Strike when the iron is cold: the importance of waiting for your moment
Vložit
- čas přidán 23. 05. 2024
- I haven't had a single heated argument with anyone since adopting this tactic years ago. Contrary to popular belief, the most appropriate time to bring up certain issues may not be when they feel most emotionally salient. By striking when the iron is cold, people can increase the likelihood of being heard and bypassing defensiveness. In this episode, I discuss the importance of waiting for your moment.
Pre-order my book: amzn.to/3UlsTsY
Book a paid consultation:
oriontarabanpsyd.com/consulta...
Subscribe to my newsletter: oriontarabanpsyd.com
Social Media
Facebook: profile.php?id=1...
LinkedIn: / orion-taraban-070b45168
Instagram: / psyc.hacks
Twitter: / oriontaraban
Website: oriontarabanpsyd.com
Orion's Theme: • Enrico Deiana - Orion'...
Thinking of going to grad school? Check out STELLAR, my top-rated GRE self-study program based on the world's only empirically-validated test prep system. Use the code "PSYCH" for 10% off all membership plans: stellargre.com.
Become a Stellar affiliate and earn a 10% commission for every membership purchased by a new student you conduct into the program: stellargre.tapfiliate.com.
GRE Bites: / @grebites4993
Become a Psychonaut and join PsycHack's member community:
/ @psychacks
Sound mixing/editing by: valntinomusic.com
Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world.
#psychology #relationship #love
I haven't had a single heated argument with anyone since adopting this tactic years ago. Contrary to popular belief, the most appropriate time to bring up certain issues may not be when they feel most emotionally salient. By striking when the iron is cold, people can increase the likelihood of being heard and bypassing defensiveness. In this episode, I discuss the importance of waiting for your moment.
Pre-order my book: amzn.to/3UlsTsY
Book a paid consultation:
oriontarabanpsyd.com/consultations
Subscribe to my newsletter: oriontarabanpsyd.com
Social Media
Facebook: facebook.com/profile.php?id=100090053889622
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/orion-taraban-070b45168/
Instagram: instagram.com/psyc.hacks
Twitter: twitter.com/oriontaraban
Website: oriontarabanpsyd.com
Orion's Theme: czcams.com/video/WrXBzQ2HDEQ/video.html
Thinking of going to grad school? Check out STELLAR, my top-rated GRE self-study program based on the world's only empirically-validated test prep system. Use the code "PSYCH" for 10% off all membership plans: stellargre.com.
Become a Stellar affiliate and earn a 10% commission for every membership purchased by a new student you conduct into the program: stellargre.tapfiliate.com.
GRE Bites: www.youtube.com/@grebites4993
Become a Psychonaut and join PsycHack's member community:
czcams.com/channels/SduXBjCHkLoo_y9ss2xzXw.htmljoin
Sound mixing/editing by: valntinomusic.com
Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world.
#psychology #relationship #love
Will do a signed copy of your new book?
It would be good to know how you discovered some of these insights. Like this one in particular. This one seems like you have to walk the line a few times to see the world so clearly. But this is beautifully said regardless. 👌
Will your book be available in Paperback??
Take it from me, "vengeance is a dish best served cool" ~ so much more delicious when precisely delivered while so galvanizing of your soul until you strike. Gives something for the mind to grind against into a piercing diamond into your aponents consciousness. 😎
"I haven't had a single headed argument with anyone since adopting this tactic years ago."
You set the bar very high, friend. I really like that, its inspiring, thank you.
this man needs a medal for services to the community
Many people do. A lot of people have lost and been taken from, we all deserve compassion and respect.
Orion is cold
💯💯
🏆❤️
Agreed. He’s a national treasure.
For the sake of clarity: Strike when the iron is cold does NOT mean you should say "We need to talk" hours or days before you address an issue. It warms the iron. They ready their defenses. Just breach the subject out of the blue and push the conversation forward.
"The truth doesn't rust..."
Gold...
… which also doesn’t rust
This Man is a legend, He's giving us free therapy, and perspective at no cost
CZcams pays him and the channel works as an amplifier for him. IT´s easier to write a book sicne he is alreay known. - Barely anything is free.
His advice is worth way, way more than the couple of years I spent on therapy.
free to the people who watch
"Do not chase people down after they have behaved badly."
Wish I had this at 18 lol. Great video, picked up a thing or two.
The “when they come back” is the important part. Like he said, “if they don’t come back, let them go.” Throughout my life I’ve always been the one to try and start the repair process when blame clearly has fallen on the other side. I guess I need to take a closer look in the mirror and ask myself why I pursue these relationships. Scared of abandonment maybe?
When she consistently does not apologize after obvious bad behaviors, you know the relationship is f*cked.
That is true and as a biologist I can share some light on why it is like that:
When anyone is under intense emotion, amigdala (part of the brain that feels) is activated and a compound named cortisol is released into the brain. All nice and well, except for a tiny detail. Cortisol inhibits (reduces) the activity of the prefrontal cortex (part of the brain that thinks, and its literally every thought or decisionmaking that originates here).
While amigdala is so active the cortisol will keep blocking thinking part of the brain, even after the dust has settled a bit (cortisol needs time to "decompose" in the brain), and then and only then can person once again think racionally.
So it is not that people under high of emotions, dont want to engage in solving problem logicali, they CAN'T
Just to add an example: when you're out partying, and you start to really enjoy yourself, you wont care what others think of you and will have no problem acting in a way you would usually not do it. That is amigdala being active and cortex being blocked by cortisol.
Even when you return to your room and everything is silent and nothing is happening around you, you'll still fell all excited and hyped. That is cortisol still blocking the thinking part of the brain. But when you're in your empty and silent room for like 40 more minutes, you wont really feel like jumping up and down anymore. That is cortisol decomposing and cortex at long last finally regaining control over amigdala, as before it was the other way around.
And that is how it is with every emotion
(Side note; it is an oversimplification to some extend, but that's what's happening.)
Professor of clinical psychology here....great explanation ....wish more people understood this
Funny you write this. I just came to this realization a few months ago myself. It’s SO important to understand this concept, as most poor decisions are made while under intense emotions.
That’s why practicing stoicism is paramount to living a stress free abundant life
All they have to do is walk in and live their truth AT ALL TIMES.
So are you saying people have no free will? Just trying to gage the extent of your argument
The best example I've ever personally seen of this. Was when I witnessed a road rage incident. Two cars pulled over, the one guy jumped out pumped up and ready to fight. The other guy nonchalantly got out of his car, whilst talking on his cell phone with a dead pan, unphased look on his face. He motioned to the angry road raging man, with an out stretch ''stop'' ''hold on'' gesture as he continued his conversation on his cell phone. Sorting saying, 'hold on buddy, I'll deal with you in a moment'' The road rage guy's anger just fizzled out and he got back into his car, humiliated and drove off 😂 I got the feeling that calm guy, that defused the situation was probably a Marine or an MMA fighter (and that the other guy was lucky to get out unscathed) ....Hands down, the best ''holding of emotional framing'' I've EVER witnessed 😎
Smooth
I used to do this in my relationships with women. I did not want to talk about issues in an emotional state or when I was very tired. It made a lot more sense to me to discuss vital issues when we were both more calm and rational. Needless to say this did NOT go over well at all. I was accused of avoiding issues or shutting down the conversation. Seems like women don't want to talk about things unless they can be emotional at the same time. One of the many reasons I have given up on relationships.
The problem with this is that some women simply get mad when we treat them silently.
Same shit has happened to me, bro.
Just tell them clearly your plans. "Hey babe, I don't want to talk about this now while we're both angry and could say hurtful things. We can talk tomorrow at 3pm, I'll pick you up for a walk and coffee and we can talk about it then." Clearly state your plans. Otherwise it feels so invalidating, waiting for nothing, hopeless.
So you've become a "pathetic weasel" (Jordan Peterson)? How dare you!
@@taghazoutmoon5031 good advice for all.
It is unfortunate that you must essentially be a tactician and choose your moment strategically in order to have a productive conversation. Grateful for the info, thank you!
This reminds me of a meme I came across recently whereas it stated: “When you’re being yelled at and you waiting for them me to finish so you can hit them with facts.”
You could choose to either have just your voice heard or to have your points listened to.
Timing is everything
STRONGEST sentence ever - "you could either have your voice HEARD or your points LISTENED to" 🤯🤯🤯🤯
🎯
I learned that this technique is most effective to expose a candidate who is completely unwilling or unable to face reality/ tough issues and thankfully weeded them out so I didn't waste time and effort on the ones who have great surface level presentation skills.
Pick your spots, cut your losses. The last relationship I was in my companion made the comment that I never was upset or angry and didn’t argue. I told her that if something was worth arguing over I would state my case, point and issue when it can be discussed with clarity when both parties are in a receptive frame of mind.
Got told I was cold and heartless because I didn't get angry and spoke respectfully to her when she was very disrespectful to me.
@@Richard_AKL same 😂 but it's her loss 😎
@@Richard_AKL --- She was upset with you because you deprived her of a major drama she was hoping to get.
Agents of chaos disagree
The truth doesn't rust
I like that one
Sometimes you can strike at the perfect time and in the best way, but the person just doesn't care about hurting you.
He also mentioned that the advice in that case is for you to evaluate if you should keep that person/relationship
@@Uzkadi89 it's really hard when the emotional investment is high and they've been using hot and cold tactics for years
@@Uzkadi89 let's say we do not have another choice, for example when a crazy woman you left pursue you. And so?
@brielcantor A scarcity mindset is revealed here. There are more eligible ladies in the world than ever. If it's not working and effort to improve isn't reciprocated, more bad experiences are inevitable.
@@AlwaysEverNow let's put what doesn't matter apart and consider the hypothesis while we wait for the response.
“I’m not wrong, that’s just how I feel” prevention tactics.
Excellent advise dear doctor.
This said once the iron is cold and emotions have deescalated, the narcissistic person will show you what a resentful unforgiving person you are, pulling out a cold case out of your imagination to spoil such a lovely moment
he's absolutely right. our emotions get in our way. control it or it will control you.
Never clicked so fast on a CZcams video. Thank you Dr. Taraban for your incredible content!
Just make sure you aren't spending your life clicking to just get cheap dopamine hits. Do not forget to take action and live!!
This tactic of avoiding serious discussions whilst in an emotionally charged state or with an emotionally charged person, is GOLD. it is difficult to master but with practice you solve far more problems than you create.
As a young man I've asked this question out loud for years, "When is the right time to bring up a problem?" without a clear answer, and have struggled over it. You answer that question exactly here - easily one of your best videos.
Thank you Taraban, this is one is going straight into the Manual of Life
babe wake up! wake up! new PsycHacks!
This rings in my head every time he uploads a video. I just get excited 😊
An absolute gold-mine of wisdom is how I would describe this channel.
Sweet Lord Jesus 😢
I find myself having to rewind after every 2 minutes.....simply cos this man keeps dropping every single line like a golden jedi master nugget.
Every line wrapped delicately in profound sense and brings with it consistent moments of "hmmmm", "uhm hmm", "oh wow" .
How can one man make soo much sense, and have soo much wisdom.
God Bless you Mr Orion. Your source of knowledge and inspiration will not go dry.🎉🎉🎉
This is top notch messag right here. Very practical, very applicable.
The truth doesn't rust, love it
I endeavor to use this principle when it comes to making decisions as well. If I am overly tired, annoyed, or whatever, then I wait until I am feeling centered and rested again, if possible.
This deserves a re-watch. An extension of the oft-mentioned "We''ll talk after you've calmed down"
I love it when you deal with topics like this rather than dating advice
"the truth doesn't rust.."
Very true!
This man improves and saves lives 💯🔥👌🏽🎯 he is always on target
Great advice for dealing with normal people. I'd wager there are many people high in neuroticism (eg. BPD) or dishonesty (eg. Psychopaths), who will not demonstrate recognition that they have crossed a line, or will not recognize that they messed up when they calm down. For some of these people, striking when the iron is hot may be the only way to get them to even remember what it is they did to facilitate a discussion, or they may quickly revert to a heightened emotional state, when you bring up the issue later.
Gottman's work certainly suggests that it IS important to bring up issues, and that there is a typical expiration date (2 weeks maybe?) for when those issues can reasonably be discussed. With some people, that's quite the constraint. 2 weeks may not be enough time.
Of course, with those people, my rule of thumb is that you're better off without them in your life, because they're functionally incapable of normal adult relationships for a multitude of reasons.
If you were raised by emotionally immature parents and had to constantly attend to their needs it sets you up for a lifetime of issues that put you at a disadvantage in relationships.
Saw this video pop up on the day it was released, but never got around to watching it. All of this information would have been really helpful a couple of days ago, but I slept on it. Lesson learned.
When she's feeling bad emotions, strike when the iron is cold. When she's feeling good emotions, strike when the iron is hot
"The right word is wasted if it's delivered at the wrong moment."
Needed this, because I have a letter to my ex ready. Waiting for the right moment, but difficult to know when that is hehe. 😄😅
Don’t give it to her, you’ll regret it, move on.
@@KyleMcDermott3 exactly,don’t
The doc has an entire episode about exactly this matter. Let go with love. It's the only way to let go.
one of your best videos imo. I've read about anger management and conflict resolution. The more I hear it the easier it gets.....thank you
Strike when the iron is cold.
Wait for the moment, then grab your pepperspray and use it.
That is funny. My ex would pepper spray me a lot.I understand this is a (walking away) good tactic but it does not work with mentally ill adults. My ex had a serious mental illness (BPD) and a massive alcoholic. When I walk away from fights, she would feel abandonment. She fed on drama and abuse. I would be beaten often, often unprovoked by anything (ie- being hit while asleep). So I got sucked in for 7 months until I realized there was nothing inside her except a broken little girl. So- don’t try being an adult with these mentally ill people. They are not ready. They need other help first just to get a baseline.
@@heavysighs -- I was married to one such crazy lady but I could not escape because we had 2 kids.
It’s true: Commonsense isn’t so common anymore.
I’m glad he’s here to teach this.
I’m sad that it has to be taught
Common sense has never been common.
How do people ever learn anything if it wasn't taught? Being sad over something normal and necessary, it use to be taught more often by parents and family.
Great video. "The truth never rusts" = words to live by
Some times there is no iron. Sometimes it is shit. Better not strike it hot or cold. Better to walk away.
I am an engineer. As an engineer, my job is to fix problems. All too often, I rush in to fix something that is clearly not my problem. Leaning into age 60, it's still a challenge to just walk away and leave the problematic individual in the mire of their own creation. As the younger folks like to remind us "not my circus, not my monkeys."
Possibly the most useful channel on youtube for me, I think this man is an absolute genius. His videos are filled with useful, and practical advice that you can start using to improve your interactions right away.
For example, the importance of tone when speaking with women. Thanks to Orion's video, I learned how tone is so much more important to women. Its the form, not the substance, which matters the most to them. The exact opposite of myself. I remind myself of this constantly, extremely helpful!
Good luck to all of you.
Thank you Dr. Taraban. You’ve helped me grow as a man and as a person. More than you’ll ever know
Emotion begets emotion.
Women multiply what you give them so don’t give them grief
Excellent advice. I knew it already, but really needed to be reminded. I'm bookmarking this one and will come back regularly for reminders.
I took about a decade to work all this out. This is an all-time classic from Dr. O.
Dr Orion, I greatly appreciate the advice you have given to all of us, myself included. I honestly have an issue with confronting people about their wrongdoings because I hate exhibiting passive-aggressive behavior. Now I am going to do things differently and wait to see if they care that they hurt my feelings after telling them about it initially. Thanks, a lot.
One of my favorite channels lately. Please write a book or books on the topics discussed.
this is good to hear because it's been my default strategy. in extreme cases, I've had to excuse myself and say "let me come back once I've got my head together. I won't be long." The few exceptions were spectacular failures. One in particular was providing feedback to a partner who had been exceptionally cruel to children on a family visit. I took it up with her in the most empathetic, inquiring, fact-based, non-accusatory way I could after the trip, when the iron was cool, but she had not asked for the feedback. of course this was the first thing she told me before a solid week of silence, outbursts, vitriolic criticism and sleeping apart. when I realized that she felt free to criticize me, with belittling language and angry tones, at any time in front of anybody, I eventually got it together and moved that relationship to a close. postscript: the recent episode on shaping behavior has me wondering to what extent I may have been accidentally encouraging this bad behavior in this person and others. lots of food for thought.
You’re always on time!! Amazing!!
Taraban is a real G.
This is pure gold. Thank you for posting, Mr. Teraban.
Оріоне, дякую! Найкращій канал!
This video couldn’t have come at a better time. Thank you, Orion
Your content is only getting better and more valuable, great job Orion
This was particularly valuable video Dr. T.; thank you.
Great concepts as always and this stellar gre sounds amazing...mr perfect score deserves happiness and good things! My new favorite saying is "Truth doesn't rust"
I tried this the other day, and I blocked and ignored until he was ready to talk- usually I fire back, and text fight alllll day! But I didn’t and it was such a nice feeling. Felt accomplished and proud.
I totally agree with not taking the firey tongue and spilling out more fuel to the fire of anger!
I myself and my personality type tend to hold back and let the person let out there steam and wait until the melt down becomes a bit cooled off.
When people you love hurt eachother with words that deliver such thrust and pain, it is best to be quiet and listen and filter what is being said towards you.
Say your peace later!
Timing is everything
❤😂
Great advice. thank you Dr. Taraban
You give us so much value, that i spend the last minute of the video every time, so that your watch through stats are better!
That might be some of the best advice I've heard on the subject. Thank you.
Thank you for the psyhack Orion!
Thank you for these priceless advices.
This will save lengthen and preserve and fortify so many relationships
This is in your top 5 best videos you've ever put out on this channel. Applicable to almost anyone! Excellent 👌
Good de-escalation technique:
Speak slowly and softly.
This was a good reminder. I've been doing this for years and it has been amazing. This keeps the peace within my life.
Clicked on this as soon as it came. Fantastic!
Absolute genius...beautifully explained.
Most valuable video I've seen in a long time!!!
This episode reminds me of a lyric from a song that I like: “I believe in what I see, I believe in what I hear, I believe that what I’m feeling changes how the world appears”-great advice!
Just pre-ordered the book. I've been anticipating it.
First! Love your content!!!! Keep up the awesome work!
Thanks! My mars is in aries... so this advice was really needed. Your channel has been so helpful and valuable, super excited to get my hands on your book!
Thank you for this, pleasantly surprised.
I find it fairly easy not to argue or engage others when they are emotionally charged.
However I am glad you talked about one's self not getting out of control as well. As that is something I find a bit more difficult at times.
I have improved with managing my emotions. Often allowing myself to feel a certain way but remaining silent. Then later I can express these emotions in a healthy manner. I also am able to identify why I may have felt a certain way more accurately and with a clearer perspective in this 'cold iron' state.
Thank you for your work and I hope you continue to make content and be successful.
Thanks for this advice, Dr Taraban. I usually use the strike it when it's cold because I am not a great debater. And I need time to gather my thoughts. However, this tactic does not work with my friend, Richard. He has road rage and sometimes other rages. When that happens he turns his anger towards me and yells obscenities. I know I can't calm him down right at that moment. So I bring up his excessive emotionality when the iron is cold. Sadly, he doesn't remembers what he says. And this has happened many times. It looks like I'm dealing with somebody with an organic problem. Therefore, with him, I have to strike it when the iron is hot. But most of the time I do the opposite like you have advised.
I would add to this,
in that time while a conversation is being tabled, you can decide that if it’s only a small thing, to just let it go, if it is actually important or matters, then you can still bring it up later when everyone is chill chill.
This does require you to be mindful enough that something that doesn’t matter to you might still matter to someone else. I always found it valuable to share this strategy so that two people can actively be on the same page utilizing the same tactic.
Great content as usual. I totally agree.
Excellent content, excellent observations, excellent advice. Well Done Doc, Jolly Well Done
WE the PEOPLE have spoken and we ❤️Psychacks. Dead ass tho sometimes you don't know what you dont know and this man has helped shine some light to my problems and downfalls. Craziest part we never met yet his advice resonates with me. Easily Better than any therapist I've seen. He's the one uncle who has a lot of knowledge in general
Recently Ive heard Simon Sinek say a similar thing. I dont know how something so important and basic as this is not more widespread. Thanks for sharing!!!
Great topic Dr taraban❤
I generally use this methodology now for vetting women and checking for red flags
Continue doing your great work sir you helping us all get better and thank you😎
Sir, this is pure gold distilled, I thank you from the bottom of my heart!
I'll try to Implement that Inshalla, starting from today (By Gods Willing
I've been implementing this a bit in my family life and had positive results. I however won't practice this at the anvil to avoid broken forgings and arms... Nice work!
In front of I believe it's the BBC hq in London, there's a statue of Orwell bearing a quote prescribing the job of a journalist: To tell people what they don't want to hear.
Judging by my nervousness and anxiety while listening to this, I believe you just did that job perfectly for me.
Thanks.
loved Loved LOVED this!!!
This is life changing stuff.
You nailed this!! 🙏🏾 I really do think that you are changing the dating game for the better! Did you ever consider letting us into the Therapie sessions you have with clients? Your insight is very much appreciated Dr. Taraban❤
Very good point. Thank you.
I have lived with my girlfriend for over 20 years, and although we rarely argue, I learned very quickly to never bring up a grievance with her in the moment. All that elicits is defensiveness. Instead I wait and bring it up when she is in a positive mood. Better yet in the instances when she is already being a little self deprecating. Pick your battles gentlemen! Because there will always be battles.
Suppose she gets very upset and start throwing dishes at you, starts hitting you with a pan. Then start throwing your clothes to the street. What then?
@@rayrwyr leave and call police? Hitting you with a pan? That's domestic violence
@@rayrwyr Leave and get a better woman.
@@J.F611 -- According to police, majority of the reported DVs are initiated by the woman. I am 100% sure that the vast majority (maybe 90%) of unreported DVs are also started by women. Men rarely report the DVs caused by their wives/gfs. Since women know he will not report it, she unleashes violence on him whenever she feels angry.
This video highlights the power of timing in communication! Waiting for the right moment to discuss issues can lead to more constructive outcomes and prevent unnecessary escalations. 🕒
I agree with this as I've learned this tactic through hard situations, HOWEVER
When I've tried to take a few days off to COOL OFF and asked my ex to give me the time,
she said "Why do I have to wait for YOU if I want to solve it now"
It sounds like either set it up from the beginning that this is how you solve things
OR if the person doesn't accept it, you don't have a partner, you have an enemy who's just looking for a fight.
Anyone else agrees/disagrees or has a better insight I'd love to hear it
Thank you sir, this message is very important
Love ya Doc and wish you all the success in the world. However, I must admit I enjoyed your vids a lot more when they contained fewer personal commercials.
In order for you to give someone a chance to validate your grievance, you have to first validate it yourself. This allows you to state your peace in a way where your truth is still your truth even if the other person disagrees. This way they can’t gaslight you.
Nice shirt! Fits perfectly!
PERFECT. Thank You.
Sucks when this happens in childhood. Sucks when you can never gauge the right time to have such a conversation; because they never really calm down. You learn to stay silent and never express any real thoughts or feelings to them or anyone else because everything gets back to them. Just learned to develop a false self that can interact with others so that the real you can not really be hurt. In typing this out, seems kind of like the origin story for narcissism/codependency.
I have this exact issue with a friend of mine, and it feels like you're doing what he did. I hope sharing my perspective helps.
In no means I try to be offensive, but clearly some signs of my past will shine through in this post. That also, should be relevant to your experience. Long text ahead!
For much of my life, I was overstimulated. For sake of this post, let's call myself autistic with meltdowns. To simplify, let's say I was severely overweight and unknowingly had diabetes also. According to a biologist, the amygdala, responsible for emotional impact analysis, can block the prefrontal cortex, which sustains rational reasoning. With all these conditions, that rational reasoning is blocked.
I felt trapped in my body, but my mind itself wasn't. What made me feel trapped was someone treating my physical symptoms as if they were emotional. While I'm more emotional than most guys, I don't let my emotions interfere with listening to others. But my body was constantly in distress due to unmanaged sugar levels, and my friend picked up on that, but it always felt fake.
Here's why it was fake: Yes, I am intense because I have emotions. But being willing to collaborate means I want to resolve issues. My friend treated everything as if it was all about my emotions. Despite my intensity, I was detached (derealized) from those feelings. Despite telling my friend, he could not understand it. It felt offensive when my friend claimed to understand my emotions and then shut down, while I was fighting to have a conversation. That same avoidance that you speak of, is what I detected in him. Presumably, he thought to detect it in me.
Eventually, I gave up on that friend. Now that I've addressed my health issues and the intensity is severely lowered, he doesn't reach out to resolve things or acknowledge that things have changed. Note that we do have moments still, more on that later in the post.
I was part of the problem and willing to work on it. Now that I've improved my communication, as evidenced by other friends and family, I feel abandoned by him. I've tried reaching out, but he can't accept that my expression and emotions are out of sync when I'm intense. He still dismisses a part of me I can't control and uses that to shut down himself. From my perspective, there's no reason to do this. WHY?
In short, my friend isn't a narcissist, but he's trapped in others' emotions and ideas. With a lack of alignment (or perhaps meaningful connection), he hasn't let go of old ideas and emotions, turning past sympathetic behavior into toxic pre-opinionation.
I let my friend go because he's never admitted his own wrongdoings (in my eyes), even when others have accepted the past. That's the narcissistic part; he believes he understands me better than I do. He is dictating what wrong is, to me. Again, I feel like the detachment and high emotions may play a big part in this miscommunication.
This is my version. He has his own, and I'm sure he feels somewhat the same. But since he criticized me for being unnatural over things I can't help, and doesn't communicate his own shortcomings, I can't respect him anymore. He projects an image of realness, but I see no real consequences. To me, he lives in a fantasy, making him unapproachable.
I don't regret it because all emotional value was met with resistance. We need to start anew, but he refuses to acknowledge my values and put effort into that. Yet, he has no trouble putting effort into me from a group identity perspective. So I'm doing the same back. However, this type of dynamic does not breed any closeness, unfortunately. That is important to me, if not crucial for me to have a meaningful relationship with ANYONE.
PS: I can tell when people have a false self. It's evident, as avoiding connections that make you vulnerable is a way to avoid getting hurt. I avoid people like that because it means they'd rather stay in their reality than collaborate, even with temporary pain. To me, that's a form of weakness. That's you saying you can't measure up. And that means you're comparing yourself to me, as opposed to seeing collaboration opportunity. Collaboration brings me closer to people.
Long story, but I hope it helps. If not, have a nice day.
@@msc8382 Thank you so very much for sharing; I'm sure that this will be so very helpful for so many other people! I kind of had my scenario with a parent instead of a childhood friend. The dynamic is a little different in that case as there really is no place to run or hide.
I'm sure that your scenario also applies in my case as well. You can only control your life(not completely) and your reactions(to an extent). You can't escape yourself; you necessarily live in those boundaries. You live with the consequences of what you do as an adult. As you begin to have your own life and responsibilities that pain of that past experience begins to fade away. Those experiences are then replaced with new ones; some of which are similar and many are different. Navigating these challenges successfully helps one to forget about the past and move on.