, and when I do I run the other way. I only date secure men now and it’s like night and day. Love and affection without problems, it’s so amazing. I suggest to women and men, AVOID ALL AVOIDANT partners. It’s not worth it. Grow secure in yourself (as I did) and then you will never be attracted to them again. They cause too many problems and being with them is stressful. You don’t have peace of mind with them.
yes! and the one word answers. This is amazing I thought that I was all alone in dealing with this. My boyfriend who is a high level COO of a major company, high level performer, and exactly what you are talking about. Exactly. Brilliant, but when I talk about feelings he is perplexed.
Please consider going through my new course together. It will really help! adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love-an-avoidant-man/ you can learn all about it here.
Even if you dont for now, happy to have you here on the channel enjoying the content!
My husband of 27 years I believe is a FA and he discarded me about a year ago for a counterfeit relationship. I wish I would’ve known this information throughout our marriage because we really did love each other we just could not connect or understand each other. Your videos are the only ones giving information that leaves me feeling hopeful instead of despairing
I'm sorry to hear about what you've been through. It's never too late to learn and grow from our experiences, even if they are painful.
Which videos or content has been the most helpful or hopeful for you so far?
u are spot on. my DA checks on his business a million times a day like cameras and everything. I tried having a convo with him today about our relationship and needs and it was a very tough convo :(
The "seashells" explanation was a light bulb moment for me. Thank you for your unique ways to explain different perspectives. 🎉😊
Sir, you look completely different and look very young
Maybe it’s becoz of the saving😂
He looks handsome always
He is Avoidant and Dismissive of my emotions and any feelings that I may express. He shuts me down when I have feelings that he feels “responsible for “. Even when I tell him that a lot of my feelings have nothing to do with HIM! When I talk to him , he shuts out every single Attempt to discuss my feelings. He doesn’t like anything emotion related.
You look great without your beard
Looking good Adam. Thanks for changing lives. You are leaving an incredible and remarkable legacy
He’s FA and I seem to be turning into more disorganized attachment. The level of trauma I’ve gone through just dealing with this relationship has changed me long term. I’ve detached from much of the insanity.
I received my Bachelors in Psychology in 2010....they never covered attachment styles or trauma other than physical, mental or sexual. Verbal abuse or spiritual was NEVER approached. Cant very well say that the repeated verbal threat of hell and punishment is a means to control and is abusive. 🤦🏽♀️ This is priceless information ❤ thank u thank u ❤
Lol 😂😂😂😂great livestream!
In healing disorganized, I notice I don't fear being controlled or being under someone's authority/power, I fear being harmed or neglected by that person's lack of proactivity, self policing and discipline. I've healed the anxious side, now to disengage this avoidant barrier.
Your 'What, Why and How Often' method is GOLD! You have helped me discover how to practically communicate on a much deeper level. Thank you so much!
😂😂😂
The avoidant side / phase is difficult in that there is wanting to trust and feel like you could take a risk but it's the LAST thing that seems like it makes sense to do.
@@nakitanash Right? It's the look out for impending doom and it's so tiring.
We can change though and the benefits of changing are so worth it!
I'm so over avoidance that I'm going all in to trusting (the right people). I'm deeply rewriting my new beliefs for new experiences...and I'm already feeling waayyy more relaxed
@@romisana
Wonderful
I was mostly secure, went anxious after years with my avoidant, and have bounced into temporary avoidance while going through coaching but will find my balance soon.
One thing that is amazing is the changes that occur in others when we make lasting and real changes within.
Learning, then doing, then experiencing, then KNOWING, then feeling... then healing
@@nakitanash Yes, true. Wow, what process you've been through. Congrats on your progress! May you find the deep, lasting wholeness and fulfillment you seek ✨
Is that you Adam?❤😂 You're the cutest. My avoidant has started peaking about. Yay! Am taking it real casual and slow.
Love the clean shave! Thanks again for the avoidant man content
Almost all of my friends are talking bad about him because he is not fighting for our relationship like a regular man,but I know him better..I know he is not a bad person.I know he is hurting now, and he doesn't know how to act right. He shows me love like avoidant do ,even more..I had so much attention,time and protection..And then out of sudden he just got scared and ghosted after three years.But no matter what here I am looking your videos trying to fully understand him. I know that's true love, I left him at peace now,let him do what he needs to do.Trying to go with my life but still hoping maybe one day we will meet again and then maybe we would understand each other better.
this channel is amazing. I’m amazed how deep you’ve gone.
Yes, the 'Why'
Came across your channel today and for the first time I can actually grasp avoindant attachment
Thank you for backing up what many others gloss over. The deep 'Why', not about childhood or trauma but the actual chemistry of the brain. I get it now.
By the way, I really appreciate your language and humour.
I was like “who is this man” and then I realised you’ve shaved your beard 🤣
I just found your channel. Great information. I’ve known I’ve been an avoidant for years and have done a ton of therapy to get better but it is definitely tough. I’ve never heard anyone explain it as well. Thank you!! 😊
The thing that works is coaching on how to change your behaviors with the person you're in a relationship with because that's when the healing experiences come and that's what really truly changes you. It's like a true change of heart. Have you had that experience? Or only worked alone with a therapist?
@@nakitanash I have learned to be much more open and vulnerable when I’m dating a guy. I’ve played a lot of basketball and soccer and I coach, so my therapist worked with me and was very good at telling me it’s like practicing a sport daily. So I’m extremely disciplined in paying attention to my behaviors and using the tools to work through it when I can feel myself pushing people away. I’m also incredibly good at reading people. Which all stems from the abuse I went through in my childhood, teens and even adulthood. I am much healthier than I used to be. 🙂Thank you for your response.
True intamacy and deep love bond can be very intense and overwhelming to the avoidant person... you helped me to better understand the perspective of an avoidant who has not had much love or intamacy in their life.
That's amazing that your content helped the camera crew. You sound so happy about it for good reason :)))
Brilliant, so useful (and v funny...the seashells...could you just pet my hair for a few days...spot on!) This was absolute gold.
@14:35 🤯. Thank you for this! I’m FA with a DA and this explains _so much!_
What if they leave and walk away when conflict arises, or they stomp you in the ground and then leave and then come back like nothing happened. With no solution, no accountability and no sorry. They literally go back to like it never even happened and expect you to do also and if you don’t, then it repeats.
IF he stomped you into the ground, why aren’t you calling the police and getting a restraining order, instead of exaggerating (probably what your man thinks) your story here.
Your comment is a very accurate description of common behavior and can be very painful to be on the receiving end of.
Then u become a statistic just to “keep a man” or u wise up to some dignity and respect for yourself and leave
They do that. Run away then come back like nothing happened
Adam I LOVE YOUR TEACHING!! I WILL TELL YOU MY STORY AS IT DEVELOPS.....ITS A DOOZY CUZ YOU ARE EMPOWERING ME TO SEEK A REUNITING OF MY EX HUSBAND WHOM I HAVENT SEEN OR SPOKEN TO IN 40 YEARS.....UNTIL LAST MARCH THE 14TH......SO IF THIS WORKS YOU AN MAKE A MOVIE OUT OF MY LIFE!!!!❤
This is great! Thank you. Really appreciate the discussion of oxytocin/vasopressin. Loved "...like talking with a drunk". Just a thought, don't men communicate feelings through actions. Appreciate the actions, the guy will feel heard and appreciated
Depends on his love language. Action, like doing stuff for your loved one or giving presents, are 2 of 5 love languages.
@@oreas1372 o my gosh! Great, gotta look into that, yhanks
Once again awesome with the analogies! Shell yeah!
Can you expand a bit please on the anxious mother and her effects? . He has mentioned this.
I love the “how to love an avoidant man” course but I need the how to get your avoidant man back after making so many mistakes to push him further away over a year after he broke up with you…
Amen!! I'm still with mine physically but it's almost like we're not together if that makes sense. So how do you get him to see how much you do love him and will never hurt him again. Help us please someone?
@@Mishellionare I feel like the only way that possibly works is a breakup/ no contact, and its not guaranteed to work.
In my opinion its kind of the ultimate test to see if it changes their feelings towards you for the better or worse.
If they are willing u can try to book counciling with Adam, but if he is not valuing you and your relationship then he probably won’t want to do this work
Why even bother.
Adam... alot of what youve shared makes sense. But im happy you clarified in this video the difference with fearful or anxious avoidant. I believe that's my man. Does the course not apply then?
Also if so could you do some videos on this? Im sure it would help many others. Thank you!
As always Adam you are amazing and have explained so much that helps me to understand him ! He actually even says to me sometimes " are you drunk ? " when I talk to him and I ve been drinking only fruit juice !!!!!! Now I understand that.
lol I have been accused of drinking red wine 😅
Extraordinary lightbulb moment! You popped up at the perfect moment. Godly moment. Ty so much.
Perfect! I'm thrilled to hear that!!
Oh Adam, I’m a Fearful Avoidant currently leaning very much into my anxious side because I’m in love with and tortured emotionally by the Dismissive Avoidant (appears to be severely avoidant) in my life who breadcrumbs, and does the whole hot and cold loop.
Tourtured and inlove in the same comment? Yeah that's not fun..I'll never fell that again and I have my issues to work out as we all do.
Every time I learn I watch you something new and deeper about avoiders and the attachment theory. I love what you explain so simple and real. The shell Analogy was so great.
Blessings to you Adam . Thank you for opening our eyes and changing society. May you be blessed and prosperous 🙏🏻
Thank you so much for your kind words and blessings! I'm glad to hear that the content resonates with you and helps you understand more about attachment theory. What has been the most impactful insight you've gained so far?
How about if you're kind of avoiding with most people in your life besides your avoidant partner?
You look great Adam!
your are amazing!! omg wow I‘ve learned so much❤
Thank you so much! I'm so glad!❤
13:00 made me cry. wow.
Now, if only the people who made me like this were receptive to this information. I live in a household of people whose behaviors and social beliefs/behaviors are not conducive to correcting these flaws.
Oh well shoot. I came here to learn more about how to communicate with my avoidant loved one only to realize that you have described me with complete accuracy. Avoidant x Avoidant. Are we doomed?
I just came across your podcaste. A single man who for past 4 months has been greatly putting himself out to help me on a renovation project. He has just the right skills and enjoys the whole project too. We work together well with me as offsider. We have deep heartfelt chats at end of a day. We also plan project together. Im bonding a lot but he says just want to be friends. He acts like he really cares about me, so now Im thinking if he is not interested I need to back out of the ongoing project to protect my heart. He says he just wants to help and didnt mean to lead me on. He had his mother die when he was young and a harsh father and stepmother. Left home as a young teenager but got abused by a man! He's had 2 unsuccessful marriages..I've seen how he's been very helpful and honourable helping another woman at our church Ive noticed how he is helped people who were not worthy of him. Took advantage of his kindness. He has no guile but I cant say that of tbe women in his past. On listening to your video I recognised that he is highly stressed especially about bonding with a women. Im what some would call a high value woman, in actuality I'm just a caring and steadfast person. Wondering if I could do your course to see if it would be a ray of hope in the situation.
Ahhhhhhh I am anxious, and this is taking EVERY OUNCE OF MY CONSCIOUSNESS to not want to just run downstairs to him and be like watch this watch this! I want to help!.... I am sitting here like have you been saying on our entire relationship? You haven't said 1 thing this entire video so far (I'm @ 19:06) that is not spot on over our life together. Ahhh I can't wait to heal my anxious so I can bring these to him (in the way he can recieve) I'm so happy I found you I feel very confident that we're going to get to our connection goals with you.
I think it's great that you have self-control and are using the resources in the wisest way you know how and taking your time. I think you're absolutely right about healing your anxious attachment first so that you can be as effective as possible in this situation now that you're armed with this knowledge. Once you behave differently you'll have different experiences that will strengthen you even more and it may very well positively affect your partners behavior. That is absolutely the first step because there's nothing to lose and it is guaranteed progress. When that part is done, hopefully your partner can jump on board with you to do his part. The goal is to have healing experiences together by behaving different differently, experiencing something better than in the past, and then replacing the old set of beliefs and expectations and behavior with the new reality you're creating together.it's a true change of heart type healing. Good luck to everyone!
This is great. I still need the hack on fearful avoidants as they operate a little differently.
adamlanesmith.com/attachment-courses/how-to-love-an-avoidant-man/ you should check out the new course I just released, it will provide you with a lot of information on exactly that.
Very helpful video Adam, Thankyou
Absolutely. Happy to help!
this is my first time watching one of your videos. I am learning a lot so I subscribed. Out of curiosity, I looked at one of your videos where you have a beard. So if you’re keeping tally… I like the beard better.
I feel like a baby that has seen their dad clean shaven for the first time. WHO IS THIS MAN?! lmao 🤣 thank you for the seashell analogy. Id never geard it before but it makes total sense. Also the apocalyptic mindset checks out too. My DA loves fallout and other zombie/apocalyptic games. Its also interesting because when im upset over something (not necessarily about him) he'll listen and let me talk or cry it out, sometimes he'll try and give me advice to make things better. Otherwise the best thing he knows to help is to make me laugh or smile. He doesnt know how to comfort but he knows how to get me out of that mood. Also i love the "what? Why? And how often?". Its simple and to the point. Ill have to use that and see how it goes
Omg please do some videos on Disorganized / Fearful Avoidant Attachment and oxytocin ambivalence! It would be so illuminating.
You look fantastic without the beard ! 👌 I would recommend stay like this it really suits you 😊😍
I’m out of an abusive relationship for a year, working on healing…
I believe I am anxious avoidant… it’s kind of the worst of both worlds…
My parents were both pretty emotionally unavailable…
I’ve had a lifetime of dysfunctional relationships I jumped into because of the fear of being perpetually alone… the avoidant side, though I taught myself to be affectionate, I don’t feel like I connected emotionally…
I’m trying to think things through before I start dating or trying to meet people again, so I don’t just repeat the same patterns…
This channel has some very interesting topics, based on clinical insights, compared to a lot of other therapeutic CZcams channels…
Staying tuned…
Yep, stiff 😂 i usually say to him I feel like I’m hugging a wall of bricks 😂😂😂 he doesn’t get it when I say a hug has to come from both people to be a hug 😂
I know what you mean. When I hug my DA ex, I feel I’m doing more of the squishy hug side of things. I wish my DA could relax enough to relax into the hug. I do find I get a slightly higher quality hug if I remind my ex to give me a big squishy hug.
@@gogohappygirl squishy hug! I like that, I’ll give mine a hint 😂 same for the kiss, I like the squishy kiss, he’s starting to understand that. Otherwise I have the « i’m worried you might bite my lips off if I don’t pull my lips in » kiss 😂
@@JenMaunier, good luck with the kiss! With both of us having an avoidant side, we never did quite perfect that part of things! 🤣
@@gogohappygirl of course, having just one avoidant in the couple is not enough of a challenge 😂
@@gogohappygirl hey, just to let you know: thanks to you I realised the squishy kiss is a sign his feeling fine and the survival mode one is a sign I should leave him space even though he’s making the effort to come and kiss me 😀 thank youuuu😋
Oh man, you had me cracking up 20 minutes in "it's a seashell!!!" You need to make t-shirts for that. I'm not sure how, but that needs to be the new thing.
Agreed 🎉❤
I like the shave by the way❤
How to know when you know you need to give up with your avoidant
Oh my goodness Adam! Your beard!!!
My avoidant is ghosting me
We are both avoidant- he is dismissive and i am an anxious avoidant. I didn't even understand myself until i started listening to your videos. We are both very committed to each other and have had some horrific conflicts but feel that if we give up on each other, we will never be happy with any one. We have come so far but there are still issues we struggle with and this is one of them. We hear words differently. I think I'm saying something very clearly and all he hears is negativity. Like he can't hear positivity. He thinks he is explaining something to me clearly and all i hear is that I'm not good enough and i should just leave. I have learned that it's okay to give him space to think. It usually takes a day and he will come back and apologize (something he has worked on). All relationships take work. We decided that we want this relationship to work. We have both caused grief for each other. We can accept that neither one of us is perfect and never will be. But we honestly care deeply for each other and don't want to give up. The good far outweighs the bad. I don't think we will ever completely lose our irrational fears but we can learn how to keep them under control and stop using them to beat each other up. Thank you for your generosity in sharing this information. BTW- I prefer the clean shave 😉
They say that a fearful avoidant attachment is the worst to have but i kind of think that is not true. Fearful avoidants typically understand the language of feelings. Even avoidant-leaning FA's as feelings are what cause them to avoid. They just need to learn to regulate better and challenge themselves to feel safe in intimate relationships. This seems much easier than trying to operate in relationships without understanding the language of relationships.
He is taking secrecy to the max by ghosting Me 😔 shitty act on His part
My good shaved sir I could kiss you for this video 😚😚 thank you for being so empathetic in your work
So very nice you have Strategies for how to live your life WALKING ON EGG SHELLS because that is what Living with an AVOIDANT is like.
Can you please give the different type of avoidant i know my partner is avoidant but i am trying to figure out what type he is. Thank you for all the information❤
And I'm anxious
You look so good without the beard! Really handsome!
Wow, thank you!
Thank you once again. Am thinking, how about you do a video dipicting an avoidant man and secure or anxious partner doing what you say n how it would play out. Am just curious, am thinking maybe it would easier to remember. 😅
Blessings ❤
Great suggestion! I'm actually launching a retreat soon where there will be role-playing and other activities to instill attachment theory. Would you be interested in that?
How many avoidant people have the acts of service love language? This video speaks more to me than most of yours have so far. Many of the others seemed to border on the edge between avoidant and disorganized. The attachment test I took has me in the avoidant category, just over the line from secure attachment. My wife is on the anxious side of disorganized
It seems like a lot of work. But I understand what you are saying because I see it in my sp.
24:45 Yep, no flowers allowed anymore
she sells seashells by the seashore... 😔
How do I work out if my avoidance is dismissive or fearful? I can't tell yet!😅
At 46 years of age, he's had a lot of time to play a role he doesn't really understand?
Your beard is gone!
You look great…with or without it!
Are these dynamics also true for fearfull avoidants (plus everything else that’s going on for them) or exclusively for dismissive avoidants? Thank you.
Can you please make a video of how to love an anxious attachment?
Hi Adam! I love your voice and your content is interesting can you please make short videos? Like less than 8 minutes? Your videos are way too long! Am I anxious or am I into the wrong guy?
I like the long videos keep up the great work❤
But if they don't talk to you, what should you do? How can you make the relationship work or should you just or do you think like communication is asking too much ?
Please make a video about severe DA. Stonewalling, ghosting…
Yes, please is this a redeemable situation like if they're barely talk to you when you're on good terms and then they obviously shut down. Go to deactivate stonewall don't apologize. Don't make any healing efforts. Don't come back to talk about the problem. I feel like I'm walking on even when I.
Is there anything with this explanation quality but geared towards career professions? This isn't just a person who just exists this way but serves many hours under this mentality for a living.
Please consider going through my new course together. It will really help! adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love-an-avoidant-man/ you can learn all about it here.
Even if you just enjoy the free content here on the channel I am happy to have you here and glad you are enjoying the videos!
When you mentioned the anxious mother 38.37 😅
I’m a fearful avoidant with a dissmissive avoidant
Can you create a course on how to love a fearful avodidnant man?
The course I've just released can actually help you with that. Feel free to check it on my website or through the link in my Instagram bio.
Adam makes sea shells sound so dirty haha😂
When i was younger, teenage-early 20'z i secretly had trouble understanding why my boys all of a sudden cared😂like why do these guyz got a heart, fkn weak😂they talk soft they must be soft🤦🏾man...then i had kids at 27. Id like to think i began to understand since then. I think i got more heart than them now. But i watched a vid of yours (first time) and everything you said was relevant to me. Im an avoidant hands down. It was funny but the next day (today) it actually hurt. It hurts man. I live alone. Im 45. I hate sharing my feelings like a bitch. I attract women but i cant help but chase em off coz it gets invasive. Im sorry man. Im so sorry ay. I just want to be loved man. Fuk. It hurts.
It is like that for me too, it became all better when I stumbled into these videos less than a month ago. At least I now know what's going on. I'm turning 46 (female) in a month's time and have an adult son I can't even rely on him and he's an angel. I'm so relieved to know I'm not the only one and that there's help out there.
I think you may have just fixed my life, I can never repay you enough. Please stay around
I check mine everyday also but I’m
Also super into my feelings
They really really have to want it. I am his peace and he has said that to others however…
Why does my ex refuse to take accountability for his behavior and change it. Can you do a video on coparenting. That would be amazing.
I just subscribed to your channel and I tried to comment three times on other videos but they haven’t gone through
Im sure its youtubes new way of affecting the interactive viewers experience. I know that sounds "conspiracy theory" but when I spoke about my phone listening to me 8 years ago people thought i was crazy. Now everybody knows. Ive noticed not only my own comments constantly getting lost or wiped but its in my dashboard. Ive been trying to communicate with youtube about this for a year now but they never reply. Yet they'll reply for any other problem. Theres a lot of people who mention comments not engaging. Content creators should be concerned. Because a lot of people are trying to help people but its limiting communication. This is why i think its part of a control method to slow down the world from communicating real help.
It’s because DAs have a defective wound, meaning they feel defective, so they easily take things as criticism when you tell them what you need. The key is to find a way to say it in such a way that avoids their core wound of feeling defective. Rather than say you never support me with the kids, you could say something like I could use some support, such as you picking the kids up from school once a week, or something like that. Or if they’re already doing something like that but you’d like to see more of it, tell them you appreciate their support of picking up the kids. DAs respond well to positive reinforcement and being appreciated.
@@gogohappygirl thank you for responding. I have tried to let me know what i would appreciate. He only comes in for 3-4 days a month ( out of state) and he is on his phone a lot. It’s as though he’s anxious and doesn’t know what to do. So over 5 years I basically do everything. I stopped showing my anger a while ago ( resentment) bc I didn’t want my daughter to feel the negative energy and I don’t want that to affect her relationship and her feelings for him. I support him coming and staying in my home ANYTIME!
I feel as though my biggest problem is he is hot and cold. He can be very unpredictable. I have come to him so many times asking him to help me understand why he is so distant and angry and then he will be cool as hell for a week and no issues. I feel it could be related to the fact that our relationship/ divorce was final and we were still together and I got pregnant. He is VERY HAPPY ABOUT THAT. We both are.
I just want him to be as consistent, open and honest with me about what is going on so I don’t have to mind read. Feeling uncomfortable in my own home is a deal breaker and I’ve set boundaries for how he treats me and it’s bc he seems anxious and lazy so when I let him know he is crossing a boundary , he will completely ignore, avoid, dismiss and then disappear WITHOUT RESOLUTION OR AN ATTEMPT to make an effort to coparent with the same goals and do what’s best for our child and each other. We help each other out with so many big things so I can’t understand why after 13 years, he can’t help me understand him, answer my questions or even acknowledge that I said or asked him to meet me in the middle and try to learn how we can be better friends and coparent together. Verses him coming after no contact or no communication regarding my request to talk about coparenting. He acts completely normal and nice. Good morning!!! Sends me stuff???
He’s the most confusing person. Why would anyone want to continue this when o am the most vulnerable, open, trustworthy, forgiving ( virtuous person- he has always said) person he has ever met. Even his family love me. HE will be here in a week and he said some hurtful things about me to me, SO I ASKED HIM HOW CAN WE RESOLVE this and he HAD THE NERVE TO TELL ME “ just don’t be mean “. What does that even mean.
Coming back to your comment girl exactly right about the criticism things. He will be so quick to lose it if he feels criticize door tag, but yet he a certain to dish it out on me tenfold . Thank you so much for your insight and any other feedback!
How can my husband and his sister both say since they had a good childhood, there is nothing wrong with their parents, and yet be avoided adults? I mean how can they not be aware that their needs weren't ment?
Because they’ve learned to avoid their feelings as a survival mechanism. They’ve literally blocked out that part of their childhood. Many don’t even realize that they were neglected because that’s all they ever knew.
@@gogohappygirl this. I’m an anxious avoidant and I definitely blocked out having my feelings/emotional needs met. And that’s why it’s hard for me to connect deeply in my relationships. I want to but idk how to recognize when those parameters are fully met. It’s like a turtle hiding in his shell- he just doesn’t know when to come out again.