Hold on, SFP SACRIFICE Checks?!?! | CS Joseph Responds
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- čas přidán 21. 08. 2024
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Hold on, SFP sacrifice checks? How exactly do those work? CS Joseph responds.
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OMG SO TRUE! This ESFP guy from work wanted to propose to me (in my culture - we get engaged we don’t really date) so I was getting to know him & he’s the most selfish person I’ve met. He wanted me to sacrifice everything for him & didn’t compromise or sacrifice anything for me. He wanted us to live two hours away from the city & have a baby as soon as we got married & never listened to what I wanted nor compromised. He also wanted me to dress and present myself the way his mum wanted. I was about to tell him that he should marry his mum instead since he’s such a mama’s boy. Thank god I rejected his proposal and dumped his ass. Never met someone so selfish in my life - ENFP
I swear you never say anything good about esfps. I have sacrificed my time and energy for a lot of people too because I care about them. I've gone out of my way for my friends, yet I do not expect anything in return. I would feel too guilty to ask for anybody to sacrifice a lot for me because I do not like to inconvenience people. You may think we are not there for people but I doubt there are many people that are there for me either.
This and to add; Agreed - every relationship I’ve ever been in I would gladly go out of my way to make sure they weren’t inconvenienced. That could be me driving hours to see them, taking my pto to be with her on her schedule, etc. We got in a fight - I’m there making her laugh and calming the situation down. I only need some attention and random physical touch to let me know they appreciate me and care. I have never looked for any sacrifices in any relationship and I never cheat because I know how it feels to see it happen to someone. *edit I do believe the vast majority of my relationships were with *SFJs, maybe that influences my willingness to do all the above
It's likely he's been unlucky to encounter a lot of immature ESFPs with corrupted Fi parent who don't use their Fe critic function inward as well.
This is what I've tried to explain to people when they say esfps are fun loving, live in the moment types. Yes...and people who love them are left to do the work behind the scenes. Scheduling, finances, most planning, a lot of practical day to day things they forget. That's the contract I see at work in my relationship with my esfp. He provides lovely/exciting se moments, and I make sure we get to them on time and with our luggage.
I also stop what I'm doing to listen to him, etc. I notice him noticing that I do. In my mature esfp the sacrifice of my time is appreciated.
But I'm an isfj (maybe) so maybe biased.
I think with xNTJs, women don’t need to sacrifice that much but their sacrifices get less appreciated.
@@qasimimtiaz9668 My ex husband was an entj. I can say he was very ok with us both doing our own thing. However at times he treated me like his employee or maybe a roommate. He did expect sacrifices in the bedroom. Very interested in it being just about him because he didn't feel he needed to connect. He felt he didn't need emotional intimacy (his words). But he had other mental health issues as well.
Isfj are the bestest! I'm a esfp and we wouldn't survi without you guys! Much love. Thanks for being so kind ❤️
@@elsaramos4058 I may be biased but I very much enjoy esfps too.
They don't get the credit they deserve for being so smart and the kindest hearted friends.
Thanks for the isfj love!
Reminds me of a song lyric, "El amor no se exige, se da." -"Love is given, not demanded."
So funny you mentioned SFPs and their " return on investment ". Today my ISFP dad said he got his return on investment in my driving lessons as I now take my family for outings while he gets to relax at home.
My isfp husband always acted like I was a slot machine which didn't pay off. I never knew I owed anything.
My esfp friend would do that all the time and she was not there for me at all , I felt like a shoe next to her , good I got rid of her . Really , really , only isfjs can take them , so thanks in behalf of the world .
I had the same experience but with an ISFP
@@annl.5512 what's your type
@@malakashraf2801 intp
Poor ISFJs. They do so much. They deserve better.
Vile!? Is a sacrifice check really that much different/worse than the other checks? As an ESFP male who's been married to an ISFJ female for a long time I can tell you she gives as good as she gets when it comes to doling out the punishments and I've paid in full for any sacrifices I've asked for over the years. I've brought the social contacts, the fun times, do my own laundry, troubleshoot the f out of the house, wash dishes, make dinner/feed the kids 50 % of the time, brought the majority of emotional support and empathy to our children, and have always been fiscally responsible (my dad was cheap as hell, fiercely diy so this rubbed off on me), so yeah, I'm gonna ask for you to occasional make a few sacrifices. Anyways good vid, I still love you, and thanks for the SFP material.
Edit: This was a bit of a drunken emotional response, I love my wife, and I think she would agree we have a 50/50 relationship (we talk about this fairly often). There's probably some truth that only an ISFJ can deal with an ESFP and vice versa lol. Love is war folks, remember that.
That’s not sacrifice- that’s a healthy give and take in a relationship. The vast majority of times my relationships are the exact same. I think in a previous video Chase said ESFPs sacrifice for SFJs and I see myself doing that and only expecting their time in return. I don’t know any human being who would be willing to do as much for the relationship as they could and not expect any reciprocity…
@@MrRob2084 I agree, well said. I think it might be more accurate to say that SFP's can resist personal sacrifice, resist being honor/duty bound, rather than say we expect individual sacrifices. I'm just selective with who I sacrifice my time and energy to. It's a defense mechanism to some degree.
@@bokononlives9071 I agree with this 100%! Well said
Totally ridiculous. I was married to an ESFP, he thought I was his Angel sent from God because I took such good care of him. But I got tired of my needs not being met and backed off with my giving. And then he didn’t want me anymore. Good riddance.
Same. INFJ now divorced from an ESFP.
Only xsfjs can tolerate xsfps I think.
@@qasimimtiaz9668 my brother is an ISFP in a very happy marriage with an INTJ woman interestingly enough. Since ISFP have dominant Fi it kind of matters what they value. She went through multiple hoops to get my brother but I think now that all of the sacrifice challenges are done they are very very happy. She gave up a career in law enforcement to be with him, and now she wants to be a stay at home mom anyways so it has worked out. I couldn’t have done what she did that’s for sure 🤷🏻♀️
@@VV-ik7sy can I ask a weird question related to chase's last video , what made you break up was the selfishness and not the incompatiblity in sexual functions ?
@@malakashraf2801 hey! This will be long. Okay so he was my first long term relationship. I was Christian at the time and we both told each other we liked each other but I told him I couldn’t date him because he wasn’t Christian (I didn’t ask him to become one, just told him my truth). The next week he showed up at my church unannounced (basically jumped my hoop I made without realizing I was making it), and from there just kept jumping through hoops to be with me. He was very pure in intention to me (high Fi), but with his trauma in his past had a lot of issues with interpersonal relationships in general. He was actually very shy, despite being an extrovert. We got married because I felt extremely guilt ridden that we were having sex before marriage and he felt like I made him a better person so in retrospect he says there was no reason not to take the next step. I had never had sex with anyone else and didn’t know what an orgasm was so yeah I’ll say something I learned quickly was how selfish of a lover he is (if he didn’t like something, he wouldn’t do it, and I could sense that so then didn’t want him to do it as it turned me off). In every other area of our lives together he just didn’t want to compromise. Any suggestion I made to improve our relationship he pushed back on saying that it “just wasn’t him”. So examples would be I told him I needed words of affirmation, he told me that didn’t feel genuine as that’s just not how he expresses himself. He would talk about being lonely so I’d encourage him to hang out with friends but he never wanted to reach out (due to his trauma I think). He never talked in depth to any of his friends about anything so I became his confidant on everything. He also had weird sexual habits (kind of peeping Tom stuff essentially), and multiple times it almost ended the marriage but because I was Christian I didn’t view divorce as an option. And GOD FORBID i tell him something I’m not comfortable with or a boundary that I’d like in our marriage; he viewed it as controlling, even though I know I’ve worked very hard to create a secure attachment in myself. After a year of my needs not being met, in hindsight I started detaching and seeking emotional/intellectual/spiritual engagement in my friends and family and was honestly investing waaaayyy less into our relationship. Three years go by, I’m happy with my life outside of my marriage so I don’t think there is any problem in my marriage. I’m no longer seeking validation or engagement from him as my needs just were never met (I’m ashamed to say I still had sex with him whenever he wanted, I didn’t respect myself enough to realize it is my right to refuse if my needs aren’t getting met-thanks to purity culture). I got pregnant, and at six months pregnant he tells me he’s not in love with me/happy and he has feelings for another woman. I get us into therapy because he didn’t cheat nor did the girl know he had feelings for her. He just didn’t engage at ALL in therapy, it was all about him, he didn’t want to implement ANY boundaries I suggested between him and this girl, etc etc YET he said he couldn’t make the decision to get a divorce (he’s also an enneagram 9 for reference). A month after my daughter was born and I was literally killing myself for him and our marriage, I door slammed him in my heart and called it. We’re now officially divorced and I’m so shocked I ever married him. The things he talks about are so surface level/sensor that I just don’t engage with him except when it comes to our daughter. I don’t feel bitter towards him and we get along very amicably and are great co-parents, but never in my life would I ever be with an ESFP again. I do feel for him and want what’s best for him. I even told him he should date and marry an sfj type 😆 He currently hints at wanting me back but he knows I am not interested so he only tip toes into that arena. Oh, he also asked for sex after we were divorced and I said no and he threw a little pity party. It was so gross. Why would you even want to have sex with someone who doesn’t want to have it with you??
Damn. I really am that shallow. Thank you for the lecture.
Sheesh
After watching this I guess I am more developed than I thought I was. I mean, I also do sacrifice checks but they look totally different than those listed by you, CSJ.
I am gay who doesn’t want to get into gay relationships because of my beliefs, so the closest ones to me were my friends from my pack.
My friends are really spontaneuos about meeting as a pack or with one of the group. And I get that, we all have our lives. After some time, I saw that I put far more into those relationships than any of them and that is also understandable because two of them have fiancées and one is in a long-term relationship although I didn’t feel good about it.
My only sacrifice check was asking them from time to time to schedule our meetings from time to time.
From my perspective it looked like this: „If they can book some time for me, they really care about me.”
And I was missing that. All our meetings were spontaneous as I said. So, it looked like this: I (I usually did it) would offer to meet and ask about a date that would be suitable for them (I usually fit). We would pick a date and they would say we are initially appointed. But then if they got something more interesting for them to do, they would give up on the meeting.
I don’t know if that is because I am an ISFP but I think this was such a disrespectful thing to do. I mean if you have some respect to a person and their time you make an appointment, right? At least from time to time…
Tbh relationships always have some sort of sacrifice it's just that SFP types have to learn they have to sacrifice for others too because it's hypocritical to ask someone to sacrifice for you while you don't in return. Fe nemesis manifests in a defensive or stubborn stance or point of view in relation to others feelings, beliefs, and values. Fi feels it's done alot for someone but when others say otherwise the ISFP become defensive. Se hero in ESFP is like "right now i'm doing something for you". Si nemesis is when people question you on what things you refused to do for them in the past you are defensive with it and you don't want to listen to what others say.
Interesting. Hope we can unpack this concept more tomorrow... ive seen wayfares do this a lot
What's this "jump through hoops" thing that Philosophers do? Can you actually talk about this in a video? This video was actually of great, great value, thank you
I remember it has to do with ne , to see how much you want them so they make you go through hardships .
@@malakashraf2801 “ Facts. I remember expecting that from other people at a young age. Only to wonder why I didn’t have many friends. It was only after letting people be free to choose what ever they wanted that my people skills took off.” - Some Shyster
We want to be the other persons ideal. So we want to see what they would do to be with us. So we might say oh this won’t work because of x, and see how the person responds. Ideally I don’t think we should do this, but I could see it in all my former relationships that I broke off or started as an INFJ. I broke off a relationship when I was VERY young because the infp guy watched porn. If he had come back and said I’ve decided porn is unhealthy and I won’t watch it anymore and asked for me back, I would have taken him back. I broke up with an INTP guy because there were some red flags in his past behavior (extremely amoral, apathetic behavior) that made me think he needed therapy. I told him we wouldn’t work right now because he had issues that he needed to work on, but that if he got healthier and pursued me I would be open to it. He never pursued me but he did always try to put himself around me, even when I started my relationship with my now ESFP ex-husband. My ESFP ex husband stopped watching porn (btw no longer a requirement for me but as a Christian at the time it was) and became a Christian in his pursuit of me. I’m now talking to an INFP guy and so far I haven’t created any hoops-intentional nor unintentional-that I’m aware of. I realize that someone who respects themselves and knows what they want is better than someone who is willing to jump through hoops to be with you. Jumping through hoops does not mean loyalty, as proved to me by my ex.
@@VV-ik7sy ok i can see that, it's like the trust checks with the crusaders, they create situations where they can see how much their partners can put up with just to be with them?
@@VV-ik7sy your weird.
I’m hyped for the Philosopher jumping through hoops vid :p
@CSJoseph can’t wait for it too >< these videos are just so good
As a male templar, I never really have had friendships with any other types but fellow templars. Maybe some NTP men here and there. Should that pattern change?
Been friends with an ESFP for years, I've experienced these so called loyalty checks. He has an ISFJ friend and I see him do it to him on a regular basis and of course the ISFJ will always stick around, that Si hero loyalty is insane. Its disgusting, my Si child keeps naively sticking around despite this. Ugh so annoying...
Get self respect and ditch him
Okay….!
Now that is the bones of it all for sure. Women have comrade friend relationships and men have compatible friend relationships.
This IS what I have been seeing, but not realising. And… the mechanics fits too… with a lot of things. Excellent.
You are absolutely right. Thank you Chase!
By the way the night videos are the best visually , they are amazing.
I only expect the men in my life to pick me up when I need a ride or when I need a roof over my head or need them to be available when I need them. I expect my dad to send me money on my birthday or whenever I need some extra money. Does this make me an SFP? I normally do things for others reluctantly because I have been taken advantage of but there are times I will help a cute animal that needs my help or a child who wants something.
Chase. No homo but you look good bro 😂👊🏻
Much appreciated
As an infj in a relationship with an isfp,I can definitely relate to this
Can I ask does the common se-ni axis cause competition for being the dominant chooser or performer , like does the isfp cause you of being controlling and wanty or does their se make your se inferior feel inferior ? Or do you compensate well for that because of the judging functions?
This is what my intj mom describes of her esfp niece. She hates her so much that she couldnt take it. My mom told me that if she has a daughter like her, she cant take it. 😂😂
Well , at least her niece's husband is isfj . He sacrificed everything for her 100% . He was willing to be kicked out by his OWN family because of her before their marriage. 😅😅
She told him that ,"if u love me, you must SACRIFICE FOR ME. YOUR WEALTH AND YOUR WELL-BEING."
As I took a glance on her husband. My reaction was lieke" 😅boi, don't u realise that you SACRIFICED ALOT but you don't get anything in return at all?!?your si hero is too strong here"
So if i'm ISFP and i don't do this, is that because i'm not insecure or because of what?
I’m an esfp and don’t do this.. don’t overthink it - the examples given were from disturbed people. Imagine ever telling a mother to choose you over her children.
@@MrRob2084 lol,insane
Maybe you do it but in a healthy way. I have a ton of SFPs in my family and they do it but in different levels of sacrifices.
@@JR-ow8xg meh, i don't know tbh. I'd never expect anyone to sacrifice anything for me, and if they would, i'd say they're pretty stupid because i didn't ask... That being said, i have standards for people, but considering i want a certain lifestyle, and i manage to live up to that lifestyle, it's only fair that i want a healthy partner asw , who doesn't smoke, and that ain't really a sacrifice, that's simply a lifestyle that i want in my life. I ain't forcing, but if it ain't for you, leave. There's people who want to live healthy and certain lifestyle that they want to have, in compatibility that also matters.
When one realizes those "standards for people" = expectations! 🏴☠️
This is what my ex ESFP did to me. I never realized that and could not figure what was up with him. INFJ
A question: Why are INFPs invisible or feel so?
Se trickster
+ behind the scenes
They feel powerless, that's why they seek authority.
Sorry to bore you with your least favourite question Chase, but seriously, what is the life purpose of an ISFP? Depressingly, so far it seems that all they're good for is dressing well and painting pictures that indirectly convey impactful messages that people have the option to ignore, since it's delivered as a 'gentle little breeze'. I know that with effort, they can become successful ENTJs/ESFJs, but it's depressing knowing that for the first part of their lives, they're basically the least useful to society of all the types. Chase, please make more people proud to be ISFPs, whereby they have less of a need to pretend that they scored as INFP on the test, and then they can stop living in denial. I'm less concerned about ESFPs, since they have the miracle of Te that gets them places despite their initial party animal impression.
Wow, about the difference between female and male friendships, it really makes sense
Never thought of that before 😳
no wonder all of my female friendships were complete shit in the past. i wondered why they were bad. i found myself being friends with other girls like me
The trust check. What if people end up don't trust u?
Then they're not in my life anymore.
Is that your favorite spot?
Well i have this question and i don't have any close freinds who know about mbti so i just put this question right here!
when you make a sequence between the past experiences(or some words or thought you had) to now or the result, and also find them meaningful, like "something" is trying to show you something not always "somthing" sometimes its just meaning or relating that experience of reality to a system of how the world works. For example "this world works like chess game". Which functions are working and if it's possible what is their position and which types have the most possibility to be like this. also it was something out of my control like i didn't try to get meaning... and thats why i think it's important for me to figure out what is the link between this experience and functions. Thanks
Are the people asking you for direction/what they should do more likely to be Te users?
Also, 18:40 I wonder if that is why women’s judgement in men is generally naive and self sabotaging. The sense of compatibility is still novel, for them, due to the way they form relationships; whereas with men, the phenomenon/qualia of compatibility is more familiar, leading masculine men to be more detached, and perhaps even realistic when it comes to their approach to dating.
How does the NTJs approach differ?
XNTJs have higher Te and Ne than xsfps so have higher awareness of person willing to sacrifice or not so don’t need to do much checks as xsfps do.
Intuitive people as a whole has a higher awareness of their gut instinct too.
I would imagine it works like this.
With SPs and NPs, they themselves will initiate a/b/c/d checks and then you prove your loyalty/desire/trust/willingness to sacrifice to them.
With SJs and NJs, instead of them initiating checks, you initiate "proofs" that you are loyal, that you trust them, are willing to sacrifice or jump through hoops for them.
I'm not sure this is right though. It just makes sense to me based on this video and when Chase was talking about how to keep Ne nemesis and critic from assuming the worst about you by telling them what you're going to do before you do it. Also that you should do the same for Ne inferior to make sure ISJs stick around and feel safe around you.
@@mrflyingace actually I been thinking. Not sure about ENTJs but I think intjs don’t really want a partner that sacrifice themselves too much as it might trigger Se inferior. Probably why intjs like to be skillful and independent as possible so no one really need to sacrifice themselves that much to be with them.
@Qasim Imtiaz
This is how I feel as an ISFP, I prefer to stay independent and not burden family or friends, by not asking of anything from them. The thought of a person sacrificing something for me doesn't sit right. But maybe it's a blindspot. I'll have to pay attention to this.
YES! All very true. I'm an infp and was married to an isfp for 15 years. This really describes his SOP when dealing with ANY of his relationships (friends, coworkers, women, etc). He fully expected everyone to make some sort of huge sacrifice at some point in the Relationship. If they failed, he would simply stop speaking to them as if they never existed. This is exactly how he ended our 15 year marriage. He went completely silent. He virtually tried to erase me. Thank God he failed:)
Why did you stay that long? If he didn't end it you probably would still be with him.
@@SS-bu8ez I stayed because I was young and wanted to make him happy. Also, I really wanted to be a good wife too. I know now I was under my infp "delusion" that this was a person completely worthy of those things. I never had a reason to suspect he wasn't a good person, if you know what I mean? Plus, he went to great links to manipulate me, as well. He would always "brag" about me to family and friends. In reality, he was trying to let me think he loved me so much. I understand now I was socially enginered the whole way. And everything cs joseph says on how an infp can be manipulated was exactly what he did. I thought it was love, but I was being fooled. Lol, yeah we'd probably still be married had I not gotten my breast cancer. Needless to say, he didn't like that. But I learned from my marriage and I did grow strong. He wouldn't recognize me now. And that's a very good thing:)
@@SS-bu8ez And also, he met all my SI child needs. But that stopped abruptly once he believed I had broken our "contract". I don't recommend ever pissing off SI demon. Because they will be ruthless. I wish I had seen it coming, but I truly did not. I thought he was a good person. But he was anything but.
@@rachelruhls5327 I never met a Isfp guy who was nice. Some of the girls are ok. But the men are liars. Infps should wait until their late 20s or 30s before marrying because they are too innocent and don't see things coming. What was the deal breaker for your ex husband? What made him ignore all these years of loyalty?
@@SS-bu8ez I broke the deal in two major ways. First, I had been giving a lot of my time and attention to my new online Twitter group I had started for chronic pain patients. I had done a great deal with this particular group and even got to interview the district deputy director of the Indiana Senate. Additionally (and bear in mind just how difficult this is for me to publicly admit given my te inferior. It's touching my worst fear here, of course) I made the HORRIBLE choice of having a fling after I discovered he was already cheating me. But I was young and very angry. I wanted to get back at him and show him he couldn't do that to me. Hopefully, women who read can relate to how I felt. But in the end, he just went around telling EVERYONE about my one night stand. Never mentioning the fact he was in a full blown relationship with someone else. So, he got to publicly shame me with my sin. And it was wrong, of course. It's definitely not how I would handle the situation now. But I will say, if you intend on pissing off SI demon you better know how to duck or at least get out of the way. He evicted me without notice from our own home. I got nothing. But he still had his girlfriend, naturally. She moved in right after me. As if 15 years had never happened at all. Needless to say, I don't recommend doing what I did for anyone but I am truly stronger now than I ever imagined I could be. I honestly think when I found out about his affair it enraged me because I felt really powerless. I wanted my power back. And I did get it, thankfully, but I went the long way. So much time wasted.
what is the NTJ check?
It’s the same for all the “unhealthy” wayfarer types, in my experience. FiSe/SeFi complex. I had an INTJ ex who behaved exactly like this
15:50 🙄🙄🙄 like you can’t have group child support without polygyny, please 👎
More great insights.
As an intj man
There is no way I am putting a ring on a woman if she is not willing to sacrifice for me.
Only mature intjs lol
Just make sure you don't step on their self respect , and for each sacrifice they make you are willing to sacrifice the same .
If you love someone it's not a sacrifice but an act of love for prove to yourself who you are.
I think intjs do respect checks more than sacrifice checks.
And that’s why so many INTJ’s end up with ESFJ’s. That’s my parents dynamic, and cs joseph even has a video about it.
It seems ENTPs are the most arrogant among the 16 types.
You probably don't like esfp and isfp's that much because funny enough they probably one of the types you do the least videos on. But hey it's not your job to make us comfortable 🤷🏾♂️😄, because you an ENTP.
Basically they want Nice Guys
Yeah they do. The Bachelor types.
Nice guys need to get married too
@@SS-bu8ez At what cost? Do you want to be disrespected? If you want to create your hell go for it. Nobody is gonna stop you.
@@cansavc4641 loll 😆 you think I'm a nice guy?
@@SS-bu8ez no I just generalized the concept
No wonder I don't get along with xSFPs. Man that sounds nuts.