Why Monogamy Is UNDER ATTACK & People Keeping CHEATING | Esther Perel
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- čas přidán 20. 06. 2024
- FULL INTERVIEW - • If You Want To BUILD S...
Thank you for Watching this powerful video with Esther Perel!
Show notes: lewishowes.com/285
Yes, we are talking about relationships again on The School of Greatness. Partly because I love learning as much as possible about how to create and maintain healthy, amazing relationships (and I need a lot of coaching in my love life). But partly because I heard today’s guest speaker at Summit at Sea in November and I knew I had to have her on the podcast. Esther Perel is a world-renowned relationship therapist, bestselling author, and sought-after speaker who has focused her career on exploring the role of sex and eroticism in making and breaking intimate relationships. She has an incredible world-view of relationships in many different cultures, which has allowed her to see what works and what doesn’t on a bigger level. I asked her a ton of questions in our interview and she had answers. You may already have set ideas about what intimate relationships should look like, but I know you’ll get some new perspective from listening to this interview.
You can follow Esther:
www.estherperel.com/
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/ estherperel / estherperelofficial
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Lewis Howes' New Book - The Mask of Masculinity lewishowes.com/man
Lewis Howes is a NY Times Bestselling author, entrepreneur, and former professional Arena League football player. He hosts The School of Greatness, a talk show distributed as a podcast. Learn and hear the stories of various successful people around the world, become inspired, motivated and educated with the SCHOOL OF GREATNESS. lewishowes.com/book
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"your don't find your partner. You choose your partner"
Powerful
You’re handsome sir.
Well if you follow the "Love Stinks" lyrics, you see how sometimes it doesn't quite work out that way.
BS most people have few if any options
Yes❤
"There are lots of people you can love, but there are only a few you can make a life with."
❤❤❤
Some people want monogamous relationships. Some don’t.
Be honest to yourself & to your partner (s) about which camp you belong to.
@George Duffy I’m having a great long life filled with love. I see that you are not.
I agree but I also think it's okay to switch beliefs if you want to. Whatever brings you happiness at a given moment of time in your life.
honesty is what is lacking in most instances
@George Duffy u are lonely, but u organized u and your life to put it under the carpet... u are not aware off your loneliness, but u are making all decisions from it, it is part of your character and it is your prison...
This is how I know monogamy is innate: jealousy. Non monogamous relationships only work until one starts to feel differently. These “relationships” don’t have any commitments and that’s why the broken give into it bc they aren’t whole to give themselves fully to one person. Do you but don’t go around saying that monogamy isn’t innate bc it sure darn is.
She really nailed it: What attracts you in the beginning is a source of conflict later. Very true.
How?
Not necessarily! that quote is a platitude! What attracts you in the beginning CAN become a conflict- in some instances but it's not a hard and fix rule! My parents are from completely different cultures and it's the difference that attracted them both...no conflict ever happened. .
@@andrewrai5752 Just out of curiosity, in no way attacking the concept but really, you mean your parents _never_ had a conflict? I Sorta get the feeling there maybe was conflict, but perhaps your parents we're capable and smart enough to always manage to be mindful enough not to attack each other verbally/physically/get real heated up when arguing..? Im very happy anyways to hear you've had this experience with your folks, I mean mine fought all the time when me and my sisters were young, and still do :'( it is heartbreaking when you can't help people you care so much about and also, when you're a kid you're basically forced to do it with no options to escape.
@@kuukivi Nikki, I agree they did have conflicts but they were not sourced in what their initial attraction is based on. My dad was a musician, and that's what attracted my mom to him. Yes every couple/family has it's everyday run of mill conflicts..and that's what makes us human. Assigned roles whether by gender or personality help in mitigating conflict between couples in my opinion. I compare a marriage and family like a office. In the office you have a manager, the staff, the secretary, the maintenance, etc, these are all different people with different skills who make the office work in harmony, now just for a second imagine you put all those people in the office without any job description? one day the manager becomes the janitor, the next day the janitor becomes the manager...etc, see how chaotic that would be? same thing in a marriage!
probably because we actually attracted the wrong partner and couldn't see it until time went by
A strong stable relationship will support you in the bad times. A bad one will destroy you. My wife and I will have been married for 45 years in a weeks time. We have had a wonderful marriage.
We have always been honest and loyal to each other. Communication is extremely important. I feel very sorry for anyone in a bad relationship.
i think that is the problem for most people, they end up with people that aren't right for them but a lot of people get hooked on people almost like an addiction and if they cheat or end the toxic relationship they walk around saying monogamy is BS
@@leahflower9924 .
So good to read it.
Bless you both ❤
@@infiniteinspiration1628 Thank you. We will have our 48th wedding anniversary on August 28th. We are blessed, and happier than ever.
You don't find a partner you CHOOSE a partner - I heard That!
hey honey l'm a living testimony of a great Dr Lee okosun the relationship restorer and a healer who fixed back my broken relationship after being separated for months. He can also help you too no matter how worst the case maybe Dr Lee okosun will put a smile on your face honey within 24hour.
Whatzpp him for help now
+ 2 3 4 9 0 7 1 2 2 8 0 9 7.
We choose a partner amongst the few choices we find available at a certain time
Very insightful,thank u!!!! so much both of you!
My life is so much easier with my dog.
I assumed you are not committed to anyone.
🤣🤣🤣
The Dog is not perfect but you want a human being to fit your perfect narrative.
Facts 😭
So true
She has verbalized so many of my half-thoughts. This has been fantastic
She's awesome. If you don't already I highly recommend the SavageLove podcast with Dan Savage. It's given me a way to put into words so many of my feelings about relationships and sex
After 48 years with the LIKE and LOVE of my life, with all the ups and downs of marriage, the secret to my monogamous marriage has been honest communication.
Being married to your best friend gives the (sometimes) brutal honesty of communication the roots of a long-time relationship. Talk to each other. Make your relationship your priority! My husband isn’t perfect but he’s perfect for me!
"Monogamous" and "honest communication" are contradictory. You have both authentically wanted to bond with others as well, and have lost out by not doing so.
My relationships are all poly and I actually agree with you. Love enough to be honest and to intentionally think about and share the things your partner(s) can do to make you and your relationship feel safe and secure. I’ve been with my spouse for 17 years and my other partner for over 4 years. I feel so lucky to have found these incredible people.
@@eriksyring F A C T S.
Exactly. Thank you Angela.
In my opinion, when your husband becomes your best friend, it's game over.
I’m in a monogamous marriage , to a one in a million man , with children , but this woman is on point. In the end , like attracts like . Monogamy is a practice . Marriage with children is the ultimate fulfillment, and it is NOT for the weak ! ❤️❤️❤️
one in a million men are more likely to have side chicks than their less desirable counterparts.
Nor is nonmonogamy. It is also tough. Relationships are tough to continue no matter what. Intimate relationships no matter what are hard. If you are polyamorous you can have an intimate relationship with many people and it requires work to keep them up.
You husband is lying He may not act on it, but he has desires. Give him a lie detector test.
You can have magnificent love stories with people you would never live with!!!
This woman is so wise.
Monogamous relationship to me is a way to go deeper. When two come together as whole people and are sharing their life day by day, if they make it to the end of their life, they can then say they were life partners. I used to be poly and it was fun, but it never provided that deep satisfying feeling one gets from doing the inner work in a monogamous relationship. When entering a monogamous relationship I had to really visit my own commitment to myself. I never had to do so when in poly bc I would just sweep it away while focusing elsewhere. There is a deep value when in monogamous relationship that is just not present in poly (my own experience)
Right, when you age and your appeal drops dramatically, it is time to develop spirituality.
No disrespect intended, but the fact that it's important for you to "be able to say" that you were life partners, is kind of the problem to me.
I am glad you are honest about it, some people keep saying monogamy is a construct but to me is the way I am and nobody is forcing me. I think this psychotherapist should work on herself and if she is poly or whatever fine but she shouldn't make statements like she did about this subject.
You were poly what?
@@annalisadelbove6133 Um..she is monogamous. And she works with all kinds of variations of relationships. She’s speaking respectfully of all. Maybe you should listen more to her work and read her book before judging. She’s phenomenal. Her work has helped many couples overcome problems including infidelity and live happily together the rest of their relationship.
I know so many ageing married couples that aren't happy but are stuck together forever because of property, finances, religious beliefs, family values, etc. They take anti-depressants, drink, do whatever to continue the facade. I don't get it! Isn't life too short to spend it so miserably? I am so tired of this world obsessed with things looking good on a surface level while underneath is rotting away.
I've known folks such as that too.
I know couples who divorced and both of them are miserable now, there is a time for everything.
It makes sense while you young to wander around, but let's not forget that we as humans with aging like predictability, stability and resist change!
Hence the need for monogamy, knowing that there is someone who you can trust.
You have until thirty to try and choose a partner, but without a commitment can't build anything, no bussines, no family nor trust.
@@doryn931 where do you figure you can't build a business, or have family, or predictability (with against) without monogamy or marriage? I know it's like that in India, where the vast majority of marriages r arranged.
@@JamieAug not a cultural thing, no India or whatever wierd culture.
People fall into marriage just because is better for them, as I said they need a partner to lean on and burry their insecurities.
Show me a single 40 years old person that is single and doesn't lean into monogamy!
You young, go crazy, live experience, try things but eventually you will want a family, or a partner at least to lean on, and that's just natural.
The fact that we understand how things work doesn't change our nature, so no "revolutionary" video will change how things go in reality.
Nothing changed except for the fact that people are more educated and get into marriage after 30s , by the time they "tried everything".
And here come the sociology experts...
Divorced or married, they are both monogamous situations. There are many miserable people in both states.
The point is, for example, if either the life partners or divorcees had had the choice to extend their tribe, would they still be miserable? Would they have divorced?
Blaming mass misery on the individuals involved is like telling people they must eat fish every day, and then being surprised when many suffer as a result...then blaming it on them, instead of the social standard.
I wish she was my therapist 😭 she’s so intelligent and puts things so clearly and beautifully
No you don't - she would force you to confront all of the things you've been avoiding your whole life. You imagine it would be amazing and loving and a wonderful revelation of true wisdom. But it would never be that. No one grows from that. It would more likely be confronting, painful and very emotional (not in a good way either). WHY? Because it's through pain that we discover deeper insights. If you truly desire that, you can go on her website and book and appointment.
Monogamy is a discipline. I have said it several times. Not everyone can fulfill the desires of monogamy!!! Jesus Christ has made this possible through prayer and fasting. Praying 1-3 hours daily to Jesus makes you a better person if you can separate yourself to Jesus. I choose Jesus.
No, very few have the self control, even less have the desire to.
@George Duffy 🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼
In this world, polyamory is much harder than monogamy, because society is designed too facilitate the former, and because to fulfill more than one person is harder than to fulfill one.
And by the way, polyamory is NOT "sleeping around". In a poly situation, you have to tell all your partners about any new person, and they have veto power. It isn't "polysexary". Cheating is a thing in polyamory.
Monogamy isn't any better. It's just a choice with its own challenges.
@@TexasMoscows so your saying gods just a simple man? Cause our god is a jealous god. Jealousy is part of marriage, its suppose to be a good part that helps create and establish boundaries that both are comfortable with to guide your marriage. That's rational jealousy, now irrational jealousy is a different story.
@@TexasMoscows I was godless until I was 29, well I thought I was, I still had a god and he showed me it was him guiding my life. He was there all along for me whether I knew it or not then when I knew but didn't care.Just as he is with you.he watches over the non believers the most. Have a good day sir, andi hope god blesses u and yours.
Married for 20yrs, I have had ZERO desire to sleep with random people during my marriage. I have NEVER been wired where sex a primary focus in my life. My husband is the same way, I guess we are the oddballs. I don't know what it is to lust after someone, I can see beauty, but not visually sexually wired. I think we are both what are called demi-sexuals. I actually so happy that sex doesn't rule my life. It is very freeing.
Just as much as the "free love" aspect will evolve, I think there will be more people who don't have sex with strangers as primary focus in life, too.
I would not expect a woman to understand how us men feel. I have been married for as long as you have.
That has nothing to do with being a woman. People are just different.
Women have a lot more advanced libidos than societal dogma would let you believe.
@@pm71241 Evidence please. Sources?
You can be demisexual and also poly too. It just means you need to develop an emotional bond before you’ll want to have sex with a new person.
Bless you both ❤
Wow, she's so right on. People who insist on only getting "their needs met" in relationships often end up with depression, anxiety or other mental disorders when they are too old to keep the revolving door of sex partners going.
Yes! It's as Jordan Peterson said. The definition of anxiety or depression is being self absorbed.
It's the timing and maturity that helps us make a choice 💡
💯
Good point!
Agreed 😁
Monogamy is a commitment ! It is a choice ! I prefer to build a stable , valuable relation !! 💕💓 with one and only person !!
Where do those exist? My ex left me when sick for a younger gal and people are blown away as I stil look young.
Committment to one person is orderly. There's no confusion.
Multiple connections to people brings about a certain level of confusion in one's life.
De gustibus non est disputandum
Monogamous relationships are only so difficult in this day and age because nobody wants to do their inner work and continuously bring all their baggage, resentment, insecurities and abandonment/rejection/anxiety/self worth issues into every relationship and expect the other person to make it happen..
@@douglascampbell4993 I know I’ve been making a living working with couples for 40 years the more baggage ...
I hate that at the beginning I only focus on dazzling THEM and I forget to even ask myself if I even like the person 😂
I definitely need some balance.
😅😅😅 I felt this
IrIna GT so true! Thats real advice you gave there. Theres def snth underneath.
Too true
Perhaps to stay in a monogamous relationship, a couple must redefine their relationship periodically. People change , their needs and wants change with the experiences they encounter and experiences .
In fact Esther says "Most people are married 3 or 4 times in their lives, sometimes to the same person"
I agree with her completely. I have had amazing love stories with people that I know I would never be able to build anything with. I need stability, discipline, and commitment. What is exciting and opposite generally doesn’t make a good life partner...in my experience.
Wish women could see that.
^^ I hope we find someone who shares the same idea…
I wanna develop a life with someone so dam bad but I gotta stay true & genuine to someone else and myself
Happy single here. Too complex relationships. To much pain and yes... It indeed makes it complex because we live in a sick narcissistic world.
There’s nothing narcissistic about wanting a non monogamous relationship. It’s a little narcissistic thinking you can satisfy one person for the rest of their lives out of billions of people
@@martelly55 some people are monogamous and someone are not , None of them are selfish, they just have different decisions and desires... For me, a relationship is a two-person agreement, the rules of which are determined by only two people in the relationship...I don't force my partner to satisfy his desires only by me, but he also wants us to be monogamous, and love is not always about what we get, but about what we do for the safety of our partner so that he doesn't get hurt, whether the relationship is monogamous or polyamorous.
‘Your choice should be in an examining state’. Absolutely brilliant.
So i can cheat as a scientific study
@@ditowout5742 absolutely. If you’re also prepared for the karma it carries.
@@funmioh karma doesnt exist... Thankfully... if it did it would mean that children diserved leukemia
@@ditowout5742 lol good luck with that p.o.v brother 🙏🏽
@@ditowout5742 could be past karma that lead to such life in the current.
Its certsinly exists and do law of vibrations and you can clearly see if you chose to.
Single feels best always at peace ✌️
What is your aim in life?
Feeling at peace or creating a healthy family, educating future citizens and making a contribution so as to make this world a better place?
@@anewlifestirring Both are completely valid goals.
Until your 65 and realize you're alone in everything and there's no one there to care for at the end of the day, and no one there to care for you ... No one to share life's quiet experiences with - laughing at the morning news articles together, taking walks together hand in hand looking at how the leaves have changed in October ... While there are def positives to being single, humans are pack animals and we crave close, intimate bonds and relationships with others. No one wants to die alone.
I feel into this brainwashing that been alone was better. What a FOOL I was. But to be fair I was not educated. Been alone made me disabled. Not because I am not resilent. No. Rater I created from all the time on my own a false bubble of reality and unknown to myself I became selfish and unable to compromise. Basically I deskilled and lost my confidence although on the outside I appeared to have it all. Anyone reading this please even consider what I am saying and please dont critize my experience. I am not out to shame you. Rather I dont want you to make the same mistake I made. Be sociable. Hang out with people. Start studing human behaviour and you will build confidence in relations. Been alone you learn nothing only a false sense of reality. As Esther says how can you grow alone. Its only in relationships we learn about ourselves and this is o so so so true. In the Western World we are conditioned now to feel inadequate if we want a partner. In fact we are inadequate not to want a partner. We are humans and need to feel connected
@@SteakCutFries I see your point & I do agree. However, I know several people who married & had families - and it was a disaster. I doesn't always work out well, & sometimes it's no one's(clear) fault. Stuff happens they couldn't always foresee. Children cannot always be counted on either, especially today; one thing I've learned is that you never know what you're going to get - your own biological children can be a surprise. They are who they are - & their journey is personally theirs, not yours, even if you give birth to them. My philosophy, life will always be a little "off" no matter what we do, because we live in fallen world without the literal presence of our Creator. Life is a problem, & until we go home, we will never be truly satisfied. Live fully, love much, create as many good memories as you can. Dying alone is no threat to a believer.
What i need in a relationship to work is to respect and get respected...
I feel as though the biggest hurdle for monogamy is that when people start relationships the present as their best version of their selves. Then they become their natural selves after commitment. And then they become their lower selves after complacency. Who wants to have sex with a person dramatically less attractive than the last person they dated? It’s hard work to remain attractive but harder work to be honest about who you are.
czcams.com/video/rFNsHzoiVTY/video.html
Everything worth having is WORK. Keeping your job, your house... Your relationship. It takes work.
Oh, I'm honest. I show up to the first date in gym clothes, flip flops, and without brushing my hair. lol
@@jennyhammond9261 You'll certainly catch the right one then!! brava! Also, a rule: if you like him/her in that S/HE"S A KEEPER!
@@CrystalDatingCoach It’s crystal clear to me the benefit of having a job and a house, but not sure of -real- benefits of having an unsatisfactory relationship. I think you can promise money, cares, shared time and so on, you hardly can promise friendship and , IMHO you can’t love forever just because you promised it.
I just realized I'm polyamorous. I told my sister and I thought she would be like, oh my goodness, that's the worst, but she said she already felt like she is polyamorous. Then when we looked back on our past relationships, we realized we always kind of lived a polyamorous life. We just never labeled it as such. Thank you for the open, honest discussion.
You are poliamorous good for you and for being honest about it. I think this is respectful and as long as you can be there not only for fun and there is no jelousy it is all good. I have a problem when people say we are not monogamous by nature ..well nobody forced me to be with my ex and being loyal to him..I was happy on any level and I didn't feel to look other men with lust. This psychotherapist is just projecting her inner world making statements that don't represent everyone, to me she is not professional and she might need to work on herself first.. claiming some things when actually as a matter of fact they are not true says a lot about her.
Looks like you are also into either paganism or Satan worship, and either one of those, will lead to to an eternity in the lake of fire.
I imagine you have no father.
I think that's pretty much what Esther expressed. we're all poly. do you really think that your heart is so small that love cannot happen with more than one person? I don't think so. yes, just look at your life up to now. if ther's anything I'd comment on is that it's monogamy that is the "consensual" state of being. polyamory is the natural state you give up consensually for some reason, hopefully in your best interests.
I've had most of a life now and relationships are pretty much in two classes- those who make no secret of being poly and those who claim they are "monogamous" ..but cheat. see how both groups are really the same thing and add up to 100%. so what's the difference? people in one group are liars 🤔
@@annalisadelbove6133 not any of us were born to feel attracted to just the one sexually or emotionally but you can still be in a monogamous relationship ,
it is just that your nature is not for just the one
"The thing that attracts you in the beginning becomes the thing that causes conflict later on"..
Next time just call me out by name damn
My parents are married 50+ years. My mother once said to me that when she married my father she loved him for who he was but now she loves him in spite of who he is. Probably the most profound thing anyone has ever said to me.
If I’m in a relationship I give it all. Relationships are hard. Very hard and require ALOT of emotional work and commitment. It requires being patient. It requires many times giving up things.
So for me. If they truly want me to be totally committed in a relationship, my time, my love, my attention, my caring, my affection etc etc then I need them to be sexually faithful or I won’t be emotionally faithful. I won’t even give 50% of what I can give. I can be in an “open” relationship but you can’t give 100% of your sexual attention to me I won’t give much of my emotional attention, love or time to you. And cheating would mean I’m gone forever.
Nobody can give 100% of their sexual attention to you.
Even you will experience daydreams or fantasies about other people.
And even if someone would be 100% sexually exclusive with you, you'd still never be 100% emotionally present with them.
You have friends and family, perhaps kids, and even colleagues sometimes require understanding, empathy, and support.
You cannot invest 100% of your time and energy into 1 person.
Attempting to live up to, or even just mentally holding yourself to such a standard, is simply unhealthy.
In full agreement with you.
What makes a thriving relationship is more than just feelings 9:01 feelings, actions, beliefs, touches 7:42shared vision, shared mission, shared values, beliefs, views about money, emotional expressiveness, independence & seperateness vs connection, views about power
Good one. But I'd love to know more about the unhealed childhood trauma before I truly believe someone wants or rather doesn't want a monogamous relationship? Unhealed people are never happy with anyone. Because they aren't happy with themselves.
decades ago a lot of people used to think that homosexuality was caused by childhood traumas, and were encouraged to find the trauma that "caused" the homosexuality... sounds familiar?
@@conchitacaparroz sure! We have come a long way. Some used to say women deserved to be raped because they wore a short skirt. We still have a long way to go. Especially research on personality disorders. If the medical and psychology fields need to speak up and educate people better. That's at the root of all abuse.
@@Narcbuster-bm6hm my point is actually that decades ago, homosexuality was considered an aberration and people wanted to look for the reasons that caused it. Now it's fortunately not the case anymore. It seems to me that you're looking at polygamy the same way people looked at homosexuality before.
@@conchitacaparroz maybe. But everyone I've ever met that is sexualy promiscuous had unhealed childhood trauma. Just my own observations over my life. All spiritual people seem to want to find a divine partner. Each to their own. But in the research I've done over the years as a Narcissistic abuse recovery coach unhealed people are never happy with one anything. Because they are unhappy with themselves.
@@Narcbuster-bm6hm well... The experiences that we live and witness in our sourroundings are just a sample of a whole, no? A very limited sample, i would say
love that she brins up narcissism and the wiifm mindset. and talks about the variations...no "formula" for the messy complexity of relationships
wiifm?
2:47 I am glad he expressed that "it's so confusing..." and I am glad she asked for his opinion. So many of us feel that way!
" I feel like today is full, even if I don't have to binge. " Wow.
I think i need her definition of what love is to understand what she's talking about.
An elevated conversation indeed.
Thanks Lewis.
Love the intention of, "What can I or What do I or bring to the relationship"? My take away, "How do I want to show up for this other person and in the relatiknship"? Good stuff.
Esther is so incredibly informative. I wish she was available to me when I was younger. Coming from a traumatic childhood I made some poor choices. Relationships are most difficult when you have damage from the family you are raised by. When your raised in a disfunctional situation you don't learn the correct ways to interact with people. I am in awe of Esther's incredible insight and she uses her gift to help others. Thank you 😊
Listening to her gives me so much peace. I instantly feel relaxed.
Esther Perel just makes so much sense
She's brilliant
Indeed
No. She basically said be selfish. That’s fine if you’re single
Esther is a genius and one of the most profound thinkers of our time
The best relationship is the one you got from yourself- Love yourself and enjoy life however F you’d like!
💯
Absolutely
AMEN!
she's spot on... on different classes
Surely to choose a partner we have to find them?
Anyway, maybe modern society needs a marriage contract of 5 or 10 year, renewable on mutual agreement. It may save future generations the agony of long term costly relationships & cheating? After all, we change as individuals based on life experiences/environment. In fairness we make mistakes, we grow apart living separate lives under the same roof, bound by societies and religious values. Modern marriage needs to change to adapt to a changing society, our lives are short but all that said I’m twice married, would I do it again, I’m not so sure 👍🏻
It seems that marriage and relationships have already changed quite a bit. The fact that you point out that it should be renewable sounds creepy/sad at first, but it could be a great idea, sort of renewing your vows. It would mean there would be a chance that the other tells you he/she didn't want to renew and that would put pressure on both parties to "try harder". You would have safety and risk at the same time. I mean, in reality we already have both, but your idea would be a way of making it more palpable.
I've been saying the marriage contract needs a reevaluation. 4-8 years sounds about right.
I didn't know the video was about to be over, I listened the whole time. I love Esther
🧡
Thank you for picking the best condensed content for us, Lewis ❤️
After being married for more than 25 years I saw our relationship change from a married couple to roommates so lay the facts to her she insisted we stay together I agree but with the condition that if we go back to what I was noticing be the problem that was it Today I live by my self I enjoy my liberty and the fact that I dont have to ask for permission to do anything
I love how she said "values" are really the most important thing needed to "do a life with" someone. It's massive.
Why did you have to ask permission in the first place? Sometimes you just need to check between your legs and make sure you still have what God gave you down there.
I just got into a open relationship for the first time and I am not sure how I feel about it not in a bad way. But this video has really helped in what do I really want.
How'd it go? Wind up sitting alone at home on tinder struggling to get matches while ur partner goes out and gets railed by ppl they're actually attracted to?😂😂😂
How did that open relationship work out for you?
Im one of those people who are monogamous, seen enough stuff and been through enough to always need someone who is also monogamous and if that cant then body pillow is my cuddle buddy.
👍
She said, "A victim of FOMO!" 😆👏🏽
Sex is a powerful thing one must understand what it does and what it doesn't do to be monogamous in a relationship.
I would love for you to elaborate
@@Holistic.Aariela
Hmm I would like to answer your question but before I do what do you think the difference would be in your own words.
@@Holistic.Aariela
It's called making a Choice
I have been married to my wife for 45 years it takes Trust, understanding, commitment, communication, Morals as to who we are as a couple even raising our kids.
When I leave to go to work I give my wife a sweet kiss on her tender lips early in the morning leaving her drunk for a few hours and weak in the knee's and i tell her to have a great day.
My wife understands her role as a wife and my roll as a man.
Sex is important for sure in any relationship it's fun and pleasurable
Knowing when your heart beats in rythem together with every breath we take every touch meaning the Trust we have for each other.
It takes work to understand pleasures it's just not the act of doing it ( orgasms) a woman can receive it in different ways such as a simple Kiss.
That's just a little bit of what it takes to be in a monogamous relationship.
Today it seems ok to jump around but that's fine it's fun pleasurable and all.
For ladies if they have had more then 8 to 10 partners they have given there emotions to those guys and if they go raw as some will call it a man's sperm and semen will effect the ladies ability to a degree to bond to just one man especially with a high count of lover's or one night stands in the future if she decides to be monogamous with one partner down the road it's usually only about 30 percent success rate.
Plus the possibility of carrying a infection or herpes, possibly AIDS,
Then she kisses another person or even sharing a glass of water with there family members and possibly infecting them as well. With out realizing it.
Especially if a lady gives Head to another partner in which case most do for fun and pleasurable Acts.
It will carry down in a Ladies throat and usally start there.
I understand it's a choice that people make I'm fine with that
I hope that this helps you to a degree
If I was a young man today I would have a very hard time in finding a Lady who would be trustworthy to really commit to a monogamous relationship.
These are my opinions and experience in what I see.
@@raymondjames2590 i would like to add that it’s not natural for woman to not be monogamous biologically female organisms are best when their emotional needs ; safety ,stability etc.there’s also an invasion in exchange of energy ,fluids etc that shocks your chakra /equilibrium/balance....random sex is so dangerous. The other thing that everyone refuses to mention is how delicate a vagina physically is ...it gets ripped by simply masturbating let alone the entrance of many penises in all shapes and size ,it’s really not designed for that at all (the worse is the vibrators). So if anything it’s more difficult to be a woman in this day & age than it is to be a man trust me, but it was so nice to read ur comment and imagine a time where weren’t a pornified society . Trust that a lot of us today are dying to get love & affection but would still much rather die than touch a potentially diseased pornified pervert who would never be satisfied/happy with anyone anyways.
What a load of bull in the comments
protect this woman at all cost!
This is an incredible exploration of this development in modern love.
her book mating in captivity is a game changer!
I love the way she frames this, "negotiated through divorce, or do what most people have always done ... Proclaim monogamy with clandestine adultery". Never heard it said that way. This woman is amazingly intelligent and kinda 🔥🔥🔥
17 minutes of pure truth. Thank you Esther, this helped me so much 🙌🏼
Wow she make so much sense I’m happy to be the few who have watched this .
With Gabor mates work coming out about the importance of attachments for the mental well being of children I understood why monogamy is a necessary practice.
I feel she must not have children or she would at least have spoken about the true reason monogamy was essential. The family has been under attack long enough and promoting open relationships is not likely to work in the best interest for happy family bonds.
Thank you! You are one of the few you get it. Please continue to speak out against this insanity.
Is the era of selfishness. I had such trouble w this in my past relationship. My ex always had relationships on Instagram, making plans to meet other women from let’s say, Canada or other cities. Then said they are his friends and yes, they will hang out when they come to town. And I was upset. And he said I was horrible and selfish and that I didn’t allow him to have friends which is so so untrue. But yes, it did make me feel very uncomfortable he was talking and making plans w “strangers”
The era of selfishness indeed. As long as a man has to sacrifice his urges an excuse is indoctrinated to permit it and some women actually accept it so they won't be lonely in my pov
From a Christian perspective living under the new covenant, being born again means subjecting my flesh to Glorify God
I was born alone and I would die alone and that's reality for everyone .
Is living life only about sex and making children. If it is then we are no higher the beasts, the fish of the sea and the fowls of this earth and I know I am to have dominion over them
@@eac-guy7272 I too am born again, but you have to remember that it was Paul who said, "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm then and do not be subject again under a yoke of slavery." The forms of polygamy that are sinful, namely polyandry and polyamory, are to be rejected by those of us who follow Christ, because Paul said later, that we are not to use our freedoms to indulge the sinful nature. However, a man CAN love multiple women. We see that Solomon clung to his wives in love. He loved them to a fault, to where they drew his heart away from wholeheartedly following God, but we cannot say that he did not love them, because Scripture clearly says that he did.
Now this "ex" that @Somebody Else is describing here, she does not tell us whether she was her husband or boyfriend. She calls it a "relationship", but she didn't refer to it as a marriage. So she struggles with jealousy, which ironically Paul identified as one of the deeds of the sinful nature in Galatians 5! I doubt you will ever hear that from a pulpit! Scripture gives us an example of another woman who succumbed to jealousy. She was the first wife of David, and David was proven to be in the right in his love for God, whereas Michal died childless.
@@danieldeluca4936 of course it will be said that polyandry is sinful because the woman has the many husbands and we can't allow women to have so many men without it being frowned upon can we? 🙄. King Solomon has wisdom but his lustful nature as a king got him into strife.
I would never believe that any man can truly love more than one woman at the same time. That is gluttony, selfish and conceited and YES ADULTERY as well
But continue making excuses until the bridegroom comes
@@eac-guy7272 Your definition of adultery, does not comport with the Biblical definition of adultery, and is therefore meaningless. You can argue with Scripture all you want, but it DOES say that Solomon clung to those women with love. It is your choice whether to believe what God's Word says. Polyandry is sinful, because the Bible says so (Romans 7:1-3), not because of what any of us think should be frowned upon.
I don't need to make any excuses for that which is not sinful. Ironic though that you mentioned a bridegroom. Weren't there 10 virgins that he was coming for?
At the end of the day this is a free country. You can only try to tolerate so much and you don't have to let society or your partner tell you what your standards have to be. I'm a guy, but if I don't want to deal with a woman who posts certain pictures for an example, I don't have to. I simply have to deal with the consequences of not being open to the dating pool of women who post those pictures. The higher your standards, the lower the pool, but that system is much better than the constant anxiety, fighting, possible DV, etc. Explain your requirement, say this is me i'm a muffin I work at the muffin shop i'm okay looking for a muffin and if you do or don't want to meet my muffin requirement i'm out or in.
Yes, Brilliant!!! She says, “There’s a lot of people we can love... FEW we can make a life with.” When I met my wife... I didn’t know a lady like her existed. I felt like I was 18 again and was in love by the end of the week of getting to know her. I knew it was God that brought us together and meant to build a life of love, our dreams, businesses and laughter together in the journey and seasons of life. AT Home and Working together💞
Fantastic interview! Thanks!
This Lady is truly amazing
Ethical non-monogamy works great for me!
Your Cultural marxist junk
Good you do not make promises you do not keep
better than monogamy for the image or social pressure because other people or society at large expect things from you and than judge you if you act differently ;
there is a lot of public display a front for others and in practice people cheat keep secrets and lie as long as possible even prefer this than to even discuss with others especially their partner how they really feel because that;s the end of their relationship and then it breaks down because people cannot or do niot want to be honest because of the consequences
because people only accept each other with CONDITIONS and when that turns out different *you* are yesterdays news , *you* are out , so yes ethical non-monogamy is better than all the secrets and all the lies and all the pretending even the word cheating says it all
Lying would be so much work, I have never been interested in cheating or lying to my partner. (I was married and always monogamous in my 20’s and after the divorce, I learned about poly and decided to give that a try. Haven’t gone back since.) I know it’s not easy but choosing to be authentic and transparent is the way to have a truly rewarding life and relationships with all people you love- whether family, friend or romantic.
@@Beccanator007 I agree, with monogamy complete life time fidelity is expected or drama follows how could you , you have cheated , you have betrayed me etc. it is all about possession ownership people do not want that so with monogamy there is a lot of secrets and lies with an open relationship or polyamory there is openness and honesty in practice you may actually be 99 percent monogamous it depends on your personality circumstances who you meet but if you are a 99 percent or monogamish person you are for the monogamous minded persons a cheat not to be trusted you should be dumped discarded like a dirty cloth and that is far too harsh a judgment to treat another HUMAN BEING like that , P.S. out of interest how did you meet polyamarous people , I am sure monogamous people have opinions about them not very positively though so judgmental
Sense of entitlement sacrifices your obligations to those you have responsibility to.
Calibrate your narcissism.
The person you can make a life with. Not necessarily the one you love most.
Beautiful and Wise Woman!!💓
Thank You.
Absolute wisdom philosophical genius👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚
This was gold. ALL THE WAY THROUGH!! She is better than ANY relationship coach on CZcams. She’s not telling you to wait days before a call, to pretend you are not interested, to see what you can get, etc. She is saying things that No dating coach says.
Depends on how long the person’s been waiting on the “Return on Investment”. Just because someone asks about it doesn’t mean they’re always narcissist.
It goes hand in hand with those not wanting kids anymore
Fantastique advice, clarity and education from Esther as always, thank you! 🤗🌻🌟
People can do what they want, clearly. But like your partner comes home from a night out getting railed by someone. And your suppose to have a healthy, peaceful connection with them?! When an hour earlier she got her back blown out. Crazy world we live in.
LMAOOOOOO
That only matters to you because she is your only sexual outlet. If you had a harem, you likely wouldn't care.
@@timothyblazer1749 no Timothy, not everyone wants a harem just because you do.
@@travis6694 then maybe pick a lover who won't go get her "back blown out" lol
@@misterharryman yes Harry, clearly.
Nailed it! #1- opposites may attract but don’t last. #2- True Love IS about what one can give NOT get ❣️❣️❣️
This deserves a million views 👍
I love to have lovestories without the urge to build a life with another person. I have a life for my own so I can just enjoy crazy love without commitments.
I think it’s called romance - but doesn’t mean it’s less enjoyable;)
Love people like you who share some good truths ...thanks Esther 🌹
I love her...absolutely love her ❤
Wow! Nailed it.
This is excellent!
Everything about relationship and life in just a 17' video!
Thank you both 🙏❤
The only lie I have told myself was, "She truly loves me and would never do anything to betray me, our children, our family."
Lol DAMN 😅
Affair Recovery is great
This hit hard ...
@@ancientfern2693 you sure? 😅
@@sarahtitan2605 It's another channel, it's helpful.
Such a great insight! 🙏
Be compelling to someone else.. loved that
Have you ever noticed while reading biographies of those born a hundred years ago or more ,that everyone lost a spouse and had several marriages? I think marriage a hundred years ago was always threatened by death and it kept everyone grateful and less critical. Now I think living for 80 years and imagining that 50 of them will be with the same person is probably not realistic for a lot of people.
It also helps marriage to last for a lifetime, when that span of life is so brief.
A married man has been asking to have a relationship with me on the side for the past 5 years. He is married and I am not and I have continued to tell him that I am not crazy or stupid to do that. However, he has mental and imaginary relationship with me for all this time so I think this is worst than an actual physical relationship.
You did the right thing girl
Aww he doesn’t sound like a good partner to his wife.
Such good points she’s made. I resonate! 💕✨
I like this lady, thank you I like your show.
I don't like people in general, so I guess my choice is simple and clear.
People suck
Amazing insight, I have had amazing love stories, and I know who I would choose for our compatibles not our sexual chemistry that's OK but I've had better, our compatibility however is that which I know would be a forever partnership... BUT
he will not be with me because he can't be or should I say doesn't want to choose to be monogamous and although I'm OK with that for the most part I'm not all the way on board and he does not want to hurt me so we won't take it further than it has ventured. Sad but today ironically I chose to walk away for good and full of questions and unsure of what I have chosen to do, I stumbled upon you in this interview and clarification of everything is discovered.
Thank you I now know my decision is best for us both it does not make it any easier to let go but it gives me a deep sense of peace
Very good interview.
Thank You
I think Esther is missing the point here- and it’s not that I am not agreeing with her on a lot of things - u don’t create live story or life story - u can have romance with someone who is not present in your life but it’s not love- u can love them but u not in love with them if they not present in your life - if they not sharing your everyday experience- true love is making a cup of tea for someone after 10 years and being able to make them excited about something new despite years spend together- but again we are all different and Esther is just explaining her definition of love - in my opinion her truth is not everyone’s truth but we all intelligent enough to decide on our own
You have a very specific vision of what constitutes love.
Smart way to see love, I hope we all find this kind!! Good to all if us
You’re just talking nonsense because what she said triggered you. Stop wasting your time with meaningless people!
The old age values and refined beliefs at the present time is the best way to go.
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+ 2 3 4 9 0 7 1 2 2 8 0 9 7.
Everyone need to hear this!
That's a whole lot of wisdom
Very important point you raise when I hear you mention how we can consider sexuality as organised for each one of us, what we need as individuals, our fundamental human needs and the choice of monogamy which is beneficial to family making and vital need for the social structure.
As you point out, the tension is between our personal preferences and our duty and need to invest in the common weal from which each one of us indirectly derives his own survival.
Exactly!👍
Monogamy was not practiced among N. Americans before European settlers arrived. Yet they had a diverse social structure.
I think humans should just embrace what comes naturally to them. Human nature is chaotic and unpredictable.
@@ilikepancakes2368 we also have to abide by some social laws if we wish to participate in a civilised environment, as we need to abide by trafic rules if we wish to drive safely.
Monogamy is like a diet plan, it doesn’t work for everyone.
There is a ton of depth in this analogy, sure certain diets work for some but not for others but eating healthy works for all and eating poorly has consequences for all!
Analogy doesnt stand but i get your point 😅 it is not for everyone..
@@tl8142 I do believe that monogamy is for everyone. If the conversation is open for discussion, I stand to gain from it. As the system or structure with the most historic success for humanity, I believe it should be considered of high utility. If monogamy is: "The practice or state of being married to one person at a time or the practice or state of having a sexual relationship with only one partner", (definition generated to be sure we understand the term the same way), how is it not for everyone. Can you take the time to clarify for me briefly what the conditions are or how exactly a non monogamic relationship structure is better for someone? I claim ignorant as can be here.
@@justingillette8287 my comment on the analogy was towards the original comment in this thread ( Diamond Unicorn’s comment).
As for your comment you kinda hit the point : ” eating healthy is for everyone”. This makes more sense.
But still, eating is very personal ( i am now insisting on the practical aspect of the analogy ) :
You cant invite others to follow your own desires or prescribed diet. Unless you select a certain group of people who thinks or their needs are the same.
So, there are people that want to follow their own ”desire” in this dietary habit. They want to feed on this kind of relationship. For some reason or need they prescribe for themselves this kind of relationship and people.
Time will proof whether this ”diet” is healthy or not.Monogamous diet or poly-amorous-whatever-kinda-relationship?
As the saying goes ” the kind finds its kind”.
But has monogamy become an option then? What was the purpose of monogamous relationship anyway? How are you to enter a monogamous relationship and what qualities and maturity would it require in order for it to be a pleasureable journey?
So in this sense i find people where monogamy is not for everyone and pardon me if it sounds arrogant to say but monogamous relationship is not entirely given, it is and has to be educated in understanding the benefit and the purpose of monogamy.
Once this is done, monogamy as you said,is a highly recommended ”diet” for everyone.
@@tl8142 Interesting, Monogamy is not exactly our natural default structure and yet history seems to say that it is or at least that's how history looks to me. I can scarcely think of someone that I know, who is older that does not strongly believe in Monogamy. They always add in that its not easy or always fun but that it is the best way or the right way. I was taught this and have been happily keeping to this way all my life. I always looked at history as an indicator of how my Monogamic practice should play out, and well, so far so good.
I take interest in how this thread is unraveling. The initial comment felt like something was missing and so I posted my comment. Well what is it exactly that I meant by that? I guess I felt like the comment suggested to me that diets are not for everyone and I would claim that they are, but perhaps different diets work better for different people. I would make the claim that a diet is not always a weight loss program but simply the process of consuming food for the sake of health and that that would make the term diet a universal for everyone. Something caught my eye about this stuff when we say monogamy we mean a method or structure of relationship(s). I guess that makes the eating healthy as universal, the same as the need for relationships being a universal and simply that different relationship structures work out differently for different people. Ha maybe that is it! I got it or I got somewhere with it.
This is genius!
I agree with her so much!