The Truth the Gay "Community" Doesn't Want You to Know
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- čas přidán 5. 09. 2024
- On television and online the gay community seems warm and embracing, kind and understanding, exciting and adventurous, but once you become a part of it (or should I say "try to" become a part of it) you find it is as riddled with cruelty beyond what you would ever expect from a minority group. In my experience a lot of that cruelty is a product of gay men being constantly abused from all directions our entire lives, BUT... being abused doesn't give us the right to abuse others. We all know the saying, "hurt people hurt people." Let's use our experiences as strength to feel empathy for others so we can create a TRUE COMMUNITY across the globe for ALL of mankind, not just for ourselves.
PART 2 IS COMING SOON. IT'S BEEN A FEW YEARS SINCE THIS VIDEO WAS POSTED, AND I HAVE A FEW NEW IDEAS I'D LIKE TO SHARE AND EXPAND ON--ESPECIALLY AFTER SO MUCH GREAT CRITICAL FEEDBACK IN THE COMMENT SECTION. KEEP AN EYE OUT!
I would genuinely love to hear feedback from other members of the gay community. Have you shared similar experiences? Do you chalk it up to humanity as a whole, or do you also feel the abuse gay men have experienced has shifted perspectives to a less desirable place?
Thank you so much for watching! Make sure you subscribe if you like what you see! I do a bunch of different stuff on my channel! Really, whatever I feel like filming HAHA!
I'd like to add I never share my experience to get "I'm sorry's" in the comments. I understand many feel empathetically or socially compelled to apologize for pain others have experienced, but please don't feel the need to do so here. The hardship and pain we experience is not meant to break us down (although it often does). It is meant to teach us lessons. If you find yourself experiencing the same traumas (as I have found myself doing on many occasion) take the time to focus on what lessons that trauma might have in store for you. Once you learn them you will have broken that cycle! But be prepared! Because once you break a cycle you will always enter into a new cycle. Learn the lessons, grow and keep on going!
Love you guys and gals and non binary pals! And everyone else whom I do not have time to list LOL ❤️❤️❤️ Thanks for being here with me!
Here's the sequel:
• Why are gay men so mea...
That's exactly the reason why God told us in scripture that it's a sin. Not by any reason of dishonor or lack of love for His children. But because He wants to keep them from harm. We all have sin. But when we confess them to the Father, He is just and righteous to forgive us all sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. While I know that many Christian communities fail in grievous sins like judgmental trials, a true godly community embraces and loves you unconditionally while still standing on standard values. Whenever you feel overwhelmed or hurt, you find rest and peace in the word of the cross of Jesus Christ. God bless and love you.
@@selispeks Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences, Seli. While we may have differing views on the subject, I appreciate your willingness to engage in a respectful dialogue. As a Christian, I believe that God's love is unconditional and extends to all of His children, regardless of their sexual orientation or gender identity. At the same time, I also believe that God calls us to live according to His standards, which includes refraining from sexual immorality.
I understand that not all Christian communities live up to these standards, and I'm sorry if you've experienced judgment and condemnation from fellow believers. However, I hope that you can see that not all Christians are like that. There are many of us who strive to love and accept all people, just as Jesus did.
Ultimately, I believe that true peace and rest can be found in a relationship with God through Jesus Christ. But I respect your right to hold different beliefs, and I wish you all the best. Take care.
Not just that. The Bible speaks out constantly about sexual immorality. Homosexual sex is an absolute abomination worthy of death in the Old Testament, and A sin that the Lord abhors - that’s from both the old and New Testament. Gay practicing people should repent and stop making their sexual immorality such a huge part of their personalities. It’s not on any human alive to judge or condemn gay folks, but we shouldn’t support condone or approve of their gay acts.
…this is a wendys, sir
@@albertowilliams959 I love you lol I SCREAMED when I read this lol
Girl
... lol
I don't think there is a gay community. I refer to it as a gay population.
a lot of us older gay guys agree with you! We remember when it WAS a community and not just a train of CAPS who may or may not accept all the other CAPS!
@atrocchia : Yes, the same as Christians.
I can agree with you there. 😢It's almost like we have become the very thing we once swore to destroy.
No community of any kind has ever existed, an entirely imaginary concept. There's people you know and people they know, only from the outside does this get warped into the concept of "community." Friends exist, communities do not and never will exist.
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As a gay man I have experienced everything you talked about and hated the gay scene for a long time and still keep it at arms length. Also as a gay black man I have seen the racism that exists in that world. I fit in more in the straight world than that horrible world.
I definitely feel you! I'm a bit stuck between. Too gay for the straights, and to real for the gays 😭 my community is very small. 1 gay male friend, 1 straight female friend lol that's it.
@@selispeks I luckily have a few gay friends and they are down to earth and fun to be around. I do have a man but he came out when we got together and he has never been infected with gay culture which makes him a jewel.
@@timpipkins5190 Because there's more in the straight world than gay world. It's not rocket science. Hater.
@@Rage_Harder_Then_Relax The best part is I really could careless what a stranger on CZcams thinks.
@@timpipkins5190 couldn't care less, if you 'could care less' it means you care.
As a 45 yr old gay man the gay community gets worse every year. These days if you're not thin, young, and firm get a dog. I retired as a homosexual, at this point to old 😆
Yes, for real! The shallowness truly blows my mind. It's so hard for me to connect with gay men. I'm too blunt and call people out for shady behavior and people don't like it at ALLLL!
@@selispeks Hang in there, you're you g and you still have time. Best of luck to you ☺
I’m 43 and came out in January, never been with a man, but have had a lot same sex attractions and watching gay porn for years. After watching this video, I think I should just focus on other things. No way I can start doing gay at my age. LOL
thers lots of abuse&ageism...am 43 ...bi&humiliated by my younger gay roomate...
i quit being gay too
@Rick Barramore express a desire to meet kind men. Don't be a h03 like I did 😂 you'll get way luckier. I think...
I've given up on finding someone to share my life with. I'm just a normal guy that grew up on a farm raising cattle. I tried the gay scene when I was in my twenties but never fit in. I still have hope that I can possibly find someone but at the same time it exhausts me. Thank you for your story, I think many of us feel much the same way. Peace
The community seems to be riddled with Dismissive Avoidant or Fearful Avoidant attachment types, narcissists (overt and covert) and shallow, vain, emotionally unavailable people. I've given up on finding meaningful connections with other gay men. My trust is gone having been discarded now twice by men who initially idealised me (red flag) before discarding me when intimacy developed. It's a nightmare. I often feel suicidal.
It's how it goes, but don't let that make you life feel less worthy. Someone else's inability to make connections has nothing to do with you. Take it from someone who has successfully ended their own life, been brought back, was in a coma, and had brain damage (me): your life has purpose. Us even having this comment chat shows there are gay people who understand the problem, which means you aren't alone. Check these comments out. A lot of people see it.
@@selispeks Oh goodness thank you so much for your lovely reply. I am holding on and am grateful for channels like yours and to hear about your resilience and spirit. And the comments are certainly comforting. Thank you so much x
This comment is spot on!!
The narcissists are the worst part though, out of all of those. I feel gays have the feeling they have to be narcissistic in order to survive all the bullshit we go through, but some people just never seem to reevaluate their priorities.
I've never felt a part of the gay community. I don't seem to qualify lol.
I'm an introvert that hates parties and loud ppl. I could never!
I feel like I was the weird one since I don’t fit in with gay ppl. I was told that the gay community was to be the place that was supposed to where you find your ppl. For me it was the opposite. Gay ppl seemed to judge me more and make me feel like a true outsider. I was never gay enough and when I tired to act more gay it felt weird. I’m happy to see I’m not crazy and that other feel like this as well.
I completely understand! Weirdly enough for me, the more I became myself the more I "act gay," but I'm still so far from the "real gays" 🤣
Turns out we're all just humans, and the stereotypes are as fcked as we think they are before we try!
Also, there are people only of two colors: black & white - Latino being the middle yet very widely accepted and sought. Me - perhaps I am beige in the winter, tan in the summer; but why does that have to matter? I also look uniquely mixed but get rejected 99% of the time - for hook-ups. Dating and relationship? In my restless dreams.
I'm less concerned with "gay or not gay etc"...
I'm just who I am...
I've learned the labels (which I have little concer for either) have no context when we develop deeper interactions. I affect more growth and change within my proximity that I am able to beyond...
Pre judgments intrinsically are true until our understanding of nature changes because nature itself is always changing...
It's amazing watching effeminate expression transform into strong and powerful because femininity holds those traits too..
Pre judging overlooks insight until given purpose for deeper interaction... opening others to deeper interaction is more likely through one on one person expirences than promotional or advertising...
I hope I completed my thought... I'm getting dozey
@@GuideUsTitus Man, you look good in the picture. Those arms look so good. Can't believe none would like to hookup with you! Maybe wrong area?
@@winnied87 that's the problem: hookup. That's the only thing anyone wants with me if they decide to meet - never anything else. With almost 20 years of experience behind me, I've boiled the primary issue down to racism which is more rampant and widespread among non-hetero men. Women have always wanted me more than men. I've gone my own way a while ago learning to enjoy solitude, being single, and enjoy watching others make fools of themselves. Their problems - not mine. Thanks for the compliment. I make effort to take care of myself to be healthy inside and out - seems like 98% of us do not.
This video is spot on. My first relationship was also with a mentally manipulative sociopath. Most are condescending, judgmental, and demeaning. Drug abuse is a way of life in the gay male community. Our gatherings seem to be rife with inane commentary and we seem to mostly be unable to form an opinion on anything important. Pretty much all of them that I know are xenophobic, racist, and sexist. I have resigned myself to give up the thought of having a community because I don’t fit in with the straights, but I cannot in good conscience contribute in anyway to the current culture. I really appreciate you making this video and I hope we can see a shift in this behavior in our lifetime.
THIS COMMENT MAKES ME SO SAD AND GLAD. I am sad that this is the reality so many of us experience, but I'm glad others recognize it because the first step to change is recognizing the problem. We gotta use our voices to create a shift, but we must speak with understanding and love so people hear our message ❤🏳️🌈
I never fit in with gays or straights either.
I hope your wildly black and white thinking stops, you get some therapy and try to make genuine connections with people and not ostracize individuals by their sexuality alone as there’s much more dimensions in a person. Doesn’t seem like you’ve realized that yet. Probably why you seem so miserable
I live in Madrid, it is the same here. Awful
To be honest u probably fit in better with the straights of your cultural background alot more then u think you do
I was in a long term relationship since I was 21 and it ended recently and I’m almost 29. So I basically didn’t participate at all in the community, I was in a very monogamous and closed off relationship which was also toxic but now I’m experiencing the community for the first time ever, like going out, using Grindr and stuff and I’m honestly really shocked with the prevalence of toxic abusive behavior and I found this video because I was looking for answers of why it is like this. I deleted Grindr today, I just can’t deal with the behaviors I’ve seen there and I’m so done. I feel like isolating myself. Luckily I have really good close friends and they’re mostly lesbian women and despite the prejudices they also faced they seem to be a much more United and healthy community than gay men.
I'm in the same track bro as a bi man ... all these apps are aweful , my gay roomate abused me ...
I find comfort talking with my bisexual lesbian friends, that are less toxic ...
But they don't get the same bullying as me , as they often talk to straight dudes about their sexuality and they find that hot
I was on Grindr for only four hours when I realized the only people interested in me were sad old men who either wanted a quick bl0w j0b or a quick l@y. There was NO interest in a real relationship, which was all I was looking for.
Watch the movie Bros
I know how easy it is to get into the rut of thinking "the horrible gay community is all like this". But it's really not true. Many yes, but "all" definitely not. It's simply paying attention to the wrong sorts of people - in the wrong sorts of places. i.e. grindr and bars will only give you grief.
Shoot for the sweet nerdy ones, not the so-called hot ones. And go for book clubs and sports teams, volunteer at SAGE (for helping elderly gays, delivering food to them etc) & not bars and sex clubs, nor apps.
* It's all where you look, and who you choose to pay attention to. The so-called "less attractive" guys (by society's narrow superficial and faulty definition) ..... are the diamonds in the rough.
@@TwinFalls88this! good point! ❤
I’m 72, lived in San Francisco , came out in late 60’s in the world of gay hippies. Went to the first few gay pride parades then quit for all the same reasons you cited. I no can see that ZERO has changed in the gay world since my young years in SF. I never felt like I fit or that they represented me in any way. 80% were substance abusers/ addicts, modeling bitchy female divas from movies. All that you said was spot on. Then came HIV and most had it. In early 79’s I was in a suicidal crisis and after pouring out my soul for 2 hours to a gay therapist who used to be a priest, he said he is referring me to someone else in his office because he wanted to have sex with me. Then the same thing a few yrs later with a gay MD psychiatrist after seeing him for a long time, while in another crisis. I stopped calling myself gay and only hung out with straight friends and lived happily in the straight world ever since, left the ‘reservation’(San Francisco) for the burbs, became successful and got dogs which is what I learned was true love.Stopped trying to date 35 yrs ago and do every alone with my dogs. I was used to being lonely and ostracized abandoned by my family who were severely abusive drunks. Abused and brutalized at Catholic school but the gay ‘community’ was the worst of all , the frosting on the s___ cake of life, a total disappointment. I learned to never have hurt feelings from a young age. Disappointed yes, but not hurt.
I want to hug you and thank you. You gonna make it on through!
Wow, I am 71 yr. old gay man. I have a stable relationship with my partner of 52 yrs. I don’t know what type of people you’ve met but in my experience I have not met any gay white supremacists. I’ve lived through Stonewall here in New York City, civil rights movement and riots, the bombing of the World Trade Center. But none of that sounds as terrible as the things that you have experienced. I’m sorry that you have suffered so much. I hope that you can find some peace. God bless you.
I'm glad you have a good relationship, that's awesome! And no need to feel bad, it all turned out the way it was supposed to! OMG were you near stonewall or in the area when it happened? That's rad that you were around for such an integral part of our history!
Keep an eye out for part 2, it'll be a more uplifting sequel to this 😅
Not to invalidate or take away from @selispeaks experience or trauma, but I don't believe anything is ascertained by comparing them to the events of 9/11 at the World Trade Center and The Pentagon to say the least.
The only grounds for comparison is that they are both trauma-inducing. To say one is "worse" than the other makes no logical sense. One trauma affects one person for the rest of their life, while the other impacts a community.
Additionally, someone who was impacted by 9/11 may read your comment and feel that you are diminishing their experience. We should be mindful of not treating the trauma of others so casually and flippantly because it projects disrespect.
Some people were similarly comparing mask protocol and vaccinations to being a similar experience to that of the Jewish people during the Holocaust. I am sorry, but wearing a mask is not like the Holocaust. Actually, it was the opposite because if they were forced to wear gas masks they might have had a better chance surviving the gas chambers.
@@Debthouselol the most forgotten victims of holocaust were gay men n brown Romanis 😮😮😮
We're also constantly told that something about us physically isn't good enough, then we get stuck in a hopeless, bitter and harmful cycle of pursuing physical "perfection". It's also a youth focused and driven culture. Like f**k me and god forbid we age past 30.
I know how easy it is to get into the rut of thinking "the horrible gay community is all like this". But it's really not true. Many yes, but "all" definitely not. It's simply paying attention to the wrong sorts of people - in the wrong sorts of places. i.e. grindr and bars will only give you grief.
Shoot for the sweet nerdy ones, not the so-called hot ones. And go for book clubs and sports teams, volunteer at SAGE (for helping elderly gays, delivering food to them etc) & not bars and sex clubs, nor apps.
* It's all where you look, and who you choose to pay attention to. The so-called "less attractive" guys (by society's narrow superficial and faulty definition) ..... are the diamonds in the rough.
That's because "culture" within a community is something that has to be deliberately and carefully cultivated. With the religious right going and just saying that BEING gay is a sin, there is not even a debate about culture. You can't have a good culture where people treat each other right if you don't have values that are similar to religious values, in a sense. Only religious values can't work in the gay community -- but that doesn't mean discarding all morality.
As for the aging thing, is that about gay men following what they find attractive? Or making super strict rules about age? Now take me, for instance. I'm getting older but I take VERY good care of my body and also perhaps look 10 - 15 years younger because I'm from a family that ages very slowly compared to everyone else.
I agree with the principle that you should take good care of your body and try to be physically fit. And maybe the gay community should support you in that -- but with nothing but negative reinforcement only? One thing I noticed about the gay community when I was younger and hadn't gotten "addicted" to the gym, so to speak, was how none of them gave me the slightest support to improve myself in that arena. I was all on my own with no help from anyone, but I eventually "got things together" regarding going to the gym regularly. By myself and with no help from anyone.
Very good at the whole physical fitness side of things now, though.
You’re a very intellectual person that inspires me to know there are people out there like this. I have experienced so much of what you spoke on and the irony is the gay community speaks so often on inclusivity yet finds it so difficult to actually be inclusive in there actions towards others.
I’ve literally been in instances where introductions were happening and I got literally skipped over to introduce myself. Was it because I was overweight? Was it because I had a ring on my finger because I am a gay married/monogamous man? Was it because I wasn’t being loud and in your face and instead was being more of a sponge observing and absorbing things around me? I’ll never know.
I continue to try to find platonic gay friends just to try and find common ground with people but it has been an exhausting albeit impossible journey. Thanks for speaking your story!
Thank you so much for your kind words! Yes, it's crazy how the community is (in my experience) the least accepting & most judgmental (BY FAR) of any I've been a part of. Even anti-gay Christians have been kinder to me than gay men. It really blows my mind.
Sorry to hear you've had the same experience! Just keep people in your life who treat you well, and you will be okay 🥰 thanks again, friend!
Why not try to have platonic str8 male friends too??
But it's like that in the "straight" "community" too. I would characterize this as a problem with society in general
@Riham Ashraf this isn't the topic lol but since you wanted to bring it up, MOST friends are platonic & straight. We don't have to try 😂 they just exist. Everywhere. All the time. Always. No need to try! 😚
@@john.premose I legit would love for you to express your similar experiences. I think we often associate certain experiences with certain groups w/out realizing it's pretty common. Please tag me if you make a video about it 🙏🏻
I'm so sorry about all those awful experiences.
I wish more people could live better lives. No drugs, no fights and no abuse.
Same here! More people will live better as long as we spread wisdom, love & understanding! ❤️
I agree with much of what you are saying. I’m a 61yr old gay man. My partner and I where together for 30yrs. He died three years ago so now I’m alone for the first time in many years. The gay community is really a difficult place to navigate. Good people are out there and I hope you find them eventually. I live in texas unfortunately. There is a “gay pride” organization not too far from me. I reached out to them after my partner died. The guy I spoke to on the phone was very nice. However, when I dropped by there location the guy I spoke to was not there. There were two people there a young man and a female. They were pleasant enough, but when the man went out of the room the female leaned over and told me they were mostly for the youth. I didn’t think much about it at the time. Later when I got home I thought it was offensive. I didn’t realize you stopped being gay after a certain age. Anyway, I left a poor review on their site. Nobody contacted me to see what happened. Nobody contacted me to say that should not have happened. It just reinforced to me that older gay people are not wanted there. I looked at the reviews again and they had removed mine. All the other reviews are just good ones. Such as life.
It is really sad that this culture is catching on in our small community here in Malaysia. And it is so heartbreaking to see everyone being absolutely cutthroat competitive and this competition between ourselves. We are oppressed and discriminated against by our own country's laws, by our society and also now even our community that is supposed to be a safe space. Being one of the admins and leads for one of the largest LGBT+ groups in my country, it is exhausting to get positivity out and educational content out but be beaten down just because someone's cuter, more muscular, or are better at gossiping.
However, I think what is important here is Hope and also to hold your values + ground yourself.
I saw this suggestion on random and I really am happy that I found this video and hear your voice.
You are doing a fantastic job and to be honest, you just need to have a different audience or friend groups.
I thought this was it, but trust me there are way more people out there waiting to hear your voice. Don't ever give up!
You're very nice! I hope everything goes well in your area! 😊 a lot of things might be different, but people everywhere are usually the same. I've lived in a lot of places (all in the US), and I've always found people are the same everywhere.
If we're all honest with each other I think things will change... hopefully!
I once heard that in Singapore Chinese SIngapore gays calls Singapore Gays of Malay Ethinicity "Mutss". They would openly say they dont date Mutts.
@elvinmarvel7643 i have heard of this as well. And cue the incredibly insensitive jokes coming the way as well. With the social media generation, it is almost a given that hot guys equivalent of a greek god is accessible just a few swipes away. Unfortunately, this is also the expectation of the modern rainbow guy. It's saddening to see that so many are obsessed with chasing clout that they put their own mental and physical health out of the way. So long as their selfies gain likes and approvals.
@selispeks 7 Months has passed since this message, and I am happy to say that I am doing better with a new group of friends. Granted, I am still active as an admin, however I am giving myself boundaries to not be affected by the naysayers.
The impostor and self-sabotage will haunt you and me sometimes, but be assured, by putting yourself out there is the first step to know more people, and land on quality friendships that will accept you whatever you look.
I hope you are feeling better and this video has been helpul in bringing more people in or out of the community to be aware of the recent challenges of socialising!
This toxic culture stems from men who internally feel very insecure and helpless. They are trying to compensate for this fact by putting others down. Just remember that a healthy person doesn’t feel the need to put others down.
Maybe it’s a stretch but I feel like the reason we don’t talk about all this stuff is because it would destroy the illusion of “we are just like straight folk, only gay, give us rights to marry and adopt”
I completely agree! We get so much hate from the outside already, they will just use this as gasoline to throw on the fire.
2 years later... In Dallas now, been here since 2011 your assessment is spot on. One of my once close friends got addicted to meth and relapsed a few times. His personality changed once he started using so we kind of stopped chatting. At some of the bars a few guys I know have been said to snort coke in the bathrooms or at some of the parties they throw. I'm not cool enough for their circles and that's fine by me.
It's pretty disastrous and sad. Our community is being torn down even from the inside. I have some hypothesis about how it started, but no matter how we gotta find solutions. I'm sad to hear that happened to your friend. Just remember if they ever need support be there for them. Depending on who they are, they might need that support right now. All my family and all but 2 friends dropped me when I started using, and I really could have used them in my life for support. But some people become really bad people on that stuff... so it depends on who he is. I never stole or hurt people to get high. But a lot of people will.
Wow this has to be one of the most balanced perspectives I have ever heard on this matter. As someone that didn’t come until their mid 20s and has a religious background as a person of color, I found your take on all of this to be very refreshing. It’s been my experience that my value system often does not align with the greater majority of what we call “the gay community” and I have subsequently found myself not having a space to fit into it. Fuck it! Having now just reached 30 years young, I have started the journey of creating “home” within myself.
Thank you for taking the time to validate your own experience which has in turn validated the experiences of many. I am so sorry you experienced the traumas that you endured. I was just saying to someone that the negative stereotypes we see played out in marginalized groups (including gay men) are just living trauma responses to their marginalization. Doesn’t make excuses but gives context. Actress Jane Fonda said it best “violence is the language of the traumatized”. I am and will continue to send you love light and peace. When one heals we all heal. Thank you for being on the planet 🙏🏽❤️😊
You fully made me cry haha in a good way. You rock, keep making that home, friend! I'm workin' on my own as well! ❤️❤️❤️
Im so glad to see another gay black man who speaks with so much class and poise. Im also very religious too, and it has honestly protected me from so many things in the gay community. I would rather stick to my values of monogamy and remain celibate until i meet someone who isn't abusive and can love me correctly. I still need to work on myself though obviously and become a better man because I'm not perfect either. But I think it's really important for the men like us who do not conform to toxic communities, to try and remain untainted and prayed up. I have heard horror stories from other guys, and i honestly feel so lucky and blessed to have been protected for all these years. Especially now that I'm out my partying phase, and i never go to bars/clubs anymore and rejected promiscuity.
I really struggle with feeling I fit in with the gay community in UK/London . I find bring over 45 and of average looks to go against me. Ditto to everything you said!!
they only go against you, if you yourself are too picky.
I know how easy it is to get into the rut of thinking "the horrible gay community is all like this". But it's really not true. Many yes, but "all" definitely not. It's simply paying attention to the wrong sorts of people - in the wrong sorts of places. i.e. grindr and bars will only give you grief.
Shoot for the sweet nerdy ones, not the so-called hot ones. And go for book clubs and sports teams, volunteer at SAGE (for helping elderly gays, delivering food to them etc) & not bars and sex clubs, nor apps.
* It's all where you look, and who you choose to pay attention to. The so-called "less attractive" guys (by society's narrow superficial and faulty definition) ..... are the diamonds in the rough.
We need to talk about this more. There are so many issues within the LGBTQ community, we have ageism, racism, and we have this stigma in the community where if you do not look like a model with a 6-pack then you are not attractive or sexy. I remember fighting to end labels in the gay community and now it seems like now everyone and everything is labeled.
I agree. And we don't need all this in-fighting and labeling right in the middle of all these right wing psychopaths attacking and negatively labeling us.
@@selispeks after 18 we are independent in some countries after 16, so we can have our own life. BUT the most time wasting thing is trying to find a relationship
@@selispeks finding a top guy is impossible especially after 30 - 35 years old
I might be completely naive and/or b-list, but Chicago has a really big community, and I’ve been really happy here. I know there are the a-listers, who I have zero interest in hanging out with, but there are mostly really good people here. At least from my experience.
@@selispeksthis shyt is wtf threatens tf out of our commitments to liberation and abolition as gay men 😮😮
you spoke a lot of facts in this video. there’s a lot of toxic shit in popular gay male culture, and a lot of us are waking up to it. don’t let anyone in these comments gaslight you into feeling like you’re “self hating” or “overreacting”.
we need as many men speaking up as possible
That was really sweet, I love that! NGL, I am getting some comments--particularly on the sequel video to this one--about how I'm creating a problem by speaking about it. Makes me think of, "If you talk about being poor that's why you're poor." That same argument lol Thank you for the kindness. That motivates me to continue speaking THE TRUTH!! You're awesome!!
@@selispeksfor some reason speaking up about it triggers some people. They’re likely projecting their own issues. Some don’t want to see “the elephant on the room”, so to speak. Please keep it up though - it helps many of us! ❤
Hello, let me begin by saying how incredibly sorry I am this happened to you. Sometimes when I hear stories like yours, I just have no words. I wish, as a culture we were better to our own. I find myself happiest living on the periphery of gay society. I get along best there. I am so happy you are where you are now in life and survived. Your story is incredibly moving, and I just wanted to say Thank you for sharing it.
Thank you!! 🥰
Very impressive video! I used to go to gay bars and drink and chain smoke because I wanted to fit in. I eventually realised that being gay is only one aspect of me and that there are countless others that need to be embraced. I've been so much happier since and I'm glad there are other people out there who see what I see. Thank you for making this xo
Gay bars made sense in the 70's when there was tons of homophobia and you needed your own place but now being queer is more accepted maybe there's less need for gay bars in some areas. Just speculating - do you think that's true.
Well put and exactly my feeling.
The other day I just got body shamed without even writing this person. They just started the chat with calling me short even tho I have an average height for a man. It made me feel horrible. The worst part is that I blamed myself for being soft. I just thought to myself if I don’t belong to the straights and don’t fit the gay standards, where do I belong? Thankfully I have close and accepting friends (mostly women) that keep me going.
I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through and thanks for sharing your experiences and giving us some hope that there are other people like you.
The word 'survivor' is an understatement here. Dude your an inspiration and thanks not only for a thoughtful conversation but for the openness you showed here. Was honestly expecting something typical when I clicked but wow
Aw thank you so much!! This made my day!
It’s true there are a lot of things about the gay community that are flawed. There’s so much that isn’t even in this video that we all have experienced. Thank you for sharing your story! ♥️💕❤️
Yes there is! I'm thinking about making a part 2! And thank you!!!
Everything you say is true. I've been able to stay away from drugs, promiscuous sex etc by shutting it down immediately. This doesn't win you many gay friends and so I have very few gay friends that I can call at 3 am in the morning.
I know how easy it is to get into the rut of thinking "the horrible gay community is all like this". But it's really not true. Many yes, but "all" definitely not. It's simply paying attention to the wrong sorts of people - in the wrong sorts of places. i.e. grindr and bars will only give you grief.
Shoot for the sweet nerdy ones, not the so-called hot ones. And go for book clubs and sports teams, volunteer at SAGE (for helping elderly gays, delivering food to them etc) & not bars and sex clubs, nor apps.
* It's all where you look, and who you choose to pay attention to. The so-called "less attractive" guys (by society's narrow superficial and faulty definition) ..... are the diamonds in the rough.
@@TwinFalls88Preach!! I’ve experienced my fair share of toxicity from gay men, but that isn't the entire community. I'm lucky to have an amazing boyfriend who is super supportive and our relationship is going strong. I know a lot of gay men who are super sweet and empathetic and amazing. Many of them helped me get through some super rough times when I was first trying to come out it's just about finding the right people and sticking with them.
@@Anonymous-qh9gq
💜
I’m on the other side of the gay spectrum where no one knows I’m gay unless I tell them I am. I’ve learned I have almost nothing in common with the gay community. I can’t stand being in gay bars (energetically uncomfortable for me). I’m not interested in drag, the sex/clique roles, and more of a man that prefers to be in the wilderness with very few people. Most gay men prefer cities and that external/substance/sex chasing than inward reflection.
I was lucky that my family was supportive of me in the 1990s. My friends supported me, and this was rare in the 1990s in rural Kansas. They protected me from people waiting for me with baseball bats after tennis practice. So, I saw that you could be killed for the perception of being gay. Being a student athlete and actually masculine was more dangerous than being obviously gay in the community I was in.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I concur with your findings from your experience from my own experience attempting to connect with the community I’m supposed to be part of.
Truth is one's sexuality and sexual orientation and race is the least important thing Abt a person.
I meet gay guys and after a while of getting to know them , when they find out my bro is gay ........ Then all of a sudden they are like "omgosh why didn't u mention that, usually ppl when I first meet them will tell me all the gays they know " and it's like ..... Why shud it matter . We are all humans .
This was honestly really healing to hear. I’m a trans lesbian who did a lot of community work/volunteering at an org that fell apart because of purity culture thinking. I know I played a part in things and looking back, I wish I had been more self aware…
I’ve been out of touch with the community for a few years now and looking back, I wish I would’ve just focused on healing from my own trauma..
I completely understand and agree! I wish I'd been focused more on that myself, but hey, at least we're here now, eh?! Haha
Exactly 💯, I have never been in states in the middle of us, I have heard many stories about that section of the country. But, yeah, I agree with most of this content. Like you said, everyone is different. It is scary in the world we are living. I don't like talking about people because nobody is perfect. I try my best to be kind, respectful, and loving towards everyone . I really hope for world peace.
I love you Seli and I wish none of that bad stuff ever happened to you. I wish it a whole lot. I am glad you are safe now.
Thanks, my friend!! Hope you are doing well! ❤
The amount of Likes vs. Dislikes (currently 241-0 ) is telling. Someone commented below "I retired as a homosexual...". I love that statement! I think I have too. Save for a few out-of-country Pride events, I've pretty much bowed out of the "community" with my core group of a gay friends, my love of 7yrs, and my sanity intact.
LOL I appreciate that, but CZcams removed the dislike counter so every video looks like it has 0 now 😂 we will never know how many people hate this video LOL probably pissed off a lot of queens 🤣
Have you quit meth? As a nice gay man I hope that you have found recovery for your addiction, along with some counselling for the abuse that you experienced when you were young and during your time when you were travelling around these six states. I’m sorry for what you have been through. The people that you met are not the type of gay men that I know nor hang around/ live with, because I’m not that kind of gay man. That’s not the type of places that I would go to, and I don’t know much about gay porn nor BDSM. I have very strong boundaries, and if I heard gay men demeaning another person out of spite I would speak to the owner and/or manager about the situation and then I would leave this establishment and steer clear of the people that were being so discriminatory.
There’s a lot of generalisations about gay men in this vlog, and for many locations, especially in the South of the United States, where you have been in New Orleans, Dallas-Fort Worth and the six Southern States where you went into a drinking establishment with what sounds like you frequented and tried to make friends with people that were not nice.
There’s many nice gay men that live in New Orleans, Dallas-Fort Worth, Oklahoma and New Mexico where you have lived, but they don’t go to these establishments, live with gay men that they don’t know and don’t like, and are not into BDSM, Crystal Meth or hanging out with racist porn creators.
I hope that you are sober and have left these Klansmen quickly after the first signs of their behaviours and attitudes. I hope that you have been able to get out of this situation and were able to find sobriety. If you are still using methamphetamine and want to find sobriety seek out NA and get a Sponsor that can help guide you to a better, safer and sober life.
You will restore your self-confidence and your sobriety, which will open up your life to a more fulfilling life once you take the steps to recovery. It’s not easy, according to my friends that also found themselves struggling with addiction. With a drug and alcohol free life you can start over and find healthier and happier new friendships that are far better.
BDSM is not a popular choice in the gay community. I’ve never been around it, and it sounds like you have been through a lot of three years that took you to four states.
Just because you fell into addiction and abuse doesn’t mean that every gay man acts in the manner. That’s your experiences, not one that all gay men participate in the actions that you have described. I’m aware of the issues surrounding addiction, but I have never participated in any of what you have mentioned. I have known of some men , straight, bi, gay, non-binary and trans that struggled after years of abuse and self medicated through addiction.
Sobriety is a far greater way to find healthier and happier lives and relationships. Take care.
@Gary Gans maybe FULLY watch videos before you respond. How rude. Wow lol
@@garygansbrubakertotally agree; there's lots of us gays who aren't promiscuous or into drugs, but we keep to ourselves, lmao.
i tell you, i dislike your video cause is false. nothing you say happened to me. this seems a christian sects trying to attract self hating people and nothing more. very suspicious.@@selispeks
I know, I’m not exactly the intended audience of this video, but as a bisexual woman, I have also felt a lot of exclusion from the queer “community”. I really appreciate you speaking out on this. It’s sad to see what we have become. We should be embracing and uplifting each other, not tearing each other down.
nah fr like i used to kinda side-eye bisexuals for not claiming the gay community (back when i was a dumb kid) and saying that they dont feel welcomed but i'm a young gay man now and i dont feel welcomed 💀, i just wanna say that you're so valid ♥
@@hazaubel6532 Thank you. 💜 I’m sorry you don’t feel welcome, either. You are valid as well!
@@hazaubel6532 you're a bajillion percent valid btw 💯💪🏼🥳‼️🥰
We got the power to make the world better, we gonna do it, get ready!
@@DoubleBlack2.0 you're so kind. Keep that ❤️
it's gonna take you far 💫🌳🛤🌳💫
Oh god I was just thinking this! Busexual woman/nonbinary.
Well... I just relived a bunch of memories through your stories. I have to say, for the most part, you are right. Gay culture has not been a positive spin on my psyche. At all. It has taken me some time to reset myself and discard the crap that weighed heavy on me since my late teens... I'm in my fifties now. Trying to meet/date someone in the gay world is a nightmare. So much muck to get through to the few decent guys who haven't sold themselves out completely already. But those 'decent' guys have got to be out there, don't they(?). I hope so anyway.
Well, I wish you luck! If you feed a man like you feed your dogs on their birthday any guy would be lucky to have ya!! ❤️
They are my friends,they are,spent 42 years ashamed,came out last year,
they are. but sadly many don't pay attention to them. we ourselves have to be less picky and more depth oriented.
I am so sorry that you have suffered at the hands of people that you thought were your friends. As a gay man myself I have never let myself fall into there culture basically because I did I not always like what I witnessed. To say I have sat on the fence all my life and that has suited me ok for the most. As I listen to your blog I totally empathise with your feelings. It tough out there ,thankfully we are not all like that. Yes it’s hard to find people that have the same values as you but please keep trying I am sure that there is mr right for you somewhere,needle in a haystack situation I no. But remember as lonely as life can be sometimes your worth more and you no it hold out for what you need not what’s there. We can’t change what’s going on out there but we don’t have to put up with it. Stay safe my friend. X
3 years later and his words ring truer than ever...
You got it, buddy! Find good people and lift each other up and f those jerks out there! ❤️
I agree. I live in Buenos Aires, and the community here is similar. Thank you for speaking out
Aw, dang! I was thinking about moving there Because I've heard it was awesome 😭
@@selispeks haha sorry, three months ago I was let down by someone. Anyways, in general, living here is cool. People are kind and open.
Having suppressed my true sexuality for 40+ years because of my fundamentalist Christian upbringing (married and had children), I am now divorced/ lost relationship with my children and able to recognise that I've been running from myself all my life and hoping to connect with "my community". Your video has been quite instructive and highlighted to me the need to remain true to whom I believe I am and not trade it for the need for friends (though really desperate for them) and the life long need to be accepted. Good pointers to be aware of though so sad that we seek this 'safe haven' only to find its being run by the witches. Thanks for the reality check and I really wish for you a peace within yourself that will outshine the bad memories xxx
Don't give up on finding other gay friends. Even if they're not your main group, it's nice to have a few people who get you in that way.
20+ years in this environment, and after having a relationship on both sides of the aisle, you are spot on!
It's time to make it better! So many agreements 😭❤️
You are seriously a very intelligent person who's eyes are wide open. I know it's not your 'responsibility', but I think it's amazing that you choose to speak your truth so others can understand they have choices. We ALL have choices - to be better than how we were, or even still are, being treated. As the saying goes - which spans across the globe for all people - 'damaged people damage people'. Yes, it's a reason, and explanation, but never an excuse or pass to continue doing so. WE get to decide how we treat others, how we allow others to treat us and who we are going to be as humans on this earth.
I sincerely appreciate the stories of your life that you share and who you choose to be, despite how you've been treated. This is how it stops. Taking responsibility and accountability for our own actions and choices is not about 'blame' - it's about realizing we have the power to be different, to be better. My life is not the same as yours, I have not had the same specific experiences and we are decades different in age - but I come from a long line of damaged people who damaged people. It's sad to realize just how common this is. And I am just so incredibly happy you are taking your power back and sharing these experiences and insights with others - because if it makes a difference in even just one person's life - what an amazing gift you've given. A chain has been started and it will absolutely lead to more and more people realizing they have a choice and that they DESERVE BETTER than any abuses they've experienced and they can also be better by no longer passing it on to others. Instead, pass on love and acceptance.
Life is so finite, the sooner we wake up and realize our own worth and truly find self love, the better. And it's never too late, no matter how old. Once you love yourself, you suddenly find love for everyone else and that's how we can make this world a truly better place for all of us. You just fucking rock!
You're so sweet, I appreciate you taking the time to say all that! ❤️
Where to begin? I can only speak to my own experiences here, but I agree with the basic point that the idea of a "community" is a farce. I never fit into any of the established "tribes" and could never navigate my own way to find my own. Being my authentic self wasn't good enough (now that I am older and unattractive I am persona non grata), and daring to challenge sacred cows has caused devastating loneliness and far more trauma than I ever experienced from any family, religious figures, or any other group that has historically oppressed gay people.
I feel ya deeply!!
Keep knocking those cows down. I am happily a social critic now. Your loneliness will subside as long as you continue finding people to share your story, and accept your truth.
Females make good friends and life partners
I am 29 and have been out since 20. I didn't start exploring the gay communities in my area until a little over 3 years ago. But this has not been my experience at all. Sorry to hear you had to go through this.
Just think about how rare it is for a gay man to get together with another gay man as friends, doing something that they both like (a hobby) like going on a hike, or practicing guitar together, or whatever it is, but that does not include a bar, drinking or drugs.
Basically NEVERRR. I know a few people who do things like that, and I have with 2 gay men, otherwise... nope. If you meet up chances are you're bangin'.
@@selispeksI had my first experience a few weeks ago and I'm turning 44 next week. We hang out, play games together, and go out to eat a lot. It's definitely not just hooking up. But then again up until we first hooked up we were just friends and I've been straight all my life so I have no experience in the community. This video makes me glad I met who I met because I don't think I would look for another guy after this.
Thank for sharing your story. I knew racism existed in the gay community but I honestly didn’t know that there were white nationalists. As a gay black man myself, I feel blessed that I haven’t had your experiences. I didn’t come out until my mid 20s. By that time, I was already a professional with a degree. My gay circles were full of professionals such as lawyers, teachers, college professors, artists, and musicians.
That's a nice circle to have
Not all of us were that lucky or fortunate. Count your blessings!
To refer to gay “community” is similar to say “black people community” or “left handed people” i mean just a demographic population in which everyone got differences. Of course there are gay males without manners or empathy. Plus, there are gays who love makeup, dragging, girly pop and that sort of things, while others might prefer sports, kind of ‘male-ish’ activities. What you mentioned about gays being constantly abused by their closest circle and normalizing it is a sad truth in many parts of the world. But it’s even sadder if you tell me gay people you met is still trying to force you into a mold and make you feel even more uncomfortable than with straight people. I wish you find those comprehensive gay friends who can be a life-changing support. ❤ Note: i can tell why you mentioned gays and straights don’t understand each other at best, but don’t discard the possibility of finding a straight friend who actually respects you and care about you 😊❤. Greetings from Peru 🇵🇪🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️
After reading the comments: wow, i didn’t figure out this was such a thing around US gay people community. We should all make an effort to be a real community (for the most vulnerable‘s sake ❤️ among LGBT+ people 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️)
Even though you are speaking from your own experience, the ugly truth is that your experience is not as uncommon as you would think, and that’s the reality that many of us can’t really handle.
Spot on! We gotta figure out a solution to this and so many other issues. I really think banding together is the answer! 💪🏼🏳️🌈💪🏼
Interesting but I met with many bi guys who said that, regarding the gay hook up scene, gays play constant games so if you are a very horny guy, it's torture the way they treat you. Leading you on only to change their minds. Standing you up for dates and hook up encounters all the time. But one thing they also say is that women treat men even worse than gay men treat men, on that front.
The only thing I can point to, which both gays and women have in common, is the whole Identity Politics "victimhood" ideology of feminism and the LGBTQ scene. Where it's decreed that men victimize women mostly and women never victimize men back. That's like spoiling a child and have you ever grown up with a spoiled child and been exposed to the way they behave and treat others? I have.
And then, in the gay scene, it's always decrees that the bisexual men or the more masculine gay men, or the ones who are more horny and higher sex drive, "oppress" the more feminine gay men -- who don't owe you the time of day and who can wallow in their own victim status, and don't have to worry about the way they treat others because society decrees they are fine.
Political correctness is awful because, so long as you have fulfilled those technical requirements, it no longer matters that you be a nice person in a more holistic way anymore. Just follow the speech code, and after that, you can be as rotten as you want, so long as it's in a sneaky passive aggressive way.
All of those messages society gives some groups, like gays and liberal women, really do matter and really do count.
Someone needs to explain to those groups that they are very nasty. And that, if you are nasty like that, you deserve to be punished in life. For instance, instead of closing the gender wage gap, let's widen it. Why? Because you are not entitled to more money so long as you are that mean and that selfish. Do we really need gay marriage? Considering the way gays treat one another, most relationships fail due to gay culture so I think we got gay marriage only because a bunch of greedy lawyers saw the money making potential from divorce.
Thank you so much for this video, and the honesty of your experiences and thoughts about the Southern USA. I only discovered your video recently (last night) and it came at a good time for me as I tried to evaluate my own country and other countries. The drug consumption doesn't appeal to me at all, but it was the lack of care and campassion for others that helped cement my opinion that the Southern states of USA weren't for me, and to be honest probably not the Northern etc. A straight male friend of mine originally from USA had previously cautioned me against travelling solo to the Southern parts of USA and your video helped me appreciate why. I'm still not entirely happy with my own country, and I will continue to find the community I want (geographically, online etc). I hope your journey is positive and allows you to find yours. All the best.
Aw, I'm curious to know where you are now!
@@selispeks I live in Australia, in the state capital of Melbourne. It's way better suited to me than other cities like Sydney, but I am looking for and hoping to find a location that suits me best. The people, the environment etc. How have you been, and how are things going where you are? Sorry for the delay replying to your reply, I only just now became aware of it as my phone didn't give me an alert like it did with your other reply. Cheers and Thanks, Clint
Yep...I'm equally "unimpressed" by "gay culture". At around age 16/17 I remember seeing gay bars on TV and thinking how GREAT they must be...everyone "nice", friendly, basically "like myself". By age 19, I'd quickly realized that gay men were usually pretty "messed up" and questions like "so....are you bitch or butch?" and "have you got any poppers?" were pretty much as classy as it got. That was London, in the late 80s. HIV/AIDS was also a HUGE thing at the time...more "disappointment" about how gay life seemed to be.
I moved to Rome when I was 22/23. More disappointment. Anyone "respectable" wouldn't be seen dead in a gay bar, we didn't have gay dating apps or websites or anything like that yet either, of course. 3 years of singledom ensued.
Next, New York City. At first it seemed pretty cool, as far as gay men were concerned. That impression VERY quickly wore off, though. Back to London...only to realize there was a reason that I left in the first place!! So, eventually, back to New York again. The US is a bit of a nonsensical choice for me, since I much prefer uncut guys, but there you have it. 🤷♂️ 20+ years later, and despite plenty of "interest" from other guys, I'm still single. I just don't like gay men all that much 🤷♂️ I don't mean "as people", I mean as a potential partner. My two best friends in Italy were super-camp, but lovely people - AS FRIENDS. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone like that, though. I like MEN. Once in a while I meet someone"suitable", but invariably it doesn't work out, for one reason or another. Gay men are so often "messed up". It's incredibly hard to find a "normal" gay guy. I know that statement won't go down well with a lot of people, but I'm sticking with it!
If anyone's thinking "he's probably hideous, that's why he's single", my nickname, 20 years ago, was Doogie, and the last guy I had a fling with said "Barney Stinson!" as soon as he saw me for the first time. So, I'll let you figure out (roughly) what I look like 😄
Dark-haired, hairy-chested,non-fucked-up guys form an orderly line, please. BF applications are welcome 🤣 Joking, but hey, you never know 😊
I have watched this video over and over again bc its JUST SO TRUE!! As an afro-latin QUEER and gender nonconforming individual, I receive SO MUCH white supremist, anorexia disorder COWARDS calling me either ugly or fat (im an otter now; was a twink when i was fucking 16 a decade ago) on grindr, home of the “no fats, no blacks, no fems”. Of course now you can’t put that on your profile, but the mindset (ignores, blocking, never being “the type”) is alive and well. You hit the nail on the coffin with gay men being white nationalists. Additionally, anorexia disorders also are the way to go. All over the online dating apps, as well as gay male bars and clubs. Fucking hate it all.
Yep it's a nightmare. Grindr is the worst app. On top of everything you just said it's a bunch of tweakers getting innocent teens hooked on meth. This "community" needs an overhaul.
@@selispeksI deleted Grindr ages ago, its a complete toxic cesspit.
Grindr is a cesspit. No sane person should be on there.
I find it weird how some people will state what they _don't_ want instead of what they really want. It's odd
To be honest the gay ones who are not very nice tend to be the ones who live entirely within the “scene” bubble. Plenty of nice and sane ones but they’re living ordinary lives and don’t segregate themselves from the world or make their sexuality define their entire existence
Very sorry you actually went through this stuff...but also glad you are moving on and up from there.
I'm a gay man who doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs, doesn't sleep around. To make even a friendly connection with the gays is so difficult. I used to be able to get by somewhat on my looks/athleticism and knew that it would only happen while I was still in my 20s. Now that I'm in my 40s, it's insanely hard.
Wait til you are in your 50's, 60's.
Wow… you hit such a nerve and I commend you for being a voice speaking out. This is something that needs to be addressed. I feel heard and seen. As a filmmaker, voices like yours and talking about the side of gay life that is brushed under the rug. I really respect you for this and I wish I knew and was friends with a person such as yourself. Thank you for sharing,
Lito
Aw thank you! That's very kind!
Preach it, brother. (Yes I know this was 3 years ago but it really needs to be said again and again, even today)
Thank you!
Thank you for this info. Im in a "straight passing" relationship, I'm bi and my wife is gender fluid. We are happy and open about things. I dont feel like I fit a mold either. So sorry you went thru all that but thank you for speaking up, i hope this turns someone from harm ❤
I'm glad y'all are open about it! Closet cases make my blood boil 😅 if all people were honest about their sexuality we would have full equality by now. Its the people staying quiet that harm the community worldwide the most! And yes, me too! I hope it helps any newly out folks to be more aware of the reality of human beings. We are not all kind. In my opinion most people are quite cruel, but I'm sure that opinion is not shared with many 😅
@@selispeks isn't that a bit hypocritical of you to say "closet cases make my blood boil"? I've been persecuted by gay people for not being "out" enough. I've had people refuse to speak to me because I don't fit their stereotype of what being "out" should mean. I would've expected you to have more sympathy for that. Isn't that the exact kind of thing you're talking about in this toxic so-called community?
@@john.premose he meant those men who act or pass as straight and go further to shade/degrade/publicly attack gay men who are open & honest about their sexuality in hopes of convincing people that they themselves are straight when they really aren't.
It makes my blood boil too. I also feel bad for the wives who are in the dark but society encourages this behavior so it is what it is. It's easier being down low than an open & honest gay man. That is why people need to be honest & drop the act
@@John-dd9vx gay guys are toxic as heck especially the ones who get all self-righteous about it. I'm over that and I could care less about whether anybody thinks I'm out enough. They are just bitter because they desire guys who are masculine but at the same time they envy them and want to condemn them. It's just plain toxic.
@@john.premose You really called me out here. I'm going to screenshot your comment and journal about this if that's alright with you. I apologize for alienating you with my comment(s).
Dang, you came in with a hammer to my ego 😅 I appreciate that. I really freakin do 🙏🏻💪🏼❤️🏳️🌈
I thought I was the only one who had similar experiences. I'm old, I came out back in 1974, I'm 63. Thanks for posting. In Ohio here. What you're saying is so true.
I'm glad [and sad af] that this resonates with you. I feel like since we're trying to gain equality we're not speaking about the community accurately or it will give the baddies something to use against us, but it's truly breaking people. The silence must stop NOW.
It true even here in Tennessee. No cohesiveness at all
Thank you for posting about your experiences. I'm sorry it's been so hard on you, and I admire you've been able to hold onto whatever it is you feel makes you, you. My experience has been one of invisibility. I grew up in the mountains of NC, so particularly isolated in a lot of ways. In a lot of other ways, I'm fortunate. I haven't experienced nearly the amount of hardships you, and others with similar backgrounds have gone through. Still it's been, and continues to be a very lonely existence.
You pretty much nailed it on the head in your description of a segment of the gay world. This sounds like the bar scene. There is a gay world outside of bars and clubs, although it's not always immediately available unless you seek it out and you have the resources of a large city at your disposal. That said, even in the non-bar scene--support groups, meetups, book clubs, athletic clubs--there is nevertheless a tendency among certain gay men to resort to the mean girls behavior you describe. Of course, it's a generalization and not everyone is that way. I've noticed that the lower in the looks category a person is, the more he has to work on other aspects of himself. Many with great looks seem to have stunted emotional development--their looks have always gotten them what they want so why bother to develop a pleasant personality? These types seem most prevalent in the fast-paced world of drugs and easy sex that are so plentiful in the gay world. I think you're right in attributing some of the behavior to internalized self-hatred; in fact, I don't think it would be too far to assert that many gay men suffer the effects of trauma and use drugs and sex to numb their pain. But I also think we need to keep in mind that gay men are men and men tend to be competitive and often use aggression to assert their place in the social hierarchy. I think if straight men could use women the way gay men use each other the straight world would probably look more similar to the gay world. But the straights have social pressure to get married, settle down, and have a family which gay men do not. And women are much more evolved in the direction of promoting social harmony and networks of support. Left to their own devices, many males withdraw. Social disagreeableness is far more common among men than women. Most narcissists and sociopaths tend to be men as well and most violent crime is committed by males. This is not to say that there are not great people out there; it's just that the gay world has evolved into a kind of Lord of the Flies situation where women have been banished and the uglier aspects of male behavior often come to the fore.
I love your thoughts on this! Thank you for sharing! Sorry I'm not saying more, I had quite a few long comments today and a lot to think about 😅 lots of very well thought out comments, I love & appreciate it so much!
@@selispeksPerhaps staying in the closet and keeping a low profile had some positive aspects: no STDs, no drugs, etc. However it did not protect me from homophobic bullying by 3 people who figured out I was Gay.
Yeah, I’ve noticed that in the gay community pretty much any community. If you don’t do certain stuff they don’t except you and it’s stupid as hell. I find it immature and it’s based on insecurity. I’m sorry that you had to go through that honey. You know you’re such a strong, intelligent individual and I’ll say this I don’t fit in certain things because well I’m a minority number one number two I’m bi and number three I’m soft.
I’ve only just stumbled on this but really loved your points and as a gay man, I agree with a lot of it! I’ve not come across a lot of that darker stuff but I’ve never been in a scenario in which group sex was going on. I’m in the UK as well… I feel like things may be a bit milder here. However, in London, there is a huge chemsex issue and many men are addicted to that cycle every weekend
I feel that! Chemsex is a HUGE deal here. It's epidemic levels, but the government, news and health departments here still shrug it off because we're gay--they don't care one bit.
Hi I am a danish gay at 62 years old. I do think all those negative things comes from self hatred. I my self is monogamous, and I am irritated that you can't meet gays on a social level without sex. Why can't we take a walk, a bicycle tour with out it has to be about sex? I live in a small town, I love the nature, woods. I wan't to bicycle and sleep in a tent, I love gardening and I love books. But I never really found anybody sharing the things I like so much.
I love the same things! Don't get me wrong, I also like sex 😅 and I cam get freaky as hell, but I usually just want to be with another human being who understands my journey and shares my values. It can be super difficult. I'm with ya, buddy! 😊 We'll get there! I hope!
I believe I can connect with this. Im a 32 year old gay man. I started to get feelings for a guy in my early 20s, and we had a good thing going, and I thought he was going to be my boyfriend. I felt he had feelings for me but started to ignore me and not talk to me when a girl came into the picture. I blocked him in 2016 after he was playing games with me.
Fast forward to 2017 and met another gay man. We had a good friendship going for 4 years and started to get deep feelings for him. I finally got a chance to meet him in 2021. After spending a day and half together, he started to distance himself from me. I wanted to talk to fix things with him, but that was no use. It woke me up to how much of a sociopathic person he was after thinking about what he's done over the course of our friendship. He emotionally used me for years and even went after my weight, telling me to eat more so thats mental abuse, but because i was new to romance, I didn't notice anything wrong at first. I got rid of him after about 5 months of terminal heartbreak. Today, i feel stronger, but i never lost my nature of being a good hearted person who can love anyone.
I don't think this gentleman is bashing being gay or calling it a sin. He is spot on the negative images and acts some in out own gay community have on being gay.
Lol well I sure hope I'm not bashing it or calling it a sin because I'm gay as hell, and I don't believe in "sin" 😅
@@selispeks You on the right path my friend! no worries
Hearing your experience and others as well, I see how out of the curve mine has been. It's eye-opening, and helps shedding some light in such a dark world. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for watching! Everyone's experiences can be so different, I appreciate you hearing mine out 🥰
That is horrible, in Brazil there is also toxicity and competition and in carnival it tends to get very dirty, but I have never seen anything at this level. I'm 19 and I came out when I was 16, it wasn't easy, just like most Brazilian families religion is very present. It was difficult, I didn't have any support at first, but there were never any drugs or anything like that. Today I have a boyfriend and I'm very happy. I didn't imagine it was so hard for you guys. Wish you all the best and a lot of inner peace.
That’s difficult for me to accept, though I do believe you. Brazilians are generally so attracted, both cis and trans, that I wouldn’t think it would be such a contest. But I do know Brazil is very religious, so I can see how that can be oppressive.
I hear ya. When I was 33 I only dated older men, because going to a bar to trash people in our community was just not my thing. So, like you, they didn't really like me. I was pretty good looking, so I never got ostracized. One time, I was in Palm Springs and they were dishing on me. So, I got up an said I was leaving. I found no need to fight, I had a car and had a home to go to. But, my friend said, "You're leaving? Why? Then proceeded to lecture me on being dramatic for not wanting to stay and have an argument" I was like, no thanks! I went out with this 28 years old, because he kept asking me out and I finally gave in telling him, this is not going to work. We went to dinner, stopped at a bar, his friends were there. They started dishing on people, so I told him, your friends can give you a ride home, I am leaving. You just have to have boundaries.
I don't wanna bum you out, but I am in my 60's and that is the way that is was. As far at the Pride Parade, look up San Francisco Pride 1975. It was naked men back then. So it did not change.
Aw, well I guess we'll just stay fucked then 🤣 thank you for sharing 🥰
@@selispeks czcams.com/video/n78m5DM32w0/video.html
czcams.com/video/wt20VF7Lvb4/video.html Don't romanticize a wholesome Disney version of the LGB community....We were never that picture you paint.
I deeply sympathize. At first I told to myself that I have to share this video in my local gay social groups, and by the end of video I felt like there's is no point, why should I share it?
It won't change anything, they will only at me as the enemy, miserable and lonely gay guy who suffer from internalized homophobia, the magic word for dismissing any criticism against gay.
Fuck it. I'm not gonna change my world. If I can't fit in, I won't push myself using force. Let them do what they want.
That's the reason I never go near any gay bar these days.
I'm straight but I can think of a million reasons to dislike, hate a human being but being gay is not 1 of them. We all want to be loved and excepted but a large majority of "us" do and say the very things we say we hate or dislike in others. Being different or having different views doesn't make 1 person or another bad it just makes us different. I like different. If we're all the same what a boring world we would live in right? FYI I really miss your tiktoks💙💯
I love this comment! If only more people felt the same way! Aw thank you!! Honestly, leaving TikTok is the 2nd best decision I've made in 2020, right behind starting resin art 🤣
@@selispeks Was going to say, I also miss your TikTok's - but if leaving that platform has been a good decision for your own personal happiness and well-being - then more power to you! As much as I'm happy you are able to use another platform to keep sharing your story and knowledge - it's much more important to make the choices that are best for you. Self love, self care are so incredibly important!
Right? I'm totally with you.
@@DragonInks yeah, I'm very glad I left. As of today I have left all social media except CZcams! 🥰
💙💖💛🧡💚💙💜
Very eye opening. I'm a bit stunned...
I LIVE for the shaking camera! And you make great points!
LOL I kept kicking the table 😅 my legs shake lol
This video needs to go viral 🌻💙
OMG: I had no idea how awful the gay world can be; I have lived such a sheltered life, believing in kindness as a guiding force. Never done drugs or been into any 'scene'. Am surprised you have survived. And yes, those pride marches of 'drunk gay men in thongs' are so tacky. Many thanks for sharing your thoughts.
I like the definition of gay population. After the onslaught of SIDA on my exlovers in 1985 I stopped being part of the "community" and happily retired in 1991 as one of the commenter said so aptly. The gay fascination for empty models like Madonna the Kardashians and other Hollywood critters has nothing to stir me either. Domestic peace, great books, cooking and my 2 cats make me happy.
In my business experience with gay men, you are absolutely spot-on and correct. They can act in a dgrading manner.
I have come to terms with the narcissism covert and overt in the gay community. I now realise I have to put my welfare in my hands and no one else.
I feel calm and relaxed with that knowledge now .
I get more comradely friendships with straight guys at my gym that any gay guys .
This resonates deeply. I’m queer more into the goth and punk scenes and don’t relate to other gays most of the time. I don’t frequent gay bars or events nor heavily into the sex scene. Being gay for me doesn’t involve everything I do or enjoy has to be gay related.
The most accurate Video about this toxic culture.
If only it wasn't so 😭
I've commented on this video alot but only because it pops up so much when I search about topics related to gay men. One thing I feel I need to add to is that personally I feel that gay men tend hide behind "I'm just human" as excuse not to grow. Similar to a Christian who says "were all sinners" then goes right back to sinning up a storm. Maybe even this is where it comes from. Regardless as I get older I'm getting more and tired of reasoning like this. I suppose this is just more conformation that we are not community and never have been which I am only starting to accept. It's probably gonna take me years, but to any young gay men who are looking for support out there, don't look for in the so called "gay community" you won't find it. In fact you might even find the extreme opposite of it. Be your own best friend because that might be all you ever get.
I'm really sorry that you have had to live such horrible experiences; luckily, it's not that bad for everyone. I hope that one day you find a good group of friends.
This was insightful and I appreciate your vulnerability and honesty. You are loved.
Thank you so much! 🥰
Some people like you have the type of personality to be "participants" and "detractors" of their own environment at the same time. I'm so sorry for the abuse you suffered. Off the topic, but EVERY LITTLE THING that you said right here: 6:00 - 6:14 "instead of gossiping about that girl's outfit across the room. Mind you, I don't know her, I don't care what's she's wearing, I don''t care what her dress looks like, I don't care if her shoes match, I didn't even know that they didin't match untill you said that. I think it looks fine", is exactly what I've always felt and spoke about as a woman interacting with women. And I am not/wasn't even a tomboy. Those same women were the ones to blame men for the "unachievable beauty standards". Love the video!
This had like 500 views for 2 yrs, and within a couple weeks it's shot up to 3k?! What's happening? 🤣
Don’t trust anyone. And lean not to your own understanding.
1 Peter 5:8, Hosea 4:6
@@Masterbait38 Lean instead on the gift of understanding, given to all of us by The All/The Universe/God/Allah/Whatever-Your-God-Is.
The gift of understanding will guide us through life with knowledge, compassion, kindness, empathy, strength, power, and light.
- Me (higher power told me to)
I agree with so much of what you say as an older gay man I am now invisible and couldn't fit it to that world if I wanted I never did btw I was always on the fringes with a few brief moments where I felt happy and enjoyed myself just to round my experience. Kudos on describing the condition of the community 🎉👏
Thank you for your kindness! I'm sorry to hear your experience has been similar!
Maybe instead of a sex club try looking for gay friends at a gay book club or gay hiking group or something.
LOL I was never looking for friends at a sex club 😂 people go to sex clubs for sex lol but yes, I agree lol
Or try a gay faith group in a fully supportive church or synagogue. They do exist!
The community, which really isn’t a community, is too busy canceling themselves. Imploding.
I'm not going to pretend to be well-versed in the history of gay culture (straight dude), but when you mentioned there is white nationalism I thought "WTF?!"
I admire your courage coming forward and talking about these things with people who would be blissfully unaware.
Yes, it's WILD! Makes absolutely no sense! You're so kind, thank you!! ❤️
@@selispeks you're welcome dude
I agree our community is pretty shallow. It seems to be worldwide thing because it's similar here in the UK. If you don't look perfect and youthful then you are thrown on the scrap heap. Ageism is a massive issue, of course it is to some degree in the straight community, especially for women, but it's definitely magnified in ours. I'm 39 next month.... yikes! not far off middle aged and I'm worried about looking older, it's kind of become an obsession to stay looking young. It's pretty sad but that's the pressure we have as gay guys. Maybe I won't care when I get to 50 but I'm going to really look after myself in the meantime.
I wish there was a way normal gays could meet who aren’t drug addicts, narcissists or divas. Romance and relationships never seems to be a priority and that’s really sad.
There is no kindness in the world overall & u expect that a community that has been abused since children would be more welcoming when they grow up. But is just the opposite
I As A Gay Man Am Lucky I Never Got Into The Drug Scene But I Have Experienced Some Of Those Things You Noted
This kind of behaviour makes gay men not worth loving. I tried and got cheated on and now i couldn't care less if the rest of u die alone. Fk and discard is the only love gays understand and deserve.
Yikes. Sounds like you're just as cruel, if not more. Hopefully you get some help too.
@@selispeks I mean , but are they wrong ? I started gay dating in my late 30s and its pretty much been my experience. I was always told me gay boyfriends would be nice and caring for each. Instead i pretty much ran into unless one night stands and using each other. Its very depression to be honest.
MOST of the cruelest, most harmful and abusive things I have ever suffered have been at the hands of other gay men. My husband and I avoid gay men in general, as we do "the gay scene." I'm glad the world has changed that we no longer have to only socialize in gay spaces. (Gay spaces have been appropriated by "queer" people anyways-- they can have it.)
Thank you for shareing your Story especially your honesty about your own Story about topics that could makes you vulnerable. I think you are one of that heroes that are free enough of fear to stand to their own Storys.
I m not their jet but people like you makeing me hope
So feel huged from the other side of the atlantis ocean ❤
Aw that's very nice of you ❤️ I definitely still get worried about being vulnerable because people will ALWAYS use your story against you, but I'd rather share it and have it help someone. I hope it does!
Stay awesome 😊
I’m sorry you had such abuse and such bad experiences with other gay men. But honestly? It sounds like the party crowd and party scene you were mostly involved with. Shallowness, drugs, sex...that’s what the partiers do. Most gay men aren’t like this. I’m sorry you were always drawn to people like that but there are a ton of decent, kind gay men out there (myself included). I hope you can heal from your past and give GOOD people a chance. Because they exist, even if your own experiences won’t let you see it
Thank you for being so sweet! A lot of my experiences have been in both the party scene and the... "professional" scene I guess you'd say... the wealthy crowd. My experiences then only really shifted away from drugs, but a lot of the rest stayed the same. People are people no matter what scene you're in. I've definitely met and have many nice, responsible and kind hearted friends, but very few of them are gay men 😅
Apollo Selispeks ya I kinda don’t blame you. I don’t have any gay male friends either. Only online I know the decent ones. Oh and we’ll miss you on Tik Tok! Not sure what happened but I’m sure it got toxic
@@SuperTom487 yeah just lots of rude people and it was making me rude and mean because I'm VERY reactionary, so I had to get off there to bring the peace back into my life. Things are much better now! Thank you so much!! You rock!
there are people that are lucky to find good companions...but lots just suffer
Thank you for having the courage to post this perspective. I was born in 1962 and grew up in Nebraska in isolation. I knew by the age of 4 that I was gay, but I didn't see myself reflected in media. As such, my life skills taught me to either develop passing skills or to disappear. I came to LA in 1982 hoping to find acceptance and community in West Hollywood. I found neither. Looking back at photos, I must admit that I was very cute, though I certainly didn't think so at the time because I did not fit the bill of the overblown gym boy, which was all the rage. I wasn't rich, having worked full time for 3 years at a minimum wage job just to earn enough money to make the move and begin college. I was not interested in drug experimentation or drinking alcohol (I felt in view of the obvious culture shock, I needed to keep my wits about me at all times). Therefore, it appeared to me at the time that I simply didn't have anything anyone wanted. I have remained in isolation most of my life. Forgive my naiveté, but I'm rather amazed to learn that someone as young as you appears to have experienced the same type of ostracism within the gay community that I experienced more than 40 years ago. There's an understated irony to the fact our community keeps adding new letters to its acronym in order to appear inclusive, yet accepts superficial social dynamics of acceptance based on youth, beauty and money as either normal or unalterable, consequently leaving others with the belief that they simply don't fit in anywhere.
I've heard such similar stories to yours in so many comments. It makes me want to create a discord server just for us never-fit-in gays so we can all hang out and finally fit in!
I am truly choked by your video. I am a boring, white gay, not this nor that, just a man. Also, I am happily married to my husband through 34 years. I thought it would have been easier for you young guys to meet others through apps. Back in the day, it was street or park cruising or the bar scene, so all very localized, and as you say, we are not so many. I have seen young people have so many expectations and demands for a partner it becomes impossible. And the drug problem you describe, just makes me sad. You seem so nice and deserving of love.
As a gay person i went to gay groups when i was age 20 on the first day everyone was different but after the first i went out with a guy for coffee we just talked about the class he said most of them r there to just pick up and its not him i Understand but i told him i give a go but at the end of it i release it wasnt for me but i end up on a date with one guy from the group but lasted 6 months so wanted attention but i say the lesbians help me to come out i am straight gay but now days i keep away for gay places for over 8 yrs but i went last month just for a walk and i just got a straight best friend i am happy single because now days gay world changes people r getting lost and what i see on CZcams and media about gays its all about sex looks and who is top or bottom even some gays do plastic surgery to look the same
I am a queer man in New Orleans that's Black, so I experience all of this toxicity and a whole lot of racism. I use to be apart of the community, but I stay away now. And when they see me, it's all lies about who I am.
I had a job working inside The French Quarter and the entire community got me fired.
I feel alone and not apart of anything. Yet I am a whole lot Happier because I am not a part of that community.