They only see what you allow them to see, not the real you that may have 1 or more of the issues below: anger or a control issue, one who may be lazy, insecure, a big spender, pretentious, disrespectful, bossy, arrogant, weak, demanding, nagging, etc issues.
This is true, I watched my x go through each of these stages with his employee. We divorced, they married. Connection and being in a relationship is a choice. Wherever you place your focus and attention, your connection will be.
And when your spouse does this and you show concern - they start to say you are jealous & insecure & controlling Big pain in intimacy and you stop trusting them the same It’s horrible
Cheating is a symptom of a relationship that has many problems. If your Needs are not being met, that’s a HUGE problem - not some minor inconvenience. Only blaming the cheater is like shooting the messenger. It’s the news that they don’t want to hear because it’s too painful to bear. We need to get to the root cause of the problem and this video didn’t address them. Often, one will go to their partner and express their dissatisfaction, yet nothing happens. What’s the person to do then?? Usually, the options are cheat or get divorced. Not great choices. Our goal in life isn’t to just survive in a relationship, but rather to be happy. Life is more complicated that this video presents.
Yes, there is much more that can be said on the topic of infidelity beyond this 10 minute video. The climate in a relationship that makes one or both partners tempted to cheat is often both partner’s fault but the decision to cheat is the wayward partner’s fault because it’s a choice. If someone is unhappy, the first step is to address it, if that falls on deaf ears, the next step is seeing a couples therapist, if that falls on deaf ears the next steps is get a separation to serve as a wake up call.
@@drwyattfisher Fair points. However, those steps are usually too late. The issue in our society is that we don’t ‘train’ people on how to navigate relationships. This should occur in high school and college and be mandatory since it’s so important in our lives. The ‘fall in love, live happily ever after’ model is deeply flawed. Nobody should be surprised about 50% divorce rates and misery among many of the rest under those conditions. If we trained airline pilots like this, there’d be a major crash every day. Our goal should be two-fold. First, enough training so that relationships that little chance of success are mutually ended before they start. Second, give those couples that seem to be a good match the coping skills to be able to transverse conflict. I’m retired and seen it all. I strongly believe that understanding your own Needs and your partners from the beginning and how to communicate those Needs is crucial to any chance of success. Waiting until a relationship is failing is too late. Training needs to happen before you say, “I do.”
@@americanexpat8792actually, the training (conditioning/programming) starts in childhood. The way you were raised, and how your parents modeled “relationship” is what sets the subconscious foundation, beliefs, lenses, that inform how we form relationships later. Often we are not taught skills that are imperative to healthy relating, like distress tolerance, emotional regulation, how to consider ourselves and others equally, how to sit with our emotions and use them for indicators that something is off, and how to productively use that info to show up for ourselves. We often are very poor communicators, yet think we are phenomenal at it. We don’t have good introspection and metacognition, and don’t look closely at our own biases, self protective behaviors, core wounds, cognitive distortions, etc, and often we are run by our limbic system. If we learn the neuroscience, have a healthy attachment style (can be healed later) and are as dedicated to learning relationship skills, as we are to advancing in our job/work, we would transform our relationships. Our society isn’t set up for that however. There seems to be a lot of “ideas” and desire to have better relationships, yet there is a massive disconnect between the idea and incorporating it into real life. It takes a rigorous self inventory and much change. Many people can’t/won’t do that. Shame, and other things can be massive blocks to that too. I do hope we can transform our society to prioritize the healthiest ways of relating, but much of our society is diametrically opposed to that happening!
What’s a partner to do!? Well, the answer is never to cheat. You don’t solve problems within a relationship outside your relationship. Maybe you’re not communicating your needs affectively. Maybe it’s how you say it. Did you say it without blame and criticism? Maybe you learn ways to get your partner to meet them. Read a book. Invite them to read a book. Get a coach. Go to a therapist. But to cheat is the lazy way out if you truly love and care for someone you would never do it. It’s also very selfish. The grass is only green where you water it. Relationships take work, and lots of communication. If you’re not willing to do that, or anything else separate, heal, and work on you. No one in a relationship doesn’t have some role in it. Even if 90% is on the other, own your 10%. But cheating never solved a thing.
I had a miscarriage at 16 weeks and lost my kids' godmother to suicide literally a few months later. I needed my husband so WE COULD HEAL he needed our kids best friends mom became irritated with me made me feel insecure said alot of things that made me question whether or not he still was married to me. No true intimacy physically or emotionally. Now there's the if we breakup if we divorce what killed me was him telling me he'd abandon my kids and stay in contact with the baby that's due in December and this girl all but terrorized me during my pregnancy. All of this happened with in a yr of the first time I noticed that everytime I turn around they were together at every event at school or outside of school.
Sorry to hear it. If you haven't already, discuss this pattern with him and try to find the cause. Does he have unresolved resentments so is pulling away, is he preoccupied with work stress, etc. Understanding the cause can provide insight on how to make changes.
I agree with the last three, but the first two, I think it's possible that some people could have lifelong friends or siblings/parents who understand them better than their partner and with whom they share certain things that they don't with their partner, and I don't think that necessarily indicates an emotional affair. It may be something to be cautious of, but for me it's specifically the presence of romantic feelings that defines whether an emotional affair is occuring or not.
Yes, it depends on the situation, the main thing is recognizing the more we meet alone with the opposite gender (not including family) and share vulnerable information the higher the risk someone may develop romantic feelings at some point
My husband is having an emotional affair and didn't communicate how he felt until the emotional affair got way too out of hand...now he can't choose between me and her and feels he can't cut it off because he can't control himself with her..... I've acknowledged where things went wrong with us to make him turn to her and am trying to be present and patient but he can't stop..... What do i do
Very sorry to hear it Bianca. Here's my article on affair recovery and in the first few steps I explain what to do if your partner won't cease all contact with the affair person. www.drwyattfisher.com/blogs/marriage-blog/8-steps-to-affair-recovery
@@Gotoworkkk yeah I tried to be patient for him but in the end he is choosing to end our marriage and pursue the other girl eventually. Filed for separation today
How many needs (that actually are important to your partner, not ones you think matter (that’s often very different)) of your partners are you meeting? How well are you communicating your needs? How healthy are your expectations? Do you have a sense of entitlement, or a sense of reciprocity and mutuality? Do you have a developed sense of self, mature emotional landscape, or are you more of a needy child demanding and resentful? Where did you get your view on relating? How could some of those be detrimental? Being deeply curious is a big part of exploring oneself and others, instead of acting out of a lack of self awareness.
Check out my free article here to learn more about infidelity and recovery www.drwyattfisher.com/blogs/marriage-blog/8-steps-to-affair-recovery
YOUR AFFAIR PARTNER UNDERSTANDS YOU BETTER BECAUSE THEY ARE ONLY SEEING A SMALL PART OF WHO YOU ARE……unlike your partner who gets all the good and bad
That means your affair partner would understand you less since they are only seeing a small part of you, is that what you meant?
They only see what you allow them to see, not the real you that may have 1 or more of the issues below: anger or a control issue, one who may be lazy, insecure, a big spender, pretentious, disrespectful, bossy, arrogant, weak, demanding, nagging, etc issues.
@@solagratia7998 true
This is true, I watched my x go through each of these stages with his employee. We divorced, they married. Connection and being in a relationship is a choice. Wherever you place your focus and attention, your connection will be.
That's right, sorry to hear of your betrayal!
And when your spouse does this and you show concern - they start to say you are jealous & insecure & controlling
Big pain in intimacy and you stop trusting them the same
It’s horrible
Yes, that can be horrible and it often reflects their guilt
Sounds like your spouse is a narcissist - like mine
@@ThePossumone I think they call that gaslighting.
Cheating is a symptom of a relationship that has many problems. If your Needs are not being met, that’s a HUGE problem - not some minor inconvenience. Only blaming the cheater is like shooting the messenger. It’s the news that they don’t want to hear because it’s too painful to bear. We need to get to the root cause of the problem and this video didn’t address them. Often, one will go to their partner and express their dissatisfaction, yet nothing happens. What’s the person to do then?? Usually, the options are cheat or get divorced. Not great choices. Our goal in life isn’t to just survive in a relationship, but rather to be happy. Life is more complicated that this video presents.
Yes, there is much more that can be said on the topic of infidelity beyond this 10 minute video. The climate in a relationship that makes one or both partners tempted to cheat is often both partner’s fault but the decision to cheat is the wayward partner’s fault because it’s a choice. If someone is unhappy, the first step is to address it, if that falls on deaf ears, the next step is seeing a couples therapist, if that falls on deaf ears the next steps is get a separation to serve as a wake up call.
@@drwyattfisher
Fair points. However, those steps are usually too late. The issue in our society is that we don’t ‘train’ people on how to navigate relationships. This should occur in high school and college and be mandatory since it’s so important in our lives. The ‘fall in love, live happily ever after’ model is deeply flawed. Nobody should be surprised about 50% divorce rates and misery among many of the rest under those conditions. If we trained airline pilots like this, there’d be a major crash every day. Our goal should be two-fold. First, enough training so that relationships that little chance of success are mutually ended before they start. Second, give those couples that seem to be a good match the coping skills to be able to transverse conflict.
I’m retired and seen it all. I strongly believe that understanding your own Needs and your partners from the beginning and how to communicate those Needs is crucial to any chance of success. Waiting until a relationship is failing is too late. Training needs to happen before you say, “I do.”
Absolutely, couples need to put as much time and resources into being good partners as they put into being good in their careers
@@americanexpat8792actually, the training (conditioning/programming) starts in childhood. The way you were raised, and how your parents modeled “relationship” is what sets the subconscious foundation, beliefs, lenses, that inform how we form relationships later. Often we are not taught skills that are imperative to healthy relating, like distress tolerance, emotional regulation, how to consider ourselves and others equally, how to sit with our emotions and use them for indicators that something is off, and how to productively use that info to show up for ourselves. We often are very poor communicators, yet think we are phenomenal at it. We don’t have good introspection and metacognition, and don’t look closely at our own biases, self protective behaviors, core wounds, cognitive distortions, etc, and often we are run by our limbic system.
If we learn the neuroscience, have a healthy attachment style (can be healed later) and are as dedicated to learning relationship skills, as we are to advancing in our job/work, we would transform our relationships. Our society isn’t set up for that however. There seems to be a lot of “ideas” and desire to have better relationships, yet there is a massive disconnect between the idea and incorporating it into real life. It takes a rigorous self inventory and much change. Many people can’t/won’t do that. Shame, and other things can be massive blocks to that too.
I do hope we can transform our society to prioritize the healthiest ways of relating, but much of our society is diametrically opposed to that happening!
What’s a partner to do!? Well, the answer is never to cheat. You don’t solve problems within a relationship outside your relationship. Maybe you’re not communicating your needs affectively. Maybe it’s how you say it. Did you say it without blame and criticism? Maybe you learn ways to get your partner to meet them. Read a book. Invite them to read a book. Get a coach. Go to a therapist. But to cheat is the lazy way out if you truly love and care for someone you would never do it. It’s also very selfish.
The grass is only green where you water it. Relationships take work, and lots of communication. If you’re not willing to do that, or anything else separate, heal, and work on you. No one in a relationship doesn’t have some role in it. Even if 90% is on the other, own your 10%. But cheating never solved a thing.
I had a miscarriage at 16 weeks and lost my kids' godmother to suicide literally a few months later. I needed my husband so WE COULD HEAL he needed our kids best friends mom became irritated with me made me feel insecure said alot of things that made me question whether or not he still was married to me. No true intimacy physically or emotionally. Now there's the if we breakup if we divorce what killed me was him telling me he'd abandon my kids and stay in contact with the baby that's due in December and this girl all but terrorized me during my pregnancy. All of this happened with in a yr of the first time I noticed that everytime I turn around they were together at every event at school or outside of school.
Very sorry to hear of your miscarriage, the loss of your kids' godmother, and the betrayal of trust from your partner!
My partner doesnt communicate with me aa much as he use to...i need communication and he isnt meeting my needs. 😮
Sorry to hear it. If you haven't already, discuss this pattern with him and try to find the cause. Does he have unresolved resentments so is pulling away, is he preoccupied with work stress, etc. Understanding the cause can provide insight on how to make changes.
@@drwyattfisher financial issues :(
lol nEEdSsss
I agree with the last three, but the first two, I think it's possible that some people could have lifelong friends or siblings/parents who understand them better than their partner and with whom they share certain things that they don't with their partner, and I don't think that necessarily indicates an emotional affair. It may be something to be cautious of, but for me it's specifically the presence of romantic feelings that defines whether an emotional affair is occuring or not.
Yes, it depends on the situation, the main thing is recognizing the more we meet alone with the opposite gender (not including family) and share vulnerable information the higher the risk someone may develop romantic feelings at some point
My husband is having an emotional affair and didn't communicate how he felt until the emotional affair got way too out of hand...now he can't choose between me and her and feels he can't cut it off because he can't control himself with her..... I've acknowledged where things went wrong with us to make him turn to her and am trying to be present and patient but he can't stop..... What do i do
Very sorry to hear it Bianca. Here's my article on affair recovery and in the first few steps I explain what to do if your partner won't cease all contact with the affair person. www.drwyattfisher.com/blogs/marriage-blog/8-steps-to-affair-recovery
@@drwyattfisher thank you for this
@@biancaopala99 You're welcome Bianca!
You can’t make him do anything, unfortunately… he needs to do what’s best for him.
@@Gotoworkkk yeah I tried to be patient for him but in the end he is choosing to end our marriage and pursue the other girl eventually. Filed for separation today
So now give 5 ways to fix them
Check out my playlist on affair recovery for more videos, here’s one of them czcams.com/video/qadVFCmtGsA/video.htmlsi=sogTAul3qW6m4pWV
I have zero needs being met right now lmao
You’re in the danger zone! Start meeting with a therapist with your partner right away to clear the blocks
How many needs (that actually are important to your partner, not ones you think matter (that’s often very different)) of your partners are you meeting? How well are you communicating your needs? How healthy are your expectations? Do you have a sense of entitlement, or a sense of reciprocity and mutuality?
Do you have a developed sense of self, mature emotional landscape, or are you more of a needy child demanding and resentful?
Where did you get your view on relating? How could some of those be detrimental?
Being deeply curious is a big part of exploring oneself and others, instead of acting out of a lack of self awareness.
True, those are all helpful questions to explore! @@Alphacentauri819