Toxic relationships - Secrets and Lies (Kdramas) 🅃 🅲

[@marietb]

Please read this note:
- The relationship in Be Melodramatic is not toxic!
- I'll delete any comment that tries to justify certain scenes as I judge it's too serious to write that under a video about VICTIM BLAMING that is actually showing that this kind of comment is wrong.
- Female abusers exist too (even if it's not a majority). I'll make a video about it later.
First, the technical points:
I. The names of the dramas, music, coloring and software are in the description.
II. The video is generally about Victim blaming but I wanted to explain how the abusers operate and what the effects are on the victims.
III. The video is in two parts: first, how a victim can feel trapped and second why victim blaming is always a bad thing.
IV. I have drawn a sort of parallel between sexual abuse and domestic abuse, since they are both abusive behaviors and since I have noticed that the same arguments are often used to justify one or the other. My goal here is to show that whether it is for disrespect of consent, or in conjugal violence, the victim is never to blame and that there is no excuse to be found for the aggressor.
V. By activating the subtitles, you will find numbers and titles (for example: ② “Jealousy is a proof of love” : CONTROLING THE VICTIM) that correspond to different moments in the video and that refer to the explanations that follow in the rest of this note. The goal is to give you more explanations.
VI. I also try to show how the excuses and comments often made are in line with the abusers' techniques of victim blaming. The titles of the sections (e.g. “Jealousy is a proof of love”) are preconceived notions, often used arguments.
__________________
I'm using a book called "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft, an American psychotherapist specialized in domestic violence and parental abuse. I highly recommend you to read this book for more explanation.
- “EX” : Typical sentences I saw, sometimes under my video “Toxic relationships in Kdramas”, with the intention of justifying certain abusive behaviour.
① Intro : Victim blaming and minimizing
“Abusiveness can be thought of as a recipe that involves a consistent set of ingredients: control, entitlement, disrespect, excuses, and justifications (including victim blaming)-elements that are always present, often accompanied by physical intimidation or violence.”
② “Jealousy is a proof of love” : CONTROLING THE VICTIM
“An abusive man often considers it his right to control where his partner goes, with whom she associates, what she wears, and when she needs to be back home. He therefore feels that she should be grateful for any freedoms that he does choose to grant her.”
“Abusive men are often jealous and possessive, and their coercive and destructive behaviors can escalate when their partners attempt to break up with them.”
- EX : “Jealousy is cute” “What’s wrong with that? He’s just jealous” “He’s like that because he loves her”
I recommend you to watch my previous video “Toxic relationships | Who are you (Kdramas)” on this subject. (czcams.com/video/sAqIF3HMH3Y/video.html)
③ “I feel bad for him”: THE ABUSER PLAYING THE VICTIM
“An abuser can mistreat partner after partner in relationships, each time believing that the problems are all the woman’s fault and that he is the real victim.”
“MYTH #3: ‘He’s abusive because he feels so strongly about me’. ‘People cause those they care about most deeply the most pain’” In reality : “It isn’t the love or deep affection that causes his behavior problem.”
“Some abusive men use the excuse that their behavior is a response to such victimization because they want to be able to make women responsible for men’s abuse”
- EX : “I kind of pity him, he had a tough life.” “He’s just afraid of loosing her” “He’s really sorry, he regrets it”
④ “He had reasons” : EXCUSING ABUSIVE BEHAVIOURS
“Abusive men are masters of excuse making. In this respect they are like substance abusers, who believe that everyone and everything except them is responsible for their actions. When they aren’t blaming their partners, they blame stress, alcohol, their childhood, their children, their bosses, or their insecurities.”
- EX : “It’s not his fault” “But he apologized” “It’s because he was stressed/drunk/jealous/afraid”
⑤ “It’s not that serious” : MINIMIZING THE ABUSE
“An abuser minimizes his behavior by comparing himself to men who are worse than he is, whom he thinks of as “real” abusers. If he never threatens his partner, then to him threats define real abuse. If he only threatens but never actually hits, then real abusers are those who hit.”
- EX : “What is wrong with that? He wasn’t really violent” “He just grab her hand, it’s nothing” “It’s not that big” “He did not actually hit her, it’s okay” “You’re exaggerating”
⑥ “He just loves her so much” : CONFUSING LOVE AND ABUSE
“An abusive man often tries to convince his partner that his mistreatment of her is proof of how deeply he cares, but the reality is that abuse is the opposite of love. ”
“The confusion of love with abuse is what allows abusers who kill their partners to make the absurd claim that they were driven by the depths of their loving feelings. The news media regrettably often accept the aggressors’ view of these acts, describing them as “crimes of passion.” “
- EX : “He was angry because he was afraid” “He grabbed her because he was jealous” “He did that because he loves her”
⑦ “It’s her fault too” : VICTIM BLAMING
“Abusers externalize responsibility for their actions, believing that their partners make them behave in abusive ways.”
(About the abuser)“Nothing is ever his fault. He blames something or someone for anything that goes wrong. As time goes by, the target of his blame increasingly becomes you.”
- EX : “She didn’t say no” “She made him act this way” “She shouldn’t have done that” “She should have leave” “She didn’t make it clear” “If she didn’t want to.. she should have…” “If she wouldn’t have done that, he wouldn’t have reacted this way”
⑧ “How can you stay with someone like that?” : THE ABUSER DENIES THE ABUSE
“A woman can feel that she is losing her mind-or develop actual psychiatric symptoms-if the obvious realities of her life, including abuse, are denied repeatedly by her partner. The more serious the incidents he denies, the more her grip on reality can start to slip.”
“In some ways manipulation is worse than overt abuse, especially when the two are mixed together. When a woman gets called “bitch,” or gets shoved or slapped, she at least knows what her partner did to her. But after a manipulative interaction she may have little idea what went wrong; she just knows that she feels terrible, or crazy, and that somehow it seems to be her own fault.”
- EX : “I’m blaming the woman for not leaving” “How can you accept those things?” “I’ll never be in this situation because I’m a strong person” “I don’t understand how you can be so blind.”
⑨ “It’s difficult for him too” : PITY & GUILT
“There are some signs of manipulation by abusers that you can watch for : “Getting you to feel sorry for him, so that you will be reluctant to push forward with your complaints about what he does. Getting you to blame yourself, or blame other people, for what he does.”
- EX : “He was abused as a kid, he had a hard life” “It’s not really his fault, he just needs help” “He is so much better than the other guy, he just come from a difficult family and needs some love” “He’s trying his best, she is too cruel”
_____
The rest of the video is pretty explicit because it’s about calling out those behaviours so I won’t explain them. Instead, I’ll just give you some quotes that I thought was important and interesting about our role in this :
SOCIETY AS AN ACCOMPLICE:
• “Above all, the abusive man wants to avoid having you zero in on his abusiveness itself. So he tries to fill your head up with excuses and distortions and keep you weighed down with self-doubt and self-blame. And, unfortunately, much of the society tends to follow unsuspectingly along behind him, helping him to close your eyes, and his own, to his problem.”
• “On the other hand, language from professionals that excuses or minimizes abuse, or that attributes responsibility partly to the victim-as in the case of a probation officer who says to a man: “You and your wife really need to work out your issues and stop abusing each other”-makes an important contribution to enabling the abuser.”
ROLE OF MOVIES AND SERIES :
• “But unfortunately there is wide acceptance in our society of the unhealthy notion that passion and aggression are interwoven and that cruel verbal exchanges and bomblike explosions are the price you pay for a relationship that is exciting, deep, and sexy. Popular romantic movies and soap operas sometimes reinforce this image.”
- EX : “This is fiction, it doesn’t happen in real life” “We know it’s not reality”
OUR ROLE :
• “In reality, to remain neutral is to collude with the abusive man, whether or not that is your goal. If you are aware of chronic or severe mistreatment and do not speak out against it, your silence communicates implicitly that you see nothing unacceptable taking place. Abusers interpret silence as approval, or at least as forgiveness. To abused women, meanwhile, the silence means that no one will help-just what her partner wants her to believe. Anyone who chooses to quietly look the other way therefore unwittingly becomes the abuser’s ally.”

[@jilliancoleman9670]

You are so amazing! You put so much time, thought, and effort into these videos, and research so thoroughly on the subject. I’m so excited to watch your new video, and can’t wait to see what you do next🙂🙂

[@noxdawn4949]

Ah I'm glad to know the book helped you 😃 I hope that thanks to your video more people will read it because I believe it could definitely save lives

[@rxyluvur4230]

This is so detailed

[@kj9358]

I often see a lot of girls and women defending men in dramas that show abusive behavior and saying how “mean” the girls are for not wanting the guy after he acts abusive. People don’t understand that just not beating someone, doesn’t mean you aren’t being abusive and it doesn’t make it okay. Like it is so infuriating to me. No she is not mean and she has every right to hate him for mistreating her. I legit see women saying, “OMG he loves her so much. How can she be so mean to him? “ Like just stop.
Edit: Sorry I feel like I have to add this. I feel like women and girls should do a better job at defending one another, instead of hurting other women just for male approval. Like it hurts so much more when you are hurting and in pain, and another women that is supposed to defend you, goes ahead and sides with your abuser. I understand that it is just dramas, but in a lot of way how people react toward drama is how it plays out in real life. I have seen it myself and it upsets me. Also the victims grow this same mentality and it leads to them justifying and being unable to leave their abuser.

[@thaisdocarmoarantes7826]

thanks so much for all the time you put into making the video, and also this note. If people really pay attention to what you are really saying (and I'm sincerely hoping they will), many will learn more about abuse and other problems we see portrayed as romantic. You're saving lives, really ♥️

[@itsgeyo2044]

I just wanna say to all the people out there who ended a toxic relationship. Be it romantic or platonic, you are so brave for stepping up for yourself.

[@kusuosaiki8966]

Yes i agree, yall are super strong and deserve way better than what you got

[@itsgeyo2044]

@@kusuosaiki8966 yes and they all deserve a big hug and all the love and respect

[@justsomegirlwithoutamousta3173]

Thanks

[@nidhipatel4431]

I did.. he never physically abused me or anything.. bt it was always verbal things and most importantly i changed.. and i hated that change. So i m proud of myslf

[@itsgeyo2044]

@@justsomegirlwithoutamousta3173 you're welcome ฅ'ω'ฅ

[@aiyulee6366]

Guy dragging a girl's hand by force in Kdrama needs to be stopped. The girl is not a cattle

[@haidamzeme2305]

Say it louder sis!!! The dragging hand and slamming into locker/wall/ is NOT ROMANTIC!

[@haidenhill6358]

YAA........ they should also stop making it look like she enjoys being dragged by "big cool powerful men "who treats her like his property .

[@aiyulee6366]

@@haidamzeme2305 and criticizing what a girl should wear or do or say.

[@absentminded7230]

It’s out of fashion already. Y’all need to stop scraping info from old materials.

[@a_polar_bear06]

Neither is forcefully throwing her on the bed or on the sofa as if she is a potato sack.

[@ayahhh.00]

one thing i hate about kdramas is they take such serious topics and romanticize the shit out of it. half of these clips when watching them you don’t even realize they’re toxic because they always add cute/funny music to the background and make it seem light or whatever but when you actually take in what they’re saying it’s so toxic. i’ve noticed it a lot recently but this edit really opened my eyes cause half of those dramas i’ve watched yet never realized how toxic they actually are

[@mushroomexpress3049]

ah I kinda agree with that claim. I'm fine and love drama portraying a toxic love relationship. but it kinda bother me if the maker of story see it as "normal" or excusing their behaviour. as long as the maker of story fully aware that its toxic and not excusing their behaviour as "normal" then I think its fine. liking and excusing are diffrent after all

[@shooshoo5118]

Wrist grabbing, jealousy, being over protective, and controlling is definitely toxic in real life, I think most people do acknowledge that, but in dramas? Wrist grabbing is usually done (at least the newer dramas I've seen) pretty lightly. Like just taking someone outside. Things that I believe shouldn't be seen as romantic is the STALKING. Like you know those scenes where a girl is just walking and the main lead is like on the other side of the road just watching her (queue in cute background music). Also, every behavior portrayed in Boys over Flowers is EXACTLY what toxic shit I want to avoid both in drama land and real life.

[@Me-nl3gz]

For real... I remember 14 year old me dying for a relationship like the ones in kdramas and thai dramas

[@vixxcelacea2778]

@@shooshoo5118 To be fair, a lot of abuse is normalized in many cultures. If there is one thing I've noted in kdramas so far, it's that "mild" (read: doesn't cause bruises or bleeding or temporary marks, doesn't actually mean it's mild or that mild should dismiss the fact that it's still abuse) abuse in families is common. Like hitting kids when they upset you on the shoulder or back once or twice, threats of physical violence (played for laughs) when the mom is angry at the dad or similar set ups.
Considering many countries still allow spanking or other forms of corporal punishment, it's suffice to say society absolutely condones some forms of abuse as disciplinary action that is the right of the parent or similar structure to take.
But it's abuse. There are a LOT of things people do, say or engage in that are abuse that most would say aren't because they are common or accepted. Also, when you start to call out just how much is in fact abusive behavior, people start thinking you're over using it, but just because it's common or a lot of behaviors are abusive doesn't mean that it's not abuse. People don't understand just how often abuse actually happens or what things constitute abuse.
The extra crappy thing is that victims can be and often are abusive in turn because it's what they learn to be in order to cope. Especially in a parent to child situation or if it happens in younger ages. Some victims also grow up to be full blown abusers if they never came to terms with the fact that they were abused. This obfuscates the abuse that is incurred because it causes us to not see that a victim can be a perpetrator and abuse is never excused and should be rectified. If said person, regardless of being a victim as well refuses to see that they need to change, then they've turned into the same thing as an abuser.
As a person who is a victim of childhood abuse, I've grown up and realized some of my behaviors are abusive to those around me and myself and I've been actively working on them to stop the cycle from repeating or hurting others I care about, including myself. Things like being passive aggressive, refusal to communicate, obsessive behavior, emotional manipulation. Self awareness and realization of when I'm doing those things, things that kept me safe in a bad situation, but only hurt those I care about now that I'm in a much better one.
Abuse is so complicated and so multi-faceted. It makes sense that society has trouble know what is and what is not abuse, especially when regular people can engage in it because they've seen so many others do it. Or when it's what you learned to do from your parents or friends and don't realize it's hurting people. If it's a cultural issue too, it's an even bigger problem. For instance switches, spanking and hitting kids are all abusive, and at least 3 major cultural structures participate in it as a almost point of pride or are so desensitized to it that they don't think of it as abuse.
We need to start seeing abuse for what it is, be taught to recognize it, especially the "lighter" versions of it that pop up far more often than anyone wants to know. Classes should be taught in schools to see it in others and see it in yourself because so many behaviors and actions, ways of expressing anger are abusive, but are so common that society accepts them. Mental, emotional and physical.

[@yolandavanderzee3854]

The music is sometimes very off putting and whimsical, while the victim is undergoing all kinds of abuse and trauma. I get sick 🤢 when that happens.
You see one thing and hear the other, which is confusing (and nauseates me).
Everybody knows that music and sounds are very important for the impact of what is seen by the viewer.
Light music or cute sounds have no place where something abusive happens.

[@summertimesadness3755]

the second lead in "extraordinary you" was OBVIOUSLY so toxic in every scene. however a lot of edits romanticizing things he did gained a lot of views, while the main actress said that she wouldn't choose him because he was always angry and furious. I'm just shocked - the normalization of toxic relationships got so deeply in our culture that people don't notice even its evident examples.
also the actor in love alarm was so handsome that I justified his toxic behavior :c
this video woke me up, thank you
p.s.: sorry for my english, it's not my native language

[@preguicadetu]

your english is good, don't worry ^^

[@rabiayounus1482]

Mostly Rich guy and poor girl type dramas (especially Thai and C dramas) have same kind of storyline grabbing female from wrist and dragging, forcibly kissing or touching and bullying the girl they romanticize this but in actual life this is HORRIBLE

[@summertimesadness3755]

@@preguicadetu omg thank you so much!!

[@summertimesadness3755]

@@rabiayounus1482 same shit yeah. also I don't read chinese romantic manhua cause it almost always, aaalways starts with man raping the main girl while she's sleeping;)))0)0)))0 so romantic🤪

[@zero_0084]

For years I saw these behaviors as romantic thanks to society and these dramas, fortunately I woke up, I still see some dramas, but, I always try to look for the least toxic ones.
Use a translator, hope it is understood

[@serchmaabaatarchuluun5761]

These toxic relationship is considered "RoManTiC" because the abusers are handsome/beautiful. If the abuser were ugly as fuck, then no know will consider it romantic.

[@dohee6322]

Absolutely agree.

[@nehameena8441]

This is what I think the same?

[@kpopsloth]

you just exposed the entire entertainment industry. here you dropped this : 👑

[@SK-fy8dl]

Yes, shows/movies are romanticizing abuse if they make abusers attractive.

[@lesbiangoddess290]

Pretty much. Even with real MURDERERS and RAPISTS they really go "but he's so handsome and educated how could he possibly have done something like this". (Jefree dahmer and Ted Bundy comes to mind).

[@bvwan]

Idk why people romanticize these things. Especially in webcomics, it’s hard to find stories where the male lead isn’t abusive, pervert, and even rapist and many readers of this kind of story romanticize this kind of character. They romanticize it just because the main leads will end up ‘together’ in the end like wth?

[@Beandal]

I watch this and realize that it's not the way it should be but young people don't and will find it normal.

[@grandiose5720]

i was gonna write a whole paragraph explaining to western fans about this but nvm

[@ahgap1ezone623]

yeah it's definitely not good especially for younger girls. I know that there are a lot of girls out there, including myself, who were introduced to these toxic standards at a young age whether it be wattpad, fanfiction or dramas like these. we can be really impressionable at a young age and that might carry over into adulthood where we don't see the red flags in these relationships bc it's what we're used to. it's real sad tbh I'm glad I was able to realize and learn just how much bs I was fed in my earlier teen years. yikes.

[@bvwan]

@@ahgap1ezone623 i noticed that most western readers-as far as I know-on wattpad likes stories who has a male lead who is dominant, rough, and such. Thankfully, a lot of stories on wattpad written in my native language doesn't have that much of main characters who is toxic. Although at some stories, there would be main characters who has a toxic traits but as the story proceeds, you can see a character development. Which is fortunate for my young self because I learned about it soon enough.

[@ahgap1ezone623]

@@bvwan wow western wattpad is super weird. I remember reading the wildest things like weird ass year age gaps where female character is 16 and male character is 25. I also remember reading one with similar ages but the dude was waiting for the girl to become of age before he pursued any kind of physical relationship w her. and the werewolf ones, holy don't even get me started. I wouldn't call this grooming but kind of similar in where young girls can be or are conditioned to believe in and find romance in toxic/abusive behavior that is or was prominent on wattpad. I haven't been back there in a while so I don't really know if this is the case anymore tho.

[@Beandal]

As a woman who lives in a country where women are treated like crap, seeing people realize what abuse and toxic relationships are like comforts me. Unfortunately dramas, movies, the media, songs... denigrate girls, portray toxic behavior as being cool/sexy and romanticize evil guys and that isn't helping at all. Women need to be informed, supported and able to get away, move on and heal. Those abusers should get serious punishment.
With the ongoing abuse that I see here, in my family, relatives and other women...I am very scared of men and relationships thinking that if it happens to me, nobody will protect me.
Stay strong everyone and take care of yourselves.

[@zuhasajid900]

Same

[@mushroomexpress3049]

I think liking fiction toxic abusive relationship is fine. but excusing and apply it on real life are questionable

[@Ichigo-dh9rd]

@@mushroomexpress3049 so u invalidate toxic behavior just because it's fiction? You excuse toxic a busers just because it's fiction? It's fine for the victim to get ment@lly and physically tortured just because it's fiction? It's satisfying and "pleasurable" to watch a buse just because it's fiction? Well I have some news for u-

[@mushroomexpress3049]

@@Ichigo-dh9rd yea, cause they are not real. I don't see them as "living thing". its not like I would like it if its real. I would be disgusted and I can't stand toxic abusive behaviour irl. you can go ahead and judge my taste cause I don't really care. as long as you know that me liking something like that doesn't affected my morality and empathy irl then I'm fine with it

[@kyara1835]

@@mushroomexpress3049 u don't have morals in the first place lol. For u r@pe is ok if it's fiction, domestic violence is ok if it's fiction. Didn't u read psychology , if these fictions r potrayed again and again they affect people's mind. So if a guy forces u then it should pleasure u Because it's all result of ur so called fiction

[@noxdawn4949]

I'm reading the comments and my god.... 💀 Why are people still defending their ships?
Is it that hard to admit that a writer is romanticizing abusive behaviors through their webtoon/show?
Because of stuffs like that, many girls grow up thinking that those are actions caused by love and that just like in their fav drama/webtoon, deep down the guy is really nice and won't "really" hurt them.
As viewers/readers it's our responsibility to call out those kind of stuffs to change the views on what consists as domestic abuse!
@ those people: Loving a kdrama boy who showed toxic behaviors doesn't make you a bad person, but excusing his actions does.

[@marietb]

To be honest, I use True Beauty in those videos on purpose. I know a lot of people followed me because I made True Beauty content. But there are a lot of things I don't like in this drama. And as a lot people are here for it, I thought it was important (and provocative haha) to includ True beauty here.
Because you love a drama or an actor doesn't mean you should excuse everything they do. Somehow, when people love someone, they try to justify everything they do and this is so bad. Not only on this subject. Your love for something shouldn't affect your judgment, this is being subjective and here, there is no place for subjectivity

[@noxdawn4949]

@@marietbI only started to follow your channel recently but I did notice that you had done quite a lot of True Beauty videos. I thought it was very cool from you to say what was right even if it upset a part of your public! 👍🏼
And yeah I definitely agree with you, loving someone doesn't mean you should excuse everything they do.
I'll even add that if you truly love someone then you should try to help them become the best version of themselves, correcting someone when they are wrong is the greatest proof of love ☺
If they are fans of those actors or fans of the writers then those people should thell them how to better their work instead of sweeping every issue under the rug.

[@ephxphany2346]

​@@marietb I agree I enjoyed the drama but some things didn't feel right. Most kdramas portray abusive behaviors as romantic and it has been going on for years. I don't get how grabbing women by their wrist in a violent way, asking them to change their clothes or obsessively following them everywhere they go is considered romantic.

[@HarjitKaur-xn5cw]

THANK YOU! I have been on social media a little bit and there so many people who think its cute when their partner acts jealous💀. Its not even right to compliment the opposite sex "youre pretty"...they call it "boundaries" and "respect". Wtaf...so youre supposed to go blind when youre in a relationship and only open your eyes when youre with your partner? LOL the truth is jealousy shows that youre insecure and your partner is your property or something. Above from all, telling someone they are pretty doesnt equals love. It just means you have eyes💀💀💀

[@rubiahro9551]

Glad, i'm watchin, i'm reading, and than?
I'm forget it :)

[@pogihajimaedits]

this type of videos should have at least millions of views. people need to be educated about this topic. ppl need to know the difference between abusive and cute. also this victim blaming is an issue that's mostly ignored so thank you so much for making this video you did well. i know this is so much work but you choose to deliver it and it turns out so good. also i would like to thank you for opening this topic and using your platform for educating us thank you so much

[@a_teez8913]

exactly...

[@mahimaluis2306]

True!

[@dharti0722]

"No one, without your permission, when you say no, is allowed to lay a finger on your body." Girls, especially who are in their teenage years and young adults, always remember this, no matter the person is kind and nice or not, if he/she forces you to do something, then you have to speak up for yourself. You can't stay silent in such situations just because they love you or are nice to you, that's toxic. And don't think that boys kissing you forcefully is romantic, it's toxic, not romantic at all, such kind of activities are not to be forgiven, not at all.

[@wejustneedchichussolonowbl1422]

@Rose I know this is an old comment but you touched on a topic that really hit close to home for me rn. If you ever see this reply can you please give me a few words of your advice?
A year back I finally let go of my friend,well at the time I thought he was my friend.
It was one of the hardest things I have done in my life. When I cut him off I didn't fully know all the reasons. I knew he was manipulative, I knew his words hurt me, I knew he made me doubt my worth, I knew he made me uncomfortable, I knew he even made me feel scared at times. But something deep down inside of me knew that that wasn’t it, that there was something more, telling me that I had to let him go.
I knew there was a little voice in the very back of my mind whispering something that I couldn't hear. Because all of what I had mentioned before; the manipulation, the fear, the hurtful world... I know sadly I would have taken it over and over again because I loved him, I know I would have endured it if it meant still being able to call him my friend. Trust me I know how f* up that sound but it's true.
In my head, back then not even all that pain would have been enough to let go of that someone I once saw as a brother, there was something more. Something I hadn't realized... well it was more like I had already realized it but I didn't want to accept it.
It wasn't till a few weeks back when that ‘something’ finally became clear.
I had a nightmare, he was touching me and no matter how much I begged him to stop, he wouldn't.
I woke up in tears, sobbing but it wasn't because of the dream itself but because I realized that that dream was more so a memory.
I realized that he did touch me without my consent. He would touch my thighs, my bum, and my shoulders beneath my clothes... I would tell him to stop only for him to do it again a few seconds later, after I had told him no.
These realizations traumatized me.
I had an appointment with my therapist that day and I broke down in front of her. She asked me if he had assaulted me and out of fear I said no. I know that if I said yes she would have had to notify my mama and the police. (I’m 15 that’s why)
Plus I don't even fully know if it is even considered assault. All I know is that every time I think about it I feel disgusted and terrified. And if I'm being honest I can't help but feel guilty, I mean I could have pushed him or something I could have been more clear that my no really meant no... I would NEVER blame another victim but for some reason I blame myself.
Do you think I did the wrong thing by telling my therapist no? Did I lie to her by doing so? Or am I just thinking too much into it?
Sorry for slipping my heart out but this has been weighing me down for so long now and i'm scared to talk about it with anyone.

[@dharti0722]

@@wejustneedchichussolonowbl1422 I am really really sorry you had to go through that, but no, you didn't do anything wrong, and yes he was assaulting you. If physical touches like those makes you feel uncomfortable and you feel disgusted by it, then yes it's an assault. That's what's the difference between rape and sexual consent. The thing done is same but in terms rape it's done without consent and is forced, in terms of sexual consent, it's a thing agreed on by both sides. You did a great job by talking about it to your therapist and probably you should do it with your mom too, I know you will feel scared but try to gain some courage and tell her. And don't blame yourself for not pushing him away even though you felt uncomfortable, cuz you are still very young and you probably didn't know what to do, since you really adored that person besides all those toxicity. Let your heart out to your mom and if you feel like she might not understand you then search for a friend or someone with whom you can trust, your therapist can be best person. I know you are scared that she will tell your mom and police but don't be scared, until and unless your closed ones and you yourself believe you and support you, don't be scared of anything.

[@wejustneedchichussolonowbl1422]

@@dharti0722 I know it quite a long time. But I just wanted to say thank you. I saw your reply sometime back but I couldn't get myself to reply back then, sorry about that. Your word meant so much to me and they were so eye opening. Once again thank you so so much.

[@dharti0722]

@@wejustneedchichussolonowbl1422 My pleasure. I am happy that you felt good about it, and don't worry I can understand you have stuffs to do so you can reply anytime you like.

[@coffeetoffee9908]

at 3:29, I just want to tell those who didn't watch the drama, it was not the boyfriend being toxic to her. She suffered from prolonged grief disorder. When her mental is not stable, she imagined her dead boyfriend being toxic. (her boyfriend was always kind towards her). She felt bad for her boyfriend being dead, if she moved on and kinda blame herself for that. So , its her being toxic to herself

[@marietb]

Yeah I know! In the video we see that she waked up (she was having a sleep paralysis). I just wanted to use that scene to show what effects can have a toxic relationship on a person.
By the way, in the description I didn't put a • after the name of drama to let people know that the relation was not toxic, or, at least, not included in the kdramas that protray toxic relationships without being explicit
It would have been long to explain so I didn't but thanks for explaining it in my stead

[@acciosharpie4441]

woah that's insanely scary 😭

[@fluoroantimonicacid4844]

That's so tragic :(

[@crymeariver5788]

People don't know and not even myself nor himself knew he was toxic, he never laid his hands on me and treated me like a princess, to him, he did everything a guy could do for his girl and i was greatful for that. But the thing was, i was always put down, my opinion never mattered, it effected me so much mentally that i changed from being the most optimistic person to the most pessimistic one, thank god my bestfriend noticed and got me out. My point is, even without physical torture relationships can be also mentally toxic, please becareful.

[@marietb]

Yes, I consider I was in a toxic relationship but he never hit me. That's why it was somehow difficult to understand what was happening. He was sometimes the sweetest guy and sometimes the worst, getting angry for nothing and insulting me like I was the worst. I've completely changed while I was with him. I was always afraid to do something he wouldn't like, to say, even think something he wouldn't like.
But he never hit me. He hit the wall behind my face, hit his phone, insulted me and screamed at me, but he never really hit me. But it was violence, it was abuse and I realized that so much later. Because there were no-one to tell me what happened, because no-one saw anything, because we don't talk about it.
We have this image of domestic violence with the woman getting hit by her husband but it can also be the young girl getting abused mentally by her young boyfriend. People have to realize that

[@soumyasimransahu4626]

That's exactly what I tried to explain to someone. But they just don't listen. Sometimes people are actually blinded by what they think is love, but it's harmful.

[@nidhipatel4431]

At one time i was in a very similar situation and i get wat u r saying. We start to fear things and stop living ..its like waking up everyday and dng the same things on repeat..

[@zukogf2337]

I hope you’re doing well now! I’m sorry about what happened

[@geegeecook5063]

@@marietb you dealing with narcissistic.Maybe the covert one.Run if you meet this kind of people. They are truly evil.

[@anurvi1463]

i really don't understand why people like boys over flower.

[@debora_4051]

yes thats what i wanted to hear and say. but everyone else just loves it even when the male lead is a major jerk

[@aditichatterjee9736]

EXACTLY.

[@blahblahbear1429]

I never watched it but when I read the original manga of boys over flowers... OMG the main lead is the worst why does she even like him a bit he should be arrested by everything he did

[@srilekhabudigina]

My question since I started watching K-dramas... Thankfully I was introduced to some good series by my friends... otherwise I would've skipped K-dramas assuming that all are like BOF

[@AnanyaAMenon]

I only like the drama because of the ost stand by me and bodyguard by SHINee

[@Samiha.alam05]

i just rewatched that episode of true beauty and i honestly forgot about the "i'm a man too" part.
Thought it was funny but he's action had actually a meaning behind them: showing his dominance/instinct, as a man.
"don't be too comfortable around me cuz i see u like the other boys do" or something like that

[@hafsaabdulbari9031]

@@Sisi-vj6jr i think its 9

[@honeyrinou]

i never watched nor read true beauty but that "don't be too comfortable..." kinda scared me a little...

[@nehameena8441]

Right

[@cysy.g32]

Yes it’s like he’s excusing that behavior with his “man” nature or something like what..

[@emmabennett7699]

@@honeyrinou I actually didn't think about that bit in the drama, I really hated the drama version of Suho though, oh my God he was a stalker. The webtoon is nice just stupid. And the jealousy is shown as disgusting in the webtoon. In the drama Suho literally follows her everywhere, tries to take her away when she's hanging out with other people and is overall a like a wattpad, yandere boyfriend.

[@sharanya2951]

Yes finally someone pointed out that true beauty had TOXIC STUFF IN IT
Edit: oof 😀

[@drishtiroy845]

Pretty sure this is coming from Team Seojun

[@ophelia769]

Ikr!! People always romanticise suho and seojun's toxic behavior

[@silvergrace6021]

I tried watching it, but I just couldn’t get into it. I just stick with the webtoon.

[@sharanya2951]

@@ophelia769 exactlyyy

[@harai6558]

@@drishtiroy845 why does that matter?

[@nada-io1dd]

I think the healthiest relationship was on run on

[@nthapa2640]

And for c-drama historical drama its the long ballad.

[@srilekhabudigina]

Yeah! I like how she chooses herself... and doesn't succumb to the pressure

[@stan_enhypen_3638]

And weight lifting fairy Kim bok Joo too 😋

[@user-ou7fq3bt7k]

Perfect and Casual (cdrama) the main couple relationship was non toxic, it was a nice drama

[@paigejones5978]

It truly was. She chose herself before her relationship and it ultimately led the male lead to trusting his self more and loving himself. I think its a great drama to watch about healthy relationships

[@tiramisunsun]

A friend of mine was really easily jealous and didn't like if I talked about other guys, and when I pointed out it was a bit too much (especially considering we weren't even dating) he just said it was because "I was precious" and he "cared about me"... I kind of stopped seeing after and I'm glad I did.

[@syaarsy5044]

Imagine if y’all dated omg I’m glad you cut him off

[@mushroomexpress3049]

thats kinda creepy ngl-

[@bangtanshook4271]

what's wrong with that?

[@kacey7]

i’m so proud of you for not being friends with him cause who knows if you dated each other he would probably treat you not nicely

[@clwt4075]

@@bangtanshook4271 what's wrong with that is that OP's male friend is being possesive over OP and it's a very unhealthy behaviour. When someone thinks you're precious, or they care about you, they still don't have the right to try to control who you can or cannot talk to. That's not "caring about a person", that's being possesive over someone, assuming they own the person. I'd suggest for anyone who thinks it's ok to feel jealous like what happened with this scenario, to ask themselves why.
And if the friend really cared about the OP, he could show it in a different way, like listening to her, making sure she knows what to do to protect herself etc. Hope this helps.

[@minswaeg6061]

I already feel like its gonna be a masterpiece

[@Muniii10]

Indeed it is 💜

[@artsysooleft5183]

@@Muniii10 yeah

[@_swathi_3783]

@@Muniii10 yes

[@-shinynovy]

Thank you. Nobody talks about this soo many popular dramas romanticize abuse and toxic behaviours and the sad part is they always end up together in the end. Young ppl who watch these dramas will get the idea that this is what an "ideal" relationship should be like. It's rlly sad

[@gracienoble2880]

I'm a couple weeks late, but I wanted to interject my opinion real quick. It's totally fine to enjoy these shows, I loved a couple of the ones on here, but you have to know how to spot the toxic behavior that runs rampant in kdramas (actually, all romance/drama movies and tv shows). Don't idolize these relationships, don't call them "goals," and don't defend them. Sure there might be context behind these scenes, but that doesn't stop them from being toxic.
There's never an excuse to hit your SO. There's never an excuse to get in their face and scream. There's no excuse to cut people out of your SO's life because of jealousy, or to manipulate your SO into staying with you. Sure there may be a reason, but there's not an excuse.

[@mahi93162]

yes I agree because many kdrama fans sadly romanticize these things

[@mahi93162]

also how the love interest sometimes grabs her arm and doesn't let her go, that's also toxic

[@mushroomexpress3049]

I agree. nothing wrong with liking that stuff on fiction. but you shouldn't want or romantized that kind of relationship irl.

[@learningisliving1161]

Yeah these relation should not be idealize even a bit as they just show violent behaviour and it's a characterization derived from real world sometime the plot may not be true but character personality can exist in reality. But you can't say that the violent behaviour real world will vanish if these drama don't show it . Violent behaviour in real world exist because of violent real people not because of these kdrama which just show these violent behaviour. Something bad will cease rcust because they are shown in tv but because humanity has advance finally toward advancement. You can enjoy them but there nothing to idealize when a main aduse a others by ptoving misogynism in their actions

[@you_know_me8218]

For the yelling, screaming and hitting, I might get and understand it under certain circumstances. Not for jealousy though. People have no right to cut people out of some else’s life.

[@multistanhuhue1601]

Fianlly i lost it in boys over flowers, true beauty, love alarm and ESPECIALLY cheese in the trap when she chose 1st lead over 2nd i lost it I stopped watching kdramas and switched to cdramas

[@ajl3283]

BSUSHYWSHHA ikr the 2nd lead was chef's kiss😭😭

[@zero_0084]

Chinese dramas are worse in toxic relationships

[@multistanhuhue1601]

@@zero_0084 some of them are for example Meteor Garden and etc but it is way easier to find non toxic relationship

[@zero_0084]

@@multistanhuhue1601 Hmm, can you name a few that are non-toxic?
In my experience, I have found few Chinese dramas that are non-toxic and I have seen many Chinese dramas.
PS: Use a translator, hope it is understood

[@marietb]

@@multistanhuhue1601 Meteor Garden is the Chinese version of Boys over flowers 😅

[@notwerkinginthishouse8634]

"The one who neglects and turn a blind eye to the abuse is worse than the abuser"

[@coffeetoffee9908]

people said that sunoh is not toxic should watch this

[@nada-io1dd]

Which one is sunho

[@coffeetoffee9908]

@@nada-io1dd at 0:34 and 3:02

[@alexaruval1972]

yeah I hated his character...I'm glad jojo ended up with hyeyeong

[@Indigo518]

Yeah 😭

[@newzleaf1829]

yesss omg he's toxic since first season. I disliked the show because of his character.

[@michie4225]

I think strong woman bong soon should be included as well. Bong Soon's mother is pretty abusive towards the father.

[@bangtanshook4271]

but it's a female doing it

[@marietb]

@@Ichigo-dh9rd yes but this video is about male being abusers. I'll make a video about female abusers later

[@Ichigo-dh9rd]

@@marietb oh my bad! I misunderstood @Bangtanshook comment 😭 yeahh I saw ur other replies I love ur videos~ 💗

[@TaeThei]

@@marietb please include the mother of Jugyeong. I think shes pretty abusive (physically) to the dad too or it could just be me

[@kpopsloth]

@@TaeThei nah you're right. i haven't watched True Beauty, just a few clips but she was always nagging him for anything and everything😞

[@nibharokiran]

your channel is fucking gold. it's so important for people to understand that so many of the kdrama relationships are toxic and that they aren't "goals"

[@kritika6459]

I rmb when that seojun jg scene episode aired , I thought ppl might find it not proper and will be against it....tho to my absolute surprise it was "romanticized" and was called "sexual tension" between the characters where all is saw was jg being clearly uncomfortable by everything he was doing. Also the fact that she was in a relationship with someone that too his freaking "ex bestfriend" he did knowingly was..... No matter who defends what ..that was WRONG. And thank u for adding it and pointing it out!

[@clwt4075]

Agreed! It was non-consensual! She appeared very uncomfortable

[@letsgetit836]

Pls tell me. But isnt seojun just trying to hit on her? But he fed up cuz jg still doesnt like him

[@munnapradhan2931]

It's a model shoot tho they were assigned that pose...

[@adnataiomara5530]

I hope you make a list of healthy relationship dramas.

[@ands6243]

YES

[@silvergrace6021]

The relationship in ‘Put your head on my shoulders’ is sooo cute. I would consider the main couple pretty healthy.

[@itsgeyo2044]

@@silvergrace6021 they weren't completely healthy but a lot better than other chinese couples. Overall, the drama was light-hearted and cute.

[@silvergrace6021]

@@itsgeyo2044 yea it is cute. I watch it whenever I’m sad. For some reason, it just cheers me up

[@Yukipavestheway]

Sweet revenge/ revenge note maybe heartstrings , moorim school

[@mina3442]

it really annoys me when people romanticize serious topics like this..

[@mushroomexpress3049]

romanticize on fiction is fine tho. on real life I agree people shouldn't romantizing this stuff

[@kpopsloth]

@@mushroomexpress3049 personally i think it's not okay because when people watch these things being shown in movies/dramas with fluttery music and flower petals, they think "oh this is completely normal and acceptable". the reason people like these dramas is because these guys are good-looking and that it's fiction. no one would remotely 'like' it if (god forbid) something like this happened in real life

[@luv4sunoo917]

Never realized how toxic cheese in the trap was till I started watching these videos

[@blahblahbear1429]

I want Seol to end up with no one from the show... or at least be friends with Inho (not romantically) because Jung is toxic and a bit creepy(like when he sent that stalker after her before they were friends)

[@mushroomexpress3049]

how do you didn't realize- I don't watch the drama but on webtoon its clearly showed how the people around ml in the past make him toxic and abit twisted in the head. even the character on cheese in the trap mention how there's something wrong with the ml head lol. tho as the relationship poggresed (cause apparently this webtoon character know how to communicate with each other unlike some webtoon character) both of their relationship become really healthy. and they both influenced each other into a better person.

[@Ichigo-dh9rd]

@@mushroomexpress3049 because they aren't educated on toxic. They have never been exposed to one. That's why I hate toxic and a busive relationships in fiction because if u don't know a thing about toxicity, u start to romanticize it. I was exposed to kdramas at a very young age and I thought the behavior in dramas like boys over flowers, the heirs, was normal. I'm glad that I'm educated and more aware now but because of these fictional dramas and manhwas I saw all the red flags as white.

[@mushroomexpress3049]

@@Ichigo-dh9rd I never get educated on toxic relationship but I knew? well maybe cause I'm surrounded by nice people irl. I don't really like toxic abusive relationship that are shown to be normal. but If author knew that the behaviour is toxic and actually write a "warning" and "explanation" for me its fine. you can make everything on fiction(the beauty of fiction is in the freedom after all) but you gotta be really responsible if you're going to share it for others to see

[@Ichigo-dh9rd]

@@mushroomexpress3049 That's a bummer because most dramas DON'T have that kind of warning. Or I wouldn't had been allowed to watch it. Well good for u, u already knew but alot of us don't and normalise it. There are children watching who can't even distinguish right and wrong at that age. Some people even take references from dramas but they fail to understand that it's not 100% reliable. Most of them have terrible example because we've normalised a lot of these behaviours.

[@naomipolanco1289]

It was an excellent decision to make this video after the previous ones you did because despite the effort you put into all the details, some people in the comments still, continued to blame the victim, asking why did they not leave that relationship, and this video makes the reason very clear: Because of the memories of the relationship and a lot of MANIPULATION.
So IT WON'T NEVER BE THE VICTIM'S FAULT.
I liked too how you ended it with the victim and people just realizing that is not okay and calling out the behaviours.
PD: Your edit is just perfect!!

[@nilufertoker3216]

I am really glad that there are people like you who points out toxic behaviours in kdramas. These behaviours can be found in everywhere. I think adressing these issues and educating other people about this subject play crucial role.

[@anaghaanantharaman6408]

honestly even in clips where the people are lke "its not your fault" "youre so brave" thats the barest minimum they can do. how low is the bar that people just acknowledging the fact that the fault isnt with the victim whatsoever is something to be praised?

[@clarise7999]

sigh. vids like this makes me scared to find a lover someday. i know not all men r like this but im just scared that the men i met isnt like the " not all men "

[@mushroomexpress3049]

true, except I'm scared with any type of romantic relationship cause it might not work out (toxic or not) cause you know we may fall out of love. I guess thats why we have to try despite it beeing scary. cause we would never knew unless we try? what's scary is that the person on relationship might not be toxic at first but change after they have long become part of "family". the thing about family Is that you can't abandoned them easily. sorry for my rant

[@clarise7999]

@@mushroomexpress3049 you're speaking facts gurl ✓

[@priscillaher3941]

thank you for this! i literally saw a reddit post about fans excusing the toxic behavior just because the male lead is cute. things like this happen in real life and it's so disgusting. no one should go through abuse and it's time that some kdrama fans need to realize that.

[@entropy5157]

Everytime I hear people say they like these ships in these dramas because it was "ANGSTY" and there was tension in the drama makes me want to bang my head against the wall....
Like NO THIS IS NOT TENSION it is straight up manipulation and Abuse !!!

[@teutuber7936]

damn i thought i was the only one who hated how suho acted within their relationship XD i really wanted jugyeong to end up with seojun lol

[@mushroomexpress3049]

on webtoon I find that mc is the toxic one

[@mckenna4561]

@@mushroomexpress3049 In the Webtoon, Seojun was super toxic for a hot minute.

[@clwt4075]

Seojun's not any better. That's why the video has the scene of him intruding her personal space during their photoshoot. Warning her not to be too comfortable with him because he's "a man too". She obviously appeared very uncomfortable in that scene.

[@clwt4075]

But I agree with you, suho in the drama for that episode was TOXICLY POSSESSIVE over jukyung and I didn't like that part too

[@anayakhan2208]

Seojun is himself toxic, hre invaded her privacy, make her feel uncomfortable in front of whole school in lunch. She should have better ending up being successful makeup artist

[@preguicadetu]

Person, I just want to say, thank you very much for this series you are doing. Those videos are really helping me to learn more about abuse.

[@onebrowngirl998]

The more clips I watch of the True Beauty drama, the more I prefer webtoon Suho 💀
Edit: When I say I prefer Suho, I mean I prefer his webtoon chatacter over his drama character. Not that I prefer him over Seojun for Jugyeon.

[@taylorlaurenhill3930]

Same

[@mahjoobajahan830]

i think i prefer the drama character because i really like how they showed him being controlling and stuff and then jugyeong told him that she didnt like that and he saw that it hurt her. then he stopped and even apologized for it. i like this because it shows that he really loves her and if something hurts her it hurts him. and after that they had a healthy relationship. this is how relationships should be. when u tell them that you dont like something they will stop doing the thing you dislike. and i think the in the video scene was targeted to seojun cuz he touched her alot and we could clearly see that she was uncomfortable. and he did those despite knowing that she is in a relationship.
i feel like the webtoon suho doesnt have much character if you know what i mean. like its like his life revolves around jugyeong in the webtoon. while in the drama he did other things. he and seojun made up and became friends again after the misunderstanding( in the webtoon they only made up for like a day and then they went back to people who hate eachother beacause both of them liked jukyeong.) and in the drama suho made more friends and hung out with them. he forgave his father and wanted to spend more time with him. i dont really know what other thing webtoon suho did other than crushing on jugyeong.
if you think anything is wrong with whatever i said here please point it out :)

[@onebrowngirl998]

@@mahjoobajahan830 That's fantastic! As I've mentioned in a comment before, I havent really watched the whole drama, only clips of it. So I didnt come across anything about Suho fixing his behaviour. But I'm really glad that he did so. It shows so much healthy growth. Now I really am wondering why so many of the dramas fans keep calling Suho toxic while glorifying Seojun though 🤔
As for webtoon Suho, I actually really like him as a genuinely good guy who doesnt need a girl to tell him to fix his behaviour. He's actually a decent person to begin with. Personally, I view as someone who is so caught up in depression that he doeant quite know what to do with himself, and maybe in a roundabout way he wants to make sure Jugyeon doesnt end up like that as well? Also, he's shown positive improvement in the recent chapters with pursuing culinary classes and all. So I'm hopeful that the story will do him justice and actually have an arc for his mental health issues. This is just my perspective though.

[@mahjoobajahan830]

@@onebrowngirl998 ohh thank you for the feedback. i think i know why aot of people view suho and seojun that way. first off i think suho and jukyungs relationship is more like reality like they have theyre ups and downs and people are more into " perfect male leads". and seojun touching jukyung and joking with her didnt seem like a big deal because of the cute music and jukyungs uncomfortable facial expressions can be mistaken as flustered facial expressions. and people are also attached to the webtoon seojun so they like the drama seoujun more than suho. and i think seojun is more the viewers type. i think people should understand that its not about who you like more its about who the female lead has deeper connection with and likes more.
seojuns character completaley bad. the only bad things he did was yknow the jokes and modeling with her in that way.other than that he is a VERY good character. i think you should watch the drama. it is very enjoyable. and about the webtoon maybe you are right. i havent really read it in a while because i lost alot of interest to it. because the story is very dragging...

[@marietb]

@@mahjoobajahan830 I don't think Suho and Jugyeong's relationship became "healthy". When did you see that? When he followed her everywhere when she asked him to stop every time? There were something like one or two episodes when he comes back from the US. I don't think that's enough to say that their relationship became healthy, that he grew up, became a better person etc. On the contrary, he continued to act like Jukyung belonged to him and didn't respect her request of leaving her time and space.
So, no, I don't think their relationship became healthy, you can't tell from what we saw in the drama

[@coralie19breizh]

I just watched "Love in sadness" (I don't usually watch k-dramas), and I loved it: it really shows every issues (or almost) that a victim of domestic violence can go through. And with the character of Seo Jung-won (the man who helps the victim), it also shows that a man who's not afraid to be kind, gentle, and to understand that a traumatised person needs time and patience, is far more healthy and attractive that a guy who want to impress you.

[@Momoko4ever1]

It makes me so mad when I see victim blaming. Yes you can still get raped even if you’re dating or married. If there’s any moment that you feel uncomfortable it’s sexual assault/harassment.

[@skrrrtbangtan]

To be honest, boys over flowers was trash because of how much abuse it had. The things I didn't understand are that how the female lead was "okay" with the male lead abusing her and how she didn't even discuss with her family about what she had been through which includes: the school students throwing eggs and flower at her; her almost being raped by the male lead's minions; her almost going into critical condition because of the students flipping her bike while she was on it; the main lead kidnapping her; and tricking her into going to another country; her getting raped by a random dude and she just comes to school like nothing happened. And her parents don't know ANYTHING about it and everything is just normal. Like wtf dude? And over that, this is only 6 episodes, I stopped watching the show after the sixth episode because it was so toxic and terrible. If all of this only happened in 6 episodes, I can't even imagine what happens in the remaining 19 episodes. How is this show even people's favourite dude?!?!

[@bitchimikonicsoyeet4779]

"Looking into his eyes when he was hitting me,scared me the most." It reminds me of him

[@Ihavenocluewhattodo]

You're helping to spread such an important message to the younger impressionable audience. This is much needed, thank you!

[@pjm4681]

i really didn't understand how majority of viewers in love alarm rooted for sun oh. he's very toxic and that's literally how his character was established even since the start.
He only approached her bc he's trying to test his beetfriend's loyalty to him. He kissed her the first time they met even though he knew she have a boyfriend. even in season two, he was still a jerk. he keeps gaslighting the girl telling her what SHE feels about him. he keeps shouting at her and he kissed her without permission. he also did not consider her trauma before causing a scene on her classroom. they just liked him bc he's considered very attractive.
hyeyeong was very matured. he have a liked her since the start but respected that she was in a relationship TWICE. he only began to approach her after she broke up with sunoh. and instead of letting the girl know that he likes her through live alarm, he just made her actually feel it. he never forced or rush her to like him back. when he saw the video of jojo and sunoh tgt, he didn't assumed anything and only thought of jojo's trauma.
and the viewers are still disappointed that jojo made the right choice

[@graceanne4696]

Thank you for making this. I think it’s so easy to excuse and normalize abusive behavior especially when it’s romanticized. As a SA survivor it made me feel empowered to see you bringing light to issues women face. Lots of love🥰

[@beawaretuber7454]

Do all toxic things and say this one sentence "I did this to protect you"

[@sun8843]

I cant even start with Cheese in the Trap omfg. That shit is soooo toxic on so many levels. She's basically in a relationship with a manipulative sociopath. I dont know why anyone would think that's cute.

[@snls5855]

People are talking about how toxic relationships are bad, until it comes to kdramas. They have this "ooh he's handsome, so we'll forget it" mentality and ignore every single red flag.
One of the kdramas I hate the most is Love Alarm, especially Sunoh. It wasn't the most problematic kdrama ever, but what I hate is how people were defending and sympathizing with him, even though he literally kissed her after she told him to leave her alone (sexual assault yay). He was talking about how she still loves him even when she denied it multiple times and didn't want to let her go. He was acting like a 3 y/o who wants a toy and him mom won't buy him and yet people still love this shitty, abusive, narcissistic character, because his parents didn't love him.

[@chayanikaganguli9282]

This should seriously have more views. This topic gets ignored so much, I swear. People sometimes don't even get to know what's happening to them and think it's just a random fight and forget everything because as they say it's better to forget and forgive which does not always apply to the case.
Seriously, I also found some moments which I seemed to ignore in the drama but now that I think of it, I realise how I just ignored it oml.
I hope people actually stand up for such stuff and hope they get the courage and help from others to do so as well. It's very true how in IOTNBO she said the person just standing by is more cruel than the criminal.

[@conniespringer7522]

finally! i really feel creeps when watching kdramas and male leads always tells their partners not to hold hands with anyone or talk to anyone without them knowing abt it. especially when they say " you're mine" to the female leads. gives me shivers. 💀💀

[@lashialee8066]

0:33
Finally someone calling out Sun-oh. I honestly don’t know why so people were on his side and were voting for him to win Jojo. He always kissed her without her consent and saying that she can’t look at other boys, talk to other guys, and so on. Like being jealous is not wrong but he’s basically controlling her. I just in general hate the character Sun-oh, like who does he think he is?! He repeatedly tries to convince her that she still has feelings for him in season 2. Like he is making her doubt her own self. He was pulling the “I know you still love me or have feelings for me” card. Like he is so annoying and he was such a toxic friend too. Like how could he kiss the girl his best friend likes and tries to “test” their friendship. I also think that Jojo is a bad character too. Jojo is one of the those basic weak lead female where she can’t fight off bullies or always cries and hides behind the bad boy “Sun-oh” like their “love storyline” is too basic, toxic, and boring. Also not a lot of people point this out but Jojo basically cheats on her boyfriend too in season 1. Like she lets Sun-oh kiss her and continues to hide it from her boyfriend. Like first of all if she doesn’t feelings for her boyfriend she should have broken up with him in the first place then get with Sun-oh. But the fact that she just tries to avoid her boyfriend after he finds out about her and Sun-oh and she does nothing. Overall Yuk-jo and Hyeyoung were the best characters. They’re both the off side characters who had to deal with Sun-oh and Jojo. Waiting for their love, being patient and understanding but Jojo and Sun-oh sucks. Love alarm is just so messed up.

[@beez1408]

I’m still trying to understand the toxic and abusive behaviour in dramas, and i honestly don’t think i’ll ever get it, but i don’t agree with this type of behaviour and don’t know why it’s so common and popular in dramas. They make the male leads so dominant and so controlling over the female leads, like it’s “cute” or “sexy”, like obsessive behaviour isn’t okay and it’s portrayed so much in dramas.
the video was well executed and needs more exposure🙌🏽

[@trixielangford9085]

Finally someone understood how toxic the relationship of jojo and sunoh was.

[@blackangel7834]

You know the worst part is "blaming the victim" saying bcoz of you I turned like this or saying I have changed or I love you I don't wanna lose you blah blah blah.... Enough of this... I don't understand why people don't see that the opposite person is also a human who feels pain physically and mentally...

[@azalor3223]

Kdrama in a Nutshell and A lot of these things are called 'romantic'

[@luv5117]

crying. as someone who witnessed domestic violence in their childhood and been in an abusive relationship i can 100% confirm the fault is always the abuser never the victim

[@hanniesung3595]

Writing villains a sad backstory is concidered good storytelling nowadays since it's much more interesting and makes you understand their reasons and symphatize with them. The problem often is that these are written or interpreted as excuses rather than reasons. I think these kinds of trends should stop or and be more self aware! Since I feel like toxic behaviours are so normalized and shown in media to people from such a young age over and over again that many don't take a step back and really think about these things. For me at leas becoming aware at first felt like so many normal everyday things were suddenly toxic and wrong. I feel like these realisations shouldn't come all at once, rather they should be the norm.

[@athyar1531]

This is such an important video! Thank you so much for making this! It really highlights the toxic traits that we romanticize in our main leads as well. It may seem harmless at the time, since it's only a drama and doesn't reflect our values in real life. But this kind of romanticizing in widespread media feeds harmful narratives that some people act on. It can be hard to distinguish between love and obsession when you're in these situations, so to make it confusing on screen as well definitely doesn't help. My heart goes out to all these abused characters, and survivors in real life.

[@dumbodrive9007]

I was blaming myself that may be I did something which they misunderstood and touched me inappropriately. I cried for weeks being in a traumatic condition. Thank you so much😭
It's not just your video is so damn good but the message it conveyed at the end.... is like a burden went off from my mind and heart
May your message is conveyed to more and more people so that this has a full stop one day.

[@haidamzeme2305]

Hi love, sending virtual guys your way. I hope you are much better now.

[@sruticranjith5194]

When the weather is fine is a great k series guys! It shows how much domestic violence can fuk up a family. Here the romantic leads are not toxic but her father was, im not spoiling much but a must watch!

[@ummi2896]

Love in sadness was that drama that portrayed it exactly like it was it made me feel the emotions all through and I loved how they used flowers to explain things or to convey messages

[@imomushi7062]

I love how you used the policeman in "Live" as an example for a good man. He was AMAZING in this role, grumpy and unfriendly a lot of times, but still a genuinely decent guy. :>

[@mahekshah5788]

Women victim blaming other women hits harder. I don't get it why and how they can even think of doing such a thing to someone from their own species? It's like we don't even have full support from within our own gender.

[@preethisrikanthan1011]

Thank you so much for this. Apart from the killer visuals/apt song choice it’s really important to think critically about and call out these types of unhealthy behaviors in media instead of trying to justify it as romantic or normal behavior.

[@epiphany5]

My respect for you has topped the roof thank you for shading light on this topic it happens very often love your channel....🤗🤗🤗

[@erinmiller1433]

I’m glad you distinguish between dramas where the abuse is and isn’t explicit, because there’s a huge difference between portraying toxicity and normalizing it. I use your videos to help me decide which dramas _not_ to watch, but a drama that actually says “this behavior is toxic and not romantic” deserves a chance.

[@TheWipal]

seeing boys over flowers in there, LMAOOOO ahhh the ptsd 😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣 man was trash but we all denied it smh

[@lucky-rq5hh]

in love alarm, the first male lead was clearly toxic meanwhile the second male lead respected
her but everyone says that the female lead should go back to the first male lead

[@snls5855]

finally someone who sees that he was toxic af, thank you

[@kellysunserenity4068]

People have mentioned that to me to when watching some of these. The best response I've found is to look them in the eye and say "So the Female lead should choose the guy that treats her like shit? Rather than the guy (2nd Male lead) that respects her and treats her with genuine kindness?"

[@lillith6725]

I am really grateful to you and I think it's good that you've been making videos like this recently. It is a topic that should not be kept silent. Unfortunately, in my eyes it is still too ingrained that the victim is the guilty one or that they are labeled as weak ...
If you have experienced something like this yourself, you are all the more relieved that there is someone like you who speaks it openly. Keep it up! And thank u again, it means a lot to me

[@full_sun3956]

I think the only drama in the recent times which actually showed signs of "healthy relationship'' was definitely Vincenzo. Love how, both ML and FML respected each other equally and understood each others privacy very well. Yes, the love was slow between them but it was a gradual process with no sign of so-called toxicity . For the fact , that ''love'' was not even the MAIN focal point of the drama but yet they showed what ''love" actually should be , is just amazing.

[@sakshi_s4304]

I really like how you are highlighting all the social and personal evils all around us... everyone thinks that it's not gonna happen to them but if only they look around themselves

[@bangsterbaby998]

Thank you so so much for this important video. I especially love that you chose to end it with scenes that call out these abusive behaviours and that the abuser and not the victim is at fault. Your doing a saints work here.

[@bangtanshook4271]

Do it with thai dramas, you would find lots. I rarely see anyone talking about thai dramas.

[@yassie9717]

ngl sometimes watching kdramas give you life lessons... I think many people people think we ‘romantize’ a perfect bf and life but honestly our eyes open up on the harsh and sadness of reality 😌♥️love this

[@harshitasingh3848]

Becoz we live and are raised in a society like ours we kind of ignore these abuses which we think are "minor" i wont lie and say that i have never tried to justify an abusive behaviour in the name of "its just jealousy" "its my fault too" but m glad to find U and people like you who are making us question why we do what we do and if nothing else it's definitely starting a conversation and teaching young girls and guys that abuse is not LOVE and one who loves u don't hurt u. I'm definitely taking some new found views and ideas from here with me. Thank you for this.

[@siennawyes489]

Some people seem to not have noticed that Cheese In The Trap displayed different types characters with mental health issues. I don't see it as a romantic drama, that's why it's one of my favorites. It was mainly about trauma and manipulation. Good thing it was included here.

[@angelmanalo954]

Exactly

[@TaeThei]

Same gurl. Im glad he decided to stay away and prolly get therapy so its not so bad for me

[@thaisdocarmoarantes7826]

ok but this song is SO good I'm even more excited about the video now!!

[@jeonggukbabyy]

Yes the person abusing you might say "I love you so much " ,"Don't leave me" ,cry in front of you but remember if you forgive them they do it again and again..... don't use yourself for ur love

[@Tooba-K123]

Thank you so much dear for pointing out the toxic parts in your videos especially the popular ones that people seems to normalize, even for second male leads that eventually wins people's heart. Also thanks for include Love in Sadness, that show is underrated as hell.

[@HISANY83]

This was a great video and kudos to you for calling out the toxic tropes in kdramas packaged as romantic. Sooo many male leads are written to behave like assholes and that shit isnt pleasant or shouldn't be encouraged.

[@aisatougassama4893]

Also in True Beauty, we see JK’s mom is very aggressive and abusive towards her father. She constantly yells at him and throws things at him.

[@33dango]

I don’t like drama for drama’s sake. For example: seeing the SO with another person and immediately assuming the worst. And if the SO notices and tries to explain (it was their sister! Or a childhood friend they haven’t seen in years, etc) they won’t even give them a chance to explain.
I don’t know if that counts as abuse, but it’s definitely poor communication, and a healthy relationship is built on respect and communication.
It also irks me that acting cute is a good way to get on someone’s good side after wronging them. I know it’s a cultural thing to act cute, and I don’t know if it’s exactly toxic in this specific situation, but I don’t like it. An apology is needed. Sometimes acting cute is used to make someone not mad when they have every right. Like, person A cheats on person B, so person A acts cute and gets away with it.
I don’t know… I just have always found it hard to watch dramas mainly because of miscommunication when it could have been avoided. Now with this video highlighting other issues, I can see it’s more than that. …

[@taeminted1204]

i watch your videos and feel terrible that i thought this was 'romantic' while watching kdrama scenes. sometimes they show that it's okay, even when it's not. so thank you so much for showing people the truth, and that it's not okay. we need to stop the toxic behaviors in media before we can stop it in real life, because the media, when they romanticize abuse in any way shape or form, or say it's alright, is what can cause people to think that it is okay. i love the dramas that show the repercussions of abuse, and those that attack it head on, showing what it can do to a person and how it sticks with someone their whole life, but also shows how we can stand up to abuse and stop it. we need to spread information and how to deal with these things, not romanticize it.

[@Nirwa2002]

i just want to say thank you for bringing this up and explaining and spreading actual knowledge THANK YOU !
some people don't even know they are in a abusive relationship be it verbal or physical .
i have seen a lot of victim blaming , its everywhere i cannot stress enough on the points and description you have made here .i really appreciate your efforts

[@randomcarat4433]

Finally someone who points out seojuns toxic behaviour! I actually stopped watching after episode 9 because i felt so uncomfy!
both male leads were weird in many situations while the female lead was being portrait as naive and dumb, that really triggered me

[@itsgeyo2044]

The biggest victim blaming was myung ju going to jail for trying to save herself from her abusive husband and people being angry she only got seven years. That just made my blood boil.

[@novemberrobinson5584]

I cannot appreciate this initiative enough, this kind of thought process in engrained in so many people's mind sets, they don't realise just how many people they're hurting.
I hope this video blows up and many more people watch it and stop for the love of God, romanticizing abuse!
It isn't cute! He/she is insecure and you need to run for the hills.
Idc if you think I'm dramatic, I've lived through abuse to tell the tale and while thankfully I wasn't subjected to physical abuse, I've seen enough of it.
Please don't romanticize this kind of behavior, you'll only end up hurting yourself and them.
It's not your job to heal them.
It's not your job to stay with them out of your love.
You have a life too, and if you're not happy, always on edge, always wanting to keep your SO happy, it isn't an equal relationship bestie. You need to get out.
I understand it's easier said than done, but awareness is the first step.
And yes, for that. Victim blaming needs to stop. It's the worst form of it all. It goes against humanity on a whole. How pathetic that we look for reasons to blame the victim when they show so much strength to come forward and ask for help, just because we aren't ready to accept the abuser for who they are, and that is a horrible human being that uses the other person's love as a guise to their own sick benefit.
I wish those of you in toxic relationships lots of strength and happiness. You deserve it besties.
And yes, guys can be victims too. Don't disregard their pain just because they're guys.
And no, she wasn't asking for it because she wore a short skirt.
It's her fucking body, she'll wear whatever the hell she wants. And yet as a society, it's our job to make sure she feels safe to walk around in a neighborhood with whatever she's comfortable wearing.
Please please guys if you do this knowingly or on a more subconscious level, realise it and stop. Our society would be so much better if we focused on making the victim feel proud and safe for coming forward instead of labelling them and pinning all the blame onto them...
Let's not let the abusers get away with abuse. It's not cute.

[@marufgazi9025]

Thank you for these types of video.. very informative and unfortunately can be normalized in kdramas and media in general, if we're not made aware of these issues beforehand. I hope this video doesn't get deleted from CZcams as well.. and i hope u have a backup one🌹💯💫👏

[@chaitanyabhardwaj9391]

This is such an important topic!! I can't even imagine how much of a hard work you've put into this. Thank you!! 💓 💓 💓

[@s.o.t.s.o.t.]

Such a good video. Regretfully, lots of women are staying with their abuser voluntarily. Many of them think they own superpowers and are better then all the psychiatrists out there. Therefor they think they can change/cure their abusers. This behavior is very well portrayed in many drama's. The dramas I avoid are the Thai ones. There, toxicity is a way of life and it disgusts me.

[@shaivisoborun9451]

I'm glad you pointed it out. People need to educate themselves. There are too many dramas romanticising this kind of behaviour

[@Maya-mn8mb]

This video was so well put together - thank you for your insights into behaviours which are often dismissed or excused all in the name of 'love'

[@Aya-ef4kp]

I've been waiting for too long ...and it's WORTH IT 🧎🏻‍♀️

[@anaghaanantharaman6408]

this is a great video, thank you for shedding light on topics that often go unnoticed in the fandom and in media. youre the only kdrama youtuber who actually talks about series topics and actually recognises the toxic and abusive behavior these kdramas promote. keep up the good work

[@ashtheace7353]

Love is more dangerous than hate when it turns to obsession. Remember, everyone makes mistakes but repeating them on purpose is the wrong part. Great job to the creator of this video! People don't realise how big of a problem this is.

[@marietb]

That's not love

[@ashtheace7353]

@@marietb Yes, that's why I said when it turns to obsession. Most of the time obsession starts out as love but then, some males or females become possessive and turn the love into obsession. Obsession happens because of two reasons; love or desire to ruin someone's life, etc. Most of the time it is love. But when you love someone way too much and want to restrict everything they do, eventually making them a pet that follows orders that is what is more dangerous than hate.

[@marietb]

@@ashtheace7353 yeah, I don't call that love. Hurting someone in the name of love is not love

[@ashtheace7353]

@@marietb Yep!

[@arcade540]

They didn't love them but don't let them to love another person or the person have a happy life . sorry for bad English

[@smitharao2147]

OMG You used my suggestion Thank you ❤️
And once again thanks for bringing up this issue 💜💜

[@lockhart_9593]

Can you make one for healthy relationships?? Couples from Run On and The Beauty Inside are one of them!

[@antonellaschmidt2753]

and when the camelia blooms too

[@lockhart_9593]

@@antonellaschmidt2753 yesss 😭

[@alittlemermaid5955]

My first and ex bf was toxic af
When I decided to break up with him "which was so hard to decide" , he refused it so badly and was always telling me that he will really kill himself if I left him so I decided to stay with him cuz I couldn't imagine how would I live if someone killed himself becuz of me! He was manipulative and abused me (I was rly stupid to let that happen to me) anyways after about a month I broke up again with him cuz he didn't change as he told me
After breaking up he took his revenge :)
Now I'm scared of love nd relationships and I feel so suffocated when I think about being in a relationship again😭

[@alittlemermaid5955]

He told me no one will ever love me as much as he did, he told me not to put makeup cuz he hated when I look "more" beautiful as other boys look at me, and not to wear this or that...
He wanted me to stay in the fuckin chat so he knows I don't talk to anyone else and when I reply late he gets angry and make me feel guilty
He was about to hit me once cuz he saw me talking to another guy
He made me stop talking to all the guy friends I know and got so sad and agry when I talk to any of them lol
And moorree... wow I was REALLY STUPID

[@marihatahsineva8648]

When the weather is fine holds a really strong message ,loved this drama ,