Things Not To Say To People Who've Been in Care
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- čas přidán 25. 08. 2024
- People who have been in care hear all sorts of questions and comments about their experiences, from “Were you left on a doorstep?” to “You don’t look like your family.” Then there’s, “But you seem perfectly normal?” Here, eight people who’ve been in care talk about and challenge some of the most common assumptions made about them and their lives. And no, it's not like Tracy Beaker.
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The young woman who has to walk past her mother in the street without talking to her for risk of health and safety.. wow, that broke my heart. That poor beautiful being! I wish I could give her a huge hug! Well all of them, but moreso her!
It's her biological mother that she walks past, not just "her mother." She has a mother who raised her and loves her.
Heartbreaking
I do that with my bio father. He tried to kill my mum. ( he never went to prison) But I pretend not to know him or anyone on his family's side. It's easy for me. As I have been doing it for 20 years. They are trash ppl. So I do not feel guilty in the least.
The best answer to " Why did they give you up?" is "Why did they keep you?🤨🤔"
Id answer because i have good parents!!! Its not the best answer as someone mean can insult you more
apotato girl no really because in return they can just say they loved me
apotato girl Ooooooo yeeeeesssssssssss!!! lmao!!!
Jazmyn Gold Only if they’re smart and fast enough. A lot of people don’t have another comeback cause they don’t think you’re gonna respond. And that’s not a good response to a burn like that; of course they do love them, but the other person is basically saying “they SHOULDN’T love you, cause you’re a dick.” 😂
@@JustAFace_InTheCrowd Thanks for clearing that up! Some people didn't get my joke...
My daughter is not mine by birth but she is still my child. She does not look like me but I’ve been her father since she was only one year old & she will be 18 this October. She acts so much like me that there is no doubt that we are father & daughter.
Aww how sweet.
Dealing with a teen😂😂, i want to adopt a girl too.
You chose her, which is, arguably, more beautiful. I have 2, but I was in care, and what matters is love. DNA is the smallest part of the whole, imo. Congrats on having an awesome daughter :)
@@kui_maina Ikr? Why can't they stay little enough to need you forever? :)
The man I call Dad has been with my mom since I was 4 (I'm 34) and I will always think of him as my dad. He was the one who raised me and has taken care of me and loved me. To me that means more than ever knowing who my biological father is or having him in my life. Your daughter will view you the same way.
*straight faced* "I'm normal, I'm great, I'm killing it man" I felt that
My heart is breaking for the girl who said she passed her mum on the street and doesn’t recognise her. That must be so heartbreaking :(
Blood is not everything people. Nurture beats nature.
True dat
Not always !
I disagree
That is just not true.
Nature always wins, that's why we all eventually die.
FAMILY ISN’T BLOOD!! Family are the people who love and about you.
Jessica Holden-Cook thanks for that aleast you know
No family is blood. Whether you get on with them is a different matter.
@@jameswhiteley6843 Family is ultimately just a word that can change meaning over time. If your blood-related family loves you, this description shouldn't change anything for you anyway.
I know what you are tryna to say but like you said it wrong and some are ya know
No that’s what family means
I’m adopted and was in the foster care system, I’m one of those few lucky ones to be cared for when given up. Not everybody can say that for themselves and I appreciate the information for people who don’t realize that.
My mom always tell me:
“When you’re adopted, you grow in your mommy’s heart, not her stomach”
♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️
ScylerWolf Your mum sounds like the most amazing person! It’s so good you managed to find each other 💞
A Good Username
Like any other mother and child, of course we have our ups and downs but yes, she’s amazing!
My mom says that I was born in her heart instead of her stomach❤️❤️❤️❤️
marina svensson
I guess we have that in common ^u^ 💖
Oh, that is *precious*!
People can be really evil. Just ignore them, they’re ignorant.
My mother was a drug abuser, killed herself when I was 12 y.o. and my father was an alcoholic. I rarely saw them because I was so lucky to grew up with my lovely grandmother, who had the biggest heart. I learned so much from her about charity and 1000 other things. I always heard from neighbors or other people who met me for the first time: " Oh, you must be so thankfull that you can live with her!" Yes, I was. But my biggest whish as a child was to have a normal family and feel normal...
God bless grandma's like yours
"Do you want to find your birth mom??!" No. Many people who are adopted don't want to find their birth parents because their parents for the most part are loving and everything to them.
Yes! I said that too :)
I have a sperm donor and I’m very curious to meet him
*mum lol sorry I had to
So, do adopted kids resent their birth family or...?
The only reason I decided to find my bio-Mother was because it was my REAL Mothers idea for me to do so, otherwise I never would have. I was adopted at 6 weeks old so I didn't know anything different. I was also never in foster care so I have no experience with that either. The only issue I ever had that bothered me was growing up I never had any information when asked by a doctor if I had any family history of............and I didn't know. Fortunately at my age now I am aware of a family history of heart problems. Including my Bio-Mother. That information is helpful.
“If you’re bad, you’re gonna move.” I felt that one oml, I got caught breaking a rule at one of my placements when I was 14 and the first thing I said was “I’m getting moved out of here for this, aren’t I?” My social worker pulled up later that day and I got moved 😂
Bri Bell I am so sorry and it makes me so angry that this stuff happens. People really need to understand what it takes to look after a child, whether they're a foster carer or a parent. It is (or it damn well should be) the same thing in practice. It doesn't matter if the child breaks this or that "rule" or does whatever you don't approve of. Children need to be and feel supported. Love must be unconditional, not dependent on the child's behaviour. I hope more grown ups start to understand that (especially if thinking about fostering), so children can actually get all the support they need to thrive.
I hope you are doing well now.
Some times you move and you don't know about it until it happens.
Children’s homes don’t really care about their residents, do they? They just care about the rules.
My brother is adopted and I loathe him just as much as I do my biological sister. Siblings are siblings. Blood doesn’t matter.
Loathe?
sarah steward Hate
I was in foster care. Some of these things are really said, it's hurtful
I can relate to you. I spent six years in the system
Me too it was bad 😭
Same here I was lucky I was with my brother
Not adopted, but my father was never around. He lived close, but had another family. I can’t say I have any love for him, so I get the, not wanting to meet their birth parents. Like one girl said, the love you gain for your parents is love you’ve received from them.
My son was adopted against my will and I hope that he would want to meet me because I've wanted him forever
That's awful, I hope you find eachother
Thats awful
Sorry to hear! I hope that it would take less time these days due to DNA.
my baby brother is adopted and we were foster carers before and one thing i can say about foster kids is they are so resilient. i mean we had a 7 year old once who had been passed around all his life. never met a real steady family and he never cried, never complained.
Nothing says “I’m confused” like me trying to sleep in the winter. Heater on, fan blowing, window cracked, under 13 blankets with one foot out
😂 my husband too!
Lmfao, that's me to a T. Just don't add watching a scary movie into the mix because the covers save you from any harm, and I'm notorious for one leg under and one leg on top when watching something scary. I've run out of legs.
Big mood, confused me
Some of the comments on this are so dumb. These videos are a comedic way to share insight into a situation not everyone has experienced. Nobody is trying to 'control what you say', jfc it's not that deep.
The thing that annoys me about these videos is the way that it groups everyone together in two categories (in this case adopted and not) and implies that their experiences are different. Some adopted people have families that really care about them and some non adopted child don’t have families that care about them.
Ba Bomb not that deep
@@babomb2146 People who have been in the foster system can't help but have different experiences to those who haven't. They have that experience, others don't. Not that deep.
"You don't look like your family"
Too. Relateable.
I’ve never had that actually. Someone thought that my mom was my grandma though.-.
I always got the question "was it because you were naughty"!!!
That drove me insane
OMG that's so inconsiderate and stupid
YES!!!!! and I always got “are your parents dead, or didn’t they love you” 😡😡
Kim Picot They’re the dumb kid that there parents would say if you’re bad I’ll give you up for adoption
me and tracy we're like that 🤞🏻 made me laugh way too much lmaooo
Please BBC3 I will keep asking please do a Things Not To Say to people with Dyspraxia. I have the condition and I am passionate about educating people about and It and there are so many misconceptions and stuff that people think and it is a lesser known condition that people don't really know about.
I second this !
One of my best friends has Dyspraxia and he's always a joker when it comes to his condition (lucky it isn't very intense). Lots of missed 'high fives' in amongst other incredibly innaporpriatte humour
I'm interested in learning about this as well.
True, but they never address what you COULD ask, if you're looking to understand someone's condition, now do they?
Lucy Preece what do people say? My son has dyspraxia but other than people not knowing what it is nobody has ever said anything (that I know of) but his is very mild xx
I knewwww a Tracy beaker reference was coming up .
That girl in the yellow checked shirt is literally soooo pretty!
Jade Kelly and funny
@@SSJPENGUIN "Tracy Beaker and I are 🤞 like that"
Very touching & actually helpful. Thank you very much for opening up on sensitive topics to educate others.
*I am normal. I'm great. I'm killing it, man.* lol
My little brother is adopted, and he's very different from us in a lot of ways. He's got a different body type and tends to lean toward different interests, but in all honesty I don't think it matters, because I love him with all my heart and I've known him since he was half a year old. It breaks my heart when he starts saying he doesn't belong with us, I always talk him through it and we usually end that conversation just messing around, but some of the stuff he says scares me, I hate to see him hurting like that. He's planning on trying to contact his birthmother when he's 18, and I really hope he can get some closer on that.
I went from my abusive birth family, to many abusive foster homes, and adopted by parents who were more abusive than all the other families I've ever been with, being in care and being adopted isn't as great as people make it to be. after 30 years I did get to meet my birth mother, I was hoping it would have been like those reunions where the mother hugs her child and cries, and ya that didn't happen but she was nice, so that's something.
Jesus. I’m so sorry.
I hate it when people ask why parents give you up. The police took us away because our parents is very ill
lambird treasure island I am sorry to hear that.
"Aren't you grateful"
You know for being treated like a human child. The questions people ask you are a reflection of how they think or feel.
My middle school band teacher was an Asian man adopted by a couple with a Scottish last name (I’ve never met his parents but he explained it to us) and I really didn’t care. He is such a sweet man and very passionate about music.
A lot of times I dont understand the names of these videos. I thought "care" means they've been treated in a hospital or something.
'in care' is just how we tend to say raised in foster care/the childcare system in the UK
Same here. Nothing wrong with the words adoption or foster care.
You're probably not English then.
I’m from the uk and I thought that to lmao
@@blindpeopledostuff3587 being in care just means foster care. people in care may go on to be adopted, but not always
I used to work in a children’s home. I WISH it’d been like Tracey Beaker.
My mum has 4 kids. 3 of them are in care. Not because she left us on a doorstep or something but because she couldn’t cope with having two kids that were at the time undiagnosed with adhd, autism, dyslexia, ocd, bipolar or bpd (not sure which) and one that was just quiet and strange. She fought for years to get us back home and no one listened to her. My brothers have been in around 4/5 foster homes and the one they’re currently in they’ve been in for years which I’m so grateful for their foster carers they can be a lot of work especially brothers. I however have been in 20+ foster homes and got kicked out of multiple homes and schools all because I went to a new foster home thinking I was going to get kicked out within a week. I got abused in some and no one would move me but I had some I loved and still talk to and see because they’ve done so much for me and they’ve given me a roof over my head and food and clothes and got me on the track with college and getting jobs. I understand people ask these questions but you don’t know what’s happened in their life with their parents. They could’ve been abused or had parents with addictions or mental health problems and that’s sometimes hard to talk about. I’m quite happy explaining my past with people if they have questions and most of the time people say “it’s ok if you don’t want to talk about this” which is called having respect. So just remember that a person who is adopted or fostered might have a past they don’t want to talk about just yet and people need to respect the fact that they have a past and give them time and show them trust and love and respect their boundaries (if they don’t like being touched, don’t touch them etc). Its fine asking these questions but make sure that the person looks comfortable answering them and their body language is telling you that they’re happy answering it and always ask if it’s ok if you ask these questions because you don’t know what memories you could be bringing up for that person.
After being through domestic abuse with my father, my mother is emotionally abusive. Right now Ive got a social worker and in a few months if it doesn’t work out I’m gonna go into foster care. I’m terrified about going into care but I don’t know what would be worse. She said “you’re gonna ruin everyone’s life”. Like what do they expect me to do?!
"i wish i was adopted" --------" i wish i had something i could use as a token (for my) personality instead of actually having a personality!!"
I love being adopted! I was cross culturally adopted at 8 months old in South Africa. It's insane how much I can really resonate with most of these questions. I had no idea that these questions where so common amongst the adoption community.
This is so accurate. I friggin hated being around people who knew I was in care cause they were so vicious. I used to get "at least my family wanted me" all the time growing up..
I'm in Foster care its sad at times but mostly amazing all new opportunities
Do social anxiety!!
Luna Lovegood
Yes! Yes! YES!!!!
YES
Yes..please, yes
I always get asked how is was a orphanage but was never in a orphanage
0:54 I love her 😂
In America you can legally leave a baby at the hospital or fire department, i thought it was like that everywhere
That's awful
@@Hijtan Most are, yes
Wooow
In Ireland as of 2019 its legal to kill ur baby :(
Also in Italy and I think it's a great thing. If you don't or can't grow your child in the best way possible you can leave him/her in protected places, like in heated baby cot outside of hospitals.
Not everyone who is in care is adopted, a lot of people in care see their biological parents
Wich is just more confusing to be honest...
Sydney Arden no foster parents take care of you. They can also before parents without adoption
Sydney Arden No, I’ve been in Care that’s not how it works. You have a foster carer who you live with, then, depending on then circumstances, you have ‘contact’ with your biological parents. This is often supervised and limited to a certain amount of hours. Foster care and adoption are not the same thing
Sailor Pandora why?
Cara Cara I was in the care system for 11 years and was also fostered, but for the circumstances under my control, I was sent back to care!!!!
I was sort of in care when I was younger as I lived with my Grandma on my Mum's side, along with my Mum's brother's two sons when I was younger. Everyone at school thought it was really weird that I lived with my cousins, Chris and Darren, and my Grandma, rather than my parents. I also don't know why I moved in with my Grandma, as my parents never explained to me, although I'm pretty sure it was something to do with my Dad being an alcoholic (can't be sure though). My cousins, on the other hand, knew that they were completely abandoned by their Dad (my Mum's brother), so Chris lived with our Grandma, and then moved into his own place when she died, Tasha never lived with our Grandma, as she was put straight into care, and Darren lived with our Grandma and then was put into care, so I do completely understand what people in care go through, as my entire generation in my family have been through it in one way or another.
I didnt quite know what "been in care" meant when I first read this.....Here in the US we just say adopted.....I love these videos.....helps to learn about stuff
BBC Three - Care and adoption are very different experiences. The title of this video only mentions ‘care’ and it is painfully apparent that the individuals in within it are talking about adoption. It is insensitive to those who’ve been in care, particularly long term care, however never adopted, such as myself.
Mate i was in the video i appreciate what ya tryna say but really i would still consider that care you have a SW and that i was in residential and secure some were foster some eventually adopted even rest bite is a form of care so i see what you are tryna say but i kinda don't at the same time
Adoption isn’t care. Care refers to foster care and children’s homes where the local authority is your legal guardian. Adoption is what is being spoken about in this video - where caring adult(s) become your legal parents. Children in long term foster care or children’s homes can only dream of adoption. The two offer completely different levels and lengths of support.
YES! Absolutely this!
@@rebeccawilliams9051 if you've had both, then both relate to you. But to anybody who has only had one or the other, it's different. One of them you end up part of a family, the other you don't or you only get to join a family temporarily if you get fostered.
As someone who was fostered from 3 months til 18... i don't see the problem? The black girl in this I know and she also wasn't adopted...
Please do things not to say to people who were home schooled
Fiona Boyle YES YES YES
ya girl is homeschooled
Yes
Fiona Boyle YES IM HOME SCHOOLED
Family isn't about blood, I hate when people say that blood is thicker than water because that is not that actual saying. the full quote is 'blood of the covenant is thicker than waters of the womb' basically meaning that you can have a stronger bond with those who are not blood related to you.
I'm not adopted but I do know that when I am in a more stable financial situation that I want to adopt a child and give them the home and love that they deserve. (I am currently at uni, so not in the position to adopt a child yet).
As a kid a few times other kids to be mean would say to me no wonder why your mum gave you up I would have too. That used to get to me a bit
I'm so sorry s they said that to you. Incredibly terrible.
Same. Still hurts to think about it
@@Moving_on_2 it sure does. Take care of yourself hun x
Loool my mums a foster mum and im not gonna lie our house IS like the tracy beaker house with all the different personalities & children and were all one big happy family☺️❤️❤️
Sometimes water is thicker than blood.
People misuse that saying all the time. The real one makes more sense, and says exactly what you're saying. "The blood of the covenant(agreement) is thicker than the water of the womb" meaning the people you choose are the ones linked to you more than those linked by birth.
If that isn't the damned coolest most accurate thing I've seen anyone comment all week then I was raised in a nuclear family.
This video hits home for me due to recent events that happened to me
If your reading this have a good day! Its almost the weekend.
you too brother
So wholesome!
I love this, have a nice weekend bro.
It’s past the weekend
No it's Sunday night for me 😂
I can relate because I was in care and I’d get asked if I live with my parents and I say no. They ask me why I don’t with parents and it’s hard to explain the whole situation because they might get confused and they are ignorant.
Also, when I lived at the children’s home called Westbrook, the school staff wouldn’t refer it as home . They just think that you have to live with parents to call it home where you can have someone else to take the responsibly to look after a child or young person to help your biological parents and this could be for different reasons for each individual. You can’t judge the person unless you ask them. Thanks for sharing. 😊
Did they call it "The Unit"? I hated that, like I was a science experiment or something. Sucks man, sorry you had to feel that way ever. I hope things are good for you :)
get motivated yes they called it Unit or just Westbrook. I can understand how you felt by this situation. Thank you for your empathy, things are going okay. Hope for you too! 😊
I’m adopted and I relate to this so much
One of my favourite quotes is "Family need not be define by those with whom you share your blood, but by those for whom you would give your blood"
I only know these things because my mom was a social worker for 19 years before she found her true passion
I knew Tracy beaker was gonna be mentioned 😂😂
I had a friend who was adopted and one year at camp and the fact that she was adopted was brought up(forget how) but this little girl no older than 6 just randomly went, "does that mean your parents didn't love you?" my friend was were really nice about it especially since the girl didn't know any better. But we actually had a good laugh about that afterwards.
I was talking to a guy (with intention to possibly date) and when I talked about how I (who was in foster care and adopted) wanted to foster and adopt. One of the first things he said was "I could never love a child that's not mine." Around then, I pretty much lost all interest lol.
also, some kids are taken away, not given up
That blonde lady needs to help me learn how to do my makeup and that lady beside her rocks that snakeskin shirt
I loved this video, really shocks me to hear the horrible things people say to people who have been in care! Please do a video on what not to say to people who have ADHD :)
Not adopted but raised my my grandma because my mother wasn’t capable and my dad wasn’t willing. When I was 9 my mother died so I can relate to the invasive questions. “Where’s your mom and dad?” “How did she die” “do you want to know your dad?” Etc
BBC3 - Just some helpful insight...For me the background music really took away from the video.
I can relate. I spent six years in the foster system.
I've been asked a lot of these questions. Some dont bother me. Some questions do. When people insist they know more than me is what annoying.
Guy in the brown shirt sounds like tan france 😂
I myself have not been in care but I was raised in an abusive home and always prayed to be taken away, I know that sound bad but it is the truth. I think when I get the chance I will adopt a child or two. I want them to feel safe and loved. I know the feeling of not being wanted so those are the ones I would want to take in, the "undesirables".
Sometimes it’s really dumb question that people ask lol 😂
At the end of the day, family is not determined by who you share blood with but those who love and care about you as a person.
The people in the comment section saying this is policing them from saying what they want to say are ridiculous. "Stop telling me not to say mean and ignorant things to vulnerable people". Like what? What kind of logic is that? Why would you want to say these things? Why is it so wrong for someone to tell you to be careful about what you say to others? Are y'all "too cool" to be considerate or something?
loveee the 'things not to say" videos! I wish i was a part of this somehow, I got plenty to say!
This is a really good one!! Relatable!
Things not to say to people who don’t want children.
That's a good one! I never say anything about it because you never know if it's a personal choice or if it's circumstances that have caused the situation to be like that. It's too personal to ask about, yet we all go around asking about people's kids all the time. It's a strange one. It's really stupid that society thinks that everyone wants children by default. I mean, we don't even know if the majority of people do, nevermind everyone. Not having any should be the default, and choosing to have them should get a thing. "Choosing not to" is just a weird way to look at it imo, you aren't opting out of some set stage of life, you just aren't opting in lol. Shouldn't be anything weird about it, I feel weird when people tell me, it's like I'm not expecting you to, so nobody should be asking about it past "no, I'm not having any."
get motivated I’m choosing not to have kids because I got better things to do with my life and having kids would stop me. But I get people telling me I’m selfish, I’ll regret it, it’s my duty to have kids etc
Some people just don't understand that the family you choose is so much more powerful and special than the family you’re born into. Of course, these often overlap, but it should also expand over the years. There are people out there who aren’t related to you at all and have no obligation to support you in life, but they do anyway without inhibition and there are few things more beautiful than that. Some people can’t understand that, and I feel sorry for them. They’ll never know love that is free and loves for the sake of loving, not because of blood ties and obligation. Any relationship in which there is love is as good as family, and a family without love is just an unfortunate gathering of genes. So don’t come after people whose parents chose to love them without cause when you can only experience superficial love yourself.
You have to do "things not to say to people with ADHD"
Sara Malene Iversen I agree I have ADHD
Yesssss
I have ADHD
I can’t wait to adopt when I’m older.
Iddi (the one in the grey jumper) used to go to my high school! I still see him on his bike sometimes and his art is still in the corridors
I don't know if it's the same thing, but this video is very important to me because my mom and 3 of my firends are adopted. So thanks :)
We all should be grateful to our parents
I thought it meant care as in looking after elderly or vulnerable people, that would be a good vid tho
i am so guilty of the tracey beaker one!! lol i always wanted be like her😭😭
I have a friend who's adopted and when ever someone asks "Why did they give you up" she turns around with a serious face and says "They died" and that usually stops the convp
I remember always getting "you don't like your in care" or "you don't seem like a kid in care"
They should do one about people who’ve been in inpatient clinics!
The girl in the plaid though 😂😂😂
First let me start off by saying that this video made me extremely depressed because I am adopted and the questions that was being asked are questions I think about like “why don’t my parents love me”? Why couldn’t I stay? Was I that bad you had to give me away? And the one question that really hurts is if my mother didn’t want me what makes you think anyone else would or care about me? I just count the minutes until others will give up one me, it’s just a matter of time until they will.
i clicked on this vid bc i didn't know what "in care" meant but i did not regret it. i have an adopted cousin and i would love to adopt when im older and financially and emotionally stable enough. rant time but my adopted cousin (15) is having trouble at her new school now over being adopted bc its a bunch of preppy white kids whove never had a true trouble in their life. my aunt & uncle are trying to find a solution since they moved cities to buy a house a year ago rather than an apartment to have more space for her. they only adopted her 2 years ago so theyre all new to it and the kids at the school all ask those questions and are really mean abt it, and we all know how middle schoolers can be :/ anyways i cant directly relate but i feel for my cousin whos dealing with this rn
The girl in yellow has a great sense of humor :D
As a foster child I find this so relatable 🤣🤣
Living in a care home compared foster care they at the opposite ends of the scale . I have experienced both and I think Forster care really saves kids ! I will always be greatful for my awesome foster carers . Such beautiful loving hearts .
Please do a Things Not To Say To People Who Self Harm
It's such a taboo subject that needs to be talked about more - and it would be great to see some men, poc and older people talking about their struggles with it rather than just young white girls
The greatest thing in life is luving a child that isn't yours t then have them as yours 💕
Wow. I'm adopted but it doesn't bug me. I'm sorry it is rough for some people.
I had to put my daughter up for adoption. People really look down on that, shuts a lot of people up. Thank God she's with her father's family
Y'all should do a "Things not to say to people with Mydraisis" video.
Just so maybe a few less people will immediately ask if we're on drugs.
Or demand an answer as to why I have sunglasses on in Walmart because I cannot be the only person who thinks their lights are made specially to kill my eyes.
Family come in all shape and sizes
When the cops deal with u when ur in care is polar opposite to when u we’re living at “home”